Coming Into AA Before I Was Ready Showed Me Where to Come Back When I Finally Was – Morgan G.

Hey, guys, I'm Morgan. I'm an alcoholic. It's been a while since I told my story. And I've been I've been thinking about it a lot leading up to this because it's a very weird kind of transitional time. My sobriety date is October 1 2021. So in a month, I'll be celebrating four years. I know a lot of people when they say things like that. They're like, God willing, and like all of these things like no, this works better. I'm going to keep doing this. So in a month, I'll have four years. And I'm not saying that is like ego, like cockiness or anything like that. It's just what we're going to do because this that's not an option anymore. I wanted to focus a lot more on qualifying myself as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous as opposed to qualifying qualifying myself as a drunk because I'm here for a reason. It didn't go well. The experiment that I tried multiple times every single day on a continuous cycle. I did come into AA way before I was ready. So we're going to start there because that's really when I think about my life, I will say that's kind of where my life started. I walked into my first meeting a week before I turned 21. I was really depressed because my cab had gotten run over. I was working and I was taking things to stay awake. I was taking things to go to sleep. I was falling asleep at work. It was really bad. It's not a good situation. And my roommate at the time had been in recovery previously in Athens. She said, Hey, do you want to go to a meeting? I had never known anything besides the movie and TV version of AA. So I was like, you know what? Sure. Like, let's go. I didn't. Yeah, it was terrifying, but it's okay. I didn't know anything about AA. So I walked into my first meeting at Serenity House and it looked very different than it does now. I walked in and not knowing anything was so funny because the person started the meeting and he said, Hi, I'm John and I'm an alcoholic. And I said, that seems like a really, really bad idea. I was like, that's terrifying. Why were they letting them run this? It was really great. I don't remember anything else. I don't remember anything. I don't remember anything. I don't remember anything. I don't remember anything. I don't remember anything. I don't remember anything. I don't remember anything. I don't remember anything else from my first meeting that anybody said, except for that guy, because I was so focused on that. But then I got a sponsor because they told me that I should get one and I'm also a recovering people pleaser. So I did that thing. And I was like, all right, sure. And I asked this girl to sponsor me for the whole thing. The thing from that experience was I knew where I could go when I was ready. But the problem with that was that I was not done and I was not convinced enough that it was me. I found myself in the book. I related to a lot of people in AA. I knew deep down that I was one of you, but I was not done. And that's just as simple as it is. I was not ready to do the things that were required here to actually stay. I wanted to stop, but I didn't want to stay stopped. That was my first experience in recovery. I tried because I did find myself in there. I really did try to stay around for other people for a long time. And I picked up several, several white ships in that time. Lived with people in the program. It was a very weird, transient time. Very nomadic. It was super fun. I picked up a ton of white ships and I got to the point where I was like, I don't want to pick up another one until I'm actually doing this. I don't feel the need to keep collecting these if I'm not all the way in. And I knew I wasn't. And I had convinced myself that I was doing what I wanted to do. And I went back out and I had an experience for roughly five years. I had a lot of yets when I first came into the program. I had never been in a car accident. I had never been arrested. I had never done, we were watching something the other night. He was like, I don't do white drugs. And I thought it was really funny. I'd never done those. There were a lot of things that I had never done. I was very much a like alcohol and, and Mary Jane person. So I'd never, never dabbled in other things. I was very sheltered growing up. So that was not something that I knew about. That'll come up again as to things that I was unaware of and the situations I ended up in. For a little while, it was manageable. And I really, the one thing I've been thinking, is that step one for me, I could admit that I was powerless over it, but I'm managing just fine, which is not true. The mental backflips that I could do to convince myself of those things meant that I could convince you of those things. Also, things were, I would say manageable. I still, for some reason, never ended up losing a job. I don't know why people really needed to fire me, but they never did. I know that they were aware. There's no way I could have been like that much of dumpster fire and nobody, nobody knew. Like I said, things were kind of going, going along okay. Like I wouldn't necessarily say I was participating in life, but it was just the cycle of going to work, to go home, to get messed up, to go to work, to go home, to get messed up. And I remember telling people, I was like, if I'm not at work, I'm under the influence of insert thing here. Usually multiple things, because I very much preferred being, like being an experiment. Cocktails, if you will. It was working. Okay. I guess. Some life events, I ended up moving to Athens with an ex of mine. We were not great. I really liked lashing onto people that I could use because that was really fun. And he had a car and I didn't. So that relationship lasted way longer than it should have. I very much abused that person. And I'm not proud of that, but we do what we need to do, stay in our lifestyles, right? When that