Daily Reprieve – Workshop – Glasgow Scotland – Part 3 of 8 – Tina W.

Now it is. Now it's here. You lock it and away you go. Okie dokie then. Wayne, alcoholic. Tina, alcoholic! Everybody get plenty of sleep? Yes! Well just so you know, I didn't get to bed until 1.30 and I woke up at the crack of 6 a.m. but I didn' t get up until 8 a. m. I had to lay there and think. Any other thinkers? How many thinkers we got in the room? Good, good, good. Instead of push-ups, we do think-ups. Gives thoughtful contemplation a whole new meaning. Yes. Thoughtful contemplation of he who presides over us all. He who cannot be named. Never mind. We were like we do what we always do. We went out and got something to eat last night at McDonald's. Chatted about the workshop. Went to bed. Chatted. Chatted it about the work shop. Got up. We're obsessed. but it's very interesting just as a don't have much to do with the workshop but I'm in the process of writing a book about the ism and the agnosticism and I've been trying to come up with a title I just couldn't come up avec a title we were going to name it the isim factor but that sounds clinical doesn't it it can't be about AA because then it's a violation of tradition so how am I going to talk about the nature of my dilemma without breaking tradition, without blah, blah, bla. And we was at a meeting was it yesterday? And we came up with the name A Magnificent Obsession. Is that good? You like that? Because we're going to talk about the idea of substitution because Bill Wilson gave us that term, the idea OF SUBSTITUTION substituting something for the effect produced by alcohol and if we don't have a sufficient substitute, and chapter 11 tells us that we do and that will be for tomorrow morning if we don't have a sufficient substitute for alcohol I am going to drink again someday it's not if, when am I going to drink again and I'm under that gun I realize especially after Friday night and if any of you had a sleepless time last night how many of us wants a reprieve a repieve now I want to talk about that for just a minute before I get started. Had I not become a police officer and got in, and a clergy person as well, dealing with people on death row, I would never have gotten the concept of daily reprieve the way I have it today. Let me share that with you because that's really what we have, isn't it? Have a daily reprieb. Tomorrow I can't, there's no guarantee I'll be sober tomorrow, is there? Some of us, I think, get cocky and start thinking we're going to stay sober the rest of our lives, which I don't know if that's a bad thought but if we start living that way we might carelessly and recklessly let go of the things that become a daily disciplinary function and get the silly idea that we don't have to do this stuff anymore and then pretty soon the unmanageability comes on us again so it's very important that we understand that what we talked about last night the obsession and the allergy for alcohol that once I stop drinking at best I have a daily reprieve from alcohol but I want to tell you that daily reprieve is times two for the Bill W type we discussed last night the I over E, the E over I the two major personality types that are in the world and that I am one of the more or less pronounced neurotic types and my emotions are intense I'm afflicted with a condition called agnosticism Do anybody really get to thinking about that agnostic thing last night? Most people will not discuss that. That's my experience. Over the course of this workshop, when you get to chapter 4, the wall of there you're not talking about me comes down as hard as you can ever see a wall. I get shut off like that. I mean, I can watch people's face stone over when we start talking about agnestic and that I still am. As a matter of fact, I can see them judging me because they've locked into something they don't even know they've locked into. They've locked in to an old idea. We're going to talk about that this morning too. That's step two and three. Okay. Daily reprieve. There's three stages. God forbid, but let's just say I've been sentenced to die. I'm not happy. Okay. So death sentence. And isn't it fair to say that those of us that are alcoholic basically have a death sentence? And I think it's the most dangerous because it's one that's most invisible to the world. Most of the world just judges us and wants us to go away, and I don't blame them a bit. They just get out of our way. Especially if you're a bum on the street like I was, because quite frankly, I get tired of it. Where I was from in California, if you walk down the promenade one block, you're going to get hit up for money at least ten times minimum, no less. and I used to bum like that I couldn't understand why people wanted to get out of my way now I have the experience of being panhandled the way I used a panhandle and it gets old after about the second day in California under a death sentence you can try to get a pardon clemency or reprieve which one do you want? alright Patrick says pardon who wants clemency and who wants of course you do Joe you stepped right into that that's not clemence do you know what clemenci is no I'll take two and who wants a reprieve well ok, no you don't I'm going to tell you why see subconsciously every human being knows what a reprived means and it's not good in most senses, here's how it goes I want a pardon A pardon is a gubernatorial or presidential pardon. What that means is if you get a pardon from the governor in our states, I don't know what it is considered over here. Now that I'm thinking about this, I'm in the United Kingdom, so perhaps you don't have these three things. Do you? Okay, so in the U.S., I'll explain a little. In the U."S., a pardon, if you are convicted of a heinous crime or any crime that's a felony that's felonious if you petition the governor or the president they can issue you a pardon which means you didn't do it that's what it means a pardon means go free it's total forgiveness that's why when people start talking about forgiveness I look at them with a weary eye because what they're really saying is when I forgive someone it didn't happen in my mind it's over, never happened I'm not as quick to forgive as I'd like to think I am you understand? so pardon to pardon means to forgive fully a pardon means it never happened it's not on your record it's nowhere to be found you've been pardoned that's what I want now I tried to get a pardon couldn't get it because they don't pardon domestic violence there's only two things in our country they won't pardon pedophilia and domestic violence they'll pardon murder, they'll pardon many things they will not pardon those two things happy day, I got one of them but if you're on death row you want a pardon it means you walk out of prison and it never happened clemency, that's where they commute your sentence from death to life I'm seeking clemenci I'm remorseful, I really regret what I did it's not that I want to spend the rest of my life in prison but maybe I can do some good for other people from here and the courts have the power to issue clemency and commute your sentence from death to life you're not going to get out but you get to live so that's a commuted sentence I'm not thrilled about that one but it's better than getting toasted isn't it or hung that's not what Bill meant by hanging there Now, I think that song Swingin' was written by an alcoholic in recovery that was told to hang in there. Swing on, we were swingin'. So, now the reprieve. Now, i have this experience from three years ago in our country. Congress, you know, the ACLU sued and said, I mean, we used to barbecue them, hang them, shoot them. We used to execute them in a manner, measure it to the pain they inflicted on other people. But our ACLU said that's cruel and unusual punishment. You can rip people apart in our country, but we're going to put you to sleep like a little pet. And what happened is they decided that even the injection was cruel and an unusual