Emotional Sobriety – Karen C. – Franciscan Renewal Center – 2012

Thank you for that fabulous Arizona welcome. I just love your country. My name is Karen. I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is September 6, 1989. My sponsor's name is Michael Earl. She is a sponsor. I sponsor women. My home group is Tawako, New Jersey. You have no idea what that is, but that's okay. I tell you that so you know that I'm a woman in good standing in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that's what I was taught to say when I'm standing at the podium. Before we get started, I just wanted to do a little bit of housekeeping, like I'm sure you're wondering why I have a nickel on top of your agenda. Well, first of all, it's to beg forgiveness because I'm not really good at sticking to the agenda, although I'll try very hard. But the reason there's a nickel on there is my first sponsor's name was... Karen. And she used to tell me this. She used to say, you know what? Alcoholics Anonymous is a million-dollar program. Stuck up your new, you know what, a nickel and a tie. Okay, so you actually earned a nickel by sending in that form and agreeing to try on something new. You know, so that's why I have a nickel on the table. So put it in your pocket. And whenever somebody in your recovery life or in your life has just a magical moment, isn't that just like a, ah, give them a nickel? Because that's what we are. We earn this. We learn it. It's either blessings or it's blessings. We're either learning something new or we're blessed by what we did. So that is part of the story that I'm here to share you with. I wanted to explain the booklet for you and the reason why I wanted you to have the literature you have. I hit an emotional bottom in my recovery, although I was in the middle of the wagon and I'm sponsoring women and I'm doing the workshops and I'm, you know, doing what I'm supposed to be doing when I was 12 years sober. And my sponsor at the time, she said to me that this is all about the gift I have of surrender of self. So we started on a new journey. And the way that I have experienced and had my opportunity to... grow and change was through the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous. So the first thing we did is you, if you open up the front cover of your big book, you know, you see a bunch of books, other books to read. You know, I'm a student of the big book. I love the big book. It's the greatest love story ever told. It's just fabulous. And so I began looking at at that other literature. And at that same time, you know, we all have our personal problems and we all have our personal journeys going on through this recovery process. And I was disassociated from a lot of them emotionally. So I had picked up and I had picked up some of the information from all those places. So the reason for the books and why Karen said bring the books is because the literature is all over the map this weekend. All of it comes from the literature. It's referenced in the book that the handout that you have. We're not going to go through that whole handout. We're going to do bits and pieces, but it's there for you. Whenever you... want to go through the details of the book itself. So I wanted to tell you about that. I also wanted to stop for a minute and tell you about Keeping the Spirit Alive. Keeping the Spirit Alive was a retreat that grew out of this place that I was at where I needed more, wanted more. It is an opportunity for people to gather and grow in their spirituality in a different way through music, songs, literature, sharing. Through many, many different things. Through meditation and prayer. We try to discover ways to improve our meditation practice, our prayer practice, and in a way that makes sense to this stubborn, defiant, alcoholic me. And I know you know what I mean. So I want to start with the set-aside prayer because I'm going to ask you for a moment. Is anyone familiar with the set-aside prayer? Okay, great. So God of our understanding, I want to surrender right here, right now, everything I think I know about the recovery process, the book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the step book, for a new experience. I want to understand immediately at this time, here and now, that I have a new experience right before me, through all of you. Okay, now I can start. All right, so... When I was 12 years sober, I had a heart decision to make, and I was in a extremely abusive relationship. I had married the guy of my dreams, you know, the guy in the white, white horse, and I come from a long line of alcoholics, and on that, that, that relationship was not chosen on solid ground. It was because a way out of where I lived. And we proceeded to snuff the life out of each other, basically. And and, um, I ended up in the battered women's shelter. And everyone told me along the way, you know, you need to do this, you need to do that, you should be doing this, and you should be doing that, but I couldn't hear you. I couldn't hear you. I was blocked. I was blocked from doing the next right thing. I was blocked from taking the right action. I was blocked. Couldn't do it. I have three kids. Um, it was just too hard. And I learned here... Um... Um... Um... Um... Um... Thank you. And I learned here, I learned about financial security. I've learned here about emotional security. But I didn't learn here about spiritual security. And it was spiritual security and the decision that God is everything or God is nothing, what was it to be, that changed my life. And that information really came to me through Bill Wilson's article, Emotional Sobriety and New Frontier. And we're going to read that article tonight and then we're going to break into small group and if you have questions, this is interactive. Please raise your hand. We'll talk about it. If you have questions you want to ask outside the group, please we'll talk about it. This is your workshop. This is our retreat, our short time together so that we all can grow in effectiveness and understanding of the God and we can help God's kids because that's our job. That's our only job. So at the time when this was going on, you know, the choice was either to flee. When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I couldn't sit still. You know, ADD is part of my story and I just couldn't sit still. And I'd be itching and I live on the East Coast and so I would get in my car and I'd drive 80 West. And I'd drive until I couldn't drive and I'd turn around and then I'd go home. Just to stay away from a drink or other myriad things that we all did. And on my 90 day, my friends gave me an orange t-shirt that said 80 West. You know, because everyone has their