Dry Drunkenness – Unity Church Book Study – Part 2 of 2 – Bob A.

Describing alcoholism, ego, and self before it got into the steps. And the reason for that, for me anyway, was the fact that I went to so many meetings for so long and saw at the time that that was the right thing to do as far as what my life was about was going to Alcoholics Anonymous and to stay sober. And so that turned into a method of living, a way of living that was an ongoing thing. I have never stopped going to meetings since I started. But the thing about it was is that I didn't know what reason I was here for. And I didn' t know about the disease of alcoholism. I didn''t know about treating or having a life different than what I had. and I'm not talking about referring to drunkenness or drunken living of any type I'm talking about thinking and living in a world that was always the same world it was always full of conflict and full of injury of some type or adversity or troubles or conflicts or resentments and so on and so these meetings became something that was going on but I wasn't benefiting by it. I wasn' t changing. Nothing different was happening in my life except I wasn''t drunk, I wasn ''t drinking. And there came a time when I had to find out just exactly who I am, what's wrong with me, why I'm here and this reason of being here and how I got that way. And so this started a different way of reading, of listening and of doing in the day I was in something different other than just staying sober. And so this took on a tremendous change that was needed in my life because I couldn't do these things. And I heard other alcoholics, and I read, of course, stories and everything else about how people find the new way of life and find a method of living where they're happy, joyous, and free. But these things were never explained, or they were never offered to me other than what I could produce in a day I was in and I couldn't produce any more than I ever did because I was always doing the same thing. I was also getting frustrated I was getting angry I was looking outside I was seeing something I didn't like I was being hurt or thinking I was anyway and being slighted one way or another. So if it was in them days when I first started to change or wanting to change anyway was that I couldn't understand how you could leave a meeting and then go out in the world that I was in and still get so angry and upset and so disappointed and so full of fears. And sometimes, most of the time, in fact, the things hadn't even happened yet. They were going to happen. And so I didn't understand alcoholism. See, I didn'T understand the word even. See, the word I connected up to being drunk. I connected the word alcoholism because I was put in a hospital and strapped down from drinking. And so I referred to alcoholism as being wet or coming from a wet life. And so, I didn't know, I did not understand what the disease of alcoholism is and why it is called alcoholism even. Because if you are not drinking and you are NOT drunk, you are Not going in bars, why would they call it alcoholism then or why would he keep saying that I'm an alcoholic with alcoholism when they're not drunk and so you see I can read I really can read I always have been able to read but I can't read for the effect of what's in the reading I can get real smart in the brain about something but it's no more than just head knowledge it's not more than recognizing something or admitting something. And so to come to these meetings like this here right now and then to get here and talk about yesterdays, meaning drunken yesterdays or yesterdays in any kind, whether they're good or bad, drunk or sober, and just to talk about that or to live in conflict or live in the day I'm in when I have to fight everybody or it turns pretty sour or the job goes, the wife goes, something goes wrong and then the whole picture goes wrong and so on. And then to think that just as long as I stay sober, that's okay. As long as they don't get drunk, that's Okay. So long as can behave today and not get drunk any kind of behavior I do today is okay. But it's not okay. Because what's wrong is that the same thing that brought me here is happening now and I'm sober but I don't understand that as far as this here method of living or what they're talking about in the 12 steps. I'm so used to going to meetings, have been for years, talking about either the drunk-along, talking about yesterdays, regardless of what the yesterdays were, talking about other people, referring to other people. Talking about your neighbor, your wife, your boss, freeway drivers, anything at all. And to think that that's something to do with why this meeting is here or to think that I can come here and still continue running a brain or a rat race in my brain and not recognize that or not see that or accept that even. And yet, though, that's what brought me here and that's the same thing that I used to get drunk over is I lived in a world I couldn't live in so I got drunk and now I can live in that world. So we have a Monday night stag meeting that we do and this Monday Night Stag meeting is along the same line, same thing. And it's always talking about the day as an alcoholic with alcoholism, as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, talking about today you live in, today. Talking about how you didn't make it or you did make it. Talking about wanting to know what's wrong internally, individually. Not as we or ourselves or anything else, But so that we can, as alcoholics with alcoholism, to benefit by the 12 steps so that you can live in the day you're in and you can have your alcoholism treated. Meaning that the alcohol thinking isn't destroying you or your life or you're not using that type of thinking to try to regulate or figure out today's life. now this I know this to me in the beginning sounded pretty strange it sounded like something that didn't make sense you know because all you have to do now just don't get drunk go out in that world and you'll be able to work you'll wind up with some bucks in your pocket but I can't live in my brain I can live in the world but I'm living when I'm acting like I used to act when I was drinking. I can't do it because I've got a brain that punishes me. I've Got a Brain That Talks To Me. I've GOT A BRAIN THAT KEEPS LOOKING OUTWARDLY ALL THE TIME AND SEEING TROUBLES, SEEING THINGS THAT ARE WRONG. SO TO HAVE A MEETING LIKE THIS AND TO HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABOUT WHETHER IT'S TALKING ABOUT STEPS AS APPLICATION OR NEEDED OR WHAT IT IS, THE CONCEPT OF IT EVEN, OR WHAT It Is And Why It'S There. without talking about other people, without doing a fifth step, without blaming conditions and anything else out there as the excuse to behave like you're behaving. It was a hard... I had a hard time in the beginning because I wore a suit of armor. I did. I wore an outfit. I wore suit of honor. I hid behind me. I pretended that I was somebody who I wasn't. And I was wearing faces for people sober now I'm talking about being a sober for years and I was wearing faces because I was showing you one face and I were showing you another face and so on because as I lived that day I had to do that I was uncomfortable I always felt cheated I felt less than I was always looking for approval and I was always so thin skinned that I couldn't take any kind of criticism any kind of correction of any type and my sponsor I believe was the only one I ever did tolerate along that line i don't think i would take it from nobody other than him but see here in aaa i find out that these are needed things for me as an alcoholic with alcoholism so that i can benefit in the day i'm in by a program of recovery which will change my thinking and living and acting and being it's already there in its entirety it's an entity entity by itself it doesn't need anything added to it there's nothing I can put with this now by saying I have to add this or I have do this and so forth there is such a thing as a method of living a method a living that I could do today where I don't have to get prepared and they don't have to give ready and I don't have to think in terms of how to act how to think and