Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides – Earl H.

To introduce our speaker tonight, and that is Earl H. from Los Angeles. Hi everybody, my name's Earl, I'm an alcoholic. Excuse the voice, I've been sick in bed for about nine days. I decided a good thing to do would be get up and fly up here and talk. I'm feeling like I'm ready to pass out looking at all of you. And on a good day, the inside of my head is kind of disturbing. So I have absolutely no idea what's going to come out of me today. Anyway, I want to thank you for asking me to speak up here. It's always an honor and a privilege. I want to say thank my friend Penny for picking me up at the airport and bringing me down here. I just got to hear the tail end of Bridget's talk today, but Bridget and I have known each other for 20 years, dear friend, I love her to death. I want to thank my friends from Fresno for coming down. Good to see you guys, good to see you guys. And I guess at some point I'd start talking about me. I did not start drinking until I was 12. I held off as long as I possibly could. I had been restless, irritable, and discontented for a long time. You know, and that's how it starts, you know? I was shipped off to boarding school. My heart's just pounding, man. I'm so weak. physically emotionally spiritually anyway back to me I started drinking more about me God I'm gonna get sober fast talk about life's over start drinking when I was 12 to stop when I was 28. The beginnings were humble beginnings, you know what I mean? I'd been shipped off to boarding school, a guy asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint and I said, yes I do. And I didn't even know what he was talking about. You know, I had been shipped off, I didn'T know what was going on, the guy wants to smoke a joint, okay, you know, so I need to hook up, you know, and And so he could have said, we're going to go kill the Spanish teacher. Do you want to come? I'd have said yeah. And the other guy, we picked up another guy and he had a Tupperware container full of cheap red wine. And I mean cheap, no grapes involved red wine, you know? Kind of like NyQuil with a splash of red, you know what I mean? and I was standing there 12 years old, two 13-year-olds. Weed burning my lungs, wine burning my stomach and my throat, and it happened. That thing that makes me bodily different from my fellows occurred. Suddenly I was comfortable standing where I was staying and doing what I was doing with the people I was dealing with. Never felt like that before in my life. That set me free, and I looked around and I thought, you know feel better than you've ever felt in your life and and nothing bad happened nothing bad happened man i mean nobody died nobody went to jail no blood was drawn nobody went to the nut house all those things were gonna happen but that was not my experience you know i just gotta stop and tell you how much i love alcoholics anonymous because i mean you can say that sentence to anybody in the world we are the only people that will reel back and laugh That's right, man. Death, die in prison. Yeah. Old friends of ours. Anyway, so it was just the humble beginnings, you know what I mean? I mean, my experience in the beginning was it worked because it did. You know, whatever piece of me was missing, that filled. and I could be in a room with other people and I can talk to other people and the fear, that self-centered fear was off of me and I could be in the world I paid a very very tiny price first time I got loaded for a magical feeling of connectedness in the end 16, and I drank and used on a daily basis for 16 years. And I drink and use no matter what. Given a good reason, I don't stop. That's the difference between me and the problem drinker. Problem drinker goes before a judge, got another drunk driving charge. The judge says, you know what? I see you again. You're going to do a year in county. I don' t care what the story is. At the end of the year, we'll talk. Problem drinkers hears that and says, You know what? I don't want to go to jail. Makes a decision to not drink and drive and actually can carry out that decision. Me, I start wondering what it's going to be like in jail because I'm going. Thank you, Your Honor, for the information. I better pencil in a year because I can't, I've made the solemn oaths with or without a pledge. I mean, they're there, man. one right after the other. I cannot act upon that because the beast rises up, man, and whispers in my ear and says, you know what we got to do, don't you? Yeah, I do. And it was a little pot and wine in the beginning. It was pills, any kind of pills. The only reason I took a pill is the guy said, would you like a couple of pills? And I said, yes, I would. you know and 20 minutes later I'm laying on the floor and I'm very happy there you know I don't see that there's a problem here so I got you know second all to an all plastic deal I don' t think they even make that stuff anymore which if we can have a moment of silence please Oh man. See what you get when I'm like this? It's just not right. I uh, 14 was psychedelics the only reason I took a psychedelic was Debbie. I love Debbie to the day I die. Debbie was a bad girl and an older woman she was 15 and a half, man. Debbie had a learner's permit. Children, just crazy children. Debbie said, you want to drop some acid? And I said, yes, I do, Debbie. Wherever you're going, I'm there. Yeah. And 650 hits later, I got classified legally insane by the military. Thanks, Debbie at 15 I started shooting dope and the only reason I shot dope was I was on a boat in Marina del Rey and Cammie, lovely girl came up with a syringe in her hand said would you like me to stick this in your body and I said of course I would CammIE it's killing the big guy right there A little identification. Anyway, Cammie hit me with that thing and I just went... And on the way down, all I was thinking was, you know what? If I'm not dead, I'm doing this again. Because that was amazing. Now, Now, here I go talking about drugs and identify as an alcoholic. I'm in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and I've got to show respect. And the respect is this. I'm a child of the 60s. All right? That's how we grew up. We were very, very focused on the drugs, right? Our parents were the alcoholics. We were carving out our own identity. We were not going to drink ourselves to death the way they were. We were going to kill ourselves in an entirely new way. But here's the facts. And the facts, in retrospect, looking back on my life, this is the truth of the matter. The drugs would come and go. My drug of choice is what do you got? I mean, I prefer alcohol, heroin, barbiturates. I like down and out. My idea of a good night is sitting around checking my pulse. You know what I mean? I don't need a TV. I don' t need a woman. I don''t need a window, you know? but if you don't have any of that I'll take a big bag of the cocaine can't