own deal. Some people isolate while I flee. I mean, I flee, I flee, I flee. Well, I didn't lose that disassociation or disassociate space out, remove myself emotionally for a long time. And when life came crashing down as it does in all of our lives and when I was 12 years sober, it was either stand tall, believe that God has my back, and find out what are my blocks. What are these things that are blocking me from contented sobriety? What are these things that are preventing me from having the freedom? I had relief. I had freedom. I had opportunities galore. My life looked better. I got better. My kids and I were speaking. You know, I wasn't showing up at the bus stop drunk. I wasn't, you know, I was doing what I said I'd do. You know, the constant lying and deceiving and lying by omission. That had all changed, but I still didn't have the freedom. And I didn't have the freedom until I touched that touchstone of God's everything or God's nothing. What is it to be? So, emotional sobriety for me is a journey of perspective. It is all in my attitude. It's all in my choice. My discovery, and this weekend, well hopefully you'll discover what we found, is I have one thing and that is I have choice and I can do it or I can't. I have right here, right now. I have an opportunity to take action or not take action. That's about it. Now, the kind of person I was, that didn't settle so well when I started on this journey, you know? Because I thought I knew. I thought I knew, and I didn't know. So, in the beginning of the workbook that we're going to be going all over the place, and there's an introduction in here. Most of what I'm telling you is in the book, so you can flip through it at your leisure. But doing what's suggested here will cause you to let go of some parts of self or ideas that you're previously had, and you know, I think of in How It Works where it says the results are nil until we let go absolutely. I never got that until I did this work to really see, well what is that anyway? What's nil? The results of what is it? How do I let go if I don't get it? How do I go underneath? And what it's given me is I am less limited today than I used to be. I am, for the most part, more open minded to hear you, because I couldn't hear you. I simply couldn't hear. I was so blocked. So the primary purpose is to offer those additional tools that will enable you to be able to take advantage of the three spiritual gifts that we get by the time we go through the process of the 12 steps. For me, it's nothing short of a miracle. Nothing short of a miracle. Okay. So, in this study, several years ago I was asked to do an emotional sobriety workshop for a group in Louisville, Kentucky. And they said, make sure it doesn't have anything to do with the steps. And I'm sitting there going, really? So what do we do? Reward it? So I worked with my sponsors, Michael and Polly, and I worked with them and Polly and Michael do an unbelievable workshop on emotional sobriety. And because they are my sponsorship line, I hear it. I know what they're doing. They take me through the work in that manner. But one of the things that I started to think about is, well, what was Bill's perspective when he started writing that article that so impacted me? What was his perspective? How did he look at what was emotional sobriety? What did that mean to him when he was writing the literature at four years sober, five years, eight years, till he's 18 years sober and he's jumping off of a cliff because he can't stand the way he feels? You know, where was he at? And that's the study that we did. I befriended several people in the history side of Alcoholics Anonymous and one is Anna Perch and she is the director up at Stepping Stones. Does anyone bet up to Stepping Stones in New York? Okay. Well, Anna is just a wealth of knowledge. Just a wealth of knowledge. Kind of like Gail LaCroix from Akron. And so we went to her. I said, okay, I had this article but where's the rest of the letter that referred to in As Bill Sees It? The As Bill Sees It gives you a ton of information. So we started looking it up. Now this is my As Bill Sees It book. Okay. It wasn't mine at first. It became a treasure. When I was five years sober, my son was stricken with kidney failure. He was 14 at the time from a virus. And he long story short, he had a virus that was attacking all of his organs. And he had an event one night that was just beyond scary. He got into hypertension crisis and all that stuff. And they kept telling me, well, if he makes it through this, he'll need a kidney transplant. But it was this if. It was this if. And it was one of these chronic nights and one of these big problems. And I'm in the emergency room over at Morristown Memorial. And I walk upstairs and his blood pressure was 220 over 200. And as you know, that stroke. And that's where he was. And this thing made him. So he was blind temporarily. And I'm pacing back and forth. And he's up in a dialysis room as well. And who do I bump into but this woman. And she looks really familiar. You know. And the God is everything or God is nothing deal comes in here. And I'm looking at her and she said to me, are you okay? And I said, absolutely not. And she hands me her book. And she says to me, you know, just open up a page. So we opened up a page. And I did. And I have the page that I opened up to. And it's called God's Gifts. Because you see, the God of my understanding and my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous is if I'm willing and if I'm just trying, the teachers appear. And they come. And they come. And they come. And as long as I set aside everything I think I know about what they're saying, I might just hear exactly what I need to hear. So she reads me this and she said, we see that the sun never sets upon AA's fellowship. Never sets. That more than 350,000 have now recovered from our malady. That we are everywhere. And we've begun to transcend the formidable barriers of race and creed and nationality. This assurance that so many of us have been able to meet our responsibilities for sobriety, for growth, and effectiveness in this troubled world will surely fill us with the deepest joy and satisfaction. And I looked at her and I said, I don't feel very joyful. You know, but that woman, her name is Sylvia, she was another messenger from this power brand, myself, who just said hang in there, all will turn out well. Or just as it should be. And she died shortly thereafter. And she had given me her book. But we took this book and I started to look up his references to emotional sobriety, which would be a part of a letter, part of a great article. Something in AA Comes of Age, which forced me into reading of the