Convincing the Prospect – Marsha S. – Nosara Big Book Workshop – Costa Rica – 2012

Well, good morning, everyone. My name is Marcia Stone, and I'm an alcoholic. Hey, it's so good to be here in Costa Rica and celebrate my recovery with all you fine people. Thank you, David, for putting this together, and thank you, Chris and David, for asking me to talk this morning. Can everybody hear me? Yes. Okay. So anytime I'm asked to speak, I always try to get along with my creator and ask God to speak through me and ask him for willingness to be able to articulate a message of experience, strength, and hope. And a lot of times I'll go to our basic text, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and see where I feel led to talk about. So I'd like to read just a little bit. It's a chapter from The Family Afterward this morning on page 124. And on that page, our book tells us, Henry Ford once made a wise remark to the effect that experience is the thing of supreme value in life. That is true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account. We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets. The alcoholic's past thus becomes the principal asset of the family, and frequently it is almost the only one. And that certainly rings true. For me, it's a principle. For me, you know, I was kind of joking around with David this morning when he was asking me if I was nervous about talking. And I said, well, yeah, it's a story of how does a girl like me end up in a place like this. And I'll tell you a little bit about that and then talk specifically more about sponsorship. My sobriety date is May 6, 2008. I was gratefully separated from alcohol and other issues on that day. And it certainly wasn't the first time that I tried to quit drinking and using. But thankfully, my spirit has been awakened, and it's my last, God willing. I grew up in a small town in South Georgia. I was an only child, and I had a large extended family. My parents divorced when I was three years old. And my mother remarried her divorce attorney. And he was not a nice man. He was an abusive man. And I used that for a really long time to excuse the way that I drank and to rationalize my behavior in lots of other ways. My whole family lives in that town. They still do, actually, except for myself and a couple of cousins that left. I'm having trouble. I'm having trouble with the kitchen. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's okay. I'll try to talk a little louder. Should we move around? I think we're all having fun. Okay. So you all want to move forward? Or you want to put that forward? Move, dog. Dog. Do you mind? It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Here we go. Now I really have a front row seat. Is that better? Yeah. Too loud. So I don't know what you didn't hear, but I'll just kind of... start where I was. So my parents divorced when I was really young. And I had a large extended family. We all lived in the same small town in South Georgia. I was literally related to almost everyone in the town. And my mother remarries her divorce attorney. I was three years old. And he wasn't a nice guy, you know. He was abusive. And part of my history with my alcoholism is I used that as an excuse and sort of a trump card to drink the way I did and to behave the way that I did. You know, looking back, and with the help of some inventory and some good sponsorship, I see that he was, you know, a spiritually sick guy. And I see that my mom was doing the best she could staying with him, you know, under the delusion that if she was married to this wealthy man, she would be able to be a healthy man, then, you know, I would be given opportunities that I wouldn't otherwise have been given. You know, like I said, my grandparents on both sides lived there. My whole family lived there. And so I bounced around a lot, staying with different people. And, you know, the fact was that there were a lot of people that loved me. The feeling was that I didn't belong anywhere. And that sort of conditioned me for how I would live my life until recovery. I started drinking in high school like most people did. Not any consequences. And when I started to apply to college, I chose to go to the college that was farthest away from home. I was running. I was always running. And I was always very driven. You know, if there was an activity, I was involved in it. If there was a school trip, I was signing up. I was busy doing anything I could do not to be drunk. I was busy doing everything I Inside my own body. And inside my own mind. Back then, you know, I don't know if you guys can relate to this, but back then, if you were drinking and driving, you know, you got pulled over and the cops kind of wagged their finger at you and told you to go home. And that's how it was for me. You know, my aunt was a judge. I was, you know, I knew everybody in that town, so I was well insulated from any consequences that might have happened. I go on to college, and So, Some of you guys heard Jonathan's story the other night about my ex-husband that recently passed away. I met him in college, and he was well into his drinking career, and I was more than willing to participate in that. So that starts taking off, and I end up leaving college after two years when he finishes with five years of his college of choice. I was 17 years old when I started college, so I was 18 when I met him and 18 when I left. I ended up moving in with him, eventually marrying the guy when I was 20 years old. By the time I was 24, I had three children. It got to be a little too much for that alcoholic to handle him, so he leaves and goes home to live with his mom. By this time... I was at the stage of my alcoholism where I could control