Dr. S. and the Obsession of the Mind – Eric H.

Thank you. Thank you. You know, when Tracy asked me to come to this thing last year, you know, it's usually about a year out or whatever, six months, whatever it is, but he asked me to come to this thing and, you know, it always sounds like a good idea at the time, you know what I mean? And then you get here and you're here at about 8.30 this morning. I'm here at about 8.30. This is your live mic. Oh. I'm here at about 8.30 and all I want to do is puke, you know, and that's the way it always is with me. And then you get up here and you get going and you start to feel good and you start to get comfortable. But that's just. That's just the way, you know, it always seems for me and I just always, I don't know why I do this. Like, you know, I know why I do this, but, you know, I just, you always get yourself through these things. But, you know, an old-timer who was my sponsor's sponsor, his name was Bob Dobson. Bob passed away in 2004. And he always said when you get up to a podium of Alcoholics Anonymous, you do three things. You be yourself. You try your best. And you practice the presence of God. And that's exactly what I try to do when I get up and give a message of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm going to try and do that again today. My name is Eric and I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 12, 1993. I'm a member of the Three Legacy Group in Barrie, Ontario, about an hour north of Toronto. We meet Mondays and Thursdays. Mondays for a closed discussion meeting. Thursdays for an open speaker meeting. If you're ever in the Toronto area, the GTA, come see us up at the Three Legacy Group. It's a vibrant group of Alcoholics Anonymous. We started that group, about three or four of us, about seven or eight years ago. And it's growing into about 120 out to our open meetings on Thursday nights. And about 60 to 80 people at our closed meetings on Monday nights. It's a solution-based group. We believe in the Three Legacies. We are involved in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the practical program of action that's outlined in that book. We believe in that book. We believe that's all designed for a living that really works. We also believe in service. We believe in getting out and being of service in your group, being of service in district, intergroup area. We believe in all that stuff. We believe in fellowship. We just had a spaghetti dinner last weekend. Had about 200 people. We had about 200 people out to us. Great, great night. The group put everything on, the food and everything like that. It was a real team effort. So it's a solution-based meeting. When you walk down the stairs at the Three Legacy Group, you will get a nice handshake by about three or four people on each side. We'll send you out to get a terrible cup of coffee. You know what I mean? And then we'll put on a good meeting and it's a solution-based meeting. So if you're ever up in that area, because I'm a real big believer, I believe, and I'm sure a lot of you believe this too, it all starts at the home group. You know, it all starts, the fellowship we crave, and it all starts at the enthusiasm of the home group of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm a big believer that if that group is active and it's an enthusiastic group, we will attract newcomers and they'll want to be part of it. If it feels like a graveyard, nobody's going to want to be part of that. You know? So we just believe in that and that's what we do and we try to do the best of our ability to do that on a weekly basis. I sponsor a lot of guys. I take them through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm involved in service. I'm the DCM, just the outgoing DCM of District 8 in Area 86. And so I'm an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Probably not, I was just talking to my buddy Joe, and probably this last year or so, it's been... You know, for 23 years I had an incredible enthusiasm for AA and that slipped off a little bit and I don't know why. I've been trying to figure that out a little bit. But I've always done one thing. I've gone to my home group, I've sponsored guys, and I get active in Alcoholics Anonymous. So, I try not to take myself all that seriously in AA. I can remember about four or five years ago, I was at a meeting, I was doing a medallion or something, there was a guy sitting in the front row, sort of looked like that guy in the blue shirt right there. And about five minutes into my talk, he started to snore a little bit, eh? Oh yeah, it got me off my game. You know, who was this, where was that, all that kind of stuff. Fifteen minutes into my talk, he's got a honker going, eh? And it's just... This is the worst AA talk I've ever given. All I want to do is go home. Thirty minutes into my talk, he's got a red Flintstone snore going, and it is driving me up the wall. Finally, I said to the guy beside him, I said, Could you wake that fella up? Some guy yells from the back, you wake him up, you put him to sleep. So, I don't take myself all that seriously in AA. I can remember, I was at the area assembly one time, and I saw a guy was making a beeline towards me, and he comes up and he says, Eric, you give a... And AAs are great, eh? Like, they just tell you the truth. And he comes up and he says, Eric, you know, I gotta tell you, I love your talk. I love your talk, it was great. Great presentation, but not a lot of substance. Okay. So there we are. You ever see that? You know, AAs are amazing. They just, they tell you the truth, you know? They don't care what your feelings are. They don't know that I'm a sensitive alcoholic. You know? Nobody takes, my sponsor's never taken that into consideration. Keeping in the words of Dr. Bob, keep the Freudian complex of the scientific mind, AA's values of simplicity must prevail. And they do. They do in AA. I was down in Cleveland, Ohio, when I was a year and a half old, when I was a year and a half sober, there was a man down there called Jack Sullivan. And Jack was a good old boy from Louisville, Kentucky. And he had a friend of his named Wino Joel from Tyler, Texas. And I don't know, has anybody ever read those 20 questions that say, you're an alcoholic, you're an alcoholic? Well, they were written by a psychologist at a John Hopkins University. And Jack and Joe used to get a little pissed off that a professional man would be calling an alcoholic an alcoholic. So they decided to write a few of their own questions. Yeah, they did. And one of them was, have you ever had the roof of your mouth sunburned? Have you ever been arrested while in jail? Have you ever been hit by your own car while driving? And probably the granddaddy of them all, have you mastered the art of the puking out of a moving vehicle? Without even coming back at you? And as you look around the rooms of AA, people are going, yeah, yeah. If that makes a lot of sense to you, folks, you are in the right place. This is welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. This is where you belong, you know? It's where you belong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you ever see those people that try to figure AA out? Oh, yeah, the smart ones, the intellectuals, they call them. You know? They want to figure AA out. They want to know every meaning to every dictionary meaning to every word in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know? I've never met anybody too dumb for AA, but I've met a lot of people that are too smart for AA. Do you guys realize we read the same things every meeting? . If you, I've always thought if you were to bring an earth person from outside and bring them into the room, bring them outside and bring them into an AA meeting, and sit them in an AA meeting for 14 days straight, reading the same thing over and over and over again, at the end of that 14 days they'd look at you and go, are you stupid? Do you not get this? And then they start asking a whole bunch of questions, you know? You ever see that? People that aren't in AA or newcomers, they want to know everything there is to know about AA. Well the first thing we think is incredibly important in AA, if you come here, you don't have to do this, but we feel it's very important. You gotta quit drinking. . Do you ever hear those people say, well I came into AA to learn how to social drink. If you're new to AA, I'm telling you, we don't teach you, we have no idea how to social drink, I never wanted to be a social drinker, I'll never want to be a social drinker. We have no business trying to teach people how to social drink. We're not in that business. We believe in complete abstinence, because we believe you can't drink and recover at the same time. Make sense? And then what they do is they want you to get active in AA. You know what I mean? So they take the most socially inept people, . And they stick them at the door to shake hands. Number one job in AA. And then, just as you're starting to feel real comfortable in that job, they throw you out of there. And they put you on chair detail. . And just about two or three weeks, you've got the place looking like a million bucks, the way the chairs are set up and everything like that. They throw you out of there. And they put you on kitchen detail. And then just as you're making like cappuccinos and farpuccinos and all, you're doing real good stuff, they throw you out of there. And then what they want you to do is they want you to do these things called the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Well, how do you do that? You get yourself a sponsor. Well, what's a sponsor do? Well, a sponsor sort of guides you in your new way of life. You know? He teaches you how to shake hands properly. You know? . And then once you've mastered that, he teaches you how to set up chairs properly. Because the old timers don't like them on angles. They like them straight up. You throw an old timer off with a chair the wrong way, he'll know it. . And then as you've mastered that, they take you to the kitchen. They teach you to count. Because you can't put nine scoops of coffee in the coffee machine. . You've got to put ten. And then after that, what they do is they get you to do these 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. What's your sponsor like? Great guy! Great guy! Been in jail 12 times. Been in the nuthouse 6 times. Been divorced 4 times. And he's my sponsor and I listen to everything he says. . Alcoholics Anonymous is crazy! . Did you ever notice like when we came in here today, everybody's talking, nobody's listening? . You see that? They just say they're talking, everybody's important. When they say in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that the root of our illness is selfishness and self-centeredness, they're not kidding. . And for some reason, and this will never make sense, either you believe what's in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or you don't. . The beautiful thing about the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, there's nothing in there that's confrontational. . It says our experience is. . We suggest. . You might be able to drink like normal people, we don't know. . But this has been our experience. . We're not telling you what to do. . We're not telling you what to do. . And that says in there there's a few simple rules that we must follow. . But for some reason, and this will never make sense to a guy that if I believe the root of my illness is selfishness and self-centeredness. . For some reason, when I put God first, other people second, and me third, and I'm not constantly trying to run around and satisfy my own instant desires. . For some reason, I lead a good life. . And I live a good life. . And if I miss that one day at a time, my life will continue to change for the better. . Has anybody ever told you you drink too much? . If you're an alcoholic of my type, you've never drank too much in your life. . My problem is, is I can't drink enough. . And if you can't drink enough, you'll never drink too much. . Now the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about the different kinds of drinkers. . Talks about social drinkers. . Talks about hard drinkers. . Talks about the real alcoholic. . You ever been out with social drinkers? . Huh. Isn't that a blast, eh? . There'll be like six of them sitting around a table. . And the waitress will come to them and say, would you like another one? . And they'll say something like this, no thank you, I'm starting to feel it. . Hmm. . That's alcohol abuse. . . . I'm starting to feel it. . Isn't that when you just put it into overdrive? . But there's one thing I've come to understand since being here in Alcoholics Anonymous. . There's one thing I've come to, or a few things I've come to understand about social drinkers. . Social drinkers don't have a terrible self-image of who they are. . Social drinkers do not loathe themselves. . Social drinkers are not full of fear. . Social drinkers' environments do not scare them to death. . Social drinkers are not ill at ease all the time. . Social drinkers are not full of shame, guilt, and remorse. . Social drinkers are not restless, irritable, and discontent. . . And when they have a couple drinks of alcohol, and as their world starts to change and their perception starts to change, they stop. . Why? . Because they're quite happy with who they are and the environment that they're in. . They don't have the phenomenon of craving. . They don't have the allergy of the body. . They don't have the mental obsession. . They don't have the spiritual malady. . I'm an alcoholic. . I have a terrible self-image of who I am. . My environment when I am not drinking scares me to death. . I'm not here all the time. . I am ill at ease all the time. . I'm full of shame, guilt, and remorse of the stuff that I've done in the past. . I am restless, irritable, and discontent. . And when a guy like me takes a couple drinks of