Chrissie H. – Service – The Wreckage of the Past – 2010

I know she knows a very good story. She has 16 years, almost 16 years God willing this year or next year, excuse me, next year and she can't stay in Atlanta traffic so her husband had to drive her here. With that I'm going to give you Chrissy. Okay. My name's Christy, and I am an alcoholic. And first thing I want to let you all know, I have talked to God, so I don't know exactly what's going to be said. This is His deal, not mine. I'm just here. I was told in the beginning just to suit up and show up and let Him do the rest. My sobriety date is March 5th, 1994. or, God willing, in a few months I'll have 16 years of recovery in this program. And I'm very grateful for every bit of it. I took my first drink when I was about 16 or 17. I did grow up in Louisville, Kentucky which is weird that I don't like large cities. I hate them. and I learned how to drive on the defense when I started driving but I cry when I come through Atlanta or Nashville I don't do well at all and he's sitting there just sit there and be still okay so that let me back up just a little bit I did come from a broken family my biological dad was an alcoholic He did die of this disease along with ALS, which is otherwise known as Lou Gehrig's disease. When he was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease, they told him that if he wanted a little bit longer to live, he needed to quit drinking. The last memory of my father that I have is a month before he died, my uncle had made I guess like a little trade for his wheelchair and for you to figure out what he was saying you had to start at the beginning of the alphabet and work your way with A and then he'd blink two times and you'd write that letter down and you just, I mean that's how we figured out what he wanted but the one thing that he could still do is still drink beer out of a straw that was the last memory I have of him now I only did see my dad that one time before he died as he terminated his rights when I was a younger child I was adopted by my stepdad used him for money that's about all he was good for because it became my experience I was daddy's little girl he left so I don't have anything to do with men unless at a very young age you're going to give me something and that's it As a teenager, it worked fabulous. I'd sit in his lap, Daddy, I love you. I need the credit card. Daddy, I love you. I need 50 bucks. There's a dress I want. You know, and daddies love it when their little girls are in their laps telling you how much they love you, so that's what, you know, the relationship with him was, and he did the best he could with what he was working with. I never wanted or needed for anything. I was basically spoiled rotten. If I wanted something nine times out of ten, I got it, even if I had to throw a tantrum. And I can still do that real well. So, yeah. So, hush. But today, that man is my dad. That's exactly who he is. I, you know, even before I drank, I really used and abused that man and he deserved better than what he got from me. Anyway, I took my first drink when I was 15 or 16. I was a cheerleader and I thought football players and cheerleaders were good kids. I found out wrong, at least in Louisville with the school I went to. had our first party, went there, took a drink and all of a sudden I became the most popular girl in that room I'm short as you all can see I became very tall my brown hair became blonde all these fabulous things happened to me in one evening with alcohol in me and pretty much in high school it's just when you can get it I did however find friends whose parents were really cool and bought alcohol for us and had parties for us so I could get my alcohol when I needed it. And I had an older brother that helped too. High school, not much drink in my can. When I was 18 I did get pregnant I'm going to get this out of the way I have had four children three of them while was using. I did drink during all three of those pregnancies. I have had one, the one child in sobriety and he actually went through a whole pregnancy with no alcohol. My children weighed 9'4", 9'11", 11'4 and 9 pounds and they were all early so I'm very short and they're very big. So I was very unhappy towards end of the pregnancy, whether I was drunk or sober, I was not happy. But in my drinking though, during pregnancies, I still continued to go to bars. I did not let my pregnancy stop me whatsoever, or at least with my second and third one, I'd still continue to go to bars, and my daughter, when I had her, me and her dad drank a lot, we had a little bit of fun, whatever. We got married. We were together a year and a half. He was younger than me, and we separated. Later, we divorced because he left me for a man, and I did that. That's how much power I thought I had over him. I thought i had the power to, you know, really make somebody become homosexual, and i did that, so that gave me another reason to drink on top of what other issues I had going on in my mind. My second child, I gave up for adoption. During that time, I spent the first five days with him in the hospital. The day I left the hospital, I did not cry. That night, my mom worked second and third shift at a hospital. She was a nurse. She caught me crying. She wasn't supposed to do that. she taught me and she did what she was supposed to do for a mom and she took care of her baby that was the last time I cried until I made it to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous because I don't