Direct Restitution and Amends – Bb Workshop – Part 7 of 10 – Local AA Speakers

All right. Hi, everybody. Katie, recovered alcoholic. Hi, Katie. We're going to start again, and I... Okay, am I talking loud enough into the microphone now? Okay, right on the money. Okay, well, what we've got is we've Got 6 through 9. Now, 6 through 8 is a lot of information to cover, believe it or not. I think one of the biggest things that happens, once again, in sponsorship or in loss of whatever is only because six and seven are just paragraphs, two paragraphs in the big book. They are so overlooked. And this is what I think happens, and this is just my observation once again is they're so overlooked so they're not given a whole lot of energy. And they, as far as I'm concerned, are some of the most powerful steps in our life. So what a lot of people do is they tend to turn to the 12 and 12, and I'm not fully against that. However, if you understand what's happening is we're just asking God. We've made an agreement with God, right? We've laid out the terms. Stay close to him and perform his work well. So six and seven are, my buddy Bob says it really cool. You know, you've heard the story about the frog on the log. There's three frogs on a log. One of them makes a decision how many frogs you have on the log. Well, you have three because one just made a decision. Well, he said that a decision would be the third step, and you'd actually hear the splash in six and seven. See, so I kind of like that way of putting it because that gets you to understand that six and seven are very, very power-driven steps. They're all about just to do this move, to hand it to God. It takes a lot of work, right? I'm like this. I'm hanging on to it. Maybe not. Yeah, maybe. Okay. Didn't grab it. Didn'T grab it quick enough. And so that's kind of how we operate, right, where like that little kid. I mean, I grew up with siblings, So I'm always asking you guys, do you have siblings? Do you have civilians? Do you know what siblings, how that feels? And of course, I was the baby. So I was tortured. And you're always tortured when you're the baby and so I always look at everything as siblings because you're constantly doing a dance. Who's getting what? Who's get what? Where am I getting cheated? And who's got this? And there goes the mashed potatoes. I missed them, so I don't get any mashed potatoes You know, I mean, everything in life was always about what can I get. You know? What deal can I work? What deal Can I work and so when I look at this, I always also understand two things is is one thing is, you know, people say my lifestyle did not make me alcoholic. What made me alcoholic was I lost the power of choice in drink. I remember clearly thinking, I can't stop drinking. I remember that. Now, I drank for at least five years after that thought, but it scared the dickens out of me. I remember thinking, well, we certainly don't want to share that with anybody. But this is pretty scary, right? Well, I thought for a long, long time that I drank because of my life circumstances, right. If you had lived my life, you would need to drink too. lost my mother when I was young you know my father remarried 8,000 times in a 18 month period there were nine women came through the home in a short period of time we were young kids you drink too well then I understand that you know the physical allergy the mental obsession whatever however the upbringing that I was in influenced who I am today right if you are a poor kid that lives on the east side of town that's going to influence the way you view life as opposed to the rich ivy league white boy that went to private school we're gonna have two very different views on life well it's the same for us we all come into this room with all these personalities based on belief systems right and and so that's why that that third column is so powerful You know, I may see something in life totally different than how you see it. My sponsor is real big about, she loves to hold up the book and she says, Katie, what do you see on this side of the book? Well, whatever you see would be what's on the front of this book. Well, see, I tell you what I see, I see this back binder only. So she sees something totally different. She sees the front book, I see the back of the books. It's still a book. It's till the same book. We just see it completely differently. So that's what this whole 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, that's What This Whole Thing is about. And one of the things that we have to be very, very careful of, especially when Charlie gets into 8 and 9, is you will find a lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous who tell you, oh, you don't need to make that amends. I mean, living amends, book never refers to living amens, does it? Practice these principles in all our affairs, absolutely. But that's not a living amends. And I know you'll say the VCR story, so I won't steal your VCR story. But so all of this body of work is leading towards us. That's why there is no break time. If in sponsorship, and that's what my sponsor and her sponsor, I mean our whole sponsor lineage is all about sponsorship, period. If my very life depends on the constant thought of others, and how we may meet their needs, then I'm teaching you how to sponsor, right? I'm not teaching you the big books so you'll feel better. And then you get to stop there. We have to keep this thing alive and going, right. And so this body of work here that we're all learning to do, it moves at a very rapid pace. And you'll notice before every step, it says now, action, more action, now, action,more action,now,action,moreaction. It never says, now, thank God that's over. Let's go ahead and take a vacation. It constantly has you moving and moving and going forth and going forth. So Charlie wanted me to go back to the sex inventory on one of the things that is not really misunderstood, but it's a big piece of the work I missed. And that is, and a lot of it was because I was in a relationship immediately into AA. and so I didn't, there was no real sane and sound ideal for sex or anything that I did. However, I sponsor enough girls that we are constantly doing a sane and sound idea for sex and I'll even step out there I don't know how progressive you guys are up in the northeast but down in Texas and in Austin, we have a strong gay community and what's happened in the gay community is we've got this whole generation of confused sexually is really confused sexually especially the gals man it's like you know we talked about this last week as in my generation you're not gonna go uh my my generation danced with the girls the generation now right remember in the in the 70s you know girls were dancing with each other because it was you didn't have to wait on the boys and they were kind of slimy and slobbery and so we we just all danced together the thought of me making out with you at the end of that never crossed my mind now we got a generation of girls that are out dancing and making out and you're like whoa honey honey where did that become okay you know and so um when you're dealing with the sexual inventory and these younger girls man they are they're they're pretty twisted up They're sexually confused as to what gender to go to, right? And the interesting thing behind the sexual inventory, they're not talking bisexuality. They are talking homosexuality or heterosexuality. See, I would assume that would be somewhat bisexual. And so you sit down with them and you go, oh, honey, you're just sexually confused. Let's try to just work on that sane and sound ideal. Let's figure out what field you're going to play on, and let's just work with that. You know what I'm saying? And it does. You start working with enough new gals that are about under 28 years old, and they're all, everybody's kissing everybody. I'm not kissing a girl in the room today. I just want to make