Financial Amends and Restitution – 12 Step Workshop – Part 2 of 5 – Debbie D.

And that reminds me about money. If you are about owing people money, some come in here with a lot of debt. Some might be just a little. With owing money, here's your guideline. Again, you make the amends just like you normally would, but be prepared to bring a check or some cash with you. And my guideline was this is the amount I owe. Is that correct? Because again, maybe I've shorted myself a little bit. If we have an agreed upon amount, then there's an agreed-upon, I can afford to pay you back X amount on a monthly basis, let's say. And what I also pass on is how I treated it, is that if it's due on the 1st, I mail it the 25th, and by God, it's peanut butter and jelly, that check is made and it's good and it is there before its time because here is one more opportunity I get to show them I have changed I can be that silent ambassador of Alcoholics Anonymous by my new behaviors and so it is very important that whatever commitment I make I keep it absolutely without fail there is no excuses whatsoever. Flat tires, vet bills, that money is in the mail on time and it's a good check. So keep that in mind as you make those financial amends, for example, that you get to be an ambassador for AA and show them that you mean business. I understand these days some of the stores like Macy's and stuff like that even have this separate accounting now for people like us they have this seperate fund so they can help give clothes and buy clothes for homeless and what not they've just set up a fund for people like us isn't that great Barbara I think you touched on it but some old times said when you go to make the amends don't use that whole as an excuse you go in to make amends. You're not there doing it because you're on my step and I have to do it better. So what's your opinion? A lot of people say, and they think, well, she's only doing it because she's an alcoholic. That's really... I've had old times used to say don't do that. That's a good point. Even when sponsees will wear a dress to their home group, why are you wearing a dress? I say, do not say, my sponsor makes me, my sponsor forces me. Say, because I want to. Because I'm not forcing you to do anything. I'm not making you do anything? You do it because you've chosen to follow some suggestions I've made. I am not making nothing. So take responsibility for your choice. Don't lay it off on somebody. So that is kind of along those lines. Yeah. Kate? Yeah. In this whole amends process, where does the apology fit in? I mean, if you're making amends and you're telling them what your harm is and asking them is there anything else, where did the apology fit in, does it in some instances fit and others not, And then do we tell the person during this process what our intentions for the future are, like with the restitution for money? You know, I'm going to change my behavior and these are what my intentions are. Is that part of it also? Right, good question. When we're starting that amend, it is about I regret some of these actions and the harms I've caused you. I apologize for these harms that I'm aware of. As far as telling them how now I'm going to be different, it really is more of just simply if I'm making these amends, I'm probably already started, hopefully started the difference process of it because I've come to them and I've admitted these harms. these wrongs to them. Secondly, it's really we've talked it to death. Let's demonstrate it. That's where it lies. If they want to say, well, what are you going to do different? Well, this is my plan. This is the process I'm on. This is what I do on a daily basis is this and that. Or keep up the good work or whatever they might say. So I don't really describe, and so from here on out, I'm never going to lie again. Or from hereon out, I'm going to do this. That's my goal, but I don' t necessarily indicate that as well. Yeah, I think the humility of it is, the doing the financial thing would be this is what I can afford per month is that okay with you again, I want to make a collaborative thing here if I can do 50 and they say no, you need to do 1,000 well, I mean I'm not going to be able to afford 1, 000 a month but I can give 50 and I will be consistent so So I think when we're paying people back like that, I mean, it is going to... Now the IRS is another thing. That's a whole other animal. Make the best deal you can. And it even says it in our literature, make the best dealer you can and... With the IRS? Yeah, with the IRS you can use a professional exactly and conversations with them are needed. So with the IRS, that's okay. So then with credit cards... Make the best deal you can. Make the most deal you know you can, even though you chose to charge up thousands of dollars. If they'll work with you. And if they'll look at you and you get off for $150,000 or $2,000. Say $2.000 and they say, Okay, but we want $1,000 in two weeks and we want another $1,000 in two months. But you've charged up $80,000. Yeah, I mean, again, I can't really identify each possible scenario. Just make the best deal you can. But obviously you cannot get blood out of a turnip either. So you have to say, well, this is what I can give you. I assure you they will cash the check. Right. They will cash it. They will pay for the check, that's not a problem. but work out the best deal you can there's no harm in doing that sometimes it depends on who you're dealing with if you're working with Macy's then you're Dealing with the store that you owe the money to if you are dealing with a collection agency now the store has already gotten their money from the collection agency the collection agencies going to get whatever they can out of you and they are also going to screw up your credit and that is where it is good to talk to a professional that deals in that area, whether your accountant does or whether you need to go to somebody your accountant refers you to. Who are you dealing with? Are you dealing directly with the people that you owe the money to? Or are you going to deal with a second... Because all of a sudden, you pay that money and now it's going to go on your credit because it brings it back to life. So, I mean, you really need to talk to a credit professional who understands what the laws are today and are you making a direct amends to me or are you making a correct amends the people I've hired to collect and now I'm not getting paid anymore because they've already paid me you open up a new thing with them and it strikes up on your credit and it screws up your credit you want to make amends but at the same time you've got to go by the laws that we live in do it smart you know I don't