punishment, so they commuted. In other words, they stopped. What's the word? Moratorium. So they had a moratorium on executions throughout the U.S. And what happened was there was a fellow that a clergy friend of mine was ministering to on death row. And he was notified he was going to be given a reprieve. And he said, I don't want it. Now, that's shocking. I don'T want a reprive. I want to die now. Let's get this over with. Because he knows the moratorium is going to Be lifted. Well, here's a reprieve. A reprieve means, Wayne, you are going to die. Just not today. And we don't know when. That's a reprieVE. You have just been given a repRIEVE. A repRIEEVE means it's going to be put off until later. How many wants a repRIEVE now? See, quit it Joe, you're trying to get attention. Okay, I'm going to DIE. And that guy in Texas did not want to reprieve because he'd been sitting on death row for a long time and he finally made peace with it and he wanted it over. Well, he couldn't talk him into giving him the execution he wanted. He had to settle with the reprieved. The problem with the reproved is they can't tell you when it's going to happen. So you have to sit in that anxiety of when's it coming? How many have lived like that in a lesser regard? You know it's coming. You know it's going to be bad. You don't know what it's going to do. It's not what it is going to be, but it's on its way. Right? In other words, you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, especially when good things are happening. Have you ever had that where good things go and then you think something's going to screw this up? I've never had this much good luck in my life. And then you step right in it. We call that a self-fulfilling prophecy. Okay, so a reprieve From alcoholism, am I not, in essence, because of the allergy I have to alcohol and the obsession in my mind, am I nicht sentenced to die? I've got a fatal illness. As long as I don't take a drink, I don' t engage that hideous craving. But the book says all I have is a daily reprieve. Now most of us don't think it that serious, do we? We don't look at it like that because most of this in this room, except for a couple, don't believe like they're dying. I don't feel like I'm dying. I mean, this is the one illness, alcoholism. Alcoholism is the one thing that you can forget that you're dying from it if you don't treat it right because it's so invisible and the world doesn't really look at it like that. They look at het like it's a responsibility thing. Don't drink. Nancy Regan Just say no. Just say no. Are you kidding me? If Budweiser made you as good looking as it does me, why would you say no? More. More. Just say more. Did you hear that theme when it was going on over in the U.S.? Just say no. Did it make it over here? What a bunch of claptrap. Somebody offers you drugs? Just say no. I don't feel like I fit in. I don' feel like I belong. I don't feel like a part of. Here, have one, Wayne. Okay, can I have two? So, I usually don't gwinze this until Saturday afternoon, but do you get the daily reprieve? Okay, so, we have a daily repreeve from alcohol. Okay, step one. I'm not drinking, so I have a Daily Reprieve from Alcohol. But I also need a Daily reprieved from one other thing. And if you're a Dr. Bob type, it's a moot point. It really is. And that's where you get some argument and debate from people because they say I'm trying to make you different I'm not, I'm recognizing my it's one thing to dismiss my differences but it's a whole other thing to identify them and accept them and the fact is I am not like my brother when it comes to my nature, my brother is clearly, clearly emotionally different from me, clearly and when he drinks Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde I am obviously different from my brother when I drink it's like Mr. Hyde, Dr. Jekyll and it's not pretty so what do I need a daily reprieve from? I need a daily reproof from my emotional nature and now there's a lot of people that are emotionally natured like I am but they don't go to the extreme now doesn't our book talk about extremes so I'm not saying that everybody that's like me emotionally is alcoholic or has a problem Matter of fact, very few of them do. Because they have what? They have natural, normal, emotional buoyancy. They're born with it. I was born, I guess, without it because no matter how long I stay sober, it doesn't come. When I start to go down, if I don't do an inventory we're going to talk about tomorrow, if I Don't, I'm going to keep going until I swirl in the sewer. and when I feel good I'm going to try to keep that going as long as I can and then when I can't make it go any further it'll come down and I go through that cycle that they call manic depression and what it is I'm seeking something I'm a spiritual being well I didn't know all this sober I didn'T know all THIS stuff I had no idea that this cycle that I vacillated between was not manic depression I wish it was because then they could have fixed it with a pill but pills did that to me that's my experience and they gave me side effects that I didn't want now if I'd have been schizophrenic I wouldn't have had any choice, I'd had to take the pills schizophrenia is a disease it's one that has to be treated biochemically cancer has to being treated medically tuberculosis has to be treated medically we've got the one thing the one things that a surgeon can't even touch can't touch and that's a spiritual malady and now that I'm not drinking which is step one half right not drinking if I'm a Dr. Bob type I've almost solved my problem now they have to work Dr. Bobby, my brother needs to work the steps he needs to stay focused he needs work with other alcoholics so he has a spiritual defense against that silly idea that he can have just one. Because that's his total obsession. He's not obsessed with the following things. Okay. See, in our book, it tells us we have a three-fold condition. Now there's a couple of guys running around AA speakers who are saying it's a two-fold situation and they can say whatever they want. I'm going by the book. Should we go by the books? three fold condition I can't remember what page that's on 127 or something like that body mind spirit I have a three fold condition and when my brother drinks it affects all three when I drink it affects All Three when my Brother drinks he doesn't have a problem with that when he doesn' t drink when I don't drink I go to the extreme anybody else I am an extreme it's like it's either black or white I don' t live in here I go from one extreme to when I feel bad I feel very bad when I fell good I feel very good as bad will allow it Do you understand? It's very interesting Okay Body, mind, spirit Body, physical We're getting ready for step two here Body, body, physical Mind Mental In this regard By the way There's two There's three There's four There's five There's six There's seven There's eight There's nine There's ten There's 11 There's 12 There's 13 There's 14 There's 15 There's 16 There's 17 There's 18 There's 19 There's 20 There's 21 There's 22 There's 23 There's 24 There's 25 There's 26 There's 27 There's 28 There's 29 There's 31 There's 32 There's 33 There's 34 are related to the mind. One is related to my brain, my thought processes. But there's a second one I'm going to tell you about in a minute. And then spirit. And what is alcohol? Spirits. Why do they call it that? Well, because it affects us like nothing else does. There's not another chemical on God's earth except one that has alcohol-like symptoms. And that's Valium. the most prescribed drug until they came out with Prozac Valium, mostly women are put on Valium in the US I don't know about over here but Valium is the drug of choice of pharmacologists to treat sobriety isn't that something? Spirits ok so step one we admitted we were polished over alcohol I cannot control the effect produced by alcohol on my body, mind and spirit because it's invisible, it's unconscious