that real clear. I am 100% heterosexual. So now that we've cleared that up. So, when it says in here, it says, am I staying close enough to this microphone, sir? Okay. Now, yeah, I got you. And, you know, it's funny. Well, what's really funny is I love that most of us girls will admit, you know, when we come into Alcoholics Anonymous, you're handed a book that seems to be sexist. I don't know about you, but the first time I opened this book and I saw To the Wise and The Women Folk and I thought, oh, and first of all, the book thing and then you know i remembered one guy said well let's hear from the little lady you know when i was at a meeting and i thought oh yeah we got the boys club going here right and then if we began to talk about our sexual stuff made the boys all nervous right and and you know and and today i completely understand it i wouldn't change the wording in this book i love and respect where this book come from but i have to tell you when you first walk in here and you've got this whole female, you know, don't mess with me thing going on. You want to rewrite the world. Do you know what I mean? So it was pretty challenging. And when women have talked about the sexual aspect of it, it starts to make a lot of people in the room uncomfortable. And so when Charlie was saying, why don't you review what it's talking about, the sexual inventory takes a very interesting twist. It says, we reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? That's a question we have to ask ourselves, right? Page 69. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Yeah, page. I'm Sorry. I just always assumed everybody knew that was on 69. I thought it's really quite crafty. I know that's been such a long standing joke and so then it says whom did we hurt these are all the questions we must answer right did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy suspicion or bitterness where were we at fault what should we have done instead see you don't get to at that point say well I shouldn't have slept with them That's, you know, oh, well, that's not a very good answer. I shouldn't have done that is not a good enough answer. You have to go through all of that. We got this all down on paper and looked at it. Then it says, in this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. Charlie, do you remember it says here, looked up in the dictionary what the word sound meant? Do you have it? Well, in a 1935 dictionary, The word sound is not going to be what you think it is. Do you have the 1935 dictionary? Anyway, keep going. Okay. So it says we subjected each relationship to this test, was it selfish or not. We asked God to mold our ideas and to help us live up to them. See, without God's help, let me tell you, I've watched this over and over and over, you will pick sick people, period. If you think it's all about you changing and you staying alone, and then all of a sudden you going back out there and picking, you're going to go right back to picking unhealthy people. If you don't bring God into this deal, you will not be able to change, period. I think we've learned that, but on some level we get that, but we don't do it. We just assume he should know. He clearly understands I want a good relationship. Why should I ask? Well, we were talking about this earlier. in a spiritual world and by spiritual law God gave us free will and if he gave us free will we don't get to get God's will unless we ask for it I love the way Bob puts it he says God is a gentleman and you must or Scott says it God is not God is the gentleman you must ask him in he doesn't go where he's not invited yeah he doesn'T go where he's NOT invited and so when we are with the beauty of self-will and the spiritual law is he absolutely cannot help us when we are in our own will, right? And so what he's got to do is you've got to ask him in. You've gotto ask him for this help or nothing changes. Did you get the... I'm learning the alphabet. Oh, sound. Sound. Okay, back to where it says, In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. I see it, darling. Complete. okay so it says is it my turn yet not your turn yet at all it says I will have we not figured this out about my personality yet it says in this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life means complete the word sound complete valid free from defect or logical flaws showing common sense and good judgment based on valid reasoning. Interesting, huh? Now I'll tell you what's really interesting is get a 1935 dictionary. That is where it will blow your socks away. Okay, so it says the line I'm trying to slowly get to is we subjected each relationship to this test was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideas and help us live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers, that word is very powerful. We're not given a lot of power, but this one we got some power. We're God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly, nor to be despised or loathed. So then it says, we come down to the next paragraph, whatever our ideal turns out to be, which really means I can't be the arbiter of your decisions, although I watch some serious sexual confusion out there. we must be willing to grow towards it we must make amends where we have done harm provided that we do not bring on still more harm in doing so this is a very powerful line in the book we treat sex as we would any other problem which means if we treat it like any other problem, we have to go back and ask ourselves those same questions in all other circumstances which cause us problems not just about sex and so it says in meditation we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. So now this is going to get a little controversial in your view of meditation and my view of medication and I don't really want to expound too much on this until we get into the 11th step but it says, in meditation, we ask god what we should do about each specific matter so that's that that's you're going to god with questions in meditation you're not just you know that flat quiet you know um transcendental meditation whatever whatever whatever is great if that works for you but if it doesn't work for you meditation is very personal it's whatever works for você and i'll get more into that but there are three places in the book where it says in meditation we ask uh before we ever get up to the 11th step just kind of keep keep your eyes open for that um the right answer will come if we want it and so it says you know god alone can judge our sex situation there is so much guilt shame and remorse that goes with sex and alcoholics is there not oh oh my gosh we are so riddled and we have so many secrets and or let me put it this way the majority of us you know not everybody but the majority of us have a pretty shaded past and um so what the guilt shame and remorse that chris is talking about really begins to happen the relief of the guilt shaming remorse begins to happen at the night actually in the beginning of the eighth step and then of course into the action of the ninth step but in the opening of the eight step that um forgiveness happens when we forgive we are forgiven that's just the the spiritual law and the longer you're sober and you begin to understand spiritual principle you'll kind of want to step out there a little bit in spiritual law and start learning something about this whole universe it has nothing to do with religion it has to do With the laws and the laws are the same in all aspects of of spiritual growth no matter if you're in Judaism Christianity Hinduism whatever they're all still the spiritual laws cause and effect, cause and effect. I go out there and shoot somebody I'm going to have some bad repercussions. Igo out there and sleep with somebody when I'm married I'm gonna have some repercussions Igooutandhaveunprotectedsex I'mgonnahavesomerepercussions Everything has cause and effects I lie, I steal, I