Esteemable Acts Are What You Do When Your Self-Esteem Tank Hits Empty — Judy E.

Let's have an AA meeting. My name is Julie, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. I have the privilege of introducing our speaker tonight. I don't know how long I've known Judy, but I think pretty much from the minute I came into the program, I can tell you that I've known her before I had even a single gray hair on my head. So it's been a long time. And the thing that kills me, though, is this woman has not aged one day in the 20 years that I've known her. I've never known anybody to wear the world so loosely, like a loose garment. And it shows on her face. It shows in her demeanor. It shows in her voice and her loving spirit. And I just love her spirit, and I think that you're going to love her spirit, too. I give you Judy. Well, good evening, everybody. Yes, my name is Judy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am an alcoholic. Hi, everybody. And it's so good. Before I came here, I didn't even know I existed. I used to look in windows like that and see if I had a reflection. I lived in New York, and I'd be on the subway staring. So when you guys would say, hi, Judy, then I felt I existed. That's an amazing thing. The other part about it. When I say I'm an alcoholic, now that's not something when I was a little girl I got on my knees every night and said, Oh God, when I grow up, please, please let me be an alcoholic. But actually, it's an amazing thing. I want you all to look around and feel that you are surrounded by people so much like you. I was unique. There was no one like me. I was so sensitive. No, but if you were as sensitive as I, you'd have to drink. You'd just have to numb. That is so interesting that in this room, there may be someone to save your life, and you may say it's somebody else's life. This is the best game in town, because when I'm in church or anywhere, I don't know if people, would actually come to me if I were in trouble. I have no idea. They might be too busy. They might have all kinds of excuses. But here, this is part of this amazing program. Because if you need help, we're there. But why? Because it helps us. That is such an amazing concept. I had no self-esteem. I had no self-esteem when I came in. And you know what they say? It's fascinating. If you don't have self-esteem, do esteemable things. What a concept. So the privilege of not only being able to reach out my hand, if I had one day, because I had one day, and I knew the struggle gave me a little bit, oh, maybe I do have something to offer. So the fact that, that people in this room know what it is, not only to suffer. And you didn't come in here on wings of victory, I bet. I certainly didn't. When I came in, it was this time of year that it was happening. The days were getting shorter. It was dark earlier. And Halloween was coming. Well, that was a perfect, perfect, perfect holiday for me. Because from the time I was four and a half, I had been wearing a mask. I wore a mask so that I could present to the world what I thought the world needed from me. So when I say my name is Judy and I'm an alcoholic, yes, I'm an alcoholic. But I didn't know how to be Judy. I had not the biggest. Idea of what a Judy was supposed to be until I came here and learned to be authentic. And I'm going to go into that word because I love words. When you're authentic, you're following your author. Your author has created you to be unique, to be the person I'm getting goosebumps because it is spiritual. You all are. Especially you wouldn't be here if God didn't want you to live. We are here tonight and anyone who knows about this disease knows at this very moment there are people in ICUs dying of this disease. And it's amazing to be able to surrender or just be willing for a day because I'd had people call the police, break down my keys, knock on my door, carry me out to a rehab. I had shamed my children. I did things that were humiliating, absolutely humiliating. But God let me live so that I have almost 20 years of recovery. And my hair is grayer than Judy's. But I use V-Days. I use V-Days. I use V-Days. I use V-Days. I use V-Days. I use V-Days. I use V-Days. I use V-Days. I use V-Days. I use V-Days. And I know how to do it myself because I'm an alcoholic. And alcoholics like to do things themselves. We just do. So I did it this afternoon because it's not what I say. It's how I look. No, I'm kidding. I'm really kidding. But I was talking to