Handling Life’s Terms Through Emotional Sobriety — Sal B.

Okay. So you guys might have some questions. Probably a good idea to take a little, jot them down in your notebook. And we will have time for questions and answers at some point because if I answer too many questions I get kind of messed up. I am the type of teacher who likes to use a board. It keeps me focused and you will be grateful for that. I don't want to spin off on you somewhere in outer space and forget what I'm talking about. So I like the board system. It works for me. I'm an artist and I like to put my craft out on paper. What else do I need to know? Who did not get a plug? Raise your hand if you did not get a plug. Keep it up high so I can see where you are. Thanks. Take care of that. Keep your hand up. We've got to get everyone a plug. I guarantee you are not plugged in. I know for a fact on Sunday you will be. Who here thinks they're plugged in? An alcoholics anonymous besides myself. Raise your hand. Let me see you. Come on. говорить autossing in general AA works and works really well. All right. I always like to start my workshops with a prayer followed by the serenity prayer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . We bow our heads. JOY IN THE question. Do you think the journey by having the liquid all over your face by the time this really ends we are going through when your alcoholic tea AOE for the Kilimanjaro is, as follows,욱, salamentioned. . . cubicle請ky forsakeck 오 pinklwo. entertainer ces squareteakcar hopes and supplies men signals afterwards are nor yes I when i did stress your odd jobs i love the heads here tonight in respect and hope that many great transformations will take place this weekend as we embark on our 12-step journey into emotional sobriety. Many of us, although sober in body, live benighted and dark day after day, week after week, month after month, and miss the spark of power that surrounds us in the spiritual way of life AA offers us. So let's set aside from all we know and all that we think we know and remember to keep our religion outside by the door so that a new, clear message of empowerment can fulfill you and forever color your world. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Merit. Sorry. Did I tell you guys this is my first time ever being recorded? There you have it. Okay. Here we go. So, this is Joe Public. This guy represents every single one of us in the room. Okay. You're going to see him a lot this weekend. And what did we do? We were led by boos, weren't we? Anyone here led by boos? Didn't booze make you make decisions in your life? Me too. It made me decide who to hang with, who not to hang with, what I was gonna think, what I was not gonna think. Okay, our job is to separate ourselves from the idea of booze and to become empowered and be driven by a new way of life. And that's what we're here to do today. All right, emotional sobriety. Here's the definition of emotional sobriety. My glasses. Okay, I'm gonna tell you something about these boards real quick. They're not going anywhere. If you guys wanna take a look at these things at the end of the class, that's fine. I know you're not gonna be able to see them from the back row. They're really for me. Okay, but these boards aren't going anywhere. Anyone can take a look at them at any time. Okay, emotional sobriety. To be sober and to have the ability to accept life on life's terms while being able to conduct oneself in a rational, reasonable, socially acceptable manner. Usually free, not always. Usually free of exceptional anxieties. Anyone have those? Okay, irrational fears. Okay, and abnormal emotional upheavals. Okay, I'm gonna give you a layman's term for that in a second. Okay, it also means to be free from having a faulty emotional dependency on people, places, and things for my feelings of self-satisfaction, worthiness, safety, and protection. Okay? Let me see. Let me give you the layman's terms for emotional sobriety. To be sober, gotta have, gotta be sober, right? And to have the ability to handle your feelings, right? Your emotions and your reactions to daily life situations in a really calm, reasonable manner without hurting people. Think about that. You're gonna deal with life as it is without hurting people, without booze too. See, really, the second day after I put the drink down, my emotional sobriety begins. Come on up, Sheila. Vanna White. I'm gonna give you a really great visual for what I think of what emotional sobriety really is. We call it mercurial, the, the, the, the metal mercury. It's kind of liquidy. So, go ahead. This is what emotional sobriety is like. She's, whoop, she's pouring the water in my hand. Here, let you guys see what this looks like. I'm not moving my hands, am I? What's coming out? I'm leaking. Anyone else leak? Emotional sobriety is mercurial, guys. Nobody's gonna leave here with more of it tonight than when you came in. Okay, we're gonna try to educate you. We'll try to educate you about how to hold on to it a little bit longer. Okay, does that make sense, you guys? You just can't hold, it's not, it's something you just can't hold on to all the time. You're gonna leak with it. I love the example. I was a newlywed with my husband and things weren't going good. And he brought me to that place that I don't like to go. My immaturity shows up. And I had a, I drink a lot of water, I had a bottle of water. And he was, he just got too much of me. And he started running away from me. I took my bottle of water and I threw it as hard as I could. Was that emotional sobriety? No. You know what he said? See, you're not emotionally sober. Who the hell do you think you are? Bottle hit the wall, there's still a mark there in my room. But he was right, I was not emotionally sober. I could not handle what was going on in my life. I was 18 years sober at the time. And doing some workshops and stuff. And I couldn't take it anymore. We're divorced today. Not because of that. But anyway, so yeah, so emotional sobriety is mercurial. Okay, it's gonna leak. And the fastest you figure out that you're leaking, the faster you can pause when agitated or doubtful. Hard to do, isn't it? Pause when agitated or doubtful, so you can figure out what to do next that's somewhat spiritual and not gonna hurt anybody. Okay? Here's what emotional sobriety isn't. Road rage. Violence in any form at all. Bullying, sarcasm, gossiping. Who are my gossipers? How about losing your temper? How about assuming stuff? Ah, all the hands go up. How about assuming stuff and then acting on what you're assuming about? . . . . Emotional outbursts? How about needing to control others? . Mm, the hands went down. . That's a tough one to admit. How about being pitiful? . And we're talking sober, guys. We're clear on that, right? You know, we're, from this point on, we're talking about being sober and AA. How about being a perfectionist? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . , Oh, everything is awful! I got a hangnail, it was awful! . That's blood everywhere on the paper, was awful! Punishing behavior! Yeah, come on, who punishes? How about taking everything personally? There's recovery from that, guys. There's recovery from everything we're talking about tonight. And how do you recover from stuff like that? You learn that you're doing it, first of all, and then you figure out how to manage it. You gotta pull yourself back from it, stop doing it. Here's some more. Lying, cheating, having affairs, nitpicking. Get the point? She raised her hand. I like this new one, ankle biting. That's what emotional sobriety isn't. If you wanna leave, now would be the time. Okay, step one. Step one is the uncovering stage of the problem, I believe. And a good friend of mine used to say, if you want relief, take Rolaids. You want freedom, take the steps. I think my friend is gonna be here in a minute. My first four years of sobriety, I just looked at the steps. I didn't really work them, although I thought I did. I didn't have this thing called freedom. So in the 12 and 12, there's a question that says, why all this insistence that every AA must hit bottom first? Anyone wanna take a stab at it? Because few will practice, right? The remaining steps that it takes to recover from ourselves. Let's talk about surrender. I don't know if you can see in the back, but just know that, come on up later on, after the workshop. Come on up