Feelings and the Language for the Weirdness in Her Skin – Megan G.

Well, it looks like it's that time, Jeanette, so we'll get kicking here. Listen, I'm really excited for everybody here today to hear Megan. I really, really am. She's got a story that just when I first heard it, I just had to hear it again. And so I want everybody to give a great big welcome today for our good friend from Tulsa, Oklahoma, Megan G. Thanks, Cliff. Thank you, Cliff and Lori. Thank you, Dustin, Sherry, Darren, everybody on the committee. It is really an honor and a privilege to be here. I was so looking forward to spending the weekend in Oklahoma City with you guys, but this is incredible. The speakers this morning have just wrecked me, and I'm kind of glad that it's on Zoom because you can't see as well what a mess my face is now. I was just losing it. So thank you guys for sharing with us this morning and thank you for the opportunity to be here, to be of service to Alcoholics Anonymous. It is an honor and a privilege and I do not take it lightly. Speaking is not my favorite thing to do. I hear a lot of other speakers say that. I don't know why we make people do it so much other than I know what I get out of people sharing their experience, strength, and hope with me. So I hope that I'm able to help somebody today. Um, I'm nervous. Um I wish you guys could see the setup that I've got. I couldn't get comfortable sitting in a chair so I've literally got my computer like propped way up so I can stand. Um so I'm just gonna do the best I can and hope that um you know God steps in at some point. Um, my name is Megan and I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is August 8th of 2009. And, uh, I'm so grateful for that period of time. Um... And for what I've learned in Alcoholics Anonymous. My home group is the Southside Traditions Group. We're a new group. We just started in the middle of coronavirus. Um.. So we're on Zoom currently Sundays and Thursday nights. but we're going to be, um, we've got a location and hopefully we'll be able to start a hybrid meeting here pretty soon. So if you're around on Sunday and Thursday nights at 7 PM central time, uh, message me, I'll give you the zoom info. Um, so holy cow, there are a lot of people on here from all over. Um... A lot of my friends are on here. I've had the opportunity to talk too. A lot of people this morning, some friends have prayed with me and I just am so grateful to everybody on here. So I'm an alcoholic. I'm a bank robber. I'll get to that. But just to give you a heads up, that's where this is going. I was born here in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and my home life was i guess as normal as as uh it can be i felt weird i never felt comfortable in my own skin um and i was really grateful to hear that when i came to alcoholics anonymous to hear the the words put to my feelings that i never had the language for before alcoholics synonymous because growing up i just i couldn't even name what i thought was wrong with me you know um i just felt different from and apart from. And, and I was always seeking things outside myself to feel better. I took my first is my first drink, but not the first drink that I felt the effects of alcohol from when I was nine. What I did when I took that first drink is I stole alcohol for the first time. I was nine years old and I was at a sleepover and, uh, I knew that we weren't supposed to touch that bottle of wine in the fridge, my friend's mom's wine. Um, and so of course I want that, you know, and we were like mixing a bunch of things together in a cup and daring each other to drink it. And, you Know, I wanted to put wine in it and my friend was so upset. She was so upset. We were going to get in trouble if we touched that. That was what was exciting to me. Um, and that was, you know, a theme throughout my life after that. Um, but, uh, you know, I didn't get all the alcohol that I wanted until I was 12. Um, I was at another sleepover. This was a slumber party. And, um, I was with some friends from school that I thought these girls were cool. Um, and I wanted to fit in with them. And I don't know why I felt like I was different. I don'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T feel as comfortable as they looked. Um, but I didn't. And, you know, somehow we came up with Bartles and James wine coolers that night and, uh, I got all I wanted and I felt great. Alcohol did the magic for me. Um. Just that, that warm, I can dance. I feel as good as you look. Um... And I don't know if anybody's familiar with the band TLC, but there was like this little rap portion of Waterfalls that was playing on the radio. And I tell you what, I got it that night. I was up. I was dancing. I could wrap that whole little bit of that song and I was just cool. You know, I was cool that day. And I wanted to feel that way all the time. There was no turning off that desire for me from that day forward. You know, but I was a kid. So it was it was hard to get my hands on it. And I did some things and you know, just trying to change the way that I feel. I tried boys, you know just anything change the way that I feel when I was 16 years old. You know, the speakers this morning, Tom especially talked a lot about loss and you know, that feeling that you have when you lose somebody so close to you, somebody that hung the moon for you and being able to remember exactly where you were and how everything looked around you when you loose that person, when you find out you've lost that person. I was 16 years old when I lost my older brother and, um, he was 23 at the time and, uh, he had shot himself and, Uh, they had pulled me out of school and