DeAndre M. on the Psychic Change, Effective Sponsorship, and the Boat Metaphor – Deandre M.

Please join me in welcoming tonight's main speaker, DeAndre M. from Glendale. My name is DeAndres and I'm an alcoholic. Wow! We are really moving in a groove and I am not going to stop talking when that goddamn bell rings either. Good to be sober. I want to thank you. What's your name again? Jan. for inviting me to speak by way of one of my old sponsees that has recently dumped my ass, Josh. So I'm glad he booked this gig before he told me to go to hell. I also want to welcome the new people. New people. I saw a lot of new people on the break when I walked up. I see new people floating around. This program does not work without new people Alcoholics have been staying sober for years. But without this new people thing, we don't stand a chance of keeping AA going. My sobriety date is May the 29th, 1991. If you turn to add that up, that's a little over 17 years of sobriery. And I'm grateful to be sober. I got sober at a place called Warm Springs Rehabilitation Center. and before I got there I grew up in a town called Watts as you can see there are some similarities with Ray Ray and I he is from Compton, I am from Watts no pun intended there, I'm sorry we supposed to look at the similarities rather than the differences and my different ass showed up at that rehab pathetically ill and very, very out of it. I didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of and I was pretty much a dead man talking. But what happened to me in that rehab is AA. They had no problem introducing us to this program. We went to meetings all day long and I loved the meetings. The minute I went in there, I was like, wow, this is great, you know? And then people started talking about total abstinence. And that kind of screwed me up a little bit. I mean, I always like to talk. I always like to pontificate on feeling and go through a lot of things in discussion. We're going to discuss things. Particularly our drunk-a-log. And I just thought that was great. Sitting up all night talking about how we couldn't manage and control something that was going to inevitably kill us. Yippee! What a great time! and that's what they did in there and I like that, I just like it yeah we are going to talk about how drunk we got and who's doing it to us and looking out and seeing all of you people here I want to thank my friends who came come up here with me I don't go and speak alone because I'm very arrogant and I don' know how to fight so might start a little trouble tonight I'm a stickler. I've been sober since my first meeting so far. So that's primarily what this pitch is going to be about, about how to not leave here. And what happened in that rehab and dealing with this recovery thing, it just sort of scared me a little bit because they really were talking about not drinking. And when I was new, it just seemed like they were always talking about how I was thinking. I had no idea that these people were really talking about staying sober, you know. And then I heard one cat say, I'm here staying sober one day at a time. And I thought to myself, well shit, that means we can get loaded tomorrow then, shit, you know, so the heat's off a little bit and what I, I've always looked for a drink in the situation. Now, I'll sit and play games with you, but the bottom line is without a psychic change Anybody got any alcohol on them? I mean, when we're all done talking. And what happened is I left that rehab and I went to a little town called Lancaster, California. And much like the sea of you here tonight, it always feels good to represent the black community so well. And I went through Lancaster and I met a man there named Dennis Lee. and he caught me after a meeting and he started talking to me about the first three steps in our program and I told him that not only did I probably need a sponsor but I had already done steps one, two, and three in rehab I had completed my step packet so I really didn't need to get too far into this thing that ended the flying blind period because I wasn't blind I could see clearly now that the alleged pain was gone. You know, and he continued to talk to me and he told me some things that made me believe that I didn't know what he knew about the first three steps. And he tricked me. He is an insurance salesman for 20 years. He read two sentences into my bullshit. And he nabbed me, you know, and he got me and he just reeled me in. And he told be, you may know a lot about steps one, two, and three. you probably are even ready for your inventory. But you need to learn what I know about Steps 1, 2, and 3. Trying to pass that message on to me. So I bought into it, and I got involved with that group. And I became so involved in that group that it just felt uncomfortable not being a part of it. My mind had started changing. Not only about staying sober, but about not having to get drunk again. and some people don't believe there's a difference in that I'll have a little bit of time to talk to you after the meeting about it we go into the movies but I'm telling you this stuff has worked from the very start and