Drinking to Escape the Feelings That Were Always Underneath – Joanne C.

I'm an alcoholic. I'm Joanne. Is that too loud? I used to have an ego where I used to like to shake my mouth off when I didn't have any of the answers and now that I found a solution, I really hate to get up here and talk. It's been a pleasure to be part of the Tanglewood Committee, and I'm really honored that they asked me to speak. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time in 1981. I don't have 20-something years of sobriety. When I first came in, I was 17 years old. I was broken. I weighed 101 pounds. I was a daily drinker, I was a DT drunk and I came in through the rehab system and I had grown up in an alcoholic home through my whole life so I knew and understood alcoholism but I didn't know how it applied to me and I didn' t know that when I drank I became different you know I just know that When I drank I felt good in the beginning I had my first drink at 9 and I got trashed and I loved it and it took away all the feelings I had all the pain, all of that and I just kept following chasing the dragon and I kept drinking to try to get those feelings so my alcoholism progressed really fast I never wanted to pick up one drink and stop there I always drank to get drunk and being young I had to do a lot of things to get alcohol I'd have to steal from my parents my mom wasn't a drinker she was just an alcoholic who needed to drink but didn't drink you know what I mean and my dad, he was a drunk and he was very abusive and I never had a good relationship with my father and I used to blame him for my drinking it was always all about him that's why I started to drink because if you had my father you would drink too and what happened for me the streets were safer than the home and so I became part of the streets you know I was 12 years old and I left home ended up in Florida hitchhiking and my disease followed me and it progressed really really bad there and I got involved with people I shouldn't have gotten involved with and again I would drink just to get rid of the feelings that I was feeling I never was able to sleep and I couldn't look in the mirror because I didn't like the person that I saw and I just didn't like any of me and that was my disease and today I like me I don't love me, I'm not quite there yet but I like myself and I'm no longer not all that bad today but back then I was somebody that I wouldn't even want to hang around with and I just drank and chased in that and wanted to get that feeling and what happened is it stopped working And the more I drank, the worse I felt. So again, the cycle just progressed, and I would just drink and do drugs. That's part of my story too because of AA. I try to honor the traditions. I try and keep it a little bit separate, but I really can't because they're so intertwined. I just lost myself. I remember when I was a little kid, I thought, you know, I wanted to be a lawyer. I really did, and I'm not a lawyer today, but I don't want to be one today either. When I was a kid, I wanted to. I had these little things. I would leave, you know, one day I would get away from here. I would put myself through school. I would do all of that. And I never got the chance to do that until I came into the halls of AA. And what happened is my disease progressed and things got worse. Life on the outside got worse, and life on the inside got worse and I got worse and the people I hung out with got worse. And my self-esteem was always, like, from the people I hung around with, you know? I mean, there was a point in my life where I know it's hard to picture it now with the baseball cap and all this and that, but I had long hair down to here. I really looked like a girly girl. I had makeup going on. I knew how to operate on a sexual level. I knew there was sex in power. I knew all of that and when I drank, I could act out on all of it. I knew that I could do all of that. and I knew that sex made money too and I acted out on that and by acting out on that I lost all my self-esteem if I had any it was gone and when I came into the hospital for the first time I was 17, I weighed 101 pounds I ended up in a rehab for women and I didn't want to be there because I didn' t hang around with women anyways and I did'nt like women and I just didn't want to be there but I was dying and something happened. They introduced me to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and I would go to meetings and sit there and feel like I didn't belong because it was in 1981 and at that time there wasn't a whole lot of young people in AA. They were all over 30 or something and back then that was really old, you know? And I didn' t identify because I kept waiting to hear my story but I really never heard my story because I was always thinking I was different, you know, and I was worse than them and all of that. But the people in AA, some of them were really nice to me and then there were some people that really weren't and they told me that, you now, I didn't belong there, I was too young, I was going through adolescence and I wish that was that easy, you kno, because I'm going through adolescent now and it's a heck of a lot easier. And so I think I stayed basically despite the old timers I really did so I would come and I'd hear I spilt more than you ever drank and I thought well that's good because I never spilt a drop and I shoot my mouth off and I take inventory not mine, everybody