Chris R. – Spiritual Malady – The Third Step Prayer and Vigorous Action – 2005

Look at all the every scurrying. Those are the same people that like boxing. You like somebody else to get their asses whipped and you get to watch. That's good. My name is Chris R.. I'm a very grateful, recovered alcoholic. I am. I am delighted to be here. I. Oh, my gosh. You know, so many things in my head. I. I speak around a lot. A lot of y'all got CDs and stuff with places I've spoken. And. Myers and Alicia, both. We all get to travel a bunch and get to most of these places where we speak. You know, we can't wait to get out of there. You know, I got to tell you, you know, because it's like swimming upstream. You're you're talking about the solution and you've got a bunch of people out there that are not anywhere close to the same page. And they're all taking exception and you dread the breaks and you want to go out and smoke. But you don't want to go out and smoke because, you know, you're going to get your ass whipped out there. And, you know, you go in the bathroom and somebody taps you on the shoulder. You know, you've got a minute and it's like, oh, shit, here we go. You know. And my hands are kind of full right now, but I'll. And you know what it's going to be. You know, they want to take a shot at you. You know, well, I think, you know, I think you're a bit. I think you're a bit. It's like coming into this fellowship this last few days. It sounds like I'm patronizing. It's if you can't sit in these rooms like we have the last couple of days and listen to the sharing that's been going on and not be affected, not be. The the cool part of us all being on the same page, heading pretty much in the same direction. It's what am I trying to say? Thanks for your hospitality. Thanks for your kindness. Y'all are amazing people. You talk kind of funny, but you are amazing. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. Y'all don't mind if I get rid of this, do you? Okay. Would it matter if you said yes? Cheers. I. I'm a mad dog. You know, I. I drank like a mad dog. I did dope like a mad dog. I. I. I had a reason for everything I did. And an excuse for everything I did. And, um, you know, I come into the fellowship and I got sponsored after playing with this for seven years. I finally landed in a room of big book thumpers and I got sponsored in pretty strongly. And, and, uh, I only know one way to do this program. And I know this, everybody's not on the same page. And I, I, if, if there's one little thread that we've all talked about is that the heat that some of y'all are taking in your meetings for, for carrying the message of hope back in and, and bringing your big books. And talking, you know, one of my, my first sponsor was actually a, uh, just a friend of ours in, in the fellowship. And he said, Chris, it's perfectly okay to be excited about recovery. You know, this guy set me free. He, he gave me permission to get excited about recovery. I mean, we, we've got a fatal illness that's killing us, right? But we all want to go in and this guy's of humility and, you know, humbleness, you know, we're going to share very quietly and meekly. And, you know, I don't know, I don't want to offend anybody, but, you know, buddy, all I'm here to do is share my experience. And my experience is my experience. I can't change it. You know, a lot of you guys have heard my CDs. I'd like to change my story so I can give you something new, but you know, it's just my experience, you know, and my experience may be different than your experience. I know there's people that come into some of these middle of the road meetings and they appreciate the loving sharing that they hear and the honesty. And, and I was so moved and I've been sober ever since. And, you know, if that's your experience. Buddy, welcome. How cool is that? That was not my experience. You know, we all come from a little different path, you know, and I mean, I needed something with a little more meat to it than that. You know, I, I, Jesus. I don't want to offend anybody. I know everybody's, well, go get them, Chris, piss them off. And that's, that's no, because I got to sleep at night. And I'm. No, you know, yesterday somebody came up and took exception with this recovered bit. You know, Chris, well, you know, it's, it's, you know, doesn't that set up separate us from other people when we introduce ourselves as recovered alcoholics? And it's like, you know, I got a little quick with him and I apologize for that. It's like, I get so tired. There's just so, there's a few things that are always controversial. No matter where you are, what country you're in, it's controversial. Introducing yourself as a recovered alcoholic is controversial. That's what the book tells me to do. But. That's controversial. Why? I got a friend in Houston that says, Chris, you know, it's a pisser that we have to feel out of place in our own fellowship. The book is the, is the program. There's the fellowship. And the program. If you can get sober just in the fellowship. How cool for you. How cool for you. No, it's good. I'm not, I'm not going to take a shot at you. Great. It's good for you. I