Daily Reprieve, Not a Cure — and It Expires Every Morning – Russell S.

And as I said before, my name is Russell S., and I am an alcoholic. And I am a member of the Carl Gables Group of Alcoholics Anonymous, and it's a privilege for me to be here. And I haven't found necessary to have a drink, nor have I had a drink, since January 25, 1981. And I'm very grateful for that. It's not a record around here. It's a record for me. My sponsor, who's sitting over there, has 57 years. And what are you doing? Is he acting up again? Well, you know, I could tell you stories about him, but I won't. I'll restrain myself. You're welcome. But this is, it's good to be here with you guys. I like this group. Well, I like, look, I'm lying. I like all alcoholics. I was over at the West Coast, and I'm not talking about Naples. I'm talking about California. Hanging out, there's a little group there of guys that I hang out with. A bunch of them meet at the Coffee Bean. And at 6.30 in the morning, the Pacific Palisades, we have coffee. Then we walk over, have a men's meeting. And I'll be going up to New York in a little while, visiting some friends up there, and in Virginia, and Knoxville. And, you know, when you've been around for a while, you develop friendships and groups. You know, it says in the back of the big book, in Vision for You, it says, God will show you how to create the fellowship you crave. I didn't even know I craved fellowship. But apparently I do. And you create a spiritual fellowship. That's why they call it Fellowship of the Spirit. It's actually from, I think it's from the Corinthians. The book of Corinthians, where the Apostle Paul refers to the fellowship of the Holy Spirit. And I'm going to talk a little bit about Step 10 tonight, but in a different type of way. I think it's a different type of way. I'm not sure. I was talking to Barry. Came down from Fort Lauderdale. It's good to have him here. And we were talking about it. He was listening to one of the tapes, I think on the fourth step. I'm not sure which one it was on. And one of the talks. And he said something. I've heard this before fairly often. And I'm just reporting. Believe me, it's not about. He said, you know, I really like. He's been around for like nine or ten years. He says, I like listening to your tapes. He says, I was listening. He says, because I've never heard. I've never heard a step. I've never heard a step done like that before. And I know. I sort of know what he's referring to. Because I get that a lot. You know, I get. I got a lot of people. They say to me. You know, I like listening. Because I've just never heard it done that way before. I mean, I've heard it a lot. And I guess what they mean. And what I think they mean. When I talk to them. And what I'm about. Is I'm really not. You know, when I first started doing these steps. I've been doing for like 27 years now. I've been. So for 30 years. I've been probably talking about it for 27. When I first started doing the steps. I think I was more interested. And there's nothing wrong with this. And I'm not saying the same thing. With people doing this. People need to learn how to do this. With like the nuts and bolts of the steps. I mean, how do you do step five? How do you do step four? You know, the charts. The bells. The whistles. I mean, you know, the truth of the matter is. You can read the book. And it tells you. How to do the steps. If you're really. I mean, my guess is. If you were desperate enough. And you really wanted to do these steps. You could probably pick up the book. And read it. And there's a chart in there. And it tells you how to do it. And if you follow directions. Very hard for an alcoholic. You could figure out how to do the steps. You know. And you could figure out how to do it. But it's nice to hear from other people. And hear their testimony. Their experience. Strength and hope. You know. And hear it. And hear how a person did the steps. And sort of fill in the gaps. And that stuff is good. And I guess for the first 10 or 15 years. Of my. Variety. I did a lot of. A lot about. A lot of my talks had to do with. You know. How to do it. You know. How to actually do step four. How do you do step eight. How did I do step eight. And certainly some of that will creep into that deal. Because I believe it's important. To talk about your experience. Give your testimony. And things like that. But. In the last. You know. 10 or 15 years. For me. My life has turned in a different direction. And I. I'd like to think it's a direction. That I would pray. That every believer. And every. Alcoholics life. Turns into. Because of the results you get from it. And. And I suppose. What I've been more interested in. Than anything else. Is what I think is the main point. Of the book. Alcoholics Anonymous. What I think is the main point. Of Alcoholics. Anonymous at all. And that is relationship with. God. You know. In my sense. Relationship with the Lord. Because I'm a Christian guy. But I mean. But. But. It's the God of. As you understand God. And I. And I. I don't. I'm not here to shove anything. Down anybody's throat. Or impose my. Beliefs on anybody. But the point is. That's been my. My. My focus. But. But you know. If you read the steps. And you see they're all about God. And you actually read the big book. In the 12 and 12. Where it talks about developing a relationship with God. And I'm not going to. Go through and read. All the quotes from the book. Which basically says. Job and no. Job. Wife and no. Wife. It's not about that. Don't anybody say it's nonsense. They need this. All they need is. To trust in God. To cling to us. It's all about the relationship with God. It's clear. Even if you just go to the 11th step. That