and take a look at my dining room here. Surrender, the definition's right here. To give oneself up to the tested principles and actions of the 12-step program of recovery and the AA way of life. Think about that, to give oneself up to the tested principles and actions of the 12-step program of recovery and the AA way of life. You're not gonna find that definition in Webster's dictionary, my friends. The AA definition. Okay, Vanna White, come on up. I'm gonna show you what surrender looks like. Yep, we're doing it again. All right. I got a nice tight grip here. Here's what surrender looks like. Are my hands moving? My hands aren't moving, are they? Am I leaking? Am I leaking? I'm leaking. You betcha I'm leaking. I'm leaking. Surrender is mercurial. Surrender is mercurial. Mercurial, isn't it? Thanks. Surrender is mercurial. You're gonna leak. You know, I've experienced fully surrendering, being completely carried by the third step. Three hours later, something happens. Yep, you identify with that. Just because you have time in Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't mean you've surrendered. I think that was one of my most painful. I think that was one of my most painful discoveries. I thought time meant you. That you were, you had it going on. You know, I was married to a man who had less time than me. Hmm, big problem. Because I thought I was better than him right off the bat. How can you be emotionally calm? I have more time than you. What's wrong with you? You know, surrender is an attitude. It's a way of life. Surrender is a way of life in Alcoholics Anonymous. That's the goal. We're gonna be able to plug up our alcoholics. We're gonna be able to do it. We're gonna be able to do it. We're gonna plug our plug into that fact that by Sunday afternoon, surrender is a way of life. If you don't know what's wrong with you, you won't be able to surrender. And my job here tonight is to paint a pretty clear picture of what's wrong with you. Through my own experience, of course. Okay, so let's talk about the problem. I need my big book. In the forward to the first edition, let me catch myself up to my notes here. See, the big book is already telling us what the problem is. Let me catch up to you guys. 10, 13. What do I got? I got Roman numeral 10, 13. Not gonna be able to find it. Okay. It says, we have Alcoholics Anonymous, and more than 100, oh, it's in the forward. That's why I can't find it. Okay, let me catch myself up here, guys. Sorry. We have Alcoholics Anonymous, and more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. So how many people wrote this book? 100. Okay. And they are recovering from a seemingly hopeless condition of what? Mind and body. Okay. To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. This is the book that taught me how to stay sober and be happy, joyous, and free. Okay. And I like to follow it because it works for me. Makes sense to me. You know, when I got to AA, I was listening to the loudest voice in the room. You know, oh, my disease is doing pushups in the parking lot. You know, share your pain. Cut it, you know, if you share your pain, you cut it in half. Okay. Really? You know, none of that's in my big book. You know, I started looking out the window for a disease after I understood what this, you know, the disease doing pushups after I understood what they were talking about in this book. Okay. So we're trying to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Okay. And that's what we're going to study tonight. We're going to study those two ideas about that. Okay. Then it goes on to say to show other alcoholics precisely how we recovered is the main purpose of this book. Specifically and exactly with clear cut directions how to recover from alcoholism. Anybody interested in that? Yeah, great. Me too. Okay. Remember, over 100 people authorized the process, which can't be scoffed at, can it? Anyone here try to change this book? Yeah. Okay. You know, so don't forget, you know, this book was reprinted four times since 1939. And I have come to find out that the only change they've ever made in it in the second edition was when Silkworth's book was reprinted. And I think that's a great thing. The second edition was when Silkworth signed his name to the letter. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yeah. Because I think the first time around he didn't want to have his name attached to this theory he had, this opinion he had, this idea he had about the allergy thing. Because he didn't want to get scoffed at or laughed at from the fellow doctors in his profession. Think about that. And four printings later they haven't changed the doctor's opinion at all. Isn't that great? Good thing. Because we probably wouldn't even need to do AA if there was some pill we could take to stop the ism and the allergy. But they haven't finished the book. Okay. I haven't found so yet. So I'm going to keep working on this book. Okay. Just because I go to AA meetings doesn't mean I know what's wrong with me. That is a fact. That's been my experience. Okay. Therefore, we have never found it necessary to change anything in the big book. Okay. And that's really a miracle if you think about it. We've never had to change anything. Okay. See, all of us have rewritten it in our minds. So when you apply the program of action in the book, you no longer live that hopeless state of mind and body. Are you guys with me? Okay. Okay. Now, because of the big book, the fellowship began to grow. And they began to experience the power of the fellowship. So Bill writes the book and people across the country are interested in it. I guess they hear that there's people recovering from this thing. For instance, Bill ships a bunch of books to California, let's say. So a few people get together in their living room and they're reading the book. And they decide, geez, you know, this four-step, I don't know. Do we have to write every single resentment? Maybe we should just do the top ten. Right? Is that what it says to do? Does it say to do top ten resentments in the four-step? So these well-meaning people decided to start to change some things. Okay. Probably pretty frustrating for Bill. You know, and then the treatment centers came along. And they changed things around, too, didn't they? And they changed things around, too, didn't they? Okay. Yes or no? Yes or no? Didn't they change some things around? Yeah, they started adding all kinds of stuff in there. I've never been to one. I can't say that I know exactly what goes on in treatment centers. But some of the girls that I work with are telling me all about what's wrong with their brain. Tell me about the allergy. What are you talking about, Sal? Really? They didn't talk to you about the big one? No. I thought, hmm, okay, we got work to do. Okay. And then they changed things, right? And of course they're well-meaning. Don't get me wrong, please. But all these different things started to come into our program. And then you come to a meeting and sometimes you don't even know what people are talking about anymore. Okay? So, and slowly the program and the fellowship began to change. And it didn't look like what the first 100 had experienced. And so when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I came in, my first meeting was, I believe it was 23. So that would be, 1983 I came into my first meeting. I had no idea what was going on. I just figured, well, I'm going to go to a meeting. I'm going to go to a meeting. I'm going to go to a meeting. I'm going to go to a meeting. I'm going to go to a meeting. And I remember that they went around the room. They snaked around the room and everyone said their name and their disease. And I knew it was coming to me. I knew it was coming to me. What do you think I said? Any people pleasers in the room? You got it. That's exactly right. I could barely get the words out. It got stuck right in my throat. They all clapped. And the women gave me their phone numbers after the meeting. I'm like, I'm not gay. Get away from me. I'm not going to do anything you say. And please don't call me. I had no idea. And even today, many meetings don't really resemble Alcoholics Anonymous. Sometimes the preamble is the only way I know what meeting I'm in. And who's got that experience? You know what I'm talking about? A lot of people don't talk about what's going on in the book anymore. I don't know what they