Emotional Sobriety – Russell S. – UK Open Lounge – 2024

My name is Russell Spatz and I am an alcoholic. I'm from Miami, Florida. I'm in my 44th year of sobriety. I'm old. I'm 75 years old, married for almost 44 years. They told me not to do anything major during my first few months. And I got married after I was three months sober. So I think I misunderstood the instructions. Didn't think it was a big deal. But I've raised four children and sober and got eight grandchildren and self-supporting through my own contributions. And I'm 75 years old and I'm privileged to be able to do this stuff. I was told many, many years ago by someone that if you don't know what your purpose is in life, by the time you're 25 or 30 years old, you're going to be to a certain extent, neurotic. And I was one neurotic son of a gun. I can tell you that. I had no idea what my purpose was. I thought my purpose was to make you like me. I thought my purpose was to lord over people. I thought my purpose was to have sex or get involved in romance or gather up cars or money or get a job. Or jobs or prestige. I had so many purposes going on, running around on the planet. All, most of them fueled by alcohol. You know, I remember you walk into that bar and you're worrying about what other people might think about you because that's what alcoholics do. They worry about what other people are going to think about them. They're attention junkies and they're affirmation junkies and they're pleased. If you're an alcoholic like me, you're a please love me, a-holic, please don't reject me a-holic. And I'm worried about what the group is going to think about me. And I walk into this crowded bar and I have a couple of drinks and I think I own the fricking group. I think, you know, it allowed me to go up and ask a gal to dance. You know, you have a couple of drinks and you know, you walk up to a gal and you want to dance, dance with you. No, he says, no, you know, you're lost sweetie. You know? It gave me courage. It gave me everything. And so what's my deal? I'm going to just be honest with you. I guess I'll be honest. I'm thankful that they invited me back. I think I spoke here a couple of times before. It's always amazing to me that people actually invite me back and I think I was probably truthful last time. So that's really amazing. I, you know, one of the things that you do as an alcoholic is when you get up to talk, I don't do this now, but early, early on, you know, you're like, oh, I'm drunk. I'm going to get drunk. I'm going to get drunk. I'm going to get drunk. I'm going to get drunk. And so what you're going to do is you're always concerned about whether people are going to like you or not. So you're running, you're running everything through this filter in your mind. Should I say this? Should I say that? There's planning involved and I can't say this. They won't like me. I can't say that. And then you, you say whatever you say, and then you worry about what you said and everything. But either fortunately for me or unfortunately for you, that promise in the book where it says we lose fear of people and economic insecurity actually happened to me somewhere around 25 or 30 years or 35 years sobriety. And so I don't have to worry about whether or not you're going to like me. I just worry about whether the Lord likes me. I just, I just get concerned about whether I'm pleasing God or not. You know, Bill Wilson, when he was a few months sober, after he had that white light experience, once his Henry had a cyber lane, and this is all written down and Dr. Bob, we got all time. And he said to her these words, he said, because kill Bill was like me. He was an out from New York and Manhattan and sophisticated situation. And Bill said to him, he said, Henrietta, I think we shouldn't talk so much about God. And Henrietta Sutherland said this to him. He said, Bill, the only reason you're sober is because of God. So if you don't talk about God and what God has done for you, you might as well be the Rotary Club because God is your only salvation. So Bill, you got to stop worrying about pleasing alcoholics. Alcoholics been pleasing themselves all their lives. You better be more concerned about pleasing God. So those sounds and she says, finally, Bill agreed, but Bill was always worried about that stuff for a long period of time. Dr. Bob was a whole different story. Yes, Dr. Bob. What is this first things first about? He'd say, seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all things will be added unto him. So but it takes a long time. You know, the drinking, I don't even talk much about drinking anymore. I mean, I could you put a gun to my head. I'll do it, you know. But I mean, there's nothing wrong with that. To give a drunk a log. I used to live off a drunk a log and I can do it and tell some funny stories. And then I drank it. Then I drank. That's it. And I'm like, I'm going to drink it. I'm going to drink it. I'm going to drink it. I'm going to drink it. But what I prefer to talk about is emotional sobriety, because whenever I'm talking to a group of people, whether it's at a convention or a smaller venue or whatever it is, I know without any question, because, you know, when you when you've been around for 44 years, it's an interesting thing. You get to see things in the states over here. We have a commercial. It's an insurance commercial. And they and one of the things the guy says is, you know, a lot because we've seen a lot. