Growing Down to Assume Your Rightful Place as a Child of Higher Power – Tom B.

First conference back in November and they asked me where the hen was. That's what I call my wife, the old hen. You gotta know she calls me the turkey. I haven't had a drink since July 20th of 1955, and that is strong evidence of God's grace. Some of us have ever thought about grace. Grace is that powerful force that originates outside of our consciousness which works constantly for our good. and I've begun to be a watcher for things that happen in my life every day for my good that I don't have anything to do with you know and the great spiritual teachers of all time have told us we should watch we even belong to a program that speaks of being awake I invite you to watch it's quite an experience this is an exciting place that we exist in and God knows almost nothing I want you to know too I'm not from Greensboro, North Carolina. I'm from Dobson, North Carolina, which happens to be, in case you didn't know, the cultural capital of the universe. We have a beautiful courthouse and the big cultural event of the year takes place along Mountain July. We begin today with the Dobsons Philharmonic Orchestra which consists of a harmonica player and a banjo player and then we have the annual track referral. That's the big cultural event of the street. And we love it up there. Everybody's happy, it's quiet, the farming community, the beautiful place, and the trivials of the Blue Ridge Mountains. And I love it. Now, I have before me here a blue book. Here is Alcoholics Anonymous. Ain't that something? I wonder why they put it here. And you know, within that book there's a prescription for recovery from alcoholism that is unparalleled in the history of mankind. The Guaranteed System of Recovery, it's a tool kit, this book is. And all we have to do if we want to be sober people is open up the kit of spiritual tools and pull out the tools and don't do like so many of us do, as I'll tell you later, and try to use those tools according to your own directions. They also give directions in the tool kit. And there's a place in this book that says Rarely have we seen a person fail Who has thoroughly followed our path It's a guaranteed program of recovery Life Hope Happiness And the book says in another place One of my favorite lines Something about the God that I understand That I'll talk something about tonight It says we are sure That God wants us to be happy And joyous And free and it says somewhere else in this book that our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and those about us how many of us if we had known that when we got here would have stayed and it's through this program that I'm coming upon the meaning of my life and it' s only through this program that I've come upon the meaning of me and it is quite simple I'm here to learn and to love and to serve So, three things And it is a gag I'm having a ball Now, I'm a Baptist as well as an alcoholic I gotta warn you about that Okay? I used to say rather facetiously That I suffered from two incurable diseases Baptism and alcoholism And by the grace of God I was recovering from both So I may preach to you a little bit tonight And I'm making no apologies for it I've come to the point where I'm alive like old Popeye I am what I am, and that's all that I am. And that's a good place to be. Because that means no phony. No bullshit. Just be Tom. And I kind of like Tom now. And I used to hate him. And that quite changed. But I've got to tell you a Jesus story at the end of this, okay? St. Jesus came back to earth, and he had a longing to see his earthly father. And he's walking down the streets, and He sees this little man, and this little man's obviously looking for somebody too. And he said, tell me, who you looking for? He said, I'm looking for my father. He said he wasn't my real father. He's kind of like my earthly father, but he took care of me while I was down here. And the little man said, that's funny. He said I'm working for my son. He said it wasn't exactly my son, he was more like my earthly son, and I took care of him for a while. And Jesus looked at the man and he said well, he was a carpenter. And the little men says, I am a carpenters too. And Jesus getting more excited and said, well, his name was Joseph. And the little man said, my name is Joseph. And Jesus reached out for him and said Father! And the Little Man reached out and said Pinocchio! Another one, it seems Jesus was walking down the street one day and he saw this mob, you know He ran up there to see what was going on and they were all gathered around this poor guy and they had him tied to a post in the middle of a circle and they was getting ready to stone him. And Jesus ran in there and said, Stop! Let anyone who's without sin cast the first stone. And this sweet-looking little old lady came through there and picked up a big rock and hit that sucker side of the head. And Jesus said, Mama, what'd you do that for? I'm not going to talk to you much about drinking tonight. It's come to the point in my sobriety where I think that drinking is really a symptom of alcoholism. Maybe one of the smallest symptoms of alcohol is. And I think if we spend too much time talking about drinking, and I think a lot of alcoholics don't get sober because they can't match drinking patterns with some of them. You know, we're all different. We're individual. We are unique. Every one of them. And yet we're the same. I can go down to your local skid row and it wouldn't take me long to find it. I had a propensity for finding places like that. And I can lift a man's head up out of the gutter, you know, and ask him certain questions about his feelings and his attitudes and his thoughts and his inside self. And I could go out to the biggest mansion in this town and an alcoholic housewife sitting in there And ask her the same question. And guess what? If she's an alcoholic, she'll give the same answer. Alcoholism to me has very little to do with age and