how to be before it even that happens because that's what I'll try to do I'll always try to get ready to do the right thing at the right time with the right people and it never happens that way and yet though in the program recovery the program recovery is in a logical order form so that this day to day for me as an alcoholic with alcoholism I can be the man I should be by the power that can make that possible a power greater than me a God a Lord of my life but it's in program of recovery in an application form today so that i don't have to consider what my brain says or what my eyes see or my ears hear now this might sound a little strange to you maybe it doesn't maybe it does it did for me i know because i always was the power for my life i was the authority i was one that said that i should get mad at you when i want to get mad you I should take whatever you say and figure out that you're trying to harm me and you shouldn't say that and now I'm not gonna like you because you did that that's an ongoing conversation that I do with my life I become the authority in the day I'm in and yet though it is in the big book here on page 45 it says in here that lack of power is my dilemma but how am I going to find the power that's what this book is all about it's to enable me to find the power which this here power now will be a way of life it'll solve my problem and it doesn't say higher power, it doesn'T say God it says power and so I could accept this to make a beginning so like tonight now I don't know how good a day you had or how bad a day but there is a method that I was afraid to ask somebody because I was in trouble and I was in trouble because of my mind and because of my life and because I couldn't do anything different I wanted to do different but I couldn't do different I meant well but I couldn't do well and that's all described in the 12 steps in the 12 by 12 them exact words so to come to a meeting like this it's not about your neighbor it's not about drunk along it's not about many, many, many, many years ago. It's about today's life. It's about what's needed today. I found out that there's only a certain amount of pages in this book here, 12 by 12, this meaning the program of recovery. And it starts out on 21 and ends on 125, so that would be 104 pages about. And yet though, that same 104 pages fits any alcoholic with alcoholism from any walk of life for any reason. not just to stay sober but to be able to function to be able to live in the day you're in not in the yesterdays or the tomorrows but in the day you're in man this is good news this is something I'd like to have more of you see because this is not a static thing it's not a stationary thing it isn't something you do once and then it's over with it's a wasn't this is alcoholism that means today's thinking for today's life as an alcoholic with alcoholism I need this I have to have this and this here is what I'm talking about all the time and I keep repeating this saying it over and over different ways but it has to be this way because my alcoholism is so devastating it's so powerful it's still it's just so it's too it's a little it's not it's no cunning it's all baffling so powerful that I think I'm on safe ground today because I got everything straightened up I think everything is going to be fine from this moment on now because I've got everybody in line I got everything in a circle. Everybody's in a cycle now. And this is not going to change. And the next thing you know, everything changes and I'm lost again. So for you guys tonight to start this meeting out, to make a format, to start a meeting where you don't get caught up into the yesterdays and you don'T get caught up in the futures, you DON'T get taught up in comparisons and memory and all kinds of things like that. There is a way to talk about things that are needed today or that have been done today or needed done today. And this here would mean anything at all. I had to learn how, I had the power of God and I had it to find out from you guys, every one of you, as I went through these meetings in this time about how to do certain things, how to accept a sentence, a phrase, a word, what it means to be willing, to have willingness, what it mean is to surrender, what it meens to be having acceptance. What does it mean? Because I didn't know that. I know the words, believe me. But I don't know how to do that out in the world. I don'T KNOW HOW TO PERFORM LIKE THAT BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS LOOKING OUTWARDLY. I'M ALLOWED TO CRITICIZE AND JUDGING YOU, COMPARING YOU. SO I'M NOT WILLING AND I HAVEN'T SURRENDERED AND I'MNOT ACCEPTING NOTHING, REALLY. BUT YET THOUGH, I'M SOBER. SO I THINK THAT THAT'S THE NAME OF THE GAME. AND YET IT'S NOT. LIVING IN THIS DAY TO DAY THAT I'M IN SO I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO HELL, SO I DO NOT HAVE TO DRINK OR HURT YOU OR ME. THAT'S The Name of the Game. How to function a day because I got something wrong in my brain. When it's by itself, it don't function very well at all. And this is the disease of alcoholism that I'm talking about. I'm not talking about a crazy person that needs to be slapped down like I was in the hospital once. I'm taking a look at myself. I'm just talking about today's thinking living life. Does anybody want to ask something? Start something? Talk about something? And we can get on with a meeting like that. It'll save your life. Save my life. gave me some beautiful years I finally had to break that shell down and tell you I don't know too damn much about living I have to be taught many things I need teaching I need everything this book says that I should have when we started out in steps step one is that I didn't know the purpose of the steps because of what the steps are I thought steps were something that you do you read and when you're done with that step you go on to the next step and then after you're all done you've got 12 of them behind you and then from that time on you just start going to meetings and things will rub off and things won't get well and all that but I really thought that honestly that was an attitude that I kept with me and so I didn't benefit by you know and in step one the first thing was that I could admit that I was powerless over alcohol but I couldn't admit my life was unmanageable because I didn' t know what an unmanangeable life was. And to say, I would be in real deep trouble all the time, my job, my wife and situations. I was a service manager, a Lincoln Mercury dealer, and I was being threatened to be fired every damn day, you know, and everything. So I would get on my good behavior and all that. But you see, I didn't really believe and I didn' t really think that there was anything wrong with me. That was something that was inside built in. That's a protection of self. And I didn't know this, and there's no way I can surrender to something that I know nothing about. There's no ways that I could surrender to do something different than what I'm capable of. I can only do what I am, and that's all I can do. And then step one, you know, it says in here that we must hit bottom. Now hitting bottom was something that, I didn�t know what they meant. I knew what hitting bottom meant as as far as losing something or getting hurt or injured or something like that. But hitting bottom was something that I didn't know anything about. And that was a mental thing. It was something up here, not in my pocket or my wallet or anything else like that but hitting bottom was recognizing exactly what happened and what part did I play in it. And so this here part now on step one it says why all is insistent that every A must hit bottom? First, the answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the AA program unless they have hit bottom. For practice in AA's remaining 11 steps means the adoption and attitudes and actions that almost no alcoholic who is still drinking can dream of taking. Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make prostitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a higher power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry the A's message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic self-centered in the extreme doesn't care for this prospect unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself. That was a beginning now of a surrender. That was the start of understanding of knowing or seeing me, not you. This was a begining of a surrendering that never ends. This is a start. this is like today today for me today the surrender is always the same it's my will as step three says in line with God's will to have something other than what I can produce or be without the conflict without the memory or without the charge itself wanting to have things a certain way I always kept getting on safe ground I always keep getting past something thinking i was all right i always got i'd get past an argument with somebody i'd get past a conflict with somebody where they really got you down pinned down tight and i would get out of that some way or another and after i got out of it the surrender was taken back i was i was again my same old self i could not stay surrendered the reason why i couldn't say surrendered is because of step two because i did not believe i did not believe in anything else other than me. And yet, though, step two says that I'm going to come to believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity. Sanity is living in a world I can live in without me being who I am. Surrender means exactly of my life, of my wife, so that I can perform and be today who I should be, not who I want to be or who I was, but who I should be. So this is where now, in step two, that I can come to believe in a power greater than me, something outside of me, Something that isn't me. Something that doesn't have anything to do with me. If I don't have this, then I can't be surrendered. I can surrender. I must again take charge. I must be the authority for my life. Now this means today. I'm talking about today's life. I'm not talking about maybe a week ago, month ago, ten years ago, twenty years ago or whatever it was I'm talking about today's life to stay this way means exactly what it says I'm going to have principles I'm gonna have a method of living where self is not the authority self is not going to have a damaged brain looking at things situation figuring out things I'm gonna call upon a power greater than me a God step three I'm Gonna make a decision and turn my will in my life over to care of God as I understood them understood it means from two not from my childhood I didn't have one not from churches I didn'T have one so if I'm going to have this way of life there the surrender is going to have to be the same surrender all the time to a power greater than me this if you don't as an alcoholic if you don't use the steps you can't have you can' t have that method you can''t have that way of life you can ''t have God doing for you what you can do for yourself that's in the teachings that's in the steps I'll read it to you that's what I mean about a meeting like this see you can benefit now I have I've had great great help from many alcoholics men and women alcoholics that took time so that they didn't get caught up into yesterdays they didn'T get caught up into ego they DIDN'T get caught up into drunkologues or anything else like that and they told me exactly what I need to hear how to live today so my alcoholism alcoholism will be treated this is what i need to know i notice like to sit at meetings like this and leave the meeting just as meaner meaner than i got here i know what it's like but that's not a surrender that's me taking over that's me again doing the same thing i've always done i didn't come here to learn how to suffer more but you see i don't know how to i don t know how to receive this message because i sit out there like you're sitting now I'm not even here and yet I'm here for my life I am here for my life when I was strapped down in the hospital man you don't think for one minute I didn't want to get out of there I'd have went to 10 million meetings to get out that place but once I'm hear though I pick and choose my alcoholism says baloney I don't need that baloney and yet so it's gonna kill me if I don' do something about it and just a mere fact of getting past or being able to have an open mind step two says that we have to have truly need is an open mind an open mind would only mean a mind where self is not there self doesn't have preconceived ideas self isn't talking to self self is not the authority an open mind would mean be receptive to anything and everything that God wants to present to you whether it's a word wanting to know more about surrender or whatever it is But you've got to benefit by that as an alcoholic. A benefit means that you must now try the very best you can in a relationship with God, which is what step two says, so that you can have soundness of mind, sanity, wholeness of mind. This I learned at meetings like this. I didn't get them at any other kind of meeting because I know how to raise hell and get drunk. I know How to do lots of things, but I don't know how to act today so that I don' t do them things. good enough yeah I'd surrender then would be the same thing I was talking about how to get out of self how to recognize self or get out of self this would be step two actual application is step two trying to believe it now here's what a man did for me he was at a stag meeting on a Friday night at San Fernando this man I asked him one night I said what's so damn different about you why do you act like you act why do you talk the way you talk he's a lot different than me You see, he isn't going around mad, mean, coming in there, raising hell, talking about drunk love, talking about his neighbor. This man was talking about a good life and he was living it. And he told me that he had a God in his life doing for him what he couldn't do for himself. He said, why don't you try it? He said whatever you got doesn't seem to be working. So I asked him a great many things about this here, this life that he was talking about, this God. So he toldme to pray and believe. And I said, what should I believe? He said believe that he'll come into your life and do for you what he's done for me. he said before you know it he says you're going to be believing before you pray you see I didn't understand the disease I didn' t understand who I was I didn''t understand that I was talking to myself and I've been the authority for my life all the time so there's no such thing as surrender in other words I would not accept things that I didn ''t want to accept I wouldnt believe things unless I wanted to believe it or do things unless I want to do it so you see I had to make a beginning somewhere now surrender is not a yes and no proposition in other words I can't say to you yes, I've surrendered because that's what I thought it was I thought It was something you do and then it's done with I didn't understand that this is a place up here where self now is going to be out of there as a way of life so for me to have something else I tried to do what this man said I started praying to a God that belonged to him I started going to work asking this power, this God, at work only, if he would help me here and there because I was always angry, hostile, fighting mad all the time. As time went on, I kept this going all the time. There was such a time factor went by, I don't know how long, but all of a sudden these guys that I worked with, these mechanics, they would say to me, Anderson, you go to church. And I said no. And they said, well something's happening to you. Well see what was happening to me was there was something coming into my life that I was using from my life that wasn't me. I was asking a power greater than me to help me with my anger and my hostility and it was happening. I was starting to look at guys differently, talk differently. I wasn't so mad. I wasn' t looking for trouble. I didn' t have too big a chip on my shoulder and all of a sudden now there is something added to my life that wasn' t me doing it. I had nothing to do with it and yet though it was a surrender that started to take place very little and it wasn' t very often it was down then but the surrender you see is a surrender that I do today this is 39 and a half years later I'm