Having a Sponsor Is Good but Being Sponsor-able Is the Requirement – Kent C.

My grandmother always said, everything goes better with prayer. Why don't we do that? Dear God, use me tonight as an instrument that I will. Speak through me so whatever results that you desire here tonight will be accomplished in all things. Thy will, not mine, be done. Amen. Dr. Bob Smith, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous in 1950 in his last talk, made this statement. Let's not forget the simplicity of our program. Let's not louse it up with Freudian complexes and things interesting to the scientific mind that have little to do with our actual AA work. What I love most about Alcoholics Anonymous is the simplicity of it. There's a line in the chapter, Working With Others, that bottom lines for me what this is all about. And what that line says is simply this. Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God. The single most important fact in my life as I stand here. I'm here tonight and the only reason I'm standing here or anywhere else is I got a power in my life today that I choose to call God. Who does for me one day at a time what I could never do for myself. If I had the power to quit drinking on my own, I'd have never come to AA. Why should I? I establish and grow in that relationship one day at a time through living. Not memorizing, analyzing, or discussing. Through living the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. As outlined by the founders in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's the reason that I pray before I introduce myself from behind the podium. Let me assure everybody in this room tonight. Left to my own devices, I surely would have destroyed myself years ago. That prayer reminds me of two things that I believe are vital and crucial to me staying here. First and foremost, the reason I'm at Fellowship of the Spirit tonight is to do God's will, not mine. And it also serves to remind me. That he is in charge here tonight. And as always, thank God, I am not. Good evening. My name is Kent Colburn. I'm an alcoholic. First off, my parents raised a mannerable young man. I want to demonstrate that. I want to thank this committee for all of the phone calls. All of the emails. For the invitation to participate in this celebration of Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to thank the people responsible. For me being here. I got a lot of AA family here. One of the things, if you're new, you're going to find out here. The world of AA is very small. And as I look around this room, I probably know about a third of the people that's in here tonight. I got AA family here. Fellowship of the Spirit is my AA family. I got a sponsee brother sitting on the front row. A sponsee sister-in-law sitting next to him. I love alcohol. By the time I'm done, you're going to really know how much I love Alcoholics Anonymous, man. And it is an honor and a privilege to participate in the life-giving, life-changing, life-saving fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous at any level. Whether it's setting up and cleaning up at the home group. Going into the detoxes. The institutions. All of the things that I've been blessed with in Alcoholics Anonymous. When I was new in AA, I used to call my sponsor. And I'd say, Bill, I want to read you my list of grievances for today. You know, and I'd go down this list of all the people who hadn't treated me properly. And all of the things. That I hadn't gone right. And he'd listen. And I'd get done. And he'd always say this. Who you helping? And I'd say, Bill, I don't think you were listening. Now, I want to run it through this by one more time, you know. And I'd read through the list again, right. And at the end, he'd say, who are you helping? Click and hang up the phone. Okay. See, I learned something. Either I live in the problem or I live in the solution. And anytime I'm given the opportunity to give back. In any way. In the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I always say thank you. So, thank you. I want to, there's a lot of new people here tonight. I want to take a minute to talk to those of you. I remember what it was like to be new. If you've been here for a while and you don't remember what it was like to be new. Let me make a suggestion to you. Sponsor somebody. Sponsor somebody. I believe the first 11 steps of this program will give me 10% of what's offered here. The 12th step will give me the other 90. If selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of the problem, then obviously unselfishness is the root of the solution. My sponsor today, Bob, always says, this is the only place in the world you show up a big shot and work your way up the servant. You know, and that's what this is about in here, man. That's what this is about. No, that's the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, right? And so, when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, see, I remember what it was like to be new. I didn't come here with AA etiquette. I didn't know what an open meeting was. I didn't know what a closed meeting was. I didn't know what a sponsor was. I didn't know what a home group was. I had the word mother wrapped around every other word that I said. I didn't know a big book from a Rand McNally atlas when I walked up in here. And I came in here and, you know, I'm a guy that hears best with my eyes. See, because I don't know you. And so, when I came in here, I started watching and I saw two very distinct groups of people. We'll call the first one group one. Group one, in and out, in and out, in and out. Every time they came back in. From being out, they looked worse than the last time they came back in from being out. I didn't see nobody come back in passing out $50 bills and driving a BMW and talking about how good it was out there. Right? They came back restless, irritable, and discontented. And they talked of terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair. We'll call them group one. And then there's another group, and they was called group two. And if you've been at this convention any amount of time this weekend, you've seen them in action. Chairing meetings. Setting up tables and chairs. Putting out coffee. Greeting people at the door. You see them at your home group doing the same thing, don't you? You know? They talk about God, big book steps, spirituality. Helping others. Getting God in your life. And enjoying sobriety. We'll call them group two. Now, I'm no rocket scientist, and my story's going to prove that to you. But it looked to me like the people in group two had a heck of a better deal than the people in group one. So I asked myself, keeping this simple, what are the people in group two doing that the people in group one are not? The people in group two had some trouble. They had some things in common. First off, they had something called a sponsor. Now, I didn't know what a sponsor was when I got here. And I wasn't going to tell you that I didn't know. I used to play softball for Cronin's Tavern. They was our sponsor. And they used to give us free beer and clothes. I thought, well, maybe it ain't so bad, right? And you sat me down and you told me what a sponsor was. You said it's somebody who has working knowledge and experience with the 12 steps as outlined in the big book who is willing to take the time to share with me the program of recovery. From the black print on the white pages in that blue book and who is also, just as importantly, a living demonstration of those principles in their life. I have sponsorship in Alcoholics Anonymous today. I'm sponsored by Bob D. in Las Vegas. I have the continued spiritual guidance of Bill F. in Lorain, Ohio, and Ken B. in Cleveland. Bill has 50 years. Kenny has 40. Bob has 34. That's 124 years of continuous act of sobriety that is at my disposal on a daily basis. If I choose to use it. I want to tell the new people that's in here today something that I have learned. Having a sponsor is a great thing. Being sponsor-able is even better. Okay? The only results that I've ever gotten from anything that's been at my disposal in Alcoholics Anonymous have come from things that I've done, not things that I've known. Okay? I do this sometimes because there's a lot of new people here tonight. Would everybody that's in here tonight who would be willing to sponsor a new program of recovery? I would. I would. I would. If you're a new person in AA, please raise your hand. Thank you very much. If you knew and you ain't got a sponsor, I just hooked you up. No one ever need leave an AA meeting without the benefit of sponsorship. And everybody always laughs when I do that. But I do that for a reason because I remember what it was like to be new. When I came here, I didn't know if you had 10 years or 10 minutes. How could I? I didn't know you. I'd never been here before, nor did I know if you'd be willing to help a guy like me who didn't even feel that he deserved any help. No. New here tonight, the help that you need just presented itself. What you do with that information is up to you. Another thing that people in group two had was something called a home group. And I was laughing earlier today because our friend who did the flag ceremony told us he didn't have a home group, right? He was an AA nomad, right? And I was one of them guys. You hear it all the time. All the groups are my home group. Yeah, right, right? So they told me if you ain't got a home group, you're homeless in AA. And this is the last place in the world I can afford to be homeless. And I got a home group. My home group today is the Friday Night Venice Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Sandusky, Ohio. It's a very old group. Actually, it was an Oxford group meeting at one time because that's where I come from. And I'm going to tell you something about my group. It ain't the best group in the world. It ain't the worst group in the world. I want to share something with y'all. This is not a competition. