Hank J. Cracked the Dam with a Borrowed Big Book at 2 a.m. on a Garage Floor 🤣 – Hank

Hi everybody, my name is Hank Johnson. I'm an alcoholic. And I am from California, and I'm from the Pacific Group in Los Angeles, Western L.A. And I'm a good friend of Ed and Nancy's, and a good friend of Bob. It's always great to see him. And if I lived here, I'd be coming to this group. And the reason is there's some enthusiasm here. And you people seem to enjoy being sober. And that's what I like. I like being sober. You know, 21 years ago, my life was, well, I just had the worst life of anybody in the whole world. No one had it worse than me, that's for sure. And now, 21 years later, no one's got it as good as I do. And what happened? I quit drinking. And I got a sponsor and started working these steps. And my life has improved. You know, I spoke in Nebraska here not too long ago, and a guy followed me, and he was a big buck nut. You know, he's one of these guys, and God love him, you know, but he knew every word on every page in the book, and where it appeared on the page, and what line, and all that. And I said I worked the steps. And he said, you know, Hank said, you know, it says in the book, these are the steps we took. And you don't work the steps, you take them. And I thought, you know, that's right, that's what it says. You know, we take the steps. It just seemed like work to me at the time. And I thought... I... After a humpteen years of marriage, and my wife and I really had a stormy marriage, I'll tell you, and we... She used to kick me out of the house all the time, and she divorced me three times, and I wound up in a little place called Hermosa Beach, California, in a little garage that they had made some living quarters. It was a little room, like 12 by 15, actually, is what it was. You know, I've got a dual problem, too. A lot of people in AA nowadays have dual problems. They're alcoholics and drug addicts, they're alcoholics and overeaters, they're alcoholics... This or alcoholics... I'm an alcoholic and a procrastinator. And I always figure if a thing's worth doing, it's worth waiting until tomorrow to even consider doing it. You know. And I base my life on starting tomorrow. You know. And my boss had a plaque in his office, and it says, Today is the first day of the rest of your life. I used to look at that plaque and say, I got that all wrong. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is the first day. I'm sick today. I've got to get out of this. I've got to get... I need a few drinks, you know, to get well, and then tomorrow I'm going to really hit it hard. And I moved, you know, so this lady rented me this little beach place, and she said it's a half a block from the water. I said, gee, that's great. I'm going to get up early every morning, I'm going to run five miles along the ocean edge. Then I'll dive in the water, and I'll body surf a few waves in. God, I'll feel good. As far as I know, the water was down there. I never really got around to checking it out for sure. Well, I only lived there four years. I was going to. I just didn't get around to it. And I'm an observer of life. I don't participate in it. I just observe it. And I can tell you where you're going wrong if you want to check with me, because I'm an observer of life. Because I've observed a lot of people and the way they live, and I know what's right. One of these days, I'm going to live the good life. Sorry, tomorrow. But I got in that little place, and I bought a turntable and ten speakers from a friend of mine. I had speakers in all four corners, behind the drapes, behind the couch, in the bathroom, in the kitchen. You name it, I had a speaker there. And a typical day for me was to wake up. It would be 10 o'clock in the morning. I'm already an hour late to work. Oh, man. And I'd throw my clothes on, get in that car, and weave in and out of traffic. I had to get there. You see, I should have worked yesterday. I left all these papers all over my desk. I had papers in my desk drawer. Some of them were months old. They were too old to turn in. You know, if I turned them in, I'd be fired for holding them so long. And if I didn't turn them in, I was going to be fired. And, you know, I knew I was going to be fired today. Today was going to be it. And, boy, I'd really, I'd check my desk out first thing, see, you know, if anything had been disturbed. And same as yesterday. Phew. Saved again. Go get a cup of coffee and go back to my desk and shuffle papers and make excuses to my customers and try to look interested, you know. At a respectable time, I'd go to lunch at the bar that was conveniently located right next door to where I worked. They sold martinis over there. I like martinis. And during the lunch hour, they sold double martinis for a dollar. The regular martinis were 75 cents. I figured, whoever heard of having one martini, you're going to have two anyhow, so you might as well order the dollar one. You know, you'll save 50 cents. God knows, you need the money bad. And I'd order the dollar one. I'd get to sipping on it, and I'd kind of check my drink against the guy sitting next