Frank M. – Newcomers – Writing a Fourth Step Inventory – 1996

Thank you. My name is Frank and I'm an alcoholic. This afternoon I thought this was a microphone. I really did. Afterwards they told me that people in the back couldn't hear too well. That'll teach you to sit in the back. Coming from Texas, what do you know, right? Where's Terry? Where's that lady Terry? Oh, you make good cake. That was good cake. My sobriety date is November 3rd, 1971. And I'm a member of the Lamont Oaks Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. We're located about 35 miles southwest of Chicago. And we have an intimate little group of about 500 to 600 people who regularly meet on Monday. And I'm really proud to be a member of that group. Now everybody thinks their home group is the best group in the world. And that's the way it should be. I just know that mine is. What I love about my home group is that we have a lot of sobriety. We have 180 people in our home group that have more than 15 years of sobriety. You don't find that anywhere. You just don't find it anywhere. You don't find that kind of gathering in one place in a regular time. We have over 100 people who have more than 10 years of sobriety who came to us during their first week of sobriety. Now that's in mind-boggling. Now that one is the impressive one. Because, I don't know, is there anybody here that's got less than 60 days of continued sobriety? Okay. Good. Okay. What is your name, young man? My name is Terry. Hi, Terry. Hi, Michael. Hi, Mike. Okay. I don't want to set you guys apart, but I'm going to talk to you, Terry and Mike. Okay? Because I'm going to tell you a little bit about what I know about Alcoholics Anonymous. And the other people won't matter because they know more than I know about Alcoholics Anonymous, probably. Okay? But you're going to be... I want to relate to you. Because when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, someone related to me. And that must have been hard for them to do because I was arrogant and argumentative and pathetic. Okay? There's a patheticness about ignorant arrogance. Okay? But I had run my own life right into Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's not where I intended to go. Doing my thing my way got me to Alcoholics Anonymous and I never intended to get here. And Mike, I don't suppose you ever intended to get here. I don't believe that you signed your high school yearbook. What do you want to do with the rest of your life? Well, I got to join AA. They can just get nervous. I did it with three of my friends this week, this is under theirdf. Thank God we didn't lose it Great. Yeah. Good. Good. And that's all I ever wanted to do. But I never wanted to end up in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I never wanted to be an alcoholic. So if you don't want to be an alcoholic, that's okay. And I'm just going to tell you some truthful statistics today. I'm sure that when you get here to Alcoholics Anonymous, it's your perception that it was hard to get here, that you suffered, had a lot of problems, a lot of things were tough, and you came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And there's a perception that it's tough to get here. It, in many cases, is tough to get here. The truth is that it's tougher to stay here. It's far more difficult to stay in Alcoholics Anonymous than to come here. And most people that come here do not come here. They do not come here. They do not stay here. And I've been here for almost 25 years, and I've watched in 25 years the dramatic change in the people who were here. On November 3rd, 1971, no one in Alcoholics Anonymous in the world had less time than I did. I didn't have a whole day. I went to bed drunk and woke up half drunk and called Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous. A quarter drunk, if there's such a thing. I wasn't even totally sober. And when I went to my first meeting that night, I was just barely sober. So in all of Alcoholics Anonymous, everyone had more time than me. Some had a week. Some were sober two weeks. Some were sober a month. Some were sober five years. And ten years. Fifteen years. But everybody had more time than me. I was on the bottom. Every five years, World Services does a survey. You're familiar with that? In the last survey, the results of which indicate that I am in the top 2% of all the people in Alcoholics Anonymous. Ninety-eight percent of all the people in Alcoholics Anonymous. Ninety-eight percent of all the people in Alcoholics Anonymous. Ninety-eight percent of all the people in Alcoholics Anonymous. All the people in AA have less time than me. I've gone from here to here. I've gone from here to here. And you'd say to yourself, Boy, that's really great, isn't it? Boy, that's really great, isn't it? That's a scary thing. You know why? Mike, if the people who were here when I got here had stayed, I couldn't have moved up. When I came to my first meeting, they gave me a book called Alcoholics Anonymous, and inside it it said there are a million people in AA. Alcoholics Anonymous, and inside it it said there are a million people in AA. Alcoholics Anonymous, and inside it it said there are a million people in AA. Alcoholics Anonymous, and inside it it said there are a million people in AA. In this fellowship, sober as a result of the things in this book, that means there were a million people ahead of me. that means there were a million people ahead of me. I could not have moved up had they stayed. Even if half of them had stayed, I'd be in the 50% tile, I'd be in the 50% tile, wouldn't I? It's hard to stay here. It's hard to stay here. And it has nothing to do with the fact that AA is a non-profit organization. AA doesn't work. AA works. It worked in 1935. They wrote a book in 1939 and they said it is our collective experience and observation that rarely does anybody fail who has thoroughly followed our path. who has thoroughly followed our path. The truth is that most people just don't follow the path. The truth is that most people just don't follow the path. We will do anything other than what's in this book. We will do anything other than what's in this book. This is the stuff we won't do. And the damnedest thing about this thing called alcoholism, is that it's not just a disease. My understanding is, and my observation is, is that this is the only disease known to mankind that the victim or sufferer from the disease has no enthusiasm whatsoever for recovery. None. Now, on your mic you're going to say, you know, that's crazy. That doesn't even sound right. That sounds like heresy. Well, let me tell you something. If you had AIDS and I had the cure for AIDS, If you had AIDS and I had the cure for AIDS, and you knew that I was going to speak tonight, and the subject was being a cure for AIDS, and you knew that I was going to speak tonight, you'd both be in the front row. And if I said, now, here's what you have to do. You have to do these twelve things. You'd say, when can I get started? You'd want them now. No matter what I said, you would do. If you had cancer, and I had the cure for cancer, there's nothing you wouldn't do. If I said, this is a cure, you'd say, tell me what it is and when I could start doing it. If you were blind, and I could research. Turn to your side, and we can go on and on and on, but not in alcoholism. In alcoholism, the guy or gal who has it, When told, here are the simple, Here's the simple way that you can take care of this. If you will just do these twelve things, If you will just do these twelve things, you will recover from alcoholism. And the person who has the cure says, alcoholism says I'm not ready. I'm not ready to do that. I'm not ready to write an inventory, I'm not ready to write an inventory, to get a sponsor, to make amends. I gotta think about it. I gotta think about it. Where's the enthusiasm for getting well? I gotta think about it. Get a sponsor. Oh, I don't know. I'll think about it. Get a sponsor. Well, Frank, do you use your sponsor? Well, you know, not really, but I have one. laughter laughter Why'd you get a sponsor, Frank? Well, because people kept telling me to get a sponsor. So I figured if I got one, they'd stop telling me to get one. No enthusiasm. See, I've been around long enough to ask the question, people like me have no enthusiasm for recovery. And the only answer I've been able to come up with, after watching almost everybody that I've ever seen come into Alcoholics Anonymous leave, because everybody that I know that came in in 1971 with me is gone. And when I was one year sober, hundreds and hundreds and thousands, thousands came in. See, we have millions of people to draw from in the Chicagoland area. Hardly know anybody that has a 72 sobriety date. The rooms were full. When I went to meetings in 1971, the rooms were full. They'd have big banquet rooms and they'd fill them. In 73 and in 79 and 83, the rooms were filled every year. It's just with different people. And I think that's the reason why I'm so proud of the people that I've met in the Chicagoland area. I think that's the reason why I'm so proud of the people that I've met in the Chicagoland area. I say to myself, why could that be that people