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experiences. Experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. Ain't no better than, ain't no less than in here. What my sponsor Bill taught me when I came in here is, son, it's okay to stop competing now. My entire life prior to Alcoholics Anonymous was lived on a better than or less than basis. And a funny thing happens when I live my life better than or less than, I'm never a part of. And if I'm not a part of this, I'm a dead man in here. Tradition one, our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery. Depends upon AA unity. Anytime I consciously or unconsciously separate myself from you as better than or less than, I am on my own again. And my experience proves abundantly that on my own I cannot stay sober. I cannot stay sober. That's what I like to call the total package in Alcoholics Anonymous. Sponsorship, big book and steps, home group, and service. We have it. We talk about it in here, don't we? The three legacies, unity, recovery, and service. In my experience, which is the only thing I'm allowed to share from behind the podium, I have yet to meet an alcoholic of our type. And if you don't know what an alcoholic of our type is, read the book. I have yet to meet an alcoholic of our type who has come in here, taken that total package, applied it to their life one day at a time to the best of their ability, which is all that's required. If you're new here tonight, I'm getting ready to take the pressure off of you. God don't require more of you than you're capable of this day. God does not. You can be happy, joyous, and free this day with what you have right now, and that's going to get better. I have yet to see one come in here and do that and pick up a drink. I have not seen it one single time. To our new friends, the program of recovery was designed for success, not for failure. But I must participate in my own recovery. On the flip side of the coin, however, I have yet to see an alcoholic of our type come in here, ignore those things, and stay. Staying sober or happy for any appreciable length of time. The simplicity of Alcoholics Anonymous. Those who do get, and those who don't, don't. And it's just that simple. I don't know about you, but I never sat in a tavern, watched somebody across the room drink a beer, and thought I was going to get drunk watching them drink. That's just as ridiculous as me coming in here, watching you get a sponsor, get in the book, work the steps, get a home group, get active, and help others, and think that somehow, magically, it's going to rub off on me. Those who do get, those who don't, don't. You know, I'm back where I live. People are coming back into the meetings after they go out and drink again, and they're reintroducing themselves, and this is what they say. I'm back. I've relapsed. You know, and I'll go over to them, and I'll say, Can I ask you a couple questions? Sure you can, Kent. Did you have a sponsor? Well, no. Did you read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and apply to 12? Did you take 12 steps to your life and have a spiritual awakening? Well, no. Did you have a home group where you were active and had a service commitment? Well, no. Then what exactly did you relapse from? We're giving people the impression in here that meeting attendance is Alcoholics Anonymous, and it is not. I want to share, if there are new people in here, we've got a program here. We've got a program here. When I come into Alcoholics Anonymous, okay, I need to understand, and when I came here, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. So what I'm telling you is, if I come in here, and I take those things that are at my disposal, and I apply them to my life one day at a time, I'm going to stay sober. The obsession to drink is going to be removed, and my life is going to start getting better. And so are the lives of the people around me. Okay? And that's what's available here. So we got, you know, we live in an age. This is a great age. Look at what Rusty got over there on the table. Man, we are inundated with meetings, literature, all of this stuff. This is the greatest time to be a member of AA ever. But I got to know what those things are. Okay? Those are support mechanisms for my recovery. My recovery is the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as outlined in the big book. That's what recovery is. That's it. That's all, period. And those things are support mechanisms for that, not substitutes for it. Okay? And when I understood that, this started to make a lot more sense. I identified myself as an alcoholic. I didn't know what that was when I got here either. Of course, I thought I did. Of course, I thought I knew everything when I got here. Anybody relate to that? All right? My definition of alcoholic when I got here, y'all remember Otis on the Andy Griffith Show? Yeah. Otis. His clothes was all weighed wrinkly. He always had a pipe in his pocket. Otis was in and out of jail. I watched every episode of the Andy Griffith Show, even the ones in color. I don't remember Otis working no place. Okay? So that's my definition of alcoholic. I was in England speaking at a big convention, and I asked them that. Y'all remember Otis on the Andy Griffith Show and 2,000 people went, no. His boss had told me, stop embarrassing me and think about where you at, right? Hey, I thought they had cable. I didn't know. So what is this thing? So I always had a definition of alcoholism, and it was what I like to call a sliding definition because as my disease progressed, I kept fitting my definitions. So I would check. If you ask me as a teenager, what is an alcoholic? I would say, ah, it's somebody who drinks every day, right? As a teenager, I became a daily drinker. Err, that ain't it. All right, um, let's see. An alcoholic is somebody who misses work, school, or important things in life because of drinking. It interferes with one's priorities in life. As a teenager, I began to miss work, school, important things in life because of drinking. Err, that ain't it. I finally figured it out, though. An alcoholic is somebody who goes to jail. Because of their drinking. I finally figured that out, right? As you'll hear in a few minutes, I really had to change that one. By the time I staggered through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, my definition, you see it all the time. Underneath the bridge, guy with a long trench coat and stocking cap on his head in July, drinking Wild Irish, Rose Mad Dog, Thunderbird out of brown paper sack, sleeping under a cardboard box. Yes, there he is. That certainly must be an alcoholic. Only reason that was my definition when I got here is that's the only thing that had not yet happened to me. And if I didn't have a family that continued for me, I wouldn't be here. For many, many years, to break every fall that I had, that's exactly where I would have been. I can stand here in all honesty tonight and tell you, I drank in Wine O's Alley with them old guys in Sandusky, Ohio. The only difference between me and them guys is when it got darker, it was somebody who would open the back door for me and there was nobody there to do it for them. That's the only difference. I had the nerve to come into an AA meeting when I was new, poke my chest out, and say, you know, I ain't never been homeless. There was a man at that meeting. His name was Jim Redmond. God rest his soul. He died 53. He was sober. He looked up at me and he said, really? He said, I got some bad news for you, son. He said, if you've grown and you're living in your mom and daddy's house and you ain't paying no rent, you're homeless. That man hurt my feelings. I hope I didn't step in no toll zones, no tolls in here tonight. But you know, the truth will set you free. So what is this thing called? Alcoholism, man. Alcoholism. Doctor's opinion. Mental, physical, spiritual, threefold disease, mental part. Mental obsession to drink. Not every day. When I came in AA, words like mental obsession, physical, allergy, that ain't the kind of stuff I was talking about. You know, I used to work at Ford Motor Company, and I didn't have a car. And we'll get to that later. And I'd get in the car with the guys that worked midnights, 8 o'clock in the morning. I'd get in the back seat, and I'd say, you know, I've been thinking about a beer all night. Nobody in the front seat turned around and