to me. He'd have a 75-center, you know. And I'd say to myself, who the hell do they think they're kidding? This isn't a double. It's a little larger than a 75-center, that's all. If it were really a double, they'd be charging more money for it. You know, I've been around. I know these things. So I'd better have another one. And then I'd have another one, then I'd have another one, then I'd have another one. And I'd call the office and tell them, I forgot to tell you. I'm going on a lot of calls this afternoon. Take messages. I'll be back tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock. And I'd head towards the beach, and I'd say, I'd stop and buy the cheapest bottle of vodka I could find. Whatever was on sale that day, that's what I bought. I'd get home about 2 or 2.30, hang up my clothes real carefully, because I'm kind of a neat drunk, and put my pajamas on. And I'd sit on the edge of my bed and untap that cheap vodka, you know. Done it again today, you know. This cannot continue. You know, you're not the only guy that's ever been divorced. You're not the only guy that's ever been in debt. Why the hell don't you do something about it? All you do is sit around and talk about stuff. You never take any action on anything. Then I'd put one of those old records on the turntable. Something like Billy Eckstein singing, Who Can I Turn To? And then I'd go into my fantasy about, you know, starting tomorrow morning, it's all going to be different. Starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to get up at 6 o'clock. I'll get down to that damn office by 7. I'll knock out paperwork for a couple hours. When that phone starts ringing, starting tomorrow, I'm going to be ready to do business. And starting tomorrow, a whole new life is going to open up for me. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to put a big red X on the calendar. I'm going to work 365 days in a row. I'm in sales. I don't have to watch the clock. I can work seven days a week if I want to. And, you know, I'm going to do that. I'm going to work 365 days in a row. And I'm going to make some big bucks. And I'm going to get squared away financially once and for all. And starting tomorrow, I'm not even going to drink. You know. Jeez, what a terrific idea. God, sometimes I surprise myself. You know, I have these wonderful ideas. You know, that's the solution to my problems. You know. And then I'd start fantasizing what I'm going to do with all the money and all that kind of stuff, you know. And I'd look up at the clock. It'd be 10 minutes to 11. Gee, it can't be 10 minutes to 11. I just sat down here on the edge of this bed. And then I realized I was almost out of booze. And my God, the liquor store closes at 11. And I'd throw my clothes on over my pajamas. I'd run two blocks to the liquor store. I had to get there before 11. That's when I first started jogging, about that time. I'd get there just as they were closing up, you know. A bottle of Smirnoff. I always bought the better brands right around where I lived. I wouldn't want anybody to think I was cheap right there in the neighborhood, you know. And I could stroll back to my shack with peace and contentment and security for the rest of the night. And I'd get back there and have a few more drinks and play a few more of those old records and start, you know, and I'd think, you know, what do I think I'll do? I think I'll work two years in a row. What the hell, you know? At the end of two years, I'll have made so much money that I'll take a whole year off. I'll buy a boat. I'll sail all over the world in that boat. You know, I've been everywhere in the world. I've sailed everywhere in the world sitting on the edge of my bed. You name a spot, I've been there, you know. And somewhere in there, I'd start rehearsing the speech I was going to have to give because I knew I was going to be salesman of the year. And I'd pass out somewhere in there. I'd wake up the next morning. It'd be 10 o'clock. I'm already an hour late to work. Oh, man. Getting in that car, weaving in and out of traffic. I had to get there because I left all those papers. If the boss had found them, I'd get fired. I knew today was going to be the day and I checked my desk out. Everything's the same as yesterday. Phew. Saved again. You know. At a respectable time, I'd go to lunch at the bar that was conveniently located right next door to where I work. I'd go over there and make my big decision of the day. Whether to have the dollar one or the 75 center. And then I'd have another one. Then I'd have another one. Then I'd have another one. Then I'd call them and tell them. I forgot to tell you. Go on a lot of calls. Take messages. I'll be back tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock. And I head towards the beach and stop and buy the cheapest bottle of vodka I could find. Get home about 2 o'clock. I'm going to be back tomorrow. I'm going to be back tomorrow. 