Fourth Step Revealed Six Resentments He’d Been Recycling onto Every Person Since Second Grade – Sean S.

All right, let's have an AA meeting. All right, my name is Chris Ward. I'm a grateful, recovered alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the Nava Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one or more years of sobriety tells his or her story. All right, now Tim's going to come up and read a little passage here and introduce our speaker. So I'm looking forward to it tonight, so come on up, Tim. Hey, everybody, I'm Tim. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Tim. Hey, Sam. Good to see you. All right. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I'm one of them, too. I must have this thing. It's great to have Sean with us tonight. I met Sean a few years ago at a Saturday morning men's meeting that I have the good fortune to go to and I've always wanted to get him here. I always say a long introduction doesn't make a difference in the story either way, so I don't want to do that. But it's... I love people that have been sober a long time and still stay very active in the program. They don't take it for granted they've been sober a while. That's something I really admire about Sean and people like that. So, you're at home here, Sean. Come on up. Hey, I'm Sean. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Sean. Thanks for welcoming me here. I'm a little under the weather, so my voice sounds slightly different usually, but it's still me. I got sober on November 12, 1988. I was 21 years old. I was in college. I had 10 days of legal drinking. I did do a little drinking before that. I was not somebody that ramped up. I'll tell you a little bit about what happened, what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. And for me, I mean, you all know the drunk-along part, but I did not ramp up as a social drinker. I pretty much came out of the chute. I didn't drink it as much as I could get my hands on. I drank a little bit. I had a few drinks before, maybe at the age of 15, because my parents did have some alcohol around, but it was not really that available, and I didn't have any friends that were really doing it. But at about 15, I started drinking as often as I could, which was probably, I think about it, you know, maybe up to a... It just wasn't that easy. But when I drank, I generally drank to blackout. Right? Right off the bat. And frequently was, you know, throwing up or crying or, you know, lots of really cool stuff in between getting into various kinds of trouble. When I was 17 years old, I had a single-car car accident after I'd been drinking at a party. Nobody died, but my next-door neighbor came very close to dying, and I came very close to dying. We were in the hospital for a couple of weeks. Nobody really treated that. I stopped drinking after that for a few months. I was a senior in high school. Nobody treated that too much like an alcohol-related event. And I realize now that, you know, I come from an alcoholic family, so I don't think they were very invested in me, you know, acknowledging that I might have a problem with alcohol at an early age. I think I was seen as having bad judgment, you know, that that was maybe not a good idea, but that I should straighten up and everything would be okay. And frankly, I mean, even when I got sober, I kind of thought I was too young to be an alcoholic. I didn't think you could be an alcoholic at that point. But so I stopped drinking for a while after that. And when I went back, that was actually in November, too, and then, like, by the next summer, I'd gone back, and I was right back in it. I do not moderate, okay? And I don't have any illusions about that now. Generally, if I think about going back out, which is rare, I don't want to go back out and have a beer, watching the game, or any of that stuff. I want to do it exactly the way I did it. I just don't want to get in trouble, okay? And I don't want anybody to be angry at me. I just don't want there to be any consequences. But I pretty much wanted to get out of hand, and I want to... I want to get blitzed. I still want to have the blackout and all the craziness. That's how I drink. In fact, I still secretly sort of think that people that don't drink that way don't really know how to drink. And I just think social drinkers are not very good drinkers. And I know that's crazy, but there is part of my brain that just sort of thinks that, and that they just haven't tried hard enough to figure the drinking pig out. But anyway, so I did go to college, and at the university where I went, there was a whole lot of drinking, and I fit right in. Got involved with some outside issues too, which I don't harp on too much, but if anybody wants to hear about that, it's part of my story. I'd be glad to talk to you after. I did a ton of drinking, and I tried. I knew... I did not think I was an alcoholic, but I knew that if I started, that I was not going to be very productive for