Finished My Big Dramatic Fifth Step, Looked Over, and My Sponsor Was Asleep on the Couch 🫠 – Julie A.

Our speaker is Julie. I have known Julie for a while. She's an amazing woman and I love what she has to share. I can't wait to hear her story. So come on up. Hey everybody, my name is Julie and I'm definitely an alcoholic. Okay, really grateful to be here. Thank you guys for asking me to do this. You know, my sobriety date is, this time, is March the 31st of 2020. And I say this time because my path to sobriety has not been a straight line. I've had many starts and many unstarts. My sobriety, with God's grace, this can be my last white chip though. So I want to offer you guys that hope too, you know. My sobriety didn't come until I was 58 years old. And so, not because I didn't start earlier than that, but you'll hear about that in my story. But you know, I'm supposed to tell you tonight what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. And you know, I could save us all a lot of time by telling you that what it was like, it sucked. What happened is I got sober and what it's like now, it's awesome. So, okay, we're done. Thanks for coming. No, I'm just kidding. There's a little more detail than that. I feel like I have to qualify my story. So I definitely will do that. But yeah, like I said, my sobriety date is March 31st of 2020. But my first AA meeting was way before that. And I'll get to that in a bit. So early childhood, I'm a native Atlantan. I'm one of the few people from Atlanta. I was born at Piedmont Hopsettle. And I grew up down south side in College Park. My younger years were pretty unremarkable. You know, I was born to, you know, I had a mom and a dad and I have an older brother and older sister. And as far as I know, none of the rest of my immediate family is alcoholic. Now, my mom may have been an alcoholic. But you know, in this program, they teach us that we can't, we can only call ourselves alcoholic. We can't call anybody else an alcoholic. But you know, we can call ourselves alcoholics. And I'm not an alcoholic. But you know, I've been an alcoholic for a long time. And I've been an alcoholic for a long time. And I've been an alcoholic for a long time. And I've been She definitely was a heavy drinker, but, and my grandfather, I believe, died of this disease as well, even though my parents told me it was kidney disease, so, anyway, as a young child, I was very active, I was a big tomboy, I wanted to play a lot of sports, I wanted to be outside, I wanted to do a lot of stuff, I wanted to hang out with the boys because boys seemed to have more fun at that time, so that's what I did, and I actually remember a story, I was very, I was probably about 10 years old, we used to play, we used to play, like, baseball on the corner, and I, it was a really hot summer day, and all the guys that I played with, they were, like, running around without their shirts off, and I was about 10 or 11 years old, and I told my mom, I want to take my shirt off and go play baseball, and she's like, you can't do that, and I didn't understand why I couldn't do that, and they got to do that, and that's kind of a theme of my life, I had a lot of ambiguity in terms of my sexuality and everything else there, but made good grades in school, my mom, I remember, my mom would come home from work, so she didn't work when I was very young, my dad was a sailor, he was out of town a lot, and then she started working, and I remember she would come home from work and have two cocktails, two cocktails, and I remember thinking, well that's kind of, I mean, that's like a habit, does she have to drink every night, you know, at that point, and, but I didn't taste my first taste of alcohol until, I actually had a taste of alcohol when I was very young, let me back up for a sec, so when I was about that same age, 10 or 12 years old, I had my first taste of alcohol. My mom, my grandmother and I were visiting my aunt and uncle who lived down in Florida, and I was the only kid, and they were out, they were in the living room having, you know, cocktails, and, you know, carrying on and communicating, and I kind of was feeling sorry for myself because there weren't any other kids around, so I went and sat in the living room, it's pretty much, and self-pity is definitely on my character defect list, so I was in there kind of feeling sorry for myself, and my aunt came in there thinking, I guess she thought she'd make me feel better, and she brought me a, like a juice glass. Full of beer, and I drank it, and it tasted terrible, but I tell you what, even back then I was like, well now I'm cool, you know, I'm drinking like the big guys are, you know, but I wouldn't drink anymore until about, until I was in high school, and I did very well in high school, I did a lot of things like kind of first, you know, I like, for example, in eighth grade, we didn't have a, I was an athlete, in eighth grade we didn't have a girls basketball team, so I tried out and made the boys team, well guess what, when you're in eighth grade, boys aren't very nice in eighth grade, and all they want to do is try to hurt you. And I didn't get to play very much, but I also, you know, did some things, I was, did a lot of things in high school, one of the things I'm proud of is I actually got a petition signed, a thousand signatures, I think I forged about 200 of them, but I got a, and that pattern would be repeated later when I had to get