sex and race and creed and religion and social standing, the amount of money you have, how much education you have. Alcoholism is alcoholism like a rose is a rose. And no matter how different we are on the outside, inside, our alcoholism is the same. Mine is yours and yours is mine. That's the reason one simple 12-step program works for all of us. That's why the book says that we're people who normally would not mix. But we have a common problem to which we found a common solution, and one of the biggest lies I've told myself for so many years. I'm this. I'm not like that. I'd hear a speaker, and I'd pick out the things that I hadn't done, And then I could say, well, I haven't done those things. Therefore, I'm not an alcoholic. So I'm going to talk about my feelings, folks, and my inside. What people call character. That set of inside traits that make me what I am that cause all my behavior, including my drinking. Character. A combination of values and beliefs and feelings and perceptions. I'm gonna talk about myself. I'm taking you on a trip inside of me And I'm going to talk about my life and my death and my rebirth and my regeneration. Because that's what this program is all about. You see, I died. I died July 20th, 1965. And whatever your sobriety date is, the old self that was in you began to die that day too. and it's like one philosopher said my friends all through life we must continue to learn how to live but what may surprise you is that all through life we also have to continue to learn how to die I have found in this program there are bottoms beyond bottoms and surrenders beyond surrenders and every one of them opens up a new door to something more fascinating to something more real and yes painful many times and I've found too that without pain, I just don't grow much. I'm a hard-headed alcoholic. When I hurt, I move. And when I have deadlines to meet, I meet them. I'm going to talk to you about those things. And please forget who you are for a while and think about what you are. Try to identify with what I'm talking about in terms of feeling and had a season. Quit telling yourself because you're 18 years old or 23 years old or 30 years old, you're different. Like a friend of mine in North Carolina said, if you waddle like a duck and you crack like a dot, you're a duck. Now let's get into it. I'm an idealist. I was born into this world knowing how this world ought to be. nobody had to teach me that I knew how the world ought to be and I knew how the other people ended up to be and I know I knew how I ought to be and I looked at the world and it wasn't and I looked at you and you weren't and I looked at me and I wasn't either I spent 30 years of my life trying so hard to be what I thought I ought to be I didn't have time to be I had images built for me from childhood days I was raised in a time when little boy were little men. They were even called little men and I was told Tommy, little men aren't afraid and little men don't cry and little women don't do bad things. I had some problems with that and when I feel fear and they say Tommy, are you afraid? I say no and when I was crying are you crying? No and did you do that? No I started lying shortly after I started talking that's what I'm getting at okay seemed like the thing to do. To live up to that image that I had for myself and that other people who were important to me had for me. That's what you do, I thought. And I'm a perfectionist. Not was, folks. Am. Always was, always will be. I'm one of those people who likes to have everything just right, just the way it's supposed to be at any given time. And I meet alcoholics who think they're not perfectionists. I could prove that you are. I could hang a picture on the wall over there crooked and time you alcoholics on my watch. And you'd have to go straighten up that picture. And then somebody would say, it's high on the left. Somebody would say no, it ain't, it is high on right. And then the Al-Anons would get into it. See? You gotta know I am a sometimes victim of Al-Anon brutality also. And the world wasn't what it ought to be And I knew that I mean, I knew it Not here, here And I wanted to make it first Everything I did in my life I did better and quicker Than anybody else had ever done it I had to have the spotlight Number one place Never number two Never number three Always headed for the top I was the teacher's pet I was a soloist in the choir I played the cornet solo Look at these lips They ain't cornet lips I was the one who borrowed a bass fiddle from the high school band director Practiced two weeks like it drove my mom and daddy crazy And when I was 17 years old, two weeks later I was playing with one of the best college dance bands in the state of North Carolina I'm talking perfection But there's a problem with that You see, we perfectionists In my own mind, if I wasn't the best I was automatically the worst See, there are two ends with perfection Like there are three ends with pride One end of pride is I love myself too much. The other end, and most of us suffer from this, we hate ourselves too much, but both are cried. And being the best or the worst, both perfected. And that's the way I was. And I'm a sensitive human being. Alcoholics are sensitive people. We got feelings, folks. I walked around with mine sticking out 50 yards in all directions. And God help you if you stepped on them Funny thing about me was If nobody stepped on him I'd go find somebody to hurt my feelings Seemed like I felt I deserved Getting my feelings hurt, you know I'd cry at the drop of a pen You know, I'd see a pretty flower Or picture or hear a piece of music And I'd try like a baby Break out in field bumps all over I couldn't stand praise And I couldn' stand criticism You praised me You didn't praise me enough If you criticized me, you had gone too far. Thank God I'm a romantic. I love the atmosphere, music. I've sold for a long time. Before I found out, atmosphere wasn't a damn thing, but a dirty place with very few