that goes for you too Nomeni how many times you have tried to begin it works from the Very Start and we got to let people know that man and I'm talking loud because people come in and out of here and they claim that they can't hear us you're not going to have a problem with that tonight it works from the very start you know and it's just like my alcoholism is constant it's it's constantly looking for a way to not have recovery as a part of my way of doing life and it'll use other people places and things to get that accomplished i'm really in danger you knowand when i wake up in the morning i ask god to keep me sober I've been doing that for several years now. And the reason why I do that, in spite of how well I can talk, is I'm not really good with the walk part. I don't know if anybody in here can relate to that. Y'all look pretty nice tonight. But I have trouble kind of walking this stuff sometimes, and my higher power can keep me sober with His grace anyway. I just put forth effort as much as I can. I can't do it as best as you can. I do it a lot better than you can do it. I do as much As I Can. I want to read something to you real quick to get this annoyance thing going. Talk about page 98 in the chapter, Working With Others. And it says, burn the idea into the consciousness of any man. A lot of times we mean human in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I acknowledge women in our fellowship. That he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trusts God and clean house. And a lot of times when I go to the meetings, I hear a lot about my brothers and sisters sharing about their comfort and the things that they have accomplished in regards to being sober, going back to school, getting married, having a career, moving forward with a divorce so they can come in here and make another choice or whatever. Whatever they're working on, right? They're working out all this stuff, right, And what I'm sharing in recovery for me in this burning thing is that being mild adjusted to life is not the way to go for me. Just because you tell me I'm not, you know, the white man is keeping a brother down. That's why I'm drinking. All of that BS, right? I can't use that as a reason to not take what you people offer here. So in other words, if you're a newcomer, we've got to quit running game here. So these guys and gals can really help us. Because when we're calling them and they're picking us up and they'RE taking care of their own part of the deal, it's our responsibility to at least shut the hell up and admit that we don't know what the hell they're doing but it's better than being out there. And that's the kind of willingness that he nurtured inside of me. And that'S one of the reasons why I love Alcoholics Anonymous. We don'T care about how much of you that has made it here. We're going to need all of that for you to be able to stay here. Whatever the amount is of you, whoever you are, especially if I'm annoying your ass. We need your help here. We got to get some burning going on. Everybody running the burning, man. You better burn some ideas in here, man! We got some burning to do! And I'm just really grateful that I'm not confused about that today. You know, in addition to that other gentleman I was talking about, some of my other sponsors, they found out I was a human being and now they're going around telling everyone, you know. And I'm really grateful, you know, that I'm not stuck at the beginning fighting the process. Talking about it's your fault. You're the reason why I can't work the steps. I see your character defects. There they are. Now I don't have to work the steps. One of the things that I also thought about too, we had gone to dinner and we had eaten a little earlier today and one of my grand sponsors won a little prize out of one of those machines and it sort of reminded me a friend of mine, this here is a replica of my first sponsor. I'm glad that we're not videotaping this thing. He'd kill me. It's one of the things that I wanted. Let me share this real quick. I needed a sponsor that was a brother from... I'm black, man. And I needed the guy to get in. I needed a black man to get into my face. I grew up without my father and I needed a brother to help me and this mean old white man from Florida and if you're a newcomer I just want to let you know I had no idea about this until I got sober Florida is a part of the south I didn't know that he come unto me and he said you seem to know a lot about the program and I said yeah I do I've been in rehab for 11 months I am pretty clear on a couple of things around here and he said where are you living and I say keep fucking with me because you know I live in a sober living home technically if you're in sober living you're still homeless you're not on the lease so he's and there he is See, here he is. And he says, no, I just want to drop you off at your house. I'm going to drive you home after the meeting. But my mind tells me that you're fucking with me. So he took me to the sober living home. And then every day, he would show up in this little view. I mean, everybody has these flashy sponsors. And sponsors