know a lot of the statutes and the credit guides and things like that I've heard you guys talk about, well, you don't have to make the amends because of 10 years. They're waiting for the 10 years to come up like next year. And so they're thinking they could get away with, you know, the tension is they took money and didn't pay it back. That's what they need. So they're waiting to come out with 10 years so they don't Have to Make the Amends. It depends upon the sponsor. Kelly? I guess I was a little confused by what Ann was asking. I thought she was, when you were saying make the best deal possible, were you just referring to the amount of the payment to make but not the total sum? Like if they negotiate down, like let's say you stole $5,000 but somehow they say, well, you'll have to pay us three. Do you still pay the five or if they negotiated somehow that you just pay us three, do you take the three or do you pay what you stole? You know what, if you want to pay the $5,000, you can. But if they've agreed to three, you can pay that too. Just clearing up that record if you feel better about paying five back then there's no need to negotiate. The best deal you can. Many do with institutions. Now if you owe your parents a certain amount of money that's probably better to pay them until they say no and we've heard many good stories about that so it depends upon who it is kind of along the same lines bankruptcy I've heard that controversy right that's a good question now I don't have any experience myself with bankruptcy and I've had very few people I sponsor have come to me with a bankruptcy. But I'll tell you Kent's story because I'm close to it. So Kent came into AA with a bank and he had a whole mess on that bankruptcy, really a mess. So now he's with this sponsor and they were at their sponsorship meeting that night and they're going around the room and he said the guy next to him said I'm a little uncomfortable I'm going to a wedding this weekend and there's this dentist I'm gonna see there and I put him on my bankruptcy and I'm little uncomfortable Kent being fairly new says well what's the big deal it's in bankruptcy you don't owe him anything and the whole room he says went ooooh he said I looked at my sponsor and he said the worst possible thing. I said to him, are you saying I have to pay back my bankruptcy? I mean it's huge. And the sponsor says, well you might want to think about that. Oh my God, he said, I thought about it all night and I was finding and digging for those papers and I called them at 6 o'clock in the morning and I found them and well that's good but let's go over them a little bit later and they started going through. And what they did is their arrangement was that he would contact each of these places and make the best arrangement that he could. That's why Kent found that in the book. He went right for that. Make the best arrangements as he could, but he became willing to pay that off. So he made this first call and went through that, and they never got back to him. It was one of those chase cards you just sign up and you get money, and that was a $5,000 one so he was a little nervous but he made the call and they never called him back, never called them back. So he says to his sponsor, well, I guess that's one I won't have to make. He says, oh no, I don't think so. You are in an industry, in a business where you can pay that back in different ways and services. So they went through all of them and some were accountable to make financial restitution. The others, he said, if I thought it was about $2,000 I stole from Safeway, he'd say, okay, $4,000. And so he would tack that number on because he said he had that Safeway coat where he put all the booze and bottles in. And that's how he fed and drank for many a night for a long time. and so what he did is he gave that to his office manager this amount and every time that someone would have free service done many of us of course were program people they don't have insurance you know a lot of times so they get in they needed this they needed that and she would take that off the amends list and every now and then he'd say how are we doing it's none of your business you just keep doing what you're doing And so when he was 14 years sober, he said, I need to know. Where are we? And he said... She came back and she goes, We're $3,000 over. He goes, For the first time in my life, I'm 65, I'm 14 years over, and I felt like a man. you see it wasn't about it was about just setting the record straight it was right in the equilibrium of it and he just kept going forward and it took 14 years to even that score out but the result was so powerful in how he felt about himself and this then became that example that he could pass on to his guys about trying to right a wrong that seemed impossible. And in 14 years, he got $3,000 a head on it. So bankruptcies, I don't personally have any experience, but I love that story of how he offset that. Any comments, questions? Barbara? We have to be kind of careful now because my ex-husband lives in Arizona and I've made all kinds of amends to him that was the worst one and so the next morning we spent the night Bob Brown was reading up about that AA program he said don't you owe me an amends or something this was April oh really yes I've been apologizing to this man all these years so we have to be careful now Some just never go away, huh? I know some financial men. My wife's not an alcoholic, so she knows alcoholics and all that, but she's not more familiar with the men's process, except that we're trying to clean up the past. So I wrote a check out of my checking account. And I told my sponsor about it. We didn't talk about that I'd be implicating her too because it's her money too. We got a joint checking account, which is both of ours, and I wrote off the check. I wrote a check and I sent it off. And then when their statement came it showed the check and who I made the check out to. So she questioned me on it. It was starting to give me shit because I wrote the check and I didn't tell her about it, right? Right. And it was kind of like, you know, I kind of set myself up for failure with that with her anyway, because I guess it says on top of page 80, it says before taking drastic action might implicate others. We secure the consent. We have obtained permission and consulted with others. So, you Know, I guess why I should have brought it up to her first. Hey, I need to make this amends. You know, here's why. mm-hmm yes absolutely yes you sure did any other comments or questions on eight and nine yeah of my one of my babies just made an amends and in sitting there waiting in allowing them to tell her back. When she got through, she