Four Through Nine on a Constant Loop — That’s All Step 10 Really Asks of You – Pat R.

A recovered alcoholic. My name is Pat Rogan. Pat Rogan. Thanks to the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous outlined in this big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is the program of AA, I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. For that, I can't even tell you how grateful I am. AA didn't just save my life, but it gave me a new life and I absolutely enjoy my new life. Hey, Sam. I'm just thinking about you. I wasn't going to start here, but Sammy just reminded me. You know, you're never out of the woods in this thing, man. You know, not every day is peaches and cream, you know. I wish I could tell you it was just all sunshine and roses, man. But it's been a rough week for me, man, I'll tell you. It's been a long time since I've been in this kind of a conflict with anyone or anything. I mean, I walked out on a job of 34 years on Friday. You know. And I'm back, by the way. But I was willing to leave. I was willing to leave. And there were some terms that we all had to come to agreement on before I was coming back. And I'm saying that to say this, that I thought about a drink. You know, I'm in my 35th year. Now, I didn't obsess about the drink. But the thought of a drink, you know, the obsession has been removed. You know. The lie has been removed. But the thought hasn't. There's still a part of me that knows that will fix that feeling. When I walked out of that job and I was at a bottom emotionally. I mean, I was freaking hurting. And you guys know what that feels like. And I'll tell you, man, I needed to change the way I felt. That's what I felt. I need to change the way I feel. And that will work. And so will other substances similar to that. That was my second. I'm sharing with you guys. I stubbed my toe, I think, biking, you know. And my third thought was a porn site. Just being honest, right? And all of those will blow up my life, by the way, you know. Just one bad decision away from blowing up my life, right? Regardless of how much time I have behind me, I'm one bad decision away from blowing up my life. And then my next thought was, dude, get on your knees, man. You know, get on your knees. Call somebody. Sheldon and I talked that day. I think you called me, right? I was returning your call. You were returning my call, okay. Don't even remember that call. But the reason I'm bringing Sammy up is what pulled me out of it was Sammy texting me, my sponsee, Sammy, texting me saying, we are meeting at 7 tonight, aren't we? And I went, shit. Yes, I'll be there around 7.15. And Sammy and I spent an hour, maybe a little more than that, doing step work together. And it pulled me right out of it. Right out of it. He saved my ass. That's why we do this shit, you know. That's why we do this. That's why it's necessary to carry the message. And I'm not at step 12. Next week I'll talk more about that. But. But. You guys, God, through you guys, saves my ass over and over and over again. You know, because I just, just by my, just getting on my knees and asking God, please show me a way out of this. And look, we've talked about this over and over again. I'll probably talk about it more tonight. I know that rejection is really redirection in disguise. I know that through experience. Because I've been rejected over and over and over again in my life. And it's always redirected me to something better. Sometimes it takes a little freaking longer than I want it to. But eventually, looking in the rearview mirror, I see why that took place and the positive in why that took place. You know. And maybe I'll talk about that later in the set meeting if I get to it. But anyways. I'm still feeling it. You know. I'm still feeling it. But, you know, to listen to Thomas. Speak at the meeting we just did in the back room here. You know, this is a guy that I met 13 years ago. Is that what it was? Yes, sir. 13 years ago at his very first AA meeting. And I was doing a step series at the 101 Club on step one. Which he doesn't remember that. But it was on step one. And to hear his story tonight just verifies why I do what I do. This is why I stand at the freaking door. This is why. This is why at my home group I greet that newcomer coming in the door, you know. I mean, he had me in tears for an hour in there because just to see, to be part of that transformation, to be part of Sammy's transformation and Kirk and, you know, other guys that I sponsor in this room. To be part of that, and I don't mean to miss anybody, but if I did, raise your hand. But to be part of their lives is the highlight of my life. It's not about the freaking money. And it's not about the relationships anymore. And it's not about the material anymore. It's about life. It's about we get to save freaking lives here. That's a fact. This is