ultimately. Where we wind up with. Is a relationship with God. A God that works. A faith that works. And that we constantly strive. From then on in. To improve our conscious contact with him. You know. And that's why it says. One of the last lines. The big book. To see to it. That your relationship with him is right. And great events will come to pass. To you and countless others. And I suppose. With all the bells and whistles. And all the activity I do in my life. And everything I'm about in my life. Right now. No matter what step you think I'm on. Or what I'm doing. It's really all about him. And focusing on him. And looking at him. And trying to get closer to him. And that's what my life is about. So that's been reflected. That is pretty much reflected. In the steps I do. So somehow. Or some way. I guess to most people. When I get up there. Whether I'm on step four. Step five. Or step ten. It probably all sounds like. A step three meeting to you. You know. I mean it probably does. You know. Because to me. It is all a step three meeting. Because all I see is him. In every step I do. And so most of my steps. Are not. Write down this. Or do this. Or you know. Do it this way. It's all about him. And how he figures into the steps. And what's the results of believing in him. You know. And I have a real heart. For not only newcomers. But I have a real heart. For people that have been around for a long time. Nine. Ten. Fifteen. Twenty years. And stuff like that. Who are. Who are miserable. Who have not been rocketed. Who have not realized the promises. Okay. And I know those people are all over alcoholics. And you know. I've sponsored really hundreds. Hundreds of men. And I've worked with thousands of them. And although. You know. You tend to. Look at the people that are around you. Right now. And you have a lot of friends. And. Relations in AA. And you think that. But. But what. What you really never see. Is you never see. The many thousands of people that are no longer around. And I am absolutely quite convinced. That maybe 60 to 70 percent of the men. I've met in Outlaws Anonymous are dead. Or never made it. Or fell short. Or things like that. That they're actually not around. And I am very conscious of the fact that. Like it says. There's a narrow road and very few. You know. My sponsor when I first came in. It said. He said. What did he say? He said something to me. I don't know. It was a long time ago. Some sort of phrase. I'll remember it. You know. Halfway through this thing. But he said. Basically. You know. Few. Few really get this. Many are called. But few are chosen. That was a statement. I remember him saying. One of the first things he said. He says. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. Many are called. But few are chosen. And I believe that to be true. Because I've seen them slip. Five years. I've seen them slip. Ten years. I've seen them slip. Twenty years. So if you want to see. If you want to ask. What does this have to do with the tenth step? This is what this has to do with the tenth step. I've said this over and over again. I guess for the last fifteen years. The tenth step is not about taking an inventory. It's not. It's not about taking an inventory. You know why? Because it says. Continue to take personal inventory. Right? Continue to take personal. Which means they must have talked about it before. Right? Well. The inventory they're talking about. Is the fourth step inventory. The way we did in the fourth step. So. The fourth step is about taking an inventory. And when we're wrong. Promptly admitting it. Right? That's about like the ninth step. That's about the fifth step. That's about all those steps you did before. The tenth step is about one thing. And one thing only. It's not about all those other things. That you learned how to do. The tenth step is about. Continuing. Continuing is a very important thing. Continuing is the difference between. Thirty years of contented sobriety. And slipping after seventeen years. Continuing is the. You know. Every time. Every time. I've seen anybody slip. In Alcoholics Anonymous. Every time. It's because they failed to continue. Whether they got ninety days. Nine months. Or nine years. It's because they failed to continue. If I was you. And you know. And you know. I can't tell you. And I'm not. I'm not making this up. This is in theory to me. I can't tell you. How many times I've seen men. Or women. Who do the steps. Like I'm doing tonight. Who teach the steps. Who sponsor people. Who have. Who have. Who have. Who are five. Ten. Fifteen years sober. Who are as solid as a rock. Okay. Who end up drinking. Going out. Or committing suicide. So. Let me tell you something. Sincerity. Has very little to do with it. You can't nail that sucker to the wall. It's not like you can say. You. Listen. It scares me when somebody says. I ain't never going to drink again. I really got this thing. I really believe. You know what I mean. You can't nail this sucker. It's like nailing jello to the wall. You know what I mean. What this is about. Is it's about continuing. Continuing. So. If you want to figure out. What I'm going to talk about tonight. I'm going to talk about. The only thing that I think. Is important in the tenth step. The only thing this is about. And that is. Continuity of effort. Continuing. That's what I want to talk. That's what this whole thing is about. And the question is. And you know. The whole. To a certain extent. It's sort of like a mystery. You know. We sit around. Why did he slip. Why did he didn't slip. And I have a theory about that. It's a theory. I think it's born on. Fact. And experience. And I'm just. Hey listen. You know something. This is just my opinion. Doing an A