Even the Committee in My Head Was Getting Sober – Beth H.

Good morning. My name is Beth Hartley. I'm an alcoholic. Because of the grace of God and the fellowship and steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and sponsorship, I've been sober since June 26, 1988. I want to thank Doug and the committee for inviting me and Janelle for picking me up at the airport. That went smoothly. I've had a really good time here. It's always an honor and a privilege to participate with Alcoholics Anonymous. As with most of you, I didn't always get invited back places a lot. Or a lot of times my reputation preceded me and I just didn't get invited at all. So it was, and it's always a treat to be where my sponsor is. We, you know, I don't live where she lives. And it's just really exciting for me to actually get to spend a weekend with her in person. And we talked a little bit yesterday about the fellowship within a fellowship when you're sponsored and the other people. And I have a couple of sister pigeons here, you know. It's like everywhere I go, there are friends already there. And it's just a wonderful thing. I'm a member, my home group is the Principals Group of Raleigh, North Carolina. Now you might think that's kind of a far drive from Cincinnati. I'm just very dedicated. No, I actually relocated to North Carolina in December. So when they invited me, I was from Cincinnati. But I am now a resident of Cary, North Carolina. And every time I go to Cary, North Carolina, I'm a resident of Cary, North Carolina. And everyone who lives there tells me that Cary stands for Containment Area for Relocated Yankees. So I landed in the right place. But the Principals Group of Raleigh meets Tuesday night and Thursday night at 8 o'clock. Tuesday night is a closed literature study. Thursday night is an open speaker meeting. And if you're ever in the area, please call us and please come. We'd love to have you. I already told you I have a sponsor. I sponsor other women. I have a home group. I have a sobriety date. You know, I participate in Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's what's made the difference. I was not one of those people who walked through the doors the first time, said, Thank God I'm home. I want what you have, and lived happily ever after. So, you know, if you didn't walk in the doors and go, Oh, thank God I'm home, it's okay. There's more of us. But I do, you know, the difference was in June of 1988, I just gave up and dove in. I quit trying to do it my way. And I have really, from that day to this, never not done Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm very grateful for that. I also want to tell you a little about my family at the beginning, because sometimes I kind of get on a roll talking about me and forget. I have remarried in Alcoholics Anonymous. My husband, Chuck, is also a sober member, and he sends his love. Many of you know him. My children are 19 and 21 years old. They were 4 and 6 when I got sober. They've grown up here in Alcoholics Anonymous, and they know it's a safe place. They are both in the Army. If you saw me on and off with a cell phone in my ear yesterday, my daughter deployed for South Korea yesterday. So, you know, we're kind of like, she should have landed 8 hours ago, and I haven't heard that she didn't. So, you know, I assume she's through customs by now. My son is at Fort Benning. So he's thrilled because they're teaching him how to fire machine guns. It just doesn't get much better than that. He came home from the recruiter and said, they're going to teach me to shoot a machine gun while I'm skiing. And we're just like, oh, good, honey, that's great. But, you know, people ask me if I'm worried. I'm worried about that. And I think, you know, I know where he's been hanging out for the last three years, and I figure his odds are better now he's trained and armed. But he's very happy there. He's figured out he does better in structure, and it's certainly structured there. They have a very clear idea of who they want him to be, and that's going well for him. So, you know, my children are employed and fed, and my husband's in North Carolina at work today. I also, Alcoholics Anonymous wasn't a new thing to me. I didn't have the luxury of sitting in bars going, oh, yeah, I'm alcoholic, oh, well, because my dad joined Alcoholics Anonymous when I was seven years old. And periodically, you know, Friday nights, I was the little kid in the corner at the open meeting, coloring, you know, while they had their meeting. And if you had asked me, I could have told you, you know, with certainty, that AA. It was all old guys who drank coffee and ate donuts and smoked, because I'd seen it myself, you know. I'd been there. Now, I'm sure they were 30, you know, but I was in second grade. They looked pretty old to me. And, you know, but what happened because of that, and I think to some extent is part of my son's problem, is that, you know, one, when I started getting into trouble, it was my parents' solution. It was my father's solution. And two, I knew, don't ever, like, even, I didn't even think to myself, I wonder. I'm not going to be here if I'm alcoholic, because I knew somebody would hear me and hand me a meeting schedule. And, you know, so I didn't have that crazy, I'm an only child. I didn't have, you know, we didn't have a violent home. We didn't, my mom's a cupboard door slammer. That's about it. And we didn't have drinking. You know, we didn't, it just, the older I got, the better life at our house got, you know. But I had the thinking. I mean, I was one of those, I call it just kind of instant alcoholics, just add beer and I'm there. My thinking was in place long before my drinking. I had some principles as a child that I know now my parents never taught me, but it was like Larcine was saying, you know, information comes in from nowhere, lands here, becomes fact. And I knew that you just, you know, you don't ever tell anybody when you're wrong. For God's sakes, never let them know that you don't know. You know, it's not all right not to know. Whatever it is, you know, you can't, I used to feel bad for kids to ask questions in school, because now the whole class knows that. You know, I'm not going to ask questions that you don't know, you know. Why would you ask? And, you know, if you can't win, why play? You know, and if I wasn't good at something by the second or third try, I just obviously wasn't meant to do it. So why should I, you know, why should I bother? And I didn't realize, you know, when my daughter, Peg can tell you, when my daughter was young, we knew she was going to drink. I mean, we knew. We used to say, you know, most people save for college. And we're saving for treatment. And, but she took a turn somewhere in middle school and just started going off in a direction that was foreign to us, which we now know as normal. So there's a couple of stories I always tell about her, because, you know, this first thing happened when she was 11. And, you know, I can look back at where I was when I was 11, and I wasn't drinking. I didn't drink until I was 15. If I'd known it was going to be important, I would have started earlier. But, you know, I wasn't drinking at 11. But, you know, here's the difference between the way she thinks and the way I thought. She wanted to be on a swim team. A lot of her friends were swimming. And she hadn't really had much experience in the water. So we got her a few lessons, you know, so she could stay afloat. And she went and tried out for the swim team. And the coach said, okay, you can be on the team, but you should practice with the nine-year-olds because you can't, you know, you can't keep up with your age group yet. And that was all right with her, you know. Now, I would have been right then, hey, I'm sorry, but I'm 11, you know. Those are the little kids. I can't swim with the little kids. What would people say? And, but she wanted to swim, so that was okay. And she went to her first swim meet, and it was a big, you know, a USS meet where they just have heats and they post the results with your name so anybody who walks by can see how you did. And she was 70th out of 72 in her first race. And she went back the next day. You know. And we told her, okay, swimming is competitive, but you're also competing against yourself, you know. Now you have this baseline time. And if you beat your time, even if you don't win, you've had a successful race. And I was telling her that thinking, yeah, right. You know. I mean, this is the stuff that you just, it's in the parent handbook under, you know, esteem building. This is what you tell your children. I didn't buy it when my parents told me, you know. So that was okay with her, you know. Now the rest of that story is that two years later she was a state double A swimmer, you know. She was in the Junior Olympics at Keating in Cincinnati. And I would have missed every bit of that because they told me to swim with a nine-year-old, you know. Somewhere along the line, Sarah picked up, set a goal, worked for the goal, achieved the goal. That went right over my head, you know. Give me the goal. That's what I want. And she, so, you know, we started to suspect there was something wrong with her then. We were kind of a little worried. And then when she started high school, I guess her junior year, she came home. They opened a Starbucks in our town. And she came home after the first