Evolution of a Higher Power – FOTS Step 11 Workshop – Part 13 of 25 – Jane L.

Hi, everyone. My name's Jane and I'm an alcoholic. It is so good to be here and it's so great to hear your voice, Teresa. Oh my gosh, I am crazy about you. I mean, a shot of Teresa once a week is all I need. You know, really, you are just a really special spirit and your laughter is contagious. And I just love being in your presence, however that might be, even through Zoom. So thank you so much for asking me. And I do understand that wonderful Tiombe really laid it on you a few weeks ago. And I'm so excited to be working with her. And she has really won over a really special place in my heart. Love you, Tiompe. Okay, so my name is Jane. I'm an alcoholic. And thanks to this program thanks to my amazing faith and my amazing God, to my family and my friends and the sponsors that I've had throughout the years and my sponsees like Tiombe who helped me way more than I helped them. I've been sober since September 24th of 1996. And my home group is Central Group here in Tallahassee, Florida. Right out of the gate, I always like to share that my drinking run lasted for 14 long years and I am so grateful for this spiritual program of self-development with mutual assistance and I just feel like at home whenever I'm in a crowd like this, whenever I're in a group like this. So I have you all to thank for helping me to live truthfully, to live honestly, and to live lovingly. And so I know that we're all in these uncertain times. And because of the theme of this meeting, I'm sure that we'RE all doing more prayer and meditation than we probably did before. I know THAT'S true for me. And that's one of the things that I'M grateful for every single day. I feel like we're so lucky that we have these spiritual principles and spiritual practices that we can implement into our lives during times such as this, you know? And the fact that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control of all this. God is in charge. And my job is basically to just trust the process, you now? Not only is everything going to be okay right here, right now. Everything is okay. One of my favorite quotes is, I think it was Mother Teresa that's, it says, if you want peace, be peace. You know, and I'm doing my best to accomplish that every day. And it's only through my work with Step 11 that that's possible. I know that when I continue to live here in the present moment, that all my fears are kept at bay. You know, it's amazing when you turn it over how spiritually free you feel. So anyway, I knowthat one of the spiritual practices that I've learned or principles that I have learned to live by is that when you give, you get back. So tonight, I've been asked to share just a little bit about myself and my experiences with Step 11. And I know Teresa said if you want to hear my story, look it up, but I think I need to tell some of my story so that I can talk about the stages that I grew spiritually. Like for example, I want to talk quickly about my childhood God, then I'd like to talk about my god when i was using and then i'd like to talk about the phase where uh god faded to black and then um slowly but surely the my uh f post-tragedy god um my you know how i grew to have the relationship that's still growing today you know one of the things that is so cool about my God is that it's dynamic. He's fluid. She's ever changing, you know? And I'd like to share with you the evolution of my God, so to speak. So anyway, I'll start out by saying that I'm from New Jersey. Somebody said that before earlier, like the great state of New Jersey, woo! And I think one of the reasons why Teresa asked me to speak is because she likes my accent. and um so anyway I grew up in a big Irish Catholic family always believed in God you know my actually uh we went to mass every Sunday I'm one of you know seven kids so the pew was always full my mom and dad were you know we said our prayers together every night so my childhood God was really a beautiful God and I felt like God was watching me all the time so I really tried to be a good girl. And, you know, I mean, and I was, and I was. So anyway, it was a very ritualistic thing, however. You know, I feel like I said my prayers is my obligations. I loved the ritual, still do. But I feel like my relationship with God was very obligatory, you know? So anyway let me just fast forward to when I had my first drink. Okay, so I was 14 years old and I remember I went to the movies with my 18 year old cousin and a bunch of her friends and they brought in a couple bottles of rum and we're dumping it in our cokes. And I love the symbolism of this. The movie was the original Star Wars. Okay. That says how old I am. I'm 57 years old. Don't try and figure it out you know don't waste your time counting but but anyway that when that movie came out man we had never seen anything like that before it was just like you know and actually i uh a couple weeks ago we got disney plus and i just re-watched it for the first time since then and it super freaked me out when i saw all the symbolism in there with like alcoholism you know i heard tell about those stories you know the dark forces and so um so anyway i was able to really tap into that this time. But back in the day when I was 14, I remember just sitting in my seat, just like, oh my God, this is so cool. I mean, I feel like I was flying around intergalactically with Han Solo on that Falcon Millennium. If there was a heaven, man, I entered it. I was skyrocketed into that fourth dimension. It was the coolest thing. Wow. And I loved it, man. uh but i'll tell you um i wasn't i'm of the ilk that i felt loved and nourished and and whole before this so this is this is my story i what alcohol did for me larger than life i mean it was like plain jane was gone forever after that first use i wanted to you know we'll be the one that walked into the room everyone was like yeah she's finally here You know, here comes the fun. And that's the way that I used my whole using career until, of course, the dark end, which so many of us know way too much about. But anyway, so I didn't drink again because I got so sick and I was just like, oh my God, I'm not doing that ever again until I went away to college. So very quickly, I went to an all-girl Catholic high school. Once again, prayer was a part of our daily routine. I mean, we first thing in the morning after we said our pledge, we said prayers. We went to mass every single Friday with my cohort. Actually, it was the whole school. And really, I was like you know, the all-American kid. I went to, I was in the student council. You know, I did all this stuff. Anyway, you get the picture. College is when, you know? I started to really start to drink. All right? I like to say, I went, it was like the sheltered Catholic school girl getting let loose in the biggest, baddest city on earth. So I went Manhattan College in New York City. And let me tell you, it was everything all the time. It was life in the fast lane. And all my dreams and aspirations started getting put in the backseat of that car. And I just, you know, I tore that city up. And it was drinking. It was drugging. It Was, you Know, I smoked a ton of weed, snorted a ton of cocaine. Remember, this is New York City in the 80s. And I was all over the place. Now let's talk about my using God. Let me tell you, I remember times of being out all night long. And by the way, slowly but surely because of all those actions, my morals started to get put into the backseat of that car too. But I had