the rest of the night. So I remember people saying, let's go get a beer after class. But I had rehearsal later on, and I was like, no, I'm not going to do that right now. And they're like, come on, we'll just have one. I'm like, I got this thing. And they're like, come on, let's have a drink. I'm like, look, why don't we just meet at about 11, and then we can drink. And that's how I rolled in college, and it got me pretty miserable. And I was a really good student, generally, and it's just something that came easily to me. I generally did really well. I was not doing that well in college. Not impressive at all. I guess I just kind of lowered my standards. I guess that's okay, right? And then as the years went by, I was in my senior, by the time I got to my senior, my first senior year in college, I was really, I mean, I was wasted every day, alright? And I've been doing that for a while. And it did get me into increasing amounts of trouble. That summer before I got sober, I got arrested in the middle of a blackout. I was very fortunate to get community service on that. I was in somebody, where I was arrested was, I had done several things that I believe were illegal, while they followed me around. And I think they were trying to let me walk back home. And then I started trying to get into other people's cars. And I did get into somebody else's car. I mean, I just don't remember this part. What I remember is a loud tapping noise, and sort of looking around, I'm trying to stick my key in this ignition slot, and there's not even an ignition slot there, there's just some wires hanging out. And I'm thinking it's my friend's car, and I was just very confused. And I looked around, and there's about a half a dozen cops trying to get into the car, because I've locked the doors. And I thought, I had this distinct thought, I thought, be real nice. Because I knew I had to unlock the doors, right? I mean, there was no way, I didn't even know what was going on, right? And the last thing I remember was, I am going out drinking, right? I've been drinking at my apartment, and I was going to go to town and drink. And I got into some trouble. I spent most of that, that fall doing community service, and then things just got worse. And I had a really bad night, and wound up in a treatment center, and that's when I got sober. And that summer, I had stopped right after that. That was a really bad tequila drunk, and I decided I wasn't going to do that anymore. And I decided I was going to take a little time off from drinking and the other stuff. And I did that. I did that for a few weeks, and I think maybe out of two weeks, six or seven weeks, two or three of them, I was really clean. Just clean. My life got a whole lot better. I didn't have any recovery, and I didn't think I was an addict. I was just taking a little time off. And really, my attitude improved. I felt better. I throw up a lot when I drink. I throw up every time I drink, okay? I just drink and drink and drink, and throwing up was just a part of it for me, so I could make room for more. That's how I roll. I know everybody doesn't do that. That's what I did. And so I was feeling significantly better. And I remember having this conversation with myself, thinking, you know, you really better go back and just party a little bit. Just be casual, because if this goes on too long, you're going to think that it had something to do with the drinking. And so I thought, well, I'm going to go back. I'm going to be social about it. I'm not going to be by myself in the apartment drinking. I'm not going to get too crazy during the week. Just going to be social with it. And then I went right back, and I went right back to it. And it was worse. And I think I knew something about myself at that point. I think I knew I was miserable about it. I was supposed to graduate that next year, and I just didn't care about anything. I mean, I didn't care about anything. And I could remember a few years before caring about things. But I had a girlfriend, who was being a very good girlfriend to me. I didn't like her that much. I was about to finish college. I mean, I don't know what I wanted, right? She was a great girlfriend. And I was not happy. I was about to finish college, which I was kind of ready to be done with, but I had no idea what I wanted to do. And I was actually about to flunk three classes, so I may not have gotten out of college if I hadn't quit drinking. I remember that fall. I just couldn't... I mean, it just wasn't working anymore. I was just still miserable. I was still drinking that hard, but I just got more and more miserable. And, I mean, you got to understand, I didn't come from... We were not poor growing up. I was upper middle class. The things I lost were not mine to lose. I spent my parents' money. And I know everybody doesn't have that experience, but that's my experience. And I didn't have any reason to be unhappy. And I was miserable. All right? I mean, I was just miserable. And