Getting Sober Means When We Get Together We’re Not Breaking the Law Anymore 🫠– Cassie L.
About This Speaker Tape
Cassie shares her story at the Monday Night Blue Chips meeting at the NAVA Club. Born to parents who met in AA, she grew up feeling restless and uncomfortable in her own skin from the earliest age. A custody battle landed her with her father around age 10, and despite a stable household, she felt perpetually empty and different. She began self-mutilating at eight or nine, had her first drink at 11, and knew she had a problem by 13 — the night she manipulated a group of private-school girls into raiding the Goldschlager at a sleepover and then lay awake alone on the couch, promising Higher Power she would never do it again.
Her father's suicide when she was 18 shattered the last structure in her life. She abandoned college plans, moved in with a boyfriend, and the drinking and drug use accelerated. She trapped her boyfriend into a pregnancy, married him, followed him onto a military post, and immediately began doctor-shopping for benzos while hiring a nanny so she could avoid mothering. Geographic cures failed — she moved states but brought herself along. Suicidal ideation turned into active attempts: swallowing prescriptions in hospital parking lots so medical staff would find her body, and one night sitting in a parking garage with a gun in her mouth, unable to pull the trigger.
After losing custody of her children to CPS and her ex-husband, falling into a dangerous lifestyle with violent people, and enduring a final stretch of abuse, Cassie crawled into a state detox with no money and no insurance. She moved into sober living near the meeting hall, got a sponsor she could not manipulate, and began working the steps with desperate willingness. The amends to her ex-husband — who simply asked her not to do to the next man what she did to him — and to her nine-year-old son — who said "Mama, I just want you to be okay" — broke her open.
Now approaching three years sober with an October 6, 2018 sobriety date, Cassie has her own apartment, pays her bills, is rebuilding credit, and has her children actively in her life again. Her AA network helps her parent. She describes the shift from religion to spirituality, the freedom of living without secrets, and the belly laughs she never imagined were possible in sobriety.
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Timestamps
Full Transcript
Let's have an AA meeting.
My name is Lisa and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chips speaker's meeting at the NAVA Club,
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her...
My name is Lisa and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chips speaker's meeting at the NAVA Club,
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her...
Let's have an AA meeting.
My name is Lisa and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chips speaker's meeting at the NAVA Club,
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual and our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view
the way they establish their relationship with God.
These give a fair cross-section of our life and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight
and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker
and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems
that any of us shall be persuaded to say,
yes, I am one of them too, I must have this thing.
A couple weeks back I had seen this young lady in this room with her friends
sitting up.
And I asked them all if they would speak and they all said yes
and they were very willing and I'm really impressed with that willingness.
So I give you Cassie.
Hi guys, my name is Cassie, I'm an alcoholic.
I'm waiting for God to show up and like remove this anxiety.
So my sobriety date is October 6, 2018.
I have a sponsor, I sponsor women.
My sponsor is a sponsor and I have a home group
and I have a service commitment in my home group.
So I'm supposed to tell you what it was like, what happened and what it's like now.
Hopefully I can string it all together in like the correct order, I don't know.
So I, the first time I drank and used was in utero.
So my mom is...
My mom is one of us and my auntie said when I was born, I would not stop crying.
My parents were really good at hiding their alcoholism.
I guess it's just like in the DNA.
So she said I'd only stop crying when I was held and when I got attention,
which is pretty much true still to this day.
So my mom and my dad, all my mom, my dad and all my step parents that I ever had met in AA.
So I'm an AA baby.
I remember sitting in meetings growing up and just wanting to scream like,
why can't y'all just stop drinking?
Like just, it's easy, just don't drink.
And that really like bit me in the ass because I'm here.
But honestly, there's, there's really no other place I'd rather be.
I finally am comfortable.
I'm comfortable in my skin.
So growing up, there's a, there was always a custody battle between my parents.
And finally, around 10, my dad got full custody of me and my older brother.
My dad finally found his last victim that stayed around long enough to help raise us.
My household, from what I can remember, it wasn't that, that violent.
Like when my...
When my...
When my dad finally got full custody of us, it was a pretty simple household.
There was little odd things that would happen.
Like I wasn't allowed to watch TV, but then we'd have like family movie night and it'd be like Gangs of New York
because it was like a history lesson for us.
And I never understood that.
I couldn't watch movies or like go out, but we would have these like really serious family sit downs.
It made no sense to me.
I never felt like I belonged.
I was very uncomfortable in my skin.
My skin would crawl.
I didn't...
The first like suicidal thoughts I had, it was really young.
It was like eight, nine.
And I started self-mutilating.
And I just wanted to feel something other than what was going on in my head.
I would...
I would like spend hours outside practicing soccer.
And just like working out because I wanted attention from my dad.
And they...
Like after doing the step work in the program and realizing, you know, some truths about myself
and like it wasn't that bad growing up.
Yeah, I had some shit that happened.
I was touched when I didn't want to be touched.
I was taken when I didn't want to be taken.
I was put in some really dangerous situations.
But I'm an alcoholic through and through.
I can't use that excuse anymore.
Like I'm a big girl now.
Time to grow up.
What are we going to do about it?
I had...
I have...
Sorry.
I have an older brother and I have two younger brothers.
I remember when they were born.
I was just so...
It was like there's babies.
And I love to watch my parents love the extension of my father.
And I always had them like on my hip.
And I made a decision like way too young.
I'm going to have 10 kids.
I'm going to have a perfect marriage.
And I'm just going to raise all these babies.
And the love in that household was...
It was disciplined.
A lot of discipline.
A lot of structure.
I remember going to school, like elementary school.
And I just wanted to fit in.
So I tried everything I could to fit in.
Whether it be flirting with the boys or...
And I don't know if anybody can remember these.
But those like rubber bracelets that had colors on them.
And if you broke it, that means that you did something.
And I had all these bracelets on and like necklaces.
And I never...
It didn't matter like how many friends I had around me.
I still felt like nobody loved me.
Nobody liked me.
Woe is me.
Pity.
Blah, blah, blah.
The first time I drank because I wanted to, I was 11.
I knew I had a problem when I was 13.
I was at a slumber party.
And I had convinced the girl that we were having the slumber party at to let me sneak into the pantry.
And this girl...
I had gone to a private school my 7th grade and 8th grade year.
And she had like money.
It was like this huge house.
And immediately, immediately my little alcoholic brain was like, I'm going to manipulate the hell out of her.
She's going to become my best friend.
Because she had something that I wanted.
And I was like the public school girl that came to private school.
So I automatically felt like I was better and different than everybody.
Like I'm a badass.
Like insanity.
So I convinced her like, let's go into the pantry.
Let's drink.
Have you guys ever drank before?
They've never...
They never drank.
It was an Episcopalian school.
It was like 17...
No, like 13 kids.
They never drank before.
It was so like...
But I had...
I can be really manipulative.
First of all, I'm a woman.
Second of all, I'm a daddy's girl.
Third of all, I've got all brothers.
I was raised with brothers.
And you know, I'm an alcoholic.
So it was Goldschlager.
That was my first drunk.
And of course like...
Like they barely drank anything.
And I think I had like a cup.
And I remember everyone was...
Everyone had gone to sleep.
Like a normal...
Like what you're supposed to do when you drink?
You had a couple.
I'm going to calm down.
I'm going to lay down now.
I was still wide awake, alone, laying down on the couch, looking at the ceiling and thinking,
God, I don't ever want to do this again.
I don't want to feel like this.
I don't want to do this again.
And like for a brief moment, there was like this weight that was like lifted off of my
shoulder.
Like, okay, cool.
You don't have to...
You know, I felt God like, you don't have to do this.
You don't have to do this.
I'm going to calm down.
I don't want to do this again.
It's like, okay, cool.
You don't have to deal with this anymore.
I'm going to calm down.
I'm going to do this again.
And then like I said, my body was like, okay, okay, so I was like going down.
I was like, what?
I started getting really into sports and weightlifting.