and that leads to the cunning, baffling powerful nature of alcohol somehow alcohol it's not defined as an addictive drug because it's not. I'm so sick of the people in the US that make billions of dollars by selling the idea alcohol is addictive. It is not by nature addictive and here's why. If it's addictive if 10 people drink it how many are going to get addicted? Is that come on, I mean I'm retarded but I get that if 10 people take heroin how many are going to get addicted 10 people smoke opiates or take opiats how many going to be addicted it's almost silly that they try to make that argument but the truth is by its nature alcohol is not addictive but the body will form a dependency that is clearly not the same thing but if you don't know the facts you can buy anything that people tell you in your ear Alcohol by its very nature is not addictive. And you can make someone a drug addict against their will. Do you hear me? If you take and tie me to a chair and force heroin into my veins, force cocaine into my system, force Vicodin into my systems, you will make me a drug addict. But if you sit there, you put me in a chair and you pour whiskey down my throat for 10 straight days, you're going to piss me off is what you're gonna do. You're gonna make me mad. But you ain't gonna make an alcoholic. You can't make a person an alcoholic, but you can sure make them a drug addict. Isn't that interesting? The only people arguing that are the money changers. They're the only ones arguing that fact. The people who sell insurance... Sounds like I'm against that. I'm just making the facts clear. because AA is being inundated with the thought that alcohol and drugs are all the same thing and that I'm an addict as well. No, because I'm not drinking to escape like addicts are using to escape. And the book says so. Why am I drinking? I'm drinking for relief. I'm drink it for relief and besides that I am not drinking to escape although that's a word we use I think innocently to get away from my feelings but if I'm feeling like I don't fit in I don' t belong, I'm not a part of I drink and that takes care of that am I escaping or am I becoming part of oh my god alcohol doesn't make me escape alcohol makes me feel like I'm one of everybody I fit in, my skin fits I'm good looking, I can't stand it I can talk to girls does that sound like escape to you I realize it's a play on words but it's a real big play because the world out there is trying to tell us we drink to escape and then we read the big book and Dr. Silkworth says these people were not drinking to escape they are drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control is that not what it says? so I'm not drinking to escape says Silkworth although in where I'm from they're trying to tell us we are which puts us right into conflict with our big book doesn't it Right away, immediately, sends us into what Silkworth called a, quote, seething cauldron of debate. I'm drinking for relief. And where do I want relief from? This is very interesting. This has to do with step one and a half. I am drinking for belief. I'm trying to be relieved of what? The bondage itself. Freedom from the bondage yourself. I am locked in here with us the group conscience is not going well I told my sponsor one time I'm feeling alone, he said impossible impossible and then he snarled, you know how they are Okay, are we tracking so far? So my life is unmanageable. I'm powerless over alcohol because I cannot control the amount that I drink once I start to drink. I take a drink. I experience the effect produced. Drink takes a drink。 I live the experience of the effect produce. The drink takes me. I lose the effect and I drink the drink. Isn't that powerful? I take a drink, I get the effect produced. Drink takes a drink. The relief is on me. The drink takes me, no relief. And I can't stop. That's a hell only an alcoholic could possibly understand. So, I'm drinking for relief. And I didn't know that I was drinking to be relieved of the bondage itself. Okay, my life is unmanageable. Okay, there's two parts to that. That's important. I always call step one a three-part step. That's how I like to look at it. If you're interested, I'll show you that. It's very interesting to me because I thought it was a two-part. Life unmanageable due to drinking. Now many of us have had unmanagability because of our drinking, haven't we? Remember the 10% that those people out there treat? The DUIs, the family problems, the legal problems. That's all alcohol-related unmanigability, is it not? That's the one that's obvious to everybody. Alcohol-related... What did I just say? Thank you. Alcohol-related unmanageability. Is it not? Is that a fair statement? Okay. I'm just playing. Alcohol-Related Unmanageable How many of us have had that? Absolutely. And it's important that we admit that our lives have become unmanageable. Now, there's a dash which is very interesting. We admitted we were promised over alcohol. Dash. That dash means end of that thought. Beginning of new thought. So, my life is unmanegeable due to alcohol. By the way, this is going to play out in the fourth step this afternoon when we get to it. Very, very interesting。 So my brother, when he stopped drinking, his life in short time became automatically... God, it was sickening. It was. It was sicking to me. I'd already been sober three years. He went through treatment, came out of treatment a winner. Informed me I should go through treatment too. And then he went to one meeting a week and he's been doing that for 28 years. He's happy, happy, happy. His life for the first six months was tough because he cheated on his wife and she knew it. And so they did couples counseling swore he'd never do that again and as long as he doesn't drink I will guarantee you my brother will not ever do that again because he only did that kind of crap when he drank because it relieved him of the boundary, not the boundaries I don't like that word of the principles of his self-imposed principles. Alcohol relieved him off that. It's like a spot remover, you know what I mean? And when he doesn't drink, he doesn' t violate those principles he established for himself. I'm an emotionally intense person and you put me in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people and I will join. My life is unmanageable when I drink, indeed. But I'm also unmanangeable due to another reason, sober. When I stopped drinking and started going to meetings, working the steps to the best of my ability, which means practicing these principles in all my affairs. That's what that means. The principles are the 12 steps, by the way. The principles Are not those that Hazelden made up. The honesty, faith, hope, courage. Those are another shortening of our program. I mean, they're not bad, but they're Not ours. They're Hazeldens. our principles are the 12 steps that's our principles my principles for life are the 12 steps, the 12 traditions and the 12 concepts of world service those are our principles I really get upset when people out there try to change our principles and give us their good ideas that have no proven statistical evidence, empirical that says this works for the majority of us because our big book is written by and for us. Our 12 in 12, written by Bill as he interpreted from Father Dowling's experience, offered it to us in our language. Those are our principles. Twelve steps, twelve traditions, twelve concepts. Thirty-six principles. Where was I going with that? Unmanageable. The second part. Okay, so my life is unmanageble. I discovered not only when I drank now there's a lot of people who drink their life becomes unmanageable but they don't have the allergy and the obsession so they just don't do it no more they just say I ain't doing that no more those people amaze me I think something's wrong with them you don't know the truth they stop way too soon they just need to hang in there my life is also unmanangeable more severely so when I go too long without a drink