meeting. Based upon my experience. My own personal life. And what I've seen. And you're free to reject it. Or accept it. Or for whatever it is. It's going to do for you. Or not do for you. I have a theory on that deal. But I want to talk about. The difference between. Between building a house on sand. Or building a house on a rock. The difference between. Being 15 years sober. And out there. In nowhere's land. And drinking. And drugging. Or having horrible. A horrible life. And not having any idea. Of how it happened that way. And not having any idea. How to fix it up. And the reason. You can't fix it up. Because the whole thing. Is built upon some crap. You laid on. And the foundation. When you had three months. And you'd have to tear down. The entire structure. In order to fix it. And building your house. On a rock. Where nothing. Cancer. Death. Nothing can move it. You know. In the. In the book. Dr. Bob. And the good old timers. It says. You know. As you know. The A. Started in 1939. I got 35. The big book. Was written in 1939. 1939. So in 1939. They said. Rarely have we seen. A person fail. Who has thoroughly. Followed our path. But their path. Did not include. Reading the big book. Because it started. In 1935. So they. They worked. This program. Whatever this program was. For four years. And then they wrote a book. And said. Do what we do. And you'll get what we got. And they didn't have. The big book. And what you. If you. If you actually. Want to look into. Reading. Conference approved. Material. There's no conference. Disapproved material. But if you want to look. At the conference. Approved material. And read the. Dr. Bob. Good old timers. Which I. Suggest you might want. To get a hold of. It talks about. Everything they did. For the first four years. In Alcoholics Anonymous. The books they read. What they did. How they did it. And believe it or not. You may find. It's hard to believe. Most of the things. They did for the first four years. Even after they read the big book. They continue to do. For 10 or 15 years. After that. Other words. If they were reading the Bible. For four years. And they stayed sober. And they wrote a book. And they said. This is the big book. Do what we did. And those guys. Did not throw away the Bible. And throw away. Every book they're reading. And say. Okay. Now let's go to the big book. The guys. Who were the old timers. They continued to do. What they were doing. For many years. And so. One of the things I did. When I came in here. And I had no religious persuasion. Or no. God persuasion. I was like every other alcoholic. You know. I worshipped. Playboy bunnies. And you know. American Express card. And you know. My ticket to freedom. Would be money. And you know. All the things that people. Complain and whine about. I worshipped that stuff. But. But somehow. Some way. I fell in with people. Because they became my way. It says. If you want what we have. And you're willing to go to any length. To get there. You're ready to take certain steps. I was fortunate enough. Or blessed enough. To be attracted to men. That were not interested in that stuff. They were interested in spiritual development. They were interested in God. And so. I read books. Like Dr. Bob. And the good old timers. And when you read Dr. Bob. And the good old timers. The three books. That they said. Were absolutely essential. They meaning. The old timers in aid. They mean. The founders in aid. And this is real. I'm not. I'm not. This is not my opinion. This is not. Some kooky thing. I found out. This is in our literature. The three books. They found were essential. Were Sermon on the Mount. You know. Which is Matthew. Five. Six. And seven. Of the New Testament. First Corinthians. Thirteen. And the book of James. As a matter of fact. The book of James. We were almost called. The James Club. It was either going to be. Alcoholics and Honest. Or the James Club. You know. Named after the Apostle James. That's how strongly. They believed in that stuff. So if you want to. If you want to. If you want to feast upon. If you want to feast upon. And understand the context. Of the stuff they were. If you want to drink the Kool-Aid. They were drinking. And find out what those guys were doing. You'd have to actually. Go through those books. Now when I came in. They sort of. I don't want to say. They watered it down. But the way I was fed it. Is in a little book. Called the 24 hour book. Which we used to have. Which you'd read. Which would be a. Which they still have. Which is a combination. Where it's a daily reading. Of reading. It would have. Saints from the big book. Saints from the Bible. Saints from the 12 and 12. And things like that. And my sponsor handed me a book. By Emmett Fox. Called Sermon on the Mount. It's not the Sermon on the Mount. It's a commentary on the Sermon on the Mount. Which is very popular in AA. But in the book. Sermon on the Mount. Which is the only sermon. Given by Jesus. In the book. It says. The last thing he says. Where he basically. Outlines the Christian life. Okay. Or outlines a life of principle. Or a life of believing in God. Or a life that works. He says this. The last thing he says. Is this. He says. The very last thing he says. After all these people are listening. They're listening to him. They're like amazed at what he's saying. The last thing he says. Is this. He says. He says. There was. He talks about building. He says. I. He says. I look at a man. Who hears the words I say. And does them. And does them. As a wise man. Because the rains will come. And the wind will blow. And his house will stay. Because it's built upon a rock. But the man who hears my words. And doesn't do them. He's an unwise man. Because the winds will