pulled me. Um, you know, they took me out in front of the school and my parents' car was there and my grandpa's car was behind theirs and everybody was standing outside their car and I come walking out of the school. And, um. You know, I remember just standing there and I'm standing on the grass and they tell me that my brother has died. And I just, I don't understand, like my brain just can't process what, and, um, what had happened was he was headed to court that day for his fifth DUI. So, you know, he might've been one of us. I don'T know if he ever made it to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I found out as an adult, um that his dad, he's my, I have two half brothers, him and another brother. And they have a different dad than I do. And their dad was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, um, I don't know if my oldest brother ever made it into the rooms or not, but he made it Into the courtroom a lot. Um, and you know, for this fifth DUI, he was going to have to go do some jail time. And the prospect of that was, was more than he could handle. And there's a lot of other things going on in his life. And, um, you know, as our book says, he, uh, made the ultimate sacrifice rather than continue to fight. And so, you Know, that changed my whole world that day. And my alcoholism had been set in motion long before that day, but at that point the dynamic of my family changed and, um I was off the hook with everybody. Nobody's watching me anymore. And, uh, I was free to process those feelings in the way that I best saw fit. And what I did was just obliterate them. You know, I sought oblivion and, um, you know, I got to live hard and fast from that point forward. I, um I was partying a lot and missing a lot of school i i graduated high school i don't know how um but somewhere in there i went to this party and uh met a guy and drank so much the night that i met him that i projectile vomited in every room of his apartment he shared this apartment with a roommate and i'm telling you the futon, the balcony, the kitchen, both bathrooms, both of their bedrooms. They kept moving me because I'm vomiting. And so they're moving me trying to clean up where I've just vomited and I'm just vomiting where they take me. And, um, I found out later I blacked out at some point, I don't remember projectile vomiting. Um, but they told me about it later. And I found out the next day from my friend, um, who happens to be sober today and Alcoholics Anonymous, which is another miraculous story that hopefully I'll have time to get to. Um, but she was with me that night and she had me in the bathtub at one point. And she told me later that she was so scared I was going to die and that she Was going to have to call my mom and tell her what had happened. Um, and, uh, you know, they were telling me the next day how I acted. I got up the next morning and I went out and walked around my car because I didn't remember getting home. I'm 16 years old. I didn'T remember getting home, um, I DIDN'T remember much of the night. I found my, uh Metallica t-shirt that I had worn the night before crumpled up and dried with caked vomit on it. like stashed under my driver's seat. Um, so I'm talking to my friend and I'm like, oh, what happened last night? You know, like whose clothes are these? How did I get home? And she starts telling me about it and I'll be like, yeah, you know, I was the life of the party. And um, I think she made it sound a little better than it was. It sounds like I was a mess, but um, you Know, that's just, that' s just how I was. People had to take care of me. people had to clean up after me um all the time I ended up getting engaged to that guy who lived in that apartment um I guess he was okay with my behavior um and so we get engaged and we're planning a wedding and uh you know I'm planning a wedding as a teenager um shortly after I graduated high school and my biggest concern is the fact that I'm not 21 yet and I want to know if I'm going to be able to have alcohol at my wedding? Um, are they going to serve me like surely they're not going to ask the bride for an ID. Right. Um, that was, I remember that being so important. And, um, at the same time we were going to look at venues, there's a building downtown it's the fill tower. If anybody's familiar downtown Tulsa. And sometimes they rent out the 15th floor for events and it was cheap. It was like in our budget. And I thought it'd be cool because it'd Be downtown. And they had this, we went down there to tour it and they had this balcony. So they were telling us, you know, you can have like the reception inside and we can open these doors and people can be out on the balcony and stuff. And, um, I'm standing there and one thought I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to drink with impunity at my wedding. And in the next thought, I'm wondering what would they all think if I just jumped off that balcony? Because I just can't stand myself. You know, I am I'm an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. I remember hearing that in a meeting and just relating immediately. I I'm not much, but I'm all I think about. and um I just vacillate between not being able to stand myself and thinking I'm the greatest thing in the room you know um so anyway uh me and this guy we you know just have a crazy little relationship and um it starts to get to be too much for me he drinks a lot I don't like how much he drinks and, um, you know, I need somebody to take care of me honestly. And, uh, I really don't want to be 19 years old, barefoot and pregnant. You know, this is not fitting into my picture of what my life is supposed to look at, look