doing the same surrender I'm talking to a power a God, a Lord today to help me think and act and be who he wants me to be so I want to carry your message Lord not mine would you help me would you be with me you see I'm not talking to me I'm looking at my works I'm going into my head and say, how do you think of this? What do you want to do here? How should you handle this? I don't do that. The surrender that you're talking about now is coming only because of what the steps do in the order form they're in because in step two says exactly what I need to know. And you know, in two, the end of two, last page of two it says, therefore step two is a rallying point for all of us whether agnostic, atheist or former believer we can stand together on this step true humility and an open mind can lead us to faith and every AA meeting is the assurance that God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to him see the surrender is a condition now that if you believe in something other than you you can have that you can be that you can live with that it says that right there an open mind surrender would mean just empty your mind of self an open mine is not a vacuum mine it's just a mind that's not captured with self it's a mind that doesn't have preconceived ideas to be surrendered means a state of mind without self when self wants to protect self self wants to look at self believe me self is the power and self is your problem I don't go to self for answers I just don't I don' t go to self and say what do you think of this Anderson because boy you know I get a bum answer every time I do that I want it different I want now I want you to change I don''t want change surrender is a good word see that's why I had to learn you know a lot of I don ''t know if any of you guys have great trouble with this I had great trouble with it is that words kept throwing me for a loss because I took the word for what it said is knowing all about the word but I don't know anything about it as a way of life or as the reason why the word is there because it's in it's within the steps in all it's in all of them every one every one of them that way why would they say the words any of these here any of those words they tell you in here why would they put it in the manner that it's put in like words like you know in step 11 it says sought through prayer and meditation sought through prayer and meditation we went through that just the other night but why would they use words like that I don't recall ever using that word I don' t know if you do but I never have I don''t sought things I don ''t even know how to use that in a sentence probably you know but yet they've got it there for a reason and all the programs of recovery is like this because this is something now that covers living meaning that these 121 pages here would go from now to when, I don't know. And it would fit any situation for any alcoholic with alcoholism for any situation regardless of who you are. Now you could be anybody. Anybody at all. And yet though the method of living will treat your mind so that your way of life now will be the life you should have instead of the life that you come from or the lifethat you can produce. Surrender is a good word. Acceptance is another one. Willingness is one that's really a bugger because I think I know what a willingness is, too. I don't. One of the problems that I have, Paul, we were talking about when I was in Alcoholics Anonymous for over two and a half years, my life was never important to me. Living was important to be. thinking ahead of myself acquiring things houses, cars money anything you name it that's what I thought the name of the game was see my life was not important to me but living was important to be what I felt was living what I though was necessary what I thouht I was doing see I don't know if you if you do this or not I did it I know so that meant that the day I was in I could do anything that day so long as I achieved something that I thought was needed no matter how I got it no matter what I thought up here to get it even when my life became important to me meaning that my life internally inside me the way I think, act, am when that became important to me that's when this became important to mean the application of steps of meeting and knowing and having something now that was genuine was consistent was real it was mine it belonged to me God gives it to me it's mine you can't take it from me no matter what you do you still can't take it form me I can throw it away I can not use it I can deny it but you can take it from me that's when my life started to become important to me is because I could live with me I could be with me I didn't have to see me in a mirror and know who I am I changed the bad thoughts the mind thoughts the thoughts that were killing me I wasn't using this here method now was producing exactly what it says spiritual principles that were guiding and directing me and it was a very slow process for me it doesn't mean it has to be slow for any alcoholic it doesn' t mean that at all it was for me I didn' t have help that I needed I didn't have somebody sitting down and telling me exactly what these words mean in an application form today's life today so that I had to struggle I had go through each day trying to figure each day out because I knew there was something wrong with me there was nothing wrong with you but there was something wrong with me before that you see there was nothing wrong with me it was because I needed a new car I needed a prettier wife I needed I needed something and that in turn was going to fix me that in return was going to change the day over for me and make my day a pretty good day you see that's not so because each time that I live like that each time I acquire things like that I get worse I get worst internally I can have the new cars I've had them I've got everything there is to have along that line and I still kept getting worse in my brain I still keep having that same feeling all the time that I was missing I was being cheated I needed something else you had more than I had I should have more than you have I've been sober longer than you and so on this is a mental thing going on this is the thing that I take to bed I wake up in the morning I think the same damn way you mean to say an alcoholic come the alcoholic anonymous has to live like he lived when he was drunk that's what I did I was the same man sober as I was drunk I couldn't look at you in the eye I was afraid to my eyes would go right to the floor I was scared you might find out something about me yeah I mean this This is true, what I'm talking about. This happened to me. But only by the grace of God and the application now of the 12 steps gave me the life that's promised here. It's promised to each and every one of us. But how do you get it? You don't get it by sitting in meetings because you don't know because you can't get treated at meetings. You can't read this and treat yourself. Lack of power is still your dilemma. This is real. To have this means exactly that you have to go for it you have to do something now that you don't know how to do but you don' need to know how to do it because the power is there to do it with that's why step two is in a logical order form of the second step so that when you get to three you can make a decision you can make a decision a decision is a lopsided deal a one way deal a decision instead of going to self I'm going to go to God a decision says it works with God it don't work with you a decision my life is important to me right now right now and it's been important this way for a lot of years not my living life my life myself internally who I am what I am the way I think the way I act don't think I don't get thoughts that are pretty disturbing they come too but I don't give them energy. I don't feed on them. I don't take them around the corner with me. I don't wake up with them. I don' t keep looking at you thinking thoughts that I shouldn' t think. I just don' d do that. There is a method. There is a power greater than me that can restore me to sanity, soundness of mind. I do have something but I didn' t get it by talking about how drunk I used