literature. So they're referenced in the book in here, and I'm not going to go through all that, but you have where the references are. And Anna was of great value in telling me where Bill was at. You know, from the letters they have and from the history that they have sitting up there and from what she has uncovered, Bill was so depressed. And he was so sad. Now can you picture it? Here's the leader of Alcoholics Anonymous without being able to really go to a meeting. Without really being able to have the fellowship he craves. And so he decided, well, you know what? There's got to be another way that I can find my way around here. So in the yellow part of the book, he wrote this article on emotional sobriety. And I want to work through this tonight before we get into our first group because this is kind of setting the stage for what happened next. What happened next? What color is yours? Blue. Okay, the blue. It's the third tab. Now for me, this article said a whole lot because it talked to the alcoholic like me who was really scrambling in my emotions because I didn't want to drink and I didn't want to use dry goods and I didn't want to do, you know, the debting deal. I didn't want to do any of that. And I was isolating and I knew it and I wasn't telling you the truth because I couldn't. Not because I didn't want to. And I have worked with hundreds of women and we worked through this and there is some point that happens, men and women, between 10 and 18, 20 years of recovery where we hit a new surrender and that's the surrender of self. And that's the surrender that Bill addresses in this letter. And I have found as much as I was holding on to, I think I know, about this one article when it did happen to me where I could just try on something new and this is how it was presented to me. Picture yourself, you're at your dinner table and you just finished supper and you take your plate and you just move it aside and you're waiting for dessert because dessert is the best that's yet to come, right? And you're waiting for your dessert to be put on your table. So you're waiting for dessert and we set it aside. We set it aside. It might not be working. It might be kind of, sort of working for a new idea that might just bring you to where you need to be. Bring you to what's going to open up the block that's preventing that sunlight of the spirit from entering your heart and soul. Just might, baby. This article opened up my eyes in a little way and then it brought us into how do we take those new feelings, those new understandings, through the steps. Alright, so he starts like this. We'll put our AA booze cure to severe but successful tests we'll find they often lack emotional sobriety. How many can relate to that? Yeah, right? Perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development in AA the development of much more real maturity and balance which is to say humility in our relationship with ourselves, with our fellows, and with our God. One of the definitions that Bill goes over and over again with humility is simply, to him, it's truth. It's the truth to be able to see myself exactly as I am not as I would have be. It's the truth. And when you read the articles that's what he keeps referring to. So when we take that term and you think that's what he's talking about here this even makes more sense. So those adolescent urges that so many of us have for top approval, perfect security and perfect romance, which is quite appropriate to age 17 prove to be an impossible way of life when we are at 47 or 57. Who can relate to this? Seriously, right? Old ideas. That's an old idea. Since AA began I've taken immense wallops in all these areas because of my failure to grow up emotionally and spiritually. My God, how painful it is to keep demanding the impossible. Now, and ask yourself, do I do that? How do I do that? Does that really apply to me? And how very painful to discover finally that all along we have had the cart before the horse. Then comes the final agony of seeing how awfully wrong we have been, but still finding ourselves unable to get off the emotional merry-go-round. At this time I told you that I had separated from my husband we were um I was right. What can I tell you? There I was. I was right. It was crazy, but I was staying in this defiant I am right. And in this defiant I am right, I was getting very sick. And I couldn't let it go. I couldn't let him free. I couldn't forgive it. I wouldn't forgive it because I was hanging on to being right and I was right. So when harms are done to you and you are right we as alcoholic addicts pay an unbelievable price tag for being right. We can't afford it. It makes us sick. It makes us spiritually sick. Because God says to us hey I love you just like you are. I need you. I want you. I can't help you if you don't let me in. So that's exactly where I was at and I could see it because I would say well where am I finding myself unable to get off the emotional merry-go-round. Well if you came from the family that I came from you'd understand why I feel this way. But feelings aren't facts and what's the price tag? What's the payoff? How come you're feeling that way? Let's talk about that. Let's get to the motive under the motive under the motive. When we did that it just cleared away so much pain for myself. How to translate a right mental conviction into a right emotional result seriously right? And so into easy happy and good living well that's not only the neurotics problem it's the problem of life itself. For all of us who have got to the point of a real willingness to hew that means really work to right principles in all our affairs we're asked to do that but do you know what that really means? You know these principles in all our affairs what does that really mean for us? You know so I began to ask myself those same questions. Well where do I stand on this? And remind it all along this is not about right or wrong it's not about good or bad it's just about where you're at. And where you're at isn't a judgment call it isn't a criticism it's just where you're at. Because like all of us suffer and Bill really explains it in this article so well from that spiritual malady explained on 52 in our book we all suffer from the spiritual malady in some degree or another. Where it says in that line you can't make a living that's really referring to I can't get along. I couldn't get along with people I couldn't get along in situations so he's identifying that's problem of life itself. So he goes on to say I didn't mean to be that way just like when I drank you know people would say what is wrong with you? I didn't mean to. Right? I didn't mean to. And as you go along in recovery we understand