talk about. It's not what they're talking about in the big book. So we're not going to be talking about the program in the fellowship of AA. We're not going to be talking about the program in the fellowship of AA. We're not going to be talking about the program in the fellowship of AA. We're not going to be talking about what goes on at coffee shops and therapy sessions. We're not going to be talking about what goes on in the book. We're going to be talking about what goes on in the book. We're going to talk about the program that's in the book. Which has absolutely never changed. I like to think it is myth information. I like to think it is myth information. So let's have a little fun. So here's some examples of what I'm talking about. Program in fellowship stuff. Program in fellowship stuff. My disease is outside doing push-ups. How about this one? My disease made me be inappropriate today. My disease made me be inappropriate today. Who here blames their behavior on their disease? Nobody? In reality? In reality? Who blames their behavior on their disease? We're going to be putting an end to that this weekend. How about this? I'm acting out an old behavior. I'm acting out an old behavior. Who acts out an old behavior? Nobody? If you're doing it, is it old? If you're doing it, is it old? How about this one? Don't drink no matter what. You hear that all the time, don't you? What does our big book tell us to do? For how long? 30 days, right? Doesn't it say, yeah, go out and try some controlled drinking or whatever it is for 30 days? Our book doesn't say don't drink no matter what. You guys starting to get the picture of what I'm talking about? You guys starting to get the picture of what I'm talking about? How about this? I'm powerless over people, places, and things. Who here thinks they're powerless over me? Who here thinks they're powerless over me? Good. Anyone can leave at any time. You're not powerless over me. You're not powerless over me. How about this? My thinking is the problem. We hear that all the time, every day, don't we? Your thinking's not the problem, trust me. It just seems like the problem because it's coming out your mouth. But that's not the problem. Here we go. 10% drinking, 90% thinking. We're going to fix all this this weekend. We're going to fix all this this weekend. We're going to find out what the book says about all this. Well, I have a disease. Here's a big one. How about this? No relationships in the first year. My big book says no one's an arbitrator of my sexual conduct. My big book says no one's an arbitrator of my sexual conduct. It doesn't say in the big book not to get into a relationship. It doesn't say in the big book not to get into a relationship. Think about that. Think about that. How about this one? Do one step a year. That's what they told me in Stanford, Connecticut when I came in in 1989. Just do one step a year, Sal. Take a year on the first step. And what I heard was, great, don't do anything. And guess what? I didn't. How about this one? Don't help any newcomers until you've done all 12 of those steps. What if Bill waited until he did the 12 steps that he hadn't even written yet to help anyone? How about this one? God brought me into AA. No he didn't. Your destructive drinking brought you into AA. Right at the end. I think the third step in the 12 and 12 it tells us that. Ok. Okay. Okay. Most people come in not knowing what an alcoholic is even after they've gone to treatment. Okay? What did you think alcoholism was when you came in? Anyone? Moral. Who said that? Moral issue. Me too. I thought I was a moral leper. Okay? That's not what alcoholism is. My thought was I was a weakling. Loser. Big L. Loser. How about immoral? Right? A degenerate. Ashamed. Embarrassed and scared. That's what I thought alcoholism was. Okay? I came in to get the heat off. I was engaged to two guys at the same time when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. Ladies, I don't recommend that. I thought I had to learn how to drink like a lady. You know? Okay. I didn't know what alcoholism was. I had no idea what it was. I didn't know what alcoholism was. I thought I'd just hang in there and I'll muscle my way through all this. I had to make a decision. I had to marry somebody. I didn't marry either of them. I'm going to leave this right here. Okay. See, I thought the loudest voice in the room knew the most. So I'm going to go for a little more. Let's see. Okay. I'm going to go for a little more. Let's see. Let's see. Okay. So I haven't been drinking this much. I don't know. I don't know what alcohol is. Okay. So your thoughts were? Okay. Okay. So the first thing is alcoholism. Okay. See, I thought the loudest voice in the room knew the most. Right? And because of that, I couldn't stay in Alcoholics Anonymous. I just didn't know what was wrong with me. Okay? I had no knowledge of my condition. I'm going to tell you something, guys. That was the turning point for me in my recovery when I met a man who just impressed me with understanding what was wrong with him. And he got a hold of me. He basically picked me up by the throat. Not literally, but emotionally. He picked me up by the throat and he shook me. Shook me. And he started to tell me, Sal, you have no idea. You have no knowledge of your condition. And the day came where I asked him for help. And he told me all about my condition. And rumor has it, I jumped in the air and socked him in the mouth. I couldn't take it anymore. And he was trying to tell me about my pride. And I was like, I don't have pride. He said, you have so much pride, you don't even know what it means. I jumped in the air and socked him in the mouth. He hurt my feelings. You know? And I had no understanding of what was really wrong with me. And my job tonight is to really help you guys understand what's really wrong with you. And it's not up in here in your head, it's down in here. Okay? See, I committed to AA and began to learn some things. Okay? Just went to meetings. I didn't go to fellowship or read the literature. And no sponsor either back in the beginning. You know, what for? What do we need a sponsor for? What are we going to talk about? You know? And what does she want from me? I got worse. I got suicidal. I got suicidal sober. That was a turning point for me. I got suicidal sober. I thought when you put the drink down, you should be getting better. I got worse. Who got worse when they stopped drinking? Ah, a lot of E over I's in the room. Emotions. That was me. And I didn't know what was, I didn't understand what was wrong with me. Okay? I thought, is this sobriety? Okay? I went to a place called High Watch. Kent, Connecticut. Amazing place. Somewhere it's in our literature. Somebody donated it to AA somehow. Yeah. And amazing place. Had my real first surrender up there. Yeah. Had my first real surrender up there. And my first real spiritual experience. It was awesome. Okay? And I haven't had it, found it necessary to drink since my experience up at High Watch. I've been back many times since for R&R. Just a great place to go and recover from yourself. So, you know, so seven years later, sober, seven years later, someone taught me how to read and understand the doctor's book. And I said, okay, I'm going to read it. And I said, okay, I'm going to read it. And it was in the doctor's opinion. I just, I thought it was boring. Who read the doctor's opinion and understood it the first ten times? What are they talking about? I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I couldn't stand the doctor's opinion. It made no sense to me. Okay? And only then did I find out that I really had this thing called a physical allergy coupled with an obsession of the mind. I didn't know any of this stuff. Okay? So, if you really don't understand what your problem is, it's going to help you to understand is you're not going to be able to find a solution. And that has been my experience. If you have your big book, open it up. We're going to do a little big book study. And open it up to the doctor's opinion. Where are my elder statesmen? Raise your hands again. Raise your hand. Over 20 years. Raise your hand again. I'm asking this to you guys. How many letters are in the doctor's opinion? How many? Four letters? How many letters are in the doctor's opinion? Two letters. Really short one. And then Bill elaborates, hey, Doc Silkworth, please tell us