Every Alcoholic Is Two People and the Twelve-Year-Old Scared Kid Is the Real One – Jack B.

Well, you know, this evening I would like you people to realize that we have a gentleman
as a speaker who goes to great lengths for his survival.
And at this time I would like to introduce to you Jack B. from New York.
Good evening, friends.
My name is Jack B. and I'm an outpourer.
I have attended many, many conferences, and I have only seen one conference that the mayor
did show up.
And the only reason he showed up, he was the chairman of the meeting.
I think that it would be a fine idea to invite the police chief.
I would like to...
What would you do if they all got drunk, chief?
It certainly is a pleasure to be here tonight.
This morning I didn't think I was going to make it.
I have to take a deep breath in New York and hold it till I get here.
And this morning I had a little turmoil.
I couldn't get American Airlines.
I had to get TWA.
And I missed that big air...
TWA and the coffee cups, you know.
When I see that I feel quite secure.
But I would like to tell you people, wherever it was that arranged for me to come out here,
I appreciate it.
Because I'm here.
There's one individual sitting out there that has to hear what I have to say.
And I'm not quite stupid, you know.
I don't think that everybody here is going to stop drinking because I arrived.
I'm not quite stupid, you know.
drinking because I arrived. I don't believe that. But I do believe that AA is a God-given
and God-inspired program. And I do believe that the reason that I'm here tonight is for
one sick alcoholic. And whatever I say here tonight will help him. Will help him as my
life was changed by AA too. So whoever that sick alcoholic is, listen please. Because
there's one hell of a trip from New York, you know. The rest of you can sit there quietly
and... You see, I'm a very happy fellow. A lot of people don't think so. A lot of people
say to me, are you sleeping? I'm not really sleeping. I just sit there and listen, you
see. I can learn more by listening than I can by yapping. And a lot of people say,
you know, I remember years ago, my wife was in New Jersey with me and she always sat at
the table and I'm wondering, you see, I don't see good and I don't hear good. And that causes
a lot of confusion in people's lives too. They're talking at me and I don't answer.
And they wonder what the hell is wrong with me, you see. But anyway, I was sitting at
the table this night and I'm watching my wife and trying to listen to what she's saying
by looking at her. And one of the women said,
oh, we're still quiet. And she said, yeah, he's always quiet. Well, doesn't he ever get
excited? She said, no. And he don't ever get upset when he has to talk in front of
so many people. She said, well, I told him something. He's half blind, but he don't
know how many people are here. She said, he's too stupid. If somebody told him he's
too stupid anyway, he would never get excited. So that's me. I'm the big shot speaker from
New York.
I was in the management room one night and I heard some guy say, yeah, we'll get tonight,
huh? Some big shot from New York. I met him after the meeting. He almost dropped dead
when he saw me. He said, I'm going to tell you one story and then I'm going to get on
with my story because we're kind of pushed a little bit here for crime. But I always
like to tell you just to prove to other people I doubt that I'm alive.
And I have a good sense of humor, too. And I could stand here and I could keep you laughing
all night, but that's not why I'm here. People get paid for that on TV. But I will tell you
one story and it concerns a little Irishman in Ireland, of course. Where else would you
find an Irishman? And his wife went up the electric and she rang the bell and she said,
oh, my God, father, he's drunk again. And the priest says, oh, no. And she said, yes,
that's true. And she was crying and tearing on. And the priest says, well, I don't know
what we're going to do. I really don't. We're just getting sober and he's drunk again. He
said, that's terrible. He said, well, we've tried everything. We tried feeding him and
coaxing him and begging him. And we tried praying with him. We tried everything. Let's
now, you know, he said, how about we try and scare him? He said, you know, Mary, he said,
that little house that you live in is at the end of the lane. And on either side of the
lane, there's a bunch of bushes and trees. And he says, I'll tell you what you do. He
says, tonight, he said, when you think he's coming home, you get out there in the bushes
and you put a big sheet over your head. And when he gets near you, you scare him. Jump
out and scare him. Tell him you're the devil. So here's this poor soul. She's out there
around midnight and they're waiting for himself to come home. And here he comes down the lane
hitting both sides and singing. And she waits for him. She gets about an hour and a half
or ten foot in front of her. And she jumps out and weighs her arms in a big sheet. She
says, hee, I'm the devil, I'm the devil. And he leers back and he says, oh, let me shake
your hand. I married your sister. Well, that's the end of the nonsense. Now we get down to
the knitting.
My name is Jack Brennan. I'm an alcoholic. And I don't much care what my name is, but
I'm very damn sure glad and happy that I know that I'm an alcoholic. That's the most important
thing that I ever learned in my life and I don't ever want to forget it. Because I suffer
from a very real physical disease, chemical in nature, very similar to diabetes. And my
disease affects me and it manifests.
It manifests itself in me in three various ways. It manifests itself in me physically
in that I'm incapable of eating or sleeping or doing anything when I'm drinking. It also
affects me mentally in that it causes me to be able to do things that I normally wouldn't
want or couldn't do unless I were drinking. And the third manifestation of my disease is
spiritual.
And I would define it as a disease of the mind. And I would define it as a disease of
the very mind that feels envy filled.
So here you have it.
I mean there are many many enormous curse words, deeper than you with alcohol.
Many many curse words.
Persistence in your spirituality
You know.
Not to say ugh.
All these irreversible curse words.
One word one word.
So basically what I I'm trying to say is that people are created to win the victory over
someone else and to give a oxidative응
for the the mostaja.
You know this is one impression of an things growing gruesome.
They're having been Rodman to the more God builds the Bible.
I know but I'm Mustachio.
And trust me there are many Vetri not anything having what I found purpose doesn't suit
it better than eating or drinking or if you ever go drinking.
So I keep talking and I know that this is kind of ontology.
So it's about
love. So he's a very unspiritual individual. For now I suffer from a disease of alcoholism
that affects me in these three areas, manifests itself in me. And when one of these three
areas are affected, it's my disease that's at work. Now I've learned this since I came
into AA, and it was very important that I know this because I was an individual like
so many alcoholics today that walk about the world with two feet firmly planted in
midair. And that's about the name of the game here. Because you come into AA and you
learn what's wrong with you, and it's no longer a question that maybe you shouldn't
drink. If you know that you suffer from a disease and it's a very real disease, then
you know it's just damn well a question that you just can't drink, period.
And that makes one big difference. Because for years I heard people talking about willpower
and a lack of religion and weak-willed people. And I have a suggestion for anybody that thinks
that this might be a question of willpower. The next time that you have diarrhea, you
try willpower. You see, I was born an alcoholic. I was born a man. I was born a man. I was born
a man. I was born a man. I was born a man. I was born a man. I was born a man. I was born
a man. I was born a man. I was born a man. I was born a man. I was born a man. And right
here, I lose half of the audience because they say, well, I wasn't, or that don't make
no damn difference. Because you see, some people are born with the disease of alcoholism,
and some, due to chemical imbalance that we suffer from, come into AA or have trouble
with alcohol much later, so it makes little difference. If you are born an alcoholic,
or you are an alcoholic later, or your sex, or your age, or your color, have nothing whatsoever
to do with the thing you do.
It has nothing whatsoever to do with it.
I have never yet heard a discussion between two diabetics
which are over who is the biggest diabetic.
They're very happy to know that they've got a disease.
But I've also never seen a diabetic go down the wrong side
or the wrong direction on an expressway at 90 miles an hour.
But I have seen alcoholics do that, you see.
So our disease, while it's chemical in nature,
the same as diabetes, it's more spectacular
in that it causes us to do things that are insane.
But it only causes us to do them when we're drinking.