else's and I stayed for five years and the only reason I managed to get five years clean and dry because I was not sober I was crazy was because I got involved. They said, get involved. So I did. I spent three and a half months in the 28-day treatment center. I went home for a leave to see if I was going to go into a drug treatment center for a year. And what happened was I got into a motorcycle accident the night I was supposed to come back to rehab. The guy that was driving, he died. i ended up in a coma for about a little over three months and when i came to that's what it was you know we talk about a spiritual awakening and coming out of that coma was like a spiritual awakeness because i didn't just get right up and talk i didn'T get right UP and walk it took a little time you know and my brain had been dead a little bit, and I knew then that there was a higher power. I really did, because I remember the doctor saying, you must have a will to live, because you shouldn't be here, and I remember thinking, before the accident, I just wanted to die. I didn't have that will to life, and the people in AA, they were really good. You know, I had all these cards in the hospital, and I didn'T even know who they were, and there was this guy, he was the biggest 13-stepper of AA. But he didn't 13-step me because he told me because I wondered, you know, I was like, what's the matter with me? And he's like, you have been so used and so abused throughout your life, it would be an injustice for me to sleep with you. And that was a really powerful thing because for two years in my first five years of AA, I only operated on the sexual level, you know. I'm in rehab and you give me a hug and I point to my bedroom. But I was grateful for that man. After I came out of the hospital he picked me up every day. He took me to meetings every day He got me involved in AA He got involved in the district area in Portland He just like, you now, he was older than I was And what happened was he became the father figure that I never had and I'm really grateful to him even to this day and he loved me when I couldn't love myself and he introduced me to people so when I came out of the hospital I had all these people in AA who'd been praying for me and visiting me and talking to me and I didn't even know who they were and that kept me coming back and so for five years I got involved but I never did the steps you know I never did step two well a little bit half measures you know and I never really did a thorough third step I sure as hell didn't do a fourth and a fifth but I tried to pray and I went to a lot of meetings and I got miserable I had just had total my recovery just I wasn't recovering Physically, I was recovering. On the outside, I looked pretty good. But on the insides, I wasn't dying. And I thought of suicide every day. And I couldn't go to meetings and say that because then you would know how sick I really was and then you'd think I didn't really belong. And what happened for me was after five years, I celebrated my fifth year anniversary. And what happen was I didn' t need the meetings anymore. So I went from making like 14 weeks to 7 to 5 to 4. And within a month, I wasn't making any meetings. And within the month, life goes on and I'm crazy. And I'm even crazier now because I'm not making any meetings. At least I was crazy making meetings, but now I'm really insane. And I went to this women's meeting in Kennebunk. They had a Friday morning Kennebank women's meeting, 10 o'clock in the morning. And they were all the rich mucky-muck smell with the 14 carat diamonds and, you know, the pianos at home. And they probably just drank champagne with their little pinkies up because that was my image. That's what I thought. And when I would go to this meeting, they didn't like me. They never asked me to cheer. They never called on me when my hand was up. Not that I had anything to offer, but you know what I mean? So I was in this rage and this resentment. And I had this situation going on. And I was lying about it, you now? and I went to this meeting and I knew I'd get the reaction that I wanted and I left there mad, even more resentful and I'll show you. I pulled up at this little convenience store and they made wine coolers all of a sudden and I'd never seen those before or I'd ever drank it because I was like J.D. on the rocks with a straw so I go into this little package store with no intentions of drinking or anything and I come out with two little four-packs. And I go up to Skeleton Dam outside of Saco and I proceed to drink those little four packs very fast. Got very drunk really fast and then I thought how I could commit suicide off the dam. And I was like, couldn't believe that I drank after five years. And I Was Lost, I mean AA had been my life for five years and all of a sudden it wasn't anything anymore. I didn't know how to get back because my disease progressed even though I had stopped. It kept going on because I got sicker. So for years, I came in and out of AA trying to get sober. I did whatever I could to get to meetings. If it meant shooting a little dope to get there, I did it. If it met drinking to get here, I didnít. But, you know, I just needed that. I needed something just to sit here. And I hated myself. And that progressed too because I was already crazy, you know, and things got worse. And for years I kept coming in and out, in and out. And I'd get a little bit of time but I couldn't