Eric M. – Steps 10-12 – The High Cost of Bullsh*t – 2012

I don't want to do this right now, but I'm going to do it anyway. It is an honor and a privilege for me to be able to do service for AA. Without this program, I'd be dead. And the fellowship. My sobriety date is, it's funny, I want to say July 14th, because for years I thought it was July 14th. And I went back to therapy about a year ago to the same guy that helped me get to AA. And as it turns out, I went to treatment on July 9th. So I've been celebrating my anniversary on the wrong day for the last 12 years. To give you an idea as to how spun out I was when I got here. So it's July 9th of 1999. My sponsor's name is Paul McKee. His sponsor's name is Bill Rook. I'm going to tell you my story. It's a story. As you may be able to tell from my accent, I'm from Alabama. Alabama. Northern Alabama. Actually, I'm from Long Island, New York. My mother's family is Italian. And it's just like you see on television. A lot of eating, a lot of hugging, some organized crime. A fair amount of violence. And my father's family is Irish. I got stuck with this Irish last name. But I didn't know the guy because he was an alcoholic and a drug addict. Like me. And wasn't around. So what can I say about my childhood? It was awful, a lot of it. My mother was 20 years old when I was born. And she was busy going to work. And my grandmother raised me, which was wonderful. The problem was that my family's full of alcoholics and drug addicts. And I didn't know if somebody was going to come home and flip the dinner table over. Or if we were all going to go out in the boat or something. It was like I was in a constant state of panic. Because you just never know. It wasn't safe. It was never safe at home. My earliest addictive behavior I've identified was about two years old and started with food. I don't know if you can tell. But when it was wacky at home, I'd overeat to satiate some of the pain. And that worked for a while. I can remember being that young and watching the way my family treated one another. And number one, wondering why they did it. And number two, promising that I would not grow up to be like those people. I don't know that kids normally think like that. But I knew there was something fucking wrong. Something really fucking wrong. Like, why did Uncle Ronnie get so angry when they lost a bag in the park that was only this big? They fought over it for hours. How important could it have been? And why was he always scratching his stomach and sounding like Snuffleupagus? I can remember my Aunt Debbie puking and seeing her works in the sink. And asking my uncle, like, what was wrong? And he said, oh, she's sick. Yeah, I guess so. But other than that, you know, I had a family. And they did their best. I'll speed up a little bit. My mother married my stepdad when I was seven. And we went from living, we never had much. My family didn't have a whole lot. In Queens. And suddenly moved overseas. I lived in Singapore for three years. Both my sisters were born over there. It was the first time in my life I really felt like part of, part of this family. I felt like I was getting the attention and the nurturing that I needed. And then my little sisters were born. God bless them. And again, I felt like the kid that nobody had time for. And kind of retreated into education. I was a smart kid. Did very, very well in school. And that was pretty much my identity. A couple years of that, we moved back to Alpharetta in 1988. And I don't know if anybody remembers Alpharetta in 1988. But not a whole hell of a lot was going on there. Like cows on every corner. And I started going to school there. And again, excelled in academics. But was a very uncomfortable, nerdy kid. I did not feel right with me. I can remember very early on wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Did the best I could in school. Again, that was my identity. At around 14, my mother's and stepdad's marriage started to deteriorate. And because I was the oldest, next person in the house, they sent me to therapy. Because their lives were falling apart. And I remember being in there and being really uncomfortable. And I started to develop this pain in my stomach. It felt like I was being stabbed. And it was anxiety. And so the doctors said. They put me on medication for that. And you know, a budding alcoholic. I went and did some research on this stuff. And as it turns out, it had a lot of side effects. And I didn't want any of those side effects. So I stopped taking it. And the pain came back. And right around when I got my first motorcycle. My family's in the motorcycle business. I had my first drink. First drunk, I should say. Because there were... Like after a big family meal, they'd give the kids wine. Like I was always sipping on people's beers. That kind of stuff. Like it wasn't a big deal in my house. But I had my first drunk at 15. And from what I remember, I drank a fifth of a whiskey. And blacked out. And puked all over some people. And passed out in the woods. And somebody dragged me through the woods to their pickup truck. And back to the house. And watched me for like half an hour trying to open the front door. And I woke up