Daily Reprieve Means Right Now, Not Tomorrow’s Meditation or Next Week’s Meeting

This is Monday, October 3rd, 1994, primetime stag, Sherman Oaks, Alcoholics Anonymous. We'll start the meeting off again the same way as always. The purpose of this meeting is to talk about alcoholism. And I know for myself, the alcoholism, the disease of alcoholism is so strong and it's so controlling and it's so hidden. And to hear this message is a real difficult time because of the concept of what it is that you have to listen to or you have to look at or be aware of. And for myself, coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, for a while, the name of the game was being sober, not drinking. It had to be that way. For me, it had to be that way. But that was lost so quickly in living. Once I got into the life out there of working or driving or being with other guys and people and everything else. And so for a long period of time, the message that I know is the message for me in my life, it was never delivered. It was never presented. It just was not. Because. The fact that now there's I know there's a lot of alcoholics that are maybe different than I am in respect to what how much brain damage they've had or whatever. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear nothing worthwhile to actually use or do differently or be differently. I just couldn't hear it. I I accepted the fact, you know, of going to meetings, maybe like you have, where you attend meetings, you attend meetings, you go to meetings, you go to meetings and so on. But you see, while all that was going on. The disease of alcoholism was growing in me without the alcohol. And I never could. I was I was never told that I was never shown that by example or by my behavior. And so I went along with this year way of life and alcoholism and I'm staying sober, going to meetings with a sponsor and all this jazz. And I was the same man sober as I was drunk. And that, you know, it was very obvious to me that I was the same man sober as I was drunk because of my anger and my hostility. And where it seems just a thought would trigger them. I didn't have to get in confrontation with somebody and then lose it. I lost it before I even seen a person. You know, all I had to do is think. And man, I'm in it again, you know. But I never once knew what that was. I never could couple that up with any any sound reasoning in my head anyway, because I thought in terms of that's the way you are. As long as you don't get drunk, it's OK to be like that. Just don't drink. See, well, that was the message. But the other the other part of this message that I'm talking about is that meetings to go to meetings after so much, so many, so many meetings, not time. I won't put it in time factor, but put it in a lot of meetings and to go to these meetings and then to leave these meetings and be the same man before and after the meeting with no difference. That that's what used to shake me up. See, it's because when I get into my car after I after I left the meeting, you know, I was a wild man. I was terrible. You know, I couldn't drive my own car. I just couldn't drive it because everything affected me. You know, and so now in them days, why, if you would describe the disease to me as a mind functioning disease, that's a power that controls me and that I'm a power that talks to me and my mind guides me and directs me and tells me how to act and how to behave and how to look at you and life and everything else like that. I mean, that's that's what I need to hear. I need to hear things enough. Call us anonymous. When I got here for a long period of time, I still have to hear it today, too. This doesn't make no difference because the disease of alcoholism is still a mind disease. It'll never, never change or get well or can't cut it out or cover it up or hide it or anything else like that because it's a character that I represent. It's me. And then this didn't make sense, see, because to come here and stay sober and work and make money, buy possessions, have a wife, kids. And every other thing goes with it. And then still have to think in terms of with anger, jealousy, resentments, looking at people suspicious. I'm a suspicious son of a gun, man. And yeah, I am. It's because I don't trust nobody. See, I learned years ago, never trust nobody. Nobody. And that's the character I brought here. So I look at you funny all the time. I'm suspicious of you, see. And hell, I'm not drunk, man. I'm a long way from the bottle. But in turn, though, I can't live with. I can't live with people. I can't have a relationship with another human being, especially a loved one, especially somebody that's close to me. Because I'm a fault finder. You know, I find fault. And I don't recognize or identify this here disease of alcoholism as a disease in me now, today, this day, now. See, I'm always looking backwards. I'm always looking, as I did something, I'm not going to do that again. Or it's going to be better tomorrow. Or I've got a long way to go. And I'm going to be okay. See, I just have to attend more meetings. And I have to look at this a little bit differently now. You know, hell, I can't look at anything different now than I ever could in my life. Because I still have the same power that brought me here, which is me. And this here meeting doesn't change this power. This reading I do and this praying I do, that doesn't change the power in me. That doesn't do that at all. But you see, I have to be shown this. Now, shown, it means I have to be exposed to it. It has to be presented to me. Because I can't figure it out myself. I want to. And I think in terms, all I have to do now is meditate a little longer in the morning. Maybe read a little bit more, see, you know. Pray a little harder, see. And make this relationship with God tighter, see. That doesn't work. It just does not work. The reason it doesn't work is because I still have the same disease of the mind. And when the disease of the mind, meaning my mind, me, is a power, the second I use it, the very second I use it, I'm back in self. I'm back in the disease. I'm back in memory. I'm back in feelings, ideas, strengths, everything. No more is there anything else in me other than me and my file cabinet, where I used to build me in there and I just pick me out any place I want to. And I'm doing it. I can do it today. I really can do it today. Just as strong or stronger today than I ever did in my life. But the only reason I'm saying things like this is that I have to be shown this power. I have to know today, this day, more than I did yesterday. And what I have to know more today than I did yesterday is it comes from a spiritual life, spiritual being, spiritual principles, spiritual thinking. They've got nothing to do with religion now. Now what this is is exactly what the steps are all about. And when the foreword of the 12 by 12 talks in there, it says that A is 12 steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which if practiced is the way of life, will expel you. Obsession and drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole. That's the bottom line. That's what A is all about now. But to actually live this or have this, when the hell would I do this? See, when will I do it? I used to man for a long time now. A long time ago. I couldn't put it together and keep it together probably 10 minutes, 20 minutes, maybe an hour. All depends what was going on in my life in the day I was in before I lost it. And when I lost it, I'm referring only to the disease of alcohol. I'm referring only to the disease of alcoholism and me charging or changing or wanting something different in my day that I'm in. I can't adjust my thinking. I just can't adjust my thinking. I still go right into self. And this character that I brought here is already formed. I already formed me a long time ago. I don't know if any of you guys look at this stuff. I don't know. But it's like this. When I was drunk and I was stupid drunk, fallen down drunk, I meant well. I really, honest to God, meant well. I wanted to get on time to go to work. I wanted to keep my job. I didn't want to punch anybody out. I didn't want to get in fights anymore. I meant well. But I couldn't do well. Something always happened. Something happened to me. My thought, the power of self. I went so far and then I went the whole damn distance. I couldn't stop