to get. I didn't get it by talking about my neighbors, how bad they' re acting, how mad my wife' s acting or anything like that. This is all about me, not about you. Yeah? Yeah, of the steps of what I was doing. Because you see, I had, I always kept me in front. I was always checking in with me. Now, what I mean by that is that the steps, they're in a logical order form and they're in a numbered form so that I can keep, that I will keep them in the numbered area, the numeral area of one to two to three and so forth. And the reason for that is that, is that the steps to do what they, to do what they're supposed to do, I'm gonna acquire the power to do it with. Step two is where I make a beginning on that. Step three is where I make a decision now what I mean by that is is that I had to be introduced into who God is and who I am because this is what I was missed this is What was missing all the time is that I tried to do everything in here so long as I was sober I'll let God get me sober and keep me sober which is what i thought was the right way but and that's explained here and page 37 and you're 12 by 12 and so this means now what it says in here is that God will take care of my drinking problem but I'm going to do my living problem see, that's an attitude that I took so when I get a new guy or new guys is that immediately we talk about alcoholism ego and self and then we start in the steps and we go steps 1, 2, 3 and then I take them back down to 1 and let him do one, two, three. And by that I mean he's the one that has to, or she, I've had lots of women babies too, that now they have to, the alcoholic has to now tell me all about alcoholism, ego and self, and then tell me exactly what steps one, two, and three mean to them. Individually, each one. Balder included, Roy included, Art over here, Ted Jack back there. these guys know from their own head now not mine their head their brain their lives exactly who they are what's wrong how they got that way and then they start in steps one two and three to know the steps in an application form whether they do it or not it's not my job see that's theirs that's their business not my business but if I don't help them they will too do what I did possibly they will do they'll try to figure this out by themselves so that they can do the correct thing or think they're doing the correct thing so that they can be sober and have this way of life now I believe most alcoholics want God to help them right away with their drinking problem with the wet side or whatever is wrong with them on that side and yet though it talks in here we did this before in step three and it's on page 37 and they're talking here about dependence about how we're dependent on electricity even. We use it, we don't even know how it got there, where it's going and we can't see it, smell it or anything else so we're dependant on them lights up there right now. We depend on that light because we threw the light switch but it says this, but the moment our mental or emotional independence is in question, how differently we behave, how persistently we claim the right to decide all by ourselves just what we shall think and just how we shall act Oh yes, we'll weigh the pros and cons of every problem, wholistic and politely to those who would advise us, but all the decisions are to be ours alone. Nobody's going to meddle with our personal independence in such matters. Besides, we think there is no one we can surely trust. We are certain that our own intelligence, backed by willpower, can rightly control our inner lives and guarantee us success in the world we live in. This brave philosophy where on each man plays God sounds good in speaking but it still has to meet the acid test how well does it actually work one good look in the mirror ought to be enough ought to answer enough for any alcoholic and that's exactly what I needed to know for myself and then for these others too to carry a message is not just about being sober it's a great deal more than that and if they don't have this information if they can't do no more than what they've been doing and that means you if you're an alcoholic with alcoholism because step one says that step one also says the same thing and it says in here it says here when first challenged to admit defeat most of us revolted we had approached AA expected to be taught self-confidence then we have been told that so far as alcohol is concerned self-confidence was no good whatever in fact it was a total liability our sponsors declared that we were the victims of a mental obsession so subtly powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it I can't read this I don't know this until I was shown taught and told exactly what this is all about and so once I did have this information that I said the alcoholism ego and self once I did understand from an alcoholic exactly what steps one two and three are there for so that I can perform now because it's up here. It's not out there in you. It's up there in my own head. I know what alcoholism, ego and self is in me and I also know what steps one, two and three do for me. This is something I know. So then and only then would I see success in other alcoholics' lives. I've seen many, literally hundreds of them today, this day. And, you know, this is really something. You know, let me tell you too. I got a call the other day. I went home Tuesday and I got a call. You know, it's a baby of mine in Cheyenne, Wyoming. And it's one of his babies that called me and wants to fly me there for July 11th to give my baby his birthday cake in Cheynne. And they're going to pay the bill and everything else for me. But he's got 17 years. 17 years! Man, that's beautiful. that's really something to have inside you, the experience to know that the message is always the same for him like me I can't give it to him, I can only give it to me and yet it's the same thing each and every one of us need and then you know you were talking about the other part of how Alkies talk and how they relate their lives these guys, all these guys here will tell you there's no damn way I'm ever going to let you tell me about your wife. No damn way are you going to tell me how bad she's acting. No way are You going to Tell Me About Her. You're going to have to tell Me About You. I'm not going to Let You Talk About Her, whoever her is, or him, if it's a gal, because that ain't the problem. That's not the problem There's none of them None of them will I sit still and spend any time with that want to talk about the rat race, that want To Tell Me about how good their ego is, and how bad their alcoholism is behaving now. that's not the purpose of a sponsor that's what's needed and I just won't allow it there's too much time lost in my life in the past years drinking or sober I don't need to spend any more time today worthlessly talking about something that doesn't need to be talked about and that's about other people that's how bad they're making my life because it's them that's doing it no way I believe honestly believe that the message is in the 12 steps and when you talk about alcohol as an ego and self and what it is how it got there and what if what it does I believe you'll be able to see more of what's there to see meaning the disease and how it functions why somebody wants to talk about somebody else and yet though the blame is inside it's never outside this is this is real good stuff you're talking about really it's important really important how about somebody else in step 3 here's what step 3 says that I think is real important it says then it is explained that the other steps of the AA program can be practiced with success only when step 3 is given a determined and persistent trial this statement may surprise newcomers who have experienced nothing but constant deflation and a growing conviction that human will is of no value whatever they have become persuaded and rightly so that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault powered by the individual alone. But now it appears there are certain things which only the individual can do. All by himself, in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness. When he acquires willingness, he