I would like torture my body again, just to feel something, other than what was going
on in between my head.
Just so I could get away from my mind and my thoughts.
At this point in life, I'm 12, 13 years old.
Drinking like every now and then.
Like on the weekends.
A little...
Like when we'd go to the fair.
we'd fill the water bottles up um I was never really afraid of like if we get caught because
I had manipulated all I had like come up with all these stories in my head well she brought it it's
her fault I didn't know what was in the water bottle I was a really good friend it was a really
good friend um so my my my stepmother the woman that stayed around the longest to help raise me
she starts having kids and my two little brothers come out and I get really really depressed
and I don't really communicate it but my parents see me like isolating and always wearing long
sleeves and crying for no reason and locking myself in the room and when they'd ask me like
what's wrong we're here for you let's talk about it I didn't want to tell them I was terrified to
tell them how I really felt I was
terrified to tell them something inside of my heart something inside of my soul just doesn't
fit right um so they put me in therapy naturally and they they put me in um it was my stepmother's
therapist so of course I in my head I'm like I can't open up to this woman she talks to my mom
all day like I can't tell her like she's the bane of my existence like I don't I don't like what's
going on in my household I'm the princess all the attention is supposed to be on me um I start
I start creating like another life I get really into like fantasy books I get really into creating
of these scenarios in my head and picturing a life outside of my family and I had like
made a commitment to myself I'm going to move out as soon as I'm 18 my parents hate me they
don't want anything to do with me meanwhile I'd watched my father go from nothing to
building this life this very place and I'm like I'm going to move out I'm going to move out I'm
going to live in this very plush life this very safe life that that he had ripped me up that he
had saved me from basically from living with my mother um nothing was ever good enough for me
nothing I was given by the time I was 10 years old yeah 10 11 years old I literally was given
everything I ever wanted like I didn't have to ask for anything I didn't realize that until coming
into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous getting a sponsor and working the steps I could see now I
see the truth in all of it
But it wasn't, it really wasn't that bad.
It wasn't.
I would put myself in dangerous situations.
I was 13, 14 years old hanging out with people I did not need to be hanging out with.
I always wanted to be around older people because I felt like they were cooler.
I wanted to be around adults.
I wanted to be in adult conversations and I wanted to just listen to everything that they had to say
because I was so worried about growing up and, like, taking care of myself.
I just wanted to be independent.
I, um, I think it was, yeah, 16, 17.
Self-mutilation starts getting pretty bad.
And my parents start threatening, hey, we're going to, you're going to have to get, like, inpatient health.
You're going to have to get inpatient health.
So out of fear, I stopped.
My skin was still crawling.
But then I found boys.
And I would make these fantasy relationships up in my head.
Like, I'd have a crush.
And I would, like, zone in on that and I'd have sex about that and think that he's going to solve all my problems.
I'm going to be okay.
And I would go after, like, assistant weightlifting coach.
Like, okay, he's not the coach and he's still 17, 18.
And I'm going to be okay because he's going to take care of me.
He'll get me out of the house.
That.
That, like, really good ideas and really good plans in my head.
Was still drinking, but only, like, on the weekends.
And then my father had committed suicide.
And I put my father up on a pedestal.
I made him my god.
He never asked me to do that.
He was, like, my rock.
He was my foundation.
Like, I'd never seen him cry.
He was very, just, like, stern, strict, kept me in a bubble.
Um, I had no, I really didn't respect anybody but my father.
Like, I wasn't really afraid of anybody but my father.
And he was battling his own demons.
Um, just feisty business stuff.
And got caught up.
He died.
He died sober.
Um, but he wasn't living in his truth.
Um, and I was stuck.
Well, I was left.
I was left with, okay, here's the woman that I have no respect for.
I've got two younger brothers.
I've got an older brother who's one of us.
And I'm not doing this.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I'm not going to live in this household.
Um, and when he had died, I was just, I just, it was just off to the races.
Like, I just, the chains were broken free.
And I was living in a bubble.
And now I have all this freedom.
I'm 18 years old.
I'm a senior in high school.
My grades are really good.
I was on my way to college.
Um, and then I got obsessed with joining the Marines because I had, again, a really good
idea of, I'm going to join the Marines.
I'm going to become an officer.
And then I'm going to become a police officer when I get out of the Marines because they're
going to pay for college.
And then after a police officer, I'm going to become an investigator.
And then I'm going to become a lawyer.
And then I'm going to become a judge.
And then I'm going to become a governor.
I don't know shit about politics.
I really don't.
Like, I don't.
And it was, it was just, I wanted, I craved and I yearned for power and control because
this inside of my head was just like a hamster wheel.
Um, there was no, there was nothing going on up there besides insanity and depression
and untreated alcoholism.
He dies.
Um, and I started experimenting and it goes from just like, drugs are a part of my story.
Every time there was alcohol on the table, there was drugs.
Every time there was drugs on the table, there was alcohol on the table.
Like it's, I'm an alcoholic through and through.
So I started experimenting.
I got drinking down pat.
I knew I loved drinking.
Um, I was good at it, but I always ended up alone in a closet crying, but still it made
me feel good.
It calms the demons.
It calms the voices in my head.
I started hanging out with some surfing buddies that I had acquired.
Um, I started hanging out with some surfing buddies that I had acquired at a concert.
a kegger and my dad dies and one of them has experience with losing a parent like that
and I attach myself to him and fall madly in love very quickly way too quickly way too
quickly that poor man that poor man and I move I shoot out of my stepmom's house I have
two two jobs I didn't have any time for education I was like fuck the education I need to make
money my dad's not around anymore I have to support myself I challenged the state I got my
high school diploma and then I just started working and partying all the time like I didn't
see I didn't see a problem with it when when my family wouldn't be able to contact me for days
they had no idea where I was my mom would send me pictures of my little brothers and they would
leave me voicemails um
um
um
my main priority was when am I going to get drunk when am I going to get high again
because I'm not dealing with with everything that's going on inside I'm not dealing with
any of it I didn't I don't like life on life's terms I don't like reality I'm learning to
but especially like I just I didn't like reality I wanted to create my own world
and it revolved around me um I um attached myself to this
man and we get a little like one bedroom apartment and I feel like I'm the shit because
I'm a senior in high school and the first one out of my friend group to move out and have my own
little spot and it was fun for a while like I'd be lying if I said I didn't have fun like I had a
lot of fun like waking up at six in the morning and getting drunk and going surfing you know and
then cops would show up at the apartment because it'd be too loud and then you know I thought
that was cool like oh I threw a blowout like I'm cool um and I got arrested with my ex-husband
the boyfriend at the time for what I don't even know like an open house open party something like
that a little misdemeanor and that was like the first um consequence that I had from my drinking
and that scared the shit out of me um I got back into the mind frame of like okay I'm gonna join
the marines again um
but that that didn't that didn't work out because I was even in more fear because I didn't know how
to be an adult I didn't know how to live with alcohol I didn't know how to live without alcohol
so I'm still continuing to drink I'm still continuing to use drugs and I'm losing this
relationship with this man because I'm freaking psycho I'm throwing picture frames putting holes
in his lips I'm cheating on him non-stop I'm starting to hang out
with just very dangerous ruthless people um all out of fear because I didn't want to be alone and
I wanted to feel protected and he one night it was after a really bad fight and I remembered he was
like I can't do this anymore I'm not I don't want to be with you anymore and I knew the solution to
that was to get pregnant so I trapped him and I got pregnant and I was like yes I'm so madly in
love with you and I was not in love with the man it was just um an obsession and like a control
thing so we get pregnant and we move into his dad's house um I stopped drinking I stopped
all mind altering substances and get back into like church because I thought church could heal
me and sometimes that works for some people but for me church and religion just doesn't work
and I start to fall into that like motherhood like okay I'm gonna be a mother this is gonna
eat up my life I'm 19 years old I got my shit together he's gonna help take care of me um and
I convinced the man to join the military because we're both working two jobs and it's not going
anywhere um he joins the military and then I'm like I'm set I'm set for life like white picket
fence I got a military man we're good I got health insurance and he has a life insurance policy so
if anything ever happens to him because he's in the military I'll be okay I'll be good
we have our child meanwhile after I had my child um I my daughter I um convinced the doctors that
I have really bad anxiety and my back really hurts and I'm on the military post and I get
it's like it was so freely given you know because of all the stress that
that me myself as a military wife was going through
and I'm drinking
