Fourth Step and the Fourth Column – BB Workshop – Part 2 of 2 – Mark J.

About the lie in the third column. Security. I need her to stay, to exist. Without her, I am nothing. Who's nothing? The perfect boyfriend could no longer exist if she leaves. You'll get the feel of that when he does the theater of the lie. Also remember that up to page 64, the line that says we listed people, institutions, and principles with whom we were angry. All we've done up to page 64 is make considerations and questions. This is the first instruction and I was told don't go past any instruction until it's done. So we had done all this work with one, two, and three. We got on our knees and we did the prayer and he read what Mark read about resentment. We listed people, institutions, or principles with whom we were angry. Have you done that? No. Go home and call me when you're done with that list. I came back with that list. My first list was big because that's what needed to come out. If your first list is small and that's what's coming out, that's what came out. You trust God with your list. And if you're a sponsor, don't edit anybody's inventory. That's playing God. If a big list needed to come out, that's what needed to come out. They said a prayer, they trust God, trust God that they trust God. You trust God that they trust God. Something's happened to them in 1, 2, and 3. I've had librarians who had a bigger list than criminals. Criminals do it all out here. Librarians do it all up here. Passive people have a lot bigger inventories than aggressive people. Aggressive people get it all out. They'll just punch you. They'll just knock your ass out, right? Passive people go home and think about it for decade after decade and build volumes of it. Second instruction, second column. We asked ourselves why we were angry. He said, go home, take the first name off the list, put it on a piece of paper, don't worry about saving any space and just let it flow. A, B, C, D, when they do this, when she did this, when she didn't do that, when they didn't say this. Next one. A, B. Some you'll have ten, some you'll have one. You don't need to be wordy. You don'T need to put, I was walking down the street on June 4th, 1976 and he came up to me and said blah blah blah and then he punched me in the mouth. You just put, he punched me inthe mouth. But you DON'T need to general too. He's a jerk. You should be a little more specific. He lied to me about blah blah bla. I'm going to throw an idea out there that might come true for some of you a little later. The first two columns are all lies. There's no truth in the first two columns, and I'll show you what I mean by that. So you go home and you do the second column on everybody. Then you come back and you'll find that in most cases we're going to look for seven in here. Self-esteem, pocketbook, ambition, personal relations, sex relations were hurt or threatened. So you were angry. You were burned up. Then they repeat themselves a little bit. On our list we said opposite each name. at our self-esteem we already got. There's a new one, security, ambition they've already given us, personal relations they've уже given us sex relations. And where do you find pride? You find pride in the example all the way down at the bottom of with the wife. So we found seven self-esteem, pride, ambition, security ,personal relations, sex relations pocketbook. So I just ask myself. I go home and I have these first two columns. I take the first name off the paper. I put it on a new piece of paper. Let's do one resentment per page of paper, paper. Don't be afraid of paper paper. Doesn't need to scare you. Do one. If you have 10 resentments toward Charlie, that's going to be 10 pieces of paper full pieces back in front. I've seen people who try to take 10 resentment with 10 third columns crunched in together. No room for the fourth column because your ego doesn't want you to see the truth. So I take the first name off the list, Sally. The first lettered second column, I letter the second column. A, B, C, D, E, F. I take Sally, A, left me. Self-esteem, pride, ambition, security, personal relations, sex relations, pocketbook. Leave the back blank. If you can do the extended third column, great. If it's your first inventory and you get lost in the third column fine, just put the words. what areas of self were hurt, threatened, or interfered with. I usually find all seven. We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. Now a lot of people will tell you that the big book only says to write three columns. These guys that we know and love who we used to go off on for many years until they changed their inventory used to make the fourth column. Check. Here's how important the fourth colon is. 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 5 steps 5 steps come from your clarity in the 4th column everything you need for the 5th step to be honest about your nature of the wrong everything you needs for step 6 everything you needed for step 7 everything you used for step 8 and everything you use for step 9 to go to somebody to be clear comes from the 4 th column my book doesn't say was I selfish? check Was I dishonest? Check. It says, where was I dishonested? So after I've done the third column on everybody, I come back to the book. It gives me some questions to answer. Is it plain to me that life includes deep resentment leads only to futility and happiness? I believe that. Is it fatal? Blah, blah, blah. Question, question, question. Now they say turn back to The List at the bottom of 66 for it holds the key to the future. Now that sounds pretty important, doesn't it? That this next part of the inventory is going to be a key to your future. You're going to be prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. All I had done my whole life was the first three columns. We've begun to see the world and its people dominating us. How can we escape? This was our course. They give you a prayer to move from the third column to the fourth column. This is a sick person like myself. Do you ever hear people in meetings refer to that prayer like, I needed