are like smell good and like, you know, they look nice. They have a wife and everything. You know, he drives up in this little red Volvo. Like, I don't know if you've ever been to like some of the amusement parks, but these rides are on these cars and they're on these tracks. He would just show up in front of the apartment and I would get into the little red Volvo and then he would drive me around. The meeting is around the corner from the Sober Living home. you know and i would tell some of my you know friends that are on their way out of here you know my my coffee drinking cigarette smoking food at meetings mooching people that are just trying to suck us you know these hard drinkers and stuff they're telling me you don't need to take a ride from him he's a little weird and i say you know what that's right i live right around the corner why is he giving me a ride is he gay what is his problem And it's not that that would matter, but I'm just saying come on now. I'm driving around. So he would just come and get me and then pick me up and then drop me off. And then finally I started recognizing a couple of things and I'll be brief. He stood out. My sponsor stood out My sponsor, he never blended in. He always stood out and a lot of people didn't like him He's still alive He's got 21 years sober. A lot of people still don't like him. But the one thing that I can remember, in spite of all the things that I could bitch at him about and talk crap on about, I never complained about him really helping me. Because that's what he did. And that's where he was supposed to be. And I started realizing that he wasn't here to win a popularity contest. You know, a lot of times a lot people are here to look good and feel better and I think that's fine. But looking good and feeling better is not a cure for this disease that's why people with time sober go back out because they get all those years and they forget about the days they were in when they got here now we have a new disease uh they were telling me about it when i was a newcomer they call it alcohol wasn't all of a sudden we seem to forget about what it was really like you know and then people say well that's just a part of my disease that's why I don't remember when they come back after losing that time sober and I believe that any frame of mind that has me not remembering where the hell I come from is not a partof this psychic change that I'm supposed to be getting from these steps I'll repeat that I believe that any frame of mine that has been running around here not remembering where I come from is not a part of the psychic change and I am not talking about intellect I'm talking about sanity he didn't get me sober so I could stay crazy I don't have to be the smartest guy in the room but I don' t have to be the craziest guy here either and he used to ask me all the time do you want to be the village idiot or not and I know a lot of people don't like that assertiveness because my counselor said that's not part of the check sheet that I'm supposed to fill out for my new sponsor. If you're here tonight and you're from treatment and a counselor is helping you, I think that's beautiful. But I'm not going to violate the tense tradition for your ass. We have things we do here. And those people out there don't always agree with it. And you know what? That's fine. They can do whatever the hell they need to do over there. Because in here, we know how to die from this stuff in the middle of trying to recover from it. This disease is terrible. The recovery is awesome. This disease is nasty and it doesn't care how long I've been here or how long I plan on staying here and that's why I believe they call it a daily retreat. Probably I got one more thing I want to share. Ready to leave yet? I don't like this page in the book here because it kind of cuts into my personal agenda, if I can relate to that. Most of us sense that a real tolerance of other people's shortcomings and viewpoints and the respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others. Our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. I mean, we can wrap this shit up now. I'm busy, man. I got a lot of stuff going on here. I have a job. You know, I work now. You know? I've been employed now at the same place for five years. Okay? I'm tired. I'm planning on starting an OA meeting immediately as soon as I feel like it I got a lot of stuff going I got fear, I'm uncomfortable I have character defects I have a sponsor I have meditation practice that I try to live up to I have mins that I need to keep making I'm frustrated I'm often wrong but one thing that you can't tell me is that I drank and nobody could do that to me 17 years ago people were always telling me I was loaded but you canít tell me that today man you canís tell me that and itís because of you people you people you did it today and it's your job to do it tomorrow and that's what I want to share as I kind of wrap it up here is that we I personally am a part of Alcoholics Anonymous I don't know if I'm a part of the good part or the bad part but I am a partner in this stuff and we drive all the way to these different