mean, everybody thinks if you don't do it our way, then you're wrong. Buddy, if you're sober and you're happy, that's great. My experience is sitting around this fellowship for 18 years, watching so many people dry one stupid day at a time, miserable. And they think that that's okay. And I'm. I'm here. My sponsor says it all. But I smell more. If I have to just not drink one day at a time and think that that's what this is about, I've missed the boat. There's so much more. This is the wonderful speaker we had this morning. You know, bless her heart. She's dead on. There's. There's more. I've watched people years in my story will attest to it. Miserable. The further I get away from a drink, the worse I get. And unless there is the spiritual. Experience, I'm going to come apart at the seams. I don't. It's not okay to sit in these rooms and be miserable. It's. It's. And that's what I did all my life. I set on the periphery and watched life happen and then pissed and moaned because it didn't go my way. You know, and what this fellowship has allowed me to do is get dead center in the middle of this thing called life, and I get a chance to start doing the cool things that I always wanted to go do. And I want that for everybody. And I stand up from podiums and I pull people with a vision and I explain to them how this can work and happen in their own life. I don't know where God's taking this room. I don't know where Alicia said it yesterday. How many lives are going to be changed by the people sitting in this room that have the guts to stand up and say what needs to be said in some of our meetings? I'm not saying, guys, I don't want to paint a picture and I don't I think I can speak for Myers and Alicia both. I don't think any of us want you guys to go out there and get bloodied in a meeting. If they want to do it their damn chicken shit way, let them do it. If they want to stay sober on slogans, rock and roll. But I needed something a little bit more. I needed something a little bit more than just the fellowship. I needed a program that was going to fix me. I needed a program that was going to change me at a cellular level so that I could start enjoying this world. We think this is some kind of a freaking dress rehearsal or something. You know, I didn't get sober till I was 35 years old. I know I hear people all the time, you know, we shouldn't regret the past or, you know, wish to shut the door on it. I got to tell you, folks, I had 20 years of drinking and drugging and I wish to hell I had those years back because I pissed off a lot of time. I wasted a lot of time. There's an urgency about me and there's urge. I don't know. We do this thing called life one day at a time. That's what the book says. And I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where I'm going to be tomorrow. I don't know. I want to squeeze everything I can out of this business. And I don't want to have to fight this stupid disease to get there. You can recover. You can recover from alcoholism and drug addiction. Treatment centers are the ones that started that crap. We'll always be recovering. They were. They did. That's a fact. Why? It's better for business. I want you to get OK, but not too OK. I may need your money later. In a vision for you in the back of the book, Bill Wilson is talking to Dr. Bob and I've I've started a lot of talks. I'm going to talk about this because it is so appropriate. It says, you know, Dr. Bob had a pretty good understanding. He knew his ass was on fire. He knew he was in trouble with the alcohol. But he said, but he didn't really understand what it meant to be alcoholic. There's a big difference between being a problem drinker and somebody suffering from a genetically predisposed disease called alcoholism. And unless you're convinced that you are dying of this disease, you're not going to do the work. And it's so easy. You know, I've been in the business for a long time. You know, my first AA meeting in the early 80s, I went in and they said, Chris, do you have a problem with alcohol? And I said, yes, I got a half quart of beer in my pickup truck floor. You know, yeah, you know, yeah. Welcome. Sat down. Well, shit, that's it. No, that's pretty cool because that's what we hear in treatment. That's what we hear in our meetings. The first step is the admission of being an alcoholic. You admit you're an alcoholic. You're you're it's you're there. And that's not my experience. We we have a treatment center. There'll be 100 patients in this auditorium and we'll be talking to the patients and doing big book. At least she works with me at the hospital and we'll get a chance. And I ask him, how many of y'all think you're alcoholic? All the hands are up. Well, so we also do follow up calls on the patients after they leave treatment. So we know how many of those buckaroos are going to fall flat on their ass. The first couple of weeks they're out of treatment. Fifty percent within 30 days. Fifty percent will be drunk. But they're the same people that raise their hand. Oh, I'm an alcoholic. They're liars. They're liars. They do not believe they're alcoholic. They'll readily admit they got a problem. They