go down, let's go up right well I'm happy driving the freeways decoding license plates you know because it's like it's up or down you know what I mean because the fact of the matter is it's not really about up or downs for me It's about, I've got to get out of right here, right now. Because right here and right now, I'm self-centered and I'm afraid. Right here and now, I'm comparing my insides to your outsides and I am losing every time. Every single time. I can't get comfortable in the world. Not even for a second. So I've just got to blast out of here. The truth is, the drugs would come and go. There was only one thing that was on the table every single day, and that was alcohol. There was always a bottle there. If I walked in and the party was about to start, if I saw booze, I knew win, lose or draw I'm going to be alright because alcohol is the bad boy alcohol was the thing that I the old reliable, the thing I could count on when you talk about drugs the fact of the matter is alcohol is reliable and drugs are completely unreliable they are, there's no quality control going on out there you don't know what you got until you get it in your system you do so much cocaine you can't get your mouth open anymore just got the lockdown right you get a fifth of Jack Daniels suck a little Jack Daniel's through your teeth it'll loosen you right up right on with the party alcohol is reliable that was the thing that without really recognizing it I came to rely upon by the time I was 16 years old um I had I remember a guy called me an alcoholic when I was 16 and a half said you know what you're an alcoholic and I just said you don't want your point this is how I get this is how I move around you know put this in me and in the end that's all it was about for me was alcohol there was no time to mess around with anything it wasn't about being a part of anything else it was just a part of you know trying to trying to rid myself of the madness and I mean and a lot of things happen along the way you know a lot of stuff That malignant cancer happened along the way, prepared me to die, beat the cancer thing. I'm a long-term cancer survivor. Plane crash, family died, I was in the crash, I survived. Lots of madness, lots of death, lots o' dying, lots a mayhem, all the stuff that happens in the lives of alcoholics and drug addicts, you know what I mean? Just dark stuff. and the day before I turned 28 I came out of my last blackout and I had blackouts all the time you know what I mean, I've come to in different cities where I don't know anyone I have no idea why I remember I came out of a blackout one time, I was in a car with four other people in Oakland I don' t know anybody in Oakland I've come to Venice, California you know, back in those days come to 2 a.m. in the morning on Speedway in the alley down in Venice man, that's not a good place at 2 p.m., you know it's 2 a."m. and I've got four police officers standing in front of me and they don't, they're not happy you know and you just kind of there you are, you know but if you've done it enough I mean, it's a weird thing to think you know I have a certain skill set that most people don't take much stock in You might. Instead, you come out of the blackout and there's the police and you know. Oh, here we are again. Keep your hands where everybody can see them and just nod. And eventually you'll find out what we're doing here. Your only other option is to say, excuse me officers, I just got here. It's a little thing I do. I'm here, I'm not here, I'm near, I don't care. Anyway, I came out of my last blackout. I was 28 years old. It was the day before my 28th birthday. I had hair out like this. I had a beard like this, so I was yellow, psychotic, and I don't use the term loosely. I'd broken 74 bones. I had over 650 stitches in me. I'd been stabbed when I shot at. My family was dead. I had no friends. I had to go to work. I had nowhere to live. My heart was swollen. Thyroid shut down. couldn't touch the liver, kidneys were cooked. I was dying of alcoholism. I burned my life to the ground. And I had what they call in here a moment of clarity. And that moment of clarity for me was that I was not connected to another human being on the face of the earth and hadn't been for a long time. And God didn't do this to me. Police didn't do this to me, the FBI didn't do this to me. The FBI had me when I was 19 years old for 30 years. Had me. And because of a few mistakes that were made on the other side of the fence, not as a result of any quick thinking or smart move on my part, just the luck of the draw, they didn't... I didn't due the 30. I mean, it was already the kind of life I was living. that they didn't do this to me God didn't do this to me this is a direct result of my actions my alcoholism that if I didn't want to die if I didn't want people to hear Earl's dead and to think and to watch people do this you know just shake their heads hang their head and shake it just what a waste of a human life isn't it a shame what could what possibly could have been and what ended up happening. Just, you know, nothing good ever happened. It's just like a sigh of relief that the misery and the pain of my life is over. And I, you Know... And I just didn't want that to happen, so I went in. They were thinking of charging me with attempted murder at that particular moment. And they threw me in an ambulance and took me to an emergency room. They pumped my stomach, and they just said, Get him out of here or he's going to die. He looked like a little old man. and they took me from there to another place, and they kept me for five days or seven days. I don't really know. And it just kept getting worse, and they take me by eight minutes to another place, and it was the place where I got sober. This last bit of the detox I did was, it was a big room with 21 cots on each side of the room, and there were sheets drawn between the cots, and how you kicked was you kicked. You just kicked. If you threw a seizure, they hit you an anti-seizure medication and throw you back in the cot and how you kept your cot was you stayed in it it was for free and you kick like it was like dante's inferno in that place man 42 guys kicking like dogs in one room i mean nobody slept because somebody was flipping out every single moment oh man and i just hung on to my cot hung on my cot and trying not to die and how you got from uh detox to rehab right it's a very sophisticated place they take in you just shake and then just and they give you one of those little styrofoam cups they fill about half up with decaf right they put on the counter in front and they say pick it up take a sip and you're thinking to yourself come on man because if you could get it up and sip it without yipping the coffee up out of there it was on to rehab You were smoothing out nice, right? You're just like, please, please. And I'm there, and I left there. I spent 42 days in the hospital, sick as a dog the whole