like me have no enthusiasm? And I've only been able to come up with these two answers. Either we don't believe that it really works, or we really don't believe that we are what's described in the book as real alcoholics. Because if I am a real alcoholic and I believe what's in that book, why would I not want to recover? And why would I not do twelve simple little things to effectuate that recovery? Why would I want to argue about it, think about it, debate about it, wait on it? Why would I want to do that? If I'm dying, if the quality of my life is diminished by my illness, why would I not want to do something about it? Why is this disease different than everyone else? Because while I'm dying of it, I am saying to myself, I don't have it. Or I don't have it like you have it. Or my case is different. And I don't need to do what you need to do. That's the only way I can figure it. Otherwise, we ought to be charging at this stuff. We ought to be taking these steps and looking at this problem and taking it on. I'm a victim. I'm tired of being a victim. Want to be a statistic? Why don't we just take it on instead of being victimized by it? Why don't we attack it? I don't know. We attack everything else. What? Not this thing called recovery though. It's a mind boggling. It has really confused everybody who's ever looked at alcoholics. That's why most people don't understand alcoholics. And rightfully so. From our drinking careers to our non-drinking careers we're just equally misunderstood. And rightfully so because the message we send out is one of confusion. Okay? And I'll tell you a little bit about my confusion when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. I was 34 years of age and I should have been here when I was a young man. I was a young man and I was here long before that. But that's when I got here. By the time I got here I knew I was an alcoholic but I didn't care. I knew I was an alcoholic when I was in my 20s. But I wasn't sure I was a real alcoholic. I didn't really understand much about my life until I was forced forced forced by a sponsor who intimidated me and forced me to drink. I had to be forced. Now that's crazy. I want to live. I came here to make my life work to find an answer for why I am so unhappy that I have to drink to stand sobriety. And then I have to be forced to take the medicine because I'm a real alcoholic and real alcoholics resist getting well of my type. But my type of alcoholic talks about recovery but won't take invest anything into his recovery. Something's wrong with my kind of alcoholic. But when I was forced to write at four step back in the early 70s I reflected on my whole life. And I remember thinking things that I had never really put in any order. I remember thinking things about the fact that from my earliest recollections of me I've been trying to prove that I am somebody. And I don't know why that was. I remember as a young kid my father who was as I said in the afternoon a factory worker, hard working guy. He had three jobs and never made any real money and all he did was believe the American dream. The American dream is you come to this country, you go to school, so that they can get it all. You see the immigrants never had any idea that they would get it all. They just came here so their children could get it all. That's really true. Because I remember as a kid our family, grandfathers, parents and uncles, they never talked about getting anything. They always talked about us getting it. They were willing to sacrifice the first generation for the future generations. So that no matter how, my dad never went to high school, my mother never went to high school, but they saw that I would go to any university I wanted and so would my brother. And they didn't care if I went to get 20 masters degrees or PhDs. They would work to make that possible. Our job was to do the education. Their job was to pay for it. It's just an ethnic kind of thing. It's not the right or wrong way. But I remember early on my dad explaining to me that he wanted me to be somebody. And when I wrote that fourth step, that kept coming back to me. It kept coming back to me that I heard that one like a thousand times when I was a kid. Five, six, seven years old, be somebody. I want you to be somebody. I don't know why that showed up in my fourth step. It was like the first time I remember me. See, I don't remember a third birthday party. I don't remember what I got when I was two years old at Christmas or four years old at Christmas. What did I get? I have no recollection of me. But I have a recollection at some time, about six years old, realizing that I was to be somebody. And you know, I came to a conclusion. And the conclusion that I came to in that was not that he loved me, that he was wanting to do stuff for me. It was that I am nobody. Do you think when he said I want you to be somebody that he meant that I was nobody? No, it was dreaming for me. He had his best dreams for me. What I heard was that you are nobody and that your job is to be somebody. Now that is alcoholic thinking. And I never had a drink. I'm six years old. My earliest recollection of me is inferiority. Being less than. Striving, somehow, by some miracle. To be equal. And to be equal when you're less than requires superiority. Funny dilemma. I'm writing that fourth step and I'm coming to grips with another subject. And that is that I remember that I learn about God when I'm six or seven or eight. I don't know exactly when, but in my fourth step it comes out to me that there's a God consciousness. I start to think about that. I don't know when you learned about God, but I learned about God from a lady who was dressed in black and white. She came into a classroom that was full of boys and girls and she said, I'm going to teach you about sin and I'm going to teach you about God. And it was like God and sin go together. At least my perception was that God and sin went together. And she said there were two kinds of sin. I don't know what kind of teaching you had, but she said there is two kinds of sin. There is this thing called venial sin. I don't know what the hell she's talking about. She says it's like telling a lie, taking something that doesn't belong to you, not being good to your parents, and on and on and on. She says if you do those things and die, you have offended God. It shows up in my fourth step. I'm 36 years old now and it's showing up. The realization that from my earliest recollection I offended God. God is a God. God is a God. Because I did all those things. Think of that. My earliest recollection of me is that if I were to think about a God, I was offensive to that God. Because I did all those things. You know later she came into the classroom and said that there was things called mortal sins, this woman. I don't know. This is a different religion maybe. This is not about religion. It's about my recollection. And she said that's about other people's wives. I'm thinking that sounds good. I'm not even married. I'm only 10. But I know I'm going to do that one. At least once. Later I found out once is not enough. She said if you do those things and die, you're doomed. You are. You are doomed. You have offended God and you must be punished. That's what I heard. You know it sounds like. I don't know if she ever said those things. I have no idea if those things were ever said. I have that recollection of hearing that and I wrote that down as the earliest recollection of me and a God. And I don't blame that lady or that religion because I have no idea that they ever said that. But I remember that by the time she was talking about offending God that I knew I was involved in secret conduct. I remember one time that lady came in the classroom and she was dressed in black and white and she asked all the girls to leave the room. And when the girls left the room she looked at the boys and she said, boys, God sees in the dark. Ha ha ha. Laughter Laughter Ha ha ha. Laughter I thought, oh shoot. Laughter Laughter Laughter You see, what showed up in that four step as an earliest recollection of me I was fascinated with sex and everything about sex was wrong. I presumed and I knew. And my fascination with sex was limitless. Remember I told you that my dad wanted me to be somebody and by the time I'm eight years old my dad tells me that he wanted me to be a lawyer. I didn't even know what a lawyer was. Nobody knows what a lawyer is at eight years age. I mean, what do you want to be? You want to be a race car driver, policeman or a fireman or a quarterback. You know, you want to be a movie star. You want to be something. Nobody wants to be a lawyer. You don't know what a lawyer is. But he knew a lawyer. He wanted me to be one. And he wanted my brother to be a dentist. He told my brother, your job is to be a dentist. And both my brother and I ended up in AA. I don't think it had anything to do with my dad or what he said. But I never wanted to be a lawyer. When I was eight years of age I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I found out one afternoon that the girl next door and I built a tent out of some old blankets. And I was like, that day I knew what my destiny was. I wanted to be a gynecologist. I