and I'm taking prescriptions and my husband is in basic and then in AIT and he's straightening
up his life to help support our family and I wasn't ready like I was not ready at all I thought
that I could just pay a nanny to just take care of my kids because I didn't want to be a mother
even though in the beginning I thought that it was going to save me and it was going to cure me
um so I have a full-time nanny I'm going to school
I got a little part-time job I'm never around my child ever my my husband has no idea what's going on
and then he comes back and I'm a wreck I'm not eating I'm not sleeping when I am sleeping
it's because I literally blacked out that's it there's no like I would resent him and I still
kind of am jealous of him how he can just lay down and go to sleep I don't understand that
um it's
that's slowly coming back to me now like I can I can I can lay down and go to sleep like a normal
person for the most part um so I'm convincing this man while he's watching me drink as soon
as I wake up as soon as I wake up and pop pills that I'm okay and that if we just move if we just
move out of Florida I'll be okay you know it's it's the people it's where I grew up at there's
too much trauma here you know my dad died here and I just can't
I can't be here anymore so you know I tried the geographical cure um but the thing is is I brought
myself with me and I thought that maybe if I moved out of the state into a whole new state
onto a military post where people seem to be somewhat they got their shit together
I wouldn't bring me like it would just be a whole new me because I'm really good at like
reinventing myself wherever I go like I'm a chameleon like I can just blend in
um because I can like um emulate everything that every everybody that's in the military
around me like I can just emulate what they're doing and I'll fit in and they won't know
we move out of state and we get pregnant again um and I am coming off of alcohol and benzos
while I'm pregnant with my son he no one look at me no one touched me that's why I was that I
would just lay on the couch like I wouldn't eat I wouldn't bathe like it was it was it was bad
this is how I know my god is real because when I wasn't there I may have physically been there for
my kids um but I wasn't mentally there like I could I couldn't I could care less um because
the only thing that mattered to me was substances that's all that mattered to me how I know my god
is real is because those kids were always taken care of no matter what I was doing um and I'm
weeping off of my of my
of my husband I'm not providing or doing anything good for this family and then the suicidal thoughts
start coming in and then this plan start coming in it would get so dark where I would have these
plans in my head of I'm just going to get a tarp I'm going to and I'm going to put it in the bathtub
and I'm going to shoot myself and I'm going to wrap myself up in the tarp and I'm going to shoot
myself so that so the cleanup
won't be that bad and he won't have to see it um and I start um actively trying to commit suicide
and that poor man like it was so bad that when they would go to sleep I would leave the house
and I would just swallow every prescription I had and I would park in a parking there's a couple
times where I would park in a um hospital parking lot
so it would be easy to transport my body like no one had to they my family didn't have to find me
it'd be doctors or nurses that found me and they're used to that stuff right so they can just bring me
into the hospital um this one time I was I was drinking I was really drunk and I bought a gun
from a pawn shop and it was really easy to get a gun um I didn't have a record um I had one like
little misdemeanor when I was 18 but it was it was easy um and I was able to get a gun and I was able to get a gun
and I picked up a gun and I had no idea what I was doing because I picked up target bullets
and I went to Walmart picked up target bullets and I drove to a hospital parking lot in the garage
and I had the gun in my mouth but I couldn't pull the trigger I could not pull the trigger
and that was God you know that was God something there stopped me because I really wanted to
I really wanted to um and I went home and acted like everything was fine
like I remember walking back into the house and just fixing dinner and then you know putting the
kids to bed and then going to bed um thinking that it's okay I'm okay I got this under control
it's just a bad day that was just a bad day sun's gonna still come up tomorrow um anxiety had just
gripped on to me and I wasn't talking about how I was feeling and I wasn't talking about what was
it's almost time to get sober hold on um so I start uh going to AA meetings but I didn't know
that you couldn't that you shouldn't drink I didn't know that it started with the first drink
I'm drinking in between meetings um I'm going into these rooms I'm not talking to anybody
I'm not asking for anybody's number I'm just sitting in the back and I'm like okay this
going to meetings will keep me sober and it would for like two days
so uh I'm not talking to anybody I'm just sitting in the back and I'm like okay this
finally go to rehab um my husband my ex-husband was out in the field on posts and they were
training for something I don't big guns and machines I don't know and he called for his
like weekly check-in and I was like you need to come home I need help now I've got a drinking
problem I'm an alcoholic and these ladies at this AA meeting tell me that I need to go to detox so
come home now and he had no way he was like I don't what do you want me to do with this
what do you want me to do he comes back in and I go to rehab but before I went to rehab
I called my auntie and I was like yo I'm checking myself into rehab I need help and
my auntie was like finally and I was like what you don't even know like you haven't
seen me in years you don't know she was like well the phone calls that we would have at
like midnight I kind of knew you know it runs in the family um I try so of course before
you go to rehab before I would go to rehab I would get blitzed um because it was going
to last time I ever drank I start getting into rehabs after rehabs thinking I'm just
going to clean myself out and I'll be okay I don't have a drinking problem I have a control
problem that's it um it wasn't until I uh got into I was um being prospected because
I surrounded myself with a treacherous group of people um I was like doling
headfirst into this like dangerous lifestyle out of fear because I just wanted protection
I just wanted to be accepted and I wanted somebody to love me um that was pretty much
rock bottom for me um I emulated everybody that was around me and everything that they
were doing but I wanted to go harder meanwhile I'm like dying inside terrified out of my
mind uh but of course not having to shove all these substances into my body to go and
perform what we're supposed to be doing at the time but I don't have to live like that
anymore
so now it's time to get sober I hit rock bottom I'm in a very abusive relationship
um and once again I put this man on a pedestal and I made him my higher power
and I start to get into heavy core drugs like heavy core um and there was a point where
when I woke up one morning I was like I don't have a choice I have to put something into my
body in order to function and be okay I don't have a choice um
it was the hotels that kind of did it for me that it was like okay
I think I got a problem I can't control this anymore I lost everything I lost my kids cps
started to show up because I wasn't feeding my kids and my their teachers knew but I was so um
I was in such denial such denial cps starts getting involved and they're like hey are you
feeding your kids but at that point in time I was like I don't know I'm not gonna do this
I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this
eu but at that point in time my relationship with such denial so cps was the benefit of
having an Parents House porque Corner Downs way but at that point in time I was in such denial
such denial cps Urs getting involved and they're like hey um are you feeding your kids but as that point in time
that point in time like who has time to take care of children and who has time for hygiene and
nutrition when I have to get drunk and I have to get this fixed like I don't have time for that
by the grace of God their dad came in and swooped him in and I just I just handed him over handed
him over and I was like okay now's my chance to get help now's my chance I'm going to clean my
act up um and then I um I felt like at the time working on the relationship that I was in was
more important and building um an entertainment label was more important and I fell into the
lifestyle um and then I lost everything because I was only making money to get drugs and alcohol
that was it I wasn't paying bills the electricity was shut off I had no running water it was so
gross I was I'm working on a documentary right now and I was looking at videos old videos that
I have and it was roach infested and it was like you know all those songs they're talking about
the trap house it's so cold da da da oh my god
that's so gross the the environment that I was in was so gross um but thank god like I come into
this program and there's a shift in perspective um I get help finally um I go to a state
detox because I have no money I have no health insurance and I get out and I go back to the
house that I was staying at to get all my stuff and my ex was there um and
I was there for like 18 hours and he uh just did everything he ever wanted to me
and I remember praying like okay god like I'm clean and sober and I'm like okay I get it now
like if the drugs and the alcohol doesn't kill me it's gonna be the lifestyle and for me a
perspective that's been given to me now is it's not getting out of that lifestyle is such a
that can be addicting too um because once once I stopped putting drugs and alcohol into my body
life still starts to happen I'm still having to live life on life's terms like it's still gonna
happen no matter what um and I don't want to be miserable anymore you know I did some really
some really gross shady things to get what I wanted I was um if I saw something that I wanted
I took it and and now I don't have to live like that anymore um so anyways I come in I come back
into AA I moved to LA I moved to LA I moved to LA I moved to LA I moved to LA I moved to LA
I moved into a sober living um right down the road actually and I come in crawl back into the
