Duval W. – Sponsorship – How To Be A Sponsee Workshop – 2014

I have to read this. I'm as nervous as a speaker, and I'm only introducing it. To the members, please keep in mind that your conduct is a reflection on NA as a whole. If you are unable to conduct yourself in a responsible manner, you will be asked to leave. Appropriate attire must be worn in hallways and public areas at all times. Please keep in mind not everyone stays up all night. Please adhere to hotel's quiet time hours, 11 p.m. to 8 a.m. Please keep the noise level in rooms to a minimum. The committee has provided a hospitality suite for the convenience of group gatherings. Please smoke only in areas designated to do so. To the press, our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need to always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and film. If you are approached by a member of the media, direct them to the convention information table near registration. And our clarity statement. We are presented with a dilemma. When NA members identify themselves as addicts and alcoholics or talk about living clean and sober, the clarity of the NA message is blurred. To speak in this manner suggests that there are two diseases. That one drug is somehow separate from the rest, requiring special recognition. Narcotics Anonymous makes no distinction between drugs. Our identification as addicts is all-inclusive, allowing us to concentrate on our similarities, not our differences. This is the How to Be a Sponsor Workshop. And I have the pleasure and the honor of introducing our first speaker. My name is William Depp. I work in the Top RIGHT, Grenfell shorts studio in Providence, Nevada. but at the same time, my name is obviamente a great honor for our company and we paddle day in the spirit. I would like to share, at this time, very jewishly and indeed completely honest that I considered a thing which might Pose a great challenge to you because? Most significantly, I first chose to lettuce my home. in my heart. And if he ever asked me, if he ever asked me to walk across a bed of hot coals and broken glass for him, I would honestly say, after you. I'd love to give to you, Chuck H. Good morning, everybody. I'm an addict named Chuck. Grateful to be anywhere clean today. I do want to welcome you here. This is truly a God-gifted thing, and it's really good to see all your faces. And if nobody's told you today yet that they love you, I love you, and I mean that. I was taught that here. You know, I really didn't know what I was doing, but I'm glad to be here. I'm better at telling you how not to be a sponsee than how to be a sponsee, because I know a lot more about what you don't do than what you do. And my sponsor tells me that's not true. He told me to say this, so I'm going to say it. What I do is, how do I do it? I do it. I do it. I do it. I do it. I do it. I do it. I do it. I do it. I do it. I do it. I do it. I do it. It's not a good thing. I'm not a sponsor. I don't know why. But I found a sponsor. And I did that in my first two and a half weeks clean. Because you people suggested to me that I could not do this alone, that I could not walk whatever path I have alone. And I found this man, and I held onto him for my life. Because I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. What I do sounds like water pouring down the road this morning, because you were standing What I do is, and I like a little bit of humor because I have feelings today, and those humorous feelings are good for me. I come up here and I'm nervous. I've never spoke at a convention like this before. So I may not know what the hell I'm talking about. And if I don't, feel free to call me on it. Most of the time as a sponsee, what I do is I listen to my sponsor. I tell him he's full of shit in my head. I do what I want to do. After a couple of days of feeling the pain of my consequences, I do what he told me and it works. That's my experience. I have the greatest. I'm the greatest sponsor in this fellowship. And if I didn't feel that way, I'd find another one. As a sponsee, I've experienced a whole lot of things. And met a whole lot of people. And cried with a lot of people in this fellowship. Sometimes I'm petrified at being a sponsee. Because I have to be an example. That's what I believe. I have to be an example. And my actions as a sponsee reflect on my sponsor whether he taught me what I'm doing or not. And being an example is very important to me. And I don't always do things right. But I always do things good. And it's in my heart to do what I do. I hope that I can talk for the time that I'm supposed to be up here. And I'm trying to get out of my head. And I'm trying to let my creator take over for me. And he'll do that. Or she'll do it. Or it'll do it. I believe that to be a sponsee, beyond having a sponsor, you have to be close to your sponsee family. I believe that without my sponsorship brothers, I couldn't be here. And I have to reach out to those people. I have to let them know that I'm available to them. With whatever they need. I have to be standing, ready, and able to do what's necessary to help them. That's what I was taught. Everything that I'm going to share here is something that I was taught. I came here and I didn't know anything. And it didn't take me real long to realize