2 or 2.30. Hang up my clothes and put my pajamas on and sit on the edge of the bed. And I'd open that cheap vodka and take a big, big jolt out of it. Several swallows. And I'd say to myself, I've done it again today. This cannot continue. You know, you're not the only guy that's ever been divorced. You're not the only guy that's ever been in debt. Why the hell don't you do something about it? You know, at least you can get a second job. Well, you don't need to get a second job. You're in sales. You can make as much money as you want. By God, that's right. Start tomorrow morning. You know, I'm going to get up at 6 o'clock, get down to that office. I didn't do that once or twice. I did that hundreds of times. You know, my son had to come and live with me because he was getting in trouble at school. And he went on. He was like 16 years old. And he went to a party or something and had a few drinks and came home intoxicated. And threw up on the carpet or whatever. And so she called me and said, come and get your drunken son. Just like you are. And what I should have said is, oh, wait a minute. You know, why are you sending him down here to me now? You know, he's in trouble. I don't mind seeing him, but you know, it seems to me we went to court about all this and you want him, you know. Now you're having a little trouble, you want to send him to me. You know. That's what I should have said. You know. He didn't want to come and live with me. He used to come down once in a while and spend a weekend with me. I never knew what to say to him. What do you say to a 16-year-old kid? I just could never think of anything. I thought, well, if I was a real dad, what would I be talking about? You know, if I wasn't drinking, if you were really his father, what would you be talking about? And I figured, so I'd start criticizing him. Criticizing his haircut. Why don't you get a haircut? You know, how come you're not doing better in school? All these things. You know, he did. But if I was drinking, which was most of the time, I just used to slobber all over him. Tell him how much I loved him. You know, of all the trouble your mother and I have had through the years, it has nothing to do with you. We love you. And I'd drool all over him. Try to kiss him. And he would just, you know. You know, you were no accident. You were a love child. Oh. You know. I can still see the look on his face like it happened yesterday, you know. And I'd corner him. You know how you'd corner him and then they can't escape and then you can really pour it on. And somehow it escaped. And next morning I'd be ashamed of myself. You know, I'd really be ashamed of myself. Not that I had been drunk the night before, but that I had let my guard down. See, I'm from the old school. You don't show any emotion to anybody at any time. You never let them know how you're feeling. I had it down to a science. You could tell me the funniest joke in the world and I wouldn't laugh. I'd just tell you, that's a funny joke. And, you know, Nancy would have had trouble with me, I'll tell you. And about the only time I ever laughed is if I saw you fall down and hurt yourself. Sometimes I couldn't control myself then. You know. And I practiced it. I could go to these jazz joints and I'd hear world famous musicians blowing trumpets and saxophones and just, you know, really great music. And I'd just sit there with a cigarette in one hand and a drink in another and never move a muscle. And all those squares were snapping their fingers and tapping their toes and I'd look down on them. And that's the way I lived. So I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed that I had let my guard down and told my son I loved him. I couldn't look him in the eye. I'd just get him in my car and drive him home and dump him off, you know. He asked his mother after one of those weekends, he said, you've divorced him. Is there any kind of legal action I can take? I don't want to go back there. So he had to come and live with me. But that was the start of a beautiful relationship that we've got going right to this day. It's a funny thing. We got together without mom somehow. You know, two of us against the world. You know, what we had in common is we both had a resentment against his mother and my wife, my ex-wife. And so that was the basis of a beautiful relationship that we've got going right to this day. And she came down and checked us out one Sunday and one thing led to another. We decided we were really miserable people. We seemed to be more miserable apart than we were together. And we kind of, confessed that to one another. And what are we fighting about? Our daughter had already split and all we've got left is each other. Why are we treating each other this way? Our son would probably be going into the service any time. And so really all we had was each other. Why don't we try this thing one more time and show a little respect and consideration to one another instead of criticizing, you know, picking ourselves apart. And so we thought it was a great idea at the time. And she said, I won't even fight you on your drinking anymore. In fact, I'll join you. And I should have been suspicious, but I wasn't. Little did I know that during that two or three year period we were apart, she had started drinking. And she was a full-blown alcoholic