day of school and said, you know, we went to Starbucks after school. And I said, God, that's great, honey. Who did you go with? And she said, oh, I went with Lindsey and Katie and Jennifer. And I said, oh, her. And she just looked at me. She's like, for God's sake. I'm going to go with her. For God's sake, mom, that was sixth grade. Could you let it go? So, you know, we just finally told her it looks like there should be one mature person in every house and it looks like it's you. Because she just doesn't think like we think, you know. She doesn't hold a resentment. She doesn't, you know, she, I don't know. We don't know what to do with her. But now she's the Army's problem. You know. So anyway, clearly you can see, you know, even as a kid, I was obsessed with how's it going to look? What will you think? What are you saying about me? You know, I mean, it's very important to me that you knew who I was, but don't talk about me. Now, how I was going to achieve that, I don't know. But I couldn't, you know, it's like my life was a spectator sport and I was the one watching. I was out here with this wide angle lens watching all of you watch me all the time. And I couldn't take a step over here without being aware how it looked to you over here, you know. And if I would have one good friend at a time and don't talk to my friend because she might like you better. And then I'll have to get another friend and you guys will be talking about me and you'll tell their friends and they'll tell their friends and they'll tell their friends. And then, you know, I just couldn't cope with the thought that somebody was talking bad about me or that I would look bad. And so a lot of, you know, a lot of non-participation in sports really was out of fear of looking bad. It did work in my favor later. I had a reputation in town as somewhat of a tough broad and it cracks me up because I've never thrown a punch in anger. Now, I didn't have any high moral standing on that. I was just afraid of getting humiliated in public, you know. But it worked for me so I just went with it. Anyway, so, you know, before I drank, I was just a frenzy of activity. I was in junior high, I was, you know, pep club, band, you know, high school, cheerleading, student council. The whole, I was just busy. And a lot of it was because I couldn't stand to be alone with myself. I couldn't, if I had ten minutes to myself, the voices in my head would start and say, oh yeah, but if anybody knew you did this in third grade, you'd be an outcast. And if anybody knew you did this, you know, it's like everything I'd ever done just followed me around in a sign on my forehead. And I actually took my first geographic cure after middle school. I went to a public high, to a public school. I'd been in semi-private because I thought, well, if you'd gone to school with the same 26 people since kindergarten, you would hate them all too, you know. And, you know, Dale got along fine after I left. So I, I, but I went to public school and I was this frenzy of activity. And, and I think Carl talked about it last night that, you know, once I drank, those activities just started to go away, one by one by one, you know, no cheerleading, no, my grades. In the first year I drank, my grades plunged, my friends changed, my appearance changed, I totaled a car. I mean, I was just a poster child for adolescent treatment. But it was the 70s and adolescent treatment wasn't trendy. And, and I just kind of skated through without much consequence. I, I was kind of like that, that guy in the cartoons that walks down the sidewalk and the safes and the pianos are falling behind him. You know, just, he just kind of wanders through life oblivious. And that's how it was for me. I would have consequences, but they were never what they should have been. You know, I, I, I got caught skipping school. They, they suspended us, you know, as I suppose they should have. I didn't think so at the time. It snowed the next day, so there was no school. So, like, no suspension on my record, you know, it was a day off. And that's the kind of stuff that happened to me. And I just counted on it, you know. And, and I, I've come, you know, now I kind of walk through life and know there's that faith that God is there. And I don't know if it was faith in God before or just stupidity, but for whatever reason I would just forge on ahead and things would kind of work out in my wake, you know, or I would move. And, uh, so I, I took a drink at 15. By now my friends were starting to experiment with alcohol. They were falling down and throwing up and just looking bad in general and I didn't want to do that. So I just kind of put a glow on the first time. I didn't, I didn't get falling down drunk. I didn't, you know, I just, I just kind of got happy and, and it was, I just, I just loved it, you know. I wouldn't have told you I was uptight before, but, um, I certainly relaxed when I drank. And the next night I took my best friend out so I'd have somebody to drink with, you know. And I got her drunk. And that friendship didn't last another year because we did not drink the same, you know. We did not drink the same. And like I said, my friends changed and, uh, I, I graduated from high school at 17, mostly because I didn't drink until I was 15. And, uh, and I went off to a, uh, Big Ten school in the Midwest, a 17-year-old freshman, and realized to my horror once I got there that I'd settled in the middle of a 21 state. Um, and that was, you know, I, I, I had a .8 at the end of my first semester, um, going in with, with high, high entrance exam scores, you know. But I couldn't, I couldn't go to class. Now, I couldn't have told you at the time that it was fear. I didn't particularly, I didn't consider myself fearful. But what I know now is, you know, the whole art of conversation escaped me, you know. Well, it's hard to have a conversation when you only listen to half of a sentence and you're up here choosing from your multiple choice answers based on how it's going to look to everybody else. You know, I, I never really had a conversation until I got sober. I remember. I was, you know, three or four months sober talking to somebody and realizing in the middle like, I'm just talking. I mean, we're just, we're just having a conversation. I was like, they talk and I talk? This is so cool. You know, I, I never did that before. And, um, and in college, you know, part of my problem was, you know, again, I know now, and this whole frenzy of activity was about that just being Beth wasn't enough. You know, just being Beth was not enough. I had to be Beth the cheerleader, Beth, Jim and Sally's daughter, Beth the student council member, you know, and, and if I went into class, you know, the first day there'd be like a person, two chairs, a person, two chairs, you know, and I can remember starting the second semester thinking I am sitting by somebody this time, you know, I mean, I'm going to talk to somebody. And I would get in there and I'd say, hi, my name's Beth. And they might say, hi, my name's Phil. And, you know, it's, I know it's my turn to talk. Um, but I'm just looking at them thinking I know I should say something, you know, and, and then the voice is in my head. My head would start saying something. You're just staring at them. You look like an idiot. Well, don't talk now. You've been staring at them five minutes. If you talk now, you'll look stupider, you know. And finally they would concur that I should just turn around and leave, you know. And, uh, I just couldn't, I didn't understand how do you have a conversation. I couldn't do it. You know, because what will you think of me if I say the wrong thing? So I just, I just hid in my room and, and, you know, I did, I grew up in a college town. I went to college. I was in the 70s. Um, you know, drugs were available. I'm sure I got here sooner because of them. Um, I didn't struggle with am I an addict though. Uh, because when I look back, how do I say, the more I, the farther I got into my alcoholism, one by one by one as the drugs interfered with my drinking, the drugs had to go. You know, they had to go. I just, I quit smoking dope by the time I was 25 because if I'd had two beers first and smoked a joint, I was paralyzed. And you can't drink if you can't move. So the dope had to go. You know, and, uh, and there, there were, there were other drugs that just, you know, all that, all they meant was I would black out at 8 o'clock instead of midnight. So, you know, I didn't like them. And, and, um, you know, cocaine was kind of my I'm not drinking drug. Um, not a real big challenge to not drink, uh, with that. Um, and then, you know, my one favorite I still, I still reminisce about every now and then is just, you know, with the diet pills because it's like you could, I was skinny. I could drink for days and my house was clean. I, it was the only time I could ever do all those things at once, you know. I, because I really, I could drink or. I never could drink and. I really admire people that could go to college and drink. I had to go to college or drink, you know. And drinking won. I mean, I, I left college and I ended up moving to Florida because, um, I always knew Ohio was my problem. I was born in California, in Northern California where it's beautiful. My parents moved to Ohio when I was two and a half. And that was my first resentment in fourth grade when I figured out, you know, what