came back more angry than because the person gave her so much and some of it wasn't true either. And she came back and now she's in a pickle because she's more angry and hurt. That did not help her to make amends to this person? I mean, she feels she's very mad. And I was so shocked at what was told back to her that I don't know how to help her right now. Well, what are the amends about harms I've done them and giving them an opportunity to allow healing for them too? Yes. that doesn't mean it's going to come about always with oh that's okay you're fine I love you, you don't need to do anything you cut off my leg that's ok I like the stump you know you're not going to be shocked that's really what happened honestly well I would be pretty pissed myself You know, I mean, my God. Yeah. I mean I'm just making up stories as I go here. I don't think that's what happened. Well then she has, yeah, she owed a big amend. Oh big. I mean you don't often write those things. Right. It's, well, so your baby's taking it a little, I mean she had a responsibility to make that amend and try to make it right. That's not something that's ever going to be made right. No. When you said that, I just about fell off this chair. Yes, go ahead. So she needs to continue on with her recovery. I mean, this is not about being mad at him for an action. She did. You did it? Pony up. Absolutely. Okay. Absolutely. We have to take responsibility for the harms we've done people, and sometimes it's not pretty. No. But she, yeah. I've never used that example but that was drunk it was her first date that she ever got a driver's license she was drunk and she rammed into this lady who was pinned between the car and the woman lost her legs don't ever use an example I'm telling you. That's not a good one to me. That blows my mind. It blew my mind when you said that. I didn't know what to do. I just went here. That's not going to play well on the tape as well as it played here. I'm not going to let her hear it either. Oh, God. Jeez. even your plan's husband I had to have sobriety I couldn't have two three four years of sobrietry go I'm not going to drink anymore I had told that man that so many times I had to live sober to get the respect that he might start listening to me what 39 years later he asked for the inheritance but it didn't come because i stayed sober 10 years and said i'm sorry right it came from me living you know and then tell them you know that it's just the worst regret i have in my life and i told him that will go with me to that threat will go avec me to my grave So, you know, but sometimes when they get a little bit of sobriety and they run to something that strong, they may not have enough sobrietry to go make those kinds of money. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Mm-hm. Well, that's definitely a big deal. Let's go ahead and break. Okay, so step 10. in early years I would hear 10, 11 and 12 are the maintenance steps and while that's a catchy phrase I had an old timer kind of give me a new way of thinking about it these are growth steps because if I maintain my car I keep it running in good shape, but it doesn't necessarily grow. And I want to grow. And again, I suppose you could get real philosophical and psychological about it, but I love the wording in step 10 in our big book. It's on page 84. It says, this thought brings me to step 10, which suggests I continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as I go along. I vigorously commence this way of living, so again a way of life, as I cleaned up the past. I've entered the world of the spirit. My next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. When he talked about that, It helped me also make new, gave me some different tools for making decisions. Will this action be effective or useful to other people, or is this just all about me? In small ways, I would look at a project or something I wanted to do and I'd have to decide to give my time to this. is there anybody but me it's going to benefit? And I found myself discarding things that were just simply something that I would enjoy, but my time could better be spent elsewhere. And it was information that I could easily find in another place or on the Internet. And so without going into details, I would look at different projects as to its effectiveness. If it was going to be helpful to somebody else, like this research I did was not solely for my benefit, it will be beneficial to many, that's fine. Enjoy it. Knock yourself out. But if it was just going to beat me, I rethought it. So going on, it says, this is not an overnight matter. It should continue for my lifetime. has anybody noticed how many times the word continue has been used so far I mean it's five times in this particular or four times in this particular paragraph continue to watch for be on alert for selfishness dishonesty, resentment and fear it says when, not if these crop up but when they crop up because they will, here is what you do I ask God at once to remove them. Next thing is I discuss them with someone immediately. Next, I make amends quickly if I've harmed someone. And then the next thing is I resolutely turn my thoughts to someone I can help. So when those rascals creep up because they will, here is a plan of action, a plan for them and a plan of solution, a plan of growth. And of course the beautiful last line, love and tolerance of others is my code now just a few lines I've ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol for by this time sanity will have returned, sometimes that can be one of those controversial intellectually stimulating sentences of conversation hopefully sanity in many areas of my life will have returned but it certainly has by alcohol if I have done the first nine steps to the best of my ability because I'll be looking at my way of living that I've commenced much differently my life is still going to happen but how I respond to it has been changing and so the sanity will be returning and certainly hopefully with alcohol I'm not going to reach for the drink when a problem comes up or a great experience comes up I will find other ways to engage that but so that's one of those sentences that can have a lot of conversation on it and on page 85 the last sentence in the first paragraph states that is how I react so long as I keep in fit spiritual condition. It's easy to let up on the spiritual program of action, that's what we have, and rest on my laurels. Well, my laurells are my past accomplishments. Aren't you wonderful? You made those amends. You don't steal anymore. And it says I'm headed for trouble if I do for alcohol is a subtle foe. I am not carried of alcoholism. What I really have is a daily