cry if I got myself in and I can get myself out of it that's the way I was taught I've had a DUI, I did not like that that was not fun I think I was in the drunk tank for six hours or something like that And there was a little bit of humility in that. You know, Judge Coleman, my mom and dad went to church with her. And my normal attire when I went to the bars and I wasn't pregnant was not much. That's all I'm going to say. It's just not much, um, so, you know, however, when I went before Judge Coleman my mom was somewhat pleased because I had jeans on in a shirt that had the top 10 reasons to drink tequila on the back of it, but I was dressed and that's all she cared about. There was clothing on her child, which was good because the drink tank is very cold. I didn't like it in there and I did not want to go back for six weeks anyway. I quit. I did n't drink for six months. I still went to Doodles every time the door was open. I also used to not drink on Sundays because on Sundays I needed rest because I've been drinking all week and I got to have a day where I'm getting some rest with everybody else in the world. Sunday was a good day. It's the way I was raised in church. So Sunday was my day of rest. So for six weeks I didn't drink and I was everybody's designated driver and that was not fun. And then it didn't last long I forgot about the drunk tank and the humility that went along before going for Judge Coleman, having my license taken away from me, paying a fine although I didn't get it as bad as everybody else. I still had some consequences. I'm still going on. I also going backwards a little you know, I liked men but I didn' like relationships with them my pickers broke and they're not very good relationships there's a lot of verbal abuse, physical abuse things like that, a lot about when we're drunk not just them, me too so what I decided to do which I thought was a healthy way of doing things was date married men I don't want them anyway because they're liars and I know that going in And so why do I want to keep them? I get what I need, and you go on. And that's how it was working beautifully. And I had a rule, you know, don't try and hook me up. I don't need none of that. This is the deal. I had one. He didn't pay attention. And it was like 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning. I don'T even remember. But I was not – I don' t even really remember a whole lot. I do remember that I get a knock on my door. I get up, and I'm either waking up from an hour of sleep or I had just recently gotten in. I answer the door, and it's him, and he's brought a friend that he thinks he needs to hook me up with. Well, my first response when I see his friend is, I'm going to marry that guy. That's where I went. Something in his eyes. I'm gonna marry him. Okay, we'll see. And, well, we started dating. So, you know, it did work out a little bit. I got pregnant with my third child. He decided that he needed to go into treatment. I thought it was a fabulous idea for him. So while he's in treatment, I'm still going to the bars. I'd wait for that phone call because I think the treatment center has cut the phones off at 9 o'clock. You couldn't call anymore after that. so I met Cindy and he would sit there and I'd wait for that phone call and I'm just like come on he'd call I'd hang up the phone and we're gone we're down the street you know it's what I did but okay so he goes into treatment and then he goes into a halfway house and then I'm going okay see yeah this is not working out as well as I thought it would because he's not coming back so now I gotta go to AA was not what I wanted to do. It was not. I did walk into AA. Actually, my very first meeting, I think, I might have been eight months pregnant with Blake. I had been drinking. I, honest to God, thought some saltine crackers would cover up the alcohol smell as I walked in the clubhouse. And people are greeting me and hugging me and I'm just like, oh my God, I'm in hell. Everybody was really, really sweet. But, you know, this is not what I want. My plan is my plan is I'm coming in here, I'm getting him, we're leaving, y'all have fun. So I'm playing the director and the actor and everything else that there is to play in this little play I got going on in my head. And nobody's cooperating, but that's okay. I can go home and get drunk after the meetings. and um but i stuck around for four to four and a half months in our clubhouse in bowling green and that is where i got sober up in the clubhouse and bowling green um there are there's three doors and it's probably about this size maybe a little bit wider and the chairs go all the way around the walls and then you have the table in the middle that's in a circle well of course people that want recovery are sitting at the table The people that are just here were sitting by the wall. You can come in late, and you can leave early. I don't have to meet with anybody, especially after I found out how nice y'all were and y'al like to hug. They talked about getting a sponsor. Okay, whatever, got one. Need to work the steps, read them. I'm done. Got a big book, went to treatment. That was part of my acting career too. I had to go treatment, because I had to make it look real. So I got a big book in the treatment center, so I had that covered. And let's see, pray. No, I don't have time. Don't have times for that. Well, this amazing thing happened. After about four to four and a half months, I drank again. I can't imagine why. Really, I can. Now, I've