alcohol, my whole world changes. . I'm able to go up to people. . I'm able to be at a wedding and feel comfortable after a couple drinks. . I'm not sweating my palms. . I'm not ill at ease. . I can comfortably do anything. . I don't make any kind of body day out of day sitting around anтора, Write This by DanTea andケ wzgl me . Nicole wrong Why did I go paperfarist acting like Ralph真的 Iggrés while I haven't done something complicated or anything new when I've been little kid. . but used to baffle me. When I have eight or nine drinks of alcohol, financial insecurity just goes out the door. I don't even think about it anymore. And when I have nine or ten drinks of alcohol, I know that alcohol is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled. If alcohol does that for you, you are going to drink. Because alcohol has always been the solution to my alcoholism. Always been the solution to my alcoholism. That's why when we go on these little tears, when we say, you know what, I'm going to quit drinking for a week, two weeks, three weeks, four weeks, five weeks, we do pretty well in that time. But my brain is going 80 different directions looking for a stop sign, and I have no solution for my alcoholism, so what do I do? I drink because it gives me relief. And until I was defined, something to substitute alcohol for my alcoholism, I was always going to go back to the one thing that at least gave me the illusion that everything's okay. That's what alcohol does for a guy like me that it doesn't do for a hard drinker or it doesn't do for a social drinker. And until I find a solution that's as good as alcohol, and the only thing, because I tried everything, and I'm sure you people in this room have tried everything in the world to stop drinking. And it wasn't until we came here and through the practical program of action that's outlined in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and its 12 steps, our lives changed because we finally found a substitute for alcohol that gave us a solution for our alcoholism. I came to my first meeting, on July 11, 1993, and I did not come here to get sober. I'm going to talk a little bit how I believe that God speaks through people in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I got to tell you guys, I need some water or something. I know you're not allowed to have anything in this sanctuary, but is there any way I could just get a little bit of water? Sorry, I just, yeah, I just... It's going a little dry, Joe. Thank you so much. I'd like to have two, you know, that's just... That's just the way I roll, you know what I mean? So, I came to this, July 11, 1993, I came to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And as I just said, is that I believe that God speaks through people in the rooms of AA. I believe a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, an hour in a row, and a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous can change somebody's life like this. My brother Paul was four and a half years sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, and a friend of his named Margaret was getting a one-year medallion at the Baby Group in Toronto. And for some reason, Paul really wanted me to go to that meeting that night. Paul had never, ever discussed Alcoholics Anonymous with me. And I was coming off about a three-week bender. And I was doing all those things, alcoholics do when they withdraw from alcohol. I was shaking, I was sweating, I was hearing things, I was seeing things. But he kept after me that whole day. He said, Eric, I'd really, because I'd started to get to know Margaret a little bit. And Margaret was in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous for years. And she was finally getting this one-year medallion. Isn't it funny? The worst thing I thought I could have done to myself was come to AA. Turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Isn't that weird? And that always takes me back to step one, because powerless over alcohol, yeah, I knew that. I didn't know I was powerless until I came here, but I knew I was struggling. I really believe that most people get drunk over the second half of the first step because they still continue to try to manage their lives. And as long as we try to continue to manage our lives, we will probably always go back to the drink. And I ended up going to this meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous against everything. And I said, I'm going to go to AA. I'm going to go to AA. I'm going to go to AA. I'm going to go to every fiber in my body. And I ended up going to the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that night. And the Bayview group was about 200 people at its open meetings on Sunday nights. It was a huge group. And there's two things that happened to me that night. And if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, I pray. I pray that this happens to you too. The first thing that happened, when I walked through the doors at the Bayview group that night, there were three people on each side of that door saying, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous, we're glad to see you. And I don't know about you, but nobody was glad to see me for an awful long time. So when those people finally said, they said, you know what, we're happy to see you. For the first time in a long time, there was a little bit of hope. The second thing that happened to me that night, I saw people running around that room, just like today, that were excited about being sober. And I don't know about you, but I was never excited about being sober. Because alcohol had always been the solution to my alcoholism. I could not imagine a life without drinking. It's impossible. Who would ever want to do something that crazy? You see, people don't know what alcohol does for a guy like me. Yeah, it's causing me trouble. There's no question. It is causing me trouble. But what? What it does for me outweighs the consequences right now. And I can't imagine a life without drinking. As a matter of fact, I thought I panicked a little bit by going to that meeting that night. And at Bayview Group or in Toronto, what they do for medallions is they have a one-year medallion. And what they do is the person that's getting the medallion gets to pick all the people that say nice stuff. And so she has everybody out there saying, they're lying half the time, eh? You know what I mean, eh? And they're saying nice stuff about Margaret and all that, the steps, the traditions, yesterday, today, tomorrow slogans. And then her sponsor comes up, says a bunch of nice things about Margaret. Margaret gets her one-year medallion. Then Margaret says a few things and all that. And, you know, it's a lovely production. It's very nice. And they give them a cake at the end. I've always thought about it. Doug says that too. Doug Rowell says that, you know, the reward for a year's sobriety, at the end, some cake. And then the secretary gets up that night. You've got to