The medical profession knows today that the alcoholic returns to sanity
when the alcohol leaves the system.
So why I'm standing here tonight is to reassure some individuals sitting out there
you are not crazy.
You are not crazy.
You are not crazy.
And I can tell you that.
And I can prove it to you.
In New York, there's a very fine psychiatrist.
He's the head of the Nassau County Division of Mental Health.
And some years ago, about eight,
I found this poor individual suffering from the disease of alcoholism,
unemployable,
washing dishes for a living.
And now eight years later, he's in AA,
and he's quite sober and quite happy.
And he's the chief psychiatrist.
He's the chief psychiatrist for Mental Health Department in Nassau County, Long Island.
So if you want to know anything about whether this is a disease or a mental illness,
you call him up and ask him.
He'll tell you all about it.
Well, I was born like everybody else.
There has been quite an argument about that over the years.
But I did have a mother and I did have a father.
And I knew both of them quite well.
And for a long time,
I think about six months,
they were very happy they had a new son.
It was quite a pattern from the beginning.
There was something different with this one.
And I was one of nine children.
And I'm the only alcoholic among the children.
But you see, my life was different from the very beginning.
And the doctors tell us now that there is a child
that is predisposed for an alcoholism.
In other words, he has a chemical imbalance.
That will, when he reaches alcohol,
he will find a relief in it that a normal person won't find.
And he will find a relief from ungrounded and unfounded fear.
Now, I was born with ungrounded and unfounded fear.
And they couldn't call me an alcoholic because as yet I hadn't drank.
But they knew there was something wrong with me
because I reacted completely different than the other eight kids in the family.
They went to school and they lived a very,
normal life, I would say.
And they grew up and got good marks in school.
And they did just exactly as you would expect with a child.
But me, I was different.
I was over the round block in a square hole.
And I was always afraid.
And I was afraid to go to school.
I was afraid to play baseball, football.
I was afraid to answer a question in school.
If the teacher would ask me a question,
I wouldn't answer for fear that I might be wrong
and someone would laugh at me.
I had to sleep with a light on when I went to bed.
And my brothers and sisters made a great deal of fun about that.
And the more fun they poked at me, the more I retired into myself.
And it got to the point where I couldn't do anything.
I couldn't have any part of a family relation with my family.
I was different, period.
That was it.
And I couldn't wait to grow up.
And I had an alcoholic forefather.
Only in those days, we didn't call him alcoholic.
We called him a dirty bum, depending on who was looking at him and who was talking.
If the priest would look at him, he would tell him that he should pray more, go to church
more.
And if the psychiatrist or doctor looked at him, he would say, well, he's quite an interesting
case, you see.
And it depended on who was looking at who and who was doing the talking, as to what
label they had for my father.
But I always looked at him with a great deal of love and hope.
I loved him very much.
I loved him very dearly.
And I hoped that one day he would stop drinking, as he promised.
And you know, that day never came, because there was no AA for my father.
It was before Bill Wilson.
And it was before that the higher power gave this program to Bill Wilson.
But my father never had a chance to be sober.
And I used to look at him and ask him and beg him and plead with him, please don't drink.
And he would say, I won't.
And I know now that he meant it.
He meant what he said.
But you see, about two weeks later, he would forget the agonies of the last drunk.
And maybe it was the pressures of the world without AA.
And he would pick up a drink, just like everybody else on the way home from Waco, and he wouldn't
get home.
And my father, again, he'd be drunk, and I would be thrown into terror.
And I say terror, because I loved my father, and yet when he drank, I hated him.
Because my mother was a very beautiful woman.
And I said, I love you.
And I loved her very dearly.
And all I wanted in this world was to take care of my mother.
I wanted to grow up and get a nice little house from where I lived with her.
And I wanted to buy her all the dresses that she never had.
And I wanted to watch her go to a supermarket or a store and be able to buy any cut of meat
that she wanted, you see, because she never had that opportunity.
My father's drinking and nine kids in the family.
We were always scratching for what to eat.
for what to eat. I never had a new pair of shoes or a pair of skates or a bicycle until
I grew up and I stole them for little. But there was no money and it was due to my father's
drinking and yet no one would talk about my father's drinking. We hid him, we buried him
and made out that he was dead. And then when he would come back to life and be sober for
a week, everybody would be very happy and the money would start to come in again and
he would be climbing out of the hole a little bit possibly and suddenly that he went again
back into the pits. It didn't affect my brothers and sisters but it certainly affected me because
I'm an alcoholic and I see these things and I hated booze. I hated booze with a passion
and when anyone would bring booze I would curse them, you know, to myself. They would
bring alcohol into the house and I knew that my father and alcohol were trouble and I just
couldn't understand.
Why people did it. So you see for me to stand here and tell you that I'm an alcoholic is
actually ridiculous unless, unless I can take into consideration that I do have a very real
disease. It's not just a question that I shouldn't drink. It's a question that I can drink, period.
Now when I was 12 years old I was put into a bedroom with my brother. I was put into
the bedroom before my father started on another drunk.
This time at 12 I didn't speak to anyone in the home. I didn't talk to my brothers because
my older brother, I was told to be like him and I couldn't be like him. He was a good,
fine boy and he was not an alcoholic and he went to school and he got fine marks and everybody
liked him and he always combed his hair. He hung his clothes up and he even went to church
when it wasn't Sunday.
And for me to try and be like him I failed miserably. And so I tried to be like my brother
and then I couldn't and I hated him. You see he had to run John for 37 years before he
died. My average was about 37 Johns a year, so we were absolutely completely two different
people and yet I was constantly told be like your brother or be like Tommy McGrath down
the street, or be like this boy who was the head of the class and I was not supposed to
be like him.
I was not able to do that. So always failing and always failing and always falling down,
as much as I would try, I just stopped trying. And I took an attitude to help with everybody
and when I get big, I'm gonna straighten everything out. So I sat and I waited to straighten
everything out. Well, in this bedroom, this particular day, my brother came up from under
the bedroom, a gallon jug of wine, and he said, Jack, let's have a drink. And I said, well you
have a drink. Because you see, my mother didn't raise any stupid children and I wanted to see what
was going to happen before I took one. Well, he took a drink and he said, it's nice, it's sweet
and it's good. Try it. And I tried it and that drink changed my life. Because you see,
with my chemical body that I have, alcohol, the first time that I got to it, the first
drink that I ever swallowed, relieved me of the unbearable pain of being a drunkard.
I was on the ground with an unfounded fear that I had lived with for 12 years. I don't believe
until that moment I ever knew a happy day. I was always concerned about something. When
Christmas came, I would disregard Christmas completely. To me, it was just another drunk
or a time for worrying that would my father get drunk and fall into the tree, or wouldn't he?
So I had no happy days until 12 years of age. And when I took my first drink of wine,
I experienced what all alcoholics experience. In fact, it's what makes us alcoholics.
It's not what you drink or how much. It's what that does to you that makes you an alcoholic.
So I could sit down right now, I've finished talking actually,
because my brother, when I asked him to take a second one, he did and I did.
And I felt even better than I had before. And then when I asked him to take a third, he said no,
no more.
That's enough. And some 40 years later, now if you got to Lindbrook, Long Island,
and you drink with my brother, he'll do exactly the same thing to you.
He'll give you the first drink and the second drink, then he'll put the cork in the bottle
and the bottle back in the closet. He's all finished and you just lit the fire.
Well, that's what he did to me 40 years ago. And I begged him to take a third one. He said,
no, don't want it. If you drink any more of that, you're going to get sick. Put it back and put it
under the bed and forget about it. And I said, no. And I said, if the Lord made anything better
than this, he must have keep it up there. And you know, I drink on that bottle and I remember
maybe three or four or five drinks. And I'll tell you something, I don't remember any further.