rooms again and I was so desperate thank god for the gift of desperation because if y'all would
have told me to chop my pinky off I would have bitched and complained about it but I would have
done it because living on my own will and living on my own strength it always ended me up in hotels
getting the shit beat out of me it always ended up like that and I just I just didn't want to do
it anymore I didn't want to do it anymore um I move into sober living and I'm like oh my god
I'm sober living and I get a sponsor and I get a home group and I start building a network outside
of my sober living that was that's what was key for me um and I start taking suggestions from my
sponsor um and I start calling making really awkward phone calls to other women like I don't
know what I'm doing um but my sponsor told me that I should call you and see how you're doing
and how you do it and I'm like okay I'm gonna call you and I'm gonna call you and I'm gonna call you
so I'm here um and my home group just swept me up with with discipline with um honesty and and
taught me like open-mindedness that's a word yeah and service um I start building friendships
and at first they're like I'm terrified
um because I don't trust anybody because I don't trust myself at all I don't know what I'm gonna do
and I don't know what this other person's gonna do but I can get one like I can guarantee you
there's nothing that I can say do thought or have already said done or thought in this room
and in other rooms alike that hasn't already been done like I don't have to hide anymore um it was
like so I'm coming up on three years my first year I was scared shitless I would wake up sick
full of anxiety and then I start taking the suggestions like just like muscle memory like
just get on your knees and pray say the third step prayer do this do that let's do your steps you know
let's do your inventory sit down and let's just get it all out you just you're just cleaning
you're just cleaning the old shit out of yourself um and I start doing this does for the sponsor
with a confident sponsor a woman that I cannot walk all over and I cannot manipulate and I
cannot lie to I can try to lie I really can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't
I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't
lie I really can but the truth always comes out because what happens in the dark always comes to
the light always and nine times out of ten when I'm talking to my sponsor and I want to lie or
I've lied it she just knows she just knows because she's done the same damn thing and there's no
judgment that's the most freeing part like there's no damn judgment from this woman and I thought
that like that building these friendships around me and having a sponsor I didn't deserve it and
that they were going to judge me and that they didn't know me you know like you don't know me
um because I'm unique and I'm different and I'm weird like you can't you
I'm unique so yeah I am there are some unique things about me and I am a little bit different
I'm definitely weird but one thing's for sure there's nothing unique about my alcoholism
nothing at all
like it's not special it's not different I am just a garden variety alcoholic
that took some suggestions did step work and and the more that I pray and the more that I just do
these actions the more transparent and the more that I can start to live in my truth
and I used to like I didn't know who the hell I was I'm still learning who I am at how old am I 32
yeah I think I think
how old am I
I'm still learning who I am at how old am I 32
I'm still learning who I am at how old am I 32
um I'm still learning who I am and that's okay like I can be myself that the gifts of this program
and the promises like I can be myself around my friends I can be myself around my sponsor I've
gotten to that point I've gotten to that point where like I can just say and pretty like I can
just say anything and I can share an experience and like I'm not afraid to anymore but it took
time it took muscle memory um suggested some things of of
some um really eye-opening and just god moments from working these steps you know um one of them
is we got we have to make an amends um to people and I didn't know it at the time but when I did
my fifth step with my sponsor she was like I would say a person and she would say put a star next to
that and I'd be like why well we're not there yet don't worry about it um so she basically like
helped me figure out okay this is everyone you're gonna have to do an amends to so it comes around
the time where I have to go and make amends to people and I'm like I'm not gonna do that I'm not
making amends to my ex-husband and my son and my daughter and I go and I'm so nervous and
um I sit down with my ex-husband and it's not this like huge drawn out excuse me um elaborate
thing it's very simple the steps are very simple um and I tell him you know I can't imagine what
it was like having an ex-wife having a wife and having a baby mother like me I just can't
um I don't
get into nitty-gritty details when I make my amends you know like I'm sorry I had multiple
affairs on you that's gonna cause more harm it's gonna cause more harm um you know um I'm selfish
and I'm self-centered Phil Phil uh and if there's any other way that I've hurt you please let me
know what can I do to make this better and this meant like I was I was scared that he was gonna
be like you did this and you're worthless and remember the time because I'm sure there's shit
that I don't even remember um and all he said was don't do what you did to me to the next man that
you married and I was like what what compassion and understanding and like forgiveness so then
I sit down with my son at that time he was nine and you know I don't get into nitty-gritty nitty
gritty details like I said earlier I'm not going to say you know I'm sorry that you were abused I'm
sorry that I neglected you no it's not about that you know like I can't imagine what it was
like having a mother like me um if there's any other if there's any way that I've harmed you
and you want to talk about it I'm here I'm here let's talk about it and my son you know what can
I do to make this better and my son says mama I just I just want you to be okay I just want you
to be okay and now today clearing like the wreckage of my past whether it be financial
marriages children um I'm building a life um and my kids are actively in my life now you know like
my my ex-husband trusts me with the children at first he didn't want me to know where he lived
he didn't want me to know he don't want me to have access to them because I couldn't be trusted
because I was an alcohol I was an active alcoholic um like I get to I just had them
um
um
, two weekends ago you were there two weekends ago and my network my AA network is in their lives
they're helping me with my children because I don't know how to be a mother I don't um
a a pivotal point for me was uh third step um
um just handing my life over to a higher power you know and mine's God I don't
apologize for that I had religion growing up um but now I have spirituality and that's what kept
me sober um just not trying to do this shit on my own and on my own thinking because I'm not I don't
choose really good I don't make good choices I'm starting to be able to trust myself a little bit
more with some choices you know like I can pay my bills on time now you know my kids are safe
around me now um
I have um friends around me that when we plan to get together we're not breaking the law anymore
and like that's a big thing that's a big thing for me we're not breaking the law anymore we're
not going to hurt somebody and we're not trying to take something that's not ours
you know like and we have fun I didn't think that I was going to have fun getting sober like
I really didn't but like I laughed to the point where it hurts like it I get that belly laugh
that like soul laugh I get that belly laugh I get that belly laugh I get that soul laugh I get that
laugh uh and I truly truly believe it's because God you know like I know that that sounds like
cheesy but like it's God all the way and sometimes I get pissed off at him I get so pissed off at God
and I yell at him and that's okay because he's a big boy and he can handle that
when I don't think what he wants for me is right I tell him that and I'm always wrong
always wrong uh and I have a pretty simple life now
and I get excited talking about it um I think I'm still on fire of like getting sober and still
being sober maybe someday I'll calm down you know but I'm on fire for life now because I want to live
like I want I want to live an honest life I want to be transparent I want to be comfortable in my
skin and I have self-worth now and that that took a long time to get and it's because I've
been doing these suggestions and I I did these steps and I've been doing these things and I've
made these amends and I started paying off my debt and I never thought that I would like work
on my credit getting sober like fuck that I'm not dealing with that do you have any idea how much
debt I'm in um but you know our literature tells us we have to clean it up like people provided
services hospital bills you know college like they provided a service that's you got to pay
it back you got to pay it back that's robbing somebody and I don't we don't live I don't live
like that anymore um and I have like I've got credit now I've got like I've got like I've got
and I've got my own little like one bedroom apartment um it took me two years in sober living
but for me like that's that's a that's a peak in life like I am self uh self-supporting by my
own contributions because that is provided a life for me right that like I can show up to a job now
like I can pay my bills on time now um I can I can pay my car note you know I don't make money
just to get drunk and high anymore
like not I don't want to yeah um one thing that helps too is um just like when I start to panic
about I have to go the rest of my life without putting like with just being just raw dogging it
like I gotta feel all this shit I have to feel it but it's just for today it's just for today
so I can stay in the here and I can stay in the now and I know that God's got me no matter what
so thanks for watching
I'm letting you share
that was awesome
the last night I truly hit a new low
came to and somewhere strange to me
as I roll from town to town can't put the bottle down
I'm not just like it's killing me
so I thought
you need something to take the
it's the boba book or the cup for me
seems like everyone's out
looking at me
uh
uh
uh
oh
oh
oh
oh
oh
A bull always following me.