I don't ever remember being that miserable since then. And that last night... That last night out was pretty crazy. When I wound up at treatment, and I know you guys have been there, I was at the end of my rope. I mean, I leaned towards homicide, not suicide. But I think if I'd stayed there longer, I would have maybe started thinking about that. Because I couldn't think of anything that was going to make it better. And I frankly just still did not understand that maybe the alcohol had anything to do with it. I don't know how I couldn't see that. But that was the truth. So where I wound up was a treatment center back in the 80s. These were very popular. I was sitting there with my mom and my dad who had taken me there. I don't remember asking them for help, but they said the night before I had asked them for help. So they took me to this treatment center. Now I was 21. So I had to sign myself in, right? I was not going to sign myself in. And we were sitting there. And I remember my mom sitting about right there and my dad sitting over there. And this complete stranger, who I don't remember what she looked like or anything, she was talking about, I don't know, I don't know whatever intake people talk about. I was still pretty strung out, frankly. But I remember her saying all this stuff about me, really. And I had no idea how she knew all this stuff, about my life, right? Like, they had not had a conference in advance, right? I mean, my parents were still not particularly on board with this alcoholism thing. It wasn't like I had an intervention. That's just what you did back then, I guess. And I just remember it creeping me out how much she knew about my life. And I thought, this is crazy, man. This is really weird. But I just argued against it. So she was like, well, just come in for an evaluation. Just come in for an evaluation. Just do a really quick evaluation, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, yeah, you know, I can't, you know, I'm in school, I'll have to withdraw, blah, blah, blah. But part of my brain was like, well, you're about to flunk three of those classes anyway. And you might get out of it. And I just remember this argument going on, seems like a long time. And I felt like everything that she said was sort of true. Like, it was kind of true in some way, shape, or form. And everything I had been arguing, I was leaving something out or telling it a little bit differently. There was a lie in almost everything I said. And I could not think of a good reason not to let them evaluate me, right? I mean, I was miserable. And I would probably even benefit from letting them do it. But so we get down to it, and I'm not going to do it. And the lady says, well, you can actually have him committed because he's a danger to himself. Because the night before, I had decided to put my hand through a window. So I had my hands all bandaged up. I got all these stitches in my hand. And my mom said, well, that's what we'll do then. And my dad, who was sitting on the other side of her, said, no, we won't. And I knew I didn't have to go. And I knew I had argued well. There was this long moment in my memory. And I just felt like, I might be making a big mistake. That moment, I don't know how to explain it. I just thought, you might really be making a big mistake here. Because I knew that I had just, I don't know how I convinced my dad, but I knew it was a lie. I think, I don't even know. Maybe I wanted there to be something better. I have no idea. So I signed myself in for the evaluation. And the way the evaluation goes is, if you're there, you're an alcoholic, right? I mean, it was not a complicated evaluation. I took some tests. I was in until the insurance ran out 28 days later. But frankly, it was helpful to me. Because in that treatment center, they told us we had to go and sit in the classroom every day. I was in classroom mode as a student. And I kind of paid attention. They wouldn't let you have any other books or anything. So you're kind of sitting there. And they, they told me about the science side of it. They told me about the science of addiction. They told me about, you know, the likelihood. I remember them telling me to look in front of me and behind me and then left and right and then diagonally front and back with ways. And they said, statistically, if you die sober, everybody you just looked at dies drunk. They said, people don't make it. Odds are really bad if you got addiction that you're going to stay sober. And so, do what you want. But those are your odds. And for me, that has obviously stuck with me. I think about that. And when I went back a year later, there were like one or two people that I knew from treatment that were there even a year later. Like I went back to the, you go back a year and you can see everybody or whatever have like, I don't even know what they call it. The place doesn't exist anymore. So, but like, you know, family day or whatever. I did, I guess I did some version of