Next morning, my mother was bending over me crying. And I asked him, I'm off the matter.
I woke up very startled. And I had in my feeling that feeling in the pit of my stomach that's
peculiar to the alcoholic remorse. Didn't know what I had done, but I knew something was wrong.
And I tried very rapidly to think of what I had done. I couldn't, it was a blackout.
And my mother said, Jack, for the love of God, don't ever do again what you did last night.
And I said, what did I do? She said, you drink almost three quarters of a gallon of wine.
And then you passed out in a bathtub trying to take a bath. She said, Jack,
one in this family is enough, please.
And I promised her from the bottom of my heart that there'd be no more. And you know, I was lying.
Because anything that made me feel as good as booze made me feel, I was not about to give up.
So I looked at that woman that I love so dearly and I told her, mom, there will be no more.
Please stop crying and it will never happen again. I don't know what happened. It's just a mistake.
Please stop crying. And she said, all right, I will. And don't ever do that again.
I said, I will. And you know, it didn't hurt me at all to lie to her because I knew that explanations
were no good. I couldn't explain to her that I was going to drink, but I did. You see, I was an
Irish Catholic. And if you're an Irish Catholic and you're an Orthodox boy, you can drink.
And I got the five o'clock mass, the six o'clock mass, you know, and I asked for it. And I got
there at a quarter after five. And I had me some of the best drinks I ever had in sacristy.
And you know, they go first class in them sacristy's too.
And every once in a while I would run across an alcoholic priest and he would get there at a
quarter to five. And that would shoot my day right there. Because you see, if I had a drink before I
went to school, I could answer questions. In fact, many times I would call a nun, sit down sister,
I'll take over the course today.
But if I met one of
them peculiar priests, you know, that got there at
a quarter to five, that was a bad day for me. Because I would sit in the back of the room
again, like Vinnie the dunce, just like before. So all my life, I was 12 years old and scared.
I never knew a day where I'd be 12 years old and scared, until I came to AA.
Because you know, you can't stay in a state of suspended animation. You can't possibly drink
24 hours a day. You have to sleep. And when I slept, I woke up, I was all back to being
that 12-year-old scared kid again. So my morning drink started very early. Started very early
because I hated that 12-year-old scared kid. That kid wasn't capable of anything. And you
see in my distortion in my mind, the mental manifestation of my disease, it caused me
to do things that normally I wouldn't think of doing. So I went at a very early age, age
16. My mother threw me out of the house. And she threw me out of the house because I brought
home a gun, and I brought home a bottle of whiskey, and I brought home a roll of stolen
money. I was convinced that work was for horses and fools.
My father worked like a pig. And he got as dirty and tired as any man could get, and
I had no shoes. And I said, how would it work? So for years, I took what I wanted. I took
what I wanted wherever I could get it, and I hurt an awful lot of people. And I've stolen
an awful lot of money in my time. I ran with a mom down on the west side of New York. And
I'm not very proud of what I tell you here tonight, but it tells me in AA that I tell
you.
What it was like, and what I did, and what it's like now. So that's what I must do. I
don't ever want to forget the past. I want to keep that right in front of my eyes all
the time, because it makes me so grateful. And I'm able to come to AA as nasty as I was
and be accepted. You see, because I was not satisfied with stealing some money, I would
probably bash them across the bridge of their nose with a gun, too. Now, I don't like
anything. I don't like anything. I don't like anything. I don't like anything. I don't
want anyone to get the impression that I tell you these things because I like it. I
don't. It took me many, many years in AA to be able to bury my past. And I say, thank
God for AA and the new way of life that it is. Because the things that I think about
sometimes now, especially when the movement is up like it is now, too. I sometimes wake
up in the middle of the night, and I'm back to being what I used to be years ago in my
dreams.
And it's these nights that I appreciate AA. I appreciate AA so much. Because it's allowed
me to bury my garbage. It doesn't stink quite so badly now. When anything is useful, it
doesn't smell too badly. So I can stand the stink of me now, but I couldn't when I came
into AA. And I lost my first job on account of drinking. And my first job was a real man
for a mom. And I was a good real man. And I was a good real man for a mom. And I was
a good real man for a mom. When I was not a real man, I was a good real man, you see.
But you know how the alcoholic is. He wakes up in the morning. He's twelve years old and
scared. And he don't remember quite what happened the night before. And you go down and you
start asking those stupid questions, you know, like, How did it go last night? And they would
look at me in horror and they would say, Don't you know you drove the car? And I would say,
Well, I was kind of busy. You see, my name was, in New York, they used to call me Crazy
jacked you in Briago. Crazy jacked the drunken. And while I drove a car real well, you know,
and I've shot people, and I've been shot too. And I've driven cars at 90 miles an hour,
getting away from cops, from all kinds of nasty people in the back of me. And I don't
beg about it, but that's the way that it was. And yet, these same people called me in one
day, and they told me, Jack, you drink too much. And we're afraid that we can't use you
anymore. And they said, you know, someday you might take us to a police station instead
of taking a phone. And you don't remember too good. And of course, I denied it, but
they were right. They were absolutely right. Because I remember when I used to wake up,
and I used to reach out and smell my gun first, to see if it had been fired. And then
I would reach in my pocket and see if I had any money. And then I would reach in my pocket
and see if I had any money. And then I would reach in my pocket and see if I had any money.
And then I would reach in my pocket and see if I had any money. And then I would reach
under the bed, and I would take a big drink to belly that kid that I was, 12 years old
and scared. Well, I tell you that the alcoholic is two people. He's two people just exactly
like that. One hiding behind the other. And the one that we have to cover up the 12-year-old
scared kid is the one that we create with alcohol. And we become like that. And we become
what we think people want us to be. And we try so hard to be like the other guy, and
we can do it with booze. As you see, when I came into AA, I was still 12 years old and
scared. I was a big man, a big man, and with a kid's mind and a kid's heart. And what happened
to me after this is very, very nasty and indeed, because they fired me from my job, and I went
out on my own, and I got in a lot of trouble. I've been arrested over 125 times. And it's
not nice to stand up before a judge and not know what you've done. Stand there and listen,
and they accuse you of this and that, and you can't do anything but agree, because you
don't know. And these times that I was standing there with no recollection of what had happened,
with remorse filling my belly, it's the times that I wish I had been there. I wish I had
never, ever picked up a drink. And I would mentally make notes that this has got to
be the end, there was something wrong. I was not born to live the life that I was living,
and I was going to change. But the moment I got out of this place that I was in, I found
that a 12-year-old kid is not wanted anywhere. Nobody needs him, nobody wants him, and nobody
loves him, especially when he's a 12-year-old kid with a body of a man. So my time, my life,
my time was spent wishing that I had never been born, and hoping to God that some night
that I would be killed. And it was the way that it was. And then I got married. I went
away to sea shortly after I got married, because I couldn't stand the look that my wife gave
me. When I got up in the morning, I took a drink. And she would say, Jack, you know,
it's enough that we had last night, we were out, and now why are you out so early in the
morning?