Jason earlier. I am so much healthier than when I came in. I'd had three times. Two years. And then went out. So I do know this isn't a disease to play with. I thought, oh, that would happen to someone else. People who have accidents on the highway, driving on the wrong side. No, that's somebody else. You know, domestic violence, that's somebody else. No, it can't happen to me. But I will get back to why this. Seizing is important. But I had to get out of almost a 34-year marriage. And that was not easy because I'd married young. And I had not been much on my own. So being the good alcoholic I am with a fabulous imagination, I thought, oh, I'm all alone. I'm 55 years old. This is not going to be a problem. Instead of asking for a realtor, I was new in Atlanta, insurance, any practical anything. I went and got a wig. Now, how can you wig out if you don't have a wig? So I was going to become a goddess at 55 years old. Now, I think many of you know goddesses don't have short, curly hair. They have blowing locks that the breezes from Zanzibar blow through. And it is the absolute necessity for a goddess to stand up on a rock over the sea and let her hair blow. Oh. So with my wig, I am... As I said, I didn't plan anything. But higher power somehow has a great sense of humor. Sometimes I go, oh, I'm a power male, Brooks. Because that summer, I was given an apartment in a very lovely section of Paris. Given. The woman was going away and she needed someone to water her plants. Huh. A great job. A great job for an earth goddess watering plants in Paris. So that whole summer, my wig and I paraded through Paris. I didn't walk. No, no, no. I paraded. And, oh, did I attract the most amazing Algerian workmen? Oh, they had pictures of me surrounded by wheelbarrows. Why? Because I knew these poor men could not help themselves. I was a goddess. And at the end of the summer, in fact, it was the night before Halloween, I was invited to some friends. See, my former husband was an internationally known scientist. That didn't mean that he was a good person. As a matter of fact, I heard a great description of the kind of scientist he was. His body was a means of transportation to get his head to a meeting. He had no connection with the body. It was all up here. And it was all science. And I'm not a scientist. So, but he had been at a national lab in Paris. And this couple had befriended us. And Marie and Philippe. Now, Philippe, knowing he was French, had to give me a French kiss long ago. And I thought, yeah, you're just trying to prove you're French. But we're friends. And I was somewhat sane back then. And I said, you know, let's really maintain this friendship. But now that I was a goddess and all alone, hmm, I had something to prove. So, I was invited to their home. I went to a salon. And it's Paris, you know. And they have all kinds of perfumes and lotions and potions. And they fixed my wig. Oh, God. So, I'm on the metro, which is somewhat like Ramada. But they have first class, second class. And I'm on second class. And everyone is smoking cigarettes. Now, I was high on my own. I was on my own. I was on my own. So it didn't bother me as much to smell the galois and the various French cigarettes. But when I got to my stop, I got off the train, and a couple of workmen followed me. Well, I was kind of used to workmen following me. And so that didn't bother me. But one continued. And I'm walking up the street where Anne-Marie and Philippe live. And he's winking and smoking. And I was getting a little nervous. I really didn't like the fact that he didn't turn back. But I got to their apartment. And there's code, as there are many apartments. And I press the numbers. The entry opens, and I get inside. Ah! And he's on the outside. And he's still winking at me. But I get on the elevator and go up to Anne-Marie and Philippe's, hoping Philippe is going to open the door. Well, he wasn't home yet. But Anne-Marie did. And she said, Judith, your hair. And I went, Do you like it? And she said, It's on fire. That's good. And I had flicked his cigarette. And my wig was now beginning to sputter. Oh, my God. So I had to, you know, just pull it off my head as fast as I could. Run to their bathroom, throw it in the toilet, and watch it sputter. Meanwhile, my short, curly hair was absolutely... ...sweaty and plastered to my head, and I looked like the rat I was. Therefore, this is a message to many of us. Sometimes we have to feel the heat before we see