to realize that he was a sick person and then leave out, like me, so that they're kind of up here and that poor sick person is down here. They, like myself, are perhaps spiritually sick. I wouldn't treat a sickperson this way. Personally, I would, actually. And I have, right? I ask God to help me show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offends, we say to ourselves, This is a sick man like myself. How can I be helpful to him? God, save me from being angry. Thy will be done. Blah, blah, blah. We avoid retaliation. Now, referring to the first three columns again, putting out of your mind what they did, look for your own mistakes. Now here's the instructions for column four. Where had I been selfish? Where had i been dishonest? Where have i been self-seeking and where was i afraid? So I turn the page over. On the front, I have one resentment toward one person. The third column, turn the page over and give myself the whole back of the page selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid. And I start to write it out. I was selfish when I only cared about this. I was self-selfish when I was only concerned with this and this and that. This and this. I was so self-thinking when I was only after this and this and this and I wanted this and I wanted her to be like this, and I look at three kinds of dishonesty. There's three kinds of dishonestry. There is outright lies. Honey, I've never cheated on you. There are lies of omission. That's where you don't say anything. It's just as dishonest as telling a lie. And then there's self-delusion. You'll see the self- delusion in the third column. Write the biggest lie from the third column under self-dilution, dishonesty, and where was I frightened? And if you're in your first inventory, you will see that when you think you're angry, it's really fear. Anger is fear. Anger is a mask to hide fear. I'd like to throw one more thing in there that I currently do that has once again, like the third column, changed my whole experience with inventory. It came to me by myself. Nobody told me. Nobody suggested it. I was alone. I Was in India. I I was writing inventory, and this is what I did. And I had seen it a few times. For example, when Sally left me, and it affected all seven areas of my life, and I've seen my part, I was selfish, I was dishonest, I was self-seeking, I WAS AFRAID. Once in a while, it used to dawn on me, holy moly, I'm not mad at her for leaving me. I'm mad at myself for driving her away with my selfishness, dishonesty, self- seeking, and fear. The first two columns turned into a lie. I now do that with every resentment. And here's the principle. Stay in the fourth column until you can rewrite the first two, and you will find that every resentment is one toward yourself or God. You take those, leave them at the bottom of the fourth volume. When you're all done with the fourth problem, come back. You'll find about five or ten toward yourself and five or 10 toward God. take those and write four columns on those and that will be an inventory. My last inventory I read to Mark, there was 35 pages of resentments and we don't just work with the word resentment anymore. If you've been around for a while and you don't live with deep-seated resentment like you used to, use other words to generate your list. Let down by, discouraged with, jealous of because a lot of us in this room don't leave with deep seated resentment but we still have more subtle forms of self and here's the deal don't confuse less more subtle with more less dangerous deep-seated resentment doesn't feel that way like it used to but they're just as dangerous because they're what's blocking me from god today so i used other words to generate my first column who's let me down the last i was looking at a two-year period since i finished amends the last time once in a while stuff will come from the past that's revealed who's let me down? Who am I discouraged with? Who am I jealous of? I had 35 pages of stuff toward other people, principles, and institutions but I stayed in the fourth column until I could rewrite the first two and I had four pages. Two toward myself and two toward God. I read those four pages to Mark and he said that's the inventory. You didn't even need to read those other 35 pages. It'll help you with amends but that was the inventory and it's a hell of an inventory. I stay in the fourth column until I can rewrite the first two. The first three columns are all lies that your ego is trying to tell you are true. And I now believe, and this has just come to me recently, I believe resentment, which we all know is anger which is held on to, right? Refelt, refelt, gefelt. I believe resentments are anger towards self that you're unwilling to face that you project onto other people. And every one of them will come down to a resentment toward yourself or toward God. What about fear? Fear is really simple. Page 68. We reviewed our fears thoroughly. How do you review your fears thoroughly? They're all the way through the fourth column under where you were afraid. You'll find what you think are hundreds of fears, and all of a sudden the fear inventory turns into like a NCAA 64 team final deal or tennis tournament. Let's say you've got 100 fears on your first list because they're all through the fourth column. Work with that list until you can boil them down. What is being alone really a fear of? Pain. what is drinking again really die break down by asking yourself okay so first it says we listed our fears we ask ourselves why we had them so i take this list of fears and i break them down what was 50 really turns out to be about 10 and they're going to sound like negative fears being alone in pain looking bad rejection dying drinking or drinking and dying if you can break your fears down to 10 major fears take their opposites because you're going to find you're just as afraid of success as failure there's a great poem nelson mandela wrote that most of us are really more afraid of truth and light than we are of darkness and lies or having power than being powerless so i break it down to 10 fears, I take their