blow. And the rain will come. And his house will fall. Because it's built upon sand. And that has to do with permanency. Versus something that's just here for a few months. Or a decade. Or 15 or 20 years. And then falls apart. You know there's a lot of. You know what happens is. When you have something wrong with the structure of a house. When it's not built properly. It might look good for 10 years. It might look good for 15 years. It might even look good for 20 years. But after a while. If there's a defect in that structure. That defect will take hold. And it will eventually fall. It will fall because. A 20 year marriage will go down the drain. Or you'll be sober for 20 years. And you'll not have a relationship with your children. Or you'll be lonely. Or you'll be depressed. Or you'll be popping pills. Because you'll be bipolar. Or depressed. It'll somehow show. Or you'll be angry. Or you'll be mad. Or you'll drink again. It will show up. No matter how. And you want to know something? I've been around for 30 years. I know a lot of guys who are 25 years. That want to blow their brains out. But you wouldn't know them. Because they know how to talk at alcoholics and honest meetings. They're certainly not rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence. Of which we had not even dreamed. You know. And you want to know something crazy about AA? It's like getting a driver's license. You could be a paranoid schizophrenic. And if you're over the age of 16. And you know how to drive. They'll give you a license. You want to know something? An alcoholics anonymous. You could hate the entire world yourself. And not be able to have a decent human being. With another human being or yourself. And if you stay sober a year. They're going to give you a medallion. They'll give you a medallion if you've got 20 years. But anybody who knows anything about old timers. And emotional sobriety. Everybody knows that it's not about physical sobriety. Although. I know there's some old poop there. It's important. You're not going to get anywhere. Unless you put the plug in the jug. But the bottom line is you ain't going to keep it. And it isn't going to be satisfactory sobriety. Or emotional sobriety. Or the sobriety Bill Wilson was talking about. Unless you get something else. So what I'm going to do. What I want to talk to you about. Is I'm going to read a few things. From the big book. Lest anybody report me from New York for heresy. You know. I'm going to read stuff out of the big book. About Paulson, Ottinson, 12 and 12. And here's the deal. You try to figure it out. You figure out what continuing is. You figure out what continuing is about. You figure out what they were talking about. Because you want to know something. The truth is hidden. There's like a secret in the big book. You know that? The big book carries a secret. The 12 and 12 carries a secret. There's a secret there. It's a secret as to how you can have long lasting contented sobriety. It's something. It's something. It's something. It's something. We're in the writings of the big book about Paulson on this. Now the fellowship hasn't figured it out yet. That's about the fellowship. If you tell the fellowship the secret. They'll try to beat you up. They don't want to hear the secret. Because the secret requires giving up selfishness and self-centeredness. And anything. If anybody knows anything about this disease. Knows it's a disease. That celebrates uniqueness. Individuality and selfishness and self-centeredness. So the last thing we want to do. Through a different. Many different rationalizations. You know. To rationalize. Tell rationalize. Is to figure out. out what the loopholes are. I'm an attorney. What's the loopholes? Okay, yeah, it says that. It says there is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now. But what do they mean by God anyway? Maybe it's a doorknob. Okay? A relationship with a doorknob. Maybe I was created by a doorknob. No, that doesn't work. Well, that's good enough. Good orderly direction. Maybe it's good orderly direction. Well, it says in the big book, if a mere philosophy of life or a better philosophy of life would have saved us, we would have been sober long ago, but it didn't work for us. And the problem is, the problem is, is as you read the big book, if you're going to be honest, don't they say the one thing you need is honesty? If you can be honest about the English language, the only thing that works is the deity God. Because they so much say it. They say they don't define God. They say it right here where they say, right in the big book, they say it all over, but it says, when we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new employer being all powerful, which doesn't seem to fit the doorknob. He provided what we needed if we kept close to him and did his work well. Doesn't seem to fit the cat. You know, so there's something else going on, and they talk about the creator, our creator, father of, why they liken it to a father-child relationship, to employer relationship. So they're pretty sort of like, without saying it, they're pretty clear what they're talking about. I mean, you would have to be what we call in the legal profession, willfully blind, not to see what they're talking about. Willful blindness. It's actually, it actually has to, you know, if you're carrying the 10 pounds of cocaine across the border in a suitcase, and they're giving you $100,000, you're going to have to be willful blind. You're going to have to be willful blind. You're going to have to be willful blind. And they catch you, and they open it up, and they found the 10 kilos of coke, and you say, well, I never looked inside. I didn't know it was there. It's not a good