it when I wanted to. I wasn't one of those alcoholics that the very first time I drank, I was blacked out and it was off to the races. That wasn't my experience. I was full of fear. I was self-centered in every respect of the word, and I was very driven to find some sort of ambition and security. Looking back on it, I've really been seeking power my whole life, but the way that I sought power was through... through men, through relationships, through money, and through some form of prestige in the community. I was deeply concerned about what you all thought about me. When I was 24 years old, I had three children under the age of four, and I found myself a single mom living on the Outer Banks of North Carolina, broke, hopeless, and terrified. My sponsor thinks that this is a very interesting part of my story, because... I had some, you know, fear that I was going to be able to provide for my children, because I had no education. I only had two years of college. And I was kind of working as a waitress and stuff like that, like you do in beach resort towns. But I got the idea that I wanted to go to law school. And I was joking with somebody the other day, you know, single mom, three kids, living on food stamps and welfare was really sort of the poster child for pathetic, so I thought, maybe I can get a scholarship, you know. And I did. And so I started applying. I went back to college and went to law school with these three little babies. And my drinking really started to escalate at that point. You know, I remember very clearly standing in my kitchen in Durham, North Carolina, in 1999, because by that time I was drinking at least a couple of bottles of wine a night. And my son, who's now 20 years old, walked in, and he... He had on like a little shirt that wouldn't go down to his pants. And he had on pants that wouldn't go to the floor. And I remember feeling extremely guilty that my son didn't have clothes that fit him. But, you know, that alcoholic mind is so cunning. And immediately what it told me was that anyone with the stress I had, anyone with, you know, all this school load and, you know, financial stress and all these things, and this husband that was in and out. And, you know, that was the start of our lives. And anybody in my situation would drink like I drank. Even if it meant, you know, carving money out of a budget that wasn't there. And, you know, my whole core belief system was that if you had my life, you'd drink like I drank. And you'd use like I used. And you'd behave like I behaved. And I really held on to that delusion for a long time. I ended up finishing with law school. And moving back to my hometown down in South Georgia. At that point in time, because of my family connections, honestly, it wasn't that I was a stellar student. I got a job as the first female prosecutor in the Southern Judicial District. And, you know, that part of South Georgia is really sort of stuck in a time warp. There aren't many female attorneys. And, you know, all the people of color live on one side of town. And, you know, it's really sort of stuck in the 1950s. You know, our book says that the alcoholic, more than most people, leads a double life. And that was certainly true for me. You know, I'd wake up in the morning. I'd put my suit on. And I'd go to court. And I would literally put people in jail for, you know, drinking offenses, for drugging offenses. Doing the very same things that I was doing when I left work at 5 o'clock and went home. But, you know, I thought about it. And I understand the progression of this disease very well. But I also understand that, for me, the more money I have, the more drinking and using I do. And that's sort of what happened. You know, things began to stabilize financially. The husband ended up coming home. And things really went from bad to worse. Not only was there a lot of alcohol and drugs going on. In our house. But there was also a lot of violence and a lot of abuse. This drivenness that I described really took off to a whole other level. And I started trying to focus my attention on fixing what was going on out here. You know, I had this delusion that I was going to be happy and satisfied. If everything out here was lined up like it needed to be. So. I started throwing my efforts into starting this battered women's shelter in South Georgia. This children's advocacy center for abused children. And again, this double life was just so prevalent in my story. Because everything that I was fighting during the day was my experience in the evenings. You know, when I look back on being the tornado. Um. In my family's life. I'm real clear that the people that suffered the most were my children. You know. Um. By this time they were in elementary school. And um. You know, I wasn't present emotionally ever. And a lot of times I wasn't present physically. You know, I was the type of alcoholic that if I got enough juice in me. Um. I don't know where I was going. But I was going somewhere. And you know. I would tell them. You know. I'm going to. I'm going to run down to the store and get y'all some Taco Bell. Or whatever. And. And then. You know. Three days later. Mom would show back up. My daughter's 21 years old right now. But um. But she's. She was a mother figure for her little brothers for a really long time. Um. Things went on like that for a little while. And then um. I ended up having a car accident. And um. My family intervened on me. And I was sent to treatment for the first time in 2002. Um. You know. I really. I really had no idea what alcoholism was. Um. In my hometown. The. The Alcoholics Anonymous meetings were held in the same building as the VFW. So I had some sort of notion that alcoholism had something to do with