opposites. Dying, living. Drinking, not drinking. Being alone, being in a relationship. I take those 20 fears. I put one on the top of a piece of paper. I write four column inventory on fear. The only thing that changes for me with fear is self-esteem. If you write the extended third column, it's not about I am. It's about I can. I'm afraid of being alone. it's painful. Self-esteem. I can control pain because fear is about self-reliance and the third column will always tell you what your ego is trying to tell you you think you can do with fear. You break those down, you see that it really comes down to two fears. One is about dying an alcoholic death. One is about living on a spiritual basis. One is about having power. One is about not having power one is about living, one is about dying. The fear inventory will turn into a circle and it'll come down to whether to die an alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis. Those are my two fears. Whatever words you put on it. Living, dying, having power, not having power. Sex, I was told sex as inventory is not just about people you've had or want to have or have had sex with because the book says we subjected each relation to this test. I ask people to pray and put the relationships that come to them on a list. time. I would ask you this, if you've never answered the nine questions from the sex inventory on your relationship with yourself and God, it's an interesting thing. A woman came up to me in Denver and she said, is the sex inventory that you write nowadays about sex? I said, no I've been celibate for a period by choice Guys in LA always say to me by choice, right? I've been celabate for a period of time or you're just with one person You're in a marriage and she said to me what's the most important relationship in your life and I had the audacity to say God you know what she said have you ever answered the nine questions from the book on the sex inventory about your relationship with God that was an eye opener so I just pray show me the relationships I need to look at make a list my first one yeah it was a big thing about people I'd had or wanted to have you make this list and then you just take the first one, put it on the top of a piece of paper. We like to write a paragraph form history of that relationship, how it started, what were my motives, where did it end up, how is it now, how did it ends, or how is now? And then answer the nine questions. There are nine questions on page 69. I've always thought it was interesting that the instructions for the sex inventory are on page 59, but that's just my work. where was I selfish write it out where was i dishonest write it up where was I inconsiderate that's three question number four who was hurt you know not only her was hurt sometimes in these kids mom and day her mom and dad brother uh that's number four number five where did i arouse jealousy number six where did I arouse suspicion number seven where did I aroused bitterness where was I at fault and what should I have done instead remember it doesn't say what could I have done instead with the power I had I usually did about the best I could with my voice carries pretty well so I'm not gonna worry about about that what I got to do and I have to hold this up in terms of that body aboard. So everybody hear me all right? Look a little joke, a little levity it's all levity when you break it down but uh this guy gets on an airplane there's an empty seat next to him and then start walking down the aisle. This is an incredibly gorgeous woman most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. He's saying a prayer my God I I hope she sits by me lo and behold she sits mine so being a typical male the next thought is what in God's name can I say to this incredibly beautiful woman so he just finally turns to her and starts talking to her since are you complain was going to Chicago he said are you going to chicago you know how we are right step over yeah well yeah as a matter of fact I am he and he said, well, what are you going to Chicago for? And she said, well, I'm going to a nymphomaniac convention. He said, really? She said, yeah, I am. He started getting a little excited. He said well, what do you do there? She said well I'm one of the lecturers. We've done a lot of research and I'm there to present a lot unknown facts to all the women, female if the maniacs are showing up for the convention he said oh wow that's fascinating he said well like what she said well there's a lot of misconceptions she said for example here's one of them she said there's this idea of you know who's the most endowed race and she said our research shows us it's native american he goes oh wow i didn't i didn' t know that that's interesting and uh he said whoa whoa you know what else and i said well Well, the second thing is there's this idea that the most sensual or sophisticated kind of man is Italian. She said in our survey show that that isn't true, that it's really Jewish men. He said, wow, that's just absolutely fascinating. And she said, and then our survey shows the third kind of men just overall kind of the suavest of all is really a man from the South. He goes, wow. That's fascinating. And she said, well, I'm talking way too much. And really, I haven't asked you a single thing about yourself. By the way, what is your name? He said, my name is Tonto Goldsmith. My friends call me Bubba. You've got to love it. You've Got to Love It. So, we're going to have some fun with Theater of the Why. It's another concept. It was incredibly helpful to me in ways I can hardly even begin to tell you. One of my own examples was this. When I first got sober, I went to work for a company in Denver, Colorado, where I got sober. And I was with them seven or eight years, and I was managing retail stores 60, 70, 80-hour weeks. And unbeknownst to me, the I in me took on that as my identity. And then I resigned from that job, and about a year and a half later, I was in one of the worst depressions of my life, with my head saying things like, we can't do this anymore, we need to get out of here. and I didn't