that looked like and where I was living. Um, and so I knew Ohio was my problem and this small town is my problem. And, uh, I ended up taking off to Florida with a friend of mine because he knew somebody down there. And I didn't tell anybody I was going, you know. Um, I know now I was really running away from home. It was pointed out to me later. I was 19 and I could have just left. But I didn't know, you know. It just took me that long to get out. And, um, and I went down to a small town in Florida which at the time, it's much larger now, but at the time it was right on the gulf. And it was three traffic lights and two Dairy Queens and a dog track. And, and, uh, I mean those were my kind of people down there. Up around here, you know, when it hits 80 you can drink in the summer no matter what time it is. If it's warm you can have a beer. And down there it was 80 at 8 o'clock in the morning. So, hey, you know, um, and I, the whole town was three miles long. And people bought beer on this end of town to drink on the way to the bar on this end of town. I mean those were my people. And, um, and I got a job down there as I had worked in a convenience store in Ohio. So there was one hiring. They had three of those in this three traffic light town. And I, I got a job at one because I had experience. You know, I was over 18. I was 19. And I had experience. And I didn't know that down there it was so transient that if you showed up at work three days in a row you were management material. So. And I called mom. I'm like, hey, I'm assistant manager at this store. You know. And she said to me then what she said a lot of times after that which was how can you do something this stupid and land on your feet. You know. But I just always did. And, uh, so I was assistant manager at this store. And, you know, I guess the other thing I should tell you before I forget is that I loved to drink. I mean I loved to drink. My day just went better with a drink. Why wouldn't you drink in the morning if you could? I mean I just, I, you know, in high school you have to drink in the morning because you have to sober up at 4 o'clock. That's how your parents get home. So I never, I never had that, you know, crossing the line thing on morning drinking. I just, you know, my day just went better and I had a huge capacity for alcohol. I drank with the big boys because I could. You know. Because I could. I didn't drink with women because I didn't have to. And, uh, you know, women were, were competition to me or they were of no consequence. Or every now and then there was one who could see right through me. And so I couldn't hang around with her, you know. But I just, you know, I just. They just, they giggled or they fell down or they threw up or they were hitting on the guy I liked. Or they were looking for me because I was screwing the guy they liked. And, you know, it was just way too complicated to hang out with them. And I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. Of course, what's the first thing they tell you? Hang with the women, honey. You know. And it was just like hearing the gates of hell slam shut. It's like, bad enough I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous. You want me to hang with the women? Oh, good. And, uh, I was, I was. When she, when she read A Vision for You, I always laughed too. Because, I mean, I was, I was 25 the first time I came around. And I was probably younger than that. Anyway, you know, are we to be stupid, boring, and glum? And I can remember coming to Alcoholics Anonymous and saying, yeah, but what do you do for fun? And they, they go, we go bowling and we go out for coffee and we have dances. And I'm going, well, yeah, but what do you do for fun? You know. And, of course, a year sober, I'm telling the newcomer, we go bowling and we go out for coffee and we have dances. It's great. You know. So your, your attitude and outlook on life does change. Um. So, anyway, I was down in Florida. I got fired from this job because my drinking started to catch up with me. And, uh, I was having to look at maybe coming back to Ohio because I just couldn't, you know, I couldn't take care of myself. I couldn't support myself. But coming back to Ohio would have meant admitting I had made a mistake. And, you know. I didn't know how to do that. So, you know, as luck would have it, this guy moved into town down there. Uh, who, he hadn't, he'd moved in from California and been there very long. So my reputation hadn't caught up to him yet. And, uh, and we fell in love because I thought that would be a good idea. You know, I just kind of moved into his house and never left. And, um, I mean, he was like, he had everything I was looking for. He had a house, a car, and a job. You know. And, and on top of that, he was like six foot two with tattoos and a Harley. I mean, it just, you know, God had smiled on me again. And, uh, and so we started this five year dance of death. You know, that just was, it was crazy. And, I mean, it wasn't a violent relationship. It just, it was just a goofy relationship is what it was. But, and who knows if he's alcoholic. I have my suspicions. But, you know, it was real easy to look good next to me. And, uh, he keeps marrying other people who act just like I did. So we may never know. But, you know, we started, I know there were a lot of days that we were counting our change to see if we had enough to get two beers. So I'll leave it at that. But we did, we got married. I had both of my children in this marriage. And, you know, they are, they are the one bright spot that came out of that. We, uh, we did the same kind of stuff I did before. You know, when our son was six months old, we went to Key West for the weekend. And on Fourth of July, we came back on Tuesday. We moved to the Keys on Friday. Because, hey, we like it. Let's go. And, you know, six month old baby and $400, you know. Hi, Mom. We moved to the Keys. You know. Don't worry. We have a restaurant manager at this restaurant. You know. I know. You could just hear her head in her hands. And, uh, that this restaurant was at an oceanfront resort in the Keys. And I ended up moving into the night audit. And, you know, when I read Bill's story and he said I had arrived, I knew what he meant. You know, I'm, I mean, I'm in the Keys. I was 23 years old. I was a night auditor at this oceanfront resort. I didn't even know what a night auditor did when I applied for the job. But I thought, I went and said, oh, and by the way, the baby has to come to work with me. But we have cribs here. No big deal. And I was like, oh, I'm going to hire me because I couldn't believe, you know, that I would actually propose it. But I got there. And the first thing I found out was, you know, there are seven bars and three restaurants on the property. And I have the Keys to all seven bars now. And they were going to pay me. I mean, they could have just given me the Keys. And they paid me, like, almost twice what I had been making in the restaurant. I mean, it was just, and I, you know, now I'm Beth the night auditor. And that was a great place. I mean, that was a great, I look back. Nobody could have run a business like that, you know, because it just was, you have places in your life where you look back and it's just so surreal that, you know, if not for witnesses, you wouldn't be sure it really happened. You know, this place was like that. I mean, it was just, you know, drinks everywhere. We had all the drug money from Miami at our resort. The old money was down the road at the other place. But, you know, it was like cigarette boats and fast money and $100 bills. And, you know, all the security guards were bikers. And, you know, these are my people. And it was just a wonderful place to work. I loved that job. I got fired because I went in at happy hour. And I was still there at 11 when I had to clock in. And they were a little unhappy with me over that. So they fired me. And that was 1983. And I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to the Key Largo Tuesday night meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I said I was an alcoholic. And it's the first time I had ever uttered that A word in the same breath with my name. Because I told you, you know, they would have handed me a schedule. And I called my dad. And I told him that I went to a meeting. Because I had periodically visited a meeting with him when I would be in town. But I would just, they would go around the room and introduce themselves. And I would say, my name is Beth. I'm with him. And so I called dad. Told him I went to AA. Then I went to my boss. And said, I know I have a problem. I'm going to Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, once again, the piano crashing behind me. They had moved the weekend girl up to full time. She didn't want to work full time. Everybody hated her. So I got my job back. So I went to the Friday night Key Largo meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And said, I got my job back. And I'm thinking, yeah, this AA stuff works. You know. And I was done with AA. You know. I mean, you were very nice. You know. I'm sure everybody offered to help. But I just couldn't see myself in there one day at a time for the rest of my life. And so I took matters back into my own hands. I did get a box in the mail from my dad within a week of my call to him, though. And it had a big book and a 12 and 12. And in each