ended up a lawyer. I never got what I wanted. So when that lady said God sees in the dark I knew exactly what she was talking about. And I thought to myself, yeah, but he can't see under the blankets. So I made a tent to hide meaning from God. And you don't go out in a playground and tell the kids you made a tent. You have a secret. You have a secret. And that secret is the beginning of the collection of other secrets. And for other alcoholics of my type it doesn't have to be that particular secret. It's that we start building secrets, alcoholics of my type. The secrets have to do with other things. Other people and our own behavior sometimes. What we do to others or what others do to us. But it becomes our secrets. And most of our secrets are dirty. Alcoholics of my type. So by the time I'm not even in high school I know that I'm dirty and different. I know that my actions and my compulsions and my habits are offensive to God. So I don't want to hear about God. Why would you want to hear about somebody who's not good enough? So I turned God off from that point on. I mean, what the hell? I want to survive. I want to be. I got to get out of here. So I strove for the rest of those next 10 or 15 years to be somebody and I got to be somebody. By all the standards of life everybody would look at me and say this guy did it okay. He's got it all together. And I said some of those things this afternoon. I'm not going to dwell on them. I mean, why? They're just bones. Very few of the people that come in are skid row bones. One tenth of 1%. Most of the people come into Alcoholics Anonymous are just people like you and I. Some of them are more successful than others. Some are more educated than others. Some of them are luckier than others. Some of them are older. Some are younger. There's no criteria. And that's not a measurement. What kind of car do you drive? Where do you live? They ask you that at the country club, though. They don't ask you that exactly. They say, where did you vacation this winter? You see? Because the south of France costs more money than Gary, Indiana. And they see you drive up because we only have we only have valley parking at the country club. So everybody from the valet to the groundskeeper knows what you drive. It's part of who you are. It's what you acquire. That makes a statement to the world. By the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous I had made all those statements to the world. The only problem is I didn't feel like any of those things. You see? We talked about feeling like a man and once you feel like a man you never have to prove you're a man but as long as you don't feel like a man you're destined to prove you're a man for the rest of your life. It's the same thing with being somebody. I remember my dad last year he worked made $10,000. I made that the first week. I made more than my dad made in his life in the first year. It didn't mean anything. It has nothing to do with who I am. It didn't get me happy. It didn't give me power. It didn't give me anything because by the time I'm doing all these things I'm also an alcoholic. I'm a secret alcoholic and I'm doing things and I'm hiding and I'm covering up. One of the great things that success does is it gives you license and it gives other people around you a need to placate you because they want your approval because you're called their employer. When you employ people you're called their employer. They can't fire you. It's a nice thing about being a boss. So if you ever get a chance to start on top it's always better up there. But getting there is the tough part. By the time I get out of school I realize that I don't want to be a lawyer and a lawyer was a secondary thing. What I want to do is be a businessman so I got involved in a lot of things. And I don't know about your kind of alcoholic but I'm an overachiever. See if you can't tell me I can't do it I'm going to do it. And if I set my mind to it I'll work 20 hours a day and I'll get there. While you're sleeping I'm working and I'll get it. But I've got to want it. And there's nothing more that I ever wanted than personal identity. I never sought those things. I always sought the identity that those things would bring me. You see when you don't if you're like me and you don't have any sense of self-worth you must get the approval of others in some vain hope that if enough people will come to you. If they don't approve of you you will somehow approve of yourself. So people like me have to always go out and try to be approved of. To be liked. We can't take risks in relationships. We couldn't do this for example. Prior to Alcoholics Anonymous I could not get up in front of a group of strangers and talk about my life like I'm doing this because my fear would be what if you don't like me? What if you thought I was a goof? The freedom of Alcoholics Anonymous is I don't care. You see once you get your own approval you no longer need the approval of others. It's not arrogance. It's just you don't need their approval. It's nice that some people like you and it's too bad that some people don't. But there's freedom in that. That's why an alcoholic could never be President of the United States. I don't care. I don't care how recovered. You know why? Unless you really... Well I take that back. I said unless without... No matter how recovered. Let me say an untreated alcoholic could never be President of the United States. You know why? Even the most popular President had 47% of all the people in the United States vote against him. Now can you imagine laying in the White House thinking how you could get those 47 people 47% of the people who like you? And what they think of you and why they don't... I mean it's crazy. You see I live in an all white or black world. A right or wrong world as an alcoholic. I can have everybody's approval. Everything has to go right or it's a bad thing. I'll give you an example of a typical day of my kind of alcoholic. I don't know. Mike if this is typical of you but when I come to Alcoholics Anonymous if you told me I had 10 things to do in a day and I did 7 of them perfect I was a hero. I mean you said do those 7 things and 100%. And one of the things that you told me to do I did kind of half. And two of the remaining things I fail at. At the end of the day I've had a shitty day. And all I think and all I'm obsessed with is those two and a half things. And I'm wondering what you think about me and who knows. And why I can't be perfect. I've had a bad day. See people who aren't like me if you said how'd you do today? They'd think to themselves well I had a 7 and a half day. That's very good. I had a wonderful day thank you. How was your day? Would there be a response? But from my earliest recollection of me I thought differently than the people around me. I had no idea they had something to do with alcoholism because they never had a drink. I never had a drink. I learned more about me listening to other people than I ever did thinking about me. Or even writing about me. We have this beginners meeting that precedes our regular meeting and somebody asked about it today. We started it in 1982. And all we do is meet prior to our regular meeting and we put 200 chairs in a room. And those chairs get filled and then we lock the door. It's not an A meeting. It's a meeting for people who are new to Alcoholics Anonymous. It's a voluntary gathering and all they come to do is hear the truth. And we have an open door in the back so anybody can leave at any time. The entry door is closed because that's all the room will allow and the fire department will not. We have our meeting in a public school. And at 7.30 exactly the meeting starts and the door is locked and the sign is put on the door. Meeting in progress non-tri. And the guard stands at that door. And the room is full. And since 1982 over 10,000 people have come and sat in that room. And you come there when you're a week, a day, a month's over and then after a year's over you can't sit there anymore. You lose your place. But while you're there the chair is yours. That's your part of AA. And all we do is tell you the truth. We tell you what to expect from Alcoholics Anonymous but it is not an AA meeting. In the 1994, 1984, 89 or 76, I mean 1989, 84, 85, 86, I have no idea. I walked in there one day and I asked the people there to tell me what an alcoholic was. I have no idea the day that was. I don't know the day we started the Beginners' Meeting. See these aren't done because they're recorded and it's some big deal. It's just that what's just happened. And I asked the people in that room to tell me what an alcoholic was and the reason I told them, I asked them, that we might want to talk about it, is because we never talk about that in Alcoholics Anonymous. What is an alcoholic? And I asked them, I said, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And I've asked if there's a definition of alcoholic. I mean, don't you think we ought to at least know if we're talking about the same thing when we talk about things? Don't you think we ought to start with some idea of what we're talking about? Wouldn't it be pathetic if when I said alcoholic, you think of something else and you