understand, my whole family cookies right there. It's like my brother Scott, my mom's there, brother Scott's there, a friend of my brother Scott's is there, and I'm sitting right there. And Marlene does all the things, and she gives the announcements. And then we have chips in Toronto. I don't know if you guys have them here. For certain amounts of period of sobriety under a year, like nine months, six months, three months, one month, it's a lot of sobriety. It's a lot of sobriety. It's a lot of sobriety. It's a lot of sobriety. It's a lot of sobriety. It's a lot of sobriety. It's a lot of sobriety. And Marlene's giving out the chips, and she says, is there anybody here with nine months of sobriety, anybody here with six months, three months, one month? Then it got down to that desire chip. And she said, is there anybody here that has a desire to stop drinking? My whole family looked down at me. I didn't want to do anything about my drinking, because if you're anything like me, alcohol is a solution to my alcoholism. I can't imagine a life without drinking. I mean, who could, you don't know what this stuff does for me. I don't know about you, but alcohol is my best friend and my lover, and I can't imagine a life without it. And then a lady got up to speak that night, and here was the kicker. And her name was Terry. And Terry was a counselor at the Renaissance Center in Toronto, which is a 12-step-based program. And she didn't have a lot of time that night. But Terry did not talk a lot about her drinking that night. What she talked about is how she felt when she wasn't drinking. And she got me. Nobody had ever described the kind of person I was when I wasn't drinking. Everybody always focused on alcohol. They didn't focus on alcoholism. They didn't focus on alcoholism. And she got up and talked about self-loathing, self-image. She talked about fear. She talked about being ill at ease. She talked about people scaring her to death. And I'm going, that's me. And she's talking about this when she's sober. And I'm saying, that's me. And she's talking about shame, guilt, and remorse. And I'm going, that's me. And then she talked about being restless, irritable, and discontent. And I said, that's me. And then she said, when I take a couple drinks of alcohol, my world changes. And I said, that's me. And about halfway through that meeting that night, well, I should just talk about that. She says, my only problem, is I'm alcoholic. And once I start drinking, I can't stop. And I said, that's me. That's me to a T. This is a lady describing me to a T. I've had a brother in the program for four and a half years. And about halfway through that meeting that night, I started to catch just a tiny bit of alcoholism. Not much. Just a little bit. And when that meeting was over that night, I was a full-blown alcoholic with the disease of alcoholism and folks, I haven't had a drink since. The power in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. It says in our book, armed with the facts about ourselves, not necessarily AA, we can generally win the comps of another alcoholic over within a few hours, where people have been trying, for years and years and years. And that's exactly what happened to me that night. You see, folks, I believe this with all my might. Something happened to me that night spiritually. Some kind of spiritual experience, some kind of spiritual awakening, some kind of psychic change. Now, I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, folks. It takes me a little while, to figure stuff out. And I didn't realize, until about two years later, that something happened to me that night. As a matter of fact, the people I hung around with before I came into AA, they weren't all that sharp either. No, no. We'd say, look at the dead bird. We'd all look up. Naughty. And I went up to a friend of my brother's after that meeting. His name was Eldon. And I said, Eldon, I think I have a problem with booze, and I want to do something about it. And he said, you know, you're going to have to quit all that other stuff too. And I said, I know I'm going to have to do that. You see, that night, folks, I saw myself the way my mom saw me. I saw myself the way my dad saw me. I saw myself the way my brother saw me. I saw myself the way my friend saw me. But the whole key to that night is I saw myself that way. And I knew I was going to be okay. Isn't it funny? I knew that night I was home. I just knew it. So something happened to me that night. Folks, I don't talk a lot about my drinking, because most of the stuff I remember never happened. But I'll tell you a little bit about my drinking. Here's a story that describes my drinking to a teen. It's about an alcoholic. He's walking on a beach one day, and he's all hammered up walking on the beach. And he kicks in the sand, and he kicks a bottle. And he picks up the bottle, opens up the cork, and out comes a nine-foot genie. And the genie says, I'm here to give you three wishes of anything you'd like. Well, what do you think the alcoholic asked for? He says, I'll have an everlasting bottle of whiskey. Bang, there it is. Puts it up to his mouth for 15 seconds, puts it down, it fills right back up to the top. You know the way we are. We don't trust all that much, eh? He says, I'm going to haul in this sucker for 30 seconds. Hauls on that sucker for 30 seconds, puts it down, fills right back up to the top. He says, okay, I'm going to haul in this baby for one minute. Hauls on the baby for one minute, puts it down, fills right back up to the top again. The genie goes, do you believe me now? And the alcoholic goes, yeah, I believe you. And the genie goes, you got two more wishes. And without a beat, the alcoholic said, I'll have two more of these. That's the way I drank. It was never, ever enough, you know? If you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, I pray, I pray that you find out what your problem is. Isn't it funny? I was always in here for four and a half years, four and a half years in Alcoholics Anonymous. And do you know what my idea of an alcoholic was? Some guy sitting down at Young and Dundas in downtown Toronto with a long coat, with a long beard, with a hat, with long hair, with a jug of juice and a paper bag. That was my idea of an alcoholic. Where do we get those ideas of the alcoholic? Most likely from the non-alcoholic. . . There's still people out there that believe that's what we are. Thank God for the doctor's opinion. Thank God for the first 52 pages in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which simply describe two things. What happens to Derek when he drinks, and what happens to Derek when he doesn't drink. And you want to know the funny thing about that book? They repeat the same thing over and over and over again. Do you know why they do that? Because they know who they're talking to. . . They know who they're talking to. I had no idea that one out of every ten people that pick up a drink of alcohol develop this thing called the