station. And a new beginning. And a one day at a time. And a 24 hour day book. And a tape of his talk. And, you know, I don't know how long he'd been throwing it in the box. Going, you know, maybe we'll get to mail it someday. Let's get her one of these. You know. But I got the box. And, you know. And I spent the next eight months not drinking in the Keys. Which, like I said, with free cocaine wasn't a real big problem. But eventually there came a time where, you know, I wanted to drink. And I couldn't have told you. I mean, well, really what happened was we had started this little part time business on the side. Because it's expensive to live down there. And Monroe County and I had a difference of opinion on the legality of the business. And suddenly I was looking at charges for trafficking cocaine into the Florida Keys. And they frowned on that down there. So the drugs had to go immediately. It was like, okay, no more drugs. And, you know, we got through the whole pre-sentence thing. Got through that. And two weeks after it was all over, I drank. Now, I would have told you that I usually keep it together during a crisis. And I fall apart two weeks later. Probably so I could get all the attention instead of having to share it in the crisis. But, you know, what I know now happened is that two or three weeks with no drugs and I had to drink. You know, I could not have told you that at the time. And I didn't think I have to drink. I thought, wow, it's been eight months. I could probably get drunk on two drinks again. You know. And I pulled a bottle. Somebody left a bottle of rum at our house. I had two drinks. I thought, I can't do this. I poured it down the sink. I went and sat on the couch. And ten minutes later I was in the car with my two-year-old going to get beer. You know. Now, I did not know that the phenomenon of craving had taken over my body again. I didn't get it. You know. And I had by the time I got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous, I had all of that information. By the time I got sober I had been through treatment twice. You know. I grew up with a dad in AA. And I, it's amazing how long it takes to get from here to here. You know. I can remember sitting in meetings. The first year I was sober and reminiscing back to when my husband, my ex-husband and I lived with his uncle. And his uncle always had a bottle of vodka over the stove. And every day I would have a drink and I'd get another drink. And then I'd end up drinking more than I meant to. And then I'd have to go get a bottle of vodka and fill his back up. And then I'd have to hide the rest of mine so my husband wouldn't find it. And then I'd be like, did I drink it or did I hide it? And. I should probably drink it because no matter where I hide it he'll find it. You know. And I went through this every day. Every day. And I got sober. And I remember thinking, why didn't I just go get a bottle of vodka? I mean it would have been way easier. And it's like six months after that it hit me. You know. Like hello, here is the phenomenon of craving in your own life. Every single day I poured that first drink I was going to have one or two. Every single day I had no intention of drinking a bottle of vodka. You know. And it happened over and over and over. You know. And then I'm in treatment a few years later and I cannot connect those dots to what I'm hearing in treatment. That once I take a drink it's on. You know. Once I take a drink I'm drinking until I'm done. I had no idea. And if you are between me and a drink you are either mowed down or you are invisible. And that's what happened to my children. I moved back to Ohio in a divorce. Mom would send me money to come to Ohio. I was supposed to relocate in Florida. I can't imagine why. And so I moved back to Ohio in 1984. Really not happy about that because Ohio is my problem. And I had these two kids and I kind of knew. Now by now I'm sensing probably bikers are my problem. You know. So I'm going to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm not talking to bikers. And but you know I would go to AA and I just couldn't. You know what do you say after hi my name is Beth. It was the same. You guys all clearly knew each other. You know. I mean it would be all of you and me. And how do you talk. What do you say after my name is Beth. Now again when they ask for new people I am certainly not going to raise my hand. Because then you know I'm new. And you know new people don't look real good. And so I just kind of would sneak in the middle. And I tried AA but I just you know I wasn't going to know people. People weren't remembering my name. Now it's because I didn't tell anybody my name. But you should know. You know. But if I went to AA and I said I'm going to go to AA. You should know. You know. But if I went to a bar and didn't know anybody. It didn't matter. You know. If I walked into a bar with $5 at the end of the night I knew who I needed to know. I knew who could drink all night. Who didn't fall down. Who didn't throw up. And who knew where the party was. And I just gravitated back to that. Now I tried drinking at the yuppie bars out by my mom's house. Because you know like I said the bikers were my problem. And I went in. I got my drink. I'm minding my own business playing a video game. The only guy in the whole bar with a Harley shirt sends me a drink. And I think how do they know. You know. How do they know. But I just you know. So that started me on the path in Cincinnati. And by March of 1985 my children were removed from my custody. Because I left them alone to drink. You know I was a single mother in a second floor apartment. And you talk about panic. You know the kids are in bed and there's only two beers. Now what do I do. You know do I get them out of bed and drive them to the store with me. You know. I mean who do I leave in the cold car while I go get the other one. Do I leave them in the running car. I mean I was up from South Florida. You couldn't leave kids in a running car. I mean when I came out your car and your kids were gone. You know. So that wasn't an option. And it was just hard. I couldn't get them to daycare on time. It was hard. You know I meant to cook them dinner. I mean I never set out to be a bad mom. You know. I never set out to abuse those kids. And I didn't physically abuse them. And they didn't even get much verbally from me. But they got ignored a lot. You know. Because I would be so far into my own thinking that they could be sitting right next to me talking. And I wouldn't hear a word they said. You know. And the message my kids got from me was yes I love you. Go away. You know. Yes I love you. Get away from me. I don't want to play. Go clean your room. Go play with your sister. Pick up your toys. No I don't want to read a book. Go play. Of course I love you honey. You know. That's what they got from me. I just. I was just bankrupt. I was bankrupt. And I didn't know it. Spiritually bankrupt. And I had nothing to give them. And it was hard. Like I said. They'd be in bed. And I'd have no beer. I couldn't get them to daycare on time. And then I had to entertain them all day. And. When they were removed from my custody. I left them alone. They were sleeping. I walked down to the corner bar and drank. You know. The police called me there. And said would you like to come home. And I was thinking no. But you know. And that was child endangerment charges. And that's the first time I went through treatment. Because a friend of mine said if you go through treatment. Maybe they won't send you to jail. So you know. Sounded like a good plan to me. I went through treatment. And you know. I was. I was the treatment poster child. I was the one. You know. I was the one. I was the one. I had a dad in AA. I had a tape of his talk. You know. I'd had a big book for years. No clue there. And. And I was the one that the counselors would come get. To talk to other women. Who didn't want to leave their kids for six weeks. To come to treatment. And I would tell them. You know. We have to. If you don't do it for six weeks now. It could be forever later. You know. Because we just. We can't be parents if we're not sober. But inside. I'm thinking. Kind of like when I was telling Sarah. About the successful raise. It's like yeah. Right. I knew I wasn't done. I mean. You know. That's kind of the double edged sword. For children of sober AAs. Is. What I didn't understand. Is once I take a drink. The drink takes me. And it's on until I'm done. You know. I just always thought. It's not bad enough yet. You know. When it's bad enough. I'll go to AA. And I had a friend. Who said that to me. You know. He tried to get sober two or three times. And he'd get a month or so. And he'd drink. And he stood. I was about seven months sober. And he stood in Oak Street. That was a clubhouse in Cincinnati. And told me. It's just not bad enough yet Beth. And I knew exactly. And I'd said that a hundred times. You know. But three weeks later. He tried to kill himself. And he didn't die. You know. He had a drug induced stroke. And he was paralyzed. And he was 39 years old. And he couldn't talk. You know. Now that's hell on earth. For an alcoholic. Your brain works. And nothing else. And I just wanted to scream at him. Is it bad enough yet. And that's when I realized. That I never had the power. To say it was bad enough. When I was drinking. You know. That it was the grace of