veterans of foreign wars. And you know. I just. I wasn't sure how that fit together. But. But um. I was sure that they didn't look like. You know. Um. A 32 year old. Um. White chick with a law degree. I was sure that those two things didn't fit. They didn't fit together. But nevertheless. My family was convinced that I needed some help. And I thought that this would be a great opportunity to sit alone with a therapist. And tell them. You know. About all my trauma. And all my abuse. And you know. This bastard that I was married to. And. And. That's what I proceeded to do. And you know. Unfortunately. Um. I didn't have any idea. That um. You know. Like our book says. That my own selfishness. My own self-centeredness was my problem. That I was really just. You know. Propagating these um. These relationships in my life. And creating my own misery. I had no idea about that. And a lot of well-meaning therapists. Honestly. Didn't have any idea either. And so. I spent 90 days there. Um. Um. Falling in love with Jonathan. And um. You know. Complaining to a therapist. About the sad state of the affairs of my life. And she readily agreed. She was like. Wow. You know. With your genetic components. And all this trauma. You know. No. No surprise to me. You have the disease of alcoholism. And when I heard that alcoholism was a disease. It was a disease. It was like green light. For further drinking. And bad behavior. It was like. I can't help it. Geez. You know. So. But you know. Jonathan. You guys heard his story. He'd been trying to get sober for. God. Seven years. By that point. And he was real serious about it. And I was real serious about him. So. You know. I kind of went along for the ride. And you know. He. He knew how to get the. In North Carolina. They're called the wear and wins. I don't know if they have those. All over the world. But. You know. And he knew how to get that wear and win. And you know. Plan which meetings we were going to go to. And you know. They. Not so lovingly. Asked us to leave. When we refused to stop breaking the rules. But they did give us our continuing care plans. Or relapse prevention plans. Is what they called them. And it was like. Get a sponsor. Go to meetings. Don't drink. And have fun. I was like. I can do that. Because at this point in time. It was. You know. Clear to me. That my family was really the problem. But alcohol and drugs were a close second. So. If I could get away from both those. Then I would be fine. Right. So. So we rode off into the sunset. And went to a lot of meetings. And. And. I got a sponsor. And she was a really nice woman. And we had a lot in common. You know. She hurt her children through her drinking. And. And. We went out to lunch a lot. We went to shopping. We had sushi. She threw me a baby shower. When I eventually got pregnant. And. You know. She had a fabulous life of. You know. Fellowship based alcohol. AA. And it worked. For me. For. For a while. You know. The book talks about. Fear will sober you for a bit. And. And that's what happened. You know. Things were really bad. When I. When I left Georgia. And. Eventually. When we got to North Carolina. The. The. The kids came back. I got my law license. In North Carolina. So now I was barred in two states. And. Jonathan started practicing veterinary medicine. And we set about the business of recreating our lives. Based 100% on self-reliance. And. It worked for a little bit. A little while. And. You know. I mean. I get drunk every now and then. Just to. Be annoying. I guess. But. I didn't know anything about the mental obsession. I had no idea. I just thought. I feel like drinking some wine today. So. You know. And then Jonathan would like. Get mad. And make me go stay in a hotel for the night. Then I'd come home. And. All this kind of stuff. But. I didn't really see it as that big of a deal. So we're busy. You know. Treating this internal condition. With all this stuff. You know. It's like. There was. There was never. Ever enough. And. The more money we made. The more money we spent. And. The more trips we took. And. The more stuff we bought. And. We've got this big beautiful house. Overlooking. The Blue Ridge Parkway. And. You know. All the kids were in school. Everybody's got nice cars. And nice clothes. And. And. It all looks fantastic. But inside. I'm dying. And I don't even know it. One day. I'm sitting in my office. February 2007. And. Wasn't a particularly bad day. Like. Nothing happened. You know. I was just. Sitting there. Interviewing a client. And. Turns out. This guy. Didn't have enough money. To pay for. Whatever. Charge he had. I don't remember now. But. Back in those days. Sometimes. I would barter for stuff. If people. One time. I took a car title. And. You know. If they didn't have enough money. For representation. And so. He tells me. You know. Miss Stone. I don't. I don't have enough money. For my. For you to represent me. I was like. He's like. You know. Are you interested in trading? Bartering? I was like. Sure. What do you got? And. I swear. Guys. Like. This. This kind of thing. Only happens to people like us. You know. Because this guy. Looks at me. He goes. What about an eight ball? Ha. And. I was like. Don't mind. If I do. You know. Suddenly. The thought occurred to me. That cocaine. Was never my problem. It was the vodka. That made me have the car accident. You know what I mean? It was. It was those massive. Alcohol hangovers. That made me not. Able to go to work. And. Disappear. And not function as a mom. So. We. We made that deal. And. You know. I'd always heard. That even if you're not drinking. And even if you're not using. Your disease. Is progressing. And I never believed. That to be true. But now. I have experienced. That