Dignity Was Not in Her Vocabulary Until 14 Years Ago – Francine W.

Hi, good morning. My name is Francine. I'm an alcoholic. I'll have to be careful for that one. I have to tell you, I was sitting here feeling like a little tin soldier. I kept pulling my dress down and trying to find a comfortable place. I'm used to having a big table in front of me, and although I'm very much a lady, when I sit down, especially when I'm speaking, I'm so scared that I usually fan my dress because I'm really hot and I take my shoes off. And I couldn't do that sitting up here because you guys would have noticed. So I had to, like, sit there. Anyway, I am really very grateful to be here this morning. I first like to thank the committee for extending to me this loving invitation to be of service this weekend. It's a real privilege. It really is. And I'm one of those people, I have to tell you, that believes it's a privilege to do any kind of service in Alcoholics Anonymous. It doesn't matter what it is. It could be anything from picking up the ashtrays even though I do not smoke to answering a 12-step call to speaking when invited. I was taught very early in my recovery that I would never, ever be able to repay Alcoholics Anonymous or the people in it for what they've given me, ever. But I was told that it was my responsibility to try. And so on a daily basis, I like to think that I am always in service on some level, in some capacity. And I have been since I was three months sober. So I thank you so much for asking me to be a part of this weekend. And it was pretty neat last night coming in here knowing a lot of people, you know. I remember there was a time in my life when I went places and nobody knew me and they didn't really want to know me. And today it's nice to go into a room and there'll be a lot of warmth and many faces that I recognize. So thanks for making it a little nicer place for me to enter into last night. This is the first time in about eight years that I've been to Orlando. And I have to tell you, for the last two weeks I've and going around telling people, I'm going to Disney World. And that's like the little kid in me that really exists today, you know? I couldn't wait to get back to this town. I mean, when I was here eight years ago, I went to meetings at this little clubhouse that was not too far from Disney World, I came down with a girlfriend for the weekend, and we had such a ball, we went to readings and they were fun, and we went To Disney World and it was fun. And I tell you, one of the things that I remember about the meetings in this town was that the people were really nice. And some of you may think that's just the way it is in AA, but I have to tell you, I travel a lot and sometimes it's not like that. And so when I go to a place and it's really warm, I always remember. And so I've never forgotten Orlando, Florida, and it was really nice to be back here again. I'd like to welcome those of you that are relatively new to Alcoholics Anonymous and just say that you are indeed in for the most unbelievable experience of your lives. Starting on this path of recovery, you don't have a clue what's in store. You know, you just don't. And perhaps you're sitting in the room this morning saying, yeah, right, it's easy for you to say. You know maybe last night was not one of the better nights for you. Perhaps you did something yet again you said you'd never do. Maybe at home it's not so great and you're saying what's all this sobriety stuff about? But I can only say that if you become willing a day at a time to do what we suggest in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, you will find that your lives will take the kind of shape that you never ever thought possible. Ever. You will experience things that perhaps at one time you might not have even wanted to experience, but you will find as you change inside, the things you like and the things you dislike will change. I stand before you truly this morning an example of Alcoholics Anonymous, an example of recovery in the flesh. I stand before you an example of what Alcoholics Anonymous can show you how to do in your life, but more than that, I stand before you as an example, an extreme example of what it can show you how to do in your own life. Many of you know my story. Personally, I'm always blown away when people keep coming back even after hearing me. But there are a whole bunch of you in here that have heard me at different places, you know, and you know I'm a walking, talking, living miracle. I stand before you this morning as a woman that walks tall, even though I'm five foot three. I walk tall with dignity. I know what the word is. I know how to define it. I knew how to spell it. And yet when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous as 14 years ago, dignity was not in my vocabulary. Self-esteem was not in my vocabulary. About two weekends ago, I had the privilege of going to Las Vegas, Nevada, which is where I got sober. And I went back there. It was my anniversary. My anniversary was two weeks ago, Monday, July 26th. I turned 14 years sober in this program. Thank you. Thank you, that's your victory as well as mine. I went to Vegas to say thank you to those people who literally gave me life the first three years. And they've continued to because the principles I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous, I learned initially in Las Vegas. And it was really important for me to be there. You see, when people meet me today and when they speak to me and when They see me, they, they see a woman who looks reasonably okay, who sounds reasonably healthy and who for the most part is reasonably healthy. this is the image that they see a woman who because of a lot of work in this program packages herself pretty well but those people saw me 14 years ago when I called into Alcoholics Anonymous when I was not the woman I am today when I didn't look the same I didn'T smell the same I DIDN'T behave the same the language that I used to describe any and everything was quite different and so it's real important for me to see them because you know after some time in this program, when your life starts to change, it becomes easy to forget where we've come from. At least for me it does. And so every now and then when I go back to Vegas, I'm reminded of that hopeless, helpless, drunken woman who crawled into this program without a clue. And I need that. I needthat a lot. I'm 40 years old, and I love saying that from the podium. I got sober at 26, andI was lucky to see my 27th birthday. AndI like to say my age especially because i got sober or rather i grew up in a period in time when women over 30 were put out to pasture and um and i grew a believing the same crap that many women were taught you know that over 40 or over 30 you're not vital you are of no use to this society you know and you're just there and uh in sobriety i've been shown through a lot of healthy role models in Alcoholics Anonymous, women over 35, over 40, over 50, over 60. But it doesn't have to be that way. So today I think I'm the best I've ever been. I think i look better than I've ever looked. I feel better than i've ever looked or felt. I'm more spiritually connected than I ever been and that's because of you. But I was born 40 years