Contempt Prior to Investigation as the Operating System of the No-Person Alcoholic – Kay S.

Hello there. My name is Kay, and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Kay.
Hey, everybody. Congratulations to the Toluca Lake Speakers Group.
You got your Zoom up and running. I know that's not an easy thing to do.
I want to welcome everybody, all the other alcoholics that are here tonight,
particularly the newcomers as well.
I used to go to this meeting many, many years ago
when Keith and Riley kind of ran the show,
and I don't know if that was like 20 or 25 years ago.
I don't remember, but I always love this meeting.
It's a great Alcoholics Anonymous meeting,
and I'm honored to be able to participate.
You know, these Zoom meetings, I've got to tell you,
obviously these are extraordinary times, to say the least,
and the Zoom meetings have been such a license.
It's such a lifesaver. It's so much fun, really.
If there is a silver lining, so to speak, it has been the Zoom meetings for me.
You know, my sponsor had to speak in Cincinnati on Monday night,
and I was able to see her.
The meeting that I go to, Colfax, in the morning,
the other day, our speaker was from Liverpool, and he brought his friends,
and these 10 people were from London and Scotland and Ireland,
and I found this meeting in New York that I go to at 4 o'clock in the afternoon,
mainly because I like the name.
It's called Girls Gone Mild.
So I saw that, and I thought, yeah, I want to go to that.
And so, but it's just been a lifesaver, thank God that we have that.
You know, right now, I would be, my spouse and I would be on our way to Washington, D.C.,
because my stepfather,
who actually I just was on the phone with before the meeting started tonight,
he's 99 and three-quarters years old.
He'll be 100 years old in October, and he was invited.
He's one of the five living, you know, servicemen from World War II that survived
who landed on the beach in Normandy.
And so they were flying these five veterans to Washington, D.C., to honor them.
And we were going to go and be there with him, and obviously they canceled it.
So I was talking to him tonight, and, you know,
we were talking about what he's lived through in the last 100 years,
and he's been through a lot.
He hasn't been through a pandemic quite like this,
but he went through the Great Depression, obviously.
He went through World War II, where he was called and had to go to the beaches in France.
He had, there was an epidemic of tuberculosis,
and he was in a hospital in France.
And he got that and was in a sanitarium for two years and survived.
And he said, you know, we will get through this.
He said, times are tough.
He said, but I'm going on 100, and I can tell you, based on experience, we're going to be okay.
And I think being in AA, those of us that have been around a little while,
we can say that, too, that we don't know what it's going to look like,
but we know it's going to be okay.
I don't know about you, but in my sobriety,
I have never been able to predict.
I haven't been able to predict or even imagine the good things that have happened in my life.
Not any of them, nor the bad.
So there's been both.
Anyway, we're here to do an AA meeting, so I'm going to stay with the format,
which is what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like now.
Statistically, my sobriety date is August the 3rd, 1975.
And if I don't, you know, go off course, I'll be 45 years sober,
and I have a few months, and that means I'm old.
And I've been around a long time.
I will tell you this.
I have never, ever fallen out of love with Alcoholics Anonymous.
It is the best thing about me.
It's the best thing in my life.
I love AA.
I love everything about it.
But anyway, to qualify a little bit,
I started off, I think, with the ism when I was really young.
So when I was in kindergarten, they sent me home.
The kindergarten teacher called my mother, and she said,
Mrs. Steele, you've got to come and get this girl.
She goes, and my mother said, why?
Did she fall?
Did something happen?
She goes, no.
She goes, she's not emotionally ready.
And the truth is, I was never emotionally ready for anything,
for life on life's terms or life at all.
And so because I was such a frightened little phobic kid,
I was very contrary.
I was always in trouble.
So, you know, I had two parents, obviously,
and we grew up in Westchester by the LAX airport.
And I really was very fond of my father.
I thought he was a lot of fun.
My mother, on the other hand, didn't think he was that much fun,
because he was a little bit of a kid.
Because he was an alcoholic, and he was a playboy.
And so they got divorced when I was about four.
But he was my favorite parent.
And quite honestly, I've never been emotionally particularly sophisticated.
So how I operate is, if you like me, I like you back.
It kind of doesn't get more complicated than that.
And I knew he did, and so I love my dad.
But he, like you said, my parents,
had divorced, and my dad was a big drinker.