address that? So you're talking Spanish and I'm talking Russian and all the time we're nodding our heads at each other? Wouldn't it be a pathetic thing? And another neat thing about knowing what an alcoholic was, if I knew what an alcoholic was, I can apply the definition to me and if it doesn't fit, I can get out of here. Now that is tempting to a newcomer. Because people don't come to AA to stay in AA, they come here to leave. We're kidding ourselves when we think they come to compare and relate to stay. They come to here to stay and leave and say, I didn't do that. I'm not like that. Because the part, the most important part of them is, I don't want to be an alcoholic. So we spend, some people in alcoholics and I'm going to spend an endless amount of time trying to tell you drunk stories so you could relate. As if you're going to learn something. Before I tell you what happened at the beginners meeting, I want to touch on that for a minute. Learn something. Mike, I'm going to ask you a question. I'm not putting you down, I'm not putting you up, I'm just going to ask you a question. Answer as honestly as you can. There's no right or wrong answer. Because that's what we do in the beginners meeting. We talk. We have a dialogue. If I had a magic pill that could make you a social drinker, and I gave you the pill, and I guarantee you that if you take the pill, you will drink socially for the rest of your life, and never ever have to go to alcoholics and I'm not. Do you think you take the pill? Period? No, thank you. Okay. There's no right or wrong answer. I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you a question. Do you drink alcohol? I don't drink alcohol. I don't drink alcohol. Okay. There's no right or wrong answer. One says yes, one says no. Let's address the yes. And then maybe we'll have your answer. I don't know. Let's look at what a social drinker is. Now, I'm going to have to describe one, because if you're an alcoholic of my type, you don't generally... You don't have much to do with them. See, alcoholics of my type decide, well, tonight I'm going out. I don't say to myself, I wish... You know, I write in my book, which ones of my friends are social drinkers? I'll invite them out. No, no, no, no, that's not who I want to go out with. So I don't hang around with social drinkers. But let me describe a social drinker to you. Social drinkers meet down the street, and they say, let's stop and have a drink. I say, okay. And they go into the bar, the cocktail lounge, and they have a drink. And then they go home. Huh. Did you ever see social drinkers at a bar? The bartender puts the drink in front of them. Drink here, and a drink here, and a drink here. Now we've got three social drinkers. What do you think they do? What's the first thing they do, do you think? I know what they do, they talk. They talk. They say thank you to the bartender, and then they turn their shoulder to the drink. Did you ever turn your shoulder to a drink? How'd you like to live like that one day at a time? Social drinkers, when asked to have a second or third, know what they say? No thank you. That's not the end of it. They say no thank you. I'm starting to feel it. And when they start to feel it, they say no thank you, I've had enough. Do you ever think to yourself why that would be? See, I'm a student. I study these things. You know why that is? Very simple. Every human being that takes alcohol, in the system, alcohol has an effect. Every human being. Even Al-Anon's. Everybody. Everybody. You put alcohol in the system of a human being in enough quantity, and for one it may be one, and one it may be two, and one it may be three, but sooner or later, every human being will feel effect of alcohol. And the effect of alcohol that they most readily feel is that a change occurs. They start to feel different. It may be dizzy, it may be tired, it may be giddy, but they start to feel different. And the world around them starts to look different. Or something happens. When the non-alcoholic starts to feel the change occur, they do not like that change. They don't want to feel different. You know why? I got bad news for you. They like how they feel naturally. They like how they feel naturally. They like how they feel naturally. And the world around them doesn't threaten them at all. They're in harmony with their environment, and when that starts to change, that man or that woman say, no, no, thank you, I've had enough. I'm starting to feel it, and they're not getting cute. They're telling us the truth. I'm an alcoholic. I drink to make the change occur. And when the change starts to occur, I don't care. I don't say, stop. I say more. You know why, kid? It's because I don't like how I feel. I don't like who I am, and I don't like where I am. And what happens is, I can induce a feeling that changes me from who I am, and changes you, the people I'm with. And I love that feeling. And if I can keep that feeling, I'd be drinking today. That's why I drink. I don't drink because I'm thirsty. I don't drink because I want to ruin my marriage. I don't go out at night to become bizarre and pathetic. I drink for that feeling. That feeling of well-being. Of well-being. They don't understand that. They never will. People who don't understand that will never understand that. We could talk all night about it, they'll never understand it. Well, one day in a day today, I have no idea when it was, because, see, I don't know the important dates in my life. I don't know the day I did the test tube at the beginners' meeting. And the test tube has become kind of my trademark in Alcoholics Anonymous. Everywhere I go, people say, I'm going to do the test tube. Because I've spoken at hundreds and hundreds of conventions. No big deal. I shouldn't be there. I'm dead. And I don't know when I did the test tube, just like I don't know the most important date in my whole sobriety. It's not November 3rd, 1971, I can tell you that. That's just an interesting date. It's kind of a credit date. I've been sober since November 3rd, 1971. Hooray, hooray for you. What's the miracle date? The miracle date is the day that the desire to drink left me, and I don't know the date. I didn't even know it left. I didn't know it left until it was gone. And I suddenly realized that I hadn't had a compulsion to drink for months or weeks or days. And I've never known the date that that left. I'll tell you another one. I don't know the date the guilt left. But it did leave. And one day I suddenly realized I was no longer guilty of my childhood. And I've never had that recorded. All I know is I've just done AA, and one day I realized I'd regretted the past for months. And I thought I would go to my grave regretting my past. So there's a lot of dates in my life. I don't know the dates. So don't think they're inconsequential. I just never knew they were important. And sometimes I didn't even know they existed. And so the day I walked into the Beginners and I asked them what an alcoholic was, was to help them understand, and me to understand, what the hell we're talking about here. Because in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, it gives descriptions. There's no official, to my knowledge, there is no official alcoholic is as follows. There's stories and there's descriptions. There's no patented copyrighted definition of alcoholic espoused by Alcoholics Anonymous as a fellowship. It'd be neat if there was. I guess. So I asked them what an alcoholic was. Now I don't know how many people were in the Beginners meeting. The meeting was new at that time. But I bet you there was 40 or 50 people brand new to Alcoholics Anonymous there. And nobody responded. I said, what do? What's an alcoholic? Nobody's paid a... Nobody raised their hand. Because one of the things you do when you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous is you don't participate. That's one of that other miracle wonders of why we don't recover. That resistance to being well. That lack of enthusiasm. Why don't we participate then when we're new? Why don't we do that? What is that, an arrogance on my part? I don't want to show that I'm dumb so I'm not going to raise my hand? Or am I too good to raise my hand? Or what is it? I don't know. But that's who I am when I'm new to Alcoholics Anonymous. So nobody raised their hand. So I suggested, since they were captives of mine, that the meeting would be 45 minutes long. And if they did not want to participate, we would just sit in silence for 45 minutes. Now, alcoholics, new alcoholics, don't like silence. Not of my type. Because if you're totally silent, in an environment that's totally silent, you start to hear the sounds. You see, when I'm new to Alcoholics Anonymous and there's no noise, I start to think and remember and thoughts enter from the left and right. I have what is known as a great sense of self. I have what is known as a grand central station mind. So I like noise. I like distraction. So when I said that I won't say anything and we'll all sit in silence for 40 minutes or whatever, they looked nervous. So all they did was look nervous. So then I suggested to them that we make an alcoholic. And they looked like I was goofy. And I suggested