had my son, and at this time when I got sober, when I was coming around, I wasn't sober. I had a six-year-old, my daughter was now six. Now in Bowling Green we had a real active Alla Teen, Alla Kid, Allo whatever little person program and Amber was active in that because she was part of my play too and she got to know some people and they just loved her isn't she precious and she knows how to use a phone and I'm at my apartment and I am drinking. I decide I'm going to take a bath. The baby's hungry. He can wait until after the bath. So I'm sitting in the bathtub. I'm drinking a beer. He's crying in the crib because he's hungry, which I have every intention on feeding him. She's calling people in the program and telling them I'm drunk and I'm in the bath tub. I've not had time to get drunk yet. um so next thing i know i have got um one of my friends in the program at my house um the baby's dad is there and the bowling green police department so i'm thinking this is not good um i do however know a lot of people on the police department from where i earlier got my dui One of them went to school with my brother in Fern Creek, which was two hours away. So it's really weird how you can run into people and just be like, oh, my God. So I had gotten to know some of the police officers. So the way my apartment is is I'm sitting here. I've got the baby. He's fine now. He's not crying. He's got his bottle. He's good. I'm standing here, and I'm feeding the baby, and I've this cop standing here. Well, the way my apartment is on the other side of the wall Is the kitchen And my six-year-old is opening the refrigerator And pouring the beers down the sink While the cop is in the apartment And there's nothing I can do about it Because whether I know this cop or not I'm not stupid I'm going to sit there and continue to feed the baby And just get really pissed and aggravated It's amazing sometimes Somebody that does have some control Can really make you behave yourself That night I went over to my friend's house and we talked for a little bit And I think it took me a couple days before I actually went up And I got my last 24 hour chip Now where I lived at this time was In the beginning I said I was spoiled rotten I did not, I knew what food stamps were Because I worked in a grocery store for my first job I'd seen other people on food stamps I never thought I would be on food stamp I never thought I would be on a medical card, nor would my children. WIC, what is that? The projects, not in 1,000 years. Wrong. The projects in Bowling Green are not that bad. It doesn't matter. It was the projects. And for me, that was pretty humiliating and humbling and anything else because it wasn't where I belonged. and I looked around and I started watching some of these women they did the same thing that I did and I don't know how long they'd been doing it and I didn't want that anymore not for me and I did not want it for my daughter or my new son they deserved better than that and the willingness God, whatever you want to call it spoke. I went in, I got my last 24-hour chip, I hope. I got a sponsor that I love dearly some days. Depends on what day it is. But you know the first question she asked me is, the very first question, what length are you willing to go to to stay sober? And I said anything. Anything you tell me, I didn't know what I was doing when I said that but at that point I was willing to do anything um and I pretty much I did I went to meetings you know she put me immediately to work in the steps um we started service work um used to be able to smoke then um empty an ashtrays which I really didn't ever do before until then um you know all the things in the beginning she had me doing um and they also told me to get in her back pocket. She, Johnny couldn't go anywhere. Um, I knew where not only she lived, I know where she worked. I knew what her cousin lived. I know what her mom and her dad lived. Um so when things started getting bad and we didn't have cell phones then or if they did they weren't in Bowling Green um you know I went to a landline that was it and if I couldn't get her on a land line by God I was all over Bowling Greene trying to find her. Um you know the amazing thing is I was so busy looking for her I didn't have time to think about drinking. I was on a mission and that is to find this woman and I did most days and if I didn' t I just rode around Bowling Green but I didn''t drink. I also when I got sober the way that I dressed in the bars I kind of carried over into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous at first Little Daisy Dukes Shore little halter tops, things like that because I'd get attention and there was one gentleman I hated him every time I'd come in he'd make some snide comment about the way that I was dressed and I'd go whining to Johnny if it walks like a duck and talks like a dog this went on for a little bit and finally we have a sponsorship rally in Kentucky which is just like a small convention and he said something for the last time and I was like you talk to me like that again I am pressing sexual harassment charges against you basically you need to leave me alone there were a little bit of other colorful words in there and he looked at me and he said well it's about done time and my mouth about hit the floor I just was waiting for you to stand up for yourself I really hated him then I really hated him then. But I found Johnny and told on him because he hurt my feelings. And we wound up, I wound up falling in