and that I didn't understand I come into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I see people like my brother, they get sober and they're happy happy, happy and it doesn't change well they must be working the program right and I must not be because their life is going by like a song they say they're alcoholic they don't seem to have any effort about this at all. They talk about they pray. And maybe I should try praying harder, they say. Maybe I should go to church like they do and that would fix it. Ladies and gentlemen, if I don't know the truth about the difference between our personality types, I am going to succumb to their program. That works for them. Because I'm going to think there's something wrong with what I'm doing. The truth of the matter is, is if I did what my brother does, you would have a different person doing this workshop. it would not be me because I can't sustain my life on my brother's program and I thought he had a you know he got in three years after I did and he started evolving right away and his life turned manageable within a year I looked down and thought what am I doing wrong I was mad I just realized when you guys say pissed you mean drunk don't ya ok I was man mad and I kept hoping my brother would fail I did then at least we feel bad together and then maybe he'll start working on a program too it's very confusing if you don't know the facts about the condition and you know in our book it does say armed with the facts about ourselves we can win the confidence of another like that do you know I can't touch a Dr. Bob type they don't come near me they can see the neuroses floating around me and they go like this nice to meet ya they're friendly to me, they're cordial but they keep moving they'll chat with me but pretty soon they can figure out there's something swirling and they don't want to catch it they're not mean about it they're the people they're a lot of people they're are not the people that Silkworth was talking about when he said fiercely resented by their own kind he was talking about the Bill W. Tye just like me that isn't working it that's that's that's not denial Joe it's not denial at all nowhere in our books does it say denial it's delusion See, denial means you're consciously aware of it, doesn't it? How many of us are consciously aware we were out of our flipping minds? Denial, Joseph, is an Al-Anon word. Are you a double winner? No, no, no. We've got a couple of Al-Ans in here. we're going to address that right now just for you here's the difference between in my opinion Al-Anon and AA me, I'm in a full blown delusion I create lies and live in them correct me if I'm wrong the Al-A-Nan lives with the problem and denies it exists they see it right in front of them you see I don't see the problem because inside here I'm getting the relief I'm getting relief, I feel normal when I drink, that's not denial and my problem that's delusion I can take a polygraph test and pass it but the Al-Anon folk who appears to be their obsession here's the difference, correct me if I'm wrong Al-A-Nonic an alcoholic is one who cannot control and enjoy their drinking and Al-Anon is one who cannot control and enjoy their drinker because I got news for you you might control me but you won't enjoy me is that not accurate? and it's like ok our thing isn't denial our thing is full blown chronic delusion the difference between denial and delusion consciously aware consciously awake consciously aware of what's right in front of you and you just put it off just deny it, it doesn't exist but you know it does it's like, what do you call it, the elephant in the living room you know there's something big there but you kind of walk around it now there's a lot of denial that goes on in AA as far as a lot us walk around a lot of white elephants like it's all the same thing. Nobody wants to address it because for whatever reason we don't. Okay, that's for Sunday. We're going to get off that right now. Okay, my life's unmanageable. I'm not drinking. I'm sober seven years. My life is ten times more unmanagable than it ever was and I'm doing the best I can and I've got a job. And I'm throwing everything I've gotten at it. There isn't anybody working in a more serious program than I am. Why is my life still spiraling? And I'm not drinking. My life's unmanageable. I'm going to find out in step one. I'm gonna find out through the process of steps two through nine. Chuck C., one of America's most well-known carriers of the AA message, said uncover, discover, discard, recover. And I adopted that. I stole it. I didn't steal it. I adopted it from Chuck. Steps 1, 2, and 3 are the uncovering of the problem. Not just step 1. Steps1, 2 and 3 uncover the problem And the problem is two-fold for some, three-fold for others. Uncover the problem. If I don't uncover the problem, how can it be treated? How can it being treated? So Chuck was real stringent about uncovering the problem so let's dig into steps one, two and three. Does that sound like it might take longer than four one hour sessions with two follow-ups? Uncover the problem. Steps four through nine. Discover and discard the results of the problem Does that sound like the ten percent that the world tries to treat? Uncover and discover the results of the problems. Now I'm going to suggest to you that that's the part the world tries to create. And what part do they miss completely? steps 1, 2 and 3 uncover discover, discard and then recover is steps 10, 11 and 12 how many of you had trouble sleeping last night that's not recovery it's not bad it's just that's the uncover part and it'snot really pretty sometimes uncovering the truth about myself and we only started to uncover a little bit last night we've uncovered some more this morning already and we ain't done yet isn't that something happy, happy, unhappy steps 10 through 12 which is Sunday morning I want to make a footnote now just for the heck of it this is my 194th or something like that workshop and Sunday morning was when a number of people choose not to come back for a variety of reasons, I got to go to church where they are not I'm not putting church down but they are NOT going to get the answer to the problem they have they'll get philosophically comforted but they will not get the answer now if you go to church, great that should be in addition to AA if you're going to yoga great, in addition to AA but most people that I know they don't do in addition they do in place of something like some people get obsessed with yoga over there and they'll go to yoga three days a week and they say that's the best meditation in the world Well, how many meetings do you go to? Well, I'm down to one now. I do yoga three times a week. And I tell them, well, next time you have a problem, go call Yogi. I know that's sarcastic, but that's the way it is. And then they come and they go to maybe one meeting every six months, but they go yoga three days a week, and then they comes to our AA group and want to take an AA birthday cake celebrating their AA recovery. I literally tell them why don't you go to yoga and take your cake because you sure didn't do AA. I mean, I know that sounds harsh but that is the facts because a newcomer hears that so I've got to do yoga. They have no flipping clue. Do they? Okay. Why do I go to that extreme? Because steps 10, 11 and 12 hold the answers to my dilemma. Now I'm going to go out on a limb and there's usually a noise big book thumpers. There's no answers in the big book. No answers in the big book. There's directions in the big book, are you listening? There's direction, now if I follow those directions with action the results expose the answers so I can pass them on to you the answers are in our experience the directions are in the Big Book and the 12 and 12 that's where the directions are the answers I'm looking for is in Andrew's experience because I can't you know next time you're having trouble call your big book and see if it answers the phone I'm