Fighting the Concept of Powerlessness – Workshop: Steps 1 – Part 6 of 11 – Angie

Hi, everybody. My name is Angie, and I'm an alcoholic. Andy. I am so happy to be here. It was 28 degrees when I left home. And I come here and there's flowers blooming and all kinds of good stuff going on. And what an opportunity for me to be able to travel and have somebody ask me to come and do a workshop on the first three steps. Because for me, I don't know about anybody else, but I struggle with those steps in a huge way. And it wasn't until, you know, a little while in AA, and that's why I'm really thankful that we do these steps over and over again, because it wasn t until I was a little while in AAA that I really got the gist of what step one meant. And recognizing that step one, like where I came from is like you didn't really admit that you were powerless over anything. And I always looked at stuff in quantity. Like I would always go, you mean this little shot glass of liquor has done all this to me? You mean this can of beer has made my life crazy. You mean this little piece of crack has made me lose all this weight overnight, you know what I mean? So yeah, so I had some ideas and opinions when I got sober. And my first thing to do when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous was to fight the whole idea of powerlessness. I'm from a family of Baptist ministers and so I'm fighting. My middle name is Fight. My Middle Name is to automatically disagree automatically Disagree with anything that you people have to say now when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous It was not a lot of black people in a eight quite like this morning You know, I see you how you doing good to see your power to the people Yeah, so it wasn't a lot about you know wasn't a lot of blackness, just like a few chocolate chips in a glass of milk. You know what I mean? But yeah, and I struggle with that. Another thing. Well, this thing that they're talking about surely couldn't be about me because, I mean, look, there's only a few select people that have this thing along with the white people. You Know What I Mean? So it was very different for me. So when they talked about powerlessness, I took it to a whole new level because it meant that you were saying that I had there was no way that I could stand up for myself. I felt like that's what you were saying. And coming in new, I think it's really important that we pay attention to, because sometimes we like for the, or I like for The Newcomer to be where I am in my recovery and I forget that there's people that come into this process that have no idea what this thing is about. You know, so you tell them to keep coming back. I thought, why? Why do you keep telling me to keep Coming Back? Everybody I met, how you doing? I'm Wino Bill. Welcome to AA. Keep Coming Back. I was like, Really, Bill? I don't think so. Hi, my name's 12 and 12 Tom. I've been sober 50 trillion years. All my kids work for me. We're just happy. Keep coming back. Really, 12 and12? I don' t think so And I looked at your differences. Alcoholism does that to me. it has me when I not even know your name but know and this is how when I talk about powerlessness this is what I mean when I say I got this thing that will make me look at you without even knowing your name without even just seeing you walk in the door and go I'm not like him and for me I was homeless I had the same clothes on I had nowhere to go I could not read, I couldn't write. So when people were talking about doing all this step work, that's okay. Because I didn't have enough in me to tell you that I didn t know how to do these things. And you know what the simplest and easiest thing for me to do was to go get drunk. And then I go into a meeting and there's some older white guy up at the podium telling all his business. And I'm like, why is this white man up here telling all of his business like this? And then everybody laughed just like that. And they're laughing at him! And I remember I went up to him after the meeting because I felt it was my duty. Because apparently nobody really cared about this guy. And I went over to him and I said, he goes, welcome to AA, little lady. I said look here, you know your buddy's laughing at you. He goes, excuse me? I said your buddies. All your friends out there, they're laughing at ya. I'm sitting out there with them, they are laughing at yo. he goes oh sugar darling you just keep coming back I said oh no you keep coming back I just heard what you told all these people and I remember the next meeting I went to I sat there and this is what we do in case anybody forgets as newcomers we sit we research you look at you what you got on. I remember I was in prison and these women would come and do the AA meeting. And I would never ever listen to them because of the way that they were dressed. It didn't match up. The stories they were telling, what they had on, didn't matter. So I was like, well uh I mean since you're so powerless and all where you get them Gloria Vanderbilt jeans? This is the kind of questions I was asking in an AA meeting Really? Since you've been homeless, I mean, what's up with that Prada purse? They wasn't giving them away at the pantries I went to. You know, so help me understand what you