the light. I sure felt the heat. And then, of course, it was humiliating. But I got home with no preparation for my home. And then, of course, it was humiliating. But I got home with no preparation for my home. And suddenly, I got frightened. See, I pushed it off and pushed it off. I had a talent for pretending there's nothing the matter. Oh, boy. I had a great talent for pretense. So I walked into the home that I had bought. And I had let a neighbor decorate it. Hmm. She decorated my house. Pea green, everything. And skin, no matter what culture you are, does not look good pea green. And skin, no matter what culture you are, does not look good pea green. It doesn't. So the reflection on my face was ghastly. I went into the bathroom to check out this former goddess. And she had hung these Polynesian monkeys. I don't know if you ever have seen them, but they hang on. One finger will hold on to the tail of another. One finger will hold on to the tail of another. One finger will hold on to the tail of another. And as I look in the mirror, I felt something hit my back. And as I look in the mirror, I felt something hit my back. And yes, it was a monkey on my back. And yes, it was a monkey on my back. It was a monkey on my back. I could not believe that this woman. I had lived in the Illinois Prairie. And I had painted scenes, they were good, but they were scary. They were these white gingerbread houses, lit by the sun. by the sun, but in the background, there were tornadoes, dark, dark storms coming up, and she'd hung them all over the house. So, there, I called my therapist, because as an alcoholic who didn't understand the wonder of this, I have to retrace a little, because here we had Tim, Julie, we had Jackie, we had Ira, and we had the bathtub man. No. Come on, say it, because I'm blanking on your smile. Jason and the Golden Police. Okay, thank you. I'm never forgetting. I'm so sorry. But if you heard them, there was enthusiasm, there was a depth of feeling in what they were saying. We've all been in hell. We have been in hell. And the fact that we don't want to go back, we don't want to go back. But it is hell. Now, I didn't know that people in AA... would be willing to help, because we don't pay you for help. I thought only someone I paid would help me. So, I called my therapist, and guess what? The answering machine said, I will be out of the country for two weeks. If there is a problem, call 911. So, there was a problem, and I went to the liquor store. I got six gallons of cheap alcohol, because gym six gallons now that I'm not that bigger person as Julie mentioned I'm just six gallons is a lot but I had a plan I would drink and pass out I would come to and drink again until therapist got back in town but I'm very clever I knew there might be people worrying about me and my family so I put on my answering machine I have gone on a spiritual retreat and I will be back in ten days now my family would believe something like that however I went onheure to almost didn't come back because every time I came to I was so terrified of of being alone not knowing what to do not having a support system now all of you have a support system if you're willing and open and it is honest willing and open the hardest thing I had was to ask for help from somebody like me because that meant my mask had slipped and I was really really in need and being needy was not something I felt in my gut was comfortable in fact it was one of the worst feelings I had because a needy person could be abandoned and I didn't want to be abandoned and I didn't want to be abandoned and I didn't want to be abandoned and I didn't want to be abandoned and I didn't want to be abandoned and I didn't want to be abandoned and I didn't want to be abandoned So, every time I came to, I drank more. And I don't know how many days passed, but I would look up and look up at the ceiling, everybody. There are patterns, you can see. There are popcorn ceilings and a ceiling like this. And those little shapes began to form words. And those words were damning. You're going to die. You're going to leave a terrible legacy to your children. You will never, ever be thought of lovingly again. Because you are killing yourself. Well, I wasn't planning on killing myself. Oh, no. I just wanted to hang on. Until therapists got back in town. Luckily, I don't know how many days, as I say, had passed. I had come to NABBA before going. Goddess. And they, my brother who is in the program, who