places man, and a lot of my friends have been going and listening to me speak and we put my pitch on XA and all of that and people hear all this stuff. And the thing is, it's like, you know what? It's still not enough. And it's not because of my ego. It's because I'm still alive. I'm Still Alive. So that's why I got to keep doing it. And I'm just grateful that I'm not lost about that. You know, when he used to tell me, DeAndre, 20% of the people are doing 80% of their work. Now put on your helmet and move. That was his metaphor. But I know a lot of people are saying, well, wait a minute. Where is the joy of living? If you're working with all these people and you're doing all this speaking and you'RE going to your job when do you have time for yourself? And I'm here to share with this mental illness that I am always creating time for myself. I am making time for myself right now as I am speaking. While I'm talking I am making time for myself. So I'm not confused about that. And a lot of people are. And so instead of throwing you away or telling you to do it our way or whatever, we just say keep coming back. Keep coming back, man. He used to say, you know what? If you're not here after what we're here after, we'll be here after you're long gone. You better find a commitment to this thing. Because a lot people in your life don't have it. You know they don't have it. That's why you keep dealing with them. Hopefully, they'll get it. But you know as well as I do that there are at least three or four people in your life right now, if you're actively involved in this thing, that they are not convinced. They're not. Don't let these businesses and stuff try to fool you into believing that we have some sort of a fast food thing going here. People are in here. They're Not Convinced. And I am. today, this evening I am convinced if you don't know what I'm talking about in regards to being convinced, you better get that book out they talk about being convinced right after ABC's man and that's part of the insanity of this alcoholism is that on certain days I'll wake up not convinced and if I don't get those phone calls and if i don't give my tired ass to a meeting and if I don't get on my knees and ask God for help. I stay unconvinced. One other thing, and I'll shut up. Talking about the 12 and 12 on the first page in the fold. Once again, my original sponsor's in my way here. Says that AA's 12 steps or a group of spiritual principles or a group of principles spiritual in their nature which have practiced as the way of life can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole. And I apologize if you came down here to hear a good old country music drunk along. You want to know about that stuff you need to call me. You need to talk to me and, you know, we talk and we go through the steps together and I'll tell you all about how I used to steal from my mother and smoke cigarette off the ground. You really want to hear about me eating out of a trash can and living on 5th and St. Julian and selling me, my brother's clothing and anything I could get my hands on to get drunk again? I'll be happy to tell you that if you're willing to take the steps. But in this meeting, allegedly, I guess it's based on action. It's my responsibility to carry the message And the message is that this stuff works, man. It works. It works so good that my drunk-a-lot can't even fit around it. I hate talking about drinking in here trying to learn how to stay sober. I just do it because I know new people can't relate to staying sober. So if you are new, I hope you find somebody that's willing to share this stuff with you. They're here, man, There are women and there are men that are here that are willing to take you through the steps. I know that it doesn't seem like nowhere in there does it say we gladly or we happily It just says we did them, right? We took them, you know and I'm trying to explain to you in a very informal way that you don't ever have to sober up again. Ever. At least for 17 years. I know that much. Now, I know some guys with 30 years sober. A guy named Blackie over there. He's not black. I don't know why they call him that. I guess when you get 30 years of sobriety, you can do things like that. I don' t know. Blackie has 30 years. He's over at the Southwest Solano Club over there in Hawthorne. My original brand sponsor, Al Russell. You know, we listen to this whole time on Thursday night, Franny and her husband, Carter. They all have over 30 years of sobriety. And they just don't think I'm that bad of a guy. It's really kept me sober on a lot of nights this week because it's been a little rough for me. I've been using other sobriity dates around me to kind of cherish the one I have. Because it gets a little salty sometimes. Just a little negative. Get a little depressed. But I'll never have to get drunk again. Ever. So let me close it. He says, Al Russell says that AA is like a little boat. You put all this stuff inside your boat, you know? Your children, that job, your character, scripture, whatever you're into. I mean, you don't know. A Dharma experience. Whatever you're tripping, put it in the