like. And I've got a friend that I work with. I'm working at the Hilton Southern Hills around 81st and Lewis. And we live in an apartment right behind there. And, um, I've got this friend that had hired me at the Hilton. We had worked together and she ended up moving to Las Vegas and she would call me and she'd tell me how great it was out there and that I ought to come out there.And I was like, yeah, I oughta come out there. Las Vegas sounds great. Marrying this guy sounds like a drag. So I'm going to come out there in Las Vegas. SoI end things with him. I call off the wedding. I'm sure my parents were relieved. And somehow I end up in Las Vegas, me and her roommates. I get there and I wreck my car under the influence three days later. Just totaled my car. And so I've got to get a new car. I run through a string of boyfriends and really make my roommate mad because I'm bringing crazy people into the apartment all the time. And so long story short, I'm there about a year and I've made a pretty big mess of things. I've projectile vomited up and down the strip. Um, I've run through several groups of friends already because nobody likes to hang out with you if you're going to throw up on them. Nobody likes to Hangout with you. If you're gonna get crazy and disappear. Nobody's gonna want to hangout with You if you run your car up on medians while they're in the car with you? Um, so you know, I run through all these friends. I've just run crazy all over Las Vegas um I've totaled my car I've ruined my credit uh I was just at this age where like they're sending you all the credit card applications and I'm just taking all of them you know shopping is a great way to change the way that I feel um so I've got a bunch of stuff and uh I've Got Nobody Watching Me I've Gotta Roommate Who Just Kind Of Tolerates Me A Little bit. But I'm, you know, I'm just living hard and fast. And I meet another guy. And I lied about how I met him until I got sober. I said that I met Him in a bar in Las Vegas, which was true. That's where I physically went to meet him. But I found him online first. This was the age of MySpace. And I found him on MySpace, and he was with another girl. And I took him, I wanted him. And I don't know why I wanted Him because once I got him, Lord, I wish I never found him. But we met in this bar in North Las Vegas. And we just hit it off immediately. And he comes to my apartment with his trash bag full of stuff. And 10 days later, we get married. and two months later we're sitting in a federal holding facility. So what happened was, um, he drank the way that I drank, he partied the waythat I partied. Um, you know, it's just the right combination of chaos, uh, and alcohol. And, uh. We just burn everything to the ground really, really fast. And I, he was dealing with some stuff. I'm really not sure what his deal was to this day. I don't know what his dealer was. I found out later that he was six months out of prison and, you know, running from some things when I met him and I was just looking for mass chaos. And so when we got together and we got married right after we met and I told my family that I was married, they were a little upset. And, um, I thought a good idea would be to bring him to Tulsa and let him meet everybody so they could see how wonderful he was and how okay I was. And, uh, he seemed to think it was a good ideia to get out of town right about that time. So we come to Tulsi and we show up on my mom's doorstep. My parents are divorced by this time And my mom's living in an apartment and we show up at her apartment and, um, we just didn't have a plan. Didn't really have a good story. Um, while we were here in Tulsa, I don't really even remember what happened, but we were talking one night and it was a good idea. We just had this idea. We're going to rob the bank. You know, I didn't like going to work. Um, I Don't think he ever went to work and, uh, uh so we're gonna we're going to rob a bank and we're talking about how we can do this and um he seemed to know what he was doing so we go and I drive the car he goes inside he comes out with money I think that's wonderful I'm not going back to work y'all I've arrived okay and uh so We Do That we take everybody out to the bar that night we buy drinks for everyone look we've got money we're okay we're going back to Vegas nice to see you we're gonna go live our married life out in Las Vegas and so we get back to Las Vegas and I've got no interest in going to work anymore it was hard to show up at work at this point anyway I'm a mess I'm drinking around the clock and uh really can't stand myself sober so um he's got all this crazy happening and, um, we're only together for two months, but in this time, it just got dark really quick. I was convinced that he was cheating on me. Um, I would say that I was going to work and I would, I Would leave the apartment and I Would drive around the corner and go get a bottle of whatever flavor I was in new for the day, usually tequila. And I Would come back and I would sit in the parking lot of my apartment complex facing the door to my apartment. And I've got my bottle in my lap and I'm going to catch him. Uh, I might qualify for Al-Anon. I don't know, but I'm Going to catch them. And, uh, the problem is I'm drinking and I don'T ever catch anybody. I pass out drunk in my car, never made it to work. I never caught him doing anything. I just, you know, caught hangovers. That's all I caught. So I'm living this way, though, for a couple of months. And, you Know, we had robbed that bank in Tulsa, we get back to Las Vegas, and it's February at this point, it's his birthday, and he wants to go out for his birthday. And I'm like, Yeah, let's