where you have the physical allergy with the mental obsession we get it. But all those behaviors all those ideas also go to the spiritual side of my life and I was unwilling me to really give it all. So those principles took force in my life absolutely. Did they do what they could do what they do today? Not until I let them. That's what's so cool about this. It's all about what do you want to do? Okay so even then as we hew away he says peace and joy may still elude us. Who's there? Peace and joy may still elude us. That's the place of many of us AA oldsters have come to and it's a hell of a spot literally. How shall our unconscious from which so many of our fears, compulsions, and phony aspirations still stream be brought into line with what we actually believe no one want? How to convince our dumb raging and hidden Mr. Hyde becomes our main task? I've recently come to believe that this can be achieved. I believe so because I begin to see so many benighted ones, folks like you and me, commencing to get results. Last autumn several years back depression, having no real rational cause at all, almost took me to the cleaners. Who's been there? In our room. I began to be so scared I was in for another long chronic spell considering the grief I've had with depression. It wasn't a good prospect. I asked myself why can't the 12 steps work to release depression? By the hour I stared at the St. Francis prayer. It's better to comfort than to be comforted. Here was the formula alright but why didn't it work? Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence. Absolute dependence on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. In failing to get these things according to my perfectionistic dreams and specifications I had fought for them and when defeat came so did my depression. Oh my God. Can you all relate to that? There wasn't a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis so joyful and joyous way of life until those fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away. Because I had over the years undergone little spiritual development the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what grace I could secure in prayer I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, and indeed upon any set of circumstances whatsoever. Then only could I be free to love as Francis had. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions I saw were really the extra dividends of having love, of offering love, and of expressing a love appropriate to each relation of life. Plainly I could not avail myself of God's love until I was able to offer it back to him by loving others as he would have me. I couldn't possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies. For my dependency meant demand, a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me. And while these words absolute demand may look like a gimmick they were the ones that helped to trigger my release into my present degree of stability, quietness of mind, qualities which I am now trying to consolidate by offering love to others regardless of the return to me. I can tell you a story and as you know I don't know who has teenagers. I have at the time my youngest daughter was getting married. When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous she was four years old. Very rocky, she's the youngest of the three. So rocky relationship and she is absolutely idolized as her dad. Now my sponsor, I had really good direction, would say things to me when I'd be complaining about him. The kids didn't ask to be born and you know this kind of stuff. So in other words, keep them out of the fight. And I kept them out of the fight. So Megan is getting married and we are not seeing eye to eye. He and his father and we're separated and all of that. And she absolutely went to the left side of the moon. I don't know, bridezilla? On steroids maybe would describe what happened. And when this all happened I was footing the bill for all of it. Let's say the financial side fell over to me. And it wasn't working on his side. So I was doing all this stuff and trying to make this magical experience work and anyone who's gotten their kids married can understand it is just trauma. It's a financial, I don't know, I'm at the podium so I won't say what I'm really thinking but you know what it is. I kept saying, don't you just want me to write you a check? Do we have to do all this? But instead, no, we did all this. And she, it was absolutely, it was heartbreaking to be treated so poorly by your kids. I was heartbroken. And afterwards I was talking to a really good, you know, sponsor-friend relationship I have and I had just gotten a phone call from a sponsee who called me up and she said, can you define spiritual malady? You know, one of those kind of calls. And I'm like, well, let's see. And so we have this conversation. I immediately call my friend and I hear myself talking. And I have to tell you, here's what I remember. I remember when I was there, the only thing that worked was love. The only thing that worked when I was in that kind of pain, when I was so separated from you, when I'm isolated from you, was love. The only thing. Then it occurred to me, you know what? What if I just love her where she's at? And little by slowly she and I started to have our relationship rebuild. Call her up and I said, hey, I'd like to meet you for lunch. Now, mind you, she was wrong and I was right. Okay? Mind you. So that's still the mindset. And I told you, all I do is set that idea aside. I'm for a new idea because this is painful. I was in a lot of pain with this. I love my daughter. So I said, can I meet you for lunch? And of course she brings her new husband along to protect her, I'm sure. Couldn't say much of anything. And we met in a diner. Jersey's good with diners. You know, met in a diner. And then the next week I said, hey. And little by slowly our relationship started to build. And I gotta tell you, our relationship today, and this is three years later, is phenomenal. Because God fixed it. I didn't. All I did was set aside what I think I know and let love fix it. And that's what he's saying here. So is it a false dependency? Is it an expectation? Was it something like that? Absolutely. I expected her to behave better. I expected to be have a gracious attitude for a $50,000 wedding. You know? At least say thank you. Something. Didn't have any of that. But then again, every time I really look at what my expectations did to me based on I think you owe me, which is a false dependency, it's created a lot of havoc in my life. So that kind of explains what he's talking about here. So he goes on to say in our article this seems to be the primary healing circuit. A healing