immediately. You know, some of us are. Some of us are. The first time we get drunk, we get in trouble, we get arrested, we're just in trouble. And so from that moment, we just keep on drinking and we're alcoholics from the first drink. And that's what she used to say when she talked in AA that she was an alcoholic from the first drink. In my case, I think I drank myself in alcoholism. I had a lot of fun with alcohol for a long time. It was a social lubricant for me. It enabled me to dance and romance and do all the things that normal people seem to be able to do without that stuff. Just give me a couple of drinks to get me started. You know, then, I keep a drink coming every once in a while. I can be real social and, you know, just have a hell of a lot of fun. And I'm very friendly. I don't care who you are. I like you the best. You know. You're the most interesting person I've ever met in my life. I want to talk with you. You know, I want to hear your whole life story. I'm prepared to sit up all night with you and hear your plans for the future. As long as we got booze, I'm right there with you all the way. And I had a lot of fun with booze. For a long, long time. I don't know when it turned on me. You know, I don't know when I became allergic to it, but I did. I became allergic to it. But I didn't know it. I became allergic to penicillin. Same thing happened to me with penicillin. And I took penicillin several times. Last time I took penicillin, I wound up in the hospital for eight days. Damn near died. And the doctor said, you know, don't ever, you shouldn't be taking penicillin. I said, what are you talking about? It's always worked before. He said, well, you've become allergic to it. It's not going to work anymore. You're allergic to that stuff. He said, I'm not kidding. He said, don't ever take penicillin again. He said, because really, next time you take it, it might kill you. And I said, no kidding. I promise. I'm proud to stand up here tonight in Minneapolis and say, I got about 32 and a half years off of that stuff. I haven't had to go to any kind of a meeting about it. I don't even know if they've got penicillin anonymous or not. They probably do. They got every other kind of an anonymous nowadays, you know. And I haven't had to get a sponsor. You know, it hadn't been necessary to work the 12 steps relating to my penicillin problem. You know, I haven't had to call anybody up at 2 o'clock in the morning and say, I've got this uncontrollable desire to take a shot of penicillin. Turns out the allergy of alcohol and the allergy of penicillin is just a little bit different. You know, I just never, ever have had a craving for a shot of penicillin. And so I quit cold turkey and I feel good about it. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, but anyhow, she moved in and all hell broke loose. We could never drink together. It was just bad news, you know. And I like music when I, when I drink and, and I had all these old records, these old 78s and I'd put one of those on, you know, the same records I was playing when I was 18. That's another thing about me. When I, I took my first drink in a bar, I had done a little behind the gym drinking before that, but I took my first drink in a bar when I was 18 years old. And I, I feel that's when I became a rap star. And I, and I, and I, became a man. A man can buy a drink over a bar without being asked how old he is. You're supposed to be 21 in California. I could play the jukebox over in the corner just as good as the rest of the guys. In fact, I thought my selection of songs were a little better than most. I could sit at the bar and get better looking after each drink, and I just went back every opportunity I had from them. And I thought I had become a man. Actually, what happened, I really truly feel that when I took that drink when I was 18 years old at that bar, that's when my emotional growth stopped right then and there. And I dealt with the next 25 years with an 18-year-old set of emotions. You know, that's okay if you're 18, or in your 20s you can get by, and even in your 30s, you know. But after you get in your 40s, they start looking at you funny when you react like, an 18-year-old. And no wonder, you know, I was a rotten husband. No wonder I was a rotten worker, you know. I just couldn't... I based everything on the experience that I had up until age 18. And I don't think I learned anything. I didn't accept anything from that point on. And so, but, so she moved in with me, and we couldn't drink together. And I got her on a trip. And we went to a bar together. It was impossible, because, see, I'd play one of those old records, for instance. And, jeez, what a great song. I haven't heard it, you know, for a while. Just like a new song. I played it the first time in that bar when I was 18, only now, 20 years later, you know, and terrific song. Play it one more time. Then I'd play it again, and again, and again, and again. It used to drive her crazy. She'd go to the turntable and take the record off. Don't break that at the bar. She'd sit there, and she'd get drunk, and she'd go, Oh, I just got an awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, it's a collector item you can't replace that good bang I'll never have to hear that damn thing again sometimes I get hung up on a trumpet to it I don't know if you ever done that or not you know lay that needle in there toot oh man play it again toot she went over the phonograph one night this one over and took the arm and just bend it up I couldn't play any more records that night I'll tell you that I don't know where she got her strength with a metal arm I tried to straighten it out the next day with a hammer and pliers and stuff I I couldn't get it straightened out I don't know how she did that that's why we live that's where we lived only a lot worse or it was a lot worse than that and I finally told her I said this is ridiculous you know getting together again it was just a big mistake you know and I don't know I don't know about you you know I don't know about you you know I don't know about you you know I don't know about you you know you know some people should just not drink you know you're just one of those kind you know and there's no fun at all you know and all the pent-up emotions and hostilities of a lifetime would come out every time she drank and it was just chaos and and so I thought I'm gonna go to my brother's house tonight and stay over there when I come back tomorrow morning I expect to be out of here that's more time than you used to give me and so I went to my good brother's house you know the brother that you could knock on his door at 12 or 1 a.m. and and as long as you got something in a brown paper bag he'll just pull you right in and I went over to his place and we sat up all night and philosophized about the state of the world women in particular seemed like he'd married a loser too and we had a lot in common and the old and that's just the kind of mess it's for everyone to look at it you know it's Eve would be a pure see anything else being with warmer are then I simple every day the diary I read like this is ever been a time-honored picture of you know your business important things like art every day well your life after a short wait right and like I never fell in love with anything except for seeing your wife disappointing things I felt like I could be worrying and just because I saw my my scent every bit of clothes I owned, just ripped everything to pieces, you know. Cut my ties in half of my shirts and cut my pant legs off my pants. Took the knife and stabbed my damn shoes even. Just destroyed my clothes. And then she went out into the living room and pulled the pictures off the wall and broke those all up and lamps and destroyed all those collector items, you know, those 78, just broke every one of those and just destroyed that little place we lived in. And then she turned the gas on in the kitchen oven and went to bed. Next morning she woke up. Nothing happened. That old little place we lived in was a half a block from the water and a wind used to whistle through those boards. You could have turned the gas on ten of them and never smelled it in there. But she survived one more time. But she had been the only one. That had stayed there that night. And she knew she had done that, but she didn't remember doing it. That really scared her, you know, and she just couldn't believe what she had done. And then I came home. I had trouble believing it's my son. And then our son came home, he checked us out he thought we were moving again or not. It used to move a lot and we'd hit bottom. Bob And then our son came home. He checked us out. He thought we were moving again. We used to move a lot. And we'd hit bottom. That was our bottom. You know, I'm from a good family. She was from a good family. And when we got married, you know, we had great plans what we were going to do with our life. You know, we really planned on a great life, planned to live the good life. And all we had managed to do is just slowly, over a period of years, sit around and drink every bit of goodness out of our lives. And from then on, nothing was good. From then on, it was all bad. And we had been going to group therapy again. And this therapist asked me, do you really drink as much as she says? I said, hell yes, I do. I drink a lot. Who wouldn't marry to a woman like that? I had two of the worst children. You could possibly imagine. I had a pressure job. My God, the pressure on that job. Alone, make somebody drink. But what's the big deal? So I drink. So what? They've never missed a meal. They've always had a decent place to live. They've always had clothing. They've always had whatever they needed. Medical care. They haven't suffered because of my drinking. I don't know why she's always making a big deal out of my drinking. And he said, have you ever thought of quitting? I said, as a matter of fact, I have. And I did. I used to think about it every night. Starting tomorrow. I'm not going to quit tonight, but starting tomorrow I am. And he said, have you ever thought of going to AA? And that's thanks, but no thanks. I've already been to AA. And I had gone to a meeting one time. It was one of these meetings. I don't