this fear of living a half-lived life. I wanted to do it all. I want it to see it all my life was just completely running on ego, self-sufficiency, self reliance, pride. So God got put in the backseat of that car too. But I have to say after, oh, this is a good example just to give you a snapshot. I remember I used to go home once a month to do the readings at mass and my family would all be in the church. And I remember, I would, I was out with my married boyfriend, you know, drinking snorting coke all night long, got up to take a shower in the morning only I was up all night, got in the car had my like vodka cranberry, right? Because vodka doesn't smell. You know, probably fired up a joint and off I went to say the readings at mass. And i remember, my brothers will never live it down. I got up and I said, this is a letter from St. Paul to the Filipinos. I was so wasted. And, um, but I thought God understands me. God gets, God gets this, you know, I'm making my best effort to show up. Um, you Know, God knows the language of my heart. I'm going to use that phrase. God knows that I'm really a good person. I'M just going through a stage right now. And I would talk to God and I'd say things like that. Like, you know, this really isn't me, you know i'm going through a phase but i know you love me anyway and you know i know that uh yeah i'll have to go to confession over this but uh you know you know that i'm just letting it rip because you know I can I'm young this is what young crazy people do so um so just to give you a glimpse into what my God was like during my using years and um so anyway let's fast forward to, um, let's move more towards, you know, several years down the line when drinking just wasn't fun anymore. You know, I made a ton of geographic changes. It's almost like with each geographic change, I grew further and further from my God, you Know? Um, and some of those geographic changes were overseas. Like I lived in France for a little while. I lived In Japan for a Little while And I just quit going to mass. I quit going To church and it was Just like you know i would Maybe every once in a while when I got into trouble Tiambe called it my 9-1-1 god Right or my or my santa claus God like please god you know Give me this i'm in big trouble Right now so i would tap into God during those those times And you know and and i always Believed in grace too you know I always knew that grace was Always there no matter what i Did or no matter what I didn't do, all I had to do was tap into grace and it would offer me beautiful things like illumination, forgiveness, you know, mercy, compassion. And I did have that even while I was using, you Know, but I was cognizant of the fact that I, you Now, I took advantage of grace. Let's put it that way. I was like, okay, I'm going to do this bad stuff now because I know down the line god will forgive me if i ask you know so um so anyway that was my to try and encapsulate my using god that you know that's what happened it was almost like uh de-evolution you know i had this great god that just kind of dwindled down into hardly anything and uh during my super dark hours um i just want to briefly tell you what happened to me um i made several geographic changes, but the last one was bad. So I got my first DUI and I moved down to Florida to waitress. And so anyway, I moved on. Now this was a really funny geographic change. Are you ready for this one? To attempt to try and straighten out my life, I moved down to the Florida Keys. Massive fail, massive fail. I mean, as a matter of fact, the Keys is where I really hit the skids. The Keys is Where it was that incomprehensible demoralization that so many of us know so well. This is, I would categorize this part of my God phase fade to black you know um i didn't believe in a god anymore if there was a god why was he doing all this terrible stuff to me why were all these terrible things chance things happening i was i always at the wrong place at the right time uh you know i mean i was always pointing the finger of blame i was uh the queen of rationalization but i ended up um in the keys being homeless. I remember walking around in bare feet, drinking pop-off vodka out of a bottle and smoking crack. Forget about snorting coke anymore. I was smoking crack till I got down to about 85 pounds. And I remember there was a time or two that I would wander into a church and um you know just pray like god if you're there give me a sign you know and i never got the signs as a matter of fact really bad stuff started happening you know so um so anyway i uh i had a little spiritual thing happen i uh i looked at i had the proverbial look in the mirror not recognizing myself and i um started to try and get my life together but um i uh ended up meeting a guy who wanted to go down to the keys on a weekend we went down uh first tiki bar we hit and we started drinking all the way down to um marathon key and i remember um wanting to go down and you know drink some beer smoke some joints whatever go down and watch the sunset and we did that down at this place called the old the old seven mile bridge and so we went out partying all night. And then I had another great idea. Let's go down and watch the sun come up there. And, you know, so about two in the morning, we head back down. You know, I remember I saw this sign that said authorized vehicles only. And I'm like, vehicles? Oh, well, let's go. And down we went. And unbeknownst to me, they had just blown that bridge up for that movie True Lies with Arnold Schwarzenegger. And we're cruising down that bridge, and I remember looking at him going, God, where is this bridge leading to? This is weird. And bam, I went barreling right into the concrete barrier that on the other side of that barrier was the water. And man, I just remember, you know, just screaming, oh my God, Where did that thing come from? Where did that thing come from oh my god we gotta get out of here where this thing is gonna blow there was fire and smoke coming out of the hood and i was just like oh my God so yeah i was calling on God big time right about then and um i just remember uh you know looking over at Max and thinking that he hit his head and that he was passed out several minutes later i realized that he wasn't breathing and that he was dead. And I, you know, I remember screaming out to God, like, God, if you're there, please do it. Do the merciful thing. Take me to take me to there is no way I'm going to be able to live with myself knowing that because of me this precious life was abbreviated and this began a new phase of my relationship with god um i i got uh sent down to the hospital i i was in the regular hospital because i broke just about everything i broke my neck at c1 c2 I was in the regular hospital for five months and then a rehab hospital for five months. And, um, I remember in that hospital, let me tell you if a priest walked through that door, I was like, get the hell out. You know, why would God do this to me? I know, I know that I have a good heart and I'm a good person. Get the hell outta here. You don't have to do that. You know? I didn't want to have anything to do with the God. It was just like, I felt God completely abandoned me. That little flicker of God that I still had during my times of need, I felt like that was extinguished. I was just like, my family did not want to have anything to do with me there. They took the attitude of like, you made your bed laying it. And, you know, so I was pretty much all alone and I'm telling you, it was black, it was dark. So I I'm