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just I've just seen a lot of stuff. I've seen people drink at 15 years and 10 years and 20 years. I've sponsored people who are 25 years or 30 years to rock sober and they know loneliness is few do and they're not happy with their sobriety. So I know it is possible to not drink and be sober for many years and be a mental basket case and you wouldn't even know it. You might know it if they commit suicide or if they drink again. Yeah. And many times they do, but sometimes they just live lives of quiet desperation. And I know about that firsthand because that happened to me in 10 years. Sobriety says in the big book here and there once in a while, a former drinker who now stops drinking, says, feel better, look better, having a better time. But we laugh at such Sally because we know he's going to try the old game again because he's not happy about his sobriety. Sooner or no loneliness. If you do. You'll be at the jumping off place. So I assume whenever I'm talking to a group of people, there's one or two or three or five people in there that have five, 10, 20 years sobriety who are going to be drunk in six months, but they don't know it yet. So I really like talking about the, um, the emotional part of it, which is what I've been assigned to do these days. Uh, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll sort of breeze through the, what it was like. Deal. Um, with just a couple of vignettes, uh, when I was, um, you know, the, the, the big book says drinking is, but a symptom of disease. And I spent 10 years working on that symptom, the symptom don't drink and go to meetings. Don't drink. Even if your ass falls off, there ain't no thing so bad that a drink can't make it worse. Picking up the days for not drinking, talking about not drinking. And that's a good thing. There's nothing wrong with that. We all come in on that. Here's the truth of the matter. And I'm going to tell you the truth because, you know, sometimes what, what, what happens with alcoholics is they sort of like say, well, I can't really say this, or I can't really say that. Or, you know, you know, I mean, it's, it's, it's such a, it's such a losing sort of life worrying about whether or not you're going to get some guy on the first road of it. Role of an aid meeting doesn't even pay your visa bill upset because of something you said. So what I basically do is. I basically, I basically talk about the truth and whatever the Lord puts on my heart and let the chips fall where they may. You know, some people may get upset, but you know what they say, whenever you're disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. So if it disturbs you, this is my way of giving you what's called a spiritual MRI. And you don't even have to pay me a copayment. You'll just hate me for about a week or two. Say. I'm a bitch to the meeting. How can he say that? You can't do that in a, you can drive yourself crazy. I'll forget about you in about an hour. And and then you can go up to your sponsor and they'll say, put me on some sort of inventory list. Russell, he mentioned Jesus. I don't like that. And you know, it hurts my security and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he'll then you'll say, well, what did I do wrong? Well, I've been bad mouthing him for a week. I've been thinking bad thoughts about him for a week. And then you'll talk to your sponsor. Then you'll pray about it. And then you'll say, well, what did I do wrong? And then you'll say, well, I'm not going to do that. And then somewhere along the line, I'll meet you five years from now and you'll say to me something like, I used to hate you, but now I love you. And that's the way it works. And if you can do that with everybody in your life that pisses you off, if every person or thing in your life, this is you. That pisses you off. You can instead of thinking about that, you can put it on a list. You can ask God's help to relieve you of being upset. You can delve into why it upsets you so much. And you can pray about it. And making. Make amends. If you have, if you can do that with everything in your life that upsets you, then one day you may, you may find that you're living a life where nothing really upsets you too much. I wonder what that feels like to live a life with no matter how people act, they don't upset me because once you get rid of one person who upsets you for whatever reason, then every person on the planet who is like that person. Doesn't upset you any. So what you want to make sure is you get a sponsor that upsets the shit out of you. That's what you want to do. Get one of the sponsors that tells you things you don't want to hear, you know, so you can grow up and be separated out like in the six step. You know, that's the only step that separates me from the boys. And you can tell when you're doing the six step, because it's the only step that says the people that do it are trying to grow in the image and likeness of their creator. Yeah. That's what it says. That's the definition. According to a well loved clergyman, you've got to be wanting to grow more than anything else in the image and likeness of your creator. Image and likeness of God. And of course, if you don't really have an image or likeness and you don't know what the image of God is, it's going to be hard to grow into it. So that's the deal. I often say to my