is the only one who can make the decision to exert himself, trying to do this as an act of his on will. Now, this I had to find out why they put words in here and what it means and all that, is that it says in here it is when we try to make our will conform with God that we begin to use it rightly to all of us this was the most wonderful revelation our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower we had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into an agreement with God's intention for us to make this increasingly possible as a purpose of the age 12 steps and step 3 opens the door Well, acceptance is learning a great deal about who you are. Now, acceptance is easy to say because acceptance sometimes means a compliance. Sometimes it means accepting something that you don't really accept. But you'll go ahead and you'll conform or give in to it or eat humble pie and then thinking you're getting away with it, so on. The acceptance part is when they're talking in here in 3 and it says in here but now it appears that there are certain things which only the individual can do all by himself in the light of his own or having it or wanting to have it see accepting something would be just to get by to pacify something and so there had to be something now about 3 when I says in there that I'm going to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to God's care as I understood them. Now, what's my will and what's my life? Now, that's something that I'll have to know what that is because I can make decisions but I don't know what the decision means when I have to live by that decision and that decision means exactly what it says. I'm going to turn my will my will is my intelligence my brain, my ego my whole being smartness and memory and any feelings or anything at all that you want to say, the will. The will is my brain. That'll cover a lot of ground. And if I'm going to turn my will in my life, my life is where I perform, the day I'm in, where I'm at, what I'm doing, how I'm thinking, how i'm acting, comes when the will and the life is who I am. Who I am. If I'm gonna put my will and my life in the care of God, that's believing, trusting that means calling upon that means associating every thought every day the best I can 100% of whatever I got if I can do that then it's less a self itself is not in the picture the surrender and the acceptance are two words that are pretty difficult to understand in living because it means that if you do it for one reason then it only takes care of the one reason but to have a state of mind meaning I've already made a decision to turn my mind and my life what I do the performance over to God's care as I understood a meaning from two then I can have that life now that's explained again and again and again in here on page 25 in your big book they're talking exactly about this they're talking about the great fact is just this and nothing less that we've had a deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude towards life towards our fellow and towards God's universe the central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our creator has entered our hearts and lives in such a way which is indeed miraculous he has commenced to do those things for us which we can never do by ourselves this is what it means this means that this morning my life is based my the quality of my life is based on the relationship with God today my life is based on the relationships with God today not a relationship with me or you or anybody of the human power but it's always based there if I'm thinking and talking to me about life, about answers solutions, about wants or anything else like that you know damn well there's no God in my life there's now way that I could think correctly to do correctly whatever it is that's needed for my life because I haven't got that kind of power I don't have that kind of power that's why step three is in the third position third position logical order form now if I can have this much of what I said before if I talk to you as a baby and I tell you about one I tellyou about two and I'll tellyouabout three now you go back and we'll put you through now you tell me about one you tellmeabout two you tellmewabout three because I want to hear what's in your head about your life and what you believe and you're going to tell me because it's already here it isn't something I'm going to say it's not my idea it certainly isn't and so this year again now would be the same thing for each and every one of us as alcoholics with alcoholism to depend upon something other than self to want to go to to use to have now you know damn well each and everyone of us can deny this anytime we want to we can walk alone anytime we wanted if you want to pay the price fine I don't want to pay that price no more I paid too many prices like that. I'm going to give it 100% of whatever I got. If I only got 20%, I'll give it a hundred percent at 20%. But I'm gonna try. I'm not gonna give it all I got, whatever that is. And in turn, this method now is not my method. This is proven. So to learn this, to learn it, actually learn it means perform with it, try it. If you miss the mark, go back. If you don't think God answered you, go back and see if he'll answer you again keep trying maybe this time but you see what you're doing you're done exactly what God wants you to do he wants you turn your will and your life over to his care regardless of what you think how many times that I think that I've been given a bum deal only because I say so not because God says so all I have to do is hang on hang on a little tighter pray a little harder and it turns out right every time never has failed yet this is important what you're asking about this is an important to try if you think for one minute that this is boring or this isn't needed or this doesn't work go ahead and fight the life out there go ahead have a relationship with somebody you love and hurt them go out there and hurt the world again hurt people you love man I did it too long this book don't talk like that it doesn't tell me that I'm going to have to suffer it doesn' t tell me that I' m going to have to keep missing the mark this is promises bottom of page 83 that's step 9 just a few promises but man they're never a beginning though I want believe me I want all that God wants me to have because I want I want that life so far I've been very very fortunate very blessed only through God's grace not mine I'm not ashamed to tell you I can't do good by myself I'm nothing I'm not ashamed of that this whole life I went so long without this I hurt I hurt some people but I didn't want to hurt them and I did there wasn't anything else I could do about it not at the time there wasnít but there is now that I have in the life that I'm in this started a long time ago I didnít know that this is this God is needed in all of my affairs. I thought that coming to Alcoholics Anonymous you straighten out the life that's there that's damaged and then you get it all in line and get things corrected and so on and then we're going and then you go from there but I didn't understand that each and every day now page 85 talks about what you're talking about it says that we're not cured of alcoholism what we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition so every days a day we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities these now what you're talking about is what i had to learn because i was so used to learn i learned from another alcoholic now how to pray i learned how to say words from another alcoholic not from no churches or nothing i've learned in alcoholic synonymous i gave no prayers and no god at no time so i learned this from an alcoholic now now he's this is what I learned I learned that there's such a thing as a ritual now rituals what I was doing now I was taught to talk to God in the morning when I get up and I talk to him at night when I go to bed now this is the way I was taught I was also taught what to say in words that I could use because I had no words now that was the beginning it's okay there's not a thing wrong with that but it must go farther than that now the next thing I learned I