circuit. An outgoing of God's love's creation and his people by means of which we'll avail ourselves of his love for us. So meaning I have to love you first. Not look for the outcome. So it's almost clear that the current can't flow until our paralyzing dependencies, I expect you to say thank you, are broken. And broken at that. Only then can we possibly have a glimmer of what adult love is really like. So spiritual calculus you say? Not a bit of it. Watch any of six months working with the new 12 step case. If the case says to the devil with you, the 12 stepper only smiles and turns to another case. He doesn't feel frustrated or rejected. In his next case response he in turn starts to give love and attention to other alcoholics. Yet gives none back to him and the sponsor is happy about it anyway. He still doesn't feel rejected instead he rejoices that his one time prospect is sober and happy. And if his next following case turns out in later time to be his best friend or romance then the sponsor is most joyful. But he knows that his happiness is a byproduct, an extra dividend of giving without any demand of return. I can do that kinda sorta. Right? It depends on who it is. That's where I was at with all this. It was really depending upon who you are, maybe I can do that. And that's not what this is about. This is about God's everything or he's nothing and includes everybody. The really stabilizing thing for him was having and offering love to that strange drunk on his doorstep. That was Francis at work, powerful and practical, minus dependency and minus demand. In the first six months of my own sobriety I worked hard with many alcoholics. Not a one responded. Yet this work kept me sober. It wasn't a question of those alcoholics giving me anything. My stability came out of trying to give not of demanding what I receive. Thus I think I can work out with emotional sobriety. This is the magic. If we examine examine every disturbance we have great or small we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequence unhealthy demand. So what does that mean? That means if I'm upset and it's about something big or it's about something small it comes back to me to find out what's going on for me. So what is that disturbance? Because if we don't at this point in our recovery process my disturbance is usually because I'm not getting what I want or I'm going to lose something I have. Seriously. We go back to that. Has my ego rebuilt itself? Is that where I'm at? Have I become an agnostic again? Is that where it's at? So because we have an unhealthy demand that means that the person over behind me is probably going to get the consequences of my feelings more than anybody else. So then he goes on to say let us with God's help continually surrender these hobbling demands. I love the word hobbling. He's just telling you where it's at. There's no judgment. No criticism. It's like let's look at that. Can you surrender that? Is it worth it? What's the payoff for staying in it? I can think of any alcoholic rationalization to pay off as staying right. I can justify it. We're really good at that. Spend a lot of years practicing that trait. You know? So it says then we can be set free to live and to love. Then we'll be able to do twelve step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety. Imagine. You know many times you hear sayings like yeah, just be the big book. The walking big book in case somebody can't read it. Right? It's attraction or promotion. But you can't give away what you haven't got. You know we look at this and say God can I possibly unblock the blocks that block me? Absolutely not. You need him to help you. Can I look at it and say well it could be this, it could be that. I could be fighting an uphill battle on something that isn't even my business. You know? Sometimes my perception of something isn't the reality of what it really is. You know? And that's where why I have found it necessary to just talk through what's going on. So Bill goes on to say of course I haven't offered you any really new idea only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own hexes at depth. Nowadays my brain no longer races compulsively into elation, grandiosity or depression and I've been given a quiet place in the bright sunshine. It's a pretty cool promise right? So when I started to embrace this article as something that I really needed to work on myself we began a daily practice of the Saint Francis prayer every morning. Just try it. I know today's his birthday. That's right we're supposed to tell you it's his birthday. So we started a practice and um I was saying the Saint Francis saying the Saint Francis prayer every morning and I gotta tell you that it really changed my perspective. I would catch myself thinking about me first. Imagine that. I would catch myself you know putting my motive underneath the motive and you know trying to manipulate a situation to work out just perfect. You know what I mean? I catch myself doing it though whereas prior to this you know on the step book addresses this a lot it'll talk about it's underneath the level of consciousness. We just don't see it until somebody points it out. You just know it doesn't feel right. You know you can feel it in your gut. You know I can feel it in my gut and it's just not working out right. I can feel it but I can't touch it. I can't hear you kind of thing. You know Joe McHugh in his book The Steps We Took has a fabulous essay that he talks about how we need to get in touch with our instincts because our instincts drive us. And when he talks about our instincts driving us he's talking about I don't know what your triggers are. My trigger happens to be emotional anyone who touches this emotional security I can go ballistic. You know what I mean? I don't get triggered by money as much as I do by what you think of me. Because underneath all that drama and underneath all that everything I came to you a person that didn't feel very good about themselves. You know the hole in the soul was pretty big about any self worth. And I know many of you feel the same way. That hole in the soul was a driver. But I found at 12 years of sobriety that I was still feeding the hole in the soul. So I just we discovered in the process what to do about that and how to bring it to the surface. And how to learn how to it's okay that I cry in public well that never would happen. High five brothers you don't cry. You know what I mean? So we learn as we go and as we're learning how we're going through life. And I think that clearly states in this article that any disturbance great or small can trace itself back to an unhealthy dependency. But the only way I've ever found to do that is through