the next morning and fell out of bed. I'd lost my chain wire. I'd lost my watch. I was really disoriented. And I went downstairs, got my dirt bike, and went right to my buddy's house to go get high. Like I couldn't wait to do it again. Some people grow into this gradually. I was shot out of a fucking cannon in a way. I have to say that getting high and getting drunk was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me at that time. Almost all of it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Almost overnight I found a new group of friends. You know, I went from being this nerdy kid in gifted classes who they may take as SATs in seventh grade with almost a full scholarship to dropping out. I used to say dropping out of high school. The reality is I was thrown out of two high schools three times. They said, you need to leave. And I fell apart quick. You know? The amazing thing that I've learned about alcoholism is that it's so powerful and cunning that I didn't realize it had become the primary goal of my life. But that's really all I wanted to do was get drunk. And I did. And I did the best I could and had consequences almost immediately, which is another thing that I've learned about this disease. People like me, consequences don't mean shit. You know? I'm not going to sit up here and tell you that if you have alcoholism you're going to die if you don't treat it because that's true. But I didn't give a shit. You know, I knew it was going to damage my life. It damaged everybody in my family's life. So I went on for a couple of years. And you know something? The risks got greater and the consequences got greater. I was just talking with somebody outside. I had my license for a month. They took it away immediately because me and my friends were involved in some things. Me and my friends were involved in some vandalism. We were making bombs. We almost killed somebody. And yeah, we were good kids. And just wackos. And it was funny because there were a lot of wealthy kids in the neighborhood and in the area. And there weren't enough cops to take care of us. We pretty much had free reign out there for a while. Getting drunk and driving like maniacs in my buddy's like two-year-old BMW was perfectly normal. And you could still get away with it then. I don't think you can anymore. But there were some good times. I found hallucinogenics at 15, 16 years old. And for the first time I ate LSD. I ate three hits because I told my friends I'd done it before. Didn't want to seem like I didn't know what I was doing. And I left the planet for hours. And that was my kind of getting high. Like I wanted to check out. You know, I hear about people and it says in our literature, a lot of times it says in our literature that I tried to control my drinking. And towards the end I did. At that time I wasn't trying to control anything. I wanted to get as fucked up as I could with no consequences. That's how I wanted to get high. It wasn't about control at that point. When I was 17, drinking for two years, it was my first attempt to stop or moderate. I don't remember the exact time. I don't remember the exact consequences. I think I'd gotten in trouble in school. Excuse me. And I told myself that if I didn't drink for a month, I didn't have a problem with alcohol. I've come to find out that people that don't have problems with alcohol don't have to prove to themselves that they don't have problems with alcohol by not drinking for a period of time. I lasted three weeks. I did not change playmates or places. And it was a miserable three weeks. It was very, very difficult. I remember feeling empty and afraid and not knowing what to do with myself and not knowing how to speak to people or really how to do anything. And I picked up and, I mean, the quantity doesn't matter. I drank a whole fifth of whiskey that night and was off to the races again. And that would be a good snapshot of how I got high for the next couple of years. There would be some sort of consequence and I would slam on the brakes for a period of time and tell myself because I had stopped for this period of time that I had earned the right to drink as I once did and every time lose control. The quantities got greater and, I mean, I'll talk about the drugs I did. What really brought me to my bottom, I started eating ecstasy. And I remember the first, I still remember this. The first time I did it, of course, I ate three pills because I didn't want anybody to think I hadn't done it. Yeah. And, you know, being this person, I was like, I'm going to die. You know, being this awkward, uncomfortable, I was still a pretty awkward guy. I had a tough time talking to women. I sat on the couch and, like, made out with three women for, like, six hours. And afterwards, I remember the next day telling one of my friends, like, this stuff gets you so high. There's no way you're going to get addicted to it because it's just, you know, it's impossible. And we're like, she's, like, falling over laughing. And I did it three days in a row. And I remember by the third day, I was convinced that I had psychic powers. Yes. And that I could talk to people with my mind. Exactly. That's great. And I lived in that place