that I didn't know anything. When I thought I knew everything. I think I do a good job as a sponsee. My sponsor tells me that he's proud of me. And I don't understand that. Because those are things that I never heard growing up. Those are things that I never had anybody tell me. I never had a person, a role model in my life. Until I met my sponsor. And he gave me the opportunity to be human. And I picked him for his humanness. And I hope that I don't talk too much about him. But I truly love this man with all my heart. And I would lay myself down for him. Because I believe in him. And I know he believes in me. And he wants to help me in this thing we call recovery. I've had a lot of fears as a sponsee. And he's helped me walk through those. I've done a lot of things wrong as a sponsee. But I've learned from every one of them. And they were all worth whatever pain I had to feel. When I walked through that. There's times I've tried to run from it. And it never works. It never ever works running from it. Because it follows me wherever I go. Sponsees. Most of the time it's a very easy thing. All you gotta do is do what's suggested. Most of the time it's very easy. But see I have this disease that tells me. That I don't need anybody to suggest to me. Or tell me. Because I know. I got all, everything I need up here. And it twists the shit around. And it tells me that everything up here is right. And I believe that sometimes. You know I had to reflect back on my sponsees. And I have those because. The God of my understanding. My creator brought those people into my life. For a reason. And I have some wonderful people in my life. And I'd like to have all you in my life. That's what I was taught as a sponsee. To allow as many people into my life as possible. Because all of you are gonna save me. I've been honored. So many times. And I'm fighting some tears right now. Because I have feelings. And they're good feelings. And it's just all part of me. That it's hard for me sometimes. To cry in front of people. And sometimes I just don't have any control. And as a sponsee. As a sponsee I had to feel feelings. I had to work steps. Some of those steps have been really really hard. Really hard. Until I got out of the way. As a sponsee I have to be willing to reach out to my sponsor. I have to be willing to invite him. To call me on my shit. When I asked him to be my sponsor. I gave him that. The okay to do that. I gave that. As he calls it. I gave him the freedom to do that. And I. I don't like it most of the time. When he does it. You know. I had the same sponsor for. A little over four years in my sponsor relapse. And as a sponsee my first instinct. Was to save his ass. Because he'd saved mine. And for four years he drug me out of all kinds of things. You know. I lost people in my life. I lost friends in this fellowship. I lost a brother a year ago. From this disease. And he was there for me every single time. And he's teaching me how to be a sponsor. And when he's teaching me how to be a sponsor. I'm going to be a sponsor. And when he relapsed. It tore my heart out. I didn't know what to do. So I had to ask him. What do I do? What do you suggest that I do? And the first thing out of his mouth. As a loving caring sponsor. To a pitiful sponsee like me. Was. That I needed to find another sponsor. And I did that. And I didn't wait. I did not wait. They taught me that if I sponsored myself. My sponsor was a fool. And I've seen that. And I tried it. I got clean the first time in 1982. And I sponsored myself for a year. And I made myself sick. And I made other people sick. By my actions. My behavior. My lack of self-esteem. And my lack of self-esteem. And I made myself sick. And I made other people sick. My lack of willingness. And I came back around this time. And I was willing to do whatever it took. Because all I could think about when I came here was dying. That's all I could think about. You know. God brought my sponsor to me. Just like he's bringing my sponsees to me. I don't know if I'm a good sponsee. I really don't. I don't ask. You know. I tell him. And I tell him that I could never be what he is. And he reminds me not to put him on a pedestal. And part of me being a sponsee is talking about my sponsor. Letting people know who he is. And what he's about. That gives me the opportunity to keep it fresh in my mind. That I too want to grow up to be like him. Not that he's a God. Because he's not. I have a God. I do put him on a pedestal. But he knocks himself off. You know. He shows me that that's not what I need to do. I've been real vigilant in my step work. They told me I needed to do that. They told me that I needed to dive into this program. To not hang on to the edge. And as a sponsee I listened really well. Until I got past that seventh step. You know. The hard shit. At least what I thought was the hard shit. And I thought. You know what. I know something now. And because I know something. I can do some of this on my own. Although I have a sponsor. And I work regular with him. And I talk to him on a regular basis. And I see him all the time. I still. I listen to what he says. And I still do it my way. Sometimes. Not as often as I used to. And you know. I love him. And I wish he was here. But I'm glad he's not. But he's probably sitting there