the first three steps in the treatment center. I started going to meetings and when I got out, I mean mainly what they did there in treatment was expose me to the 12 steps and convince me that their success rate was directly related to how many people they could convince to go to a 12-step program. Okay. And they said that if you make it, you're going to be going to a 12-step program and you got to get a sponsor. I mean, they told me the basics. So I, I came out of there and I was actually pretty scared at that point. It was kind of stark raising sober into a few AA meetings. It was relatively easy to stay sober in treatment. There were some people using and drinking, but I mean, it wasn't hard to avoid. Most people weren't. Okay. And it was an adult program. Most of those people had probably signed themselves in. So, I think they just left. Like I could have left if I'd wanted to. It was a little tricky because I kind of started to try to leave one time and they, they did make it a little tricky. But, so, I came out and I went to a meeting and I remember going to that meeting, that first meeting out of treatment and I was scared and I sat down and they had all these card tables. It was a big meeting. All these card tables and they were going to have a speaker and there was this guy sitting across the table from me. I mean, I'm just sitting there and I'm just kind of looking at him and he looks at me and he's like, Hey, how you doing? And I'm like, Hey, how you doing? And he's like, Hey, yeah, okay. And that was my first sponsor. That's who I had when I was living in Raleigh, North Carolina. And that worked out just fine, you know. So, I encourage people, my experience is, I'm not sure it's necessary that you pick a really great sponsor or pick the person you're going to be best friends with for the rest of your life. But, you know, if there's somebody available that has been through the steps, you might benefit from, from going through the steps with them because that's what I did. And I, he took me through the steps. It was very helpful. In early sobriety, a couple things that I was told and, and that, that really helped me was go to 90 meetings in 90 days. And I don't see that in the literature anywhere, but going to a whole lot of meetings helps. And, and my experience with that is, I don't like being an outsider. So, if I go to something every day for 90 days, just about anything, I'm not the outsider. I'm not the new guy. After 90 days, there's going to be a whole lot of people that have less time than me. And, I did that, I think I did, I think I did 90 and 90 twice. And I missed some days and went to some extra meetings. But for me, getting involved and hanging out in AA was very helpful. I found it helpful to have a sponsor and to call them. And, I also collected up a bunch of phone numbers, called those folks. I did what my sponsor said. It was not that complicated. And my life got better. Now, I will say in early sobriety, I don't know when this stopped, but it was a close call every day. I mean, I thought about drinking every single day. And I thought about it a lot. And I stayed really, really busy. Okay. I was either on my way to my job or at my job, which I did not go back to school full time. I've still taken, I took some, I took a couple classes still to stay in. But I was working and I was, or I was at school, or I was on my way to a meeting, or I was on my way to dinner with people after the meeting, or coffee, or I was on my way home. And that's what I did. For me, I think that was very important. Because whatever I was doing, at least half the time, I was probably thinking about drinking. I mean, I just thought about it. I did it all the time. So, I was thinking about it all the time. And I did not, it had been a while since I was used to not being, not being wasted. So, I did like feeling better, but my head was pretty fuzzy. I remember kind of driving along at some point in the first few months and sort of just coming to, and I'm about to hit a parked car. Like I'm just driving along and I don't know, I started daydreaming or something. And I mean, I'm just about to run into a parked car. There's nobody else on the road. So, I don't know exactly, I don't know exactly when that started getting better. But sometime around a year, things got a lot better in my head. And my, my brain got a lot sharper. I was very fuzzy headed for a long time. And I wondered if I had damaged my brain that I was not going to be, because I remember being kind of quick and kind of sharp. And I thought maybe, maybe I had really damaged it and I wasn't going to be that way anymore. And, and it, it did take a while. I don't know. I don't know if it was, I don't know. I don't know about how long it takes for stuff to get out of your system, but it took a while for me. And, but sometime around a year, I did feel a whole lot better and I did get a lot sharper. I remember losing my keys, which is unusual. And I thought, I