for two years. I was convinced that, you know, I was either the second coming of Christ or the second coming of Hitler. Yes. I was not well. I was not well. And I had visual hallucinations as well, but mostly auditory. And I can remember at one point talking to my mother and trying to explain to her how wonderful this way of life was. And she started crying. And I looked at her and was like, what the hell is your problem? You know, and she thought I'd lost my mind. You know. And she didn't get it. I mean, she didn't get it. So, I remember at one point I stayed dry for a couple of weeks. And I convinced my grandfather that I needed some transportation. And I flew up to New York. And he gave me the keys to a 1991 Yamaha V-Max. And at the time, it was the fastest accelerating vehicle in the world. It did 0 to 60 in, like, 3.2 seconds. And I was, like, two weeks dry. And I got back home and started getting loaded again. I don't know how the fuck that thing didn't kill me. But I spent a lot of nights driving. I spent a lot of nights running from the police, high on cocaine. And somehow or another, I got away with it. And I did get arrested probably eight times or so for minor possession of alcohol. But never anything too serious. I tried Geographics. I tried different jobs. I tried it. It's this group of friends that this is the reason I got this problem. It's this particular substance. If I just stop doing that and just do this, I'll be okay. And every time I tried to stop and moderate, it used to stop. That's how I found out I had a problem. And I hear people say that they never tried to stop. They just came to A one day and they stopped. And I'm, like, how the fuck do you do that? What are you doing here, really? Like, I kept trying to stop and could not stop. And on top of all the drugs I was on, I thought I was losing my mind because of that. Because every time I tried to stop, I wanted to. I mean, I wanted everything that was in me to stop. I wanted to stop. I wanted to stop. I wanted to stop. And I'm talking about pouring booze and dope down the toilet and flushing it, and two hours later going out and getting more. Swearing to God I'm never going to do it again. Telling my friends and my family this is it. It's over. I can't do this anymore. I'm doing it again anyway. And I moved to Athens to stop getting high. Like, you know? Yeah, I'll go to school and I'll stop. And I remember my roommate, he's like, look, the only rule in the house is no drugs in the house. All right, cool. First night, six people over there tripping our faces off. It's like, what is your problem? The time I was in Athens was really scary. I was getting very, very delusional. And I was at that point convinced that there was a group of shadow people that were after me. And they wanted to either induct me into their society or kill me. And I'd given them names. And they all had different positions. And some of them had accents. It was really, really bizarre. Keep it. Keep it. God. That sucked. It was terrible. I started to see a therapist because I thought something was wrong. And I was like, what? This is going to end my life. And this is the end of this. And I was like, no, this is all just going to end my life. It was funny. I was talking to him a couple of weeks ago. I've been seeing him again for a year now. And the first thing that I said to him was I seem to have to work entirely too hard to be happy. I wasn't happy with the way life was going. I thought it was coming to an end. And I was pretty ambivalent to stopping getting high at the time. And I don't remember what I got upset about, but I know my mother and stepdad were divorced, and we were out on the sailboat, and I was passed out. And the last couple of weeks are real blurry. But I remember being passed out, and I got in an argument with my mother about something, and I got up and walked away from her, and I tied a noose in some of the ropes in the boat, and we were getting ready to dock the boat, and there's people putting their boat away, and they're looking like, what the fuck is this kid doing? Sitting on the front of the boat with a noose around my neck. And I turn around, and my little sisters are crying, and I had a good long talk with my stepdad on the way home. And I told the therapist about this that Monday, and he's like, you're going to treatment. And for some reason, I said, okay. And I went in there, and they took my shoelaces and my belt away, and I was like, what the fuck? And my hair was past my shoulders, and I was about 160 pounds, and I was not a healthy 160 pounds. I was like starving because I wasn't eating. And, you know, they tossed me in the room and put me on whatever the hell they put me on to calm me down. And the first few days I was there, I argued with everyone because they didn't get it. I didn't realize it then, but I realize it now. I had the beginning of a spiritual experience there. I told my caseworker, I don't know what I've gotten myself into here, but it's probably going to be for the rest of my life. And after a week, the insurance company refused to pay, and I walked out the door. And I can remember, I remember the wind was blowing real hard, and it was