get a limo. Let's get bottle service at the club. Let me like high rollers you know and um so we got to go to the bank and make another withdrawal and uh so we do that and he goes in again i drive the car and he comes out with money and we go party um like rock stars and uh it was great we had a bunch of friends with us i don't know who any of these people were Um, but we just had a wild night and you know, so it's getting dark. It's about March. Um, early March I came to in, we have been partying with this friend of mine. Her name is Amber and I don't know where she's at today. I don'T know where we found her. Um but we hung out at her house and partied at her house. And she had two little kids and sometimes her kids were there and sometimes they were with their dad. And I came to one time and my husband is gone and Amber is gone, but I'm on the couch and her daughter is asleep across the room and her son is asleep on the coach next to me. And i've got a children's storybook open and i've also got a mirror with some powdered substance on it and i have no idea what has happened. They've left me to watch the kids apparently. And I'm in no condition to do so. And, uh, I come to another time and I'm in a bedroom and her, um, condo, whatever she lived in. And i'm like crouched in the corner and I come too like this and i'm, like, crouched down, like on my knees and I don't know like how I got in this room or what's happening or why i'm coming to now just lost chunks of time all the time. Um, but I was scared and, uh, I had that feeling of, I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don'T want to live like this anymore. I can'T do this anymore, and so I called my brother, the one that's still alive in Tulsa, and I told him, I, I think something is wrong with me. I think, uh... I have a problem, andI need help, and,uh... he was like, Megan, just come home. That's... we'll take care of you. Just come home, and l was like okay, okay. I'm gonna come home um But I got up and I went back to my apartment and I started trying to figure out how am I going to come home? I don't have any money. And this guy has access to my part that we're married. You know, how am I goingto do this? I need to get him out and change the locks and do all of this stuff before I can go home and take care of me. So that's my plan. I start throwing his stuff back into that garbage bag. he came into my apartment in and, uh, he shows up and, uh, I take a drink. The drink takes the drink, you know, the story and I'm gone for a couple of days and I never show up in Tulsa to get help from my brother. And, um, I come to a few days later and I realized that conversation that I have had. And, uh. I'm like, Oh crap. I gotta, I gotta go clean this mess up. Um, they're worried about me and they don't need to be worried about Mees. So I need to go show them that they don't need to be worried about me. I'm fine. And I'm telling him, husband, all of this. And he's like, yeah, we'll go together. Why don't we go show him that we're okay? And then we'll come back here and we'll do it. We'll go to treatment together and we will be okay. And I said, yeah that's a good idea. Let's do that. Treatment in Las Vegas has got to be better than the treatment in Oklahoma. So that's our plan. and to get to Tulsa to start to execute this plan. We've just got to go get some more money. So we're going to go back to the bank and make another withdrawal and I don't work anymore. So we are on the way to the bank and the plan is we packed up everything in the apartment and the plant is to go to the bank, make a withdrawal, go straight to the airport and pay for plane tickets to go to Tulsi. we have an argument on the way to the bank about the fact that he's been the one going into the banks all this time. And I'm like, I don't need you. I can do this without you. So I go into the next bank. This is bank number three, if you're keeping count. And so I go in, push my note across the counter. They hand me the money. All's well. I go out to the car counting the money as he's driving. It's not a lot. I really feel like we need more, you know, there's just never enough for me of anything. And so we go to another bank and I go in again and I make another withdrawal and get back in the car. And, you Know, we eventually make it to the airport and we buy two tickets to Tulsa with cash next flight, you KNOW, and I'm sure the way that I looked, well, I know the way that I looked because there are security camera footage still shots of that day. I know exactly how I looked. I was wearing bright green Puma tennis shoes. And I was wearing big aviator sunglasses, but they weren't like real dark. You could see my eyes really well through them. My hair was dyed black jet black hair. And you know, I, you guys don't know this cause we're on zoom, but I am nearly six feet tall. So I just, you cannot miss me. Um, so anyway, uh, we get these tickets, we Get On The Plane. I don't know how they let us on the plane in this state. We have a layover in Phoenix and, uh, We're going to step off the plane to change planes and the air tunnel is filled with officers and they all have their guns drawn. And for the life of me. I don't know what they're doing there. And, uh, I'm looking around like somebody's getting arrested. This is interesting. Like, I wonder if this is going to be on cops later. And about that time I'm getting pushed into the wall. I'm being frisked and read my rights and handcuffed. And you know, I have been arrested by the feds. I have committed a federal offense. And so I'm taken to a federal holding facility. I never step off the plane in Tulsa that day, my family flips