love with him. He was a fabulous man. When I got sober, he had 11 years in recovery. And Greg told me he was going to take me shopping to get me more clothes. So I was like, yay. Because, you know, I needed to dress differently. Okay. I wasn't allowed to buy anything that I liked. If I hated it, I was buying it. That was his rule. Now, that's what I heard. I heard him say he was going to take me shopping. What Greg actually meant was we'll go shopping at the Salvation Army when you get your AFDC check next month. That's basically what he said. So at the beginning of the following month, we went to the Salvation Army. And if I even remotely picked up something that I might know, okay, I put it down and would get something that I hated. Literally, I hated it. But I grew to love him and he almost became like a backup sponsor for me. If I couldn't get a hold of Johnny, I knew that I could call Greg and he was going to be there for me in a heartbeat. During my recovery, the first year, the child that I had, when I had my last drink that night, that first year me and the dad were going to court for child support, I believe. And in In the middle of the court, him or his attorney or, I don't know, his wife, somebody made a comment about going for custody of the child. My first response was, I got to go. I had an attorney. My mom was there. It's time for me to go to a meeting and that's exactly what I did. I left and went to the clubhouse and I went to 12 o'clock meeting and I stayed there. wound up working out. One of the hardest things I had to do was Johnny told me at night when I hit my knees that Blake was not mine. Blake was a gift and he was on loan to me. And I had to hit my knee every night and I had tell God that whatever, wherever he wanted Blake to be it was okay with me. Even if it wasn't because God really doesn't care what I think. needed to put Blake's needs first, not mine. And God saw fit for me to stay the primary caregiver. Needless to say, I was very happy about that decision that God made that day. Yeah, I like that. But, you know, one of the things too that just hit me because I was having a tantrum yesterday and I went into a meeting and they were talking about a bottom Um, and so, you know, I just, I blurted out and, but one of the things that hits me is one of them, that first time I came around, granted, I wasn't coming here to get sober, but I also heard in the rooms people talking about things. So I'm like, well, I haven't had that happen. Well, that hasn't happened. Well, I hadn't done that yet. Well, those were all the yet still waiting out there for me to come. Um, you don't know, no, I hasn't hit anybody and killed them yet. um, you know, I haven't wrecked my car yet. Um, there, I mean, there's just so many yes out there for me. And what Johnny explained to me was I can sit here and I can listen to everybody's bottom, which is the outside consequence. Um. You know, for me, it was going to the projects and getting on food stamps. Well, people that haven't been there and done that, they can't relate to that. So they've automatically found a difference and they can walk out that door. and she explained to me that my bottom is what's going on on the inside I had a big hole and the person that I looked at in the mirror I couldn't stand she wasn't pretty, she was stupid there was just nothing there it was just this big blob it's all that I thought and there have only been two things that I have ever found that have filled that hole and at one point it was alcohol. It filled it for a while. But when the alcohol quit working, I had to have it filled with something else. And that came for me from working the staffs. You know, when I took that third step and I made a decision they told me in the beginning that intentions are followed by intentions and decisions are followedby actions. And once I make a decision in that third stab, that means I have to follow it up with the action. which then means I had to do a fourth step and that was easy for me Johnny told me to write down everybody I was mad at that was not hard you know because a lot of people talk about oh my god the fourth step and Johnny was just don't listen to them just write down everybody you're mad at okay I can do that and I wrote down everybody but she had me do it the way it was in the big book you know but I was having fun until I got to that other column and we're, you know, hey, go home. I'm not selfish. But one of the things that, you know, when I got to do my fifth step with her, and I said that, You know, I had only cried once for the child I gave up for adoption, and the biggest thing that hit me with that fifth step was I always was afraid of being like my dad. It scared me to death. I did not want to die like him, whether it be from Lou Gehrig's or not. I didn't want to die a drunk. I was more like my dad than I thought in a lot of ways. I wasn't an alcoholic, but I also chose alcohol over a child. The one I gave up for adoption. And bottom line, that's what it came down to because if I had kept Andrew, that meant more money for a babysitter. I've got to buy more diapers. He's got to have clothes. you know so and I can't even afford the one I've got and you know now I gotta take care of another I'm thinking not so much so you know there was a lot of selfishness in that and um you know and I got to sit there and cry that with Johnny and I cried that day and it was the first time that I had really cried and I grieved over that loss because it was a loss it was