lights in it. And I'm also one of those guys that has always believed That a tree just ain't the prettiest thing that God ever made I think women are And I love them I love beautiful women Attractive women Mediocre women Ugly women I have woke up with women who look like they've been dead a year But you know the night before In all that atmosphere She was one of God's lovely creatures And I'd wake up and have two reasons to puke And I was always dreaming Always dreaming Every drunk's got a piece of music Every one of us got a piece of music. Old sad blues, country and western. Going down to the river, gonna jump in the river and drown. Yeah. You ought to have heard mine. My piece of música was a thing by the four freshmen. Saddest damn song you ever heard. Called Their Hearts Were Full of Spring. You want to hear it? I'll give you a little bit of it. This is a drunk song par excellence. Okay, there's a story told of a very special boy and the girl who wore his ring. Through the wintry snows, their love remained still warm, for their hearts were full of strength. Ain't that pretty? But that ain't the worst part. The chorus was a killer. The chorus said, then one day they died, and their graves were side by side on a hill where robin string. And they say if I let it grow there the whole year round, well, their hearts were full of print. In God, I used to play that record, you know, before it got done, before they did good, I done started over again. I was nine years sober and I found that record. I pulled it out and started to listen to it. My wife liked to went into hysterics. Don't play it. Don't pay it. I've always dreamed, you know. Couldn't stand reality like it was. But I made my own. I'd sit around and wish. Any of y'all sit around and wish? Wish I had somebody else living somewhere else, doing something else with somebody else. Tremendous sense of dissatisfaction and emptiness inside of me. Never being satisfied with myself at all. And I'd get there and dream. why couldn't I be Sir Galahad have me a white horse and a lamp and a maiden put a hanky on it God that scared me and run out and kill them damn dragons why couldnít I go in a quest after the Holy Grail you know I forget they didnít even have indoor plumbing in them days and I know what Iíd have done when I seen a dragon And there's one time I found out Through research We're drunk for great researchers Through research That all the great gunfighters in the West Did not have black hats And black footsteps Did you know And y'all are from the West Most of the great killers in the west Were blondes with blue eyes Look at me. And I'd think, why couldn't that be John Wesley Harden? Well, he changed reality. He didn't like it. He blew it away. And I spent a lot of time dreaming in dreamland. My sexual fantasies I could write a four-volume book about. I ain't going to get into that. I heard a story a long time ago, Bill. Old Jacko told a story about dreaming. I've always loved it. He had two winos under a bridge and said they shook too. And he said, winos don't wake up, they shake too. And these two wino's shook too and one of them said to the other one, man, I had the best dream I ever had in my life last night. And he says, well, what did you dream? He said, I dreamed my mama called me home and gave me $25 and told me to go spend the whole day at Disneyland. land. He said, did he go? Did he? Had a good time. So I rode all the rides and saw all the dancing girls, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Goosey. Had a wonderful time. The other old drunk punched him and said, that ain't nothing. I had a better dream than that. He said, oh yes, there was your dream. He says, man, I dreamed I had me a luxury apartment, two cases of Jack Daniels. Said, come and knock on my door and it opens and the most beautiful blonde and redhead you ever saw in your life came through the door and started taking their clothes off. And the other old drunk was caught up in the story. He I said, where didn't you call me? He said, I did, but your mama said you was at Disneyland. Always dreaming. Always seeking approval from the outside. True. You know, when you hate your own gut, you do that or I should say you overdo that now I'm an idealist living in a non-ideal world a perfectionist living in imperfection a very sensitive human being a romantic and the world is not a dreamland and my overriding feeling from the time I was a little boy I can put a four letter word on please from my earliest memories I was afraid. I read a book by a psychologist once and he listed 206 different fears. You better believe I'd had them all. But there was fear number 207, what Bill Wilkins calls the fear of impending calamity, impending doom. And with me it went like this. Oh my God, I don't know what's going to happen to me and I don' t know who's going do it and where it's going happen and why or when, but something's going happened to me and it's going to be bad. The shrinks call that free-floating anxiety. Mine didn't float. I like what the teenagers call them. They say, man, look at him. He's wired. And I want you to know I had a lot to be afraid about, too. I was the ugliest baby you ever saw. My old mama told me that. She said, son, you're so ugly I didn't take you out of the house for six weeks. You was on earth. I didn'T want people to see you. And I told the psychiatrist about that once. He said, goodness, that must have been traumatic for you. I said, no, sir, I've seen my baby pictures. And I was ugly. And as I got to growing, things didn't get much better. See, I wanted to be manly. Wanted to be a macho man. And my daddy had some great old big macho brothers. And my mother had four of the biggest, meanest brothers you ever saw. And the biggest meanest one in the bunch was my Uncle Bud. He was macho and I wanted to be like Uncle Dud. Uncle Dud was a motorcycle cop in the days when they wore riding britches and them leather spats up to their knees. You remember? Some of you do and some of