life-saving stuff. And if you're new here, stick around, man. Trust me on this. Trust me on this. I mean, look around the room and look at this. I mean, did you hear that laughter before this meeting started? Did you hear that music before this meeting started? Not all our lives are going great right now. But when we're here and we're together and this fellowship comes together, there's a joy here that's indescribable. It's just indescribable. But you've got to trust me that it will work for you like it worked for me and like it worked for two and a half million other people. And then if you put all those other A's in there, we're probably talking 20 million people. You know? It's just an amazing gift. So anyways, we're on step 10. Which is a good thing I worked that step. How did we get here, though? You know, I know some new people in the room. How did we get here, right? Now, we made a decision to seek God's help because we admitted we were powerless. And there was no human power on this planet that was going to keep me stopped. There was no child. There was no relationship. There was no parent. And there was no judge that was going to keep me stopped. And I admitted that. That's it. That's a requirement. To admit that is a requirement for recovery. And to admit that there's no human power here that's going to keep me stopped. I was convinced of that when I came here. It's the only reason I came here. It's the only reason I stayed. If I could have done it for my son, I would have. If I could have done it for my mother, I would have. If I could have done it for the judge, I would have. I was looking at giving up my freedom for a drink, and I gave it up. I was looking at losing my son for a drink. And I traded my son for a drink. Those two steps are requirements for recovery. And then because I was convinced of those two steps, I made a decision to seek God's help. Whatever I thought that was. And let me tell you something. It was the God of my misunderstanding for almost 15 years. I didn't define it for 15 years. And it isn't necessary to define it. Just know that I'm not it. And there's no human power that's it. This spirit of the universe, this creative intelligence, this energy field. I like to call it energy. I always use the word energy because energy I can wrap my head around. No beginning, no end. Can't create it. Can't destroy it. Everything in this universe is pure energy. It kind of connects everything, doesn't it? It kind of connects everyone and everything. So I can wrap my head around that. So there was this energy. That I was going to appeal to for a solution. In the first three steps, I made a decision to seek God. In four and five, I got to know the truth about me. I got to know the truth about me. I got to become very aware of my defects of character. I got to become very aware of my brokenness in four and five. And in six and seven, knowing that I'm powerless over my defects. Knowing that I'm powerless. Over these instinctual drives that drive my defects. I admitted that I was powerless over my defects of character. And I was willing to let them go. Because I knew if I didn't let them go, I was going to drink again. And I knew I couldn't let them go. Like I couldn't let the drink go. And I knew only God was going to make that happen. Only God was going to put my social instinct in line with spiritual principles. Only God was going to put my material instincts within spiritual principles. Only God was going to take my sexual behavior. And bring it into a place where it would be acceptable. And in line with spiritual principles. Only God could do that. Because I am addicted to pleasure. More. More. More attention. More money. A bigger house. A better car. More sex. More sex. More sex. I'm addicted to it. And I'm powerless over it without God's help. And in eight and nine, I went out and tried to repair the damage that I did. With those defects of character. And when we get halfway through that process. I mean, I had a transformation at step five. And that transformation continued as I sought more of this energy. More of this positive energy. And look, be real with yourself. And don't tell me that when you walk into this room, you don't feel that energy. You know? No matter what's going on out there, right? No matter what's going on in your life. Losing your job. Right? No matter what's going on. The girl left. The guy left. Wrecked my car on the way here. As soon as you walk into this room, there's a positive energy. And there's this, for at least an hour. For at least an hour. That's God. That's my understanding of God. The energy. The positive energy that you give me. The positive energy that I get from the universe. And the positive energy that I can give you. That to me is the whole circle. That's the whole circle of life for me. You know, Sammy gave it to me Friday night. You