God. That between drinks. You know. And it's also not the first time. I ever drank. I never surrendered. You know. Sometimes we talk to new people. And you'll hear. Especially from podiums. About that moment of clarity. And I know. I used to think. Every now and then. I think. But what if I had mine. And then I drank. I'm screwed now. You know. But that you get more than one. I mean. You get. Every time I ever ask God for help. Every time I ever ask God. To remove that compulsion to drink. He did. Every single time. I can look back. You know. When I got out of treatment. I didn't want to drink. I did not want to drink. I bought a bottle. Of wine. I carried around my car. For a week. And I finally went. Well. You've been carrying around. You may as well drink it. And when I took the first drink. I almost had to force it. To my lips. I did not want it. But my brain said. Oh. You're going to drink. You may as well do it anyway. And once I took a drink. Once I was this far into the bottle. It was on. You know. Because that physical took over again. And I can look back. And see times in my life. You know. The other thing was. Was God. I love when Bill Wilson talks about that experience. In the Winchester Cathedral. Coming back. Where he said. He realized. For a brief moment. He had needed. And wanted God. And God had been there. But then he was obscured. By worldly clamors. You know. And the worldly clamors. Is mostly the noise in my head. Saying. I got to have him. I got to have that. I got to have this job. What are they thinking about me? What are they doing? You know. I never could be quiet. Long enough. To hear that voice. You know. But when I asked. It was there. Always. Always. I remember reading a book. When I was 15 years old. It was a fiction book. Called Pontius Pilate. But I. You know. I kind of knew how the story turned out. But I. But I read it. And I remember just being overwhelmed. With the presence of God. When I read that book. Overwhelmed. You know. I was just lifted up. And so. I went to the bookstore. To find another book. Just like that one. Because I wanted to feel that way again. And I found one. That kind of looked like it. By the time I was to chapter three. And I wasn't feeling the same way. I felt before. I tossed the book. You know. And what I know now is. That's kind of where I always was with God. I would want to go back. And do that again. You know. And God is a forward journey. You know. That the faith part comes in. That I have to keep moving forward. And trust. That there will be another one. And that he's going to continue to be there. I always wanted do-overs. You know. All of my life. I was trying to capture that feeling. Of being in the right place. At the right time. Every now and then. I'd have a beer in my hand. And look around. And all would be right with the world. You know. I just didn't want to be anywhere else. But right there. Right then. Most of the time. I was wishing I had come earlier. Or come with you. Or left with you. Or stayed later. Or stopped at a different bar first. I was chasing that feeling. Of being where I wanted to be. And my children ended up. I went through treatment twice that year. They were briefly in my custody. In between. Where they never should have been. They were back with my mom by October. My mom did not take my children. By the way. Hamilton County, Ohio. Took my children. And if my mom had said. I don't want them. My children would have been in the system. I used to say. When mom took my kids. And she didn't. You know. And it's the grace of God. That she raised. And I hated her for it. You know. Because she did all that stuff. I couldn't do. She did all that stuff. And I made her life hard. At every turn. You know. Every turn. But. Deep down. I knew. The kids were where they needed to be. I mean. They got read to. They got clean clothes. They were dressed appropriately. At school. On time. Every day. You know. They ate. They ate. Appropriate food. For their age. You know. They. They just. She took them places. I. I would take them to the zoo. Every now and then. Only because the Cincinnati Zoo. Sells beer. And. Cincinnati is a beer town. It's a good thing. Or my kids never would have gone anywhere. You know. But I mean. We would go look at the bears. Get a beer. Go to the bathroom. And leave. I'd take them places. But I wouldn't let them do anything. And. And so I just. You know. But this whole time now. Here I got this double life going. That the book talks about. Because if you ask me. I say. Of course I want to be sober. Oh. I want my children back. Of course I do. And inside. I'm thinking. I'm glad they're gone. I'm glad they're gone. But how. I mean. You can't tell people. You don't want your kids. You know. I mean. Talk about looking bad. And. And. And now. I'm drinking all the time. My dad died while I was in treatment. The first time. And I inherited. Almost enough money to kill me. Not quite. And. And for the next two and a half years. After he died. I got to drink the way I wanted to drink. You know. And again. I probably got here sooner. Because of it. And by the end of 1987. I was running out of money. And I was tired. You know. And it was just. That gray. Bleak winter. That we get in the Midwest. And I can remember. I'm sleeping on a couch. In a friend's attic. And I would wake up. And it would be 530. And it would be gray. And I'd look out the window. And go. You know. Is it AM or PM? And I'd try and watch people. To see. Could I tell? And then I would think. Well. I'll go back to sleep. And when I wake up. It'll be light. Or it'll be dark. You know. Because I couldn't. I only had this much energy. And this much money. And I couldn't bear the thought. Of walking up to the bar. And having it be 6 in the morning. You know. Because I didn't have enough. To go all day. And so I would go back to sleep. And it would seem like hours. And I would toss and turn. I'd wake up. It would be 545. And it would be gray. You know. And I was 28 years old. And starting to suspect. Something was wrong. I. Somewhere. Somewhere in there. The end of 87. The beginning of 1988. I just was hysterical. And just said. God. I can't do this anymore. I just can't live this way. You've got to help me. And again. You know. The thought came to me. Hey. You have that big book. Your dad sent you. And I. You know. I'd been in this place since August. And hadn't unpacked. There was just a path. To the couch. And the TV. And the bed. And I found the book. Dad. Dad had sent me. And I always tell new people. Get a hardcover book. Don't buy a paperback. There's something about a hardcover book. That you just can't throw away. You know. And I. Save it for a yard sale. Whatever. But I just. You know. Paperback book. Would have been out the window. Something about a hardcover book. At least for me. I just. You know. Kept moving it with me. And it was there. And I read Bill's story. And I'd read Bill's story. A hundred times. Because when you go through treatment. They tell you. The directions for a living. Are in this book. And you start on page one. Because if they wanted you. To read all that Roman numeral stuff. They would have made that page one. You know. So I'd get page one. Bill's story. And be like. What the hell is this? You know. There's no directions in here. And. And he was old. And he was a stockbroker. And who cares anyway. You know. I. And that night. I read Bill's story. And I identified. For the first time. I identified with how he felt. And. And the things he'd been through. And I slept with my big book. Just clutched to my chest. Like a teddy bear. And I woke up. I mean. I slept that night. And I woke up. And I felt some peace. Again. You know. Again. I believe now. That God had removed that compulsion. But. I didn't call anybody. I didn't go to a meeting. You know. I did what I always did. Nothing. And by noon. My. My. My brain said. You may as well drink. You know. You're going to. And I did. But that was kind of the beginning of the end. I was. You know. I'm drinking all the finer places in Cincinnati. Like they do drop in. Every. Every town has one. And. You know. The bartender's talking about getting sober. And the guy I'm shooting pool with. He was two years sober. And. You know. I mean. It was just. I'm surrounded by AA people in the bar. Drinking. But talking about AA. You know. And. That was kind of the beginning of the end. And. And by the end of. The spring of. Of 1988. I'm. I'm looking around. Thinking. You know. I bet all those people in Florida are sitting down there going. God. I wish Beth would come back. You know. So I. I went back to Florida. Where people appreciated me. And. I went for three weeks. Took mom's credit card. Because of course. I had no money. And. You know. Nobody down there was really excited to see me. And. And on June 26th. 1988. I was standing in the Fort Myers airport. And my mom's credit card would not take a plane home. You know. I mean. It wouldn't take a ticket. It was as tired as I was. And I. I called my mom. Because it was like. Hitchhike. Mug somebody. And take their money. Or call mommy. And I didn't believe this. This always cracks me up. I'd been on a small shoplifting spree. Right. Before I went to Florida. So. I had all these new clothes. Right. That's the only reason I didn't hitchhike. I knew I'd get drunk. Lose my suitcase. And I didn't want to lose my stuff. So. Hitchhiking was crossed