boat, man. And a wave of life comes and knocks you and all your kids and your degree and your money and your house note and knocks all that crap out of the boat. What do you grab first? Your children? Your education? Your certificate? You know. No, you grab the boat and the boat is Alcoholics Anonymous and you're either in or you're out no matter who you are or what you think it's all about. If you're not in, you're in. You're out. and I know that everybody wants that gray area where myself, Will can kind of sneak in high but I'm here to share that that's not the way it works for me I'm either in or I'm out man but on most days I like being in I really do because I've been coming to meetings long enough to see what happens to our brothers and sisters that spend a lot of time out and I'm even talking about without a drink I've seen people coming here for years and they refuse to work with us and I heard the speaker once a friend of mine told me and I read it and it's like if every person in Alcoholics Anonymous was sponsoring at least one man or woman how much more awesome and much more plentiful we would really be in regards to this primary if every person at least had one sponsee just one because people come up and say how do you sponsor so many people because you're not sponsoring any one guy one girl just one woman one woman one scared woman who hasn't been to jail for a thousand years who can spill who swarts out of her breath just one alcoholic woman that has this fatal disease if one woman sponsored that next woman and so on and so forth that's what I think these cats are really after I'll just share about my own personal stuff and then I'm going to be quiet they banned me from the Alano club that I go to meetings to they heard me telling this 16 year old kid that you are a liar I don't agree with you You are telling a lie He over there writing down the wrong community service hours Prostituting our program And then he'll go sit in a meeting and talk about The grace of God is changing his life And somebody overheard me telling that young man That you are a liar And they just felt like that was a little too aggressive for the big old black man to be talking to his little white boy. They threw me out of the damn club. I'm the secretary of the largest meeting at that club, and they threw me out, and I wasn't even at the board meeting. I was at a book study at my friend's house, and I'm over there studying the big book, and the newcomer is over there getting rid of one of these mean old timers. and that's just the way it's got to be you know I'm going to keep carrying this message they can ban me, they can tell you can do everything you want but you can't stop God from helping me. I don't care who you are hell I've even tried to stop God from helping me and it doesn't work so I'm banned and they're having a party somebody's unwilling dry ass hey no more the house drain because I'm bad. And it hurt, you know, it was really painful. I really have been on the phone with my friend Peter, Mikey, some of these guys have been helping me get through it, you know? Like how do you, what do you do? Well, I'm going to have to talk softer to the younger guys that want help when I can. I'm gonna ask God to help me. I was pretty loud tonight. I don't know. I don' t know. I can't transmit a message that I don''t have. You need a librarian voice type sponsor, you are not talking to me, right? Right. Don' t talk to me. I grew up with six kids. If you didn' t speak up, you didn''t eat. I'm here to be fed tonight. And when somebody is asking me for help and I tell them the truth about what we're here to help them with and they don't like the tone of my voice and if I'm not doing anything illegal, unethical or immoral you leave me the hell alone this stuff works man anyway I'm grateful to be here and I have a joke for you I love my jokes because they're usually not very funny this guy walks into an AA clubhouse not the one they threw me out of he's been running in and out he goes in and out and in and out there's this old timer sitting at the back table and he comes in this guy man it's really hard to stay sober and the old timer just looks at him and the guy leaves stays on a couple of days and he goes and he comes back breathing hard the old timer is just sitting there and the guy goes whew man it is really hard to stay sober I'm telling and he leaves again he comes back and the old timer is still sitting there and this dude said man it is really hard to stay, and this old timer said wait a minute bro, how in the hell would you know and that's the deal here you know it's like the Buddha, he was asked one time what is nirvana, and he replied if you have to ask then you don't need to know there's a connection here that comes directly by way of the steps by way of effective sponsorship. And if it's too hot for you, you're not going to have a choice to leave the kitchen. You'll just leave anyway because this disease untreated takes care of itself the way it needs to be taken care of. And I'm grateful that I'm recovering from alcoholism tonight. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.