Fourth Step and Spiritual House Cleaning – AA Joe H Step Study – Part 7 of 11 – Joe

My name is Joe. I'm an alcoholic. We are at the fourth step. We are At The Fourth Step On Fear. Which means we've done the first three steps and the resentment inventory. It's always kind of hard for me to talk about the fourth step without getting myself centered a little bit on the first tree. I'm not one that believes this program is done piecemeal. I believe it's meant to be done in order just because that's what's been shared with me and what I've done. I'm really here, you know, trying to just share my experience. I get a little intellectual sometimes and I get little carried away and i get a little judgmental and i'm just i'm just another alcoholic that doesn't ever want to drink again and that's really what helps me get centered to remind myself why i'm here i'm not here as an expert i'm Not here as a know-it-all and some sometimes i come off that way uh i'm Just here to hopefully share with somebody that is maybe in a similar situation as i was in in my last treatment center and that doesn't ever want to drink or take drugs again and is tired of living the way they're living. I don't know why this is on my mind, but I'm reminded today for some reason about different places in this program where it seems like myself included and other people have taken this program and made it into a self-help therapeutic program to fix ourselves, and that's not what inventory is about. And I'd like to go back to a statement without covering too much. I'd light to go to back to the statement in the second step on page 45 in the chapter to the agnostic that really once again puts me back on the path that this is not a self-help fix-it program and I'm not going to go through these steps to get some power so I can fix myself and work on my problems I have a hard time understanding sometimes when I'm sitting in meetings and I hear somebody say that they're working real hard on the sixth step or they're working out real hard on the seventh step like I don't know what they mean by that I you know what Are we going to help God out, remove our character defects? I'm not sure what they mean. I can't work the sixth step. I can'T work the seventh step. I think that's kind of where God's supposed to come in and take some stuff that I've never really been able to stop doing. But there's a sentence here I'd like to go back to that once somebody has seen the first step, which i think is everything up to this chapter from the doctor's opinion through bill story the little exercise we do with bill story to help us look at our lives to the there is a solution and more about alcoholism once you've kind of seen that and some people are a lot closer to seeing that when they get here than others and a lot take a while to see that stuff in the first step and have to go back out or go through a lot of pain here in the program to somehow hit bottom. You can do it drunk, you can do it sober. But once I've seen the first steps, I kind of come to the idea on page 45 that lack of power is my problem and that I need some power to live not just quit drinking and that it has to be a power greater than me because I've seen where my best has gotten me and that should be obvious and my next question should probably be if I've really seen the first step because there's really nowhere else to go you hear people saying I'm having trouble with the second step and I don't understand that I don' t think they're having trouble with the 2nd step i think there's they still have some options they still have some delusions of power and they're really having trouble with the first step but once you do see the first step there's really nowhere else to go and it just opens the door to the second step i think that that door has been shut for a long time for me as far as my experience by ego egos kept that door shut saying well i can do it i can fix it i I can stay sober. I can control alcohol. I got some options. I can go here. I can do this. I can get the right bank account, the right woman, the right job. I got an out. There's still options for me, you know, and that's all ego for an alcoholic. But I think once you've seen the first step, that door that's been shut by ego is kind of opened and you see that lack of power is your problem and that you need some power just to live, let alone quit drinking. And that it should be obvious that that probably should be a power greater than yourself. My next question would be where and how do I find this power? It'd be like somebody telling me where the dope is. You know, some guy comes up to you on the street raving about some great dope that's going to fix you and make you feel better. What's the first thing you're going to say? Well, where is it? Same kind of thing here. You know, I come to this second step with mud on my face and the realization of the truth and seeing that I need some power. And all of a sudden it tells me that I can find some power here by which to live. And that's exactly what this book is about. You'd think I would be open to that. But let's take a look at something and see how many people we see, including myself, that have done this. Its main object is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself so you can solve your problems. Now there's a big difference between that and what they really say here. What they really saying here is, well that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself, which will solve your problem. Not the power so I can solve my problems. And I think that's where one of these little outs are, where we can now turn this program into a therapeutic self-help program. Maybe I'm going to admit my powerlessness over alcohol and the unmanageability of my life in the first step and then choose a conception at the second step and then make a decision to go for that power in the third step and then write an inventory and then discover my character defects either in four or reading it to somebody in step five and then I don't know what I do with steps six and seven. I guess I work on six and seventh to remove my defects and then work on those character defects real hard and there I've taken this spiritual path and turn it into a therapeutic self-help path. But I think