reprieve. Daily, not weekly, monthly, or yearly. Daily reprieved. And again, I don't get that because we're cute. I get that because it's contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. How do I maintain that? it says every day is a day when I must carry the vision of God's will into all of my activities. How can I best serve thee or you? Your will, not mine, be done. These are thoughts which must go with me constantly. I can exercise my willpower along this line all I wish. It's the proper use of the will. So that paragraph gives me the tools of how to maintain or grow in that spiritual condition. I love the word reprieve. And many, many years ago at the book study, Larry T. talked about looking up the word deprive. And he said it's a delay of the death sentence. That kind of puts a different spin on it when you put that definition. if you say it out like that what I really have is a daily delay of the death sentence contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition it kind of is inspiring to keep that spiritual condition well tuned, well connected but it's daily and I would learn that at 8 years sober feeling a little twinge of restless cerebral discontent And a guy who spoke in my home group that night, he said I was trying to live today on last year's program. And that's what I had been doing, not knowing it, but he nailed me right there. That's all I heard the guy say. And I realized that I had let up on the program of action. I'd been more active and I had recommitted to AA for that past year but I was patting myself on the back for making those amends to my stepmother I didn't mean to stop growing I just was kind of in that fluctuation of just maintaining, staying where I was I wasn't taking it any further and that daily reprieve He said, it gave me the way that this is the day that counts. This is the Day I start and close my day with the bookends of prayer. This is The Day I show up for life, for God, for my commitments, for service, for whatever He's got in store. I might have a little plan throughout the day on a calendar, but I have this saying in my daily reflections book. It says sometimes the most important meetings aren't on your calendar. And I like that because I can schedule myself in a pretty structured fashion. It's been over the years learning how to allow and be fluid a little bit more that things will come in and out of my life that I hadn't planned on so to work in that fluidity. So step 10 is about, okay, so let me just share this. So we have step 10 in the big book and step 10 written 14 years later in the 12 and 12. Step 10 in The Big Book, to me clearly, is about keeping the day cleaned up. As I go through the day, make amends when I've done something through the day, promptly admit it. 11 we will read in a moment is a review at night according to page 86 when we retire at night it asks me some questions that's the big book so I use this more as my guide because many times we'll hear someone say and I have no opinion I don't care I do a 10th step every night to me really what I'm doing is an 11th step because in the big book my review at night is in step 11 my starting of the day is in Step 11 let me just say I don't care if you call it the 44th step I don' t care what number if any number you give it review your day at the end of the date the book ends a prayer the book end with God touch base in the morning touch base at night, open and close the day so that hopefully crap won't keep floating over from today into tomorrow. So this gives me that opportunity to keep the day clean and if something slips through, I've justified it, I've not paid attention, I can catch it that night. in the 12 and 12 it has a different type of presentation about step 10 and 11 10 talks more about your various types of inventories for example, the spot check day's end review of progress since the last time annual or semi-annual house cleanings occasional retreats I don't have an opinion on that, but I know sometimes it can be sort of confusing with the two, how they're written. So I look at 10 as just keeping the day clean and clear as possible and that my review at night is more 11. Step 10 talks beautifully about the emotional hangover. what's an emotional hangover it says it's the direct result of yesterdays and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion anger, fear, jealousy and the like I think we all probably remember the hangovers we used to have from the excesses of drinking the day before and when I have anger, fear, jealousy and the like consuming my life it can it has a dark cloud effect that can permeate so many areas of my life it just spill out I want to keep it in containment for that day if possible and that's where the review at night can help that's when I try not to let that be a consumption of me for that day so that it has an opportunity to go into the next day. I'm the loser when it does and it can start to block me from that connection, from that sunlight of the spirit. Many of us are familiar with the beautiful statement in 12 and 12. It is a spiritual axiom. now an axiom is a self-evident truth that requires no proof it is a spiritual axiome that every time I am disturbed no matter what the cause there is something wrong with me and in paraphrasing wait a minute now aren't there any exceptions? no, no there's not sorry because we don't know justified from unjustified they're all justified and it says few people have been more victimized by resentments than we alcoholics it has a beautiful statement in all these situations I need self-restraint honest analysis of what is involved a willingness to admit when the fault is mine and this is the biggie for me and an equal willingness to forgive when the fall is elsewhere again I always appreciate being forgiven but I have to be generous in the forgiving it makes reference to nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen? Pause, folks, pause. Pause, pause, pause because I make a lot fewer amends when I pause. Yeah. So we won't go through everything, of course, in the 12 and 12 but it's a beautiful read and we usually do the reading out of the 12th and 12th. So step 10, daily reprieve to continue to grow in our spiritual maintenance or our spiritual condition, excuse me, to keep the day clean, to make amends as we go throughout the day. And that's kind of the basis of step 10. Keep it current. Keith. question for you, before moving into step 10 or 9 especially if someone has a lot of amends financial, personal do you want your people to go through all of those amends first before you even move into 10 are you allowing them to work on the amends and then continue to proceed into the rest of the steps the