will not admit that they are an alcoholic. They will not concede to their innermost self that they have a disease. They will not concede that they are truly powerless over this substance. Because the ones that finally concede, they get sober and never look back. And that's the coolest. It's the toughest piece. Bill Wilson spends. Fifty of the. First hundred and sixty four pages explaining what the first step is about. And if there's a mistake that we make in our fellowship today is that we do not focus on the first step enough. We do not qualify the newcomer. We get them in here and we think our job's done. No. Now we have to teach them what this disease is about. Alcoholism and drug addiction is not causal. The speaker this morning so so beautifully pointed that out. It is not caused by external circumstances. Those external circumstances can exacerbate. The problem that can make it worse. It does not cause it. That is a fact. If you're sitting in here holding on to some piece of drama and you believe that's what caused you to be an alcoholic. You are wrong. We call it in the States. We call it a trump card because that's what you'll continue to throw down to the day you die for the reason that you can't stay sober. Let me tell you a little bit about. We grew up down in the hill country. Myers and I did. Dad was an alcoholic and drank a bit. He was a periodic and nicest man you'd ever want to meet. And he's passed away now. Alcoholism killed him. And I've got a little sister and a half sister. Beautiful people. They were not alcoholic. They've never had a problem with alcohol. We were sitting with Thanksgiving dinner a couple of weeks ago in Texas. And, you know, I'm not a big fan of alcohol. I'm not a big fan of alcohol. I'm not a big fan of alcohol. I'm not a big fan of alcohol. You know, they had the same mimosa thing and, you know, a little champagne and orange juice and tears, you know, and everybody was drinking. My mother still, 18 years sober, she still says, will this bother you if I do this, if we drink a little? Yes, Mom, it might trigger me. If I never heard that ridiculous term again, it'll be too soon for me. Ooh, triggers. It's another treatment center crap. Little sister took a little sip, drank, sat it down, walked away. That was it. She freaks me out. We laugh about it all the time. That's alcohol abuse right there, buddy. Suck it up, baby. It's free, hon. I don't know what to tell you. I've seen her. I was, Myers and I were squashed at her wedding. Lisa, did you know the drinks are free here? It's her wedding, you know. Yeah, I know it. She said, you want another one? She says, no, I'm already starting to feel it. No shit. So am I. You want another drink? She's not like me. She's different than me. Everybody wants, oh, jeez. Alcoholism. Alcoholism. Alcoholism is a phenomenon called craving coupled with a mental obsession. And underlying it all is this thing called a spiritual malady. This internal discomfort that I feel constantly until I get alcohol in my body. I never touched a drink until I was about 17 years old. Thank God somebody finally showed me alcohol. Because I was coming apart at the seams. Hated school. Hated who I was. Hated everything. 17 years old, Boone's Farm. Do they have Boone's Farm in England? Boone's Farm Apple Wine? It's crap. It's just the cheap wine. It's just, it's just, it's like hummingbird juice with alcohol in it. It's terrible. But it'll get you real loaded. And somebody handed me a bottle and I drank a little bit like that. And the guy said, that's too, that's nasty stuff. And I said, yeah, it tastes pretty bad. And he says, I don't want any more. And it's starting to hit my bloodstream. And I said, let me get this straight. You don't want any more of this bottle now. You're telling me because I already knew I was going to drink it. And I, and I did. And I went back home. I went back home that night and felt comfortable for the first time in my adult life. People don't understand that. Alcohol gets me right. Everybody, family members come to our treatment center and they, they just think we're partying too damn much. We've got to keep them away from those kids. We've got to stop. They've got to stop listening to that rock and roll music. That's what's causing all this. And I said, buddy, you don't understand. You missed it. I don't drink to get drunk. I drink to get right. And when alcohol was working. It was working for me. It were good. It was very good. I can't stand people that think it's this devil stuff. It was good. There's a thing called progression. Some of you, we, we, after yesterday's talk, you know, we had some, some controversy about that. There's a thing called progression in alcoholism. I didn't start drinking and blacking out. I started drinking. And I had a long period of time when alcohol worked for me when I was what we would call in some, like some of you, a functioning alcoholic. I was not going to jail. I was not doing crazy things. It was allowing me to date. If it had not been alcohol, I never would have gotten laid. That's a fact. No, no, but it's progressively got worse. The problems start to pile up. But I realize