relationship did ultimately end, I didn't have anyone looking at me, anymore. And I didn't have anyone like keeping tabs on me anymore. And I was in Athens, baby. The college town, I was working at Starbucks and Ulta. And I worked with a lot of college kids and they would go out and party all the time. And then I quickly realized that I didn't like being the messed up one in the room, taking care of college kids when we were out. So I stopped doing that because it was stupid and I paid too much money for things. So I started isolating a lot more. But I met someone who, when I met this person, I was like, oh, this is going to be the love of my life. But it wasn't this dude. I met him through my manager at Starbucks at the time. He was a tattoo artist. I did not realize how very mixed up the tattoo community is with a lot of things. I was completely unaware of that. I just knew that this person was paying attention to me and that was important to me. And I really liked when people paid me attention. So I started hanging out with this person and it would be like three day parties and things like that. And they kept inviting me to come back and that was great. So I kept coming back. And that's funny now. But yeah, I just kept showing up. I was sheltered and I didn't know that basically anything can go up your nose. I'm not aware of that. So I saw like a white line on a tray at one party. I do respect the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is my story. So if this bothers you, I apologize, but this is just how it happened. So I saw something. I was already deep in some other things and I saw something on a tray that I assumed was coke. It was not. Again, I was in Athens. There's also something that's very heavy in and around that area that I was not aware of. I was up for three days and I said, I can drink for three days straight and I only have to sleep for two hours. Let's do it. So that was the love of my life. I remember the first morning after that and after like staying out and drinking all night and doing some like really stupid stuff, going outside and the world never looked as bright as it did. And that was my I have arrived moment. That got really, really bad because amphetamines I also use alcoholically and that didn't go well. I was showing up to work. I was yellow because I was sleeping probably two hours every like five days, putting a lot of things in my body that did not work. And I really, I think for the first time, got to the point where I wanted to stop so badly and I could only go like three hours without putting something in my body. And it was just every day being like, we missed the mark. Like, I don't know how to do this. And I desperately wanted to stop. And I had never had that before. That was March of 2020. When things got really bad. I was in a dark room surrounded by people that for some reason still wanted to hang out with me. There were people I considered family and I lived with them. And because it was the beginning of the pandemic, two brothers, they were tattooing out of the house because that's what they did because they couldn't work in a shop. So they were touching another house and there was a party literally outside of my door at any given point of the day. I didn't care. I wanted to be alone in my room, just out of my mind. I also got to the point where I was having a lot of breathing problems. I physically couldn't breathe. I remember the first time I ever ingested any form of alcohol ever. And it felt like the first deep breath I ever took. So it actively taking my breath away to where I felt like I couldn't breathe. And my heart rate, like my resting heart rate would be like 150, 130, 150, kind of terrifying. And I kept doing it anyway because I could not stop. I'd had some people, I had one person that I knew that it was in recovery at that time. This is also a person that I was romantically interested in. And I was laying there out of my mind. I had a moment and I've talked about this before and somebody told me to say it. So I'm going to say this. But I had a brief moment where that window opened up for me to tell people the truth. Because if you were doing things with me, you could know. But I was not going to tell you what was going on. And I was not about to tell you how devastatingly bad it was. That was not going to come out of my mouth. So in that window of willingness for me. Opened. I was like, I have to like throw a log in this window right now. If I don't say anything to anyone right now, this is going to close. And I don't know how much longer this is going to happen. And I don't know if I'm going to make it out of that. So I picked up the phone. I called this person that I knew and they were conditionally sober. And that was the whole thing. I called them, told them everything, just laid it out. I called multiple members of my family. Laid it out for them. I called a couple friends and laid it out. And I ended up moving in with somebody in Beaufort with that person that I was interested in who I'd been working with who was also in a relationship because that's a pattern, you know, like why not? I ended up moving in with them. I did an outpatient during the pandemic and that was a really interesting experience. I was completely broken and I didn't have any tools for life at all. So I ended up in a situation. That I'm incredibly grateful for because I was furloughed from my job and I was making a lot of money. And if I would have been making a lot of money and not having to work and would have stayed in the place that I was in. I would not have made it out of that house. I would have made it out of that house on a stretcher. I know that for a fact. I was already suicidal and I would not I would not be standing here right now. So for that reason for that, I'm grateful. However, it was a very conditional situation. So the person that I was in was a very conditional situation. That I was that I ended up being with