Faulty Emotional Dependency Syndrome – Workshop – Glasgow Scotland – Part 5 of 8 – Tina W.

Questions. Questions. Do you believe there are duly addicted people? And are they powerless over drugs and alcohol? Yes, I believe that. My will, my power, how do I spot the difference? My inner voice, God? I think God speaks to me. we'll deal with that one tomorrow do you believe that eventually alcoholics can achieve and maintain a level of emotional sobriety Tom Brady speaks about it's interesting you know Tom Brady, Tom Brady is one of my best friends, he passed away of course Tom Brady did an awful lot of speaking about emotional sobriery from a professional point of view Tom Brady was a clinical therapist so all his discussions about emotional subriety included a therapeutic approach, but the question, do I believe that I can achieve and maintain a level of emotional sobriety? I don't know about Tom Brady's, but AHS. The one that the big book in the 12 and 12 speak about? Yeah, I think I can get that. How many people that you know has the workshop helped? I have no idea. All I can tell you is thousands of people do this around the country. I can give you a little, whoever asked that question about do I know people personally whose workshops helped. How about so far this weekend? We have a group in Chicago just for the heck of it. It's the Chicago Beginners Group. It's actually my home group in Alcoholics Anonymous. Seven or eight years ago, what was it? Seven. Seven years ago, we started that group specifically to help people that wanted to come off medication safely. We wanted to start a group where that was possible because that doesn't exist. And I said, that said they wanted to. We don't tell anybody to come Off Medication anytime. I don't tells people to come Of Medication. I conversely do not tell people to go on because people in AA told me I should go on. That was just as bad as telling me to come of. But we started a group in Chicago that would give people who knew that they falsely reported their symptoms to the doctor, got put on medication because they wanted an easier, softer way, and now they've got to come off it and they don't know if they can. So we started a group of six people. Five of those six were on medication. All five are 100% off. Not only that, but they're happy. But they did it safely. We developed a technique, and here's how it is. It's dangerous to comeoff antidepressants, cold turkey. Deadly dangerous. That's one of the reasons so many people don't ever get free of either alcohol or meds. So what we did in Chicago was we've got a psychiatrist in Chicago, and we suggested they go in and tell the doctor, look doc, I exaggerated my symptoms. Tell the truth. And we tell them, don't do that if you didn't. But tell the Doctor, I exaggerated my symptoms, I was desperate, and I wanted to make sure you understood how I felt. I have never really tried AA I went to meetings but I've never really tried what I'd like you to do is I'd likely to safely take me off the meds and I want to give AA an honest effort and if it doesn't work I will voluntarily go back on medication see at that point the doctor can't wait to take him off because he knows in the back of his mind that they probably don't need it for a long time and that they're just trying to stabilize them. And so that group that was six people seven years ago is now approximately 75. And of that 75, 51 were on medication all or off. And they're safe and they do well. And none of them are diagnosed schizophrenic. We suggest they might be when they start hearing God's voice. They did it safely with the help of a doctor. So you hear the disclaimer in there? I don't want anybody leaving here saying that it's on a website that I tell people to get off medication. That's a bold-faced lie. I'm not telling anybody. There's a lot of lies running around about me around the AA world, and I ain't got enough to... You know, in a way, I'm glad. I'm going to tell you why. There are so many people living in my past, there's no room for me. Okay. So yeah, I know thousands of people And I'm not exaggerating. Around the world that are using this workshop format to overcome the ism factor, the agnosticism that you're about to hear a little more about. I was told in treatment that I drink to escape. Is that true? We covered that. We drink for relief. Dr. Silkworth says we don't drink to escaped. We drink to relief. And to overcome a craving beyond our mental control. when the depression etc hit you at 70 you're sober were you practicing your principles and all your affairs yes I was that has very little to do with it's like a lot of people say you want to give that example now let me set it up I took Tina with me I invited her to speak at a convention in North Carolina and I of course invited Tina to come with me and she talks openly about a situation in her life that she's going to talk about in just a little bit. But we were sitting there having dinner with my speaker hostess and her husband. And I knew right away he was a sharpshooter, one of those AA sharpshooters who sits in the weeds until they have a chance to criticize you and then they strike and then go back like a coward into the weeds. This happened to her in front of me. She's breathing. so we were at dinner and they were sitting there having dinner and I was sharing about a period in my sobriety at about 21 and a half years sober after my life had kind of disintegrated around me and at 21 and a half year I found myself standing on a bridge contemplating jumping off because it looked like the easier softer way for a minute and at the time I was completely immersed in Alcoholics Anonymous. I was sponsoring about 30 to 35 women in Northern California. I was running all over the place speaking in Northern and Central California. I was reading the big book at 12 and 12. I was the queen of AlcoholicsAnonymous. There were a lot of people that liked to tell me that too, not so nicely, but I was doing everything that I knew how to do. All of the applications and the instructions that I had been given new still worked for me at 21 and a half years and I was reading the book and sponsoring I was going to meetings I had girls coming over I'd read to them we were working the steps I was taking my own inventory on a regular basis doing everything that I knew how to do and some things happened in my life that just threw me for a loop my marriage ended my son ended up in Iraq and I completely lost my mind and was stuck in self pity not knowing that self pity was what I was stuck with She thought she was depressed. I was just so depressed. And so I had gone to the MBAR convention in Monterey to meet with my sponsor on a Saturday afternoon, and I was talking to Bill, and then he told me to go pray about it. And I took off, and I went for a walk, and I found myself on the bridge praying about it, and I didn't jump. And what I believe today is that 21 1⁄2 years of experience doing what's required of me in Alcoholics Anonymous enabled me to walk away from that bridge. So Wayne asked me to share that with the committee. There were maybe six people sitting at the table. Yeah, we was at the speaker dinner where you would expect a modicum of respect and integrity. So yeah, there were the two of them, two other people and Wayne and myself at thetable and he asked meto share that story and her husband said when I was finished, what kind of spiritual program must you have been working with 21 and a half years sober and what I know is that at that time I didn't know what to do I just shut up because I didnít have an answer and my immediate response is oh my god youíre right what kind OF spiritual program I must have been lacking or I wouldnít have been standing on that bridge at 21 and half years so Wayne jumped in and took care of it for me and told him that well you can tell him what you said But what I know is my immediate default is to go back to, I'm not good enough. I'm nicht doing it right. There's something wrong with me, and you guys all got it better than I do. Does anybody identify with that? When you're under pressure, you go right to your first default, which is almost always negative. Self-doubt. All the ones that were up on the board a little bit ago, self-centered fear. I'm going to lose my respect or my position in Alcoholics Anonymous, all of those agnostic tendencies that we jump to. And so the question is at 7 years or 21 years, were you practicing all these principles and all your affairs? And I absolutely believe that I was. What I found in this workshop, the first time that I actually attended the workshop was the first times that I helped with it. And my help is that I take notes And I