me from doing nothing. And I would hurt people when I was drunk. And here I am now. I'm sober. And I've got the same character. I get into big arguments, big fights. This is years ago I'm talking about. I'm talking about when the alcoholism wasn't treated. I'm talking about before the message. And I couldn't do anything different sober than I did drunk. See, that didn't make sense to me. Because if I'm sober and not drunk, how come I have to do what I do and I don't want to do that? I mean well, and I'm sober now, and I mean well. Just like I did when I was drunk. I meant well then, too. How come I can't complete that? How come I can't finish that? How come I go into a day I'm in, and I have to get so damn mad, so excited. I get so destroyed by somebody or something that happens that day. And it really, truthfully, doesn't have any importance to it. As far as I was concerned, it didn't. It might be over a beef or something. Like that guy next door to me that ran over my flowers. I wanted to kill him. I almost killed the guy. You know, I was intending to kill him. He ran over some flowers, you know. And I completely missed it. I completely lost it. You know, I completely lost it. Man, I just, I was so ashamed of myself. I was always ashamed of myself, you know, afterwards. I'd go through it first, and then I'd get ashamed. And so this year, this disease, talking about it and describing it as I live my life. You see, I never once took in consideration, I never thought, the program recovery. Is the program recovery now? Now. Now. Now means now. Doesn't mean tomorrow, next week, next month, five years from now. Doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean that at all. See, now, this is a message. And it's a hell of a message to hear. Because I don't know how many of you guys, I don't know, think in terms of tomorrow going to be a good day because you're going to do something special. Something good is going to happen tomorrow. Something you learned today, now you can be well tomorrow. I don't know how many of you do this. I do this all, I used to do it all the time. I would always bone up on things. A man, I used to go to bed at night and I would study the 12 steps, 12 by 12, big book, Sermon on the Mount, Dr. Tebow, all night long. All damn night, never, and I still do the same thing. In fact, I did last night even. I don't sleep, I don't sleep very much. So I read, I read, I read. Well, you see, the reading that I do is not for the future. It's not for tomorrow. If I read it tonight or when I meditate and pray in the morning, that isn't for the rest of the day so that I can do it. I say, damn, please, what it's for. I have to build a character here according to the will of God and the program of recovery, and that means now. Now, this is a message that I'm talking about all the time. Now, whether you agree with it or not, I don't know. But listen, I have to have this. And what this means is right now. Because, you see, I'm always getting in trouble. I'm always getting angry. Now, I don't get angry later on tonight. I get mad and mean and I think bad right now. So why can't I have the program? Why can't I have the program of recovery in my life right now? I can't. That's what it's all about. That's what the message is all about. It's about a daily refrain. Living today. Not only living it, but living the message, the application. I live my life today. Instead of living it with alcoholism, I live it with the program of recovery now. Now, that, you know, that don't jive. It didn't to me a long time ago. But it does now, and it has for a lot of years. Because, you see, I get in trouble. My disease of alcoholism. I'm here tonight like looking at you guys, see. Now, according to me, see, the power of me, the old me, the way I am when I self-talk, I can look at you and I'm telling you I'll find fault with you. Did you ever do that at meetings? Do you guys ever do this at meetings? You look at each other and find fault? You see something, something that you think it should be another way or something like that? Well, why can't the program of recovery be a program of recovery? Now, so that I don't have to carry a brain around that's loaded, talks to me, tells me things. Why can't I be happy, joyous, and free of my mind and me? This is what I'm talking about now in the concept. But now, here's what it is. The application of the steps in the order form they're in starts out in one. And it says, I admit I'm powerless over alcohol, dash, my life's unmanageable. Now, here I'm coming now. I'm going to start building a new character with a program of recovery in God. In the day. I'm in today, this day, right now, I can admit that I'm powerless over alcohol. That means I'll never be able to take another drop of whiskey in my body as long as I live because it's a disease of the mind. It's twofold nature, body and mind. It says so. It says either one is going to kill me. It says I must hit bottom. And it says my life's unmanageable whether I'm drunk or sober. It makes no damn difference. Well, you see, this is an application now. This means that I don't just read this and then go out in that world. I'm out there and I think in terms of maybe, maybe the, uh, I don't, I don't want to drink. See, I don't want to drink in the beginning. I didn't want to drink. I had two or two, two or two harder, uh, history of drunkenness in hospitals and all that. But the point of it is, is that I didn't have to get wound up in my head thinking in terms, terms that I could, maybe I could drink again. Maybe if I did take a few drinks, things would smooth out things like this. We'll see. This is only a beginning. Now my life's unmanageable means that I can't live in the world. I'm in. Because everything about this world is wrong. It doesn't make any difference if I'm sober or drunk. I still have the same brain that creates problems, sees problems, and the character building never took place in me. In other words, I read, I read step one, but after I read it, I went to two and then when I went to two, I left one behind me. I didn't take one with me in character and character building. I didn't take with me. And so this year didn't jive. So here's, I am now. I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous and learning this from the Sermon on the Mount that I can do and be somebody today through the application of steps because when step two says I came to believe in a power greater than me that will restore me to sanity, that's right now. I believe in a power greater than me. I call him Lord. I call him God right now. This, this Lord, this God that I'm talking about is, is a relationship I have right now with this here God right now from the step application right now. Assures me that God will give me sanity, soundness of mind. Will give me all things that I need right now. The character that I am from the step application, not from the meeting, not from the reading, not from praying on my knees, I have a relationship with a power that isn't me. Before, you see, I had a relationship with a power that is me. I'm the one that says get mad. Do this, do that. I'm the one that talks to me in the day I'm in. I listen to me and I get in trouble. See, this is, this is something now that I had to bring into today's life and keep it in today's life so I could change and be different. So I could have, like my sponsor had, he had nine years when I yelled for help. And I thought I had to wait nine years before I get help. I thought in terms that after maybe 100 meetings or, or whatever, or I've heard as high as five years, you have to wait five years before you can have this program. I heard that, you know. Wouldn't that be a hell of a note? Nine. Nine, okay, nine. Wouldn't that be a hell of a note if we had, had to come here and we had to wait and wait and wait until a time factor says now you can have, this God will come into your life now. Wouldn't that be something? But see, it isn't like that because all the wording that comes out of these steps that's already in print, nothing I say, it's already there. And this here wording always says the same thing. It's like a page you read by. It says I'm not cured. I'm not cured of alcoholism. What I really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. I can't tie all of this stuff up. And yet, though, everything is tied up. Everything in Alcoholics Anonymous, starting on, up to the page, up to 164 in your big book and from, from, what is it, on your 12 by 12. It starts on 21 up to 125, 104 pages, 105 pages, okay. It's always about, that's right. And there's a bunch of them. It tells you about everything. It tells you about the uniqueness of the meaning of God's cut technique. It tells you about the personality and tongue of God it tells you. It can give you a long time but, but really what helps you is what happens next by the construction of everything. Do what you're doing and this, this, you're doing that rather than not doing yourself to get it right. The only thing you're really worried about is the way you feel it. Okay? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, the thing about this concept that I'm talking about is that, you know, a long time ago when I got here, I couldn't laugh. My eyes were on the floor. I was hurt. I hit the bottom. I was in such a mess all the time. And then as I come to meetings, it took me two and a half years before I made a beginning at all, just touching it. And then the message that I'm talking about was not given, was not offered then. And yet, though, it's being offered all the time right now. There are many of you here I know that know the message. And the message is always in print. It's not your message or my message. And it's all about Alcoholics Anonymous, why it's even here, why you come to meetings. I never used to question these things. Did you ever question yourself? Did you ever question yourself of why you keep coming to meetings all the time? I've lived in meetings all these times. I don't think anybody's went to more than I went to. But you see, I never knew why I come to meetings. I never knew this alcoholism disease or what it really is. I want to be somebody in this world, somebody that doesn't have to fight, somebody that doesn't have to hurt people, somebody that can go to bed at night and feel rested in your mind, feel good about what you say and do and think of people. I want to be like that. I ask God all the time. I ask God all the time to help me and to show me and to allow me to have his power according to will. Is it possible? And so this means exactly the message here in Alcoholics Anonymous is trying to find the world I can live in and want to live in. Try to find people, the people that are good people. And they're all over the place. But you see, when I'm with me in the disease, there ain't no such people. Everything's a rat race. Everything is against me. I'll love you one minute and hate your guts the next minute. I'll love you. I'll love you. Everything I'm talking about now is no more than a description of alcoholism. It's about a mind that's already fixed. It's a mind that's hurt. It says so in the steps. It says it in Phase 23. It says it in Step One where it says in there, glass in hand, I work my mind. In Step Two says I'll admit I'm a problem drinker, but in fact I won't admit I'm mentally ill. You bet I'm mentally ill. I was mentally ill back then and I knew it. Because nobody behaves like I used to behave. Nobody does that. I did. And so, you see, to talk about things in Alcoholics Anonymous, why not talk about the things that are going to save your life? They're going to give us something that you can use, you can benefit from, that you can do something different. That's what this meeting's about, because, you see, the application of steps is no more than living the steps as you live your life today. That's the application I'm talking about. Now, that sounds kind of far-fetched. It used to to me a long time, but not now. Now, you see, if I'm all wrapped up with me, if I'm listening to me and going to me for information, for feelings, or anything else like that, I've got a warped brain. I've got a mind that's distorted. It's perverted. It goes the wrong way all the time. It wraps up in the selfie self. But that's the old character. Why can't I live in today's world today with a power behind me that makes it possible, meaning God, and a method, meaning the application of the steps, so that I don't have to live like I used to live? Now, this is what steps are about. I was doing, this weekend, I was doing four, five, and six real heavy. And four, five, and six, to me, see, it's such an encompassing thing, deep thing, where you have to go in your mind, thinking, and everything else. Not me. I mean when I'm trying to help somebody, because of the fact it's hard to see yourself. I know I never could see me in the day I was in. Self. Self would never show me, because self was always telling me that I'm going to do better, that I'm all right, and this, that, there, and I listened to that. And when I listened to it, I remained who I am. And I don't want to be like that. I want something else in me besides what is in me. I don't want me talking to me. I don't want my way of figuring things out. I don't want my mind talking to me and telling me all this here memory stuff and about yesterdays and how well it's going to be. I don't want none of that crap. Why can't I do stuff? Why can't I do, and right here, right now, why can't I have an open mind? You know what an open mind is? Man, I used to struggle with an open mind for a long, long time, because I was a mechanic, and I'm pretty damn smart, and I know a great many things, and I know more than the next guy does, and all kinds of stuff is going on in my brain, see. And my brain is so tight and so closed, and whether I'm right or wrong don't mean no damn difference. It's so tight, it's so closed, man. And so this here kind of world that I lived in, I come here to Alcoa. It's Anonymous, and I've got to have an open mind tonight, now, I've got to. But how can I, when my mind won't let go? It just won't let go, because it's me again. And yet here at Alcoa, it's Anonymous, it says in chapter two that I must have an open mind, truly have an open mind. I must quit arguing. I must quit arguing or debating society with chicken or the egg, with life. Sitting here tonight, how many times now today did you argue with something? How many times a day did your mind shine shut and say, I'm going to stay shut about something? Well, you kept an opinion, a preconceived idea that you've seen somebody, and you still thought the same way about them, and you thought yesterday because yesterday they acted badly, so you think today they're still no damn good. That's a closed mind. That's a mind that step two says that I can't use no more. They're teaching me in Alcoa is Anonymous how to live in the day I'm in so my Alcoa isn't going to be treated, because I'm applying the step today for my life today. I'm building the character today. I'm actually building a character today with God in the program, and this is an application. That if I will do what God says to me that I can do with his power, why can't I do it? The only thing that would ever stop me is me. And this is important to know because to come to this meeting and then leave this meeting and have to leave the same way you got here to me is pretty bummed. It's pretty bummed to spend an hour and a half at a meeting and have to go home and still go home with the same guy you brought here with no hope and no change. No nothing. Your same character. See, I'm talking about me because if I don't change, I'm going to have to do my life again and again the same way. My past is always my present. I'm still walking with me, and I'm still walking with my memories and my mind being closed and all of my defects and everything. And I can't do anything that I want to, but I can't. I used to wonder at times why I get so furiously mad. I was raging mad inside. I used to be mad outside and inside. And then all of a sudden I was mad inside. And most of the madness I had inside was about me, about how you treated me or how you abused me or take advantage of me, how I do so much, and you don't do nothing. I've got a mind that just controls me. And it controls me everywhere I go in all of my affairs. And I don't know that. I don't know that disease of alcoholism is on all the time. If you're a disease, if you're an alcoholic with disease of alcoholism, if it is not being treated right now, you've got the disease of alcoholism right now. I don't know if you abide on it or not, but I do. This here has got to be a message to hear. Because why not find a world that God keeps