out. And this is not even a thought in my head. When we're being taken into the holding room of the airport and being questioned, my husband who is now my co-defendant asked to use the phone and he calls my mom. I don't call my mom, I asked to smoke a cigarette. he asked to call my mom and he calls her and he tells her Tracy there's been a problem uh we've been arrested um you know I don't know what all is said on the phone but my mom told me later that she thought he had killed me and she thought that he was lying about being arrested she a million things ran through her mind but she thoughtthat I was dead somewhere there. And, um, you know, so I never even called her. I, when we got to the jail and there's the little payphone in the cell, I never Even called her, I called my roommate, and they give you a few minutes to record your name, you Know, hi, you've received a call from an inmate at Maricopa County, will you accept the charges, they give You a few minutes To record your Name. And instead of recording my name, I called her repeatedly and I cussed her out in those few minutes because I was convinced that she had done this. She had turned us in. It's not that I'm a dumb criminal. I don't know one that you don't rob a bank, but I don' t even know how to rob a bank. Um, I'm stupid about everything, but it's gotta be somebody else's fault. I cannot cannot be the source of all the confusion and chaos in my life. It cannot be me. It must be you. It's all your fault. Um, and I am just saying the most horrible things to her in these few seconds where I'm supposed to record my name. And, uh, you know, I don't know if she listened to those or not. I'm sure after the first two or three, he just quit answering the phone. But, um, anyway so I never did call my parents and uh my dad showed up my dad drove across country um he went first to the Las Vegas um Federal Bureau of Instigation Investigation Office uh and he's just like knocking on the door he doesn't know how to get a hold of the FBI how do you call the FBI I don't know he drives from Tulsa to Las Vegas and he shows up at the FBI and he's looking for his daughter and they don't even have me in the system yet because I'm still being transported. And eventually he finds out I'm in a holding facility in Florence, Arizona. It's a CCA and he drives there and they let him visit me. And I'm visiting my dad behind glass where you got to pick up the phone and I start screaming at him. I'm not happy to see him. I don't know how he found me or how he showed up here but I just start screaming him. You got to get me a lawyer They're going to keep me in here forever. You got to get a lawyer for him, my husband, he has nobody, you know, you got to Get us out of here, you Got to do anything. And my dad, my dad and I don't have a great relationship. It's a lot better in sobriety than it used to be. But there was a lot of stuff in my teenage years in my early 20s. And, And, um, you know, but I'll never forget the way that his face looked staring at me through the glass. And at the time I couldn't appreciate what I put my hands through. Um, there's a guy that I respect a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous and he talks about, you know, who your alcoholism falls on. Um, you Know, because I, I went through my life thinking I'm not hurting anybody else. This is, this is my deal. You know, I moved far away so that my alcoholism wouldn't affect you. so that I could live life the way that I needed to live and not have your opinion about it. But my alcoholism fell on people, and it fell on my dad, and It fell on My mom. I got out of jail after two weeks and my parents had showed up to my bond hearing and my mom signed a personal recognizance bond saying basically she'll take me into her home and she will single-handedly make sure that I show up for all of my court dates. And if I don't, she will go to jail in my place. And, uh, I took advantage of that, but, um, so I get out of jail after two weeks and I go live with my mom back here in Tulsa. I've got an ankle monitor on, and I'm told by the court that I need to submit to a mental health counseling and substance abuse treatment. And I need to get a paper signed and do this and do that and, you know, jump through their hoops and, and, um, and then, you know we'll go for sentencing later. And I'm just thinking, you Know, I've robbed banks. Like I'm going away forever. I can't believe they let me out, but okay. You know, I'll jump through your hoops. And, um I go to 12 and 12. It's a treatment facility here in Tulsa. And I meet with an intake counselor and the court and the intake counselor are recommending that I go inpatient. And I do not agree. I think that that is unnecessary, you know, because really the problem here is that guy, right? uh, he took me down real hard and real fast and it was Las Vegas. And I'm out of Las Vegas now, you know, um, Las Vegas is crazy. It's the town. I probably shouldn't go back there anymore. And it's the people that we were hanging out with and it's him and it'S her and it'LL these other things. It'S not me. I'M okay. Really? And, uh, you know I was doing some other substances while I was drinking. And if I'll just stay away from those, I think I'll be fine. Really inpatient treatment is unnecessary. And somehow this intake counselor agrees with me and we compromise on intensive outpatient counseling and I can do that. So I go to intensive outpatient counseling. I have a paper to get signed. I had to go to one 12 step meeting a week and I have to get a job and I have to enroll in school and, uh, you know, do all of these things to show the court that I am not the girl they think I