going to fast forward again. I got, I did start going to my first AA meetings when I was in physical therapy and it was in St. Pete Beach, Florida. And let me tell you, those people, I saw God in those people. Let's put it that way. Long story short, God started to become alive to me again, looking into those people's eyes, seeing their hands outreach to help me during my darkest hours, offering to take me to physical therapy, offering to tell me things like there but for the grace of god go i you know um i mean i'll tell you i i i attribute that them to really saving my life because can you imagine the darkness that i was in so um slowly but surely through people i started to believe in a god again um and uh i what you guys told me i'll telling you i want to talk a little bit about step one. You know, I realized that I was powerless and that my life was unmanageable. And then I was perilous over alcohol. I mean, you should have seen me back then. I had like that halo on the halo traction thing. I was on a walker. My ankle was pretty much severed. So they had to sew up my foot back on so I could barely walk. And both of my ankles were smashed. My pelvis was smashed. I mean, you should see me walk into that first meeting and you all accepted me and loved me like with this beautiful maternal love. And you were talking about God and I saw God in the joy in you. You know, that's not to say I didn't see God in people that were going through pain too, because I was able to see that. But what you taught me was that there was great power in powerlessness. What you taught me was to embark on this journey where I needed to abandon my pride and drop my ego and transcend into this place of humility, where only that place of humanity was the only way that anything of a spiritual nature was going to get in. And I just was amenable to it at that, at that point in my life. It was like your love became such a contagion that it softened my heart and opened the door to let me let somebody else who was filled with love in. And you all told me about the variety of your gods. And I decided to embark on a new relationship with a new God and my old God too. I mean, my relationship with God is way too big to fit into any one religion. But anyway, the best way I can describe my God is love. And I have to say this, that you all also taught me about honesty. I remember I kind of used honesty as my higher power for a while in the beginning. And so I decided to plead guilty because I was guilty. I mean, the attorney was telling me, no, you plead not guilty. That road should have been blocked off. I was like, forget it. I'm guilty as hell. I know I'm going to prison. Let's get the show on the road, you know? And so that's what I did. I accepted 100% responsibility for what I Did. I pled guilty and I got sentenced to five years in prison, followed by 10 years of probation. So now I want to talk about my prison God. because really that was the beginning well no the beginning was my AA meetings but this was the next phase of growth I should say in establishing a higher power you know I just feel like in prison you know when all the external distractions of life were removed I feel like I was really able to simplify and accept God into my heart and rely on God and really hear that my true voice, like my genuine voice without all those distractions with really just me and God. So I am one of those that's really grateful for the five years that I got in prison. The 10 years of probation I could have done without, but yeah. So, so what I already mentioned, I learned so many things in prison about abandoning my pride, seeking humility. You know, I also learned like how when I looked back on my life every time something went awry, it was because it was me putting myself in God's role, you know, and, and through a lot of prayer and through a lot of meditation. By the way, I was able to start a meditation group when I was in prison, which was a big deal back then. But really we just did basic things like sit in the silence or they actually let me have somebody on the outside send in some meditation tapes. And I'll tell you, it was a lifesaver for me. You know, and so was the 12-step program, You know, because you guys taught me how to be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection. And I was prone to doing that, by the way, because that would diminish my usefulness to others. So I also feel like I grew in by learning a lot about service work when I was in prison. I started a literacy program and I also helped women to prepare for their GED. and I also in prison it was the perfect place to do my fourth step it was a Catholic priest in there who was an alcoholic in recovery and after my fifth step I'll tell you something it was like I became less of a freak and more of a member of the human race than I ever was before isn't it ironic that the first time I felt that spiritual freedom. I was locked up in prison, you know? I mean, it's wild how that's how it went down for me. I was also able to work on two of my biggest character defects, being judgmental. You know, I always like to share before I went to prison, I remember having a date with some dude who told me over dinner that he spent time in prison. And I was like, Whoa, I'm not going out of this guy again. Ain't gonna be a day two with you, dude. You know, I mean, I was so judgmental. And so I, you know, I learned how to embrace everybody and love everybody. Let me tell you some of the finest women I met in my life I met In prison, and I was able to work on resentments, especially with my family. Can you imagine? I remember the only one that really stuck by me was my dad. I would have thought he would be, it would have been the one to bail, but he was the only one that showed up at my hearing. I remember even when I was in prison calling home and they only let me call home on special occasions because it was collect. And I remember my mom answering the phone and just handed it to my dad, you know, and they didn't send me any money the whole time I was in there. You know, I always joke, I was like, one of my biggest resentments is I didn't write Orange is the New Black. Chapter one would have been, I'm nobody's boo because my ass is broke. You Know, I mean, but let me tell you, it's not easy being in prison for five years with no flow coming in, if you know what I mean. So, but then I just let it go and I just embraced again that life of simplicity. And I really was able to establish this beautiful relationship with my God, you know? So how lucky am I that I had that five years in prison? I was able to do that. I was unable to go on this mining expedition to find out who I really was. I learned so many qualities. I I learned how to be patient and loving and kind and giving. And most importantly, I learned how to forgive myself and I learned how to begin on the journey of redemption because of my relationship with my higher power. So getting out of prison, let me tell you something. The miracles just started rolling out one after the other. And I'm gonna talk about my God in those days, right? So I, you know, this was my, I need God to show me some signs that I'm doing the right thing. Right? So I got him right the minute that I, that I got out of prison. I'll tell you. You know, I think I, I forgot to tell you how my way that I described myself back when I was younger and using and it was like, you know what i was a risk-taking hell-breaking you know um or hell-raising rule-breaking rock and roll chick wow living the rock and roll lifestyle