ago in Atlanta, Georgia and I don't remember an awful lot about those very early days of my life. probably because some of the brain cells have been so destroyed I just don't remember could also be because I'm still in a state of denial and I've just chosen not to remember which is quite possible and maybe it's because too that I've come to believe in this loving God through Alcoholics Anonymous that maybe just didn't see fit for me to remember some of those things maybe it wasn't necessary but what does stand out for me about those very early days as a little kid growing up in Atlanta, Georgia was that my life was in pain and I hurt all the time, all the time. You know, when I first got sober, I came into Vegas with a lot of cowboys, these huge men with these big 10 gallon hats and these huge cowboy boots, you know, and there was nothing in the world that I could relate to with those guys. I mean, I was this hip, slick and cool New Yorker and I was black and they weren't. And it's like, whoa. But the thing that made me connect with them, when they opened up their mouths, was that they shared about feeling different. That was it. I mean, these real macho guys were talking about feeling different. And see, I understood that. I understood differentness. I understand what that felt like. Let me just forewarn you, those of you who have never heard me speak, I bring tissues up here for a reason. I grew up in the streets of New York really tough and I never ever cried because it was against my whole being. It was against who I was. You know, if I showed any sort of emotion, then you could hurt me and I never would give you that power over me. And then I got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. And as I continued to do the footwork in this program, I started to change inside. And you taught me to get in touch with who I was inside those feelings. Now the problem, of course, is that once I start crying, it just kind of keeps going and going and Going. So for anybody in here that might have a problem with tears and people that emote, you might want to excuse yourselves because usually I kind of cry a lot. But I felt different as a kid, you know. It was almost like there was a party going on somewhere. I mean, a great, big, wonderful party and I was on the outside always trying to find a way to get in. That was what my life was, you know. That's how it always felt. Like everybody was having fun and then there was me, wanting to be inside. And I suspect that most of my drinking for the next however many years it was, and even into early recovery, most of our time was spent trying to become a part of the party. I just wanted to fit. I didn't want to be better than you at that stage of the game. That came much later. I wanted to feel like I was a part of. And, you know, and I did eventually. That's exactly what happened. My family moved to New York when I was six years old and for the very first time in my life I was to experience prejudice. And I don't know if it was necessarily racial prejudice because there were so many other things going on inside of me. I think probably it was that class prejudice. You grow up in New York City and, you now, you come across a lot of people that have and then you come across a lot of people that have not and I was one of those southern kids I came to New York very poor at the time if you can possibly imagine I had very long hair with pigtails and ribbons I had a very strong southern drawl growing up in Atlanta and we used to wear hand-me-downs because that's all we could afford and the kids in New York read fun of me like you wouldn't believe you know i sometimes think back about that it's like we teach and i believe we teach our children how to be cruel you know we pass on to them our own stuff whether it's directly or indirectly and uh and i was brutalized by the kids when i was growing up in new york as a little kid and so it was no wonder that eventually i would find something to get out of that pain the pain of being in my own skin you know it was almost like i always wanted to kind of zip myself out of my skin and just step outside, you know, because I couldn't stand being there. If there was anyone looking at me as a very small child, anybody who was sensitive to pain and sensitive to children, they probably knew at some stage of my little life I was going to find something to make the pain go away. It didn't matter what it was, but just something to making me feel better about who I was inside. And I did. My earliest escape in life was literature and the silver screen. I loved books and I loved all movies. and I can tell you I wasn't very good at reading because I just wasn't but I could manage to open up a book and glean whatever it was that I was supposed to get out of it and boy I tell you when I picked up those books between the binders I became Cinderella it was fabulous I became somebody so special that it didn't matter what you thought of me it didn' t matter what you though of me it didn''t matter what I thought of you when I started to read my life changed and it was the same way with the movies I loved old movies. I loved women like Betty Davis and Joan Crawford and Barbara Stanwyck and Susan Hayward. Those were my idols. Women that had a glass in one hand and they had a cigarette in the other hand. And I can assure you they didn't take too much crap off anybody. And I needed that. You know, I was this little kid with this huge hole in her gut and I just wanted to feel better. That was all. You know I used to hear men when I first got sober talk about their role models being George Raft and Humphrey Bogart and John Wayne and you know all the real tough guys I mean I understood that I understood that because inside I felt that same way I needed something sort of like a raft boat and that's what those role models were all about I have to tell you that I learned how to do a lot of the things I learned how to do as a young woman by watching Betty Davis when I used to smoke I learned how to hold my cigarette and puff it the right way I learned how to drink and I would have my pinky stuck out when I held my glass as I still do today I'd watch Betty Davis walk and I'd look at myself in a full-length mirror and I would strut across the room I mean, I was a character but that's how I learned how to behave those were my role models today, through the grace of God and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous my role levels are very different and some of them are women that sit in this audience right now you know, women that have shown me by example how to behavior differently how to dress differently how to speak differently how to carry myself differently as a woman that's what I've learned in this program I've learned it from doing the work a day at a time. I found books and movies to be very effective until they just stopped working. And then it was about the age of 14 when instead of taking me away from the pain of growing up in my own reality, first in the South and then in the south Bronx in New York, what started to happen for me was my reality started to be more clear. You know, I couldn't escape anymore by reading. I couldn't escape anymore by looking at the movies because eventually the movie stopped and