allergy of the body and the phenomenon of craving. Once I start drinking, I can't stop. And that had been proven to me over and over and over again. The only two times I ever stopped drinking is if there was no booze left or if there was no money left. That's it. That's it. And then my other problem, and you guys know, because I'd try it for two weeks, three weeks, four weeks, six weeks, I'd try to quit drinking. And as I told you earlier on, every time I tried to do that, my brain would be going 80 different directions looking for a stop sign. Stop here, stop there, stop there. And Dr. Silkworth called that the obsession of the mind. It's like a big fat idea that outweighs every other idea. Until I say something like this, which I'm sure none of you spiritual giants here in Illinois have ever said, this time it's going to be different. And I lived by that. This time it's going to be different. And it never ever was. Because my problem is once I stop drinking, I get worse because I have no solution for my alcoholism. Except every once in a while, some non-habit forming marijuana. That'll do it. The problem with that is once in a while you can't find your dealer and then you're back to the one thing you really love to do and that's drink. And then they talk about the third part of this illness, the spiritual malady. And I've never heard it described better than the late Bob Balfanz. Dr. Silkworth. The late Bob Dobson. He said alcoholism is a soul sickness. Gang green of the soul. And once we straighten out spiritually, we will straighten out physically, we will straighten out mentally, we will straighten out emotionally. And that's been my experience here in AA. My first sponsor, Jerry, said, Eric. Dr. Silkworth. It's the first drink that gets you drunk. I said, Jerry, you're a bad drinker. First drink that gets you drunk. Are you kidding me? But I'm going to tell you a couple stories of the first drink. We were members of the Bayview Country Club. The country club, I don't think I'm a high fluting alcoholic or anything like that. But we were members. As a kid, I was a member. My parents were members of the Bayview Golf and Country Club. And the country club is an alcoholic's paradise, eh? Oh yeah. They give you whatever you want. They don't care how old you are. And you sign it to a chit. So you put your number, still remember the number, H920. Eric Housen. And do you know what the beautiful thing about it is? Your dad gets the bill at the end of the month. Oh. It's an alcoholic's paradise. And so I'm 16 years old. Sixteen. I want to focus on 16. Monday night, school night. Well the club is about a 15 minute walk from my home, eh? So I decide I'm going to stroll down there by myself at 16. I'm going to have a little dinner. I'm going to have a few drinks. You know, just a couple. I'm going to play a little cards in the card room. I'm going to watch some NFL football. I'm going to play a little football. And I'll stroll home. Sixteen years old, folks. If somebody had to come up to me at that time and said, Eric, I believe you are in the early stages of alcoholism. Do you know what I would have said to them? Yeah, but I'm having fun. And as long as an alcoholic's having fun, they will never quit drinking. As a matter of fact. If we are having fun, even if we think we are going to have fun, we will never quit drinking. And so I'd go over there, I'd have a nice steak dinner. I'd have a wine. I'd never liked wine. I don't know why I'd have it. It just seemed the right thing to do down there. I'd have B52s, Ryan Cokes, a couple of beers, Carlsberg or whatever. And then I'd stroll home at about 11 o'clock or whatever, walk home. Well, my parents were separated at this time. And on the fifth or sixth of every month, my dad would get this bill in the mail. I don't think it came through Canada Post. I think it had to be delivered by Pure or later. It would have been way too big, you know, just too many chits. And he'd give me a call. And he'd say, Eric, you can't keep doing this to me. This is costing me way too much money. And you know what I'd say to my dad? I'd say, Dad, I promise I'll never do that again. And folks, I meant that from the bottom of my heart. I didn't want to do that kind of stuff to my parents. My parents are probably two of the most unselfish people I've ever met in my life. And I just didn't want to do that kind of stuff to my parents. But alcohol is cunning. It's baffling and powerful. Two months later, I would start thinking to myself, and I'm sure you guys have heard this before, but the worst thing an alcoholic can do by himself or herself is think to themselves. You know it's not going to be a good answer. You know it's not. And I'd start thinking to myself, and I'd say something like this. This is the answer I'd give myself. I'd say, Dad, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My dad would say, Dad, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He didn't mean stop going there forever. He meant let things cool off. Let the bank account build up a little bit again. And I'd rationalize it. And I'd justify it just to the way I wanted to see it. Two months later, I went to Baby Country Club for one drink. I left Baby Country Club about 8 hours later so drunk, so disgustingly drunk, and I'm quite happy. I made an ass of myself and I made an ass of my family and I didn't want to do that. That's what one drink of alcohol does to a guy like me. I'm coaching AAA hockey and very, very competitive level hockey in Toronto. I take over an Ontario championship hockey team. We're 11-1 in November and I get called into the president's office. His name's Dave McDonald. He says, Eric, there are people that are all over me about your drinking. He says, I think I got to let you go, but alcoholics are good conners. We can con our way just about, talk our way out about it. And I ended up talking him into letting me stay. He said, okay, Eric, you can stay under two conditions. First condition is you must seek professional help. No problem, Dave. No intention of seeking professional help. And I'm not joking when I say this. I thought Dave should seek professional help for asking me to seek professional help. And the second thing, and this is the kicker. He says you can't drink in Double Rink Arena's bar. He's not even asking me to quit drinking. That's, I know, that's great. Do you guys know how big Toronto is? About 5 million people. All he's asking me to do. Is stay at a one bar in Toronto. Two weeks later. I'd start thinking to myself again. Did I tell you guys the worst thing an alcoholic can do is sit with an agent? And I'd say something like this. I wonder what he really meant by that. He didn't mean stop going there. He let things cool off. And I'd rationalize it. And I'd justify it just to the way I wanted to see it. We had a game at Double Rink Arena's at 11.30 on a Saturday morning. I was in Double Rink Arena's bar at 1 o'clock that day for one drink. I left Double Rink Arena's bar