time. And I got told when I left, they said, Earl, if you don't want to die, you're a low-bottom, hopeless alcoholic. And you've known that since you were a kid. and if you don't want to die, you're going to have to go to AA because it's the only place where a guy like you has a shot. And I said, okay. Because alcoholism had beaten me into a state of reasonableness. Now understand me, I mean alcoholism had beaten my life and beaten me into a stage of reasonableness, not sanity, right? It hadn't beaten me into a status of understanding. It had just beaten me into a standard reasonableness and what was reasonable about my thinking was that I understood that the very best that I could do using my own best thinking was to get to the place where I could surrender to the thinking of someone else. That was the best that I Could Do. My best thinking didn't get me to Alcoholics Anonymous. My best thinkin' almost kept me from ever gettin' here at all. I got beaten to death by alcohol, and then I came here. and I remember sitting in, my first meeting was a Friday night in the basement of a church at 8.30 p.m. A&A meeting and I went, I remember I walked in and I sat down in the back, my arms folded, my best tough guy look on my face, mad dogging everybody. You know, just what do you want? You know because you're all smiling, I hated that and you know you're dressed properly. Is this thing feeding back? Is it echoing and making everybody insane? Is it? it is isn't it well what are we going to do about that how's that that's bad too like that god man there's a lady back there looking like she's ready to drink you're crazy but i got a cold right so everything had going in my head anyway so i'm sitting in a meeting with a in the basement of a church acting like a tough guy scared out of my mind because all my tools for living don't work that's what keeps doing it all my skills for living done work and then i'm working my tools for a living were drink, use, violence and run and none of them worked they'd just been beaten down so I sat in the back and every meeting's got a guy some of you might know him he lives up around this neck of the woods kind of Vegas you know Vegas Vegas was the first guy stuck his hand out to me in alcoholics 1980 and I was in a meeting and all the old timers saw me for what I was I was crazy They stayed away from me, right? They gave me a lot of room. They just said, glad you're here, bro. There's some coffee over there for you to have a seat. You know, I just growled at them when we were sat down. But every meeting he's got a newcomer just caught fire with Alcoholics Anonymous and he's going to be giving it away tonight. And he saw a new guy, right, so here he came. Big grin on his face, hair all combed and neat and shaved and tidy and hand out. And I'm mad dogging this guy like crazy, right. Just, don't come over here. he's not having it he just slides up and says hi my name is Vegas I'm an alcoholic and I said so what you know ain't exactly the highlight of my life man I don't know what you're so happy about get away from me and he looked at me and he said keep coming back and there were like three guys standing over there and went hey did you see that Vegas told him to keep coming very cool very cool and I'm thinking alright this is great so far apparently there's some deep spiritual significance to keep coming back you all seem to know what it is i don't i'm the odd man out i'm a loser i'm an idiot in the room one more time thanks a lot loving aa so far i'm sure when i go back to my little one room place i got right and i'm pacing all night and i'm ready i'm getting to the point where i want to kill myself or several other people right i'm that keep coming that thing's gonna really help thanks and you know what if you're new and we do that to you and we don't we do you come in and we just hey how you doing one day at a time hey man how are you keep coming back hey good to see you turn it over alright very good you know we just like throwing these slogans out and I wish you had more courage than I I just stabbed myself with this thing Yeah, she says keep coming back. Yeah, all right, I will. If you're new and we do that to you, have more courage than I did just step up and say you know what I don't understand I've been here an hour I don' t understand the deep spiritual significance of turning it over would you mind expanding on that for me a little bit well where I got super if they are honest about 75% of them would say you now I don''t know what it means either you know they said to me when I came in, I'm just saying it to you. I don't know what the hell it means. There's a guy over there who reads the big book. Let's go ask him. Maybe he knows. It's the weirdest thing, isn't it? You can actually go to meetings and they point out the guy who reads the big books. That guy over here is the guy that guy over over there reads the Big Book. Whenever he talks, we go out and smoke cigarettes. And I was one of those guys, man. I wasone of thoseguys. Oh, the bookthumpers. Got to avoid the book thumpers zealots beware of the zealot actually just a guy talking about the program anyway what the hell was i talking about ah my first meeting so then the guy gets up to speak and uh he was i remember he was a skid row bum he was an ex boxer and a wino and i immediately noticed those things because i'm not those things and that's what i'm looking for i'm trying to find what you are that i'm not, and I don't have to listen to you anymore. I noticed the differences, not the similarities. That's the way my brain worked when I got here. And I thought, if I can find, I thought I'm none of those things. This guy don't know anything about me, but I was stuck in an A&A meeting back up against the wall, arms folded. Vegas is over there somewhere, you know? And I though, but then I kind of noticed this guy's up there and he's talking openly and honestly about his feelings as a man. And he had kind of a grace and a dignity about him that I didn't put together with those kind of things. It was just all really foreign to me. There were these opposing worlds colliding, you know? Telling the truth and having some dignity, right? Talking about your feelings as a man and doing it with kind of a grace and a sense of self-respect in a very unapologetic way. And it was all very strange to me but enticing somehow. I mean, it was just like, wow, man, that's so different. And if I'm not mistaken, looking at my past, I need different. I really need different like right now and this guy's it's different I don't get it but it feels different and that's the thing for me about Alcoholics Anonymous is not so much the words but the feelings that go on around here because I've never I mean I've never really paid much attention to the facts I've certainly never got loaded over a fact you know I get I get drunk over the feelings I have in response to the facts as they occur all right it's