And I said, Jack, I'm not going to be married. I'm not going to be married. I'm not going
to be married. I'm not going to be married. I'm not going to be married. I'm not going
to be married. And she would say, well, I just need one. But you see, I never ever
wanted to be called an alcoholic. I never wanted anybody to know that I was so dependent
on booze. I never wanted anybody in this world ever to think that I was like my father. My
father was a drunken bum. I was different. I had money. It was other people's money,
but I didn't care. I was not a drunken bum like my father. And I saw right down to the
bottom, I couldn't go any lower, trying not to be an alcoholic in spite of what I had
all the conditions. Well, I left home and I went to see because things were getting hot for me in
New York and Massachusetts and Connecticut, all over. I was wanted everywhere I went. I had been
in trouble, jumped bail in many places and got out, and I was having one hell of a time trying
to make a living still. And along the way, people used to try to help me, and they would come into
where I was sitting in a court or in jail, and priests and ministers and social workers, and they
say, you're such a nice young fellow, and we're going to help you. And I would just look at them
with one eye and I would say, yeah, I know. The first thing that I have to do is stop drinking,
right? And they say, that's right. And I would say, well, I can't. So you can stop right now and
leave. I don't need any help. Because I was firmly convinced that there was no way in this world to
live without drinking.
Because if I didn't drink, I was that 12-year-old kid. And who the hell needed a 12-year-old kid?
So there was no way in this world that I knew that I was doing it. When I left home and went to see,
my wife was quite upset. And I told her, well, it's better this way because I'm too hot here in
New York. She never knew exactly what I did, but I said, I can't get a job. I'll go to see. And I
was doing all right, really, until one day I found myself swimming. And I don't swim.
And I didn't know what had happened. And I asked the guy next to me if I could hold onto his life
jacket. And I asked him what happened. And he said, we were torpedoed. And I said, what is that?
And he explained that to me. And then I asked him, well, why would anybody do that? He said,
hey, stupid, there's a war going on. And I asked him, who was fighting? And he told me that. And I
said, geez, a guy could get hurt over here.
And, you know, they took us into England. They picked us up there for a while, took us into England.
And they asked me, did I want to get another ship or did I want to get flown home?
I didn't like to be hurt. I was scared skinny. But I was more scared of going home.
So I said, I'll take another ship. And they said, oh, you're a good boy.
So I developed the name Hero, don't you see?
And I wasn't a hero. I was drunk 24 hours a day. That's the only way I ever went anywhere, drunk.
I couldn't get on a ship otherwise, but I did, drunk. So I used to come home and see my wife on
one night and one day. And I would disappear the next morning to Bayonne, New Jersey and out on a
tanker again, all because I didn't want her to see me getting up in the morning. That's how important
it was for me not to be an alcoholic.
And I fought.
I fought it. I fought it all the way right to the bottom. Well, the bottom for me was one day coming
home on a hospital ship after being in a coma for 16 days. I had gotten beaten half the death of
Marseilles in France. I went into a prison, a real stockade. I was going to end the war all by myself.
And what they did to me was a disgrace. When I woke up, there was a doctor there and he said,
don't get excited, kid. He said, you're almost in New York and you are going home.
I'd like to kill him. I said, I'm not going home. And he said, you have to go home because you are
sick and you've been hurt very badly. He said, I had a fractured skull and I drilled a wire together
where all my ribs are caved in. I had a broken arm, stitches in every part of my body. And I said,
give me back my papers. I can't go home. Well, I went home after about two months in Oyster Bay,
Long Island, where they put crazy...
crazy semen. I came home to a woman that didn't know me. She didn't know the animal that I had
developed into. She was sitting there with her son, my son, and hers. It was only a little baby
at the time. And I said to her, where's the booze? And she said, what booze? She said, Jack, I live
here by myself. I have only myself and a little one here and I don't drink. And why do you want
booze? I said, well, don't ask me that. I said, well, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I don't want to ask any stupid questions just because I can get some. So she ran down and got
some. And she came back up and thought that was that. And about three hours later, she made
another trip. And now she knew. And when she knew, I didn't care anymore. Because I told her just
one thing. Take that stupid kid, get out in the street with him or go into the bedroom. He makes
too much noise. He bothers me. My nerves can't stand it. And I sat in the corner,
and I drank 24 hours a day. And I dreamed my dreams. And I was in Never Neverland. And my
wife took a look at me and she said, Jack, you're my husband and I need a husband. You're the father
of my boy and I need a father for my boy. I'm going to straighten you out. You're sick. And I
said, you're out of your mind and stay out of my business. Just leave me be. Because now you see
the secret is out.
I don't care anymore who knows or what.
I was not drinking desperately in order to stay alive and keep my sanity. Well, she helped me. She went
out one day and she shut me off in every bar and every delicate blessing for about 10 miles. I walked
into my favorite bar about 4 in the afternoon, and I usually got up and I asked for a drink. And he
almost had a stroke.
He said, Jack, please drink this.
turn around and walk out of here you're not getting anything to drink here today and i said why and he
said your wife was here this morning and she told me that if i give you one drink today she's going
to burn my bar down so i said well are you afraid of how you're stupid i went to my second favorite
bar and same thing make a long story short i got home about seven o'clock that evening without a
drink and i was sick and i said to her i'm about to kill you and she said before you kill me listen
to me if you want to drink i'll buy it for you but do me a favor come to new york with me and i thought
out and over i said is that the only way i'm gonna get a drink she said that's the only way
i'll buy you a drink if you get on the subway and come to new york
you know what it is to ride your subway to new york well you could die without drinking
i tell you it's a horrible or normal person but for an alcoholic to go under the river
and sit in the tunnel for 15 minutes out of this world but i was so desperate i agreed so she
bought me a drink and i said quick down the subway let's go and by the time i got to the
other end it had worn off and i come out of the subway so bad she brought me another one
and she said now we are going into that church and i looked at the church
and i said oh no i'm an irish catholic and that's a product from church i don't go with the protest
and churches and she said you dirty bum you haven't been near any church for 20 years and
now you're concerned all of a sudden about it i went into the church and it was an a.a meeting
and there was some jackass up here like i'm up here tonight this week
and i sat in the back and i asked her what it was and she said this is a
aid i'm going to help you i said yeah i know like everybody else wants to help me stop drinking
i said just watch what happens well the only thing i heard at that meeting that night was this
fellow up here and you know what he said don't take the food drink and you won't get drunk
and i said no kidding yeah and i asked my wife did he think that up there by himself
i mean he must
be a genius this time and i called him a dirty name in the back of the room
and i told him that if i got close enough to him i was going to kill him she got me out of there
just before the cops arrived and i got on the sidewalk and i said if you ever do that to me
again i'll bury you and him too don't ever do that to me again those people are all crazy
they steal a few stamps and they get concerned about it they said the wife throws them out and
they get concerned they run and tell you i'm sick i'm sick come back not me i don't need them
i don't need anybody in this world only me just give me back my gun and bring me loose and i'll
be all right well you know my wife was disgusted with me and she said jack i don't care if i never
see you again you're hopeless and helpless and she said you are just something else
and she left me and i don't know what happened how long it was the one
i got back home a couple days later and it was two cops in my apartment well you know how
cops and me got along if my hair was on fire and i was laying in the gutter
and it was a cop standing next to me i wouldn't ask him to spit on me to put the fire out
if there's any here tonight peace
peace it's all in the past i love you all
i love you i'm gonna have some better but i love you too
and these guys were sitting there because i i didn't understand why and i asked them why are
you here and they said well we got some news for you kid you almost killed your wife last
time and we've been sitting here waiting for you to come home and we're going to take you and at
the last time they were gonna do that and i said i wasn't even home and he says oh yes you were
And I couldn't for the life of me remember what I had done.
And she said, Jack, you're fighting Germans or Jacks or somebody again.
You're crazy.
You're going to kill me one day.
You're going to kill a baby too.
And I said, no, that's not me.
So I told the cops anyway to leave and they wouldn't.
So, you know, I threw them.
And they frowned on that in Brooklyn, you know.
They didn't like that at all.
And they went out and they got reinforcements and then they threw me.
And then for about a year we were playing king of the hill with my apartment, you know.