know, Sheldon gave it to me Friday when I walked out of that job. I got it today when I heard Thomas' story again. You know? Just the positive stuff that happens in these rooms. And then we get to those, you know, there's promises all through the book. I got those fifth step promises right after my fifth step. And I wanted more of that. And that's why I continued. I wanted more of that. And I kept getting more of it. As I worked my way through the steps. And then last week we talked about the promises coming true. As we go out there and we start to repair the damage. And we feel the positive impact of repairing that damage. We want more of that. Because we want more good. We want more God. We want more of anything that feels good. Right? This feels good. I want more of this. God in my life feels good. I want more of that. So I actually, and this is weird, right? I know if you're new here. This is hard to believe. That I actually couldn't wait to go out and make more amends. I couldn't go out and, I couldn't wait to pay off my debts. I couldn't wait to make things right with the people that I had harmed. Because I knew there was a positive feeling that was going to come from that. I knew I would get more God from that. And at the end of nine, recovery is in place. It's in place. I've had the spiritual awakening. I've had the personality change. And if you haven't. Stick with it. Because 10, 11, and 12 is living it. 10 and 11 is living it. It's living what we learned in one through nine. It's doing it on a daily basis. He doesn't repeat himself very often. He repeats himself with power. He repeats himself with control. Here he repeats himself with, I'll do a blank. Continue in step 10. Right? Continue, continue, continue, continue. Four times he uses the word continue. He wants us to continue doing what we did in the first nine steps. That's what step 10 really comes down to. He says we've entered the world of the spirit. He talked about it earlier about being rocketed into the fourth dimension. That's what he's talking about. The fourth dimension is the world of the spirit. The fourth dimension is we have met God. We have contacted God. I have God in my life. That's the world of the spirit. I'm no more. I'm no longer self-reliant. I'm God-reliant. And I'll say it over and over again. I feel God when I walk into this room. I feel God when I walk into any room of recovery. I don't care what A it is. I feel that presence when I walk into church, my church, any church. I feel that presence when Sammy calls me. When Kurt calls me and sent me his text in the morning. When Steven calls me. I did leave you out, didn't I? Sorry, Steve. One of my finest students and I left him out. I'm sorry. When Steve calls, I feel it. When I call you guys, when I text you guys. I get a bunch of, I get a, I must get 15 texts in the morning. I feel that presence every time I get one of those texts. You pull me out of whatever I'm in. You know? Thank you. Thank you. You know? I need that. That's continue, continue, continue, continue. I've entered the world of the Spirit. I need more God in my life. What's our next function? To grow in understanding and effectiveness. Understanding of God's will and being effective at carrying the message of recovery. The message of God in our recovery. And I'm not trying to scare any newcomer out. I'm just saying that our solution here is God, the God of your understanding. And you don't even have to believe in that yet. I'm just telling you. That's the solution here. And maybe you're desperate enough to go from no to maybe. That's all you need to do. That's it. That's a step off of where you're at. And I'm going to tell you. You'll start getting results as soon as you take that one step off of where you're at. Maybe. Maybe this will work for me. Well, I could go on to the bitter end. I could die an alcoholic addict dead. Or I can say, okay, maybe this will work for me. Like I said, we have evidence that it works over and over and over again. This is what Bill calls the new frontier. Right? It's not about a drink or a drug anymore. It's not about that. It's about this. It's about the insides. It's about what I felt Friday. That's what it's about. How do I deal with that? How do I deal with rejection? How do I deal with losing my job? How do I do when I crash my car, which I worship? You know, what do I do when the relationship falls apart? When the marriage falls apart? There's the new frontier. Right? How do I live without a drink or a drug in my life? How do I overcome that issue? That's where we're at. The way of life. The way of life. If you look at step, and by the way, I really believe this. I believe that six and seven is so short in our book. What are we? Six lines and seven lines. Thirteen lines in those two steps. The most important steps in my opinion in the book. Right? Not that any of