to them that, like life and recovery, we can make the image of it and seek to understand it through the image. So I said, let's pretend that I have an invisible test tube. And I do have an invisible test tube. And I'll hold it in front of you. I said, why don't you put in the ingredients that you know from your experience and you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous that you believe are prerequisite to making an alcoholic. Let's be in our laboratory. The laboratory is our mind. The test tube is here. The person that raised her hand was 16 years old. And she said, put in fear. And a guy who was 60 or 70 years put in depression. And then it started as I held up this invisible test tube. Put in anxiety. Put in remorse. Put in guilt. Put in self-loathing. Put in perfectionism. Put in inferiority. Put in superiority, one said. Put in anger. Put in loneliness. Put in more guilt. We had a whole bunch of Catholics that night. Perfectionism, somebody said. Put that in there. Others looked funny at that. But I looked funny when one said, put in inferiority. And the very next person said, put in superiority. And yet I could relate that that is the antidote that I've used all my life. To be an inferior is act superior. You're afraid? Act tough. We know the game. Men of my time. And they fill that test tube with all those things. And I'll tell you what did not happen. The first time I did the test tube, and I've now done the test tube thousands of times, invariably, no matter when I do it, the people that fill the test tube always leave me alone. One thing. Alcohol. And they know. And we waste all our time. They have never read the book. They have not gone to all our meetings. And they know, by their own experience, that alcohol is but a symptom of the problem. And we get them in AA and we drill them with alcohol. Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol, alcohol, alcohol, as if this is about alcohol. And we wonder why they're doing it. And we're like, well, I'm not going to do it. I'm going to do it. And we wonder why we run them out. They know. They know when they walk in that alcohol is a symptom. It's not the problem. Because if you take that experiment, Mikey, and you carry it one step further, if you have a test tube, and I'm the test tube, what those guys and gals made that night were me. That's all my life. That's who I am. All that mixed up garbage of feelings, I don't understand them. But when they put alcohol, so if you take that and you start to pour just enough alcohol in the test tube, what do you think happens, Mike, to fear if you put just enough alcohol in the test tube? It dissolves. It dissolves. It appears to go away. It dilutes it. Do you know what alcohol does to loneliness? Just enough alcohol does to loneliness. What do you think? Makes it go away. Alcohol, when I put it in people like me, a guy like me puts alcohol in me, everything that's in the test tube seems to be acceptable, diluted, somehow reduced. I get prettier when I drink. I do. I've watched, shit, I've watched other people get prettier when I drink. Eight o'clock, they don't look so good. Eleven o'clock, they're beautiful. Magic. I'm kind of a coward, but you put just enough alcohol in me, I'm not afraid of anybody. Matter of fact, I'll be aggressive. Forget about passive. I'll be aggressive. I can go from laughter to violence like that. Now, if that's me and you just put enough alcohol in me, and everything that's in that test tube seems to be moderated and livable and less volatile and diluted, the name of the game is to drink. That's why I drink. People that don't know what alcoholism is, no idea that I drink to feel okay and to act okay and to live okay. They think I drink to punch them, to violate them, to violate myself, to be a bad person, to be a bad person. I don't know. To be a bad husband, to be a degrading father, to be an absent father, to be an unfaithful husband, to be a bad employee, to be a statistic or kill your kid in my car accident. They think I drink to be those things. I drink to be a good citizen, to be a good guy in a good world and to fit in. And it works for me when I start to drink. And if I could just get just enough alcohol, life will be okay. The problem is that for some people, people like me, if you start to do that, you find that as it goes on, you have to put more to make it work and more to make it work. And then it stops working. It doesn't all of a sudden stop working. It just doesn't work so good one night. So that night I put more on top of more. And then bad stuff happens. I do and say things I never intended to say and do. Stuff happens. And then I wake up and I say, I can't let that happen anymore. I mean, I don't want to be that kind of a person. And then I put some more in. And then four nights later or four months later or 14 months later, bad stuff starts to happen. And I never say I'm going to stop drinking. I just got to figure this out. So I start drinking differently. I change what I drink. I change who I drink with. I change the days I drink. I change the hours I change. I take vacations. I change. Because I don't want that bad stuff to happen. I just want to be okay. Alcoholics of my type, once the progression, the change occurs and it stops working, it'll never work again. My reaction to when it stops working is to put more and more in it. I make things worse. I don't make them better. But I'm trying to make them better. I'm not trying to make them worse. And the wife who's screaming at me with tears rolling down your eyes, saying, can't you see what you're drinking is doing to us, doesn't understand. I'm trying to get a hold of it. I'm trying to be a good husband. I want to be a faithful husband and a good father. I just can't figure it out. I'm not drinking to be bad. I'm drinking to be good. And they don't understand that. And that's really the truth. Alcoholics of my type. If you continue to drink and you're an alcoholic of my type, when it stops working and you continue to pour alcohol in your test tube, remember the fear that was in the test tube, you'll know a new meaning of fear. Remember guilt that was in the test tube? Well, you're going to earn new, you're going to get a different sense of guilt, remorse, hatred, loneliness, depression, anxiety, all those things get worse, not better. And then there's no hope, because there's no relief for people like me. And that's why people like me, sooner or later, do the thing they know they'll never do, and that is say these words, I need help. I need help. I'm not made to say those words. Everything about me is opposite to say those words. I need help. And many of us try a lot of things before we come into alcoholics. Well, let's do it ourselves, because a man's supposed to do it by himself. He's supposed to figure it out. I guess women are supposed to do it too. Adults are supposed to figure it out. We're not supposed to be children. You don't have to go to strangers and say, I need help. We're adults. We ought to figure it out. So we try to figure it out. And we make pledges and promises and change the way we drink, people like me, all of which fail. And then they say, why don't you try not to drink? And I look at them and think, what's wrong with you? I try not to drink, and then I accomplish it. I stay sober for three days, and then I get drunk. And they don't understand. I get drunk from sober. I don't get drunk from drunk. They want me to get sober. When I get sober, I get drunk. I can't stand sober. I must drink to avoid sober. And they're offering me sober as a cure for my alcoholism. And I'll tell you, you shake your head, but I tell you, you go to meetings of alcoholics and non-alcoholics all over the world, and people like that will tell you that if you get sober, you will treat your alcoholism. And they tell you, just put the plug in the jug and just don't drink one day at a time. And I guarantee you, it is my experience, that if you do that, you will get crazy. Because if all you do is don't drink, and if you have what I have, and that is a conscience, see, there are people in the world that have none. They murder people and they don't even think about it. They break hearts and they don't even think about it. They drop every responsibility that they've ever had and they don't think about it. But I've not been blessed by that. I always feel guilty. I always feel bad. I always feel like I did something wrong. I always got to, okay? So I don't just go through the world just saying, well, I can be sober and then once I'm sober I can do anything else and it doesn't matter because I'm sober one day at a time. See, my kind of sober is if I'm sober and miserable, if I'm sober and violating what I think are the rules, if I'm violating what I think are the right way to live, I can't stand it. So I got to get drunk. So you come to AA and you say to me, Frank, here's what we're going to offer you. We're going to offer you sober. I tell you, stay. And when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, they offered me sober and that's all I got. And for the first two years, I was sober and that's all. But I learned a secret. See, I know how to adapt. I'm like a chameleon. I know