know if they do it here. They probably do. They get chips for various lengths. They get drinks for sobriety. And the guy that night says, anyone to finish their first 30 days of sobriety, if so, come up and get a chip. And this guy came up. My name's Joe Blow and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm really proud to get this chip. You know. And I know this is a spiritual program that I found God when I walked through the doors of AA. The lights in the eyes of the people that just turn me on. Keep me coming back to these meetings. I just love every single person here. Just before I came to the meeting tonight, I got a call from my employer. He's made me general manager down at the Planet. It's a wonderful, glorious way of life. And for all you newcomers, keep coming back. We love you. Geez. Anybody else? My name's Mary Smith and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm really proud to get this chip. And I know this is a spiritual program that I found God when I walked through the doors of AA. And the lights in the eyes of the people that just turn me on. I'm keeping coming back to you. I just love every single person here. In fact, hate is no longer a word in my vocabulary. I just love everybody. Not just the people in AA. Everybody in the whole world. Just a short time ago, my children, when they looked my way, they had fear in their eyes. Now when they see me, they show respect. And I've noticed lately that my husband is looking at me with renewed interest. This is the end of Side 1. Please turn the tape over now for Side 2. It's a wonderful, glorious way of life. And there's 12 wonderful steps. And my children were failing in school just a short time ago. Now we're getting letters from all the major universities throughout the United States offering free scholarships. When I wake up in the morning, I reach over and grab the hand of God and we walk through the day hand in hand. A wonderful, glorious way of life in these 12 great steps. And for all you newcomers, keep coming back. We love you. And I thought, oh my God. I wasn't able to stay for the whole meeting. That night. I needed a drink. And I needed it bad. And I went and got one. Or 20. Or whatever. And so this guy suggested AA. I said, forget it. I've already been. Some kind of a spiritual program. I don't know. A religious cult of some kind. It's okay by me. There's nothing I'd be interested in. So he sent me to a doctor. I was going to get some antabuse. Because I told him, I'm going to quit. I'm tired of listening to it. And so I went to this doctor. I was told not to drink for at least two days prior to coming to get the antabuse. And so the doctor said, is it true you haven't had a drink for 48 hours prior to coming here? I said, that's right. I haven't. He says, you don't need antabuse. If you can go two days, two full days without a drink, you're over the hump. He says, you know, if you don't want to, you never need to drink again as long as you live. Scared the hell out of me. And he just went on and on and on about the disease of alcoholism and how people that have the disease of alcoholism have character defects. They refuse to work on their problems. They refuse to cope with their problems. Instead of coping, they get drunk tonight instead. And they wake up the next morning and they still got all their problems. Only now they got a hangover on top. And he was telling me my story. I just didn't recognize it at the time. And so finally he said, well, Jesus, if you're not going to give me antabuse, then I guess I better go. How much do I owe you? And he said, I can see I'm not making much of an impression on you, so I'm going to tell you something I wouldn't normally tell my patients. But due to the nature of your appointment here today, I'm going to tell you something. That my wife's an alcoholic. We've tried everything. We've tried everything. We've tried everything. We've tried rest homes and sanitariums and treatment centers and psychiatry and abuse. We've tried everything. Nothing's ever worked. It all works temporarily. As long as she's in a treatment center, she's sober. As soon as she gets out of the treatment center, she's drunk within a week or two. And we've done this over and over again. But she's sober now. She goes to AA. She's sober for seven months. Hooray, hooray. Who cares? Who cares? And he said, you know, promise me, he says, you know, that you'll go to the Manhattan Beach Clubhouse on your way home and buy the book, Alcoholics Anonymous. He says, I wouldn't bother going to the treatment center. Just go, if she stays sober two days, just go directly into AA, you know. And promise me that you'll go by and buy that book. And I said, okay. And he said, there'll be no charge for this call. That's the only thing that guy said that day that impressed me at all. I did go buy the book. I threw it on my dresser. And then this fiasco happened where she tried to commit suicide. She had been with me and heard all of what the doctor had said. And she went back and talked to him. And she asked him if he thought she was an alcoholic. And he said he didn't know, but