thought, gosh, where, where are they? And I retraced my steps like what I'd done since I came home. I thought about this, this, this, this, and like I walked over and picked up a hat off the table and there were my keys. Man, I'm back. Man, I can remember stuff now. That was like eight things I remembered. And, and I, I found that to be a very good experience. So for me, that, I, I was having more success with a lot of things. So then after, a little bit before that first year, I did go back to, to school full time. I did keep a job and I believe, yeah, I kept a job and stayed busy. And, and I did, I did graduate that one year sober at college. So I do remember some of college. And I don't really put that on my resume, but like those first four years of college, I don't really remember that much. Not certainly very much from the classes I took, right? And not enough that you would think, I'm going to hire that guy. You know, you think, man, that guy wasted college. And, but that last year was better. And actually, that was a good thing for me. Oh yeah, I remember one other thing from early sobriety. At a meeting that kind of blew my mind. Because I think that once I, once I realized, kind of, I started to think, maybe I really am an alcoholic in treatment. And I, and I started thinking, man, I might really be screwed on this thing. And if it, if it really is, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, this is just going to get worse. And it's already the worst I've ever felt, right? Like I feel terrible. And, and I thought this, I might really be in some trouble. And, and I, I, I remember those first meetings. It was almost like everything everybody said applied to me. Right? Like I was just like, man, that idiot over there that I think looks stupid, just said something that's like, you know, word of God to my head. It's like, genius. It's what I needed to hear. And I, and I, I, that was my experience. And then I, I remember sitting at a speaker meeting. And it may have been that same meeting as the first one. But like, I mean, on a different night. But there, there was a woman up there telling her story. And at some point, she had thought that she had a, a rare blood disease or something. Because she kept having bruises all over her body. Right? And, and it turns out she was just falling down all the time. And I thought, I mean, I remember still sitting there and like, and I looked down and I didn't have any bruises. Right? And I thought, holy crap, I can't believe it. Because I thought maybe I was a hemophiliac or something. Because I mean, I have bruises all over. Right? I have bruises on my legs, my arms. And, and I had thought that. And that was something like I had forgotten until I heard it come out of someone else's mouth. And I'm like, man, that was crazy. How did I not notice how messed up my life was? Right? I mean, how did I not put, put it together? It's almost like everybody else in my life must have just thought I was an idiot. Right? Because how could I not see what was going on? And, and I really only remember one friend mentioning it to me about a year before I got sober. And he did mention AA. He said, this research did this paper on this group called Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, they help people with drinking problems. You know, maybe you should go to one of those meetings. And I was like, yeah, maybe I'll do that. And I was like, you know, I saw him again a week or so later. And he was like, I thought you were going to AA. I'm like, ah, fuck that. I'm not doing that. And, you're crazy. What do you know? And, and so, I think the timing for me was, was very good. I recognized it. And, and I didn't know what was going to change. And so, what I did when I came out was, I went to, I went to AA meetings. And I, and I, I did what my sponsor said. And when I moved, I did just move about a half hour away back to college. But, I got a new sponsor in that town. And, and I hung out with a bunch of young people. I mean, there were young people in the 80s in, in AA. And, I was told early on, I don't know if people say that now, but, I was told early on, I don't know if people say that now, but, I was told early on, I don't know if people say that now, but, but I was told to hang out, to split my time between people that had been sober a long time, and other people that were young, and that were just getting sober. And, and I think for me, that was actually really good. Because, I had the old timers, that were trying to help, that were telling me all the true stuff, helping me see stuff about myself. And then I had this other group of people, that were thinking about using all the time, just like me. And we could all complain about our sponsors. And we could all complain about, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, all the bullshit, the bullshit that they were telling us to do. And, so there was this kind of camaraderie, ah, in both ways. And, when I look back on it