that was in a relationship for like six months at the time that we were together. It was a whole thing that was in a long-distance relationship. I was living in their house. It was weird, but they they had gotten caught because they were in the medical profession and they had gotten caught using things at work and had to be in a certain program. So I was like, oh I'm safe around this person and I can't do this. So it did create that space. I also effectively made that person my higher power because I'm really good at doing that. And when that relationship went up in flames. Because I suffocated that person because that is the only tool that I knew how to do was to cling on to somebody for dear life because in my mind they had saved me. So I just like life rafted that person suffocated them. They ended up cheating on me. So of course all of that was totally their fault completely. I had no part in that whatsoever. They're a horrible person now today. I do see my part in that and that I had absolutely no tools to be in a relationship had no business being in a relationship. Whatsoever. And if I was in that same situation, I probably would have done the same things that that person did and I wish them no harm today. And that's one of the things for me that AA has given me. That's crazy. Yeah, that's one of the things that could have justified holding on to you for a really long time. And today don't have to when that relationship ended. So did my sobriety because like go figure I went went back out I guess for a lot of months and I was sitting on the back porch at my dad's house. So it's probably around like September 2021. I was sitting on the back porch of my dad's house a month later like the end of September. I had gotten to the point before where I wanted to kill like I wanted to kill myself. I was very much that and I was very desperate. But like I said, I didn't have I didn't have a lot of tools this time. I remember the thought that I had and I was like I don't ever want to be here again and I'm going and willing to do whatever it takes to never be here again because I just so. Badly wanted to be off the carousel man. Like I did not want that to be the case anymore. And I never wanted to feel that way again. My higher power this time around so I came back. I came back in and I picked up a white ship. I didn't get to do that in that last bout of sobriety, which is great because I don't like wasting people's things, but we was the pandemic and meetings weren't happening. So it was all zoom. So I didn't get to waste a white ship which was nice. I came back in and I picked up a white ship on October 1st, 2021. And since that time I have been here. I will say that I think because of the way that my story had gone up to that point, my higher power saw fit to really break me in this time with some really devastating things. So this time around I was picking up a 30-day chip when I found out that one of the people that I lived with previously that I said was like my family, had committed suicide, that one of the people that I lived with previously that I said was like my family, had committed suicide, that one of the people that I lived with previously that I said was like my family, had committed suicide, I found that out in the meeting right after I picked up my 30-day chip. I do not think that's coincidence and I had a moment of are you really here? Like do you want to continue doing this for the memory of that person? Or do you want to go do something stupid again and end up exactly the same way because you've been in that same space? I did decide that in Derek's memory, I would stay here and keep trying to figure this out. I was really in, in this and that was like, it was hard going through that. It really felt like a bomb had gone off in my life and things were so weird anyway, because getting 30 days sober like for like, I don't know, the 80th time is like a whole thing. I didn't want it to be like the 81st time. So we stay. We don't get better like super, super fast as far as mentally, right? I have a thinking problem. Like any form of alcohol was just the same. It's a solution to the problem that I have with my brain. Some rewiring takes way longer than other rewiring. And I was still around a year and a half sober. I was still very actively being a tornado in my own life. I normally don't say this in mixed meetings, but I will say it because I'm not ashamed of it. And I don't, I don't care today to say this because it is what happened to me and that's fine. So I had a friend and ended up having a one-night stand with that friend. I got pregnant and I ended up having a miscarriage. That was like, literally the most traumatic thing I've ever gone through in my entire life. Like entire life. There's a lot of factors of that that were absolutely like devastatingly awful. I was mad at my higher power because I had fully accepted the situation. I was like, this is a consequence of my actions. Like this is what this is what we're doing. Like this is going to go like I was talking. I was living with my parents at the time because I still I was still getting there. Had them like talking about a nursery nursery. It was a whole thing. And then that happened and I was like to bro. Why like really why like that's not cool. I can stand here and like it looks like I have a smile on my face, but it's really it was so uncomfortable. So this is what I do when I'm uncomfortable, but it was okay. I didn't want to feel any of those things and I did when that happened. I did revert to the I can do this by myself. I just need to be alone. I realized within probably an hour and a half of that day after that that I did not need to be by myself. Because I was looking out the window and all I wanted to do is drink. Like all I wanted to do was numb that I call somebody in the program and I said, I need to get out of the house right now that person we went and got breakfast. They got me like a whole