said, that's the mental obsession that preceded. We didn't know. Right? Right? So keep it as simple, man. What is an obsession, a thought so powerful it will override or overcome any thinking that I, as a human being, can raise as a defense against it? What are some of the mental defenses I tried to raise against the first drink? I tried common sense. Did that. You know, that was stupid, you know. My grandmother told me later why that didn't work. Because she said, you weren't born with any. But anyway, so common sense didn't work. I tried self-knowledge. Did this last week. Went here last week. Results was disastrous. Let's go here this week, do this week. Same results, didn't work. I tried fear of consequences I might face if I drank. In my late teens, I'm waking up in the morning, laying in the bed, and mentally making a list of all the reasons why I shouldn't drink today. And that was to continue through the years. If I drink today, flunk out of school, get kicked off the team, get kicked out of the house, girlfriend going to leave me, later on, lose my job, dirty urine, I'm going to the penitentiary. All these things true in my life at one time or another. And if you're anything like me, three or four of them at a time is where I roll. So I would wake up in the morning, take a look at these things, and I would make a decision based on truth. Easiest kind of decision I want to make. I don't want the consequences of any of us of this, therefore, I'm not drinking. And I meant it as much as I mean it tonight. And then I get out of the bed. And usually about 10 seconds later, another thought would come floating in my head. And it usually went something like this. Maybe you can identify with this. You could have one. Right? One drink never, and bam, like a radar, a lock on that thought. And here's the killer thing. All of those true things that I thought five minutes ago, never come back to me. Why? Because I'm only going to have one. Now, this is an honest program, I'm going to be honest with you tonight. I have never in my entire life had one of anything that I enjoy. My philosophy of life is very simple. If one's good, two's better, three's outstanding, four's magnificent, let's pony up. Money for five? I am Dr. Feelgood, right? So, what is the statement I'm only going to have one. It is a lie. If the 12 steps is an honesty based program and it certainly is because honesty is the principle of the first step, and we know that every principle in the steps must be applied to the following steps, therefore, the principle of honesty must be applied in all 12 of our steps, that's why the first step is the one I got to work 100% in order to have a chance. then doesn't it naturally follow that alcoholism is a lie-based disease? My sponsor Bill told me when I was new, he said, I don't know about you, son. He said, but I never walked into the bar room and said, hey, bartender, give me a shot and a beer. I want to be in jail by 9 o'clock. It was always going to be what? It's going to be different. So I pick up this drink that I'm only going to have one, and I drink it. And the second part of the disease becomes active. Dr. Silkworth called it the phenomenon of craving. Prior to Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism was treated as what? Either a moral issue or a mental illness. Dr. Silkworth introduced something to the world that we know today as the disease concept of alcoholism. There's something physically different about me. He called it the phenomenon of craving. A little story I like to tell that illustrates that simple for me because I'm a simple guy. It's a 90-degree day. I'm riding on my lawnmower in Sandusky, Ohio, cutting my grass. So is my non-alcoholic next-door neighbor. I'm watching him over there. He gets hot and thirsty. He shuts his mower off. He gets off it. He walks across the lawn to his deck. He flips open the cooler. It is full of cold beer. He pulls out a cold one. He pops a top on her. He sucks her down. It quenches his thirst. And I know nobody in here is going to believe it, but I've seen this with my own two eyes. With that full cooler of beer still sitting there, that man actually got back on his lawnmower and finished cutting his grass. The difference between me and my neighbor? If I get off of my lawnmower and I pop a top on it, and I suck her down, it does not quench my thirst. What it does to me, and maybe to you, is it makes me thirstier. How simple is that? And grass cutting is over at the Coleman house. My lawnmower will be sitting in that same spot two weeks from now when I get out of the county because that's the way I roll, right? Spiritual malady, soul sickness. I live a self-directed, self-willed life. And I did that. Consciously. I made a conscious decision at the age of 14 that I would direct my own life. And as a result of that, I find it necessary to arrange the actions and outcomes of the people, places, and things in my life to suit my needs. And there's a problem with that, isn't there? It's that the people, places, and things in the world around me refuse to cooperate. And as a result of that, I become restless, irritable, and discontented. And at the age of 14, I learned that if I put my life on the line, I'm going to die. I'm going to pour alcohol on restless, irritable, and discontented. I get a sense of ease, comfort, fearlessness, and well-being. A sense of wholeness. Dr. Silkworth called it the effect produced by alcohol. This disease of mind, body, and spirit is called alcoholism. And I got no idea if you got it, but I definitely got it. And if I don't treat it, death, imprisonment, or commitment are guaranteed me, whether I drink or not. And some of you know what I'm talking about. I'm 53 years old. I was born in the city of Sandusky, Ohio. The second of three boys I had to raise in a Christian home. I had to talk the difference between right and wrong before my feet ever hit the grass in the front yard. My mom and dad were the best. I'm the son of Pete and Evelyn Coleman. And I was raised in a home where we were taught the difference between right and wrong. My mom was the president of Ohio Baptist Women's Convention. All the famous people you see on TV and religion and people been in my house and was regular callers to our home. We wasn't sent to church. We were taken to church. My father was the commissioner of the local little league, the youth football league. Our grandparents lived with us. My grandmother cooked for the whole town. I was raised in a home where people lived lives of service to God and the people around them. That is the atmosphere in which I was raised. My mother worked for Christ the Corporation. My father worked for General Motors. I'm retired from Ford. And I tell people, you know, we have a lot of craziness in this house. We have really nice cars. But anyway, you know, growing up, got everything that we wanted within reason. And if mom and dad said no, we went to our grandmother because no was not in her vocabulary. That is the atmosphere in which I was raised. You know, in the 12 and 12, Bill talked about the 12 steps and he described them as a set of principles spiritual in nature. I was introduced to spiritually principled living before I went off to kindergarten. In our house, they told us honesty is the best policy. A real man is always honest with himself and other people. In our house, maybe in some of your houses, we got automatic whoopings when we got caught lying. Did that happen in anybody else's house in here? That's step one. The principle of step one is honesty and I learned it at the end of a hickory stick as a very young boy. My mother told me when I was about seven or eight years old, Kenny, come here. I'm worried about you. Contrary to what you believe, the sun does not shine. The sun does not rise when you wake up and set when you go to bed. Look out the window and tell me what you see. Sky, birds, cars, grass, people, mountains. She said, you think this just popped up out of nowhere? She said, Kenny, there's a power that's greater than you that created all of this and all you have to do is be willing to believe that. That's step two. In our house, they told us if you will make a decision to put your life in the hands of the power that created all of this. In our house, they call that power God. She said, you will always have what you need no matter what happens outside or around you. My mother was telling me the answer is inside, not outside. Step three. In our home, they told us anytime you got a problem, no matter how bad you think it is, come talk to us about it. A problem shared is a problem half solved. You're only as sick as your secrets. My mom used to say, no man is an island. That's steps four and five. In our house, they told us the biggest room in your life is the room for improvement. If you can make C's, you can make B's. If you can make B's, you can make A's. And if you'll ask the power that created all of this to help you in any way. Any positive improvement you want to make in your life, the power will always do so because that's what the power does. That's steps six and seven. In our home, they told us anytime you hurt, harm, or wrong someone else, go make right