And Monday night after the divorce was visitation night,
so he would pick me up in his 54 convertible,
and we'd go cruising down Manchester Boulevard,
and he'd be drinking a cocktail and have a cigarette in one hand,
his bourbon in the other,
and I'd be standing in the passenger seat with my arm around his neck.
And we'd always make a pit stop at the Hacienda Hotel,
and then we'd also make another pit stop
at the Melody Room bar, because he liked to go there.
And I just thought, my dad is fun.
My dad is fun.
He likes me.
I like him.
I want to be with my dad.
But my mother decided to remarry,
and the guy that I was just talking about that's turning 100,
he was my stepfather.
So she married him.
And while I respect him a lot right now,
he, sorry, no noise either.
He, I didn't like him growing up,
because he had rules and regulations,
and I didn't like following rules and regulations.
So as a child, I was punished a lot,
and that's where I developed my first drug of choice,
which was fantasizing.
And when I got sober, I heard the expression,
the bondage of self, and I thought, God, that's what it was.
And I started moving into the bondage of self as a child,
and I loved it.
It worked for me.
I liked it.
And so, you know, when you live like that,
you're not really prepared for life,
and so by the time I was about 13,
I had been in the bondage of self a long time,
and I was already kind of crazy.
And right around the time I was 13,
I made a dramatic physical change in my appearance.
I had sort of been this Girl Scout-looking kind of kid,
and I don't know, I just kind of went nuts that particular summer,
and I cut my ponytail off,
and I started wearing a lot of makeup,
and my hair,
and my hair ratted up really high,
and I just looked like a torrent slut, basically.
And I went back to school after that summer,
and I startled people with my new appearance.
But what it also did for me is that it let me into a new group of friends
who took me in, and they were the drug addicts of Westchester.
This was in the 60s,
so we did a lot of the innocent drugs that you do in the 60s,
which was,
you know,
nothing big.
Marijuana,
hashish,
uppers,
downers,
little LSD,
nothing bad.
And so I was doing all those little 60s drugs and loving it,
and I left my new group of pals,
and my boyfriend,
as a matter of fact,
he had this lowered car,
you know,
those cars with the hydraulic lifts that go to the ground,
and I'd sort of push my hair down and get into the passenger seat,
and we'd go cruising down Manchester,
Mr. Boulevard,
and listening to the doors and whatever else we were doing,
completely stoned all the time,
but I never drank.
And I didn't drink quite honestly,
because I had taken a sip of my dad's drink once,
and I hated it.
But I went to this party once.
I was about 18,
and this guy said,
you know,
I'd really like you to impress my friends at this party tonight.
And I said,
oh,
I am so sorry.
You know,
I don't do that sort of thing.
I can't.
And he goes,
well,
of course not.
He goes,
you're always on speed.
He goes,
you're so wired.
He goes,
why don't you get drunk?
I said,
well,
I would.
I just don't like it.
And so he yelled to one of his friends,
and he said,
hey,
Dave,
find her something that she'll like.
Give her something.
And Dave ran over to me,
and he gave me this little bottle of sparkling wine called White Time.
And I took off the bottle cap,
and I held my nose,
and I drank down that first bottle,
the third,
the fourth,
the fifth,
and the sixth bottle.
And I thought,
I get it.
I get it.
Now,
you hear,
we all hear a million stories about people that drink for long periods of time,
and then they cross the invisible line into alcoholism.
And that's not my story.
My story is that from that night that I drank,
and it was called White Time.
The ad was,
it's always the right time for right time.
Anyway,
and I'm drinking this stuff,
and,
and for me,
I just remember consciously thinking,
well,
wait a minute.
Why would you not do this all the time?
I mean,
this is great.
It's legal.
Why would you not do this all the time?
So I was very excited,
and I went home,
and I told my roommates,
Janet and Carol,
I said,
you guys,
guess what?
I drink now.
And they said,
oh,
you know,
that's great and good for you.
And what they didn't understand,
and what I didn't understand,
is that's what I would be doing now,
is drinking.
So for me,
that's when I crossed the invisible line,
and I never drew a sober breath
until I made it into Alcoholics Anonymous.
I was drunk,
you know,
again,
if it's that good at night,
it's really good for breakfast.
Why wouldn't you do it?
It's also,
like I said,
it's legal,
and it's cheap,
and you can go to the local drugstore,
and I found out for $1.89,
you could get a huge half gallon of Gallo Rheingarten wine,
and I did the trick.
So I just became a daily drinker from the gate,
and it was fine with me,
and it was my solution,
and I didn't care.
