Fearless Moral Inventory and Defects of Character – Women’s Book Study – Part 12 of 13 – Bob A.

Okay, you're saying in the fourth step to write the names down on the list, okay? And then the next list is... For instance, if I wrote so-and-so's name, okay, and I see that my defects with this person... I mean, I've got a whole list here of, with this particular person, how all my defects come out, okay. So now, I'm supposed to say, okay... Instead of blaming this person, what I can do is say, okay, this person's in my life to help me to see my defects. the thing is I'm not that way with everybody but it's there but yet you know what I'm saying like I can put up a good fight I know what you're saying I don't walk around and I mean I don' t think I've ever reacted to Teresa or gotten defensive maybe one of the only shares but you know what I say very rarely no no what you are saying is not true the reason it's not true is because what you're saying is not true, see? It's that whatever is in you, if it's in you it's you. It isn't something that you only use with one person. It might show itself as one person but it's within you and it's a defect of character and as you live if the defect of your character hasn't been done something about it it'll appear again, again, and again and each time it comes it gets stronger because the disease gets stronger. That's the purpose of principles of step application. That's why step four is in the fourth position. It follows three because three allows you to have self-honesty because of who you're doing now. You're doing something with a power. You made a decision to turn your will and your life over to care of God. Now you can do step four. And in step four, when it said searching in fearless moral inventory, it means everything that's inside of you that you possibly could write about in the day you're in write it down everything write it now in the way you're writing in the days you're written these are principles now searching and fearless means there's nothing hidden there's something way back there hiding there's no thing back there that you won't admit or you won' look at or you wont accept you've got to look at this for what it is why have something in you that's going to cause you trouble. Why allow something there and blame it on one person? You can't do that. It's impossible because of the fact you're taking the whole disease when you take one part of it, you're taken it all. Just because you say you did all of the steps or you did the whole inventory but there's one thing left out that means the whole damn disease is there because of self. Because you wouldn't give it to God. You've kept it. You have to get self-honesty, real self- honesty. This is what I was trying for a long time to open Teresa up. To get her to talk. To get er to look at. To ge er to see. There's things inside that's got to come out. If they don't come out, they'll ruin your life. They'll deprive you of a job, of happiness, of maybe success. Something in the day you're in. And it's all about you. It's not about them, whoever them are. This is the same for you as it is for me. If it was me doing it, I'd have to look at me the same way I look at you. If I'm doing it I'll get the same results that you are. But you wouldn't stay in a situation that kept happening. Or with anybody. You know what I'm saying? It stands to reason. If you're living in a situation and it's very very bothersome, troublesome, harmful it has to change. Something has to change but I'm not talking about that especially. I'm talking about each and every one of us, how we have inside of us there's a character already built. That character has to come out in writing. And when it comes out inwriting, it has to be accepted in five, and it has to be given to God in step six. That means step six is a lifetime practice. Say I don't show a defective character, say for a year. I get along pretty good in my life. All of a sudden, a year later, here comes something that was in my inventory maybe it's jealousy I'm entirely ready right then a year later to have God take that from me but if I use it if I want to have it then I take my whole disease with me now because of who's doing what to who God isn't doing that to me I'm the one that's doing it to me that's why this daily application I'm talking about all the time if it isn't now it's never this has got to be considered you look at it if you can't walk and talk in the day you're in with principles coming from the step if you cannot use these principles as guidance as thinking you've got to do something about your life because you'll do again the same thing you've always done you went to self self says do it this way you're not in trouble you've got money, you've got a job, you got a girlfriend, you gotta husband, you get a wife but you won't have it very long because of what happens to each and every one of us the disease when the disease is on it's on full it's not on just because of one person because when the disease comes it means self and when self comes self brings everything with self so somebody's condescending to you okay you're just gonna stand there and if If you're in the application, it's just not going to affect you? Or do you say, you know what, I really don't appreciate that. I don't like that. And you just take care of yourself. That's where I get real confused. Okay, fine. Or you leave or something goes off and all of a sudden you can bleep that out. I was at a meeting in Colorado. I was in Denver, Colorado, and I was there. I was having a meeting. There was a little gal walking up to me, and she said, do you remember me? and I said no and she says well I was that gal that called you a son of a bitch at that meeting she stood up at the