latter, yes because some of those amends could take years and I certainly don't want to stop the momentum that we've got going by, well, we'll wait until you get that done and go on. No, we keep the momentum going because this will really aid them in doing healthy amends because of their continued growth and usefulness and effectiveness. This will aid in making good amends. Yeah, Randy? so when we work with our sponsors on their mindset we don't give them time to complete their amends what I say to them is so we've taken a look at the different types of amends and maybe talk about a general guideline I mean, which ones can you get to? Maybe a financial man. It will take many, many years. But take a look at them. The point being is let's not ignore them. Now, I also let them know I'm not going to be the one to sit here and follow up with you every week as to how are you doing, how are your doing, let's get a progress report. Hopefully, I will see the progress report in the sense of the way they're changing. They will share with me, well, I got another amends done last week or today or yesterday. On the other hand, if I don't hear about anything and I start to see some... It doesn't seem like any changes are being made or now they're complaining or... I'll say, well, where are we at on those amends? I think we need to get back. Let's get on this. What's the delay? How soon do you want to get better? How soon do you wanna be free? So that's kind of what I work with on the men's. I'm not here to be the warden but I also I'm thinking about them your men's, I'm thinkin' about them cause I know how freeing they are. Yeah. Yeah. any other comments on 10 or any other steps we've talked about so far I just have a question on the 10th step people say they write a journal every night do you suggest that some people tend to go into that and some people don't do you let them go as they naturally glide towards that I've heard that many people find it very helpful to write a journal I give them there's various ways that people kind of find where they were involved here or if they're troubled by something personally I'm not a big writer and we'll talk more about closing out the day at 11 I'm no big writer except when it comes to sometimes making decisions Once again, I've got the racetrack in my mind going on all there. And so if I start to write it down and make comparisons, like I've had to compare two jobs, and I've done that column of what's the topic, company A, company B, best of my knowledge, write it down, then I'm dumping this stuff out. Like this morning, I woke up at 4 o'clock this morning thinking about you guys. You know, are they getting anything? So I just got up and started making notes because again, it's racing around up there. And when I convert it to paper, my mind isn't saying don't forget, don't forgot, don' forget. So that's my way to kind of quiet my mind is writing down. Journaling for myself has never been a relaxant. It has stimulated my mind. And I'm much more of a storyteller verbally than a writer. I can do short stuff. I mean, I do monthly sponsee letters and stuff like that, and I can doing a little short story, but spilling has never really had that effect for me. It's very good to empty their head out that way. So whatever works for that person, absolutely absolutely because I can also type a lot faster than I can write so when I have to dump something out of my head that's where I'll go and many times there have been times when I've come home from a meeting and I, for whatever reason not necessarily it was at the meeting but I just come home upset. I've got something so on my mind I know I am not going to sleep with this load on my head. So I go to the computer and I just go blah. Open up a Word document, letter rip, all kinds of feelings. Nice, bad, mean, kind. I mean, nobody but me is going to see it. No grammar, don't worry about spelling, just delete. It doesn't go anywhere, but I have dumped it from here into a safe avenue so I can sleep tonight. So that has helped a lot, just somehow to empty it, and people will find it in different ways. Any other questions on 10? Okay, let's move on to 11. it actually begins that late in the page step 11 suggests prayer and meditation so as I look at step 11 in the big book it gives me my guide to improve my conscious context so if I take step 11 and make a little adjustment to the step itself. It's about the most perfect, selfless prayer I can think of. He would say something like, God, I seek you through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with you as I understand you. I pray only for the knowledge of your will for me and the power to carry whatever that is out. It's what I really would want to be able to completely give myself and say each day. And step 11 shows me the way that I can go about to improve that conscious contact. It tells me how to start my day, go through my day and end my day. It starts with the ending. It says on page 86, the second paragraph, when I retire at night, I constructively review my day. Gives me a series of questions to ask and one more time we see those familiar things we were to watch out for in 10. Was I resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do I owe an apology? Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once? Was I kind and loving toward all, really all? Hmm. What could I have done better today? There's always some answer to that. Maybe I could have eaten better or exercised longer or been a little softer on the phone or I can always find a little something to have improved that day. It doesn't have to be major. it's just something I want to shoot for what could I have done better today was I thinking of myself most of the time or was I thinking of what I could do for others of what i could pack into the stream of life but I must be careful not to drift into worry remorse or morbid reflection God I am just the worst blah blah for that would diminish my usefulness to others so after making my review I ask God's forgiveness and I inquire what corrective measures should be taken sometimes I know I need to make that amend I need talk to my sponsor about this I need some prayers on this person I just can't get rid of that natty resentment going on so that is how I retire at night and it is about closing out the day so if someone asked you about this paragraph when we retire at nine under step 11 in the big book and then in step 10 in the 12 and 12 where it says at the day's end we review the happenings etc. how do you what do I call it? yeah, it seems like it's in one place in the big book as you mentioned how do I explain that? exactly, I don't give it a number I just say I review my day I review