the steps. Is taking it through the work. Is taking it through step 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. It's the only way I've ever been able to do it. So Joe McHugh talks a great deal. He has this one page in that book and it really talks about the instincts of life. Right before he died he wrote a new manuscript so the basic instincts of life a guide to live by. I don't think it's printed yet but in there he talks how every alcoholic every alcoholic if you're in touch with how you rock and roll you'll get ahead of this. If you're in touch with how you react in any given situation and you know that's your trigger hey man work with it. Work with it. We can't deny it because it is us. Our human condition is going to be here the entire time we're doing this. God can only work with me if I'm working with me. So the instincts of life he describes them when they're affected. When those instincts are affected in any way I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach something's not working here. Normally it's fear and then I'll tell you what it goes to I'll show him I'm not going to do it that way. I'm telling you it just goes so fast it's like clockwork. But since working like this I can stop it at that doesn't feel so good. And I don't have that instantaneous reaction to act out on you. Because I like that idea that I'm here to take care of God's kids. I like that idea that I grow in effectiveness and understanding. I like feeling peace and calm in my life. I like doing the next right thing automatically without thinking about it. I like it. I like how I feel. I feel so free. I don't like it when I get disturbed like this. So when Bill described it as every disturbance great or small has an unhealthy dependency it helps you to uncover things. It helps you to uncover what's the motive under the motive that I keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over again. It helps me to learn my lesson. I haven't found a skill to not do it. Why am I stuck in this financial insecurity? Why isn't it working for me? It's working for you. Why can't I have friends? Why don't I have the romance of my life? Why don't I live in the house I want to live in? Do I think you manifest it? I absolutely think you have a great deal to do with what you got today. It's all my decisions. I didn't really like that verdict when it was given to me. But I can tell you today I like it because guess what? I can do something different if it isn't working right. So if I can acknowledge the problem that I have the problem and it's all mine I also have the solution and it's all me. That is a really empowering place to be. And then if you combine that with, does God have my back? Yep. God's got my back. So much so that as that onion peels, new stuff pops up and you go, oh my God, where did that come from? You know, I find that those old character defects don't all go away. They get all tamed, you know, and then you might not be in that spiritual beam they tell us about. And you have a day. You know, you have a day. And you forget about that day. And then it comes down the road, a couple years go by and something goes, oh my God, you know, I just manipulated the life out of this situation. I have to go make matters right again. I'll go make a financial amends. And it's just happened. I had to go make a financial amends to somebody about something that I manipulated out of this guy. Quite a bit of money, actually. In sobriety. And I forgot about it. You know how we conveniently forget? I forgot about it, and I was working with somebody, and it came up in her fifth step, this situation similar, and I went, oh my God. And so I was on, anyway, so shortly thereafter I went and took care of it, and I went to give him the money, and he's going, what are you talking about? I gave that to you. And I said, no, no, you don't get it. I had to really explain to him what I had done. And he still didn't get it. He was like, I had tricked him into thinking it was a gift. You know, well, you know, that was a skill when I was out there. That saved me in a lot of situations. You know, survival skill. We all have them to some degree or another. But when I went to make this right, he just couldn't get it. And I said, please, just take this. And I was like, you know, I just, but it was a gift. And I said, no, it really wasn't. Let me explain to you. Exactly what was going on for me. And it was embarrassing. I probably turned as red as, oh, he's got a red shirt on. Oh, Courtney's, I mean, I'm not kidding. It was like, okay, I'm 23 years sober, and I'm making this financial amends. But that's what it's all about. It's coming clean. Because I really do like contented sobriety. And when I cross a bridge, when I get there, you know, and it's a six and seven step thing, and I gotta pray about, oh, what the heck. You know, like, how am I ever going to have the courage to do that? God will always give me the words and the ability to follow through. I have paid a huge penalty for not paying attention in a lot of ways. I like paying attention today. So that's what we're going to try to do today. This weekend, we're going to try to give you a different perspective. I'm sharing my experience of what I've learned over doing this, and set aside your old ideas for a new experience with the work. And you'd be surprised if you take away one different thing, even if it's just the nickel, the bribe. I'll be happy. Okay, we're going to take a short break, like 10, 15 minute break, and come on back. applause applause I have them up here. And if you have time tomorrow when you come, just take the time to, it's a spiritual practice, it is just like a spiritual prayer. I look at, as where I'm at spiritually, walking a labyrinth to make an intention before you actually do walk the labyrinth. It's not like a maze, you won't get lost. You always are able to come out. It's a walk of the circles, they're really called circuits. And you get to the center, you always walk in with an intention. It's an amazing experience. While I was walking the labyrinth, I saw the yellow butterfly. So, never fails. Either God is everything or God is nothing. Okay, I have found in doing this particular workshop that it brings up a whole lot of stuff. I'm not going anywhere, I'm staying here. I'm happy to talk to you about anything that's going on, as are any of the team people around. Don't go home with it. We're here as long as you need to talk. Start writing. If you do, something does come up. I just want to make sure that you're a-okay when you're leaving. So what I like to do at this point is to put you into small group. And I wanted to explain what that looks like. I'm going to pass out