care package. Like they brought like even to the extent of like the way that I talk to people today. I tell them a lot of things and I had said something about how I couldn't have deli meats or whatever. I was complaining about it. So they brought me like a thing of turkey like in this like care package like puts like puts like a cold. Cold pack in there and they were like I just continued like putting one front in front of the other. I normally don't go to women's meetings. I went to a women's meeting and like completely lost my whole mind and just shared and like said all of the things that I needed to say and then have people come up to me and and tell me their similar experiences because the end of the day like this was that's what a is and I needed that so desperately and now like I'm okay. I can talk about that. I'm actually like grateful for it because I don't know what my life would look like with like a friggin two and a half year old Jesus Christ. Thank God. It's just one of those things for me today. My sponsor is really big about six and seven because for me like the first couple of steps is like hey, am I willing to do these things? Am I willing to believe in a higher power? Am I willing to like accept that? I'm an alcoholic again. It's like all of these questions that I can just be like, yeah, sure step forward and like really writing things down. I remember I went into step four this like last time with my sponsor. I was like, I don't have a lot of rhythm. We were there for like eight hours and burned a whole candle down guys, and that was crazy. I even got to the point with my resentment. I had like I typed it this time because my hand started hurting from how much I was writing and I was like, can I type this please? And I know a lot of people are very big about writing, but I also didn't want to get carpal tunnel because of my resentment because that would just add to my resentment. I ended up typing this and I ended up like doing a search on there because at the end of the day like all of my resentments were like basically the same thing and all the things that is affected in me were basically. The same things to the point where I was like, like we were probably three quarters of the way through with like do we even have to finish this? Like we like we can go but like it's all the same stuff over and over again. Like like Lego people like insert person put another head on there. Like it's the same thing. This person left me and affected my emotional security. I'm like all of those things doing my fifth step like opened the door for like somebody else seeing me fully and also me being able to fully see myself and understand myself. More and get to know me because for so long like I didn't know me at all. I have a joke with with my sponsor where I would just call her and be like, I don't know who the F I am like and I'm trying to be really clean about this. I would just call her and I'm like, I don't I don't know. I don't know who I am. Like I don't know who I am at all. And for a little while that was like really freaking me out. But now it's a beautiful thing like to get to discover myself and therefore get to discover like my higher power because I do feel like. Those things are tied together my conception of my higher power and me knowing things about me like six and seven or what my sponsor is really big about as it being a lifelong process. I know they're not like they're kind of glossed over in the big book. Like it's very quick. It's like all right now you're done. But you keep like it's just one of the things with me where I don't know on a daily basis what I'm going to come up against, you know, and I'm really grateful to have a sponsor that frames things in the steps because usually I call her and she's like, Oh, we're in step six. That's pretty consistent because I have shortcomings today. Like like everybody else like and that's okay. I will say and I did mention it like earlier but the amends process this time around was a really crazy thing. My sponsor also is very big about letting God leave my immense and like me not pushing those things and the people that I've had like presented to me to make amends to have been so it's been crazy. Experiences where I'm like thinking about a person and then they just come up and then I'm able to talk about that thing. Like I had a whole old middle school friend. They're like I just completely did this girl because I had a boyfriend and smoke a lot of weed and I wanted to hang out with him and I no longer cared about my friend that actually cared about me and we got to settle those things like we got to like sit down and have dinner and then she said you remember when you came over to my apartment a couple years ago and I said and when she said it I remember I had a vague thing. That but I was like God, I'm so glad that you like decided that was not the time that we needed to talk because it was probably not good if I don't remember being there at all, but those are the things that I get to I get to settle today. There are some that I don't I've written a ton written several letters because I've lost people that I feel like oh I own amends to that's frustrating sometimes because I do wish they were here, but they're not and I've written letters burned them done that whole thing and it's something that I get to be I get to be okay with. Today the life that I have now like if you would have told me a couple years ago, if you would have told me that I've been married, I would have like I would have been like you that's gross. Why no that's disgusting. I am I didn't like talk about my childhood, but I'm a product of divorce. I told us I was never going to marry anybody because I was never going to trust you that much to potentially hurt me that much. No way husband's right there. I love him. He's my best friend. One of the things about that. That I will say is I when I met my husband he was going through a lot of