always been about down in here to me and I felt that guy and then it was like and he did another one other thing that was amazing to me he's like he looked right at me and he said I don't care whether you like what I got to say or not you don't like it go to another meeting and I loved that because it made it clear to me He wasn't selling me something he was sharing it with me and if I wanted it I could have it it was for free and and with a look of disdain on my face defiance in my eyes looking at all of you I thought quietly to myself this is this is cool, I'm coming back. All right? Which when you think about it is a really, really big decision, you know, considering that I didn't have any place else to go. You know, it was like I was sacrificing a lot to come to another AA meeting. Right? I mean, if you'd have said to me when I got here, listen, AA meetings are from noon to midnight. They're all 12 hours long and you've got to go every day. I would have just said, okay. I have no scheduling conflicts. It's just a flat line, man. Sure, I'll go. And you know what? I've never left you. And last November 6th, that was 23 years. And I couldn't stay sober. Hang on. I couldn'T stay sober for a day. You're just clapping for yourselves, man, because I guarantee you that 23 years got absolutely nothing to do with Azurl season. You know what I mean? It's you. You're the reason that that's the truth for me. Alcoholics Anonymous, those of you that have gone before me, and God bless you with 44 years. Where is that gentleman? Thank you for the gentleman. I'm an oaky truck driver. There's no blackberry. She knows everything. If you think I'm going to tell you to sit down, you're crazy. You can talk all you want, man. My wife's sitting next to him going, sit down. Sit down. No, I mean, you guys are the light up ahead, you know? You guys are light up a head. You're the proof that it keeps getting better. You know? Man, my hand to God. I hope for the day I stand up somewhere with 44 years and my wife's telling me to sit the hell down. Sounds good to me. so thank you everybody else and you know what thank you to the guy anybody here got a day yeah thank you too thank you i'm glad you're taking your turn you know because that's all it is man is that everybody in here had a day everybody in here had a day we all got to take our turn you know anybody in here gone out and used and drank and come back yeah God bless you too for coming back you know and I hope that I'll tell you what man I've seen a lot of times I can't believe sometimes I see people go out and come in the meetings and they go Do you know that she drank? Can you believe she drank I think for God's sake You know I may be mistaken But I believe it's my job Is to extend the hand of AA I mean, one alcoholic judging another has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever... I don't know what God's will is for me. How the hell am I going to know what it is for you? You know? And I'll guarantee you, man, I know people who've gone in and out and in and during one of the times they were in, shared at a meeting and saved my ass. Because I don' t sit in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous listening around going, I've got two years. Oh, well, you know, I'll read while he's done. I remember sitting in a meeting and I just felt bone dry inside. And the first speaker was a girl with, she wasn't a woman, she was a little girl, two and a half years, right? And she got up and started to talk about God and blew the top of my head off. You know? And you know how come I had the good fortune to have my head blown off? because I was in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember sitting in a meeting and there was some guy, it was a participation meeting, somebody said, hey man, you want to share? This guy said, alright. My name's Bob, I'm an alcoholic. First of all, screw you. Screw AA. And you in particular over there, screw you personally, I hate you. And I don't like AA and I don' t like your ANA meetings and I dont like the steps and I like that dumbass book, and thank you for letting me share. And half the meeting sat there thinking, I have never heard such a disgusting display. The other half of the meeting was going, all right, Bob! And I was with the team going, alright, Bob. You know why? Because Bob felt like that at home. to an AA meeting and sat there quietly showing respect for that AA meeting. Bob didn't open his mouth until somebody said, would you like to share? And Bob said, okay. And Bob told the truth. Bob didn'T sit there feeling like that, thinking those things and sit there and say, love AA y'all beautiful people. Thank you for letting me be here. God bless y' all. Thank y' All. Bob didn' t do that. Bob was pissed off. Bob told you, right? And six months later, Bob's got the coffee commitment there and Bob's doing all right, you know. I mean, that's the deal, you know. We don't come here because we got it all together, you know. I didn't come hier because I had it all, you know. Yeah, I've been in a hospital for 42 days and, you know, that 16 years of drinking and using was kind of a down period but, you know, at 42 days in the hospital, I think I got it squared away now. So, you know, if any of y'all need some help, just, you know, let me know. It's just not the way it went. Got to let people be new. Got to allow people to do what they want to do. Let people come back. Got to love people. Be other people. That's these are the gifts of Alcoholics Anonymous for me, man. Somebody said, you all these deep esoteric unanswerable questions that I love. I like the big questions, right? It's the little ones that are very difficult for me. You know, like, how are you going to pay the rent? That's a small question. That's horrifying questions. But what is the meaning of life? Let's sit and talk about that forever. You know? I remember I'm walking on the beach in Mexico. I got about six years, and I've got this guy with two years, and I'm talking with this other guy. He's a great AA educator. I mean, he's a good teacher by nature. He's got about 20 years. And the two-year-old guy asked the 20-year old guy, Father. The guy's a Jesuit priest, sober in about 20 years. And the guy with two years says, Father, how do you improve your conscious contact with God? And I'm standing in the middle thinking, oh, great. This guy's at Jesuit, man. These people are the most overeducated people on the planet. He's going to go on for an hour and none of it will be applicable. This is my attitude, right? And the father turns to him and he says, how do you improve your conscious contact with God? Oh, that's easy. Dance. Sing. Go for a walk in the woods. Go for walk on the beach. Read a wonderful book. Listen to wonderful music. Talk to interesting people. And I looked at the father and I went, possibly I'm wrong here. That's a hell of an answer. Love that answer. And it's just all the time in AA. From