realize it but it came from my identification with this career and anyhow I got down in Kerrville, Texas and Joe had sent me some tapes and I got to listen to this man do Theater of the Lie and the light bulbs just started going off and I said my God that's what that was about I thought that that job defined me and then I had a couple marriages in I went through incredible pain around that, and I'd had the same thing happen with money. And so I began to write inventory in that fashion. If I had a name show up in the first column, I would ask myself, which character? You know how there's a line in the big book as you start to read about the fifth step, and the line says that we present our stage character to the world? So the question I started to work with is what stage character is writing this inventory? And then out of that, I began to have a lot of fun with inventory. Inventory lost its seriousness. On the one hand, it showed me what I was up against and why resentment is the number one offender. It showed me where a lot of my suffering came from, but on the other it allowed me to laugh at myself when I begin to approach it in this fashion. One of the tools I give the clients at the ranch is they'll come up to me and they'll say I'm angry and I'll say who's angry? Almost their first couple weeks there some of them their heads not even clear. I have them write out their list of characters and I don't even explain to them why and they will come up and they say you you know, I'm angry. Who's angry? No, pull up the list. Oh, mother's angry. She can't be with her kids. And what happens is over a period of time, even doing no work, they slowly pull away from being identified and start having fun with it. But that's some of what we did. So we want to take a couple examples. This may help. We certainly have plenty of time. I think I'll take myself first. Do we have any other Catholics in room? Oh, good. I'm a Catholic and there's been some things going on. I've got some thoughts and feelings about it. Any of you other Catholics have any thoughts and feelings on some of this? Yeah. So I'm going to show you how my inventory laid out and I'm gonna show you my host of characters and mostly I want you to think of it in response to as more and more information begin to get released, I'm going to show you my own host of characters and how that began to impact me. So my column one would be the Catholic Church and some of the bishops and priests all the way up to the Pope. That's who I'm angry at in the first column, right? My second column would read like this. All kinds of cover-ups from the very top all the way down about all this abuse. My money is being distributed without my consent because of all this, because of all these cover- ups. My second column also is people that have provided me spiritual directions are liars. There was seven or eight or nine more different... I'll tell you what I knew I needed to write inventory is I was pretty neutral about all of it, right? Because after all I'm a spiritual man. One night I'm watching and this was about a bishop who had been covering up for years and I just felt this thing start in me from the bottom of my toes and I said, uh-oh we got to write us a little inventory here so you understand what my first and second the rest of you who are Catholics in here does that seem like a pretty good fit for your because over the years what have I done I've taken spiritual direction I certainly have donated money I have followed some of those practices etc etc etc right And so for periods of time, there was this identification with that. So first of all, who's writing that inventory? Catholic. I'm a Catholic. He's writing in that inventory. There are some other characters, though, that showed up in this inventory, right? So we'll start. I want to show you how Theater of the Lie works. You come up and stand here. and what you are is you're the part of me that says I'm a Catholic so your belief systems everything are just about being Catholic what that means to you what it has meant to you how you feel about all this etc right and by the way there will be a few other people up here you don't know any of the rest exist you're just I'm a Catholic that's your sole deal right Okay, now how about you come up and you stand over here. You're a spiritual man. You're on a grander scale. And a counselor. Yeah, so you're going to be the spiritual man, okay? Now I need, how about, what is it, Elizabeth? You be my money. my money was severely impacted by this see I'm trying to think if there were any other characters in the middle of this you see any others Joe that might have been in this Mr. A no not Mr. E because it's a spiritual man because AA has no opinion on this right so he wouldn't have been there No, I didn't touch Rambo behind this one. Well, these three, this will give you an idea because when we do Theater of the Lie, I'm going to take a couple of you and this is what we're going to do. So what I want to do is I want go back and there's the three of you. Your soul function's money. Your whole existence is money. And of course, what you've done over the years is you've contributed to the Catholic Church. Right? And again, you're spiritual. You're the one that says, you are the kind of guy that would say to me, Hitler did his best. You know how we use spirituality to bypass truth? It's like, we've all done that, right? Well they did the best they could. So did Hitler. I ain't buying it, right, that kind of thing. So then you know what, you're the Catholic. So we're watching all this and all this news is coming in and all the way up a couple of archbishops and they're lining, they're doing cover-ups and hundreds of millions of dollars is going out the door. How do you feel about that? I have to cover up. Okay, no, hold on a minute. You're a Catholic. Are we looking real good here? No, we don't look good. Yeah, we're not. We don't, we look good, right? I'm a Catholic, I am. So I'm an Catholic. These were my spiritual teachers They're lying to me, right? They're covering up. All this money is going out the window. Maybe