Family of Origin — My Trust Issues Were Sealed Before I Turned Five – Pat R.
About This Speaker Tape
Pat R., a recovered alcoholic with 31 years of sobriety, shares from a Step 10 series at the 12 Step House, though he spends most of the talk on Steps 8 and 9 and the long road of repairing defective relationships. He opens with a passage from the Twelve and Twelve on how faulty relationships with other human beings have been the immediate cause of most of our troubles, and frames his entire recovery as a journey of repairing three core relationships: with Higher Power, with himself, and with others. He traces his trust and abandonment issues back to a childhood he can barely remember — being bounced between relatives, wetting the bed at his uncle's cockroach-infested house, and staring out the window night after night waiting for a father who never came.
The heart of the talk is a series of vivid amends stories. He describes the pain of writing an $8,000 check to the IRS when his old-timer Bud threw a cigarette pack at him and said "what's the problem then?" He tells the raw story of accidentally dumping his Fifth Step at a meeting while his ex-wife snuck into the back of the room — she slammed the door, but the truth being out began the healing, and they eventually remarried at two years sober. He shares the gut-wrenching moment his mother came out of a coma and her first words were "why can't you get along with your sister?" — revealing that what she wanted most was simply for her children to be at peace with each other.
Pat describes hitting a spiritual wall at 15 years sober when his second marriage ended and he wanted to become a hermit in Cook's Forest. His friend Billy Galvin called out of nowhere because Pat was "on his heart," dragged him to hear Russell speak, and Russell opened the meeting saying he was there for the guy 15 or 20 years sober who was dying inside. Peter Marinelli then challenged him to go back to the church of his childhood and "leave for a good reason this time." Pat returned to church for the first time since age 13 and had a spiritual experience that put a name to his Higher Power.
He closes by reframing the Promises through alcohol — at 16, when he picked up his first drink, he knew a new freedom and happiness, fear left him, he intuitively knew how to handle situations. Alcohol was never the problem; it was his solution to the spiritual malady. The nine steps gave him back everything alcohol once provided, without the destruction. He urges newcomers that all it takes to start is the willingness to believe it might work.
Topics
Timestamps
Full Transcript
Recovered alcoholic, my name is Pat Rogan.
Thanks to the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous outlined in our big book of Alcoholics Anonymous,
which is the program of AA, I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
I can never...
Thanks to the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous outlined in our big book of Alcoholics Anonymous,
which is the program of AA, I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
I can never...
Recovered alcoholic, my name is Pat Rogan.
Thanks to the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous outlined in our big book of Alcoholics Anonymous,
which is the program of AA, I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
I can never express to you how grateful I am.
AA didn't just save my life, but it gave me a new life.
And I absolutely love my new life.
I don't love all the moments in it, but just far better than the life I had before I got here.
This is just incredible.
And I love this place.
This is a great meeting.
Getting down near the end soon of this series.
We've been talking, I'm going to read something on the 12 and 12.
I don't usually go to the 12 and 12 too much.
But great essays that Bill wrote.
You know, the directions to the steps are in the big book.
But Bill.
He expands 13 years later, writes essays on the steps.
And there's just so much, just has such a much broader outlook and information on the steps.
But this is one of my favorite lines out of the eighth step it comes out of.
And it says, since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes,
including our alcoholism, no field of investigation can hear more satisfying
and valuable information than alcoholism.
It says, since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes,
including our alcoholism, no field of investigation can hear more satisfying
and valuable information than alcoholism.
And this one calm, thoughtful reflection upon personal relations can deepen our insight.
We can go far beyond those things which were superficially wrong with us to see those flaws,
which were basic flaws, which sometimes were responsible for our whole pattern of our lives.
Thoroughness.
We have found will pay and pay handsomely.
And to me, this whole journey has been about relationships, faulty relationships, if you will, you know, and repair, but you know,
and repair is the most important thing and repair is the most important thing.
And repair is the most important thing I think about relationships.
And repair is the most important thing.
And repair is the most important thing.
And repair is the most important thing.
repairing these faulty relationships by what the first relationship being that with god you know
developing a not so much at the beginning understanding of god but uh a relationship
with god of some sort you know at least a uh to get to know that god was my solution
and the second is to to know me to get to know me to get a relationship with me to know the
truth about myself know the truth about god know the truth about me so that i can go out and repair
my relationships with you in in steps eight and nine and uh i know i'm supposed to be on
step 10 tonight but i don't know we'll get there but uh because you know we've been talking a lot
about uh reparation we've been talking a lot about getting right into physical dimension
getting right into our physical dimension and and and and and and and and and and and and and
right with the people around us. And I don't know where these defective relationships came from
for me. I don't know if I'm even capable of knowing where those defective relationships
were created. Defective relationship with God, with myself, and with you. I mean, I was that guy
that suffered from false pride. I was just a piece of shit when I walked into the room. I was never
that, the false pride where I'm better than you. I was never better than you. I was always less than
you. I always felt less than. And part of that was I was shorter than everybody else. I was
skimmier than everyone else. I started school at five. Everybody else started at six. I don't
think they even do that anymore. But if mommy didn't have daycare, you went to school no matter
what your age was back then. And I don't know. I've read stuff on it. There's plenty of books
on where that comes from. And when I'm
I've learned is that where that came from isn't even accessible for me. It's a part of my history
that I can't even access. It probably, they say before five. And I can't, I don't know about you,
but I can't remember anything before five. The first thing I really remember, the first memories
I remember are my memories of skipping school at five. That's really the first thing. If I go back
to my childhood and my sponsor, maybe I'll talk more about this next week, but my sponsor had me
do a timeline.
In 15 years sober. And that timeline, he said, take five-year increments of your life and write
down significant events, good and bad. Bad memories, good memories in those five-year
increments. It's a really cool exercise. Very revealing, by the way. But I couldn't remember
anything before five. I couldn't remember anything before five. And what I started to remember at
between five and 10 was fear. A lot of fear.
And being bounced around from house to house, you know, living with my aunt, my uncle Jack and my aunt,
living with my grandmother, living with my uncle Frank and my aunt Carol, you know, just being
bounced around. And what really was revealed is where my fear of cockroaches came from.
Which is a terrible fear. Not those big Buick-looking things, but those little,
I guess, are they German cockroaches? That's a terrible thing to label them like that.
Nothing against the Germans. But those bastards, you know, like, I can remember as a child living
at my uncle Jack's house, who was a slob. And waking up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom and cockroaches being all over the walls, you know. And I couldn't get out of bed
to go to the bathroom and I would just wet the bed, you know. And then I would get berated the
next morning for, you know, made fun of the next morning. And I would get berated the next morning.
for that. And so ever since then, I mean, my wife tells me there's a cockroach in the house. I say,
no, there's not. No, no, I saw one. No, you didn't. Call the bug man. I'm just like in denial
about cockroaches. But it revealed a lot of stuff. It revealed, you know, possibly where some of my
trust issues come from. You know, I was sharing with somebody earlier about night after night
staring out the window, waiting for my father to come and pick us up, but never,
ever showing up, you know. And what I've read from psychiatric professionals is that our trust
issues, our abandonment issues are developed before we can even remember. They may even be
developed in the womb. Most of them are developed in our first few years of life. Definitely in my
case, before I was five, you know. So I can't even remember. I can't even remember. I can't even
even access those memories. I'm incapable of accessing those memories. And I'm incapable of
knowing why every relationship that I had was defective. Either trust issues and abandonment
issues, basically, you know. And if the sad part is, you know, what the punishment of the cheater
is, they can't trust anybody. You know what the punishment of the thief is? They can't believe it.
They know that everybody's dropped to get their money. You know what the punishment of the liar
is? They can't believe anybody, you know.
And that's who I became, you know. Just manipulate, you know, trap you, you know, into my life.
You know, my relationships with women were not relationships. They were hostages, you know.