and um you know i loved my rock and role and even when i was in prison you know music was like a prayer to me you know and uh so the minute i got into that cab with my hefty bag of all my belongings i couldn't believe this song that was playing on the radio. I'm as free as a bird now. I mean, what are the chances? I was like, thank you for that sign, God. The cab driver turned it up and we were just singing it together. And then the second miracle happened almost 20 minutes later when he dropped me off at my first AA meeting after prison. And I had no idea, but I walked in and guess who was there? the three women that brought the meetings into prison. So thank you, by the way, to anyone who does corrections work. But I had no idea that that's where they went and they were just like, oh my God, when did you get out? I was like today, woo! And so yeah, that was my second sign that I was doing the right thing. And the miracles just kept unfolding and I'm seeing that I'm running out of time. So I want to just say that my life has just, I'll name some of the biggest miracles. I went from being a housekeeper in a hotel, to going to grad school, to get my MSW, to working at a detox, to becoming a supervisor of social services, to becoming a professor at Florida State University in the College of Social Work. And I'm telling you, it's all because I maintained my conscious contact with God on a daily basis. And I really feel that none of this has anything to do with me. Well, a little bit does, but mostly it's God. I'm tell you, It is God. And God put just the right people on my path to help prompt me forward. there were angels on every curb of this road for me that encouraged me and built me up. And I'm able to say that thanks to God, I was able to rebuild my relationship with my family. My mom and dad are amazing. They just celebrated 62 years of marriage. And they told me that one of their greatest gifts in life is seeing me be the woman that I am today. You know, I have to tell you, I met the one who I thought I would never meet several years ago at an AA convention. And I got married for the first time four years ago to the best man I've ever met in my life. Teresa will tell you. He is a great member of AA. He is just the kindest, most loving, giving person I've ever met. And I aspire to be a person like my husband is. And he's hot. And, you know, I have many of you who go to AA conventions, you might know my mother-in-law is the amazing Polly P. I could not ask for a better mother-In-Law. She is just love incarnate. I want to also talk about the fact that I recently, this is a miracle. My mom started rallying for me to try and get my license back because I got hit by a car. I've been riding my bike, by the way, for over 20 years everywhere. And so I got hip by a card. I had another really bad bike accident and she kept writing to Governor Christie in New Jersey like this is not justice. You know, she's still, you know, after 20 years doing the right thing, rebuilding her life and still she can't drive. So on his last night of office, I get a call from Jersey. Hello, Jane, this is Governor Chris Christie. I was like, ah! And he said that he got my, you know letters from my mom and this big folder of stuff that I've done and he granted me a pardon so i just started driving and here's some other great news to end off with after 24 years i am finally going to be able to vote in this election yeah you know i mean miracles you know in the state of florida if you're if youre an ex-offender you can't vote so um they just uh overturned that and i am so excited but i'm telling you all these miracles just keep happening. And it's all because in the morning, I say my prayers and I turn my day over to God. And at night, every night, I really do try to look at my day, review my day and see where I went wrong and quite simply take corrective actions to make sure that I make amends and that I don't partake in that kind of behavior anymore. So I see I am exactly at 40 minutes. So I did want to just say, I wanted to read one thing from, yeah, what did I? Oh, it's okay. Here we go. It's the one that I sent you, Teresa. It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. How can I best serve thee? Thy will, not mine, be done. These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our willpower along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of will. Thank you so much. And I know I'm expecting to talk about step 11 a little more in the q and a session thank you next person vanna come on up please you have your hand up again okay i thought i put it down but i do so my question would be you mentioned something about at night you um go through your day and then you um do you meditate on that how Can you walk me through your evening house cleaning? Sure. What I do really is I don't get on my knees or anything. I lay on my back, like almost like in a sauna position in yoga. I lay flat on my neck and I just lay on the floor. I lay down on my bed on my lap on my chest for a while. I actually put my hands on my breast like this. And I just really try to, when I'm doing that, I just kind of start to let all my thoughts go and just concentrate on my breath. And then slowly but surely, it's almost like I kind of in my mind go like this and I let God in. And then I just will say something and I vary it up because I don't want it ever to become like my childhood Catholic schoolgirl prayers, if you know what I mean. So I try to change it up and I just try to have a conversation, you know, with God. And I usually start out with, thank you for this wonderful day or gee, thanks for this day. I feel like it wasn't as good as it could have been because of blah, blah, bla. And it's really, I kind of just do what the book tells us to do, you Know? And I actually want to just say that. I just say when we retire at night, we constructively review our day. So then I'll just start to think about, you know, how was the morning? How was the afternoon? How was evening? You know, and then if something is like not sitting right with me, and I'll tell you something, that doesn't happen that often anymore because I really feel like intuitively I do know what the right thing to do is and it's very easy to do that now you know i feel like um i uh i don't have a neat like things really don't pop up like they did in early sobriety um i just thought i would share that but i do ask myself the classic question where was i resentful selfish dishonest or afraid and I cover those. And I'm telling you very rarely do I come up with a ding and I'm so proud of myself for that because back in the day, oh my gosh. But again, I have to say, I think it's because I've really simplified my life. You know, I always share one of my favorite gurus is Winnie the Pooh. One of my favorite quotes is, what is it? So, oh, it'll come back to me. Something like I walk away from the only way to walk away from where you were. Well, I don't know. But it's really simple. It's just like, you know, there's not too much in my life that's complicated anymore. You know? Oh, we get to where we're going by walking away from where we've been. I love that quote. I love that quote and again it just exemplifies how I like to live my life simply um but I do especially in my relationship with my husband is where you know some things might come up like so I uh do I owe him an apology have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person you know uh was I kind and tolerant towards everyone what could I have done better? I ask myself those kinds