that first meeting, I haven't left. They said, get a sponsor. I said, what's a sponsor? They said sponsor somebody who's got what you want. And I said well personally I would like to drink. So maybe you've thrown the ball back at my court just a little early here. And I have since come to believe that I want a sponsor who's gotta what he wants. happiness is wanting what you've got i gotta find that guy if i didn't have the sponsor i have today by the way it was the most remarkable sponsor on the face of the earth and if you don't feel that way about your sponsor get another one and if he asked me for the number of my sponsor no up front i will give you a phone number but it will be incorrect i'm only 23 years sober i keep him very busy but you had a sponsor and i saw i went and i found this guy the the late great donald madden um and i asked donald donald had been in 23 mental institutions he was the only person i've ever met who got evicted from the nut house they finally just told him you gotta go you gotta go if you don't leave now you're gonna be one of those guys that never leaves just go and they booted him out of the nuthouse and he went to aa and there he was sitting there waiting for me when I got sober. And I went up to him and I said, will you sponsor me? And he said, sure. And you don't have to like what I tell you and you don'T have to think it's a good idea. You just have to do it because this is a program of action. You're not going to think your way into the life you need, want, desire. You'RE going to have to act your way into it. I said cool, having no idea what that meant. No problem. And uh, I just started to do what he did. and at six and a half years sober, me and my buddy, I'm going to seven to nine meetings a week. I'm talking to my sponsor on a daily basis. I'm taking out two panels a month. I've got commitments all over the place. I'm just AA boy, you know? I'm running around in AA. I'm working and I'm in AA, I'm sleeping and I am in AA and my life is so much better. I have a small little tiny life, man, but you know what? The madness had stopped. The madness had stopped. And I would wake up hopeful as opposed to hopeless. You know, I got here hopeless. It was just so dark inside. And I was learning how to talk to other people, you know. And I had a couple of people in my life that I was pretty sure we were friends, you know. Didn't know for sure because I don't know what that is. But I was prety sure, you know, we were engaging in behavior that was not dissimilar than friendship. It was about as close as I could get. And then my friend said, you know, they got a book. I said, yeah, I got one. It's blue. Which I thought pinned it down nicely. And he said, this and that and the other thing. We decided we needed to get into this book. So we started following around the book thumpers, the guys we'd been avoiding. And we got these tapes of these guys that take you through the book. You know, and we got more tapes and more tapes and we looked at the cover and in the old days it was a jacket. Old days for me. In the recent past, on the third edition there was a circle with a triangle on the jacket cover. Ancient spiritual symbol stands for mind, body and spirit brought together as a whole human being. And therein lies the balance that I had sought my whole life and never had, drunk or sober. I was a drunken maniac. You sobered me up, I became a sober maniac. Right? Because I hadn't done the inside work. I was taking all these actions in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous that was affecting a change in me. It was having a profound effect on me. My life was... All the bad stuff was stopping. And I was healing. But I was going to have to go to the well. I was gonna have to do it. I was just gonna have no hope to go the well because for me this I know more than I know anything else about this life. And that is, is that for me, this is not about stopping drinking. That is not what this is about. This is about how do I stay stopped? And the only way a guy like me is going to stay stopped is if I can be relieved of the obsession of the mind. I can't have that beast whispering at me all the time, all the times. Because someday the planets are going to line up just right and that beast is going start making sense. And without even realizing what happened, I'm going to pick up a drink and it's going to be on. I will have relinquished the power of choice and the beast will have me by the throat. So it's not about stopping. It's about staying stopped. And the only way I can stay stopped is if I can get comfortable sober. And the Only Way I Can Get Comfortable Sober Is To Be Relieved Of The Obsession Of The Mind The Greater Aspect Of My Disease. That has to occur. There's only one thing I know that is designed specifically and directly to impact the obsession of the mind, and that is the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's it. I was stunned to discover this. So me and my friend, we get the book, and we figure it's some wise, smart-ass old-timer, and we were saying, you know, hey, we're reading the book. And he looked at us and he said, read the black part. And walked away. All right, you old bastard, all right. I know where that is. So we're reading along, and I can't tell you how many times this happened. We'd be reading along and all of a sudden I'd go, hey, you know that thing they say in those meetings? There it is, right there. Who knew? And I mean, ten minutes wouldn't go by and one of us would go, well, I'll be damned. Look at that right there. Right there in the book. You know? And I hadn't recognized the relationship between those two things before. I thought they were completely independent statements. Seem to be linked here by these other words. You know, when we just kept reading and found out that you work through the steps if you read the doctor's opinion in the first 164 pages of the book. I suggest reading the whole thing, but that's the text of it right there. And I found out the steps are pretty simple. There they are. Right? Step one is, what's the problem? Well, it seems that lack of power is my dilemma. On page 30 in the book it says we must admit to our animal self we're alcoholic. That's the first step in recovery, right? I admitted that when I was 16. But there's a difference between admitting I'm an alcoholic and surrendering. Big, big difference. About 12 years for me. So step one of what's the problem? Lack of power is my dilemma. Well, what's The Solution to the Problem? Now I know what the problem is. What's The solution? Step two, that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of the obsession to drink. I mean, you've got to really take a look at what the problem is. A lot of people look at step one, and they're like, yep, okay, step two. Uh-uh. I don't think so, man. Because, I mean... If I'm lost, if I'm going somewhere, I've got a plot of course. I have to get a direction. I