my day at the end of the day again that keeps it from any kind of verbal debate and wording and splitting hairs just, I don't care what anybody calls it, most of the time we'll call it a tenth step that's why in these two chapters between the two books it can be confusing, but the reason I go with the big book guide and say 11 is what I do at night is because this was the freshest writing. I look at it as the freshness because this was the newest first writing of their experiences. This was the more mature writing because it was some years later. So this was as fresh to when it just happened. So that's why I use this as my first guide. So then it says on awakening. We all understand that. And the word day is used many times. Let me think about the 24 hours ahead, just this day. Not the week, not the month, not year. Just today. I consider my plans for the day. Before I begin, I ask God, direct my thinking. I ask that especially be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions, I can employ my mental faculties with assurance for, after all, God gave us brains to use. My thought life will be placed on a much higher plane when my thinking is cleared of wrong motives. Wrong motives for me look like selfish, self-centered, self serving. What am I going to get? How am I gonna get? Me, me, me. put it on a service plane and it looks much different. It says, in thinking about my day, I'm a fist in decision. Maybe I've got an appointment that coming up I'm not sure how to handle. I'm going to see somebody I'm uncomfortable with. That can happen. It says I may not be able to determine which course to take. Here's where I ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. I just relax and take it easy when I'm faced with things like that if I continue to have a dead spot focus on that situation I really block God out because I'm going to figure it out this is what I got going on once my morning time is done go on about my day in a positive, distractive way just go on About Normal it is amazing how something will come into my mind to do. You can see that I'm intuitive. With legs, anyway. I better not go there because I'm going to start laughing again. But things come into My head as I know they do yours and you wonder where they come from, truly. this is where we relax and take it easy we're not going to always be dead on we're going to get used to doing this this is why that daily connection opening up that channel to God is so important and then it says I usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer and so that looks to me like please God show me all through the day what my next step is to be that you give me whatever I need to take care of such problems. I ask especially for freedom from self-will and I'm careful to make no requests for myself only. I may ask for others, however, for myself if others will be helped. I'm fearful never to pray for my own selfish ends. I've wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. In the next paragraph, it mentions about other forms of devotion. I have three things that I read on a regular basis one is not conference approved literature one is daily reflections and the other is the grapevine I read an article a day out of the grapevine and I love it I overheard somebody eavesdropping overheard someone say that's what they do and I thought, that's a great idea because I always thought I had to get the grape vine and that I never have time to sit down and read the grapevine in one sitting but I love being connected to it every morning and reading the next article it's great so if you don't have a grapevine subscription or wonder about it maybe that's a nice way to the grapevine needs subscriptions by the way always give it to a sponsee this is the way that I have really come to enjoy the grapevine very much so whatever your devotions are fine, however long you take for meditation, fine if I asked every one of you what does meditation mean what do you do for meditation there would be different experiences examples and things that you do all I suggest to the people I sponsor is do some prayers they don't have to be formalized by any stretch or means just communicate chat with God open up that channel spend a few moments to however long you have available just to be quiet my window in the morning is about 15 minutes Monday through Thursday I get up at 5.15 I come back up with beverages about 5.29 or so I've got 15 minutes before my phone calls begin but that 15 minutes is mine. This is when me and God make our connection, it's quiet, there's nobody stirring and I get that time with God and I prepare myself for the day with that time. Plug into your connection. It's vital. I hear people get to spend an hour in meditation time, fabulous, Gosh, I'd love that. But I can't get up much earlier than 5.15. I've been doing it for years. I'm still not used to it, okay? Do whatever you can do. Do whatever you can make it. Whatever you can do. Just make that connection. It could be five minutes. That's all you need. Maybe you need 30. Find your path. Now we go through the day. That's the second part. I've started my day. Of course, I've ended it. I've start it. now go through the day this has saved me a tremendous amount as I go through the day I pause when agitated or doubtful I'm rarely doubtful but I'm often agitated annoyed is another word and then I ask for the right thought or action I have to constantly remind myself I am no longer running the show humbly saying to myself many times each day thy will be done when I do that I'm in much less danger of seems like we got some familiar names here excitement fear, anger worry, self pity or foolish decisions it says these are dangerous to me I become much more efficient I do not tire so easily for I'm not burning up energy foolishly as I did when I was trying to arrange life to suit myself and here's the shortest paragraph in the big book it works, it really does shortest paragraph in the Big Book it says we alcoholics I am undisciplined so I let God discipline me in the simple way we have just outlined so we've outlined that your dependence is not upon me human your dependence has evolved to become on God three times during the day I'm guided to petition to God in the morning going through the day and at night it's to develop, grow enlarge conscious contact with a power greater than myself and that's where we get our strength our guidance, our intuition that's my discipline the discipline of prayer I start and close each day with the bookends of prayer very important I close my day also on my knees once again returning to that humbled position the awareness of a power greater than me that I am appreciative of who has helped