eventually the book ended and then I was left with me just as I had been left with my life and it became easy to get caught up in chemicals after that because being a product of the 60s everybody was doing it from the age of 14 until the age 26 years old there was not a day that went by that I didn't use something to enhance the way I felt there was no single day that passed by. I eventually, because of drugs and alcohol, became the kind of woman alcoholic that was vile and that was wretched. I became the type of woman that compromised herself on a daily basis because of booze and drugs. This is Alcoholics Anonymous and I respect this program and I got sober here so I don't focus on drugs but it's really important that I acknowledge that I was a garbage can, and I used anything, anything I possibly could to take me away from the pain of who I was. Being black, being a woman, growing up poor, eventually living the kind of life that was so wretched. Drinking and using drugs took me away. There's a wonderful saying that I picked up in this program, and it's not conference approved, I might add, but it's something I picked up. It's called Better Living Through Chemistry, and that pretty much describes how i lived every day better living through chemistry my life was up and it was down i mean i was like a yo-yo between drugs and alcohol something to bring me up something to level me out something to pick me up just a tad bit more you know it's no wonder i made it here at 26 years old my insides were burnt out they were burnt down there were times when uh i would be out in the streets of new york doing whatever it was i felt the need to be doing uh to support my habits and I remember I'd come home and sometimes I'd take showers just to take the dirt off, you know just to scrub it off and I know there's some of you in this room that have come from that dark place some of me that did things due to your drinking and using that you vowed you'd never ever share with another human being you know, you vowged you'd go to your grave before you ever told someone else where you had come from that's the place I had come form due to drugs and alcohol I came from a place that was so horrific I couldn't face it myself for the most part I couldn't look at myself in the mirror as a woman because I didn't feel like one I felt dirty all the time and the times I'd come home I'd just scrub and I'd scrub and sometimes I'd have abrasions on my skin I'd hurt myself so badly because I'd try to get that dirt off and for those of you that have been there you know the dirt that I was trying to take off was not that surface dirt it wasn't the dirt that a little soap and water would remove it wasn'T the dirt that pretty clothes and a lot of fragrance would make disappear The kind of dirt that I was trying to scrape off my skin every day of my life as a practicing woman alcoholic was the kind of guilt that was attached to the inside. It's the kindofdirt that says if you lie down with scum, that's what you become. You know, I used to pride myself in Alcoholics Anonymous when I was new by saying, oh, I use to hang out with some of those people. Well, my sponsor reminded me that if I was hanging out with them, I was one of them. You know? It's never that I wanted to associate with those people, but I just found myself uptown or in that dope house or in an after-hours spot or with that kind of person. The fact is, if I was finding myself with that kind of a person as often as I was, I was that kind a person. And it took many years in this program for me to get to a place where I started to feel clean all over because I started doing the things in my life that made me feel clean. It took me a long time. You see, when I first came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I thought it would just happen. I thought that now that I wasn't drinking it would just change but I can tell you and I'm sure many of you already know it if you don't do the work you don' t get the results you get out of this deal what you put into it and in early recovery I was still doing a lot of the same things and I was getting a lot of the samethings back in 1978 I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous against my will I was introduce to this program through a therapist and I might say just for myself As anything I share from this podium, what I share is my own experience. It has been what's worked for me. It's what I find is effective in this program. I have not found it necessary to seek therapy or any other kind of assistance outside of the 12 steps in the 14 years I'm sober. Everything you see today, everything I have, everything that I do, everything I feel, everything i dream, everything I dare to dream, I've gotten from the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. But it was a therapist that brought me into this program And she suggested to me that I had an allergy to alcohol. Well, if you tell an alcoholic of my type that they have an allergy to alcohol that's like an open invitation for someone to do the most ridiculous thing they could possibly do and that's what I did. I ran out and I got this allergy test because she told me I was allergic. And you think it's about the most religious thing or the most dangerous thing too. I do. But all that says to you is just what kind of denial I was in. And this was 15 years ago when I was first introduced to the program. I was a total state of denial. And I love our little pamphlet that comes out, The Merry-Go-Round of Denial, because I think it was written for people like me, people who came in and wanted a desperate excuse to not identify with what was going on in Alcoholics Anonymous. I like to say often when I first start meetings, and I didn't today, that my story, and I believe that my story is a story of hope. Often people say to me, Francine, I think you have the perfect woman's story. And I suspect they say that because I'm a woman, but I've come to believe that it's a people story. You know? And I know that if there's someone in the room that wants a reason to identify out they will find it. I mean, most of this room consists of white people. So if you want a reason, right there is one. I'm black and if you don't want to relate to me there you go. um about half the room consists of men so if you want another reason not to identify with anything i share there you go again you know and i'm 40 and i suspect most of you are either younger or older than i am uh so this program taught me if i want reasons to not identify with what people are sharing i can always find them always hair color eye color long nails no nails you know but if i run a reason to connect with your hearts i can alway find that too you've taught me that there's always a way to connect. And my heart's so open today, thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, I find ways to connect with people. And I like when people find ways to connect avec me. But in the beginning I didn't want to find ways to connect you guys and I didn t. In 78 after she suggested I had this allergy and that I go to AA meetings, I started going but there was a catch and the catch for me was I did not stop drinking and using drugs. I continued to show up to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous in New York City. And I have to just say that in the event there's anybody in this room this morning who's still drinking, it is okay. It is okay, we are glad you're here. You know, some of us don't stop right away. It took me two years to make a year and I'm grateful to say that today I'm a member in good standing and for a long time I have been. But when you knew that I was drinking and coming to meetings, and I knew that you knew even though you never told me if you would have said Francine you cannot come here we don't want your type here had you told me that I might not be sober today but because you loved me anyway I'm here and I'm an example of what recovery is about and so if there's anybody in this room this morning who just can't stop drinking yet I mean even though you keep trying you just can'T stop drinking we are so glad you're here and we hope you keep coming back. I have to also say that if you think we don't know you're drinking, think again. We know you can smell vodka through the pores. So just keep coming back. At the end of 1978, I started going to meetings and then I moved to Las Vegas in November on what we endearingly like to call in Alcoholics Anonymous a geographic. I went out looking for what I thought was the pot of gold. You know, everybody runs to Vegas thinking they're going to find a million bucks under a rock somewhere. And I was no different. I went up because, you know, because as had always been my pattern, I thought that if I physically removed myself from what I felt was the problem, and New York was the problem, that I would be a better person. Never dawned upon me that whenever I traveled somewhere, I carried the baggage with me, that I was the trouble. and so I went out to Vegas with the same bad attitude that I had had and doing the same things that I was doing when I was in New York and then it took about nine months for a God that I did not even believe in at the time to just say enough is enough and in July of no, in June of 1979 I got hit by a car on a blackout and to date I don't remember what happened I am totally incapable of separating fact from fancy I have imagined the worst and I don't have a clue all I know because of what was told to me by the police and the doctor that eventually took care of me I was told that I was found in a street in the opposite direction from my house on Paradise Road and I had been hit by a car and they didn't think I was going to live because I was just lying in the street and when they realized I was gonna live they never ever thought I'd walk again ever because my left leg when they found me had come up behind my head and the bone had come straight through and I walk around with this very attractive tenant scar and I don't hide it. I wear short skirts, I wear shorts, I wore bathing suits. Mainly, I guess I don' t hide it because I don''t ever want to forget. You know, I don ''t want to forgot the price I had to pay to stand up here this morning. But I have to tell you, and I know there are some of you in this room that know it, no mere car accident is enough to stop a woman on a mission. It just doesn''t happen like that. one would think that being hit by a car being unable to function I was on crutches for almost my entire first year of sobriety one would thing that that's enough to make you stop but it wasn't because I was sick and I was suffering and I wasn't an alcoholic and I couldn't stop drinking I was 26 years old and I could not stop drinking didn't matter that I had to it didn't matter that i couldn't go out and get the booze myself but i had to have someone get it for me i couldn'T stop drinking there was a man who lived in the complex where i lived in las vegas who i hated with a passion and he hated me equally as much uh but we were we had this symbiotic relationship i had the money and he had the legs and he would go get my booze for me every day and i really hated this guy because he used to sell his plasma to to get money to buy booze i mean i thought what a low life i mean how far down do you have to go you go and get sell your blood and your plasma to get Money for Booze i mean it didn't seem to dawn upon me what the hell i was selling you know to uh to pull for booze that didn't seemed to matter but we had his real sick relationship, and it worked for about a month and a half. And then what we call in Alcoholics Anonymous that moment of clarity, it hit me, you know? One moment I came to. I came too in an apartment, and I'd like to just share my last drunk, not because it was my worst, but because it really speaks to where I've come from and how far I had to go. I was living in this beautiful complex in Vegas called Las Palmas, and that's exactly what it was. It was beautiful. It had all palm trees all over the place, about 22 acres of foliage. And I was in a garden apartment, and right outside of my door was a little brook, and they used to keep little ducklings inside, and it was so lovely. You know, when I was back there two weeks ago, I drove by just to remember what the old apartment looked like and it was still beautiful and inside of my apartment it had the potential of being really gorgeous i mean it was beautiful two bedrooms with paneling and wall-to-wall carpeting and stucco walls and it wasn't wonderful or it could have been but instead what you found when you walked into my apartment was um was a barren room you know and you were knocked in in the face by the smell of animal waste and human waste because at the end of my drinking I was so pathetic. I couldn't take care of myself. And on this particular morning, I had come to after going to the doctor the day before and he refusing to take my cast off. I mean, I couldn' t understand it. My leg hadn' t healed. And I couldn''t figure out how come my leg hadn''t healed. I mean, I was drinking a ton of booze every day. You know, a compound fracture, but my leg hadn't healed and I was really upset at the doctor. And I came to this morning about 3 o'clock in the morning in this apartment with my crutches on one side of the room, my door wide open. I was lying in the nude in my own waist. And I just never want to forget that image. Because you see, I am not that person today. i am so far removed from that woman it is unbelievable and you've done that for me you've told me that now when i look back on that i look back on it with sadness perhaps because that was a different person but it's not who i am today and i picked up the phone and i called alcoholic synonymous the next morning and And that was about five days later, excuse me. But I didn't drink those five days in between. And then I called Alcoholics Anonymous and I haven't had a drink since. And I'd like to think that that was my last first drink in this program. Or my last First Meeting in this Program. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and because of the path I had taken one would think that I would have embraced it with open arms you would have thought that I was going to be that I wouldn't have been willing to be the perfect little Miss AA because I would not have wanted to go back to that horrible life that I lived you know and I need to say too that the life was horrible because I was an alcoholic who compromised herself you know by the end of my drinking i had long since seen poverty as i had when i was a child i found a way out of that i was living on the upper east side of manhattan i was wearing diamonds and furs i was frequenting all the right places the men in my life were men that were very wealthy and very powerful and all they asked for me from me it was my soul you know that's all they and they got it. I got all the bubbles I wanted and they got me, you know. But boy, by the time I came in here I realized that it didn't matter that I was no longer on 110th Street and 8th Avenue. It didn't matter that I was now on 58th and 2nd. The stuff I did was the same stuff. The clothes I wore were different. The places I frequented were different The people that I did it with were a little different but the stuff inside of me was all the same was still that dirty stuff inside. I have not picked up a drink or drug since I came in here in July of 1979, and for that I am so grateful. You know, I often say to newcomers that what was said to me, you know, don't give up before the miracle. You Know, we come in in the beginning and it is so hard to get sober because we're called forth to do the complete opposite of what we're accustomed to doing. Not drink and use drugs and learn how to live differently. But I can only say that if you become willing to get through the beginning stages of not picking up, the gifts are innumerable. They are. But in the beginning my attitude was so bad I'll tell you, I almost picked up. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and I sat on the side of the room with the people who said honey all you have to do is come in and take up a seat and you'll get this thing through osmosis i don't even know what osmoses meant and then when i found out what it meant it was like music to my ears oh my god you mean to tell me i don'T have to do any work i just have to sit in a seat AND THAT'S IT you mean if i roll up next to someone with a lot of sobriety i have it like that i like those people you know the ones who said honey just come and take a seat i didn't want to hear people like my eventual sponsor who said I don't think so she said if you want what we have then Francine you do what we do to get it she said Francine it's not a mistake that in the big book of alcoholics synonymous there is an entire chapter called into action she said it's Not an accident that in that chapter you're going to find most of our 12 steps discussed she said furthermore it's not a mistake that in that chapter you're going to find the promises she said if you want to experience the promises that alcoholics anonymous will give you then you've got to get into action i don't want to do that stuff it was easy for me to sit back and feel victimized poor me if you had my life and you'd behave this way too you know i'd sit and i'd take up three seats in what i endearingly like to call the inventory section and um and i did just that I took up three seats, one for my body, one for my leg and one for me crutches and I would just slice people apart. That was more fun than doing the footwork you know, trying to be spiritual I couldn't stand men I have to tell you, when I got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous I had a real problem with men and yet you would never have believed it because I was always attached to some man, you know and a day at a time through the 12 steps of AlcoholicsAnonymous as I've learned to walk through lots of other things in my life I've learned how to work through the baggage I came in here with regarding men and I am so grateful to say that among my closest friends are men but the people I really despise the most were the women those were the ones that I really didn't like and I mean that comprised at least a large segment of any meeting I went to you know I couldn't stand the women that stood up to the podium and a day at a time said just for today i behave differently just for today through alcoholics anonymous my life has changed and i don't act the way i used to act i didn't like the women who said just for today I don't sleep with other people's husbands just for today i don' t sleep with people's boyfriends and justify that it's not their husband you know i didn' t like the woman who said just for today i dont choose to use a four letter word or just for today I choose to dress appropriate for the occasion. See, I couldn't stand women like that because you see, I was still doing all those things in my first two years. I was still sleeping with other people's husbands. I was still sleeping without a boyfriend saying, well, it's not their husband, so what? I was still coming to AA meetings with hot pants up to my tush and see-through blouses and I couldn�t figure out how come people looked at me like they did. You know, it didn't dawn upon me that perhaps the way I was carrying myself had something to do with it. My sponsor consistently said to me, Francine, self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. She said if you behave like a whore, you will be treated like one. It's that simple. She says if you dress like a hooker, then that's the way people will respond to you. She said, if every other word that comes out of your mouth is a four-letter word, then don't be surprised with the responses you get. She added, self esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. That didn't click for me at first, because you see, I didn't know how to behave any other way. I mean, on the outside it might have been okay, but my behavior was always the same. And I used to say, Louise, I don't know what to do. She said, a day at a time, follow the suggestions. Follow the black letters in the blue book. She says, that's how you'll learn what to do you know a day at a time i've been doing that uh a day of the time my life has changed so much it's unbelievable i am a woman that walks with dignity today because i behave differently you know i know how to act you know recently i was in new york last weekend for a board meeting i'm i'm involved in all kinds of service through alcoholics anonymous you've given me the privilege to be active and I sit on the grapevine board and periodically I have to go back to New York which is about as close as I would like to get to it these days and I went back for a meeting last week and across the table this woman said to me you are such a lady and I just got taken aback for a moment you know mainly because I know that it's true today see I know but it's sure there's no false humility here I know I am a lady today because I carry myself that way. You have taught me how to do that. You taught me that it's the way I communicate who I am that gives you the impression of who I is. If I dress a certain way, that's how I'm treated. Today I don't do a lot of the things I used to do. I learned how to clean up my mouth in Alcoholics Anonymous. Every other word out of my mouth was a four letter word and I have to say too that whenever I say that people immediately think I'm saying that they shouldn't curse i don't care who curses for me it's become important not to use profanity just for myself self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts is what i was taught you know i used to use a lot of four letter words because i didn't