am. And, um, so, you know, I start out going to meetings, I'm going to meetings there at 12 and 12. And um, I don't believe anything that is being shared in the room. I don'T KNOW IF I'M EVEN HEARING ANYTHING THAT'S BEING SHARED IN THE ROOM. AND, UM, I DON'T THINK ALCOHOL IS A problem. Uh, I have been drinking every chance that I can get since I was 12 years old. Alcohol is not a problem for me. You know, I didn't rob banks because of alcohol. I robbed banks because this guy and because of those drugs and becauseofthisandthat, you know, I've got all these other reasons that I'm in trouble and all I need to do is get out of trouble. And so I'm just trying to get this paper signed and jump through the hoops. And you know, I just want to go live a normal life. And in the back of my mind, I don't think that's even a possibility for me anymore because I'm going away forever. So, you know this is just a holding pattern. So you know it's not long before I start failing UAs. I'm meeting with a pretrial officer, which is much like a probation officer. It's just before you go to prison. And he UAs me and he called one time and he said, man, do you have something to tell me? And I'm like, well, no, Kevin, do You have something To tell me. And he's like, Well, Megan, you failed a UA and I'm like shocked. You're kidding. How could I fail a UA that's impossible? Would you like me to come UA again? And he's like, well, yeah, we're going to need you to come submit another UA immediately. And I'm like, I'll be right there. No problem. Come UA again. No big deal. This one I'm going to pass. I promise you that's a fluke, some kind of glitch. I don't know. So I go UA again and you know, we just, we do this little dance a little bit. And he was like, you know you failed another one. And i'm like you have a bad batch of UAs. I need you to get some new test strips because there is no way I fail again. It's impossible. And, you know, long story short, I got to go before the judge and I don't know what would have happened. Honestly, if, if I had submitted to everything the court had asked me to do, if i had, you know, obtained a degree and held down a job that wasn't in a bar. If I had not failed UAs, if I had done everything that they asked me to do, I don't know if I would have had to go to prison anyway. But what I do know is that I couldn't stay sober under the harshest of circumstances. The worst punishment I could think of, you know, death would have been a welcome relief I was trying to die. Putting me in prison sounded like the end of my life. How can my life go on? If you put me in present, it really sounded like being most horrible thing to me and that's hanging over my head. And I cannot stop drinking. I don't even think that the alcohol is a problem. So I can't stay sober. They sentenced me to mercifully two years in a federal prison And for bank robberies, I get two years for not being able to stay sober and follow the terms of pre-trial release. So I go to Fort Worth, Texas. I serve 20 months of that 24 month sentence. I'm really good in a strict environment. You know, they get you up at a certain time. You got to have your bed made. I went to school. I went cosmetology school. I'm a licensed cosmetologist to this day. um you know I went to work in there I uh did everything that was asked of me I got in a little bit of trouble but nothing that was um documented um it was it was hard to stay sober in there um people will sell their uh their psych meds and stuff and I just I can't be in my own skin you guys I cannot be inside my own head and um so I had a little bit of travel in there but I mostly was really good under that strict, strict environment. Tell me exactly what to do. Tell me exactly where to go. Tell Me exactly where it'd be and how to act. And I can comply when needed. And so I get out and my mom is now living in Texas. She had moved to Texas two reasons, really one to be able to visit me every Saturday. And she did visit me every single Saturday that I was in prison, she would show up and the process to get into a federal prison to visit an inmate is intense. She would leave her house at like six o'clock in the morning. She wouldn't get in to see me until nine or 10. And she could only see me for a few hours. And then, you know, she'd have to go through the process of getting out. And all I would do is ask her to buy snacks from the vending machine and complain about my life in there and complain about the process that I had to go through to get into visitation because that is not pretty. You know, I've got no consideration or appreciation for what my mom has gone through or what she's going through, any of it. Nobody in my life matters as much as I matter. And so I get out, she's living in Texas and the other reason she's down there in Texas is she has met somebody and this wonderful man who became my stepdad. They waited until I got out of prison to get married. And, um, I get out of prison in April of oh nine and, uh, I go to their house and they're going to have a little, you know, they're older and they've been married before. And they're just going to do a little backyard shindig. And they just wanted all of their kids to be able to be there to see them get married." And so I come into her house and, and they were and have this little wedding. And, uh, I insist that they have a champagne toast and nobody in Corsicana, Texas cares about a champagne roast except for me. Um, but I insist and everybody politely, you know, raises their little plastic cups of champagne and puts them down and I'm just going to be a good daughter and gather up the cups and clean up. And I stand at my mom's kitchen sink and down