offering? Why not find what this program of recovery was put here on this earth for? Back in June 10, 35, when Dr. Bob and Bill got together, there wasn't any recovery before this. There was less than 2%. Imagine that. Every one of us had to die if it wasn't for Alcoholics Anonymous. We'd have to go insane or just get locked up or die. All because of what? Just going to meetings? Just reading? Just staying away from the bottle? That'll never work. It just won't work that way. Something has to happen. Something has to be there. What is it? It's a method of living. It's a brand new character that I live today. As I live today, the new character is being built today. I've been sober a lot of years. And I still have to be the same today as I've always been. And I have to have the grace of God on me. And I have to have the method. Today, this day, me. Me, right now. Years don't count. They just don't count. Because of the fact of what the disease is. It's a disease of the mind. It's a mind controlling disease. It's a mind that will power you and kill you. That's what this message is about for me. You know, the step application. I like to talk about steps. You know, some of you guys know. You know how Perry and I know this. We go up to retreat and I talk about steps. Steps, steps. Section application. But, you see, that's a way of life. That's the thing that I live. And that's how I live and that's what I do. When I do that, then the disease is not there. The recovery program or the new man or God. As I live it, I do it. As I live it, I think it. Act it. Be it. See, this is something for tomorrow. I can't bone up on nothing tonight. I can't study that book tonight. And go out there and then meet adversity tomorrow. I can't do that. It's impossible. I don't know if you should buy this or not I don't know but it has to be this way because the disease when it's on it's on full blast when I get in trouble and if I stay by myself I got the disease that's all I've got I've only got me my track record tells me that I don't know if your track record tells you that but this has got to be looked at exposed and at least be presented with it it's like food you present the food you will get no benefit looking at the food until you eat it this is spiritual life this is a spiritual message that I'm talking about by Alcoholics Anonymous by a power called God the Lord of my life that every one of us and the bottom line on this is the same thing all the time the daily reprieve is continued on the maintenance of my spiritual condition what's my spiritual condition what's step 11 says step 11 says I sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understood him praying only for the knowledge of his will for me and the power to keep me I carry that out I grow spiritually daily only by step 11 only by prayer and meditation consciously consciously is when every wakeful moment I have and this is the message that I'm talking about and believe me to me this isn't this isn't hard to do it's hard to keep doing but it isn't hard it isn't something that you have to study for it isn't something that you have to find be unique in some way or another to make it happen it's for each and every one of us there's only one set of steps twelve of them for every one of us regardless of who we are from what part of life it doesn't make no difference so why would that be like that why would that work why would that treat your alcoholism me and you and all of us yet we're all different how come it's a mind disease that's why it's a mind disease where a power greater than self has to be there this is serious stuff what I'm talking about right now because this is the stuff that I'm scared of this is the stuff I don't want to hear talking about I don't want you talking and telling me about how I have to pray and how I have to look at God or call God by name or anything else like that I didn't want no part of this at one time but there came a time two and a half years after I come down from the synonymous two and a half years of fighting the world and the only thing I was fighting was me I wasn't fighting the world I was fighting a mind that just wouldn't do what I need to do and it's all in step application every bit of it is that's why step two is so strong in my life to talk about step two so that you can qualify and go to three so you can make a decision to turn your will and your life over to carry God as you understood him from two what does that mean? what's your will and your life? that's every damn thing that I ever be that's every thought I'll ever have that's every performance I'll ever give he doesn't want my clothes my car but he wants me and the day I'm in to do his will this is why step application treats alcoholism because it treats my mind anybody want to talk? Ben come on in come on in damn an alcoholic happy birthday Charlie happy birthday Anderson nice to see you guys take kicks I've been I've been working like overtime on this and it's paying off again and again and again I spend I've been here all for three years since this meeting started Friday I I was having a hard time with with with my my job and I called someone who I really look up to and he said to me you know if you talk shit about the people you're in business with you talk shit about the business if you talk shit then that's you're transparent and people can see that and you're going to walk away and they're going to think boy that guy's got a shitty attitude and Bob talks about that every Monday night that I've been here I've heard him talk about that I've heard him talk about people looking for jobs and you know you're carrying the burden you're carrying this stuff around and you're dumping it out people are going to see that they're not going to hire you and this man who's not in AA he's not sober and is like the most well respected person in his field in the world who said call me if you need help and he said that to me and I thought man here it is again here it comes around again tonight before I came here somebody that I work with calls and drops this huge bomb on me of something that happened and it was amazing of God is or he isn't this program of recovery is or it isn't and before I fed into oh what am I going to do how am I going to do this how am I going to do that how am I going to do this it came up again of you know I try to apply the steps in my life the best of my ability at all times and the natural reaction was he is or he isn't I mean I get on my hands and knees every day and turn my will and my life over to a power and then I take it back I put too much effort into what Bob talks about a lot that thing of you know you look at somebody and you think oh what an ass look at the way this guy is dressed look at the way this guy is this I used to put so much effort into that if I put half the effort into going to the source that Bob talks about if I put half the effort into my reading if I put half the effort into staying out of my brain that I put into thinking what a douche bag that guy is and I don't even know him look at the way he drives it's like the last the last year of this has really started I can see the change in my life I can see I am I'm getting married in two weeks and it has been it's like the most exciting time of my life somebody does I have been able to form a partnership with this woman she has never seen me drunk she's never seen me act like that complete utter asshole by the grace of God in the 12 steps yeah Gino's going like that the rattlesnake but she has seen me she has seen me drive my car she has seen me drive my car and the guy in front of me a few times but I mean it's just it keeps revealing itself of how how all these things that that have to do with my living not my life it's just it's been amazing of of how my life has become important and how how this message really really does work and I used to sit here and think God how does he do it and how do these people do it that would talk and I really started applying myself and I have the tape with me and I listen to the tapes all the time I call my sponsor every day I've learned how to how to thank God how does he do it and how do these people do it that would talk and I really started applying myself and I have the tape with me and I listen to the tapes all the time I call my sponsor every day I've learned how to how to build a relationship