smiling at me. Saying. You're doing okay. And I'd be thinking. You're full of shit Chuck. That's what he's saying. You're full of shit. Because I don't know much. I know I gotta go to meetings. I gotta talk to you people on a regular basis. I have to let you know who I am. I have to believe in you. Until I can learn to believe in myself. And that's part of what I believe a sponsor is. Being a sponsor is getting up here. And being of service to myself and others. You know. I've been involved in this thing they call service. Since I had 72 days clean. And I hope that I never lose the desire to do what I'm doing. Because I know what happens when I stop doing service work. I've experienced that. The greatest thing is just for me to be an example. And sometimes I'm a bad example. And I didn't learn that from my sponsor. I wish they had a book telling me how to be a sponsee. You know I do. I wish there was a book. I'd probably read it and not do it. Because that's me. I would probably read the book and not do it. Although I know that they do have a book. That tells me how to be a sponsee. And that's the basic text. It tells me how to live by spiritual principles. And as a sponsee or as a sponsor. If we follow. If I follow. Those spiritual principles that are simple. And they're laid down there for me. And they're all over that basic text. And there's a lot of them. But if I take ten of them. And I practice those in my daily life. Which I try to do. If I take ten of them. I'll be successful. I'll be able to help somebody through something. And sometimes that's me. I can actually help myself once in a while. And that's a miracle. That's truly a miracle. I have to get out of myself. I'm going to talk quite a bit about service work. Because that's what this is all about. This is being a sponsee. My sponsor didn't tell me to do this. My heart told me to do this. Being of service to you people. And doing what I can for you. Is not an ego anymore. It's not about me. I've had this shirt. I could have wore it all weekend. And I didn't. And I'm not comfortable with recognition. As a sponsee. My sponsor tells me. You know Chuck. You do a good job. And you do this. And you do that. And I tell him. You know what. I'm not used to that. That's not familiar to me. Call me a mother fucker. Call me an asshole. Tell me to do something wrong. Because that's what I'm familiar with. Don't tell me positive things. Because I don't want to believe them. Even when I'm in my best space. I don't want to believe them. Because I don't understand that. It's taken a long time for me. For me to get past that. That great mound of fear that I have. That pops back up on a regular basis. To be able to do what I do today. And I can't do this without you. And I'll pound that in your heads. Just like I pounded into people in my lives heads. I can't do this without you. I've proved that it doesn't work. And if you don't believe it. Try it. Give it a shot. When you drag your ass down. Your ass out of the mud. You pick it up. And you carry it to an N.A. meeting. The people there will smile. They'll accept you. And they'll tell you to keep coming back. No matter what you do. And I've been that miserable. As a sponsor, I need to find balance. That's real difficult. You know. Working on this convention. There has not been any balance. And I've had to take time out. You know. When my sponsors tell me. You know what. You need to sound. Take ten minutes. And breathe. I don't get as overwhelmed for long periods of time as I used to. Because I'm willing to take suggestions. And that's a big thing for me as a sponsor. Is to take suggestions. And what the hell. Try them. My shit didn't work. Try somebody else's. And if there's a spiritual principle. Applied to a suggestion. It's going to work. If I put just a little bit of effort in it. It's going to work. I can stand here and quote that basic text to you. Probably from page to page. But that's not what it's about. What it's about is living what's on those pages. And I try to the best of my ability to do that. And I fall short. But who the hell is measuring this anyway? I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not going to be a good enough Sponsy. I'm not a good enough Sponsy. I'm never going to be a good enough Sponsy. Because it's job is to kill me. Any way it can. And that doesn't have to mean. I'd rather die a physical death then a spiritual one. Because I've been so miserable walking on these two legs. I've been so ignored. I've been so. miserable it's worse than any physical death that I can imagine and I've been real close to that you know I told myself I wasn't going to get up here and talk about my past because my past has a lot to do with me being a sponsor it's one of the reasons that I'm a sponsor maybe I will talk a little bit about my past and I probably already have you know before I came up here I went to my room with a sponsor and his sponsor and and I started to cry because I was nervous and I was feeling feelings and as a sponsor they've told me that that's okay you and I never cried in front of anybody in my life till I came to the fellowship and I started crying probably two weeks into this and I haven't stopped it's not as often and it's not near as often painfully showing my tears as it is with gratitude you