them are not important. But let me tell you something. If you don't change, nothing's changing. If you don't change your behavior, nobody's ever going to give you any credibility. And you're going to continue writing four steps. That's what you'll continue to do the rest of your life. Four and five over and over again. I believe those steps are that short because step ten is where we work on six and seven. On a moment to moment to moment basis. Right? As soon as I'm out of sorts, right? And I'm going to come back to ten later. But as soon as I'm out, as soon as I'm feeling restless, irritable, and discontent. As soon as I'm, I left that job, as soon as I walked out on my job. I am eaten. I have to do an inventory now. Right? Why are you resentful? And if I have to put it on paper. Now, the step ten is in a written inventory. But let me tell you something. It can be. It can be. There's nothing wrong with writing it. Nothing wrong. Look, we're going to do inventory the rest of our lives. That's the deal. That is the deal. Now, I don't care. The twelve and twelve really goes back in step eleven, I think it is. Where they talk about, we got spot check inventory. We got nightly inventory. We got annual inventory. We got semi-annual inventory. Now, if you're a guy that thinks that you do one fourth step and then you do ten. I'm on that page. If you're a guy that thinks he needs more than one fourth step a year. I'm on that page too. You want to do a fourth step every month? Fine. Whatever takes you out of that feeling. Whatever gets you through that without a drink or a drug. You do it. There's no set rule right here. It's inventory. Constant inventory. That's the step ten. It's constant inventory. I left that. Man, you are out of it. You are disconnected. You better look at that resentment right now. Why are you resentful? Oh man, I can play that in my head real quick. Who are you resentful at and why? Well, how are you affected? Oh my God. My social instinct? My security instinct? Yeah, both of them. Did you play a part in that? What did you say that made them say that? Did I play a part in it? Right? Well, because I think sarcasm is a gift. Not everybody thinks that. Especially the people on the receiving end. Tell my wife that sarcasm is a gift. Or mine. Yeah. What it is, it's a knife with humor attached to it. Right? That's what it is. It's a funny way of just cutting somebody to threads. In my book. That's what it is. And I love using it. And I had to look at that. I had to look at that inventory. What defects did you act out on here? Was this fear-based? Did you react out of fear? Were you just freaking inconsiderate? Were you dishonest? Were you selfish? We could go to the seven deadly sins, right? Pride, anger, greed, gluttony, lust, envy, sloth. Were any of those involved? And get honest with myself. Do you need to call your sponsor? Hell yeah. Hell yeah, I do. Fortunately, mine was in town. He was in from North Carolina. I sent him a text. Let's get together, man. I'm not above that. I am not above. I'm not above a drink. I am not above a drink. I'm not out of the woods. I'll never be out of the woods. I know the truth in it. Will that keep me stopped? I don't know. I don't know. Didn't do it. Inventory. Talk to my sponsor. Look at my character. Look at my character defects, which was one of those involved. Do I own amends here? Step 10 is four through nine all the time. Step four through nine all the time, right? This is how I stay in the sunlight. Better yet, in my book, this is how I stay out of conflict. I need conflict kills me. Conflict will take me to a drink. I can't afford to be in conflict. I need to be in harmony with the planet. That's where I'm comfortable. As soon as I'm in conflict with anybody, or anything for that matter, I lose that gift of the sunlight. And the forehead wrinkles, and I turn inside, and I want to blame your ass. It's about incorporating the steps in your life, moment to moment to moment, and eliminating the conflict as soon as possible. As soon as possible. The longer I hang on to that resentment, the longer I hang on to that anger. And that's what this was. This was anger. The longer I hang on to that, the more chance I am of doing something stupid. And it won't start with a drink. It'll end the drink. It'll end there. It won't start there. I might go out and spend some money I don't have. Just to feel good. I'll go buy a new vehicle or some shit. You know? That'll make me feel good for a couple days. You know? Then when I have to pay the bill, the conflict is back. You know? The sex. I'll go do some sex for you. You know? That's not picking up a drink. It's leading to it. It's leading to it. It's going to end up there. Guarantee it. It's going to end up there because it's going to blow up my life. At some point, and I think Manny and I were talking about this