kind of keep up with where we're at In case he goes sideways to tell a story I know where he was going If you notice, I have a tendency to deviate Not that he really needs me to do that It makes me feel good So the first time I had come here I was actually helping with the workshop I had listened to a set of CDs from Bournemouth, England Where he had done another workshop And so I was sitting here taking notes, and I forgot what the heck I was going to say. Oh, so I didn't realize that the information that I was getting in that workshop and as a result of listening to those CDs, my thing is I must have been doing something wrong or I wouldn't have been there at 21 1⁄2 years sober. But the truth is what I find here is a little practical application daily, ways that I could tweak what I was already doing that I found more effective for myself. not that I was skimping on anything that I wasn't praying and meditating doing everything that I learned how to do that enabled me to stay sober that long what were you missing? huh? well hell, I don't know knowledge of my own condition right, I knew there was something wrong with me but I didn't know what it was and when you're a goddess in Alcoholics Anonymous nobody can know that there's anything wrong with you so you gotta hide it And so I did my best to hide it, not only from you guys, but from myself. Somebody asked a question or made a comment earlier about denial. And I thought for the longest that I was in denial about a lot of different things. And then Wayne broke down the difference between denial and delusion because the book says that we suffer from delusional thinking. And I'm not consciously aware that I'm deluding myself. Did she say that our problem is our thinking or that we suffer from delusional thinking? Delusional Thinking is caused by a broken spirit, a soul sickness. That is significant because it means there's hope. Because my thinking can't be fixed without positive, contrary action. I didn't know that. Right. And the other thing that was critical for me to realize is that, because I do it all the time. I've been sober a long time. i go into meetings and i judge and a lot of times i like tell myself i ought to or it's really okay or make up excuses how come i can or whatever but when whenever i'm not completely aligned with my okay inside myself i have to project that negativity out onto somebody else if i don't feel good here you're gonna get it and the way that that comes out is you could be doing that better you shouldn't be with her i haven't seen you in a meeting for a week and oh my god what step was that. And I get really self-righteous and condemning of other people to cover up my own inadequacies and inferiorities. And the damning part of that is she's not consciously aware she's doing it. That's why it's not denied. That' s why it' s full on delusional thinking. And unless you're armed with the fact, unless I'm armed with the facts about my condition I am going to be victimized by that which I cannot see and by which no other human being can see with the human eye. And that's what makes, I think that's What causes so many of us to die drunk or at our own hand. Making the supreme sacrifice rather than continue to fight. How many of us, thank you baby, how many of us get right away when we're drinking? Some people commit suicide drinking because they can't stop. But how many of us commit suicide when we are sober because we know we can't start? It's like, I can't live like this another day. And how many of them are 10 and 15 and 20 and 25 years sober? It's never the newcomer. Well, not never. Most often, not the newcomers with six to eight months to a year that commit suicide. It's somebody that's been sober a long time like myself who is so entrenched in those old ideas that I can see anything but what I believe. And I'm unwilling to not look at anything that's new for myself. Let's remember, an old idea is any idea that has proven or is proving to be unsound or unfit for its intended purpose in my life. I have had old ideas in the past six months. Ideas that I had that proved to not be in my best interest. And today, we're going to show you how we do the inventory of the old ideas tomorrow. How Bill Wilson learned to do inventory with Father Ed Dowling beyond what he had in the big book, what is included in the 12 and 12 how I can spot my old ideas and check them before they get locked into an obsession because I am quick to obsession anybody else? you give me something to think about and I think it deserves concentration and if it hurts me I'll concentrate even more and then I'll share it with you ok so hang on to that for a minute alright so let's go back here Okay, I'm obscured from the needed power to live. And because this is agnostic, this is something that I had to come to believe before I could find any peace. It doesn't mean you have to. This is what I came to believe. I believe that agnesticism has no cure. I have living proof in 31 years of my life that it's like... I kind of get sick of repeating it. 194th workshop. And do you know I still doubt it? I go right to doubt. That fast. I don't even have to think about it. Oop, doubt. Will they come back? Probably not. How's it going? I don' t know. And that's just with me. Now I want to go through some symptoms of what I like to call, and you can't find it in these exact words in the 12 in 12, but after I share this with you, you'll be able to pinpoint it right away. People like me, and I presume many of you, have what we call the first thought reaction default. Welcome. Greetings. When it comes to old ideas, remember, many of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was going backwards, nil, until we let go absolutely. alcoholics of my type who suffer from obscurity who are agnostic did you read that in the big book where it talks about agnostically inclined no I do not there it is right there we agnostical inclined would not feel satisfied with a proposal did you want me to read more of it yes Yes, we of agnostic temperament have had these same thoughts and experiences. I did research on that. We of agnostic temperament? He pulled that from three different religious beliefs. Agnostically inclined. Agnosticaly inclined. In other words, I'm a leaner. I'm always swimming towards the crap. I'm like a crapola seeker. I'm agnostically inclined, and I have an agnostic temperament. That was very interesting to me, and after being in the amount of therapy I've been in, that piqued my interest. Because I did not, I am under the impression agnestic means I don't believe in God. And I come to find out that that is not what, in our relationship to alcoholism, that Bill Wilson was referring to as agnosticism is all about God. As a matter of fact, it's just the opposite. There's a book written by a guy named Ernest Kurtz called Not God. Has anybody read that book? It's a really hard read. It's actually his doctoral thesis. A little bit of quick history. Ernest Kurz was a normie earth person doing a doctoral thesis He asked our permission to do a history review of AA because that's what he wanted to write. is because AA was called the greatest social movement of the 20th century. So he picked that social movement for his thesis. So he asked our permission to go into our archives to do an accurate history survey. And we immediately, of course, were glad to say no. Because we never allowed a non-alcoholic into our personal archives. Nor I don't think we should. There's things in there that earth people don't need to know about. and besides that anonymity is precious to me finally we gave in and here's why there's a lot of scuttlebutt going around about our history and it's always been scutdlebutted by other alcoholics who have a personal agenda to make the history come out the way they want it to well since Ernest Kirsch didn't have any agenda of any kind our trustees thought hey this would be a good idea for someone who has no agenda except to write an accurate historical account and to take in the facts without leaning it towards Bob, leaning it toward Bill. They gave him permission. And he spent a few years in our archives and wrote a thesis. It was received and passed with no negative marks against it by his panel of PhDs. And then it was published. And the book was called Not God. Well, as soon as it was released as Not God, it annoyed me. I wanted to know why he would say it's not God because I was thinking that AA is all about God. How many of you have thought AA is about God? People talk about God endlessly in the U.S. So I thought, oh my God, this is about God. It's about God So here we go, the fish swimming for water Where's water? Where's God? So I actually phoned