how to adapt. You want to make it in AA? You go to the meeting, you act interested, you don't argue with them, you read what they tell you to read, at least some of it, and then you quote some of it as if you read it all. And then when they ask you your opinion on a step, you just say, I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that step, but I think I'll listen tonight. Or if you feel more adventurous, you just give them an opinion. It doesn't matter that you never intend to take that step. It's just kind of neat. And you pick up some chips and some chairs and make some coffee and then you take a birthday cake. Isn't that neat? And then you take another birthday cake. And then they use you as an example to newcomers. See, Mike over there, he came to us and he was wet. And now he's dry and sober and he's two years sober. Mike, you have a good program. What they don't know, Mike, is you're still slapping your wife. You still got a girlfriend. You're still stealing at work. You're still doing stuff that you know or if you're like me. See, I did all those things. I was sober and I'll call us. People said, you got a good program. But I still had all those things. All that shit was happening. I was still terrorizing my house. I still knew my case was different. And a wife was one thing and a girlfriend is another. If you work as hard as I do and you get as successful as I can, you can afford it. Because that's the only difference. Kings had a lot of wives. Because even they changed religion to allow kings to have more wives. As long as each ex-wife got a castle. They called it English law. I'm thinking to myself, why can't I do that? I just buy some more houses. You can say those things, but there's something inconsistent with what you're saying in here. Because you see, if you ever said to a woman, I'll spend the rest of my life with you and you really meant that you would be together for the rest of your life, there's a difference. There's a difference. There's a sense in there that there's some kind of respect for that. There's some kind of a promise. And I could not live with that. It almost drove me out of alcoholics. I met a guy that I talked about this afternoon. He said to me, I was in Florida the day I talked to him. I said, John, the AA doesn't work for me. I said, I'm sober a couple of years and I'm just as bad now as I've ever been. And he said, you don't know anything about AA. He said, Frank, you've never been in AA. I said, John, what are you talking about? He said, you think AA is about not drinking. I said, I know it's not about it. It's about not drinking. He said, AA is not about not drinking. That's why they don't put in the book, Don't Drink. They put in the book, as I said this afternoon, they put the only thing about drinking that's in this book is a statement, Go and drink. This book says, if you're not convinced, go drink. We want you to drink, this book says. This book is called Alcoholics and Alcoholics. It says we want you to drink. We want you to go out, we want you to try some controlled drinking and we want you to try it over and over again until you're convinced. And when you're convinced, you come back here and we'll show you a new way of life. That's what this book says. We've watered it down, but that's what it really says. And watering it down doesn't make it right. It just makes it diluted. And he said, you've been subject to diluted AA. He said, this is about change. And the thing you change, young man, is you. And you can't change you, but God could and would if he were sought. And your job is to make yourself open to change. And all we ask you is to be willing. Willing to allow change to occur. And that's all AA is about. Willingness to allow change to occur. And these steps are designed to make you change without you changing you. And I'm thinking to myself, why didn't anybody tell me this before? And maybe they had. Maybe they had. Guys, I don't know. But I never heard it. I think to myself, why am I resisting change? Why do you resist change? Why do people like me resist change? And I'll tell you what comes to my mind. I resist change because change hurts. And I said that to that man who's sober, was 48 years sober when he died. And he said this to me. He said, Frank, listen carefully. He talked to me like I was dumb. Isn't that amazing? He said, there is no pain in change. The only pain that's in change is in your resistance to change. The resistance is what you feel as pain. Change is painless. Huh. I wonder why anybody didn't tell me that before. But it was me who was in that last relationship and didn't make a change. W Friends when I was 15 years old. I was in University of Toronto. That's where I was. And I remember sleeping in aught but there was thrown hot water all over and I took a shower. I felt like a movie star. well secretly I snuck to the phone I opened the book I had heard the words alcoholic and I called and I got a recorded message and you know how they sound they sound like recorded messages and I hung up the phone and I remember when I hung up the phone I got a wonderful feeling I got a feeling of God good for you Frank you've done something about your drinking and I took an inventory and here's how my inventory I'm too young to be an alcohol I'm too smart you know I'm too well educated to be an alcoholic I'm too successful being alcoholic I still my family intact I can't be an alcoholic I live in this big house on top of the hill and I got this big fancy car and my wife got it out like that close my eyes what is an alcoholic look like oh I see an alcoholic skid roll bum a dirty old man that's what I see I'm not an alcoholic see I took inventory with me I left it in the drawer I left it in the drawer I left it in the drawer I left it in the before I got here. We all took inventories. And they talked, some of these old timers would tell us when we're new, take an inventory. Here's an inventory. Hey, give me a break. We're taking inventories all our lives. That's what kept me out of here. A year later, I take another bad turn in my life and I called Alcoxon a year, year and a half. And I got a live voice and I hung up the phone. As soon as the woman said good morning, I said, I'm Alcoxon. I'm going to sign up the phone. Because I am a, I remember things. And I remembered that previously when I hung up the phone, I got a good feeling. Shit, I found out a good feeling. So I hung up the phone and took another inventory. And I felt good. I thought, my God, here's the second time you've done something about your drinking. And this time it's going to be different. This time it's going to be different. You're going to really promise yourself it's going to be different. And I meant it. It was going to be different. Because when I hung up the phone, like a thousand other times, had you taken a polygraph machine and you put it on me and you asked me the question, Frank, do you really mean this time you're not going to drink anymore? I would have said yes. I really mean it. And the needle would never have moved because I would have been telling the truth because I meant it. I did that a thousand times. I meant it. I meant I wasn't going to drink. This was not just words. I meant it. I meant it. I wasn't going to do that anymore. And then I did it again and again and again and again. It was a match. It was a match. I'm going to do something. It was a match. Just a match. I know we can't smoke. I'm not going to smoke. You know a match? No, there isn't. Okay, you don't go either. You're too close. I'm not done. Thank you. I'm going to do something. I got to shut up. That's too much. Remember I was telling you about Danny, my six-year-old. When Danny was three or two, I suddenly realized that Danny had never seen a match. We don't smoke in my family. We don't have need for matches. We just... The only time I've ever seen a match, Danny's ever seen a match, I guess, was to light a candle. Or a birthday cake. And maybe then, I don't know. So I thought to myself, and I shared with my beginners, the fact that if Danny, my grandson, thinks that I'm God, he really does. I'm Papa. That's what he calls me, Papa. And when he says Papa, it's the greatest sound in the whole world. Because it's unconditional love. Those words say, I love you. Let's say I love you. It just means love. So Danny trusts me. And if I... Now down in front of Danny, and said, Danny, who's three or four at the time, Danny, look what Papa has for you. Look how bright and shiny that is. Danny, come here. Touch this, Papa. You know what Danny would do? He'd come and touch it. He'd be like, can you touch me? And it'd be what I do. It's bright and shiny. Danny would get burned. And Danny would run away and he would cry. Wouldn't he? I think we could all agree. Let's try this game out in our mind. Let's wait a day. Let's wait two. And then I'll go back to Danny's house. Hi, Danny. It's Papa. Look what I have for you today, Danny. Look at how bright and shiny it is. Come on, Danny. Put your finger in here. What do you think Danny would do? Come on. Well, some people, if I've done this thousands of times, some people say, oh, he touched it again. So I'll play their game. So I go back the