off my list. And then I thought. Well. You know. There's a lot of senior citizens here. So I could just. Take one of their purses. You know. Just attack some little lady grabber. Her purse. But I. Do you ever have one of those hangovers? You know. Just one of those hangovers. And. I felt so bad. And I just knew. My luck would be. I'd pick on the old lady. Who was still doing aerobics. Twice a week. She'd run me down. Take her purse back. You know. Bitch. You know. I still wanted to be in the paper. You know. Thief accosted by sectogenarian. So I. So I called mom. And. And she didn't say. Right away. That I could come home. She said. Call me back. In three hours. And when I called her back. All she said to me. Was your tickets at the counter. And we are not flying you home. We're flying the children's mother home. And the only reason we're doing it. Is because we're afraid. We'll never see you again. That was it. That was June 26th. 1988. You know. Because I. I didn't have a drink that day. I didn't even have a dollar. If I'd had a dollar. Somebody else might be standing here. But I didn't have enough money. To go get one in the airport bar. And hang out. Until somebody bought me another one. And I couldn't. I couldn't bear being asked to leave. That we don't want your kind here. So I got on the plane. Off at the local detox. And I was not real thrilled. About that either. I just wanted to go home. But she said. We're done. We're done. I got you back to Ohio. Go in or don't. But you are not coming home with me. I just. I can't do anything else for you. And for the first time. I was accountable. For my own recovery. You know. And I went into detox. And. I don't know. I was there five days. And I had been to. You know. Periodic meeting. Through this time. And I'm in detox. And I just had this mental picture. Of this woman. Who had given me her phone. Number at a meeting. And I just had this weird feeling. That she was. I mean. I couldn't call. Because my purse was at this friend's house. And I didn't think she was talking. I didn't think she'd go up a flight of stairs. To find a phone number for me. At that point. And I went into detox. On a Sunday night. And Wednesday. Here comes this woman. Walking down the hall. You know. And I just. I was on the phone. And I was like. Oh my God. And I went. Went up to her. And I said. I knew you'd come. And of course. She's looking at me going. Who are you? You know. But I mean. I knew she was going to be there. I just knew she was going to be there. And. And that. What happened to me. In detox. That next morning. On June 27th. Is that I was laying in bed. And I realized. You know. I mean. My car was impounded. I had charges pending. I wasn't sure what they were. I didn't really have a place to live. That wasn't new stuff. You know. But what was new was. That I had no plan B. I had no idea. On what to do about any of it. I didn't. I think. You can borrow money from. No. No. You can't. You could work here. No. You can't. You know. I had. I had no plan. On what to do about any of it. I just didn't have one. Single. Better. Idea. And I had this thought. You know. Like. Well. Whatever those people in AA are doing. It's working for them. And your way. It's not working for you. And I mean. That's. That's about as exciting. As my surrender gets. You know. There's no. No flash of light. No nothing. It was just like. Oh. Screw it. You know. And. Sometimes. Those are the most effective surrenders. You know. Because the other thing. I realized was. I wasn't going to die. I was 29 and a half years old. I never expected to be 30. So I had no real concrete plans. For doing anything. After I was 30. Just. You know. Like I might remarry. I might go back to school. You know. But I was getting farther. And farther. And farther. Away from that. And I realized. That day laying in detox. That I was showing. No signs of dying. Anytime soon. You know. I was six months away from 30. And I was pretty healthy. And. And. And if you had told me. That I would be dead in six months. I would have left. And got a drink. You know. If you could have guaranteed. The only reason. I never attempted suicide. Is because I knew I would live. Like Gary did. And look bad. You know. I. I knew I would live. And there's a lot of 70 year old. White nose out there. And I knew I would be one of them. You know. I knew. And I knew that day. No matter how bad it was. It could get worse. You know. That there were levels of bad. I hadn't even thought of yet. And. You know. Now my husband. When he talks. He'll tell you. A voice in him said. If you take one more drink. You're going to die. And he wanted to live. So I mean. We came in from total opposite ends. Of desperation. I knew I was going to live. And didn't want to. He knew he was going to die. And we're both sober. You know. It doesn't even matter. Why you get here. And so I. You know. I surrendered to AA. And I. I got out of detox. And. I wasn't going to go to a meeting that night. Because. Hey. I've been going all week. You know. But. But I went. Because a voice in my head said. You skipped meetings before. And you drank. And. And. The very first night I was there. There was a woman at the podium. And she said that alcoholism. Had taken her to the place. Where she didn't want to work. And she didn't want to take care of her daughter. She just wanted to drink. And I couldn't believe it. Because I had never heard anyone say. They didn't want to take care of their kid. It's just not the kind of stuff you tell people. And so I got her phone number. And she became my first sponsor. You know. And I just. The next day. I went to call her. And it took me half an hour. Of just. She's busy. She'll say Beth who. You know. She'll. You know. My biggest fear. Beth. Who. And. So. I. You know. But I finally called her. And just said. I got your number last night. I have no idea what to say. I'm just practicing using the phone. And she just laughed. And said I had to do the same thing. You know. If you're new. And we tell you to call us. Tell us you're practicing. We know what you mean. We all had to do it. I never called people. Because what am I going to say. After hi my name's Beth. You know. But. But it was okay. She said just call. And tell me you're practicing. So that's what I did. And the next night. I went back to this. This Oak Street Clubhouse. And. I still didn't really want to. You know. I mean. I had to carefully choose where I sat. Because if you sit in the back. We know you're new. And if you sit in the front. You have to talk to people. So I kind of sat in the second row. And there was a wall. You know. It was against the wall. I'd call that the new guy chair now. And. It was time to say the Lord's Prayer. And I didn't have a hand to hold. And I just remember thinking. God. You are just never going to get this right. You know. And I just. Hung my head. To say the prayer. And somebody in front of me. Took my hand. And I just started to cry. You know. Take a minute to look behind them. And be sure that the newcomer had a hand to hold. You know. And I just. I tell people. You know. We were talking a lot yesterday. About 12 step work. And that is 12 step work too. I never to this day. Have found out who that person was. But they are the reason I came back the next day. I would have left and kept on going that night. If they hadn't taken my hand. You know. Remembering a new person's name. That's 12 step work. Asking them to come to coffee with you. I couldn't. My God. To say. Can I go with you. That's terrifying. You know. To remember. And I've been new lately. You know. When I moved. Even though I'm 14 years sober. I've been the new girl. And it's. It's really distressing. To walk in. And have a group of three AAs. Standing around talking. And somebody will introduce you. And say. This is Beth. She just moved here. And they look up and go hi. And go back to their talking. You know. It's depressing. It has made me much more aware of. It's great that we greet at the door. But what am I doing once they get in. And they sit by themselves. You know. That's something that my old home group was very aware of. Once they came in the door. Where did they go. And who are they talking to. It is. It can be very lonely at an AA meeting. And that's a sad thing. But I came back. Because that person took my hand. You know. Because you know. I mean. What I found out is. God. I just wanted you to know who I was. I just wanted you to know who I was. And I didn't know. That what I'd been looking for my whole life. Was to be one of many. You know. Because if I would have told you. My big fear was being average. You know. I mean. None of us want to be the worst. Or the best. But don't put me in the middle. Of all those other people. You know. But that's what I was looking for. My whole life. Was to be one of many. And that's what I've gotten here. In Alcoholics Anonymous. Is that this has been my path to usefulness. This is where I belong. It's where I'm supposed to be. And I know that. On an almost daily basis. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. And I just started to show up every day. You know. The first 30 days. I just kind of did. I mean. I could have given a great. What not to do. When you get out of treatment talk. Because I always got out of treatment. And drank. But this time. Oh. The other thing is. The detox center. Wouldn't let me go through. Treatment. Which really ticked me off. I thought they should want better. For me than that. But they just said. Beth. You know what we're going to tell you. Go do it. Somebody else needs this bed. That doesn't have the information you have. And again. I was responsible for my own recovery. And I started to show up. On a daily basis. And they had a big book meeting. At noon there. Every day. And I went there. Because. You know. I don't know why. I just. Well I knew you were supposed to read your book. Every day. That's why I went. And I figured this would count. You know. So I wouldn't have to read at home. And plus. They read half of it. You know. They read a whole chapter at a time. So it chewed up half of the hour. So you probably wouldn't get called on. That was a plus. And it was noon. So I had the rest of my day free. And I had met my commitment. To go to a meeting every day. Of course. God has a sense of humor. And. My day was free after one. But I'd forgotten I had no life. By six o'clock. I was getting kind of antsy. So I would go back for another meeting. And. And I had such a good time. Going through this big book meeting. Because there was laughter there. You know. There was laughter. People would read the story. Or read the chapter. And they would relate it to themselves. And what was going on with them. And I started noticing. There were people in there. That were five and eight. And ten years sober. And I went through. I had figured. I'd go through the chapters once. And then graduate to discussion meetings. But I had such a good time going through. I thought. Well. I might have missed something. You know. I could go through one more time. And. And what happens is. You know. When you read it. I hear it. When I read it. I mean. My brain was mush. I'd read a paragraph. And close the book. And it was history already. And. You know. Even if I was in a meeting. Trying to read by myself. I just. You know. I'd be reading. Reading along. And think. You know. You know. Practical experience shows. That nothing will so much. I wonder if that guy's got a girlfriend. He's kind of cute. You know. I mean. I just. Couldn't stay on it. I would hear the page turn. And that would kind of bring me back. You know. But. When I started hearing it. Over and over and over from you. It's funny. Because you know. I've always had this running commentary. In my head. Always. They've always been up there. They're still there. I just finally appointed somebody sober. In charge. And I leave them alone. But they. You know. I would be walking to. Somewhere after the meeting. And. And I'd just kind of pop in. To see what we were talking about. You know. And. And one of them would be saying. Well. That was pretty cool. That guy said at the meeting. Well. I didn't know that was in the book. You know what I mean. So. Even the committee in my head. Was getting sober. Because I was going to these. I was going to these big book meetings. And it was starting to sink in. You know. Now. What I know now is. That people who go to big book meetings. On purpose. Just tend to read it. And do what it says. And my laziness. Had plopped me into the middle. Of the most active people. In Cincinnati Alcoholics Anonymous. You know. They just sucked me right in. I never had a chance. And. And thank God for that. You know. Because these were the people. On the dance committees. And the conference committees. And the intergroup manager. Went to that meeting. And I just got pulled in. And like I said. There was laughter there. And it was fun. And I just kept showing up. And. Pretty much from that day to this. That's what I've done. My kids stayed with my mom. When I was a year. Sober. She and I talked. I was going back to school. And you know. They had been in the same neighborhood. Since they were one and three. And it was a good neighborhood. With a good school system. They had stable lives. And I had an efficiency apartment. A block away from the clubhouse. In a crummy section of town. And it didn't seem like. The greater good was served. By sucking them down to my level. Just because I was sober. So. She and I worked out. And they gradually spent. More and more time with me. They would come for weekends. So when I was new. I had to take them one at a time. Because they would argue. And of course. They wanted my attention. You know. But I would take them one at a time. And we made them meeting bags. And you know. We went and got new crayons. I don't know about you. But new crayons still excite me. And you know. They each had a bag. With new crayons. And a new book. And they only got to use it. At meetings. So they liked to go to meetings too. And we went to meetings on weekends. My kids did four meetings a week. You know. Because I knew I'd kill them. If I didn't go to a meeting. The side effect of that though. Was that I started to learn. How to talk to my children. Because I watched you guys do it. And my kids. Gradually their gaze. Came up off the floor. You know. And they started looking the world in the eye. Because you guys talked to them by name. You guys colored with them. You guys asked them to go help you with things. Can you. Here. Carry the cups. I'm going to get the coffee. You know. And they became a part of. They weren't just best kids. They were Sarah and Robbie. You know. And they started to have some value. And when I was a year sober. We went to a picnic. And you know. We'd gone to a lot of stuff like that. We got there. And I said. Oh there's kids over there. If you guys want to play. And they usually. Didn't want to. And that was okay. I never made them. I just always offered it up. And that day. Half an hour later. I felt this tug on my leg. And here's Robbie. Who's seven. Saying mom. I just wanted you to know. That we're over here playing. If you need us. And I realized. That that was the first time. They knew they could let me. Out of their sight. And I'd be there. When they got back. And it took a year. And thank God. I didn't have them. By their little shoulders. Going I'm sober now. You can trust me. You know. I just. I just let. You know. My family had to come. On their own time. I was told. The best thing I could do. Is leave them alone. And do Alcoholics Anonymous. You know. And that's what I did. They came with me. But they had their own schedule too. And Oak Street. Always did a big. Thanksgiving. Layout thing. And I was probably. 15 months sober by now. And I always say this part. To give the newcomers hope. But I had a car. A driver's license. And insurance. All at the same time. And I had a job. In a little apartment. And I was looking around. Thinking. Ah. You know. Everything. Everything's here. But Robbie's got all these women. In his life. You know. He really could use. Some male influence. He's. He's seven and a half. Now. And I'm kind of. I should probably start. Looking around. For his sake. You know. And so. I started scoping out. The landscape. And we went up to Oak Street. On this. This Thanksgiving. And I went to the noon. Big book meeting. Because that's what I do. If it's noon. And there's a big book meeting. That's where you'll find me. And when I came out of the meeting. I couldn't find my son. And somebody said. Go look across the street. And there was a schoolyard. Over there. And here's my son. And another seven year old boy. And four of the guys. From Oak Street. Who are 20. 21 years old. Playing football. In that field. And I just. You know. Every now and then. It's like. God will lift the curtain. A little bit. And I'll get to see. You know. I'll get to see. Part of the bigger plan. And I realized. Where else should a seven year old boy. Be on Thanksgiving. But playing football. With a bunch of guys. You know. But the bigger miracle. Was that I saw. I had nothing to do. With making that happen. What I did. Was go to a meeting. And my son. Got his needs met. I didn't find him. Somebody to play with. And so. I called off the man hunt. And. Went to more meetings. And worked with new girls. But I. You know. I did meet my husband. In Alcoholics Anonymous. And. And you know. He has a sponsor. And he is sponsor. And he sponsors other men. And he has a home group. Which now. Thank God. Is the principals group. Of Raleigh. He moved three months. After I did. So. We had a long. Distance marriage. For a while. This year. But we have a great time. You know. We have a great time. And when we set out. With this relationship. We just made a pact. That we would never be first. In each other's life. You know. If he is first. In my life. I've got a big problem. Because. Anything besides. You know. If he's first. God isn't. You know. That's the bottom line. That you can't have. I always thought. God kind of had some other. Cosmic out there first. You know. I never. I never paid much attention. To the laws of physics. Which says. Only one thing. Can be in this space. And so. We agreed. To be third. On each other's list. You know. God AA. And then each other. And you know. On a good day. Chuck's third. If I'm not thinking about me. But. I try to get him up there. You know. But that has worked for us. You know. And we learn. How to be married. By watching marriages. That work. You know. That's how we have learned. To be married. I learned. How to be a parent. Watching people. Who I thought. Were good parents. And why wouldn't. I. You know. One of the other things. I've gotten here. Is that it's okay. Not to know. It is