Meanwhile,
the ability to live life,
you know,
it never occurred to me that I wasn't a part of life anymore,
and I could sort of tell it was slipping away,
but,
you know,
if you drink enough,
you don't care.
You develop the art of I don't care,
and I got that early on.
But,
you know,
I mean,
I had jobs,
bad,
stupid jobs,
but one of my jobs,
actually,
I was a desk clerk at a hotel,
if you can call it that.
It was Howard Johnson's by the LAX airport,
not a high-end property,
but anyway,
I liked it,
and I had my roommate work there,
too,
and we were desk clerks,
and we'd be behind the counter,
and we were very good friends with the bartender,
and so we'd always say,
hey,
could you bring us over some drinks?
And in particular,
we would get these flight attendants,
like from American Airlines or United,
and they were so pissed
that they had,
you know,
they didn't want to stay at Howard Johnson's.
They really wanted to stay at a Marriott,
not Hojo's in Culver City,
but they'd come to us,
and we knew they'd be angry,
so we got good and drunk before they got there.
And the girl that I worked with,
Becky,
she never overshot the mark,
but I always overshot the mark.
I would be so drunk,
and we dealt with these flight attendants,
and now our shift is over,
and she would drive home,
and I'm thinking,
there's no way I'm going to drive home.
So I remember looking through the keys,
the empty keys,
to see what rooms were vacant,
and I'd find one if they go good.
And I'd get one of the keys,
and I'd go up to the empty room,
and I'd pass out,
and I remember thinking,
oh shit,
I better be out of here
before the maids come and clean the room.
And then you can't really walk down in the lobby,
so what I would do
is there's obviously,
there's a fire escape,
and we had these sort of blue outfits
with these,
you know,
it was like go-go boots,
you know,
it was that time.
And I remember,
you know,
when your lashes are stuck to your cheek
and your hair,
and just,
just a mess.
And climbing down the fire escape,
and it was so bright outside,
and just getting out
before the maid got in the room,
and then getting in my car
and going home.
And,
you know,
it's just how I lived.
And some nights,
if I decided to make the trek,
I'd be on aviation
going to Manhattan Beach
or wherever I was living,
and I would just pull over
or pass out on the side of the road.
And I wish I could tell you,
I wish I had a more interesting story.
I love hearing interesting drunkologues.
I don't have one.
You know,
I lived a quiet life of desperation.
That was it.
I liked being alone towards the end there,
and that's what I did.
And my life got super duper small.
And I'll tell you,
a typical day for me,
the last two years of my drinking
looked just like the first two years.
And what I would do is,
I found this one girl
that for $75
let me sleep on her couch.
My friend Margaret,
she had a little rental house in Inglewood.
And we were living there
and she had a three-year-old son
who intimidated me most of the time.
And what I would do is,
she would go to work
and I would run into the kitchen in the morning.
I had this routine.
And I would scrape the frost off the freezer
for some reason.
I guess I wasn't patient enough for ice cubes.
I don't know.
But I would take the frost off the freezer,
put it in my Gallo Rheingarden jug
from the night before,
and belt it down.
And then go about my day
and I'd go to the office
and then I would ask anybody,
do you want anything?
Because I'm going to make a run at Danny's Liquor.
And I'd get their orders.
And I knew what I was going to have.
But I would get what they wanted
and I would go to Danny's Liquor every day.
And, you know,
at some point,
Danny began to get suspicious.
And I'll never forget this.
This one day he said to me,
um,
what are you going to do, Kay?
Are you going to take your wine
and go into the Venice Pier?
And I was so hurt
and so offended.
I never went to Venice.
I had discovered
this wonderful vacant parking lot
in Palms,
sort of Venice adjacent.
And I would go to this parking lot
in my Dodge Challenger
with a 440 Magnum engine.
Not even sure what that means,
except you better keep your foot on the gas
or it idles at 65.
But I would go to this
vacant parking lot
and on my lunch hour
and just do figure eights
and drink my wine.
And I remember feeling good about myself
that I had found this
place of solitude.
And then I'd go home
and I would do the same thing every night.
I would get dressed up
and I'd go out to dinner alone
and I would go to my favorite restaurant,
which was the Jack in the Box
on Manchester Boulevard.
And I will tell you,
and only another alcoholic
would understand this probably,
and that is that it took every bit of courage
that I could muster
to go to the Jack in the Box,
not even talk to a human.