why didn't she go to some meetings with his wife? That she'd be happy to take her. And so that's what happened. And she went to AA. And that's the reason I'm standing up here tonight. You know, because my wife went to AA. I would have never gone back. I don't think I would have gone back. Who knows? But I don't think I would have. But to be a good guy, every once in a while I'd go to a meeting with her. I hated the meetings. I hated them, you know. And I thought the guys that were standing up here especially, I couldn't stand them, you know. I thought they were experts. You know what an expert is, don't you? An expert's a guy that knows a hundred different ways of making love and doesn't even have a girlfriend. They're well-meaning people, you know. They go to school. They learn all this stuff. And the information that they're giving us is absolutely correct. It's true in every respect, you know. But they've got it out of books. They have no idea what a drink does for a guy like me. You know. It's instant relief. You know. They don't know that. They have no idea. They just see people destroying their lives with alcohol. And they're giving us good advice. But I just couldn't listen to those kind of people, you know. And I went to these J.A. meetings and I thought the guys standing up here were paid lecturers. And I wasn't paying any attention to them. And, uh... I got sober the same way Bill Wilson got sober. You know. He had a lot of experts in his life. He went to the hospital several times. And he stayed sober while he was in the hospital. He'd get discharged from the hospital. He was drunk in a week or two. And he did it over and over again. He had a brother-in-law, I believe, that was a doctor, tried to help him. Well-meaning people tried to help him. But he couldn't get sober. He couldn't stay sober. And then somebody... He told him drunk that he... Bad drunk that he knew. Knocked on his door one night. And told him that he'd been sober for 60 days. And told him how he did it. And, uh... Really impressed Bill Wilson. It wasn't too much longer after that that Bill Wilson met Dr. Bob Smith. And AA was formed. You know, was started. One drunk talking to another drunk. No lectures. You know. They're not talking. They're not talking down to you. They're sharing. Sharing one drunk to another. And that's how I got sober. Not listening to the people up here, but sitting out in the audience, rubbing shoulders with a fellow alcoholic. And I'm very glad that's what happened to me. And I haven't had to fight it. And so I got sober. And I hated being sober, by the way. You know, because, God, my life is over. Right? Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. It's absolutely over. You know. I'll never be able to have a decent time, ever again. You know. And like Franklin, Franklin Williams says, you know, I'm struck down in the prime of my life with an incurable disease. And I'll never be able to drink again. I'll never be able to have any fun ever again. I'll never be able to go to a decent restaurant ever again. I'm stuck at Denny's for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to go to a restaurant. to go to a restaurant where they serve liquor, you know, a nice restaurant, never be able to go. You know, because what do they want to know when you go into a nice restaurant? First thing they want to know, you know, would you like a cocktail before dinner? And you can't say to them, well, yeah, I'd like one, but, you see, I've got this disease and it's of a two-fold nature. It's an analogy of the body coupled with an obsession of the mind. And if I take even one drink, I can't predict my behavior. If it wasn't for that, I'd sure have one. I used to think you had to explain all that stuff to people. I used to spend 90% of my day back then explaining things to people. And if I was standing on a street corner and somebody walked up to me, I'd start explaining what I was doing there. I had no self-worth at all. I even had to explain what a little bit of space I was taking up in this world. You know. And that's what I'm working on now. I'm trying to quit explaining. It's hard. It's hard not to explain. But I'm working on it. And I go for days sometimes without explaining. But invariably, I catch myself. I always start from the day I'm born. I bring you up to date, you know, all the pros and cons and ramifications of the problem because I want you to understand. And sometimes when I'm doing that, I catch myself. Right in mid-explanation, I stop. You know, the sad, real sad part about this is they never, ever notice the difference. You know, it turns out no one is listening to your explanations. No one's a damn bit interested in finding out why you haven't done something you were supposed to do in the first place. And I'm just trying to quit altogether. My wife and I had a real hard time in sobriety. We couldn't go to the same meetings together. They separated us because we got to go to one meeting a week together. And, but our sponsors separated us because we'd go hear some speakers talking and we'd argue about what he really meant on the way home. And, gradually, over