know any other words you know and also because quite honestly i used TO GET A LOT OF REINFORCEMENT negative though it may have been but i got a lot OF REENFORCEMENT in aa meetings every time i cursed you know every time I cursed everybody would laugh you know and that was kind of wonderful for me a kid who came up with no reinforcement so having negative was better than none at all and then my sponsor taught me that you may have people laughing and it seemed like they're all with you but the fact is when you go home by yourself you're in your own skin and she said if you want to have the whole crowd agreeing and laughing with you or if you wanna feel better about yourself as a woman then you take the right road and so just for today a day at a time I choose to use other language to communicate how I feel. I dress differently. I dress appropriate for the occasion. I wear shorts when it's warm weather and when I should wear shorts. I wear a dress when I should wear a address. And I have to tell you, I just started hemming my dresses because of what I had to go through and because of the path I've chosen to take in recovery for most of my sobriety until about a year ago, my dresses were down to my calf. You know, that was sort of an extreme. But for this alcoholic who had come from a place slut them, I had to learn how to really behave differently and dress differently. Today I've shortened them a little, like a little girl. When I was two years sober, everything changed. Just everything changed for me. And it was at that stage as well that I realized that I wanted something more out of my life. I was so unhappy at two years. It was at about that time that I was forced into taking my own inventory, and I underscore mine. I was good at taking yours all the time, but never accustomed to cleaning my own house. And out of that inventory came two very important things. One was my mother. My mother was a woman that I hated all of my life. I mean, all of me life. Excuse me. I would cringe when people would say to me, you look like her or you sound like her on the telephone. It was so painful for me to acknowledge that I just couldn't stand it. And for a couple of years, I had to put my mother on the shelf because of me. And then my sponsor taught me that, and it came out of my fourth step as I was blaming my mother for everything that had happened to me. My sponsor taught мне that my mother really did the best she could with what she had. You know, it was easy to come into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and bash her because again, that made good copy in meetings too. But while I was beating up on her for not being the perfect mother, it seemed to have slipped my mind that I wasn't the perfect daughter and that I was the alcoholic. You know, granted, I wasnít raised in the greatest environment, but I had a sponsor, thank God, who took the risk to tell me at some point, Francine, you needed to learn how to take responsibility for yourself. You could blame her all you wanted, but at some time, you need to take the responsibility for what you made of your life. And boy, that stung me. See, I had a lifetime investing on blaming people. One of the things I love that Clancy says is that he talks about how we can get rid of guilt through Alcoholics Anonymous. He said, we can either choose the route of working through the 12 steps to get rid OF the guilt, or we can find somebody to blame. And it always lessens the pain. And that's what I did. I found my mother to blame, among other people. All those men, they forced me to take all that money. You know, it was my mother's fault. the war in Vietnam, the government, always somebody. And you know I realized as long as I hated my mother I was totally incapable of having a healthy relationship with anybody be it a man or a woman because it was always me, Rose and whoever else it was. It was impossible for me to have a healthy relationship. And when I became willing a day at a time to change my attitude about how I viewed my mother things changed. I can tell you today didn't plan that she and I would enjoy the relationship we share today. I only wanted to get that albatross called resentment away from around my neck, because it was strangling me. But what happened in the interim, as I continued to do the work in Alcoholics Anonymous, my mother became my best friend. And today she is a person that I love so much. You've given me that. You helped me change sufficiently so that I was willing not always to pick out her character flaws i mean she's still not a perfect person but then neither am i but today i focus on her wonderful characteristics and we get along and when we don't we don t you know but the other real important thing that was sort of tied up in that was uh the realization that i was not a victim that's the other thing that is really important that came out of my fourth step that I was not a victim and I'm going to tell you that was the most difficult pill I have ever had to swallow in my life because I truly had an investment in being a victim I'm black I'm a woman I grew up poor and I led a very colorful life so I believed that I had a right to feel the way I felt poor me look at what they did to me and I can only say that Alcoholics Anonymous does not say you can't feel that way you know thank god i had a sponsor who kept saying to me over and over again francine it is all right if you don't want to do anything in this program she said you don'T have to go to meetings you DON'T have TO do service you DON'T HAVE to change your attitude you DONT even have to not drink but she said understand that if you choose to continue to do what you'VE been doing you will continue to get what you've been getting she said if you want to behave differently if you want an alternative to the way you've BEEN living we can help you with that but you'VE got to do the work a day at a time to no longer see myself as a victim and that has been a very difficult process because that meant first i had to learn how to take care of myself i had become self supporting through my own contributions what a novel idea you know you mean i couldn't have anybody paying my rent oh my god i i mean i wasn't used to that because i had very expensive taste and I couldn't afford it you know well that means that meant I had to change my taste that's what she said until I was in a position to afford what I wanted or she said I could continue to do what I had been doing but I would get what I had been getting so two years sobriety I decided I was going to go back to school to pursue a career that was going to require about 10 years of a commitment and I can tell you I could neither spell nor define the word commitment you know it's really sad when I got in here um i had a serious problem with reading and and i suspect most of it had to do with the fact that i didn't go to school when i was out there you know i hung out and played with the boys i was on drugs and booze so i suspect part of the brain cells had been destroyed so by the time i came in here i could hardly read you know i could hardy read i couldn't read too well as a kid when i used to get through those books but over the years between drugs and alcohol i really had a problem i couldn' t pronounce certain