haveと move from here to there. I've gotta get from A to B. Well, ifI'm lost and I call somebody up and say, I'm lossed and I'm trying to get to ripping. Did I say that right? you sound shocked that i said that yeah you actually did right i'm lost and i got to get the ribbon what's the first thing you're going to ask me where are you now i gotta get real clear on point a before i can give you directions to point b c so i gotta really take a good look at that step two that's the solution to me okay i can do that on the couch i can sit in that can't go step one yep that's the problem definitely the problem yep step two probably gonna have to be the solution because i tried everything else right step three what should i do and by the way a perfect time to do step three is when you just finish step two right from the words of my sponsor the late great donald mad um step three says you better make a decision to do something about the information you've put together in steps one and two get out off the cats get on your knees and turn your will and life over the care of a god you may or may not understand for me it's i agree with bridget completely i have a fantastic relationship with a god i do not understand i have found that so many of the things that i thought were absolutely necessary to a successful life are not one of them is me knowing what's going on not required clearly thank you god for that one another one is is that my approval is no longer required either anyway i'll go off on a tangent there step three i get out of your mind i get back up on the couch right little spooked about what i just did right turn my will in my life over power greater than myself that i don't even understand step and it says you must immediately embark upon a plan of rigorous action this is all just a complete waste to everybody's time okay what should i do well we got an action plan now four five six seven eight and nine four and five is me six and seven is god and eight nine is everybody else and there ain't nobody else to play with that's it so in four i swallow large chunks of truth about myself i wrote a four column inventory on resentment fear and sex because if you want to look where i can get a little off the beaten path those are some pretty good areas to check out. Yeah, I'm all alone there, right? Yeah, it's just Earl. That's why we put him in the front of the room so we can keep an eye on him. five a guy comes in the house before god i read this to him he says good luck he gets out of the house i'm still in thehouse six and seven i hook it back up with god i ask god to remove the defects of character because i'll remove the wrong stuff I can't spot because in my mind if it's working it ain't no defect of character there's a prescription for pain right there man let me tell you does that work? yeah oh man right to the grave i met a guy once he said how's those he says you know those defects of character i said yeah yeah he said uh they're gone i said it's all still still gone still gone because all right i get your point right i ain't gone they're hiding come on man i got every defect of character i had when i got here the difference is i'm no longer at the mercy of them as a result of the grace of the 12 because you got nothing to say about it i don't know where this is going you know and out the door you go sober married you wake up lustful, right? Open your eyes and you go, uh-oh. Whoa! Uh-oh! You don't get out of bed, man. You roll out of bad. Hit the floor. Yeah, no identification there. Yeah. And the wife wakes someone looks at you and she says, good morning, baby. And you're okay. I am. I'm okay. Okay. You know, it's like, thanks. Right? In it for a minute and out. Right. Because not at the mercy of it anymore. Not at the Mercy. Does that mean I'm a Prince? I'm going to say, I don't, I never, I never surrendered to a defective character. Not true. If you've seen the way I tackle that dinner you serve me, you'll know that gluttony is an issue. I was hungry and I ate like a hungry man. That was, thank you for dinner, by the way. Thank you very much for dinner. It was, okay, back in. You should see the inside of this. It's just, it's just astonishing. Jane. Anyway, six and seven. Eight and nine. Got to clean it back up with you. A lot of conversation in the book about eight and nine because nine, they're going to let me out of the house for the first time. One on the couch. Two on the coach. Three got out on my knees, back up on the couc. Four on the couch. Five guy came in, read it to him, split. six seven on the couch eight made a list on the couch nine leaving the house get ready but there's a lot of conversation in the book to prepare that because you leave the house and you say I'm very very sorry here's your money back in the house not you know not hey get a load of me I'm on this great vision quest the spiritual quest I mean I'm you know pretty soon they're gonna be you know it's just I'm amazing I am spiritually amazing. It's like, please, you know? And to make amends means to change. So I'm sorry I stole your car. I estimate the value of the car at $10,000 at the time of the theft. So here's a check and if that's acceptable to you, I will pay you a check every month until the car is paid for. And I will not go steal your car and sell it to pay you for the car I stole from you. I'm not stealing cars. To make amens means to change. I got to change the way I do things, all right? 10, 11, and 12 keep me in the game. 10, me, 11-12, 11 God, 12 you. Same thing. 10. I continue to take personal inventory because I have just scratched the surface here. Just scratched the service. There's worlds within worlds here. That's not bad news. That is good news. This is the one gig you don't want a finish line with. This the one you don t want to ever end because it just gets better and better and better. If it didn't, we go get drunk, right? I'm looking at the guy with 44 over here and he said, yep. Thank you. Yeah. All right. 