meeting and called me a son-of-a-bitch when I was talking you know and I said no I didn't remember her but see I don't believe I'm a son of a witch and I know my God doesn't believe I'm a son of a bitch whatever she believes that's her business it's not mine she didn't affect me one way or another not a bit but she wasn't somebody maybe that was real close to you or somebody that you loved or somebody. We're not talking about people. We're talking about ourselves. We're taking care of ourselves. We're only talking about the individual today, only today, today, me, me. If you're the alchemy of the alcoholism, we'll talk about you. I won't let you talk about other people. I won'T let you tell me how bad about your mind and we'll take care of that. I won'T let you go outside of yourself and say, I'm like this because I had to get their approval and they didn't give me their approval and all that kind of stuff. The disease is still the disease. It's a mind-controlling disease. We're not here to fix problems. We're nicht hier zu fix anderen Menschen. Es gibt nichts falsch mit diesen anderen Menschen, aber es gibt vieles falsch mit mir weil ich bin derjenige, der nicht in den Welt, in die ich bin, fit ist. Ich bin der eine, der keine Beziehung mit einem anderen Menschen hat. Ich bin die eine, die eine Frau schmerzt, die mich liebt, sie kümmert sich um mich and I still want to hurt her. What kind of a mind is that? This is what I've got to find out. This is all about what I'm here for. I'm Here For Me. That's what I said before in the beginning. That might sound like a selfish thing what I am saying. Believe me, that's not selfish. Because if I don't have this way of life I'll be laid in that same cemetery out there where that other guy shot himself over it. The same reason. This is life and death proposition. this is a portal ask all whether you know it or not this is prime time it can get no better than this you have to take this now what I'm talking about seriously this is life and death this is no joke I don't joke in Alcoholics Anonymous I don's joke in the message the reason why is because somebody's life might be at stake somebody might hear something that they need to stop them from committing suicide do you ever stop and think of that I think of it because it's happened a lot of times and I know darn well that if you as a sponsor you, you, any of you as a supporter if you could carry this message I know damn well that you can help someone that doesn't seem to be able to be helped by no one and I've seen this literally hundreds of times only by the message by the grace of God nothing I had to do with it but the message was delivered and that's what was important so you spend a day we spent last night we spent a day and I think that these days that I'm spending now just like this is very very productive I think that this message is heard it's been delivered what you're going to do with it I have no idea whether you want it I have not I have got no idea But I'm going to tell you, it's there for you like it's there for me. If you see this world that I'm talking about now and you can see it through different eyes and different minds, I guarantee you, you won't throw it away. There's too much here to have for each and every one of us. Hell man, I'm 74 years old now. I was 31 when I got here. Can you imagine how much of a life I've had? I've had a life, you can't explain it. You just can't be explained. I've had things given to me and I've been places and have things. There isn't any, there's no way there could be enough time to do what I've done. There's not enough money to do What I've Done. There's Not Many People In This World To Do What They've Done For Me But It All Happened To Me Anyway. And This Is A Promise That I Was Given A Long Time Ago. Then My Sponsor Told Me, I'm Going To Show You A Way Of Living Where Drinking Is Not Necessary. that was opening the door. The door's been wide open all day to you right now. So what we got now? We got 513. Can I make a couple of announcements? Okay, my name's Sylvia. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Sylvia! And, um... You know, we're... I know we're very fortunate to have had this opportunity to have a women's retreat and to have Bob lead it. And I know, you know, we almost didn't even have the retreat because of Bob's physical condition you know Friday almost was last Monday through Thursday he was hospitalized and then thank God that he's been healthy enough to be able to have this retreat with us so I want to thank you Bob for all the effort applause applause applause I know I couldn't have carried the message that long and that and I'm not even sick so anyways um and let's see um I'm gonna I want to make some acknowledgments because I know a couple people might be leaving tomorrow maybe not be here for the the overview so I want to just I want to thank a couple people like Helen Helen you found you looked for quite a while to find a place for us to have this retreat this is like six months she was looking both in so I want to thank you guys for putting out the effort really being committed to look for it because I mean it's terrific and it's a beautiful place and also Teresa Teresa put a terrific amount of effort out to put this together she the collecting the money communicating with these people to get it situated to where we could have the coffee the food the specific food that we have all of this stuff the cottages we almost had bunk housing but we got it upgraded for no extra cost this all took a lot of effort and I want to thank Teresa for doing that also all you guys thanks we've had a beautiful retreat I mean it's not over yet but it's been a wonderful couple days and I'm glad all you people all you guy showed