not putting this book down don't go out of here and say Wayne Butler put down the big book I'm just believing reality today I lived in a delusional state of existence much of my life I'm done with that I can call this book at 2 in the morning and it won't talk to me Besides that, I can manipulate how the book hears me. But if I call you, who knows what's in here, the directions, you can direct me to the right directions. You can give me an action to take. And if I take that action, I bet you I get an answer to my problem. But you see, if you just give me the answer right up front, something in my mind goes, thank you. We're done now. I will think I've done something. I will have done I've gotten relief does this make sense to you folks a lot of us don't like to hear this kind of stuff Tina when I met her was a big book thumper is that not accurate did this not annoy you oh I thought our dating was over quick I didn't catch on she was a thumpper until our third or fourth conversation well you know thumpers are the ones who use the big book to get ya it's like everything is the big books the big book, it's in the book, in the book, this is not a weapon of war this is an instrument of peace and I don't beat nobody over head but as a matter of fact this very book says lay this at their feet and make them want to use it and if they pick up this simple kit of spiritual tools it will lead them to the answers for living and that in fact when I first met Tina we started talking, it occurred to me she might be a thumper. Now I'm a recovered thumpper. I was good at using this as a weapon of war. I think it's fair to say because I was neurotic about it I probably have it memorized although I don't rely on that. But it's like anything else you do it enough you begin to develop a memory of it and since I have a photographic memory of things except words I have the Bible memorized that's good when you want to get somebody yeah but did you know useless information for me because it has very little value here our minds shut down the minute we start talking religion doesn't it politics a war I was in a meeting what was that meeting we were at there was a club we were Oh, yesterday. Yeah, yesterday, what was that? The rooms, the rooms. I never saw, now like when you go to a meeting in my place, you can wear your Yankee colors all you want. But I saw on the wall, how did it say? No football colors. No football colours, I thought. Why not? And then Hamish told me, I thought, good idea. Good idea. I don't want a cotton head crossfire, I'm not even a Protestant this week. Uh-uh. No. Catholic who? No, no, no. I'm anxious this weekend. Okay. All right. Have I gotten plenty distracted here now? Okay. Now, so my life is unmanageable. What's my real problem? Okay, I've admitted my life's unmanangeable because of my drinking, because it's obvious. Divorced. Kids won't talk to me. Dad has a restraining order against me where I can't go near my own mother. I'm being locked up, I'm being psychiatrically institutionalized I think that could classify as unmanageability and when at first glance because I don't understand that dash, I think that my life's unmanable because I drink and that's it and so the automatic assumption is if I stop drinking, my life will become manageable all by itself. Isn't that a logical assumption? Especially when you have a brother like mine who stops drinking and that happens his life became without any effort on his part at all except to go to meetings his life is manageable and stayed that way for 28 short years now I'm a year sober and I'm going two meetings a day, three on Saturday four on Sunday working a full time job and my life is not manageable and I am throwing everything I got at it I don't know why. Then I'm seven years sober. My emotions are on me. The world's against me. I've got resentments in AA. I don'T like sponsoring nobody no more because I caught him with my wife and they ran off together. I've GOT things going on in my head that... Okay. Why am I unmanageable? I'M SOBER! I go to meetings. I read the book. I study the book! I sponsor other people. I pray why am I still feeling bad I could not understand that so I knew it must be psychiatric I knew It had to be and as I told you last night I went and got that confirmed by other people in AA that were taking medication too they automatically are going to co-sign me because they want company as well I sought them out they didn't seek me out But they gave me the co-signature I wanted. Now I'm seven years sober. I'm thinking about psychiatric care again, medication again. And I'm not hitting bottom yet because I'm the guy holding the shovel. I'm still digging. I just don't know that. I haven't given up the shovel yet. Let me show you how I surrender. We've got a piece of paper here. see if anybody relates to this type of surrender on November I believe every human being is born with a surrender flag I do, I believe we're born with this I'm not saying I'm not a fighter, I think everybody's a fighter or they wouldn't have made it this long in the day I just fight the wrong battles that's all anybody else have experience with fighting the wrong battle oh you give me a little battle a skirmish and I'll make it a war I believe we are all born with the surrender flag I really do and all we got to do is say okay God I'm done, I'm yours let's do this thing and I know people who have done that in their lifetime I can guarantee you they're not of my variety they go like this and they throw in the towel and they hardly ever pick it back up again every now and then they will but then in short order they let it go my brother is sickeningly one of them here's how I do it problem surrender the damned if it don't grow back get a job pay your child support you get my drift anybody like that I have to tell you I'm still that way it just doesn't take me as long to throw in my little piece I would like to lie to you I would I'd like to say I'm a legend now I'm sober 31 years and I haven't found it necessary to pick up a surrender flag since my first meeting of alcoholics not in my case I'm sorry my life is unmanageable because I suffer from alcoholism and the ism is interesting this is going to pull us into step two came to believe a power greater and here's a real interesting word I don't know if you're like me, I'm a wire I want to know why thank God my sponsor gave me permission to find out why came to believe that a power greater than myself could what? restore me restore me as though I've ever been there you know what the truth is I believe that I was born perfectly imperfect I was born about a half a bubble out of plum I think the reason I have a fear of enclosed places is because I was in there just nine months too long and it was dark I bet and I'm sure I was abused because I came off feeling like a victim we're going to talk about that victim thinking I have felt like a victim I have some victim issues but I've always felt like the world is against me I've thought that even before I was hurt as a boy I thought the world was against me I didn't see the world the way the world looked to me was black and white no color, no fun a very dull, dark frightening place anybody else? and then I would try to overcome it with bluster and loudness and attention seeking behavior or I would go to the other extreme I would over here where the world is violent loud loud I can back most people off just by yelling at them with a certain look and then eeeeeee there's eeeeee I vacillate between outright sissy and I'll hit you with a baseball bat I have both experiences I'm sad to say there was no Gary in my life and most of the alcoholics that I work with vacillated between these two poles and we blink when we go by here because we have no idea that that's the norm and why would we want to go there? It is boring. These people are boring. They are not hip. When I'm over here I'm a hipster. When I am over here, I'm a victim. And I vacillate between these two