lives in Rochester, New York, called NABBA. And two people broke into my house and found me in an alcoholic. Coma. So I was shifted off to a Hazelden. And, you know, they were told on the plane, Keep her drinking, keep her drinking, keep her drinking. Because I would have gone into seizures. And when I got to Hazelden, I promise you, that was the first time somebody looked at me, as I'm looking at any newcomer, and she said, You're in hell, aren't you? Usually, people had said to me, Look at you. You can walk and talk and see. You're not in a wheelchair. And you are doing this to yourself. And they would tell me, Oh, come on. You can decide to be happy. You can decide to quit. But anyone who's, even read the beginning of the big book, knows that an alcoholic can't. We can't. It's that first drink that sets off the craving, that sets off all of the mechanisms of the disease. So, I was greeted where I was. So, I was greeted where I was. You are in a place where everyone will greet you where you are. Not shame you. Because it is a disease. However, when I realized that I could die, because that was the first time I knew this isn't a disease to play with. Believe me, it's not. That I surrendered a little bit. This hard head, quite a while, to get out of my wall of words. I'm an intellectual. And before, I just asked Jason, the first trip into sobriety, I was asked, on my first year, to talk. And I said, I think I recited the Gettysburg Address. And I said, we are a group of the people, by the people, and for the people. And I did Charles Dickens. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. And this was, I think it was at Bridgeview. I've been to all of them. And I escaped from Peachford. Because they wanted me to trust a group like me. I was up in a tree, and they said, let go, we'll catch you. And I thought, you're crazier than I am. So, as soon as I got down, I ran out. I did escape. Certainly AMA. But anyhow, that being met where I was, instead of ashamed, did cause a shift. And she said to me, I'm not going back where you are. I've been there. But I will put out my hand, and if you take it, I'll walk with you. And, mmm, boy was that meaningful. That was so meaningful. Because after that rehab, I came back to Nava, and I lived here. I didn't trust myself. I assure you, I didn't trust myself. I'd look in the mirror, and I'd say, well Judy, how are you going to undermine yourself today? Because I had a, many ways, many ways of doing that. And I didn't want to drink, but I was still, kind of, afraid. And, we have lots of meetings here. I don't know if any of you, who are newcomers, know that, you know, from 7.30, until 8 o'clock, there are many meetings during the day. And, of course it takes a while, but you can join the club, and feel safe here. And that's what I did, as soon as I could. I just didn't leave. I didn't leave, and then I got a, roommate, in the program. Now my choices weren't real good, but I, at least she didn't drink. I did come home, from visiting my daughter, and I opened the freezer, because I wanted some ice, and there was a mouse. A dead mouse in my freezer. And, she told me that the mouse had died on Sabbath, and she couldn't bury it. And I said, I didn't know it was a Jewish mouse. But, I'm all crazy on the same day. That's the good part. You're in a room full of people, who are not all crazy on the same day. And, it does take a while, of meetings. I can't stress meetings enough. I better look it. Because, as I went to meetings, I would hear, myself. I thought, before, I was so unique. I thought, I was the worst person in the world. I really believed it. I even asked, you know, my doctors. Am I the sickest person, you've ever met? Because, the thing is, it was hero zero. I had to be the worst, if I wasn't the best. And that part, of hearing someone share, Oh my God, they felt that way too. They did that too. I'll go back to my childhood, because, that's when I put on a mask. I am, 76 years old, with Vidal Sassoon in my hair. But, Oh, and I also know how to wear makeup. Hmm, hmm, hmm. If anyone, wants highlighters. Well, nevertheless, there are all kinds of tricks, alcoholics know. To look normal, when they're not. I learned that, that was very important to me, to try to look normal, when I was dead. You know, and chirp. When, I could hardly, breathe. But I was always so chirpy, that, once my daughter, when I answered the phone, it would be, morning, and I would say, good morning. A