sponsors, make believe a make believe God gives you make believe sobriety gives you make believe freedom. You know, it gives you freedom. You know, it gives you make believe love. I said I need I need something solid. I need something. Believe me with my brain. I don't want to make believe anything. I want to find out what's real and what's true and what works. I not only want the power to stop drinking. I want the power by which I can live an incredible life of joy. I want that rocket ship ride into the fourth dimension of existence. I want that. You know, that rocket ship ride they talk about where you experience much of heaven and no peace. And apparently the only thing I need for that rocket ship ride is I have to get involved in something called the great fact, which is this and nothing less that God's got to become the central fact of my life. And I think what that means, God become the central factor of life is that's the only thing you think about. God is everything or is nothing. It's not God. What? It's not God and the woman. It's not God and the money. It's not God and what they think about you. It's not God in your car. It's not God in your weight or what the scale says. It's not God and anything else. It's just God because the central fact in your life. And the problem with that is an alcoholic, apparently. And I'm like Bill Wilson, that even if you get to the point where you surrender yourself to God and you do what they did in 1935. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, from 1935, 1937, you do the surrender and you get on your knees before you go to an AME. Even if you do that, just like Bill Wilson, in other words, you want God and he came and the white light experience happens. Apparently, according to Bill Wilson, according to me, because I've had this experience, worldly clamors, the clamors of this world, the women, the men, the money can blot out the sunshine of his presence. Yeah. Yeah. God and have him come to you and stop drinking. And then all of a sudden the men, women, circumstances, money, government can just blot him right out. And then all of a sudden now you're doing half measures, you know, half measures which avail us nothing. You know, that part of the thing that that's what it says. Unless you get rid of your old ideas, the result is nil. Unless you let go. Absolutely. There is one who has all power. That's God. I know you find him now. And I got to tell you some unfortunate news, but it's sort of true. Sometimes finding God now, sometimes making God the central fact of your life. So important to you that you'll even talk about him at an AA meeting because your relationship to him is more important than what other people think about you. Sometimes getting to that point can take 20 or 30 years. Sometimes. It doesn't have to happen after the first month or two. So what I was. So here's a couple of vignettes. So what I was. Oh, let me see. Um, old was I, I don't know. I came there when I was 31 when I was, um, I don't know, 25 years old. I got married and I had a child. I was going to become, before I got mad, I decided I was going to become an astrophysicist. I was going to be a mathematician. And I took all the courses of undergraduate school and got straight A's. I became a National Science Foundation fellow. I graduated with departmental honors in mathematics. And that's all I wanted to be a mathematician or an astrophysicist to call the courses in physics and chemistry and all that stuff. And I was in a logic class one day and into the logic class, this woman walked in with legs up to here. She was a cheerleader. And I looked at her and I said this to myself, if I only had that woman, I'd be okay. You know, that's the way I think I wake up every morning and say, if I only had that new car, I'd be okay. If I only had more money, I'd be okay. If I can only lose 20 pounds, I'd be okay. You know, if I can only get a haircut, I'd be okay. If I only, if I was, I was constantly telling myself, if I only had something, I'd be okay. You know, and believe me, if I could buy it, I'd go out there and buy it to be okay. In an instance, I have, let me tell you something. I spent money. I didn't have to buy crap. I didn't need to because people I didn't like from possibly imagine I maxed out more credit cards, trying to be okay. You know, I never realized that whenever I said to myself, I only have this, I'd be okay. I was only telling myself that I'm not okay. I'll call it slight doing that. They don't even like doing that. They're compelled to do that. If you're. An alcoholic like me, you drive around your car. Sometimes you're lathered around a ladder up in the shower sometimes. And all of a sudden you hear that voice. You guys ever hear the voice, the voice that tells you all of a sudden you hear this voice. And it says this, you're such a piece of crap. You're a loser. You're never going to be okay. Who are you kidding? You're such a fucking phone. There's something wrong with you. I look around the shower to see who's saying that crap to me. And I'm the. Only one in the shower, you know, and the bottom line is what I ultimately realized is that voice is coming. It's coming from deep down inside me. That's my reputation with me with me. And that's why I'm constantly thinking that I got to somehow prove myself or hide or not let you know what I'm really like. And that's why I walk around that feeling of being