with another man that I tell him I love him you know this is stuff that man I never told my dad this is all stuff that I never could do before and it's and it's because of this message and I'm just grateful I could be here thanks my name is Nelson I'm an alcoholic whoops it's really good to be here I need to be here I'm under sponsor direction to share so I'm doing that things are a lot of change is going on in my life I'm you know coming off of medication for the first time since my sobriety I got put on it and I'm coming off you know antidepressants and it's really difficult but I'm learning to live with it and I'm learning to live without my wife who's on the road with the rock and roll band for a year hi Bernard and I'm really just grateful to be here and I just wanted to share that thanks and alcohol and the man and the man and the man I'm glad to be here happy birthday Charlie Anderson you still here? he was here I just like what I've been hearing tonight about especially about step seven I just want to share something with you quick I go to a noon meeting at in the Marina Center in Culver City and it's a it's kind of a different kind of meeting this place is kind of like an Alano club in that they have three meetings a day there and I'm having a real tough time with I get to watch my alcoholism at this meeting and you know I vowed to myself and prayed that I won't I go in there and I start talking to God because what their format is it's a step study and and they will share on that step and except nobody ever sticks to the format so what I do is I go in and the first thing and they do a drunk you're supposed to share on step ten and the guy does a drunk allot and today the guy did a drunk allot for the first half hour for twenty eight minutes and then said one thing about and I'm praying the whole time God help me please God and then and I got myself and one of the guys I know I work with he's sitting next to me and I'm thanking God that he's there that God put him there for me to kind of keep my mind in control and so then the guy and the guy the poor guy that was sharing he also did drugs and a lot of what he was talking about was drugs so people started to share and ask questions and he did do about a minute and a half on step ten and I wanted to ask him and I wanted to ask this guy my mind told me to ask him and I saw my hand going up and my mind told me to ask him if he had done the twenty questions to see if he was an alcoholic or not and I got a problem with a mind that talks to me and that talks out of control and it just more and more it points up to me how I have to keep checking in with God during the day especially when I'm irritated especially when those little things when I could be doing the contrary action because what's step seven for me but looking at that guy and not taking the action but taking the opposite action but going to God and I just see this this in operation so much more and thanks Bob I still have half a minute but I just want to tell you I'm a drunk I'm not a drunk and I just want to say thank you thank you thank you thank you I'm not going to give you my name is Perry I'm an alcoholic it's good to be here sober and happy birthday to Charlie You know what my brain's telling me? I don't like what Charlie said. Charlie's giving Bob credit for my store. My 10 items are in that store. He's got his own flowers. But I'll steal everything that he's got. I really will. Untreated alcoholism. God is the Lord of my life and the day that I'm in. Steal it all. This is a good way to live. And it's become a way of life for me. I was riding in a car with a guy today. I guess guys had started nicknaming me the Hammer. Because I'm riding with this guy and we're talking. And he's saying things to me about self and the importance of self. And today I don't attack you. Because the message is from me. I don't give a damn what you're saying. If it doesn't have anything to do with this application, I start talking about this application for me. Because I have to. It's a way of life for me. And he was talking about self. And I said, that's alright for you. But can you answer this question for me? Why does step two say I have to have a power greater than self? Why do I have to have a power other than self if self is self-sufficient? I can't go with self. Self is alcoholism. That's who self is in me. It is absolutely alcoholism in the day that I'm in. And riding with this guy, I'm looking in a mirror, see. And without this application, I grab him by the throat and I start choking him. See, because I hear more today. See, I've got a real quick mind. And I hear you. And on the street they say this. This is what they say on the street. This fucker's working me. He's playing me. And I know he's playing me. And I don't get played because I'm the man. I'm the man. This fucker's working me. This is what I do without this application. I really do this. I do it in mind. And I will do it and I will say something. And I will hurt this guy. Deliberately. I'll hurt him intentionally. You're being sarcastic. I hear that shit. I want to show you, you don't do that to me. Because I'm the man. I got the application. And it didn't happen like that. It absolutely did not happen like that. Bob made me aware of something. You don't have the power but I can give you the power. I can give you the power to disturb me. In my body. In my brain. In my soul. In my body. And I can do that. I can do that. I can do that. I can do that. I can give you the power to disturb me. I can do that. In my brain, any time I stop associating my life to God, at any moment, any instant that I stop the application of the principles in the 12 steps to my life in the now, in that instance, you've got the power. And I got out of this car with this guy, and I was able to say, dude, thank you for the ride. And he says to me, man, I'm going to take some of that stuff that you were talking about. I'm going to start using some of that. Whether he does or not, it isn't important. I have to take it. I have to use it. I have to use it for my life. I'm grateful for this way. I'm grateful that I was made aware of this way of life. I'm grateful to know that I can go to God any time, not the ritualistic God, but to really have a conscious contact with God right now. See, this way is not an option for me. Leading in the day that I'm in isn't an option. See, going to God isn't an option. It's a necessity. It is an absolute necessity for me to live in the day that I'm in and to be the man that God wants me to be. And I do that. I do that a whole lot of days in the now, right now. And I'm grateful to you, Bob, for this way and this application and the men in this room tonight. Thank you for letting me share a little bit. What Dan was talking about, what Perry's talking about is that... What Perry's talking about is something that a long time ago I couldn't hear this or couldn't get it. And yet, though, it's there for each and every one of us, see? And it comes through application of the steps. Now, what I'm talking about is step two. And what Dan was talking about, too, there, see, is that I have to believe in something other than self. I must have to. I've got to. Every one of us has to do this now. Whether you agree with it or not is not important. What's important, though, is to recognize something. Now, why this step is in the second position, logically in the second position. The first step is there because of alcohol and then because of the unmanageable life. But the second step, building a character. And it says in there, I must have an open mind. I must quit debating. See, so when I got here, I didn't realize this second step, too. It says, I came to believe in a power greater than me or restore me to sanity. I don't know what a power means. I don't know the word power. I know the word power by writing. I know the word power by riding motorcycles, hill climbing, and fighting, and strength, and, you know, horsepower, and all that kind of crap. But I don't know what the power they're talking about in reference to my life because I self-talk. Now, self-talking is not thinking. Thinking is involuntary. Thinking is going on whether I'm sleeping or awake. It doesn't make no difference. It's like my heart beating. See, I can't tell it to stop. But I can tell my mind by talking to my mind. And by listening to my