Getting Sober Means When We Get Together We’re Not Breaking the Law Anymore 🫠 – Cassie L.

About This Speaker Tape

Cassie shares her story at the Monday Night Blue Chips meeting at the NAVA Club. Born to parents who met in AA, she grew up feeling restless and uncomfortable in her own skin from the earliest age. A custody battle landed her with her father around age 10, and despite a stable household, she felt perpetually empty and different. She began self-mutilating at eight or nine, had her first drink at 11, and knew she had a problem by 13 — the night she manipulated a group of private-school girls into raiding the Goldschlager at a sleepover and then lay awake alone on the couch, promising Higher Power she would never do it again.

Her father's suicide when she was 18 shattered the last structure in her life. She abandoned college plans, moved in with a boyfriend, and the drinking and drug use accelerated. She trapped her boyfriend into a pregnancy, married him, followed him onto a military post, and immediately began doctor-shopping for benzos while hiring a nanny so she could avoid mothering. Geographic cures failed — she moved states but brought herself along. Suicidal ideation turned into active attempts: swallowing prescriptions in hospital parking lots so medical staff would find her body, and one night sitting in a parking garage with a gun in her mouth, unable to pull the trigger.

After losing custody of her children to CPS and her ex-husband, falling into a dangerous lifestyle with violent people, and enduring a final stretch of abuse, Cassie crawled into a state detox with no money and no insurance. She moved into sober living near the meeting hall, got a sponsor she could not manipulate, and began working the steps with desperate willingness. The amends to her ex-husband — who simply asked her not to do to the next man what she did to him — and to her nine-year-old son — who said "Mama, I just want you to be okay" — broke her open.

Now approaching three years sober with an October 6, 2018 sobriety date, Cassie has her own apartment, pays her bills, is rebuilding credit, and has her children actively in her life again. Her AA network helps her parent. She describes the shift from religion to spirituality, the freedom of living without secrets, and the belly laughs she never imagined were possible in sobriety.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Meeting chair Lisa opens the Monday Night Blue Chips speaker meeting at the NAVA Club
• 2:00 Cassie introduces herself — sobriety date October 6, 2018 — born to parents who met in AA
• 5:00 Growing up in a strict household after custody battle — early self-mutilation and suicidal thoughts at age eight or nine
• 9:00 First real drunk at 13 — Goldschlager at an Episcopalian school sleepover — lying awake alone knowing she had a problem
• 14:00 Father's suicide at 18 — off to the races — abandons college, moves in with boyfriend, first arrest
• 20:00 Traps boyfriend with pregnancy, military wife life, doctor-shopping for benzos while hiring a nanny to avoid parenting
• 26:00 Geographic cure fails — suicidal planning escalates — gun in mouth in hospital parking garage, unable to pull trigger
• 33:00 CPS takes children — falls into dangerous lifestyle — loses everything to drugs and alcohol
• 40:00 State detox, sober living, gets a sponsor she cannot manipulate — starts working the steps with desperate willingness
• 48:00 Amends to ex-husband and nine-year-old son — rebuilding life with her own apartment, credit, and children back in her life