some suggested discussion questions, like the small group is like the table you're at. Okay? So just stay where you are. You don't have to get up and move around. And you can either do all of the questions or some of the questions. And just remember to share the time. And just sort of let your table know where you're at on this. If you do have more questions for me, of course, I'm here for you. And I just want you to really keep that in mind. Every disturbance, great or small, needs your attention. Needs your attention. In some way. Because sometimes that little stuff grows into the big stuff. I mean, we're phenomenal at handling big problems, aren't we? I mean, we're amazing, right? It's the little stuff that's going to just really, like, crap out your day. Plain and simple. So these are the questions are geared towards that thought in mind. So we will pass them out to you. In your packet, the questions are also in your packet, but I thought you'd prefer to write on something else and take your packet home. So we'll pass these out until about quarter of nine. So you have about 35 minutes or so. After a long work week. We've been up since about 3.30 this morning. So we're God-powered energy here. So I hope you enjoyed your questions. Yeah? Got food for thought, right? Okay. So everything you think is who you are. And now that's what I've been in my experience in trying to be emotionally mature. We were having that conversation over there. And I joined a little small group. They let me join their small group table. And what struck me was a conversation we were having about the power of we just feed into outcomes. We just need it to be just so. And I still sometimes need it to be just so because I'm so fearful that if it's not, then I won't look good. And then you won't like me. You'll ask me to leave because that's my experience when I got here. But emotional maturity has me saying, well, wait a second. Gotta look at this from a different point of view. So here's a list of characteristics I want you to think about tonight and into tomorrow when we meet up again. The characteristics of a person who's achieved true adulthood. And I always laugh at us alcoholics like that. I'm like, first of all, we have so much fun. People look at our levity, they think we're crazy anyway. Okay, so here's some questions for you. Do you accept criticism gratefully? Being honestly glad for an opportunity to improve? Do you indulge in self-pity? Have you begun to feel the laws of compensation operating in all of your life? Do you expect special considerations from someone? Do you control your temper? Do you meet emergencies with poise? Are your feelings hurt easily? Do you accept the responsibility of your acts without trying to alibi? Have you outgrown the all or nothing stage? Do you recognize that no person or situation is wholly good or wholly bad? Are you patient at unreasonable delays? Have you learned that you are not the arbiter of the universe? That you must often adjust yourself to other people at their convenience? Are you a good loser? Can you endure defeat and disappointment without whining and complaining? Do you worry unduly about things you cannot help? Do you boast or show off in socially unacceptable ways? Have you outgrown envy and jealousy? Kathleen! Are you open minded enough to listen thoughtfully to the opinions of others? Thoughtfully to the opinions of others? Are you a chronic fault finder? Do you plan things in advance rather than trusting to the inspiration of the moment? Do you have faith in a power greater than yourself? And do you find yourself an organic part of mankind as a whole? Or are you contributing as a member? Interesting questions, right? So as we walk through this idea of spiritual maturity and spiritual security I often wonder sometimes I'm wholly on the beam and sometimes I'm not on the beam. And then I think of those unbelievable God shot moments when I have a spectacular experience. I mentioned to you that sometimes I think to my God I need the burning bush for me to believe that this could possibly work out. All of us are challenged in whatever way we're challenged in because that seems to be the lesson that I have to learn. As most of us when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous I was also seeing a therapist who I paid a whole lot of money to and didn't tell the truth much. But nevertheless I went. Because I thought she was going to fix me. And I remember sitting with her one day and we were talking about my controlling tendencies. I said that nicely, right? And she said to me one day she said, hey, you know what do you believe there's a plan for you? And I was spouting off between this marriage that wasn't working and my kids being out of control and my job, all of that stuff. You know how it goes. And she said, do you believe there's a plan for you? And I said, you know, yeah, I do. I don't know what it is but yeah, okay, I can go with that. There's a plan for me. And so she said, alright, if you believe that there's a plan for you I want you to picture this. I want you to picture all the people in your life that you don't get along with. I want you to picture everything that's not gone well and I want you to just think about that for a moment. Now, find yourself with God before you're born. And you and God are having a chat. And you and God are talking and he says to you, hey Kara, what do you think you'd like to learn on in this lifetime? And I'm going, I don't know, probably my self-worth. Adequacy. Because those are the two raging issues that probably drove my alcoholic behavior more than anything else. So he said, she said to me, alright, so God and I had this conversation and said, okay, I'm going to send every person, place, or thing to you in your life so that you'll learn that lesson. Okay? And I said, alright. So then I'm born into the family I'm born into and I grew up in Wisconsin. I have a twin brother and he is 15 minutes older than me. I'll mention that. I have five brothers and a sister and an alcoholic in and out of the rooms. My mom died from this disease. My sister and three of my brothers and sister have tried AA and not stayed. My dad married my mother's best friend and I have six stepbrothers. So we have a football team of alcoholic crazies. Seriously. They moved back to the Midwest. I mean, it's nuts. It's nuts. It's the biggest stories. I mean, it's just like a lot of our stories, but it's a really crazy story. Nobody, my youngest brother, just came into AA. So out of all of those people, there's two people in recovery. My dad's in recovery. He lives in Wisconsin still. Anyway, so the craziness. You're born into the family you're born into. You meet the people