next day and I do it again. Danny's not going to touch it because Danny remembers and it hurt. And he said to himself, I'm never touching it again. How many times, Mikey, did you touch it? How many times? A hundred? A thousand? Each time? Each time it burned? Each time we said, I won't do it again? Each time we meant it? And then the next time we let it, we touched it and it burned? And we said we won't do it anymore? And we won't touch it anymore? And it hurt? And we cried? Or we ran away? Or we denied? And then we did it again and again and again. And why are we talking about powerless? Why are we talking about unmanageable? Why are we wasting our time? Danny's three years old, for Christ's sake, and he doesn't touch it. I'm 34 and I'm still touching it. That's not about sanity. That's about insanity. Why are we talking about insanity as if it's a debating society or it's a definition that we ought to argue about? It's who we are, alcoholics of my time. You have to be insane to live like that year after year, month after month. And that's what was my way of life. Third time I called alcoholics anonymous, I got a live voice and a lady said to me, what's your name? And I wouldn't tell her my name. I wouldn't tell her my name because I was embarrassed and ashamed that I was calling A. I called the Chicago Central office. And the lady said, I can't help you if you don't give me your name. And I'm thinking, I don't care. I didn't ask for help. I just asked to call. I mean, I don't know about help. I'm sorry, but I have to help to start. I'll wrap this up, but I have to help to start. She asked me to tell her the name, my address, my phone number, my age, and what I did for a living. To make a long story short, I finally, reluctantly gave her the information. She told me what that information, she would pass it on to a member of alcoholics anonymous who would call me at 6 o'clock. This is 9 o'clock in the morning, and I said, lady, it's not going to work. By 6 o'clock, I will have taken an inventory, the result of which is I'm no longer an alcoholic. I do not need help. I will convince myself that I will really mean it this time, and this time it will be different, and I will not need you, because I've been through this a thousand times. She said, if you're that serious, there's a place in Chicago you could go to. She gave me the address, and I lived way outside the city in this fancy neighborhood in this suburb, and I went to this strange address she gave me, and I got in. I dressed up to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. I had just come off of an experiment in drinking rum successfully in San Juan, Puerto Rico, beautifully tanned. It was just wonderful. I had this blue silk suit and a silk tie and blue patent leather shoes. They were in then, that way before he made them popular. They really were. And I had a diamond pinky, and a gold ring, and a gold watch, and I got in my new Cadillac, and I drove around this big circular drive, and I went to join Alcoholics Anonymous. You know why I did that? Because that was what I hid behind. That's what fooled you. That's what made the world know that I'm okay, because I got those things, but I want to kill myself. I don't know how to live, and I got stuff hanging on and going on in my life that if you knew, you would never talk to me again. You can't live like that. So I drive this goofy address that ends up in Skid Row, in a store. It's a storefront building, and I pull that new car up in front of there, because I wanted them to see me come in. I was sure they would know I wasn't an alcoholic, because alcoholics don't look like I look. As soon as I walked in, a young man walked up and said, Do you need help? I stayed with him for six hours. I told him everything I was capable of telling him, but I lied to him too. Because later in the evening, later in the afternoon, oh, it was way past six hours, because it was about four something, when he said, Frank, let's stop right now. I was there all day. I was crying real tears. It was just a wonderful thing. And he said, let's go to a meeting. We'll go have a sandwich. We'll go to a meeting. I instantly knew I didn't want to go to a meeting. Why would I want to go to a meeting? I've been in AA all day. Who wants to go to a meeting? So I said to him, I can't go to a meeting. I have to be home for dinner. I had never, I had been home for dinner. At that time, I hadn't been home for dinner for seven years. Why would you go home for dinner? They're there. They're there. They're there. The wife and those kids, they're there. Why would you want to go there? If you wait a little longer, they'll go to bed. And then you can go in, and you can have some peace, and there won't be that screaming. There won't be, stuff won't happen. Why go home for dinner? So I said, I have to go home for dinner. And he said, okay. And here's my name and number. Call me. And I left him about 4.30, and about 50 minutes later, I got in the gas station to call my wife. I said, Lee, you won't believe what I've done for you today. I went to AA, and she said, that's fine. We're having chicken. It'll be on the table at 6. And she hung up. And I thought, that's a hell of a way to treat a guy who just went to AA. And it really didn't matter, because she didn't care if I came home. She didn't care if I came home. The good thing about AA, is that you can go home. The greatest gift I gave my children was my absence. She didn't care if I came home. She was trapped in that big house with those three little girls. I wasn't there. The bills were paid. She could raise them with the least amount of interference, and I could just go follow my friends, and make new acquaintances, younger and prettier ones. She didn't care. So at five minutes to six, I drove home. I drove up to that big house, and out the door, and there was that woman who I once pledged that I would love till I died. And there was those three little girls sitting at the table. And there was chicken on the table. And my kids had computer eyes. I don't know if you've ever seen computer eyes. Computer eyes are the eyes of children of alcoholics of my type. And here's what they say. What kind of data did Daddy have? What kind of data did Daddy have? You see, because Daddy's either lovable, or he's vengeful. Daddy can scream and holler or kiss you. You never know what's going to happen when. And when Daddy walks in the room, the thing you've got to do is figure out what kind of day Daddy had. Because, you see, if Daddy had a good day, and everything was okay, Daddy would walk in and say, You are wonderful and beautiful, and you're the prettiest little girl, and God gave you to me, and I am the luckiest Daddy in the whole world. But if Daddy didn't have a good day, and Daddy had a bad day, or they hurt Daddy, Daddy may walk by you, and knock you off the chair with no warning, because you left a sock in the middle of the living room. So it's very important to determine what kind of day Daddy had. And I tell you, Mikey, that when those kids were born, I pledged that they would live in a house different than my house, because I lived in a house like that. And I said, Not this time, baby. My kids will not live like I lived. I was right. I was right. And I pledged that it would never be the worst. And I never intended that. It's 6 o'clock sharp. The phone rang, and I heard the worst voice I've ever heard in my life. Here's what I heard. Frank, my name is George. I got your name from central office. I understand you've got a problem with booze. Well, I said, yeah, George, I had a problem, And he says, I want to come over to your house. And I'm thinking to myself, how could I bring an alcoholic into my home? You have to picture this. I live in this big house on top of this big hill. Everybody in the world could see you come up to my house and there's this big circular drive. All the neighbors will see you come. And I don't know how you come. I mean, I don't know how alcoholics come. I don't know if you come in a Volkswagen bus with P signs on it. I mean, I have no idea. I've never seen an alcoholic. We just got this plush white carpeting. I mean, how am I going to bring an alcoholic into my house? That's how sick I am. That's my perception. So when he says, he wants to come over, I lie to him. I say, I can't have you come over because I'm going to a PTA meeting. I'd never gone to a PTA meeting in my life. I had never known anybody who had gone to a PTA meeting. I told you, when I became a lawyer, because I was told to be a lawyer, I never felt like a lawyer. And 32 years later, I retired from being a lawyer and I never, ever felt like a lawyer. I was destined. I was destined to be a lawyer. You know why? Because I could lie with no thought process. I have this unique gift. You put pressure on me and I lie without thinking. He said to me he wanted to come over and I said, a PTA meeting. And he said, what time is that meeting over? I said, 8.30. He said, I'll be there at quarter to nine. I don't have to think. He's putting pressure on me. I said, normally that'd be okay, but tonight after a regularly scheduled PTA meeting, we have a board directors meeting and I'm in the board directors. What