certainly is the case. Because. That one conversation. And that one transaction. Kicked off a series of events. That was absolutely. Devastating. To. To my family. You know. So. I pretty much. Didn't stop drinking. Or using. Until I was. Physically separated. In the fall. Of that year. For a little. Six weeks. Stint at a. Waterfalls. Massage. More therapy. Organic food. Yoga. I looked fantastic. When I left. But you know. I was still spiritually. Asleep inside. And. You know. I'm one of those people. Two. I don't take direction. Very well. So. I get out. Jonathan goes in. For his six week stint. And. And. When it's time for him to go. The. The counselors. Start saying things to us. Like you know. You guys really. Don't need to live together. And Jonathan. Really needs to go to sober living. And. You know. I'm so selfish. And self-centered. I'm like. What the hell is this about? I got to go home. And take care of the five kids. While he gets to. You know. You know. Shangri-La. Down here. In the. In the waterfall area. With the sober people. No. And. And on top of that. You know. I was able to convince him. Look. You know. This sober living stuff. That's good for those people. But we've got a family. You know. I mean. Geez. You've got a hospital to run. What are you talking about? So. I remember that day. When I was walking out of that treatment center. And. The counselor's name there was Shannon. And. And as I was leaving. I had my. You know. Purse on my shoulder. And stuff. And this woman's got tears rolling down her face. I'm like. Shannon. Shannon. What's wrong with you? I'm going to be fine. And she was just shaking her head. And she said. No. No. You're not. You know. And. And. It's so clear to me. That. That this desire. To stop drinking. Is of no avail. But I didn't know that at the time. You know. I didn't know anything about. The loss of power. Choice. And control. I really believed. That if I made up my mind. Hard enough. And really tried. That I would be able to overcome. This problem. That I was in. That I had with alcohol. It's probably not hard for y'all to predict. But that certainly wasn't the case. You know. John was home for like two days. And. You know. We had this plan. That we were only going to use on the weekends. And. Only when we could get the nanny to stay over for the weekend. And get away to a hotel. Or. Or. Whatever. It was like a Tuesday. And all of a sudden. It had to happen that night. Things got from. Went from bad to worse. Really. Really fast. And. And. You know. Literally within. A span of. Of a few months. Everything was gone. You know. That was a really dark time for my family. I remember. I remember. Our son was two years old at that time. And I can remember him. You know. Coming up. And knocking on the door. And Jonathan and I having arguments. About who was going to have to get up. And tend to him. And. You know. I remember my children slipping notes under the door. That said. You know. Mom. Are we going to have dinner tonight? And things like that. And. And. Alcoholism. And addiction. Is. Is. Sad. And tragic. You know. Certainly. There's funny moments to it. But. But the ripple effect. And. And the severity. Of the harm. That I caused. Is. Is something. That I can't even. Conceive of. Until well past the time. That it's over. My children. By that time. Were in high school. And they'd been bounced around. From school. To school. To school. And so. You know. They knew the signs. Of. Of when mom was spinning out. And. And they saw this happening. So they ended up calling my mom. And she came up. To. To North Carolina. To get them. And. You know. I remember the first time. When. When. An honest sponsor. Said to me. Marcelle. On your own power. You are an unfit mother. And that's the very thing. That's the most. Objectionable. To me. You know. I remember. When I had those children. There was nothing in the world. I wanted to do more. Than love them. And protect them. And be everything. That I saw. My parents. Not do so well at. And when I think about. The power. Of. Of this disease. Of alcoholism. I can't help. But think about. That's the only thing. That ever separated. You know. My. My intentions. Of motherhood. With my actions. Of motherhood. So. The truth is. On my own power. I am an unfit mother. And the truth is. When I saw my mom. Driving down the driveway. With those children. In the car. I wanted to cry. But inside. I was relieved. I was relieved. That I didn't have to. Look at their faces. Anymore. And feel that guilt. And that shame. And I was relieved. That I could really. Get down to business. And drink like I wanted to. And it took me. Years to be able. To identify that truth. And be able to be honest. About that. But that is the truth. Of an alcoholic. And I'm not. I'm not. Anything that stands in the way. Between me. And what I need. To fix this thing. Inside of me. Eventually leaves my life. Whether it's a husband. Whether it's a job. Whether it's a career. Whether it's children. If it's standing in the way. Of Marcia. And that bottle. It's leaving. Eventually. You know. I never saw running out of money. As the end of my. Drinking and using. But that certainly was the case. That certainly was the case. Um. Fast. And. I am. I lived in Asheville. North Carolina. And what ended up happening. Was. I got a call from. A judge's secretary. Who told me that. The chief district court judge. Wanted to talk to me about a case. And. I believed her. And so. You know. Put on a dress. That by this time. Was hanging on me. I put on a dress. And I probably weighed about ninety five pounds. And. Um. Actually. Made it to the courthouse that day. I had to get a ride. But. I made it to the courthouse. And. And I walked