cheat It all has cause and effects and it happens the same in spiritual law. The law of karma There's all kinds of interesting laws that go along with this And when you start going into 6, 7, 8, and 9, you start really beginning to understand these laws come into effect. So what we've got is we flip over and we're going into page 70 now. And it says one of the things I do love, and we are going to jump past sex. I think I have gotten enough off on this subject. On page 70, it says for some of us sex is a big problem. And trust me, you can be alone and have sex. Okay? Are you with me on that? I mean, everybody knows that you don't have to be with somebody. So it can be troublesome by yourself if you're following my drift here. And so on page 70, especially with the Internet nowadays, it says, to sum up about sex, we earnestly pray for the right. It gives you four directions. For the right ideal, for the guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity and for the strength to do the right thing because if you've got any sort of problem with the whole sexual twist we women have to have we're trying to find the guy to take care of us the guy is just trying to get himself take care OF his issue whatever that may be whatever we both have a motive behind all of this right i mean the the bottom line is we can when it comes to malady we're going to stick anything in that malady, we're gonna stick shopping, we are gonna stick sex, we gonna stick gambling, we're gona stick anything we possibly can into this malady this big deep hole. So it says if sex is very troublesome we throw ourselves harder into helping others. Isn't that interesting? So if we can't stay off the Internet, male and female, this is certainly a two-sided coin here. If we can' t stay off of the Internet and if we cannot stop picking up newcomers at the meetings, remember this is also for your sponsees, right? If you see this behavior happening, you know, this where we bring them to the book. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the impervious urge when to yield so would be more heartache. Now we're going on, we're going on and now we're getting ready to make this six we're gonna look at six and seven. That's the end of four right there. I want one minute right here for comic relief. I mean I know all you guys have probably heard that's the ending of the four step inventory though is the end of that sex inventory. Before we let Katie get serious again I guess surely you may have already heard this one about you have to be very careful about your directions when you when you're working with a sponsee and maybe you've heard the one about the lady that was having so much trouble with her sex stuff. And she goes to her, she calls her sponsor and her sponsor says, go home and get your big book out and turn to page 69. And I want you to read the instructions there. She gets a little dyslexic and she goes home and she turns to page 96. And on 96, she finds, do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation, is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our fellowship failed entirely with her first half dozen prospects. She often says if she'd continue to work on them, she might have deprived many others who have since recovered of their chance. That's all I got to say. You guys are so bad. See, he's always the funny guy. Well, on page 74, guys, midway down um uh and i this is a very very important line in the book that that we're actually taking into um you know into six but it says at the very bottom of the paragraph that starts out with if we cannot or would rather not do this look down all the way to bottom of that paragraph it says the rule is we must be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others you got to remember that when we're working the 12 steps, we are not talking therapeutically in here. You sit in front of a counselor and you share that information, they'd knock you out of the water, right? You've got to remember that that outside work that you're going to be doing if you choose to go to counseling is outside work. The job in here is what is the root of our trouble? Selfish and self-centered. We lose sight of that and we will make all sorts of reasons why I can blow you up, why I can be mean to you, why I can check you off my list and you no longer are part of my life. That's the danger that we get into with this disease. So always try to keep somebody in the check and balance, the check and balance. So now flipping over here, we talked about what all we're getting ready from that fifth step to bring into six and seven, right? Okay. And, no, I have 15 minutes. Take 15. That line she just read also addresses whether or not, you know, because a lot of times people will go, well, we make amends except when the do-so would injure them or others. Am I part of others? You know, what if making amends? And I think that line pretty much addresses it where it says, the rule is we must be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others. That's going to come up in 8 and 9. So when we're walking into that fifth step, what I was leaving off on on that last one is, you know, when you sit down and you tell them what they're taking into six and seven, I mean, did you catch a lot of that? That's why buying these CDs is so important because you get to re-listen to it and re-Listen to it. You can only grasp so much in a weekend like this. I mean if you think you'll remember it or look back at your notes, it just won't. I mean, you almost have to get these CDs and just listen to them over and over. And that's really how Charlie and I learned was, you know, that's how we met Chris S. I just got a hold of some big book study of his and really just loved his stuff. Told Charlie, you've got to listen to this stuff. Come to find out. Mark knew him, brought him down to Texas. We got to meet him. We hijacked him and took him out to barbecue. And obviously he fell in love with us and asked us to be here. So we've known Chris an hour and a half. I think I told you about it. he so did not we'll discuss this when we get to our room but actually maybe you did now I do kind of think it did go that way see how these things work out isn't that amazing Chris S. I don't know who Chris S is all I know is I got a hold of his CDs and just could not stop learning see that's what we have to do because once again guys this is all about you being sponsors the book all it ever talks about is me helping others period right everything is about me take away my difficulty so the victory over them may bear witness to those i would help to those I would help because the only way we deal with this level of self-centeredness is by helping others okay and that's where the great gift God in the terms God will take care of our needs if we stay close to him and perform his work well When you enter a marriage, you stand in front of God and well, maybe I'm assuming that in front of God, in front Of those people. And you make these terms richer or poorer through health, faithfulness, all these things, right? These are the commitments you make. You don't go against those. Do you? If you do, you risk the marriage. See, God says to say, you go to work for somebody. They say, You answer this phone. You show up eight hours a day. You Don't do that. You risk your job. You don't keep these commitments with God. He doesn't take care of your needs because you don't keep your terms. He does not make too hard of terms. They're really quite easy and the gifts of the program are unbelievable when you do the entire program. They are very spotty if you only do a spotty program. You only get a little of this. You get a lot of that. So we're into 6 and 7, right? So now they've taken this hour, and this 6 and 7 is a part of that hour. But the bulk of it was them going back over the steps, them really looking at these five proposals, them asking themselves the question, is