big loss because they told me back then that when I gave him up, I needed to go to counseling because it was like dealing with the death of a child because they're there and then they're not. And, you know, I got this covered. I don't need counseling, thanks. I probably should have taken them up on it. I did my counseling and it worked beautifully for a while. But part of that too, you now, And in doing that, I also got to, you know, I was like my dad, but I wasn't like my dad. I was making a choice to do things different. I was choosing that day to do this sober and I wasnít choosing to take a drink. And thatís a choice that Iím proud of and I think heís proud of. His daughter has made it to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. so in doing that there was also some forgiving of him for all the resentment that I had carried for him giving his daughter up I put the father of that child through Hades I did some so not nice things especially when I was in the bar and I was drunk once I got done with my fifth step Johnny had me, you know, I had to make another decision. And then I had go spend an hour with God. And, you known, I've got my list for my amends. And Johnny told me that, and this was for me. And this was what I found. Johnny told мне that she did not want me to go look for the people that I owed amends to. That God would bring them to me when he felt I was ready. Because if I went and looked for them, I'd screw it up. And I would have. more than likely, and it never would have come out as an amends. I was also told not to say I'm sorry for anything. She told me, she said, I know you're sorry, now everybody wants to know what you're going to do about it. And I was like, okay, well, that's not nice either, but whatever. Now, the gentleman, this man I hadn't seen in forever, and I'm working at this little gas station back alley Kentucky place in the woods and oh that was the name of it what's market and all of a sudden he comes walking in and I haven't seen him in God knows how long I looked at my manager and I said Cindy I need to go make an amends and she was in the program so she knew how important it was that I did it So she was like, go to the bathroom. Go talk to God. I'll hold him while, you know, do whatever. Okay? So I went to the classroom. I pulled him outside and I made my amends. And, you Know, not only was God working in my life, but God had been working in his life too because, see, the person that I was not very nice to and that at one point in time I thought was just fabulous, he wasn't the same person standing in front of me at all. He wasn't the arrogant, self-righteous whatever that I was attracted to many, many years ago. It was just amazing to see the transformation in him and what God was doing in his life. And you know, when that was one of those amends, I'm never going to make, I're going to hate it, and he's going to be mean, and you know it's one of Those horrible amends they talk about. I'll probably get slapped and none of that happened he gave me a hug and told me that he was proud of me and he wished me success and I was like oh that's great that felt good I really did want to go make a bunch of amends and Johnny still wouldn't let me one of the things it came into the 10 and 11 and 12 every day she told me that I did not like this when I got my one year and she gave me my chip, she said it's not about you anymore. It's about the newcomer. I like it when it's about me. See right now it's all about me So I like speaking because it's a good thing because it's about me and it's only time that it really is anymore but she was right and she's told me that and I am to be fit to be of maximum service to God knows about me. And the only way that I can do that is by giving back what's been given to me and suiting up and showing up. I was taught that gratitude is an action word. If I'm grateful for the things God has given me, then I suit up and I show up and I do what's asked of me. And I do that to the best of my ability. I don't do it perfect. I have I was in a relationship for about four or four and a half years in my recovery not a healthy relationship there was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse not just on his end mine too and that was not fun to look at especially when I had to go make amends for we did have a child together and the day I found out that I was pregnant with that child I cried one, I didn't want any more babies I was so done they were just so big and my pregnancies were so hard on me but two, it was also you know, I can't go through this again you know my ex-husband with my daughter he never saw her fighting I had to fight for child support I did not want to go through it again But I also knew that I could not give another child up for adoption. And for me personally, I did not believe in abortion, so my options were very limited at that point in time. He was very happy about it. I wasn't. And that's okay. Today we have a pretty good relationship. He actually is a walking miracle. He really is. He still has some anger issues, but that's OK. He'll work on it. The thing is, is that you know I realized, you know, I kept, I'd kick him out and then I'd bring him back. And then I'd keep him out, and then I would bring him out. And everybody got tired of hearing about it. And you know when Johnny told me, you can be the victim or the volunteer. You lost the victim status a long time ago, now you're volunteering for everything you got. Okay, I didn't like that hearing, I