alright. Not to know. You know. And I learned. How to be sober. Watching sober people. So why wouldn't. I learn. How to be a parent. You know. Why wouldn't. I learn. How to be married. Watching people. Ahead of me. Doing what I need to do. And doing what they do. I went back to school. You know. And somebody. I heard. God. Early out of detox. Somebody had just. Gone back to school. And she said. Just do it like AA. Show up early. Sit in front. Read the book. And do what they tell you. And I went. Okay. I could do that. You know. And it was. It was. It was pretty easy. You know. And Chuck did the same thing. And he's got a master's degree now. You know. I mean. You just. You just don't get there. From where we were. We would have drank together. If we'd ever crossed paths. I'm sure of that. But. You know. My kids grew up. Like I said. And sometimes. I forget to tell people. That I did get custody. Of my children back. In 1993. Chuck and I were married. He got his degree. And he got a job. With benefits. So that we could insure them. And that was the last. That was the last link. Was health insurance. And the kids came. To live with us. In 1993. They started school. By walking out their front door. And getting on the bus. From their parents house. And what a cause. For celebration. That was. You know. We took candy. To our home group. Pink and blue. And we hadn't been married. Too long. So people were saying. Oh. Are you having kids? And we're like. Yeah. They're 9-11. Isn't it cool? You know. We handed out candy. We had kids. I don't know. I mean. I just. Everything I have is here. What a great deal. I mean. This is the best deal. I've ever had. And I have. You know. Peg talks sometimes. About her sobriety. Being so much more expensive. Now. Than it was. When she was new. And that hits home with me. I had nothing to lose. When I got here. You know. And everything I have. Is a result of just doing. Alcoholics Anonymous. And. Why would I do less. Now to keep it. You know. Why would I do less. Now to keep it. It's like everything. You know. This is my side of the scale. And this is God. And when I go to meetings. He gives me a job. And when I go to meetings. You know. I get the. And it's like. The more I have put. On the AA side. The more he has filled. The other side. You know. And that's the only balance. I'm looking for. Is keeping my business. On my side of scale. I cringe. When people say. They need to find balance. Because that's code for. I'm going to cut meetings. Watch me. You know. My balance has come. From doing. Alcoholics Anonymous. You know. God's in charge of the scales. Not me. And. You know. We have a family now. I mean. It's not been. It's not been all a bed of roses. You know. The kids. Had passed through. The teenage years. And. We had some really hard times. With our sons. Some hard times. There. There was a year or two. Where I would not have told you. That we could ever. All sit in the same room again. That's how bad it was. I didn't know. If we would ever. All sit in the same room again. And two years later. We're all in the van. Driving back from. A concert. My mom sings. With the Sweet Adelines. And she was over. In Indianapolis. And we went over to see her. And I. Realized. Driving back. That here's Chuck and I. And Robbie and Sarah. In the van. Singing oldies songs. None of us are singing. The same song. Even. You know. But we're all singing. And I just thought. God. I mean. Not only are we all in the same room. We're having a good time. You know. We're a family again. And one of the things. I wondered. When I got sober. Was will I get my kids back. You know. And my. My sponsor kept saying. The answer's in the book. Well I'm looking for a page. And a half on. When your mother asks. Cussie your children. And then you have to do. You know. Families will be reunited. And I was like. Oh. Okay. You know. I was looking for something. More specific than that. But. But it's like. You know. The other thing. I always. I always like to talk about it. Is like I said. You know. The attitude and outlook on life. That changes. Because. You know. Number one. I found. I always kind of believed in God. But I didn't really trust him. To do my stuff. You know. He might do it wrong. And I wouldn't get what I wanted. And that would be bad. But you know. When I got here. For whatever. I guess. Because I was surrendered. I was willing to accept the fact. That Peggy. With 30 years. Was going to have a different relationship. With God. Than I was going to have with 10 days. You know. It was the first time. I didn't want that instant relationship. With my sponsor. You know. She got along with other women. Peg was my sponsor at the time. But you know. My sponsor. And I realized. They've known each other five years. You've known her 10 days. See where you are in five years. And that was new thinking for me. You know. All of this thinking had been rearranged. And I don't know when it happened. Other than that. I just kept showing. Up. And like I said. I heard myself telling people. We go bowling. And we have dances. And you know. And here's these kids. I didn't want. And now I'm starting to. I'm starting to look forward. To them participating in my lives. You know. And Chuck and I bought them bicycles. For Christmas one year. And they were pretty small. So we got ourselves bicycles too. And we got hoppies. Because they're pretty sturdy. And they're not really expensive. And so the first warm day hit. And we decided to go out for a ride. And you know. We were living. Chuck and I by now. We were living. Like the next burb over from my kids. We couldn't quite afford to be where they were yet. But we were close. So they came over for the weekend. And we're out riding down the street. And dad. Mom. Big brother. Little sister. On our hoppies. You know. And we went by. And somebody's out mowing his grass for the first time. And he waved. And we waved. And about the time I waved. I got a look at where I was. And I just remember thinking. Oh my God. I used to own a Harley Davidson. For. God's sake. And I'm riding through the suburbs on a lavender hoppie. How the hell did this happen? But what really was amazing about that minute. Was that there was nowhere else I wanted to be. But on that bike with those kids. And that's the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know. Somebody like me who didn't even want their kids. You know. And now the relationship. That we have. You know. I mean. Our son writes to us. From Fort Benning. You know. We get letters from him. And I was on the phone twice with my daughter yesterday. And we are a family. You know. And we will be a family wherever they are. And that is the gift. That I got here. Because I didn't know how to participate in anything. Except me. You know. I do sponsor other women. I did work the steps. Sometimes I forget to toss that in. Yes. I work the steps. I've just never been one of those people. That goes through them one at a time. When I talk. But. You know. What I have as a result of doing Alcoholics Anonymous. And continuing to do Alcoholics Anonymous. And. In the spiritual experience. There's. In that appendix. It talks about. That you know. Quite often the newcomer will realize. That he's undergone a profound alteration. In his reaction to life. You know. This big change in the way he reacts. And when I was about two years sober. I saw that illustrated right in front of me. I was in the big book meeting. We read that. There was a girl there. Who was maybe two. Two months sober. And she. She talked. After we read. And she said. You know. The first seven weeks had been great. They'd been great. And the last week had just sucked. Bad. And that by Friday. It was a Friday. She said. By that morning. She was in so much pain. That she got on her knees. Prayed. And came to a meeting. And I almost fell out of my chair. Because I don't know about you. But when I'm eight weeks off alcohol. My normal reaction to life. Is not pray and go to a meeting. You know what I mean. It's go to the bar. And here she was. And she didn't even have a clue. What she said. And I just couldn't wait. Until the meeting was over. And I went. And went. You know. With her. I'm like. Look. Look at this. You know. It's happening. Because she didn't know. I said. You know. Is this your normal reaction to life. To pray and go to a meeting. And it's like. She didn't even know. That it was already going on. And so. You know. What I try to tell new people is. If you've had a crappy week. And you don't think it's working. But you're here. It is working. Because you're here. And if you just keep showing up. You'll see somebody else. Who's had a crappy week. And they come. And then you know. It's happened for you. I never know. When it's happening in my life. But I always see it in yours. And that's why I can't do AA at home. By myself. You know. God has wired us. To need each other. Like it or not. You know. And for the new people. It's like. You know. There's good news. And bad news. I mean. The bad news is. It's all about God. You know. But the good news is. It's all about God. You know. I mean. What the big book tells me. Is I was beyond human aid. No human power could save me. And that includes my sponsor. But the purpose of the book. Is. Is to help me find a power. Greater than myself. Which will solve my problem. And that's what I found here. And that's what I wish for you. Thank you.