restless, irritable, discontented. You know, what fixes that? I'm an alcohol because no woman, no car. No amount of money. No, nothing ever worked for me. Just just suck suck. Never worked for me so well and so fast as just a few drinks. That's why I need just a few drinks. And so and so I drank it. And that's the deal. And when I was about, as I said, I was going to school to become a mathematician. I had applied for my Ph.D. I was going for a Ph.D. And now something called Algebraic Topology. That's what I was going to specialize. And and and I met this gal and she had her legs up to here and she was beautiful. And I said, if I only had her, I'd be OK. And so I believe I wanted what she had and I was willing to go to any length to get it. And I started, of course, as most of us do to win her and insinuate my myself into her life. And I met her father. Her father was a doctor. I met her mother. Her mother was a lawyer. I met her grandfather. Her grandfather was a lawyer. I said, man, this is a. This is a bunch of professionals. And all of a sudden I woke up one morning. I woke up one morning. I decide, you know something, I shouldn't be a mathematician. I should not be an astrophysicist. I should be a professional. That's what I should be. They are more money. They're more respected. And I went down to the medical school and they said, man, you've got great grades. We'd love to take you, but you have no biology. You just have to go back to school for a year and take biology and anatomy. And and I'm an alcohol. I ain't going to. I'm going back anywhere. There ain't no way I'm going backwards. I want what I want when I want it immediately. So I marched right over to the law school. You know, that's what I did. I marched right over to law school and they looked at my grades and they said, you have three hundred dollars. I said, yeah, I gave it to him. They said, you're in. And I got into law school. I think I took the LSAT. I got into law school. And that's why, you know, people ask me. And of course, I got into law school and I was going to law school. And I met this girl. I was a lawyer. The grandfather, the doctor, I I fit right in there. And I married that young lady. So somebody asked me and I believe this. They asked me, why did you become a lawyer? So I said, well, I like Perry Mason. I like the law. But the truth, you want to know the truth? I got I became a lawyer and switched everything in my life around to get into some gal's pants. And I'm sorry if that offends you. You must be. If that offends you, you're probably the kind of alcohol that never hoard yourself. I'm not a man that never hoards yourself out for the world, but I'm basically a world or I will do anything and become everything and say anything to get what I want. I have no principles whatsoever. I am even now. You know, I used to say this early on. I say I'm spiritual. I'm spiritual, not religious. You know, some I'm not spiritual. I've never been spirit. I don't know. I don't even understand how a person like me can declare. I don't even know. I don't even know how a person like me can declare himself righteous. I'm a good person. I'm anything you ever see in me, anything you see in me that gives you any idea that I know anything about anything having to do with spiritual or loving people or being kind to people or not thinking about myself only has nothing to do with me because I've lived myself too long with myself to know exactly who I am without God. I know exactly who I am. The evil kind of crap I do and the things I can become in a nanosecond. If I'm not making God the central fact of my life. So I'm not a spiritual guy. I'm a material man. I'm a material girl. I'm Madonna. I'm the male Madonna material man in a material world. And I will if you hit my hand with a ball began to hammer out hurt and I'm easily swayed. I'm a material man. I'm a material man. So I'm a material man. And the only set the same race I have is the same thing I have with alcohol. There will come a time in every man's life every person's life every outlaw's life. Well he'll have no defense against the first range. He'll have no defense against the first line. He'll have no defense against the first hurting somebody or saying something something bad. He'll not have no defense. His defense to the only come from his relationship with God. In my case, my relationship with the Lord. I'm my own. So I married that gal. Of course, I'm still drinking. I had a baby. I went to work for the state's attorney's office. I became a division chief prosecuting major crimes in Miami-Dade, Florida, murders and things like that. And I had a beautiful house on Miami Beach on the golf course and this beautiful wife and this beautiful child. And I don't know, one day I just found myself after hours hanging around with the homicide cops in the in the in the what is called in the in the bar was called the Alibi Lounge. And, you know, I see some people that come into AA and they say things like I have to find balance. I can't make AA. I need balance in my life. So let me tell you what I what balance is to me. I would walk into the bar at 430 in the afternoon. Hang out with the homicide cops while I had a wife and a baby at home. And I stay there till 430 in the morning. I thought nothing about drinking 12 hours in a bar with a wife and a kid at home. And then I come home drunk and I come home. And that was the deal. And that's what balance is for