now, you know, it was kind of an awesome time. Okay? Because, ah, getting sober is hard. Getting sober is really hard. ah, it's very confusing. When your problems, are centered in your brain, you can't trust your own brain. That's a really bad place to be. Right? And, come, the people that can help you also have that same brain problem, right? So you've got all these crazy people trying to help each other, some just a little further away from the drink. I mean, it's a miracle anybody gets sober, right? So I don't know how people do it exactly. But for me, showing up with a group of people that have the same problems and that are at least trying to be honest about it, even if they're not, is very helpful. And it has changed things for me. And one thing that I do think was clear to me was that I was actually improving, that I had been causing a lot of my own problems. As I worked through the steps, as I got through the fourth step finally and did the fifth step, I saw these patterns in my life. It was about three and a half years, and my third sponsor, because I moved again, and I wasn't... I mean, I was just at the time in my life when I moved. I wasn't running from anything. I don't think those were geographics. I wasn't particularly miserable. It's just the next thing was I'm going to move somewhere else after school. About three and a half years after another move, I did, in Denver, I did actually get pretty miserable because I didn't get very connected. And I got a new sponsor at that point. And I saw the guy at a speaker meeting, right? Just a word of warning. If you're thinking about asking me to be your sponsor, because you like something in my story, you might not. It'd be a good idea. I picked this guy out. He seemed like a really easygoing sales guy. And really just a nice guy, fun story, lots of jokes. So I was miserable, and I made this deal with God that if he helped me pick out a sponsor, I would do what the guy said as long as it wasn't illegal. And I picked this guy, and he was a big book bumper. I mean, he was a real hard-ass big book bumper. And he went to a group out there called the Four Horsemen, right? I mean, they were... They weren't playing around with the steps. They weren't playing around with the big book. I got that guy, and I realized really quickly that I didn't particularly... I don't know that I particularly wanted him to be my sponsor or that his style would be something I liked. So I always had to drive out to his house, which was out in the middle of nowhere. It was a long way from my house. He didn't meet me anywhere. I had to drive out to his house. And I remember early, we sat down, and we started reading the big book. And he basically started reading the big book to me. Okay? And I was like, yeah, maybe you don't know. I mean, I got three and a half years sober at this point. I've read the big book, and I thought we were going to have this conversation. So he starts reading it to me and starts pointing out things I should underline and all this stuff. Like, I'm brand new. And I was kind of like sharing back with him things, my experience, right? And he turned to me at one point very early. I mean, like, very early. He just said, you know, Sean, if I give a shit, what you thought about any of this, I would ask you to be my sponsor. That is literally what he said to me. And I'm sitting in this guy's basement out in the middle of nowhere, right? In Colorado. I don't have any friends or family or anything. I'm sitting there, and I'm like, am I about to get into a fist fight with this guy? Because I'm not used to people talking to me like this. It's another kind of moment for me. And I thought, okay. And I just said, okay. And I listened to him read me the big book. He pointed out all the things that he wanted me to see in the big book. And when we got to the fourth step, we did it exactly like it's written in the book. We did not, we didn't, I don't know exactly what my first two sponsors were doing. I don't think it was bad. Maybe they were trying to help a young person get through some of this stuff. But frankly, when that guy took me through the steps, the way they were written in the big book, that radically changed my life. So I was sober for three and a half years. But when I got through the fourth and fifth step and the subsequent steps with this guy, and I did a very thorough fourth step, my life was never the same after that. I saw patterns in that behavior that, I mean, by the time I was halfway through the fourth step, we got that list. I mean, pretty much, I knew, I mean, it was like, I only had about six, things, right? I only had about six things I was angry about. And I was just putting it on everybody. And so I had like abbreviations for everything that was going on and for what my part was in these things. I'm having the same damn argument every day with different people that I've been having since I was a little kid, probably. I mean, some of my stuff went back. He