mind, what it says and everything else, it's a power. But you see, I still can't identify that. I still can't do this. The reason I can't do it is because I don't have the power to do that. And I don't couple this thing up. Now, self-talking, see, is something I should never do because it's coming from the wrong source of supply. It's coming from a mind that's injured. It's coming from a power that's me. It's coming from the very same thing that I used to do. And I drink over and live with it still the same way when I'm sober, because it's me. And this year, I cannot get this across to me, because I mean well and I want to do well and I think I'm going to do well. I think maybe I just have to bone up a little or just study or play more or something like that. That isn't what it is at all. So to talk about this stuff here in Alcoholics Anonymous at this meeting here, at least to be presented with a mind of faith so that maybe you can look and see yourself. To look at yourself, be exposed to yourself. So that in the day you're in, this day to day, whatever is going down, it's only going down in the second you're in. So if you can do something different, why not do something different? But you have to have the power that makes it different. Self-talking won't get us. Self-talking is an authority. It's the main man, what you were talking about, Perry was talking about. I'm the main man. In other words, I'm the one that thinks and acts according to my will. About life, about everything. And yet though, step two says in principle, as I build my life today, and I'm building the character today, I can have an open mind. I can quit arguing. I can have a power greater than me. I can talk to this power because it's a power that can do something I can't do. And it says I'm going to come to believe in that power. How the hell would you believe in something if you stay with what you got? You can't. I talk to me, I believe in me. I talk to God, I believe in God. Because this is a... This is a way of life that shows me, it's self-evident, that when I talk to something other than me, I have better results, I have better days, things look better, everything looks better. I even ask God how to read. I ask God all the time how to read. Today, this day. Because I can read more of the same reading I did yesterday and yesteryears, and it's the same reading, how come I can get more out of it? Jesus, I've read it for so many years. Shouldn't I be able to read that? No, I don't. Because it's spiritual value, it's spiritual life. It's something that I need to know today that God will present it today because I'm God-conscious today. God-conscious today is my mind, instead of being self-conscious, which is the application of step two and three. When I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to God, that's your God-consciousness now, instead of self-consciousness. But that's an application. That isn't a thinking thing, a talking thing. That ain't word things. That's a living thing. That's a living thing today. That I'm... I'm guaranteed, I'm backed up. My Heavenly Father is taking care of me right now. No harm will come to me. This is the thing that saved my life. We were talking before about this way of life. When you go to a hospital, you guys know, some of you know how bad off I was and how seriously I was hurt. I'm going to die and everything's there. You don't think for one minute I talk to me and he says, yeah, you're going to die. But I would probably die because that's the way it is. But instead of that, no. My Heavenly Father said, no, stay with me. Trust me. Pray to me. And be with me. I'll strengthen you. I'll guide you. I'll take care of you. That's step application. That ain't church application. I'm not preaching. I'm not talking, I'm going to get on my knees and I pray to God. I have a living God. A God consciousness. A God-powered person am I because I relate my life to him through the steps. Man, I'll tell you, this is one hell of a message. Because left up to me, I'm like you. I couldn't do a damn thing. I'd have to fight again and struggle again, take defeat again, lose again. I don't want to lose. I want to win. I want to win in the day I'm in. I mean my life. I don't mean money or possessions. I want to have exactly what I know is here to have because I've had it for so damn long now. And it's no more than the will of God, the grace of God in the day I'm in so I don't have to run to me and run to my fears and my resentments and my yesterdays. I don't need to. I can stay in the day to day because I live today. And the character that I am today is based on that. How about somebody else? Thanks, Bob. You know, it's so funny because, you know, when you... Come on. I said I'm Nadir of alcoholism. I mean, you don't know that by now. You know, it's so funny because I was just, you know, like looking at this book and at the bottom of that page 25 it says that if you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe that there is no middle of the road solution. We were in a position which love had become an impossible and we have had passed the line from which there is no return to human aid. We had two alternatives. One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best as we could or other to exhibit spiritual health. You know, and that doesn't mean that while you're drinking. That means, I think, that means that when you're sober because I really know that I can just go on and just, you know, just blotting my gut and just being sober. Being that, you know, lovable, spiritual, make-believe life, you know. Because it's an amazing thing because, you know, the Sermon on the Mount says that heaven is where God's presence is, you know. And I've tasted that, honey. I really know what it's like to be in that state, in that state of grace, you know. And the self, the self-discipline is so strong, you know. I've been, you know, I am the one, I am the problem, you know. Baba would say, you see, you're a problem people. If you think if that's your problem, go take care of it. You're on another one in five minutes, you know. And that's the story of my life. And, you know, so I am at that road that is so narrowed now that I really can't afford being with self. I really can't because the self, my ism is getting so strong as I'm getting, as I'm staying sober for this long that, you know, if I turn to it, that's going to kill people. I mean. I've been moving, you know. Last week, you know, Monday, I had kidney stones that took me to the hospital. I was in pain. And then on, I went with self. I have no idea how it happened. I was moving. And, you know, this thing was really heavy. It's frigid. We didn't go in. I had these two puny guys that it was my fault to hire in the first place. And then these neighbors were standing there talking, not helping me. Don't you know? They're going to help me. You know, and they're all at the same place, right? And I thought they were all just flying against me. I really did. I mean, I became a Gestapo. My, my, my, my alien blood started boiling. You know, it was really. So I turned around and I just gave it to them. And I said, what the hell are you doing? And my mom there is standing there going. And I'm like, what? And I said, damn. You know, there it was. I get, you know, I let it, I let myself get so tired, so tired. And I run with the cell to the end and boom, the explosion. And I can't afford that. I cannot do that because, you know, I have a bad heart. Yeah, really. I can't do this. And, you know, I realize that because when I'm with God, when I'm with God, my blood pressure is down. Really, my heartbeat is down. Things are. Manageable. You know, I love that. I like that serenity of that, that I've known. And I, that self comes and want to ruin everything. That self-destructive self. And that's an amazing thing. I've been doing, I mean, I've been trying to do this, this way of life for a long time, you know. And self hops right in. Here we are. Let me take care of everything. You know, I, you know, and the result is always the same. The result is always confusion, because I'm a producer of confusion. I really am. I mean, I pray, I say, God, you know, let me, let me bring harmony when there is discord. Let me bring love when there is hatred. I really, that's my favorite prayer of all time, because I know who I am. I'm a creator of confusion. I'm