me. You know, I mean, that's the that's that was my deal. My wife sort of put up with that for about five years. And then one day, one Friday, I was dressed in my blue suit and my white shirt. And my red time on my way to the office. It was 7 a.m. And she came up to me and she said, Russell, I just want you to know if you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving you. Twelve words. Pretty simple. If you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving you. And she didn't want to start an argument. She was just like delivering the mail. And I heard that. And I got in my car and I was as sober physically as I am right now. But not so much sober intellectually. Inspiration. With that alcohol brain. I drove my car for about three blocks and stopped at a light. And I said this to myself. What the hell did she mean by that? When somebody tells you if you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving you. And what I learned, what I learned is that unless and until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences is sobriety to be precarious and true happiness will find none at all. And I had consequences. I had consequences. I had consequences. I had consequences. I had consequences. I had consequences. And my consequences are one of my consequences. There are many consequences is whenever somebody says something or tells me something or I read something that I don't like. It confuses me. And so my wife said as simply as possible. You come home drunk one more time. I'm going to leave you. I'm sitting there saying, what the hell did she mean by that? Because it didn't make any sense to me. So at 430 at night that same day. I came. I went up to my bar at 430. I always got to my bar half an hour early. You know, I started feeling relief as soon as I pulled up. I sat down in my chair. I ordered my usual drink, a double scotch neat. So I got to whack that down because believe me, I was in a hurry to be rocking in the fourth dimension. I'm not giving a crap. And my good friend, Doug Hartman, came up. I hadn't forgotten what my wife said. My good friend, Doug Hartman, came up. And I said to him, Doug, I got to leave. And he says. What do you mean? You got to leave. He says, Ronnie said to me, if I come home drunk one more time, she's leaving me. She's leaving me and I've got to leave. And Doug looks at me. He's one of my drinking buddies. And he puts his arm around me. And he says, Russ, you're the greatest guy in the world. I love you, buddy. Everybody loves you. You're the greatest guy in the world. Your wife adores you. Your wife loves you. She's never going to leave you. And all of a sudden I say to myself, hell, that's just what I've been thinking. I love drinking buddies. And so it seemed like a good idea to have another drink and then another drink. And next thing I know, I'm home at 430 in the morning. And next thing that happened is I'm out of the house and I'm kicked out. And that was the end of five year marriage. I lost my house. I lost my son. I lost my wife. I lost my wife. I lost everything. And I wasn't even upset about it because I had been I had been sitting in that bar for hours, for days, for years. I never physically cheated on my wife. I would just sit there for 10 hours looking at the blondes, brunettes and redheads and saying, man, if I only wasn't married, I could have that one. If I only wasn't married, I could have this one. If I only wasn't married, I could get that one. I never cheated on my wife. All I did was was leave her at home alone and saying, if I only had this, if I only had that, I'd be able to get that deal. And that was, of course, cheating on my wife. She knew I had a husband. And I remember one guy coming up to me in that bar saying, Russ, you're 26 years old, 27 years old. You got a wife. You got a child at home. Why don't you grow the hell up? What the hell are you doing here? Why don't you get out of here and go home and be a father? And be a husband and be a man and do the right thing? I don't remember anybody saying that. They would say things like, I'm buying. I'll buy this round and I'll buy that round. And so I got divorced and my plan was to become the Hugh Hefner of Miami in any event. And then I and I got divorced. And all of a sudden, on December 25th, Christmas morning at three o'clock in the morning, I found myself kicked out of a party. A gal invited me to a Christmas Eve party or father kicked me out because I was drunk because I was always drunk. I got drunk before I got to the party. And here I was. It was Christmas, 1980, three o'clock in the morning, all alone. And of course, I'm also a self-pity a holic. I used to sit by the phonograph and think about myself. Think about all those girls that hurt me. And rip my heart out. I think about my funeral. I play the Alki songs. I love Alki songs like only the lonely. I'm Mr. Blue rainy days and Mondays, all that good shit. Believe me, I don't need Alki songs to make me feel sorry for myself. Anything can make me feel sorry for myself. You know, and the bottom line is, is so I'm three o'clock in the morning and I knew I was thirty one years old. I knew my life was over. And it was never going to get better. It was never going to get better again. And that was the end of my life on the planet. And I turned on the TV and there was some preacher preaching at three o'clock in the morning. And he told and he basically gave his testimony