so thanks maybe we can get a picture yeah Yeah, I was going to ask that too. Maybe we can get a picture in here somewhere or is there some leaving early in the morning? I don't really know. I'm not really sure what... You know, a group picture is really nice to have at retreats, you know. It's good remembrance, you Know. Yeah, it's... Everybody will probably show up for breakfast, but... Is everybody going to be here tomorrow? Kelly, are you going to come over here? Kelly's not going to go. She's not coming to be her. She's going to leave tonight. Maybe we could do it right after this. Is everybody okay with that? Yeah. what about at the beginning of the meeting right now we can do that if everybody's up for that we can just do it before the meeting I guess we only need flashes or whatever so we can meet right outside this feeling you mean outside or inside We'll be outdoors. Because it will be dark, won't it? Can we use a flash? Or eight. Okay, whatever. I don't know. It will be nice to have one outside and one inside. Okay. We'll meet up here in the lobby. Quarter to eight before the meeting and we'll do it. Also, at this meeting, from 8 to 10 tonight, we're having a regular meeting, sharing and everything, but we have a birthday cake to give out birthdays. Does anybody have a birthday that they want to take a cake at? If you do, see me afterwards and we'll set it up. Also, you guys are probably interested about this, the cakes. It looks to me like there's going to be seven cakes because we're already on the sixth. So what I'll do tomorrow is anybody that wants to give me money in advance will make arrangements to get the cakes to you. If there's seven cakes, it's goingto be $25. And then if you want me to ship it to you, I don't know if maybe you can meet me in a meeting I can give you the tape that will be an additional whatever $3 I think it is so we can do that, we can arrange that we'll arrange that tomorrow if anybody wants to make other arrangements see me afterwards and that's all what's that? oh no, they will take us out of tradition tonight at the meeting thank you very good we'll close with some kind of a prayer yeah, we'll closed with the Lord's Prayer our Father our Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come thine will be done on earth as it is in heaven give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever Amen keep coming back it works We're going to start up This is the date This is September 10th, 1995 and did you say you had an announcement that you wanted me to make? I'm just an alcoholic really quick check out time it's 12 o'clock but they give you some leeway so they're not going to come storming on you at 12 o´clock you got until like 12.30 you can leave your keys in your room or you can turn them in at the front desk okay real good name the retreat also the name of the retreat is the first primetime women's retreat yeah I'm going to go around to everyone and ask you if you want tapes individually so if you're questioning about that I'm gonna go around I'll start with you okay so let's go and start it up Bob, you're on. Okay. Good morning. My name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Bob! Let's open up with a serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenities to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. You know, this meeting now, we can run it for most generally an hour and a half It's all right. And what it's about mainly, it's not a review now. It's not running back through certain things that we talked about in step application. But it's more of an overview of what has happened here and what has taken place in each and every one of our lives as we came here. And it's things to talk about that maybe these are new things, maybe things that you found here at this weekend that you might have wrote about. That's what I mean about the writing because it's very important to remember all of these things because later on, if you date everything, you'll see where you were at one time and then you'll be able to see and then we'll see where you have taken off from and how far you've progressed. And an overview would be more like a knowledge of what took place Friday night about alcoholism, ego, self and what took places Saturday on steps. And so it would be something to talk about. A review is always going back to step one and this rehashing or relooking or re-questioning things. An overview is more of information that you have, that you acquired here from this meeting, from this retreat. And that is good to talk a little bit because the others around here, maybe you heard something they didn't and that's very, very possible. and or maybe something became very pronounced in the effect of what it is when it wasn't there before and now it's there. So it's good to talk about it because this is even on some of the other retreats, the men's retreats. It seems like Sunday is a day that some of these guys really overnight they really got something to hassle with you and they got something that's got to be shown again so that it can be really receptive to what it really is, see? So try to look at it that way and try to looking as even in the questions now that you have been writing. Maybe we could get some of them questions or all of them answered there or at least attempted to answer them anyway. So we can start right off the same way. Just pick on anybody, anybody at all who wants to start it off. Anybody in particular? There's a lot to talk about here, believe me. don't be frightened don't Be afraid anything at all and everything we're here for is certainly not to harm you but it's to help you so yeah just to kind of start off with a sort of overview one of the things I've been doing is starting off the day