They were, I would try to get you in a position where you couldn't leave, you know. But I knew
you were going to run. So I would do, I would have a backup plan, you know. But I don't know
where all that comes from. But the two amends that we talked about last week,
the financial amends and the criminal amends, are the easy ones. Really, I mean, I think that when
you have to pay the money. You know what the hard ones are financially? I learned this from Martha
Rice. You know what the hard ones are financially? When you have the money, right? When you don't have
the money, you can't pay them anyway. That's easy, you know. I'll create a payment plan
somewhere down the road, right? But when you have the money, it's hard to write the check,
you know. It's hard to get. I'll never forget, I was, I shared with you guys my,
where I didn't have to call the IRS, they called me. And, and I got to make restitution with the
IRS. And they only went back a year, and then they, and they let the rest of it go. So the next year,
I want to be legal. I want to file an income tax that I, that I recall, you know, that I actually
know what I'm signing. And I don't know anything at this point, because I have no history. Now,
I'm 37 years old at this point, 38 years old. I have no history of filing taxes. So,
I don't know about S-Corps, and LLCs, and quarterlies, and, you know, all that kind of
crap, you know. So, I'm just this contractor out there making money, and figure I'll just take
care of it at the end of the year, you know. Well, I go to the end of the year, my accountant hands
me my taxes, and says I owe $8,000, right? Now, how can that be? Well, that's, you know, you're
supposed to pay quarterly, or, you know, monthly, and set up an LLC, or an S-Corp, so that you don't
have to pay twice the workman's comp, and just a bunch of that kind of simple stuff.
And, and I have, I owe like $7,800. I have $8,000 stashed, right? And I'm sharing, I'm complaining
in a meeting, in the Boca Boys Club, you know, these, these tough love mentors of mine. And I'm
sharing that I can't believe that I was able to save $8,000 this year, and the IRS wants $7,800
of it. And Bud Reichardt, God rest his soul, takes a pack of cigarettes, at that time we were smoking
cigarettes, and throws them at the table, and says, well, what the hell is the problem then? Write the check, you know, there was no problem in his eyes, because I had the money. In my eyes, I don't want to part with that shit, you know, I've been saving that, but I wrote it. It was hard. And his advice was, do it now, because the longer you wait, the harder it's going to be. But those are the easy ones, right? The criminal ones, those are the easy ones, because I benefit from it, right?
I mean, if you have to do time or something, it's not an easy one, but it's something I'm going to have to do one way or another. But the relationships with family members and siblings, that's where it gets difficult. That's where it gets difficult, with the ex-wife or with the current wife, you know, that's where it gets difficult. How do I get honest in a situation that might cause me to lose the relationship, you know? And that's, that's tough stuff right there, you know?
I struggled with it. My, you know, my ex-wife, at about, I guess I was about four months sober, finally lifted the restraining order. And we started talking. And I'm thinking, I cannot go and, and Bill talks about it, you know, if we've been wild, you know, if we've cheated, should we go to our wife?
And I've been telling her that we've been cheating, that we have been unfaithful. And thank God Bill wrote it, not Lois, because it says, not always, you know, and that, and that's, is this going to do more harm than good? Now, here's the flip side of that question. Am I going to be able to stay sober living that life? Right? Or am I going to risk blowing up the relationship by admitting that I've been unfaithful? That's, that's a tough call right there, you know, and that's where some strong sponsorship comes in.
Yeah.
Well, my sponsor had to answer to that. You know, that's just a, that's just a tough one. You know, and, and I struggled with it. And, and I was asked in the spur of the moment, I was, I don't know if I've ever, I ever spoke at a meeting. I was, like I said, I was not even a year sober. And, and the bottom line group, we had this guest speaker coming and the guest speaker didn't show up. And they said, Pat, you're speaking tonight.
Yeah.
And, and I go to speak. And now I have never spoke anywhere before.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it was, it's not true.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
when you're under a year sober you don't have a lot of hope you know you have a lot of what it
was like you know you don't have a lot of what it's like now you know so it was a what it was
like story you know and in the meantime my she was my ex-wife who had just dropped the restraining
order had snuck into the back of the room to see what this triple a was all about you know
and uh and i basically dumped the fifth step on the on the group and and it was all out there
the you know the girlfriends and this and that it was just you know and then i my buddy my buddy
jeff is sitting where pierre's sitting and he's going and he's pointing to the back and i'm going
i got this you know and i just kept going man and uh and she slammed that door and i guarantee you
she
she
could have put that restraining order back on it would have gone back on
but she couldn't get it reinstated she had no cause and uh
but i'll but i'll tell you what happened because of that now there was we didn't talk for a while
but the healing began you follow me the healing began at that moment for both of us right i no
longer have to worry about who she's talking to what who's going to say what is she going to run
into one of them is somebody going to say something about one of them
every time i saw her talking to somebody i'm going oh my god this is going to come out of the
oak i don't have to live in that fear anymore and she finally knows i'm not crazy because that's
what i told her oh you're just imagining shit you know you're just you're just trying to cause
problems you know and she finally knew no this is what this was the truth and the truth was
finally out there with the truth healings begin now i mean the good news is you know months later
we started getting back together we got to know each other again sober
and now and two years uh in the recovery we were remarried and that was the good news at two years
not the good news at 15 but it was good news it was the good news at two years but here's what
that called here's what that allowed that allowed the two of us to raise our two sons together for
15 years until our sons had left the house you know and maybe i'll share the rest of that story
some other time but uh it didn't it didn't last forever let's just say that and it ended on good
terms you know it was just you know to be honest with you i i had i had begun a new way of life
and some normies don't want this way of life and i don't know anything about balance what balance
means to me when you say i need balance i'm i'm you know what i hear i want to do less than a.m
that's what i hear and for me to to create balance would mean i'd have to do less here
and i can't do that i can't do that
i can't do less here this is my life i have a life because of this
and if you can't be along for that ride this probably isn't going to work out
you know and it was exciting and cool to see pat sober and you know doing the right thing
and being trustworthy and all that kind of stuff but you know she had just been to her i mean in
her words i'm not going to another one of those effing gratitude dinners ever again you know
i'm just done with these meetings you know i just don't and she was going to ninth chapter meetings
had enough i want to go out friday night saturday night have a couple drinks and dance
right i want to go to the meeting friday night you know i don't want to go to the meeting saturday
night that's where i need that's where my happy place is not in a bar dancing while you drink and
smoke your pot you know i'm just not doing it i don't want to get in the car and smell that
anymore i don't i just don't want to be part of that you know i can't be part of that i can't
and so i mean i'm blessed to this day and i'll talk more about that to be with somebody who's all
in recovery also as as in as i am
i could have it no other way i could have it no other way so so i was able to mend
that relationship taking a risk there's risk involved there's risk involved and that's that
you know uh in the uh how it works and on the next last page of how it works what talks about
suppose we fall short of the chosen ideas and stumble does that mean we're going to drink well
not necessarily but let's say if we if we we know that we did wrong and we ask god to take us to
better things and we get back on track we brush ourselves up and get back on track surely we're
going to stay sober but if we continue that behavior we continue that behavior then we are
we are surely going to drink and he says these are facts out of our experience these are facts of our
experience so then so then i get to this place where i say look there's bells you can't ring
there's bells you can't unring
right you can't unring a cheat belt you know you can't unring the lie you know so we have to be
careful what where we fall short i got to be careful where i fall short i can't fall short
in those areas and that road narrows and we talked about that in six and seven that road narrows as
we go down the road it's not about cheating anymore you know it might just be about lust
you know and then it might not be just about lust it just might be about flirting you know it could
the road just starts to narrow as we go down the road for me i don't know about for her
but for me it starts to narrow which i'm sure it does for her too but the family
you know my my stepfather uh god he got into a bad deal you know you know my my mother
was was trying to raise four kids on her own and when my father left at a very young age
my mother remarried uh another flaming alcoholic you know who uh
got the opportunity to live with me yeah who was an addict alcoholic big time and
this poor guy i used to take his car tell him i'm going to the store i'll be back in a couple
and i'd be back in a couple of weeks you know and a lot of time the car came back on a tow truck on