in. And. Here's the judges. And here's these two guys. That work for the. Pals. North Carolina Bar Association. Has a thing called. Pals. Professional Assistant Lawyer Services. I think is what the acronym stands for. But anyway. It's pretty clear to me. When I walked in there. That we weren't here. To talk about a case. God knows. I couldn't have talked about it anyway. I had no idea what was going on. In my business. By that point. So there's like. A bottle of water. And a thing of Kleenexes. And you know. I knew that this wasn't going to end well. So. So. You know. I'm so sick with this point though. I'm just. You know. I'm sitting there listening to them. And they're. You know. Pleading with me. And telling me. You know. Marsha. You know. You are dying right in front of us. We've known you for years. You. You never show up unprepared. For your cases. You. You don't. You know. You know. Calling sick all the time. You've lost 20 pounds. Your children are gone. You know. We're afraid we're going to read your obituary in the newspaper. And you know. Talk about minimization. I mean. Really. My first thought was. These guys are really overreacting to a small problem. You know. I mean. And why are they trying to get in my business? I was really angry. And my thought is. Who called them? Who told them to do this? Right. Like it wasn't really obvious. And I remember I was texting Jonathan. Like. I was like. This is not about a case. This is an intervention. Get up here and get me. And it took him like 45 minutes to get there. I don't know what he was doing. But I can imagine. Anyway. So as of that day. I never went back to work. And Jonathan and I were near the end. As they say. I ended up sort of getting kidnapped. By these two paralegals that used to work for me. And this suburban. With the tinted windows. And like they. I was like at a gas station. And they'd been hunting me. Looking for me. I had no idea. I was in there. You know. Ordering a sub. Or whatever. And I come out of the bathroom. And these two women were like. Marcia. Do you need a ride? Because by this time. I have no car. I have no cell phone. I have nothing. And they throw me in the back of this suburban. And all of a sudden. Click. The doors lock. And I look over. There's this strange man sitting beside me. And I'm just sitting there like. Oh. Oh. My goose. It's cooked now. They drive me down to Atlanta. And what had ended up happening. I found. I pieced this all together later. Was that. The Bar Association. Paid for me to go to treatment. I didn't have any money. And. I went down there. And. You know. I was just so drunk all the time. I didn't really even know what was going on. But I remember. Waking up in that detox. In the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia. Almost literally beating my head. On the metal of the bed. Like. How did I. End up here again. What is wrong with me? I'm not a stupid girl. I'm not a mean girl. Why do I keep doing this. Time after time after time. When I know. What the consequences are going to be. Only later did I find out. You know. That the big book is so clear about that. That I'm unable to recall with sufficient force. The memory of the suffering and humiliation. Of even a week or a month ago. No matter how bad it is. No matter how much my children cry. No matter how much. You know. I feel that shame. And that. That regret. And that remorse. That's just what I do. That's just what I do. So I end up going to. To this long term treatment center. In Atlanta. And. I think I may have said this. But May 6th is my sobriety date. But I'm always talking about May 20th. As my surrender date. Because. You know. It took about 14 days. For the cobwebs. To kind of clear out of my head. And. And. When I really realized. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. This was going to be a long venture. It was very depressing to me. And. And. The reason it was depressing to me. Was because. You know. I didn't know much about the big book. At that point in time. But I've been to enough meetings. That I've heard that term. Constitutionally incapable. And. And. I didn't hear the last part of it. Which is. Of being honest with myself. But what I heard was. Constitutionally incapable. And. And. I convinced myself. That I was constitutionally incapable. Of sobriety. Based on the fact. That. I kept going to treatment, and I'd been to a thousand meetings, and I had a sponsor, and I did what you people told me to do, but I kept getting loaded. And so I went next door, and I told my roommate Shannon, or my housemate Shannon, that, you know, I had this realization that I was constitutionally incapable, and I was never going to be able to get sober. And so what I thought I would do just to help everyone else out in my life so I wouldn't continue to disappoint them, was I was going to call my mom, sign my children over to her. I was going to call the bar associations and surrender my licenses, and I was going to call Jonathan and go ahead and give him a divorce or whatever, and I was going to leave there on the streets of Atlanta and do what I do until I die. Because I didn't see that there was any real solution or any real hope in all this game. I'd been playing this game for, you know, six years. And Shannon said, you know, Marcia, have you prayed about that? And I looked at her like, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. What do you mean have I prayed about that? What is there to pray about? This is logic. This is common sense, right? She's like, well, it's late. You know, it's dark out. So why don't you just kind of sit on this until tomorrow? That kind of made sense to me. So, you know, I went in my room, and I was just, you know, Bill talks