the wrong you done. You owe an apology, make it. You owe time, give it. You owe money, pay it. Clean up your mess. That's what responsible people do. That's steps eight and nine. My mother used to say you can never go forward in this life if you don't know where you are today and what you need to work on to get wherever it is you're trying to go. How can you go somewhere if you don't know where you are? When I was a junior in high school, I took Greek and I read a book about Socrates. And in that book, Socrates said the uninventory life is a waste. Step ten. Our grandmother said the secret to having a good day is very simple. When you wake up in the morning, slide out of the bed onto your knees and say one word, please. As you go throughout the day and you don't know what to do, ask the power that created all of this to help you. And at night, before you get back into bed, hit your knees again and say two words, thank you. Step eleven. And in our house, they told us the greatest thing that a human being could do with their life. Was not acquire money and material things. It would be of service to others. How did they teach us that? They taught us the golden rule. They taught us to talk to folk the way we wanted to be talked to. Treat folk the way we wanted to be treated. Respect your elders. Offer to share what you have with your brothers, your cousins, and your friends before you have your own. Be of service to your fellow man. Step twelve. When I got on the bus to go to kindergarten, I was already armed with a set of principles. Spiritual in nature. That I know today is the twelve steps of AA. To our new friends here today, I want to share some with you. Spiritually principled living did not originate in Akron, Ohio in 1935. Those principles are ancient. And there's a lot of people who live like that out there every single day. And check this out. They don't expect a pat on the back for it either. I'm amazed sometimes at people in AA. You ever hear this in an AA meeting? Boy, those people out there sure could use what we got in here. Where do you think we got it? The history of Alcoholics Anonymous. Henrietta Sarbeling, Ann Smith, Dr. Shoemaker, Dr. Silkworth. None of these people were alcoholic. Where do you think we got it? And they don't expect a pat on the back for it either. Of course, I always did. I was seven months sober. I went to see my grandmother. I said, Mama, guess what? She said, what? I said, I paid my bills seven months in a row. She said, I paid mine 72 years in a row. Get out of here. The selfishness and self-centeredness of the alcoholic. Do you realize this is the only place in the world that we got to tell new people, now go do something nice for somebody, but you can't tell nobody or it don't count. It's the only place in the world. We are so sad. It's unreal, isn't it? I was restless, irritable, and discontented as a kid. I was never comfortable in my own skin. I loved the writing and the big word. I loved the way Bill Wilson write. He talked about being maladjusted to life. I was maladjusted to life and I couldn't tell you why. There was always a nervousness, an underlying current of something running through me and I didn't know what it was. You know, our book talks about being self-centered. What self-centered means is that I believe that I am the center of the universe, right? I can't see any further than me. And the only possible reason that any of the rest of you even exist on this earth is to be able to make me feel good. And that's the way it was for me as a kid. I was shy and insecure and afraid. Scared to death of girls. Very, what we like to call it, self-conscious. Today we know what it is. It's extremely self-centered and selfish. I'm a guy who thinks I got to say and do the right things at all times because everybody's watching and hanging on every word I say and every action I take. And you find out later as others. I think it was Brian that talked about it. Nobody was even paying me any attention. You know what I mean? But I can't see you. See, I'm so full of me. I can't even see you, right? And that's the way I was as a kid. So I started looking for different avenues of escape. I daydreamed a lot. I was an avid reader. You hear that a lot in here, don't you? An avenue of escape. I become a character in the book. The reality of my life is becoming an untenable and an uncomfortable place for me. So I'm looking to go somewhere else. You know, my first real drink of choice was my old friend, my older brother. I had a brother four years older than me. I come from a football family. In my part of the country, we play a lot of football. And my father played for West Virginia State University. My uncle Bo played for Penn State. I had two cousins that played in the National Football League for over ten years. My family do football on Saturdays and Sundays in front of 90 and 100,000. That's what we was raised to do. Our baby pictures is not laying in a crib. It's on the floor in a three-point stance in a diaper with a foot. That's just the way my daddy was. That's the way we was raised, you know. And my brother, by the time he was 16 years old, was six foot two. He weighed 215 pounds. He could run a 4-4-40 on a center track in tennis shoes. And he had committed to go to Ohio State University to play for Woody Hayes at that time. And my brother was my hero. And my high school produced seven NFL players out of two classes. I mean, that's where we come from. And my brother was on his way to do that. And he took me with him everywhere that he went. And I had ease and comfort in his shadow. When I was with him, nobody expected me to be, do, or say anything. I'm looking outside to try to fix this problem that I got on the inside. And on September the 5th of 1972, we journeyed to Massillon, Ohio to scrimmage the Massillon Tigers. If you watch ESPN, they was ranked the number one high school football program in the country. And they was our big rival. And on that day, he had four or five runs over 50 yards and laid in the scrimmage. Got hit low. Got hit high. Fell funny. Five minutes later, collapsed. Wasn't breathing. Nine hours of brain surgery on Monday. And on Wednesday, September the 5th of 1972, he died of that injury. Is that what made me an alcoholic? Absolutely not. Stop any car out on the street today, you'll get similar stories. People live, people die. Tragedies happen. What did it do to me? I could tell you very simply. Broke my heart. Almost killed my mom and daddy. Really almost killed my grandparents. Changed my whole town, actually. And what it seemed to do was intensify the feelings of difference that I already had. You know, we didn't have counselors. And you know, today if something happened, they'd rush to the school. You didn't have that back then. You was on your own. And I want to say this. I've never doubted the existence or power of God in my darkest days on the street. Because something happened when my brother died. You know, Brian talked about how. . . You know, his mom hit the bottle. And you know, when they had a similar tragedy in their family. This is what my mother did. We got to that funeral home that next Friday. And there were thousands of people. Literally. The Follett House Museum in Sandusky said it was the biggest funeral in the history of Sandusky. And my mother walked in that funeral home and stood by my brother's casket and looked at them people. And this is what she said. I don't know when, how, or where. But blessings will come from this. I watched my mother take an entire. . . Take an entire town and family and put it on her shoulders. And walk us through that when we were on the brink of collapse. And at the age of 13, I knew my mother didn't have that kind of power. I have never doubted the power and existence of God. I just made a decision I didn't want it. After my brother's gone, I got to hang around guys my own age. I'm 13 years old. We're standing on the street corner. I've known these guys since I'm two. Topics of conversation among our crew. . . In 1972 at the age of 13 was very simple. Three things. Drinking beer, smoking weed, and climbing in and out of girls' bedroom windows in the middle of the night. And I was batting zero, zero, zero. I had a mother that did not play that. I went to school, church, ball practice, and home. But do I let them know that? Absolutely not. You remember them dogs they used to put in the back window of the car with the head that go like this? That's me. Oh yeah, I did that last night. Ain't that fun? Yeah, I was over. . . I'm 13 years old. . . And I'm a liar, a fake, and a phony. I am willing to compromise everything that I've been taught and believed to be true to gain your acceptance. I'm looking outside to fill this hole on the inside. I'm looking for your acceptance. My mom used to talk to me a lot after my brother died. And she would tell me things like, God's been so good to you and you're going to have a really good life. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I used to look at my mom and I used to tell her, You know, I don't know where you get this stuff. But I can tell you what I want out of life in 30 seconds. I want mine. I want to get it my way. And I'm going to need you to leave me alone while I'm doing it because I ain't going to do it the way you do. And she'd get that sad look on her face that mothers get. Oh, we didn't raise you that way. You don't get it. And I'd put my finger in her face and I'd say, You're the one who don't get it. You know, selfish and self-centered and self-seeking and self-absorbed. One of the big things in my life at that time was church. And it wasn't an option in my house. Nobody ever asked me, did I want to go? They told me, get up. You're going. And this would prompt a big fight in my house. Every Sunday morning. And I was sitting in church one Sunday and a thought came to me. And this is what it was. You know, you're not going to live with these people forever. And you're not going to have to do this forever. All you got to do is these next couple of years and then you're done. And I made a conscious decision at the age of 14 that once I was old enough to call my own shots, I would never again darken the doors of a church. And I made that happen. The next Sunday when she woke me up, she said, you got to go to church. I said, no problem. Let me get ready. And she said, really? And I said, yeah. You got two years, 11 months, four weeks, and three more days. And I can only imagine what she was thinking. You're looking at a parent abuser. We talk a lot in society today about child abuse. I want to share something with you. Prior to me picking up a drink of alcohol, there were no sleepless nights in our home. There was no hollering and screaming in our home. There was no anxiety and fear and guilt and shame. There was none of that in our home. They were happy, joyous, and free. I bought those things into that home and I infected the people who gave me life with them until they were sicker than I was when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I got the nerve to come into AA and talk about, man, I had a great time out there drinking. I'm going to tell you what a guy said. I'm going to tell you what a guy told me when I was new. He said, did you really? If we brought your mother, your father, the girl you live with, your coworkers, your neighbors, and your creditors in here, and we sat them down and said, you know, Ken had a heck of a time out there drinking. What kind of time did you guys have? What do you think they'd say? And I said to him, you know, I never thought of that. He said, I know you haven't because all you think about is you. I don't stand behind a podium of AA and glorify the disease that burned my life to the ground just about killed my parents and took me to a place that I didn't think there was a return from. I don't glorify drinking in here. From the day I picked it up. You know what my definition of a good time drinking is? Any consequences that have to be paid as a result of my drinking are paid by somebody else. That is my definition of a good time. I don't plant seeds in my head. I got a disease that's cunning, baffling, and powerful that there's something redeeming about my drinking. From the day I picked it up to the day I put it down, my life went right in the toilet. Did I have good times? I thought, absolutely. Right? But one of the great things about Alcoholics Anonymous is the ability to see the truth. Now, funny thing about AA, if you knew, is you can't see what it's doing to you until you're free of it. See, I can look in the rearview mirror tonight and think, I can tell you all this stuff, but when I'm living in it, I can't see it. Selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, self-absorbed, and according to my mother, mean as a rattlesnake, I have yet to take a drink. I tell people I was the perfectly tilled soil for the disease of alcoholism. All I got to do now is find out if I got the physical allergy. Found out. Got in the car with a guy I played basketball with in high school who lived the life I lived in my head. Right? Snazzy car, pocket full of money. Ran around with the kind of girls I ran away from when I seen them coming down the hall. And I got in the car with Johnny. He looked at me. He said, hey, Coleman, you want to get something to drink? Now, I have been warned about drinking. Alcoholism does not run in my family. It gallops. And I have been told we do not do alcohol well. Look at your Uncle Ed. Look at Junior. Look at Bob. Both sides of my family are rife with alcoholism. But if Johnny had have said to me that day, let's go ride the carryout, I guarantee y'all would have done it. Those are the lengths I'm willing to go to to gain your acceptance to fill this hole I got on the inside. We went through the drive-thru. We put our money together. We bought 10 quarts. A Sliss malt liquor bull. Johnny dropped the convertible top on that beautiful Pontiac, cranked up the music. It was a bright, sunshiny day. We rode through the streets of Sandusky, Ohio, and we drank that beer, and my life changed. I've heard a lot of descriptions of what happens when that alcoholic gets on that first drunk. And I heard a guy say one time, there comes a moment when an alcoholic takes a drink and alcohol flips the switch. The lights come on. Everything I ever wanted to be, do, or say immediately became possible. Now, on that day, this is the easiest I can put it to you. I went from shy, insecure, and afraid to bold, confident, suave, debonair, and absolutely fearless in about 20 minutes. We went behind the Derek apartments where all the thugs hung out. I had not said five words in public in the last three years. We pulled up. People surrounded the car. I told Johnny, turn that music down. There's a few things I want to tell a few people who are present here this morning. There's a few things I want to tell a few people who are present here this afternoon that I've been wanting to tell them for quite some time. And I went around that circle of hoodlums, and not only did I tell each and every one of them what I thought of them, I also told them what they needed to do, in my opinion, to improve themselves. The reactions of the people around that car, they was leaning in the car and hugged me. They said, see, I told you. I told you my boy's all right. He's loosing up. He's doing a little drinking. He's one of us. Man, I immediately connected the dots. And I immediately attributed it to drinking. I now have the acceptance of the people whose acceptance I want the most. That's not mom and dad. That's them drive-by shooters behind the Derek apartments. Alcohol equals success, and you better believe I got it. We left from there. We went over to the home of some of them girls he run around with, I run away from. And I've never been over there in my life. I walked into that home like I was paying the mortgage. I went in the dining room. I sat down at the dining room table. I looked across the room at a girl I still think is the prettiest woman in the world. I still think is the prettiest girl to graduate from Sandusky High School in its 162-year history. I had never even breathed in her direction, much less said hello. And I looked over there at her, and she looked up at me, and I said, come here. And she got up and started walking toward me. Now, any sane human being at this point would probably think to themselves, if you weren't so shy and scared, look what you could have done just by speaking up. Here's what I thought. If you had been drinking before now, look what you could have done. Look what you've been missing. As I stand here tonight, I can remember thinking that as clearly as if it happened this morning. Now, this is an honest program, and I'm going to be honest with you. When she got over there to me, I had no idea what to do with her. I don't think that far ahead when I'm drinking. But guys like me watch a lot of TV, and on TV they do this, and I did that. And she sat down in my lap, and my life changed again. And the bottom line to the whole story is on that day, alcohol did for me what I couldn't do for myself. What happened after that, I'll tell you the rest of my drinking history. Now, there's a lot of people who come to Alcoholics Anonymous who haven't been to jail or haven't been in trouble, and you don't have to. You know what? Those are social consequences for antisocial behavior. And there's a lot of people who show up in here who got families and jobs and never been in trouble, and you don't have to. You can get off the elevator or any floor. The price of admission is honesty. You can get off the elevator or any floor. However, that is not my experience. I'm a drink trouble guy. If this right here was a drink of alcohol, and I stood here and drank it, a cop would drop right out of that light and land in the middle of this floor. The old timers in Cleveland used to say, drink trouble, drinker. Dude, I said, I got that, right? What happened the rest of that day is the rest of my drinking history went in a blackout. I have no idea what went on the next four or five hours. According to Iowa. According to eyewitnesses at the house, I came in the front door and threw up a trail through the house, through the living room, through the kitchen, through the family room. My grandfather fell on the floor laughing. I went in the bathroom. I had everything but the toilet. The next thing I remember is my mother knocking on my bedroom door, screaming, come out here and clean up this mess. You know you've been drinking. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I staggered into the hallway in what later years would be my drinking uniform, my underwear. I'm bouncing off of them hallway walls. I got a hangover. I got a hangover that's alive. I mean, I'm dying. I go in the bathroom. I lock the bathroom door, put my hands on the bathroom sink. I look in the mirror and this is what I said, man, oh man, I can't wait to do that again. Grounded for life is what was being discussed in the living room and how that sentence was going to be carried. So immediately I want you to follow me. I'm facing negative consequences as a result of my drinking. The big book talks about a guy who puts his hand on a hot stove, right? You don't do it again. Here's my thinking in that bathroom. Maybe you can relate to this. I had a meeting with myself. I like to have a meeting with myself because I usually can solve most everything that's going on. I had a meeting with myself and here's what I come up with. All right, Kent, here's what happened. You got drunk? Yep. You got sick? Yep. And as a result of that, you are grounded for life. Now, here's the deal. It's not because you got drunk that you're in trouble. The reason that you are in trouble is because you got sick. If you hadn't got sick, this wouldn't have happened. What you got to do is learn how to drink without getting sick. Is anybody with me on this? Okay. I can't see the forest for the trees, man. The curtain drops, right? And I'm gone. And I'm gone and I never look back. Got me a car at the age of 16 at a 1 o'clock curfew. Come home 4 o'clock in the morning. When I used to come home, my mother used to be up. Her light would be on until I came in the house. She called me and she said, Kenny, come here. I want to see you. I'd stick my head around the corner and look in the bedroom. And this is what I used to say to my mom. Why are you up? Seriously, why are you up? If y'all go somewhere, I'll sit up here at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning waiting on you and daddy to get home. I want you to understand something. I am so full of self and so full of me, I can't even comprehend the love of a parent. The love of a parent for a child. That's just foreign to me. I am self-centered. I am the center of the universe. So I can't see you. And I come home this night at 4.30 and my mom's sitting on the couch, living room lamps on, tears running down her face. And this is what my mother told me when I came in that front door. She said, Buster, I'm going to tell you something. She said, as your parents, we owe you a roof over your head, food to eat, clothes on your back, and an education. And we have fulfilled our part of the bargain. She said, but buddy, I got something you can't have. And she said, that's my peace of mind. She said, Kenny, you're going to the penitentiary or the cemetery, and I got a message for you. She said, I ain't going with you. I'm done. Go. Do what you want. I'm giving you to God. I'm done. And this is what I said to my mom. I broke you. I broke you. And I want you to know something. I'm a little bit disappointed. You're such a spiritual giant. Because it wasn't even that hard. And I walked away and left my mother sitting there that's Ken at age 16. I graduated from high school. I went off to college. I went to Miami of Ohio, one of the finer institutions of higher learning in this country. At least it was until I got there. I was drunk for five years down there. Like Brian, I went into business for myself distributing outside issues. And I'll tell you how that went for me. First week, I was my best customer. Second week, I was my only customer. So that didn't work for me. Just chaos and confusion. My alcoholism skyrocketed with no parental interference. By the time I'm 19 years old, I got shakes in the morning. I had set up headquarters down at the Boar's Head Inn uptown. I went up and saw Tom, the bartender. He's kind of like my sponsor. And I told Tom, I said, I think I got Parkinson's. Tom, look, he says, you're 19 years old. I said, I couldn't fasten my shirt this morning. He said, listen, son. He said, here's what I want you to do. Go get a 500-proof old granddad, drink two shots tomorrow morning, your hands will stop shaking. All right? I got the granddad, drank two shots the next morning, my hands stopped shaking. You know what I said, don't you? That man's a genius. All right? My sponsor pointed out to me when I came into AA. He said, you know this. You never question the bartender. But you're surrounded by people who loved you and tried to help you. And all you did was curse them out and tell them you was grown and you wouldn't hurt nobody and live in your own life. But you never question the bartender. To our new friends here today, why is it that I'm always willing to listen to the people that I love? People who harm me. Why is that? Alcoholism has progressed. It's now the center of my life. I went to college with the goal of being successful in business. And I surrounded myself with activities to support that goal. Sometime in my first or second year, the worm turned. Alcohol became the center of my life. Right? And I surrounded myself with activities to support my drinking. The classes I took, the people that hung around, whatever my major was, alcohol is calling the shots in my life. I leave college. I go to work in an auto factory. The kind of job I could have got with a high school diploma. Why? Because they have something in auto factories that a guy like me needs desperately. It's called a union. Okay? And if you drink like I drink and don't come to work like I don't come to work, you need some help. Right? And I came home and I went to work and my alcoholism escalated. I'll bring you up to the end of my drinking. I don't get a lot into the problems I had with the law. I think that's podium flash. What I will tell you is that I've been arrested. I had seven convictions for driving under the influence of alcohol in the state of Ohio. They had the laws back then that they got today. I'd still be locked up and rightfully so. I've been convicted on felony weapons charges, other kinds of things. A lot of problems. But I ain't hurting nobody. But I ain't hurting nobody. At the end of my drinking, no baths, no showers, I got a liver that's distended about seven inches. Every time I take a drink of whiskey, I cough all this white stuff up. My liver and pancreas have ceased to function. They will no longer metabolize alcohol. What I'm coughing up is pure alcohol. My body is now rejecting what my mind is obsessed with. I'm 32 years old and I'm dying of alcoholism. The last three years of my drinking I spent desperately trying to quit. I tried everything I could think of. I went back to church. I read the Bible. And I used to sit up with a Bible in this hand and a Miller High Life in this hand. I changed the guys. I hung around. I got the booze out of the house. I changed shifts at work. I did everything I could think of humanly possible to stop drinking and I'd be drunk the same day. I had a heart attack at the age of 28. It dropped dead in my house. They took me to the cardiac unit and my mom stood in the door and I listened to Brian this morning. And my mom said, I know I already lost my oldest son. I can't lose another one. Do what you got to do. And I laid there with tears running down my face. And I said, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I said, I know I already lost my oldest son. I can't lose another one. Do what you got to do. And I laid there with tears running down the side of my face. And I said, God, if you let me live, I'll never drink again. And I meant it as much as I mean it today. 