In those days,
it was a plastic Jack in the Box head
and just order my dinner.
And I remember thinking
and being very proud of myself
that my aspirations
of a 22-year-old woman had come true.
I mean, it was like, good work, Kay.
I remember being so proud
that I'd already gotten my gallo for the night,
a pack of cigarettes,
and I'd made,
my Jack run.
And I would go back to the house,
eat my breakfast Jack,
drink my wine,
and pass out.
And I would do this every single night.
It never changed.
And this one night, though,
I had made the Jack run.
This was in October of 1974.
And I had made the Jack run,
proud of myself,
and I'm putting on my Joni Mitchell record.
I'd listened,
to that same album every night,
Coat and Spark.
And I've got the album on.
I'm smoking my cigarettes.
I'm drinking my wine.
I've got my supplies.
I'm back in the fort.
And I looked in the mirror
for just a split second.
And I looked in the mirror,
and I don't remember thinking too much
other than I just thought,
God help me.
You know, I knew,
I could sort of tell that
being a participant in life
was not only slipping away,
I think,
it had slipped.
I think it was gone.
And I kind of knew that on some level.
So I just said,
God help me.
And I put my cigarette out,
and I passed out.
And the next morning,
I got up,
did the same things I always do.
But that night,
I was starting Santa Monica Junior College,
which I did a lot.
I would always start Junior College.
I would never continue.
But I'd start it.
And I went to Santa Monica Junior College
that night,
and I remember it was a heat wave,
and I'm in a wool scarf,
and a wool sweater,
and a jacket,
and it's like 100 degrees out.
But, you know,
I've got makeup on top of last month's makeup,
you know,
and I'm just a,
I'm a wino,
you know,
what, what?
And I'm,
but anyway,
so I'm walking through the campus,
and I see this woman,
girl,
actually,
also,
walking through the campus.
Now, what are there?
3,000 people in the parking lot
going to the classes.
I don't know,
but I saw her.
And I ran up,
I ran up to her,
and I said,
hi,
can you help me find my class?
I'm lost.
And she said,
yeah,
sure.
And so we started chatting,
and we were walking through the parking lot
towards the buildings,
and we started to talk,
and she said,
what class are you taking?
And I said,
business management,
you know,
what class are you taking?
Now,
I'm telling you,
I don't,
I don't do that.
I don't ask people questions.
I don't know.
There's nothing going on inside here anymore.
But I'd seen humans
ask that question in return.
So I said,
what class are you taking?
And she said,
oh,
I'm not taking a class.
She said,
actually,
I'm here tonight
to give a lecture
on alcoholism and drug abuse.
And I said,
you know,
I said,
for it or against it,
whatever.
But the interesting thing
is I said to her,
why would you be talking about that?
And she said,
because I'm a member
of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I said,
wow,
well,
this is ironic
because I,
I think I might have
a drinking problem.
In fact,
I think I'm going to go
on the wagon.
And she sort of laughed
and I said,
what's so funny?
And she said,
well,
for people in AA,
people that go on the wagon
usually fall right back off.
And so I said,
oh,
okay.
So she said,
give me your phone number,
which was a good thing
because I don't think
I would have called her
because my whole mode
of operandi
is contempt
prior to investigation.
I am not a yes person.
I am a no person.
But the next day,
I'm sitting on the front lawn
with the three-year-old,
you know,
kid that belongs
to my roommate
and we're in heavy
political debate
over something
and the phone rings
and it's,
it's her.
She goes,
do you remember
meeting me last night
at Santa Monica?
And I said,
I do.
And she said,
are you sober right now?
I said,
no.
She said,
well,
are you sober enough
to drive to the Marriott Hotel
at LAX
and meet me
and talk to me?
And this is where I know,
I know that when I said,
God help me,
I got heard.
And I,
my fantasies,
God said,
okay,
but get ready
because AA is coming
because everything
just sort of happened.
You know,
there was June
in the parking lot.
Anyway,
so she called me
and we went to the Marriott Hotel
and we sat there
for six hours
on a Friday afternoon
talking about
Alcoholics Anonymous,
this organization
she belonged to.
And I identified
with everything
that she said,
but I knew
I had a,
I knew I had a caveat.
And I have to tell you,
I was beginning
to get tense.
It had been a few hours
since I had had a drink
and I was getting
very, very nervous.
I was always
in a state of anxiety.