a period of years, we finally got it together a little bit. And, my wife died five years ago four years ago. She died from cancer. And, but, you know, our life was in order when she passed away. And, you know, sometimes they ask me, Hank, what is it that you've got from AA? Just what is it? You know, your sobriety, of course, and your good health. But what else? What have you really got from AA? You know, I got caught up. I got caught up. I was really behind in everything. I was really behind in everything. I couldn't do anything because, see, I was paralyzed. People would ask me to go take a vacation. I couldn't because I had to stay there and protect that paperwork I hadn't done. I couldn't leave town. You know, I owed money to everybody and all that. You know, I was never, ever current in anything. And, slowly, over a period of years, I had become responsible. Slowly, over a period of years, you know, become dependable. You know, slowly, over a period of years, I got those guys paid off. You know, a big help to me was that I found out that that wasn't my money. You know, that it was their money. You know, I had to pay them their money. You know, I got that all confused. I thought it was my money. You know, and, but I paid them off. And our life was in order. You know, and it says on page 164, page 164, and part of it says, you know, ask in your morning meditation what you can do for the man who's still sick. The answers will come if your own house is in order. Obviously, you can't help somebody unless your own house is in order. I'm not quoting that exactly right, but that's what it says in there. And, yeah, that's it. You know, my house is in order. You know, 21 years ago, my kids weren't speaking to me. You know, and, I was behind in everything. My relationship with everybody was all screwed up. And, and now, I'm current. I have a loving relationship with my son. I have a loving relationship with my daughter and my grandchildren and all that. You know, in fact, my son that used to look at me so funny back in those days, no wonder he looked at me so funny. He was stoned out of his gourd. Seemed like he had a problem with booze, too. And he took LSD. And I found out not too long ago that he was a glue sniffer, too, you know. He used to wonder why when I got in my car on a Saturday morning my steering wheel was all sticky, you know. I just recently found out he was a glue sniffer. I'm really ashamed to have to tell you folks that, but, but I'll be damned if he didn't turn himself into AA when he was 21 years old. And on May the 27th, the last year, I drove up to Santa Barbara to his five-bedroom home. Oh, two-story home overlooking the Pacific Ocean. I don't know how many bathrooms he's got in that house. You know, all I know is everybody can go to the bathroom at the same time. He's got a beautiful place and he's married to a very beautiful gal that's in Al-Anon. And he's doing great. You know, he's a big wheel in AA. He's a big wheel in Los Angeles. He spoke at the Palm Springs Roundup. He was a young people's speaker at the Palm Springs Roundup one year. And first time I ever saw him dressed up, you know, as an adult, you know. He bought a new suit and a nice shirt and tie. He got his hairstyle looking good. He stood up before 12, 1,800 people, whatever, and he said, my name is Matt Johnson. I'm an alcoholic. He said, I'm the son of a drunken mother and a drunken father. And my wife and I looked at each other and we just burst into tears. We were so goddamn proud. And, my daughter had a baby when she was really young. That kid is 23 years old and I can't believe I've got a grandson 23 years old. I'm too young to have a grandchild. My image, it really blows my image, you know. He goes to the same meeting I go to. I'm really a parent. Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago he took a six-year cake. He got sober when he was 18 years old. And, the three of us are sober. We all went to the Seattle, up to Seattle to the international convention. They invited me to sit with them. You know, and I sat next to my son on this side and his Al-Anon wife, next to my grandson and his AA fiance. And, I sat there and I had a spiritual experience. You know. I was sitting there with 46,000 other alcoholics in my family. You can't, we can't be together. It's just impossible. You know. And, I didn't force myself on them. You understand that. I was invited to sit with them. And, I had a spiritual experience. You know. You wonder how the hell do you get there from where we were. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. And, we're still not the best family on the block. I wouldn't try to kid anybody. But, you know. We have a, we have loving feelings for one another. About the only thing I can say, what it all means, what AA is, is what I heard at that first meeting that I ever went to. And, it turns out that this program really is a spiritual program. You know. And I know that I found God when I walked through the doors of AA. And you notice the lights in the eyes of the people that just turn me on and keep me coming back. Thank you very much.