up and hunted up Ernest Kirch myself. Remember, I'm a wire anybody else I have to know why and I will not allow anyone in or out of AA to tell me I don't need to know Why that makes me a captive to their thinking I want to know WHY so I found out WHY I contacted Ernest Kurtz got an audience with him because I had a personal question to ask him and when I met him we started chatting I was curious about it I said do you mind if I ask you a question he said what's that I said, I want to know why you would write your book and call it not God. I thought AA was all about God, and here you're saying it's not God, and he says, well, I beg your pardon, but AA is not about God in my opinion. I'm thinking, well so much for you, you non-alcoholic, but I heard myself say, what do you mean? He says, Well look, I spent a lot of time surveying your archives and your history and all of the movement that came before it, the Washingtonians, the Oxfordites, the Emanuel movement, which is not well known, but it's accurately reported on. He says, And what I discovered is AA is not about God at all. And so I titled my book Not God for two reasons. One, I titled it Not God so AAs would realize they're not God. Because many of us play God, don't we? He said, The other reason is because after my humble review, I don't think for one second he's about God. And I said, I don' t understand. He says, of course you don't. Because you think it's about G-d. I almost punched him, I swear to G- d. Instead I said would you mind telling me how you come to that conclusion? Now I've already done a lot of research myself. And so I want to talk to him on the level of research. He said, well let's put it this way. Lots of people talk about G- D endlessly and then they drink again. but they talk about God they talk about it talk about it talk about it talk about it meetings are full of God chatter and then they go drink he said that's not God that's God talk God speak he said here's what I believe and he changed my life here's what he said I believe I believe that AA is of God now it sounds like a play on words but here's where it got interesting he says I believe God and AA are the same I said what I said what he said when you thank God think AA they're synonymous he says you really can't touch AA it's a spirit it's spiritual thing and then he told me he's telling me the history of AA when I know it really well he's talking about that moment that Bill W turned away from the drink at Mayflower Hotel picked up a phone and got a hold of somebody that got ahold of Dr. Bob and the moment they got together when Dr.Bob took his last drink on June 10th he said you're going to tell me that God's not involved in that he said that's not God, that's of God and I thought oh that's it and at that moment I unplugged from a faulty idea about God and I plugged into the heart beat of the spirit of AA as my God and I'm going to say that AA is not about God at all AA is of God in my opinion you can believe whatever you want but we're going to show tomorrow how those of us that plug into the heartbeat of AA have very little trouble not only staying sober but being happy and having emotional balance almost without a whole lot of effort, we'll show you that tomorrow morning that's where we're gonna go with that so not about God, of God so if you think about that and in steps 2 and 3 I'm obscured from God which means I'm powerless which means I have plugged into myself I'm the case of self will any other self will run riot? anybody else? self will runs riot? I can't plug into God because I'm agnostic and I'm obscure I take stabs at it like religion because I think that's it anybody else plug into religion? only they haven't failed them I've been dunked, sprinkled, dunked and dang near Drowned in every religion there is The Pentecostals even had a dunk tank Right on the platform They wanted to get you while you were still cooking This one Pentecostal preacher Had me by the nape of my neck Because my wife told him I was coming And I swear He held me underwater I thought he was trying to drown me He wasn't trying to save me He probably wanted my wife That's what I was thinking By the time I came up I think just out of survival I said I believe now my wife and I were walking back to the car happy because she said she saw something happen to me and maybe it did you know Bill Wilson had a white light experience and then it went bad right after that you know a lot of people talk about that white light experience and then tell other people to pray and have a white light experience you're fine but they don't tell the truth about the situation Bill W had a white light experience just like he did with a drink anybody else have a white light experiencing a drink a bunch of them her name was Mary Bill W had a white light experienced at Towns Hospital and the minute he left that hospital unbeknownst to him it began to go like this and that experience left him and some of the AA sharpshooters started saying Bill's cheating on his wife Bill's not working a program the same crap you hear about other people today they were saying about Bill back then Bill was the most gossiped about person in the A.A Bill didn't know that the effect produced by that spiritual experience was dissipating just like the effect reduced by alcohol and so he's busy trying to recreate that spiritual appearance they even tried LSD didn't they in a laboratory experiment they tried vitamin B therapy trying to recreate that spiritual experience it wasn't until Father Ed Dowling got a hold of him and said you know Bill you can't create that you can only maintain and thanks to Father Ed dowling working with Bill W he found out that that is an illusion too and you know I've been waiting for my spiritual experience my white light experience my burning bush anybody else waiting for a burning bush moment now I want to tell you I had one through my daughter I'm going to tell you this story real briefly a few years ago maybe he's been 10 now my daughter was on the back of a motorcycle they was out running her motorcycle down the one ways my daughter was in the military she did it real well riding on the backside of a motorbike in Iowa they don't have a motorcycle law and she's riding on the back and a 16-year-old girl who just got her driver's license cut right in front of them that's in a van and they T-boned it and the rider of the bike the driver he slid with the bike my daughter was catapulted off the back of the motorcycle no helmet landed on the curb bounced a few times and hit her head smack on the curve and killed her she was pronounced dead at the scene I was in Cade Creek, Arizona getting ready to give an AA talk when they got word to me that I better get home. Well, here's what happened. They put her in a body bag. Now you know what that means, don't you? Put her in the body bag put her on the back of the coach to take her to the morgue. The way I read the report in the newspaper was the ambulance attendants that was riding to take er to the coroner's office to the morgue said the light in the back of the ambulance came on. He felt something tapping him on the shoulder. He looked through the glass, and the body bag was moving. Now my daughter was a sign language interpreter. They both freaked out. Pulled the amylose off their side. He went back there, unzipped the body back, and my daughter would sign it. And they took her to the hospital. Now it's going to get harder to believe. they take her into ICU now I'm coming in thinking she's dead I'm having a bad day and I'm flying in unbeknownst to me, she's in intensive care I get there about midnight and they've got her on a breathing apparatus I walk into intensive care and I'll tell you about the other part that's not so happy later on when it gets to the appropriate step but the worst is here my daughter's dead and then they said no she's in intensive care I said what yeah we can't explain it we're not going to try just go back there now she's been in a coma and then I'm in the room and she dies again I mean I'm standing holding her and the breathing machine stopped and they escorted me out of the room came back and got me 10 minutes later and said she's alive again okay that's enough I'm about to have a heart attack she stayed in a comma for three weeks and she came out of that coma I've never seen a miracle like this before in my life see I'm not I used to say in AA I'm a miracle and that's such a trite ego feeding proposition it's so ego feeding for me to say I'm the miracle I'm on miracle I'm NOT the miracle AA is the miracle that moment Bill and Bob came together was the miracle it's SO ego feeding to say I'm A MIRACLE but yet I did that until my