everything I've been taught is your very existence is being threatened here. Does that make sense? Self-esteem, how I see and feel about myself. You're a Catholic, so all of this is going on is a direct reflection of you. Anyone ever ask you what religion you belong to, you're going to have to say that you're a catholic, and all of a sudden you've got to take on all that, don't you? All that shame, all that guilt, right, So this is threatening your very existence, isn't it? You follow? Does that make sense? And you're starting to question your existence, aren't you? How could you not? These were your teachers. This has been one of your practices, correct? How would you view all this stuff? All this stuff going on. What would the spiritual man say about all this tough going on right now? Is this wrong? No, no, no. You know, spiritual man has no judgments. Spiritual man just kind of floats along with the universe. It could happen to anyone, right? They're just spiritually sick. You know what I mean? One strike. What were you saying, Joe? Give them a couple strikes. That's the big deal. Okay. Your sole existence is money. you feel about what's going on? Misused, yeah. Misappropriation of funds, right? So self-esteem, how would it lay out if I wrote it? Under self-esteem, how I see and feel about myself, I am a Catholic. Lead words, I am an Catholic. I am practicing Catholic. I'm a man of my word. I'm the man of integrity. I've been a Christian for a long time. I'm not a man who would not cover up. I don't know how to be a Christian. I know man who would not act in this fashion I am spiritual that's my self-esteem no church should make me look bad pride no Church should make look bad no church who has instructed me in religion should conduct themselves in this fashion ambition what do I want I want this all to stop I want from the very top on down all the people to take ownership I want the cover-ups to stop I want a purging security what do I need to be okay I check this out this was the theme I need spiritual teachers and one of my religious practices to never make mistakes of any kind to be ok because humans should be God and God should be human I need impeccable behavior in the part of spiritual leaders and teachers to be okay she personal relations same-sex relations my friend should not see men in my religion acting in this fashion right sex relations nothing showing up there money I am my money this was a misuse of my money I did not donate this money to the church to be used in this fashion right you see what the third column is understand something about the third column in that state my third column I am a Catholic the wrongdoing of others fancy real has the power to kill I have several friends who have walked away this is how powerful this stuff is if you look if you identify with this they have walked away from the Catholic Church behind this stuff because their identification is so strong and they are so prideful. Ultimately, we're all going to find out way down the road that this is going to be probably one of the most beneficial revolutionary things that could have ever happened within that structure. I suspect that. I don't know. So that's my third column. You see how that third column lays out? You see what I'm up against? and then I'd go around places, and they'd get to talking. And then I get to talk to this guy that I do some work with. I'm never going to Catholic church again. This guy's going, oh, no. See, he doesn't exist anymore, right? That's when Rambo came up a little bit. Yeah, yeah, you know what? I don't think I will either. And I'm a money person. Hasn't written a check since. Not about to until they get this thing cleaned up. Right? Spiritual man, he's just ambivalent about it all. Oh, hell, let's go over and be a Baptist for a while. He's open-minded. Hell, he don't care. You know what I mean? He just kind of goes with the flow of things. Start my own religion. Open my own church. Yeah. Because my church will be... When I identified who was upset, Who is resentful? My inventory just flowed, just flow. Now I won't do that right now with you, but in a little bit. I call it the bridge, the bridge from the third column to the fourth column. I'll show you where my fourth column showed up in this whole thing, okay? Thanks. You guys can go ahead and sit down. One gentleman I was talking, right there. Would you mind if I used you for theater of the life? yeah come on up amy's going to help us write on the board go ahead and sit down in the chair and i'll hand you the mic at times so we don't use names so when he sends out 9 000 copies all over the country no one will know it's you put the number one below it gentleman was kind enough to share a little bit of his life and he said something to me he talked about I don't know how many years ago but he'll talk about this is his wife basically came home and said I want a divorce and he talked the provider the homeowner the husband the lover in one fell swoop. And what? 23 years later, still impacted by it. Don't ever think this stuff won't kill you. 23 years later, he's still impacted. He listened to enough before and he asked me a great question. How do I get free of this? How do i not go back and revisit that? For 23 years, this has impacted him, right? So tell us what. Column one. Column 1, of course, would be her, right. Column 2. Column 3. Column 4. Column 5. Column 6. Column 7. Column 8. Column 9. Column 10. Column 11. Column 12. Column 13. Column 14. Column 15. Column 16. Column 17. Column 18. Column 19. Column 20. Column 21. Column 22. Column 23. Column 24. Column 25. Column 26. Column 27. Column 28. Column 29. Column 30. Column 31. wife my wife my life next to number one by the way anytime you use the word mine you're headed for trouble see that's my water you don't really want to be drinking taking that water see anytime you hear the word mind you see why you're in trouble it implies ownership possession see my wife human being means nothing it's much different than my car anything that's my my defines me and I'll go to my death defending my stuff right