get happy inside. And so I would drink again. And then I'd get more miserable and I'd try, you know, I attempted suicides and I tried the detoxes. The big book says that we reach out to other people when we feel like drinking. I did, you now, so I brought some of you out with me and convinced you that sobriety just didn't work, that AA didn't working, it was always all about you. Never, never about me. in that concept. Just don't pick up the first drink and you won't get drunk. I didn't get that because I never got drunk on the first drank anyways and it took me a long time to figure that out too because I didn' t know that once they put the first drunk into me my body craved the second, you know? My mind obsessed over the second and I just really needed it. So a lot of crazy stuff happens when you're trying to come in and you're talking and you try to get sober and you can't and you feel like a hypocrite, and you feels like everything that you said about AA is a big lie. You feel like everything you said about yourself is a Big Lie. You look in the mirror and you don't like yourself. And what happened to you for me, and I guess it is part of my story, it was that I used to be such a tramp and a whore and all of that when I drank. What happened when I sobered up in my five-year period? what took me out was sex because I couldn't accept my sexuality all of a sudden I was five years sober and discovered I was into women you know, and I hated them but yet, I was attracted to them so that really that took me OUT that was the reason why I went to that women's meeting because I wanted to tell them but I didn't know how to tell him you know I couldn' deal with it And so I lied and told them I was having an affair with a married man because they would believe that. But that was a lie, and it took me out. So for years, I couldn't be who I was. I couldn'T get comfortable with who I Was. I didn't like who I WAS. I didn'T like that type of lifestyle. I didn'T like none of it, you know? So I drank to get rid of it. And if I drank, I could have sex with the guys, and then I'd feel good, but I really didn't feel good. So, you Know, all that. So the sex came into the whole picture too. And today I don't have that issue. I am who I am, and it's not about who I sleep with or anything like that. Today it's about my relationship with God and knowing that I have a God that loves me just as I am. And it doesn't matter what other people think of me. I guess that's the freedom that comes from doing the work. But what happened was coming in now, in now. And then, of course, I would use that too to push you away. Because a lot of people don't like it, you know. So I throw it in your face. And then I have to drink because I did that. So I guess part of my drinking was I drank to feel good, but never felt good. I drank to escape the feelings, but never could because they were always there underneath and alcohol stopped working. So when the alcohol and the drugs stop working and you go to AA and you feel the AA is not working for you you're in a really tough spot or at least I was so I would come in and out and I would get these sponsors because they had all this time and that's when I learned that time really didn't mean anything because it was all about quality and not about the quantity and I had sponsors that I would call and we would talk about everybody else I like that and I had sponsors that I would call and they had more issues than I did and I liked that because I felt like I could give a little bit and help fix them but I never had a sponsor that laid it right on the line so I moved up to the Camden area so I've been here for about 5 years at this time coming in and out of the meetings telling people off right in a meeting, raise my hand, tell you off tell you how to do the program leave, get drunk come in all high and about three years ago I got to that place where the alcohol wasn't working I couldn't stay sober the obsession to drink was always there the obsession to die was always there and I hated myself, I hated my life And yet, you know, on the outside I had a relatively decent job that I really liked. You know, I had a pretty decent place to live. I didn't go without anything, but inside I was going without everything. And I would, you now, I'd been attending this big book meeting up in Camden off and on for years, you kno. I'd go there drunk too. And that's what the guys just wanted to make because they had it, and they wouldn't sponsor me, and I'd leave all pissed off at them. And I couldn't figure out why, you know? It's not like I wanted to sleep with them. I wanted sobriety. But I didn't believe that women in the program could help me. So three years ago, I'm in this place where I'm ready to eat a gun. and I just went up to this lady and you know, we had nothing in common. She was married she had a big house I didn't. She had a nice car I didn t. She w as ditzy. I wasn t but i heard her at meetings you know and she talked about that altruistic love the aa has to offer and it was in the big book and i remember we were at this meeting and that word came up and i didn't know what it meant but she said what it met and i thought oh this woman knows what that word means you know I could have learned it too all I had to do was look in the big book and then find the dictionary but you know I didn't have that concept then and I listened to her at meetings and she talked about this solution and