me stay sober today been that buffer between me and that drink maybe I never thought of a drink that day maybe I did about maybe a month ago I'm at home I'm exercising and watching a movie at the time it just got struck in my head I would love a drink Where does this come from? I'm not thinking, I'm not doing, nothing's going on, no highs, no lows, it's just a regular day. And the obsession in my mind hit and I know what to do. I know that, God please please relieve me of this obsession. I do not want to drink. Please relieve me of this obsession. And you begin to do other actions. You begin to make your phone calls or whatever's next. And it moved away. This was just a month ago. No one is immune. Let's put it this way, I have not been immune to the thoughts. I wish, I wish I did not ever have that thought ever again from the time I came in. That has not been my experience. So I have to be on that daily reprieve plan that I can't slip up on prayer and meditation and think that today's prayer will last me for a week. It's just for this day. All through our literature, we talked about the day. Save the day, this is the day that counts. Things like that, this isthe day. And then in step 11, it talks a lot about meditation and those who might get stuck with it. but we also have the beautiful prayer from St. Francis why don't we turn to that page in year 12 and 12 I'm sorry, I'm not sure what page that will be it will be a couple pages in everybody there? everybody there so this prayer whoever says Lord make me a channel of thy peace some versions I have seen make me an instrument you can say whatever you like let me just give you my take on the differences when I ask God to help make me a channel it's as if I have a cylinder kind of running through me and that this is the opening for him to come in and come into my life. I want to open up that channel for his spirit and to help me with whatever I'm to do today. With the St. Francis prayer, I like to use the word instrument because you use an instrument. I want it to be used to do the following. That where there is hatred, I may bring love. that where there is wrong I may bring the spirit of forgiveness that where there is discord I may bring harmony that where there is error I may bring truth that where there is doubt I may bring faith that where there is despair I may bring hope that where there are shadows I may bring light that where there is sadness I may bring joy Lord grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted, to understand than to be understood, to love than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven and it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life. Amen. So if I could even just live one of those in a day, shoot for that have myself a state of willingness to be that and again it doesn't have to be an Alcoholics Anonymous by a long shot man there's a lot of folks out there who struggle we see them all day long maybe it's in the restaurant maybe it is maybe it was in the grocery store maybe it has been walking on the street someone with a sad difficult, challenging a hurtful, confused look. A kind smile a hi wow can just make some changes. But what we can do, this is where I get to do things like work the room How many times have you walked into your meeting and seen plenty of people sitting down, maybe they're new, maybe their from out of town never been to the meeting before? What do we do? Can we bring light to that person by just simply walking over and say Hi, I'm Debbie Davis. Welcome. Have you been here before? Totally changes the attitude of somebody from not being a part of to lighting up. We can do that so easily. Everyone can create that kind of an energy and change the whole meeting for that person. I've been in lots and lots and lot's of meetings and I can size a meeting up within a few minutes. Do they have greeters? Clearly, I'm not from this area. I clearly don't look like the rest of the people. I'm a new face. Does anybody bother to come over and say, Oh, hi, I haven't seen you around here before. Welcome. Not often. Not often, but I'll tell you what, in my home group and where I go, you bet you're welcomed. You bet there's greeters at the door. And even though I'm not on the greeting committee, I am looking for new faces, people I don't know. I want them to be greeted 50 times because they don't Know they've already been greeted that many times and having assumed they've been greeted and nobody has. I want to overextend that kind of friendliness or kindness or welcome because I would like that done to me. So a lot of times we do what we'd like to have done just like we're walking through the steps on this. any comments, questions, shares on 11 I go to a meeting and we read someone said that they kind of skip over the part because they feel like that's confrontational you know like I'm correcting you or you're wrong and I'm right? What's your comment on that? I didn't know what to say. Well, it sounds like that where there is error I may bring truth. I think it depends upon the circumstances. I mean, confronting usually has sort of an angry attacking tone to it. That's nothing that I do. But sometimes we can go about it in a different way of saying, well, that hasn't been my experience. I'm not correcting anybody. I'm just saying that hasn'T been my exPERIENCE. Somebody is bad-mouthing somebody. Gee, that's not been my EXPERIENCE with that person at all. I've really had a nice relationship with them. So I'm bringing a new angle, a new kind of truth that right now in that person's eyes, for example, well, this one is just a horrible rotten apple. That hasn't been my experience and I can give them a new way to possibly look at that, soften them so I'm not confronting them or taking it head on of you're lying type of truth and false type thing. Yeah? Okay, and my second question is rather just one. Why do you suppose that they put the end of the day before the beginning of the date? I don't technically know but I heard that because they designed the book to follow the course that if you were reading you were probably in the daytime and so you would take the next indicated action would be when you retired at night and then upon awakening so yes which makes sense but I can't ask anybody who actually was part of the writing what the theory was behind that that's a good question though I've often wondered why didn't they put it in chronological daytime order right yeah that was the theory behind that whether it's true or not it could be a myth I haven't verified that with GSO that would be a good one to check though sure on the references to day is that in the big book yes yes in step 11 there's 24 hours but day is 1, 