if I can be reminded once again from what they say here at the second step that I'm not looking for power so I can solve my problems, that the main object of this book is to enable me to find a power greater than myself which will solve my problem. That kind of gives me a focus on why I'm writing inventory. a lot of people think we write inventory to learn about ourselves well i'm somebody that was in therapy for way too long and uh knew enough about myself to be dangerous to me and everybody around me and didn't really need to learn any more about myself and thank god the director of the last treatment center i went to said you really don't need any more therapy you really don't need to learn anymore about yourself because knowing all that hasn't done much good what you need is a program of recovery to give you the power to live your life without alcohol and all the other choices you've thought you had all the other solutions you thought you had because your best efforts and your best thinking has chosen solutions that are killing you and then I was told the same thing when I got to the fourth step with my sponsor that right in the fourth wasn't about learning about myself he made a little analogy that it was probably I was probably going to learn about more about what I'm not but maybe a little about what I've become because I think I thought for a long time that I I am what I've become and really if I if I can get to a pure place before the fourth step which I think we each need to experience I can see that I'm a child of God sometime in the past when I was born that I was pure and and I'm not all these things that I've seen the first step that I become through my disease and that maybe inventory is about discovering the things that stand between me and god like they remind me that this is going to be a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in which have been blocking me from you and from me and from god there's another point that kind of puts me back on the spiritual path rather than allowing me to take it off into the self-help therapeutic path at the top of page 64 when they talk about this inventory is a even though my decision is a vital and crucial step it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and to be rid of you know i think i this is really just my own opinion having worked in that field and been in so many treatment centers and so many so much therapy that the most a therapist can really do for you is help help you see the things that that you need to see so you can cope with them, so you learn to deal with those feelings that come up whenever that happens. But no therapist ever gave me a promise that we could face some stuff and be rid of. I think that simple idea about this inventory being a process to face and be read of is more spiritual than self-help. So they have reminded me that this is going to be a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in myself which have been blocking me. My liquor is really just a symptom, so we're going to get down to the cause and the condition. I think I'll probably find the condition of my alcoholism in the third and fourth column and the cause, for a little while I'll think the cause is in the second column of the resentment inventory, but I'll probably see that the cause is inthe fourth column and my belief's in the third column. Although they will ask me to put on the second column what the cause of my resentment was, I don't think the causa of my resentmen is the cause of my disease. It's always good for me when I sit down to write inventory to reaffirm the decision I made in the third step and to once in a while review those ABCs from a couple pages back that I am alcoholic and I can't manage my own life and that no human power can relieve my alcoholism and that God can and will if he's sought and that that's what I'm doing. I'm clearing away the stuff that blocks me from that quiet place within that i'd like to be able to to find god that that place they told me in the second step that great reality that i would find deep down within i'm just going to go in there and i'm going to look at the garbage that blocks me from that place and i usually write a prayer at the top of the page whenever i sit down to write and we spent a long time last week on the four-column resentment inventory where I start and find those directions on the bottom of page 64 when it talks about the number one offender being resentment and in dealing with resentments I should put them on paper and that I should make a list and my sponsor took one direction at a time with me he told me to go home and make a list of people institutions and principles with whom i was angry and i think the key word there is were it wasn't really important how i felt about him today because if if i said a prayer and their name came up i should put him down because i was probably mad at him sometime see i think i have stuff i've resolved but if it comes up i haven't really resolved it as far as getting rid of it. So I make a list. I make a list of people, institutions and principles. And I finished that list and I take the first name off that list. And I put it over on another piece of paper in the left hand corner. Like for instance mom. And then I put every reason I was ever mad. And there might be five there might 10 there might 50 but it doesn't need to be a novel you know I can get right to the point and I can number them 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 and I can put when she did this when she said this and when she did this the stuff that made me angry what I think is the cause what I think is my resentment and then to go into the third column and look at which one of those seven things self-esteem pocket book ambition pride personal relations sex relations security which one of those things when she did that number one just the first one when she did that which one of those were hurt threatened or interfered with and to look at how what she did affected me and to do that with all 20 or 30 or 50 or however many they are and to go through those one at a time and look at which of those seven things were affected but then they they helped me to turn and look at my life as far as the resentments once i'd finished those first three