know sometimes I'm speechless and that's a mouthful you said it's all in God's will and I hope that wisdom really grass you cannot you know you've been lost there's something at work I don't want you to give up Happy Pleasure y'all it's just not true anything I okay please take a deep breath into.... are you okay okay dyd pack pop I can't talk because she's gone okay and you're still sitting here and you know here's what you think about grade nine shit you know it's you feel your body holding up there but it's like death to you and as COPD is speaking you are a person who live withGet to Clock and richtig enough money so jewelry all that Robert Porter and my my family said to me I pick up my guitar flight 잘 I mean I have a lot of time to practice and it was a day that we played but Sachen Frisco이라고 it because that's what I believe the sponsee is supposed to do reaching out I can't say enough about sometimes I'm afraid to reach out to people and most of the time it's just it's so simple because I've had so many people reach out to me and that's the only way I can stay connected to you is to be willing to reach out and let you know that somebody even it's a even if it's a pitiful person like myself if there's somebody there that will help you that will be there that needs you you know and I pound that into my friends heads I need you to be able to say that and I know that's got something to do with being a sponsee you know I tell my sponsor all the time how much I need them but I tell my sponsors how much I need them and I tell their sponsors how much I need them and I tell their sponsors how much I need them I think I went back far enough I have a huge sponsorship family I believe there's at least a hundred and there's some women in my sponsorship family which you don't often hear about but we're talking about people that got sponsored and that's what you're saying and I'm not going to be able to tell you what can you do with that kind of training because they truly Nejustin it's also sounds like the first time a sponsor actually tried with me as a how does this costs is okay very hard to other people to find web and then I received the call from a company and I said oh I needed what would happen if I didn't. It didn't take me long. They don't have to. As a sponsor, my sponsor doesn't have to have everything that I want. He can have things that are wrong. I want to be like my sponsor because he acts like a kid and I don't know what that feels like. I'm learning. He's teaching me how to act like a kid. I grew up at eight years old. I started being a man at 12 and I had no clue what the hell it was was to run and have fun. To laugh and joke. No, man, it was all serious. It was all serious. And if you started to act like a kid, somebody was going to tell you not to. That's where I came from. My sponsor, I think he's 50. I never really got it all out of him. And he acts like he's 12 and I'm jealous. I'm real jealous. You know, and it's not a bad 12. It's not stomping your feet. He's just happy, joyous, and free. And as a sponsor, I've got to ask him how he does that. I've got to watch him. Sometimes I don't have to say anything to him, ask him any question. All I've got to do is pray and give my higher power the opportunity to show me what I need to see. And if I'm looking or if I'm listening, I'll hear it or see it. But if I got my head stuck up my butt, I'm going to see nothing but one color and it's not pretty and it don't smell good. It does not smell good. And sometimes that's real familiar to me. Better known as, if my head's up my ass, I'm not going to hear or see anything. And I'm not going to believe in you and I'm not going to let you help me. And I'm certainly not going to care about you. And my disease will shove it, there in a heartbeat. It knows me best, knows me better than I probably could ever know myself. It pays attention to everything that I do and looks for every loophole to come at me and beat me down. I could be doing wonderful and have everything in my life going good and get a damn flat tire and within 45 minutes, I'm ready to die. What in the hell is up with that? Because it knows what to do to me. You know, I've been, as a sponsee, insane. You know, a couple of weeks ago, I'm on the phone with another addict screaming, you know what? I'm done. I'm not going to any more NA meetings. Fuck all of you. I'm done. I've had it. I'm sick of you. I'm not coming around that can stick that convention where the sun don't shine. And, I stopped and said, you know what? What am I not doing here? What am I not looking at? What steps am I using to get me where I'm at? None. Not one. Okay, what steps am I going to use as a sponsee to get out of this? Well, I've got to pick the damn phone up. And it don't weigh as much as it used to, but sometimes, because I have a little bit of time, I'm around here. I ain't picking that phone up because I already got the answer. But even if I have it, I've got to be willing to hear it from somebody else. I need to be, I need that confirmed. I need somebody to tell me what I already know. Every single day, somebody's got to tell me what I already know. Because I forget that shit. I truly forget it. And most of the time, it's on purpose. I'm afraid sometimes to be a sponsee because I don't want