Feeling like I just can't outrun.
There's demons that are all around me.
There's demons that are all around me.
There's demons that are all around me.
I'm a victim of life's circumstances.
I take every pill from A to Z.
I try to fight it out.
That feeling of self-doubt.
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me.
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me.
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me.
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
My name is Lisa and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chips speaker's meeting at the NAVA Club,
where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual and our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view
the way they establish their relationship with God.
These give a fair cross-section of our life and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight
and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker
and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems
that any of us shall be persuaded to say,
yes, I am one of them too, I must have this thing.
A couple weeks back I had seen this young lady in this room with her friends
sitting up.
And I asked them all if they would speak and they all said yes
and they were very willing and I'm really impressed with that willingness.
So I give you Cassie.
Hi guys, my name is Cassie, I'm an alcoholic.
I'm waiting for God to show up and like remove this anxiety.
So my sobriety date is October 6, 2018.
I have a sponsor, I sponsor women.
My sponsor is a sponsor and I have a home group
and I have a service commitment in my home group.
So I'm supposed to tell you what it was like, what happened and what it's like now.
Hopefully I can string it all together in like the correct order, I don't know.
So I, the first time I drank and used was in utero.
So my mom is...
My mom is one of us and my auntie said when I was born, I would not stop crying.
My parents were really good at hiding their alcoholism.
I guess it's just like in the DNA.
So she said I'd only stop crying when I was held and when I got attention,
which is pretty much true still to this day.
So my mom and my dad, all my mom, my dad and all my step parents that I ever had met in AA.
So I'm an AA baby.
I remember sitting in meetings growing up and just wanting to scream like,
why can't y'all just stop drinking?
Like just, it's easy, just don't drink.
And that really like bit me in the ass because I'm here.
But honestly, there's, there's really no other place I'd rather be.
I finally am comfortable.
I'm comfortable in my skin.
So growing up, there's a, there was always a custody battle between my parents.
And finally, around 10, my dad got full custody of me and my older brother.
My dad finally found his last victim that stayed around long enough to help raise us.
My household, from what I can remember, it wasn't that, that violent.
Like when my...
When my...
When my dad finally got full custody of us, it was a pretty simple household.
There was little odd things that would happen.
Like I wasn't allowed to watch TV, but then we'd have like family movie night and it'd be like Gangs of New York
because it was like a history lesson for us.
And I never understood that.
I couldn't watch movies or like go out, but we would have these like really serious family sit downs.
It made no sense to me.
I never felt like I belonged.
I was very uncomfortable in my skin.
My skin would crawl.
I didn't...
The first like suicidal thoughts I had, it was really young.
It was like eight, nine.
And I started self-mutilating.
And I just wanted to feel something other than what was going on in my head.
I would...
I would like spend hours outside practicing soccer.
And just like working out because I wanted attention from my dad.
And they...
Like after doing the step work in the program and realizing, you know, some truths about myself
and like it wasn't that bad growing up.
Yeah, I had some shit that happened.
I was touched when I didn't want to be touched.
I was taken when I didn't want to be taken.
I was put in some really dangerous situations.
But I'm an alcoholic through and through.
I can't use that excuse anymore.
Like I'm a big girl now.
Time to grow up.
What are we going to do about it?
I had...
I have...
Sorry.
I have an older brother and I have two younger brothers.
I remember when they were born.
I was just so...
It was like there's babies.
And I love to watch my parents love the extension of my father.
And I always had them like on my hip.
And I made a decision like way too young.
I'm going to have 10 kids.
I'm going to have a perfect marriage.
And I'm just going to raise all these babies.
And the love in that household was...
It was disciplined.
A lot of discipline.
A lot of structure.
I remember going to school, like elementary school.
And I just wanted to fit in.
So I tried everything I could to fit in.
Whether it be flirting with the boys or...
And I don't know if anybody can remember these.
But those like rubber bracelets that had colors on them.
And if you broke it, that means that you did something.
And I had all these bracelets on and like necklaces.
And I never...
It didn't matter like how many friends I had around me.
I still felt like nobody loved me.
Nobody liked me.
Woe is me.
Pity.
Blah, blah, blah.
The first time I drank because I wanted to, I was 11.
I knew I had a problem when I was 13.
I was at a slumber party.
And I had convinced the girl that we were having the slumber party at to let me sneak into the pantry.
And this girl...
I had gone to a private school my 7th grade and 8th grade year.
And she had like money.
It was like this huge house.
And immediately, immediately my little alcoholic brain was like, I'm going to manipulate the hell out of her.
She's going to become my best friend.
Because she had something that I wanted.
And I was like the public school girl that came to private school.
So I automatically felt like I was better and different than everybody.
Like I'm a badass.
Like insanity.
So I convinced her like, let's go into the pantry.
Let's drink.
Have you guys ever drank before?
They've never...
They never drank.
It was an Episcopalian school.
It was like 17...
No, like 13 kids.
They never drank before.
It was so like...
But I had...
I can be really manipulative.
First of all, I'm a woman.
Second of all, I'm a daddy's girl.
Third of all, I've got all brothers.
I was raised with brothers.
And you know, I'm an alcoholic.
So it was Goldschlager.
That was my first drunk.
And of course like...
Like they barely drank anything.
And I think I had like a cup.
And I remember everyone was...
Everyone had gone to sleep.
Like a normal...
Like what you're supposed to do when you drink?
You had a couple.
I'm going to calm down.
I'm going to lay down now.
I was still wide awake, alone, laying down on the couch, looking at the ceiling and thinking,
God, I don't ever want to do this again.
I don't want to feel like this.
I don't want to do this again.
And like for a brief moment, there was like this weight that was like lifted off of my
shoulder.
Like, okay, cool.
You don't have to...
You know, I felt God like, you don't have to do this.
You don't have to do this.
I'm going to calm down.
I don't want to do this again.
It's like, okay, cool.
You don't have to deal with this anymore.
I'm going to calm down.
I'm going to do this again.
And then like I said, my body was like, okay, okay, so I was like going down.
I was like, what?
I started getting really into sports and weightlifting.
I would like torture my body again, just to feel something, other than what was going
on in between my head.
Just so I could get away from my mind and my thoughts.
At this point in life, I'm 12, 13 years old.
Drinking like every now and then.
Like on the weekends.
A little...
Like when we'd go to the fair.
we'd fill the water bottles up um I was never really afraid of like if we get caught because
I had manipulated all I had like come up with all these stories in my head well she brought it it's
her fault I didn't know what was in the water bottle I was a really good friend it was a really
good friend um so my my my stepmother the woman that stayed around the longest to help raise me
she starts having kids and my two little brothers come out and I get really really depressed
and I don't really communicate it but my parents see me like isolating and always wearing long
sleeves and crying for no reason and locking myself in the room and when they'd ask me like
what's wrong we're here for you let's talk about it I didn't want to tell them I was terrified to
tell them how I really felt I was
terrified to tell them something inside of my heart something inside of my soul just doesn't
fit right um so they put me in therapy naturally and they they put me in um it was my stepmother's
therapist so of course I in my head I'm like I can't open up to this woman she talks to my mom
all day like I can't tell her like she's the bane of my existence like I don't I don't like what's
going on in my household I'm the princess all the attention is supposed to be on me um I start
I start creating like another life I get really into like fantasy books I get really into creating
of these scenarios in my head and picturing a life outside of my family and I had like
made a commitment to myself I'm going to move out as soon as I'm 18 my parents hate me they
don't want anything to do with me meanwhile I'd watched my father go from nothing to
building this life this very place and I'm like I'm going to move out I'm going to move out I'm
going to live in this very plush life this very safe life that that he had ripped me up that he
had saved me from basically from living with my mother um nothing was ever good enough for me
nothing I was given by the time I was 10 years old yeah 10 11 years old I literally was given
everything I ever wanted like I didn't have to ask for anything I didn't realize that until coming
into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous getting a sponsor and working the steps I could see now I
see the truth in all of it
But it wasn't, it really wasn't that bad.
