Emotional Shutdown and the Secret Life He Kept – Tom M.

Hi, everybody. I'm Tom. I am from Hawaii. Aloha. Yeah, I got clean when I was 12 years old. So yeah. So, yeah, I've been ‑‑ I was 21. It's great. I see some faces here that i know i love rosie you know i love you um yes so um yeah thanks thanks for your share kathy i am you know it's funny i the other night i went to um i live on the little island called the kauai and i i went over to the to the more active island um you know where honolulu is and and um went to an na uh thanksgiving which was really nice but but um after the the meeting after the dinner you know they asked me if i'd come up to this treatment center and not speak and tell you man if you want to wherever you are in your life before you you know when you recover if you wanna get put some perspective on it do an h and i thing you know it's just you know going up there you know 30 35 guys most most all of them you know paroled you know from you know you know the penitentiary and um you know just doing time at the treatment center and then you you know and you see where they're at you know when it's like um and you remember where you were at you know it just puts all back in perspective and you know what at least i have a shot at this thing you know you know a lot of these guys don't even have a shout at it and then it makes me really really get grateful but why why me you know why why did i come into the rooms and and was able to stay and get this thing i mean i'm not that smart you know you know it's um yeah you know thank god it's not a matter of being smart because i don't think half of us or two-thirds of us would be here if it was a matter being smart um but um but there's something you know there's something that happens to us you know not all of us but it happens to some of us you Know and when it does if you're lucky enough to you know to get a taste of this thing um can just just be all in just be all in you know with everything you've got just be all-in you know and um so but how do you do that you know because you know we're basically people who are pretty rebellious defiant you know and um don't listen to nobody um how does this even work for people like us you know in it um but it does it's a matter of fact it only works for people like us you know i mean i you know yeah i got clean you know 1968 there was um you know they they told me years later that there was only 20 known meetings in the whole world when i got clean you knows so so when i sit in a meeting like this you know you know scotland based you know um you now we just never thought it would happen you know it you know truly we just never thought it would happen you know we i um some of you guys might not know a guy named bob barrett who was one of our oldest members passed away a number of years ago but bob and i got off the plane we were going to the convention in cardahanga colombia and you know which was just in itself you know going to a rural convention in columbia you know the cocaine capital of the world it was just it was it was pretty far out but we get off the plane and and we're sitting there you know on the runway and we look and there's air force one you know president clinton was in town and um and we parked right next to air force One and we walked downstairs and i and i seen all these people coming in from all these different countries and um i looked at bob and i said bob did you ever did you have envisioned this that that we would really be all around the world and um and he said no you know what says i couldn't even we couldn't Even see beyond the tip of our noses Tom says nah says but you know what Jimmy did Jimmy always saw that we Would Be All Over This World With Every Corner Of This World And Um You Know And There And There We Were Man You Know It's Like Um And Here We Are Today you know i mean i mean na is everywhere and um um and it's amazing how it works you know i mean you look at all these different cultures you know different walks of you know ways of life you know people come from and um and there's something there's something that we have here that people get i mean it's it's universal man it's it is it's universal um something that we get and and once once we get a taste of it man you know we're like we want it man i remember once the japanese used to come to well they still do they come to my island you know to our islands for our conventions and gatherings and stuff and and um one time this this uh this this japanese nun um came to be their translator and she'd been working with all these addicts in in japan and um and she's at the gathering you know you know you're listening to everything going on and watching the japanese members interacting with you know with the you know what with all the you knows the u.s-based people and and she says you know i i kept i kept asking myself many times what is it about this particular group this particular population of people that i'm working with that that is so different so unique and um and then i get here and i look at all of you and it's just my god you're all the same you are actually all the same you laugh the same stuff you feel the same kind of feelings you know you have the same kind of you know exuberance over getting together and being together celebrating your recoveries you know it's just amazing I've never seen anything like it and it's true it's real man there's something special we have here yeah yeah you know I just shared the other night sometimes when you share too many times in a row you know you kind of feel like you shot your wad, you know, and it's like, um, you know, so, you know, um. So yeah, I got, I got clean 53 years ago. Well actually next month to be 54. Um, so there's a lot, there's a lot that's happened between then and now a lot. You know? And, um sometimes I like to