little trill. If it were afternoon, good afternoon. And then evening, of course, good evening. And she said, you sound like, a hyper oxygenated, dental assistant. Hmm. So, okay. This is, the serious part, is, I was born, when the Holocaust, and I am Jewish. And, many of my, family members, were killed, in the Holocaust. So, I was born, when the Holocaust, and I am Jewish. And, many of my, family members, were killed. But the ones, on this side, just before, I was four and a half, and my father, died at night, in my house. He put me to bed, and, the next morning, at breakfast, mother said, to my brother and I, your father, died, last night. Now, my brother, is three years older, he's in the program, but he's a rageaholic, as well as, an alcoholic. And he started, breaking things, and swearing. I wanted to, just, sing, if you ever feel, like an animal, you know, just, a wounded animal, you can't make a sound, but you just wanna, ah, clean. And my mother, took my shoulders, and she said, honey, it's a beautiful day, go out, and, play. So, from that moment, on, hmm, I learned, to smile. Because, she couldn't handle it, if I were sad. So, I wanted to be, cared for. And, as a matter of fact, I got so good, at pretending, that the day, after dad died, was the funeral. And, my cousins, and I, and their mother, had just died. It was, very traumatic, for little children. It is, for anybody, death, is, it's a mystery, it's, a huge, wrenching, pain, huge, wrenching, part of you, has just been, torn, away. But, we were taken, to see Bambi, and Bambi's mother, is killed. So, this was not, the very, best, recipe, for, distraction. So, but, from that moment, I don't know, if any of you, saw Bambi, but, Disney, showed, the killing, of mama. And, little, little Bambi, looking back, saying, mom, we need it. And, there's one tear. The next moment, it's spring. We're really, thrown into, spring. And, all the animals, are falling in love. So, you don't have, a chance, to grieve. Suddenly, Thumper, finds a, Thumpus, and, little, flower, flower, you know, Flowerino, and, you know, they're all, discovering, love. And, Owl, says, to Bambi, because Bambi is, what's going on? And, Owl says, they're, Twitterpated. Now, that should have been, my diagnosis. Doctorsors should have said, this woman is, Twitterpated. Because, I was. I went, from grief, I wasn't, in love. But, I acted. I acted. I acted. Now, watching this, I have to, warn you people, about, self-help books. I grant, yes, everybody. I, in the darkest time, of my marriage, which was not, I remember, there were, so many books, on, how to make, your marriage, work. And, I thought, my marriage, is work. I wanted, work. I was, exhausting. So, I wrote, a book. I don't know, if you can, see it. This is, this is the cover, in the midst, of a deep depression. It's called, The Joy, Around You. That's, what a Twitterpate, can do. I, was so, cheery, and telling people, how to be joyful, that I did, make enough money, to put myself, in a mental hospital, for depression. There was, something, to that. Now, I, have to, say, back, to why, we are here. Which, Julie said, let's, have a moment, of silence. Why, we, are here. Every year, probably, every, four or five months, there's a new, book. But, this, book, has been around, since, 1939. There, really, have been, no, changes, because, we don't need, to make any. Now, I almost, in the beginning, wanted to rewrite, it. I really, did. Because, I'm, a writer. And, I'm, Twitterpated. And, I wouldn't, have recovered. And, that is, the most, important thing, that I can impart, to you. Is, that, fighting it, as hard, as I did. And, knowing, how unique, I was. I said, okay, one day, at a time, I can try, this thing. And, people have said, and you'll, hear it. You know, you can, go out, and your misery, will be, cheerfully, refunded. There, it is. My misery, had been, refunded, and it was worse. You know, as they say, this disease, is progressive. It's, fatal. And, they, also, say, you can, sober up, get, locked up, or, get, covered, up. And, people, anyone, who's been around, for a while, knows, that, there have been people, sitting here, that aren't here, anymore. Because, for some, reason, it could have been, pride, because that's, one of my, big, defects. I'm ashamed, to ask for, or have been, until, some wonderful, people, I'm looking at, a wonderful, people, now, because you're, here. And, you want, to be, what God, created you, to be. Otherwise, you'd