daughter and my daughter told me when she came out of her coma three weeks later she says daddy you're going to be ok I said what she said yeah I was talking to that light I said you're ok and she says God likes you I said ok she says we're all going tobe ok Now, my daughter is very disfigured. And you would never know it by the way she talks. She's alive today. And the best she can do is sit at her computer. That's all she can doing, sit at the computer and send e-mails out. She sends love e-mail outs all day. That's what she does. Her husband stood by his side. That's a miracle. They put in the newspaper, front page, Crystal Butler. Miracle. And they talked about the miracle in the news paper. now my daughter before that had triplets and now there is no way all of a sudden the city gives them a house free and donations start to come in for my daughter my daughter ain't got to worry about nothing ever again that's a miracle is that a miracle makes mine look juvenile ok so I know that's possible but how often I don't know how that happens science doesn't know either that's why we call it a miracle it is unexplainable to science, unexplainible my recovery is not unexplainble not when you understand it's not unexplain able at all but AA itself that precise moment, that's not explainable because if you look at all the events that led up to that, we're going to talk about that more tomorrow do you know in seconds and inches do you see how close it came to us not being here was so close when Bill was six months sober and nobody was staying sober. And he was close to quitting. And he's talking to his wife, Lois, who's about to be the co-founder of Al-Anon, though she didn't know it. Bill said, this isn't working. This isn't workin'. Nobody's staying sober and then Lois quipped glibly, well, Bill, you're sober butthead I added that but Bill you're sober and the next person he met was Dr. Bob how about that okay I don't know why I went down that road but I did here's what people like me and I presume some of you who are agnostically inclined who have agnostic temper and by the way there's no cure for that it's just the way we seem to be born and I'm living proof that it's still true and there's not a person in this room that could be working a more rigorous program than I am here is when under pressure fancy the real has anybody ever felt emotional pressure even when it really ain't there you just think it is under pressure my first thought or reaction is usually something like this I pretend I exaggerate I explain myself even when not asked to I defend myself, I blame I contradict I start an argument first reaction I challenge belligerently I deceive, I manipulate I try to justify myself or I will be negative, doubtful and fearful anybody identify so far? I come from the dark side I kind of like the dark I'm defensive and guarded. Anybody else? I'm non-communicative. First reaction. Anybody ever talk to you and go like this? What's wrong? Nothing. Anything going on? Nothing. And they're about ready to blow like a teapot. Nothing's wrong. I'm okay, I'm fine. Shut up. It's not you. I bite. Being afraid to speak up. That isn't the same as being non-communicative. Being afraid to speakup has bondage written all over it. In other words, somebody says something to you and you're just afraid to speaking up for yourself. We're going to show why here in a minute. Walking on eggshells. That's our reaction to life. Our first thought we back off a little bit. Passive aggressive. Defiant and rebellious. Anybody in here got a twinge of defiance and rebellion? The book says that defiance is my outstanding characteristic. Anybody else? Defiance is the key to self-reliance. Defiance has my outstanding characteristics, and rebellion dogs my every step at first. My default is self-doubt, self-centered fear, I fancy self-sufficiency, and my self-reliance fails me. Those are just my top 25. I bet you have your own. but that's my first thought even today that's when I'm under pressure now when I am not, I don't react that way so much but when I come under threat because Tina is going to talk about that here pretty quick when our instincts for security, survival and ambition come under threats we react and those are many of the ways I react when I feel the threat why is that important to Alcoholics Anonymous because some people will try to mislead you into thinking that's psychobabble except that you can find every bit of this in your 12 and 12 it's just some people don't want that NAA because it exposes them I was one of those that it exposed and I'm going to tell you it almost killed me because I like sitting in a meeting rising above everybody in my mind looking good and then judging anybody that's actually trying to do some work on themselves and then I say boy why don't you keep it simple because that's the all out assault you know what what you're doing why don'T you keep IT SIMPLE or man you're controlling or how about this you sure look judgmental in other words you can't talk you can assert that's the way I felt I don't know if anybody was doing it to me I might have made that up in my own mind but my first thought reaction to default is self doubt, fear self centered fear defiance and rebellion anybody identify with that and that hasn't changed since I've been sober 31 years And by the way, I spot that in a lot of people who pretend that doesn't exist. But once you got it, you can spot it. And I spot it in every meeting I'm in. I'm not judging, I'm just spotting. Spotting and judging are two different things. If I spot It, but then if they deny they have it because they're in a delusion, I'm going to try to change their mind. I'm actually going to give them a lot more room so they can enjoy the pathway to recovery their way. I am powerless this is powerless Wayne you guys that just came in this probably ought to seem like pig latin to you by now you missed the whole set up for this so hang in there I'm powerless I'm disconnected from the needed power to live that the book talks about and the way the book says it I'm obscured, I can't see it I'm probably agnostic which means I'm going to have to find a sufficient substitute to plug into one that's connected to this power little did I know until I read our history that the AA way of life is that sufficient power but even that's too much power for me so I'm gonna show you what happened to me almost 32 years ago but because I'm powerless because I can't get to that power because I'm filled with calamity, pomp and worship and you're about to ask me to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him, the chance is I'm not going to do that because the God I came in here with is not the God I want to stay here with let's do a quick exercise about that just for fun how many in this room have ever done an old ideas about God inventory ok let's look at this for a minute many of us came in here with ideas about God I'll start out I thought God was unforgiving I did anybody else shoot me some ideas judgmental conditional unfair does somebody say capricious Capricious Any others Terrorist Terrorist Which Never mind Can I jump in here This is not going to make me look very good To you ladies But it is what it is When 9-11 happened Well I'm just going to put it out there Me and a guy named Bob D Was speaking at a a convention in Coates Forest in Pittsburgh the weekend of 9-11 9- 11 he and I were supposed to be on flight United 93 and we both were chasing skirts that weekend so thank you women for saving our lives because he and i were supposed to be off that flight and we were both got alternate flights back chasing girls but we had been on that flight that doesn't make me a miracle just really relieved so i fly into new orleans and that's when I find out about 9-11 we land in New Orleans and I'm there a couple of days if you saw it over here just multiply that times 10 what we were going through and I was afraid to get on a plane but I had to come back and I knew I had go travel to speak so I had get on that plane so I'm coming to get back on my Southwest Airlines flight to go back to LA and Homeland Security what isn't homeland security yet but it's what's going to become homeland security comes and physically removes me and takes me into a room strips me of all my clothes handcuffs me naked now this hasn't happened to me I'm thinking this is guys this isn't going to be sexual I had no idea that it was still in my jacket that I was arrested for terrorism domestic terrorism now that was because of a domestic situation that escalated with my ex-wife and they called it domestic terrorism so they could lock me up longer it never got changed and so when that happened they called