defense. They call it willful blindness. You get nabbed for it anyway, even if you didn't know it was in there. You get nabbed for the stuff in there anyway. It's not a good defense to say, I was, I didn't know because I didn't look inside the suitcase. You know, in Alcoholics Anonymous, in order to build your life upon the rock instead of sand, you've got to look inside the suitcase and see what's really there. You know, you can fake it until you make it. But listen, here's the deal. Eventually, you're actually supposed to make it. You know, you really can't fake it for nine or ten years. You get nowhere. So I'm going to read you a couple of things that I picked up, some things. And, you know, we'll see where this thing is going to take us. And I'm going to start right here. I'm going to start on Alcoholics Anonymous number three. I'll tell you where the page starts so you can check later on to see whether I'm not fooling you or something. This is about Bill Dotson, who was Alcoholics Anonymous number three. He was a lawyer, you know. And he was sitting in his living room. He was three weeks sober. And he was watching Bill Wilson. And he was doing really what I've been doing for the last 30 years around here, certainly for the last 10 or 15 years. He was thinking the same things I was thinking of when I had nine years and eight years of sobriety. His thoughts were my thoughts. He's the reader. What he's saying is the reason I went to step meetings and following these guys around. And this is what he said. It would be hard to estimate how much AA has done for me. I really wanted the program and I wanted to go along with it. I noticed that others seemed to have such a release, a happiness, something I thought a person ought to have. I was trying to find the answer. I knew there was even more. Something I hadn't got. I knew there was even more. Something I hadn't got. You ever get the feeling, no matter where you are, that there's something you hadn't got? I used to go to these meetings. I used to look at these guys. Old timers, I guess you call them. Not all the old timers, but just a few. And I knew there was even more. I knew there was something I hadn't got. And I wanted it and I didn't even know what it was. I didn't even know what it was that I hadn't got. I didn't even know how to get it. But I knew there was something more. I knew there was something I hadn't got. I feel sorry for the person that doesn't know that there's something more. That there's something he hadn't got. That's not even looking for something. You know, it says if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it. You know, some people don't even see what we have. And even if they saw it, they don't really want to go to any length to get it. You know, what did they have? I'll tell you what they had. They tell you what they had. they had. This is what they had. Right here. They say it right here in the big book. This is the book. This is our basic text. We all agree on it. It says we have found, now I want you to listen to this. Hey, let's make believe this stuff is legitimate. True. You know what I mean? That we don't give just lip service to it, but we actually believe in it. That we believe they're not lying. I mean, is our whole fellowship, is your whole life built upon lies? A book of lies? Let's believe of what they're saying. That this is the truth. We have found much of heaven. And we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence which we had not even dreamed. Now how many people think they're talking about not drinking? How many people think they're talking about not drinking? Because they could have said we stopped drinking. They probably say it somewhere later on or before that. They said we have been, we have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. Well, I'm going to tell you something. I'm not going to hurt anybody's feelings. I'm just going to tell you something. If you haven't found heaven and been rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence of which you had not even dreamed, then you don't have what they had. And you haven't got what they got. You got physical sobriety, but you don't got what they got. Don't kid yourself and believe when you got what they got. And I don't care what they got. I don't care whether you don't like me because I said that. It doesn't matter to me. Because you know the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. You know they said in A Few Good Men you come to my office and it says the truth, you can't handle the truth. The great fact is this and just the great fact is just this and nothing less. Which means nothing less. That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude towards life, towards our fellows and towards God's universe. Now listen to this. I'm going to read this to you. See here's the problem. See what happens is people read the book and they read it but they don't remember what Jesus said. He said the person who hears the things I say and does them. There are a lot of people that hear what's being said here that they don't do them, they don't put it into practice they don't even go for them. You know like it goes right over their head until they got 15 years of sobriety and their marriage is breaking up and the kids don't love them and they're sucking on the beer. And they're sucking on the beer. They're all of a gun. It goes right over their head and they're saying what's wrong. And then they're so far out there they can't even be brought back. Because they made a right turn they took the wrong exit on I-95 and they've been traveling for 5 hours and now they can't get back and they're in the woods. And they don't even know where they they don't even know that