at about 7 or 8 o'clock that night so drunk, so disgustingly drunk I made an ass of myself. And I didn't want to do that. That's what one drink of alcohol does to a guy like me. If you're new to alcohol, you're not alcoholics anonymous. And you build up a bright outlook upon you and your family. And you continue to tear that down on a senseless number of sprees. And you fail to recognize without sufficient force the pain and humiliation of a day, a week, or a month ago. And you continue to do that over and over and over again. And you're not alcoholic. What are you? What are you? You would do well to contract this illness. This is the only illness in the world. And I beg of you to listen to what I'm saying. This is the only illness of the world that if you catch it and you do something about it, you get better. If you don't, you die an inch a day, year after year after year after year. Alcoholism is the loneliest disease around. It takes away your family, the ones you love, your job, friends, until you're sitting in your basement by yourself. It doesn't care how much money you have. It doesn't care what religion you are. It doesn't care what color you are. It sucks you out, eats you up, and spits you out. That's what else. You cannot beat alcoholism. You cannot beat the bottle. And it took me a long time to figure that out. You know? There are people that are sitting in hospitals right now in Chicago that are dying of cancer, that are dying of different things. And if you went to them with a book and you said, if you read this book, this will save your life, what do you think those people would do? They would jump out of bed for another day on this earth. Do you know what alcoholics are saying? I'll think about it. I'll think about it. And this thing is killing so many more people. It just doesn't get put down to that. But that's the reality of it. After that meeting at the baby group that night, my brother said to me, he said, Eric, I want you to, I don't want you to pick a home group. I don't want you to pick a sponsor. I'm going to take you to 30 meetings in 30 days, and that's exactly what Paul did. When you talk about this problem, when you talk about this program being attraction rather than promotion, I watched my brother for four and a half years turn his life around 180 degrees. I saw him gain the respect of my parents back, his friends back, my brother's back, his employer back. I saw that, I saw Alcoholics Anonymous action right in front of me on a daily basis. And after that group, after that 30 days, I ended up picking the baby group of Alcoholics Anonymous to be my home group. I ended up picking a guy named Jerry C. to be my sponsor. I thought he was an Italian gangster. He turned out just to be Italian, which was a little disappointing. I thought cement boots and stuff like that he was, you know. And I can remember, you know, Jerry was the greatest because Jerry was a guy that he was, he made me obedient. He got me involved in service. I can remember two weeks into my baby group had a, had what they called a responsibility meeting, basically a business meeting. And all the business of the group took place. And then at the end of it, they tried to find volunteers for stuff. And the lady's up there chairing the meeting. She says, we need people to set up the baby group Sundays and Thursday nights. And Jerry put up his hand. And I'm thinking, man, this guy is, I think, you know, I'm already two weeks sober. I'm making good decisions already. And he said, Eric, we'll take care of it. And he said, Eric will take care of Sundays and Thursdays. And it was the greatest thing that happened to me because I just got involved. I got, I was just in with the baby group. I'd get there at 6 o'clock both nights. I'd leave later on. We'd all go out for fellowship at this place called Bloomsbury. It was just, we were just, we were on fire. We were on, as Bill says, the firing line of life. About three months into sobriety, I said to Jerry, I said, Jerry, can I talk to you for a second? He said, sure, Eric, come on over here. I said, Jerry, I got to be honest with you. Nobody does anything here at the baby group. I said, I got to do it all. And I'll never forget the look on his face. And he asked me a question that I think all of us have to ask ourselves. He said, Eric, who are you doing this for? And as I told you earlier on, I am not the sharpest tool in this shit. So I had to think about that for a while. And my reply to him was this. I'm doing it because I want to stay sober more than I want to drink. I'm doing it because I want to stay sober more than I want to drink. And if that man had asked me, I said, Eric, I'm going to do this. If that man had asked me to dance naked on Yonge Street in Toronto, which is the busiest street in Toronto, I would have done it. It would not have been pretty. But I would have done it because I wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink. And Jerry wasn't one of these guys that said, you know what, we're going to wait three and a half years until you feel better before we take you through the steps. And if you're new and somebody says that to you, you're going to feel better. And if you're new and somebody says that to you, you're going to feel better. Yes, you will feel better. You will feel resentment a whole lot better. You will feel pain a whole lot better. You will feel restless, irritable, and discontent a whole lot better. He said, we're going to get you into the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous right away. Well, not right away, but a few months into it. You see, he told me something. He said, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is not a book that's meant to be studied. It's a book of instructions and directions that have to be taken for us to have the spiritual experience or spiritual awakening. He said, if studying the big book helps you, that's a beautiful thing. But the reality is, the big book is a book of action. Nowhere in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous does it say, don't drink. Isn't that amazing, eh? For a fellowship here that says, we don't want you to drink, nowhere in that book does it say, don't drink. As a matter of fact, you know what it says? It says, if you're not sure, it says, step next door. It says, step next door. Try some controlled drinking. Try some social drinking. Try whatever kind of drinking you want. And when you're ready, come here. Because we know we have the answer. If anybody's looking for something to read, it's the last paragraph in Dr. Bob's story. You've got to read it. Just have a chance to read it. Because that describes our fellowship and the beautiful thing about it. You know? So we got into the steps and we did the steps. And we did all that kind of stuff and I did the work. You know? And my life started to change. You know? He said, we're going to do these things and we're going to get at them. And I was involved in service and I kept on doing those stuff. You know? You see, I believe the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is simply geared towards three things. And this is my opinion. I've had 24 years of experience in Alcoholics Anonymous and this is my opinion. I'm allowed to have my opinions. You know, I don't need people coming up to me and telling, no, this is the way it should be. That's the way it should be. Because I don't tell you that. This is my opinion. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is simply geared towards three things, in my opinion. The number one thing that it's geared towards is to find a power greater than yourself. As a matter of fact, it says in the big book, the object of this book is to find a power greater than yourself. And do you know what the beautiful thing about AA is? We're not even telling you what to believe in. What a gift. We're not even telling you what to believe in. We're just saying, come to believe in something that might be a little bigger than you. Even if you're just a little open-minded to it. Has anybody ever read Bill's story? Well, yeah, you're in AA. You've all read Bill's story. Well, there's a little part in Bill's story where an old school chum of his called Ebby Thatcher gives Bill a call one night and he says, Bill, I gotta come over to see you. Something's happening. Bill says, come on over. Bill's thinking, you know what, Ebby will come over. We'll just recreate what we've done in the past. We'll have a big drink fest. Everything will be great. Ebby knocks on the door. Bill opens it up. There is Ebby Thatcher looking like a million bucks. They go sit down at a table. Bill pours a little gin, throws it down to Ebby. Ebby goes, no thanks. Bill goes, what do you mean, no thanks? And Ebby Thatcher says to him, he says, Bill, I found religion. And Bill thinks to himself right away, last year alcoholic crackpot, this year religious crackpot. He says, no big deal. My gin will last a lot longer than his ranting. Do you guys ever remember that? I would listen to somebody's life story for three days. Just keep a drink flowing. No problem. And he said he didn't do it in any way. He said, probably the greatest thing, and I believe this was the miracle before AA. Probably the, and I'm paraphrasing this. Probably the greatest thing Ebby Thatcher said to Bill Wilson that night. He said, Bill, why don't you find a God of your own understanding? And I believe at that time, for Bill, that's when it changed from a religious message to a spiritual message. We're not telling you what to believe in. We're just saying come to believe in something that might be a little bigger than you. As a matter of fact, it was AA for me. It was impossible not to believe that there was something going on here. And then I came to believe in my sponsor. And if you were to ask me what is Alcoholics Anonymous all about for me, it's trying to improve and develop my relationship with God. And how do I do that? By putting God first, other people second, and me third. And not constantly running around with my friends and friends. Not constantly running around thinking about me. Any time I can get out of me is a good day. The second thing I think the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is geared towards, it's 12 steps, is to love yourself again. I have never met anybody walk through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous that has a good self-image of who they are. I've never met anybody walk through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous that loves themselves. I've met hundreds of people walk through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous that are in love with themselves. But I've never met anybody who actually likes who they are. And I think the second thing this book is geared towards, and it's 12 steps, is to like who you are again. To love who you are. Because I really believe you can't give that away until you feel that. The third thing I think the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is geared towards, and it's 12 steps, in the doctor's opinion it says that we are people that are full flight from reality. Folks, it doesn't say that we're a little out of touch. It says full flight. It says full flight. It says full flight. And then the next line after that, it says we are outright mental defects. If you're new to AA, welcome. Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. If I look back on it, I could never live life on life's terms. I was in a different world from 27 under. I did not deal with reality. I always wanted to be somebody else doing something else somewhere else. Never happy with who I was. I can sit here today, folks, and this isn't any podium rhetoric. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Once I get here, there is absolutely no other place I'd rather be than right here in Hinkley, Illinois. Surrounded by cornfields in a united church. It doesn't get much better than that. And that's the deal with me today. I accept life on life's terms. I enjoy life. I deal with reality and responsibility. There's sometimes I don't like that. There's sometimes I don't like that. So the three things I think this book is geared towards is to find that power to love yourself and get back in touch with reality and live in the world. Live in reality. Accept life on life's terms. Be a productive member of AA and take that out there and be a productive member of society. I hear a lot of people say, you know what, you shouldn't live in AA. Well, if I don't live in AA, believe me, when I go to the outside world, that world will be difficult. I don't know about you people, but I don't wake up every morning a spiritual giant. There are people in this world that wake up every morning and feel spiritual stuff. I have to work about an hour and a half, an hour on it every morning. I have to do my prayers. I have to do my readings. Because you want to know what? And excuse my French. There is always some asshole out there trying to ruin your day. And if you don't get ready for them in the morning, you're going to be in trouble. You see, for me to be effective and successful in the outside world, I must live in AA. Does that mean going to meetings all the time? No. It means practicing these things, working with others, and really living your life in 10, 11, and 12. That's the deal. I always get a kick out of people saying, well, you know what, I'm working on this step. We don't work on steps here. We do them. And then there are spiritual principles that we live by afterwards. And we live in 10, 11, and 12. You know, I hear a lot of people doing four steps every four or five months. Well, why don't you try a tenth step? Maybe your fourth step won't, you know. I don't know. This whole program is designed to live in 10, 11, and 12. 