to hurt my sponsor. And when I do little bitty things as a sponsee that cause him pain, it scares me to death. You know, and I've done some of them little bitty things recently. You know, I've said the wrong thing at the wrong time or had something shared to me in confidence. You know, my sponsor's the type of guy that when he shares stuff, with you one-on-one, that's where it's supposed to stay. But you know, I've only been with him since December. And I'm learning. You know, and I've got a brother that just peeked in the door that helps me, man. Because he's been with him for a long time. My sponsee brothers are strong. Because they're in numbers. There's got to be a hundred in that family. And that's amazing to me. Because the last sponsorship family that I was in, I believe there was about 30. And they were strong. And they helped me. And they drug me through everything. But the bigger your family is, the broader your base is, and the more help you can draw from. And as a sponsee, if my sponsor don't have a sponsor, then I'm lost. Pretty much, and I told them to tap on their watch when it was getting close to time, because I love to share about recovery. I have to be willing to go to whatever lengths it takes to listen and try to practice this program and these simple principles in my life. And most of the time, I don't want to do that. Most of the time, the easier, softer way is the most painful way for me. I'm going to keep being a sponsee because I know that if I don't, I'll die. I'll die. And I've been real close to that nasty feeling recently. I don't have all the fears that I used to have. I have more love as a sponsee than I could ever have imagined. And I got people that believe in me today that love me, that want to help me in my recovery. Doesn't matter what color they are. Doesn't matter what gender they are. Don't matter who they're, where they're from, who their sponsors are. This shit's a miracle, flat out miracle. There you go. You know, and a lot of barriers have come down as me being a sponsee, working these steps and just applying a little bit of this into my life. You know, I really don't have much else to say. I know that there's somebody following behind me that's got a powerful message because I can feel the energy in the room. It has something to do with the way I pray. And I just, I want to say that, that I love you all. And if you don't believe that, see me after this meeting. I'll show you. I'll show you. As a sponsee, I was taught that. Thank you for letting me share, and that's all I have. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. me as a tool he'll start using you as a vessel but I'm gonna tell you something else about being a spa see it ain't my job to run up to the chairperson and ask the chairperson is it time for me to share being a spa see you know that your turn is gonna come being a spa see you ain't got to try to just you know our share I mean your turn is gonna come so I'm gonna share this and say our sponsor would guide us in applying the spiritual principles of recovery showing us how to shift our focus away from our own self-interest and toward a more spiritually centered life a more spiritually centered life you know man I'm gonna tell you something we not like my sponsor called the spa see you in a minute I'm gonna tell you something we not like my sponsor called the You know man I'm gonna tell you something we not like my sponsor called the my sponsor called the My house they're teaching me how to buy gold medallions and my spouse and teaching me how to get fresh before the bank return, you know my spouse is not teaching me that stuff man, my sponsor is teaching me how to look going one step at a time, one step at a time, and the main thing about being a spa, I see is that I need to I need to keep up front first and foremost that check this out man I'm in a process and since initial procedure is a process doing what my spot look what I've learned from my experience is that my spouse ain't got to tell me a lot of time that I'm out of pocket my spouse ain't got to tell me man that I'm out of pocket because if I'm in contact with the step work I'm a know I'm out of pocket I'm a know and I'm doing something that ain't got no business but I'm gonna tell you this too sometimes sometimes what happens is is that our is you know man I don't know about y'all but have a check this out have you ever left me and ended up somewhere you know you weren't supposed to be I don't know if any are ever left a meeting and just went straight to the dumb house you know just just went and done some dumb shit some shit that you know you ain't supposed to be doing I'm talking about you just got through getting a spiritual hit you feeling good your self-esteem is raised you walking with your head up and all of a sudden you do something that make you feel this goddamn small damn why did I have to come like that you know if I love me you gotta do that i'm part of a team oh okay or me buy some of them no oh what do I say yeah wait I didn't catch that um but I'm talking about we talk about the harm comes from what we say but from not enough and what we do but I'm just saying the harm can just come from a general conversation with an employee trying to make you because you got some money on the job you want to