they took the wrong exit 5 hours ago. They don't even know where they went wrong. And they went wrong because they thought they were doing the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and they weren't. They were doing their program. Which was the whole thing. A whole different program. There's no skin in the game. There's no giving up anything. It says this. It says the central fact of our lives today the central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. I'm going to tell you something right now. I don't really care whether you ship it up to New York or not. If that's not happened to you you don't got this thing. Now I think it's great that you're sober. I think it's great you're picking up medallions. I think you could get it. I think maybe one day some of you will get it. I think it's great that you're all here listening. Okay? But I'm just telling you an absolute truth. If you don't have what they just said in there you don't got what they have. You don't got that deal. Now you go into an AA meeting and you ask them this. Say you go up to somebody and say do you have an absolute certainty that your creator lives in your heart? And see what they say. Why don't you just have a meeting? Hey, how about that being a topic for a meeting instead of romantic relationships? Because that's the central fact. That's the great fact. Does your creator live in your heart? Now you know you'll hear an AA if you do that? They'll laugh at you. They'll say we don't want to hear that crap. Right? Which is probably why we got problems in Alcoholics Anonymous. Why we have problems in River City. It's probably why you got a lot of people running around here not feeling so good about themselves. Because of that deal. So in any event, if you are seriously Am I disturbing you? No, am I disturbing you? Go ahead and finish up and I'll finish up when you're done. It says He has commenced to accomplish those things that He has done. Those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. So I'm going to read a few things and you figure out who they're talking about or what they're talking about. How about this one? This is right out of Step 10. Right out of Step 10. This is Step 10 in the big book. It's easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We're headed for trouble if we do for alcohol as a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent upon our spiritual condition. Now what do they mean by spiritual condition? You know how people like to say in AA this is a good rational lie. This is a good way to get out of God. You know what's a good way to get out of God? Say something like this. Well, I'm spiritual, not religious. You know, as I said, I'm a Christian. You know, sometimes a Christian will come up and he says, well, I'm a sinner. I'm a sinner. I said, really? That's why I love AA. Because in AA they say I'm an alky. I'm a pervert. I'm nuts. I'm crazy. I said, really? What do you mean you're a sinner? I mean, what do you do? You watch pornography. You beat your wife. I mean, no, no, no, no. But I'm a sinner. You know, I say, well, what do you mean? Well, I littered the other day. No skin in the game. You know what I mean? It means nothing. As a matter of fact, it's almost like saying, well, you see, I'm perfect. I'm so perfect. Listen, I'm a sinner. You know, it's almost like you say it to show that how wonderful you are. And the fact of the matter is, well, that's what this spirituality has become. Spirituality, saying I'm spiritual, has become a way of saying, of saying, basically, I don't have to believe in God. I don't really have to have my creative mind because I'm spiritual. I listen to spiritual music. I'm spiritual. What does that mean? Is that alcoholics anonymous? I mean, they use the word spiritual all over the place. But then it goes on to say this. They define it. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. How can I best serve thee? Thy will, not mine, be done. And here's a really strange thing. They have that line, thy will, not mine, be done, in quotation marks. These are the thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our willpower along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. In defining spirituality, they define it as an individual who goes through a process of spiritualization, who goes through life constantly and continuously, says, thy will, not mine, be done. Whether he's broke, whether he has money, whether he's doing well, whether he's got cancer, whether he doesn't have cancer, thy will, not mine, be done. That's how they define, talk about God's will. This whole program and everything about it ultimately comes down to define yourself in relationship to God. Not some fluffy thing. Much has already been said about receiving strength and acceptance of God. But I want to say is that your faith has led you to the right direction. It has brought you to the right direction. It has brought the right inspiration direction from him, from him who has all knowledge and power. I don't think they're talking about the doorknob. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of his spirit into us. To some extent, and spirit is capitalized. As a matter of fact, his is capitalized. To some extent, we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. We have become God-conscious. But we must go further, and that means more action. That means more action. Let's go on to the 12 and 12. Step 10 in the 12 and 12. And I've sort of culled this down. It says this. But when we approach step 10, we commence to put our A way of living into practical use day by day. In fair weather or foul. Then comes the acid test. Can we stay sober, keep an emotional balance, and live to good purpose under all conditions? You know, I think, I don't know about you, but I'm just going to tell you, as I was growing up in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know what impressed me the most? What impressed me the most is that men that were always, I say men, but also women, that were steady. You know what I mean by that? I mean, you know, you can go to AA meetings every day and you hear about people in crisis. I mean, basically what AA is, it's like a giant soap opera. I mean, really, you've got a group of 30 people. You've got 30 people that are, you know, thumb-sucking crybabies and in crisis up and down. You know, if it's not your day, it's something. I mean, everybody's in fear. The only deal is, at least we're not all in fear at the same time about the same thing on the same day. You know what I mean? But this one's got this problem, that one's got that problem, you know, and I'm not putting that down, and I understand that's the deal. But the guy that impressed me, the guy that impressed me in Alcoholics Anonymous is the guy that always seemed, he was usually an old-timer, 20, 30 years, always seemed to have his act together. He was never crying. He was never whining. He was never super, super up or super, super down. He was always in a good mood, always trying to help other people, never in crisis. And I used to assume, sometimes I would assume that he didn't have problems, that he just had, obviously, a million dollars in the bank somewhere. And then you would find out, if you hung around long enough, that these guys would have cancer. That the kids would have committed suicide. I mean, that horrendous things were going on in their lives, and they were like steady as a rock. Like the story I told about Al Kennedy, I've already told you, where I went to a meeting and he tells us, he's just talking and just helping people, and he's lifting them up, and he walks out the door. I said, man, that guy was great, and I find out he has three months to live. And he never even mentioned it. He never even mentioned it. Let me ask you something. You know, you hear a lot of whining and crying in here. You hear a lot of yelling and screaming and all sorts of stuff in here. What do you think it does to a man when you're sitting in a meeting and there's a guy who's dying next to you and doesn't even mention it and just trying to help people? That's the guy who's built his house upon a rock. That's the kind of stuff I want. I don't know what you want, but that's the kind of stuff I want. I never thought that kind of stuff was available to me. And that's what they're talking about. They're talking about continuing. They're talking about continuing, and they're not talking about continuing for a long time. They're talking about continuing and feeling crappy about yourself. Just sort of hanging in there kind of thing. And we do hang in there every once in a while. It says this. How about this one? It's a spiritual axiom. And the reason I throw this in is because I think my life, to a certain extent, is built upon this one. And I don't know how to explain this to you. You just have to deal with this. I'll just say it and you'll do it. It's a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something... There's something wrong with me. Whenever we're disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with me. You know, it's hard to do that, especially when you think somebody else is wrong, too. You know, really, there's something... I've got to look at me. But I'll tell you, when you get that, when you get that even inside you and you understand that, I think it's the great... When you accept that, it's the greatest key to spiritual freedom and understanding what's going on with you. You know, it doesn't mean you don't get off balance or you don't have problems or anything like that, but I'll tell you, what it allows you to do is anything that happens to your life that disturbs you or bothers you, you get to look at that and say, what's really going on? You get to talk about it. It sort of helps you fine-tune things. How about this one? As an insurance against big-shotism, we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God, and that any success we may have, we may be having, is far more His success than ours. I want to read that again, because I actually think it's even more than that. As an insurance against big-shotism, we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God, and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours. You get a sense as to what these people are about? I mean, I was reading from the big book, 15 years later, I'm reading about this. They're talking about an attitude of, an attitude, I don't want to say it's hard to explain, I don't think it is hard to explain, but it's like, you know, you feel like saying one of these things, well, unless you're there, you know. You ever say to somebody, you try to tell a joke, you try to tell something and it doesn't translate into English, you ever say something like, well, I guess you had to be there? You ever, you use the term, I guess you had to be there? You can't describe, I guess you just had to be there. I guess you just have to be there. I mean, how can I explain a life that no matter what's going on in your life, no matter how long you're sober, no matter what's going on, you are absolutely convinced, you absolutely know that's because of God's grace. How can I explain that to you? I mean, I know there are people in the room that are nodding their head and they know exactly what I'm talking about and there's people in the room that are looking at me and they understand the words, but they don't know what I'm talking about at all. That doesn't make it