don't like hearing that at all. But she was right. The first time I kicked him out the minute I brought him back in that house I volunteered for every single thing I got from him and everything I gave back. The best conversation that we ever had, ever had was the day I asked him to leave for the last time. I sat down, phone in hand, again God didn't make me stupid ready to call the police because I don't know what's going to happen but I did not bring up anything that he had done the whole time we were together. I kept the focus on me. This is what I did. This is where I was wrong, and I need to make amends for that. And it really was. It was the best conversation we ever had, and God had to be in the middle of it. Had to be. Now, do you remember the one I told you about in the very beginning when he came in about, I don't know what time of day or morning it was? and I thought, I'm going to marry that man. I did. Yeah. He was the one that went to treatment. Yeah. He was one that went to treat me and I went to treatment and I thought it was a really good idea for him. You know, God planted a seed and it got me in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. It doesn't matter how I got here. I got hair. We did get married. We were in Bowling Green I think a year, year and a half And then we moved to Fort Oglethorpe. That was fun. When I got there, they did not know how to do anything in AA. They don't know how to have meetings. This is not just Fort OgLEThorpe, this is Chattanooga. Nowhere in the area do they know how to have meeting. They don�t know how to do service work. They don't how to do anything. And I've got about six and a half years of sobriety at this time. I'm going to meetings, I'm getting mad. I have one guy tell me that he enjoyed it when I came to the meetings because he liked it when i pissed everybody off. I'm not real sure if that's a compliment or not but you know I was raised in Bowling Green. If I was the one that brought up a topic I better be ready for what comes with it from the old timers around the table because I'm about to get slammed with a solution. They didn't like that there. So since they weren't going to do it right, I quit going. I did that for about a year. And slowly but surely things started to die off again. I quit reading the big book. And my sponsor was in Bowling Green because there wasn't anybody there. And eventually I quit talking to God. and right after my eighth year was the first time since I had gotten sober that I wanted to drink that I had this overwhelming I've got to have a drink but thank God for the foundation that I have in Alcoholics Anonymous because at 12 o'clock midnight I called one of the ladies that raised me in the program and from 12 o'.c. at night until 3 o'c. in the morning and we walked through the steps over the phone. And she told me, she said, I'm calling Johnny in the morning. You need to go to a meeting tomorrow. Yes, ma'am. And this woman was much worse than Johnny, and I never would have said no to her either. Love her dearly. Those women saved my life many times. I still didn't like AA. They still didn'T do it right, but I was going. I started sponsoring people again, And I don't think I had done that there until after this experience. There was a young lady that I had met, well actually I didn't meet her at first. My husband had gone to a meeting and she was looking for a sponsor and I stayed at home that night with the kids. And he gave her my number and she called and I was taking a bath but I was talking to her anyway. And we talked for like an hour, and she called me every night for a couple days until we were able to meet. Now there is nothing, and I don't mean this any way, there is something that is extraordinarily special about this young lady. She did what I suggested, and is not any more important than anybody I sponsor. So, after about a year and a half, Gina chose to go back out. And when she went back out, she went out in February of 2004. And in November of 2004, her remains were found. In that July or August, she had been murdered. um i was watching the news this saturday before thanksgiving and um it was on the 11 o'clock news that um a couple who's out walking their dog in the hood i don't understand that part but whatever um they were out walking leur dog and i guess the dog found or the scent whatever um but they were talking about this female's remains being found and um Wednesday I was at work and I'm trying to get everything done because you know we're off for Thanksgiving and the day after and I can't wait to get out of work for you know a four-day weekend um and you know Matt calls and he's like what's Gina's last name and I'M LIKE I DON'T KNOW I got 50,000 things going on and undiagnosed ADD happening and I don't know. And so, you know, he says her last name and I'm like, yeah, that's it. That's it and I was like, oh, she had a meeting and he was like no, we'll talk about it later. No, we won't. No we won' t. You've called me. You need to tell me what's going on. And he didn't. I I did not stay at work the rest of that day. I went in and told my boss what was going on. My boss didn't know I was in the program. Her father died with 30 or 31 years of sobriety, so Tricia was well aware of what the program and sponsorship was about. I don't do well with death, period. So it was really hard for me. I called Johnny. I didn't have a job. I didn' t know what else to do. um she you know did you give her everything that you were given yes ma'am