you won't admit it. And he had a harness across here with silver bullets in it and a pearl handle 38 on his hip. And he squeaked when he walked. He smelled like gunpowder and chafing lotion. God damn it, that's macho. And I wanted to be like him. You know what happened to me? When I was growing up, I grew this great chalk of snow white hair. Not blonde, not ghost, no white hair and you know what my macho uncle called me? Pudding head. You know, it's hard to be macho when people call you Puddin' Head. Even when I was 18, my nickname was Sweet Lip. And I didn't like that. And I was skinny. I was so skinny, when I turned sideways, I looked a lot like a tricycle ready to go. And I became aware that my mother hated me. And my old man, she did, because he made me wear knickers. And he all had to wear knickers Always brown, corduroy, knickers And my leg was that big And the knicker hole was that thick And I forever walked around Pulling up them knickers, you know Trying to be macho and quick In every step I walked And I'd hide them and throw them away And there's another man in that town That little mill town where I was born Hated me Name was Steinberg He ran the only department store And him and my mama had a fight against me. He kept a supply of brown corduroy knickers. And when I'd lose a pair of them, there's always another to take their place. I didn't wear long pants, folks, until I was 14 years old. It was either short pants or knickers, okay? Now you think that's enough. Kenny couldn't have. That ain't all. I had freckles. I had freckles from the top of my head to the soles of my feet I had feckles where people ain't supposed to have freckle And I hated it And when I looked at me, I saw something that was ugly That didn't like me And I'm going to tell you a secret If you look at yourself and you see something ugly That's what you are If you're not a man If you don't look at the world and you say it is ugly That's why it is If you look at people and see them as enemies, that's what they are. Have you ever stopped to realize that each of us has the power to create our own reality by the way that we look at it? Have you never stopped to realise that we behave in terms of the way that we see things, not the way things really are? I want this to be a good world. I've got to see a good word. A good world when I look at. But I didn't know that thing. And that didn't like me. I got it. Now, I used to figure to myself, well, if I can ever get rid of these freckles, that's the thing. They're outstandingly ugly. If I can never get rid o' them, I won't be okay. And you know what I did along about the age of 12 or 13? They were replaced with the most beautiful set of pimples you ever saw in your life. Now, this didn't have pimples, folks. I had sick. You know, other kids had acne. Guess what mine was? The doctor called it acne vulgaris. That means ugly. He confirmed my suspicion. And I hated those pimples. He used to take my daddy's razor off, shaved off the side of my face. Mom and daddy being old-fashioned said sometimes you do certain things you're going to have pimples on your face. And I used to say I didn't do them things. Now hell, I didn' That was one of the things I was really talented at I mean, it's all a part of dreamland, you know And all I had to do was walk down the street People look at my face They knew what I was doing It's like I had a neon sign over my head Say, he's doing it He's doing that He's going it And that'll make you nervous. And I began to think they were all staring at me and talking about me. And they didn't like me. I got paranoid. Heard a psychiatrist say not long ago, said, you weren't paranoid. They really didn't know what was going on. They didn't really like it. And he's probably right. Now, you got pictures? Pain! Pain based on frustration, despair. Can't you admit it? I'm 15 years old. And I'm off on a high school singing trip with some older, more experienced men. 17, 18 years old and we're in a hotel room and they called the cab driver and gave him $7.50 half and sent him out. He came back with a bottle full of brown fluid, and the label said, Cream of Kentucky. And I said to the wisest of these older men, name was Egghead Baker. People think I'm lying. That's the truth. That was his name, Egghead Baker. I said, Eggheads, what do we do with that stuff? He said, Tommy, you drink a glass of it as fast as you can, then you drink another glass of water as fast you can. You keep on doing that until you feel good. I got to tell you, I went in front of the bathroom mirror and watch myself tell you the first thing. I'll never forget it. And A.J. Baker lied to me. All of a sudden, I was who I wanted to be, where I wanted it to be. Doing what I wanted to be doing and the people around me were just fine, thank you. The emptiness was gone. Everything was mellow. It felt good. That brown fluid did for me what I'd heard in the Baptist church God was supposed to do. Think about that. And right away, it assumed a value to me that you wouldn't believe. And these older, more experienced men passed out. I didn't. When they were passed out, I called the cab driver, I gave him a seven and a half, and I got me a pint of cream of Kentucky. And right way, my mind got locked up on this magic fluid. This stuff that did for me what nothing else had ever done. If you don't understand the value of alcohol to an alcoholic, you'll never understand alcoholism. Tremendously valuable stuff to me. It took precedence over everything in my life. I was willing to give up my self-respect, my freedom, my family, my home, anything for that effect that it produced. And you know what effect it produced? The one Dr. Silkworth talks about. Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol, he said. You know There's an English poet named A.E. Houseman. Don't know if any of you read any of his work, but he had to be a drunk. Because he wrote the following poem. Let me share it with you. I didn't plan to do this. Listen. It goes, Ale, man, ale's the stuff to drink for a fellow whom it hurts to think. Look into the pewter pot and see the world as the world is not. In faith this wasn't till this past. The mystic says it will not last. Oh, I have been to Ludlow Fair and left my necktie God knows where And carried through my home or near Pints and quarts of Ludlow beer And then the world seemed none so bad And I myself a spelling lad And down in lovely mutt I've lain Happy Till I woke again Then I saw the morning sky I heard the tale was all a lie The world, it was the old world yet and I was high and my clothes were wet. And nothing now remained to do but begin the game again. Do you want to know? The man had the big rock. Blackouts began for me immediately. At the age of 16 and 17, I was being locked up regularly in jail. By the time I was 23 years old, I'd been in psycho wards, religious homes for alcoholics, detox centers. I'd had over a thousand stitches taken in my face alone as I was all the drinking, and I was still telling myself the alcoholic lie. This time it's going to be different. This time if I just handle it right, I'm going to able to drink like everybody else. I was not willing to give up the thing that was most valuable to me in my life. When I was in psycho ward, by the way, I wasn't diagnosed as alcoholic. I was diagnosed as manic depressive. I took over that psycho ward. I excelled at being crazy. I went right for the top of the heap. Being an alcoholic, which being translated means being a con man, in two weeks the psychiatrist was telling me his trouble. And I loved it there. I was the center of attention. All you had to do was look a little funny. That nurse would grab that needle and come pop you one. And then you could float around for a while. And you had control, see? Because you'd get in there and shave and there's a guy sitting on the stool watching you. And I used to love to move that razor a little quick and watch that sucker jump. That's real control. And control is one of my problems as an alcoholic. I want to control everything and everybody so I won't be hurt. And I was sick with control. And I used it. And I use people. And a used things, and I used situations and circumstances. I set the stage. I went to my first A.A. meeting when I was 23. And I was up in Raleigh, North Carolina. There was an old boy that was at that meeting. It took him five years to get up the nerve to tell me something. He said, I remember your first meeting. He said I took one look at you and immediately punched the guy next to me and said he ain't just an alcoholic. He's crazy as hell. And I came in that meeting and the great mind went to work. Okay? And by the way, I'm a memory verse expert in the Baptist church and the royal ambassador for Christ. Okay. And there was a plaque over here that had 12 steps and one over here had 12 traditions. Blue book sitting in front of the man up front that everybody was paying attention to. Well, all you got to do is memorize those 12 steps and those 12 traditions, memorize what's in that book, and they'll put you up front and they're listening to you. Why, you ought to be president without getting pretty smart. I'd always done everything that way right to the top to gain that control. And so I tried it on the egg. I can quote great portions of this book, Peter. Diffences, I don't have to anymore. If I tell you something, if you're ever in a discussion meeting with me, don't misquote it. You know what those people did? They put me up front. I delivered some of the wind here, sister, take it. on theosophy and ontology and epistemology that you've ever heard in your life. The only thing I couldn't do was stay sober. For the next seven years, knowing everything there was to know about this program in an intellectual sense, the longest I ever stayed dry was 89 days. And it wasn't because I didn't want to stay sober, I did. I wasn't trying to be not sober, I was trying to be sober, but I was doing it my way. I knew no other way. And I know it was 89 days that time, because up in North Carolina we give a red poker chip for 90 days. And I wanted one of them things so bad, sometimes when the meeting was over, I'd been up and throw one. And I'd sit out in my den, you know, and I'd meditate and read the great books of God. St. Augustine, Thomas of Tempest, The Invitation of Christ, Martin Buber's Eye and Thou, Paul Tillich's Courage to Be. You name them, I read them. Brother Lawrence, all of them. waiting for my spiritual awakening to happen. Tell me about this. I know what a spiritual awakening is supposed to be like. I mean, God knocked Paul off a jackass. He lit up a bush for Moses and talked to him. And that's the kind of spiritual awakening I was looking for. A lightning bolt! Don't tell me God ain't got a sense of humor. I can see him now looking at me, sir. Is that dummy again? I'd send him a lightning bolt, got plenty But he wouldn't like the color I used to go to an AA group up in Burlington It was so traditional Everybody had a seat You ever been to a group that traditional? You don't sit in nobody's seat That's the way this group was If you go up there next Sunday night They'll be sitting in them seats Barney would be leaned up against the wall Jim S. on the second row Second chair Fourth row, fourth chair is an empty seat That's Martha She's been dead twelve years And Freeman used to be there And over on the right-hand side Second row Second chair from the wall Sat the meanest man that God ever made His name was Bill C And I called him Grumpy And I hated his death You know why? He always told me the truth. You ever run in one of them old-timers with X-ray vision? I'd walk into meetings and drop in and say, how you doing, boy? Always call me boy and point this finger at me. How you doing boy? I'd say fine, he'd say bullshit. And these old-times would sit around and dream up these circular sayings to lay on you, you know. I hate it. Used to, like a man. He'd say them circular sayings to me, like, Boy, you