It wasn't.
I would put myself in dangerous situations.
I was 13, 14 years old hanging out with people I did not need to be hanging out with.
I always wanted to be around older people because I felt like they were cooler.
I wanted to be around adults.
I wanted to be in adult conversations and I wanted to just listen to everything that they had to say
because I was so worried about growing up and, like, taking care of myself.
I just wanted to be independent.
I, um, I think it was, yeah, 16, 17.
Self-mutilation starts getting pretty bad.
And my parents start threatening, hey, we're going to, you're going to have to get, like, inpatient health.
You're going to have to get inpatient health.
So out of fear, I stopped.
My skin was still crawling.
But then I found boys.
And I would make these fantasy relationships up in my head.
Like, I'd have a crush.
And I would, like, zone in on that and I'd have sex about that and think that he's going to solve all my problems.
I'm going to be okay.
And I would go after, like, assistant weightlifting coach.
Like, okay, he's not the coach and he's still 17, 18.
And I'm going to be okay because he's going to take care of me.
He'll get me out of the house.
That.
That, like, really good ideas and really good plans in my head.
Was still drinking, but only, like, on the weekends.
And then my father had committed suicide.
And I put my father up on a pedestal.
I made him my god.
He never asked me to do that.
He was, like, my rock.
He was my foundation.
Like, I'd never seen him cry.
He was very, just, like, stern, strict, kept me in a bubble.
Um, I had no, I really didn't respect anybody but my father.
Like, I wasn't really afraid of anybody but my father.
And he was battling his own demons.
Um, just feisty business stuff.
And got caught up.
He died.
He died sober.
Um, but he wasn't living in his truth.
Um, and I was stuck.
Well, I was left.
I was left with, okay, here's the woman that I have no respect for.
I've got two younger brothers.
I've got an older brother who's one of us.
And I'm not doing this.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I'm not going to live in this household.
Um, and when he had died, I was just, I just, it was just off to the races.
Like, I just, the chains were broken free.
And I was living in a bubble.
And now I have all this freedom.
I'm 18 years old.
I'm a senior in high school.
My grades are really good.
I was on my way to college.
Um, and then I got obsessed with joining the Marines because I had, again, a really good
idea of, I'm going to join the Marines.
I'm going to become an officer.
And then I'm going to become a police officer when I get out of the Marines because they're
going to pay for college.
And then after a police officer, I'm going to become an investigator.
And then I'm going to become a lawyer.
And then I'm going to become a judge.
And then I'm going to become a governor.
I don't know shit about politics.
I really don't.
Like, I don't.
And it was, it was just, I wanted, I craved and I yearned for power and control because
this inside of my head was just like a hamster wheel.
Um, there was no, there was nothing going on up there besides insanity and depression
and untreated alcoholism.
He dies.
Um, and I started experimenting and it goes from just like, drugs are a part of my story.
Every time there was alcohol on the table, there was drugs.
Every time there was drugs on the table, there was alcohol on the table.
Like it's, I'm an alcoholic through and through.
So I started experimenting.
I got drinking down pat.
I knew I loved drinking.
Um, I was good at it, but I always ended up alone in a closet crying, but still it made
me feel good.
It calms the demons.
It calms the voices in my head.
I started hanging out with some surfing buddies that I had acquired.
Um, I started hanging out with some surfing buddies that I had acquired at a concert.
a kegger and my dad dies and one of them has experience with losing a parent like that
and I attach myself to him and fall madly in love very quickly way too quickly way too
quickly that poor man that poor man and I move I shoot out of my stepmom's house I have
two two jobs I didn't have any time for education I was like fuck the education I need to make
money my dad's not around anymore I have to support myself I challenged the state I got my
high school diploma and then I just started working and partying all the time like I didn't
see I didn't see a problem with it when when my family wouldn't be able to contact me for days
they had no idea where I was my mom would send me pictures of my little brothers and they would
leave me voicemails um
um
um
my main priority was when am I going to get drunk when am I going to get high again
because I'm not dealing with with everything that's going on inside I'm not dealing with
any of it I didn't I don't like life on life's terms I don't like reality I'm learning to
but especially like I just I didn't like reality I wanted to create my own world
and it revolved around me um I um attached myself to this
man and we get a little like one bedroom apartment and I feel like I'm the shit because
I'm a senior in high school and the first one out of my friend group to move out and have my own
little spot and it was fun for a while like I'd be lying if I said I didn't have fun like I had a
lot of fun like waking up at six in the morning and getting drunk and going surfing you know and
then cops would show up at the apartment because it'd be too loud and then you know I thought
that was cool like oh I threw a blowout like I'm cool um and I got arrested with my ex-husband
the boyfriend at the time for what I don't even know like an open house open party something like
that a little misdemeanor and that was like the first um consequence that I had from my drinking
and that scared the shit out of me um I got back into the mind frame of like okay I'm gonna join
the marines again um
but that that didn't that didn't work out because I was even in more fear because I didn't know how
to be an adult I didn't know how to live with alcohol I didn't know how to live without alcohol
so I'm still continuing to drink I'm still continuing to use drugs and I'm losing this
relationship with this man because I'm freaking psycho I'm throwing picture frames putting holes
in his lips I'm cheating on him non-stop I'm starting to hang out
with just very dangerous ruthless people um all out of fear because I didn't want to be alone and
I wanted to feel protected and he one night it was after a really bad fight and I remembered he was
like I can't do this anymore I'm not I don't want to be with you anymore and I knew the solution to
that was to get pregnant so I trapped him and I got pregnant and I was like yes I'm so madly in
love with you and I was not in love with the man it was just um an obsession and like a control
thing so we get pregnant and we move into his dad's house um I stopped drinking I stopped
all mind altering substances and get back into like church because I thought church could heal
me and sometimes that works for some people but for me church and religion just doesn't work
and I start to fall into that like motherhood like okay I'm gonna be a mother this is gonna
eat up my life I'm 19 years old I got my shit together he's gonna help take care of me um and
I convinced the man to join the military because we're both working two jobs and it's not going
anywhere um he joins the military and then I'm like I'm set I'm set for life like white picket
fence I got a military man we're good I got health insurance and he has a life insurance policy so
if anything ever happens to him because he's in the military I'll be okay I'll be good
we have our child meanwhile after I had my child um I my daughter I um convinced the doctors that
I have really bad anxiety and my back really hurts and I'm on the military post and I get
it's like it was so freely given you know because of all the stress that
that me myself as a military wife was going through
and I'm drinking
and I'm taking prescriptions and my husband is in basic and then in AIT and he's straightening
up his life to help support our family and I wasn't ready like I was not ready at all I thought
that I could just pay a nanny to just take care of my kids because I didn't want to be a mother
even though in the beginning I thought that it was going to save me and it was going to cure me
um so I have a full-time nanny I'm going to school
I got a little part-time job I'm never around my child ever my my husband has no idea what's going on
and then he comes back and I'm a wreck I'm not eating I'm not sleeping when I am sleeping
it's because I literally blacked out that's it there's no like I would resent him and I still
kind of am jealous of him how he can just lay down and go to sleep I don't understand that
um it's
that's slowly coming back to me now like I can I can I can lay down and go to sleep like a normal
person for the most part um so I'm convincing this man while he's watching me drink as soon
as I wake up as soon as I wake up and pop pills that I'm okay and that if we just move if we just
move out of Florida I'll be okay you know it's it's the people it's where I grew up at there's
too much trauma here you know my dad died here and I just can't
I can't be here anymore so you know I tried the geographical cure um but the thing is is I brought
myself with me and I thought that maybe if I moved out of the state into a whole new state
onto a military post where people seem to be somewhat they got their shit together
I wouldn't bring me like it would just be a whole new me because I'm really good at like
reinventing myself wherever I go like I'm a chameleon like I can just blend in
um because I can like um emulate everything that every everybody that's in the military
around me like I can just emulate what they're doing and I'll fit in and they won't know
we move out of state and we get pregnant again um and I am coming off of alcohol and benzos