10, 11, and 12 is just 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 on a daily basis. That's all it is. You know? And I try to do that on a regular basis. I work with a lot of people. I take them through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I do it slowly. It takes about eight months to a year. But we thoroughly go through that, and I watch people's lives change. I work at a, I do a treatment center every second. I go out there with 35 guys, Salvation Army, and I do a big book workshop. And I'm not their sponsor, and I don't take them through the steps, but I'll tell you what I do. When they leave there, they know what their problem is, and they know what their solution is. What they do with that's up to them. I have a great life today. People keep on asking me. I'm taking two more minutes, and I'm getting out of here. Joe, do I have a few more minutes? Okay. People, people ask me a lot. Why do you keep coming back to AA? I've often thought about this. If my next door neighbor knew that I had been going to some therapy group for 24 years, three or four nights a week, he would not let his children near me. Before I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I had absolutely no purpose in my life. I had a feeling of uselessness. I had no effectiveness in my life whatsoever. And I don't care if you're alcoholic or you're not alcoholic. You have to have a purpose in life. It doesn't matter. If you don't have a purpose, life will eat you up and spit you out. I'm at the baby group about 10 years ago, and there's a guy that's getting a one-year medallion. He's a sponsor of mine. And I'm sitting up there giving him his one-year medallion. As I look out on the room, there's about seven or eight or nine guys that I sponsor that are productive, active members of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't know about you, but every once in a while, I get this overwhelming feeling of gratitude that I just can't explain. But I know why I do it. But I know why I do what I do. It gives me that, it just confirms why I do what I do. And people wonder why I keep coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous. I've been chasing that my whole life. And I found it here. I'm at the baby group Christmas party a few years ago, and two people come up to me and they say, Eric, I'd like to thank you so much for what you've done for my son. And I say, whoa. And folks, this has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with you people and the God of our understanding. And I said, hold it for a second. I said, he thinks I'm great and he's busy saving my life. And people wonder why I keep coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous. Where do you find that? I'm doing the phones down at Intergroup in 234 Eglinton in Toronto on a Saturday night. Some girl phones me up and I talk to her for about 45 minutes. She's drunk. Her name's Michelle. A year later I'm speaking at a one-year medallion and a girl comes up to me in line after me to say thank you. And she says, do you ever do the phones at 234 Eglinton? I said, I sure do. I do them on the 10th of every month. And she says, my name's Michelle. Do you remember me? I said, oh yeah, Michelle, I remember you. She said, I just celebrated a year of sobriety. And I'd like to thank you so much for what you've done for me and for listening to me that night. You see, my philosophy had always been don't listen to somebody when they're talking drunk. My philosophy changed that night. And people wonder why I keep coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous. Purpose. I have a feeling of purpose. My purpose in life is to help the still suffering alcoholic. I believe that's really all God wants me to do. That's where I'm most effective. That's where I can do God's work and be effective and useful. Because I know that book and I know that book will change lives. I love the big book conference. I love being part of a big book conference. Because I'm a big book guy. If they want to call me a thumper, call me whatever you want. But it's worked for me. I don't know if AA is for you. I know one thing for sure. That it's for me. It says in our book, it says in the 12 and 12 that AA is a group of principles, spiritual in nature. That it follows a way of life that will expel the obsession of the drink and allow the sufferer to become usefully and happily whole. And that's exactly what's happened to me in AA. My mom died a year ago and that was probably a little over a year ago. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I lost my hero. But AA, it was time. And you know, the beautiful thing about AA through this whole process. She had dementia and then she broke her hip and she was gone a month later. But I'm free. Because everything that had to be said had been said. And I hope you don't miss that opportunity with your parents or the people that love you. Talk to them. Say what has to be said because you will be free once they go. And that's all I've ever wanted to be free. You know, my sponsor always used to say to me, how bad do you want to be free? You'll do these things if you want to be free. I'm pretty free today. I've had some success in life. I live a pretty good life. I was telling my few friends here today. I've had a few friends here this weekend that this last year hasn't been easy. I don't know. There's something going on with me and I'm desperately trying to get that enthusiasm back. I've always kept going to my home group, kept working with people. But just some of that oomph isn't back. And so I keep working on that. And I keep on trying to develop and improve that relationship. And I continue to do that. And I continue to work with others. Because sometimes I don't feel like working. I'm always working with guys. But every time I leave from working with a guy or at Hope Acres at that treatment center, I feel like a million bucks. I always end my talks with a little story. It's about an old man walking down a cold and dark road. In the middle of the road he sees a snake. The snake says to the old man, please sir, pick me up and nurse me back to health. I'm dying. He says, I can't do that. He says, you're a poisonous reptile. And surely if I was to pick you up and nurse you back to health, you'd bite me. And the snake said, not if you save my life. So the old man picked up the snake, put him on the inside of his jacket. And when the snake got to feel a little bit better, he bit the old man. The old man threw him back down on the ground. He looked at the snake and he said, I thought you said you wouldn't bite me if I saved your life. And the snake looked at him with a snickering grin. He said, you knew what I was when you picked me up. My friends, if you're in the confines of a bar room, cocktail lounge, or even your own living room, and you decide to take the plug out of the jug or the cork out of the bottle, rationalize it, those that'll listen. Justify it to yourself. If you've been here, and if you know me, and if you met us, you knew what it was when you picked it up. May the God of your understanding be with you all, and thank you so much for having me here in lovely Hinkley.