words, like anonymity, and I was so ashamed when they'd give me the traditions to read. Instead of saying, would you help me pronounce a word, I'd storm out of the room like a malcontent. You know, and people just thought I was bad. It wasn't that. I had so much pride, I was ashamed to tell you I couldn't read. But at this stage in my life, I became willing to try. And I used to have a dictionary next to me when I was reading through the big book of the 12 and 12, as my sponsor suggested. And when I couldn't pronounce words, I'd learn how to pronounce them. And I prayed to God for answers because I didn't know what I wanted to do. And then I decided I wanted to pursue this career and I studied. I went back to school at two years sober. I started in Las Vegas, Nevada. Went to UNLV for a year in 1981 and then I moved back to New York in 82. Put myself through college. Worked full-time. Went to school full time and went to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous every single day. And I stress that because all too often I see newcomers coming around today who start to flex their little AA muscles, you know, between the dangerous years of one and five. You know, they go back to school. They're in the right relationship. They have the right job. All of a sudden nobody has time to go to meetings. And then you hear them in meetings if they even show up at all. And the sickness, the disease comes through. And my sponsor told me consistently never to forget how I was able to be in school in the first place. She said, who the hell did I think I was? I couldn't even get past first base when I was out there. I should think that I wouldn't go to meetings, my very lifeblood. So I showed up in meetings every day and did service. And I was tired a lot, but I showed up. And then in 1986, I moved down to Washington, D.C. to complete my education. And in 1989, I moved back from D.c. to New York, having graduated from one of the top law schools in this country. And I can tell you that means a whole bunch to me. I'm a kid who used to pay lawyers a lot of money to keep her out of jail. And today I stand before you, a member in good standing of the New York State Bar, you know. Who would have thought? Thank you, my lady. Thank you. You did that for me. You got me through 10 years of a grueling experience. You taught me what it was like to be disciplined and to have courage and to be a woman. And to have faith throughout that entire period. And I'd like to tell you when I graduated from Georgetown in 89 and moved back to New York that I was on this wonderful little cloud and everything was perfect and I never had to worry about anything else. The reality is a lot of you have heard my story and it has been a struggle a day at a time for the last four years. I sat for the New York bar on my 10th anniversary and I had my chip in my left hand and I wrote the exam with my right and I failed the test. The most devastating thing that could have happened to me was that I should fail the bar and not find employment and not only did it happen once but it happened twice I was devastated and then I sat for the New York Bar for the third time and I'll tell you the only way I was able to show up for that test three times was because of you and Alcoholics Anonymous all over this country oh thank you all over the world all over in this country it's ironic how I started to speak around the country the 4th of July weekend after I graduated from law school it was really ironic because you know I needed support all over this country to get through these exams and God gave it to me in the form of people like you all over this country that's how I showed up for the test for the third time then I made the mistake or then you made the mistakes of telling me that I could have anything I wanted still why did you tell me that you know you made me a go-getter you know and so I decided after I got through the New York by that I wanted to sit for yet another exam and I didn't even want to move I just wanted to take another exam to see if I could do it and I sat for California like one of the other really difficult exams New York, California and Florida are among the three most difficult tests and I tell you I will not sit for Florida but I won't put myself through that again but I sat from California and I failed it and I SAT for it again and I FAILED IT and I sat for it for the third time and I failed it again. I got the news two months ago right before I left New York the day before I left Newark that I failed at California for the 3rd time and I can tell you that it does not get easier to fail tests. It just does not. The only thing that happens today is I am stronger inside and I am and I can go do it again and so I'll sit for that test in february you know sometimes i wonder why i have to keep going through things and and i suspect one of the reasons is because uh god thinks i'm supposed to be a role model however i'm tired of being a role role model you know i don't want to be anybody's inspiration anymore i'd like to get through the damn bar but you know I keep showing up because of what You've given me an alcoholic synonymous. You know, I was one of those people that God knows I wouldn't try anything because I was afraid of failing. I knew that if I started a task and I wasn't good and I failed, then that was a reflection on who I was as a person. And I didn't want to go through that pain, so it was easier not to do it. It was easier to sit back on the sidelines and laugh at the people who were trying to do something different with their lives. And boy, that was me. I used to laugh at Sally over there every time she failed a test or I'd laugh at Jim who couldn't get through this and I'd laughed at that one who seemed to be having a tough time studying in school. You know why I laughed? Because I didn't have the guts to get out there and do it myself. And now through Alcoholics Anonymous I have the cuts. I get up and I show up. I don't always like the fact that I have to keep showing up but I do it. Today I have become an active participant in the creation of my own life. no longer do I stand by on the sidelines waiting for you to do it for me no longer did I stand by on a sidelines waiting for a man to do it for me today I'm self-supporting through my own contributions and I show up for my own life I don't I made a conscious choice not to sit for the exam last week the California bar was given the week before last and I just moved to Los Angeles a little under two months ago because I decided I wanted something different in my life and I decided i would not take it in in July because I really wanted to have an opportunity to settle into LA of being a new environment for me although I know some people it's still new you know what I'm still settling in and I'm it's kind of tough you know you move clear across the country but you allowed me to do that even you know I was becoming increasingly unhappy in New York the last year. And New York has been my most favorite city all of my life. I love New York City with a passion. No matter what I say about it, I love New York. But the last years, something was starting to happen inside of me. And I don't know what it was other than I like to think I was just growing