2, 3, 4 5 days that I have circled and then the 24 hours yeah I noticed in the big book at all, well not the big book, but we take this program one day at a time. We live it today. It doesn't say anything in there about not reflecting on the day before and I think that's what I want to do to the question that she has why did I talk about a night before or before the morning because if we wake up in the morning, we're still reflecting on what happened the day before and things that we did something wrong to go and rectify our shortcomings or something like that will that be one way to look at it although we really should have reviewed and kind of got that looked at the night before so that we set out about our action on the new day because being in when they talk about one day to time in fact it's in the concepts there's a statement that says what we're really referring to is our emotional mental state is one day at a time living today I mean we don't wake up one day and say I think I'm going to go to Greece for vacation we've made the plans and we took time off work and we've make the reservations and so forth we just don't awake up and live one day to time in that sense of the word Barbara meditation It seems like, to me now, people are meditating more and more in age. When I first came in, you know, some of those old guys, they kind of pooh-poohed, you know, the meditation. But it's amazing to me that even my son who's editing, well, don't you guys tell him what I told you? He does meditate. He says it out to his mother. but there were times when some people like that they would kind of, oh I don't meditate you know, they would just accept it but not do it again so I'm seeing more and more old times meditating and talking about it now is that your experience too? I think the evolvement of more official type of meditation has come over the years whatever you do you might try a variety of things you might try formal things you might just try quiet time whatever is going to get you centered is what will work the best what should we do during meditation I know I said we're not supposed to think about anything at all but that's impossible our mind just won't shut off and then someone suggested we think about certain issues I'm still not really sure what they meant by that again it talks a lot about meditation in the 12 and 12 various suggestions I certainly don't have the ability to stop my mind but if the negative things creep in there what I want to do is cover those with something positive something spiritual something solution oriented forgiveness or prayer or whatever it might be. I don't want those getting a grip in my spirit. They're going to creep in and they do, but I don' t want them to grab hold and get roots. So think of the way you're going to turn the negative into a positive. Right. And again, people in this room will all have different experiences of trying to empty their mind or fill it or think spiritually or there'll be different experiences. I don''t think there's any wrong way or only one right way, it's what you have evolved to. And what you do today will probably be different in five years and in ten years and you'll try this and you're going to do this and you know, check this. Any of that is perfectly fine. The point being, take that time. Just take that time to ground yourself to plug into that power. Was there a question over here? Tim. I was just wondering about what you knew with any sponsees that you've had that try and bring religion into this 11th step or maybe into the program of AA? How do you kind of respond to that and help them to understand where we're coming from in AA? I have two gals that are very involved in the Catholic Church. One really, really involved. The good news is she is also very familiar with the traditions and knows that while she and her choice of active involvement in her church is an outside issue and it benefits her greatly in her personal life, that when she comes into rooms of AA, she doesn't Jesus Christ this and the sacraments that and the holy. I mean, she does not bring that into the rooms. She clearly knows the distinction that, personally, both programs, if you will, help her. But this is not a religious program. It's a spiritual one. And that to relieve the formal organized guidance of her beliefs to the outside. So luckily she's very familiar with the traditions. If she wasn't, that's the type of conversation I would have with her. To piggyback on that, if her form of meditation is saying the rosary, that sucks. Absolutely. Seven times if she likes. Yes, absolutely. One for me. Put me in the list. just like I read a non-conference approved piece of literature I love it, it gives me great but I don't say now to my sponsees I think you should subscribe to this not at all I tell them about the AA literature I read and I encourage great fine subscriptions but I do not encourage anything outside they will find their own mine have evolved over the years as well I will stumble across this and that and I want to like this. I like the message it carries. Great. That's free for me to do. Any other shares, comments, questions? We've covered a lot today. We've gotten steps 4 through 11. Wow, we've done great work. And anything before we close that you want to say or share? All right. So just a friendly reminder that I think we're going to be good to start at 9 tomorrow. Doors open at 8.30. We'll go 9 to 11.30 so that those who are going to Bellflower's potluck can do that. Anyone is welcome to join me for dinner at 6 at Mimi's in a movie, or one, or both, or neither. But if you want to join us, if you're joining me for any of those, see me after we close. And let's go ahead and close with the responsibility statement. Okay? well I don't know well here it's in the responsibility statement will be a good one to learn do we have that in our handout? no you don't but this is a good one to learn and in fact what we can do is I can make for those of you who aren't familiar with it I'll read a statement and you repeat it and that way you'll get to learn it okay so it won't embarrass anybody But this will be a private assignment for each of you is to learn the responsibility statement. Okay, so you and I can put that. Okay, I'll say a statement and you repeat after me. I am responsible when anyone anywhere reaches out for help. I want the hand of AA I want the hand of AA always to be there and for that I am responsible this is our private commitment as members of Alcoholics Anonymous to have the hand of AA ready and by taking and learning more about these steps we'll be better, even better equipped to add to what we already do so thanks and have a great night everybody Thank you.