columns and look it in a different light to find a key to my future and they took me back to the statement a few pages back on page 62 that says our troubles we think are basically of our own making and they asked me to find the positive side of that statement before I went into the fourth column because if I didn't I'd probably beat myself up with the fourth comment and see what a rotten terrible person I was and that it would be destructive rather than constructive so i thought about that and i looked at what i'd written and i thought you know i've always blamed this person institution or principle for me being angry and i've kind of sat around waiting for them to change and the old inventories that i did in my head used to go like this is who i'm mad at and this is why i'm bad and in my self-centered way this is how it affects me and the fourth column would have read and unless they change there's I probably won't feel better and here I am waiting for the world and all these people and all these institutions and all this timeless ageless never gonna change principles to to do something to change to become what I wanted to become so I can feel better because in my self-centered way I think that's the most important thing how I feel and there i was trapped in a like a penitentiary waiting for all these things to change so i could feel better and they said let's look at this from another angle and do you see a positive side to that statement so your troubles are of your own making and i said well i know the negative side you know beat myself up oh what a rotten terrible person i I brought all this on but I guess the positive side to that would be gosh if I can see where I played a part with every resentment I ever had if I played apart and I can be healed of these things they don't have to change for me to feel better you know here I am writing about my dad and he's been dead for nine years when I got here and I'm still all pissed off at him and how am I going to get free if I still want to play God and want him to be different? You know, I've got to see where I brought on the resentment and I've Got to be prepared to look at what I've written in the first three columns from an entirely different angle. It starts to talk about that on the bottom of page 66 when it talks about turning back to what you've written for it holds the key to the future and be prepared to look for the key to the key of the future from an entirely different angle and then they give me a prayer at the top of the next page that I can use as I go through this and then They actually give me the directions in the middle of the last page for the fourth column and tell me that it needs to be put down in black and white when I see my fault and that I need to take each one of those one at a time look at my mom and look at number one the number one resentment and look at how it affected me. And then on another piece of paper put down when she did that where was I selfish? Where was I dishonest? Where was I self-seeking? Where was I afraid? Though a situation had not been entirely my fault, I try to disregard what the other person did in the second column entirely where was I to blame the inventory is mine not the other persons when I see my faults I list them and I place them before me in black and white you see now if I have found the positive side of that statement so my troubles are my own making i can say thank god i brought it on because she doesn't have to change for me to get well and if i have really found the positive side of that statement i can get free in the fourth column and that's what i should experience when i'm writing that rather than a destructive exercise to beat myself up and find out what a rotten terrible person i am and when I have gone into the fourth column with that attitude I've got I get free sometimes when I write it and sometimes when I read it you know if I really look at inventory it's kind of like if you told me what I was a little kid to go in the basement and clean up my room and I say to my mom oh I don't want to do that that would be terrible because I think all i can do is go down there and rearrange everything and i'm stuck with it all and all i can't do is just put it back in its place and i am still going to be stuck with all but imagine if your mom said to you when you were a kid go down in the basement in your room and throw everything out that you don't want anymore for all new stuff my god i would have gone down there joyous that's the attitude i need to go into inventory with that i'm not going in there to that place that i've had to go all the time in therapy and when i've seen the truth those glimpses of truth and every time i've gone there in there it's been really painful because all i think i can do is go in there and learn how to cope with it and deal with those feelings and I'm always going to be stuck with that stuff. But if I'm going into inventory with an attitude of, listen, I'm gonna go in there to face this stuff and be rid of it and I can really get free if I find out where I brought on every resentment I've ever had, it can be a whole new experience. And then I need to remember I'm writing inventory to discover the stuff that stands between me and this power that I've admitted in the first step that i need if you want to save some time while you're writing that resentment inventory and every time you see some fear in the fourth column or if you see something fear of when your self-esteem your pride your ambition your pocketbook or any of those seven things in the in the third column were hurt threatened or interfered with mark the word fear so you can go back to it to find your fear list Because on the bottom of page 76 67 they say notice the word fear is bracketed alongside their resentment This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives now if the resentment inventory is laid out so I can see where I played a part with every resentment i ever had so i can get free i guess the next layer of truth underneath that that i need to see is and behind every resentment i never had was fear that will be another place of freedom see resentment is like the first layer of the onion resentment is what i show you when you do something to me because i'm the kind of person