people are talking about here. So, I look at this big sign on the, we admit it, that's how the voice I always, That's all. Whenever I read it, that was the voice. We admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable. That's had me powerless. I'm not powerless. But I didn't know until later on that it was not saying that I didn'T have any power. I just always believed that I had more power than I did. Power like Bill talks about when he talks about going to law school. He studied law courses. Studied law courses too. I didn't get any degree, but I studied it. But me, I've always believed that I have more power thanI did. I'm from a Baptist church. I mean, I watched my daddy and my granddaddy preach. And it seemed to me that they had a whole lot of power. My father would walk up to somebody, put his hand on their head, and they'd crumple. Look at my daddy. My daddy got power. My granddad... I remember one time they put their hand on me and nothing happened. And I remember my daddy was like, you need to lighten up. Really, daddy? You know, I mean my sister, she'd hit the ground. My brother, everybody hit the ground but the alcoholic. Because I'm like this. I've got my armor of alcoholism on and you will not make me hit the crowd. So my dad would be pushing me like this and I'd be like I don't think so father. I got this one. You will not have power over me. And so all my life, you guys, I have fought what even looked like somebody or something having power over me. That's one reason why it was so hard for me to get sober is because I could not see how this whole alcohol and drug thing had really taken over my life. Now, I'm a rhythm and blue sick. So, which was not what my family had planned. I remember my father told me at like nine like, you're going to have to get a big gospel recording contract so I don't ever have to work again. I was like, okay well I guess I'll go get on my big wheel now and try to figure this out, Dad. Thanks! The stress of having to take care of my father at nine? No. He wanted me to be a big gospel singer. So I knew like 11, 12, no, I'm not going to be able to do this. I'm not going be able do this and I fought against everything they wanted me to do and I took a drink of alcohol at the age of 13 with my friend Rebecca and Rebecca brought those two bottles over to my house and we were sitting back at the big oak tree in the back of our yard, and there's a little creek there. We were sitting there, and she said that her brother taught her in the art of schooling, in the heart of us, chugging. She said, you hit the bottle, it was Boone's Farm apple wine. And, you know, see, this is what I'm saying. AA. I talk at my church on a regular basis. When I tell them that I drank Boone'S Farm, they don't have that reaction that you just did. They never do, they never do. You know what they do? They look at me with absolute pity that I'm smiling about a bottle of wine that's never had a grape near it. They know what good wine is. But I'm telling them that my first drink was Boone's Farm Apple Wine, Thunderbird Classic. See and this is... Oh my God. I am so powerless over alcohol. Listen, I am the person that just because I have a bottle of Thunderbird classic think that I'm better than you just because there's classic on the back. You know what I mean? that whole like ego and all that stuff that goes with the fight against powerlessness man anything that I had that made me better than you that meant that I was no way you understand you know I went to all girls high school you know I would do Catholic schools or uniform for God's sake you know how many we tried to burn the school down but still when I came in I had all these ideas about me and the reality of it was was that you probably knew me better than I knew myself but I didn't know that coming in I really didn't want to be because there was this man named mr. trouble he was an alcoholic mr. Trouble drank out of a brown bag he wore a trench coat I don't care what season it was and he had a brim that he wore like cock slightly to aside. And then he had really little feet, which I thought was extremely odd. But he had really small feet so he wore like little girl gym shoes. And so they called him Mr. Trouble and he was an alcoholic. So when you call me an alcoholic, ha ha ha. What? Are you saying to me that I'm like Mr. Trouble? I'm not like Mr Trouble. And that's why I like the part in the book where it says we uh we have to get rid of our old ideas or the result was nil absolutely I think that's true because I had an idea of what an alcoholic was and I wasn't I mean I had some issues you know Bill talked about his wife was concerned about his drinking you know people were concerned about my drinking and a lot of other things you know then they took me from being here to being crazy. So my parents said, you know, we love you Angela, but we think you need to see a psychiatrist. Okay. And then the psychiatrist says, we want you to talk to the psychologist. Oh yeah, and this is what you have. And here's your medication. And if you just take it as prescribed. So it's real easy. We can come in here and admit were powerless. But there's a whole different thing that I had to look at over the time that I was here because I had been told so