time is that meeting over? I don't know what I said, 10.30. He said, I'll be there at 10.45. I said, listen, you might not believe this, but after the regular board meeting, we have a finance committee meeting and I'm the chairman. I'm the chairman of the finance committee. Isn't that neat? I mean, I'm really in the groove now. But I'm the same guy at nine o'clock in the morning with tears rolling down my eyes who have decided that it stops here. It's done. The same guy at six o'clock tonight, that same night is lying to the person who's offering help. Now, there's something inconsistent about being enthusiastic about recovery in that story. There's something about denial in that story. And I told him, I told him that and he said, I'll be there at midnight. And I said, no, thank you. Leave your name and number. And when it's more convenient, I'll get back to you. And he went crazy and started to swear and scream and holler. He went nuts. He said, listen, you goof. Goof. To make a long story short, after he swore every word you ever thought of, he kept calling me a disgusting goof. He said, if it's not too inconvenient, would you answer three questions and I would do anything to get rid of him because, you know, he's recovery. He's help. I got to get him out of my life. I got to touch that light again, that shiny, shiny flame. He said, what are you, somebody important? I said, yep. He said, what are you, somebody famous? I said, yep. He said, what are you, a lawyer or something? And I said, yep. He said, listen, famous, important lawyer. When I got out of court this afternoon, the Chicago office called me and asked me to make this call on you. I'm a lawyer. I practiced law 17 years, five miles from where you live, and I've never heard of you. And I said, what time are you coming? And he said, I'm not coming because you're not worth it. Now, in case you doubt this story, you can go to the Lamont Oaks meeting any Monday night and meet George Cullen, who's there. Every Monday night. I have not added one word. This is not podium flash. Some goof didn't script this for me. This really happened exactly the way I said it. He said, I'm not coming because you're not worth it. And he was a master at dealing with alcoholics of my type because he knew if you tell me I can't have it, you can't stop me from getting it. But if you tell me it's available, to me, I will think about it and it's not convenient to do so now. And when he said I could not have it, I thought to myself, you know what I thought. And then he baited the trap. He said, if you want to talk to me, you come to my house. And I said, where do you live? And he said, Beverly Hills, which is like California, like in the Beverly Hills, hillbillies, a big bunch of mansions. And I thought to myself, good, I'm going to get in a good branch. And I drove to his house and I walked up to the door and I knocked on the door and the door opened and this little ugly guy answered, Frank. He said, yep. He said, stand there. And it was like years. And he came out and took me to my first meeting. That was my sobriety day. Wow. About a year and a half later, we're in a restaurant. And he said, Frank, do you ever wonder why I never let you in my house the day you came? I said, no, George, why didn't you? He said, we had just gotten new carpeting. That's what he said. It's true. Five years later, I used to go to all George's talks. George was quite a speaker. And then six years, in his sixth year, I remember when he told me he wasn't no more an alcoholic and he drank. And the guy who saved my life drank again. And he drank for four years. And that's a true story. You can come to that meeting any Monday night and George will be there because everybody I sponsor is at that meeting. And I sponsored George today. And that doesn't make me powerful. That just shows there's a strange damn thing, this thing called life. And I'm not saying that I'm not in that recovery because one day I went into a drugstore near this downtown center Chicago place I had never been in my whole life in this particular neighborhood. And I went into a drugstore to buy cigarettes. And I had never been within five miles of that drugstore. And I walked in that drugstore and coming out of the drugstore was George. And he was four days into a drunk. And he looked at me and I looked at him. And he said, Frank, I need help. And I brought him to the Lamont Oaks meeting that night and that's his sobriety date. Now I didn't do anything for George. And in the first year, only thing I told George was what he told me. And he's been sober now 17 years. And that's how it works. You got a problem with God, just remember this. Take a risk. Let there be a God, even if you don't believe in it. And if there is a God, God must be all good. Can't be half good. Couldn't be God. And you could not offend God. Because for you to offend God, you would have to inflict a negative on a pure positive. And that is impossible, both in reality and in your mind. It is impossible for me to bring the level of God of God's existence down so that I inflict upon God an inconvenience or injury. Because when you offend somebody, you bring the level of quality of their life down. God is God and I cannot offend God. God never was mad at me. I just was mad at me and wanted to be God. And I could not forgive me. It was past and present and what we call the heretic contact. literally change who you are. I bear no resemblance to the guy who came in here 25 years ago. I don't care if you like me or not. Trust me, you would really not like me then. I'm with that same woman. I'm going to live the rest of my life with her, and I'm going to be a good husband. That means faithful husband. Those days are over. I mean, that's been removed from me. I'm the best grandfather in the world, and my kids think I'm a good father. That's all impossible to happen. I don't know if that will happen to you if you stay around, but you come here not having to hate yourself anymore, and you can just be you, and you don't have to prove anything. If you see people leave, I want you to understand, don't ever buy the fact, sometimes you hear people say, there but for the grace of God go I. It's not right. That can't be true. What they say when they say that, they're wrong. What they say is that God gives certain grace to certain people. He picks and chooses who gets the good grace and who doesn't. How could God, if there is a God, and if God made all of us, and if God loves us all equally, and God couldn't love one more than the other and be God, there would be an inconsistency. He must give everybody the same amount of grace. Then why? Why do some people stay a year? Some people stay a day. Some people come and go for their whole lifetime, in and out, in and out, in and out. Some people stay, I had a guy get drunk the day of his 20th A.A. birthday. Didn't come for his cake. 20th A.A. birthday. One of the guys I sponsored. That's only two years ago. It happens. Is that something to do with God's lack of grace? No. If God gives everybody the same amount of grace, and I assume that he does, alcoholic and non-alcoholic, why do some people have such change occur in their life and some people don't? I think it's because those that do act upon it and those that don't reject it. And the only thing you have to do is to be willing to have it occur. Show up, fit in, do what you're told, and take the steps. Last thing. A.A. is two ideas, not one. A.A. is a fellowship of men and women who together embrace, support, nurture each other, and teach each other. A.A. is like a beautiful hospital. You go into the hospital. No matter if you're afraid of anything, you're afraid of the hospital. You go into the hospital, you're afraid of the hospital. You have to go to the doctors, you're afraid of death. You go into the hospital, and they create a sterile environment which is conducive to recovery. And they put you at ease, and they make you feel okay, and they prepare you for the operation. The steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are the operation. Go to the hospital. Be in that wonderfully warm, wonderful environment, and not get the operation. You will die in that beautiful place called A.A., and you will die of alcoholism. Alcoholics of my type need both the hospital, the fellowship, and the program of recovery. And together they work today like they did when they wrote, Rarely have we seen a person fail. Take it on. www.alcoholicsanonymous.com inaudible . Next I want to see this event An 1982 report by тон or 1 million people I worked with. Tone guys, why don't we hear if it's worth it. And on August 1 what the press released at the time played out powerfully was that it wasилось an향ty to the un였습니다 political movement in a country of harm becomes more and more dangerous.berk sprinted to the streets of America during the day. The networking center on SK Child Health broke down. Theity for four is no longer available. Thank you. by the grace of God, and my willingness to surrender. Somebody gave me the idea that maybe I could believe in something I could never believe in before. Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you very much. I'd like to thank everybody.