And I roamed around the streets of Brooklyn not knowing that I was going or coming.
And it was the worst period of my life because I was insane now.
My wife didn't want any part of me.
Nobody wanted any part of me.
And the only thing I would do is to get a hold of a cop and egg him on until he would make a pass at me or me him.
And we would go at it.
I want to tell you.
They would take me to back in an alley, three or four or five of them, on the back of the station house.
And they would wake me over good.
And I tell you, I have lost the sight in one eye.
I'm deaf in one ear.
My equilibrium is not too good.
My jaws have been kicked apart many, many times.
In fact, I talk kind of funny sometimes because my jaws have been put back together pretty sad.
My teeth up in the roof of my mouth have been broken.
My mouth has been broken off and stuffed in a straitjacket and put into Kings County Hospital, Bellevue.
I tell you, if you never woke up in a straitjacket in a hospital with your mouth all busted up and your head all stitched up and your ribs caved in and God only knows how many stitches in your body don't.
It's not nice.
Because the moment that you open your eyes, you know, you are back to being a 12-year-old scared kid again.
And you say, my God, what am I doing here?
And you know, it's bad enough to do it one time, but would you believe that I did it 12 times?
12 times.
I don't recommend it.
And I don't stand here and try and infest you how tough I am.
I'm not.
I'm not tougher than anybody else in this world.
It's just that I'm crazy.
When I pick up a drink, I'm insane.
And I do things that normally I wouldn't think of doing or be incapable of doing.
It's my disease at work, don't you see, when I drink.
So I would lower that hospital and I would pray and I would try and keep so quiet so they would take the jacket off me.
And at the respectable time, they would.
And at the respectable time, Lord, they would send me home.
And I would go home and I'd be so ashamed and full of remorse that I would wait till it got dark and I would sneak home.
And I would walk into a home.
And my wife would look at me and she'd say, well Jack, what are you going to do now?
And I'd say, well I don't know.
And I didn't know.
And I was so scared and I was so pitiful.
And I would sit in a corner and I would tell her I wouldn't make any noise.
Just let me sit here.
I'm not going to drink.
I can't drink no more.
And you know, I would sit in a corner and I'm 12 years old.
And who the hell needed me?
How long could you sit in a corner?
And my brother would come and he was a big, you know, jubilant fellow.
And he would say, come on, kid.
You come out of hospital, now you're all right.
And I'll take you downtown and buy you a job.
And I couldn't explain to him that I couldn't get on a subway.
And I couldn't fill out a form for a job.
I couldn't even speak to people.
I was petrified and stuff.
And I didn't know.
And I was so scared and I was so pitiful.
And I would sit in a corner and I would tell her I wouldn't make any noise.
Just let me sit here.
I'm not going to drink.
I can't drink no more.
And you know, I would sit in a corner and I'm 12 years old.
And who the hell needed me?
And how long could you sit in a corner?
And my brother would come and he was a big, you know, jubilant fellow.
And he would say, come on, kid.
You come out of hospital, now you're all right.
And I'll take you downtown and buy you a job.
And I couldn't explain to him that I couldn't get on a subway.
And I couldn't fill out a form for a job.
I couldn't even speak to people.
I was petrified inside.
I was just so full of fear that I was just one big blob of fear that I thought about.
If the phone rang, I would jump.
If somebody knocked on the door, I was ready to hide under the bed in terror.
The disease of alcoholism.
And I was sure that I would praise her.
My sister would come and she would scream at me.
And she would say, my husband is working two jobs to support me.
To support your family.
And you big, lazy bum, you sit there and you say you can't work.
Well, you see, how long could it go on before I would finally convince my wife that she should give me a dollar?
And as God is above me, all I wanted was one drink.
Just one.
So I could take the terror out of my belly.
And I could go down and get on a subway or a bus and go to New York or somewhere and get a job or do something.
Because I couldn't sit in a house for the rest of my life.
I couldn't even bear to have the kids walk near me.
I was so ashamed and full of terror, it was pitiful.
So she would look at me and say, I shouldn't do it, Jack, but I will.
So she gave me a dollar all the time, a dollar.
She said, please, only one.
And come right home.
Tonight.
And I would say, only one.
And she would say, God is above me, that's all that I wanted, one.
No more.
I didn't want any trouble.
And I would go down and have a one drink.
And it was like somebody turned a key in my head.
And all my good intentions went right out the window.
And the next thing you know, I'd be looking for that cop that beat on me last week.
And I would find him because all cops have the same face.
The next thing you know, I'd be back in the hospital and I would be half dead again.
Waiting and wondering and crying and praying for what's going wrong with me.
Why can't I be like other people?
And the doctor would come in here and say, well, you're back again.
And I would just look at him with all the hate that I could muster.
And I wouldn't dare answer him because he'd keep me in that stupid jacket.
And I would just stand there and say, my God, what am I doing to me?
And if I ever get out of this place, I'll never ever come back.
But like I told you, I came back 12 times.
Probably 12 times or something again.
Because two defectors met me.
And they carried me to a court.
And in the court was a judge that knew me.
And he said, Jack, we brought you here because we've got to explain something to you.
The doctors have given us a prognosis on you.
Three very fine doctors.
And they've given you five years to live.
And Jack, they say that if you live five years, you'll spend a lot of part in an institution
because you're suffering from what?
Brain.
The doctors also say that you're a homicidal maniac.
And you might let your family out overnight, not even know you did it.
And they say it's impossible for you to tell a difference between right and wrong.
And they say you'll never ever work another day in your life.
And they also recommend that you be removed from your home for the protection of your children.
And I looked at my wife, who was standing there, and I said, hey, Roz, is this what you want?
And she said, yeah, you bet your life that's what I want.
The children have been awarded to me, and that's the end of that.
And I'm going to raise them.
And we get out of our lives because you have never done anything but hurt us since the moment that we ever got together.
You have never done anything but hurt everyone you come in contact with.
Get out of our lives and leave us.
And if you come back, I'm going to kill you.
Now, this woman was a very naive, gentle woman.
And I had made a monster out of her.
And I looked at her, and I could see a different person.
She was so full of venom and hate that it was astounding.
And I just looked at her, and I said, you gave me that?
She said, I do.
She said, I'll get you while you're sleeping one night if you come back.
And I'll stick a knife in your belly, and they would do a thing to me because somebody should have done it a long time ago.
But he threw me out of that court that day.
And he put me on a subway for three days.
Three.
Right over the turnstile.
And they said, don't come back to Brooklyn, Don.
We had enough for you.
So I went to New York, and I was going to go down to Mulberry Street.
And I was going to get it going.
And I was going to do a lot of things.
No.
No.
It don't work that way.
This is the way that the alcoholic dreams that it's going to work.
Tomorrow will be all right.
Tomorrow will be better.
No.
Tomorrow is worse.
Because I never made Mulberry Street.
I made the other side of Canal.
And I lived on a valley in New York for about two and a half years.
And I lived in the snow and the rain.
And I never remember eating, shaving, bathing, nothing.
And I do remember waking up and finding myself full of blood.
And I would have holes in my head, and my skull would be split.
My mouth would be busted.
And somebody would say that I had fallen down the subway stairs or something.
I'd get hit with a cab or a bus.
Only thing I remember actually is the hate that I had.
I was so full of hate that it was pitiful.
And I used to live and I used to breathe hate.
I hated my mother, my father, my sisters, my brothers, my wife, my children.
And I cursed God every time that I opened my eyes.
You know, I used to lay on a bowery.
And I would say to myself, if I just shut my eyes a little bit, maybe it's only a bad dream.
Because before I opened my eyes, I could smell myself.
I was filthy with body lice.
I had no shoes.
I had no clothes.