don't think your way into good living. You live your way in the good thinking. I'd say, Shut up! I'm smarter than you are. And the one that always used to really get me was, Boy, how come you always run around looking for God? You ain't lost. And I didn't like this old man at all He read me like a book And you know when somebody reads you like a Book, you gotta get their proof If you're an alcoholic and he's not on your side You gotta get him one way or the other One Sunday afternoon I got the opportunity I got a 12-step call Jumped on my white Charger Flew down there, found this drunk laid up in a locked cabin With no handle or plumbing, been there too much You can imagine what it looked like. He was turning blue, and that place was unbelievable. And I got him off to a doctor and got a lady from down the street, and we shoveled out that place. Swept it, mopped it, everything else. I went to the telephone to call Grumpy so he could come see the wonder that I had wrought. And you know, in going through all that stuff in that house, I found a gal in the wind, and when Grumpy got there, I was drunk too. He was not at all impressed. Now, in a way, this talk is for grumpies. Okay? His name was Bill Crumpler. He died last month. And I went to his funeral. And so help me God, when a friend called and told me that he had died, I knew he was going to die. Cancer was eating him up a lot. But when the friend called, my first thought was, Old man, you didn't die. That ain't your style. That's the kind of man he was. And God help us, I hope A.A. stays full of Bill Crumpley. And I'm going to tell you something else. He ain't dead. Not as long as I'm walking around on two feet. People are going to hear about hard-nosed sponsorship. Gut-level truth. But that's what he was, a quiet man. I didn't think so, Randy. He'd sit over there on Tuesday night discussion meeting. He'd rattle his chain and pull his nose, had a great old big ugly nose, looked like a pickle, and run his hand through his hair, and he'd raffle his chains and pull His nose and run His hand through His hair and say the same thing every Tuesday night. Now when He died, He was sober 34 years. And if you're having trouble staying sober by God, rattle your chain. And that used to just blow my mind. And I'd go to meetings with all this heavy knowledge to lay on the truth. Did any of y'all ever do that? Sitting there with your knuckles white waiting your turn to come? Don't lie to me. We've all done it. Any AA discussion meeting's like a game of can you top this, and you know it and I know it. And they'd go around that room and they'd get to me last. They always got to me left. I used to wonder about that, I understand. And I say Paul Kivick said so-and-so and Martin Boomer said so and so. And Grumpy turned around and said, shut up, boy. And I'd go get drunk at him. I had the best help available to a human being. I did. The best help possible. I called Grumpy one night and I was drunk. I was always drunk when I called. That's when I call for help. When it was impossible. And before I could say a word, he said, boy, don't you ever call me again, grump. He said, matter of fact, don' t you ever cal me again. He said if you want to get sober, you know where we meet. And don't call me to come get you. As far as I'm concerned, you can walk. And he said, frankly, Tom, I don't give a damn if you ever get sober or not. That hurt my feet. And do you know that's one of the most loving things that any human being ever did for me in my entire life? He pulled out the top. He let me know he would not be used anymore. He knew that I wasn't ready. I what? I drank on. Seven years after I was introduced to AA, it was the most horrible drinking in my life because I knew there was an answer. And I was that close to the switch and I couldn't reach it! And I knew all of the directions. These things couldn't stop them. You got people in your group like that? For God's sake, be gentle with them. Reach a hand out and put it on theirs, you know, so you might reach the switch. Now, I drank on the last 30 years old. And I came through on her about July 20th, 1965. And I knew three things real clear. They came to my mind with a clarity that had never come before. And the first was, Tom, you can't drink. And the second one was, and you can quit. How many times have you been on a 12-step call and the man says, I know I can't drink? Did you ever feel like saying to him, did you know you can't quit either? And the third idea was, you're going to die. And by this time, I'm on five years probation. I have no driver's license. And God made a profit out of drunkenness. I walked back there and I went to meetings and I sat on the back row and I got there late and I left early I didn't want a thing to do with those people I just didn't want that but it kept going the grumpy was to tell me later the only thing you ever did right boy was you kept coming back and I did and I kept hanging around and I ended up watching this one man in the group and he had good eyes if you want to see a sober alcoholic look at his eyes Look at him. Look at that bright coming out of his eyes. You want to see one sober up, watch the bloodshot disappear and the jumping stop and the quivering stop and that magic something starts coming out his eyes? He doesn't even know it's there, but you do. In a few more weeks I was looking them in the eye and I was glad to see them and I did care how they were doing and I knew that they felt the same way about me. God, it was magic. The way my sponsor taught me what love was, was magic. And I know today, see, love's not a feeling. Feelings come and feelings go and feelings change. Love saves. Love is God's pure action in this universe. It goes from me to you, you, him to you. You ever hear the old Baptist song? It circles here on both. That's love. And he taught me that. And he had sense enough not to go to church, Mary. Okay? Okay. I started getting told. And he started working me through those steps. I