employ you want the guy that got less time on the job you don't let him know that I can take your spot you're causing that person harm so check this out in how to be a spa see I need to understand that when my spouse have group is very good that's it designer is very important that I be there when it's group time when it's group time I don't care if the play also I don't care if it's March madness I don't care what's happening if it's good time is good time she says that check this out another type of relapse happens right when making meetings I'm not the top now the top power this ain't something that secondary this ain't something you know but see after a period of time you know we put that kind of stuff on the back burner where I got to get my yeah I got to do this and you know I gotta do that now all of a sudden other thing is more important than the other thing is that we need to be more responsible for the important than you making group everything else is more important check this out man do you know that you know the relapse them talking about in recovery relapse when they say when the means ain't the top priority it's not the physical relapse that they talking about they talking about the relapse in the sixth step when they say that all relapses ain't about chemicals they talking about the relapse in behavior when that place you making four five means a week maybe think because you make your hand reading regularly that you make a means regular I'm talking about how to be a sponsor I'm talking about the fact that I check this out man making meetings regularly means that if I am making at least three or four meetings a week I need to check out that regular really means I need to continue some man look I don't know about you but with my meetings attendance goes down I turn into London caveman in the house don't want to clean up expect everything to be done just cause I'm in the scene I'm talking about my meetings attendance goes down then I'm gonna tell you something else what starts to happen to me man look what starts to happen is I'm slowly losing contact with what really attracted me in the first place and when I start losing that contact with when I start getting to be around other people who are not in recovery check this out now check this out they're not in recovery but we say they're on the same spiritual path that we are some something's happening something's happening there when we're gonna be around us something's happening man when you start saying stuff like well you know like man look look look I'm gonna go here Wednesday night so we can study but I'm gonna tell you something man look look they say they say what worked in the beginning it'll work in the end huh? they say it'll work in the end so check this out by the step work talking about look here it says that that is not being they say this is not a three step program I'm gonna go somewhere right quick since this is not a three step program right and they say they say the change is gonna happen somewhere between 1 and 12 then what's happening is the cure for the third step got to be the fourth step I said the cure for the third step got to got to be in for I'm talking about man now when I get to this four step this is what happened this is what happens most of us don't have much experience with the type of self oppressive that we are about to do huh and we say we must have the guidance and singing you check this out the God it's a prayer we're not in order to understand what we are doing. But you know what was real dangerous about me? I was in a penitentiary, a maximum penitentiary called Stateville Land Gallery B West and I called myself doing a four step with myself. I'm sparsing me. I'm sparsing me but you know I called myself, I said, you know, hey, hey, hey Linda, I sort of wrote everything down about me. I'm feeling better about me. I'm starting to change. But let me tell you something about how when you're involved with something that you don't understand. When you're involved with something, in the 10th century, see I hear a lot of people keep this thing about how, how, you know, I read literature and I read the Bible and you know I like the literature and all like this. But check this out man. Look, look, look. We have a book. We have a book that says study the literature. We got a book that says you must study this shit. You just can't read it. This is spiritual literature. If you read spiritual literature too fast, you're going to miss something. You got to take your time with this because I'm going to tell you something. If you just be reading, what happens is the disease of addiction, when you get through reading, it starts giving you suggestions because you ain't guided by who you need to be guided by. You need somebody else man to tell you, check this out man, you just keep writing. You need somebody else to tell you, man, look, I don't care. Look, look, it was painful for me. Do you know when I sat down with my sponsor and we was doing a four step, he put his four step out. It's something about me and how right doing it and how I stopped feeling like I was unique. Oh, you think you the only hoe in the room? Huh? Wait a minute. Huh? Wait a minute. You think you the only creep up in here? Huh? You think you the only convict up in here? Wait a