every single one of them, finish the bottle. And then I'm off to the races again and I'm on probation. I've just come out of prison. I have an ankle monitor on again. I am supposed to submit to intensive outpatient counseling again, and go to more 12 step meetings and get more papers signed again. And I'm off to the races again. Prison wasn't enough. Nothing is enough to get me to quit drinking. And I still don't believe that alcohol is a problem. So what happened was, I was going to this counselor and I was getting these papers signed and I was living my life and I slowly but steadily making a mess of everything again. I'm 24 years old. And I'm a felon. I'm a violent felon, which makes a difference on a background check. I didn't know. Uh, I'm living with my mom and my stepdad. And, um, you know, I just don't know what my life is going to look like. And uh, I go to these intensive outpatient counseling sessions and, and my counselor was a firm believer in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And she was a firm believer in AA meetings and sponsorship. And she would tell us at every session, get a sponsor. You need to get a sponsor. If you need to work the steps and I'm like, not me though. You know one session, she started talking about God and prayer. And I don't know what her like curriculum for intensive outpatient counseling was supposed to be, but she's talking to us about God in prayer in this session. And she makes the correlation between electricity, which I found later very similar to what is said in the book is what she said in this fashion, but she talks about electricity and how, you know, uh, energy is something that we can't see, but we believe it exists. Electricity is something we can'T see, but we believe it exists. Your brain, a thought is literally like electricity between, you know, the neurons firing off, whatever. So it's energy that's going out into the universe and it's got to go somewhere because it can neither be created nor destroyed. She's like talking science to me about prayer. And I'm like, interested, you don't interested. And so she's basically saying, you say a prayer and that's putting energy out intothe universe andit's got to go somewhere. So it's worth something, you know, there's something to this prayer and I'm like, all right, maybe there's some things you this prayer. And, um, series of events happens. I find myself at a Motley crew concert in Dallas, um with an eight monitor on and, uh, my, I wish I had known it was going to be the last night I drank. I wish I had no not to drink something better. Um, but it was a friend had VIP tickets to a Motley concert. I'm not, I don't even know Motley crew that well, but I went because VIP means free beer. Um. But the free beer was Coors Light. That's my last drink. So sorry. Uh, but anyway, so I found myself, uh, the next day after that night, I wake up, um, come to, and this woman's words are in my head about prayer and about, um. Meetings. And she had mentioned a meeting that was 20 minutes away. Um, cause I was complaining about the meetings in Corsicana, Texas. I'm in Coursicana, Texas, like population, I don't know, 50. And I'm complaining there's an AA meeting in town. AndI think it's terrible because I know what the good AA meeting is. Right. and um I'm not even sober I'm not even so I don't even have an honest sobriety date I'm complaining about the AA meeting so I'm going to and um so she tells me about this one that is 20 minutes away in Ennis Texas and she says that's a good AA meeting I've been there myself I know it's good you should go there and she's talked to me about prayer and all this energy stuff and I've got all of this swirling around in my head and I'm like you know maybe I'll just maybe I'LL JUST SEE when that meeting she talked about meets and wouldn't you know they met that day and uh when she first told me about that meeting I was like there's no way I'm driving 20 minutes to a meeting no way in hell would I drive that far to an AA meeting I'll just go to the terrible one right here in town and um but that day I was willing to drive 20 minutes uh it's so funny to me that I thought that that was far um so I drive to this meeting and um Um, what I know today is that there was nothing different in that meeting than any meeting I had been to before, except for me. I was willing that day when I had never been willing before I was sick of living between my left and right ear. I was Sick of living in my own skin. And if I didn't make it to that meeting that day, I would have driven my truck off the highway. I could not do it one more day. And I walked into that meeting and it felt different because I felt different. And, uh, I asked a woman to sponsor me and it was so awkward. I didn't even know what I was asking her for. Um, and she asked me to get a big book and, um, you know, that became my first honest sobriety date, August 8th of 2009. And I started out on this journey and I started working the steps with her. We worked steps one, two, and three. And then I felt like I needed to move. I needed a move out of Texas. I couldn't live in Texas anymore. And I talked to my sponsor about it and I talked to my parents about it. And I talked to my probation officer about it and somehow everybody agreed that it'd be all right if I moved home to Tulsa, Oklahoma. And I found a friend that let me rent a room out of her house and I came up here to Tulsi and through another series of events, I got introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous on a level I had never experienced. I found a meeting myself and I found a sponsor myself and um you know I was going where I was going and then