while I'm pregnant with my son he no one look at me no one touched me that's why I was that I
would just lay on the couch like I wouldn't eat I wouldn't bathe like it was it was it was bad
this is how I know my god is real because when I wasn't there I may have physically been there for
my kids um but I wasn't mentally there like I could I couldn't I could care less um because
the only thing that mattered to me was substances that's all that mattered to me how I know my god
is real is because those kids were always taken care of no matter what I was doing um and I'm
weeping off of my of my
of my husband I'm not providing or doing anything good for this family and then the suicidal thoughts
start coming in and then this plan start coming in it would get so dark where I would have these
plans in my head of I'm just going to get a tarp I'm going to and I'm going to put it in the bathtub
and I'm going to shoot myself and I'm going to wrap myself up in the tarp and I'm going to shoot
myself so that so the cleanup
won't be that bad and he won't have to see it um and I start um actively trying to commit suicide
and that poor man like it was so bad that when they would go to sleep I would leave the house
and I would just swallow every prescription I had and I would park in a parking there's a couple
times where I would park in a um hospital parking lot
so it would be easy to transport my body like no one had to they my family didn't have to find me
it'd be doctors or nurses that found me and they're used to that stuff right so they can just bring me
into the hospital um this one time I was I was drinking I was really drunk and I bought a gun
from a pawn shop and it was really easy to get a gun um I didn't have a record um I had one like
little misdemeanor when I was 18 but it was it was easy um and I was able to get a gun and I was able to get a gun
and I picked up a gun and I had no idea what I was doing because I picked up target bullets
and I went to Walmart picked up target bullets and I drove to a hospital parking lot in the garage
and I had the gun in my mouth but I couldn't pull the trigger I could not pull the trigger
and that was God you know that was God something there stopped me because I really wanted to
I really wanted to um and I went home and acted like everything was fine
like I remember walking back into the house and just fixing dinner and then you know putting the
kids to bed and then going to bed um thinking that it's okay I'm okay I got this under control
it's just a bad day that was just a bad day sun's gonna still come up tomorrow um anxiety had just
gripped on to me and I wasn't talking about how I was feeling and I wasn't talking about what was
it's almost time to get sober hold on um so I start uh going to AA meetings but I didn't know
that you couldn't that you shouldn't drink I didn't know that it started with the first drink
I'm drinking in between meetings um I'm going into these rooms I'm not talking to anybody
I'm not asking for anybody's number I'm just sitting in the back and I'm like okay this
going to meetings will keep me sober and it would for like two days
so uh I'm not talking to anybody I'm just sitting in the back and I'm like okay this
finally go to rehab um my husband my ex-husband was out in the field on posts and they were
training for something I don't big guns and machines I don't know and he called for his
like weekly check-in and I was like you need to come home I need help now I've got a drinking
problem I'm an alcoholic and these ladies at this AA meeting tell me that I need to go to detox so
come home now and he had no way he was like I don't what do you want me to do with this
what do you want me to do he comes back in and I go to rehab but before I went to rehab
I called my auntie and I was like yo I'm checking myself into rehab I need help and
my auntie was like finally and I was like what you don't even know like you haven't
seen me in years you don't know she was like well the phone calls that we would have at
like midnight I kind of knew you know it runs in the family um I try so of course before
you go to rehab before I would go to rehab I would get blitzed um because it was going
to last time I ever drank I start getting into rehabs after rehabs thinking I'm just
going to clean myself out and I'll be okay I don't have a drinking problem I have a control
problem that's it um it wasn't until I uh got into I was um being prospected because
I surrounded myself with a treacherous group of people um I was like doling
headfirst into this like dangerous lifestyle out of fear because I just wanted protection
I just wanted to be accepted and I wanted somebody to love me um that was pretty much
rock bottom for me um I emulated everybody that was around me and everything that they
were doing but I wanted to go harder meanwhile I'm like dying inside terrified out of my
mind uh but of course not having to shove all these substances into my body to go and
perform what we're supposed to be doing at the time but I don't have to live like that
anymore
so now it's time to get sober I hit rock bottom I'm in a very abusive relationship
um and once again I put this man on a pedestal and I made him my higher power
and I start to get into heavy core drugs like heavy core um and there was a point where
when I woke up one morning I was like I don't have a choice I have to put something into my
body in order to function and be okay I don't have a choice um
it was the hotels that kind of did it for me that it was like okay
I think I got a problem I can't control this anymore I lost everything I lost my kids cps
started to show up because I wasn't feeding my kids and my their teachers knew but I was so um
I was in such denial such denial cps starts getting involved and they're like hey are you
feeding your kids but at that point in time I was like I don't know I'm not gonna do this
I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this I'm not gonna do this
eu but at that point in time my relationship with such denial so cps was the benefit of
having an Parents House porque Corner Downs way but at that point in time I was in such denial
such denial cps Urs getting involved and they're like hey um are you feeding your kids but as that point in time
that point in time like who has time to take care of children and who has time for hygiene and
nutrition when I have to get drunk and I have to get this fixed like I don't have time for that
by the grace of God their dad came in and swooped him in and I just I just handed him over handed
him over and I was like okay now's my chance to get help now's my chance I'm going to clean my
act up um and then I um I felt like at the time working on the relationship that I was in was
more important and building um an entertainment label was more important and I fell into the
lifestyle um and then I lost everything because I was only making money to get drugs and alcohol
that was it I wasn't paying bills the electricity was shut off I had no running water it was so
gross I was I'm working on a documentary right now and I was looking at videos old videos that
I have and it was roach infested and it was like you know all those songs they're talking about
the trap house it's so cold da da da oh my god
that's so gross the the environment that I was in was so gross um but thank god like I come into
this program and there's a shift in perspective um I get help finally um I go to a state
detox because I have no money I have no health insurance and I get out and I go back to the
house that I was staying at to get all my stuff and my ex was there um and
I was there for like 18 hours and he uh just did everything he ever wanted to me
and I remember praying like okay god like I'm clean and sober and I'm like okay I get it now
like if the drugs and the alcohol doesn't kill me it's gonna be the lifestyle and for me a
perspective that's been given to me now is it's not getting out of that lifestyle is such a
that can be addicting too um because once once I stopped putting drugs and alcohol into my body
life still starts to happen I'm still having to live life on life's terms like it's still gonna
happen no matter what um and I don't want to be miserable anymore you know I did some really
some really gross shady things to get what I wanted I was um if I saw something that I wanted
I took it and and now I don't have to live like that anymore um so anyways I come in I come back
into AA I moved to LA I moved to LA I moved to LA I moved to LA I moved to LA I moved to LA
I moved into a sober living um right down the road actually and I come in crawl back into the
rooms again and I was so desperate thank god for the gift of desperation because if y'all would
have told me to chop my pinky off I would have bitched and complained about it but I would have
done it because living on my own will and living on my own strength it always ended me up in hotels
getting the shit beat out of me it always ended up like that and I just I just didn't want to do
it anymore I didn't want to do it anymore um I move into sober living and I'm like oh my god
I'm sober living and I get a sponsor and I get a home group and I start building a network outside
of my sober living that was that's what was key for me um and I start taking suggestions from my
sponsor um and I start calling making really awkward phone calls to other women like I don't
know what I'm doing um but my sponsor told me that I should call you and see how you're doing
and how you do it and I'm like okay I'm gonna call you and I'm gonna call you and I'm gonna call you
so I'm here um and my home group just swept me up with with discipline with um honesty and and
taught me like open-mindedness that's a word yeah and service um I start building friendships
and at first they're like I'm terrified
um because I don't trust anybody because I don't trust myself at all I don't know what I'm gonna do