characterize this whole recovery processes as goes in phases and stages, you know whenever we think we've made it so what's the one place man and the whole picture changes man the whole pictures changes and all of a sudden what used to be reality to us is no longer our reality and we're faced with recreating ourselves in a whole new reality in this in life and recovery you know and um and you know, and I know for me throughout my recovery this is this is what's happened you know um i've been fortunate man you know i've had some beautiful people in my life i've i've I've been married you know well actually three times but um but but to the woman i were married to you know long marriages you know 20 24 25 years man you know and um and uh you know got to build these beautiful relationships got to go through all the shit we go through you know because um you know you know i came in the doors man you know i was i wasn't very mature you know yeah i didn't really know how to be emotionally honest with myself let alone anybody else you know and you know it's hard you know it's being a relationship when you know when you got a secret life going on you know, and yet it's just it's you know. It's just part of who you are you know and you know but um but to work through that kind of stuff you know and to make the kind of changes that need to be made in order to grow you know that's to me that's the big challenges here you know um yeah you know i i could tell you a real fairy tale kind of story about my recovery how i got clean how this woman found me on the beach you know and and just like that my whole life changed you know in all these beautiful amazing things have happened and all the service i got involved in and and all this kind of stuff and you know it's all true but but to get down to the nitty-gritty you know of you know but how do you how do we actually change how do we actually grow you know when i figured this out a long time ago you know whenever when i was new and i would hear someone get up they had a lot of clean time you know i didn't want to hear where the fuck they came from and you know I wanted to hear what they learned since they've been here you know what what have they discovered you know what you know would what um what traps to you know to you know to dodge you know along the way and um and so if I can share anything I'd like to share that kind of stuff with you guys you know it's um but yeah i um i've done a lot of work myself a lot at work i mean and i used to have an old friend who used to say you know because you know that his sponsor you know used to tell him says you know steve is this you know you're going to go a long ways in this program and steve got all you know like big smile on his face he goes because you got a long fucking ways to go man and um you know and i think for all of us it's so true man we got long ways to going man but um but yeah i um you know this process doesn't start off as nice neat and you know tidy and you know and you all you know roses and unicorns whatever the fuck people like to say you know it starts it's tough man this is this program is not easy man and no wonder people check out and say i'm done with this man and um you know especially you know at the different phases and stages along the way man you know i mean people get you know you know a few years clean five years or more clean and um and suddenly you know its like um we know they're not driven by the desperation anymore you know they um and then in this same what am i driven by you know um you know of course you know we wrote a book about it you know called living clean you know where you know you know it's got to be it's gotta be a lot of different things that drive us you know passion our love our gratitude you know but yeah it's we hit these stages in our recovery and I think the biggest one for me what did you say it's 11.45 my time how long do I have my sharing around 15 minutes or however long you're comfortable with 15 minutes okay good i'm gonna tie this thing up tighter than um yeah so i'm i'm going to go back to like um and it's something what kathy was talking about just before me um you know i'm 21 years clean you know and um and i'm thinking myself you know i'm really involved active in the fellowship i'm on the board of trustees you know and um and i'm thinking you know i got a fucking great marriage you get a wife that i love she loves me i got three great great great kids um you know I've got a business that's starting to really grow and I and I've just bought a house in Hawaii you know and um you Know what and I and I just really feel good man I really feel Good about myself and I remember saying to myself you know what i think i got this thing this thing that yeah that they talked about for years that i never really understood what they were talking about it was called self-esteem and i thought i think I think I got this self-esteem because I've done all the work you're supposed to do you know I've been in service of you know you know sponsored people have been you know you know we do and I think you know by attrition you know by doing those things do esteemable things you get self-esteem um but but something deep in my gut said no no you you don't have self-esteem tom he says you got other esteem it's all based on what you have and what you've you've accomplished and whatyou've gotten it's not based on who you are and because i knew in the pit of my stomach i was still a piece of shit there was still something really really wrong with me um and i still hated myself and a deep love i still hated myself and um and everything could come unraveled at any minute you know um and you know 21 years clean you know and and then not too long after that man maybe a month or so boom my marriage just came unraveled you know my wife you know we loved