their work solid so far? I don't want a simple yes. I want them to look back at their list to really get this deal. And it says on page 76, it says, if we can answer to our satisfaction, then you have to ask yourself, did I do a good enough job? because I don't know about you, but I sponsor enough people where they did a shoddy four-step. They come to me with like six people on there and they're brand new sober. You're like, oh God. Oh, good Lord. Did you do your sex inventory? Did you deal with that? Did you feel your fearless? No. You're not doing an inventory today. You're saying, well, you know what? And then one gal, I sat down with her and she said, she finally admitted she'd smoked pot the day before and I thought, we are not doing an inventory together today. We still don't have a grasp of the first step. Oh, come on. Let's do it. No, ma'am. of course I love doing this number no ma'am you know oh you know how they're like oh come on I just lost my shot so it says we emphasize on step six we emphasize willingness as being indispensable see the word willingness and principles start paying attention to how many times the word wilderness and principle are used one of the things in a spiritual world if you're going to enter into this spiritual life you got to begin those understand those spiritual principles those spiritual laws willingness is what gets me to align my will with god's will in the 12 and 12 it says that willingness is the key that unlocks the door so what i've been doing is i've been asking god for help which means me just running up against a locked door with my shoulder just banging it come on help somebody unlock this door come on i'm not getting anywhere right all of a sudden I pray and I get this level of surrender when I get down to that willingness and I say God I am so willing to not believe this lie please take this lie from me because I'm not willing to believe it that's the delusion right the delution is the lie you're believing whatever is making the head go right it hadn't even happened and you're believed in it resentment is the past fear is the future you're believe in either one You're either pissed off at somebody or in the future, it's all going around. So I can't believe the lie. I'm not willing to believe the lying. See, I'm just asking for the willingness because in a spiritual world, I've got to say, I am not willing. I'm Not Willing to be Willing, right? I'm willing to be willing to remove this. So then it says, we're now ready to let God remove from us all the things we find that we have admitted are objectionable, right. I had somebody once say, well, I mean, I can pick out what's objectionable and what's not, right? Well, that's dangerous work there, isn't it? I'm thinking because it's going to tell me in the seventh step why that can get kind of dangerous. It's like, I think it's all objectionable. Just take it. Let's just wipe the slate clean. Can he now take them all, every one? That's a tough question to answer. That's current agnosticism, right. You get to this place where you go, okay, God, I know you can take care of this, but I don't know. I'll tell you, you'll check your spirituality barometer when you lose your job. All of a sudden, you're tooling along. You've got this great spiritual growth. You're in AA. You're talking all the good stuff. Boom, you lose Your job the next day. That level of fear, it will take your breath away, right? Because you don't have anything. You don't Know which way you're going. so it says if we still cling to some something we will not let go of we ask god's help god to help us be willing and i don't know about you but mine was my pride still is i mean to tell you i will bow up to the biggest boy in the room i have got no problem i mean i will just jump all up in your face and and it's it's really not good i know that clearly i know i i've gotten myself in so over uh you know in over my head and when I'm in there I'm going oh my god I can't stop it there is some I got testosterone or something I'm not sure what it is but man I'm all and I'm not taking any and I mean I'm All Up In Your Face and it's it's pride because I'm driven by fear you know some people run like crazy when somebody yells at them I'm up in your face it's not a good thing and so that's when I am always asking God to reduce that pride please God man it just drives me and then i'm going to read the seventh step prayer and turn it over to charlie so it says when ready comma we hope you're going to be ready in that hour we say something like this my creator i am now willing there's the word willing again you under are you starting to see the spiritual law in all of this the willing the principle i am not willing that you should have all of me good and bad i struggled with that why would you want the good that's the only thing i got left man let me at least have a little piece of dignity here because you see even when my motives are good even when trying to be kind i'm still working out of a motive so i gotta have god have all of it he is getting ready to have me be reborn he's getting ready give me back a new katie i don't want any take it all just give me black and blue katie cuz the old katie doesn't even know when she's running the show i pray that you now remove from me every single defective character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows not remove the defects so that i will like me better see again so we've got to really guide these people this is all about usefulness to others because that's where the great feeling comes from grant me strength as i go out from here to do your bidding amen now guys charlie will lead into this where it's once again talks about the more action but i cannot tell you how important it is to memorize the third step prayer and the seventh step prayer and to have your sponsees do that and to stop on every comma and every period because those are the most powerful prayers and i personally like to end a meeting on those prayers because then you really get to see who knows them instead of the Lord's Prayer and the Serenity Prayer, you get them on something that they don't know and they're all bobbling around and blah, blah, bla, blah. Right? And so there's my take on 6 and 7, Mr. Parker. Thank you, Katie. Well done. Thank you. Thank you At our home group, we close with the 7th Step Prayer every week and people have different objections to different prayers but that one is a purely AA prayer. And it's interesting to me. In my first pass through the steps, three, like I said, was just, I'm alcoholic, I guess I'm an alcoholic, I'm willing to try this deal a year away. My third step prayer, I didn't really know the deal I was making, but I was going to try This Deal. The inventory was supposed to clear me out so I'd feel better about me and not have to drink, and then when I talk to you about it, then I'd really feel better about me, and see if you hear any self in this past through the program. I'm going to feel better about me at six and seven. You just phone those in. I mean, they're only two little paragraphs. And eight and nine was going to be me cleaning up stuff, so now everybody will feel better about me and I can even feel better about me when I walk around and I won't need to drink again. And then 10 and 11, well, I got 10 pretty much, but we could, you know, not much. And then 12, I'm going to go out and talk to you about me. And, you Know, Well, Going Through It Now, When I'm Seeing All This Self and that what we're trying to do is remove, if I've got to have the power and we're tying to remove the things that are blocking me from the power, this takes on a whole new deal. And that's why it's so important for the sponsor, am I close enough? For the sponsor to do an active fourth step with the sponsee while they're doing that fifth step because I keep taking them to selfishness, inconsiderate, self-seeking, dishonest, afraid. And