still in the days of giant JNCO pants. And like the breeze was blowing real hard, and I felt like, I remember my pants flapping, but it felt like it blew right through me. Like I felt empty. I felt hollow. And I walked out to my mother's car, and she took me home. Now, I still had an apartment in Athens. I still had, I don't know, what seemed like a million dollars. I think I had like 800 bucks in the bank. I had a motorcycle and a car. And I was scared to leave the house. Like I didn't know where to go or what to do. And I pretty much just sat on the couch for a little bit and freaked out and used the bathroom a lot and threw up and saw things and heard things. And the guy suggested, the therapist suggested I go down to Triangle Club. And I started going down there, and I more or less moved in. You know, I just sat on the porch and went to meetings all the time because I didn't know what the fuck to do. And thank God for that place, really. As wacky as it is, thank God for that place. And, you know, I remember being in there, and this guy sticks his hand up, and he's like, look, it's real simple. You get in here, you get honest, you get a sponsor, you work the steps, and your life changes. And I took his number, and I never called him. And it was maybe a week later, and I got my motorcycle to go for a ride because I was angry about who knows what. And there was a family in an argument, a boyfriend and a girlfriend in an argument, and they were drunk. And there was a drunk driver at the corner, and there were kids buying booze at the gas station. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? And I got home, and I called this guy Mark, and he assured me that I was crazy. And the very next day, he met me down at Triangle. And we cracked open the book. And, you know, that first time around, like, I don't know what sunk in. You know, I know that a lot of what I read didn't make a whole lot of sense. But when they started to describe the behaviors and what it means to be an alcoholic, I felt like somebody had been following me, taking notes. It scared the shit out of me. There's a definition in A's literature. It's my favorite definition of what it means to be an alcoholic. It's, you know, I'm a drunk. And I think it's a great question that we should ask ourselves. Why are we here? What am I doing here? It says if when you start drinking, you have little control over the amount you take. When you stop, you can't seem to stay stopped. And I'm paraphrasing. You're probably an alcoholic. And it goes on to say that if that be the case, you're suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. Now, for two years, I thought I was God. And they're telling me I need a spiritual experience. And I didn't believe in this shit. I think that's probably the biggest piece of experience I can give anybody is that I thought it was a bunch of crap. I remember seeing people pick up eight, ten-year chips and be like, that guy, there's no fucking way. He's drinking. He's drinking in the car. There's no way. And people tell me, yeah, I don't even think about it anymore. You're fucking lying. That's impossible. And I went over to Mark's as we went through the work. And we did a third step prayer together. We both did our knees and said the prayer. And he told me I had to write a fourth step. And I was like, this is bullshit. It's not going to do anything. He's like, yeah, do it anyway. And I remember walking outside and walking down the steps. And, like, there was a little bird. And it chirped. And it was, like, a little louder. And the sun was, like, a little brighter. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And I started writing this fourth step. And when I got ready to share it with him, he moved. Mark had to go get married. And God bless him. You know, he's still married. But I learned something. I would not do that with one of my guys today. He left me at a pretty vulnerable spot. So I did what they tell you in AA to do to find somebody who's got what you want. So I asked this other guy who had a sports car and seemed to be good with women. And that guy was fucking crazy. That guy didn't have the time for me to do my fifth step number one. And I was like, I'm going to do it. And he said, you know, I'm going to do it. And I said, you know, I'm going to do it. And he said, you know, I'm going to do it. And I said, you know, I'm going to do it. And he said, you know, I'm going to do it. And I said, you know, I'm going to do it. And he said, you know, I'm going to do it. And I said, you know, I'm going to do it. And I said, you know, I'm going to do it. And he driver wanted me to talk. He said, oh, let's talk real quick. How do you do it, man? I said, I'm going to try something like this, actually. I told him, absolutely. And he ran that guy off with an Irish fiona. And now I had a guy that had a C6 boat and I drink, I knew he was going to go to the client. They got right into me. And I told him, I'm going to give him my pued at full on Lakewood confusing ought that I could argue a fuckingfill. number two asked me if he could take my mother out on a date. And I was like, dude, like, it's not okay. Backtrack a little bit. My first meeting