she talks about the steps and she talking about how her life had changed and she talk about where she had been and I could identify with the feelings you know and our stories are so different but yet we both suffer from alcoholism and we both knew about that emptiness inside and she had a solution and I didn't really like her but I was desperate you know now and I'm hearing the message and I know that somehow the message is in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and somehow these people's claims have done the steps and came out to the other side and were living happy productive lives you know I didn' t want a house I didn''t want a car I didn ''t want money I wanted to be happy I wanted that internal freedom and I was at that point desperate couldn't have a relationship with God because I can't even have a relationship with people sometimes how do you have a relationship with god I didn't know it took prayer talking to him and listening I just didn't have a clue but I went up to her and I said you want to be my sponsor I'm dying she's like yep call me in the morning I was like, alright so I went home and I'm going to write my first step because that's what everybody else had me do but you know, I didn't really have to do that I had so many of them already written I figured I'd just give her one that I already had so I call her in the morning she's like, come over and I was Like, okay and I am afraid, right? but I am not going to tell her I am scared because I am tough and so I go over and I get my little first step so I was You want my first tip? She goes, no, I don't care about your first step. She goes we're going to get into the book. And I was like what? So I have my book and we go into her office and we pray. Well she prayed. And we open the book wow what a concept right from the beginning you know preface everything I mean didn't skip a beat. And so we're doing the step number one and I didn't even know it. Here I am, bouncing in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous for 20-something years and I had no clue I was really an alcoholic because I really thought there was something different with me, you know? Because I just couldn't get it and I couldn't stay sober. And it said it right there in the book that my problem lied in my mind. I was different, you know, I thought differently. I reacted differently to alcohol. When I put it in my body, I craved it. Yeah, I understood that and if i wasn't craving it i was obsessing over it i understood that too and usually it was my obsession that fed my craving because i started obsessing first and then i drank and then I was off and running you know I was like it hit me I was really an alcoholic and there might be a solution and at that point I wasn't sure if it really worked for me but I kept going back call her up and make appointments. I wasn't very good, you know. I sponsored people today. I said, call me every day. They do. I don't know why. I never did. But they do. And so my sponsor says, call Me Every Day. I didn't. But I would call and we would meet, you now. And I would go over and we would talk. She didn't care about all that other stuff in the past, you I was a kid about putting me in the book, getting me through the book. And so we did the step two. And then we come to step three. Now I'm coming to believe. I really am because I can see it happening in other people. And I'm beginning to get a little softer inside, but I didn't want to tell anybody that. And I was like, wow. I had a little hope where I didn'T have any. And I thought, maybe this deal will work for me. And so We did the third-step prayer on our knees. I'm gay, but it's the queerest thing I ever did. so intimate you know i mean on our knees holding hands reciting this prayer and i'm asking god to come into my life you know and not just am i asking him i'm giving it to him you know i am willing now relieve me of the bondage itself whoa what a powerful little statement huh so I was like wow after the prayer she's like now we're going to do the fourth and I'm thinking what I didn't want to do the fourth you know I wanted to rest on the third and she says no she goes you know the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous will not keep you sober the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anecdotes will help you develop a relationship with God and that power will keep you sober. And I really wanted to stay sober and I really wanted to get happy but I am so self-will run riot and so set in old ideas and I started to do the writing and then I hit some pain because in the writing is a lot of truth and uh i took the easiest off the way out i burnt the inventory i got into narcotics to ease the pain without drinking and that did not work and that Did not last very long and that took me to a new level of a bottom where i just like went right back to the writing and i wrote and i went back in my life And I wasn't the victim anymore Because that fourth column changes all that It's about where was I selfish and self-seeking Where was I afraid All of that And when I looked at it I just saw the person that I used to be But I knew I didn't have to remain that person anymore And my sponsor told me that She says now we give it to God We share it in the fifth step and it's been years since I drank but my sobriety date is June of last year because it was right here in this room on Saturday my sponsor and I left here