my paper signed, but I got about a thousand signatures to save the Fox, you know, they were going to tear the Fox down years ago, I don't know if y'all know that or not, and it's obviously a landmark in Atlanta, and they were going to wear that big AT&T belt. They wanted to build that building on that property, and so I got a bunch of signatures, and I like to think I helped save the Fox, but at any rate, so high school was doing well, I excelled, I was making good grades, I played basketball, and then I turned around in like March with the drill team at halftime, and you know, had a lot of friends, and honestly I hear a lot in these rooms, people just feel like they didn't fit in, and you know, I always felt like I fit in. I do. I do, looking back, though, I realize that, you know, I battle with my sexuality a lot, you know, I had a boyfriend, then I had a girlfriend, it was all kind of like that in high school, so I guess if I didn't fit in, that was probably part of it, but I remember the first time I actually got my friend, one of my, my first girlfriend, actually, was about, she was 18 when I was like 14 or 15, and I remember calling back then, you could get, you know, you could get alcohol when you were 18, and I was, a kid in my class was having a party. I was having a party at his house, his parents were out of town, and so I called her to get me some beer, right, so she got me a six-pack of beer, and I went to the party, and it was in the winter sometime, and so I kept it outside, right, just to keep it cold, and I'd go outside, and I'd come back in with a beer, and everybody goes, oh my God, you've got beer, can I have one? I'm like, sorry, it's my last one, and I said that, you know, with every single beer, so the line started early, you know, and later on, I would go on to say, you know, I only lie when I'm drinking, well, you know, that was all the time, pretty much. Towards the end there, but anyway, the line started early, and the, you know, the manipulation and all that, all that stuff, too, so that was in high school. I went on to graduate high school, and go on to college, and that's really where my drinking career really got shoved into high gear, I guess, you know, I, but everybody else was doing it in college, too, you know, so I just, I didn't realize, I didn't think that I was any different, or drank any different than other people, but now, looking back, you know, hindsight's 20-20, I really have to, you know, most, people in college don't make a beer run to the next county at 2 a.m., you know, they're just like, oh, it's 2 a.m., we're out of beer, I think I'll just go to bed, but that's not what happened with me, we'd make a beer run, and, you know, but fortunately, for the most part, I was able to avoid consequences, you know, through college. I'll tell you one consequence that I, that I did not avoid in college, so I went to college with the intention of playing college basketball, and I, I went to Clemson University, I'm very proud of that, but I decided to go there, I had some smaller school, I wasn't that great, I had some smaller scholarship offers, but I thought, well, I'll just go to Clemson and walk on to, you know, try out for the team, and I'll make it, and everything will be good, and, and that's one, one time that, when alcohol, when I started having consequences from alcohol, because, you know, I, I went, the first year I went, I tried out, and the coach told me, you know, you're good, and I'd love for you to be on our team, but the people that aren't on scholarship, we've kind of got the others, that we have, like, four spots, and they're all promised, and so I just decided, well, I guess I'll just go to Clemson University, and I'll just be a typical freshman, and I started, you know, doing what freshmen do, and I drank a lot, and I partied a lot, and totally lost interest in pursuing my basketball career by the next year, you know, by the next year, I'd done a lot of partying, and it just wasn't on my agenda anymore, so that's really a consequence, but that's something I lost, that I really was looking forward to. So, we, in college, my, my drinking accelerated, we used to go out, my roommate, who was a gay guy, we used to go out to the gay bar, like, every Saturday night, we'd drive, like, 30 miles, it was in another city, you know, you had to go a long way, so we'd drive out there, and we'd party all night, and we'd drive home, you know, 30 miles, and one night, I was, well, this was actually my senior year, I guess, in college, I was student teaching, and I had to be, I had to teach the next morning, and I'd gone out that night, and I was driving home by myself from this, from this club, and I remember getting kind of sleepy, I was probably almost in a blackout, but, which would come, you know, I've blacked out many times since then, but. I remember getting sleepy and thinking, I need to pull over and take a little nap, you know, it's like 2 a.m., and so, I pulled into the parking lot, it was like a strict, like a, you know, small shopping center, and I parked, but for some reason, I decided it would be better, I didn't want to park in front of the businesses, so I turned my car to the right and went out in the middle of this field that was adjacent to all these shopping centers, and just turned the engine off and went to sleep, and so, I wake up as the sun's coming up, and I thought, well, okay, and I look around, like, how, you