God started to put people in my life and uh so I found a new group and a new sponsor and I um you know if you're new I was on here this morning I logged on as early as I could because what I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is you show up early you show up early, that's where the magic happens. And I was actually told if I'm not 30 minutes early to a meeting, I'm late. So it's been over 10 years now and I show up 30 minutes early to the meeting. And it's a little different on Zoom. It's hard. I've got a seven-year-old and a five-year old and it's Saturday morning and they had a gymnastics thing this morning that their dad took them to. And so I was trying to get them ready and I was trying to get myself ready. So I didn't have my video on, but I just, I was logged into the meeting 30 minutes early before Amy talked. And I was just listening to the chatter, listening to The Noise and you know, the other speakers talked about that too. And when I was new, my head was so loud. My head can still be pretty loud today, but my head Was so loud and getting to the meeting 30 minutes early and joining in on the conversation and learning how to make coffee and learning how to clean up and set up, uh, you know, having a sponsor and working the steps is what's going to get me to God. That's what's gonna produce the psych change in me. That's goingto rearrange my thinking so that I can live comfortably in my skin and be of service to others. but I learned how to do life with the people at Alcoholics Anonymous. And I learned how to make phone calls and take phone calls. I was the girl who, if my phone rang, just go to voicemail. Like I'll just, maybe I'll call you back, you know? And I answered the phone today and I pick up the phone today. And those are the things that have made the difference in my sobriety long before I was able to take that first girl through the 12 steps and hear that first fifth step. Long before I was able to give my fifth step to my sponsor, I was showing up early to meetings. So if you're new today, please, please show up early. Get to know the people in the rooms. Even though we're on zoom, get to know the other alcoholics, because these are the people that are going to help save your life. And you may help save somebody else's life. Um, you know, sobriety has been, God, it's been an incredible journey. Um I've been able to, you know, listening to Al-Anon's talk has been really revolutionary for me. Okay. I worked the steps. I made my amends. I started working with other women, but nothing has changed like hearing Al-Anons, like Lori, tell their story. It brought back the memory of seeing my dad on the other side of the glass. And it brought back to me the memory that I was in a room the memory of standing in the courtroom, the day that I was sentenced and hearing my mom make a noise that I cannot replicate behind me. It was something like a scream and a cry. Um, and that's a memory that I would just blot out. I don't want to remember that. I don'T want to think about the things that I did to my family and my friends, the roommate who put up with the hell I put her through. I don't want to think about those things. So, you know, Alans, I want you to know how important it is that you share your story with alcoholics like me because I am selfish and self-centered to the core. And even in sobriety, I don'T want to THINK ABOUT THE WRECKAGE THAT I CAUSED BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I WORKED THE STEPS AND I'VE MADE AMENDS. AND SO, YOU KNOW LET'S JUST GO ON AND BE ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY, YOU KNOW, BUT THOSE MEMORIES HAVE COME BACK IN SOBRIETY. and uh there's always deeper work for me to be doing um it's not a one-and-done thing um I've continued to work the steps with my sponsor there's been a lot of changes my I've gotten married um to a wonderful member of Alcoholics Anonymous we didn't meet in the rooms we actually met on a blind date um but he on that blind date I still had an ankle monitor on and he proceeded to tell me how he had been homeless off and on for 10 years then I flashed my ankle monitor at him and told him I just got out of federal prison. And, uh, we've been married since 2011. And we have two beautiful daughters who have never seen either one of us drunk. I hope that they never do. And I also want to say that I really appreciate, um, people that share about raising kids in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous because I am one drink away from being a drunk mom and denying those girls from growing up in a sober home with a present mother. And it was a thought that was not lost on me this morning while I was logged into this conference and brushing my daughter's hair and getting it into a ponytail for gymnastics, because I get to show up for her because I show up with you guys, because you've taught me how to keep my commitments. Um, I get to be there with my daughters today and, um, we have a beautiful life. We have a beautiful life and I just can't forget that. Uh, I'll push it back across the bar at any moment. If I step away from you guys, if I lose that connection with God that I've only learned how to have in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I'll just hand it all over and walk away. And today, I don't want to do that. Today, I'm a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm grateful to know what alcoholism is and that I don'T have to feel that way or do those things or hurt those people anymore one day at a time with the help of all of you. I am dripping snot everywhere. I think that I'm done. Thank you so much for letting me be here today. wow thank you Megan