Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides – Earl H.

About This Speaker Tape

Twelve years old, standing in a boarding school haze with weed burning his lungs and cheap red wine—the kind with no grapes involved—burning his throat. In that moment, Earl H. felt the click: the sudden, dangerous comfort of being "bodily different" from his fellows. For sixteen years, he chased that blast, moving from pills to acid to shooting dope in Marina del Rey, eventually becoming a "sober maniac" and a legal psychotic. He describes a wreckage of 74 broken bones, 650 stitches, and a heart swollen from alcoholism.

He hit the floor at 28, waking from a blackout to find himself a low-bottom hopeless alcoholic. He recalls the "Dante’s Inferno" of a detox ward where men kicked like dogs in a room of 42 cots. He entered AA "mad dogging" the room, comparing his insides to everyone else's outsides and losing every time. Now 23 years sober, he credits a Higher Power and a program of rigorous action for silencing the beast that whispers in his ear.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Earl H. opens with a raspy voice, noting he's been sick for nine days.
• 3:15 Laughter: Earl describes the 'humble beginnings' of drinking red wine and smoking weed at 12.
• 7:40 Earl discusses the 'reliability' of alcohol compared to the unpredictability of drugs.
• 12:10 Earl describes his 'moment of clarity' at 28 after a series of physical and mental collapses.
• 16:45 Description of the brutal detox environment: 42 guys 'kicking like dogs' in one room.
• 21:30 Earl's first meeting in 1980 and his encounter with Vegas, who tells him to 'keep coming back'.
• 30:15 Detailed breakdown of the 12 Steps, specifically the transition from Step 1 to Step 3.
• 36:40 Earl discusses the process of making amends (Step 9) and the necessity of actual change.
• 42:10 Earl shares his fear of flying stemming from a past plane crash.
• 47:50 The 'buzz' of watering the lawn: finding magnificence in the ordinary.
• 54:20 Story about sponsoring Louie S., the 'Devil' who helps newcomers in Hollywood.
• 58:10 Closing thoughts on the healing power of laughter and gratitude for the fellowship.