at Triangle, there was this guy sitting up front with a New York accent whose name was Eric, with wacky, curly hair, and I was, I don't know what he was saying, but I knew in my heart this man could help me, and I'd gotten his number later on. I called that guy and told him what happened, and he met me the next day, and I'd spoken maybe 15 words with him and sat down, and I did a fifth step with him, like four and a half hours or so in a park. And that was what I would say the beginning of my spiritual experience right there, a little bit further, further along. I know you're supposed to go home and sit for an hour in prayer and meditation, but I passed out, and it was the best sleep I'd ever had in my life, probably still to this day. I came back to Triangle Club later on that night. We went through. Six and seven. Went over my eight-step list. He said, go start making amends, the ones that you can. By the end of the week, he appointed my first sponsee, and that's the A education that I had. There was no, well, you're going to wait until you're done with this. No, bullshit. You don't have time. You're a chunky dude. You've got to get to work. And I hung out here for a little bit. I was trying to go to school and just trying to live, and I don't even know if I want to call those relationships. I got into a few sober romantic catastrophes. Better way to put it. And my grandfather for a couple of years had been touting, had been asking me to come back to New York and work with them, and it was pretty enticing. Like, Poppins, at the time, it was the second largest volume Harley Davidson dealership in the world, and he's promising me that if I go in there and play my cards right, it's going to be my place one day. So here I am. I'm 22 years old. I said, fuck it. Let's do it. And I moved back to New York, and I started working in this place. And I remember showing up there, and this wasn't like the megastore stuff that you see up here in Roswell. This was an old school dirt bag, scary person, Harley Davidson dealership. And it frightened me at first, but I learned to really love it. People had been shot there, and the Hells Angels Clubhouse was right up the street, and they were in there all the time. I come from a long line of criminals and junkies, and this place was, not only did it feed that, but I had an element of power there. And I kind of got seduced by it. I'm going to talk about that some more. Anyway, so I'm up there, and I'm going to meetings, and I'm not finding the recovery that I'm used to. I'm not finding real literature and step-based meetings. And there seemed to be a lot of dead cat meetings and people whining and complaining. And I was complaining about stuff, and it scared me. And I remember, you know, it did. It was like, what the hell's going on here? And I go to this meeting, this young people's meeting, and there was a guy who was ready to blow his brains out, and this other dude who was slightly retarded. Seriously, he fell through a skylight at JFK airport and split his head open. And he was just hanging on, but he was a good guy. And Rob told me, he's like, there's this book study in Queens, and you've got to get down there. I said, OK. We've got to go. So I picked him up. We went down there. And there's Luis, this big, burly Puerto Rican guy from Brooklyn who can't say anonymous still to this day. He can't pronounce it. And my soon-to-be sponsor, this old man also named Eric. And both of these guys were Jewish. And for a while, I thought maybe I should convert, like God was trying to tell me something. But they were going through the book in the back of his, you know, 12-step store in this little, like, sanctuary area. And they were going through it in a way that I'd never heard people do it. But very engaging. Turning a lot of statements into questions and really asking people, like, is this you? How have you applied this in your life? What's your current level of agnosticism? Where do you think you still have power? And where are you trying to let God in? And I was impressed. And I was really impressed. And I asked this guy to sponsor me. And you know something? I skipped a really big piece. I'm going to back up. The miracles that took place when I started to do my nine-step amends, within a month of me going out and making amends, I made contact with my biological father for the first time in my life. And I went down and met him when I was 21 years old. I met him. I met my grandfather. I met my grandmother's twin sister, because my grandmother had already passed away. And you know, I kind of figured that that was, I'd just never get to meet the guy. I finally knew who I looked like. I finally knew who I sounded like. I really thank God for that experience. It was very, it was beautiful. It was really beautiful. I couldn't have done that without the help I had here. So anyway, I'm up in New York now, and I'm working with this guy. And Eric was in his late 50s and he treated me like a son. No matter what, the guy was always on my side. He was always on my side. He was always on my side. He was stern at times, but you know, he didn't belittle me. He didn't degrade me. And at the time, I'm working with my family, and