stuff and we met in a I watched him walk through things that were really really uncomfortable and like feel crazy and like suicidal and homicidal and all these things and continue coming to meetings and share really aggressively about it and just like continue going to meet and keep working the program. And I was like, okay, cool. Like I I want to be in a relationship with somebody that's going to keep doing this when things are hard and at the end of the day, I'm I'm secure in that because I know that we both have a program. That we work and we work it in different ways. Like we don't normally talk about the way that we work our program because it really doesn't unless it has to do with our family. It's really relevant. I don't write down. I don't write down my 10-step inventory. I'm not good like that, but I will say that things actually weigh on me today. And if things are consistently weighing on me, I do something about them. That's not the kind of person that I was when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. I get to be a friend today. I get to show up for people I get to like do things like in follow. Through when I say that I'm going to do stuff. That's completely the person that I am and like I used to think about my funeral guys. This many people would not have shown up to my funeral. Let me be real clear about that. This many people coming out on like a holiday to like thank you. Now I think about my funeral. I'm like y'all going to be so sad. It's like completely changed. It's completely changed and because I really would I would think I would sit there especially like when I was in that dark room scenario like I would sit there and I would think about it and I'd be like honestly like they probably just be relieved and now you'll be sad and that's just great. One of the things like I said, I am in like a transitory period because getting getting married also meant that I married three kids. They're probably out like doing something weird to get the Zivo nothing like weird weird, but like they're weird because we're weird and it's amazing and we get to have this weird little family unit and I love it so much and I never ever signed up for a life of being a step-parent and it just kind of happened. And I will say that like God that is such a challenge on the daily basis and I'm able to face that today not well all the time because I'm very much still a control freak. It's super fun. Highly don't recommend that actually the things that bother me are so crazy. Why did somebody open another thing of bread when there's one that's still up? But those are the things that I like freak out about today. I have very good first world problems instead of like who put nails in my tires and that's a big jump for someone like me. It's crazy for me to put into words all of the things that a has given me. I'm grateful that I knew where to go. I'm glad that I came in here before I was ready because I knew where to go because that was thought would have been like I because I remember having the thought of like, I mean I'm going to kill myself or I'm going to go back to a I also neglected to mention this but I moved my books like this this big book is the big book that I bought when I first came into the program. It's falling apart now, but I moved my books with me like seven times. I'm not an alcoholic, but I'm going to move these with me just in case or I would be on the other spectrum where I'd be like I'm definitely an alcoholic. That's why I have no power of choice and I'm about to get real messed up right now. It's just crazy crazy person like me left my own devices should not be someone that people show up for like at all. Yeah. I don't know. I used to kill animals. I used to kill plants not intentionally kill animals. Let me be very clear. I used to get pets because I thought that they would fix me and then something would happen to that pet because I was like complete like nobody would have trusted me with a pet rock and now people trust me with children. It's amazing. So there's one story in the back of the book. I know a lot of people like the kingdom. It's amazing. Like there's some stories that I really resonate with but I remember the first time I read this story called student of life here. There's a couple parts in here towards the end. And this pretty much sums up how I feel when I walk into a meeting and how I feel today as I spoke. I looked around the room more importantly. I looked at the faces of people in the room and I saw it. I saw the understanding the empathy and the love today. I believe I saw my higher power for the first time in those faces while fill up at the podium that hit me. This is what I've been looking for all my life. This was the answer right here in front of me indescribable relief came over me. I knew the fight was over. And then later it goes on to say it's almost impossible to adequately describe how much the program has given me. But just as material losses are not necessary to indicate alcoholism material gains are not the true indicators of sobriety. The real rewards aren't material in nature. I have friends now because I know how to be a friend and I know how to nurture and encourage valuable friendships. I will throw in that if I don't think your friendship is valuable to me today. I have boundaries. That's also a positive thing. I did not get sober to be weak. That's one big thing about me. But most importantly I know who I am or I'm getting to know who I am. I'm getting to know my goals my dreams values and boundaries and I know how to protect nurture and validate them. Sometimes I'm working on it. Those are the true rewards of sobriety and they're what I was looking for all along. I'm so grateful for that. My higher power stepped in to show me the way to truth. I pray every day that I never turn my back on. It I came to a in order to stop drinking what I received in return was my life. Thank you guys for letting me share.