each other's but you know she just wasn't there anymore it's like emotionally spiritually she was gone and uh and i i fucking she didn't want it to happen i didn't wanted to happen she realized that throughout her whole life you know when she's been a stone codependent and uh everybody everything came first i came first the kids came first you know and um and uh and then she she picked up this book called codependent no more and um and i was no more so guys if you see that book laying around the house get get fucking get rid of it man quick you know because if they get a hold of it they're gonna bust our ass um so um but you know the more the more she started detaching from me the better she was doing and she is she started emotionally detaching for me and i started going into a fucking spiral man just i mean just triggered all this stuff man all this childhood stuff coming up like in i mean just in god's you know dreams and you know none of it was like so-called recovered memories i knew all the that happened in my life but um but the pain inside and the rage coming up inside me was was so incredible i found myself sitting in a room them punching myself in the face and to my to my lips are all broke open my eyes were black and blue i mean just and it would happen over again and again and i know i'm losing it i know i'm saying i'm 21 years clean what the fuck is going on i didn't think i'd use i really and truly didn't thing i'd used but i thought you know what i could do something really stupid something really stupid and hurt hurt myself or hurt somebody else and um and i didn't know what to do man i didn' t know what the fuck to do i'd go to meetings because that's all i know um and man the meetings were painful i mean it was painful being in the means you know people would come up to me say well well tom you know what you just need to help somebody else then i sponsored 40 something guys you know i did h and i i was you know you name it i was doing it you know you know it was like i wasn't somebody who was on the outside of the program i was right smack dab in the middle and the bottom had dropped out and i was in a free fall and i Was scared i really was i was scared i didn't know what the fuck was going on um i didn' believe in outside help so-called outside help i didn't realize that there is no such thing as outside help anything in the world that can help us is inside help you just bring it inside the na program you know you don't have to go out there for it you know and separate yourself from the program you bring it right in it's all it's resources out there you know what you know unfortunately you know you know this is one of the things why i think it's so important that we continue to go to meetings and we keep showing up you know because at 21 years ago i was still going to lots of meetings still to this day you know 53 years i'm still going lots of meetings um but because of that you you're connected man you're disconnected and somebody somebody comes along and says you know what tom i think i know where you're going through man in here i'm going to direct you to these people that maybe can help you and um and i went through a process and and seriously the process lasted god maybe four years um it was painful it was the most painful thing i ever did in recovery um all the stuff that i thought i had buried all the staff that i had thought i had forgiven you know it all came pouring back up um you know i had taken inventories in the past written down the story of my life everything that ever happened to me everything you know that i ever did and um but now it was but when i did it it was always like i did this in the third person this is this is the stuff that happened to tom you know this is things that guy tom did you know but now he was like no this is me this all happened to me and this is why i'm so fucked up this is where i got all these sexual hang-ups you know i don't know if they're hang- ups but sexual issues you know and um you know um you know shit doesn't come from nowhere you know it's um it's it's delivered to us that it's at some point in our lives and um and believe me you can't just wish them away you can'T just take fourth and fifth steps and six and seven steps and let God's gonna remove them because because if you've been clean for a long time you'll know you've BEEN ASKING GOD REMOVE SHIT FOR years and he ain't removing it because he said this ain't about removing it man this this is about dealing with it it's about making peace with yourself making peace mit what happened to yourself um in discharging all those feelings behind all this stuff you know like i say this this went on man for a good three or four year period and um um but there was an the outset of is this man you know this guy tom mccall finally understood who he is and what he is yeah i know i'm a good man i know there's basically nothing wrong with me yeah i got i got baggage you know and um and i'll have this baggage the rest of my life you mean i mean you don't you know some of us don't go through the things we went through and it just goes away you know it's um no you carry it with you you learn to make peace with You learn to, you know, to limit the kind of damage some of our pathology can create in other people's lives. But I made peace, yeah. But I got to a point where I like this guy, Tom. I know I'm okay. And I got the deal with an issue that we talk about in the program that we don't. We mention it in the problem, but we don' t really talk about. And, you kno, it's one of the core issues of our life is shame. you know deep-seated shame inside that for some for some reason we're we're broken we're born broken we were born fucked up um it's it's internal this is who we are you know someone had explained the difference to me with of shame and guilt i don't know