I had nothing.
Hair hung down the back of my neck.
I was a mass of nothing.
And I would lay there and smell myself.
And I would say, no.
It can't be.
And you know how it is when you're a kid.
You used to close your eyes and you'd wake up again and you'd find that it was all a bad dream.
I tried to do that.
But every time I woke up,
I was still there.
And it was me that I was smelling.
And then the hate would set in.
Well, to make a long story short,
I always say that and I don't.
But I tried.
I woke up one day and I had a bottle and I tried to drink it.
And I had hemorrhage of the stomach.
And I was in a dirty toilet on a bowery in New York.
And I fell on my hands and knees.
I couldn't stand up.
And I literally watched myself running down a toilet bowl.
Every time I breathed, I bled.
And I was so weak, I couldn't move.
And it was at that moment that I looked at the bottle and I said,
to hell with it.
And why do I fight for bread?
And I threw the bottle over my shoulder and I got ready to die.
I knew that it was coming.
But you see, for the first time in my life,
I put my finger on the trouble.
I put my finger on the bottle and I said, it has to be.
That's the cause of my trouble.
And you know, I lay there for I don't know how long.
But no prayer that's uttered in despair goes unanswered.
And while I was laying there,
I began to get a very rapid fire collection of pictures
going flashing through my mind.
And I saw my wife and I saw my mother before she died.
And I saw a lot of strange things.
Fairly nice things.
Some bad things, but all good things mostly.
And then one picture I got
was a picture of that AA meeting I had been to
where that lad had said, don't take the first drink and you won't get drunk.
And it was like I was sitting up in one of the chandeliers
looking down at all these people.
And I could see them walking about and milling about
and drinking their coffee and the clean clothes they had.
And suddenly I knew.
And I remember what a revelation it was to me.
And I said, Jack, you know something?
You're a damn fool.
You had it and you blew it.
That was the answer.
And why didn't you listen?
And I remember almost crying.
And I said, why didn't I listen?
And then suddenly a thought came to me that maybe it wasn't too late.
And I said, oh my God, if only I could go to AA now.
Well, somehow I crawled out of that filthy dump that I live in.
And I got out onto the sidewalk somewhere.
And I made somebody understand what I wanted.
I don't know to this minute who that it was.
But I remember screaming at somebody.
And I remember the trouble that I had making them understand what I wanted
because my mouth was all busted up and my throat was infected.
And I couldn't speak too good.
I could barely see out of either eye.
And I must have been in apparition like a madman
trying to get somebody to call AA.
But somewhere out there, there was somebody that did.
And I remember them coming back and telling me,
all right, we called them, now sit down and don't get lost.
You see, because the alcoholic on a valley is in another world.
His mind may be here and his body goes there.
He don't know the difference.
He's very disjointed, disconnected.
So I remember what it was, sitting and waiting.
And I said, they're coming, they're coming and I have to sit here.
And I was so mentally sick.
My mind was so badly affected
that I had to keep that one thought in my mind all the time.
They're coming, don't move.
Stay here, the man said so.
And then I started to debate with myself
whether or not that was a dream that they were coming
or maybe I had just dreamed it.
And I sat there in the Never Never Land waiting for my sponsor to come.
And my sponsor came.
Now I'm a big Irish Catholic, you see.
And I hate minority groups, at least I did.
And if you were anything but an Irish Catholic and I stuck you up,
I wouldn't even give you a car fare.
You didn't count in this world, nothing.
There was nobody but Irish Catholics.
And yet now here I am, I don't know if that vet's door.
No cop would even lock me up.
My brothers were afraid to come near me.
My father was deadly afraid of me.
My sisters disowned me.
My wife wouldn't have any part of me.
And yet my sponsor came and he stood in front of me
and he said, my name is Sam Cohen and I'm here to help you.
A wonderful, beautiful little Jewish fellow.
And he had his wife with him and she couldn't stop gasping.
She kept saying, oh my God, oh my God.
And finally he said to her, Jean, it's all right.
And he said to me, he said, if you want to stop drinking,
I said, that's the only thing that I want in this world.
And he got up real close to me, you see, to hear what I was saying,
because I couldn't talk too good.
And I looked into his eyes.
And that's what I wanted.
He understood me.
And I said to him, I don't know what you could do for me,
but I hope you can help me.
And he said, that's why I came.
And he said, I want to tell you something now.
If you come with me and Jean, you'll be all right
and you don't have to drink no more.
Now, either he was the biggest idiot that walked the face of this earth,
or he was the smartest and most kind man you ever met.
He had to be one or the other because three doctors had said five years at the most
and I was pushing six.
And yet this guy looked at me and without a second thought,
you come with me and Jean and you don't have to drink no more.
And you'll be all right.
And you know something, the look in his eyes, I believed him.
So when I stand up here and say that my name is Jack Brennan, I'm an alcoholic,
and that I believe that this is a God-given and God-inspired program,
that's exactly what I mean.
I don't mean maybe or perhaps, I know.
I know.
I know with all my heart that there is no other way that I could be alive here tonight
and talk to you people.
And I'm not only one miracle.
There are some 600,000 of us.
Some may be a little more miracle than others, but all of us miracles.
Because anything that happened to me could conceivably happen to you
given enough time and booze.
Because this AA program or this AA disease
that we have, this alcoholism that we have,
is like a long, slow train ride that goes from wall to wall.
And if you persist and stay on the train, you're going to wind up at the wall.
Period.
The last stop, as I did.
But if you decide to get off halfway, that's to your benefit.
You are just as much an alcoholic as I am.
In fact, if anybody had to go to the wall at the last stop,
I don't think I would want to belong to this program.
Well, AA does work for everybody that comes in.
And it will work for me and it will work for you.
And I used to look down my nose at martini drinkers
until my sponsor one day said,
what's wrong with you, good shot?
You know how many ounces of alcohol are in a martini?
I said, no.
He said, three.
I almost fell off my stool.
I developed a new respect for martini drinkers.
Because I only drank one shot, one ounce at a time.
So you see, it's not what we take in in the way of alcohol,
what the alcohol does to us.
I decided that day,
I wanted what my friend said coming off of me.
And I went to AA.
And I went to AA on the arm of this little Jewish fellow and his wife.
And God rest him, he's dead now.
He died two weeks before Bill Wilson died.
But that man taught me everything that I know.
He taught me about love and he taught me about affection.
And he taught me about what's right and what's wrong.
He taught me about my higher power who I feared very greatly.
He taught me everything.
He was a fine, fine man.
And when they tell you here in AA that there is no religion,
you had best believe it.
Because there is no religion in AA.
There is a spiritual side to our program.
But you see, the AA program causes us to be spiritual.
It makes us and brings us to the point where people
will learn to love us and want us and need us.
And then we become spiritual.
I came to AA and I would have sat there for three months.
If I could have made three months,
I would have gladly died and been buried.
Because to me, three months was the end of the world.
If I could make three months sober, I would have made it.
But you see, my friend always has the last word.
I don't go one minute before I'm wanted.
And I don't stay one minute after I'm wanted.
Now, I don't like to say it,
but those three doctors that gave me five years to live,
almost 30 years ago,
well, two of them are dead.
And the third guy, he's not doing too good, I tell you.
He's not doing well at all.
And every time I see him, I tell him to take care of himself.
And there are normal people out there that need him.
And he looks at me and he laughs.
He says, I know your miracle.
And I say, that's right, doc.
And I love that man because he is one person that knows me so well.
But you see, I came into AA expecting nothing.
And I got the whole world back right in my hands.
My life was given back to me.
And people will say, you happy fellow.
And I say, you bet your life I'm happy.
Because you see, I came to AA over 25 years ago.