before the meeting, and that I actually did what this tenth step practiced. Practiced. Not at the beginning. At the beginning, it's acting out. Making it right. Acting out. Making it right. Acting out. Making it right. Right? And then we come to a meeting and go, I acted out on some old behavior today, but I made it right. No, that's current behavior. Right? That's not old behavior. Old behavior is something you don't do anymore. Current behavior is what you're acting out on. Right? But at some point, after we've practiced that, and after it's become objectionable enough, I'm sick of freaking apologizing, we show some restraint. And that's what I did Friday. I showed some freaking restraint. And I walked, I just walked out of the conflict. And I didn't talk to them for two days. Even though they were calling me to talk to me. I just knew I could not get on that phone and say the right thing. So it took me two days to settle down and where I could be rational and have a rational conversation and really look at my faults in the situation. Not that there were any. That's such bullshit, right? Takes two to tango, doesn't it? Takes two to tango. So to me, this is what six and seven has worked on is intent. I'm working on my defects of character on a moment to moment basis. I believe that's why six and seven is so short. So it's that to me also explains why do they have 10 before upon awakening? In step 11, right? That's why. Because we need to start working on those defects of character immediately. But the big book is a starting point. It's a focused reference, right? It's really an inventory step. 10 and 11 are really inventory steps in the big book. He touches on prayer meditation briefly. And it's intuition and inspiration, which maybe we'll get to today. I don't know, you know, but but it's really a focused reference. It's a starting point. The big book is here's where we're going to start working steps 10 and 11, right? So I'm going to skip around 10 and 11 a little bit, right? I'm going to tell you how it works in my life. I get up in the morning. And as soon as I look in the mirror, I go, fuck. Yeah. Shit. Yeah. Should have got more sleep. Yeah. But then then it clicks. And I look in the mirror and I go, fuck. Yeah. And I look in the mirror and I go, thank you. And that's my first words out of my mouth. Thank you for another sober day. Right. And I go in and I get my protein shake and I drink that. I start my coffee and I go sit in a chair and I read a lot. I read the text. The church sends me every morning prayer. He sends me a prayer. This man sends me a prayer every morning that I read every morning. Good. And I respond to both of them. My friend George, Big Book George from Boca, sends me an inspirational quote every day. I get the grapevine quote. And these are just short readings that I do every freaking morning. I get the grapevine quote. And then I get my shoes on while I'm sitting in that chair after I read that stuff. And I turn right to my knees on an armchair. And I do a third step prayer. And then I get up and I start my day. I get my coffee. I already drank the shake. I'm out the door. Get in the van. Drive down Sample Road. Get on the Sawgrass Expressway. And then I got to merge. And all that prayer and meditation that I just did is gone. Because there's some dumbass that's in the right-hand lane that should not be in the right-hand lane because that's an exit and entrance lane. The travel lane is in the middle and the passing lane is on the left. Who doesn't know that? So a couple of things. There's a couple of paths that show up at that situation. If I really remembered what I just prayed for, then I put my turn signal on. And I either speed up or slow it down. And merge into that little traffic area right there. Usually, I either floor it and just get in front of everybody and race you guys to the toll booth. Or you don't belong in that lane anyway. I'm going to shove you into the lane you belong in. With a turn signal, of course, to let you know I'm going to shove you into the middle lane. But as soon as I go, as soon as I get there, the tenth step hits me again. What are you doing? The forehead wrinkled. It was unwrinkled when I left the house. I'm stressed out again just merging. I always think of Arthur all the time when I tell that. Because Arthur says, do you want to stop people from cutting you off? I said, yeah. He said, let them in. It's just too simple. I remember calling my sponsor. I'm sitting on I-95 in the traffic. And I call my sponsor. I'm like, you can't going to believe this. Every freaking morning, I'm sitting in traffic for 20 minutes. Instead of being on the job making money, I'm sitting in freaking traffic. And he said, Pat, you are the traffic. And I went, oh, yeah, I am the traffic. So now I'm not the traffic anymore. I just kind of look around and say, what am