my grandfather's a fucking maniac. And it was a difficult place to work. I was promised an awful lot of things, and I wasn't getting them. And I kept going to him in a kind and helpful spirit, or at least I thought, in an attempt to make amends for the things that I did. And he pretty much exploited me for it and just kept lying. And the interesting thing that I've learned from him, and I've learned from him, is that he's a very good man. And the interesting thing that I've learned about staying sober is that as time goes by, it gets harder and harder for me to tolerate bullshit. And I started to really have a difficult relationship with the man while I'm working in his business and working with his sponsee. And some tragedy hit. Three and a half years sober, I got up. My father had relapsed a couple of times since the time I was sober. And at about three and a half, three years, I get a phone call from my grandmother as I'm walking out of the gym. And she says, you need to come home. Jimmy's dead. And at 47 years old, he drank himself to death. Suicide, whatever you want to call it. Collectively, the man had about 18 years. All his friends were in AA. His family had plenty of money. He went to the best treatment facilities in the world. His buddies would drag him out of the house and bring him to meetings. And he'd just met his son. And we had a closed casket funeral for the guy because they found him three days after the fact. And he'd blown up like a balloon. And he had abscesses in his arm. And his car was crashed in his own garage. And the pool was dark green. And the ceiling was falling. And he had a modest house, but it was spotless when I went down there and met him. And I went down and cleaned his house out. And another gift that I was able to be there for that. And I learned a very valuable lesson there. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. A guy like me, that's me at the end of the road. That's the McKenna family at the end of the line. If I pick up today, that will happen to me. It hurt, understandably so. It was a traumatic experience. I abandoned myself to AA all over again. My sponsees and my friends in AA helped me get through it. My mother's family was relatively supportive, and, you know, the best way they could. But I was still having problems with my grandfather at work. I came into about 80 grand at that time, which was a hell of a lot of money for a 23-year-old. And I blew it as quickly as I could on cars and motorcycles and some other behavior that I'm going to talk about in a little bit. Yeah. Anyway, a year after that, my grandfather on that side died. He was a wealthy man, and he wrote me into the will for my father's place, at least part of it. And then I guess it was a little less than a year after that, my sponsor of five years died. And he'd had diabetes pretty bad. They were taking him a piece at a time. They were cutting him up. And he slipped into a coma. And, you know, I'd been acting out in this other behavior for a little bit. And, you know, our relationship had kind of suffered as a result. And I went to his funeral and everything, but it crushed me. You know, it really crushed me. At this point, I had quit working for my family. I said, look, you've been doing this to me my whole life. Go fuck yourself. And I left. And in a week, I had another job at another motorcycle shop. And they treated me really well, but I really didn't know how to operate in that environment because I'm not used to being treated well. And so I'm working. I'm doing okay. These people die. And when Eric Moskowitz died, I was in the hospital. And instead of going to the group of friends that I knew in AA and getting a new sponsor and getting honest about what was going on with me, I said, fuck this. I got it. I think I was sober six, seven years, something like that. And I lost my mind. I didn't go to meetings for probably six months. And I spun out real hard. I blew up to about 300 pounds. I was in a bad shape. And I was acting and behaving with women in a fashion that I am not proud of. I was in bad shape. And I wish I could tell you that after more and more traumatic experiences, like when you got a 19-year-old pregnant Dominican prostitute blowing lines of cocaine off your stomach, that maybe you'd go get some help. But I didn't. I continued to act like a maniac. And people started to spread rumors that I'd relapsed. And that wasn't true. So I went back to meetings. My pride got hurt. And I went back to meetings. And I can still remember, I'm walking up this flight of steps at this meeting in Hicksville. And I was out of breath by the time I got to the top of it. And I opened the door. And there's this woman, Donna, sitting there. And I can't stand her. And she's like, Eric, we haven't seen you in ages. Do you want to take the book study now that you're here? And I'm like, motherfucker. And it's one of those lies that I hear in AA. You've got to wait until you're sober to get sober. And I'm really of the belief that if you're really hurting, get a job in AA immediately. Do something here. Because the reality is, I'm not going to outthink my addiction. I'm not going to meet the right person that fixes