i did okay this is not your fault she placed herself in a position to be harmed you are not responsible you are not responsible okay whatever um so what i did for the next eight months was i made jewelry that was how i dealt with her death i didn't know what else to do and i never thought that i would ever know somebody that was ever killed like this um and with gina what has happened is you know after about eight months of work making jewelry you look down one day and you got a lot you just do you know i go to work i come home i might take care of the kids i might not i don't know um you know they're getting older they can even fend for themselves now and you know I just sit there in my little world and make my jewelry and you know so I look down one day and then Jen one of my friends at work is like well I'll start buying some so next thing you know I've got this little jewelry side business going on and I've named it after Gina it's Gina's jewelry and her story is even in there and it's really important to me again not because Gina's she is special to me but these are the things that happen if we pick up But Gina showed me what's still out there for me. If I choose to pick up again, this past year, five minutes, try to make it quick, it was a year in June, the gentleman that has given me a lot of grief over the way that I dressed in the beginning when I got to AHA, I got a phone call one day Greg had 23 years and he went back out guess what happened to him he put himself in his Corvette in his garage, blanketed up the whole garage and he killed himself people that raised me in this program that was a hard one, Greg raised me him and Johnny taught me what to do And this man did the exact opposite. And he showed me again. He taught me another lesson. If I don't do what he taught me to do and what Johnny taught me to do, this is what's out there for me. This is what out there there for me. I understand people that commit suicide, but once you've been in this program, I don' care how bad it is, I have a hard concept with that. And I loved him dearly, so that probably makes it a little bit more difficult in trying to understand that. I have, however, had some beautiful experiences. And Polly P. calls, she talks about great events. And as sad as that sounds, those things are great events because what's happened is I've had to walk through them and I've had to depend on the people in Alcoholics Anonymous and on my higher power to get me through it. And I've come out on the other side, sober. And I'd been able to pass it on to somebody else. And if not yet, then somebody down the road will have that experience. I hope nobody has the experience that I went through with Gina. You know, I was looking for a long time because I wanted somebody to understand how I felt, you know, because the person that killed her, I do need to say this, he hasn't been caught you know there is no closure I don't know if there ever will be but the other great events are when I was early in the program Tim Miller died with 3 years of sobriety he had cancer I watched him go to chemotherapy to radiation and then come to an AA meeting and share his experience, strength, and hope. I got to watch this. Charlie died last year. Charlie Green died, and he had over 23 or 24 years of recovery. It was somebody else that raised me in Bowling Green, and he died sober. Those are my heroes in AA, and they didn't even know they were my heroes. Actually, I didn't either until I stuck around for a while, and I figured it out, and I've learned that. You know, I don't put anybody up on a pedestal because nobody's going to be able to beat you. They can't. They cannot do it. They fall every time. I mean, we all do. And I don'T think that'S what God wants me to do. But those are the people that are my heroes because I know it can be done. I'm almost done I recently changed sponsors part of the problem I was having in Chattanooga was there weren't a lot of women that are in the fellowship and in recovery I found one she showed up, she's been in Chettanooga but for a while she was in and out this is more bragging than anything um she's got like you know 34 years of recovery and um we were talking one day and um and i'm getting to know her just a little bit i think she's been my sponsor for four months and you know she told me and i love it she said you know as long as i stay in the middle i can't fall off the bed so if i stay In the Middle of Alcoholics Anonymous I Can't Fall Off the Bed and I stumped her the other day my grand sponsor has 41 years of recovery and was sober when Bill W. was around, is that not wild I was just blown away by that but I asked Raina something and Raina had to call Tommy and ask Tommy and I'm going man this is cool I have stumped somebody with 34 years this is awesome I was really proud of myself But, you know I cannot There are no words to describe what this program has given me There just aren't You can look through a dictionary and you're not going to find them One of the things that I love is Johnny always told me I'm not even halfway through I started doing this a little while ago I've got my glasses. This will be fun. I might change the words on y'all, I don't know. We'll see. There we go. Okay. This is from page 164, A Vision for You. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past and give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the fellowship of the Spirit and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then. Thank you all very much.