that doesn't want to tell you that you've made me afraid so i show the world resentment but i'm really scared inside and i learned how to do that on the streets and in my family and in the penitentiary and i learn how to deal with it and i'm not real well if i get angry enough it'll keep you away because what i don't want you to see is that i'm afraid and we learn how to play that game so i guess if the resentment inventory has helped me look at just that and there's some freedom when i see i brought on each of these resentments that i've ever had my selfishness my dishonesty my self-seeking and my fear has brought all these on what they did didn't cause the resentment it was the way I was my spiritual sickness now I guess I need to see the next layer of the onion and see that behind every resentment I ever had I was either going to not get something I thought I needed or I was going to lose something I already had and there was fear involved it touched about every aspect of my life there was an evil and corroding thread the fabric of my existence was shot through with it it set in motion trains of circumstances which brought my misfortune that i felt i didn't deserve thank god thank god it's not about justice thank god we don't get what we deserve if everyone in this room got what they deserved no one would be here i'm glad my sponsor told me this ain't about justice this is about mercy but did not we ourselves set the ball rolling ah didn't i set the ball rolling. Didn't my fear, my dishonesty, my selfishness, and my self-seeking set up the person based on the belief system I have in the third column? Didn't all that there set them up to whatever they did in the second column to make me mad and then blame them? sometimes i they think fear ought to be classed with stealing seems to cause more trouble now that's an interesting analogy fear and stealing you got to remember when this book was written and it was right after the depression and during those days if you stole something from somebody that was like back then that was a major deal but i also needed to see that stealing is a stealing is conscious act that i that i decide to do and i and i don't understand the analogy between deciding to steal something and fear because i always thought fear just kind of comes came on me I wake up with it but I needed to see that fear is also a conscious decision based on what I think I need what I think I want my dishonesty my selfishness and myself seeking and my belief system that I've started to get a glimpse of in the third column that fear i really manufacture fear now i'm not saying there aren't any legitimate fears but i'm saying most of the kind of fear that i lived with was manufactured like the now the story my sponsor told me about the guy who wakes up 20 minutes late for work the alarm didn't go off and he gets this imaginary thing in his head about He's going to show up a half an hour late or an hour late for work, and the boss is going to say, why are you late? And I'm going to stay. It's none of your business, and he's going to say yes it is because I pay your salary, and I'm going to say no you don't because I quit and I don't even get out of bed. You know, I do that. It's like my head is a giant manufacturing plant, and what i manufacture is fear and what I show the world is resentment and I set this stuff up the next paragraph kind of uh gives you the instructions for the fear inventory and they asked me to review my fears thoroughly and I was told the way to review your fears thoroughly is to go back through your resentment inventory and look in the third and fourth column and look at each resentment and ask yourself when so-and-so did this from the second column and it affected me like this what was I afraid of? What was I afriad of when she said that and it effected my self-esteem? And to put that over there on a list and what was i afraid of when she did that and it affect my pocketbook and what is it and what am i afraid of when she does that and it affected my personal relation. And then look in the fourth column when you wrote where you were afraid. Now, the important thing to remember is you're going to see several fears repeating over and over andover andover. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of being left, fearof being lied to. You don't have to put those each time. Like on your fear list, You don't have to put, I'm afraid of my mother rejecting me. And then you see it with your girlfriend and you have to put, I'm afraid of my girlfriend rejecting me. Just put fear of rejection because you're going to see I mean there's only so many fears and you're going to see them repeating over and over and over all the way through the resentment inventory. So do it however you have to do it but end up with a general list of fears. Go all the way through the resentment inventory and write them all, and then go back and cross out the ones that are repeating themselves, or just get a general list of fears that you see from looking in your resentment inventory. Then it says that there might be some we had no resentment in connection with. So when I'm done with my fear list that I got from my resentment inventory, I say a prayer and I ask, Are there any fears that weren't in the resentment directory? Because there are some things that I'm afraid of that I didn't really resent. i don't find too many but there might be some that didn't make a resentment inventory so i end up with a list another damn list and i take the first fear off that list and i put it on another piece of paper and then i do the only other part of the fear inventory and that is to write why was i afraid we asked ourselves why we had them and if you need to write it to see it i guess there is another part you need to see with each fear wasn't it because self-reliance failed self-reliance was good as far as it went but it didn't go far enough some of us once had great self-confidence but it didn't fully solve the fear problem or any other when it made us cocky it was worse so i have a two column fear inventory i went back through my resentment inventory and i made a list of fears i i crossed out the ones that repeated themselves over and over i got a general list of a 50 or 100 fears and i said a prayer and