I have to be able to show them. I had one where I was like, I always draw a blank on dishonest. you know and uh and then there was one and selfish every resentment you can get selfish out of i mean and i was like i was talking to myers one day and i said show me selfish in this one i don't really get it and he goes okay this big resentment you got suppose this person had done everything you wanted them to do exactly the way you wanted him to do it exactly when you wanted him to do it would you still be mad at him i don't thought about it for a minute i said no no i don'T think i would be he goes that's selfish you know if everybody does everything exactly the way you want them to do then you know you don't have the resentment so there's at least that piece of selfishness i can always take them to selfish and you can usually get dishonest under dishonest i was it was pointed out to me that there's three forms of dishonesty There's lying, there's lying by omission, and then there's delusion. And delusion is where I'm actually fooling myself about how this thing could have, you know, expecting this thing to have gone any differently. The reason I'm saying all this and the reason we're recapping some of that is that in this time when I got to six and seven, I was armed with real information about myself when I'm looking at it that's come straight out of the fourth column of this inventory. because now I'm looking at it going, my God, I am totally selfish and inconsiderate and dishonest and self-seeking and frightened on a consistent basis. And it's these tools that are causing all this havoc in my life, and that's what I'm bringing to God. But the thing about it in that seventh step prayer is I don't even know, not only can I not get rid of these character defects, when you hear somebody saying, I'm working on my character defects. You know, that's a deep misunderstanding of the spirit of the program because I can't work on these character defects. And even when I take them to God, it says, take away the ones that stand in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. I heard one friend of mine says, you know, if all my character defects were gone, I wouldn't be worth a flip for working with new drugs, you knows, because they don't want to work with somebody that's lily white. You know? They couldn't relate to me. But I don't know which character defects are, you Know, so. But I have to give that to God, and I have to be willing to let this stuff get out of the way. We're in this program of action, and now we're rolling in. You hear a lot of people saying, now we'RE rolling into steps 8 and 9. You hear A LOT of people saying, oh, we lose a lot OF people on the fourth step. You know, we lose A LOT OF people, they just don'T have the willingness to do the fourth. Bull! We lose people in 8 and 9. You KNOW, I LOVE the fourth step, because guess what? We'RE still talking about my favorite topic. Me, you know, I mean, all the fourth step is still me talking about me, even though I may not like the context that we're talking in, we're still on my favorite topic. When we get into eight and nine, um, I have to really be driven by that step one that we talked about last night because when now all of a sudden I'm doing pretty good now. Um, I'm going to meetings I'm picking my kids up for visitation I'm paying the child support I'm doing all the stuff and then all of a sudden for the first time in two years I've got some money in my pocket and you're going to tell me it's not mine and I have to give it back to people hold on just a minute now we're talking about really calling for some willingness and you remember over on page 90 in that 12 step call it says ask him if he wants to quit for good and if he would go to any extreme to do so and it has all the things about those that first meeting and over on 96 when I'm making the second meeting with him it says he's read this volume it says He's prepared to go through with the 12 steps so it says that in that first meeting I'm supposed to lay out what alcoholism is and ask him if He's willing to go any lengths And then by the second meeting, he's supposed to have read the book and know what we're about to do and says he's willing to go through it because I need to call. My sponsor will have me write in the inside of your book my name, and I'm willing to Go To Any Lengths to Stay Sober. Because then when we get into this stuff and I go, I am not apologizing for that one. By God, I'm right this time. This one was Katie. This one Was All Katie. And he's like, open your book to the inside cover and read to me what it says there. I know what it say. It says, I'm willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. But it's nice to be able to call the sponsor back to that. Are you willing to do this? Are you going to go into any lengths? Because we're going to balk, and this is where we start to bALK. But it' s funny because when we've done this seven-step prayer, we've dealt a lot with that stuff that's blocking me. But remember, back after step three it said our third-step decision could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which were blocking us. Well, what's blocking me from this power? Well, it's resentment. It's fear. It's my guilt and remorse and that sort of thing. And it's these amends. And these amends block me in a way that I don't even know until I get into the process. This is some paradoxical stuff when you start getting into making amends because I don' t understand the way my harms to others are blocking me until I start trying to clean it up. It says, now we need more action. You know, I hope you enjoyed that hour between the fifth step and the sixth step because that's the only break in the steps, you know. And they keep us busy during that hour, but that's the only real break we get. Here, you know, we've just done the seven-step prayer, but it's amazing to a lot of people that have been told that we're going to work a step a month or something like that, that if you've jammed them through the fourth step and they know the deal they've made in step three, and we sit down and we do five, we do four, and then we do six, and we do nine, and I say, now go home, spend the hour, and then do six and seven, and make out a list of the people you've harmed. They're on Steps 9, 10, and 11, you know, that night. You know, they do essentially four steps in one day. But it really takes walking them through the process. When it says, let's, it says now we need more action without which we find that faith without works is dead. And there's quotation marks around that because it was quoted from the Bible. They were big on a lot of the book of James and that sort of thing back then. But it says, let's look at steps eight and nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. I got jammed up over this one for a long time because I had come through the fourth step and we get to this point and it says we have a List of All Persons We Have Harmed. I didn't have that list. And I don't like to get all jammed up over with this one. To me, even still, I treat the fourth step and the eighth step as separate events. After we do the inventory, I'll have them make this list. Now, there are some people that would say there's a paragraph over on 67 or 69, depending on how you look at it, that would have you making an amends list. But I like to do it now. And we take some of the amends that have come from the fourth step. But then we also have – because I know for me, in the highly enlightened state I was in while I was doing my first inventory, I had a lot of harms. Let's say I stole $15 out of my sister's purse. It didn't make my resentment inventory, it didn't make my fear inventory, and it certainly didn't make my sex inventory. So I had a lot of stuff that I needed to put on my amends list that didn't show up in that four-step inventory. And so that's the way we do