know, I was kind of like, how did I do that? How did I get here, you know, and I'm like, okay, just be calm, just get your car going, get back home, take a shower, and go teach these high school people, and so, I get in my car, and I start it up, and I'm, like, it had been raining all night, I was about this deep in the mud, and of course, my wheels just spun, spun, spun, spun, spun, spun, and I went nowhere, anyway, I was able to get that tow, you know, back then, I was still able to keep it together enough to make things happen, like call the tow truck, you know, get, and I still made it to class that day, so, you know, in those early years, the concept lenses were not, didn't affect me that much, and so, I just, you know, kept on keeping on, so, so, that was called, managed to graduate from college, and I went on to medical school, and was accepted, and didn't really, during that time, my drinking, I was able to actually minimize my drinking at that point, because I wasn't, I wasn't in full-blown alcoholism at that point, I was able to minimize my drinking, because at that point, I was able to determine that my career, you know, I was able to, you know, I was able to, you know, I was able to, you know, this would affect my career, was more important than, than what I, whatever I was doing, and I loved what I was doing, so, I did minimize my drinking, I think I smoked a lot of pot, you know, but, anyway, and a lot of these things I don't remember, it's like, it's every time I tell my story, I remember something else that had, had shoved way down there, but, at any rate, so, yeah, so, I didn't drink that much in PA school, and then, I, I graduated, and I had been seeing this person, and after I graduated, I worked for a little while in Atlanta, and she was from California, so, I did my first of what would be many geographicals, and by that, if you never heard that phrase before, it's kind of like, you're running away from your current situation, but, you know what, you've all heard this, everywhere you go, there you are, right, so, I moved out to California when I was about 25 years old, and that's when my alcoholism and drug addiction actually accelerated tremendously, I started hanging out with, so, I moved out there with my girlfriend, and we'd been out there about a month. And she dumped me, and so, I'm like, well, great, you're on 3,000 miles from home, what am I going to do? And I decided it was a turning point in my life, and I could either suck it up and go back home to mama, or I could just tough it out, you know, and I grew up a lot during that time, but she had a couple of twin brothers, and they liked to party all night, y'all know what I mean, and so, I started doing that, and I was up all night, and I was partying all night, but I was working all day, still keeping it together, you know, functional addict, basically, and, and that went on. Um, for years out there, eventually, I would, I would do two more geographics, because I would end up moving back home, uh, for a while, and then moving back out there, but when the first time I moved home, um, my first AA meeting, I was invited to my first AA meeting, I was working at a big cardiology practice, and I, um, was invited to go to my first AA meeting in 1991, okay? Y'all, I've been sober five years, okay? That was a long time ago. But I think she saw something in me. That I, that I couldn't see in myself, or wasn't ready to see in myself, you know, coming in, whether it was coming in to work, hung over one too many times, whether it was not doing the work that she knew I was capable of doing, but in a friendly way, she invited me to go to an AA meeting, and I said, great, because she was cute, so I'm like, I'm going to go with you, so we went to the AA meeting, and it was down at the, uh, the Terror Club, which is down in Haightville, and it, uh, so it was 1991, at the Terror Club, and really all I saw was just a bunch of old men smoking cigarettes, you know, they used to smoke cigarettes in the meetings. back then, but you know what, there's a good lesson in this, because we see what we want to see, or what we're ready to see, and in that case, I didn't want to see anything that looked like me, or was anything like me, and that's exactly what I saw. I saw a bunch of old men smoking cigarettes, and I'm like, I don't smoke cigarettes, and I'm not an old man, so this can't be for me, and I ran pretty hard, uh, away from that meeting, and I didn't return to another AA meeting. My alcoholism continued to progress until 1999, when the judge told me I had to go to a meeting. And get my paper signed, and I was, I was going to the meetings, and then drinking after the meetings, and that's a really difficult, um, feeling. You know, they say you've got a head full of AA and a belly full of beer, it just doesn't feel too good. So, um, so I did that in 1999, that was the first of four DUIs, yes, I am the four DUI club, I think I qualify for my seat here, amongst other things. Um, so that was the first of many, and that was in the late 80s. In the early 90s, I moved back to Atlanta. I was at an AA meeting in 1990. In 1991, didn't go back to the entire 90s, and I don't remember much of the 90s either to be honest with you, but, um, but I did go back in 99, but I, obviously I didn't get sober then. Um, so, 2000, oh yeah, so then, so by that time I'm living back here, um, in Atlanta, and I had been seeing someone that relates, and