if for those of you don't know what i'll tell you you know guilt is feeling bad about something you did shame as you are bad it's who you are you know and um and to get down to that deep-seated guilt i mean a deep-seat of shame and really face it look at where it is learn to understand that when it pops its ugly head up in my life how to talk back to it how to deal with it because it's not ever going to go away the shame is is is there man it's been delivered it's it's core it's court to this disease of addiction you know i mean i think a lot of us heard the early addiction early recovery um you know this is a shame-based disease and then no one goes on to explain what what that means but it is shame- based it's based in shame um one of the things that alcoholics anonymous did when they first came around they basically took the shame out of having a disease called alcoholism you know they told the world hey no it's you know the so-called alcoholic is not it's not a bad person he's got a disease and when when the so-called alcoholic could find that could just could accept that too it may be recovery possible you know and and it's the same way with all of life for me you know once once once i deal with the shame that i realized hey you know i'm not there's nothing wrong with me you Know but yeah i had stuff and i can work on it like i remember once i went to the psychologist you know because some friends told me you better talk to somebody about your sexual sexual issues and i went through this guy and i said um i said you know i didn't want to go i didn'T want to GO TALK TO NOBODY and i i said yeah i got these sex problems going on in my life that's getting me in trouble he goes really he goes okay so what was we're going to do a bunch of tests first and he did a series of psychological tests and you know they got to the other side he went over all the test results he says well the good news tom is you don't have a sex problem i said i don't he goes no you're really good at it he goes since you could have sex day and night three or four times a day because you don t have a problem with sex he says but you do have this problem with low self-esteem you do ever problem with contempt for women you do a problem with having an unhealthy sex education you and he made this whole list of things he goes we can work on that stuff right you know and you know it brought the perspective in because up to that point i've been asking god remove my sex drive you know when it's like um thank god you know god has a sense of human didn't do it um he said go go get some help will you um but you know but yeah you know these you know you know and ever since that one turn point and there's been other ones you know along the way I call them sort of metamorphosis where your whole life explodes and you die and then you come back alive with a whole different reality yeah so I after that it's like I had never been the same ever doing that work i had never been the same and like i say um you know i i knew who i am you know and um i you know years later i i got back involved in rural services because i i checked out of rural service for quite a while and um I got elected to the to the rural board and um man my participation on that board was like night and day when i was on the board of trustees you know it was like um i never wanted to say anything you know because it already been said but when i was on the rural board i was like yeah it's already been said but they haven't heard the way i want to say it you know and um and you know и because my whole self-image had changed you know um the people around me the people you know that you know could make things happen in my in my service could see it and they they encouraged it and they um they pushed me forward you know i you know i end up being able to do some things that were just amazing things in service um you know things that really you know probably helped the fellowship grow a lot you know but um you know there's um yeah you know this this world opened up to me when i got clean it did it opened up to me. And I was a loss, the last human being totally lost. And really didn't know what the fuck to do with my life. I knew it was going to end bad. You know? I could tell this analogy sometimes. I don't know how much time you left but I'll end it with this so it's you know a lot of us ask ourselves sometimes you know how did i become an addict was i born an addict you know did i did i catch it you know to hang out with other addicts you know you know was it just because i used drugs that became an addict or you know what the fuck you know we we don't you know it's this question sometimes question we sometimes ask but um so i have an analogy and that and it goes like this you know all of us one day came to and found ourselves on a train you know and we realized the train that we were on was out of control and there's nobody running this train it's it's out of control and it's going to end bad and we're going to crash and we are going to burn and we are going die and we can't get off the goddamn train and then suddenly the train stops and it stops at the um maybe the jail station We get out, we go to jail. We go to prison for a while. We do time. We get out. We don't know what to do with ourselves. We stand there at the train station. We look around. There's the train that's sitting there. The engine is still running. It's the only thing we know. So we get back on the train down the tracks again. Few more jail stations. You know, back in my time, there weren't any treatment centers around. Otherwise, it would have been a lot of treatment center the train stations i would have stopped at um one time they stopped at the you know the falling in love station which you know which is great until she leaves you or he leaves you and then you want to throw