many things by the time that I got here that alcoholism, I just couldn't add one more thing to it. So my parents sent me to the psychologist and I'm sitting in her office and she goes, Angela, your parents are very concerned about and this is how she talked to me, Angela we just want to know honey what is it that you see when you look through your glasses what world do you see I was like let me take one more of these Xanax Dr. Gaten to me Dr.Gaten to be my name was on the bottle my name my name was on the bottle And she said, really? She goes, I understand that you have a hard time articulating, Angie. Maybe this will help. So she goes in her drawer and she pulls out these two green sock puppets. I remember thinking, she thinks I'm stupid too. And they got little jiggly eyes on them. You know, little jingly eyes with the plastic where the eyes move. So she said, honey, why don't you try to explain to me what it is you see by just doing this. Oh, okay. So you want me to put those on my hand and then talk like it? Okay, yeah, I might be able to tell you how I feel. Let me put it on, let's see. So I've lived my life in my head. I've live my life and my head with music. So I put them all. Shook the eyes. Just to make sure this was real. I shook the eyes a little and then she goes, just tell me what you think. What is it that you see when you look at the world? I said, you want to know what I see? I said... I see a little silhouette of a... Scaramouche, Scaramouch, would you do the Fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me. Galileo, Galileo Galilei Magnifico I'm just a poor girl, nobody loves me. She's just a Poor Girl And she goes, I'll be right back. You get out of here with your sock puppet. And then my dad comes in. That's why we can't get you no help. I took that sock puppet and I was like, Dad. He goes, oh, okay. So I just paid for a $150 pair of socks. You did, Father. So everything that I came into AA with, all that stuff was there with me. And then you guys like started adding information. Here's the steps. This is the things we did. We did this. We're powerless over out. Yada, yada. Got this stuff going on up here. I got the committee going on. I got one committee that says, yeah, you know you're an alcoholic. I got some people over here going, man, forget them. Do you see how old they are? You know what I mean? So I got this whole conversation going on and you're feeding me all this information. And it's an overload. It's an overload. Because I'm still in the process of alcohol withdrawal. I got two or three days sober and they got me looking at a book that I can't even read. And I remember my sponsor sat me down And in the end, when I came back June the 20th, 1991, and I sat with that sponsor, and she asked me, Angie, what makes you think you're powerless over alcohol? And she said, what I'm going to do is I'm just going to sit here and I'm going to listen to you tell me what makes you think your power is over alcohol. Because I can't determine whether you're alcoholic, Angie. Only you can. and I begin to hear myself say things like I don't have my kids. I don' t have anywhere to live. My family doesn' t talk to me. I can' t even call home. I had my son in prison. I gave my daughter up in another state some things happened to me on the street while I was drunk that no human being should ever have and then she said to me after I said that Angie are you alcoholic and I said my name is Angie and I'm an alcoholic I'm powerless over alcohol and it dictates and manages my life and thank God that she allowed me to just say what makes you think and then you tell the sponsor what is alcoholism you tell me about that. You tell me, sponsor. Why? When I put it in my system, what happens to me does not happen to my brother. What happens to me doesn't happen to my sister. You told me. And my sponsor set out through this book to tell me and the The one thing that she had me do was I had to go to the 530 Big Book meeting every single day. And I had sit there and I had listen to people read, and I have to try to read. And I tried to read to the best of my ability and I'm so thankful for those members of Alcoholics who didn't see me as a distraction or somebody who slowed the meeting down because that's where I began to learn how to read. I'm thankful that those members of AA helped me look at my powerlessness and help me see where I related to Bill's story. In Bill's story, he talks about stealing from his wife's slender purse. I remember the first time I saw that, I thought, I smoked a little crack, I stole from a few slender purses. You know what I mean? Some real fat ones too, you know what he mean? And so it's like when I first took my first overview looking at the book as my reading got better and I began to look at this book, It was really important to my sponsor that we go no further. We could only do Bill's story, and we had to do that for a while. But I wanted to tell you something that I read in the doctor's opinion that she had me highlight. The doctor says, Men have cried out to me in sincere and despairing appeal. Doctor, I cannot go on like this. I have everything to live for. I must stop, but I cannot. You must help me. Faced with this problem, if a doctor is honest with himself, he most