things. How many of us know that that has to do with step 2 and 3? I mean if you only read the big book you will not get this but if you read the 12 and 12 as well, you will and I think that's the reason why a lot of people scan the 12 in 12 and put it down because it brings to bear the human condition from the emotional perspective and a lot us just want to go to meetings and ignore it we call that head in the bowl recovery you know head in a bowl because I had my head in bowl a lot puking if you know what I mean so came to believe that the power greater than myself could restore me to sanity same thinking you got something on that oh I saw you ok same thinking which would imply a sound mind if you read the big book in the 12 and 12 it talks about soundness of mind and how we lack that. Now my brother restored automatically to soundness of mind when he stopped drinking. I don't remember ever having the soundness of mind. I always felt like I was under threat. Anybody else? I felt like i was under threat. Like something's after me and I don' even know what it is. It's just like an unconscious thing. That's one of the reasons I was in therapy. What's wrong with me? I don''t know. If I could tell the doctor what was wrong with him, I would have to sit in his office. It's like, what's bothering you? You. Doctor. Because you won't quit asking me stupid questions like, how are you doing? That's a difficult question on a Monday morning. How are you dealing? Well, I don't know. How are YOU doing? I always base how I'm doing on how everybody else is doing. Anybody else? Do you hear that? Base is how she's doing on what everybody else has done. that's some spongy thing going on isn't it ok so when we start talking about step 2 we're talking about old ideas and insanity Dr. Silkworth says we're strangely insane he says that we're basically not psychiatrically insane were strangely you ever wonder what he meant by strangely insane never occurred to me I never was diagnosed as strangely insane I was diagnosed when I was younger borderline with a borderline disorder character disorder borderline personality disorder I had seven different diagnoses and characteristics it was only missing one that would have had me locked away for the rest of my life because it makes you a potential serial killer and that was at the age of 13 and I'm not going to go into details but my mind some people would say I'm really alcoholic that I have problems other than that and I believed it I really thought AA couldn't help me I'm here to tell you those people had no idea what they were talking about they were telling crap they had no clue that they were killing me a day at a time in AA by what they Were saying to me I don't think they meant to they were trying to help me but you know when you don't know what the problem is how can you give somebody a solution they're throwing diabetic answers to a cancer patient and that's why we're doing this workshop is we're throwing you alcoholism from this perspective and if it sticks, you probably got it if you don' t don' th judge it, just be glad you ain't got it do you know what I mean it's like, I don't judge people who's got other illnesses Too much. Old ideas, insanity. I could read it to you out of the book, but I'm just going to do the notes. You all heard the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over again and getting different. Okay, that came from N-A, not A-A. Came from N.A. Not bad, but it's just not in our book. It's not ours. It's N.E. it got popular about 18 years ago and it's been spreading ever since doing the same thing over again and expecting different results I do the same things over again but I'm not expecting different results because I don't care that's the insanity of it do you really consciously think you're going to have a different outcome no we're doing it compulsively without thought I'm doing the exact same thing over again except for alcohol and in our book insanity of the first drink has to do with the obsessive nature with which we try to prove we can drink like normal drinkers chapter 3, switching our drinks I didn't consciously say I'm going to go from beer to wine I didn's consciously think that I just started switching my drinks I started switching the time I drank never drink in the morning never because I know you're an alcoholic then right So I wouldn't get up until noon. And then my sponsor enlightened me. She said, what time do you get up? I said, about two. She said that's a morning drink. I said shut up. He didn't change his mind it's a morning drink, okay. The insanity of our old ideas. Do you know what appears and how it works? By the way we could do this whole workshop just out of how it works. This whole The whole problem, solution, action, result can be found in those pages read at most every meeting. How it works. Do you know that in how it works... Have you ever wondered why people don't recover? Have you never wondered that? I mean, you think it's the four step. You think they don't go to enough meetings. You think it is the wrong sponsor. They don't pray enough. It says right in how we don't get better. It says in how our work, why we don' t recover. and it's an amazing thing remember that line, those who do not recover remember thatline ok, those whose do not recover are people who cannot or will not what people who don't recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program think about that who cannot or will not give themselves completely completely to this what's the simple program the 12 steps that's a simple program remember how I said keep it simple people have manipulated that into being all kinds of you don't have to do this no you're complicating this by doing that big inventory you're doing no let's keep it as simple following the directions that's what they mean by keep it simple but it's been expanded to include other people's agenda in my opinion so I keep it simply I work the steps according to the big book and the 12 and 12 because more has been revealed in the 12 and 12 and in Bill Wilson's experience with Father Adonai. So I keep it simple. What that means is I follow directions. That's keeping it simple and where I'm coming from, people are attacking the idea of taking direction everywhere. They say, I'm not being given direction, I'm being told what to do. Okay, I told a guy one time, here's what I want you to do, sit down and draw four columns. Well, you're telling me what to Do. No, I am giving him direction but what he is hearing is an order and then he goes to meetings and he hears people say, no one can make you do anything. They hear, you're telling me what to do. In reality, keep it simple. Keep it simple means don't bring in outside stuff. We don't know what to do with that. Hazelden Guide, the Pathways to Recovery Guide, there's all kinds of guides. Don't bring them in here. That's not keeping it. Keep it Simple means do our thing. Do AA. Follow the direction We're going to talk more about that tomorrow morning because therein lies the answer to my dilemma. Now come to find out, I only have one basic problem and therefore I only need what? One basic answer. And if you read in your big book, it says the spiritual answer is the program of action. and what's the program of action 12 steps steps 1, 2 and 3 uncover the problem so we're in a process of uncovering the problem are we not those who do not recover burn that into your mind please because when somebody starts telling you they had a slip because they didn't do their 4 step that could have a little grain of truth to it but the reality of it is is they didnít completely give themselves this simple program did they Completely. No reservations. And here's my opinion, why I did not, I could not. There's another saying that I want to throw out there right now. Those who know not, cannot. Does that need any further authentication? Those who no not, can not. And those who believe not, will not. So if I don't know what my problem is, I cannot do anything about it and if I don't believe there's a solution for that problem I will not follow direction and how many people do we know including ourselves that balk at investigation that haltingly work the steps and then some of us slip and we start throwing out the reasons why we drank or used or whatever the proclivity may be when reality is if you just look right at the simplicity of this program, it's answered in how it works. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves I was a cannot at first right now if I didn't do it I'd be a would not but I happen to believe everything I'm sharing with you this weekend I happen TO BELIEVE IT and therefore I'm not a cannot and for this weekend I'm a will not that could change but so far today it's not because I've got burned into my consciousness what my problem is it's like a person who suffers from cancer or diabetes once they come convinced they've got it you can't stop if my mom could have came to 7 meetings a week got a sponsor sponsored somebody worked the 12 steps and her cancer would have been relieved and got a daily reprieve, what do you think my mom would have done? And you think she'd have interviewed a sponsor or you think She's just got one? Do you hear me? My mom left no stone unturned once she was convinced she had lung cancer. I know people, and so do you, who have and have had cancer. Once they become convinced they don't like it, Lou Gehrig's disease, ALS. I sponsored a kid who had that died from it, took him 5 years tried everything went to Mexico, tried holistic medicine tried everything but have someone be alcoholic they don't completely because this is the most difficult dilemma to face and embrace of anything science doesn't know about because science can't figure this out nor should they Science isn't meant to find out the spiritual, is it? We're our own little scientists right here. So I go to that extreme to lay this out because asking myself am I a cannot, am I will not exposes the problem. I have not yet come to believe that I'm really alcoholic. Now thank God I don't have to just yet. We're allowed to catch alcoholism here. which means it says we came to believe which means in step 2 I do not believe I do NOT believe it that's step 2 step 2 is I do Not believe it otherwise they wouldn't say we came because when did they come to believe if you read your history they tell us that they came to be somewhere after step 9 it's like have any of you been walking down the street and all of a sudden you thought oh my god I got this Oh, I don't like this. I caught alcoholism seven years when I started doing this research. That's when I thought, oh my God. Oh my God! Would you like to do a workshop? No. Do you have a sponsor? No. Where did he go? You had one. Okay. Joe, don't. Thank you. Now where was that? I've got to start over. Blame Joe. I'm a weaner, I'm an alcoholic. Okay, where was I? Step two says I don't believe. Step two says I do not believe because it says I came to believe and I am living proof that we come to believe somewhere after step nine. Most of us. Now my brother didn't. She zipped right through it. I didn't know why he did. He had no problem believing. But I've got obstacles in my way, and I didn't know that. And if you're sitting in a meeting of alcoholics now, and you don't know this, you could fall victim to the illusion that we're supposed to know. It says, came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Here's something that I think is critically important for me. First of all, we've got to understand what the insanity is they're speaking about, and I didn' t know this for seven years. I thought they meant I'd become normal. Aha! Do you know I'm no longer obsessed with the idea I can drink normal? Anybody? I'm not. I'm never going to drink normal. I'm obsessed with that. No, I can't. Never going to happen. I am absolutely convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can even drink so much as a thimbleful safely. You guys have Caliber over here, don't you? Isn't that your O'Doul's in America? Well, I remember when they came out with O'Douls. A lot of people in AA thought it was good because the Bible says non-alcoholic beer. Maybe we can drink that. It's not, after all, it says nonalcoholics. And I started thinking about it because Anheuser-Buschwacker makes O'Douls because they make Budweiser. They make O'Douls. That piqued my interest. I thought, hmm. It's only got a half, a half a half a half of percent. Half a half. Huh? That's barely noticeable. Have to have one. Have to, have to. I called my sponsor and I said to Barney, Barney what do you think of that old Duel's non-alcoholic beer? He says, well dummy, I think it was made for non- alcoholics. and he says they knew you'd wonder because they put it right on the bottle non-alcoholic beer you goof click and then he saw me at the meeting that night that's an insane thought because it's beer and you can't buy it if you're a minor you cannot buy O'Doul's if you are a minor what does that suggest I figure it's because they didn't want kids dropping the bottles and breaking them. Click, click, click. And then my sponsor did what sponsors do. He took me to the big book for verification. Took me to The Doctor's Opinion. Do you have any idea how many times I've read The Doctor'S Opinions? Right there it said, You just got to keep talking, don't you? abnormal drinkers like this drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol he goes on to say these drinkers cannot drink alcohol in any amount at all what's that suggest to you in any form at all and then he used the word safely thank God he didn't say you can't drink no matter what because that would have prompted me to want to find out why Dr. Silkworth says that I can't drink alcohol safely which means my allergy to alcohol, my sensitivity to alcohol my inability to metabolize alcohol like normal drinkers do we don't know how much it takes to incite my craving and so I can safely drink any alcohol in any form at all now there's some goofs over in our country who are trying to call marijuana, cocaine a form of alcohol because they're being told to say that in treatment to make it all the same thing form of alcohol is like they say pill form alcohol that's ludicrous in any form at all vanilla extract what is that 60 proof I got caught drinking NyQuil in a drugstore remember when NyQuil came out over there NyQuill is 50% alcohol so I'm in there drinking it right off the shelf green teeth and everything maybe that's why I lost my teeth, NyQuille I got NyQuilated Listerine 50% alcohol you've got to be careful what you're gargling with when you're sober because, and if you start swallowing it you got to get a new chip but Listerine I use a type of mouthwash that has no alcohol in it because I don't even want to take that chance because I do not know how much so Dr. Silkworth so when O'Doul's came out and I wondered about that my sponsor took me right to the book and I believed Dr. silkworth I can't safely drink alcohol and I have proven it to myself I have tried drinking everything I can in different amounts and couldn't successfully do it but it's an insane thought for me to think I can drink safely after all that evidence to the contrary so step two is about insanity and old ideas here's the insanity in AA NA is doing the same thing expecting different results I never consciously really did that I kept doing the same thing over again but I really wasn't expecting different results I just kept doing what I was doing a lot of things get added in here to shorten up our program I think here's the insanity of AA it is the holding on to of an old idea what's it saying and how it works many of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil now you guys should really understand what nil means because you gave it to us. Thanks a lot. Nil, when you look it up and define it, nil is less than nothing. It isn't zero, zero, so why do we got to have nil? In America, nil