of things, not like in a remote forum every night. Like, you know, I'm kind of all over the place with it, but I have a conversation with God. I asked, was I self-centered and selfish in any of the things that I did that day? Could I have done something for someone and I, you know, shied away from it? You know, let's face it, that happens a lot. Like oh, I should have called my mother today. You know I'll make sure that I do it tomorrow. That kind of thing. So I hope that helps. Yeah, that's how I do it. And then I always end my conversation by keeping my hands on my chest and by continuing to breathe. And Then I just get out of it and I try and roll over and I try to go to sleep. But that's How I like to pray and meditate. And sometimes the meditation, I'm really just digging sitting in it. So it goes longer than unusual, the preface to my conversation with God. I hope that helps. Thank you, Rana, for the question. Thank you. Jane, when you get a chance, please take a look at the comments as well. A lot of love coming through your way. And then you just message me regarding corrections and prisons. And I'm going to copy and paste it in your message, in your private message. Okay. Deanna, come on up, please. hi yeah i'm bianna i'm an alcoholic um i so enjoyed your share the question i have is regarding your well you you answered some of it already but what is your your your schedule your procedure for keeping the conscious contact with god um i do again what the big book says on awakening and throughout the day and when i retire at night so um you know i just kind of check in with god through the day um i know it sounds kind of corny but but really that's it i'll just say it you know I make a conscious effort to do it in the morning at night let's put it that way uh in the afternoon sometimes if I'm busy I might forget but i i very rarely do i forget but i'm just like i do a little check-in how am i doing god you know today's a good day thanks you know just something simple um the my i can tell you right now my the prayer that um i say the most is just i will be done too i say that a lot that's the one that comes up a lot in the afternoon but you know i have to tell you something and i i should have said this in my talk is like i believe that we're in communion with god at all times if we're living our life right you know i feel like um life is a prayer and um you know i do i do try to adhere to what the big book suggests and you know the uh basically the the book says, you know, prayer is asking for God's help and meditation is listening for the answer. You know, and also the book tells us to pray for two things only. So let's all just remember that for a moment, the knowledge of his will and the power to carry that out. You know? I don't know. I think it's so many people make prayer and meditation uh like this big um mystery thing and it's really quite simple you know just checking in with god and um following the suggestions of what our program asks us to do i hope that helps thank you lisa you're up come on up please lisa alcoholic hey jane hey how you doing good good good so my question is how long after you got out of prison did the relationship take with your mom to get healed what were the steps that took that brought your mat your mom back into your relationship with her That's a great question. It took a long time. So I'll tell you though, my parents almost got divorced over what was going on and my siblings stepped in and said, you need to go and get some help. So they went to this group in New Jersey called the Parents Support Network of New Jersey and it was for parents of substance misusers. So that kind of made my mother see that it was, you know, a disease or something that wasn't just my choice. She, and she was in this meeting with other people who were, you know from good families and that were, loving families. And it started to make her see and realize, you know, just how cunning and baffling and powerful this thing called alcoholism is. And she just thought it was just me being a rebel and, you know, doing bad things to shame her and the family and, you know God and everything. So so that was the first step was my mom going to those programs and learning about this thing. And I think that I think really in society that's still a huge problem. People don't understand this thing. And so really when the light is shed on them that, hey, my volition at the end was gone. My free will was gone, she started to be like, okay, you know, I knew she was a good person. It's this thing is just bigger than she is right now. She started to open her heart up to let me in again. But I'll tell you, even with my family, it took about, I'd say three years out of prison before they started to trust me again. And that trust building was very incremental. You know, I'd say probably the 10 year mark was when they were all like, okay, I think she's got it. You know? She would be a damn fool to screw up all the things that she's worked so hard for. But they always loved me and they always believed in me and they just weren't about to financially support me. But you know, looking back, that's what made me really strong and that gave me a lot of motivation so but my mom uh my mom is a tough cookie i'll tell you but thank goodness um god worked so fit to work that relationship out because she really is a diamond yeah thank you thank you team thank you lisa for question. Ken, come on up please. Hi, my name is Ken. I'm an alcoholic. Hi Ken. Can you hear me okay? Yes. Okay, Jane, thank you very much for your story, the courage that you've shown there. I just would like to comment and maybe tail off with a question. So you're welcome. You said thank you for people that work in corrections. I've been doing it for 10 years. years i'm currently ranked as a lieutenant in a state department i'll keep that awesome and i currently supervise a minimum custody female yard with lots of duis and things like that and um your story you know i think man you know I should go in there as an evangelist share this and that this and blah blah but I try to keep animated and the best that I can um but something i struggle with recently probably over the past well since i've got sober working in there is practicing love and tolerance inside right like i can do my a gig and have all the love and talents in the world and at home and just some something about walking through those gates it's it's really tough for me in there and And, you know, but to hear your story is just, it gives me hope for more individuals that I supervise inside. So I guess my question would be, can you suggest any tips that I could use to just be more empathetic and compassionate and kind, but I still have a hard line that I have to keep drawn to? you know um i i know exactly what you're talking about i really do you know and that's why one of the greatest gifts for me was um you know my meditation group that i had in there so i know it's gonna sound like oh sure this is what the answer she's gonna give me but again it's prayer and meditation you know um i feel like uh you know when whenever i would become confused or irritable or nervous simply i would just look to god for refreshment for nourishment for calmness and it generally worked you know i mean there were times where i was in the midst of chaos. And I just kind of would just, you know, God wrap your shell around me and let me just sit here in your light. And it worked for me. You know, I know it sounds really cheesy, but that's just how I did it. That was my coping