me a terrorist thought that would be a funny story to tell any others? absent what? angry Angry. Unloving. Selected. Damning. How about conditional? Because that's what I thought. Any others? Insufficient. Unheed. Punishing. Do we have punishing? Oh, good then. What? Unavailable. unavailable who said raffle why not with me then cruel you're on a roll I like this guy anybody else perfectionist that's a first And so good. Okay, let's stop there. How many of us have dated somebody like that? Come on. Tell the truth. How many have worked for somebody like this? How many had parents like this ? How many has school teachers like this . . . A lot of people when they are doing an inventory by God they put up all these wonderful feel good ideas about God but in fact they lived their lives like this how many of us, don't raise your hand on this unless you want to how many OF US in this room actually lived our lives like THIS I'm going to submit to you a guy named Norm Alpe in my opinion the greatest carrier of the AA message in the US ever and I heard all the great ones Norm Alope he said something that I still use today here's how it goes because, you know, his sponsees kept trying to explain themselves to him. And one day he'd come up like this, What do you do? Speak so loud. I can't hear a word you're saying. I thought, boy, that struck a chord. Because the easiest thing to do is talk. I mean, we even have in our Constitution, you say whatever you want. You just got to be prepared to pay the price for what you say. You say whatever your want. How many of us are so easy to talk and when we're afraid we start talking or we clam up and don't talk at all one extreme or the other how many of us live our lives just like that only we try to hide that behind a good motive yeah but I'm a good guy yeah but I mean well well I didn't mean for that to happen how many of you have ever heard somebody be sarcastic with you and then they say well I don't know why I didn' t mean that or they hurt your feelings and say well I did' n't mean you to take that personal as though that softens the blow light up already I have to tell you this is just a miniature list of what I was like and that means that that is what I believe God is or I wouldn't be doing that and that's a perception that helped me change my view of myself I thought you know what if that is my expression of God I might want to change what I'm doing is that a new idea that people can live with but I need a sufficient power because I'm going to turn my will which is my collection of thoughts, feelings, emotions attitudes and actions and my life which is the actions I take and fail to take in relation to all my ideas well that's more than some old simple one hour check up isn't it I'm gonna make a decision to turn all of that over to God as I understand him I got news for you there is no way in Hades I'm going to turn my will and my life to this. I'm not going to do it. And so you're going to have to give me a better idea or God, or I'm, I'm gonna tell you I did. You're gonna say, did you turn it over? Yep. Got it. Turned it over. Same on the other side, but I turned it over how many people do step three and then don't do step four through nine. I'm Going to go right back to what I said yesterday. And I said this morning, those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely get themselves to this simple program. Do I think you're doing anything wrong? No. I'm not about right and wrong. But insufficient? Yes, it can be insufficient. Because we have to find a power. I believe the book says this, correct me if I'm wrong. We have to found a power sufficient to overcome what? What? Sufficient to overcome drinking. To overcome drinking, that's what I think. I could be wrong but I think that's what it says I need a sufficient substitute and then a vision for you, you want to find that a vision für you which is chapter 11 it's after our program of action ends at page 103 answers a lot of our questions it sums up what we just went through and it's a really good summation but it tells us what the sufficient substitute is for this I have to have a sufficient substrate for this see if this is all I know If this is the God of my understanding, here's what's going to happen. First, I'm running on fancy self-sufficiency and filled self-reliance. And then I plug in to Budweiser. And it makes me so good looking I can't stand it. I take the drink. I get good looking, smart, empowered. The drink takes the drink, start to lose a little bit of that power, start coming down. Drink takes me. I've lost that power. and I'm starting to get resuscitable discontent and I am going to keep returning to the drink until it no longer works or is not satisfactory then I start plugging into other things like violence how about some others sex money drugs what power food anybody else exercise God, are you talking about me, you boo? What did you say, Kenny? Oh, cleaning. I thought he said clinging. Okay, that's enough for now. But what happens is we, in an effort to find a sufficient substitute for alcohol, many of us start plugging into other things. Some addictive, some just dependent. How about a faulty emotional dependency on people, places, and things for my feelings of self-satisfaction, approval, worthiness, safety, and protection? And is that not what's considered the normal human condition? I want to feel safe, secure, protected. I want self-esteem. I want you to think highly of me. That's what every, in our 12 and 12, it says that we all want to achieve things in life. We all do, to some extent. We want to be respected by our peers. But I don't fit in. I don' t feel like I belong. I don''t feel like a part of. And so in step two, the insanity of my life is I am now vacillating between different things and when all of these fail, which they will, I will at some point return to drinking alcohol because that is what does it for me. Now if a person is a drug addict and their thing is heroin, oh they may drink but they'll always go back to heroin won't they oh they might have sex and live by that but they will always go back and if yours is food you know a lot of people I know some people who go to OA Overeaters Anonymous and you know what bothers me about them they can drink they have the same emotional problems I have only they shove sugar down their mouth instead of booze and they get some kind of a strange effect out of food that I don't understand. I mean, I've been to an open OE-a-thon where they're talking about their problems with food and I have to tell you the truth. After about 10 minutes of that, I want a Twinkie. Three or four. And I'm going to suck the cream right out of it. Right in front of them. And I'll bet you when they come to an AA meeting, they sit there and wonder, well, why do you drink so much? You just puked your guts out. you're drinking more? Are you crazy? Don't you think? Because the mind cannot conceive and believe what it hasn't achieved in repeat form. So unless I have a problem with food, I can identify I cannot identify with your problem with food. It's like a non-smoker can never understand the plight of a smoker ever. Does that make sense? Even people with emotional problems there's a program I helped start it as a matter of fact that's not meant for brag, it's just the truth years ago we called it Neurotics Anonymous but N.A. sued over the N.E.A name and won we changed it to E.A Emotions Anonymous now, I can do this same workshop over there, the difference is they can drink they can leave be all emotional and go have and it doesn't do a thing except what it's supposed to do but you watch your emotions escalate and because they're powerless just like we are they go on an emotional rampage but they can have a drink or two or three damn it I can't so they have the same problem that we have only they go to They go to different solutions looking for the same effect produced that I do. Only this one, alcohol, is a spiritual solution. I mean it's spirits. It works. So you're going to ask me to turn my will and my life over to the care of God because I understand Him. This, by the way, is supposed to look like a Rubik's Cube. Do you know that the Rubik'S Cube has 27 sides? In case you didn't know this, if you rip off all the colors, the mathematical factoring process has a potential combination of 34 quintillion that's a lot of zeros ideas of combinations you know I bet you I've got a million ideas in my head from my life I'm 59 years old and you know what happens when I get agitated or anxious the cube starts to click and spin and they call that ADD in other words they say he can't focus because his mind is racing and so they gave me a pill to slow my