it for me. I'm going to have to get involved. So I took the opportunity. And I got this other sponsor, this guy, Roy. And Roy's worth mentioning. He's from Bombay, India, and has a very, very distinct Indian accent. So I don't call him on the phone now because I can't understand a word that he says. But he was the clinical director of an Orthodox Jewish rehab in Brooklyn. It's like the only place in the world that something like that could happen. Complete culture disaster. And Roy took the time to sit with me. And I wrote a couple of new inventories. And I went out and I made the amends. And I'd lost my job at that other shop. And I was like, I'm going to go to the shop. And I just kind of sat with it and was like, you know something? I'm done with New York. I'm going to come back to Atlanta. And I got out of there. And I bought a house down here. And this is great. I've been up and down with my weight my whole life. At the time, I had just lost like 60 pounds or so. And the week all my stuff came down and moved into my house here, I had a hernia. And like an instant, like emergency hernia. Like, oh, shit. My guts are pouring out. And I go to the hospital. And I'm like, I'm white knuckling in the stretcher. And I'm like, look, I'm an addict. You can't give me narcotics. You can't. And the nurses and doctors are looking at me like, buddy, what are you doing? And finally, I said, I can't take it anymore. And they shot me up for all this stuff called Dilaudid. And I've since learned they call this a free lapse. Some people like, oh, my god, I haven't had it in like 10 years, gosh. You know? You don't even know what it's a free lapse is. I think watch it. And I made it magnificent. You see the image of past life in my mouth, the arm, and I didn't知 I was dark but I had dark wounds first and then I wentilleurs and first. You know, it's very light. He wasacje, very briskly gaspy, very, I mean it was as light as fire. You know, for 20 years. I wasn't sitting straight. It was no... You know? I'm outside with an ambulance driver smoking a cigarette and I'm like, oh, I've felt this in years, it's great. And one of the doctors is like, just watch him. And I get back to the hospital room and I start calling my buddies in AA because I'm nervous at this point and they're laughing at me. And as the night went on, I got really scared. And I got really scared because here's the crazy part. The second the back of my neck got hot, I wanted more. I mean, instantly, I wanted, this voice came through my head. It said, get more right now. And long story short, the hernia surgery got infected. I ended up back in that hospital for nine, like eight or nine days with a gash in my stomach and they're feeding me Percocets. And I'm like, doc, you can't keep doing this. And he says, well, we could put you on methadone. I said, fuck you. I have an uncle who's been on methadone for almost 30 years. He won't leave his house anymore. That stuff's bad news. And I walked out of that hospital with a hole in my stomach and no prescription medication because I can't be trusted with prescription medication. I came back to Atlanta and I started to go to the 10 o'clock meeting at Triangle. And at the time, there were a group of people there who were really involved and trying to make something out of nothing. And I had started several meetings. I had started several meetings. I had started several meetings. I had started several meetings. That group of people I was involved with back in New York, we were some ballbusters. We would hear about a meeting somewhere that wasn't that strong for the message and we would go there and just bash AA into people's heads. And when I think about it, it was extremely arrogant. But at the time, it was just what I needed. I mean, it really, it gave me a purpose. It really did. It gave me a purpose. Back to Atlanta and I'm doing my thing. And I started going to school. And as I said, you know, there was some behavior that had taken off when I came in all that money. And it was up and down. You know, I'd seen some recovery for it. And, you know, I got in this relationship almost two years ago. And I was keeping it at bay. And then, you know, some problems happened. I got a letter in the mail one day that said that I was being sued for child abandonment. And I had to explain to my girlfriend that, look, you know, I hadn't really stopped entirely with that behavior. You know, I, anyway, long story short, she caught me cheating. And I went back to see that therapist. And, you know, last time it took a week for me to go to treatment. And this time with over 12 years without a drink, I checked myself into treatment out in California for problems other than alcohol. And I'm not going to get into too much detail. But if you are trying to solve all your problems, either through an orgasm or a relationship, there's probably help for you too. It was the most humbling experience of my life. I walked in there quite broken. While I was there, some gifted counselors there, I was able to finally get to the bottom of some childhood molestation stuff that had gone on for several years. And I called my grandfather from treatment and said, hey, congratulations, you're