I bought a house, my first house, I was 42 years old, I was so proud, and, um, that, the person I'd been seeing I thought was my future forever person. And my, my, another relationship, this is another relationship that's lost to alcohol use, okay, and, um, I lost many relationships, many jobs, um, my mom used to tell me, I love to tell this, my mom used to tell me, Julie, you're so good at getting jobs, and I'm like, that's because I'm so good at losing them, you know, you gotta be able to get a job if you lose a job, but back then I could still make that happen, and, um, so, uh, yeah, so that, uh, I had a relationship that ended, bought my house, and then, you know, I was living in my house by myself, uh, single and solo, and you can guess how much I started accelerating my, my youth at that time, but, um, I think I didn't come back into AA, I remember it was, okay, so, let me not leave out stuff, so in 2012, yeah, that, oh, 2012, I, um, I had a, uh, a really serious motorcycle accident, and I was impaired when I was riding the motorcycle. I would go, I used to go down. I used to go down here, right over here, to this drive-thru liquor store. I used to drink Jägermeister, beer and Jäger, and I bought a bottle of, I bought a pint of Jäger, I had it in my pants back here, because that's how I carried it, and I was on the motorcycle, and I was racing, I'm in a blackout, so the details are very fuzzy, but I just remember thinking, I can make that curb, I'm pretty sure I can jump that curb, and, and I, and I did, I jumped the curb, and then, and then what, and I ended up on the, on the ground, and I actually, um, I actually set up a motorcycle, and I, and I, and I, and I covered my leg, my right leg, it was, I, I stood up, you know, I panicked, I stood up, I got knocked out, and I stood up, and I panicked, I looked down at my leg, and literally, it was doing just like this, because it was hanging by a couple of tendons, and everybody's like, you just need to lay back down, lay back down, the ambulance is coming, I'm like, okay, and so I laid back down, and the ambulance came, and I, um, ended up in the hospital for a couple of weeks, I had about seven surgeries, um, to fix that, they were able to, thank goodness, they were able to, to fix that, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, to save my leg, and this, this is one of, one of the first of many, many, many dodge shots in my life, all the dodge shots, because the surgeon that was on call that night, he was a, it was at Atlanta Medical Center, and he was a, um, traumatic plastic surgeon, and had he not been on call that night, and the orthopedic doctors, he told me this much later, had been the only ones on call, I would be an amputee right now, I wouldn't even have my leg to walk on, so that's just one of many miracles that's been happening in my life, and there's, and there's a ton. Um, so that was in 2012, so. So, yeah, I went two weeks without drinking, I was in the hospital, and so I came home on my 51st birthday, and my niece, bless her heart, she decorated the whole house, happy birthday, blah, blah, blah, and I was determined to get out of the hospital for my birthday, I made, I should have stayed longer, but they're like, okay, fine, we'll let you go, and I came home, and just pretty much just passed out, you know, when I got there, and couldn't do the party, but, so my mom was living with me at that time, I should back up a little bit, so my mom, um, moved in with me in 2011, and, and she moved in with me in 2011, and so my sister and brother had put, she'd been living alone, she was drinking a lot, she was falling down, my sister and brother had put her into a nursing home, and, um, I had decided that she was too young to be in the nursing home, and so I got her out of the nursing home and moved her in with me, and during those four years, I'm really, really grateful now that she's gone, I lost her in 2019, but I'm really, really grateful that I was able to have those four years with her. Um, and I was mostly sober during that time, but also, too, um, we also drank together when I wasn't sober. My mom was my drinking buddy, so she wasn't real supportive of my, when I said I'm going to quit drinking, I'm only going to go to AA, she didn't ever want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it, you know, because she was going to lose her drinking buddy, but I remember going to a, um, going to a, um, psychiatrist, the things we try, right? I went to a psychiatrist, and I said, you know, I think I may have a problem with drinking, um, but, and I want to go to a program, but I don't want it to be an AA program, a 12-step program. She says, why is that? And I said, because it doesn't work for me. And she says, have you tried it? I said, yeah, I've been to a few meetings. Everybody here knows, if you don't know, a few meetings, they don't cut it. So, um, at any rate, so what I did at that time, this is like 2013, I, um, oh, let me back up. So 2012, this is so funny. So my mom was in a wheelchair, and when I came home from the hospital, my leg, I was in a wheelchair, right? So, so yeah, you're laughing already. So my leg was like all the way. I'm out here in this wheelchair, right? And I'm rolling around like that. And my mom had a habit of parking her wheelchair in the threshold between the dining room and the kitchen. And she'd just park it there. And I'd be like, ma, you can't park your