I supposed to see here? Or am I supposed to read another thing? Because I get a bunch of prayers and meditations that come through my phone during the day. I really pray all day. I really do. I read prayers all day long. They just keep coming in my phone. I go all over. Oswald Chambers is my favorite. Brother Lawrence is one of my favorites. Brother Lawrence talks about it. Why do we set time aside to pray? Why don't we just pray all the time? Why don't we just bring God into everything? God, help me accept this traffic. What am I supposed to see here, God? Who am I supposed to help? Am I supposed to call somebody maybe? If somebody comes on my heart, Sammy or Kurt or Steve, they come on my heart, I make a phone call. Other guys in this room, no, they get texts from me during the day just because I think about them. Because they're part of my lifeline. They are part of my life. They're part of why I stay sober. So it tells me, start the day on purpose. Start the day with a purpose. Okay, here's what I'm going to do. It also says that if I'm stressed out about something, ask for specific help with that area. I don't know about you. I'm in the service business. I know Kurt gets it. We have jobs that we have to do every day that we've never done before. We haven't seen the job yet. So what do we do? We imagine the worst-case scenario, and then we torture ourselves until we get to that job. And I might have four jobs before that job, so my mind isn't on the four jobs I'm doing. It's on that job that I've never done before. What did I say? I always laugh. A hundred people sit there and stay, and one leaves, and you go, what did I say? So I ask God for help in the morning before I leave the house. I've got this job to do today. I've never done it before. Just get me there. Just get me there. We'll figure it out when I get there. Just take that worry off of my heart, and just let me get through these jobs one job at a time. One minute at a time. And I ask for help for that before I leave the house. Or when it comes on my mind, I ask for help with that. And that will come on my mind, on my heart over and over again during the day. But I get to jobs, and I'm asking for help. It starts to just become a way. It is just a way of life for me today. So while I'm out there during the day, that's, to me, where step 10 kicks in. I got to a customer's house, and everything went well. I left there. I got to the next customer's house. When I left that customer's house, I was in conflict. What happened? I don't have to look too far behind me, because I was good an hour ago. But right now, something's wrong. Inventory. Do I need to call my sponsor? Did I do something where I own amends on that job? Real quick, real quick spot checking. That's where step 10, to me, is right. And if I did do something there to put me in conflict with that customer, I need to make amends for it now. And I can make that situation go away now. Did I do something I shouldn't have done? Did I get away with something I shouldn't have got away with? Did I damage something and not even say anything? Got to ask myself those questions. Do I want to sit in a conflict, or do I want to make it go away? I want to make it go away. I like being in harmony with the planet. I'm getting used to that. And then the 11th step in the big book is how well did I do that today? It's another inventory step. All right? Am I holding on to a resentment? Is there something I didn't talk to my sponsor or somebody else in the fellowship about? Is there a character defect that I continue to act out on that I do something where I own amends today? And the thing that sticks out to me in that step is that we don't look back with morbid reflection. We look back with a positive attitude. How do I make this right? How do I make this right? So that's, to me, 10 and 11. Get up in the morning. Ask for help. Get that guidance all day long in step 10. In step 11, I go home and I do my nightly inventory. And I'll tell you, we created an inventory for my nightly inventory. It doesn't say you write it, by the way, in step 11, but we write it. I try to get my guys to write it. I write mine every night. Actually, I uploaded this form. If anybody wants it, let me know. I'll give it to them. I upload this form into Word, and I fill it out every night on my computer. I copy, paste it, and email it to my sponsor. And then when I close it, it asks me if I want to save it, and I say no. And then I have a blank inventory sheet for the next night. You know? So we added a few questions. Most of these are in the 11th step. It says, how was I resentful today? If I was, do a four- or five-column inventory. The second question, how was I selfish, egotistical, or self-seeking? Yes, right? How was I dishonest? We're reviewing our day. Was I dishonest today? How was I afraid? I usually have something in that