now at a certain point, you know, I, I can't do without it. And now I need, I need a drink to go wash clothes. You know, I need a drink to go to the grocery store. I need a drink to call that girl on the phone. You know, just something to get me comfortable in my skin. And, and that's what we do. And, and when the, the craving is satisfied with one or two drinks or half, I don't know. Half a bottle or we're okay. But when the craving ceases to be satisfied with that amount of alcohol, and now we have to drink huge quantities of it to get to that happy spot, we're in trouble folks. And it's a tough place to be. I was in the food business and I was traveling around a lot and, uh, it was pretty successful. And, uh, um, my external world started to look pretty good, started to make a little money, but my internal world started to fall apart at the seams. And this depression started to kick. My butt. And I started, uh, seeing a therapist, a counselor early on about the mid seventies. I was seeing a counselor trying to talk to him about this, this stuff. And I, uh, please. And again, any of y'all have heard my CDs and stuff. I, I, I make special points to do this. Therapy is wonderful. And I benefited from every bit of it. I was in therapy on and off for 10 years and I, and I, I love, I have a special place in my heart for therapists, but therapists can't treat alcoholism. My book. Says only a spiritual experience can treat alcoholism. And if there's any therapists in here that think that you're treating alcoholism, uh, you're going to be so disappointed. I, uh, the therapist started, uh, uh, treating me with antidepressants and that helped for a while, but it didn't solve the problem. Spiritual malady cannot be treated by it with a pill. And, um, uh, we're dealing, they all believe that they, of course, every therapist I went to, he says, oh, well, you've been misdiagnosed by the. Last therapist, what you have here is an anxiety disorder. Here's another pill. All right. So now I'm taking an antidepressant and an anxiety pill. Oh, you were misdiagnosed your ADD. What you need here is that, you know, and then I'm, I'm bouncing. And here's another pill and here's another pill. And here's another, some of y'all are nodding your head. Cause you know, exactly every therapist you go through, you just like, oh, you've been misdiagnosed. Why don't you all get on the same page here? You know, cause I got the same symptoms. I hate my life. Same symptom. I don't like who I am. And we'd sit on the couch and we'd talk about everything under the sun. And y'all heard me a thousand times. We talked about everything, everything. We talked about being an identical twin and, and. Contrary to what Myers said yesterday, I am the good twin. I know the patch kind of freaked some of y'all out, but I. Deep down. Inside, I have a heart of gold and, um, Jesus, and we just, I'm freaked out and we're, we're talking about growing up in the country and, and that sheep and we're, we're, we're talking, we talked about the war and we talked about the, we just, the problems and how we talked a lot about mama to this day. I, I'm embarrassed to be around my mom sometimes cause I've talked about her so much, you know, and it's frustrating that always inevitably with any good therapist. We talk about her so much. We talk about her so much. We talked about my sexuality and I, I, it's just, there was a, a common thread that homosexuality runs in identical twins and that, and so we believe that maybe my drinking had something to do with the fact that I was gay and I'm not, but I, but I really wanted to be, you know, I mean, y'all got to hear me. If I could pinpoint, all of y'all have experienced this. If I could just pinpoint what it is that's causing me to drink so much, what it is to cause my life to be such a, a shamble, then, then I could fix that. You know, it's the idea that if we can get all of our little ducks in a row, everything will be okay. And that's all those figures that we've heard this weekend have alluded to it. If I could just get the wife and the car and the house and the job and have everything lying down, everything perfect. Then I wouldn't be a homosexual. Then I wouldn't be a homosexual. Then I wouldn't be a homosexual. Then I wouldn't have all this pressure in my life and I wouldn't have to drink so much. You with us? And it is an absolute illusion. I, again, the earlier morning speakers hit on it so succinctly. If you believe that organizing your outside world is somehow going to fix what's wrong with you inside, you're chasing the wrong picture here. And we have an industry in the treatment center field that believes that that is the cause. That's why so many treatment centers crack. Treatment is a great place to discover what's wrong with you. But it will not get you sober. Treatment centers crank out dry individuals, well-detoxed people. It will not allow us to recover. That's what the 12 steps were about. It's so frustrating for family members because they believe that they could just behave a little bit better or give the patient everything that they want, that they can get well. And that is just not my... That