a flatbed you know because i'd be trail riding with it or something it was one i swear to god
i brought it back missing a rear wheel where's the wheel i don't know it's in the woods somewhere
you know little volkswagen fastback you know but that's the kind of stuff yeah he ended up
divorcing my mom because three out of the four of us caught the bullet you know well there's me
my sister who's two years less sober than me and then it skipped my brother and my baby sister uh
died of an overdose 17 years ago but but three out of four of us caught the bullet he was dealing with
three addicts and alcoholics in that house and my mother who refused to let him discipline us which
was just it was bad and so they ended up divorced then after we were all gone they ended up remarried
again isn't that crazy right
how do you make amends for that right you know and i made all of and look i made the financial amends
him and my mother i mean that and that isn't really what they wanted but i he may have wanted
it but but i i made all the financial amends that i could make with him and and he he's been
uh he's been my father you know for the last 35 years you know and uh and so i do anything i can
for him at any time and it's just there's just no way i will ever complete the amends for him and
and you know what what happens when we're in this recovery we're on this road to recover we do it
not because we have to you know because it's someone in need and i have the opportunity to
help and i'm in a position to help so i i help and and so we could call it yeah i'm still making
amends but uh i just looked at it as no matter who it was and if i was in it had the opportunity
to help and i could i would you know and he's that guy i would do anything for him and he knows that
and my mother on the other hand
it had to come through demonstration
there was no amount of money that was going to repair the damage that i did to her i share with
you guys the sleepless nights and the uh you know she got a good night's sleep when i was in jail
you know leave him there for a while you know let me get some rest you know and uh in the
robberies and she didn't even really care about me stealing her stuff and she just wanted her son back
you know i got the opportunity to demonstrate that i lost my mother three years ago but but over the
31 years sober that i got to live with her uh i got to make all the amends that i could possibly
make and then some and then some and and our relationship became uh an amazing bond between
the two of us and uh but uh you know what what what i what i think they want and what they really
want are two different things my mother was a two-time cancer survivor but she was a two-time
and uh and that's not what killed her what killed her was knee surgery you know uh was the beginning
of the end of her she she decided to have knee surgery after surviving cancer twice you know
and and she gets on the table to do they do the knee surgery she flatlines on the table
and goes into a coma and they intubate her and all this other stuff and you know the power of prayer
is an amazing thing and it is it's just amazing you know and but you know praying for my they they
we had a priest come in give her last rights you know and uh and i wasn't done i just wasn't done
making the amends to my wife and my wife and i prayed over her and uh and the next day we're
staying this is after we give her life's prayers the next day we're standing beside her looking
at her and she opens her eyes and she looks at me and she says why can't you get along
with your sister i went really that's what was eating her alive the fact that her siblings didn't
get along she's got chills you know that's what she wanted was her children to get along
that's what would make her happy in that moment right crazy right i called my sister that night
said we're good
all good you need anything let me know you know and it's we've always had it to say the least
attenuous uh relationship not going to go in to take her inventory but it was a challenge to call
her let me just say that and it's been a challenge to keep maintain a relationship with her even
though my mother has passed it's a challenge to maintain a relationship and you know why i do it
because my mother wanted it but my mother wanted it that's why i do it you know and we do like our
we treat them as we would a sick person as we are or were and i do anything i can to help her if i can
but my mother came out of that right and my mother went into rehab and my mother got
sepsis in rehab and she ended up back in the hospital again in a coma again
and uh the doctor says i don't even know why i'm sharing this with you guys
so so the doctors are shows me her feet and her feet are black
and the doctor says we're going to have to take her feet and i said oh you can't do that
it's not there's another way it's either that or let her go you know and uh
i said well you got to do what you got to do and and he left and and my wife and i shannon and i
put hands on my mother's feet and boy we put some sincere prayers out there and uh
and he took her down to take her feet off the next morning and they were pink
praise god that's incredible right i mean i look i don't even know how to explain that and
the doctors are like i don't know you know now we do we do and that and that my mother
came out of the coma and got another three years out of my mother before she passed you know
uh my mother put her life in my hands before she passed not not my not my stepfathers
not my brother who's not one of us me you will make the call some you will make the call when
it's time you will know it and you will make the call and i did i had to make the call three years
later but just what a what a gift you know to be able to make the call it's a wonderful thing
so
Mend those relationships like that.
And it was all about demonstration.
And it was a long road, but it was all about demonstration.
It wasn't anything I said.
It was in actions.
It was in actions.
My youngest son has never seen me drop.
He was two.
Some of you have met him.
He's been here.
And him and I have this unbelievably unique spiritual bond.
But my other son, my oldest son was 12 when I got sober.
And he's seen the shit, man.
He's seen the fists go through the walls.
He saw my fists come through his bedroom door because he was so afraid,
he locked himself in his bedroom.
And I put my fist through the door and unlocked the door from the inside.
He remembers seeing his mother knocked to the floor
when I got arrested.
He remembers seeing his mother knocked to the floor
when I got arrested for assault and battery.
The beginning and the end, you know.
Those are the kind of memories I gave my child.
Those are the kind of memories my father gave me.
Where do our defective relationships come from, right?
I became my father.
I became everything I hated in him.
And when it came time to make amends to him, I sat down with him.
And I said, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Did I deeply regret what you had to go through and what you had to see,
what you had to endure?
And he did not accept it well.
And he said, yeah, that shit sucked.
He said, I was hoping you wouldn't come back.
Because they moved.
We moved them into an apartment after that, and I got the house.
Big deal.
Got what I wanted.
And when him and his mother started to reconcile, he wanted no part of that.
He was glad not to have me around.
Because he didn't know me.
He didn't know this.
He didn't know Sober Pat.
He only knew Violet Pat.
What do we call it?
Discipline through intimidation.
Right?
We all know that.
How many of you is old school here?
You used to see the look, right?
You get the look, right?
When you got the look, you go, oh, shit.
We know what's coming after the look.
Even with Grandma, it was a shoe.
My grandmother could throw shoes around a corner.
And it's not that we didn't have a bond.
It wasn't that we didn't have a relationship.
We did a lot of stuff together.
I took a lot of action to try to mend that relationship and not to spoil them,
but just to do things together sober and enjoy life together sober.
Fishing trips and traveling.
You know?
All kind of different stuff that we did together.
We had a lot of fun together.
And it wasn't like the relationship was strained all the time.
But any time I would bring up this amends, he did not want to hear it.
He did not want to hear it.
So I'm 27 years sober.
I'm doing a step series at Palm Bay.
I'm doing a step series at Palm Bay.
And I get this text from him.
He says, I want to thank you for all the skills you taught me and the ethics that you've driven
into me about working hard and doing what's right.
I know there were plenty of speed bumps along the way, but I want you to know how much I
appreciate you taking the time to let me learn and providing me with the foundation for being
successful.
I don't know how.
If I remember.
I don't know.
I don't know if I've ever really said thank you.
And I just hope I can continue to be that person for my kids.
I love you and I look forward to the next time we get together.
This is 27 years later.
I wrote back.
Thank you so much.
I'm so proud of the man you've become.
I couldn't be prouder.
Yes, there were speed bumps along the way, and I truly regret that.
But you and Joe, his brother, have always been and will always be the most important
people in my life.
Thanks for being you.
I always look forward to seeing you guys.
Can't wait to see you again.
He writes back.
Don't regret anything.
It was all part of the journey.
Have a good night.
Forgiveness.
Forgiveness.
There's a line in the Ninth Step that says there's a long road of reconstruction ahead.
Yeah.
For all of us.
For all of us.
You know, if you're newly divorced.
And you've lost your family.
Or you've lost your kids.
Or you're not seeing your kids.
There's a warrant out.
And you're down here not just because of the sunshine.
You know, there's something going on up in the North.
This is, if we stay this course, it will be okay.
It will all be okay.
It will work out.
Just not in my tongue.
I want immediate gratification.
Right?
I want to say I'm sorry.
And you say, yes, but you're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
I want to say I'm sorry.
And you say, yes, come home.
Hmm.
Not, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I've heard that shit before.
Show me.
Show me.
Prove to me.
That's what this is about.
That's what this is about.
This is not about, you know...
I mean, that's what I wanted.
I wanted to do steps one, nine, and move back in the house.
Right?