a little bit more about that first letter. We want some more information. And then Silkworth said, OK. And he wrote that the rest of the chapter is the second letter, which is where all that information is. So the doctor's opinion is two letters. So what ended up happening was in walks Dr. Silkworth into our studies. Silkworth lost everything in the stock market crash, including his job. And then he remade it. He met his friend, this guy, Charlie Towns, who he knew through his interest in alcoholics. And then he offered him a job, something like $30 a week with room and board at the hospital. And Silkworth began to work with these alcoholics. And these people would come in, and he would help them get the 30, 60, 90 days of sobriety. And he would bring these people back to somewhat reasonable health. But some of these people kept coming back in the door, revolving door. And they would drink, and then they'd get sober. And then they would drink and get sober. And back then, there was no AA. Picture that. Think in your mind's eye. Go back to your hometowns. If there was not an AA meeting to go to tomorrow, think about that. That's what it was like for them. They had nowhere to go. So actually, back then, what they did is they went to insane asylums. Did you know that? They did. Yeah, there was nowhere else to go, so they put them away. So these people would, some of us would come back in worse condition. OK? So. Yeah. So Silkworth, here he began to notice that there was something different about these repeat alcoholic people. OK? There's something different about their bodies, he started to determine. OK? Apparently, alcohol does something to them that it doesn't do to the normal person. And Silkworth was the first person who kind of pulled that together. And he actually was, I think Bill was one of the first people that Silkworth ever told that to. And Bill was able to run with that. So here's Silkworth's theory. When you put alcohol in your body, it produces an actual physical craving that makes it impossible for us to stop drinking. Who has experience with that? When you put, yeah, here you go. You put it in and you just can't stop. And Silkworth's trying to figure out why. What's going on with these people? OK? But that's not the real problem for the alcoholic. Silkworth said that the real problem is that the alcoholic cannot keep from drinking. Once he stops, he can't stay stopped. OK? So Silkworth's theory. He says, it seems as though the alcoholic, after they quit, the mind plays tricks on them and they begin to think about one or two drinks of how it makes them feel. Think about that. You kind of forget about what it does to you and how it destroys your life. But let's say you get separated from alcohol for a while. You start to feel better. But then after a while, you start to think about what one or two is going to do for you. That's what they're talking about with the problem that you're dealing with. And so Silkworth's theory is that alcohol, alcohol, alcohol, alcohol, alcohol, alcohol. It's a very powerful idea. It's not just about drinking. It's about overcoming the problems in the mind. OK? The idea is so powerful that it overcomes the idea that they can't stay away from it. They just can't quit. That's an incredibly powerful idea for us. Silkworth says, if you can't drink safely because of the body, and we're going to talk about the allergy. I'm going to explain what that means to you tonight. You can't drink safely because of the body. And if you can't keep from drinking because of your mind, then you are absolutely powerless over alcohol. Here we go. If you can't safely drink because of the body, and you can't quit because of what your mind's telling you, then you are absolutely powerless over alcohol. Do you get that? Yes or no? Yes. There you go. That's what Silkworth figured out. He's the first guy that figured that out. He kind of ran with it. And he runs into Bill Wilson on another tour back into Towns Hospital. And he reached Bill. Bill heard that. He gave him some information about his condition. OK? Silkworth said, here we go. OK. So history believes that Bill was the first person to ever act on that information that Silkworth gave him. I thought that was an amazing piece of information. OK? So then Bill goes on to say, so after the first letter, Bill goes on to say that he, right, he's a doctor. He's a doctor. He's a doctor. He's a doctor. He's a doctor. He's a doctor. He's a doctor. And so he writes this little section. It says this. In this statement, he confirms, meaning Silkworth, confirms what we who have suffered alcoholic torture must believe, that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. Who has never heard that before? Nobody. OK. It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life. OK. that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. So the important point here is that we must believe that our body is abnormal, as abnormal as our mind. It's the first time in written history that the body is affected as well as the mind. That's what Silkworth's claim to fame is. Because up until then, we were called weak-willed, weak-minded, losers, that kind of stuff, moral lepers. That's what was going on back then, or we were sinful people. Okay, so the mind and body is affected in an abnormal manner when it comes to alcohol. Okay, let me keep going on here, 1024. Okay, but it says, but we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, the picture of the alcoholic which leaves out that physical factor is incomplete. So if you guys are telling your story, if you're up there in the chair and you're telling your story to a group of drunks in the room, you need to talk about, even for a sentence or two, that there's something different about the alcohol that you're drinking. About your body. Even if it's just something simple, like when I took a drink, I couldn't stop. Let me tell you something, guys. You know, normal drinkers can stop. Can't they? But if there's something wrong with you, and you take a drink and you can't stop drinking, you qualify for alcoholics and honest. That's what you need to tell in your story. That would be enough right there. Think about that. It would save you all the war stories. Throw in one just for interest, right? Okay? All right. So the doctor's theory that we have an allergy to alcohol interests us. Let's talk about the allergy. Now, I know you guys in the back row can't see this, okay? But feel free to come up at the break and take a look at what I got going on here. But put your ears on. I'll do my best to talk you through this. I'm going to explain this to you. I'm going to explain this to you. I'm going to explain what the abnormal body reaction to alcohol is compared to the normal reaction of alcohol. Yes, ma'am. Wardrobe malfunction. How's that? Better? Check, check. Thank you. Thank you very much. Actually. Okay. Here is Silkworth's explanation of the allergy. This is how alcohol is processed through the body. Okay. I take a drink. And when it hits my saliva, it breaks down into what it really is. And since I have this alcoholism, the enzymes, that I possess are insufficient in their quantity and quality. I cannot break down carbohydrates correctly from the get-go. Do you get that? I have a carbohydrate breaking down problem from the get-go. My enzymes are insufficient in quantity and quality to break down carbohydrates. So, hits my lips. That's what's already happening. So the alcohol breaks down again to acid dihaldehyde. That's a tough word to say. And dietetic acid. Okay. And then it breaks down again to the acetone level, which creates the craving. So what happens here is it doesn't break down again. The, the, the, the, what's the word I'm looking for? The, the, the enzymes, the, the carbohydrates don't break down. They build up. Acetone builds back up. And it's, it stays there. And then it sets off this physical craving for another drink. Hang in there with me because it'll make sense when I explain what the, what the normal drinker's body does. Okay. Here's what Silkworth figured out about our body. Okay. I don't break it down. It builds up. Acetones build. And it makes my body crave for another drink. Okay. Here's what happens to the normal drinker. My microphone go off? No, we're good. Okay. So the normal drinker takes a drink. Right? The normal drinker has enzymes of a sufficient quantity and