mind down the trouble is the pill they gave Me sped Me up instead of slowed Me down and My thinking went so fast it locked and I had no Ritalin that's what they gaveMe, I was trying to think of the name they gave Мне ritalin as a kid it's a form of speed but it's supposed to affect blah blah blah and then they come out with ADHD attention deficit hyperactive disorder that means my mind is racing and I'm running around the room chasing it chasing my mind so I've got a boat load of ideas and old ideas and thank god they don't have to be alleviated all right now or I wouldn't have a chance of making it so like what we're going to talk about tomorrow is how Bill Wilson was allowed the time he needed to allow these old ideas to begin to fall away through inventory because we know they can't be removed at once there's just no way if I thought I had to get rid of this like that I'd probably snap and go crazy because I know it's impossible and so do you so we have to have a little incremental program that is satisfactory to alleviate my obsessive need for alcohol to stop the machine from running so my old ideas are based on how my mind remember problem centers in the mind problem centers in the mine those who do not know the history of AA will say that their thinking is their problem they are 100% wrong 100% it isn't my thinking that's my problem it's my soul sickness that determines how I think, feel, and see. And so problem centers in the mind. Spirits affect the mind I have now found a temporary answer and now I'm collecting ideas that are based in my delusional thinking So how's my thinking working? And now you're going to ask me to turn all this over to this God Not going to do it And so you're gonna have to sell me on a new idea about God you can try the doorknob theory but that won't work with me not enough depth and weight I need something that's got depth and wait that I can at least entertain that there's a possibility that there is enough power in there to alter my mind not just so I don't drink but so I can have peace so I could go a day you know what I want now I want peace of mind that's it everything else is gravy when I got sober I wanted her the car the money and by the way in my career you can't get much more power than being a police officer I became a cop carried that gun carried that badge had an e-ticket go wherever I wanted to had her had the whole deal had the home group had the big name sponsor had everything. I had a sponsor that if you heard his name, you automatically admitted me no matter what you thought of me. I had all that. Built it up. You see, what I did was I unplugged from this and unbeknownst to me, which is the thing we're going to talk about now, I didn't know I was going to talk about it until just now. unbeknownst to me I have no idea that now I'm living in a cycle it goes like this it's almost like being recycled but I keep running into myself how many of you heard of the Stockholm Syndrome let me give you a brief because you'll understand why so many of us don't recover I mean, the stats aren't good, are they, for alcoholics? I mean especially sober, the stat's aren't good. I mean true I still believe in this statistic here I still believed I believe this with all my heart 50% of the people who come to AA and really try recover at once I still think that's the truth today the problem is how many really try and I believe the reason that most of us don't really try is for what I said earlier. If we really don't believe down here, we have to. Because we are so obscured with this one thing that was taking me to the cleaners and I didn't know. And you know what? Those who know not, cannot. Those who believe not, will not. What? Surrender myself completely to this simple way of life, this simple program. Okay, so the Stockholm Syndrome is circa 1971. Now remember we read that at the beginning of that article with Bill Wilson in 1958 where he wrote about false emotional dependencies. He was starting to elaborate on that when he passed away. I found it. This is going to sound self-serving. I don't mean it to. I'm not an expert but I took that and ran with it And I discovered something in me that is related to lots and lots and lots of alcoholics of my type. Bill Wilson says 50%. Here's what is interesting. Stockholm Syndrome. How many of you remember the story of Patty Hearst in the U.S.? It made worldwide news. Patty Hearest, the daughter of Hearst printing and publishing the newspaper in San Francisco, Los Angeles. She was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army. It's one of those great movements we had back in those days. They now call them terrorists. Patty Hearst was kidnapped. All they searched for, they demanded money for. And in the meantime, what happened was, what happens in the Stockholm Syndrome is the captive begins out of survival to sympathize with their captor. And before long, before long they find all the good qualities of their captor overlooking the fact they've been taken hostage out of fear of retribution so what happens is their survival instinct kicks in and they move towards their captor and away from those from whom they were taken what happened to Patty Hearst was that she joined the Symbionese Liberation Army and when her parents came to rescue her, they first hired some private people to rescue her. She fought them herself. When the police came to get her, she fired weapons at the police trying to rescue here and she helped them rob banks and then she shot someone she got put in prison. She got pardoned by the way she got a presidential pardon when they finally was able to understand what happened to her they called it the Stockholm Syndrome Here's something very interesting if you get 10 people by the way, you can look this up online isaccor slash stockholm dot org I researched it when I got onto this, I researched and it's very interesting the Stockholm Syndrome doesn't compare to what we have sober it's not even close but it's similar if 10 people to take in hostage only one will develop symptoms of the Stockholm Syndrome only one now that baffled me, doesn't it baffle you? I would think they would all get it now you might be wondering right now what's this got to do with alcoholism I'm going to button it up in just a second we are not going outside AA I promise 1 out of 10 gets the Stockholm Syndrome symptoms 1 out OF 10 and what I found out about Patty Hurst and by the way I investigated 100 other people that in their histrionics were taken hostage or captive or kidnapped and 10 out of that 100 developed symptoms of the Stockholm Syndrome 90 did not and here's what I find they all had in common each individual person had a predisposition emotionally and that predisposition is they were agnostic Charles Manson how many of you know his story Charles Mansons got most of his followers from AA and Alateen in San Francisco squeaky prone he picked people that were emotionally unstable and vulnerable because he knew they were susceptible to that type of convention. Isn't that something? Isn't it scary? By the way, he goes to AA in prison. And Jimmy Jones. I don't know why I studied these people. I found them fascinating. Here's why it's relevant. It's relevant because they have this emotional predisposition with a susceptibility to forming a dependency on alcohol, drugs and stronger personalities that sound like anybody in this room now hang with me for a minute I told you I was going to make this alcoholism right before your very eyes alcohol king alcohol how many in this room became dependent on king alcohol how many people did alcohol dictate your life how many of us had a hard time stopping drinking and how many of us honestly wanted to stop as opposed to had to stop no I had to start I didn't want to, I had too I drank and I had a faulty emotional dependency on alcohol it dictated my life and when people tried to rescue me anybody ever try to tell you to stop drinking what did you say to them thank you that was brief but to the point how many times did you think you had to stop drinking how many time have I sympathized with other drinkers how many people do we see I mean I see people sympathizing with people in AA and not holding them accountable because I sympathize with my captor I find the good qualities of my captor and I overlook it's bad do you think this doesn't run head and head with the Stockholm Syndrome because it means here let me read this to you what are you going to read I'm not sure what you're looking for I'm looking for the Stockholm syndrome or not that ok so I took it a step further because I knew I suffered from this and I took the symptoms of false emotional dependency and compared them to that because