wheelchair there, because I've got to get through here, you know? We were like bumping into each other. And she's like, honey, you want a drink? I'm like, sure. She'd go over there and fix me a drink and bring it over to the couch, and I'm laying on the couch, and it started to ride. I remember some of my friends came over to visit me, some of my work friends came over to visit me. And I remember looking at this one guy's. He's like, hi. I'm like, does anybody want a shot? And he's like, oh, you know, his eyes got real big. Like, you're two days out of the hospital. Do you want to do a shot? So that's kind of the story. That's kind of how it went with me. So anyway, so mom was living with me. This is like, she lived with me from 2011 until 2015. So 2012, I had this bad accident. In 2013, I went to the psychiatrist and said, I want to go to a program that's not a 12 steps. It's not going to work for me. And I decided to check myself into a program at a place called St. Simon's by the Sea. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Yeah. I'm like, I'm going to go down there. I'm going to spend me a month on the beach. I'm going to not have a drink. I'm going to be great. So I went down there. It took me three days to get from Atlanta to St. Simon's. It's a five-hour trip. I went via Savannah and drank until I was so drunk I had to get a hotel room. I had to get a hotel room. I had to get a hotel room. And then I tried to drive from Savannah to St. Simon's, which is not very far. But I drank that whole time, too, and had to get another hotel room. So I passed out. And I finally made it there. I was stinking drunk. I'd just been drinking the whole time. And they admitted me. And then they kicked me out after about six days because my insurance wouldn't pay anymore, right? So I was real sober then, six days in rehab. And I went to, I did go to a meeting when I got out. And I was able to stay sober that time for about two weeks. And then I started drinking again. And this is a pattern in my life. I've had several relapses. I've got a ton of white chips. And I think, looking back, you know, at the time, they're like, you know, are you ready to do whatever it takes to stay sober? I remember this one girl, one time I went to a meeting, and every time I'd come back in, I'd be so ashamed and so embarrassed. But nobody could beat me up worse than I'd beat myself up. You know, once again, I tried and I failed. But I met nothing, I saw nothing but love in these rooms. These rooms. And I remember. Them telling me, just let us love you until you can love yourself. And so I started to let them, you know. But my pattern, it was up and down and up and down for many years. And 2015 was a really bad year for me. I was drinking the whole time. And I had a job that was too good to be true. And it was too good to be true. And I was drinking day and night by that time. I was drinking at work. And one night, I came home. And my mom and I were drinking, and I think I passed out about 6.30 in the evening. And so I'd gone upstairs to pass out. And my mom, who was in a wheelchair, she was living downstairs in my basement. And she didn't quite make it down the stairs that night. And I heard a big clunk. And she had fallen down the stairs. And she had suffered what they called subdural hematoma, a brain bleed, basically. And I was really, really drunk. And I was not even there for her. And she ended up back in the hospital. And after that, she ended up back in the nursing home. So she lived with me from 2011 to 2012. And I got sober in 2015. But 2015 was probably the worst year. And in 2016, in February 2016, I got sober again. And I managed to stay sober this time for almost two years, 22 months. And, yes, I worked the steps. But, no, I was not all in. I kept having, you know, it was always, looking back, I kept thinking in the back of my mind, well, I'll be sober unless this happens. And then I'm going to have to drink. And the biggest thing for me, as opposed to my mom, that reservation was when mom dies, I'm going to probably drink, you know. Even though it wasn't conscious, it was subconscious at that point, you know. And so from 2016, February 2016 to December of 2017, I decided to go to Europe all by myself. And I went to Italy. And I did Rome and Florence and Venice. And it was beautiful. And I was in Rome. And I had a nice dinner. And I ordered dessert. And they brought me the wrong dessert. And I just fussed and made a big stink about how it was the wrong dessert. So as a, to make it right, the man brings me a shot of limoncello. That's like an Italian. And I didn't think twice. Just like that. And then, immediately, the obsession starts. Now, I talk about this. It's a craving. And then it's a mental obsession. And that obsession started immediately. After I took that shot. Now, I didn't obsess to a point where I'm like, I've got to have more. I've got to have more. I've got to have more. Although I've done that plenty of times in the past. But this particular obsession was, oh, wow. You know, Rome is so nice. And I'm here all by myself. And I don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. And gee, what about this? And just that whole pity party thing. And so I didn't drink anymore. But I did have to go through Amsterdam on the way home. So I did smoke some pot. But I didn't tell my sponsor about it. Who's here tonight? By the way. And I didn't tell her about it. And in fact, I picked