column, some kind of fear. Sometimes it's the fear of speaking too much. You know? That I'm dwelling on that during the day. My biggest fear, my biggest thorn is public speaking. I hate it. I hate it. Once I get up here, God kind of guides the thing. And I don't know where it's going to go. But I hate thinking about it during the day. You know? It drives me nuts. I mean, I get into these panic attacks almost because I've got to speak tonight. But I ask God for help in the morning, immediately. I've got to speak tonight. How about just take this away? Let me worry about this later. Question five, do I owe an apology? What amends? Right? Step six, have I wrongly kept a secret? Question seven, was I unkind, cruel, harsh, or unfeeling? Question eight, was I unloving, cold, unresponsive, or indifferent? Question nine, what could I have done better? Ten, was I thinking of myself most of the time? Eleven, was I thinking of what I could do for others? Twelve, was I thinking of what I could pack into the stream of light? And most of those are not long, drawn-on questions. This is something I do in less than ten minutes at night. It's not a long, drawn-on. Most of it's no, no, no, no, no. Then we added these questions. Who did I help today? That's a great question. Who did I help? What did I accomplish today? What am I grateful for today? And who needs my prayers today? And I always, always have somebody on those lists. That's how I stay in the sunlight of the Spirit. That's how I stay connected to God. Step eleven, as far as the twelve and twelve are concerned, twelve and twelve separates all the inventories and puts all the inventories, the spot check, the nightly, the annual, the semi-annually, the ten-step inventory, the eleven-step inventory, puts them all in step ten. And they do just talk about prayer and meditation, and step eleven in the twelve and twelve. Our next function is to grow. Grow. Not maintain. Not maintain. This is growth steps. These are growth steps. We talk about maintenance steps. To maintain a building would mean to keep it the same. To maintain my vehicle would mean to keep it the same. To maintain something living means to promote its growth. If you're maintaining a plant, you're promoting its growth. If you're maintaining a living human being, we're maintaining, we're growing. That's our next one. Because it warns us, if we're just going to maintain, if we're just going to stay where we are, we're resting on our asses. We're resting on our laurels. That's what it says in the book. What does that mean? It means we're staying sober on yesterday's recovery. That river flowed. That river's gone. My morning meditation is we're starting over today. This is a new day. That day is gone. That recovery is out the window. I need to grow today. Where can I grow? That's what we're talking about. It's talking about be careful not to rest on our laurels. Where did I read it? I don't even know where I read it. There's progressing and there's regressing. There's no word called gressing. You can't gress here. It just doesn't happen. You can't. You will go backwards. If you're not moving forward, you're moving backwards here. There's no staying the same. Once again, I suffer for more. I need more. I need more God. I think it's time at Fox to talk about this never-ending desire for more God. I need more God in my life. I want more God in my life. I want to grow in that understanding and effectiveness there. It's about growing in that. There's never going to be enough. There's never going to be a place where I need to stop. This is where last week when I was talking about when I met Russell. Russell's question really is, what do you do when pages 84 through 88 don't work anymore? Right? When we're looking at the inventories in 10 and 11, what do we do when that doesn't work anymore? What about when we're doing everything this book says and we feel like crap? Or we feel like drinking? But I'm sponsoring, guys. I'm speaking at meetings. I'm doing service. I go to church. But I don't feel good. But emotionally, I'm a mess. Because there's this. My friend. My friend. My friend Ben Troxell used to say, it's called divine dissatisfaction. Divine dissatisfaction. We will always suffer from divine dissatisfaction. That we will always need more. We'll always need more God. So Russell's question to me was, what do you do when 84 through 88 doesn't work anymore? Maybe you need to reach outside of this book and check into some other books or some other fellowships. For more God. Right? And that's what I needed to do. That's what I needed to do. You know? That was. I've talked about rejection being really redirection. You know, every time. There's probably a handful, maybe more than a handful of times where I've been seriously rejected in my life. Where I thought it was the end. And what it did was redirect me to a