mechanism. And, you Know, I got to say, God bless you for doing what you do, because it's not an easy job. But even listening to your voice and um i see a picture of you looking into your eyes you are the right person to be doing that you know you just look like you're really have a good a really good heart and i bet you'll a lot of the women can relate to you and you know they they probably also admire the fact that you're in a 12-step program i don't know if you share that with any of them but uh even if you don't share it it's probably pretty obvious to them that this guy's got a certain you know peace about them so yeah uh that's the best tip is that i can give you is just what the topic of this workshop is all about prayer and meditation thank you ken for your question sally come on up please hi jane i'm an alcoholic and my name is sally hi sally and uh i'm gonna cry oh i just feel like um i witnessed uh a miracle right here in front of me oh you're gonna make me cry i am impressed by your story in i mean you you know came from hell went through hell and now are rewarded for the work but i didn't hear you after you ended up in jail after that horrendous hospital stay, that you became a victim, poor me, poor me, and then went into, okay, God, am I worthy of your help or whatever? I didn't hear that. You just had enough foundation in the program that you were able to step into, reach forward and get the answer from god it's like i just feel like he reached down and said okay girl i know you're ready and here's what you have to do sally you hit the nail on the head i am when when i hear you say it it just gave me chills because that's how it happened yeah so i i don't know if you can answer this because i had some things happen to me as a child that when i came to the program i thought i was a walking mortal sin i just didn't know what it was i had done and it took me a long time to connect with what i have today as the god of my understanding but the forgiving myself was and i i was the victim it doesn't matter i had to get through that i just never thought i would have that connection that i hear in your voice and i just i want what you have oh you know what i'm saying it's it's accessible sally it's so accessible i know you can get it you know i think one of the i wanted to see if sally was a question also that was interesting what she had mentioned jane like how did you come did you ever how did you arrive at a place of forgiving yourself enough that and does that help you with your relationship with god You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm telling you, it was like, okay, I always tell this when I share my AA story, but I didn't tell tonight. It was those two Catholic priests when I was in prison that really provided the turning points for me. The second one was, it Was Easter week and I went to mass. I went to confession. And when I came out, when I looked up the priest, and it's funny because the priest looked like Jesus too. He was a young priest with a beard. I was like, whoa. But he had tears coming down his face after I said my confession. And then I noticed he was upset. I was, like, oh, he's not sad. He looks pretty angry. And he said, you know what, Jane? If I could, I would throw you up against the wall and I would slap you silly because every time you come to confession, you say the same sin over and over again. who do you think you are above accepting god's forgiveness and i was like and then he said you know i always i i tell you uh those sins are thrown out there into the sea of forgiveness but you keep reeling them back in do me a favor don't come back until you work on forgiving yourself and i i never heard a priest talk like that to anybody i mean he was like and and it really i'm telling you it was the it was the brick that i needed to be thrown at my head and i that's when i made some kind of um you know turning point it was like yeah who do i do i really believe in god and if so why am i not letting god forgive me kind of thing so that's what i really those two instances with those priests after my fifth step and that one, they really sent me on a new road. So yeah. Thank you, Sally, for your comments. Teresa, for you question. Calvin, come on up early. Hello, everybody. My name is Calvin. I'm an alcoholic. Jane, I wanted to say thank you. Thank you, Aubrey. You know, I want to say thank you for such a strong message. And I was thinking back as a peewee when I was a kid. I gave my parents hell. I mean, I did. I just naturally gave them hell. And my mother and I, no matter what, they would spend their last money to keep me out of a prison or out of jail. You know? One time I had to go sit for a while. And it wasn't because she wouldn't get me. The lawyer told her, let him sit. Just let him seat. because and then what happens is you know i get on the right track and eventually i get to a and i've been in a a long time and i raised i raised seven kids i raised wow my baby my baby you know my baby uh and i you know i cut him loose from his mama you know and he's my a baby my youngest and he ended up going to jail you know you've never been in no trouble to be 19 years old. Life broke my heart. I got the chance to feel what my mother felt. You know, I've got the chance to feel it, you know, and I'm thinking if you stay sober long, it's been my experience, stay sober long enough, you get to experience everything that I've given to other people, I guess come back and I felt it. But the only thing I'm really grateful I can feel that, that I'm awake enough to know that that is happening and what I've done And not that I take it in a bad way. I see it in a good way. But with this situation with him, I never downed him. When God was a lawyer, I did whatever I could do. And I actually probably went too far. But this program showed me how to love. My heart is open and it ain't like before. Now when something happens, I hurt. I hurt but I don't go crazy because I can't match Calamity with Serenity at times. But it's deep down undercurrent runs. Because I love him like that, you know? And he's a good kid. He's a real good kid, you know? So I get it, man. You know, and just thank you for sharing it tonight because you gave me a lot of hope. Thank you. Thank you! Thanks. Thank you, brother. Always good to hear you. New York Eileen, come on up, please. There I am. Hey, everybody. I'm Eileen Green. I'm an alcoholic. hi eileen hey jane i could spot that accent a mile out sister i i was born in the bronx but i grew up in bergen county new jersey are you from bergen country new jersey no but i taught at dumont high school okay that's exactly okay um anyway i'm a year older than you but i i you just sound so like so many uh chicks i grew up with anyway um and yeah 80s in new york were crazy and um and that was the first time I came into AA in 1985. And I adore your, I love your story, very inspiring. And I'm one of these people that bring meetings in and out of the prisons because I've been there myself. And I have to say that not as long, for very short times, bailout situations, but enough. In AA is the only place you could qualify that kind of thing, right? Like, it's not a big deal. I just got bailed out in a couple of days. No biggie. But I heard some women say, you know, how do you get that God thing going? And I struggled with that for a long time because I first came in 1985 and I said, when I started helping other alcoholics, like it says in the book, like that is our primary purpose. Primary is number one. Our primary purpose is to