about the gospel. And he said, look, if you want to change your life, you know, if you want to change your life, you accept Jesus into your life. It says your whole life will change and it will help you out. And I want to tell you something like a shot, like a shot. I got on my knees and I said the sinner's prayer and I think I was sincere. It's a heart attack. And I believe actually something happened. And I asked Jesus to come to my life. And it was not me. It may not look like it may not be a big deal to you. But for a Jewish kid from Great Neck, New York, it was a really big deal. My sponsor used to say to me, it was very simple. He said, you know, Russell, never rob an alcoholic of his desperation. Every alcohol has to have his last drink. And if you don't understand what I just what I did before the big book, before anything, getting down on my knees and doing that, if you don't understand that, I guess you just never been to that place. I guess you just have to be there. You know what I mean? You know, I guess you just have to be there. And that's where I was. And I did that deal. But I continued to drink for 30 days. And that doesn't mean I think nothing happened. I think something happened. Sometimes the Lord enters your life and starts rearranging the furniture and he doesn't even ask your permission. And 30 days later to the book. And I think that's what happened. I had my last drink while lying in the hospital after getting into an accident and almost killing myself and somebody else. And I had I had my last drink. And a few days later, I went to alcoholics and I picked up a white chip. I'm going to skip a little bit forward. I got myself a sponsor and I was willing and I was ready and I became stark raving sober. I was in the bank with chairman for the first two years for two years in a row at the Miami County. I became I was in charge of relay and I took if you called up for eight years for eight years in Miami, if you ever called on a Friday and Friday nights and Saturday morning to speak to somebody in alcoholics anonymous, you got me. I sponsored anything that moves. I did all the steps. You know, I went to all the conventions. I did all the speaking around. I did step series. I did everything by the book. I was Bill. Bill Wilson was. I wanted what Bill Wilson wanted. I wanted what Bill Wilson had. A was the central fact of my life. I wasn't an atheist. I would tell you I believed in God. I said this ready prayer. I held hands and said the Lord's Prayer. I didn't buck that system. But there's only one problem I have. And it's not I don't blame myself. It's a problem that I had. I had the Bill Wilson problem. World of the Clamorous. You see? Yeah. God wasn't really the normal thing about life. The number one thing is looking for the life. I was looking for validity in the eyes of a woman. The number one thing was having money. The number one thing was having a car. The number one thing was having a job. The number one thing is worrying about what you think about me. The number one. I had so many things that was crowding out God. God was like number 20th on the list unless something really went wrong. And then all of a sudden I move them up or I take them out of the glove compartment. Of course, every time I went to an A meeting, I take him out of the trunk. He was right next to the tire. You know what I mean? The spare tire. And I take him up to my A meeting. But I certainly wasn't going to talk about him. I wasn't going to talk about him. You know, this is great line in the gospel. It says where the Lord says it says, if you're ashamed of me before people, I'll be ashamed of you before God. And I can tell you something. I was ashamed of God. I was you know what I was in AA. I was a spiritual agnostic. I was a liar. I was what they talk about in the seven step. I was the guy where I was said I believed in God and I had a misbelief. But my faith was barren and didn't give me anything. You know why? Because I was ashamed of God. I was ashamed of talking about God. See, I wanted to be cool. I wanted you. I wanted you to reject me. Well, I'm not reject me to accept me. The last thing I want is with somebody to look funny at me because I was one of those freaks or something that believe in God. That's super stuff. Because the one thing I pride myself in is I always pride myself. The fact that I was the smartest guy in the room. And I know I knew that people thought that people believed in God were stupid. So I never paid attention to real when I when I read this stuff in the big book, you know, even though Bill Wilson, not false numbers, alcoholics, number three said the Lord's been so wonderful to me. Currently, this terrible disease that I get keep talking about and telling other people and gave all credit to God, even though the big book said it says we never. Turn off. Let me turn off my phone. I'm sorry. Oh, well, forget it. And we never apologize for God. The truth of the matter is, I was scared that you might find out that I actually believed in God. It wasn't the most important thing in my life. Somebody. Sponsor. You trying to call me? Sorry about that. Let's hope he doesn't. And I read all this stuff. The big book. I will read the page. Our real reliance has to be on God. You will show you how to create the fellowship. We've prayed and all that sort of stuff. But the bottom line is, bottom line is, how do you decline this thing? I hope you