asked if there were any more that weren't on there and i took each one one at a time and asked why was i afraid and i needed to see with each one wasn't it because self-reliance failed then they tell me perhaps there's a better way we think so for we are now on a different basis the basis of trusting and relying upon god we trust infinite God rather than our finite selves we're in the world to play the role he assigns just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on him does he enable us to match calamity with serenity what a promise we never apologize to anyone for depending upon our creator we can laugh at those who think spirituality is the way of weakness paradoxically spirituality is the Way of strength the verdict of the ages is that faith means courage all men of faith have courage they trust their God we never apologize for God instead we let him demonstrate through us what he can do it's interesting it doesn't say instead we'd let him demonstrate through us what we can do. We ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be, not do, not what I do. It's a great prayer for fear. Remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be. And once we commence to outgrow fear, what I really need to see is that without God I will continue to be afraid of these things because self-reliance has failed and i go on and i thought the first time was this was going to be the fun part because now i'm going to write the sex inventory and now i'M GOING TO WRITE ABOUT ALL THE WEIRD STUFF I DID WHEN I WAS HAVING SEX AND THEY TOOK ALL THE FUN OUT OF IT BECAUSE THEY SAID THIS AIN'T ABOUT INTERCOURSE THIS IS ABOUT MOTIVES AND RELATIONSHIPS AND THAT I WASN'T GOINGTO WRITE ALL THE KINKY STUFF i DID WHILE I WAS HAVE SEX BECAUS MOST of that took place in my head anyway. My sponsor talks about it was a couple years before he could write his first sex inventory, and he wrote it on the back of a matchbook because he'd done a lot of weird drugs, and most of his sex took place In his head. Now about sex. This is me. Many of us needed an overhauling there. Above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to way off track here we find human opinions running to extremes absurd extremes perhaps one set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature a base necessity of procreation then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex who bewail the institution of marriage who think that most of the troubles of our race are traceable to sex causes they think we do not have enough of it or that it isn't the right kind. Excuse me, they see its significance everywhere. One school would allow no man flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbitrator of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. what can we do about them that's the question they're gonna ask me to make another damn list we reviewed our conduct over the years so I made a list of people I had relationships with for me it was the opposite sex but I found I just didn't put everybody I had sex with there was a lot of one-night stands and I couldn't remember their names so I put the ones that lasted more than a few days you know the the long term the long-term relationships a week or more and um some of mine had sex with most of my head some of my hadn't maybe i just had wanted to and didn't get my way but i guess that list comes from prayer and i and i said a prayer and I found myself making a list of people that needed to be on that inventory that I'd because it says in the the next paragraph below the directions it says we subjected each relation to this test so i looked at my relations in a list i reviewed my conduct over the years past when i finished that list i took the first name and i didn't do this one in columns i did it in paragraphs and i just answered these questions where was i selfish well i was selfish because i wanted her to where was I dishonest well I was dishonest because I didn't tell her where was inconsiderate I was inconsiderate because I didn't think about her feelings I didn t think about what she needed so there's three questions whom did i hurt and i would love to tell you that in the sex inventory when they say we they mean her too i think they mean we because they were talking about more than one person in the program at the time as they do throughout this book i need to use i whom did I hurt and it wasn't just the person in the relation there was sometimes people around that relationship that got hurt too her kids her husband her parents did i unjustifiably arouse jealousy suspicion or bitterness where was i at fault and then the one that probably should be marked to save you some time and the one my sponsor told me not to write unless i wanted to change because if i wrote this next part i wouldn't be able to do what i used to do anymore and that is what should i have done instead i'm sorry to say that with most of my relationships in the past before i got here what i put there was not i shouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place um and some other stuff but it's in there that question that i'm going to find my my ideal for my future sex life which the next part of this inventory is about so we have a list of relations that I've had we've taken the first name off that list and I've answered question number one where was I selfish where was i dishonest where was inconsiderate who did I hurt did I arouse jealousy suspicion or bitterness where was I at fault what should I have done instead he answered those nine questions for each relation now I don't understand and I've yet to had anybody explain to me where it says did I unjustifiably aroused jealousy suspicion her bitterness if I need to look at where i unjustifiably aroused those things is there such a thing as justifiable jealousy suspicion or bitterness and i don't think there is for an alcoholic at least i have never found any for me that i could justify doing to someone then they tell me why i'm writing this inventory in the next paragraph in this way i'm trying to shape a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life i subjected each relation to this test was it selfish or not i'm going to ask god to mold my ideals and help me to live up to them i remembered always that my sex powers