help other alcoholists achieve sobriety, right? So when I go into a prison system and I do a meeting in there for six weeks and I come out and then I see some girl who's walking up to me a couple of months down the road or a couple years down the row and she says, I don't know if you're going to remember me, but I remembered you on coming into the prison Wednesday night. And I'm getting chills telling these stories because I just rented one of my houses to a girl that I met that way and her husband and she's on her second baby and they just bought their own house but i was renting them one of mine like it was like when you see god like this the way we are are are blessed to see godlike this you can't help but become engulfed in that and i don't mean like in an lsd way i mean like um like i love when that priest said to you i love what that priest says to you uh because i lost a baby to sids uh almost 30 years ago like like uh you know peter peter m's marion same thing and um a priest said to me eileen i i said i'm so mad at god i i don't i don't know what i'm gonna do like i just i'm så pissed off and he asked me what do you want to say to god and of course like you know that bronx new york jersey girl i said f you god and your mother too that's what i want to freaking say to him and i grew up like you i'm one of seven the big Irish family, the whole nine. And so he said, Eileen, I want you to say that every day as many times as you can, because God can take that from you. And So that was my prayer for three and a half years. And that is the only thing he told me, I could pray to God, that God could take that from me. And the importance of God was to keep open that communication. Because a lot of times with us in in in our program and this wonderful gift we have we can hear what we don't say you know what I mean like when you're listening when you listen to a fifth step and it doesn't matter how bad it sounds to them we can Hear What They're Not Saying because we're almost the same kind of thing does that make sense and and and honestly that I've had that experience over and over and over from helping other alcoholics and it's it's just amazing and let me tell you something you You know, not every day is like that because, you know, I got a 20-year-old kid that I almost took his head right off out of here. I wish they'd lock him up in jail. He's driving me out of my mind, right? But it's like, you Know, I can deal with reality today and act like a grownup, right, which still shocks me sometimes. But anyway, thanks a million. You were terrific. Thank you. Thank you for being here. Turning point of Tampa. I don't know who that is. Yes, hello. My name is Andy. I'm an alcoholic and addict. Hi. I'm pretty fresh into sobriety. I got about 14 days under my belt right now. I'm brand new at this. And I just, man, you guys hit it tonight. uh jane um i really appreciate your experience strength and hope um two huge things that i have just been absolutely struggling with um in my recovery right now has been the spirituality um you know really connecting with my higher power um and sally had uh got on here a little bit ago and i was ready to leave this meeting um and then sally got on hier and was talking about forgiveness in herself and you spoke about um that catholic priest who wanted to slam you up against that wall and after i had heard that i told myself i could just not leave this meeting because there was words here that i just needed to hear and i think that that really is my higher power here at work and i just just thank you guys and and it really makes me want to keep coming back that's all I got thank you welcome thank you for being here the floor is open we got a few minutes come on up feel a bit hi jane so much you know i just have a comment because i talk to you all the time i just want to say thank you for not only being a um an inspiration to me but also allowing me to be to become more passionate about Alcoholics Anonymous through the relationship that I have with my higher power today and since you know since I've been working with you like my higherpower has evolved and has come become so vast in my life that I um I'm just really grateful for all the said prayers and all the unsaid prayers that we say and that our paths crossed and we met because I just, I feel so whole would be the word that I could use today, you know, through gaining a different level of dependence upon my God. And that is because of how you guide me, how you support me, How you love me. And I'm just very grateful that you're in my life and um and so i just i just wanted you to know that so thank you thank you for 12 stephanie thank you i love you and you know you are the i'm the lucky one you helped me so anyway what a what a beautiful uh testimony to god's work by by seeing fit to put us together Thank you, Tiombe. Thank you Tiombre, good to see you again. Brenda Freak, why not please? Brenda? That is the biggest challenge to unmute yourself, I swear. Jane, thank you, thank you so much. What I love hearing you say in some of the question and answers is um you just take it right back to the book what do you do just the simple stuff and i so am with a lot of people that have asked those questions like what is the secret sauce you know what is it's like no did i behave appropriately today or not and if i didn't what do i need to do you know but it'slike but is there another question i could ask myself in another way maybe in a dark room with the new outfit on you know it's just I just love and it's like well I read out of the book where it says what to do at night and what to do in the morning so um I needed to be reminded of that something because sometimes we have a lot of free time right now I retired right before COVID started and so I have a lot of free time and my husband is too so um it's a little crazy talk later but um i i start thinking and i'm like is there a secret sauce or is it just the big book of alcoholics anonymous hello you know and um one of the one of them you said that i will be done i think is one of the little quick prayers you say for me lately, it is just I offer myself to thee. You know, I offer my self to thee again. I offer meself to thee and it's really, really just throw it out there. It's really been helping to kind of get me back in today. And I just want to give a shout out to Sally for saying what she said, because there's something there. There's something big there about forgiveness. um i had i was raised episcopalian and i have a great i've always had a great relationship with god and my church and all that stuff no guilt or la la very blessed but i think there is something there about forgiveness and and like getting off our own backs because god has forgiven us we're good we're behaving we've worked the steps we're doing the deal and we keep ourselves there And I mean, that priest is badass that you that was able to talk to you. That was perfect. So I just want to give that idea about forgiveness and how we are with ourselves. Like when she said, like, I want what you have. It's like, yes, we when I hear someone that has feels that forgiveness, like I feel I'm attracted to that. I want that. i want that same thing um in my life and um and i got to hear about it in the meeting tonight so glad i showed up and it was good to hear you thanks everybody else for being here tonight thanks yep thank you thank you brenda great to see you yeah it was not open jane i got a question i was wondering if you can comment on this fantastic story by the way thank you