with I usually say the third step prayer and the seventh step prayer together but I've just started before I even get into those prayers I've started by remembering the first step and the second step and then seeing the third step and kind of touching on in other words what I try to do now is in the morning before I go anywhere have done the first seven steps that day in the mornings and then and I wondered you know I feel really good about it what do you think? You know anything and everything I know for sure like even the barest of beginnings is enough to start something. Like with myself, I had to start somewhere and I had a start with another man's word and other men's God and everything else. But it doesn't make any difference. This is still the individual program of recovery. This is till the application of the day we're in doing the things that we need to do for our own life as we live our life. So no matter what it is, if it feels good, if it seems good and if you're talking to God, I guarantee it is good. along that lines with prayer um i wanted to know i always had this idea that you must get on your knees and i heard you say that's not absolutely necessary i i even find it painful sometimes i always thought oh you have to do that gesture because the gesture itself helps the prayer reach you but there's some sort of magic there but the magic just happens when you open your eyes and just kind of contact make contact isn't that correct yeah so if i'm in the shower if i've If I'm taking a walk, if I open my eyes and I'm still laying in my bed. Right, right. I can pray right there. Right, you learn, I learned the same way. I learned that I had to have God with me all the time. And what that meant, it didn't mean prayer. But I had the God consciousness with me so that my life, as I lived my life in the day I was in, I wasn't thinking from selfie self. I wasn' t thinking from yesterdays. I wasn''t thinking with me alone because that's when I found out I get in trouble. no matter what's going down when I'm alone I get in trouble and the trouble I get into is in my mind because of what it tells me and what it says to do or not to do and as far as the prayer goes I learned myself a long time ago at one time it had to be on my knees always had to been if I was at work or I didn't mean where I was I had to being on my knee but that was a ritual that I learned to do to make contact with the God that I didn' t have before and then I found out later on that I can walk and talk with the same God that I talked to on my knees the first thing you know this God became a part of my life as I lived my life he was a living God he wasn't a God of name he wasn' t a God or ritual he wasn''t a God for time but he was God for my life and this meant that wherever I am at right here, right now I have the capacity right now to ask God to be with us all right now to help us, guide us, strengthen us all to hear his message his words, his works this is a prayer that I didn't do on my knees but you see this is the living God that I'm talking about this is why step 11 becomes something in me that I did not know the principles of step 11 step 11 says sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understood him praying only for the knowledge of His will for me and a power to carry that out. Well, that's exactly what each and every one of us need. Whether you know it or not, I know it. Because of the fact that wherever my mind goes, my God has to go with me. And if He isn't there consciously, when would He get there? Would He get There when I'm sleeping? Would He Get There when sometimes maybe I'd be somewhere and then maybe all of a sudden I might get a bright idea to talk to God. Why not have a bright idea to talk to them all the time? Now, talking to them isn't prayer. Not in the sense of saying words and that. Talking to them is living with them. I talk to me because I live with me. Everywhere I go. Who do you think I talk too? There's nobody in the car and I'm talking like mad. I'm taking it easy. I'm not talking to me. Why couldn't it be talking to a power greater than me? Why couldn'T I acknowledge my life to God? All I'd have to do right now, All I'd have to do right now is praise and thank him for allowing us to be here today. And he's here right now. Just as simple as that. Somebody else? Yeah, Michelle. Thank you for this retreat. It's so cool that a man, and I'm sorry to do this man-woman thing, but that a men can sit in front of all these women and I totally relate to you. I don't see you as man, you know, just that we're alcoholic. and that we're on this quest together to get this living God in our life. That's just a miracle. It truly is. This morning I got up, it was about 4 o'clock, and I took a walk. Very aware that there might be stairs walking with me. But I just was... It's so pretty out, and the moon was out, and the stars were out. It was so quiet. And I'm just walking around trying to talk to God. And what I got is there's no little bit of my alcoholism. Right. Okay? A little bit pregnant. Yeah. Thank you. So there shouldn't, for me, there can't be a little bit of this program. it's either all or nothing. Yes, right. You know, and I always thought my alcoholism was just over here or it was over there or it wasn't when I was doing this. And I heard this between... It's me. That is me. I'm just tickled to death. I mean, this has been a really big deal. And all these women sharing in YouTube You know, this list that Nadine gave us, you know, that's what I got out of this. The hope and the faith and the courage from all, everybody here. I thank everybody for sharing. And we have so much to do. All right? You bet. Linda. Bob, yesterday you talked about, in the pen stuff, you