guys can hear that ringing. But the bottom line is, my life was not a life where God was the central factor. My life. My life was my job. I was a part of it. I was a part of it. I was a part of it. I was a part of it. I was a part of it. I was a part of it. I was a part of it. I was a part of it. And I was a part of it. You have to hear that ring. But the bottom line is, my life was not a life where God was the central factor of my life. My life was my job was the central factor in my life. What you thought about me was the central factor of my life. Money was a central factor in my life. What I looked like on the outside, all the vanity stuff was the central factor in my life. I had a lot of things that crowded God out of my life. And you know what Bill Wilson says, worldly clamors, mostly within myself, blocked out his presence. And so I found myself, I got remarried to a wonderful gal. We had a bunch of kids and I found myself in 10 years sobriety, 10 years sobriety. And I was and I decided to get a divorce. Because she had we had had an argument and she said something to me and, you know, she asked, I don't know, she disrespected me. And I was 10 years sober. I was doing everything in AA. I was doing everything in AA. And I walked up to my sponsor, my sponsor, Joe Snyder. And I said, Joe, I said, I said, I got a divorce, my wife. And he said and I said, let me tell you what she did. And I spent about 20 minutes telling him in detail what she had done to me. She said this and I said that and she said this. And I said, I've been signed up for this crap. You know, I'm getting out of here. I can't handle this kind of stuff. And he said to me this. These are the words he said to me. He said, well, why are you upset? And I said, what are you talking about, Joe? Why am I upset? He says, why are you upset? I said, Joe, I just spent 20 minutes, a half an hour telling you in detail what she said to me. I told you in detail what she did to me. I told you in detail exactly what happened. That's why I'm upset. And he looked at me, said, Russell, that's not why you're upset. I said, what do you mean? That's not why I'm upset. He says, that's not why you're upset. He said, Russell, that's not why you're upset. I said, he says, Russell, that's not why you're upset. I said, what are you? He says, Russell, that's not why you're upset. And then I I sort of shut up for a second. And then I said, what you says, Russell, that's not why you're upset. And then he just looked at me and I looked at him. And, you know, somehow in my mind, I had a feeling that he knew. Why. I was upset. was upset and you know being incredibly interested in knowing myself and why I might have been upset I looked at him and I said do you know why I'm upset and he says absolutely I said you know why I'm upset he says absolutely it's easy I know exactly why you're upset I said you know exactly why I'm upset he says absolutely and then he shut up and I looked at him I said well are you going to tell me why I'm upset and he said do you really want to know I said well of course I want to know why am I upset and now I'm begging him to tell me he says why am I upset and he says and this is exactly what he said to me because my sponsors always respected me he looked at me and said listen stupid you're upset because you're upset because you're upset you're upset you're upset I said what is this zen a a he says I'm just telling you you're upset because you're upset that's why you're upset and now we're talking emotional sobriety you know one time a guy bounced a $50 check on me and he bounced a $50 check on me and it cost me to bounce checks and I was talking about that guy and hating that guy for a week you know and I put him on the list and everything like that but I couldn't stop thinking about that check then finally my sponsor came up to me he says you're talking about this guy who bounced the check on you and he said yeah he set the $50 check and he says well he says well what- why don't you keep on trying to find out what this was he says it's the guy who bounced the check on me I had to bounce checks I had to close my account he said russell what if it didn't bother you and I looked at him If he didn't bother you would you see jerry brash as asking him why do you view vaan justification? And I said, I don't understand the question. I said, well, what if it didn't bother you? I said, Bob, I swear to God, I don't understand the question. He said, it's very simple. What if it didn't bother you? I said, I don't understand the question. He says, listen, the question is very simple, Russ. The guy bounced a $50 check on you, right? Yeah, you're upset, right? Yeah, he says, what if it didn't bother you? I said, I swear to God, Bob, I don't understand. What do you mean, what if it didn't bother you? Because I would always say, well if it happened to you you feel the same what do you mean what if it didn't bother you he said it's a very simple question what if it didn't bother you in other words you're asking me what if it didn't bother me that he bounced the 50 check on me is that the question he says yes what if it didn't bother you that he bounced the 50 check on you and i sat there i thought i said well if it didn't bother me i'd be okay and he said there you go and walked away five minutes five minutes russell so the bottom is and then he said there you go and he walked away and that's the exact same thing