up what's called a dirty chip. I didn't tell anybody about it. I lied for like two months. And that, let me tell you, that's the worst feeling. Especially after being sober for that amount of time. Because one of the principles of this program, the first step, as a matter of fact, is honesty. So, you know, my biggest issue is I wasn't being honest with myself. It talks about it in the big book. It talks about you have to admit to your innermost self, you know, that you're an alcoholic. And I kept thinking, you know, there have been so many things in my life that I've been able to manage. So as far as the first step, you know, I knew that I was powerless over alcohol. But I didn't really think my life was that unmanageable, you know. I either had a job or I could get a job, right? I still had a house. You know, I had stuff. It's all stuff. But let me tell you what I didn't have. Or what I did have, I should say. What I did have, in addition to this stuff, was this gigantic hole in my soul. A gigantic hole in my soul that no amount of alcohol and no amount of stuff could fill it up. And you know why I had that big hole in my soul? Because I was spiritually bankrupt. You know, all this alcohol, all this separation, you know, when I'm drunk, I can't, I'm separated from the sunlight and the spirit. And you do that over and over and over and over and over again, then my higher power got pushed way to the bottom. Now, you know, I grew up with a belief that there was a power greater than myself. I grew up with that belief ever since I was very little. And interestingly enough, even since I was very little, I always thought there was a big difference between religion. And spirituality. And I don't even know why I thought that. But I've learned a lot more about it since being in these rooms. So, yeah, I had an empty soul. And so, I picked up that dirty chip in 2018. And I got back in here and I started working, doing the work again. And I stayed sober for about 15 months. And then my mom died. I'm so grateful that I was sober during that last part of her life. Even, even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. Even. And I'm just grateful that I at least had that time, you know, because there were so many times that I wasn't present, you know. And my mom died and I had friends who had surrounded me in AA. And I went to be with them. And then I had to go make some funeral arrangements. And I intentionally went by the liquor store and got something to drink. This was an intentional, intentional. This was, you know, they talk about, they say that resentments are our worst enemy. And, you know, that was, I was drinking at the fact that she was a bad person. She was gone, you know. And I was also, the whole pity thing was coming back, too, you know. And, but that, you know, so that lasted about a week. And I would go on to relapse two more times in that next year. Once, because they kept my pay at work. You know, there's always a reason, right? There's always a reason. In fact, I need that. My big book right there. It's under my pocket book. Your book? Yeah, there's always a reason. There's always a reason why we have to do it, right? And that's the thing. And it actually says, I want to read you right now one of my favorite passages in the book. It's a big book. It's on page 24. And it says, and it's in italics. And my sponsors have always taught me, if it's in italics, you better pay attention, because it's pretty important. And it says, the fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, obscure meaning unknown, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness, with sufficient force, the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week, or a month ago. We are without the sense. And that was me. You know, each time I realized how miserable I've been. You know, I was drinking from the minute I got up. My mom would say, like, you know, let's make some coffee. I'm like, who needs coffee? I've got vodka. You know, seriously. From the minute I got up until the minute I passed out. And I was no good to myself, and I was no good to anybody else around me. But that's what it was to me. Those memories of how bad it was, you know, once that craving kicked in, and once that mental obsession kicked in, I didn't think about how bad it was. I didn't think about my four DUIs. I didn't think about my leg almost getting cut off in a motorcycle wreck. I didn't think about all the relationships I'd lost. I didn't think about all the jobs I'd lost. I just thought, I've got to get some more. Okay? And what comes between us in that first drink? What is it that comes between us? It's our spirituality. It's our connection with our higher power. Because if I'm convinced of anything, the one thing I know in this is that I can't do this alone. And that means I need all of you, and I need my higher power. Because I've tried to do it alone over and over and over again. I used to say, getting sober is easy. I've done it a lot of times. But staying sober is a little bit of a trick. So to stay sober, we have an outline that tells us how to stay sober. And it's those steps on the wall. That's a design for living. And, you know, that's pretty much what I've been searching for my whole life anyway. So I came back in here after two more relapses back in 2020. And I made some changes. And those changes that I made to my program were that this came absolutely first. That sobriety, you