quality right from the get-go. His, his breaking down switch isn't broken. So he swallows it. And it breaks down again to what it really is, the acid, the haldehyde and diatetic acid, which is boring, but that's what it does. And then the acetone level, the acetone level doesn't have any problems. Right? There's no craving formed because it breaks down again as it's supposed to. And instead of building up like my body does, the acetone breaks down into what it is, which is carbon dioxide, sugar, and water. And it gets assimilated into the body. Are you with me? Okay. Okay. So, okay. Okay. So, okay. Okay. So, okay. Okay. So, okay. Okay. So, okay. Okay. So, okay. Okay. So, okay. Okay. So, okay. So, okay. Are you with me? Yeah. That's the allergy, guys. That's the allergy. Okay? I have an allergy of the body. I do not process carbohydrates correctly. The acetones build up in me, and that, it's a physical craving for another drink. That's what separates me from the normal drinker. Can a heavy drinker, does the heavy drinker have the allergy? Ah, no. No. A heavy drinker doesn't necessarily have the allergy. What has to be present? What has to be present? Well, in the alcoholic body, I have to have that acetone breakdown problem, carbohydrate problem. Who here can't have one cookie? Same type thing. You understand? I don't break down carbohydrates normally. That's what Silkworth found out. This is all in layman's terms, guys, okay? This is how I understand it, okay? What else do I need to know? Does this make sense? Yeah. That's what Silkworth figured out. And that's what he told Bill Wilson when Bill came into the hospital. He said, pal, you got a problem in here. You just don't break down, you don't assimilate alcohol correctly. Now, Bill didn't necessarily stay sober because of that. He said, I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem. He did down the road when he put some other things together. Okay. Okay, let's keep going. Okay. Then it goes on to say. we believe and so suggest a manifestation of an allergy. Let me catch myself up to my notes here. I can't find it. Drawing a blank, guys. Ah, found it. Thank you for your patience. We believe and so suggest that a few years ago that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. The phenomenon of craving. What's a phenomenon? A mystery, something that shouldn't be happening. Okay? Give an example. Okay, let's say this bottle cap all by itself unscrewed itself. Right in front of us right here right now. And it landed on the floor. You'd all be like, wow, did you see that? It shouldn't happen, but it does. That's a phenomenon. Okay? Silkworth calls that a phenomenon of craving. What I just showed you on that chart, a normal-minded guy, non-alcoholic, his body's normal, finds us with our body problem. That's to be a phenomenon to me. He doesn't get it. Okay? So the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class. Which class? The alcoholic. And never occurs in the average temperate drinker. Okay? These allergic types can never what? Ding, ding, ding. Safely use alcohol. In any form at all. So we can never safely use alcohol. You know, I tell you, I sponsor a lot of people, and I always sit them down and bring them to the doctor's opinion first. Because if they don't understand there's something wrong with their body, I'm not doing my job. Okay? And after I talk to them about what's going on in here, I bring them to this page, and I show them the word safely. And I've come to find out that's the most magical word in this whole book. Who's contrary by nature? Okay? So, you know, I'm not saying that I'm not. I'm not saying that I'm not. I'm not saying that I'm not. I'm not saying that I'm not. I'm not saying that I'm not. I'm not saying that I'm not. I'm not saying that I'm not. I'm not saying that I'm not. If you tell me not to do something, I'm going to do it anyway. That's why this word is so magical. What if it said, these allergic types can never use alcohol in any form at all? Really? You watch me. Exactly. You understand? I love that someone pointed out to me that that's the most magical word in this book. Because it is. Excuse me, it really is. Okay? So if you guys sponsor people, let them know what the most magical word is. What is it again? Stately. Stately. All right. Okay. The allergy is the phenomenon of craving. Get that. The allergy is the phenomenon of craving. It's not supposed to happen, but it does for the alcoholic. Silkworth figured that out. Craving always equals the body. You would think craving would be what you're thinking about, but in this case, it's not. It's the body. It's the craving is always about the body. Who did not know that? Just me? Craving is about the body. Okay? We have to have it in us to crave another drink. You have to have booze in you to crave another drink. Okay? That's why we never got enough. See, the more you drink, the higher the craving. The higher the craving, the more you want. Sound familiar, guys? That's the allergy in the alcoholic body. Here's the kicker right here. Normal drinkers don't crave booze. Let me say that down here. Normal drinkers don't crave booze. Any questions? We're really talking about step one half, aren't we? We're really talking about step one half. We're powerless over alcohol. That's what it means. To be powerless over alcohol means that my body does not process it like the normal drinkers. And the other way I'm powerless is when I take a drink, I can't stop. And I don't know what's going to happen when I take a drink. Okay? We all have that experience, don't we? Okay. All right. 10, 20, 5, 6, 7, 8. Okay. Let's talk about the obsession. Okay. It has never been by any treatment... You good? It's a... Sorry, guys. Am I messing you up when I walk down up the aisle? Okay. It has never been by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is what? So the best the doctors can do is tell people, oh, we don't want you to drink, we want you to eat. is tell people like you and me when we go into the hospital for treatment to do what? Stop drinking. Who here has tried to stop drinking? How's that work? That's the best they can do. Think about that. How frustrating, huh? Okay. The doctor's solution is just don't drink anymore. Okay. But without a sufficient solution, the mind will from time to time tell me it's okay to take a drink. And then I forget what booze did to me. Okay. So the problem centers in my mind. That's what they're talking about with the obsession. The problem centers in my mind. What's the definition of an obsession? Say it again, a little louder. Yeah. Something I'm thinking about that's in the forefront of my mind. I always like the example, ever fall in love? You ever send a text message to somebody and you hit the send button and you don't hear back? You can't stop thinking about why they didn't send anything back. You don't know what's going on. That's obsession. One thing that's really important to know about obsession is it's conscious. You know you're doing it. It's not back here, guys. Obsession is right here. Okay. An obsession is an idea that overcomes all other ideas to the contrary. Okay. The obsession to drink will overcome all ideas not to. Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. All right. Silkworth says, this is one of my favorite parts in the doctor's opinion. I must have switched books in that airplane. I can't seem to find anything. All right. Here we go. Okay. Silkworth goes on to say this. He goes, men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive, clever, hard to define or grasp that while they admit it's injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. So I've gotten myself into a state of drinking where my weird, twisted up life is normal and true for me. I can't see that I'm causing myself problems. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. Okay. They are restless, irritable, and discontent. Okay. So. So. My abnormal life becomes normal to me. Anyone else? Anyone tell you have a problem drinking and you're just like, no, you don't understand. Okay. Okay. I try to stop, but I can't. And here's the key. Silkworth says we are restless, irritable, and discontent. And here's the key. We are restless, irritable, and discontented. Unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort that comes how quick? At once. Right? By taking a few drinks. So when I stop, I can't stay stopped because of my mind. Okay. Silkworth says this is repeated over and over and over unless this person can experience a what? Entire life experience. Entire. Entire psychic change. So now you've got some doctor who knows that there's a medical problem with me. And he also knows that there's something wrong with my mind because knowing what I've been through to get to the hospital and I continue to drink. Right? He's starting to say, well, there's, there's, there's, these people need something else. And he says they need an entire psychic change. An entire psychic change. If you notice in the book, that's not capitalized. Silkworth doesn't capitalize it. What does it mean when there's a word capitalized in the middle of the sentence if it's not like a town? Or a state? Or a name? Say again? It's important. It's important. But it's also going to be a God type thing, right? If you see the word spirit with a capital S. Right? Okay. What's that? Okay. Okay. So there's very little help, very little hope of his recovery if this psychic change doesn't happen. Okay. Okay. So the change is going to have to be in the mind. So that booze. Booze doesn't go into the body. Think about that. Without the psychic change, we're going to drink again. Okay. Booze triggers the allergy and restarts the cycle. I have another chart to show you. And when the, when the cycle is restarted, I'm rendered powerless. Okay. Here's the medical view. Of the allergy of the body and the obsession of the mind. And you guys can, after the class, you can take a look at these charts. It'll make a little more sense to you from their close up. Okay. So I take a drink. I swallow it. You know what the allergy looks like now, right? We just went over it on the other chart. So the allergy is now activated. Okay. What happens is the phenomenon of craving is, is active. And then I initiate the craving in my mind. Okay. Now. That craving in my mind. Is an unconscious demand. That's stirred up by the mind to recall the effect produced by alcohol. Okay. When I take it in me, the allergies activated in my mind for me, for me, I got tall, blonde and beautiful with big boobs. Okay. What's so funny. That's how I understand that. Okay. There's this unconscious demand stirred up in the back of my mind. That booze works for me. It makes me feel different. It makes me feel better. I can do anything. And that's an unconscious thing. It's not up here. I know I'm not an airplane pilot. I know I'm not blonde and tall and beautiful and buxom and all that. But in the back of my mind, I am. Okay. It's unconscious. Okay. So the obsession kicks in. Okay. And then what happens is I initiate the phenomenon of craving in my body. Okay. And then I need another drink. Here's the cycle. Okay. Now what happens is it spins. It spins. It spins. It spins me over here. And that's called the alcoholism's vicious cycle, which throws me into a state of seeming normalcy. I love that term. When I take a drink, I feel normal. Okay. Seeming normalcy. And the truth with that, and Silkworth hit it on the head. Silkworth hit it on the head that it's just an illusion. It's just an illusion. Are you guys with me? Yes. Okay. Okay. And this illusion alters my perception of reality. And I would think yours too. Okay. And my drinking life becomes the only normal one for me. Okay. This is the vicious cycle that I deal with. And what happens is, I'm going to move over here, is what happens is it wears off. The night's over. I go to sleep. I get up the next day. I go to work. Whatever I do in my life. And I'm not drinking right away, let's say. So this sensation that I was getting from the drinking wears off. And especially when I stop for a little while. Because I wasn't in a state of, you know, I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking. You know, this sensation that I was getting from the drinking wears off. And especially when I stop for a little while. Because I wasn't a daily drinker for a long time. I had a bodybuilding career that was working for me. And if it was a training day for me, I wasn't going to be drinking, because I had coaches to report to. I had contests to win. I had things to do. You know, I had a life, don't you know? And, you know, so I wasn't able to drink every day. So, that's another reason I didn't think I had a problem, by the way. I always thought it was the guys in the, you know, the no teeth in the bottles and the trench coats in the alleyways. I thought that was alcoholism. I didn't know I had had it. But what happens is now this sense of normalcy wears off for me. Okay? And then the craving in my mind kicks in to recall the effect that I get. I like being tall, blonde, and beautiful in your eyes. Okay? So, what happens is it wears off. And it causes this curious need to feel it. And then what happens is I have to take a drink to pick me up. Okay? And when I take a drink, I got that pick me up feeling. But alcohol is a depressant, isn't it? Right? We know the definition of alcohol is a limpid liquid with intoxicating features. Alcohol is supposed to knock me out. But when I take a drink, what does it do? Picks me up. Think about that. Okay? And that's an unusual effect produced by alcohol, ladies and gentlemen. Okay? That's an unusual effect produced by alcohol. Now, I tell you, when this wearing off thing happens, what happens to me is I suddenly don't belong. I don't fit in in the world the way I want to. Right? What else happens? I tell myself I'm not good enough. Okay? I like this one. Separate, different, and alone. Separate, different, and alone. I feel sad. Separate, different, and alone. Right? I don't feel worthy. I don't feel worthy. I don't feel worthy. I don't feel worthy. I don't feel worthy. I don't feel worthy anymore. When I take a drink, all these things change for me. How about this one? You don't understand. But you don't understand. My case is different. These are these feelings that come back on me when my alcohol wears off. Then I have to take a drink. I have to take a drink to feel better. And I'm here to tell you that this is an unusual effect produced by alcohol. Who identifies with that? Welcome. And I'm sorry it's come to this. That's step one half, guys. That's what it means to be powerless over alcohol. And they believe that Silkworth was the first doctor that kind of figured this out. Alcohol was a power source. And for anyone else, alcohol, power source? King alcohol. But I put it down. Why aren't I okay? Why aren't I okay? Because Silkworth said I need a what? Psychic change. Is there a psychic change in step one? Is there any power in step one? Is there any power in drinking? Just water. So there's no power in step one, is there? Here's a visual I like to do. It screws up everybody. Powerful. Powerless. Do it again. I pick up the bottle. It takes calories and energy to pick up a bottle. It's very powerful. I'm a powerful person. isn't it powerful glug glug glug now I'm powerless I saw a hand up real quick oh okay okay thank you powerful powerless but when I take a drink I'm powerless over what it's gonna do to me because I had this thing called the what I thought it was a disease get my point of an allergy okay and it's unusual effect produced by alcohol it's a phenomenon of craving happens only in the abnormal drinker not the normal drinker not the not the average temperate drinker do you understand Silkworth figured this out and he shared it with this guy named Bill Wilson and Bill took that information he didn't use it right away but he started in his brain and now he had some understanding he had a little more knowledge of his condition here where I'm going with that I'm trying to give you some knowledge of your condition who did not know anything about what I just talked about today okay raise your hand let me see who you are okay is that news for you is it help you to understand you have an allergy see what I went when when when my mentor got a hold of me years ago in Los Angeles California and I was like here you help me you know and he said yeah I'll help you you know and he got out when he got out the big book he talked to me about not having knowledge of my condition you know do you understand you have an allergy like no see I thought I had a moral issue I'm nine years sober and I'm just finding out that I have a I have a problem with my body okay I'm going to tell a quick story about about