took the third step and I was so afraid that it wasn't going to work that I read it out of the book over and over to myself again I don't know how many times. I didn't want to miss a jot or a sentence. I did not want ever to drink again. And I think, I turned, oh, I was reborn. And I started off in a newborn, new direction, a newborn baby. Okay? New life. I didn't have to worry about where I was going at night. Had Lincoln Continental pull up in front of my house and that cigar would wave out the window like that, I was going to an AME. I didn't have to worry where I was going three o'clock in the morning. Phone rang. You told me on 12-step call. First one I went on, I ran in there. I was ready to save a soul. I said, what did I say, Harry? He said, you don't know nothing. You don't say nothing. Sit down and shut up. He thought I could talk. He told me when to sit down. That cigar would waive and I'd sit. one of my house and that cigar to me when i could talk he told me when to sit down that cigar would wave and i'd sit and i got things to do i couldn't hardly stand i sitting up to college where i work one day eating my bag lunch and all of a sudden one of the greatest thoughts i ever had in my life and it was there hey you haven't wanted a drink all the grief. Can you imagine that? And I cried like a cat. Chill bumps broke out all over me. Never had such a thing. Yeah. We went along and we talked, and I learned it's very safe to talk. And I began to be remade with them. I got a boy at home, he's 14, named Jacob. If you ever want to really learn something profound, listen to children. We adults don't know anything profound. Children do. And this boy's always amazed me with what he would tell me. And we're sitting on the couch one night and he says, Dad, why won't I be the dad for a while and you be the son? And I said, how are we going to work that out, boy? He said, it's easy. I'll grow up and be the father. You grow down and be my son. You know, I've never heard a better description of the 12 steps to alcoholism on for my whole life and growing down to assume you're rightful for good, child of God. So help me. And it did. Now, it's been so long time. I haven't lived a bold experience. I met Bottom, the young Bottom back on through stages of sobriety. I went through the stages of sobriety once, two, three years ago where I knew it all. I wondered why anybody would ask anybody else anything as long as I was back. I wondered why everybody didn't ask me to be their sponsor. I second-guessed all the old-timers. I was sure that even though they'd been sober 30 years, the quality of my sobriety was better. I was an arrogant ass of the first degree. And thank God again for the old timers. Too often, I couldn't understand it as good as I do it, often put me in the corner and say, Boy, who the hell do you think you are? Who taught you so much? You Bill Wilson? Bring me down there. I went through other states. Lots of them. I went though five-year menopause. That's what we called it up in North Carolina. That's when you're both men for over five years and you look around and the world's still gray or brown, whichever way you look at it. And nothing's changed, and everything seems kind of flat and meaningless, you know. And you say, what's going on here? You know I've seen so many people get over at five years of sobriety that I can't count them? Five-year menopause. And I think that that is the point that I really joined AA in the sense of doing something deeply about being myself and finding myself and doing something for others. It was a great growth spurt for me. And I've told many people along about that same scent When they come in and they got that feeling That flat feeling, despair You know, they're not going anywhere Nothing good is happening to them Why don't you go in there Let me look at me See, something about we alcoholics That we got to know And I'm using the word we We don't know how to eat Oreos Did you know that? Alcoholics goes right for that creamy center We pull the wafers apart And go right for this Creamy center You know? Franks call it delay of gratification I call it we don't know how to eat Oreos You know, we get sober on Tuesday We expect the wife to turn in To Lana Turner by Thursday And God to pull up with the goody truck By Friday And there to be a deacon The next Sunday We're funny people You know that? We are strange We've got to learn how to heat Oreos I did I had to learn discipline discipline prayer discipline meditation discipline practice in this program the bottom line in the spiritual life to me is not faith or hope or charity practice you can know everything in this program and if you don't do it it don't mean nothing practice practice practice my sponsor told me that effort result effort result god I got tired of hearing that Right Then I got into a stage in my life Where my sexuality expressed itself And I've got to share with you You know, according to mythologies When we got here We was all in one piece You know that? And the gods got worried about that And said if we leave them like that They're going to become like us So the gods split us in half Read any creation story And you'll find it there They split us. They split up in half And ever since, one of the deepest longings, one ofthe biggest needs of every human being is the need to be whole. All in one thirst. And there are two great thirsts that are in every human thing. And the one thirst is a thirst for union with Almighty God and that's called spirituality. And the other is thirst for reunion with another human being and that is called sexuality. And I've seen a lot of people confused with this. When sexuality is sanctified by spirituality, it's a grand and a glorious and a beautiful thing. But when sexuality takes precedence over spirituality, you're going straight into the gate of the city. I tell the difference sometimes. This is the reason our old-timers say men ought to sponsor men and women ought to support women because it