is not my experience. Because, folks, in the 20 years I was drinking, I had times when I had everything I ever wanted. And I was still miserable. We've done this every time I've ever spoken. How many of you guys drank a drug when everything was going great in your life? All the hands up. Let the record show. How many of you drank a drug when everything was crap in your life? Oh, all the hands are up. Everything goes. You see what we're doing? Great relationship. Crappy relationship. Good job. Crappy job. It's the same. It's the same. And that's what... It drives me crazy about the triggers in treatment. It's like, guys, when did I not drink? What does not trigger me? Jeez, girls. Boy, you're screwed. What are you going to do? You know? Music? Daylight? Dark? Absolute rubbish. I got into a little domestic disturbance and ended up with a little inexpensive therapist in Denton, Texas. And she looked at all the stuff that was wrong with me. I was telling her everything was wrong and all the medications I was taking. And she said, Chris, I don't know about all that. She says, from looking at you and talking to you for a few minutes, it's obvious to me you're a drunk. And I was quite offended. I don't mind. I'm mentally ill. But being a drunk, that's my dad. You know? And I don't want to... It's not cool. And she says, I suggest you go to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I did. And I had a marriage that, again, it was cracking up. And I had a catering business that was going down the toilet. And I'm just sick and tired of living the way I'm living. And I went to AA. And this is my experience. And it's not like some of y'all's experience. But I started going. And again, I went to my first meeting. And they asked me if I was an alcoholic. And I said, yes. And they said, welcome. And that was it. And they went around the room. And they shared a bunch of damn war stories with me. The persons that like to share their experience, strength, and hope. Let's chat. If you're sharing your experience to find some similarities, I'm with you. If you're sharing your experience trying to scare me into recovery, shut up. Because the book is crystal clear. I will not remember the consequences of it even a week or a month ago. When the mental obsession kicks in again, I'll pick up a drink. Book says, you will not remember the consequences. You won't even remember your own consequences. What makes you think I'm going to remember yours? You cannot. You cannot scare somebody into recovery. I got so sick of listening to war stories, I could puke. Because at the time, folks, remember, I'm a functioning alcoholic. I had a lot of stuff going on in my life. And it's not like some of you losers. Oh, I had a DWI. I'm sitting there going, oh, man, that must have been terrible. I've never had a DWI. Check. Oh, I beat my wife. I've never done that. I piss my pants. Excuse me. Check, check. I've never done that. It dawns on me every time we do this. And I'm in and out. I go to a lot of first step meetings because I'm always in the first step. I'm relapsing constantly. I come back in to pick up a chip. And I go back in and that's the first thing they want to do. Tell us how you got here. And I get to hear all your stupid stories one more time. But I can't identify. I know your heart's in the right place. It's exactly what Myers said. There was nobody in those rooms trying to hurt me. But they were going about it the wrong way. Because my drama was not matching up with yours. And when I see it nonstop in our fellowship today. You have to lose it all before you can. Rubbish. Rubbish. Been to prison. Was hooking on the street. I was doing this. I was doing that. This is great from the podium. But in a meeting. It has no place. When we finished with the war stories. We started with a freaking junior therapy sessions. Who's got the problem? Oh, shit. Pick me. I got the problem. I got the problem. Yes, Johnny. What's the problem? Oh, she's leaving again. I know she's leaving. I know she's she's cheating on me. Oh, let's talk about that. And so we'll talk about insecurities. And let's talk about relationships. And let's talk about this. And let's I'm I'm dying. I can't stop drinking. It's really affecting my life. You know, I'm I'm suffering from a thing called a spiritual malady. I am irritable, restless and discontent. The thought of suicide is on a daily constant thought with me. I am having trouble in personal relationships. The tension level is rising in me like you would not believe. I have this low self-esteem. I feel like crap. I just. I'm always. I'm always either better than you or worse than you. You know, I never can be right in them. Just brothers and sisters. You know, I'm just and I fluctuate between the two. I have this low self-esteem. I have this feeling of uselessness like the book talks about on page 52. And I just don't like who I am. Only time I like who I am is when I've got a couple of belts in me. But we're not going to get around to talking about that because we're too busy trying to fix your your day. Alcoholics Anonymous is not therapy. Alcoholics Anonymous is a spiritual program of action. We read