the director that the book talks about. You know, I want to just, just, just put you here, here, here, here. And if you move. I'm going to slap you, you know, seriously, alcoholic as we are, because I am very seriously alcoholic. I know that as a fact today, you know, and I love when Bob says here. Now, he always say that here. Now, just now, you know, people say, you see, you know, you know, you know, he says, you know, you know, I don't know if you notice that. That I've noticed that a lot, because when you talk to hear now, you know, I don't know if he knows because it's now and God is so beautiful to be now. You know, I'm going to the lady's house tonight. I'm going to buy some flowers and cards. I really am going to to apologize because because, you know, this is not me. I mean, I can't hurt anybody because my tongue is my weapon. And I didn't know I had that much rage in me. I really didn't know I had that much rage in me. And this really scared me, really scared me because I can't do it. I really can't. I mean, that complete surrender that he talks about is that on a daily basis. It's like this is like this cloud that creates so many drops. Each drop of each day has to drop in the ocean and dissolve in the whole thing. You know, that's the complete surrender that I have to do because I don't know if you are seriously an alcoholic as I am, because I am cunning, baffling and powerful. Really am. And that really scared the shit out of me. You know, once again, it goes right out the door. Thanks for the show. I was I was talking before about the choice, you know, like what Perry was talking about. You know, for a long time I had a I had to hear this here more than once. A lot of times is that as an alcoholic with alcoholism, I don't have a choice. There is no such thing as a choice because I used to look at this as a choice all the time, the steps, the application, the way of life and praying God and everything like that. And I was picked and choose. And I was figuring out I have a choice to do this. See, and I didn't realize exactly what this choice is. I don't have a choice. In other words, if there was an age like here's the Alcoholics Anonymous and here's another program over here that does something different, that would be a choice. Either I can go here or I go there, but I don't have a choice about myself. I'm already who I am. I'm already fixed. I'm already the alcoholic with alcoholism. Either I do this or I die. That's not a choice. That isn't when. So to have this here message delivered, it means only this, that at least at least look at it. If you're an alcoholic with alcoholism, if you're here because of your life, what you came from, at least look at it, at least let it be presented to you to see if you're the same man sober as you were drunk. If you still treat your gals, your your friends, your your family or your anybody, the same way, if you've got a mind that looks at them viciously, that you can turn on like a rattlesnake, man, I'll tell you, this is a time to look at the thing, to see something, to identify it. Because alcoholism isn't in a bottle. It's in a mind. And I never heard this. Anybody else? I can't alcohol. Thank you. Gosh, I've been hearing this message for a year now. This is. I was sitting back there thinking about all the different things I accomplished in life, all the different struggles that, you know, I've never ran across anything. This message is to hear. I mean, I mean, I thought, you know, I earned a college degree, a B.A. And, you know, I thought that was hell. And but this is the hardest damn thing I ever had to deal with in my life. I mean, I know about mechanics, too, by me and my father. We did a clutch job in a rain, you know, pouring down rain. And I thought that was something. But when it's done, it's over. College, I have this paper. That's over. So I can come here tonight. And after I leave here, it's not over. No, I can't. I can't. I can't perform like I always want to perform. And, you know, I've been trying to work this thing as best I can. And recently I've taken a vacation, you know, and some days I feel that, like, look, I can't walk and chew gum at the same time. So and what I mean is some days I feel bombarded with the fact that I can't work. I'm trying to talk to God and and walk out of my place where I live. And and it's it's hard. It's the hardest thing I ever did in my life. You know, I come from a strong, you know, ego and maniac. And everything was taught to me to be this kind of man, you know, masturbate with God, I was taught to be, you know, egotistical like that. And it's hard to break it down. I'm trying my best. And, you know, today, today I was in cell all day. I said, I ain't talking to nobody. No. And that's what I had to do. You know, I didn't want to be that way. But I was I wanted to just tell God I need a break. You know, I just need to relax because for me, for me to change and talk to God every day and all day. That's a job. I need to get paid for that. Well, I don't know about nobody else. You know, that's that's a full time job. That's a full time job. You should get benefits and everything. I don't feel I don't I don't know what I'm saying. It sounds very profound. It's something secret that you guys are laughing at, I know. And this is the job. And all I know is, you know, I wanted to stay home and watch the football game. And I said, look, you know, I got to I got to the fact that I didn't even want to talk to nobody today, another human being is the reason I had to leave the football game and come down here because I know I don't have. I know I don't have it. I need I need more. I need to hear it more. And I'm thankful you're here. Thank you. Except that he's talking about. And he's talking about is the thing that I'm trying to drive home all the time is the program recovery is a program recovery and an application as you live your life. Now, it isn't something you're going to do later on today, tonight, tomorrow, whatever. If you don't change now, in other words, you have to separate self from the picture, but that's what step two is all about. And so that means that now, today, this day, every one of us, according to the will of God and the message and the program recovery, you can build a new character right now. See, Kenny's talking about something I couldn't get past for a long time. That's a long time ago is that I couldn't get away from me. I could not stop me in the day I was in because I tried to stop me. And I don't have the power to do that. It says, though, on page forty five, your big book. But what it says, though, that I can be born again. Born again is in page sixty three in the big book. What that is, is no more the daily reprieve today. As I live. I live my life today. I live it according to the power greater than me and the method, meaning the established steps, principles, spiritual and nature. Self is not in the picture. Self is not there to stop me. I don't have to keep looking at life. Should I do this? I do that. I think this, I think that I don't do that. I'd never make it if I did. But I can be somebody now with a mind that isn't mine powered by me. It's God conscious mind. This I can do. I can be kind, gentle, considerate, loving to people today. Not by my power, not by me as the old me, not by who I brought here, but by the new character. I can do this. I really can do it. I can show love. I can see things today I couldn't see yesterday. Now, you see, I have the ability one time to try to stop me from getting mad at you because I want to be I want to be right. But after a while, I can't do that. I still got to get mad. I can't do it because you do it too many times. You do it too often and I lose it. How about living so I don't see it the first time? How about that? That's exactly what I do. I don't feed me by me. I don't I don't I don't have a file cabinet no more that I go into. I keep this life that I got going today only by the grace of God doing his will, meeting the step application, meaning principles. So I'm not loaded with me. I don't have to kick out my brain. Kick this out. Don't do this. Don't do that. I used to do that. I used to live like that. You don't have to live like that. I'll guarantee it. I'll give it to you in writing and sign it. This is a way of life for each and every one of us, because it's still only 12 steps that treats every one of us as we live in that world out there, even though we're different. So what is it? It's a way of life. It's a new character. You're not living with the old character. You're not doing your thing that Ken's trying to do. Ken's doing what I used to try to do. He's trying to make deals. He's trying to do this, trying to do that. All he has to do is go into the grace of God. And then his mind will see only what the grace of God presents. Not his yesterdays, not his adversities of any kind or anything like that. No, no, it wouldn't work in praying. Let me tell you, I'm not talking about praying on your knees. Oh, you have to do that. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a mind function that isn't driven by self. A mind that doesn't talk to self, a mind that doesn't see from yesterday, a mind that doesn't go into the future, a mind that lives in a day that I'm in doing what I should do today for my life. When it's your life, you'll do the same thing for your life, not for mine. So this is a message. Now, this is something serious, because why keep coming to meetings and suffer? Why go into depression, resentments, memories, hurts and harms? Yesterday's crap, man. I can't live like that. I don't live like that. I want to see something today and be somebody today that I know damn well, my Heavenly Father says, I'll reward you today to stay with me in the world I live in now is a good world. Good people, people that really love me, really take care of me, really are concerned about me. Man, that's beautiful. I'll tell you, I read you, I'll call it. I read it. And my life is, it seems to be changing. So quickly, rapidly where I hear God talk about, you know, ask God to give me the words. I don't want my words, but to give me the words. And when I'm reading, you know that I could comprehend, you know, and then when I'm listening so I can hear, you know, and not leave the room, you know, spend the whole hour and a half here because there's obviously something here. And if I'm thinking about something else or leave the room, then I'm going to miss what it is that I came here for. And, you know, it's in everything, you know, it's just I visualize, you know, where I am in my life, you know, and when I go into my head, you know, it's when I go to myself. And so I try to just isolate that and not go there. You know, and I heard someone talk about, you know, loving with your heart, you know, and I try to visualize that, you know, when I'm sharing or when I'm interacting with someone else, if I feel, you know, can visualize, you know, I'm expressing or coming from my heart, you know, that then it's genuine and there's something there, you know, it's not a self-driven situation. I was sharing with a guy over at this place this morning, you know, and I said something and, you know, he said, I just got goose pimples, you know, and I said, I did too, you know, and it just, I can't explain that. It just, it's a tremendous feeling and I've been getting a lot of that lately. And it's just, whether it's awareness or whatever, it's very penetrating in the experience that I'm having, you know, it's getting closer, finding, finding myself, you know, tremendously good company, you know, and spending a lot of time, you know, with God in my day where, you know, before, you know, we're sharing short periods, you know, if at all. And that, you know, anything that does come in my life, you know, when I'm working for that conscious contact and staying there, all those other things present themselves, you know, I'll have the things that are meant for me to be, you know, in my life. And it's those steps, you know, I won't have a defective character of shortcomings if I'm living with those truths in my life, you know. If I'm, if I'm being the person God will have me be today and being honest in all my affairs, I won't come up short, you know, where I've come up short in the past. And I won't be adjourned with these defects of character, you know, if I, you know, accept the, you know, who I am, you know, and that I need this God, this power in my life, you know, to be my driver, you know, and, you know, it's just a lot better than I ever thought I could have. And I'm glad you're here. My name is Bernard. I'm an alcoholic. And can I absolutely identify with what you said about this being the most difficult desertion in my entire life? Spiritual transformation of me. But I would respectfully argue I consult two benchmarks, and these benchmarks are exercises in optimism. And I'll be very specific. When I call the embodiment of serenity and patience, and to sponsor me, that's what Ted is, and wail and bemoan the present, I am reminded of two undeniable facts that with two years of sobriety, when fear has a grip on my throat and my viscera, I simply have to return to the person I was two years ago. And see, there has been, it's been slow, glacial, incremental, almost not possible to measure, but there has been progress. So, I mean, that's undeniable. There has been progress. That's not, even Ted confirms that's not an exercise in self-dementia. And the same thing with frustration. When I am frustrated, Ted reminds me of those instances, not only where recently I have failed in attempting to demonstrate a new character, but in those instances where I have succeeded. And I had previously never succeeded at being decent, kind, moral, ethical, almost equally as concerned with your interests or welfare as my own. That was a modus operandi which was not alive in my life at all. So, let me conclude by saying this. I will remain trudging this path, though. Yes, sometimes it is truly a recipe for insanity. Because I am on a journey. I am effecting a measurable progress. And I have to believe if I continue this journey, that my progress will continue, my life will improve. And ultimately, I will have a life that is not always, but fundamentally happy, joyous, and free. Thank you very much. We have a workshop that's coming up on the 29th of October. It's an all-day thing. It's 8 in the morning until 5 in the evening. The flyers with all the information on it is over here. So, if you want, if you're interested in that, you can come in. It's for both, men and women. And we encourage you to tell your friends, bring your friends along. Bring your room up. Thank you very much. I've got a couple more things. These chairs go on the racks out in the hallway. We need a volunteer. We need someone to help set this meeting up every Monday evening. What it is, is you come in at about 7 o'clock and put the chairs, rack the chairs up, or put the chairs out. Is anyone wanting to take that commitment? My name's Richard. I'm an alcoholic, but I've only got, like, 65 days. Mr. Gregory, I'll tell you this. Oh, excuse me, Walter. Walter, alcoholic. Hello, Walter. I didn't know you had a meeting until next Monday. I hope to have a sacramental retreat on about four or five Mondays. It should be quite up to you. OK, this is a kid's play school here in the day. We need someone to pick up the cigarette ends outside out here. I see a volunteer. OK, Gino's got it. Want to make an announcement? Well, I'm going to be out of town for the next three weeks. Who are you? I'm Randy. I am an alcoholic. Is there anybody that can make coffee for the next three weeks? Does anyone can come in at 7 o'clock, set up the coffee for three weeks only? Interim coffee person. Is it going to take three weeks? No, you're going to bring it. You take it home and bring it back. That's good. OK, I'll cancel my trip. Sorry. There won't be any coffee. It's as simple as that. All right. Roy, who's taking care of the gate? What's that? Mike's taking care of the gate. OK, so I brought you up to the gate. Who's taking care of the gate and the gate? Somehow that became my responsibility. I can't do that. If you get locked in, I've got the key to the gate. Ted's got the key to the gate. Who's going to be who's locking it up at the end of the night? It's not being locked. As far as I know, that's all I've got. OK. Happy birthday to the two birthday guys. And thanks for being here tonight. And after a moment of meditation, we'll close with the Lord's Prayer. Our Father, our Father, our Father. Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And lead us not into temptation, but find us a kingdom and a power in the Lord our God. Keep coming back to that.