and I don't know what this other person's gonna do but I can get one like I can guarantee you
there's nothing that I can say do thought or have already said done or thought in this room
and in other rooms alike that hasn't already been done like I don't have to hide anymore um it was
like so I'm coming up on three years my first year I was scared shitless I would wake up sick
full of anxiety and then I start taking the suggestions like just like muscle memory like
just get on your knees and pray say the third step prayer do this do that let's do your steps you know
let's do your inventory sit down and let's just get it all out you just you're just cleaning
you're just cleaning the old shit out of yourself um and I start doing this does for the sponsor
with a confident sponsor a woman that I cannot walk all over and I cannot manipulate and I
cannot lie to I can try to lie I really can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't
I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't
lie I really can but the truth always comes out because what happens in the dark always comes to
the light always and nine times out of ten when I'm talking to my sponsor and I want to lie or
I've lied it she just knows she just knows because she's done the same damn thing and there's no
judgment that's the most freeing part like there's no damn judgment from this woman and I thought
that like that building these friendships around me and having a sponsor I didn't deserve it and
that they were going to judge me and that they didn't know me you know like you don't know me
um because I'm unique and I'm different and I'm weird like you can't you
I'm unique so yeah I am there are some unique things about me and I am a little bit different
I'm definitely weird but one thing's for sure there's nothing unique about my alcoholism
nothing at all
like it's not special it's not different I am just a garden variety alcoholic
that took some suggestions did step work and and the more that I pray and the more that I just do
these actions the more transparent and the more that I can start to live in my truth
and I used to like I didn't know who the hell I was I'm still learning who I am at how old am I 32
yeah I think I think
how old am I
I'm still learning who I am at how old am I 32
I'm still learning who I am at how old am I 32
um I'm still learning who I am and that's okay like I can be myself that the gifts of this program
and the promises like I can be myself around my friends I can be myself around my sponsor I've
gotten to that point I've gotten to that point where like I can just say and pretty like I can
just say anything and I can share an experience and like I'm not afraid to anymore but it took
time it took muscle memory um suggested some things of of
some um really eye-opening and just god moments from working these steps you know um one of them
is we got we have to make an amends um to people and I didn't know it at the time but when I did
my fifth step with my sponsor she was like I would say a person and she would say put a star next to
that and I'd be like why well we're not there yet don't worry about it um so she basically like
helped me figure out okay this is everyone you're gonna have to do an amends to so it comes around
the time where I have to go and make amends to people and I'm like I'm not gonna do that I'm not
making amends to my ex-husband and my son and my daughter and I go and I'm so nervous and
um I sit down with my ex-husband and it's not this like huge drawn out excuse me um elaborate
thing it's very simple the steps are very simple um and I tell him you know I can't imagine what
it was like having an ex-wife having a wife and having a baby mother like me I just can't
um I don't
get into nitty-gritty details when I make my amends you know like I'm sorry I had multiple
affairs on you that's gonna cause more harm it's gonna cause more harm um you know um I'm selfish
and I'm self-centered Phil Phil uh and if there's any other way that I've hurt you please let me
know what can I do to make this better and this meant like I was I was scared that he was gonna
be like you did this and you're worthless and remember the time because I'm sure there's shit
that I don't even remember um and all he said was don't do what you did to me to the next man that
you married and I was like what what compassion and understanding and like forgiveness so then
I sit down with my son at that time he was nine and you know I don't get into nitty-gritty nitty
gritty details like I said earlier I'm not going to say you know I'm sorry that you were abused I'm
sorry that I neglected you no it's not about that you know like I can't imagine what it was
like having a mother like me um if there's any other if there's any way that I've harmed you
and you want to talk about it I'm here I'm here let's talk about it and my son you know what can
I do to make this better and my son says mama I just I just want you to be okay I just want you
to be okay and now today clearing like the wreckage of my past whether it be financial
marriages children um I'm building a life um and my kids are actively in my life now you know like
my my ex-husband trusts me with the children at first he didn't want me to know where he lived
he didn't want me to know he don't want me to have access to them because I couldn't be trusted
because I was an alcohol I was an active alcoholic um like I get to I just had them
um
um
, two weekends ago you were there two weekends ago and my network my AA network is in their lives
they're helping me with my children because I don't know how to be a mother I don't um
a a pivotal point for me was uh third step um
um just handing my life over to a higher power you know and mine's God I don't
apologize for that I had religion growing up um but now I have spirituality and that's what kept
me sober um just not trying to do this shit on my own and on my own thinking because I'm not I don't
choose really good I don't make good choices I'm starting to be able to trust myself a little bit
more with some choices you know like I can pay my bills on time now you know my kids are safe
around me now um
I have um friends around me that when we plan to get together we're not breaking the law anymore
and like that's a big thing that's a big thing for me we're not breaking the law anymore we're
not going to hurt somebody and we're not trying to take something that's not ours
you know like and we have fun I didn't think that I was going to have fun getting sober like
I really didn't but like I laughed to the point where it hurts like it I get that belly laugh
that like soul laugh I get that belly laugh I get that belly laugh I get that soul laugh I get that
laugh uh and I truly truly believe it's because God you know like I know that that sounds like
cheesy but like it's God all the way and sometimes I get pissed off at him I get so pissed off at God
and I yell at him and that's okay because he's a big boy and he can handle that
when I don't think what he wants for me is right I tell him that and I'm always wrong
always wrong uh and I have a pretty simple life now
and I get excited talking about it um I think I'm still on fire of like getting sober and still
being sober maybe someday I'll calm down you know but I'm on fire for life now because I want to live
like I want I want to live an honest life I want to be transparent I want to be comfortable in my
skin and I have self-worth now and that that took a long time to get and it's because I've
been doing these suggestions and I I did these steps and I've been doing these things and I've
made these amends and I started paying off my debt and I never thought that I would like work
on my credit getting sober like fuck that I'm not dealing with that do you have any idea how much
debt I'm in um but you know our literature tells us we have to clean it up like people provided
services hospital bills you know college like they provided a service that's you got to pay
it back you got to pay it back that's robbing somebody and I don't we don't live I don't live
like that anymore um and I have like I've got credit now I've got like I've got like I've got
and I've got my own little like one bedroom apartment um it took me two years in sober living
but for me like that's that's a that's a peak in life like I am self uh self-supporting by my
own contributions because that is provided a life for me right that like I can show up to a job now
like I can pay my bills on time now um I can I can pay my car note you know I don't make money
just to get drunk and high anymore
like not I don't want to yeah um one thing that helps too is um just like when I start to panic
about I have to go the rest of my life without putting like with just being just raw dogging it
like I gotta feel all this shit I have to feel it but it's just for today it's just for today
so I can stay in the here and I can stay in the now and I know that God's got me no matter what
so thanks for watching
I'm letting you share
that was awesome
the last night I truly hit a new low
came to and somewhere strange to me
as I roll from town to town can't put the bottle down
I'm not just like it's killing me
so I thought
you need something to take the
it's the boba book or the cup for me
seems like everyone's out
looking at me
uh
uh
uh
oh
oh
oh
oh
oh
A bull always following me.
Feeling like I just can't outrun.
There's demons that are all around me.
There's demons that are all around me.
There's demons that are all around me.
I'm a victim of life's circumstances.
I take every pill from A to Z.
I try to fight it out.
That feeling of self-doubt.
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me.
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me.
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me.
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
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