sometimes feels his own inadequacy. This is on page XXIX. Thank you, Nick. Page what, 29? Is that what it is? Yeah, that's what it is. XXIX, damn it. We could scratch that. That'd be great. It says, although he gives all that is in him, often it's not enough. One feels that something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change. Then, many types do not respond to the ordinary psychological approach. I do not hold with these who believe that alcoholism is entirely a problem of mental control. I have had men who had, for example, worked for a period of months on some problem or business deal which was to be settled on a certain date favorably to them. They took a drink a day or so prior to the date. What do you think happened when they took that drink prior to the date? Buh-bye. Buh bye. And so I think that paragraph right there talks a lot about powerlessness. It says, and then the phenomenon of craving at once became paramount to all other interests so that the important appointment was not met. These men were not drinking to escape. They were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their middle control. I had no idea about this stuff, man, until I like started looking at this book. But in Bill's story, first of all, when I came into AA and I looked at Bill's story and it was this little, here lies a Hampshire grenadier. I remember looking at that going, oh, okay, so that's white people stuff. I don't need to look at that. no need for me to look there and then and then this is what caught me so then it says who caught his death drinking cold small small beer a good soldier is near forgot whether he died by musket or by pot and i was like man they had that good a pot people were Dying? I want to be some of that pot. You know, these people back here were dying. Whatever the hell a musket is, they were dying by the pot. I want some papers. So, and I like the fact, I really like the fact that Bill talks about how he took a night law course. To me, I'm so sick, you guys. I take a night law course. I don't need to go through the bar. I need to take the bar exam. Give me a half a course. I'm good. I can tell you all about the law now. When I was in prison, that's what I spent my time doing. Telling people about the law that i knew absolutely nothing about that i clearly would sit in jail and just make up stuff oh you're in here for what attempted murder no no no you don't have to take that charge do not let them put that on you because i got this thing along with my alcoholism i got this thing called ego that works so hard on me that i don't even need a lot of information to become an expert. I remember one time, one of the guards pulled me to the side and said, if you mention one more thing about this law that you think you know about, I'm going to lock you up in solitary. I was like, shh. Man, you would say that to me. I understand. Being a deputy sheriff is hard. You know, you don't really know much about the law. You know? I understand it's going to take somebody like me to really be able to explain it to you so uh you know i mean you're hating on me i can clearly see that you're a hater uh and finally he was like you know what come on you're going downstairs and even then in solitary i'm sitting there thinking you can't keep a good girl down i'll be out one day people and you'll miss me so i have this whole thing called an ego you telling me I'm powerless, my ego saying no I'm not and I'm in this thing and I am stuck my sponsor is telling me sit down, be quiet don't talk just don't I was angry angry because I was black angry because i was alcoholic angry becauseI had red hair angry becausei had freckles and I ain't seen a black person yet that had any so I got all these differences but I'ma tell you something I went on a roll you guys I came into a a sat around I was like that militant black woman where everything was cuz I was black like if we were all in the coffee bar at the clubhouse and you asked for your coffee and I had asked for mine already and they gave you yours didn't give me mine you'd hear me standing like this in a coffee bowl going, it's because I'm black ain't it? That's why I can't get my coffee when I ask for it. That's just wrong. It's because of the fact that I'm a black man. Because I'm Black. Hey, why do I have to drink my coffee out of a white cup? Why can't I drink my coffee out from a black cup? I started wearing dashikis and it was ridiculous. Ridiculous. Now I'm a militant in an anonymous program where nobody will ever know but the people that are sitting right in front of me. Oh, and I went on. But I'm going to tell you, I went out on a run, you guys. I left out of Alcoholics Anonymous and you guys told me, you said, you know, if you go back out there, Angie, it'll get worse, never better. I feel so bad for you guys. I'm sure that that will happen for you but that probably won't be the case for me because I probably won' t drink like I used to. I'll do it differently. So I was at a Wednesday night meeting y'all had been talking about God using you as an instrument I said you know what I think God uses me as an instrument too. He wanted me to bring some black people up in here Got you, God. So they asked if it was any AA-related announcements. I said... I