about quicksand strikes. Stretching out all around him. And I went in my room, and I remember there was this nasty mustard yellow shag carpet. And I just hit my knees, and I was just sobbing in a way that I'd never cried before. And I just cried out, you know, God, I don't know what to do. I've done what everyone's told me to do, which wasn't true, by the way, but it was what I thought. And if you're, if, I need help. I need help. I need something to happen. And, um, I was, I was facedown on the carpet like this, and I kind of turned my head to the side, and, and, um, these two women that had kidnapped me, I, I called them up and, you know, in a rather demanding way, said, you know, well, you've sent me here, so could you please just do me the favor of going to my house and getting my pajamas and, and my big book? Because I did have a big book. And they said, sure, but they didn't know what the big book was, so they sent this book on relapse prevention by Terrence Gorski. So when I looked over to the side, I saw this book that had never been cracked, and, um, and something inside me just said, open that book. And, and so I went over and I opened the book, and when I, when I looked at it, I just turned to a page, and I, and I looked at it, and it said, um, if you have decided you are constitutionally incapable of recovery, that is a lie of your disease. If you find yourself in a treatment setting, roll up your sleeves and do the work. And I'm telling y'all, chills ran all over my body, and I just started weeping, because, you know, I, I never had a problem believing in God, but I just thought God was super busy. And, you know, there was, like, famines, and global warming, and, you know, children starving in Africa, and, and I felt like God gave me a brain to use, and I needed to use my brain on this alcoholic problem. But for the very first time in my life, it felt like that this God that my grandmother talked about, and all my aunts and uncles talked about, might have some personal interest in me, and in my recovery. And it was a very profound, moving moment for me. So, I decided that I would take that as a sign, and do what it said, roll up my sleeves and do the work. So, you know, the next day, the way that the treatment centers are set up there, you're like, you live in a place, then there's like a center that you walk to. So, the next day, I like, put on my backpack, and, you know, got dressed, and put on my pants, and rolled them up, so they weren't, like, hanging on my hip bones. And I walked down there to, to the center, and I walk into the director's office, so full of ego and entitlement. Her name was Kendall. And, um, and I told her what happened last night. And I said, so here's the deal, Kendall. I'm still going to negotiate, right? Um, I'm going to do everything you tell me to do. I'm going to stay until you tell me to leave, until you say I'm well. And I'm going to do whatever aftercare plan you tell me to do. And if it doesn't work, then I'm going to leave here, and I'm going to move to Tortola, and I'm going to drink and use until I die. She literally stuck her hand out and shook my hand, and she said, that's a deal. So for me, like, looking back, you know, I mean, this was a clinical place. They did kind of a cursory nod at the 12 steps, and they encouraged spirituality, but I didn't know that, effectively, I had worked the first three steps that night. You know? That was the moment that I surrendered and conceded to my innermost self that something was wrong with me that I couldn't manage, that I couldn't do it. That I couldn't do it. That I couldn't do it. That I couldn't take care of with my own thinking. And I worked my butt off there, guys. I mean, you know, I was early for every group. I mean, if they would have told me to wear a pink birthday hat and a, you know, polka dot bikini to the groups, I would have done it. Because I so badly wanted something to change. I was so tired of this, you know, same old, same old, of, you know, sober here, detox there, in trouble here, trying to get out of the scrape there. And more importantly, I was just tired of feeling that, that incredible shame that comes within stage alcoholism. So I stayed there for seven months and, you know, my kids were so done with me. I've got letters and emails that were just absolute gut punches. You're, we never want to see you again. You're the worst mother in the whole world. I mean, things that just break your heart. But, looking at it from their perspective, they had every right to feel that way and to be 100% doubtful that anything would ever change. I did a four-step while I was there. And, you know, I was so numb to everything that was going on. it was the first time I'd ever done a four-step that included a fourth column. And I remember sitting across from that woman and telling her everything. Everything. And she's got tears rolling down her face. And I'm just sitting there with my paper in front of me looking at her because I can't feel anything yet that's going on. I did my sixth and seventh step and, you know, I didn't know about the hour that I know about now. But I knew about these defects of character because she told me about them. And I think, you know, I think God is such a gracious God because even though I didn't know how to work the steps like I know how to work the steps now, I believe that God honors our willingness and honors our surrender. And I made that eight-step list and I didn't know you were supposed to ask your sponsor before you went out to make your amends. And, I mean, I just was trailblazing, you know. I mean, I was like freaking Dr. Bob on this, you know. I mean, I was calling everybody and when I got to go home for like they call