so much It's interesting how we seem to really find God or be at a place where we're ready to have him in our lives when we become detached from the outside. Like for you, it happened in prison when everything was taken away. You know, and every story that I hear, including myself, I didn't truly start to need and seek and yearn for God until things that I valued in my life externally were taken away from me from active alcoholism. can you comment on that is that like a requirement from your experience for us to start seeking on that level um so if i'm if i hear correctly are you saying do you find do you feel do i feel it's necessary that you have to reach a bottom in order to really start a relationship with god yeah in a roundabout way i guess but let's put it this way if i think if i was a millionaire i wouldn't have sought god the way i did yeah like do you find that's the case for people with alcoholics or what's your experience with that yeah that's basically what i'm asking yeah you know um that's like a controversial question actually even in in the fields you know because there's a camp that says you know that's a bunch of bs you don't have to hit a rock bottom you know and then there's the other camp that'slike oh yeah you gotta hit a rocks bottom you know and and for me until the pain wasn't strong enough i wasn't going to change i know it i would i would have kept right on going i mean god knew what i needed and i needed like i needed to hit that rock bottom i needed to literally and figuratively crash into that wall you know and um because there was nothing you know and, and then I'll just use my husband and his story. He, he just, he was 21 years old after six years of, you know, hard drinking and drugging. He woke up after a three day blackout and was like, I'm done. And he says the way that he puts it is he was surrendered. He didn't surrender himself. He feels like he was rendered. and you know so and i know what he's talking about i didn't experience it that way so um so i think both ways are possible you know so uh yeah i just my mind is just going off to like having a million dollars oh boy just enough money not to need god yeah you know oh boy that would be uh yeah but you know back in a day. Right now, I know if you gave me a million dollars, I'd be good. You know, I have that foundation where I have, that good solid foundation that is a result of this program. Calling all the millionaires in the meeting? Yeah. Samantha, one of our co-hosts, she has a question. Come on up please. hi there um jane thank you so much i'm here thanks thank you so much for um sharing with us tonight i love that line life is a prayer um and then kind of to piggyback on what ali was talking about you had said like really bad stuff was happening um and you were looking for a sign but there was no sign if i heard you right but it's been my experience that really bad stuff was happening in my life. And that was the sign I was just ignoring. And, and if I had had a million dollars back in the day, I would have killed myself just for my use and abuse of alcohol and drugs. I was a rock and roll girl and I liked to party hard. And,and that, that was like, that Was my story, but I could fit in anywhere that that the substances were because that was my story too. So today though, I, I like, I try and keep it simple and I don't always do that. Sometimes have a hard time with that actually, but I know that what I've, my new practice for about a year now is that when my eyes are, when I'm aware I'm awake in bed, i say thank you god and it's been it's been quite a while for me to pray for anything i don't pray for people i don' pray for myself i don''t pray i just but i thank god for the day that's it you know thank you for the day and and that's how it starts just for me um and so would in and i consider that part of step 11 it's part of my prayer um meditation is different and that's that's uh uh later on in my in my morning one um but i i'm wondering you know now in your in your life when so you don't have too many things that come up you were saying right i know a couple days ago i went to bed and i was like oh that doesn't feel so good and it was too late at 11 30 at night to address it i'm not about to phone somebody at that time of day but i did get to address the following day but it's amazing how things don't come up with that niggly feeling as often and then when they do though um we have resources and the book really does have the answers yeah anyhow i think i've shared enough but um and i did have a question but i guess i didn't really formulate it properly um and hopefully i'll i'll hear some more of you sometime soon thank you thank you samantha well be well you too thank you thank you so much we have one minute burning desire ryan come on up ryan you have your hand up um yes hey i'm ryan alcoholic um sorry this wasn't a burning desires that my hand was up from before oh it's all good you got one minute still okay um thank you so much uh jane what a what a treat to uh to be here and to have heard you um i don't know if you're an angel or a rock star um maybe maybe both um i also want to watch uh star wars again and uh you know it just made me think of how many movies i began watching and then have no idea how they ended right um i guess uh my question is um i've had amazing like miracle moments that similar in in uh in structure to the way that you kind of you know the proverbial looking in the mirror that type of thing and and the proverbio you know priest throwing you you know yelling at you and and so in in the fifth step moment in the prison uh my question is you spoke about the evolution of your spirituality and uh in such a way i feel like i don't want to say that i'm i don't want to say that there's a stuckness that i that i experience at times but and i know that it's so simple you know you keep your life simple and it is simple um you know if god is the answer uh god gets the credit god gets the glory but is there anything i donno any suggestions or advice on that continuing to evolve um you know the big boat says that the age of miracles is upon us. And I love, you know, your story is amazing. Chris Christie calls you on the phone and like, these are miracles that keep happening. Is there any anything to that? Like as you grow and as you evolve and asyou get stronger spiritually, is there anything, anything, any tips or any, anything there? You know, um, I mentioned it before. I just feel like um like like life can be a prayer and i try to live my life like it is a prayer you know um i just feel like you know i whenever i if i take the time out to quiet my mind you know quiet my conscious mind and then i um you know feel it let it reverberate through my body with meditation and contemplative prayer it's just life just kind of unfolds and it really beautiful way. And that's not to say that bad stuff doesn't happen, but I feel way more better equipped to encounter bad stuff with a certain amount of serenity. So living this simple lifestyle just reduces my stress levels. And I'll tell you, I still love going to retreats and conventions and I feel like I fuel up when I go to those kind of things. I, you know, I still love going to mass on Sunday. I mean, I just, I don't know. And I think I walk with confidence knowing that wherever I go, I know that God's loving help is available to me. You know, that I don'T know if that helps, but, you know, because I think it'S just the universal way that life works, right? It's always changing. So is my God. Right, Tianbei?