48 hours later, my heartbeat stabilized. They put me in a regular hospital room. Two hours in that room, I was drunk. If I had the power to quit drinking on my own, I'd have never come to AA. Why should I? I had what they call a moment of clarity, a moment of sanity. Come out of a bar one night, 11.30 at night. I'm on a period of indefinite probation. Have you ever heard of that? I got sentenced to five years in the state penitentiary of Mansfield, Ohio. And the judge, my uncle, my mother's brother, was the mayor of Sandusky. My mother was one of his most prominent citizens. Everybody knew my dad. And the judge told me just what she told me. She said, before I throw you away, I'm going to put you on a period of indefinite probation. One dirty urine, you go for five years. I ain't shocking you out in five months. I had a file, this thick, laying up there on the floor. I'm going to put you on a period of indefinite probation. One dirty urine, you go for five years. I then threw 48 of you on the bench. And I walked out of that courtroom, you know what I said, didn't I? I'll never drink again! Right? The first day I reported adult probation was the next Friday. Maybe you can identify with this kind of thinking. I'm driving across town, I got an hour before I got to be in adult probation, and here's the thought that came to me. You know they say they never test you on your first time reporting. They don't think anybody's that stupid. they this is the kind of thinking that I got I stopped I got a doubleheader a granddad I was knee-walking drunk when I got down there and I didn't do that because I'd rather be drunk than sober if I had a power to stay sober on my own I wouldn't need AA and that's the head I brought in here and I came in AA you know what a guy told me he said don't drink and come to these meetings and you'll be fine I said dude if I could not drink I wouldn't need these meetings you better have more than that you better have more than that and he walked away from me because he didn't have more than that think to drink through another guy told me I said okay let's go get one are you kidding me we got a book it's called Alcoholics Anonymous I'm powerless and until I get some power no matter where I go or who I know what I read or what I memorize until I have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps I'm an alcoholic and my type is I'm either going to drink or blow my brains out come out of the pump lounge out on route four my brother was driving and I had what they call a moment of clarity or a moment of sanity it's a guy in Cleveland six-pack Charlie Kitchen and Charlie said that's the moment when God paralyzes the liar in you long enough for you to see the truth and for the first time in almost 20 years my head cleared this is what I saw Ken if you don't stop drinking you're going to die you better get some help she can't do it by yourself you better do it now because you're running out of time just like that I'm a great believer in the power of prayer I believe I was prayed in here I had given up okay um where alcoholism took me was a place when you give up it's a place called cold-blooded cold-hearted indifference I no longer cared I could look you in the eye and tell you quite frankly I could care less if you live or die just stay out of my way no I believe that's as far away from God as a human being can get I didn't love I didn't hate I just didn't care my nickname I ain't proud of this was poison my mother said I had the most negative aura of any human being she'd ever seen she said when you walk into a room the lights dim and that's what I bought to you and I have this moment of clarity and I went and I picked up the phone and I called a guy that was my best drinking buddy in college he's a doctor today and um I owed him five grand hadn't paid him a dime his wife answered the phone and this is what she said and how she said it Richard is Kent and he got on the phone and and he said what's up man and this is what I said I said Richard's your boy man I need some help and this is what he said to me he said man I've been waiting for this call for seven or eight years pack a bag stay by the phone I got you when I get a call Alex Anonymous in Sandusky Ohio at three o'clock in the morning you know what I tell them don't you pack a bag stay by the phone I got you and for that I am responsible call me back said don't go to work they're gonna fire you he said I want you to come down here he lived in Centerville outside of Dayton about 220 miles from where I live he said I'm gonna put you in treatment in a hospital treatment program called Green Hall my brother and his wife drove me down the next day as we sped my brother and his wife was in the front seat it was 25 of us in the back seat me and a case of Genesee beer now I didn't know too much about treatment but I have figured out on my own they wasn't serving no liquor in there and uh I got three or four of them cold jinnies in me and y'all ain't gonna believe but I had a visit from the enemy my thinking on my way to treatment my sponsor when I was new in AA I said to my sponsor Bill one day I said Bill can I ask you a question he said I said you know the invisible line they talk about in AA he said yeah I said if it's invisible how does anybody ever know they crossed it he said I want you to double your meetings I said Bill I'm already going to three a day he said go to six he said son he said anytime you in a room alone all your enemies are there right and he's talking about my thinking so I get these beers in me on my way to treatment here's the thought that occurs to me after three or four beers on my way to treatment you know I just may have overreacted I'm going to go to the hospital I'm going to go to the hospital I don't want to walk out of the hospital there I don't want to be overreacted here it ain't that bad come on I'll start my comeback tomorrow anybody ever think that right what I didn't know is my father told my brother and his wife I give you a hundred dollars you don't bring that tramp back here that's a true story that's a true story and we got down to Centerville and we got to Richard's house and he put me in his car and he drove me to treatment over in Zinnia and he bought me a quarter millers for the trip he said it was always your favorite we pulled in the parking lot at Green Memorial Hospital I had this much left in that quart and he put his car in park and he turned into the hospital and he said oh my goodness I'm going to be back in a minute I'm going to be back in a minute I'm going to be back in a minute I'm going to be back in a minute I'm going to be back in a minute I'm going to be back in a minute he looked at me and he is not a member of this fellowship and he said go ahead dog finish that and don't ask me how i know it man he said that's the last drink you ever gonna take every 17 of may 1992 and i had another drop of alcohol and anything stronger than an aspirin since that day and it's because alcoholics anonymous the program the fellowship and the service structure work and that's why got out of detox after nine days i had a lot of physical problems and they sent me what they call men's group where they had men reading out loud stories of their drinking escapades in the streets the counselor says kent what do you think about what you heard here today i said i'll tell you what i think about what i heard here today jim well i'm down here for a few days to get help for this small problem that i might have i would like to volunteer my time serves the energy to help you with these people because he's the sickest people i ever seen in my life that one statement got me an extra week of treatment 35 days in the 28-day program they cut my insurance off at 28 days they called the forward plant and they said you know we don't think kent's ready to leave the hospital you know what the forward plant said we don't either the next morning they took me down to the nurse's station where my enemy married a nurse who was 28 years sober in aa hung a sign around my neck this big it said i am not a counselor i had to wear it for a whole week next day jim had me write and read to a group i did i got done he said kent put your chair in the middle of the room let's make a circle around kent and tell him what we think of him he said i'm gonna start the ball rolling by saying kent's so full of bs his eyes are turning brown if you threw him in water he'd float away that was the nicest thing that was saying that room that day and what them guys what them guys told me was if i didn't get honest with myself i was gonna leave that place and i was gonna drink and i was gonna die honesty is the principle i left that room and i went back to my room and sat on my bed and i made a decision to be as honest as i could the rest of the time i was there in the street we used to say game recognizes game we we tell stories in here stephen king couldn't make up you know and the truth is spoken the truth is heard you know i heard a man today say he took him he robbed the bank and said give me fifty dollars you can't make that kind of stuff up you can't make that up if he gonna tell that to some some some sane people they ain't gonna let him go home right but i'm sitting here going uh 50 you do it baby i went to my first day meeting at green hall i loved a from the first time i saw it discussion meeting a lady from out of town had a problem and they went around the room and they shared with that lady with no judgment or condemnation similar problems that they had had and solutions they had found i was given a gift of love and the fellowship of alcoholics anonymous the first time i saw it you know my thought was my first day meeting how could something like this exist and i never heard of it i loved it the first time i saw it didn't understand it but there was the spirit of it and i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die alcoholics anonymous and i loved it i got out of treatment and i came home and i played a game it's called don't drink go to meetings and don't do nothing else if i put my arm through a window and i cut an ivory in my arm and i put a towel on my arm i run to the car i drive myself to the hospital i run in the emergency room i'm bleeding all over the floor the doctor steps out and says come on back mr coleman we'll treat you now i sit there in the emergency room bleeding to death look at the doctor and say no thank you i'll just sit here and i bleed to death bleeding to death in the emergency room ladies and gentlemen welcome to the