I used to take,
I look back now
and think,
how did,
I used to drink
a gallon of wine a day
and take 10 milligram valium
and it didn't make a dent.
And my anxiety.
So I was getting tense.
You know,
I hadn't had anything.
So I said,
what do we do now?
Oh, I know.
I said, June,
you know,
I identify with you,
but I'm too young.
I'm only 22.
There's no way
I could be an alcoholic.
She said,
Kay,
I'm 15 years old
and I've got two years
clean and sober
in Alcoholics Anonymous.
So I was seven years
older than her.
So I really
kind of couldn't use that.
So I said,
well,
what do we do?
What do we do now?
She goes,
we're going to go
to a meeting.
And I said,
oh gosh,
I guess I should have
told you.
I can't do people,
you know,
lots of people
and I can't do rooms.
And if they're brightly lit,
there is no way.
I just can't.
I will go into
full-blown anxiety.
I can't do it.
She goes,
oh honey,
don't worry.
She goes,
we're going to help you.
I thought,
wow,
okay.
So naturally,
I'm thinking she's going
to pop me some sedatives
on the way in.
And we went to this
big Friday night
meeting.
I don't even know
if it was big,
you know,
but remember when you're
young,
everything is.
But it was the Friday
night Overland meeting
in Culver City.
And we went there
and sure enough,
there were lots of
people in that room.
It was bright.
And we started to walk
in.
I said,
oh no,
no,
no.
I said,
I can't,
I can't.
And so she goes,
come on,
honey,
we're going to help you.
And we went in
and we sat down
and I was waiting
for the sedative.
It wasn't coming.
Her idea of helping
was she held onto
my right wrist
and her,
her friend Bob
held onto the left.
And that's kind of
how I got through
not just that meeting,
but most of my meetings
when I got sober.
Now,
I will tell you
that,
that October the 1st,
1974,
would have been
my sobriety date.
It is not.
That didn't happen
for a year later
because
I loved AA
and I loved her.
And June,
a lot of you
might know her,
June G,
who is my sponsor today,
who I love
maybe more
than anyone else
than anyone on the planet.
But June,
you know,
everybody knew June.
I mean,
Chuck C,
hey June,
you know,
they'd see her coming
and Norm Albee,
June,
over here,
or Shirley O'Hara,
Gail,
they all knew June.
So it was really fun
to hang out with her.
But you know,
there's an old saying
in AA
and it's so true
that when the student
is ready,
the teacher will appear.
And I wasn't ready.
And I had the best teacher
you could have
and it was her
and everybody she knew.
But I wasn't
ready.
So what happened
is I kept,
I kept slipping.
Like I'd put in
three months
and I'd slip.
And I'd come back
and raise my hand
and then I'd put in
another three months
and I'd slip.
I slipped once
in that year
on coding.
I didn't even like coding.
But I found some.
So I took it.
And so I just
wasn't staying sober.
So I got shipped
to a lesbian garage sale
in the San Fernando Valley
and to get sober.
Sober.
Or to whatever.
And at that
gay garage sale
there was a woman
sitting across
the swimming pool.
And I remember
looking at her
thinking,
I don't like you.
And she told me later
she looked at me
and thought,
I don't like you either.
Now I didn't realize
and I have to tell you
as I said before,
all the blessings
and the good things
that have happened
in my life,
I never could have
anticipated them.
They always looked,
they looked,
they looked different then,
they look different now.
I cannot predict them.
I cannot anticipate
what they're going to look like.
And I didn't know
that that mean woman
sitting over there
across the pool
was going to save my life
and give me a foundation
in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And her name is Jerry E.
And Jerry,
you know,
it wasn't just my imagination.
She told me later,
no, I didn't like you.
But it was what I needed.
And I,
you know,
she said,
I've heard your boring
little story.
She goes,
you know,
you're kind of boring.
And she had,
she didn't think
I had one redeeming feature,
which I didn't.
And so,
which was perfect.
So she goes,
you are going to do
exactly what I tell you to do.
It is not up for discussion.
I'm not interested
in your opinion.
I'm not interested
in anything you have to say.
I thought she was
the meanest person
I have ever met
before or since.
However,
I will never
forget her.
Forget what she did for me.
And what she did for me
is gave me a foundation.
And it was all the basics.
You will go to a meeting,
you will suit up,
you will show up.
You will put one foot
in front of the other
whether you want to or not
and you will take an action.
And yes,
you will do these steps
but you refuse to do.