better place. I mean, the first one that comes to mind is my husband. You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? that i held off of my fifth step that i thought i was going to take to my grave because i found a man that i trusted enough to tell him that story it's happened over and over again my the thing that brought me to russell i shared with you guys last week was my divorce after 15 years sober 15 years sober thinking i'm growing in the sunlight of the spirit and i can't keep a freaking marriage together we talk about being rejected well meeting russell and peter redirected me back to church of my childhood and i'm not suggesting i'm not pushing church i'm just telling you what i needed to do this wasn't enough i needed more and i was sitting in that church and i threw up a prayer god if you're real show me now and it he she did did that that was the day that did that that was the day that that that was the day that that that was the day that i put a name to my higher power that was the day my life changed i went from i want to kill myself i want to go hide in the woods somewhere with animals and get rid of people to i'm going to be okay i'm going to be okay and garrett maldun comes on my heart who was part of the god squad the guys i avoided russell garrett ben you know they say jesus in the meetings tradition violators and you don't say jesus no i don't think you do i asked garrett to sponsor me and here's all i asked him you scare the shit out of me but i need what you have and i want what you have and garrett sponsored me for the next 10 years until the day of his death and took me to a place that i didn't even think was possible to be okay with being rejected out of a 15-year marriage to be okay with being rejected out of a 15-year marriage with that to realize that's really what was supposed to happen how was i redirected because garrett suggested you're not going to get into another relationship for at least a year you're not even going to date for at least a year you're going to get right with god you're going to grow with god you're going to you're going to find a place where you're okay just with you and then maybe you'll have something to share with somebody else because right now you're a codependent right now you are scared to death to be alone your relationships are based on fear matter of fact you'll stay in a bad relationship just out of the fear of being alone you don't even know the difference between the fear of being alone and love and i did exactly what he told me and i run into shannon a year later a year later i run into the person i should have been with my whole life yeah and it's and i'm going to share this and i'll shut up the and i don't know if i told you this but it was the first relationship i had with him ever got into that didn't start in the bedroom first one ever right it always was about sex all my relationships were based on sex it was always in the pursuit of sex you know what we did on our first date we took sex off the table we took it off the table can we take it off the table and and she brought she breathed a sigh of relief and so did i and we spent at least three months just getting to know each other isn't that a isn't that a novel idea to see if you like somebody before you have them move in that's amazing isn't it but that's not my norm my norm is get them in bed have them move in have children with them and then see if you like that we actually fell in love before we fell into the bedroom that's a whole new experience and it's a whole new level of love let me tell you it's a whole different deal and i mean 15 years now we've been together and it's just an amazing gift it's an amazing gift it's just without the rejection i would have never been redirected and have her in my life today and that happens over and over and over again you know uh part of the reason why i'm at this group comes out of rejection right i mean there was a situation i was in with a very close friend who rejected me and out of that rejection i came out of desperation to this group and i and i ran into guys that i needed to find sheldon maddie charlie you know guys that i i didn't know that i needed to know you know and i needed what these guys have maddie's my he's my he's my father ed you know bill wilson had ebby as a sponsor but all his mysterious he took the head dollar and father ed dallas i got a sponsor that i inventory with every night but i get with this guy when i really need something when i really need some spiritual guidance i get with this this is my father ed right without that rejection i would have never been redirected here and i love the people in this room i love this group jimmy everybody that's here just this the members of this group are awesome man you guys are it's a such a welcoming loving place it really is that's enough i don't mean thanks