Hey, I'm an alcoholic.
i'm so sorry i'm coming home
you know she said i'm sorry too you're not an alcoholic you're an
who drinks a lot that's a true story
i called home i said good news i found out what's wrong with me
i'm an alcoholic she said nope you're an
she was she was pretty accurate
hey it takes a long time you know to get over the selfishness and the
self-centeredness you know it takes a long time to change
there's a long road of reconstruction on my end too
not just on repairing the damage but on my end
in five years was i still selfish and self-centered you're damn right i was
i wasn't drinking i was a better person i surely wasn't where i wanted to be but
i surely wasn't where i was i'm sure i wasn't where everybody
wanted me to be either
i got a divorce at 15 years sober who does that
who does that i mean who blows up a marriage 50 years sober
oh you too
there's too many parallels to our story
yeah that's right
feeling like a failure right you know what i you know what
that timeline revealed you know what that timeline revealed this is
this is scary that at 15 years sober i was still a taker in relationships
that i still was living with the fault with faulty relationships
that i was still suffering from abandonment issues and trust issues
still 15 years so
that divorce felt like the biggest rejection in my life
i was i didn't want to drink but i wanted out
you know what i mean i want it out i want to go i want to go live in the woods with deer and
you know dogs and deer that's what i want you know these people man you know
this would be a great world without people right
i mean i was i should tell that story right
so i'm ready to leave the planet i'm ready like i'm gonna cook's forest
delegating nationals in pennsylvania i'm going there i've got a plant
you know and uh and i'm driving up and down a1a thinking about how am i gonna
tell everybody that i'm going to be a hermit you know
and uh and i get a call from billy galvin
and i i've shared with you who billy was in my second step billy was my guy that i followed
everywhere he went because billy won't had what i wanted and that you follow the people to have
what you want and i'm not talking about relationships you know the people who are
chasing people that have a spiritual solution that's what billy was and where billy was that's
where i wanted to be i didn't want to know where there was a meeting i want to know where billy is
because billy was chasing guys like garrett maldo he was chasing guys like ben troxell he was chasing
guys you know like like peter he was chasing guys like like uh i could just go on and on i mean
there's just so many giants that i've been chasing around the years and and that i wanted what he had
and he wanted what they had and so i went where he was so billy calls me out of nowhere i hadn't
heard from billy in about a year because he had been on this travel league thing with his kids
and uh and i said hey bill and he goes yeah he says uh you were on my heart
just called to see what's up i said no i'm fine you know he said no something's up he says there's
a reason why you came on my heart and this is why if i if you get a call from me out of the blue
or a text from me out of the blue that's why because you came on my heart in that moment
and i don't ignore that anymore because billy i came on billy's heart he knew something was wrong
and he wasn't hanging up until i told him and i told him i'm going to a divorce man he said i
want out i said i want out hold on well we're going to pick you up and take you to a meeting
i said nah it's all right i'm good i'm good now we're going to take you go see russell
oh i don't do russell no no no that's the god squad there man i don't i don't know they say
jesus and all that in the meeting no that's not that's not me that's he's a tradition violator
you know you know it's too bad we're going to bring you to see russell
and they take me he picks me up and takes me on where they're on the tracks in north miami he was
in a step series there and and russell opens a meeting like this if you're new here you might
want to go to a different meeting yeah he says i'm here for the guy who's 15 20 25 years sober
dying inside oh my god he's talking to me you know i mean that just tears started coming out now i
don't anybody knows russell he starts most of his readings like that right but i think it's me it's
about me right
and i go up to him after me i said oh my god russell you were talking to me he goes oh
really he says i said yeah he says i told him what was going on he says you know
maybe pages 84 through 88 aren't doing it for you anymore maybe you need more you know maybe
this isn't just maybe maybe i'm not saying to abandon what you're doing but maybe you need more
maybe you need to reach outside of aa for more and i went i thought about it and i said okay
the next night i'm having dinner with peter marinelli
and uh peter and i and artie from the florida house we're having this debate
about people raising from the dead and virgins having babies and like that and uh
actually peter was having no debate uh i was debating you know
and peter looks at me and he says did you ever think you would be sober 15 years i said no
that's a miracle he said it is isn't it
said yeah and he says well anything's possible now isn't it i said yeah maybe and we were leaving
the meeting we were outside of frankie and johnny's in deerfield and peter looks at me
he says maybe you should go back to the church of your childhood and leave for a good reason
and i went home it was a saturday night i went home and i thought why did i leave
why did i leave i left because i couldn't live up to their principles that's why i didn't want
to live up to their principles how about that i wanted to be on the fun side of it i wanted to be
on the fun side of the island where they were smoking dope and you know drinking and having
sex and you know all that i wanted to be on that side not the side that talks about abstinence and
no sex before marriage and all that kind of you know i mean i didn't want to be on that
side of the island they had principles over there we had none over here right that's what
and i went back to church the next morning for the first time since i was 13 years old right
i threw up a prayer look i don't know how this prayer thing works you know i just know that
prayer changes things that's all i know i don't know if it changes me or circumstance i don't know
i just know that when i pray things change you know and i'll talk more about it in 11 but i'm
a big brother lawrence fan you know practicing the presence of god all the time all the time
i don't set aside time for i do pray in the morning but but i pray all day long i travel with
god all day long you know i'm constantly throwing up prayers but i don't know how that works but i
throw up this god if you're there if you're real show me now and i had an experience in that church
and i'll share with you that that day i put a name to the god of my understanding
you know and it just changed my direction it just changed the direction of my life you know
rejection
or redirection
seems like every time i've been rejected i've just been redirected to somewhere better
you know we stand at that turning point over and over again which way are we going to turn
you know we're going to turn away from the recovery are we going to turn towards recovery
we turn away from god are we going to turn towards god yeah which way are we going to
turn we'll stick and you and i will stand at that turning point over and over and over again
but i know which way i'm turning
because i know i no longer believe its rejection i know it's redirectional
and then that's just happened over and maybe i'll talk more about that next week but that's happened
over and over and over again i'm going to end with this because i stole this from charlie parker
and i love this you know i i share with you that fear was my demon
you know that uh and it still is fear is my thorn fear is probably what keeps me going to god
what keeps me coming back to god you know without fear i'm not so sure i would pray before this
meeting i'm not sure all i do is pray and i pray before god i'm not so sure i would pray before this meeting
without fear i'm not so sure i would pray before this meeting
i really don't i've i've learned that fear has become an asset for me because it forces me to
pray it forces me to travel with god all day long and i'm okay with that i'm all right with that i
love that relationship that i have today and i find god here in this room i find god when i'm
calling one of you guys i find god when you call me i find god when i walk into my church i find
god when i walk into any church it doesn't matter what church it is there's so many options i have
today to find god and whatever you think that is that's what i'm talking you're new here whatever
you think that is that's what i'm talking about you know you get to define it
but i suffered terribly from that fear from that anxiety from that torment
and it's
16 years old i picked up a drink and i knew a new freedom and a new happiness
when i picked up that drink i didn't regret the pass or wish to don't shut the door on it
when i picked up that drink i could comprehend the word serenity and i knew peace
when i drank i could see how my experience could benefit others
when i drank that feeling of uselessness and self-pity disappeared when i drank i lost
interest in selfish things and gained interest in my fellows when i picked up a drink self seeking
seeking slipped away. When I picked up a drink, my whole attitude and outlook on life changed.
When I picked up a drink, fear of people and economic insecurity left me.
When I drank, I intuitively knew how to handle situations that used to baffle me.
When I drank, I realized that alcohol was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself.
How could you not love that? How could you not fall in love with that?
Alcohol was not my problem. Alcohol was my solution.
The spiritual malady was my problem. That's what we learned here.
The spiritual sickness, the fear, the anxiety, the torment.
Eric Clapton called it torment. I was a tormented child, he said.
Man, I needed something more powerful than that.
He needed to give me something more powerful.
Alcohol, you suffer from another substance, substitute your drug of choice for alcohol.
Whatever it is, it takes away that restlessness, that irritability, that discontent, that anxiety, that torment.
And these nine steps put me back together and gave me what alcohol gave me.
God gave me what alcohol gave me.
I shared with you in my fifth step, it was the first time in my life that I was at peace.
Without a substance in my body.