it a TL therapeutic leave, I made amends to my mom and all my kids. And, you know, I'm sure I completely screwed it all up. But, you know, but I somehow knew that if I didn't take this action that nothing was ever going to change because that's what these people were telling me. I'm really glad now that I did it that way because my mom ended up dying before I got to see her again. And I'm grateful, you know, that she got to see me sober. So I remember I was sitting in a meeting in Lawrenceville, Georgia and the topic was steps six and seven. And, you know, I don't know if you guys have this experience, but I sat in meetings for six years and never heard about God. They talked about God, I'm sure, but I never heard it. I never heard about helping others. They talked about helping others, but I was asleep. And I remember the topic was six and seven. We were reading that seven step prayer and it talks about so that to take away my defects of character so that I can to benefit others. And it was like, it was like a cartoon, like a light bulb and it just went off above my head and my eyes got real big and my friend said, what? And I was like, I just got it. Like this whole thing is about helping other people. This whole 12 step process is about having this conscious contact with this power greater than me because I don't have the power to stay sober. And then the way that I increase that conscious contact and improve my spiritual condition is by bearing witness to other people. And my friend looked at me and she's like, wow, that makes perfect sense. You know? I mean, it was almost like my recovery was piecemeal. Meantime, I was getting jealous because Jonathan was in Mark's place down in Texas and he was writing me these letters because, you know, Mark used to never let anybody talk on the phone for more than 10 minutes. That was a rule. So we were busy planning when we were going to see each other when we were talking, but he was writing me letters and he was talking about this big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it was like, I could see over the progression of time that his spirit was waking up. And I wanted some of that. I wanted some of what he had because although I was having my own form of spiritual awakening, it seemed to me that he was progressing at a more rapid clip. So I went out to visit him at family weekend and the residents there have this six CD set that they listen to as part of their programming. And I already made amends about this at Mark's funeral. Like I know, I said to everybody, I stole a set of CDs and smuggled them back to Georgia. And I started listening to this guy that I didn't even know, you know, and he was this crusty old guy from, you know, Colorado living in Texas. And he's, you know, got this real gravelly voice. And for the first time, I started like going through this book and looking at the doctor's opinion and beginning to understand, oh, this is an allergy of the body. Oh, that's why I keep putting stuff in there. Oh, that's why I keep putting stuff in there. Because I have this obsession that I can't control. Okay. Oh, now I see why I felt like that when I was such a little kid, that it was a feeling of not belonging and it didn't line up with what everyone else was experiencing in that moment. And it began to explain to me how I was bodily and mentally different from my fellows. And my spirit for the first time connected with this message. And I got on fire. I actually got in trouble for like passing those CDs around. And now there's like, a little hotbed of enthusiasm in Atlanta. These girls that I was in treatment with started this big book meeting there, which is pretty amazing. The ripple effect of a message of depth and weight. But ended up moving to Texas. And one of the things that my oldest son said when I made amends to him, when I asked the question, what can I do to make this right? He looked dead at me and he said, don't leave us and don't get back to us. And I said, I'm going to go back with Jonathan. And I couldn't pull that off because I prayerfully and with much counsel from Kendall and the other women at the treatment center decided that that was where I was being moved to go. The son didn't talk to me for a year. I lost my children for a year. And when I say lose them, I don't mean just physically. I mean in every way. When I got to Texas, I took my son, my rehab job, I was folding towels at this place called Massage Envy. And like making reservations for people to come in and get massages. And I was just so incredibly grateful. I hooked up with a big book sponsor out there, KDP. Lots of y'all know her. And she started sending me into service. And I got my first service commitment. And I remember when I left that treatment center that first Saturday morning of, you know, sitting down with them and talking about steps one, two, and three. I'd never felt more on fire. I'd never felt more like I was floating on a cloud. And I began to understand what people are talking about by, you know, by creating this fellowship you crave. And having your spirit fed by being able to help other people. And that went on for a while. And eventually, the children did come back. And things began to get a lot better. I work with a lot of people. A lot of women now. Both at work. You know, Scott was talking about I'm one of those lucky people like my life is recovery and recovery is my life. I work with a lot of people with my job. And I also work with a lot of sponsees. And when I was thinking about this topic, I was thinking about in Dr. Bob's nightmare when the part in his story where Bill comes to see him. And he has the experience. And he says, you know, that Bill didn't say anything different to him