talked a lot about the strength of tongue and pen. And then it talks about how we should train ourselves, you know, to step back and think. I mean, they're talking about I should train myself higher. Somebody follow me around and throw a tennis ball in my mouth as soon as they see my eyes. You can read me like a newspaper. Or are they talking about train myself to turn to God? What exactly is the difference between self and self and about training myself? it's not a self-help program and it can never be a self help program so it means that every time that you correct yourself that you say to yourself things that you're doing or thinking about doing if you're going to do it alone believe me, it has no effect because what you said you don't mean what you've said you'll do again and the God consciousness that I'm talking about is a building character you have to start down in step one but as you start this in step one, the character you become is a character by principles and right away in step two, what's introduced in step 2, you'll find almost invariably in the days you're in any day that becomes disturbing any day maybe a little bit off just a little, not a whole lot you'll wind out that you're alone You'll find out that you made decisions. You'll found out that you've been talking to yourself. You've been looking at the situation and when you did that you have to take it for what it really is. It's all about self-centeredness. It's always about the individual, the power of the mind. You'll, you'll find that there is no such thing. There either God is or he isn't. Either one of the two. There can never be an in-between. There's no such place to go. so you see all of us every one of us when you're walking and talking the day you're in you have a way of living now even when you make a mistake you still have away of living God will never forsake you he'll never leave you you can leave him but he's always there to come back to and you can remember this by trying it use it live it do it in the day your in when you see yourself getting hard thoughts and these are very easy for any and all of use to do because self will produce hard thoughts. Self will reproduce a memory of a behavior that happened maybe recently, maybe a long time ago. And the only way that it would be possible to get rid of that, self can't get rid off it because self produces it. So you've got to look at it for what it really is. This is a relationship and it starts out in the beginning like I was talking about in principle building, character building, spiritual values and character building had to come first this means each individual can have now in other words just because we're all together and we all think well right now we can't help each other just because we think well we must each of us do the same thing depend upon a power greater than ourselves or restores the sanity and this is what you're talking about it's because you're not living really you're not living for the next person. The next person could be in your life and real close, but you're still the one that has the trouble. You're still the one that has a mind that hurts and hurts people too. I'm Jenny. I just love you so much Bob. I really do and I just want to thank you so Much for all the insight and awareness that you've given me in my life and all these women. I know it means a lot to me and I know it means a lot to all of us and you said something yesterday that really you know it's like when the light bulb goes off you hear it I mean you helped me yesterday tremendously but what you said was real clear to me is that as the character starts to change for me as I apply these principles and steps in my life with a power greater than myself what will happen to me is the character will start to change and what was needed won't be needed see with the old character what is needed for me is to be defensive to fight to protect myself to show you that you can't be condescending to me to show you that wait a minute you don't know who you're talking to to have that full control wow that's all I can say as well and what I'm aware of by what you're saying in this whole retreat is that I won't need that in my life today with the new characters. That won't be a part of my life. What if the hurt and the pain and the anguish that I've carried around for all these years, regardless of what's happened, won't being needed in my wife to draw from anymore? You know, I don't need to draw form that anymore because I'll be drawing from a power greater than myself which will open up my eyes to see other things in the world instead of pain and anguish and resentments and what they did to me, and I'm going to blame them. Because you know what? That's what I do in my disease. That's how I am. And, you know, I do not want a repeat performance. I don't. You know, I don' t. I want to live the way the book says and what Bob teaches in that. I want it to be happy, joy, and free. I want my mind open to accept all the love that's in this room and to accept the love that's out there. And I've got so much love to give, you know. But when I'm in my disease, I'm shut down. I'm real shut down and real protective and I don't want to open up because I'm afraid, you now. I'm brave. And, youknow, the neat thing is it's like I don' t want to draw from that anymore and I think that this retreat all that you and I talked about you know me real well, younow. It's like you're coming together for me and it's just like that God consciousness It's like I struggled with that, too, and I want you to know. For months, I mean, and all the time, I say, well, how do you do it? And, you know, it's like it's real simple. It's not something that I have to try to figure out on my own because I never will. You