know, you've heard it in the rooms. Your sobriety has to come first, or everything you put ahead of your sobriety, you will lose. And I've lived that. I've had that experience. And so I've made my sobriety the very most important thing. I have a sponsor. I sponsor women. I do service work here. Service is really important, too. And even if it's just the littlest thing, you know. I remember early on, I was thinking, well, I don't have no sobriety to do service. But, you know, I mean, you can help make the coffee. You can help clean up. You can, you know, there's a lot of things we can do for service. And it keeps you involved. You know, it keeps you connected. Keeps me connected, I should say. So I, let me see. So in March of 2020, in March of 2020, I called my friend who I've known off and on through the years. And she was about 10 years sober. At the time. And I was drunk when I called her. And she said to me, she said, I'll never forget this. She said, Julie, God's not going to take that drink out of your hand. But your relationship with God will keep you from picking one up. And my mind just went, I think I was drunk and that just made it through, you know. And I found that to be true. So I started coming here to Nava. I'd been going to another place. And, you know, I thought, well, that's the reason I can't stay sober. I'm not going somewhere else, right? Got to change everything. But the truth of the matter is I couldn't stay sober because I wasn't convinced that I couldn't do it on my own. Honestly, I needed these people. So, yeah, my sobriety has been up and down and up and down and up and down. But coming into these rooms, let me tell you the things that I've gotten from this. Far more than I ever imagined. One of the biggest things I've gotten is I don't feel alone anymore. At the end of my drinking, I was so lonely. It talks about it in the book, about how that devastating vapor of loneliness. Man, I remember the first time I ever heard that. I read it in a room, and I'm like, that's me. I feel that, you know. On the outside, I'm outgoing. I talk to everybody. But on the inside, I was all alone. And nobody understood it. But we understand it in here. We all understand it because we've been the same route. And the aloneness was gone. I began feeling like I was a part of. And I don't care if you're talking about, you know, alcohol is synonymous or just life in general. Community is very important. We are connected. We're not meant to be alone. That's my belief. And I, well, you know, look at it realistically. I remember as far as the, I was insane. But going back over my life, I sure did a lot of insane things. And usually, and some of which I can't remember, of course. But, and just the insanity. The insanity of doing the same thing over and over and over again, expecting it to be different. Every time I go out there, I'd be like, this time it's going to be different. This time I'm just going to have a couple of drinks. I used to go to the bar. I worked there. And in this, I worked in this job for about eight years. And I wore scrubs. And I go, after work, I'd rush to the bar across the street. And people would say, oh, you're in scrubs. They'd be like, are you a dog groomer? And I'm like, yeah, I'm a dog groomer. Because I was embarrassed to say I was a health care professional. Because they knew how I drank. Because I was drinking with people that drank like me. Yeah, dog groomer. I'd love to be a dog groomer. Yeah, I love dogs. But my life has changed so tremendously now. I've been coming to the 545. I've been coming to the 545. I've been coming to the 545. We meet here every day at NAVA. And these are people that are going to have my back if I need anything. The other things you find out in these rooms is there's always somebody who's been through what you're going through. I remember when I did my first four-step with another sponsor. And, you know, I remember thinking, oh, wait till she hears this. You know, I've got this. You tell all this stuff. And it's going to be, you know, wow. And first of all, most of the time, my experience was they'd be like, oh, yeah, I did that. I did that. I did that. So I finish up my four-step. We're at her house. And I finish up my four-step. And I look over there. And she's asleep on the couch. And I was like, damn. I guess it wasn't that special after all, you know. And then the other thing, too, is I, so I, that first four-step, I went home. My poor doggie was dying. And they say that you're supposed to go home and reflect after you do a fifth step. You're supposed to go home and reflect for an hour and make sure you didn't leave anything out. I didn't reflect at all. So I stepped right into that. I think he ended up dying. I think he ended up dying, like, within a week or two. I'm just saying that to say that don't be afraid of the four-step, you know. And don't feel like you're, there's going to be a lot of stuff that you don't think about, you know, especially early on. You know, I mean, I've done several four-steps since then. And they're all different just because my life is different. My brain is different. I become clearer every day for the most part. And I remember things that I didn't, that I didn't remember before. But it's, you know, and I did not. I'll be honest. I did not feel a sense of relief right after that first four-step. Some people say they feel like this big weight was lifted. I think because I went home