emergency room see i've been here long enough now i've watched people who attend these meetings on a daily basis who die of untreated alcoholism go to two meetings a day in case they sober on a bet the treatment for the disease i suffer from is a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps as outlined in the book period period i went to 250 meetings in three months and ended up in the parking lot of daly's pub vibrating see i thought my problem was alcohol and i'm not drinking and by god everybody in sandusky knew it but my problem's not alcohol is it it's a symptom of a much larger problem isn't it my problem is called alcoholism it is a disease of mind body and spirit and our book is very clear that when we get better spiritually the mental and the physical will follow and i said my first problem is alcoholism and i said my first problem is alcoholism and i prayer sitting in the parking lot of a bar three months sober with 250 meetings under my belt and it was a simple prayer god what am i doing wrong and man like a lightning bolt what are you doing right if you go to that many meetings you hear it every day don't you get a sponsor read the book work the steps get a group help others no i ain't do none of that i pulled out of there and i went to an ae meeting and i ran to a man and i said would you help me and this is what that man told me he said son he said i'm gonna sponsor you out of the big book of alcoholics anonymous it's the only thing you're gonna do you're gonna do it you're gonna do it you're gonna do it you're that i know and i will demonstrate to you how i live those principles in my life now they call it 12 steps a kid of spiritual tools i love that i got a toolbox in my house i ain't never seen a hammer and screwdriver walked across the floor of my living room and fix a thing the only value of a tool is if i pick it up and use it the only value of these steps is if i apply them to my life i've had the privilege to stand on my high podiums of alcoholic synonymous all over the world i have yet to attend a meeting where somebody stands up and says works if you know it and my sponsor took me through the steps of the program as i try to live them today i want to i'm going to wrap this up and um and tell you that i had an opportunity to make amends to my mom when i got out of treatment my mom had bone cancer and she was dying and um i was allowed to come back into that home and my father told me one slip up and you're out of here but i need you to help me take care of your mom my sponsor told me you will not go in that house with any of that i'm sorry crap what you're going to do is you're going to do something you haven't done in the 32 years you've been alive and that's be the kind of son god put you on this earth to be and i went into that home and i helped my dad take care of my mom he worked afternoons i worked midnights and i took care of my mom gave her baths moved her from the her chair to the bed sat with my mom my mom saw me go to all those ae meetings my mom saw me bring my first sponsees to the house and sit down at the kitchen table and open the big book of alcoholics anonymous my mom has seen me put on a shirt and a tie and go speak at a meetings when i didn't have a suit when she got close to the end my sponsor said you go make it direct now they got her off the morphine i had a huge speech planned out i went to the hospital i sat down and i looked at my mom and my mom looked at me my mom had the biggest most beautiful brown eyes i've ever seen and tears ran down her face and tears ran down mine and the only thing i could get out of my mouth was my mom sorry i didn't have to say no more than that because seeing is believing and this is what my mom told me i forgive you and she said listen to me kenny i want you to promise me something stay with those people in alcoholics anonymous because they were able to do for you what we could not they were the answer to our prayer my mother died holding my hands and looking in my eyes in the hospital room my whole family i had a big family was up there calling her name and my uncle stood in the back of the room and said don't call her no more because she ain't gonna look away from him that's how she wants to go and that's how my mother left this earth and i'm gonna tell you something right now i've been blessed a million times since then but if i never got nothing else that was enough thank god for the fellowship the program of alcoholics anonymous my dad died i was 18 years sober and my dad saw me get married he saw the birth of my children um i'm gonna tell you something i'm gonna tell you something i'm gonna tell you something about my daddy my daddy was a man's man and um he lived and worked his whole life he was a war hero in korea he lived his whole life so he could hold his head high up in his community 40 day years of general motors never missed a day's work my father came to me after i had done something and made the front page of the paper and my daddy told me you made me hang my head i made amends to my dad you know and i paid him back the money i owed him you know my mom and dad i'm gonna tell you something about my dad i don't think they i used to go to aa meetings and people would say i offered the money to mom and dad and they said no just stay sober my mom and dad missed that i went to my mother and i said i owe y'all a lot of money and my mother you know what she told me i want my money and i paid my mom and dad back and you know what when my dad died there was nothing left on the table nothing and my my children my two little girls they adored my daddy and he adored them and i was the last person to die and i was the last person to die and i was the last person to die and i was the last person to see my daddy alive and and we talked and um and and he said i'm tired and i'm done and as i got ready to leave the hospital all he said to me was don't bring them girls here today and i said okay and i knew that was gonna be the last time i saw him and there was nothing left on the table he worked at general motors with a guy named joe joe sober over 30 years now and after my dad died joe came to see me and he said can't you need to know something he said you know your daddy told me one time that he wished you would change your life and i said no i'm not gonna change your name and leave town and after you were sober a year he said your dad came to me and said hey joe do you know my boy and joe said yeah pete i know him and he said your dad looked at me and said ain't he something don't talk to me about what god can't do don't talk to me about what god can't do but i must participate in my own recovery if you're new in here tonight the program of alcoholics anonymous is not about the acquisition of knowledge and intellect it is about the application of principles that are outlined in the big book of alcoholics anonymous got divorced last year i got a 12 year old daughter and a 16 year old daughter i was married to a woman sober longer than me good woman i ain't you know them things happen in life moved to las vegas spent a year with my sponsor bob in vegas um back in sandusky now back with my children my life is recovery is not an absence of problems what recovery is is having a power in my life and a relationship with a power that's bigger than any problem that life may present that's what this is about that's what this is about retire from ford and uh i'm working in automotive for a big automotive supplier now and just and just having a great time if you're new here tonight i want to leave you with something they gave me a tape of a man named warren chisholm senior when i was new 12th man and alcoholics anonymous in clave i got sober in 1939 he was a friend of my sponsor bill in that tape warren chisholm senior made this statement gave me goosebumps i had my headphones on working on the line at ford warren chisholm senior said that anyone who comes here who is willing to follow the principles and precepts of this program as outlined by the founders in the big book of alcoholics anonymous need never drink again one day at a time i ran to my sponsor bill and i said he can't say that bill never drink and this is what bill told me he said oh yes he can he said and i'm going to tell you why i can't he says because this is a spiritual program and god doesn't fail if this don't work for me it's because i have not fulfilled the conditions that have been laid down i must participate in my own recovery god will not do for me what i can do for myself but he will do for me what i can't do for myself those who do get and those who don't don't and it's just that simple if i said anything to help anybody tonight thank god don't thank me of myself i am nothing my strength coming from my father in heaven if i didn't say nothing to help you tonight guess what it's more meetings tomorrow huh god does not make too hard turns with those who seek him god could and would He was sought. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to him until your fellows clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the fellowship of the Spirit. And you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then. Good night.