Oh, you'll do them.
And you'll do them
when I tell you to do them.
And yes,
you're going to work
at central office.
And like I said,
she was mean.
But you know what?
I needed someone
who didn't,
who wouldn't listen
to my bullshit.
You know what I mean?
Because I was sort of
a manipulator
and she wasn't having it.
And again,
it saved my life.
And I remember one time
it was Thanksgiving.
I think it was
my first sober Thanksgiving.
And, you know,
I didn't know
how to be a human being.
I would say things to Jerry
like,
why is it that
so and so,
you know,
I go to a meeting
and they don't say hi to me
but they'll say hi to Lynn.
Why don't they say hi to me?
She goes,
because you don't say hi first.
She goes,
you're going to say hi first.
You're going to say hi first.
Try that.
All the things in life
that maybe you learn
when you're growing up,
I had to learn
as a young woman
because I knew nothing.
I had been in the bondage of self
for so long.
In fact,
I remember
one of my early meetings,
I heard,
I don't know who it was,
but some guy say,
life is now in session.
Are you present?
And I thought,
uh-oh,
that better,
that better not be
a prerequisite for membership
because no,
I'm not.
But, you know,
we get,
we're present
and we get present
by the actions
that we,
that we take care,
you know?
And, uh,
like you said,
I, I,
I got a foundation in AA
and it gave me a life
and then life gets big.
And as life gets big,
you better have a program
to be ready for it.
And, uh,
I got married
in AA
when I was about
four and a half years sober
to someone that I,
I really adored
very much.
And, uh,
it was a great life we had.
I mean,
it was a great life
and,
and,
and,
and,
and,
and,
and,
and,
and,
and,
we were in the travel business
so we were able to,
and we were both in AA
and, um,
we were in the travel industry
and in those days
you got to go free,
you know,
everywhere.
And, uh,
we got to go
all over the world
for nothing.
The joy of the travel industry.
And so we did
and we'd go to meetings
everywhere
and I'll never forget
that the first time
we went to an international meeting
it was in London
and, uh,
we walked in,
it was called Church Street
and we were sitting
downstairs
at the,
this meeting
and, uh,
we didn't know these people
we just loved the way they talked
and I looked over
and I said,
Chris,
that's,
that's that guy,
he's the secretary
of Joe's place
on Monday night
in Hollywood.
And there he was
and we'd see him
and, you know,
it was just
so wonderful
what we got to do
and,
and just everything.
And this particular
person, um,
taught me a lot
in sobriety.
Um,
and, uh,
I will tell you
there have been moments
in my sobriety
that,
that felt like
end of the world moments.
I'm,
I'm sure we've all
had them from time to time
and they weren't,
obviously,
but they feel like it.
And, uh,
when I,
uh,
got divorced
from this person
when I had about
16 years of sobriety,
it was one of those times
where I thought
it's the end of the world.
Now,
I've been a good member
of AA
and very devoted.
I've always
put AA first
and, um,
everybody that
I kind of know
closely,
uh,
does the same thing.
I mean,
it's just what we do,
right?
And, uh,
but when this happened,
I mean,
I lost my family
because they were my family.
I lost my spouse.
I lost money.
I went from having money
to zero
with no prospects.
I mean,
it was,
it was bad.
And there were some
other issues.
And anyway,
it was just a,
a dark time
in my sobriety.
And I,
I called June
and I told her
what had happened
and she said,
honey,
um,
I have not been
through that
exact experience.
So she goes,
I'm going to send you
to Al-Anon.
And she sent me
to this wonderful woman
by the name of
Pat Roach,
sort of the high priestess
of Al-Anon
in Orange County.
And I called her up
and I said,
hi, Pat,
this is what's happened
to me
and I know it's not
happened to anyone else,
this particular thing.
And she said,
because I never hear
about it in AA.
And she said,
well, honey,
of course you don't in AA,
but we do in Al-Anon.
And so I knew
I wasn't alone.
And that's what
I always find.
No matter,
what end of world
experience
or tragedy
that's going on
in your life
to find out
you're not alone.
And the truth is
we're never alone.
There's always someone
that's been through
what we've been through.
There really is.
And, uh,
that made me feel
better immediately.
And then when I started
to do this,
I started going to meetings
and I gave this person
West LA
and then I went to meetings
in the Valley
and I was embarrassed
that I was in that
kind of pain.
I remember wearing
sunglasses at meetings
because I was sobbing
all the time.