and we drove around and I started my fifth step and that's when my sobriety began and that's when I choose my sobriety really because we left here and driving around on reading my inventory and I don't know if it's like this with everybody but there's there was really two things I was going to my grave with I hear that all the time two things but there really was just these two and it's not because I was different and it's not because I wanted to be different. But I knew if I did not share those two things, when I got out of the car that first time I started reading my inventory I would never share it. And I knew if I didn't share it I would drink again. Because they were the secrets, you know? And I knew that if I didn't sharing it, I would drank. But not only would I drank, I'd truly really die. And there was no question in my mind because I'd started on the journey, and I started to feel the presence of God and I shared these two things with her and I had all this judgment on myself all this hate all wrapped up in the ninth step because I don't know how I can ever possibly make amends for these things but I pray for the willingness today that one day I'll be able to regardless of any of the consequences but what happened for me was we drove down into the parking lot and she just had her baby, you know. I think Quincy was like one at a time. And my sponsor says, can you carry her up the hill? Means nothing to you, but let me tell you. It meant everything to me. And I carried her up the hill. Almost up the Hill I could have breathed. You know what I mean? It's supposed to be much. So give her back to her, and I'm a basket case. I come back here, and I am like a basket case, and I was crying, and I have a I am wide open in front of the wall. It was an awesome weekend, you know? So Sunday, I go over, and I read my inventory. Monday, I go home, and I go over, I read my inventory, because now two things are done, you know, the rest is like tip, nothing. Do this. And I finished my inventory at the end of June, before the 4th of July, Independence Day. And it was 1.35 in the morning. And I'm driving home and I knew I had changed. I was different. I was free. And I get home and put my big book up on the shelf because that's what it says. I didn't dare not to. and I take it down and I go over the first five proposals and there was absolutely nothing that I hadn't shared and I do my little defects of character I didn't have that many at that point and I do me a little seven step prayer and I don't sleep good but I went home and I crashed I slept all night until the next morning, like 6 or 7 o'clock. That was a lot of sleep for me. I felt good. So then I drive back to my sponsor's house, you know. I got my little Alyssa character defects that she helped enlarge. And I'm willing, you now. I've asked God to take them away. And then I do my eighth step, you kno. Got these index cards, a lot on them, tons on them. And I started to do the amends. It was hard, you know, I'm still in the middle of amends and the most powerful one so far really has been my dad because it's been about forgiveness and it hasn't been about him anymore and I've hated him all my life and stuff and my brother died in the war and the whole family got together and I always felt left out but I went down because that's what a daughter does, you know. That's what my sponsor says. Just be the daughter that God wants you to be. Forget who he is as a father. So I go down and I make an appointment with him and I go and I'm making my amends to him. It's not about what he's done to me now. And for the first time I knew he was a broken man. You know, he suffered from alcoholism. He's no more... I was no more a victim to him than he was to his disease. and I make direct amends just on my part and I didn't say geez dad you did this to me but it says in the book when we make amends we ask him what we can do to write it and once we ask them and they tell us I have an obligation to do that and he said come down visit me when you're here so what I've done is I've called him once a month since then and if I've been down I've gone by and I've seen them We don't have a father-daughter relationship But I'm not the victim anymore And it's opened doors for me to have a relationship With the rest of my family And I've made amends to the rest Of all of them, you know And I continue to do that And then last Saturday You know, I'm on the phone I got this guy on the throne And I owe him amends I know what my amends are Because I owe them,you know He's telling me, no, you don't owe me amends Yeah, I do He's like, no you don't. I was like, listen dude, I owe you amends. I have to do this to be free. I don't want to drink again, you know? I said, so we need to meet. He's Like, alright, so next Saturday we're going to have lunch and I'm going to make my amends and I don' t care what he thinks, you kno, because it's all about me. And we're free. And then, you kow, we talk about the tenth step, you now, and that's an inventory. Today, I don''t have to dp another fourth step because I take care of it in the 10th step. I'm looking at my part. Am I still angry? Yeah, I'm still angry. I've been angry for 30-something years, you know. It's going to take a little while to get away. But I bring God into the picture now. I don't react as much as I used to. Oh, Janice is here, so... Is that Janice? Now I'm supposed to shut up, right? Because that's what Denise