know, andI can just sit here as I'm talking at the same time and thank God for all you women in here and for Bob. That's the consciousness. I know it's happening. it's like as I'm talking I'm also thanking God for this opportunity and this life that I have today and I'll tell you what you know all of us could bring up stuff in our lives that are painful and hurtful you know just like that and bring that disease back on but you know what I don't want to look that way today and I'm so grateful for that thank you thank you it's funny you mentioned that but I can't go to brief only because it's been five years and this question is still not answered for me and i worry about my spiritual growth um i have a sick son that is sick every day sometimes better sometimes not and i don't question that god doesn't work with them but what happens is when I worry about the third step, you know, God is everything or nothing. And I worry that I stop myself, you know, and that I'm not in that conscious time, you know. And I know I'm not maybe making myself clear, but I hope you would understand what I'm trying to say. That's true. That's true. And when I'm at meetings, and I try to, or even big book step studies, you know, that's what it really does not answer. and I'm hoping that you're referring to a place in the book where there is a specific alcoholism and, you know, just hearing something that you can relate to that form, please. Well, you notice the important thing about everything about what we do we meaning Alcoholics with Alcoholism is that we find a way of life in Alcoholics Anonymous in the principles and with God and this way of life is the way of life that takes care of us in the day we're in the total dependency that I have to have in the day that I'm in has to be with God the total dependency cannot be in other places now I can be around people that are sick or I could be sick myself and I could be looking at something that's in me not in somebody else and I still have the assurance that my heavenly father is going to take care of me that no harm will come to me, then no temptation is going to take me away. In other words I'm not going to get so sick in my mind that I have to leave God Temptation could mean anything and everything, but temptation is that I guarantee that if I stay with God nothing can hurt me, nothing can harm me nothing can take anything away from me But when I live with someone and that someone could be close, a son or wife or whoever it is and they're having troubles they're having sicknesses, they're having a way of life the strongest effort that I could put out would be a relationship with God to help them to pray with them, to do the things that I can do to make their life better, whatever that is at least I'm doing that in the day I'm in I can't heal people it isn't possible, even the doctor can't, the doctor operates but God heals and this means exactly that for me, for you for all of us. We all do have troubles. I've known alcoholics that have instantly lost maybe a mother, father and a son at the same time. I've lost my wife one time. I been with other people that have cancer with hundreds of these people in the AA and they died. Every one of them died, and when they died what happened is that their life, whatever their life is, would continue on or go on, because I believe there is a hereafter and I believe it would be purposely nothing today if that wasn't like it is because of what we have to do in the day we're in. We have to add to the world, we haveto contribute to the word. To find peace of mind with what you're talking about would be having knowing that you have a God in your life. You have a power. And this power you're using with prayer, with the person, whoever the person is. That person could be unconscious. It wouldn't make any difference. I was on life support two weeks. I was On Life Support for two weeks with machines keeping me alive while they held meetings around me, held my hand and said the Lord's Prayer. I have no memory of that. That happened when I was on machines that was keeping me live. But you see, all of their prayers, and all of their prayers means all of them, any of them. Then they came from all over the United States. You see, that was the thing that I needed to have in my life. When I couldn't do it, God says, it'll be done for you. And it's done through people just like this right now. You must, you must yourself have in you exactly what I'm talking about now, the program recovery, the relationship with God, the principles. These are the things that are going to be guiding and directing you. The strength and power that you need to say the right word, to be in the right place will always be given to you through the grace of God. This is all about what this retreat is about right now. This isn't just about being sober. This isn't just about having fun. This is about living in a world. A world that's out there for every one of us because you see that world is still full of death accidents, harms, hurts of all types but I don't have to live in the day I'm in frightened, afraid I don' t have to life in that world hating that world because it just turned on me again it took somebody away from me I love you see this way of life that I'm talking about I didn't know what it was all about until the time came what you're talking about what I'm taking about now this is what really happened inside of me there's a change of character this change of character is what I need to be so the day I'm in no matter what goes down whether it's good or bad happy or sad win or lose makes no difference my Heavenly Father is still taking care of me see so this is something maybe for you that in your prayers that you could offer to God and you