than he'd heard before for the most part. And I'm paraphrasing now. But this guy seemed to know all about the drinking game. And I think that's the most important part. And I think that that's the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous and the magic of recovery and the magic of my life is that I can sit across the table from a woman and relate in a way, that were it not for my experiences in my life and with my drinking and with my recovery that I never would be able to. I got a text message from Mark Houston in 2009. And he asked, he told me he wanted to start a women's recovery center out in Texas and asked me if I'd come out there and work for him. And I did. And it's the highlight of my life. You know? If you had told me a few years ago, that my alcoholism and my addiction would be the greatest asset that I owned, I probably would have encouraged you to have a double instead of just a single shot because I couldn't have imagined it. But you know, the book tells us that when we look back, we see that our lives in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. And that's certainly my experience. I was working with a particular sponsor. Yeah. I was working with a sponsor. I went to this meeting. I'll tell you a little story. In Georgetown, Texas. And you know, you go to meetings. You see the same faces. And all of a sudden, there's this woman that I don't recognize. And my antenna's starting to go up. And I started to get excited. And then she, you know, they say, raise your hand if it's your first time at this meeting. And she raises her hand. And she says, I'll call her Cindy. She says, yeah, I'm Cindy. I just moved here from Louisiana. And I'm 21 years old. I'm 21 days sober. I just got out of rehab in Louisiana. And I was supposed to stay for 28 days. But I was doing so well that they let me go at 21. And I thought, wow, really? And this was a Cocaine Anonymous meeting. So, really? And I went over and talked to her after the meeting. And you know, the book gives us specific instructions in working with others. And it says, you know, see your man alone if possible. And then it goes on to talk about, you know, tell a little bit about your drinking history. So, you know, I pulled her off in the parking lot and start kind of talking to her. And, you know, her eyes light up. She's like, oh, you drink like I drink. And, you know, you use like I use. I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you have a sponsor? I asked her. She says, no. And I said, I said, well, now you do. At least, you know, now you do. Let's get through these steps. And then she goes on to tell me, she's like, I've never been to AA or CA. I don't know anything about the big book. And, I mean, it was like a ticker tape parade in my mind. You know, like so excited because most of the people I get to work with are like chronic relapsers, you know, and I'm like, ah, fresh meat. I was so happy. So we go and sit down in my couch the following Saturday. Jonathan and I have a couch in our bedroom that's specifically for meeting with sponsors. And I was sitting down with her and, you know, she was identifying, you know, the allergy. She was identifying the obsession, but, then she tells me straight up, she's like, you know what? I've got a master's degree and I'm an atheist. And she says, and I read in another book that you can be an atheist and get sober. And I said, well, maybe you can, but I don't know how to pull that off. So, you know, let's dive back into this first step, you know. Let's really look at the fact that lack of power is your dilemma. So I began to talk to her about, you know, how intellectually understanding what is wrong with you in no way translates to the type of internal surrender that you're going to need to be able to set aside those ideas about your mind and your self-reliance being able to overcome whatever is in your path with sobriety. And after a meeting, we talked for about three hours and, you know, finally just came to the point that she understood the hopelessness of her condition. And I think that that's the most important thing in this whole game. You know, I understood for a long time that bad things happen when I drank, but I didn't understand the hopelessness of my condition. You know, sometimes I say, if I could line all you women up at the med line and, you know, inject you with surrender, I would do that. But the truth is that until I've got a pretty good resume of, you know, wanting to stop but being unable to. And, believing I was going to have a couple and, you know, coming home the following Tuesday. Unless I've got some experience with that, I'm not going to be able to fathom the real hopelessness of this condition that I have. I can tell you that recovery is absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm so extremely grateful for the people that were put in my path and were patient enough with me to allow me to, you know, try to cure my headache with a hammer, as they say. I just want to say I'm especially grateful for Peter and Chris. You know, I said the other day, I cannot overemphasize the meaning that listening to speakers that had experience and who understood this book like I needed to understand it. I'm so grateful for the people that had on my early recovery. I want to read one more thing and then I'm going to close. Here was the terrible dilemma which our friend found himself when he had the extraordinary experience, which, as we have already told you, made him a free man. We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy read has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us, or if you prefer, a design for living that really works. Thanks for letting me share, guys. Thank you.