how I finally surrendered and joined Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm doing this for a man I admire very much you know I lived in LA and and I was at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous at 26 and Broadway and there they have a podium and and and the speaker talks from a podium they always have a bottle of water for whoever's the speaker that day and there's no podium here I can't put it down I'll put it here though and this gentleman Wayne B is his name actually I just get it out of my head I'm not going to say his name but I'm going to tell you about him. I'm going to tell you about him. I'm going to tell you about him. I'm going to tell you about him. I'm going to tell you about him. Wayne B got up there and he was telling his story and I'll never forget he was talking about a time where he got up in the morning and knew he was going to be going to the bar that night and all of a sudden he felt different about his day and I'm sitting in the audience I know what that means and he really somewhat painfully went through the events of the day of how as the clock ticked closer to five o'clock he felt better and the day came where the hour came where he actually put the I never forget it. But the hand his hand on the doorknob turned it like this and the end of my chair you know and how he just opened up the door he went in and described the bartender put the two long neck bottles of bud and tap tap and foams out the top. Hmm. I was a beer drinker and you know and he went up and he got he got his he got his glass of beer and held the water. He held the water up just like this and he put it to his chest. I don't want to make the microphone go crazy. But he put the beer to his chest. And he said, I felt better. And he says, ladies and gentlemen, that's an unusual effect produced by alcohol. That was the day I joined Alcoholics Anonymous at my innermost self. That's what the big book was talking about. See, I didn't know that I hadn't really surrendered at that level. Because I felt better just thinking about drinking. For me, that's how I understand alcoholism. I didn't know I had an allergy of the body. Are you with me? Yeah. I joined AA that day. 26 and Broadway. I know exactly where I was sitting. My life changed that day. And I asked that man for help and never forget it. So, Sal, did you bring your big book to the meeting? No. Why not? Well, why? Mistake number one. We sat in the corner by the window. And he gets out the big book. And he opens it up to this chapter called How It Works. He sat me down. And he says, so. He pointed to this line. And he said, so, there is one who has all power. So, if there's one who has all power, how much does that leave for you? None. Stomach starts twirling. Then he goes to another part in How It Works. And he says to me, some of us tried to hold on to our old ideas. Sal. And the result was Bill. Until we let go a little bit. No, it's absolutely. Exactly. You haven't let go of your old ideas. Absolutely. You hold on to your petty this and petty that. He sponsored my husband, so he knew me pretty well. You know what I mean? And he told me about myself. Yeah. It wasn't pretty. And my journey began. Grateful for that day. That's the day I joined Alcoholics On. I was nine years sober. See, I thought because I had time under my belt that I was okay. And just because I went to meetings and raised my hand and talked to people and newcomers and did commitments here and there, I thought that I understood alcoholism. Are you with me? That's what I'm talking about. I didn't know what was going on in here. I didn't know about my allergy. I didn't know that I had an obsession of the mind that told me it was okay to drink even though it was killing me. And I didn't recover from this hopeless state of mind and body. I'm going to meetings listening to people talk because they're loud in the room and I'm thinking about this disease that's doing pushups and I'm listening to people gossip about other people and I'm listening to people cheating on their spouses and I'm thinking, what's going on here? I don't understand anything. What's this stuff? What is going on? I didn't understand. So when I hooked up with someone who really did, it changed my world. Okay. I'm very passionate about what I do. So I 주는 up attendants and什麼iu. So maybe a workshop, what am I doing now? Like somebody's cahng her mind. I'm nothing without it. I'm talking about my useless joining. Man in Whitenecks. Selfie. Social. Seven? No, more than that, right? Well, 164 pages are. I'll go that way. Just saved my butt. So I got one chapter that's medical. The rest of the book, not including the stories, is the spiritual solution. Eleven chapters. Thank you. Do you get that? Okay. And of course, quick review. The only relief we have to suggest according to the doctors is what? Tire abstinence. Just stop. How does that work? Okay. If stopping drinking is my solution according to the doctors, then why aren't I okay? Anyone want to take a shot at that? Besides Sean? I know these guys know the answer to that. Okay. So if alcohol is my problem, then quitting should fix it. Right? Okay. Silkworth alluded to this problem, and he alluded to the confusion we had when he says this. He says this. I love this. Something strange happens when they quit. They become obsessive, irrational, and unmanageable. Right in the doctor's opinion. To the point where everything worthwhile in life escapes them. I never knew that was in there before. Okay. See, most AA's don't really know what's wrong with them. They think the problem is about alcohol. But you see, alcohol is but a symptom of an underlying problem, isn't it? Okay. They don't know and they can't ask. You know what I mean? You can't ask in a meeting about that, you want to look good. I can't let them know that I don't know. So these people come to AA meetings and they suffer quietly. Okay. They die spiritually inside. Okay. Okay. And they're not going to go around them. And we like to call them the benighted ones. I'm not going to go near that speaker because it's going to buzz. But if I could, I would get that chair right there. And I would put it right here in the center of the room. And yeah, go for it. That works. This is what it looks like when you don't drink and go to meetings. Don't drink and go to meetings. That's what it looks like. Thank you. And I'm going to ask you one more question and then we can come back to this question. I think we have a couple of questions. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to ask you a question. We have to find a way to live where we don't need booze to feel better. That's recovery. We have to find a way to live where we don't need booze to feel better. If you're living a life today where you don't need this stuff to feel better, you're in recovery. Isn't that great? Yeah. recovery I don't need booze to feel better Silkworth goes on to say suddenly he finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol the only effect effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules here they are remember a a wasn't invented yet Silkworth didn't know so first didn't know what these they call rules is there any rules in a a but here's the I found the original six steps check them out admit that we couldn't that he couldn't manage his own life was step one step two get honest with himself as never before step three make a confession of his character defects imagine your third step being your fourth step okay how about this try to sweep away your life and make a confession of your character defects make a confession of your character defects the way the debris of the past and men broken relationships with others that would be step five and then this last one accomplished these things by asking God for his help so Silkworth knew about these okay that's what he's referring to these are the few simple rules that Silkworth was referring to I'll put them up there well you know what else I found this was cool too I found this recently when dr. Bob started working with alcoholics in Ohio up there well you know what else I found this was cool too instead of saying VAT the truckло we talked about that but from the start for where I do want to be don't care from the beginning you know twelve steps weren't written yet they had so stuff on the Oxford group for sure but this is what this is what so a