you meet. You go to the schools you go to. You pick the Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful that you find. You ride off into the sunset. Whatever you do, do. You know, that is what your life is. And so you die and go to heaven and I have the life I had and my life was, I lived in a house that was abuse in any way you could possibly imagine, but looked really good that front door. It was a beautiful front door. And you did not know what happened on the inside. So I learned how to keep secrets really, really well. From you and from me. You know, because we lived in that denial of I'm not telling you. I can't afford to tell you. So life goes on like that and then you hit the brakes and thank God, Alcoholics Anonymous, came into my life. The story goes on. So I die and I go to heaven and I told you I was in this maniac marriage. I mean it was nuts. Maniac marriage and who meets me at the front pearly gates but him. And he looks at me and he says I promised to help. So my therapist told me that story. I sat back and I went that's what it is. It's lessons or it's blessings. And if my lesson isn't learned once, it'll come in another form from another person so that I learn that I am nothing but love and so are you. And it's all about forgiveness and it's all about an opportunity to be of service to you. That's all it is. I couldn't believe it when she told me that story. I was like, why would you say that? But I get it today. I get it today. And another beautiful story happened when my son, I told you he was sick. He ended up having a kidney transplant. During that period of time when he was sick, I had beautiful angels come in my life like Sylvia who gave me her book and many, many others. You know, God sends them. And one of the experiences I had was sitting with him while on dialysis and I don't know if you've ever done that with anybody but it's a really scary experience. Very scary. And he was 14 at the time. So when we had our last dialysis session, every one we would go to, I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't sit still so I'm a quilter. That's my hobby. And so I made these little nine patch squares. I cut up all this fabric, all this old fabric and put it in a little box and they were like one inch squares and we would make a little nine. We'd pick out nine colors and I'd sew it together during a dialysis session. So these little tiny patches. And so on his last dialysis session I said, hey Johnny, I'm just going to put this away. And it'll be the healing quilt. And when we know that this is going to work, I'll put it together some day. And I did that. I put it together. We had a very successful experience. I was the donor. I mean he was just, he ended up going on and doing wonderful things. And the things that happened in that world of transplant is really something else like the drugs they take kill the kidneys. So you know another, he had another kidney transplant here two years ago. My youngest daughter gave him. But he's alive. In the meantime, he gets married. And one of these things that the doctors tell you, you know the doctors have to tell you all this stuff so you don't sue them or something. And he's starting to tell me all these things that could happen kind of story. And you know, I'm looking at him going, I don't want to hear. Don't tell me anything I don't want to hear. I said, you know what, don't say anything else. I'll sign off on anything you want to sign off on. Because I know who I am. And I will dwell on every bad thing you tell me is going to happen. I'll be looking for it. Right? So I'm better off dealing with the outcome as it comes. My recovery life has told me that. If the outcome comes, we'll deal with it. I'm not going to invent it. So don't tell me anything. So don't tell me anything. So he doesn't tell me anything. And one of the side effects is that you're going to be sterile, couldn't have kids. The number of things from the drugs he was on. Well John got married. And he and Michelle had their, and my first grandson, he's almost four. First grandson and Jakey was born. And I remembered the box. I'd been sitting up on the shelf. And I took down the box. And in the box I had 97 patches. And so I lay them out on my bed. And the coolest thing about healing that I thought was going to happen for him is it happened for me. Because, you know, we're not fleeing from our stuff. You know, that was a really scary thing. And I don't know about you, but when I have fearful things, it's like mentally if I put it in a shoe box and put it in a shelf, it just stops. And the shelf falls down. Or crashes out. Or something happens. Because those emotions are going to get you no matter what. So I put them all on the bed and I put this quilt together and I go in and I brought it over to him. And here's what my son said to me, because kids don't ever forget. He looked at me and he said, you remembered. Now where are the little patches? I mean, what a riot. Where are the little, where's the box full of the fabric? Where's the little squares? I was like, oh, here, you're not getting those, because that would mean we have another one to do. The whole point, I think I have to tell you, is that God is everything or God is nothing. And that's our choice. I believed the outcome was going to be just as it was. This opportunity to heal with the people that are most important in your life is the most incredible feeling. Because you can stop, as we were talking about over there, you can actually be. You don't have to do. So, I have one prayer I want to close with tonight, and then Karen wants to come up. And it's really appropriate for us here. It's not really a prayer, it's a reading. And it's from the Dalai Lama. Live one day at a time and make it a masterpiece. Avoid negative sources, people places and habits. Believe in yourself. Consider things from every angle. Don't give up and don't give in, and everything you're looking for lies behind the mask you wear. Family and friends are hidden treasures. Seek them and enjoy their riches. Give more than you plan to. Hang on to your dreams. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. Keep trying no matter how hard it seems to love yourself. Make it happen. Never lie, steal or cheat. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. Practice makes perfect. Quality not quantity in anything you do. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. Stop procrastinating. Take control of your own destiny. Understand yourself in order to better understand others. Visualize your own ways, and when you lose, don't lose the lesson. There's excellence in any effort. You are unique, and nothing can replace you. Thank you very much.