Now, you may not believe that.
You know how you can come to believe that?
Do the first freaking nine steps.
Right?
That's what this is about.
That's how faith is born, right?
All we have to do to get started is be willing to believe that this might work for me,
or I'm going to die an addict, alcoholic death.
Is door number one or door number two?
Hmm.
You know?
Now, if you're not there, you may not buy into this.
You might just say this is all bullshit.
But you couldn't scare my ass out of here with God.
I was willing to believe that you just might be right.
And that's all it takes if you're new to it.
That's all it takes is to be willing to believe.
Say, okay, go from no to maybe this could work.
Why?
Because I'm going to die.
Because I'm going to die.
You make a decision to do the work.
You do the work.
You get the results.
There's the faith.
There's the faith.
When God entered my heart in my fifth step, there's where faith was born.
I believed in this power greater than myself.
I believed in this misunderstanding of God.
That's really what it was for me.
A God of my misunderstanding.
But I knew at that point it was real.
And it was reemphasized in that experience that I had in the church.
And I still want more.
I still want more of it.
So I'm going to continue to do what this program asked me to do in step 12.
And I'm going to continue to grow in understanding and effectiveness, as step 11 says.
And I guess we'll get to that next week.
Thanks for letting me be here.
Thanks to the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous outlined in our big book of Alcoholics Anonymous,
which is the program of AA, I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
I can never express to you how grateful I am.
AA didn't just save my life, but it gave me a new life.
And I absolutely love my new life.
I don't love all the moments in it, but just far better than the life I had before I got here.
This is just incredible.
And I love this place.
This is a great meeting.
Getting down near the end soon of this series.
We've been talking, I'm going to read something on the 12 and 12.
I don't usually go to the 12 and 12 too much.
But great essays that Bill wrote.
You know, the directions to the steps are in the big book.
But Bill.
He expands 13 years later, writes essays on the steps.
And there's just so much, just has such a much broader outlook and information on the steps.
But this is one of my favorite lines out of the eighth step it comes out of.
And it says, since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes,
including our alcoholism, no field of investigation can hear more satisfying
and valuable information than alcoholism.
It says, since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes,
including our alcoholism, no field of investigation can hear more satisfying
and valuable information than alcoholism.
And this one calm, thoughtful reflection upon personal relations can deepen our insight.
We can go far beyond those things which were superficially wrong with us to see those flaws,
which were basic flaws, which sometimes were responsible for our whole pattern of our lives.
Thoroughness.
We have found will pay and pay handsomely.
And to me, this whole journey has been about relationships, faulty relationships, if you will, you know, and repair, but you know,
and repair is the most important thing and repair is the most important thing.
And repair is the most important thing I think about relationships.
And repair is the most important thing.
And repair is the most important thing.
And repair is the most important thing.
repairing these faulty relationships by what the first relationship being that with god you know
developing a not so much at the beginning understanding of god but uh a relationship
with god of some sort you know at least a uh to get to know that god was my solution
and the second is to to know me to get to know me to get a relationship with me to know the
truth about myself know the truth about god know the truth about me so that i can go out and repair
my relationships with you in in steps eight and nine and uh i know i'm supposed to be on
step 10 tonight but i don't know we'll get there but uh because you know we've been talking a lot
about uh reparation we've been talking a lot about getting right into physical dimension
getting right into our physical dimension and and and and and and and and and and and and and
right with the people around us. And I don't know where these defective relationships came from
for me. I don't know if I'm even capable of knowing where those defective relationships
were created. Defective relationship with God, with myself, and with you. I mean, I was that guy
that suffered from false pride. I was just a piece of shit when I walked into the room. I was never
that, the false pride where I'm better than you. I was never better than you. I was always less than
you. I always felt less than. And part of that was I was shorter than everybody else. I was
skimmier than everyone else. I started school at five. Everybody else started at six. I don't
think they even do that anymore. But if mommy didn't have daycare, you went to school no matter
what your age was back then. And I don't know. I've read stuff on it. There's plenty of books
on where that comes from. And when I'm
I've learned is that where that came from isn't even accessible for me. It's a part of my history
that I can't even access. It probably, they say before five. And I can't, I don't know about you,
but I can't remember anything before five. The first thing I really remember, the first memories
I remember are my memories of skipping school at five. That's really the first thing. If I go back
to my childhood and my sponsor, maybe I'll talk more about this next week, but my sponsor had me
do a timeline.
In 15 years sober. And that timeline, he said, take five-year increments of your life and write
down significant events, good and bad. Bad memories, good memories in those five-year
increments. It's a really cool exercise. Very revealing, by the way. But I couldn't remember
anything before five. I couldn't remember anything before five. And what I started to remember at
between five and 10 was fear. A lot of fear.
And being bounced around from house to house, you know, living with my aunt, my uncle Jack and my aunt,
living with my grandmother, living with my uncle Frank and my aunt Carol, you know, just being
bounced around. And what really was revealed is where my fear of cockroaches came from.
Which is a terrible fear. Not those big Buick-looking things, but those little,
I guess, are they German cockroaches? That's a terrible thing to label them like that.
Nothing against the Germans. But those bastards, you know, like, I can remember as a child living
at my uncle Jack's house, who was a slob. And waking up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom and cockroaches being all over the walls, you know. And I couldn't get out of bed
to go to the bathroom and I would just wet the bed, you know. And then I would get berated the
next morning for, you know, made fun of the next morning. And I would get berated the next morning.
for that. And so ever since then, I mean, my wife tells me there's a cockroach in the house. I say,
no, there's not. No, no, I saw one. No, you didn't. Call the bug man. I'm just like in denial
about cockroaches. But it revealed a lot of stuff. It revealed, you know, possibly where some of my
trust issues come from. You know, I was sharing with somebody earlier about night after night
staring out the window, waiting for my father to come and pick us up, but never,
ever showing up, you know. And what I've read from psychiatric professionals is that our trust
issues, our abandonment issues are developed before we can even remember. They may even be
developed in the womb. Most of them are developed in our first few years of life. Definitely in my
case, before I was five, you know. So I can't even remember. I can't even remember. I can't even
even access those memories. I'm incapable of accessing those memories. And I'm incapable of
knowing why every relationship that I had was defective. Either trust issues and abandonment
issues, basically, you know. And if the sad part is, you know, what the punishment of the cheater
is, they can't trust anybody. You know what the punishment of the thief is? They can't believe it.
They know that everybody's dropped to get their money. You know what the punishment of the liar
is? They can't believe anybody, you know.
And that's who I became, you know. Just manipulate, you know, trap you, you know, into my life.
You know, my relationships with women were not relationships. They were hostages, you know.
They were, I would try to get you in a position where you couldn't leave, you know. But I knew
you were going to run. So I would do, I would have a backup plan, you know. But I don't know
where all that comes from. But the two amends that we talked about last week,
the financial amends and the criminal amends, are the easy ones. Really, I mean, I think that when
you have to pay the money. You know what the hard ones are financially? I learned this from Martha
Rice. You know what the hard ones are financially? When you have the money, right? When you don't have
the money, you can't pay them anyway. That's easy, you know. I'll create a payment plan
somewhere down the road, right? But when you have the money, it's hard to write the check,
you know. It's hard to get. I'll never forget, I was, I shared with you guys my,
where I didn't have to call the IRS, they called me. And, and I got to make restitution with the
IRS. And they only went back a year, and then they, and they let the rest of it go. So the next year,
I want to be legal. I want to file an income tax that I, that I recall, you know, that I actually
know what I'm signing. And I don't know anything at this point, because I have no history. Now,
I'm 37 years old at this point, 38 years old. I have no history of filing taxes. So,
I don't know about S-Corps, and LLCs, and quarterlies, and, you know, all that kind of
crap, you know. So, I'm just this contractor out there making money, and figure I'll just take
care of it at the end of the year, you know. Well, I go to the end of the year, my accountant hands
me my taxes, and says I owe $8,000, right? Now, how can that be? Well, that's, you know, you're
supposed to pay quarterly, or, you know, monthly, and set up an LLC, or an S-Corp, so that you don't
have to pay twice the workman's comp, and just a bunch of that kind of simple stuff.