offer to G-d to be able to be help of help wherever that help is needed whether it is with your son whether it was with anybody doesn't make any difference and this will allow you to go wherever you go and when you leave there you'll know you left with the assurance that your Heavenly Father is taking care of everything including your son and you and everyone else that do it enough this is a big program this goes a lot deeper I can talk deeper in the steps in spiritual value spiritual application but at a retreat like this we do this only because it's a surface thing we're learning how to start and live and learn to live in a life but can you imagine how much more is expected out of each and every one of us as we grow spiritually in our life as we live our life there's more to do there's more to go for but you see you always have the power that takes you there that you can go there and it will happen to each and every one of us Adriana I wanted to ask you how do you if there's bitterness or a tragedy, sort of similar to the question that the lady had asked. But if you have, like you feel God has betrayed you or you feel, that's what you feel. How do you get back to Him? I mean, yesterday was a perfect example because I was totally in my disease and I was, like the meeting, I was really trying to get back to God but it didn't come right away. It took a while. How you go from something really extreme, you know, and get back This is what I told you yesterday. It's the hardest thing to hear for what it's for. You can listen to it, but you can't hear it. To hear it means to use it, to be with it, to have it, to do it. It's a shame for all of us, every one of us. I live in the day I'm in. I live on this day. I've had a lot of yesterdays, but I don't live in yesterdays. If I made a mistake yesterday, if I got drunk yesterday, if I was sober yesterday, it still hasn't got a thing to do with what I'm talking about right now. I'm taking a step back and I'm going to take a step forward. I'm not talking about building a character in relationship to God. I'm building it as I live it. As I live its now. And it means now for each and every one of us. This is what Michelle I was talking to you about that we'll have to talk about sometime and to realize that you only have this moment. You only have the now. And if you can live in this now with a power greater than self, that's what's needed. What you were trying to do, Adriana, was you were living with self. You was remembering with self You was going into days and weeks and maybe months and all was self was reliving, re-experiencing, re-telling you, redoing something. and each time it does that it gets worse instead of better so you see there is a way there is method this is why it's talked about on page 85 in your big book when it says I'm not cured of alcoholism what I really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition every day is a day I must carry the vision of God's will into all of my activities you see there is a lot here but these are words and I know they will do you no good I know that but they don't have to be just words they can be application they can być принципos you can buck up against something that's really bad really harmful really would throw you for a loss normally but it won't throw you for a lost because you have something now that you're going to you're using instead of looking at tragedy, yesterday's troubles future losses you have a power that says I'll take care of it I'll supply what's needed you don't Have to worry and I don't have to worry each and every day I go into these doctors every Monday I'll go tomorrow and what I hear from him I have no idea but I don' t have to have an idea because I know exactly my Heavenly Father is there taking care of me anyway so it doesn' t make no difference what he says it doesn't make no different what the chart reads see but if I walked in there alone can you imagine what my mind would tell me right away it would start doing I got two daughters I got maybe a few possessions I'm wondering who's going to get this and who's gonna get that I'm starting to look at something that hasn't happened yet and it's upsetting why should I live like that I don't need to live like that that's what this is about this retreat is about is learning why these steps are here the steps are a way of life they're a method they're the program recovery nothing else is a program recovery it's part of what's necessary but the program recovery is 12-step application because of what it is that you must do in the day you're in if you don't do that what could you possibly do let's see every one of us are guaranteed the same thing everyone no exception maybe to me and what I do when I'm finding myself in the disease. And I've been able to come out of it on numerous occasions, to be able to see it and see what's happening and to be able come out the other side of it. And that's a miracle for me. I've never been I've always been confused about the application of steps right in the moment. I've actually thought that you have to sit there and do step one, and then step two, in step 3, but I've actually experienced that that's not how it's done. And so I'm asking for some kind of, just if you could talk about that. That is not, that I always, when I was trying to apply the steps, I tried to apply step 1, step 2, step 3 and when I found out that's not how it works but by accident I found that out not by accident do you understand what I'm saying yeah yeah you know in Elkois Anonymous it's a message that's really it's a foreign it's alien it's way far removed from any thinking that any one of us have been brought up because we've been brought up a certain way we've been brought up by school, by graduation.