so she's in column one so what would column two be okay she wanted to divorce me okay so put down she wanted a divorce. Okay, what else? So put over at the right, put the word husband. Did you have any children? Yes. Okay. So did that mean she was going to take the children with her? Perfect husband. Okay? So we got perfect husband. You need to put father. I'm going to give you a few of them in column two. Column two is lost the kids. She took the kids with them. You're going to, that's okay. Just right, just right up here. So she took the kids. Did you have to move out of the house? Did you lose the home? Oh man. Right over to the right. Right. Homeowner. Oh, we got some inventory here. She got the house and took the kids and wanted a divorce yeah and when people ask he was doing it backwards it would have a great story okay so the other thing in column two you can that's okay you just go a little above it is you can put lost the house took the house now even though he's got three there ABC we would usually just do A and use the whole page front and back. Another page for B, another page for C. He's just giving you an idea of how much was going on here in this situation. What other things in the second column maybe happened behind this? She took the kids, wanted a divorce, took the house. What else happened? Anything else? Oh yeah, I lost our we lost our mutual friends. So put up over there, friend. I also want you to put up there, Romeo. He wasn't real happy with this news either. I was going to ask you if by chance, did she get involved in an affair or was there another man? Second column, we have just a little bit more here. How would you word it? 23 years he's been carrying this second column. Maybe I need to not ask him that question. Here's how to word it. Had an affair, or cheated on me. That hmm-hmm-hmm. Now, I'm going to ask another question. Was this with someone you knew? Oh, yeah. Oh! I smelled that. You know what I mean? Don't say it was someone you sponsored. Yeah. Best friend? Okay. Her boss. Her boss cheated on me with her boss. That's a pretty good start. You need to also write over here money, the money man. You need to write Rambo. Were you sober then? Oh God, we got it. Now write Mr. AA and then I want you to write spiritual man. Now one other question. Did this have any impact on your career at that time okay so I want you to write business person how many years ago was this how many 23 1980 a few days have passed okay good so let's well we're limited on room but okay we'll do this so let go back and here he is sitting here and all of these things that he thinks identify who he is, perfect husband, father, homeowner, friend, Romeo, that's the lover, money man, Rambo, Mr. AA, spiritual man, and businessman. When she came home and said I want a divorce, by the way, the kids stay with me, you move out, and oh one last thing, it's with my boss. every one of those things that he thinks identify him had a very, very interesting reaction. So let's start with the perfect husband, okay? Because when she comes home and says, I want a divorce, y'all get what she's saying, right? So what was your reaction to that? I don't want to upset, but I want to know why. Okay? And I'm scared and I'm empty. Okay? I'm rejected. He's talking about I'm scattered, I'm emptying, I're rejected. There's always going to be two sides to the... Every one of these will react in two ways. Let's go to self-esteem. I'm the husband, right? I'm a husband. I'm not the husband. I'm never the provider. I'm that man that's cared for you. it rolls out that way. Here's the other side. I'm rejected. I'm abandoned. There's something wrong with me. But in essence, at the heart of all of it, when she said she wanted a divorce, how long had you been married? She'd been married 10 years. What she said to him is, You do not exist. You do not exist He is fighting for his life, isn't he? so much of our identity is tied up in this all these characters were hurt threatened and interfered with now that's one now keep in mind just imagine a standard work day for him back there right the father she's taking the kids what's that saying to the father you don't exist except on a part time basis right Or you can be replaced. Try to imagine what he went through here literally in 24 hours, but it took a little longer to set in because they started having meetings and they started voicing with themselves what was going on. The next one is the homeowner. You leave. I am my home. How many of you own homes? You know what I'm talking about. Have a little attachment to your home? yeah just a little bit i am i am my home she said no you're not go to an apartment he doesn't exist friend they had a lot of mutual friends a whole nother identity now they're getting divorced all of those gone almost overnight right Romeo. Romeo is different from the husband. Romeo is your sexual energy. He isn't feeling too well right now either. Now, Romeo is a good term to use if you're married but every man has within him a stud. Romeo was upset, the stud got happy. Why? Because there's fresh meat out there for him. Think about this. How many of you have ever been married and the other person had an affair on you? Okay. The wife will never cheat on the husband, the husband will never cheat on my wife, but the little sex kitten in the stud will do it in a second because they've got different agendas. You follow me? We write a script about how a husband and a wife are supposed to be. I assure you, the script he had in his mind, her actions did not match any of it, which is why he's fighting for his life. Let's take another one. We've got the money man. Having been divorced, I know that they can be very, very expensive. The money man is about, I'm secure, I feel secure based on the amount of money that I think I need to have in the bank or in my pocketbook. A whole bunch of it just walked out the door. He's not feeling too well. You think there's a little depression setting in by chance, right? Rambo. Once he gets past the shock, what do you think, Rambo? And then imagine Rambo when he finds out she's cheating