And, and I have, I owe like $7,800. I have $8,000 stashed, right? And I'm sharing, I'm complaining
in a meeting, in the Boca Boys Club, you know, these, these tough love mentors of mine. And I'm
sharing that I can't believe that I was able to save $8,000 this year, and the IRS wants $7,800
of it. And Bud Reichardt, God rest his soul, takes a pack of cigarettes, at that time we were smoking
cigarettes, and throws them at the table, and says, well, what the hell is the problem then? Write the check, you know, there was no problem in his eyes, because I had the money. In my eyes, I don't want to part with that shit, you know, I've been saving that, but I wrote it. It was hard. And his advice was, do it now, because the longer you wait, the harder it's going to be. But those are the easy ones, right? The criminal ones, those are the easy ones, because I benefit from it, right?
I mean, if you have to do time or something, it's not an easy one, but it's something I'm going to have to do one way or another. But the relationships with family members and siblings, that's where it gets difficult. That's where it gets difficult, with the ex-wife or with the current wife, you know, that's where it gets difficult. How do I get honest in a situation that might cause me to lose the relationship, you know? And that's, that's tough stuff right there, you know?
I struggled with it. My, you know, my ex-wife, at about, I guess I was about four months sober, finally lifted the restraining order. And we started talking. And I'm thinking, I cannot go and, and Bill talks about it, you know, if we've been wild, you know, if we've cheated, should we go to our wife?
And I've been telling her that we've been cheating, that we have been unfaithful. And thank God Bill wrote it, not Lois, because it says, not always, you know, and that, and that's, is this going to do more harm than good? Now, here's the flip side of that question. Am I going to be able to stay sober living that life? Right? Or am I going to risk blowing up the relationship by admitting that I've been unfaithful? That's, that's a tough call right there, you know, and that's where some strong sponsorship comes in.
Yeah.
Well, my sponsor had to answer to that. You know, that's just a, that's just a tough one. You know, and, and I struggled with it. And, and I was asked in the spur of the moment, I was, I don't know if I've ever, I ever spoke at a meeting. I was, like I said, I was not even a year sober. And, and the bottom line group, we had this guest speaker coming and the guest speaker didn't show up. And they said, Pat, you're speaking tonight.
Yeah.
And, and I go to speak. And now I have never spoke anywhere before.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it was, it's not true.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
when you're under a year sober you don't have a lot of hope you know you have a lot of what it
was like you know you don't have a lot of what it's like now you know so it was a what it was
like story you know and in the meantime my she was my ex-wife who had just dropped the restraining
order had snuck into the back of the room to see what this triple a was all about you know
and uh and i basically dumped the fifth step on the on the group and and it was all out there
the you know the girlfriends and this and that it was just you know and then i my buddy my buddy
jeff is sitting where pierre's sitting and he's going and he's pointing to the back and i'm going
i got this you know and i just kept going man and uh and she slammed that door and i guarantee you
she
she
could have put that restraining order back on it would have gone back on
but she couldn't get it reinstated she had no cause and uh
but i'll but i'll tell you what happened because of that now there was we didn't talk for a while
but the healing began you follow me the healing began at that moment for both of us right i no
longer have to worry about who she's talking to what who's going to say what is she going to run
into one of them is somebody going to say something about one of them
every time i saw her talking to somebody i'm going oh my god this is going to come out of the
oak i don't have to live in that fear anymore and she finally knows i'm not crazy because that's
what i told her oh you're just imagining shit you know you're just you're just trying to cause
problems you know and she finally knew no this is what this was the truth and the truth was
finally out there with the truth healings begin now i mean the good news is you know months later
we started getting back together we got to know each other again sober
and now and two years uh in the recovery we were remarried and that was the good news at two years
not the good news at 15 but it was good news it was the good news at two years but here's what
that called here's what that allowed that allowed the two of us to raise our two sons together for
15 years until our sons had left the house you know and maybe i'll share the rest of that story
some other time but uh it didn't it didn't last forever let's just say that and it ended on good
terms you know it was just you know to be honest with you i i had i had begun a new way of life
and some normies don't want this way of life and i don't know anything about balance what balance
means to me when you say i need balance i'm i'm you know what i hear i want to do less than a.m
that's what i hear and for me to to create balance would mean i'd have to do less here
and i can't do that i can't do that
i can't do less here this is my life i have a life because of this
and if you can't be along for that ride this probably isn't going to work out
you know and it was exciting and cool to see pat sober and you know doing the right thing
and being trustworthy and all that kind of stuff but you know she had just been to her i mean in
her words i'm not going to another one of those effing gratitude dinners ever again you know
i'm just done with these meetings you know i just don't and she was going to ninth chapter meetings
had enough i want to go out friday night saturday night have a couple drinks and dance
right i want to go to the meeting friday night you know i don't want to go to the meeting saturday
night that's where i need that's where my happy place is not in a bar dancing while you drink and
smoke your pot you know i'm just not doing it i don't want to get in the car and smell that
anymore i don't i just don't want to be part of that you know i can't be part of that i can't
and so i mean i'm blessed to this day and i'll talk more about that to be with somebody who's all
in recovery also as as in as i am
i could have it no other way i could have it no other way so so i was able to mend
that relationship taking a risk there's risk involved there's risk involved and that's that
you know uh in the uh how it works and on the next last page of how it works what talks about
suppose we fall short of the chosen ideas and stumble does that mean we're going to drink well
not necessarily but let's say if we if we we know that we did wrong and we ask god to take us to
better things and we get back on track we brush ourselves up and get back on track surely we're
going to stay sober but if we continue that behavior we continue that behavior then we are
we are surely going to drink and he says these are facts out of our experience these are facts of our
experience so then so then i get to this place where i say look there's bells you can't ring
there's bells you can't unring
right you can't unring a cheat belt you know you can't unring the lie you know so we have to be
careful what where we fall short i got to be careful where i fall short i can't fall short
in those areas and that road narrows and we talked about that in six and seven that road narrows as
we go down the road it's not about cheating anymore you know it might just be about lust
you know and then it might not be just about lust it just might be about flirting you know it could
the road just starts to narrow as we go down the road for me i don't know about for her
but for me it starts to narrow which i'm sure it does for her too but the family
you know my my stepfather uh god he got into a bad deal you know you know my my mother
was was trying to raise four kids on her own and when my father left at a very young age
my mother remarried uh another flaming alcoholic you know who uh
got the opportunity to live with me yeah who was an addict alcoholic big time and
this poor guy i used to take his car tell him i'm going to the store i'll be back in a couple
and i'd be back in a couple of weeks you know and a lot of time the car came back on a tow truck on
a flatbed you know because i'd be trail riding with it or something it was one i swear to god
i brought it back missing a rear wheel where's the wheel i don't know it's in the woods somewhere
you know little volkswagen fastback you know but that's the kind of stuff yeah he ended up
divorcing my mom because three out of the four of us caught the bullet you know well there's me
my sister who's two years less sober than me and then it skipped my brother and my baby sister uh
died of an overdose 17 years ago but but three out of four of us caught the bullet he was dealing with
three addicts and alcoholics in that house and my mother who refused to let him discipline us which
was just it was bad and so they ended up divorced then after we were all gone they ended up remarried
again isn't that crazy right
how do you make amends for that right you know and i made all of and look i made the financial amends
him and my mother i mean that and that isn't really what they wanted but i he may have wanted