I had to speak
at some meeting once
and, uh,
it was right after
all this happened
and I just stood there
and cried for 20 minutes
and they let me,
you know what I mean?
Because that's how AA is.
It's loving.
It's,
it's just the best,
right?
And, um,
but I,
I remember one night
I called my friend Riley
and it was late at night
and I was just going through,
it was tough.
And I called Riley
and I said,
Riley,
I intellectually,
I know that when God
closes one door,
he opens another.
But what do you do
when you're in that hallway?
It's a long,
dark hallway
and there is no way
you can see the end of it.
Not even a crack of light
from a door.
You're in the hallway.
What do you do?
And I think it was like
two in the morning
and he wanted to get
off the phone.
So he said,
you sweep the hallway
and he hung up the phone.
And I thought,
okay,
contrary action.
So I'm going to
sweep the hallway
and I started cleaning
my little shitty house
and,
and I'm cleaning it.
And then I thought,
no,
he means it another way.
And that is that
when you're in the hallway
and you don't know
what things are going to
happen down the road,
you keep it clean.
And how you keep it clean
is you
take the actions.
And the actions for me
of keeping my hallway clean,
and this is one of them really
in a way
what's going on right now,
is I do the same,
the same things
that Jerry told me to do
in my first year of sobriety.
I take contrary action
and I suit up
and I show up.
And what do they say?
Life is 95% showing up.
And then I pray
and I've always been fortunate
that I've always believed
in a power greater than myself.
And even when I don't,
I was telling my partner
because I,
about five years ago,
I had to have an operation.
It was right after
my mother passed away.
I think I've got five minutes.
Do I,
do I have a timer
or do I time myself?
I'm assuming it's five minutes.
I don't know.
How many, honey?
Ten minutes.
Ten?
Yeah.
I better stretch this part out.
Anyway,
I,
about five years ago,
my mother passed away.
And right after that,
I didn't realize
that I wasn't in the
clearest of head.
But I went and had
an operation.
It was a,
elective surgery.
And it was supposed
to make the hearing
in my right ear better.
But the doctor made
some kind of a mistake.
And it wiped out
my balance system
on the right side.
It's called vestibular.
No one knows what it is.
I didn't know what it is.
But you know when you lose it.
Anyway,
it knocked out
my balance system.
And it's pretty rough
there for a while.
I mean,
I would have,
I still do.
I get a lot of migraine headaches.
Sometimes I get woozy
in my balances.
But, you know,
I was,
I was talking
to this one doctor
and he said,
look,
what you're going to do,
oh,
I said to him,
will this come back?
Well,
you know,
he goes,
no,
once you lose it,
you've lost it.
I said,
oh,
I said,
well,
what do I do?
And he goes,
well,
you're going to do
some exercises,
little PT exercises
about 20 minutes a day.
And what it's going to do
is it's going to,
the left side of your brain
will compensate
for the right
if you do these things.
And it's sort of,
it's true.
And it's sort of
how I feel about AA.
If we,
if we do the things
that we know
we're supposed to do,
even when we don't want to,
and God knows
I don't always want to,
I can get a shitty attitude
now and then.
But if I do the things
that I'm supposed to do,
it's like the left part
of my brain
taking over the right
on the balance side.
It's the sort of
bratty,
self-involved,
selfish part of me.
If I do the right things
in these meetings,
I'm doing the exercises,
then I'm a better person
and I show up for life
and life is good.
And like I said,
I don't want to
I've had a great life
in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I've had a career
and I didn't go to college.
During my college years,
I was a jack-in-the-box.
You know,
I didn't go to college.
But I was told,
you suit up
and you show up
and you act better
than you feel.
And I did that for 30 years,
actually a little more,
like 34 years.
In fact,
about a year ago,
I left that company
on good terms
and they didn't want me
to go actually.
And what I did
had nothing to do
with intellect.
It only had to do
with having a,
a cheery disposition
and a good attitude.
That really was my career.
I handled the board
of directors
and my job was
to be cheery
and pleasant.
And you taught me
how to do that.
You know,
I've met some wonderful people
in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And what I love about them
the most,
I think,
is the neuroses
and the crazy people
that we got to meet
over the years.
I love that I got sober
in 1975
and stayed sober.
The people that I got to meet,
it's funny,
I was thinking about
this woman today
who I hadn't thought about
in a long time.
Her name was Shirley O'Hara.