were god given and therefore good never to be used lightly or selfishly nor the nor to be despised or loathed whatever my ideal turns out to be i must be willing to grow toward it I must be willing to make amends where I have done harm, provided that I do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come if we want it. i can't tell you from my experience how important that is because in my third inventory i found some stuff from the first two that i didn't want to change and it didn't when i wanted it to and when it had beaten me up enough i think if we treat sex like any other problem and somebody hasn't seen what they need to see and they're still out there messing around i think you probably tell them the same thing you would if they weren't sure about alcohol you know go do it until you just can't do it anymore because if you're anything like me whatever you're using to make you feel good you use it until it doesn't work anymore and if sex is still working for somebody hey go do It frivolous meaningless harmful sex go do It go do I'll be able to stop just you know kind of like alcohol um and i'm glad my sponsor allowed loved me enough to allow me to have my own experience you know i'd go to don and i'd say don i saw this this this and this and what a breakthrough and uh-huh he'd say well i've been waiting for you to see that and i said well why didn't you tell me and he'd said i love you more than that because if i did it would be like stealing from you and i can't fix you anyway and if you're anything like me you don't stop doing stuff until you're ready to stop doing stuff and i love you enough to let you have your own experience the right answer will come if we want it god alone can judge our sex situation counsel with other persons is often desirable but we let God be the final judge. We let God be the Final Judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice. Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble. Does this mean we're going to get drunk? Some people tell us so but this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and our motives. That's what this inventory is about. Seeing my past motives in relationships and choosing a new ideal for my future sex life. If I'm sorry for what I've done and have an honest desire to let God take me to better things, now there's a promise. See, I thought if I did this inventory I was going to become dull, boring, and glum in areas of sex and that God certainly wouldn't take me to better things in this area. But he has. We believe we will be forgiven and we will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. This is not a theory. These are facts out of our experience. The director of the treatment center I went to said one time, and for a long time I didn't get it, He said, if you can continue to roll bums and stay sober, do it. And if you continue to hustle prostitutes and stay sober, sober do it and if you can continue to drink and stay sober do it to sum up about sex we earnestly pray for the right ideal for guidance in each questionable situation for sanity and for the strength to do the right thing if sex is very troublesome we throw ourselves the harder into helping others we think of their needs and work for them this takes us out of ourselves it quiets the imperious urge when to yield with mean heartache now I'd like to share two things about what happened to me when I started an inventory and stopped and it was my first one because you see I i believe that if i sincerely take the third step it goes much deeper than my head or my emotions and it's it's almost like a part of my my spirit has made a decision to to move on and if my head and my ego and my emotions stop me from writing it's almost like my spirit goes on anyway and i'm either going to watch the inventory on paper, or I'm going to watch the inventory out here in my life. And when I balk at writing it down on paper I see nothing but selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear out here in my live. And if I'm not centered in the inventory doing it on paper then I'm not centered out here doing it in my lives. So I got to the first inventory the first time and i started writing resentment and i got through it and they kept telling me once you start don't stop and i get to fear and i stopped not for real long few weeks and i almost got arrested for some gambling that i'd been doing earlier on in sobriety and i went to my sponsor with all this drama and he said oh what a great thing to happen during a fear inventory that you won't finish because you'll either run or you'll finish it that's your nature and i got off my ass and i finished that fear inventory and most of that fear was manufactured and there really wasn't about anything but i'd worked it up into such a thing i don't know what i was going to do and you would have thought i would have learned my lesson but i got to the sex inventory and i stopped again in the middle of it for a few weeks and sure enough on the same day two women called me pregnant from what i had done sober and i went to my sponsor with all this drama and he said oh what a great thing to happen in the middle of a sex inventory that you won't finish you'll either run or you'll finish it because that's your nature and i got off my ass and i finished that sex inventory and i would like to say that each inventory i've done since then i learned my lesson and i just zoom right through it but i don't and i don t know why and it gets less each time the balking because every time i don�t write an inventory when i�ve sincerely made a third step decision i watch the inventory in my life or i put it down on paper and when i�m not writing and i� m not centered in the inventory i� not centered out in my life you know i'd go to don and i'd say this and this and this is happening at work and he'd say write some more inventory and i couldn't see where writing inventory about my past had anything to do with me being crazy at work but i guess that's just one of those spiritual things that happens in this process when i was centered in the inventory i was more centered in what was going on in my life and when i wasn't centered in the inventory I wasn't centered on what was going on in my life that's all I have tonight thanks