a great grandfather. I know what you did to me when I was a kid. If you want to talk about this, we'll do it. So I said, okay. And I was there for six months. And I confronted my molesters while I was there. As I found out, you know, it's kind of funny. A couple of years ago, I got this DNA strand tattooed on my arm because I saw it was, I see it as fundamental proof that there is a higher intelligence in this world. And how did I find out that I have this absolutely adorable little boy through a DNA test? And he's gorgeous. He's like the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life. And I get to see him on Monday. So I walked out of that place and came back to Atlanta and started taking care of him. And I was there for six months. And I was there for six months. And I was there for six months. And I was there for six months. And I was there for six months. And I was there for six months. And I was there for six months. The first time I'd gone to one of those meetings, I was 23. And I just couldn't stick. But it'll be a year next month without any breaking the bottom lines. And I can't get into detail, but, you know, this is AA. But that's another place I got to go today. While I was back here, I cried for four months. You know, this last year has been extremely difficult. I cried every day like a baby for four months. And some people in AA were really cruel. And talk a lot of shit. And other people were extremely kind. And I share this message today, although it may be a violation of tradition, because I know I'm not alone. I know there are people that are struggling. That when they put the booze and the dope down, they had to find another way to keep getting high. Either in a relationship, either through sex, if it's food, money, I don't know. And if there's any message that I can give this group of people, it's that no matter what, you can recover. If you walk in here and you think you've got an edge or an angle, guess what? And you really got this thing, you're going to die. It's going to fucking kill you. But if you're willing to be honest, and that is the one and only principle that I can really practice, integrity or compassion, fuck that. Honesty is the one that I can actually work on. Because my integrity is here one minute, it's gone the next. Being really honest and truthful with myself and some other people that I trust. You know, what can I say? Okay. I sponsored six men today. I think. Several. I am slowly but surely getting to know my son and his mother. She's a really nice woman. She's a good mom. After I told the old man that I knew what he did, he had a stroke two days later, two weeks later. He still won't talk to me. I pretty much orphaned myself from my family. But they can't hurt me anymore. And I don't need them anymore. You know, hopefully one day before the old guy dies, we'll be able to sit down and have a conversation. Like a couple of adults about this. But I'm not holding my breath. As I said, I really got seduced by money and power. I thought that was what was going to keep me sober. And I worked in the motorcycle and the automotive industry for years, thinking I'm going to own my own shop one day. I'm going to have millions of dollars. And fuck that too. Like I want to be a counselor. I want to help people. I want to have a helping profession type job. Because you live the life like I do. What else are you going to do with it? You know, really. What am I going to do? I'm trying to downsize my life. I'm trying to downsize my life. I'm trying to downsize my life. I'm trying to downsize my life. I'm trying to downsize my life. I'm trying to downsize my life right now. I just walked out of, God bless her, the most powerful and intimate relationship I've ever been in. But when you find out, like I said, tolerance for bullshit goes down. I'm not going to be lied to anymore. It's not okay. And I can understand that it may not be fair for me to hold other people up to the level of honesty that I have to practice today. But out and out blatant lies, you go tell somebody else that shit. I don't have time for it. Okay. But I don't have time for it. I don't have time for it. I don't have time for it. I don't have time for it. Like I said, I did not believe in this program. I did not believe in the 12 steps. I didn't believe in you people either. I believed in God, but I thought he was trying to kill me. And it's been repeatedly shown to me that the real exercise today is to let go of my beliefs and let God do what he wants me to do. And I'm going to do it. I'm going to let go of what is blocking me to God. And, you know, I would love to hear about your spiritual practices. Please do not try and define God for me. That's entirely up to you, and you're going to sound like an idiot doing it. Really, so often it's one of the biggest stumbling blocks. People say they can't do step two or step three because they don't understand. You know what? It's not about understanding. It's about action. It's about doing whatever it takes in order to stay sober another day. And I live a beautiful life today. And I think it's available to anybody. So that's all I got. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.