yourself in front of the fucking train um and then one day it stops at the narcotics anonymous train station you know and we get out and we're all hanging out at the station and we've seen people walking around man they got the key tags the t-shirts there's conventions there's dances there's meetings going on you know people grabbing each other's asses you know i mean it's like we're thinking fuck this is great man you know I've made I found my home the fun that my found in my head and you know People just like me and um and we think we made it we think we've arrived but then if you're really lucky some old timer will come up to you old timers And they'll say to you, hey man, look it. You see all these people out here? They're all carrying baggage. Look at, you got your baggage in your hand. Look further down, the train is still sitting there and people are still getting back on that train and leaving the ENA train station. He says, if you really want this thing, you gotta leave the train station, you gotta get on the road to recovery. And here's the 12 steps and here's sponsor, and here is what you got to do and you've got to step out there and you're going to walk alone. Cause you know, we say this is a wee program. Yeah, yeah it is. But you know what? No, it's not. It's a you program. It's you and your relationship with your higher power, your commitment to your own recovery in this first step that you are powerless and that you will never be cured. You know, it's, but yeah, we come, you know, we get off that train then and we get into the station if we're lucky, and then we can come back to the station once we've walked the road of recovery and we have a good foundation built underneath ourselves, we go to the stations and we start helping people, showing them the way. And that's kind of what this thing is all about then. You know? how am i doing for time uh as long as you need don't uh nearly up what's that we're nearly there but just take us one minute however long you need okay good thanks yeah so um yeah so you know i wish you guys all well you know we just um just had our big thanksgiving holiday here in the united states It's getting noisy out here where I am. But yeah, you know, one of the wonderful things about long-term recovery is, you know, the relationships and people in your lives. You know, I'm looking at people here. I see Michael. You know? Love you, man. um you know there's a and some of these friendships man you know and sometimes they're not close you know you know in the beginning or something sometimes there's just acquaintances we think and then one day we turn around man and we run into them somewhere and we find out what how the hell did this thing become deep i hardly even know this person and yet i feel this deep affection and love for them and um it's pretty cool man you know and um you know if you and me i've gotten all around the world man i thought and i i know people everywhere that have this kind of experience with you know i mean it's it's fantastic man um so yeah so you know 53 years clean my story's not over with yet you know you know um some things aren't ever going to change as far as um what i'm going to do for my recovery i know i'm gonna keep showing up i know im gonna keep giving back um how i'm gonna grow you know who knows maybe you know my wife by the way my wife just passed away about a year and a half ago 18 months ago and a lot of you a lot of a lot people knew her really well and she's very loved in the fellowship but um you know it's hard it was hard you know it's still hard I um but you know she used to say to me like you know so so you don't I don't see you working steps you work steps anymore and I go no not really and she goes why I go what am I supposed to work steps on and she goes well we're in recovery we're all supposed to I said Tali I'm 50 something years clean man I said I've done a lot of work in this program I got to a place where I like myself I'm okay I said do I feel need to work on myself not really i said you know i'm 75 years old you know if i'm should if if i had another 10 or 15 years left in my life man you know I'll be lucky i said i'm going to take everything i've learned here everything i've gotten from this fellowship i'm gonna enjoy every bit of it not gonna separate myself from it but i'm enjoying every bit so yeah no i'm not working on myself this you know things will come up in time and i'll deal with it and um i got the tools and that's and that'S THE MAIN THING WE YOU KNOW YOU KNOW WE GET THE TOOLS YOU KNOW AND YOU KNOW I AND I WOULD ENCOURAGE ANYBODY GET A BOX YOU KNOW IT'S A MENTAL SPIRITUAL BOX AND PUT ALL YOUR SPIRTUAL AND RECOVERY TOOLS IN THE BOX you know what WHAT YOU NEED YOU KNOW AT A MINUTE'S NOTICE AND THIS REACH and you know and i i just did this the other the other night i you know you know you know one of my one of one of the things in my box is you know that that um that um we're protected by our rejections you know um just so long as we just don't reject ourselves but we're we're protective by him you know even though you know certain things will happen in our lives and you you know whether it be a person or something that we wanted or whatever you know and um rather than to be disappointed or you know we're protected by it just go with it it's okay you know you know yeah and i also know that in in believe me i believe this for everybody if you stick with this program along the way and you do the work you'll find yourself in a place where you like yourself where you're at peace with yourself where you love life and you'll find out that you've been taken in ways in which you can least understand in order to get you there so as long as we just stick with this program and do what we learned to do thank you so much and aloha have a good night you all have a great day