Twenty-five long years I've had to put my life back together
and get to know people and learn to love people
and learn to love myself too
in order to be able to love myself.
In order to be able to love you.
But you see, it wasn't easy for me.
I couldn't hardly speak.
I couldn't speak. I couldn't talk.
I couldn't see too well.
I had no clothes, no job.
Unemployable.
But I managed.
And I was so right here that if I can do it, anybody can do it.
And that's the point of this whole thing, you see.
Example.
Some poor guy sitting out there wondering who you are and where you're going.
You can do exactly as I did.
If you have the mind to.
All you must do is do as I did.
Come into AA, put your whole heart and your whole soul into it
and turn your life and will over to the care of God as you understand Him.
The rest is just drinking coffee, making friends, and going to meetings.
Your whole life will be taken care of, same as mine was.
You see, I came to AA waiting for three months, as I said.
And little by little I began to get on my feet and
I began to have enough health back in me so I could get a job washing dishes.
And finally I got myself a little room.
I was able to buy myself a pair of pants and a pair of shoes.
And I thought I had the world whipped.
I was so happy.
Because, you see, when I came to AA, I found what I was looking for
in the bottom of a bottle for so many years.
Understanding.
Nobody ever said to me, get that bum out of here, he stinks too bad, no?
They said, sit down, have a cup of coffee, and please come back.
We need you.
You see, immediately, they needed me.
And I couldn't understand it.
And I asked them, why do they need me?
Because, Jack, they need you.
But when they look at you, they know how fortunate they are.
And I brought that.
And then he said, you know, you're very useful around here.
You've helped an awful lot of people.
And I said, how do you figure that?
He said, well, everywhere we sit, our newcomer is next to you.
And we come in to watch you.
Good.
And if they keep drinking, they'll get like you.
And I thought that was delightful, you know.
I like that.
Oh, I said, that's good.
And so I was wanted, and I was needed.
And then one day Sam called and said to me, I could wash the dishes.
We had very lovely china cups.
And two weeks after I started washing dishes, they got paper cups.
Because I broke them all, you see.
But it didn't make any difference.
They loved me.
And one night Sam called and told me.
He says, Jack, I love you.
And I looked at him kind of funny.
I said, what the hell kind of way is that to talk, Sam?
You know, you're a man.
You know, you don't talk to me like that.
I never thought that there was anything wrong with you.
You know.
And he said, Jack, no.
He said, no, not what you think.
He said, we love you because you're an alcoholic.
I want you to think that over good.
Especially people out there that, you know, feel kind of upset and left alone.
We love you because you're an alcoholic.
Who in God's name ever loved you before AA because you're an alcoholic?
Isn't it the question not of loving you before?
Because you're an alcoholic.
But isn't it the way that people used to tolerate you, even your own family?
They love you in spite of you being an alcoholic.
But nobody ever loved you because you were one until you got here.
And that's the way that was with me.
So I began to appreciate things very good.
I was in AA for about two and a half years.
My wife came to me.
And I told Sam, I said, keep an eye on her.
She's up to no good.
I don't know what it is, but she's up to it.
And he said, Jack, let me talk with her.
So he talked with her.
And he came back and said, you're wrong.
I said, no, I'm not wrong.
I know that woman.
I know her good.
She's up to something.
I was scared of her.
But she came over and she spoke to me.
She said, I'm so happy you're sober.
I said, yeah, why?
And she just said, well, because I'm happy you're sober.
And I said, good.
If that's all you want, leave.
And you see, this is the animal.
This is the animal that the alcoholic becomes.
Trust nobody.
And little by little, she kept coming back.
And she assured me.
And no designs on me whatsoever.
Nothing.
And then one day, she said to me, you know, we're having a hard time home living.
We're on welfare.
You pay rent for a room.
Would you like to come home and sleep on a couch in the living room?
And I said, sure.
That would be all right.
Because I did want to help her out with the kids, you know.
I wasn't making much money.
Just enough to buy a room and eat with.
So I went home.
And it was another period of my life.
I slept on a couch in the living room.
And I was very happy.
See, I was always happy.
I didn't want too much.
Just a little bit.
I didn't want the whole lot.
I just wanted a little bit of the core.
And I got it.
I could watch the kids go to school now.
And I thought it was great.
And then one day, she said to me, isn't that couch getting a little hard?
And I said, yeah.
And I said, no.
Now you can see what alcohol will do to you.
And finally, she made it very clear.
She had to make an improper advances to me.
And finally, I went up to the Holy Mountain and I spoke to a monk up there.
And I said, my wife is making noise like a.
My woman.
My wife is making a noise like a wife again.
And he said, that's good.
Go home.
That's good.
I said, how the hell do you know it's good?
You're a monk.
And he said, I told you it's right.
Go home.
I said, I never figured that one out.
But I went home anyway.
And I was scared.
Oh, was I scared.
See, I was a big fellow.
but I was now first growing up
from that 12 year old kid
I was an old man
actually
but now I had to learn how to live all over again
and then I began to understand
what they say when they say it's a new way of life
it's not just a matter
of being sober, if I was just sober I'd rather be drunk
and I started
to grow
and my wife helped me so much
everything that I did
she was there, she taught me how to speak
in front of a mirror down the basement when the kids went to bed
my daughter taught me
how to hold a knife and a fork
because my hand had been
very badly injured and I dropped
the fork all the time
and she'd take a little hand and hold it
on top of me and she'd say come on Pop you can do it
hold it tight
and I would hold it and throw meat with it
and she'd say
well it worked
and my son, my older boy there
he used to follow me around
and pick up my glasses for me
keep putting them back on my pocket
because my mind was gone
very forgetful, very stupid
but very happy
I was home again
I was a man again
I was a husband
and I was a father
this cycle had come complete
I thought
but my friend upstairs
a very magnificent fellow
and if you ain't on his side
or you don't believe that you can be
you best think again
because I was in AA for a couple of years
like that with my wife and
I put the guy out of the gutter
and I took him home
he had no place to stay
and my wife was of a different religion than I was
and I couldn't go to church
she was very well because you know how it is
and my children weren't baptized
and you know something
this guy I picked out of the gutter
and took him home to live with me
turned out to be a very very fine lad
he had studied to be a priest years previous
and my wife looked at him and me
and we ran about together you know
and she started asking questions
next thing you know she went up to church
she was converted
and then my two kids were baptized
on the same month that I was married on
the Saturday morning
and that Saturday night
I went to my AA meeting in the basement
in that same church
so you see
all my impossible things became easy
because one night I had said to Sam Cohn
Sam I owe you my life
and he said you're crazy
you don't mean nothing
you're an idiot
you're stupid
your doctors were right
you got a wet brain
who's going to acidate you
and I said Sam don't talk to me like that
you hurt me
and he said I wish I could hurt you
if I was a little bigger I would
he said you owe everything to the higher power
not me
he said he sent me out to get you
you stupid thing
he must love you pretty good
and you know he said
what I did for you was done for me
so we're even
the guy that did it for me had it done for him
carried all the way back to the first
Bill Wilson got it from the higher power
so he said if you want to turn your life a little over to him
you go ahead and talk to him
talk to him just like you talked to me
and then he thought it over
and he said no you better clean up a little bit first
so that night I did
I went outside and I told my friend that's fair
you know
I said I ain't doing too good till now
not too good
hurt a lot of people
did a lot of nasty things
but you know I'm an alcoholic
you know that because you brought me there
you ain't
I said but from here on in
if you tell me what to do
I'll do it
no questions asked
I'll do it
I want to thank you for what I got so far
and I said I am just so happy
please help me
and he's helped me ever since
he's told me what to do
a lot of times you know I look at it
and I see situations
and I say no
that's not right
you're making a boo-boo friend
and you know I said but that's not
I'll do it