And Shirley O'Hara
was a very close friend
of Julie C.
and,
and Gail Wilson.
And,
but she was one of those women
and I just thought of her
as, you know,
the goddess of AA.
And I didn't know her story.
And someone said,
well, you know,
Shirley was one of those people
that went in and out
and in and out
and in and out of AA
for 10 years.
I said,
Shirley?
Because she was like
this iconic figure to me
and I,
I love to go hear her speak.
She was so wonderful.
And what I loved,
but yeah,
in and out for 10 years
and she finally got it.
Now it's dangerous to do that.
As you know,
the percentage,
the death rate percentage
for alcoholism
and deaths related to alcoholism
is greater than this virus.
So first and foremost,
we need to be sober.
And, but she made it in
at 10 years.
And what I loved about Shirley,
just a character,
like she would come to visit us
at the office
and be there for like
an hour and a half.
And I knew that Shirley
had this sort of idiosyncrasy
where she was always afraid
that her car would not start.
So we knew that about her.
It was just one of her little quirks.
I mean, I knew people
that could only get places
by making right turns.
I completely understand
that thinking,
even now.
I mean,
I mean,
I mean,
I mean,
I mean,
I mean,
I mean,
I mean,
I mean,
I was always neurotic
and off course.
And, but anyway,
so, but Shirley
would come visit us
and she'd be there
for an hour and a half.
We'd say, Shirley,
are you worried
your car won't start?
She says, no, I leave it on.
She goes, I never turn it off.
I just leave it on.
And we think, okay,
so that way, you know,
it's going to start
and then she'd go
and drive off.
But the people
that we've been able to,
and I see Bridget
on this meeting
if she hasn't left
because she's a little tired
of my thing,
but, and Dana,
hello,
Dana,
I love you.
But, you know,
we were able,
we've just been able
to meet such wonderful people.
What a gift,
you know,
and everybody I know
that I got sober with,
all those women
that were at that garage sale,
honest to God,
we're all,
we're all still sober.
We're all still sober.
If you're new
and you have any doubt at all
that Alcoholics Anonymous
doesn't work,
I mean,
it takes broken people.
It takes people
that are no people
and makes them yes people.
It takes people
that are terrified
of everything.
And it's like
the paradoxes of AA.
If you,
if you want,
if you,
you know,
if you have fear,
you pray
and God gives you courage,
but you get the courage
by going through things.
I don't know about you.
I'd much rather
go around it.
Don't make me go through it.
But when you go through it,
you gain courage.
And, you know,
I mean,
I got to tell you,
I have loved
my life in AA
and these Zoom meetings,
you know,
if you're new
and you've gotten sober
only in Zoom meetings,
it's going to be very exciting
and different for you
when we end up
going back to the rooms
and you see us in person
coming at you
with teeth and numbers
and stuff.
It's better like that.
But this is not a bad way either
because we are connecting.
We're sober.
We're here for the common good
of staying sober
one day at a time
and helping each other
stay on this path.
I guess that's it for me.
I want to thank,
I think there's
a few people, right?
It's Zach,
Thomas,
and Lisa
for asking me
to share tonight.
I love you guys.
Thank you for letting me
be a part of your tribe.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yay!
Thank you.
Yay!
Yay.
Thank you, Kay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Kay.
Awesome.
Thank you, Kay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good seeing you again.
Always.
You look great.
Let's,
real quick,
let's welcome
our new,
our newcomers
to Identified again.
I believe there was
a couple newcomers
to this meeting,
Travis and,
and maybe a couple others.
And let's congratulate
our birthday person,
Dave B.
again,
for 37 years.
All right, Dave.
Yay!
Yay!
Awesome, Dave.
Yay!
And again,
let's thank our main speaker,
Kay, again.
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
Thank you, Kay.
Thank you, Kay.
All right.
Thank you, Kay.
And,
awesome.
And after a moment
of silent meditation
for the alcoholics
still suffering
in and out of these rooms,
let's close the meeting
with the Lord's Prayer.
Close with the Lord's Prayer, guys.
Father,
I would be thy name.
I would be thy name.
I will be done.
I will be done.
On earth as it is in heaven.
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day
as it is in heaven.
Daily bread.
For temple.
Forgive us our debtors.
As it is in heaven.
As we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not
against us.
Deliver us from evil.
And deliver us from evil.
Through blood.
And through the kingdom.
Power.
Glory.
Glory.
Glory.
Forever.