be, out there. And, it's easy, to go out there, because, you're not, locked up. That, whole idea, of, it's nice, to give, but, you have, to have, circle. You have, to be able, to receive. That, I, will never, be alone, because, nobody says, don't come back. After the meetings, they say, keep, coming, back, no matter, what. And, I'll give you, a little, anecdote. I was in, New York City, to meet, some people. And, I, if anyone's, been to, New York, there is, no, and, so, there's, a thing, called, Airbnb. Where, you can, sign up, and say, where, you're, gonna, go. And, you'll, find, a place. Well, I found, a place, that I, could, afford. And, I, rented, it. I, get, to, the, apartment. It, happens, to, be, a, I, think, a, four-story, walk-up. And, I, have, the, books, I'm, about, to, show, people. And, my, backpack. And, it, they, had, no, bed. And, I, had, no, breakfast. There, was, a, mat, on, the, floor. There, were, no, windows. No, air, conditioning. So, I, wasn't, able, to, go, to, sales. I, don't. I'm, very, creative. Selling, is, as, hard, for, me, as, asking, for, help. Because, it, is, asking, for, help. I, want, you, to, like, this. And, so, I, went, downstairs, and, there, was, a, subway, sandwich, shop, not, far. And, I, got, a, couple, cups, of, coffee. And, then, I, walked, down, the, street. And, he, said, Jessica, do you, have, a, mom, or, there, was, no, one, in, there. But, Jessica, I, wasn't, sure, whether, it, was, Caitlyn, Jenner, on, a, bad, day. Because, all, around, her, body. Well, I'm, a, recovering, alcoholic, so, so, so, as, long, as, you, know, how, to, wash, somebody's, hair, here, I, am. Well, this, person, actually, did, a, she, was, very, she, was, you, know, happy, with, true, confessions. Well, then, I, had, mine. I, told, her, I'm, a, recovering, alcoholic, you, can't, compete, with, me. So, on, the, 4th, of, July, a, rainy, weekend, people, from, all, over, the, world, have, our, disease, and, love, recovery, that, much, that, they, would, come, to, a, but, in, God's, interesting, way, I, was, led, to, a, meeting. I, met, people, there, who, became, very, dear, to, me, and, then, the, next, day, I, was, taken, and, be, grateful, because, you, walk, down, the, street, in, New, York, and, there, many, in, the, gutter, Lord, and, this, is, a, place, of, course, that, took, care, had, Ralph Lauren, socks, he, had, you, know, just, donated, donated, food, shelter, and, I, could, cry, because, it's, the, kind, of, world, I, always, dreamed, of, where, we, all, have, our, stories, our, losses, our, joys, but, here, we, are, with, a, common, problem, and, a, common, solution, as, you, heard, from, the, people, who, read, it, grows, things, our, world, doesn't, look, really, pretty, but, fundamentally, we, know, all, is, well, and, the, stories, you're, going, to, hear, as, you, come, to, meetings, you're, going, to, say, I, happen, to, photocopy, fruits, and, vegetables, and, when, I'm, at, a, place, like, Kinko's, people, come, over, and, say, oh, my, god, what, are, you, doing, and, she, had, a, stroke, and, she, was, at, Piedmont, could, he, stay, over, well, at, my, house, while, he's, taking, care, of, his, aunt, well, a, year, and, a, well, one, night, he, called, and, he, said, Judy, I'm, not, coming, home, tonight, oh, thank, you, Jason, thank, you, I, decided, I, need, a, relationship, with, a, more, now, that, was, good, for, me, because, normally, I, would, say, what, can, I, do, to, bring, you, back, I'll, give, you, Cheerios, or, whatever, but, I, suddenly, that, that, comes, from, emotion, the, gut, everything, is, heavy, it's, hard, to, breathe, and, that, came, over, me, and, it, was, frightening, and, I, a, sponsor, calls, and, she, well, I, told, her, what, was, going, on, and, I, said, I'm, going, to, bring, home, a, younger, man, and, she, said, to, me, if, you, do, that, Judy, why, did, you, leave, me, daddy, why, did, you, leave, me, that, had, been, stuffed, down, for, so, long, and, that's, why, I, became, a, people, pleaser, and, that's, why, I, am, so, I, share, with, you, as, I, close, that, you, are, blessed, it's, not, lucky, that, you're, here, luck, can, run, out, blessings, don't, so, hold, that, one, minute, at, a, time, to, not, pick, up, that, first, drink, to, get, to, a, meeting, to, ask, for, someone, to, walk, with, you, because, that, playground, between, our, chosen, recovery, thank, you, thank, you, Judy, I, knew, that, was, going, to, be, fun,