said. But we are on the 10ths step, and I do that and I write and I have a journal and I go to the cemetery in Rockland that's where I get my peace my dog runs and I'm right it's the only place he'll come back so I write and I look at my pot am I prompt to share it with somebody not always am I willing yes do I pray more for guidance yes do I take God into my life every day I try and I know when I don't have God because life becomes hectic and it comes crazy and I react a little bit more and it seems like I'm always in a constant state of PMS all of that but what's happened is the obsession to drink has been removed I have not thought about having a drink since the day I finished my fifth step. And that's what the book promises. That's what the steps promise. And today, I look in the mirror and I like who I see. Even when I dye my hair the wrong color and it doesn't come out right. You know? I am okay with me. I have friends in my life today that are my real friends. I just left a job in nine years, which was really difficult for me to do uh but i left and i got another job even better maybe because it's got better benefits i'm working with young kids now you know 7 to 13 and i've lived the story that they're living now i have a solution to the story that they live in now so i can make a difference you know and uh and i like it and i just started i might not like it later but right now i like it and that's growth because i came from a place where i was very comfortable and i could do my job in my sleep and i was really good at it and my clients loved and adored me and uh i loved and adore them too so but it's not always about being comfortable it's about growing and that what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me it's allowed me to grow and I turned 40 quit my job, turned 40 I don't know midlife crisis maybe or something but you know, I'm okay and I know and the funny thing is I sponsor these girls and I'm like either God is or he isn't you know so what happens so what happens like now I'm stressing because I quit my Job and when you quit your Job You can't always collect unemployment until you find one. But all of a sudden, I got unemployment. I won. I don't know how. Then I got job offers. That was cool. And I went interviewing. And my girls that I sponsored were like, either God is or isn't. Do you believe? And it's like everything that I've told them, they tell me. And they're all in their inventories right now, different stages of it. And I come into my house and one of the girls is writing. and they're crying and they were in pain and I'm like, yes! And they're like looking at me and I was like, keep doing it. You know, do the deal. And then you know you sponsor a few people and they don't get it and they go out and you take it a little personally but it's not that you take them personally it's like you don't have to go out there's a solution you know and it's right here in Alcoholics Anonymous. So coming to so I pray and I do my 10th step and the 12th step says that we carry the message. It isn't just coming up here and carrying a message. It's extending your hand at a conference to the newcomer in the room. It's about making your house available to a newcomer who needs something or to somebody who's been around for a long time and doesn't have the solution because there are people dying in the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous with a lot of time but they have no solution and I know that because I've been sponsored by them, I've lived with some of them I've done one of them and it was about asking God every day what I can do to help somebody else so they said get involved I'm involved in my district I go into the jails well they don't let us in our jails anymore but if I could I'd be there but I go to the prisons I go in to the detoxes I join committees like Tanglewood I didn't really join it, they sucked me into it and I was loving service events for two years and when they gave it to me I was filled with hate and revenge. And I learned to love the committee that I worked with. And I learn to communicate with the people without arguing, while we argue sometimes. And they get all pissy because I'm a counter of money. I'm obsessed with counting money when we're making it. A little character defect. But I learned to love these people. Today, you know I have a relationship am I always good at it no she'll tell you that's why I can't get up here and lie Brian told me I couldn't get up here or lie because it all come back to me but you know I try and I try to bring God into it you know and I pray and I'm just trying to be the person that God wants me to be and I don't know who that person is but I know it isn't the person that I used to be and I know that I am so grateful for the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and my sponsor because she gave me the solution and she gavemeethe truth and even though I looked up she was not afraid to humble me you know she wasn't afraid to give me the truth even if she knew I wouldn't call her she still gave methe truth and she made me accountable and that is a gift that I can never repay because I owe my life to AlcoholicsAnonymous but I owemylife to the 12 steps because it's given me that relationship with God that lets me stand up here, I guess. And I am grateful, and I hope you guys enjoy this weekend because it is awesome, and we will be back next year. Thank you. Thank you very much.