on another level. My heart was opening up a little bit more than it had been opened up before. And some of the things that I used to find wonderful about the city were starting to become distasteful. I like people, and I've discovered that in Alcoholics Anonymous. I like being around people, and I like Being Friendly. And it's hard for me to be in an environment sometimes where people are not, when there's so many people that are not friendly. And so I made a decision about a year ago that I wanted to move to California. and you gave me the courage to take the steps necessary to make that happen. Even before I moved out to L.A., I had started going out often and I created a network for myself. I found a home group. I found a sponsor. My sponsor in Los Angeles is now the woman who inspired me into becoming a lawyer, June Gee, and maybe some of you know her from West Los Angeles. I found a network you know a little environment that was comfortable for me while i don't consider myself a member it's not my home group yet but i'm a member a regular member of the pacific group in los angeles um but the group i consider my home Group is a small little morning meeting in the pacific palisades and you know that's what i've been doing regularly communicating with people out there to make it comfortable for myself and it's really hard to make the change but in Alcoholics Anonymous you've allowed me to do that. But I want to share one of the really difficult things that I had to experience last year that you helped me get through and it's just to let anybody know that, you know, we come into sobriety and it doesn't promise us that we're going to be on this path and it's going to perfect whatever perfect may mean for you. What has been promised to me is that no matter what happens, no matter what comes down the pike i'm going to be able to get through it no matter what if i do the work in alcoholics anonymous i underscore the work you know i can get through failing exams i can get through relationships i can Get through family relations i can get through anything if i'm willing to do the work and last year i had to do for me what was the most painful thing that i have ever experienced in my sobriety be even greater than failing bar exams when i first got sober i came in here totally self-absorbed totally self centered and i didn't know what love was about um love meant money or money meant love to me you know i i didnít know what it meant to really care for a thing or a person or anything and uh god gave me the gift of animals throughout my life precious precious animals perhaps what Iím going to share may be too much for newcomers and it may be too much for those of you that are too sober. But the gift of animals has been very, very important. It's been an integral part of my learning how to love. I came into recovery with two cats, Jason and Athena, and they watched me get sober. I was a neglectful parent, and in recovery I made amends to them both. And then last year, my Persian of 16 years, I had to put to sleep last February. And it was the most painful day of my sobriety. I had to put my friend to sleep. I vowed after that I wouldn't get another animal because it was too painful to love something and have it leave you, like people, you know? But because you have changed me sufficiently and because my heart has been opened, not only did I go out and get one more, I went out and got two more. And I had three cats in my house that bring me great joy that I love, Dusty Spike who's a little girl and Athena and and that's who I am today I'm a woman who has everything my life is so abundant mainly because I have love in my heart and I have sobriety my life is so abundant you know when I was newly sober I was invited to make a list of all the things I wanted out of sobrietry and it's so sad had you seen that list you would have known the kind of person I was. On that list, there were all the things that I had lost due to my drinking, all the material things, because that was all that was important to me. Nothing else mattered. The fur coats, the diamond rings, the stereo sets. Those were important things. You would have never seen things on my list like self-esteem, like courage, like discipline, like friendships, like faith, like a willingness to walk through the tough times you would have never seen those things on my list because they were not important to me and yet those have become the greatest gifts of my recovery I am so grateful to be sober and alcoholic synonymous I am very grateful I am also grateful to today have a God in my life you gave that God to me my God is very different from the God that I came in with the God of my childhood was the God of hellfire and brimstone and when I came here I didn't want to know from that God. You know, it was that old man on top of the mountain with a long beard mandating what I should do with my life. I didn' t want that at all. And over the years, my God has drastically changed. I went from finally believing in a God but then not wanting it to be a he. So I was real clear at AA meetings that my God was a she. And I made sure you all knew that. And then I got to a place in my recovery where it was really comfortable for me to understand that God was neutral. My God is no longer a he and it is not a she. It's my creator. When I said the Lord's Prayer, it is my creator and I just need to say for myself it was very important that my God was no longer a man because of the baggage I came in here with surrounding men. I needed to see men as peers not as some entity better than me and even though I had always just said God is he, I realized later in my life there was a connection there. why all my relationships were tip-top you know not even men were always up there and i was always down here and now that my god is my creator my male friends are right here with me we're on the same level we're unpar that's what alcoholics anonymous has given me healthy relationships a god that works a willingness to show for myself and the dignity that comes from doing the footwork in this program I thank you so much for my recovery and in closing I just want to read something from AA approved literature for those of you that are AA purists it's a short passage and I like to end my talks with this because this is really who I am today it's entitled Can We Choose and it's from As Bill Sees It one of our wonderful pieces of AA literature it's an amazing it's treasure trove of wonderful things and this is entitled can we choose? It's on page four. We must never be blinded by the futile philosophy that we are just the hapless victims of our inheritance, of our life experience, and of our surroundings. That these are the sole forces that make our decisions for us. This is not the road to freedom. We have to believe that we can really choose. And that's what you've given me in Alcoholics Anonymous, the gift of choice. You've taught me that it doesn't matter where I've come from, it doesn't matter what color I am, what gender I am whether I have or I have not. It doesn't matter where have come from at all. That the only thing that matters is where I'm going and you provided me with 12 steps of recovery to make that road just a little bit brighter. Thank you for my sobriety.