to a sick dog maybe. But since then, I definitely have felt the relief. And, you know, as far as relationships, well, I got married for the first time last year. And I was able to get married. My sponsor married us, which was really cool, you know. I mean, I'm going to get teared up just thinking about it, you know. But the sponsor had seen me go through all this for years. I got married. I am in the process of starting my own business now at my age, which is kind of scary. But, you know, somebody told me a couple weeks ago, I had a really good speaker here. And she says, you know, you just have to, you have to walk through the fear to get to your dreams. And we have to start by putting the bottle down or the drug or whatever. Because you can't, we can't make a start without that. That's just the first step. But if you think that's all there is to this program, you're sadly mistaken. Like I said, this is a design for living. You know, I remember I used to love this rock and roll song that said, all I want is to find the peace and peace of mind, you know. And I was like, yeah, that's me. I just need some peace of mind. Well, I've got that now. And the good thing is that, you know, I'm going through a lot of changes right now. I mean, I got married last year. We're trying to figure out two houses, starting this business, all these high stress things. And sometimes, you know, I get a little freaked out. But for the most part, I know I'm going to be okay because I am okay. And no matter what, my higher power is going to take care of me. As long as I can. I'll keep doing the deal that he's sent me down here to do. You know, I was riding the car the other day, and my partner says, you know, you're a much better driver than you used to be. And I was like, really? You know, I mean, because I still cuss when I drive. I'm not going to lie. That's like the one thing that I haven't quite gotten the handle on. But she's like, yeah, you don't cuss nearly as much as you used to when you're driving. I'm like, yeah, I'll keep it clean. We're being recorded. But I do. I do cuss when I drive. But as far as like, I just know I'm going to be okay. I have that overwhelming sense of being okay. And that was nothing. I was nowhere near that when I came in here, I assure you. And I thought, why am I going to try this again? You know, I keep failing. But I did keep trying. If there's one message I want you guys to take home from tonight, is that just keep coming back. No matter if it's your first time, your second time, your twelfth time, your fiftieth time. Because we're going to be in here, and we're going to welcome you back. And we're going to, you know, you. And coming back in keeps me sober. Honestly, it does. And, you know, that's why I do work with, that's why I work with sponsees. That's why I do service work. You know, all those things help keep me sober, too. And I don't want to ever go back there. My life was basically over. You know, I hear people a lot in the rooms talk about how they wanted to end their life. Or they tried to end their life. And I'm all, well, that's not me, you know, because I'm too tough for that, right? Or whatever. That motorcycle wreck, I think that was trying to end my life. I really, I didn't realize that. For many, many years. But I do believe that that was my attempt at ending it. Because I just couldn't handle it anymore. Man, I look forward to every day now. I really do. I'm between jobs right now. So it's not quite as exciting as it was when I was. Even if I'm broke, I still have a lot. That's right. Because I've got in here. I've got my higher power. I have this program. And today, I don't have to pick up a drink, even if I want to. I'll say this, though. I like to say this in my story. So when I intentionally drank and my mom died in June of 2019, I didn't drink for very long. But I will tell you, it was my friends in this program that got me to that funeral. Because I was home and I was drunk. And the funeral was far away. And they came and literally got my clothes, put me in the car, and made sure I made it to my mom's funeral. Now, my dad died in February. I did not have to take it. So, you know, you know, every, every, every, unfortunately, in this life, pain's a great thing. It's a great motivator. You know, it's what, I'd be willing to bet it got a lot of y'all in here from the pain. And the pain gets too much if you've got to do something different. And this is really such a great way of life. And even now, today, this is a very divisive world we live in. If you turn on the news, you turn on anything, you're going to hear two different people saying two different things. And you're right and I'm, you're wrong and I'm right. But with this program, for the most part, I know I'm okay. And I can, I don't have to get involved with that. You know, what you think of me is none of my business. Somebody told me that, and I went, what? But anyway, if you're willing to, to, to strive, to do whatever it takes, to have a life that you can be proud of, to have your insides match your outsides, to be authentic, that's one thing that's really, I've really gotten out of this program. I feel like I'm being my authentic self. I'm being honest. What you see is what you get. And I really appreciate y'all letting me share. That was amazing, Julie. First I slept, you read me. I look at you all. Sometimes we'll make a kiss, what we are. On a broad highway, we won't try.