encouraged me to go back really far. I'm not saying everybody does this, but I had people on my fourth step from, you know, second grade, okay? And it's the same damn argument, right? I'm pissed off about the same thing, okay? For me, that changed things. And it didn't immediately make all that stuff go away, but it made a bunch of it go away. And it changed my perspective on what was going on with other people. You know, I mean, I think a lot of times people think they're having an argument with me. Maybe they're having a shouting match with their dad from when they were three. I don't know. But there is something to it. I was a lot less complicated than I looked initially to myself. That was very helpful. You know, I never got to be very good friends with that guy. And I did move to Atlanta in 1994. But I'm very grateful to that guy. If you find yourself being taken to the steps, and it is varying too much from what is in the big book, I would encourage you to get with somebody that knows how to do the steps like they are in the big book. That was very helpful to me. That is still how I think about and talk about steps. I'm not saying other people's ways of thinking are not good. But that changed my life. There was no looking back. Now, I continue to stay involved in AA. When I moved to Atlanta from Denver three years after that, I also had a rough time connecting. And I realize that's a pattern. If anybody is thinking about making a major move, it's tricky. Even if you're sober and even if you're working the steps. I heard someone else who moved down here from the north somewhere say that her sponsor told her to treat herself like a newcomer. She was complaining that everybody down in Atlanta was like, Oh, hey, how you doing? Nice to meet you. Are you new? And she's like, you know, they're all treating me like a new. I'm a newcomer. I got all this time. And her sponsor was like, well, why don't you treat yourself like a newcomer? And I've always thought of that since then. I haven't moved. But I think the idea of going and getting in the middle of the bed again and getting involved again is probably really helpful. For me, staying connected is really important. I go to three meetings a week right now and sponsor some people. Sometimes people are surprised I still go to AA after all these years. I'm telling you, I miss a couple of meetings. I turn into a real jerk. I go right back to my old behavior, except for the drinking so far. I don't want to do it. And the more I, the longer I live sober, the more I see myself and other people that are drinking, like the more I'm out there in regular life, especially around the world. Especially around the holidays that we just got through. I see all these people that don't really know how to drink that well. And they're just kind of assholes. And I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be like the social drinkers. They're jerks. And I sure don't want to be like the people that are drinking like I drink. I mean, those guys almost lose their job at the company party. And I want to stay sober. And I notice it. I really notice it. I notice if I get away from it. I didn't used to feel that way, necessarily. And I'll tell you, the closest I think I ever came to drinking was at about 10 years. I was dating a young woman who was a little younger than me, who was still doing a good bit of partying. So it was kind of driving me crazy when she was out partying without me. I was not psyched about that. Also, her family was pretty well off. And they threw a lot of parties. They're a very social family. So I'm hanging out with this family that's pretty much partying all the time. And they're cool with me not drinking. But I feel like a fish out of water. I mean, the reality is I'm the only guy in the room that's not drinking. And I did that for about a year. And I really like this girl. Honestly, she was great. But we were not necessarily a good match. So after about a year of dating her, I was driving to my second job. I had a full-time job and I had another job. As a waiter. Because this girl was kind of expensive. And I was on my way to the second job. And I remember the intersection. I'm on my way to it. And I just thought, You know, you got sober too young. That's fucking crazy. You're not an alcoholic. There's no way you're not an alcoholic. It just snapped in my brain. And I never think that. I thought, I wish I could do it and not have the consequences. But I never think, I'm going to go have a beer. I was like, I'm going to have a beer watching the game tomorrow. And I mean, it's the middle of the summer. There was no game. What was I going to watch? Like tennis? I don't even know what is on TV in the middle of the summer. So I was thinking that. And I was thinking that the whole time I was serving drinks as a waiter that night. And I went home. It was around midnight. And I called. I knew I was supposed to call another alcoholic. So I called a friend of mine. Now this is 