any, any less valid. I know this. I know these people knew exactly what I was talking about because they had their creator living in their hearts and minds, which was indeed remarkable. And he was changing things for them, which he couldn't change for his life, change for themselves. And I knew they knew exactly what I was talking about. And I know that I am in sync with them. And if they were here today, I could hang out with them and I could talk to them and they could talk to me because they know exactly how I feel. I know exactly how they feel. And I know that because of that, I have what they have. And that it's built upon a rock. If you don't have that deal, you know, I can't, I can't explain it. I can't, you know something? I can't explain it into you. I can't explain it into you. I can just expose myself and expose this book and let you know this is a, this is a real thing. This isn't just because Russell's a Christian or because he's religious or he believes in God. This is a real, this is the reality of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is the only thing that's real and permanent in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm not making this stuff up. It's embedded in the big book. It's embedded in the 12 and 12. No matter how much horseshit you hear in the air about how people are trying to hide it or trying to make believe you shouldn't say it or watering it down. It's right here. It's right in the middle of it. And I don't care whether you believe it or not. You'll find out about it when you're five years sober, 10 years sober and 15 years sober, 20 years sober when you drink again. And maybe, maybe then you'll remember this little conversation we're having. Nobody gets away with anything. This ain't a, this ain't a dress rehearsal. I think I screwed up. I'll try it over again next week. Page 93 of step 10. Courtesy, kindness, justice and love are the keynotes by which we may come into harmony and practically anybody, with practically anybody. When in doubt, we can always pause saying, quote, quote, not my will, but thine be done. End of quote. And we can all often ask ourselves, am I doing to others as I would have them do to me today? Not my will, but thine be done. Again in quotes, the same thing in quotes. Who are they quoting? You might want to look into who they were quoting and where it comes from. My will, not thine be done. Thy will, not mine be done. I mean, thy will, not mine be done. An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek. Having so considered our day, not omitting to take, to take due note of things well done, and having searched our hearts with neither fear nor favor, we can truly thank God for the blessings we have received and sleep in good conscience. I mean, does anybody see like a pattern here? Anybody see like a theme here? Let me finish this up by just reading the last part, something I left out. Remember how Boston Amnesty, where I started this thing off? Bill Dodson? If we go back to that thing, remember the guy who said there was something more, something I hadn't got? Well, let me read you the rest of that deal. It would be hard to estimate how much AA has done for me. I really wanted the program and I wanted to go along with it, I noticed that others seemed to have such a release, a happiness, a something that I thought a person ought to have. I was trying to find the answer. I knew there was even more, something I hadn't got. And I remember one day, a week or two after I had come home out of the hospital, Bill Wilson was over to my house, talking to my wife and me. We were eating lunch. They're sitting around the table. Bill is eating a tuna fish sandwich. You're looking for a white light? He's sitting in his living room, in his kitchen, Bill is eating a sandwich. But he was listening. He says, and I was listening. And trying to find out why they had this release that they seemed to have. What was actually going on here? Bill looked across at my wife and said to her, Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease, that I just want to keep talking about it and telling other people. I thought, I think I have the answer. Bill was very happy. Bill was very, very grateful that he had been released from this terrible thing. And he had given God the credit for having done it. And he's so grateful about it, he wants to tell other people about it. Because when you're grateful to a loving God, who for no reason that you deserve it, lifts this disease from you, you can't help but tell other people about it. And believe me, nobody understands that better than me. I don't care if people don't like me. I don't care if they walk out on me. I don't care if they talk behind my back. I don't care if they snicker. I really don't care. I'm not sober because of them. My sobriety has nothing to do with them. It really doesn't even have that much to do with the rules. Although meetings are important, all that is important. You know, in the end, at 3 o'clock in the morning, when you have the cancer, the Carl Gables Group of God, Volk Synopsis won't be there. My sponsor may not be there. Nobody may be there. You know, when push comes to shove, when everything goes, your job ain't going to be there, your boss ain't going to be there, your best friend ain't going to be there, that gal, that guy ain't going to be there. It's going to be you, alone with your thoughts, and whatever relationship, whatever you got going for you at that time. And that's when it's all going to be either rock or sand. The Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease, that I just want to keep telling people about it. It's been a sort of golden text for the A program and for me. Thank you very much.