with her boss, right. What do you make, Ramvo? Yeah. One objective. Period. End of statement. Kill. Penitentiary is full of men and women who Rambo decided to execute an order. Or Zena. In this situation, right here. Stuff is real. So real, it's unbelievable. Mr. AA. Oh, God. Can you imagine what he brought to meetings? could you imagine what he brought to meetings right and he could have been throwing out all kinds of you know one-liners and so he's sober he's a sober member of aa you know got to come in share in pain share what's going on so he is doing that now the spiritual man probably started talking to him pretty quick the spiritual men loves to use this thing of she spiritually sick you'll be okay. I assure you initially in the beginning when they had their board meeting, the spiritual man was not listening to him very much. He was a tiny little squeak because the rest of these had a lot to say, right? I mean, can you imagine his board meeting? This is before anger sets in and then resentment. Can you imagine the poor husband? Several of these people had Kleenex. The husband, he's just sitting there, geez like that right and then the spiritual man probably would have called the meeting to order that would have been the husband's reaction initially right what am i going to do the father he would i don't want you to watch how this plays out the father would have reacted that way the homeowner was probably starting to get real angry right away damn it i put money in that home, right? The friend, he's not doing too well. Of course, Romeo. See, there's a whole other basic thing that happens here with Romeo and that is that his entire manhood is impacted by this, isn't it? See, when she did that, she said he didn't exist. You see how real this is? The money man, he scared to death about what's going to happen. Of We got rambled just kind of stirring them up. Kill them. Get rid of them. Follow me? You're going to bring them up and ask each of them how they felt in this situation? Yeah, the businessman, because of all the things going on with everything else, he doesn't have much energy left to take into work, does he? So the businessman all of a sudden can't perform his job. Now all of the sudden look what he's up against. You see what he is up against? So let's just do this. Yeah, and you can do this where you're sitting. How shall I have it worded? Shall I have him just ask him how he responded once they found all this out? How did the perfect father feel? We'll start. You're the perfect husband. You have just found out all this information. What is your response? How do you experience this? Can't believe it's happening. Yeah, can't believe what's happening? What else? Pride, hurt feelings. Pride, heard feelings. rejection abandonment failure all that stuff right yeah okay so next gentleman you would be the father what kind of reaction would you have yeah I'm gonna miss my kid actually the kids are going to be screwed up right does they get older exactly okay the homeowner you're the home owner what kind of reaction you've got a moving new apartment yeah yeah the house becomes a part of you it becomes comfortable right now I gotta go live in an apartment complex I hear people going to bathroom and right follow me and part of your image gets tied up into your home right so you're not too happy about this stuff right hey uh romeo now this is the part of you is about your sexual energy in a marriage and basically not only not only is she leaving but then you find out she cheated on you what's your reaction to this bingo you hear that i'm not good enough i'm good enough carries it for 23 years because he's identified with this i'm not good enough right the ego wins either way high self-esteem or low self-esteem the ego winds either way yep the ego loves it i'm no good or i'm the greatest it will never admit i'm an average guy with this much sobriety trying to do the best i can who makes mistakes it won't settle for the middle yep you'd be the money one Of course, there's a lot of money going out to Dave there, aren't there? Right. What's your reaction to all this? Like down. Yeah. Angry. Angry. Fear. Tremendously afraid, right? What's going to happen? Rambo. Rambo, what's your response? What's you're reaction? Kill. Yeah. Kill, maim, and destroy. That's pretty well it. Fix them. Yeah, that's about the only thing on his agenda. Lock and load. Not much else going on. Right? Just not much else going on. Of course, then you've got, you know, spiritual woman, right? Spiritual man. What's your reaction to all this going to be? Thy will be done. Uh-huh. God's will. It's God's Will. I mean, I want you to understand what this poor man's been going through. All of this has been happening to him for 23 years and initially, can you imagine the intensity of it? All at the same time! That's why the book says in that state the wrongdoing of others fancies real as the power to kill. Can you imagine what he must have been experiencing? can you imagine and then 23 years later obviously based on his comments he is still revisiting these people these states of identity are still alive and well in him 23 years later look what it's done to his life in 23 years follow you see what it started and then we see what the businessman is. Now you see how this lays out? Can you imagine, if you look at the second column, you can imagine what the third column looks like, can't you? Writing out his third column. See, here's what Theater of Lie did for me. Just what little we've done, do you see where the third volume would roll out? Pride, no one should ever see a woman leave me, Boom, boom, boom. Fell in all the blanks. Self-esteem, you know, I'm a failure. It goes two ways, low or high. I'm the failure. I'm good husband. You got the whole chain of events. I'm as good provider. I am a poor provider. I'ma good lover, I ama poor lover. You've got both, right? Ambition. What did you want? I wanted a nice house with a big fence and two kids and a family. There you go. Did you hear that? Wanted a white house, picket fence, a cat and a dog, a couple of kids and a little