nice aware sorry this is what dr. Bob did when he was in Ohio when you worked with these people step 1 it admit complete deflation deflation 2cri英文 2 needs also hold on to the words for Indianapolis tickets and continues into next time mind continued to work with other alcoholics. That's like prehistoric steps kind of stuff. I love that, I found that information this past year. I thought it was really awesome. But anyway, so back to the point. These are the original six steps that Silkworth knew about. Maybe those are the ones that Bill did up in the room, I don't know. Does anyone know the answer to that? Those were the original six steps that Bill took the first night he was, he got sober when he had his white light experience in the room. I don't know, it seems to fit into history. So I just wanted to share with you guys what Silkworth was talking about, those few simple rules. I love AA history. Who are my history buffs? Anyone love AA history? Raise your hand, let me see who knows a little bit about AA history. I couldn't give a damn about the history until about eight years ago. Now I can't get enough of it. Okay, so quitting is only the first part of my problem. My emotions and my inability to manage them is the second part of my problem. Okay. Silkworth says I have an illness of the mind and body and emotions. Okay, I like to see it as this. Here's my bottle. Here's a great, here's my little toys. Can't find my toys. Not gonna be able to find it. I'll use this one. Okay, sorry guys. Alcohol, am I drinking anymore? No. What am I left with? You understand? Alcohol? What am I left with? Great. So what do you think we're gonna talk about? We're gonna give you a new definition for I, myself, and me. Okay, hang in there with me. Okay. So I have this thing called alcoholism. Okay. I put down the drink and then you've arrested the what? Thank you. Now you're dealing with what's left and that's my underlying emotional problems. Remember, I told you I put the drink down, I wanted to kill myself. What? I'm supposed to feel better when I stop drinking. I felt worse. I didn't understand that. See, my problem is I don't know I have an underlying what? Problem. Problem. Problem. Problem. My problem is I don't know I have an underlying problem. Okay. This is what our work, workshop addresses through the 12 step process. What is my underlying problem? Cuz when you find out what your problem really is, you're gonna start to want a solution for it. You might start to pause when agitated or doubtful and start to take a look at what's really going on with you and how you're behaving in your life. And then learn how to plug these, the 12 step process into your life down here on Earth, not your spiritual one that you talk about and think about all the time and write about. But actually, you. But actually use that in your life today. Okay? And because of my emotional problems, my life is unmanageable. Sober. Cuz of those emotional problems left untreated, my life is unmanageable, sober. Okay? My life is for sure was, was unmanageable when I was drinking. But it makes, it doesn't make any sense to me why my life's unmanageable, sober. You understand what I'm talking about? That's where we're going. Okay. So, I'm going to talk about. I'm going to talk about. I'm going to talk about. I'm going to talk about. Okay. So our lives had become what? Unmanageable. Okay, that's what we're talking about now. Okay? What does unmanageability mean? I have an, this big book dictionary. I know they have them in the back. This is a great piece of literature right here. I'm going to read you what unmanageable according to the big book definitions of unmanageable. It's a great definition. Okay, check it out. Unmanageability according to this big book dictionary. Not able to find ways to get along in a desired manner. Not being able to influence, control, or predict the nature or behavior of one's actions or lifestyle. Check this out. Note. Unmanageable does not mean that one cannot make decisions. That's worth repeating. Unmanageable does not mean that one cannot make decisions. Thank God, huh? Okay. I have this underlying problem that can only be solved with a spiritual solution. According to this book. Okay. So I'm going to read you this. I'm going to read you this. I'm going to read you this. According to Silkworth, right? Okay. Remember, doctors can only offer the solution of abstinence. Quit drinking, Sally! Okay. But we already know that's not working for me. Okay. What are some of your emotional problems, underlying emotional problems? Anyone want to take this? Ah, there's a good one. Sensitivity. Sensitivity. Okay. How about the belief that things that go on in your life that are painful to you are not your fault? A little stickery going on there. How about being insatiable? That's a good one. Okay. What are some of your emotional problems? What are some of your emotional problems? I'm going to read this one. I'm going to read this one. What are some of your emotional problems? A little stickery going on there. How about being insatiable? Do I look fat? Really? I don't? Do you love me? Yes, Sally, I love you. You sure? Insatiable. Insatiable. Okay? Being overly sensitive, easily hurt. How about you walk into a room and you all of a sudden think people are thinking about you. about you. Understand? There's something wrong with that. How about being critical of others? Yeah. We're supposed to be loving and forgiving, but yet we're critical constantly of each other. How about the whole not fitting in, not belonging to, being apart from, separate, different, and alone from before? How about the you don't understand thing? How many people think you're different? Even in AA, right? Who are these people? Remember, we're still sober here, right? And that whole feeling still of not being worthy. Even though I might have a college education or a damn good exercise instruction business, and I got people that come to my house and do what we do here, and I got people that call me and ask for my direction and advice at times, and even my opinion once in a while. But yet underneath it all, on a bad day, I don't... I still don't feel worthy. Understand? That's what we're here to try to fix. We're here to fix it through plugging into the real power. You with me? You guys with me? That's where we're going. Okay? So let's talk about this ism thing. And I heard someone say, I sponsor myself, right? What was another one? Is there any more cute ones out there? I serve myself. Oh, I serve myself. There's a good one. I self me. I self and me. Okay? Well, I serve myself. I serve myself. I serve myself. I serve myself. I serve myself. I serve myself. Okay. That was a good one. And here's someone that I'm gathered here, here are another five days' worth of things that I value. Here are the five things that I bottomed up and then I publication. And you going to listen to this will help me in order to... I think I'll probably talking more about my ISM than go ahead and do this thing, because it's so exciting. Is lives. Yeah, so, okay. Have you read the last book? Scri Shi? Yeah. That's done. Scri Shi? I'm not that great at reading books, and not so good at writing books and nice books in these people have something else to make them, help them stop drinking. And a maladjustment. I'm maladjusted to life. Maladjustment. Or malady. So what's wrong with me is really in here. It's not in my thinking, guys. I like to see it this way. I have a soul. I have a soul sickness. And I have a mind's eye. And my mind's eye is attached where? To my soul. So if there's something not good going on in here, it's going to send signals up to here. And I'm going to say something about it. And you're going to think it's my thinking that's the problem. Because it's attached to my mouth. It's coming out my head. Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry? I'm not tracking with you right now on that. Right. That's a problem. It's been a while. Okay. It's a little. I'm not tracking. I hear what you're saying. But for now, just know it is an internal spiritual maladjustment. If I have this thing in here that's unhealed, I'm going to not react very well. Okay. We're going to be taking a break. And when we take a break, we'll come back. And we're really going to dive into the emotional problems with alcoholism. Okay. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.