said, y'all, I'm going to roll on up out of here. Thank you for the real thick book and all the coffee and stuff. You know, I hope y'ALL know that alcohol is bad for you. But I'm gonna roll... You know old-timers, they're so sensitive. This one stood up and goes, well, get out of Here then. There's people trying to stay sober in here. We'll see you if you make it back. I was like, oh, Mr. Old-timer. I mean, I know you've been here since dirt, but I have no intention of coming back. But I will carry the message of AA to my brothers and sisters. So I walked out of the building with my big book, the real big one. And I walked down to the bus, and I said, the first black person I see drunk, I'm going to carry the Message of Alcoholics Anonymous. I said to my dude, I said it. So a brother got on the bus, drunk. Oh my God, I was like, bingo. So I slid over next to him on the bus. I said, my brother, you been drinking? He said, yeah, I had a little something. I said you know what, you might be an alcoholic. So he started cussing me out and stuff on the boss. And I said do you know what, my brother? I'm going to probably have to give it to you. the only way that you can receive it and the only way that I know how. Told you I'm from a family of Baptists. So I grabbed my real big book and I stand up on the aisle of the bus and I said, really? Did you hear what I said? I said rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed I said those who do not recover are those who are The bus driver said, oh hell no You got to get out And I said, you Mr. Bus Driver Are alcoholic too So I went down to that bar where all those black people was and I snatched that jukebox, that plug out the juke box. They was on the dance floor dancing but y'all had told me about the masks we all wear and I knew they was in pain. Black alcoholics. Snatched that plug out the Jukebox. You doing dancing? I know you hurting. They told me at the double A club you's hurting. They said, girl, if you don't plug that jukebox in, we'll kill you. I said, you know what? The people at the AA club told me that you probably react like this to my information. And I guess I'm going to have to give it to you the only way that you can receive it. And the only thing I can do is give it back to you. That's the only word that I know how to say. Grabbed my book. Climbed up on that barstool, crossed my legs. I said rally! Did you hear what I said? I said, Riley, have we seen a person fail who has stood and followed our path? The bar owner said, what the heck? Get out of here. And he pushed me out the door and locked the door so I read the big book to the passerby's. Somebody was going to hear my information that day. Then we go over to More About Alcoholism, where it says, suddenly the thought crossed his mind that he could put a little whiskey in his milk. He sensed that he wasn't being a bit too smart. Whiskey and milk? Hell, first of all. Let's do that. We clearly know that's We clearly know that's for Nestle's Quick. So I leave there, reading outside the door, suddenly the thought crossed my mind that one drink won't hurt. I go in the bar, I order a shot, and I went on a binge that would land me back in Alcoholics Anonymous years later. 90 pounds, hair matted to my head, same clothes I've had on for forever. People telling me you ain't going to make it today based on the way that I look. But the one thing I knew, if I didn't know anything else, that whatever has happened, I cannot put a drink of alcohol in my body. I was properly horrified and thoroughly convinced that that was the deal for me. It was not the deal when I came in the first time, most certainly the deal for me when I come in the second time. And I mean I was poor. I was this close to being a wet brain. That's how much I drank. I'm skinny, my stomach is protruded out to here from alcohol and my liver. And I come back in and like I said, I was properly horrified and thoroughly convinced that I couldn't do this. That I am not like my brother, but let me talk to some of you all that say that you're like me but the one thing I knew I had to do in order to start getting with that first step is that I never asked anybody to help all my life I've never asked anybody and I remember that day when I said I need you to help. And not that I was so much afraid of dying as I was afraid to continue living the way that I lived. And every time I looked back, it was alcohol. And my sponsor began to go through this book with me, send me to 530. Start talking to me about it. Not as a group but one on one is what I needed. I mean some people in AA you guys can do sponsor people and work with people in groups that was not the case with me. I needed to be one on one with my sponsor and really really get the gist of what this thing was telling And I'm going to tell you something. I believe within a shadow of a doubt, I know I'm powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanly. And I will talk about it a little bit when we get back from the break about how until I got with that, it was hard for me to get in step two. if I believed that I had any, if alcohol was working for me in any kind of way there was no way that I could get to step two and we'll talk about that after the break thank you thanks for listening