wifey too. My arrangements would only stay put. If only people would do as I wish, the show would be great. I have a belief system I'll be happy and satisfied if my life only goes according to my plan. And security, the biggest lie of all. I need her to stay, to exist, to be okay. Without her, I'm nothing. Look what the ego's done. Sex relations. Women don't leave men. Men leave women. More sex relations, women are not to be trusted. Pocket book. Nobody leaving me should affect my money. Keep in mind, don't let this confuse you with A, B, C, and D. We took four resentments in the second column, but really it should just be one and then another page for the other one. Got the kids, another page for the house, another page for the affair. One page per resentment. This will show you why you're having trouble with personal relationships when you're not at one. Remember, this is when you are not at one. This is when you are mad, you are resentful because she left. And you know why you are having trouble? When you are not at one, one morning the lover wakes up to her business woman because she has got as many personalities as he does. when she's not at one. She's pissed too. She's about to leave. So one morning, Romeo wakes up to the businesswoman. She's got an 8 o'clock appointment. He wants to make love. There's a problem there. Next morning, his businessman wakes up to Juliet, the sex kitten. There's no problem there when you're not at 1. Depends on who wakes up. The only time you have a good day is when the right two personalities wake up at the same time. Right? Then you find not only do you have these different personalities, every one of them has a different belief system about when she left. Rambo wants to kill. Mr. AA needs to accept it. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems. This is not acceptable. Acceptance is not the answer. I do the work because being powerless over alcohol and my life being unmanageable became unacceptable for the first time in my life. We need acceptance for people, places, and things but step one is not acceptable to me. Dr. Paul cried when I talked to him and he talked about what people did with that page 449 in relationship to themselves in the first step. We need it for people, places, and things but I think we're all here to do the work because being powerless and being unmanageable has become absolutely unacceptable. So another reason, that's another reason they're having trouble with personal relationships. Every one of their personalities have a different belief system. And you wonder why there's mixed feelings. There's mixed feeling because there's mixed personalities. Rambo wants to kill. The spiritual guy wants to live and let live. The businessman is concerned about his next appointment and his meeting and his money and his house. And you're having trouble. He told us a story. Frank told us the story when he shared this with us about a man who became an AA speaker, who would never say no to an AA request. Went to the doctor one day. The doctor says, be at the hospital tomorrow. You have appendicitis. He became an AAA speaker. He couldn't go to the hospital. He had to go speak. He had a commitment he couldn't say no too. Went to speak. At the podium, his appendix burst. Back then, they couldn't treat peritonitis. You'd go tothe hospital and you're going to die. It took him 17 days. Frank would go to see him, and when he was lucid, he would begin to admit, you know I wasn't the greatest father in the world, but I wasn'T the worst either. And another personality would die. I wasn' t the greatest husband in the word, but I was'nt the worst. And another personality would die." We're here for these to be smashed. For these to become at one. To atone. That's what amends are about. Amends are abut getting free of these different personalities and coming back to your center. It took him 17 days to die, and he died free. We get to do that right here, and we get to do it in the inventory process. We don't have to die for these personalities to be smashed. But there's a couple things you have to watch out for when you start to move into the truth, which is the next column. If you open your book, 266, to dovetail on what Joe said, our goal in AA is to die before we die. The paragraph that says, it's plain that a life which includes deep resentment will lead only to futility and unhappiness. The reason our deep resentments lead to futability is, can you do anything about another person's behavior or choices? Then it's futile, isn't it? and the unhappiness generated from that to the precise extent that I permit these that's an interesting word the term permit here is very important it's in there because you and I have been given a way to get free of them if you're unwilling to take the action of writing the inventory then you're going to be victim of it it also says in the book that to conclude that she was wrong was as far as we usually got the first three columns was as far as we usually get what happens they continue to wrong us and we stay angry yep but with the alcoholic whose hope is a maintenance growth of a spiritual experience his business resentment is infinitely grave matter of fact it's fatal do I believe that for when I harbor these feelings I shut myself off from the sunlight of the spirit the insanity of alcohol returns and I drink again with me to drink is to die do I belief that for those of you who have relapsed history go back and see if those last four sentences don't describe every relapse that's happened to you. If I'm to live, I had to be free of anger. It doesn't say you won't get angry. It says you've got to be free of it. The grouch and the brainstorm are not for us. They may be the dubious luxury normal men, but for me these things are poison. Now again, this next sentence. By the way, I'll throw out something to you there's four or five sentences in this book that are so profound to me that you will never hear talked about in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. So what I'll throw out to you is start bringing them up in meetings. This next sentence...