it yesterday. It's our primary. We are a spiritual entity. Our job in Alcoholics Anonymous is to get the newcomer connected to God so that God can remove that obsession to drink. That's our primary purpose. It is not to fix your day. Do you realize how arrogant that is? For me to sit here and think that I can fix. What's wrong with you? I don't have. I've never walked a day in your shoes. But I think with no education at all that I can sit down and counsel you on what to do. Just freaks me out. You want to walk into a room of the recovering alcoholics and ask, can you help me with my relationships? Yeah, we probably got about 500 marriages. And everybody want to talk about something they have no experience with. You know, well, this is what I think you should do. Why don't you shut up? We've been given the primary purpose. We can do one thing and one thing well, because we've lived through it. We've we've walked through the fire. We've come out the other side. I can help you with that. But we never get a chance to do it because we're too busy trying to fix you again. Treatment centers caused a lot of this problem because we would go to process groups and the hospitals would say, go back into the meetings and just share. If you're having a bad day, share. Buddy, if you're having a bad day, share. Just not. In my meeting. Come before the meeting. Stay after the meeting. Let's sit and visit. Let's let's go to Denny's. Let's talk about it. But in my meeting, let's talk about the power of God. In my meeting, let's talk about hope. The book is crystal clear, folks. It says point blank. When the alcoholic begins to depend on the group for his health, we're doing him a disservice. Because he stops placing dependence on God and starts putting it on the group. That's what the book says. That's why so many people don't want to pick up the pick up. The tools have been given us and help sponsor people because they what happens if he has a problem and I don't know what to do. You don't have to know what to do. All you have to know what to do is how to get him connected to God. God knows what to do. Been my experience. Couldn't get sober. I know some of you. My city came to AA and loved it from the very beginning. I came to AA and aided it from the beginning. Seven years in and out of the fellowship. I love your camaraderie. I love the fellowship. The buds. I could not stay in the meetings. Could not because I can't stay sober and you knew knuckleheads are staying sober, but I can't stay sober. And I've got the old come up. This is Chris. Here's the problem. You're drinking between meetings. You're drinking between meetings. As evidenced by the thousands of desire chips you're picking up. So what you need to do is go to meetings and just not drink between and you'll put some sobriety together. But you see, you might be able to do that because you might not even be a real alcoholic. But I can't do that. The further away I get from a drink. My M.O. is so simple. It's not even funny. About two weeks away from a drink. I come apart at the seams. The attention level, the depression, the boredom, this low self-esteem. The voices come back and I and I go nuts. And my little, I'll be driving down the road. My little head. Boy, it's pretty good. It's over two weeks. This is, I can do this. This little thought. You could probably smoke a joint. Yeah, that's the ticket. Pot. Don't like pot. Makes me horny and paranoid all at the same time. Terrible. But you don't have a problem with pot. You got a problem with beer. So I go drink. I go smoke a joint. Physical allergy gets triggered again. And I go back. It's called cross addiction. And I go. I go back to the alcohol. Done it a thousand times. Get off the cocaine. Drink. Go back to the cocaine. Get off the cocaine. Do methamphetamine. Go back to the cocaine. Go back to the alcohol. Something. Go. The pills. Some. I had watched thousands of alcoholics relapse around a prescription pad. They go to the doctor. They're not working the steps. They're irritable, restless and discontent. The spiritual. Malady has not been treated. Doctor. I'm having trouble. I'm the depressions back. Well, let me write you this. He looks up over his little glasses and says, you're having trouble sleeping, too, aren't you? How did you know? I can fix that bucko. Stick, stick a little barbiturate on the ass end of that pill. Oh, there you go. You know, you take it. Sleep like a king. Get up the next morning. I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty. Back to the alcohol. Damnedest thing. Just lost a real good friend of ours in Phoenix. Some of us that knew him in a sister fellowship of cocaine anonymous. Fifteen, sixteen years sober. Died around those medications. A pill is never the answer. Action is the answer. 