it. But it says, we subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt, listen to this, this speaks to the theme of all this work. We attempt to sweep away the debris which is accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will. Remember that self piece that I keep going back to? It says what has caused all this stuff is my effort to try to live a life based on self will. Turns out that vodka never was my problem. Vodka was the only thing I'd ever found that would ease the pain of living a life based completely on self. I had me all over me. I mean, it was just me, me, me. I heard Bob, we keep quoting Bob because we love him, but he said something one time where he goes, you know when I was a kid, he goes all my memories of a kid are about me. He said I don't have any memories of my parents or what they went through or the struggles they had. I was like, me either. When I look at the depth of my self-centeredness it runs deep it says our effort to live on self will and run the show if we haven't the will to do this we ask until it comes there's the first prayer in the 8th and 9th step yes it says remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any length for victory over alcohol there's 5 references to that that I found there may be more but on 58, 76, 78, 90 and 96 out of all the steps in the big book there's more instructions on step nine than any other step because we're going to run into a lot of situations about how to make amends and you remember this book has promised me clear-cut specific directions showing exactly how these people recovered they're saying we have recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body and we can show you exactly what we did to do it. There's clear-cut directions in here, and I toss it on my nightstand and go to 90 meetings in 90 days because I'd rather watch a video than read the book. But when I get back to doing this work out of the book, it's going to take me being convinced that it's my only shot, but it works every time. These results are guaranteed. It's not like God's grace falls unevenly and some people get the experience and some don't. If I do this work out of the book with somebody that's done the work out of it, it's guaranteed results. When we get into these amends though, it says probably there's still some misgivings. Yeah. I mean, did anybody have misgivens going into the amends process um there's a lot of people i just assume not go talk to and as we look at over the list of business acquaintances and friends we've heard we may feel diffident that means iffy um about going to some of them on a spiritual basis because it talks about we're going to go to them and talk about what we're trying to do it says we might pray to them at the moment we're trying to put our lives in order. Here it is again. Remember how the book keeps constantly saying that this deal is not so Charlie can chill. It says at the moment we're trying to put ourselves in order, but this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God. It doesn't even say, that's a word, you know those lines we were talking about that come up off the page or some fourth edition stuff that's on in there i always thought it said our real purpose is to be of maximum service to god and i thought that meant i'm going to be in gauzy little pajama clothes down on the you know with a tambourine and and you know and it says our real focus is to fit ourselves to be a maximum service to god so it could just be that i need to fit myself i've just got to go through this work and and be available if there is the opportunity to carry the message. It doesn't even mean that I'm necessarily going to be of maximum service to God, but I'm trying to be fit. I'm tying to fit myself to be a maximum, and the people about us. Well, then it talks about we don't go to everybody and say, I love there was a Cheech and Chong movie. It says we don'T go to Everybody and Talk About the Spiritual Approach. There was aCheechandChong movie where this guy comes up and he's all starry-eyed, You know, and he says, I used to be screwed up on. He doesn't say screwed, but he says I used to be screwing up on drugs and then I found the Lord. Now I'm screwed up on the Lord, you know, and that's what a lot of people are going to hear if I run up to him and go, you know, I'm trying to fit myself to be a maximum service to God, you know, and I'm here to clean up the past for you. Our buddy Chris talks about that this living amends thing, I'm going to get to Chris's part in a little bit. Yeah, Chris R., a different Chris. I swear to God, we were sitting in a meeting the other day and there was a woman there and she said, I embezzled money from the company that I worked for and I'm making living amens for that by not stealing from the country that I'm working for now. And I was like, oh my God! You know, it's like it's just made direct amends wherever possible. You know the lady whose TV I stole doesn't give a flip that I'm not stealing TVs anymore. She wants her stinking TV back. You know I mean that's making direct amens. So you know most of the time what you hear people describe as living amends really fall under the category of practicing these principles in all our affairs. Of course we don't keep stealing TVs, but that doesn't make up for the TV that I stole. That's not making direct amends. I had something else I was going to say and I forgot what it was. But the thing about making direct amends, we use cards the way we do it in my place. There's something about, for most of us, a lot of what our experience will be is I do the fourth step. I do six and seven. I make a list of all the people I've harmed. I've got this list of everybody that I've harmed, and then I make the big ones. I make amends to my mother. I make Amends to My Father. I make a man's way to my significant other and a few of the people that are going to kick my ass if I run into them. You know what I mean? When you think about the tornado, I just do the ones that are first affected by the tornado roaring through their lives. And what happens over a period of time is that list has a way of finding its way to a drawer. And I start going to the meetings, and I get real busy. And the next thing that becomes important to the newcomer is always what we call the AA Holy Trinity, the job, the car, the girlfriend. Those are the first things. And in the middle of that trinity somewhere there's a cell phone, you know, because they've always got the hot stuff cell phone. You know, you'll have a brand-new guy that doesn't have two nickels to rub together. He's living in a sober house, and DHS is paying for it. And then his pocket rings, and he goes, Is that an iPhone? I don't have an iPhone. But they've all been talking about it. They've always gotten the hot-stuff phone. But other things become a priority more than making these amends. And I always say, if you want to see what I believe, don't listen to what comes out of my mouth. Watch my feet. You'll see what i believe by following me around. And what happens for a lot of us is as the heat starts getting off, I don't act like somebody that's convinced that he is powerless over alcohol. I start acting like somebody that believes That I'm almost powerless over alcohol So if I'm Almost powerless over Alcohol then I don't really Have to do all of this stuff Especially the unpleasant stuff And the stuff that you know So I have to Really stay in that step one experience To push myself through the Amends process but what happens on The other side of it is something That you can't describe to somebody Until you've done it these amends The reason I say all that and the reason we use cards when we're doing them is because something about taking, we get three by five index cards and I write on there the person that I owe the amends to, their contact information, and what the harm was. And I put those, I've got them on my desk