is awfully hard for spirituality to be aroused without sexuality being aroused. The source of them seems to be very fluent. What happened to me was, I fell in love. My wife wasn't good enough for me anymore. I needed something more beautiful. I prayed that. Be very careful about that, folks. And one night, the most gorgeous redhead you've ever seen in your life walked into my office at college and made her intentions known. So help me God, I have never suffered like that in college. Because sexuality took precedence. She went into the center of my life where I knew God had to be. I overcompensated in Alcoholics Anonymous. I was sponsoring everybody. I was speaking everywhere. It was coming out of my guilt. I had to somehow make up for what I knew I was doing wrong. I left home and I went back home and I left Home and I Went Back Home. Lust pulled me out, guilt pulled me back. And in all those automobile wrecks that I'd had while I was drinking I got a bunch of scar tissue up here in my head. I'm a sap, a sucker for a migraine headache and I started having them. That's the way I punished myself. And for those migraine headaches the doctor had to zap me with Demerol mixed with Copazine or mixed with Valium. And that's the only thing that would stop them. And I went to a psychologist, and I went to a psychiatrist. You see? Trying to find an answer. What I was trying to find was justification. I knew what was wrong with me. I couldn't let it just. I was as obsessed with this person as I had been with booze. I wasn't willing to give up myself to protect my freedom, my family, my home, my job, my home of my life. Then it got to the point I knew it was no good. I went to a friend in AA, and I said, I've got to do something. He said, tell me, next time she calls, you hang up the phone and come on over here. I said what we're going to do? He said I don't know. And she called, and I hung up the call, and I ran to his house, and he met me at the door, and i busted into tears, and he busted into fears, and you Alamondes ain't the only ones that know what letting go is like just for the next three weeks of Christ. I've learned a great deal about the power that's involved in sexuality and spirituality. And I'll tell you, alcoholics, once you go from booze to pills to neck lube to sex, sex, know it and I don't. In the ABCs in this program, there's no human power to relieve our alcoholism and yet we try to put God-like attributes on another human being and demand of them to do what only God can do. And when they can't cut it, we pass them off and go to another one. We've gotten our thirst for union with God mixed up with another person. And I live through that. And I learned from that. Now, I'm not ugly anymore. I'm not insane. And I don't hate my gut. And me and my mother is a best friend. She never did hate me. She used to dominate me. You know why? Because I demand It's domination. I'm changed. Now, am I changed because I am so great? No. Because I'm so good? No, because I'm not. I'm changing because this program has done for me precisely what it said it would do. Precisely. Okay? My old father is the best man I've ever known in my life. God, he was beautiful. A quiet, gentle, loving, kind man. Really good as a man. My daddy would come down to my house, every kid in the neighborhood and every dog in the neighborhood would be there and cry for him. He loved me. I loved him. And he adored me. When I was 18 years old, he was taking me down to the bus to leave for the Air Force so I wouldn't have to go to jail. And while he was telling me how much he loved me, he had his hand firmly planted on my butt, pushing me up the chest of that butt. I was about to drive him crazy. And a few years ago I had the opportunity to be with him as he died over about a six-week period. And I learned about strength. And I learned about faith in the morning before he died. He rolled over. He said, am I going to die? I said, yes, sir. Does that frighten you? This man's not an alcoholic, folks. He said, yeah, it frightens me. But I figure when you get frightened, all you have to do is just turn the fear over to God. You're going about to piss. And then he says something that I'll never forget. He said to me, I love you. You are one of the finest men I have ever met. What a king. Quite a king, And people wonder why I'm enthusiastic about it for a minute. And why I love it so much. How could I feel otherwise? You see, I have a purpose in my life. There's meaning in my wife. I think often of Robert Frost's line of poetry because it fits me now. I have promises to keep. And I hope to go before I put them. I have a love affair going with my family, I have love affair with Scott, and I have a love affair with Mike. And I have the love affair going with you all. I really do. I'm not just saying that. I don't believe in this thing. There's a boy up in North Carolina named James Taylor who writes music. Any of you familiar with him. He often writes songs that have double meanings. And I can describe my love affairs with a song of his which might surprise you. It means an awful lot to me. And it goes this way. I needed the shelter of someone's arm, and there you were. I needed someone to understand my ups and downs, and here you were, with sweet love and devotion, Deeply touched in my heart. I gotta stop. And thank you, baby. I just gotta stop and thank you. Yes, I did. How sweet it is to see love right now. I closed my eyes at night wondering where would I be without you in my life. Everything I did was such a bore. Everywhere I went it seemed I'd been there before. You brightened up for me all of my days. There's love so sweet in so many words. I gotta stop and pray. I just gotta stop. How sweet it is to be alive by you. And baby, it's really me. I'm a twice-born man. I'm the son of the most powerful, loving Lord in this universe. and all I have to do is let God be God and me be me and I am certain that I will be happy and joy and free I don't think that I'm certain of