10 years. Still going to meetings. And I called another alcoholic that was back out drinking. To make sure that it was okay out there. All right? And my friend Craig said, yeah, seems to be fine. What's kicking my ass is the cigarettes. I can't quit smoking. He said, but you know, if I was an alcoholic and it wasn't okay out here, would I tell you that? So I mean, how can you trust what I'm saying? And I was like, yeah, thanks Craig. And so then I think out of fairness, I decided to call another sober alcoholic. Which was a woman that I actually used to party with. And got sober about the same time. As I did. I called her and I'll tell you now. It's a little diabolical because she has a sleep disorder. She doesn't usually answer the phone late at night. She usually answers the phone only till about nine. And I called her and she picked up the phone. And I remember exactly what I told her. But, and I don't remember exactly what she said. But I'm telling you, I did not think I was an alcoholic. It was not in my frame of mind that I am right now. And she, what I remember her saying is, well, you can do whatever you want. But I'm not signing off on your bullshit. It's on you. You already admitted you're an alcoholic. You can't take it back. Alright? It's an admission. You did it. And she said, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it. But, you know, I partied with you. You know, it's not a mistake that you're here. And I'm just not signing off on it. And you know what? I knew who I was again. At the end of that conversation. And I woke up the next morning. And I went to a meeting. And I knew I had to make some changes in my life. And I knew who I was that next morning, too. It kind of creeps me out because I could have woken up and not known who I was again that morning. And I'm telling you, I was going to go drink. I have no idea why I didn't just drink that night. I think part of me, I don't know, man. I just, I don't, I don't know. But that, that's what ten years of being in good habits did. I called another alcoholic that was drinking. Right? And I was sponsoring people. Right? It's not like I was bullshitting around. I mean, I got to tell you, it is insidious. And I don't, I'm sure I still take it for granted. But I don't think I take it for granted as much as I did then. I guess it's about time for me to wrap up. I will say that since that time, my life has continued to get better. My jobs have continued to get better. And I didn't get a good degree in college. Okay? I got a degree that lets you apply for, you know, shit jobs. Right? Work your way up. So I have continued to get opportunities. And it turns out, what I've noticed is, if you stay sober, if you are a sober person, you generally show up to work a lot more than a whole lot of people. And a whole lot of people are actually drinking some. And it kind of messes them up as they get older. They're not that good. And my jobs have gotten better. I eventually ran into a woman that I ended up marrying. And I'm happy about it. That's a good thing. And she initially told me, first of all, that she was never getting married. That was really early. I said, that's okay. Can we still go out? And then she also announced that she was never having kids. Right? And I kind of wanted to get married and have kids. And I said, yeah, that's cool. Because I really have been trying for a while to be a good boyfriend and was not sticking with anybody. And I, you know, we ended up getting married. And actually, not on accident, we have two kids now. And I have a two-year-old and a six-year-old. That may not sound like fun to you guys. Or some of you guys. But I was ready, in retrospect, I was ready for that stage of my life ten years before it happened. And it is great. If you don't have kids, I am sure you will have a great time. I'm sure I would have had a great time. If you have kids, it's a great time. And I think the common thing for me is that I'm sober. And that's a big deal. And my kids didn't see me drink yet. You know? They didn't see me drink yet. They've seen me be an asshole. But I know that I'm doing that a lot less than I would have been if I was still drinking. And I am very grateful for that. My life is very different. Because I'm way past 30 now. And I didn't think I was going to make it to 30. Back when I was drinking. So thank you all very much. Thank you for the opportunity. All right. Thank you so much, John. Kat. Come and do the chips. Hey, y'all. I'm Kat. I'm an alcoholic. Here we have a chip system. If you're coming in or coming back. We have a white chip. Any other takers? After 30 days and 30 nights. We have a silver chip. Any other takers? Red chip. Three months. White chip. Three months. 90 days. Whichever is first. Yellow chip for six months. Green chip for nine months. And blue chip for years and multiples thereof. All right. Thank God for the chips you have. All right. Thank you one and all for joining the blue chip speaker meeting tonight.