right now. And something about those cards speaks to me. That list is very quiet sitting in that drawer there, But when you've got those cards laying there, you know, you walk by and you go, oh, you know, and sometimes I'll pick it up and flip through them. Well, the other thing that I've started noticing is I like financial amends because there's a finality to a financial amendment and there's very little chance of rejection. If you give me a choice, you now, I mean, it's very rare to go up to somebody and go, hey, listen, you known, I burned you for a couple hundred bucks and you don't even know i did it but you know here's the money they're seldom ever going to refuse the money you know but then it says the next card says uh my daughter for not paying attention to her or being present with her in situations and my self-centeredness standing in the way of our relationship and some of that sort of thing let's move that card to the bottom you know and you know And what I started to know, I looked the other day and I had no more financial amends to make, but I still got a pretty decent little stack of personal ones. The reason I've got all this is because we gathered everybody together. And it's funny, one of the things that my sponsor will do is people are constantly coming to you saying, well, you put me through the work. We always want to do another inventory. You always hear people saying, I'm doing another four-step. You rarely hear somebody saying, I'm going back through 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. It's like get back up to the ninth step and go, let's do another inventory. And he won't – if somebody comes to him and says, will you put me through the work again? He'll go, have you made all your amends? Have you completed your ninth step? And if they say no, it's like I'm not going to go to all the trouble of going back through the work again until you've completed the amends process so uh it's a powerful step but i've seen guys do some very heroic stuff and i've had some amends but you know i i went we don't have uh 10 minutes how long did you talk young lady um you know I um we don't have a tremendous amount of time to go over the different forms of amends but that you know there is stuff in here and I've got border notes in my big book where this This second paragraph on 77 is the man we hate. The bottom paragraph is their part, and the part of their part is very disappointing because it says, under no condition do we get to criticize such a person or argue. Simply we tell them we'll never get over our drink until we've done our utmost to straighten out the past. Because the most unsatisfactory amends, if I'm operating out of self, are the ones where I go to them and I go, I'm really sorry about the beef we had at the trade show the other day and that argument we got in. And I was selfish and inconsiderate, and I probably shouldn't have attacked you like I did. Come on. Come on, let's hear you say your part. And I've had ones where the guy had a sponsee fire me, and this guy, I went to him and made amends because I'd said something to him that was probably not one of those things you want videotaped and sent to the general service office is how you sponsor a self-centered newcomer. But it was pretty direct. But I made amends to him. And then I'm thinking, and basically he stood there and let me make amends to him and then left. And I was like, that son of a bitch didn't apologize for anything. But we don't get to take that spirit into the amends. It's that thing where we're not talking about their part. So this paragraph is very clear about that we don'T make amens. We don't talk about their parts. Nine out of ten cases. And you know what, mention about the I need to make an amends and then there's no amends. Oh, this is a good one. We hear people in the program all the time and they'll go, Karen, I need you to make amends for your, owe you amends, here's the way it goes, owe you an ammends for not giving you enough advance notice that I needed that printing done. And then they turn away and you go, you still owe me amends? All you did was announce that you need to do it. We're still sitting here waiting for it. The amends is coming in and actually cleaning it up and making the apology, but we saw a guy do that to his wife. He was from the podium. He goes, oh, my wife amends for this and that, and we're sitting there going, did I miss the amends? All he did was acknowledge that he owes it to her. There's a real process, But there are very clear-cut instructions in here on how, you know, the second paragraph on 78 deals with money. The bottom paragraph deals with criminal offenses. And then we keep coming up with prayers where it says, Although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles which we find guiding. Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, We ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything. You hear people say there's no must in AA. Well, there's one of them. We must nicht schränken an anything. Well, I'm out at a treatment center one time. And it's funny, I've got some stories, but I'm out at a treatment center one time and we're reading this paragraph. And I'm sitting there telling these guys, I will believe something if for no other reason than it's in the first 164 pages of the big book. I believe this book was divinely inspired and I don't take issue with a word out of this, blah, blah. blind it says we must not shrink anything well i go to a conference i owed delta airlines a lot of money i used to take a lot of free trips on delta airlines and we go to our conference that weekend and there's one where they had you file down these long tables and you never know who was going to be when one side filled up they filled up the other side so you never knew who you were gonna well this woman sits down and i say how you doing you know and we're all just you know sun beams for jesus at this little rally and and uh and i said uh um where do you work and she goes i'm in the accounting department for delta airlines and i thought and i had just read this thing about we must not shrink and there's still this moment of indecision you know and she says oh well you were one of those huh and she gave me a phone number you know to call and it was three days before i called i'd like to say you know i went straight home and made the call But, you know, I've had some of those go that way. Now, that one was one of the biggest fears I had. And when I made the amends, they basically said, please don't send the money. You know, just, you're going to foul up everything. It's been five years. But then sometimes we have to pay back the money, and I've had guys, I'm not sure if it's true, but I've had some experiences with sponsees that were just, I've had a lot of experience with these amends and I've made a lot of financial amends and I paid a lot of stuff back but when you watch a guy there's a demonstration of faith that takes place in these amens process that I really think a lot of the freedom that comes in the amens process comes in the eighth step a lot of the freedom comes from becoming willing to make the amends you know um I have an ex-wife that that I still need to make amends to And I'm willing to do it, but I'm just not sure that it's the right thing to do at this point. But I've had sponsors go and present themselves. One came up here to Mount Olive, New Jersey and presented himself to the court. And, you know, I can't ever get through the story because this guy, when he came to me, he had dreadlocks out to here. He's got ink all over him. He's Got a ring in his nose. It's one of these guys where when he's coming at you, you're going, please, God, don't ask me to sponsor you. And he came to it. And he's turned into being one of my best soldiers. I always get a little emotional talking about this guy. But to watch him go from being that hopeless guy in