it but but i i made all the financial amends that i could make with him and and he he's been
uh he's been my father you know for the last 35 years you know and uh and so i do anything i can
for him at any time and it's just there's just no way i will ever complete the amends for him and
and you know what what happens when we're in this recovery we're on this road to recover we do it
not because we have to you know because it's someone in need and i have the opportunity to
help and i'm in a position to help so i i help and and so we could call it yeah i'm still making
amends but uh i just looked at it as no matter who it was and if i was in it had the opportunity
to help and i could i would you know and he's that guy i would do anything for him and he knows that
and my mother on the other hand
it had to come through demonstration
there was no amount of money that was going to repair the damage that i did to her i share with
you guys the sleepless nights and the uh you know she got a good night's sleep when i was in jail
you know leave him there for a while you know let me get some rest you know and uh in the
robberies and she didn't even really care about me stealing her stuff and she just wanted her son back
you know i got the opportunity to demonstrate that i lost my mother three years ago but but over the
31 years sober that i got to live with her uh i got to make all the amends that i could possibly
make and then some and then some and and our relationship became uh an amazing bond between
the two of us and uh but uh you know what what what i what i think they want and what they really
want are two different things my mother was a two-time cancer survivor but she was a two-time
and uh and that's not what killed her what killed her was knee surgery you know uh was the beginning
of the end of her she she decided to have knee surgery after surviving cancer twice you know
and and she gets on the table to do they do the knee surgery she flatlines on the table
and goes into a coma and they intubate her and all this other stuff and you know the power of prayer
is an amazing thing and it is it's just amazing you know and but you know praying for my they they
we had a priest come in give her last rights you know and uh and i wasn't done i just wasn't done
making the amends to my wife and my wife and i prayed over her and uh and the next day we're
staying this is after we give her life's prayers the next day we're standing beside her looking
at her and she opens her eyes and she looks at me and she says why can't you get along
with your sister i went really that's what was eating her alive the fact that her siblings didn't
get along she's got chills you know that's what she wanted was her children to get along
that's what would make her happy in that moment right crazy right i called my sister that night
said we're good
all good you need anything let me know you know and it's we've always had it to say the least
attenuous uh relationship not going to go in to take her inventory but it was a challenge to call
her let me just say that and it's been a challenge to keep maintain a relationship with her even
though my mother has passed it's a challenge to maintain a relationship and you know why i do it
because my mother wanted it but my mother wanted it that's why i do it you know and we do like our
we treat them as we would a sick person as we are or were and i do anything i can to help her if i can
but my mother came out of that right and my mother went into rehab and my mother got
sepsis in rehab and she ended up back in the hospital again in a coma again
and uh the doctor says i don't even know why i'm sharing this with you guys
so so the doctors are shows me her feet and her feet are black
and the doctor says we're going to have to take her feet and i said oh you can't do that
it's not there's another way it's either that or let her go you know and uh
i said well you got to do what you got to do and and he left and and my wife and i shannon and i
put hands on my mother's feet and boy we put some sincere prayers out there and uh
and he took her down to take her feet off the next morning and they were pink
praise god that's incredible right i mean i look i don't even know how to explain that and
the doctors are like i don't know you know now we do we do and that and that my mother
came out of the coma and got another three years out of my mother before she passed you know
uh my mother put her life in my hands before she passed not not my not my stepfathers
not my brother who's not one of us me you will make the call some you will make the call when
it's time you will know it and you will make the call and i did i had to make the call three years
later but just what a what a gift you know to be able to make the call it's a wonderful thing
so
Mend those relationships like that.
And it was all about demonstration.
And it was a long road, but it was all about demonstration.
It wasn't anything I said.
It was in actions.
It was in actions.
My youngest son has never seen me drop.
He was two.
Some of you have met him.
He's been here.
And him and I have this unbelievably unique spiritual bond.
But my other son, my oldest son was 12 when I got sober.
And he's seen the shit, man.
He's seen the fists go through the walls.
He saw my fists come through his bedroom door because he was so afraid,
he locked himself in his bedroom.
And I put my fist through the door and unlocked the door from the inside.
He remembers seeing his mother knocked to the floor
when I got arrested.
He remembers seeing his mother knocked to the floor
when I got arrested for assault and battery.
The beginning and the end, you know.
Those are the kind of memories I gave my child.
Those are the kind of memories my father gave me.
Where do our defective relationships come from, right?
I became my father.
I became everything I hated in him.
And when it came time to make amends to him, I sat down with him.
And I said, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Did I deeply regret what you had to go through and what you had to see,
what you had to endure?
And he did not accept it well.
And he said, yeah, that shit sucked.
He said, I was hoping you wouldn't come back.
Because they moved.
We moved them into an apartment after that, and I got the house.
Big deal.
Got what I wanted.
And when him and his mother started to reconcile, he wanted no part of that.
He was glad not to have me around.
Because he didn't know me.
He didn't know this.
He didn't know Sober Pat.
He only knew Violet Pat.
What do we call it?
Discipline through intimidation.
Right?
We all know that.
How many of you is old school here?
You used to see the look, right?
You get the look, right?
When you got the look, you go, oh, shit.
We know what's coming after the look.
Even with Grandma, it was a shoe.
My grandmother could throw shoes around a corner.
And it's not that we didn't have a bond.
It wasn't that we didn't have a relationship.
We did a lot of stuff together.
I took a lot of action to try to mend that relationship and not to spoil them,
but just to do things together sober and enjoy life together sober.
Fishing trips and traveling.
You know?
All kind of different stuff that we did together.
We had a lot of fun together.
And it wasn't like the relationship was strained all the time.
But any time I would bring up this amends, he did not want to hear it.
He did not want to hear it.
So I'm 27 years sober.
I'm doing a step series at Palm Bay.
I'm doing a step series at Palm Bay.
And I get this text from him.
He says, I want to thank you for all the skills you taught me and the ethics that you've driven
into me about working hard and doing what's right.
I know there were plenty of speed bumps along the way, but I want you to know how much I
appreciate you taking the time to let me learn and providing me with the foundation for being
successful.
I don't know how.
If I remember.
I don't know.
I don't know if I've ever really said thank you.
And I just hope I can continue to be that person for my kids.
I love you and I look forward to the next time we get together.
This is 27 years later.
I wrote back.
Thank you so much.
I'm so proud of the man you've become.
I couldn't be prouder.
Yes, there were speed bumps along the way, and I truly regret that.
But you and Joe, his brother, have always been and will always be the most important
people in my life.
Thanks for being you.
I always look forward to seeing you guys.
Can't wait to see you again.
He writes back.
Don't regret anything.
It was all part of the journey.
Have a good night.
Forgiveness.
Forgiveness.
There's a line in the Ninth Step that says there's a long road of reconstruction ahead.
Yeah.
For all of us.
For all of us.
You know, if you're newly divorced.
And you've lost your family.
Or you've lost your kids.
Or you're not seeing your kids.
There's a warrant out.
And you're down here not just because of the sunshine.
You know, there's something going on up in the North.
This is, if we stay this course, it will be okay.
It will all be okay.
It will work out.
Just not in my tongue.
I want immediate gratification.
Right?
I want to say I'm sorry.
And you say, yes, but you're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
You're not.
I want to say I'm sorry.
And you say, yes, come home.
Hmm.
Not, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I've heard that shit before.
Show me.
Show me.
Prove to me.
That's what this is about.
That's what this is about.
This is not about, you know...
I mean, that's what I wanted.
I wanted to do steps one, nine, and move back in the house.
Right?
Hey, I'm an alcoholic.