is defined as less. The numbers become negative. Like this is as silly as this is zero. Nada. Nothing. Nil minus one, two, three. nil means less than nothing which means when I hold on to an old idea the results, I start going backwards that adds a whole different spin to it doesn't it the results were nil until we let go a little bit until we let go what absolutely what that means is with no reservations how many of us had the, I don't have the ability to do it Absolutely. I don't even know what an old idea is, for God's sake. And I'm supposed to restore to sanity, which means to a sane way of thinking and living. Not be possessed by old ideas. And I am living in faulty emotional dependencies. And I about to find out that it is more complicated than that. I had no idea what was swirling around in my mind, I am here to tell you. I mean, this is how I look on a good day. Square peg. trying to fit in a round hole and I am powerless that plug I was born with is not plugged into the right place I seem to be born with a distorted perception of myself ok would you agree that's a distorted perception of myself and I'm not a happy camper and I am running on direct current it's called self will now according to the book Alcoholics Anonymous in chapter 4 where our hope remember we talked yesterday about how most people that I know skimp over chapter 4 we agnostics that is the most read chapter I've put upon myself because that's where my entire problem is sober my entire problem now that I'm not drinking remember first four chapters including the doctor's opinion is all about step one and three quarters once I stop drinking and stayed stopped and the unmanageability of my life related to alcohol is curbed then we go to chapter four step two, I had no idea that my entire life problem was going to be found in this chapter from this day forward and it is called you've heard a lot of acronyms I bet for ISM because this is what I look like suffering from the ISM factor, ISM internal spiritual maladjustment got that? that's in the big book I played with it a little bit internal spiritual maladjustment on page 55 it says deep down deep down inside every man woman and child what would ever mean to you that bothered me because I can't see myself agnostic therefore God's not deep down inside me see because I'm already thinking that agnostic has all to do with God and so I don't like every, so I actually wrote our New York, like you have your York GSO here, we have our GSO in New York I wrote New York demanding they take the word every out of the big book because I am included then and God doesn't happen to be deep down inside man, and I can't use their big book and save my life until they change that word, and i wrote them that letter and the answer would be back dear fellow AA we find your letter very interesting we discussed it at great length first let us say we know how you feel by the way in the US when they say however however we do not find it necessary to change any word in the big book of Alcorazionomics but thanks for writing then do write again so when the fourth edition came out they didn't change it they don't care deep down inside every man woman child is a fundamental idea of God idea, idea of god now remember we're about to ask someone to turn their will and their life over to the care of God as they understand him so steps 2 and 3 become paramount in my opinion at this point came to believe it was going to happen later on but it gets skipped over so fast some people will say if you're sitting in a meeting you've already done steps 1, 2 and 3 then you go on to step 4 with no idea what the problem is and if you are a Dr. Bob type it will work fantastically if you were a Bill W type 5, 10, 15 years later you are going to have trouble and you are not going to know why and you aren't going to be able to admit you skimped on steps 1.2.3 because after all they are not working steps they are just thinking steps they're decision steps how many of you heard that the problem is is you go into step four and you don't know what the problem is and then we innocently innocently go into a process that cannot consummate itself spiritually because we're throwing stuff at what we don't and somebody will tell you you don' t need to know what the probem is that's not my experience in order for the treatment to work I've got to know that it's being treated there's something here something about me that is obviously different than my brother. He doesn't need to know nothing. He just goes along happy, joyous and free. Anybody else need to Know Why? Any other wires in the room? I hope we answer some of those whys this weekend. Okay, so, where was I at? Okay, deep down inside, every man, woman, child is a fundamental idea of God. Deep down inside. Therefore, it's internal. page 44 isn't that what we got Tina what was it where's that at page 44 if when you honestly want to you find you cannot quit entirely or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take you are probably alcoholic if that be the case you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. Now, if you're telling me that only a Spiritual Experience can conquer it, then it has to be Spiritual. Yes? So it's internal and it's Spiritual. Page Roman Numeral 26 We were maladjusted to life that we were in full flight from reality or we're outright mental defectives. Maladjusted. Told you I played with it a little bit, but I can justify that. Internal, spiritual maladjustment. And how many of us have been in full fight from reality and felt like outright mental defectives. And if you're like me, that means institutions or multiple saloons. Some people have alcohol, drug, and other related problems combined because they're so maladjusted in here. Remember, where's the problem? Alcoholism doesn't come in bottles. Alcoholism comes in people. and the people that ain't got it you can pour all the alcohol you want into them and this is going to change a thing not a thing it isn't going to changed your perception of reality it's just going to changes your attitude I arrested a lot of drunks that were belligerent wanted to fight me because they're being intoxicated they're under the influence of alcohol that is not alcoholism that's bad judgment that's impaired driving because the body began to relax it sedated the central nervous system and they responded to alcohol the way every human being who drinks would but in the process they don't get better looking it doesn't change their perception of reality it only alters their ability to function whatever it affects their brain it affects Their ability to perform Do you know what I mean? Okay. Like me, the first time I... I don't mean to get graphic. The first time I couldn't perform sexually and we're going to talk about that later this afternoon in inventory. The first Time I Couldn't Perform Sexually I ain't drinking that again till the next day. But when they told me if the side effects were of certain pills they wanted me to take I said, wait a minute did you say possible sexual side effects? Oh! Oh, you want me to be depressed and not be able to have sex. Happy day. Give me the gun, doc. And then some, by the way, some goof sharpshooter in AA heard me say that. And they suggested I go to SLAA. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. You must have a problem with sex if that's what you're thinking. I looked at him and I said, quote, get a life. deep down inside every man woman and child is a fundamental idea of God and in the last analysis it's only the place he may be found so it's the idea and we've already proven that I have insane ideas step two came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity what am I suffering from okay I'm just going to go through the four majors and then later on through the workshop we'll cover some of the others first of all what's an old idea because if you don't know what an old idea is how can you look at it oh let's see let's take a 10 minute break