the treatment center to being willing to come up here and present himself to the court and say the only reason that I would go to jail behind these charges would be if there's somebody in that jail that I'm the only one they could hear the message from. That is not a testament to the power of this guy or the power of Charlie Parker as a sponsor. That's the power of God working in a newcomer's life. That's the kind of stuff you miss out on if you're not working with new guys and if you are not experiencing this entire process and to watch him come out of that I mean I've got story after story after story of heroic amends where guys are presenting themselves in situations where you're thinking, this is some scary stuff. And if God is involved in this stuff, I've seen some magical stuff happen. You know, it's just instruction after instruction in here about what we ought to be willing to do. And we don't have time to cover it here, but it says, even when it talks about taking drastic action And here on page 80, it says, when taking drastic action which might implicate other people, we secure their consent. If we have, one, obtained permission, have consulted with others, have asked God to help, and the drastic step is indicated, we must not shrink. So they talk more and more. Then it goes into domestic troubles. It goes into what to tell when we're talking with our wives, if there's been infidelity. Now, there is one area where it talks about longer amends, and there are many and many prayers in here. But the amends process, it talks abut we should be sensible, tactful, considerate, and humble without being servile or scraping. It talks about what to do with people that cannot be seen. Sometimes those people are dead, but it says we send them an honest letter. And there can be a lot of growth taking place from writing a letter to dead people that falls under the category of some people that can't be seen. What? Are you going to do the promises? Well, one of my pet peeves is when people say read the promises and they read these promises out of the ninth step. And those are just the ninth step promises. There are promises throughout this book. This book makes very clear-cut promises about what will happen in my life if I take the act of faith and follow the suggested program of recovery. It's just as consistent as it's going to be. There's first step promises, third step promises fifth step promises and these ninth step provinces are big ones but I'm not going to take enough time to go through them but it talks about being delivered from all this stuff and our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change, we'll intuitively know. I mean, this is an amazing part of the work, but I know what I was going to say. Hallelujah! I called one back up. One of the things that I was gonna say is the bulk of the information that you're gonna get in the meeting-based fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is gonna be tilted in the direction of not having to make the amends. If you don't want to make an amends, you will be able to find support in the rooms from somebody saying you don�t have to make that amends. So stay with the book and stay with process and talk about being of maximum service to ourselves and being willing to go to any lengths. And you'll know inside whether you need to make those amends or not because I guarantee you most of the people in the room are always going to be able You're always going to be able to find somebody to say, oh, you don't need to do that one. And you're robbing yourself of some of the freedom that comes out of this program if you're not availing yourself of that stuff. I'm going to let Katie finish up here. I'm just going to finish real quick on the – thank you, honey. That was really good. Charlie's eight and nine is really, really solid. Mine was fairly weak, and I'm still working strong to get my group and my girls together. but you'll find also in your step work, whatever is your weakest area will also be your sponsee's weakest area because you cannot transmit something you don't have. And it'll show up. You know, it's like going into a job and taking a job that you're in over your head and all of a sudden you're there about three days and it's all showing up that you are incapable of pulling this job off. Same thing happens. So it says in the promises, one of the things that I have such a pet peeve of in meetings as we all do, right? we all have that little pet peeve that goes on in the meeting rooms is that we read the ninth step promises which are remarkable promises and then at the end it says are these extravagant promises I don't know if here they do it but in Texas they all scream we think not and it pisses me off it's like we think not did you just not read those promises so let me ask you this I want you to see how many of these you can honestly answer yes to If we are painstaking about the space of our development, we will be amazed before we're halfway through. We're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. Okay? We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Don't be answering these all too hastily because you're in a spiritual weekend. Okay? We will comprehend the word serenity. The yeses start to drop off a little bit here now, yes. and we will know peace no matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others that feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear oh you guys are answering these way too fast you do not have self-pitty in the last couple of weeks absolutely uh we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows absolutely not self-seeking will slip away yeah they start to get a little less and less now our whole attitude now look upon life will change yes on that one fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us yes no financial fears in the last few months pretty impressive We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Okay, but see, when it talks about the finances and fears will fall from us, I go, who are these people? Because, man, I work a tough program, and man, three days ago I couldn't even breathe I had so much fear behind the daughter or lose a job or all of a sudden something bizarre is happening in your home group or yada, yada and so that's one of the reasons I always like to just try to say that we've got to keep an eye on a lot of this lip service because what it does is it diminishes the importance of what we're working towards so when I hear those promises and I go you know what I have some financial fear. You know what? I have been self-seeking. I have not you know a lot OF these things self-pity? Oh my gosh I don't know about you but i can i can bathe in self-pity i really can yeah yeah but uh they are still very extravagant i think and so that i just wanted to mention that about the ninth step promises i think we got like one minute i think i think it's it's rare in this program just how many let me just see We're not going to be a tester, we're not going to report to your sponsor. How many people in the room feel like you still have amends on your sheet that could be made? Okay, so we're all talking to the same crowd here. It takes a serious effort and an ongoing effort to complete. My sponsor is one of the few people that I know that can tell you that he owes no amends to anyone. He has made every financial amends out there. That's a rare thing in his program and so you know to be a warrior for this program it takes work in all 12 steps and he's the one that talks about if you're not praying and meditating on a regular basis you're not working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're not making all of your amends, you're not working in the 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous and you know those are very uncomfortable situations but that's the kind of stuff we're trying to inspire in our newcomers. Thanks Thanks a lot.