i'm so sorry i'm coming home
you know she said i'm sorry too you're not an alcoholic you're an
who drinks a lot that's a true story
i called home i said good news i found out what's wrong with me
i'm an alcoholic she said nope you're an
she was she was pretty accurate
hey it takes a long time you know to get over the selfishness and the
self-centeredness you know it takes a long time to change
there's a long road of reconstruction on my end too
not just on repairing the damage but on my end
in five years was i still selfish and self-centered you're damn right i was
i wasn't drinking i was a better person i surely wasn't where i wanted to be but
i surely wasn't where i was i'm sure i wasn't where everybody
wanted me to be either
i got a divorce at 15 years sober who does that
who does that i mean who blows up a marriage 50 years sober
oh you too
there's too many parallels to our story
yeah that's right
feeling like a failure right you know what i you know what
that timeline revealed you know what that timeline revealed this is
this is scary that at 15 years sober i was still a taker in relationships
that i still was living with the fault with faulty relationships
that i was still suffering from abandonment issues and trust issues
still 15 years so
that divorce felt like the biggest rejection in my life
i was i didn't want to drink but i wanted out
you know what i mean i want it out i want to go i want to go live in the woods with deer and
you know dogs and deer that's what i want you know these people man you know
this would be a great world without people right
i mean i was i should tell that story right
so i'm ready to leave the planet i'm ready like i'm gonna cook's forest
delegating nationals in pennsylvania i'm going there i've got a plant
you know and uh and i'm driving up and down a1a thinking about how am i gonna
tell everybody that i'm going to be a hermit you know
and uh and i get a call from billy galvin
and i i've shared with you who billy was in my second step billy was my guy that i followed
everywhere he went because billy won't had what i wanted and that you follow the people to have
what you want and i'm not talking about relationships you know the people who are
chasing people that have a spiritual solution that's what billy was and where billy was that's
where i wanted to be i didn't want to know where there was a meeting i want to know where billy is
because billy was chasing guys like garrett maldo he was chasing guys like ben troxell he was chasing
guys you know like like peter he was chasing guys like like uh i could just go on and on i mean
there's just so many giants that i've been chasing around the years and and that i wanted what he had
and he wanted what they had and so i went where he was so billy calls me out of nowhere i hadn't
heard from billy in about a year because he had been on this travel league thing with his kids
and uh and i said hey bill and he goes yeah he says uh you were on my heart
just called to see what's up i said no i'm fine you know he said no something's up he says there's
a reason why you came on my heart and this is why if i if you get a call from me out of the blue
or a text from me out of the blue that's why because you came on my heart in that moment
and i don't ignore that anymore because billy i came on billy's heart he knew something was wrong
and he wasn't hanging up until i told him and i told him i'm going to a divorce man he said i
want out i said i want out hold on well we're going to pick you up and take you to a meeting
i said nah it's all right i'm good i'm good now we're going to take you go see russell
oh i don't do russell no no no that's the god squad there man i don't i don't know they say
jesus and all that in the meeting no that's not that's not me that's he's a tradition violator
you know you know it's too bad we're going to bring you to see russell
and they take me he picks me up and takes me on where they're on the tracks in north miami he was
in a step series there and and russell opens a meeting like this if you're new here you might
want to go to a different meeting yeah he says i'm here for the guy who's 15 20 25 years sober
dying inside oh my god he's talking to me you know i mean that just tears started coming out now i
don't anybody knows russell he starts most of his readings like that right but i think it's me it's
about me right
and i go up to him after me i said oh my god russell you were talking to me he goes oh
really he says i said yeah he says i told him what was going on he says you know
maybe pages 84 through 88 aren't doing it for you anymore maybe you need more you know maybe
this isn't just maybe maybe i'm not saying to abandon what you're doing but maybe you need more
maybe you need to reach outside of aa for more and i went i thought about it and i said okay
the next night i'm having dinner with peter marinelli
and uh peter and i and artie from the florida house we're having this debate
about people raising from the dead and virgins having babies and like that and uh
actually peter was having no debate uh i was debating you know
and peter looks at me and he says did you ever think you would be sober 15 years i said no
that's a miracle he said it is isn't it
said yeah and he says well anything's possible now isn't it i said yeah maybe and we were leaving
the meeting we were outside of frankie and johnny's in deerfield and peter looks at me
he says maybe you should go back to the church of your childhood and leave for a good reason
and i went home it was a saturday night i went home and i thought why did i leave
why did i leave i left because i couldn't live up to their principles that's why i didn't want
to live up to their principles how about that i wanted to be on the fun side of it i wanted to be
on the fun side of the island where they were smoking dope and you know drinking and having
sex and you know all that i wanted to be on that side not the side that talks about abstinence and
no sex before marriage and all that kind of you know i mean i didn't want to be on that
side of the island they had principles over there we had none over here right that's what
and i went back to church the next morning for the first time since i was 13 years old right
i threw up a prayer look i don't know how this prayer thing works you know i just know that
prayer changes things that's all i know i don't know if it changes me or circumstance i don't know
i just know that when i pray things change you know and i'll talk more about it in 11 but i'm
a big brother lawrence fan you know practicing the presence of god all the time all the time
i don't set aside time for i do pray in the morning but but i pray all day long i travel with
god all day long you know i'm constantly throwing up prayers but i don't know how that works but i
throw up this god if you're there if you're real show me now and i had an experience in that church
and i'll share with you that that day i put a name to the god of my understanding
you know and it just changed my direction it just changed the direction of my life you know
rejection
or redirection
seems like every time i've been rejected i've just been redirected to somewhere better
you know we stand at that turning point over and over again which way are we going to turn
you know we're going to turn away from the recovery are we going to turn towards recovery
we turn away from god are we going to turn towards god yeah which way are we going to
turn we'll stick and you and i will stand at that turning point over and over and over again
but i know which way i'm turning
because i know i no longer believe its rejection i know it's redirectional
and then that's just happened over and maybe i'll talk more about that next week but that's happened
over and over and over again i'm going to end with this because i stole this from charlie parker
and i love this you know i i share with you that fear was my demon
you know that uh and it still is fear is my thorn fear is probably what keeps me going to god
what keeps me coming back to god you know without fear i'm not so sure i would pray before this
meeting i'm not sure all i do is pray and i pray before god i'm not so sure i would pray before this meeting
without fear i'm not so sure i would pray before this meeting
i really don't i've i've learned that fear has become an asset for me because it forces me to
pray it forces me to travel with god all day long and i'm okay with that i'm all right with that i
love that relationship that i have today and i find god here in this room i find god when i'm
calling one of you guys i find god when you call me i find god when i walk into my church i find
god when i walk into any church it doesn't matter what church it is there's so many options i have
today to find god and whatever you think that is that's what i'm talking you're new here whatever
you think that is that's what i'm talking about you know you get to define it
but i suffered terribly from that fear from that anxiety from that torment
and it's
16 years old i picked up a drink and i knew a new freedom and a new happiness
when i picked up that drink i didn't regret the pass or wish to don't shut the door on it
when i picked up that drink i could comprehend the word serenity and i knew peace
when i drank i could see how my experience could benefit others
when i drank that feeling of uselessness and self-pity disappeared when i drank i lost
interest in selfish things and gained interest in my fellows when i picked up a drink self seeking
seeking slipped away. When I picked up a drink, my whole attitude and outlook on life changed.
When I picked up a drink, fear of people and economic insecurity left me.
When I drank, I intuitively knew how to handle situations that used to baffle me.
When I drank, I realized that alcohol was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself.
How could you not love that? How could you not fall in love with that?
Alcohol was not my problem. Alcohol was my solution.
The spiritual malady was my problem. That's what we learned here.
The spiritual sickness, the fear, the anxiety, the torment.
Eric Clapton called it torment. I was a tormented child, he said.
Man, I needed something more powerful than that.
He needed to give me something more powerful.
Alcohol, you suffer from another substance, substitute your drug of choice for alcohol.
Whatever it is, it takes away that restlessness, that irritability, that discontent, that anxiety, that torment.
And these nine steps put me back together and gave me what alcohol gave me.
God gave me what alcohol gave me.
I shared with you in my fifth step, it was the first time in my life that I was at peace.
Without a substance in my body.
Now, you may not believe that.
You know how you can come to believe that?
Do the first freaking nine steps.
Right?
That's what this is about.
That's how faith is born, right?
All we have to do to get started is be willing to believe that this might work for me,
or I'm going to die an addict, alcoholic death.
Is door number one or door number two?
Hmm.
You know?
Now, if you're not there, you may not buy into this.
You might just say this is all bullshit.
But you couldn't scare my ass out of here with God.
I was willing to believe that you just might be right.
And that's all it takes if you're new to it.
That's all it takes is to be willing to believe.
Say, okay, go from no to maybe this could work.
Why?
Because I'm going to die.
Because I'm going to die.
You make a decision to do the work.
You do the work.
You get the results.
There's the faith.
There's the faith.
When God entered my heart in my fifth step, there's where faith was born.
I believed in this power greater than myself.
I believed in this misunderstanding of God.
That's really what it was for me.
A God of my misunderstanding.
But I knew at that point it was real.
And it was reemphasized in that experience that I had in the church.
And I still want more.
I still want more of it.
So I'm going to continue to do what this program asked me to do in step 12.
And I'm going to continue to grow in understanding and effectiveness, as step 11 says.
And I guess we'll get to that next week.
Thanks for letting me be here.
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