I knew there was something impossible about me to pull myself out which by the way made it very clear why I had to do a thorough third step I had no idea what I was doing you want to hear this? are you interested in This is what's called the Faulty Emotional Dependency Syndrome. It's a syndrome, a habitual placing of my dependency on a person, place or thing. Even that dependency when it looks like I'm trying to control you, it's in fact a dependency. Think about that. If I'm tying to control your life, if I'm controlling you, I have a faulty dependency on you letting me control you so I can feel good about myself or feel safe and secure. Does that make sense? By the way, this is all in the 12 and 12. Not making it up. I wish I was, this is sick. Okay. Here's Bill Wilson's definition of faulty emotional dependency. This, by the way, is the number one reason many of us never find satisfaction in life and many of Us return to drink after 15-20 years. Because we go from faulty dependency to faulty dependence to failty dependency and we never outgrow our seeming need to have somebody taking care of us or letting us take care of them we look like rescuers and caregivers even when not being asked faulty emotional dependency, a dependency that we place on a person, place or thing to secure our feelings of self-satisfaction approval, worthiness, safety and protection a dependency that results in a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding us. Let me repeat that. A dependency that results in a demand. Got any control freaks in the room? Come on, fess up. It'll be a thrill to raise your hand. Anyone ever try to control people that are willing participants? Okay. Here's a definition from Webster's Dictionary of Syndrome. A group of signs and symptoms that occur together and characterize a particular abnormality or condition. A set of concurrent things as emotions or actions That usually form an identifiable pattern Now here's Webster's Or I mean Oxford Dictionary A group of symptoms which consistently occur together A characteristic combination of opinions, emotions, or behavior Do we ever see a characteristic combination Of opinions, emotion, and behavior around here? That's just the definition of syndrome Now, here's how it works And then you can decide for yourself if it looks familiar and it's a good reason why many of us can't find peace of mind sober and if we don't know this you can throw all the step work you want at it, you can show all of the discipline you can help a thousand people and it is not going to change this if you don't now the formula if it affects you here is how it works when the ism factor predisposition internal spiritual maladjustment my default is self doubt Self centered fear Failed self reliance And fancied self sufficiency How many of us identify with those symptoms of theism Of the internal spiritual maladjustment Okay That's the predisposition Agnosticism Do we have any agnostics in the room Not those who doubt God Those who doubt themselves And everything in their life Just constantly doubt Negative First thought negative First thought argue first thought debate has anybody just started a conversation with you and you argue with them just because you want to argue argumentative what's that other one disagreeable have you ever changed your opinion within two days just to be right with two different people ok the is in fact your predisposition is present in my being and the following conditions coexist and work together Follow along. A consistent or ongoing threat to my physical and psychological emotional well-being. Anybody ever had that when drinking? What about in a relationship? How about at a job? It's an ongoing threat. Somebody's bullying me. A condition or feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. Anybody? Condition of feeling helpless. Have you ever felt that way sober? Helpless and hopeless. Of being inextricably struck, stuck in circumstance. You ever felt like you're sober, inextricably stuck in a circumstance you just know there's no way out? How about a depression so great you know there'S NO WAY OUT? A condition of being isolated and abandoned by support systems from the outside world. You ever feel isolated from the OUTSIDE WORLD? Like you don't fit in? I mean fancied or real where I don't feel like I belong out there or I fit out there. a context of trauma or terror that shatters my previously held assumptions let me tell you about one context of trauma or horror that alters or shatters My previous held assumptions I used to belong to a major group My sponsor was one of the biggest big shots you can find in all of AA I would say his name and people would tremble they would never challenge me with him being my sponsor I would assumed I was safe and protected I got to speak around the world because he waved his hand that's the truth and then one day I changed sponsors for reasons I'm not going to go into here and I was told if I change sponsors my home group is about a thousand people then I was said I was also told if I changed sponsor they would not talk to me again and I'd be on my own I said that's a lot of bollocks as you guys say or whatever you say over here actually I said it's a load of crap But the following Wednesday, 800 people turned their back on me and wouldn't talk to me. And to this very day, eight years later, they still gossip and character assassinate. And that shattered my assumption, not only about that, but about AA and about myself. Do you know what I did? I had a faulty dependency, didn't I, on them. Sounds like I'm blaming them. I'm not. I had a faulty dependency on him and his group to supply me with prestige sufficient to overcome my self doubt and I didn't even know I was in it until I read these symptoms and I thought oh my God and I got to tell you the truth I didn' t know if I could live through it I didn''t know ifIcould I pulled the plug on that relationship and I was scheduled to speak at 25 conventions the remaining part of that year and I got canceled from 18 of them. He called people and said, don't invite him or I won't come to yours. I didn't know what to do with that. That's how deep something like that goes in me. Now I don't know where their problem is. That's none of my business. I'm not trying to gossip. That is the facts. And to this very day, that's still the same. There's a difference in me. I want to get to that in a little bit in step three. A context of trauma or terror that interferes with my natural human development regarding self-satisfaction, approval, willingness, safety, and protection. How many of us have had traumatic experiences that determine how we see ourselves? How we feel about ourselves? Before sobriety, at home, as a kid. Anybody else have childhood trauma like I did? How about an adult trauma? many of us when drinking did you hurt somebody did you irreversibly damage somebody that's a context of trauma I drink over that stuff do you look there's got to be an answer for that or I'm going to drink again someday a perception that my survival depends on my total surrender and compliance to a specific person but when I read that uh oh group group ideology methodology or facilitate you know AA doesn't ask us to plug in to any one person does it but because I have a deep need for approval anybody else I have an deep need for approval when I'm drinking I have no need thank you I'm fine but when I don't have booze in me I have deep need for approval acceptance feelings of worthiness self satisfaction I need approval of and on my own Anybody identify with that? By the way, that's sober. You don't hear too many people going to the podium in AA and saying that because it's almost too shameful to say in my mind. And because of that, I spent many years in AA plugging into people hoping that they would supply me with prestige. See, that is not on them. That is on me for plugging in. because of that I will be motivated to seek to survive physically, psychologically and emotionally, I will try to avoid pain fear and the risk of injury how many of you walk on eggshells around him or her or them I will try to find hope in meeting significant security, I'll try to find acceptance in relationship and because of this because of it, here's how I will act I will plug into a stronger personality or an alternative faulty power source money, food power, property, prestige I'll try to plug into that and hang on for dear life I will develop an emotional bond to or with a stronger personality an abusive person or an unsafe environment. Anybody identify with that? Where you make friends with people that are hurting you under the guise of unconditional love You ever see a boxer in the ring? How