minute, man, the brother right before me, the brother was saying about man, check this out, whatever you've gone through, somebody else been through it too. Somebody else that had that same experience, the hit is, do you have the guts? I ain't going to fuck with y'all. Check this out, check this out, check this out, man. Do you have the guts? To talk about you. Do you have the guts to get truthful and honest with yourself? Check this out, check this out. It says our sponsor may give us a format to follow certain subjects or points to, check this out, concentrate on. I don't know if y'all are welcome with that. Stop concentrating on the part where you were selling your body. Don't concentrate on that. Don't, don't, don't concentrate. It's something about how, how man, when you start concentrating on something, man, what starts to happen, it's only a matter of time before you right back to living in it. This is why the sponsor is very important. How to be a sponsee, listen to your sponsor. How to be a sponsee, listen, listen to your sponsor. If you're not happy, if you're not happy with the sponsor, you need to talk to the sponsor. See, cause see, you know some of y'all got, got sponsors that y'all was cool with. Huh? You know y'all was hanging out together in the street. Huh? You know what I'm talking about. Some of y'all got sponsors, man, that y'all was buddies in the game, and when you get to four, the game change. Huh? When you get to four, man, look, look, I'm gonna tell you how critical four is. If you notice, Jesse, you know what I'm talking about. If you notice, Jesse, check this out. If you notice in the first step, what happens is God allows us to be our own undertaker. Hey, check this out. He allows us in the first step to be our own undertaker. This is why he tells you, you write this stuff down. See, because in the third step, I gave him a license. That's what our literature said. In the third step, I had to give him a license. I gave him a license, meaning that in the third step, I was a patient. In the third step, I was a patient, and I'm gonna tell you something about being a patient. If you are a patient, and the doctor wants to treat you, you got to sign the consent form. Huh? You got to sign the consent form before treatment can begin. You got to give him a license. This is why, this is why some of us can share, I'm clean, but I'm not clean. Huh? It's cause you ain't gave him a license. Huh? This is why some of us say, well, I don't know why I keep doing what I do. Wait a minute. If you don't know, who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows? You must know. You must know. You must know seriously. You not, look, I ain't just, you know what, what really happened with me, man, my first contact with a four step. What starts to happen, man, is the feelings were so intense that I wasn't going in the crack house, but I kept driving past it. Can I talk to you? I kept driving past the crack house. Let me tell you something. You ain't the only one that's feeling like that. You ain't the only one that's feeling like that. that check this out maybe something that I need to go and check out maybe it's something that I missed because it's painful doing a self appraisal oh it's painful but I would tell you this here I know you got honest in the first up and if you do it that's a little let me tell you something if you read the first step carefully the first step talks about a searching and fearless model inventory and I got shit to do with honesty honesty is your perception or the truth. Honesty is your belief system. We're not talking about you being honest. We're not trying to understand what the step work is telling us to do. The step work is telling us just what? Just write it down. Check this out. As a matter of fact, I told you, look, look, look, I told you before, look, look, the sponsor is going to give you the guidance and the support. The sponsor is going to guide you and support you. So check this out, check this out. Not only can our sponsor provide direction for the actual inventory, check this out, he or she can encourage us to be courageous, remind us to pray, and be emotionally supportive throughout this process. It's something about how man in our literature, in Just for the Day, the chapter, Just for the Day, Living the Program, it talks about how we strive more so for emotional stability. Which means that, check this out, what this first step does is it helps you, check this out, start feeling your emotions. Huh? It stops you from running. What the first step does, it allows you to feel the pain of withdrawal without saying maybe I need to go back to detox. Oh, y'all don't remember that day? Huh? Huh? Y'all don't remember that? No, man, I'm talking about man, when they first took me to detox. They took me to detox, man. Told me to go in. Huh? I walked in there, and I looked out the window and seen the veil was gone. I walked up out that motherfucker. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, what you mean, you liked it with Joe? Huh? Oh, you like detoxing. You like detoxing from that woman. Check this out. If you like me, check this out. I was with one for 14 years, and I'm still detoxing off that. Check that out. Check this out. I'm still detoxing. It's something about man, how deep. You know, your first contact with detox is very uncomfortable. You start asking yourself, I can't go on. Let's talk about being in a county jail going through withdrawals. I ain't eating. I ain't eating in like 42 days. Don't come on. Let me show you. Let me share this with you. The only thing I was eating was cookies and lip. Wow, wow. Let me talk about this. Let me talk about the fact how the pain of withdrawal was so great. Look at me. You can have my breakfast left in the kitchen. Just get me a pack of cookies. Give me a pack of cookies, man. Because this pain that I'm feeling is so great, man. I don't want to feel it. I don't want to feel it. I need it. I need it. So I'm going to share this with you, man. I'm going to share this and I'm going to shut up. After I got off into that first step and really, man, I'm going to tell you something. As a matter of fact, I got, you know, when I got, I got to the painful part of my writing. Let me just share about the painful part. Just write quick. I'm talking about the painful part of being molested at seven years old. Let's talk about in the church by the deacon. Seven years old. Let's talk about that. Let's talk about how the people who are supposed to be responsible for me, they were not allowed. Now, wait a minute. So here's the hit, though. I can use that excuse to continue to be fucked up today. What, you think you don't want to be through some pain? Wait a minute, nigga. Check this out. If you keep crying, check this out. Nigga, if you keep crying, what your baby's going to do? Huh? Feel that motherfucking pain. Feel it. Hey, you know what's tripped out? I didn't have no problem while I was getting into pain. Huh? No, no, see, see, I didn't have no problem going in and out. Okay. But I got a problem staying out. Huh? I ain't got no problem going in and out. But I got a problem staying out. How to be a spy and see. They told me in the field store, check this out, in the field store, they told me, they said these secrets, they're graying the dog, but they died in the light of explosion. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. That was my life. Yes. My life was my closet. I'm going to tell you why my life was my closet. Cause you check this out, man. Initially, initially, you have to be able to get on this with one person before you can get on this with a group of people. Huh? Yes. I'm talking about initially, initially, man, being, being real scared of me. and before I start telling y'all the truth I have to start telling my spouse of the truth start talking about how check this out man even though we broke up I was over there last night oh y'all don't want to hear that now how to be a spa see physically physically the relationship is over but mentally the motherfuckers feel gonna you forgot how you felt when you see no walking to meet with somebody she seemed relatively happy she's not frowning anymore huh she feels like a natural woman wait a minute I got to look at this shit okay I got to look at this man here we go here we go right here it says we risk trusting one person with our secrets and our feelings and we haven't been rejected we begin to have the freedom to trust others not only do we find out that others are trustworthy and deserve our friendship we find that we are also trustworthy and deserved we may have thought we were incapable of loving or being loved or ever having friends we discover that these beliefs were unfounded we learn from the example of our sponsor how to be a more caring friend you know what I'm gonna tell you something if you're dealing with a sponsor and they ain't work the fifth step you might want to see sponsorship somewhere huh yeah I'm just telling you that you might want to seek sponsorship somewhere else see because check this out man how can my sponsor be on the second step and I'm on the first step how's this gonna work how can I really get the help that I need we talking about man how check this out my sponsor he didn't tell me don't get in a relationship for the first year you know what my sponsor told me check this out check this out check this out check this out check this out check this out he said you can get in one just don't marry I no don't get married in the first year don't get married in the first year as a matter of fact let me share something with you if you ain't done a first step and she ain't done a first step we still dealing with contradiction in life and confusion we're dealing with contradiction and confusion why should I have to keep doing it you know and then the trip that part if the relationship last let's talk about how to do years down the line you say I love you baby but I ain't happy I love you but I ain't happy something is wrong something is wrong when when when she cooking dinner and you sitting in the chair looking at her like how the fuck did I give you some is my man when you start looking to pull a Hannibal Lecter on her ass be wondering how you can cut the top of her motherfucking head off oh y'all done seen Hannibal you be trying to wonder how you can cut the top of her motherfucking head off take the defective part out so can you get it and put a motherfucking head back on I'm a good product I keep coming back to youate why oh oh ohh yeah No Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.