got a hold of the Sermon on the Mount by Emmett Fox and that was I had been sober a couple of years when I got that I gotthat from a woman alcoholic that found an answer for her life in a relationship with a God that she didn't have And so then I got that book, and I started studying it. And so I started to increase a little bit more of an application of my life daily that I would read, like say in the Sermon on the Mount, I would make sure that I could read so many pages before I went to work in the morning. Now, I did this for 28 years, never, never leaving my home wherever I was without reading because I found out that I couldn't get farther in the day. But see, that wasn't enough either. That was a beginning and a pad to. Then it became more demanding on me to have more than that. And so then I would start associating like at work, asking God to help me with my anger and hostility. That's all. And then I got past that. But see, I was changing and didn't know it. The next thing you know is that I started talking to God at certain times. Now what this meant is that I'm a mechanic. I've been a mechanic all my life. And so I'd be working on cars, engines and different things, you know. And so I don't think God's needed there, so I didn't talk to him there. But he is needed there because that's my life there, see? And my will is there. And so this starts now a relationship where I started having more than a ritual, more than an morning and a night thing. I started caring more about living a life with a power, a God, a God that I talked to, and asking him about my life, what to think, what to say, what do do. I got some parts here I can't find the parts I get mad I slam bang things I cuss and swear now all of a sudden I'm not getting so mad I'm cussing and swearing so much because things are going pretty good I'm finding parts you know I know I got them I got a whole truck full of them so you see what's happening now is I'm starting to benefit from a power greater than me by using that power in all of my affairs but all of mine isn't there yet some of them are and so I'm starting to build something I'm starting to build a way of thinking, acting, living. A relationship to depend upon a power greater than me. And so I call upon this God. I put him in my truck and I take him out on the freeways. I'm riding on the freways. I'm repairing trucks on the friways. I'm not getting frustrated. I'm in no rat race. I'm Not Hating Drivers. I'm NOT Hating the World. I'm changing. But you see, I don't know why I'm changed. Because it's pretty smooth here and here and there. But all of a sudden, bang! It's not so smooth over here. But here, over here, is where I'm starting to realize that it's all about me. I left God back there. I haven't got God over here. You see, this is a personal relationship now. This isn't... See, this ist what I found out about prayer. There's two parts to prayer. First, there's the communion or the petition with God. And then the second part is living that day according to that prayer so that I can have what God wants me to have today. Now, this isn't doing God's will. But I don't know this. and so now when I wake up in the morning I can pray to God on my knees or I don't need to pray to my knees because I'm already talking to God I've already got a relationship we're already going it's not a ritual it's no time factor it's something I'm going to spend half an hour doing it could be but it's nothing and so here I'm starting now to understand a little more about an application of what they're trying to tell me in here now this here is something now that each one of us, whatever amount you do, it's not up to me to judge it or tell you it's right or wrong or anything else because it's a personal thing. But I can tell you this that each time that I call upon the will of God, the power of God for my life, he's there. It happens. I'm better. If things are... I used to call lucky. I lucked out. That's not luck. That is God's nickname. I don't know that though. This is something that I've got to have and I'm not ashamed to tell you about it. at one time my skin would crawl I would think that if you talk like I talk you're a Jesus freak there's something the matter with you and I would excuse away my behavior by denying God or denying your God even because I thought that I didn't need that but I do need that and so this here is a building thing so that I can be talking to God right now and I do and I can carry God with me wherever I go and he's needed wherever I goes because anything and everything that I do I got to remember my will in my life is dependent on that because that's what I did in step 3 if I'm going to have God's help I must allow his help to be there God will never do anything for me that I won't let him do he won't so this here now is a personal thing this isn't religion or anything else this is strictly spiritual life trying to do something that I don't know how to do trying to have something now that I need for my life and I don't even know what it is but it's there because self the disease of self of thinking of self the mind is not is not the power is not controlling me I can be who I should be for my lot not yours my life this is only because of the grace of God the grace that God is doing what God is doing for me that I can't do for myself if I ask God I'm asking a power greater than me I mean asking me Because I get, man, I just can't give the right answers. But God will slow my brain down. He'll give me an intuitive thought, a hunch. It happens all the time. It's like finding a parking place where nobody else can find one. I find one, but that isn't because God did it. It's because the fact is my mind isn't so rat race that I can't see something that's obvious to see. Yeah, it's true. It's really true. And this here is serious stuff because my mind is slowing down. It's actually functioning better than it ever functioned before and it's something that I want more of all the time. I don't want to live in that brain that keeps talking to me and keeps hurting me and keeps just telling me dumb things all the same. I want to tell a person that I like, I like the friendship and I'd like to tell you today while you're living exactly what I think. I don' t want to wait until you're dead and then tell you, man, I've got to put flowers in a grave. that's a bunch of baloney but that happened to me that's why I'm saying this we're always talking about the same thing whether you know it or not and we're also talking about the grace of God doing for us what we can't do for ourselves this here is already there there's nothing that you can add to this nothing just do the performance you don't even have to know what the performance is it'll be given to you I'm not ashamed listen I talk to God all the time I really do I have to the reason I have to is because I got a brain it just keeps going and going and going all the time it just don't shut down it used to go 100 miles an hour now it's maybe going 50 but boy I'm telling you it's still there still there it's so charged up it's good to know these things about yourself I'll tell you it really is because I don't have to excuse away my behavior I don't have to go around kicking myself in the hind end I don' t have to go around doing the things I used to do being so ashamed of myself only inwardly I don''t need to do that if I make a mistake I'll tell you about it I'll apologize and I'll try my damnedest not to do that again I don'T have to live with it I don ''t take to bed tonight with me this is something really treasured Bobby when I was going up to San Fernando many years ago and I would pick they had a lot of wet ones then they didn't have so many drying out places they only had dryers down on Riverside so you got used to being around a lot OF wet ones all the time so I'd put them in a hotel and pay their bill for maybe a week and make sure the guy knows that he's not to give the money back to the guy and keep him there a week and I'd go over to the meeting over at San Fernando and then I would blow my horn over there and I tell all these guys over there There was great works I was doing, you know, spending my money and all