many of you have watched boxing? In a boxing match, when one of the boxers is getting tired, you can always tell. Because what do they do? They start to try to grasp the other fighter. Why are they doing that? So they can't hit them. It's human nature. When you're a victim of either... What happens when alcohol starts to hurt us? Don't we get more? I mean as silly as this sounds, this is as accurate as it gets. I grasp for more. And when somebody fancies a real injuring me or they let me on them get closer. I didn't know I was doing that. I didnít even know this had to do with step two and three, did you? Had no idea. I would depend on a... Okay, I will befriend, care for, or sympathize with the stronger personality or abusive person and I will stay involved no matter what. I wonít even stay involved with alcohol no matter what how many of us went to jail got divorced got caught committing adultery went bankrupt, stole got arrested and we went back and did the same thing again I will resent my family, friends and authority for trying to rescue me anybody sometimes even after I ask for their help I have actually called a treatment center did an interview went and left the same day now here's a big one for me have a good day that's what happens when you come late you don't connect I sat here in Washington for the last 45 minutes completely judgmental because they walked in on the part where it was very difficult. And they never got, that's what happens out there in meetings. If you share stuff like this, but they won't just leave. They're going to tell you to shut up. That's what happened. I'm not judging. I'm just saying that that was a perfect example of what happens to people like me and you when we get in the middle before we got any, well, just turn it over. Or, what is this crap? And the whisper, don't listen to this. And then the exit. That's exactly what happens. Do you understand? How powerful is this? This is not easy to look at. But it's forgiving. Let me finish. Will my pastor break? No. Okay. I will lose my own identity in order to identify with a stronger person and get their approval. how many of us gave our identity up for alcohol how many of us crossed moral boundaries we said we'd never what, how manyofus gave up everything we cared about just for a drink and when dad didn't help how manyfus gave up every moral boundary to have him or her value us more than we do we do that sober too an abusive person or to fit in in an unsafe environment see things from the perspective of a stronger personality because we don't believe what we see ourselves so we want confirmation from someone stronger than us and usually it's a bully that's what I do relinquish my own perceptions in order to adopt others and value every little gesture of kindness that they ever give me and think I owe them something in return I wait for validation by the way I refuse freedom from dependency even when given the opportunity I came to AA and drank for 5 years how many people come in here and we tell what our problem is some will offer us a solution and we say no thanks I got it reject the opportunity I had no idea I was in a syndrome I had nothing to do with it I had not an idea make excuses listen to this one does anybody make excuses for alcohol? or their behavior make excuses for rationalize or defend abusive person or behavior how many of us have rationalized our own abusive behavior not only abusive towards ourselves but towards others mistake symptoms of dependency as having the love loyalty and respect of or for a stronger personality an abusive person or an unsafe group now when all that's working without help I will vacillate between a dominant strong personality abusive person and a victim and I will be all three things myself when in this combination I will function on the influence of see if this sounds familiar 100 forms of fear 100 forms of self delusion 100 forms of self seeking and 100 forms of self pity as such I will vaccillate between a cycle of intense agitated emotion anxiety and spiraling depression does that sound familiar? this cycle is most often expressed in everyday life as follows I am or was having trouble with personal relationships I am nor was unable to control my emotional nature I amor was preyed to misery and depression I amnor was unable to make a living or adjust to meet life on life's terms I was or am feeling useless, purposeless directionless anybody identify with this stuff? By the way, in case you don't know that, this is off page 52. Yeah. I am was full of fear. I am or was unhappy. I am nor was unable to be of real help to other people. Now here's the closing nuance. We'll take a break on this one. This cycle, all of which will manifest in many if not all, are the following behavior nuances. See if you relate to these. People pleasing. approval seeking being defensive and guarded having racing thoughts by the way I collected this data off of the Stockholm Syndrome website, R12 and 12 and the Isacorp website and every bit of it is in R12 and 12, every bit of this racing thoughts, over explaining over sharing got any over shares where you answer questions that haven't been asked obsessive Compulsive, indecisive, lying, half-truthing. Perfectionism. Rigid, all or nothing thinking or attitudes. Procrastination. Vulgar and profane. Manipulative, living in the dark and negative side of our natures. Contrary. Oppositional, disagreeable, chronic complainer, doubting Thomas. So sorry. So very sensitive. Any other sensitive people? Being critical. Any other critics? Judgmental. Nitpicker. Nitpickers. Micromanagers. Sarcastic. Grandiose. Domineering. Tit-for-tat behavior. Harboring grudges. Withholding warranted thoughts, feelings, emotions, and affection. any with holders in here where you want to say I love you to somebody but you don't because you don' want to give them that kind of power maybe you're mad at them seeking validation overprotective, rescuer, guardian complex, unmanageable emotions, frothy emotional appeal, argumentative controlling, spiritually intoxicated spiritually making believe, overreactive ruminating, stubborn too open exhibiting bluster and big shotism embellishing and exaggerating the known truth that is the cycle of a syndrome of faulty emotional dependency and we wonder why we can't get on with step four happy day does anybody identify with that? I mean, the good news is we have an answer for that by the way, some people would tell you that's psychobabble, it's not right out of our literature all I did was take those three components put them together because they are AA approved because it's from our literature but I had no idea that it was impacting me does that make anybody tired I mean that's a lot to absorb but the good news is we have an answer for that I have an answered for that because I'm recovered from that syndrome I have living experience with pulling the plug and by the way when I first started thinking about faulty emotional dependencies I began to think everything in my life was a faulty dependency That's not true. That's why we don't want to do this by ourself. We want to doing this with someone who is outside, objective, who will tell us the truth but won't agree with everything. Because there are a lot of things in my life that aren't faultfully dependent. I was meant to be dependent on God's kids. But not to a fault. Not to where I had to depend on you. Because here's what happens. When I'm dependent on you to make me feel okay, I cannot do anything that you might disapprove of and I have just lost my personality I am not free, am I? I'm in the bondage to faulty emotional dependencies so, to make a long story shorter than it was I plugged into a system faulty emotion dependencies and I lived in a syndrome much of my life it started out in little schools all the way through Navy all the way on the street into AA and beyond where I was plugging into people, placing things, and I didn't know it. And I was on the verge of blowing my brains out sober and had no idea that there was an answer for this. So now we're going to take a break. We're goingto come back. Tina's going to takes us expeditiously for the next session through steps 4 and 9. We're not going to read to you because we figure you can read your own big book and get the directions because we don't need to comment a lot on direction. But what we're going to do is she's going to show you the fear, resentment, and sex inventory and a step eight outline that we picked up from Father Ed Dowling on some extra components that Bill was allowed to use to spot and check where he was faultfully dependent. It's not magical. It's just really good. Let's take a ten minute break. Thank you.