11. I seek God. I see God. How? How do you see God? Well, it says right there through prayer and meditation. I pray for knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out. That's it. Why do I meditate? To quiet the mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them. Because the answer is, thankfully God does not talk to me through the radio anymore. I get an intuition, a feeling, a sense of things that I know in my heart is the right and proper direction for somebody trying to improve their life. Somebody who's trying, you know, a struggling sober newcomer alcoholic who's tried to improve his life. Trying to have their life become something of value to somebody other than themselves. right? It says in the book that ours is a code of love and tolerance, right? Right? Good. All right. I'll screw up up here. Watch me. You got to... Right? I mean, the rest of the world, they say love. The rest ofthe world, they saylove. To guys like me, you got to say love andtolerance. They knew who was coming. love and tolerance because I am so intolerant of myself. I am so intolerant to others. I spent, I mean you should have seen if you would have seen the inside of my head you'd have thought wow that guy puts himself to hell before he talks. Right? Because of the plane crash and all that stuff I'm a terrified flyer. It's not a what do you call it a phobia or an irrational fear. It is based on my experience. I've been in a plane that crashed you know people bled to death in front of me and I got broken from head to toe I don't like flying. Playing bumps, my head goes right to fight or flight. I go right to pictures popping up telling me bad stuff, get out of here. It scares me to death, right? And I've been sick for nine days, so I'm a little squirrely anyway. You know what I mean? I don'T have my normal little mantra thing going. Get on a plane and fly up here. My back's out. My back hurts like hell. I come up here, and then I'm sitting there, and I'm talking to my friends Penny and Bridget, and I'M saying, man, I just so don'T want to do this tonight. I so don't want to do this I'm tired I don't feel good I want to go home and they both just said the things that they say to me to just humor me until it's time to get up because they know I'm going to get out of here and I'm gonna do the best that I can when they say the 12 traditions I sit there and I do my mantra what I do is I sit here and I say thy will not mine give me out of the way so that I could try to be a service because it's all I have. All I have is what I can share, my experience, my strength, my hope about the process of Alcoholics Anonymous. I can tell you if you're new, 10 is me, 11 is God, and 12 is others. Having had the third side of the triangle, unity is the body, I bring it here. Recoveries of the mind, I work those 12 steps to be relieved of the obsession of the minds so that I can get comfortable sober. The impossible. Having done that, having had the awakening that comes as a result of that, I can be of service to others. Not because I'm a good guy, but because I don't want to die in a gutter. And I know, man, when I drive around and I see in L.A. and I sees these guys on the street, man kicking on park benches and on bus stops and I know I got the same disease those guys do and the difference between me and them is, as Norm Alpe used to say seconds and inches. That's what that is. That I'm here, I have not been shown mercy I haven't been shown justice. I have been shown mercy. Justice, I'm in a cage or I'm in a box. Mercy. And I'm here because of a loving God in my life that I don't understand but I see evidence of on a daily basis. I work those 12 steps and I try to carry the message Alcoholics Anonymous because I walked here at the free man today. I'm 51 years old. People let me go and said goodbye to me when I was 25 years old because they knew all that was left was for me to die and they didn't want to stand there and watch it. And I'm 51, and I can't tell you how much I am digging 51. I'm married. I'm marriage to somebody I actually know. If you'd met my first three wives, you'd understand the power of that statement. And that's the result of having been here for a while. We own a home. Not a house, a home Got two dogs, right? got plants and stuff right i remember we got the house we moved into the house two things i'll shut up we moved in to this house and i saw these uh i looked around you know what i mean i saw you know nice lawns all down the block and everything and we got this pretty lawn i thought well you got to keep this up because dead lawn is a giveaway you know pretty lawn pretty lawn pretty lawn, drug addicts, pretty lawn pretty lawn you gotta keep the lawn up because we're walking among them and you don't want to be sending signals like that so I thought well I'll get the lawn thing I see people out there with the hose and stuff so I go and I get the hose there's a hose there and I pick up the hose and I turn the thing flailing water around on the grass and in the plants and stuff and all of a sudden it's kind of like late afternoon and the sun's kindof coming through the trees and the sunlight's hitting the plants and the water's on the plants and they've got those little dew drops, you know what I mean? That little prismatic thing going on. You know, things are kind of lights dancing off the plants. And I'm thinking, okay, this is kind of cool. I like this. And then all of a sudden I remember a little flashback into the college days, right? And I remember thinking, now, if I'm not mistaken, these plants are alive. It's actually a living thing. and they are breathing in carbon dioxide and breathing out oxygen. I, on the other hand, am standing right here breathing in the oxygen and out the carbon dioxide. It seems we got a little thing going here. Now I'm catching a little buzz with this water lawn thing. Here's a little more for you, my brother. Here's another. Here's more for your sister. Right? I'm getting a good feeling now about this, right? Now people are driving by and they're seeing man on lawn watering plants. And what's happening? What's happening is there's an alcoholic on the front lawn catching a buzz with some of his friends. Now what I'm telling you is, I remember before I got to you, I had to hear a bullet go by to think I had an interesting evening because I was so dead inside, so dead inside it took an extreme experience for me to feel anything now because of you i get to do the most amazing thing i could have never dreamed anything like this was possible for a guy like me i get the marvel in the ordinary i don't i don' t need a big peak experience i need to be able to wake up and move through the day because there's magnificence going on around me everywhere i look amazing things are taking place relationships are occurring the cosmos is moving and the planet's rotating, and I'm on it, stone cold sober, in for the ride. Good day, bad day. I've had some awful days sober, but I've been in the water for 23 outstanding years. And I go running in the house and tell my wife, the plants? They're alive. And she says, that's lovely, honey. There's some more of your friends out in the back. Why don't you go play with them? I'm like, yeah! Let's go! Right? I'm into it. Now everybody else can. Maybe you have to water your lawn. I get to water mine. Maybe you have to stand in line. I get too. Maybe you, maybe you have to sit in traffic. I get two because I'm telling you, man, I'm above ground and catching a buzz. There's always something to hook up and marvel in always. And for you new folks, like I said before, take your turn, take your term. We need to let you take your time. And those of you with some time, we got to remember that the newcomer gets their turn at being new, at not understanding, they're being absolutely shocked what's going on around here and listening to stuff and thinking how the hell what's the hell does this have to do with me right i mean i remember louis when i would go to my first i remember when i was brand new going to ohio street going to meetings and i'd pull up and i go there's a building there's a building that's good that'sgood they're parked car parked car bring your keys bring your keys because they put the keys in the chair they putthe keys in the chair you put the key on the chair and that's your seat andthat's where you're sitting you're looking for the guy where am i gonna sit where am I going to sit i'll sit next to the guy with a red coat red coat it's the next the guywith a redcoat then i'll find the guy with the red coat if i'm a key so let me see this be good let's be good people walking I'm like, how you doing? Fine. How you doing fine. How are you doing. Fine. Yeah. Right. Meeting started in my seat. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Good. Good, good, good guys up. He's up. He's down and I didn't get none of that. I don't know what the hell happened. There is another guy he's up, he's out. He said he's reading, he was reading. You really saw something. He rarely saw something, I don' know what he's off, but he really saw some of it. He really says something. And then when 12, 12 things, there's a really sell something. 12 things. ABC 12 things in ABC. There's 12 things and ABC and a 12 things they be saying, I got that. He's there. I didn' get a lot of that, but 12 things ABC. That's good. That's good. There's another guy. He's up, he's up. He drank, he drank. I drank like that. I drank it like that and that's good, that's cool. Oh, I like that guy. I like the guy very much. He's down. Get that guy back. I like this guy. I like him. I like me that guy That was very good. I need to meet that man. I need a... Oh, oh, wait. What's that? What's there? There's an other guy. There's and other guy They're passing a basket. They're passin' out. Don't take the money. Don't takin' money. Don't takin' money Don't taken' money Okay, the basket's fine. Fine. How you doing? I'm fine. They're ringing the bell, ringing the bell. What are we doing? We're back in the meeting, back in the meeting. Sitting down, sitting down. Red coat, red coat. Where's the guy with the red coat? Sit down, sit down, sit down. Yeah, I got it. I got it. Good. I'm good. I've become fine. Alright, this guy's up. He's reading 12 things. Those are different things. 24 things ABC. 24 things on ABC. He is another guy. He drank. He drank. I drink like that. I drink like. I love this guy. I felt like that I felt like that this is absolutely amazing. I love this guy. This guy. That is amazing. He he's been reading my my mail that's amazing me too man me too me too sit down that was amazing and i would walk out of that meeting like that and that was the inside of my head looking like a normal guy there's people in here right now we're going what's so funny about what he's talking about and i Would go home and i Would pace in my little apartment get my one hour sleep and get up and start all over again man And that was a victory for me, and I got to remember you. I mean I sponsored this guy Louie Satan. I sponsor Satan. He's got a bald head and two horns of red hair shellacked up on his head. You think I'm kidding, right? He's gotta beard down to a point like that. He's gonna devil's tail tattooed up his back. He's go flames tattooed on his legs like he's standing in the fires of hell. I'm speaking at a meeting one day. And at the end of the meeting I speak to this guy. Here comes Satan. Satan's coming up. Satan says, dude, you have to sponsor me. And I said, okay, but I got to tell you, I'm a little concerned about what I must be throwing out there for you to be identifying with me. And I've sponsored Louie a long time, man, and Louie's got 11 years sober now. And Louie is an absolutely fantastic example of Alcoholics Anonymous. He goes to midnight madness meetings down in Hollywood, man. and those little speed freak 16, 17-year-olds come tweaking in off the boulevard at midnight. And I mean, these kids are 16, 17 years old, and they are getting in here just in time. Cooked. And they look around the room, and they go, holy shit, the devil got sober. And Louie walks over to him and says, all right, little bro, you don't ever have to drink again as long as you don' want to, man. I can show you how. It just makes me cry watching that happen, man. I mean, you know, the guy, he's not going to believe me, but he'll believe Louie, man, and Louie is on the front line doing the deal every single day. He's an amazing human being. And I got to remember taking Louie to the meeting. You know, I got to remember me because when I take Louie into the meeting and I go because the big-time speaker's speaking and i go and we go and louie's sitting next to me when louie had like 30 days and the speaker's going on and on and all around the pearls of wisdom and i'm thinking man this is absolutely astounding how great this is and i glad i am that louie is sitting here with me at this time and i could be a link in the human chain that could bring these pearls of wisdom to louie right well the fact of matter is louie and i are having fundamentally different meetings louis louie'S HAVING MY OHIO STREET MEETING well i'm listening to stuff it took me years to be able to hear what alice has got to say and understand what he was talking about louie gets his turn so when we leave the meeting and i look at louie and go what do you think of that man louis let me he goes it's fine that's great if you just sit here and stay if you stay through this whole thing me up here ran and raving for four hours right you win that's in defense of your own life to be in meetings of alcoholics and i was my feeling is this go to regular meetings regularly. That's what I do. Engage in active sponsorship. I am sponsored actively. I actively sponsor a legion of guys. I engage in any respects. I face my very worst fear and I fly around and do what AA asks me to do. I don't do it as much as I used to because I'm older. And I'm married, and this time if it's alright with you, I'd like to stay that way. i got a great life i owe it to you i love alcoholics anonymous and one of the things i love the most is the laughter we've been in here talking about death and dying and horrible things and laughing our asses off the healing is in the laughter so we could come together and find out you know what it's all right we're alcoholics it's not an excuse it's a fact. We're alcoholics, and we gather together and we rise out of a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body together. I couldn't get sober, but since I've been with you one day at a time, I've able to engage on life-on-life terms, and I will never, ever, ever be able to pay you back, and i will never ever be to explain to you how intensely acutely grateful I am to Alcoholics Anonymous, and since I now have no voice left, thank you.