but I don't think it's right
and if you get any trouble
don't blame me
so I do what I know is wrong
and it comes out right
then I say well go ahead lad
after all that's why you're up there
and I'm here
I'm only moving
but I've learned over the years
I trust him implicitly
I have enough faith
everybody in this room
and you
because my eyes have watched miracles
I know
this is a God-given courage by a program
you see
I have two children
and I have three
I was in AA about five years
and my wife gave birth to a
third child, a boy
he's my AA baby
19 years old
and I go to the college in Pennsylvania
a little small, quicker college
and he's a beautiful boy
very gentle, very kind
very considerate
and he's also a genius
he came out in the national merit scholarship competitions
the top 0.5% in the whole country
this is what AA will do
if there's anybody here that thinks AA don't work
you're wrong
AA does work
I'm here to tell you that it does
I'll prove it again
because you see
my son, my older boy graduated from school
he went to Marine Corps
and one day two MPs came to the door
and he said we're looking for Joseph
and she said he's in Parasite
and my wife
and she called me on a job
I said what's wrong
that kid hasn't been on the base for two months
I said it's impossible
you see my father was an alcoholic
and my son, I'm an alcoholic
and my son is an alcoholic
and for 12 long years
he knocked his brains out
and my wife said the same thing
that my mother said
not two in one family
and I said yeah two in one family
Raj you better check that out
alright does your friend do this to me Jack
I said I don't know
I don't know
but it's here
you best learn to live with it
and I said he has his reasons
for everything that he does
so you see my wife was torn
with this beautiful young boy
and my beautiful daughter
and this alcoholic son
beautiful but alcoholic
and she said why can't we live just so nicely
first I had you
and now I gotta go through the whole thing over with him
and God bless her she did
because we have gone through
to visit him in the state prison
he'd been a year and a day flat
and you know what it is for me to go and watch my son behind bars
it's not easy
but to go into a bowery and see him laying in the same gutter that I was laying in
and have him tell me Papa I'm glad I'm not like you
I can think you can
there were some so blind that they can't see
and some can't see
because they refuse to
well to make a long story short
I'm going to get the hell out of here right now
because I know you'll both get nervous
on last December
my wife and I had a very beautiful Christmas
my son who never came near the house for six years
all we heard of him was police calls here and there
terrible tragedies in his life
but he called up and about 20th of
December
he said Papa I'm in Rochester, New York
I'm at the end of my rope I can't go no further
he says I've got a wife and I've got a baby
he says I want to come home I want to go to AA
then I said good come on home
he said don't have any money I sent him money
came home on a bus the next day
and my son came home from college
my daughter came home from Syracuse
with her baby
and we had a beautiful day
oh it was a lovely Christmas
a whole week of nothing going wrong
beautiful
and then he went home to their respective homes
and my wife and I sighed
and we just gloried in AA
and higher power
and we talked so good she said
I'll never doubt him again
I said good
now you know how I feel
and you know we just felt glad to be alive
and we had nobody home but just me and home the dog
and yet we felt so good
well I was to go to Midland Texas on 22nd of January
and my son was going to AA everything was fine
and on Tuesday of that week
22nd was on a Friday I believe
and we had tickets to leave on Friday
he decided his son would come back
and you know on Tuesday I got very upset
and I couldn't figure it out
I went home I called my wife
I don't feel right
I said I feel like you know
something's bad
and she said oh it's your nonsense
you know it's your disease showing
and I said maybe
Wednesday was worse
Thursday was even worse
it was so bad
that I went to the airport and changed my tickets
and I came home Thursday night
a Friday morning rather
and I told her I said I'm not going Friday morning
I said I'll change it to Saturday
she said you shouldn't have done that
you're very tired
you've been working very hard
you need to rest
all your friends in Texas won't see you
I said I'm going Saturday
and that's that period
well Friday night I went to bed
and I was extremely upset
and my wife looked at me and she said
Jack you know
I only wish to God that there was something I could do for you
you look so terribly unhappy
and I said I am
and I don't know why
so just go to bed please
and leave me be
I'll be alright
I'll read my book for a little while
I'll be alright
so I read my book for a half hour
my little bible
and tried to calm myself down
and I fell into a very fitful sleep
and about 1.30 she woke me up
and she said Jack I'm having trouble
I can't breathe
and you know I took her downstairs
and I helped her breathe
until the ambulance got there
and I put her in the ambulance
and I followed the ambulance to the hospital in a car
and I never see her again
5 o'clock that morning she was dead
and we buried her properly up there
in a little town where I live
and I go to see her once in a while
and I'm not unhappy
I'm lonesome but I'm not unhappy
you see because when I came out of that hospital
that particular morning I had no shade on
I had it in a hurry
it was January 22
it was bitter cold in New York
and I stood there in the park
and there were no lights
and it was dark and it was cold
and I asked my friend upstairs
and I said what do you do to me
and you know I was a little upset
and I just couldn't figure it out
I wasn't upset where I lived
be wild
but just upset inside
I just didn't understand
I said why would you do that to me now
now that everything is good
and we're first born to live
and now she's dead
and I told them
I said when I bury her
I'm going to bury half of me
how am I ever going to get along without her
because everything I did she helped me with
I couldn't even book a meeting without her
and I couldn't answer the phone without her
I said what am I going to do now
well you know the answer came to me there in that yard
in that hospital yard
the answer came to me
that it could have been quite different
it could have been that I had died on the ballroom
and never knew this woman again
it could have been that I never had a third son
and suddenly it dawned on me
I was giving back my life
and my wife
and my children
and I had them for 25 long years
where I was able to make a new life for me
and prove to them
that I did love them
and that I was a father and a husband
and she died extremely happy
and I tell you
nobody ever going to get out of this world alive
and if I have to go
I hope that I go exactly the same way
so you see I don't fear death
and I don't fear life
I fear nothing anymore
because I realize how good my friend upstairs is to me
a sick alcoholic
so that day I knew what my answer was
and I jumped in the car and I didn't go home
I went right down to Pennsylvania
and I picked up my son
and I said John we got a problem
he says I know
I could tell by your face
and he said well that's alright pal
he said she's up there now
and she's directing your friend upstairs
telling them what to do
and he says you got an open line right now
for the higher power
so now I look at my son
I see my wife
I look at my son and I see God
I look at you people and I see life
I'm the richest man in this world
I have everything that I need
I have everything that I could possibly need
not everything that I want
but everything that I need
I live well
I sleep well
because I have peace in my heart
I don't know what serenity is
but peace I have in my heart
because I know that each day when I get up
I say my little prayer
and those yellow cards on both ends
are my little prayer
and if you'd like to join me tomorrow do
because you see each day that I get up
I must remember my name is Jack Brent
I'm an alcoholic
and I must point myself in the right direction
and when I get up in the morning
I don't do anything
until I say my little prayer
it's called secret
I meet my God in the morning
when my day is at its best
and his presence comes like sunrise
like a glory in my breast
and all day long his presence lingers
and all day long he stays with me
and we sail in perfect calmness
for a very troubled sea
so I think I know the secret length
of many a troubled way
you must seek him in the morning
if you want him throughout the day
there's no more that I can tell you
I'm very happy to be here
I wish you all love
and I wish you all everything
that the higher power has in store for you
and I would remind you too
and if I can do it
you can do it too
and I'd like to leave you all with a little blessing
that I love so well
may the roads rise with you
may the wind always be at your back
may the sun gently warm your face
and the rain softly fall on your fields
and until we meet again
may the good Lord hold us all in the hollow of his hand
thank you and God bless you