that my uh my my third sponsor my second sponsor joe snyder said to me later on when he says your problem is not what happened it's that you're upset about and things upset you until you get to the point where you don't get upset at all you're always going to have a problem so i'm going to tell you one more story about emotional sobriety you one more story this happened six months ago seven months ago you know they say the test step is about restraining tongue and pen and they uh and all i can tell you this i'm not totally perfect on this but i don't worry about what people think about me most of the time and i don't spend a lot of time worrying about the bank account or money or stuff like that i just rely on god and the only reason that happened is because the 10 years sobriety when i was going down the tubes i walked up to some guy and made the mistake of walking up to him and i say told him all my stories that you need to start going to bible study and i explained to him that he didn't understand i go to aaa and i'm spiritual not religious and he says that's what you need to do he said you need to develop a belief in serious to belief in god and make him the center factor of your life and that's what i've been doing for 33 years and i think i would throw that in there it doesn't mean you have to do that but it worked for me and the bottom Bottom line is this. So the other day, about six months ago, my last story, which has something to do with emotional sobriety, is I walked out of my bedroom one morning and my lovely wife was there. My wife of 43, almost 44 years was there and she was bringing out from the outside this huge package and this huge package said industrial strength. I don't know. It was like a vacuum cleaner or something like that. It was something that takes off steam cleaner, industrial strength, steam cleaner. And I looked at it and I could tell right away that it was a $500. I mean, it was like Price is Right. I looked at it saying that's $500. She got it from Amazon. They delivered it. And so I'm already starting today $500 in the whole. Now, listen, money isn't everything, but it's like right up there with oxygen. You know what I mean? And so there it is. It's already $500 in the hole. And I say to her, oh, you bought a steam cleaner. She says, yes, I did. And then she walks outside and she brings in another package, same exact package. And it's a steam cleaner. And I say, oh, you bought another steam cleaner. He says, yes, I did. So now I'm $1,000 in the hole. And I didn't even think we needed a steam cleaner. So I say to my wife simply this. I ask her. I ask her this question, a normal question. I say, why did you buy two? And she says, because I wanted two. And I'm about to ask the next question, which I said, which I'm pretty sure had the F word in it. I'm pretty sure it had the F word in it. You know, I remember now and it was coming in my brain. I was about to ask the next question. And all of a sudden I heard this voice. The voice, the still small voice, the Lord. And it said this to me. It said, Russell, you have just gotten the best answer you're ever going to get from this woman. That's the best answer you're ever going to get. And so I smiled and I walked away and I forgot about the whole thing. I just forgot about it. I just went away and walked away. And it didn't upset me. It upset me for a nanosecond. And I walked away three days later. Now, for the rest of the story, three days later, I'm having my workshop every Saturday. I have a three hour workshop with sponsors and stuff. And I have a couple of my sponsors there. I think Sheldon was there. And I have a couple of my sponsors there. It's on Zoom and everything. We're setting up. And my wife is outside with the steam cleaner. And I walk outside there. She's sitting there with the steam cleaner. And I say, what's going on? She says, the steam cleaner is not working. So I say, well, sweetheart, why don't you just get the other steam cleaner? And she says to me, I knew you couldn't let it go. I knew you couldn't let it go. You couldn't let it go, could you? Well, I got that steam cleaner for your information from my cousin. That's why I got it. And you couldn't let it go. I started. I'm laughing. I was just so happy that I had witnesses. You know, I would announce it is funny. And now all it is, it's just a story I tell an AA about, I guess. I think it's about emotional sobriety. What do you think? I don't know. Just the book. But, you know, she had been carrying that hand grenade in her pocket. That's my wife asking me, why am I screaming like a maniac? Because of your story that I'm telling. And so that's that's the way it is. You. Right now, I don't have too many things that upset me. And it's only because that I can only tell you this. The more I put God into my life and the more it becomes the central fact of my life, the more I become undisturbed. The more I focus on him and that means talking about him. That means building a fellowship around me where they talk about him. The more that happens to me, the less I pay attention to. Ninety five percent of the stuff that goes around. Me. That and the fact, of course, that I have dementia also helps. Well, I think it's the reason I think it's dementia. As I told my wife, I said, I think I'm finally emotionally sober. She says, no, that's just dementia. Either way, it works. So thank you very much. That's all I have to say.