that. And you ought to hear them guys, you Know, they, boy, they just chew me out good, You know, they'd tell me, you Now, the only reward you got is a pat on the back You just now wanted to see and all That. You'd have to go out and do something now and do it again and keep your mouth shut this time, man, you said, You know. And I didn't know what they were talking about. I had no damn idea, you You know what was needed, but they knew what was Needed, see? and then when I got into the step application and got into step seven that's when that man got a hold of me that Alki got ahold of me boy and it turned my whole life around and man I just loved every minute of it after that boy because that's When I started to feel good look good and I was good and I knew it you know but it was only because of the grace of God not because of my grace you know so humility and humbleness it was something that I didn't know what it was or how you get it but I'll tell you the step allocation will give it to you That's step seven. The last is probably the best of what you said at that time. You know, meditation, for a long time I was scared of the word and I heard a great many things about it and everything else. But meditation was always taught to me in the beginning. It was at a specific time in the morning when I first woke up. Before I did anything, I had to meditate. and I found out for me anyway that that's not so meditation could be any time at all where I shut down the quiet time is right quiet time in the brain only not quiet time and activity or anything else like that it's the meditation part would be like even in step when in step 11 even in that when they're talking in there and it's up to you yourself now some guys can Alkies that I know of can do what they claim is they do it for half an hour some of them do it for an hour there's no damn way I can do it for like that I just can't that's totally impossible for me there's not a way I could turn my brain off like that for that length of time anyway that's the real being honest but there is such a thing as shutting down and I do shut down at different times and I did it this morning even and most of the time when I shut down like that it's because there's something going on in my life that seems disturbing to me And with me, it's mainly health problems. And that's only because my brain kind of gets scattered a little bit, gets into the future a little better, something like that. But meditation is actually, I believe, when I read the Sermon on the Mount and I find in the Beatitudes, in the Serman on the Mountain, 18 to 153, I would start studying there and this would be like thinking about things that I'm gonna that I need that I can think of to do and all that not that I am praying to do that or anything else like that but these there are things that I am allowing them to come into my brain so that there's other things in my brain that stops me from thinking that way in other words I'm not caught up in a rat race I'm got caught up into something in today's business before it starts I'm NOT caught up the tomorrow's or yesterday's and I'm not worried like health problems even things like that But when they are there, though, sometimes I do shut down. I have to shut down, but it's only to get out of that what I'm in because I just can't get out OF IT no other way. And I think that meditation is needed in any time of the day because I found out, like I was saying before, I'm a mechanic, I'd be working in the afternoon and say, and I'd really have to go over to the damn truck over there and have to get quiet and sit down for a little while because I was starting to get caught up I was trying to get caught up in the time factors and pressures of different things about business and trucks and all those kind of things like that and it's not a prayer it'snot a prayer at all, I'm not telling God or asking God or displaying to God anything at all other than just listening a quiet time, empty time of brain if you can, I know for a fact if you could make a beginning of sitting still or laying however you want to do it whatever kneeling or whatever if you could learn how to shut down and stay like that for even ten minutes that's a hell of a long time that's along time to listen without having thoughts go through your brain about what what's going on in the world in your world anyway is that I believe that when I had what I needed to have is always being supplied to me I know that it's either coming from a book or a line or a telephone call or a person or something like that and I needed to have the understanding about what prayer is and I don't mean religious stuff at all I'm not talking about that at all I'm talking about the performance the second part of the prayer is to be able to walk this day in remembering what I talked to God about what I said to God what I thought I needed from God and so that I could perform that day and live that day according to that prayer because you know I never could do this before because I always was asking God to do something for me I was always asking God specifically because I was taught this way by a sponsor even to be specific to name exactly the things that I thought were needed or necessary in my life specifically now the Sermon on the Mount says that too you know it says don't generalize be specific if you lack transportation if you need housing you need friends or anything like that be specific in your prayers but I didn't know what it means about the second part of prayer is how to live that day so that if I do lack whatever it is that I can contribute to my life with the power of God behind me so that will be there it will be supplied now that's pretty hard to understand sometimes you know when they said lack of transportation I got a baby some of these guys know him and he stole a car and got locked up and then he didn't have a car and so on so I told him be specific pray for transportation and somebody gave him a bicycle he went to a meeting he parked his bicycle in the meeting you know and I thought boy that's something but that's since that time I'll tell you prayer has meant a great deal to me and I've used it everywhere I could possibly use it but I also know that I can be talking to God right now specifically I don't have to wait till I get on my knees I don' t have to wait until tonight I can talk to God right now you see this is something that I never knew before nobody ever told me how to do this but I found out how to doing it and it works for me and this is something that I need because my days go really to hell sometimes so quick that I have to talk to God right now I can't wait till tonight I can' t wait till I get home or any other place like that but see this is something that the quality of my life now is always based on the grace of God that means a relationship with God see the quality of my life genuinely thinking acting living now this is what the steps tell you all the time the application of the steps is telling you not to do this do this and it already tells you what to do this is amazing it really is, I think that this would fit any alcoholic with alcoholism from any walk of life, I don't care and it's the same pages that fits you like it fits me it's damn near unbelievable you know, it really is, it could turn you around where you couldn't have a relationship with anybody now you can have a relation hell I got two daughters, I got a daughter that's 16 and a daughter that's 18 man I'm be 71 years old next month these are my kids only through the grace of God and me it's spectacular honestly it really is this is treasured stuff you know we're not talking about no rat race I'll tell you I'm not talking about no rat race anyway I know what it's like to live in a rat race when you have hatred in your heart I don't want to know your hatred in my heart I want to be happy joyous and free I want to know what them words mean well we're about done huh so next week David you're going to have something all put together for next week right okay real good uh oh our father Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses and the duty of those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.