1987. I'm working for my brother. Thank God for family. I have spent some time eating out of dumpsters in Houston, Texas. I have. Spent time in a marriage that I absolutely hated with a wonderful woman, but it just was wrong. I'm living in people's apartments and on people's couches, and I finally get to come live with my brother. I'm an accredited chef and could work in the industry, but I can't work in the industry because I can't stay sober. He's got a book bindery in Louisville, and I got a chance to go work with him. I return the compliments he gave me yesterday if it hadn't been for him. I. I'd have been dead. Even the fucked up by is bleeding. Sorry. See, I didn't want to get there. I didn't want to get to this place. I mean, I didn't want to get to this place. I didn't want to get to this place. I mean, it's not like I'm looking at my life and I'm just like, how did I how did things get so screwed up? Voices are driving me crazy. I can't sleep. I am overweight. I got organs that are shutting down. I am in I am in terrible shape physically, and I I can't make decisions. The book says our problems pile up on us and they become astonishingly difficult to solve. And it wasn't like I had a bunch of legal problems coming down. It was just little stuff. Like, like, what what T-shirt to wear, you know, I have four of them in the closet is like, which one? Oh, gee. And it just I just into it. I turn left. I go to work. I turn right. I go to my apartment. I can't figure out which way to turn. Cars are honking behind me and I can't make a decision. I'm the little things are piling up and I can't I don't know. I just drove home from work one night after a long day at work. And we got off at three and went to the store and bought a 12 pack of beer and went home, picked up a stack of return checks, cold November night, and went up to my little apartment and sat on the floor and opened the return checks. I had some furniture one time, but my cocaine dealer had it on loan and lived in the apartment complex where I lived and I just was done. I don't know. It was nothing. Um, just done. I had done therapy. I've done the church. I've done I've done outpatient. I've done everything I could possibly do and nothing was working. And I just was, you know, when you tell your family that you're going to get sober and you tell your employer that you're going to get sober and you let them down a couple of times, it's kind of disillusioning. You do that for about a 20 year period and it is absolutely disgusting. I hated who I was. I. It wasn't about you anymore. It was just me. I'm selfish to the core and I made up a quick decision. It's time to go. It's time to go home. It's time to check out. And I went to the medicine cabinet, got a bottle of pills and just washed them down with some black label. Those pills hit my gut and immediately I heard a voice that said very clearly in my head in the room, don't do this. Go back to AA. And I looked, I was standing in front of the medicine cabinet when then I looked up there. I don't know where the voice came from. It freaked me. I heard it one more time. It says, I'm not going back to AA. All they do in AA is tell war stories and piss and moan about their messed up day. And I'm having a plenty good messed up day myself. I don't need anybody else to share theirs with me. Chris, don't do this. Go back to AA. Heard the voice about three times that night. I have people arguing with me. Chris, you didn't really hear a voice, did you? I heard a voice that said, Chris, don't do this. Go back to AA. I made myself sick. It scared me to death. I made myself sick. It laid down in bed. Went to sleep. Passed out. Woke up the next morning. I heard the voice one more time. Don't do this. Go back to AA. I called a doctor that Myers and I knew. Got some doggy downers to detox. And I went to work. I had to work. That was Friday the 13th, 1987. It's 6 o'clock that night. I walked in the back door of an AA meeting. I'd never been to before. It was the one that Myers got sober into at the time. And I walked in and they were all carrying big books. I remember walking in and going, oh man, I screwed up here, buddy. Because I want to get well, but I don't want any of this big book fanaticism. You know, this little old girl got between me and the door because she saw me backing back out. She got me a cup of coffee and grabbed her finger in my belt loop. 19-year-old girl. Been sober about a year. Slugged me down in a little chair. Sit down, cowboy. You ain't going nowhere. And that's the courage of this girl. I mean, I had a big, full beard and dirty hair. And the patch was perpetually crooked. Looked like I had an earmuff on half the time. Pretty unwholesome. And they went around the room. The chairperson had seen me up in North Texas for years picking up chips. And he said, God, Chris has heard all the war stories he wants to hear. Let's share some hope with this old boy. Let's share some miracles that have happened to us. As a result. As a result of working the 12 steps. Oh, this is going to be good. And they did. And they went around the room. There was about 30 people in that room. And they went around and everybody was smoking cigarettes and laughing. And they started sharing miracles with me that had happened to them as a result of working the 12 steps. Getting their credit cards back. Getting married. Starting businesses. Doing all the cool things that I didn't think I could ever have. They had my interest. At the end, they asked if anybody wanted a desire chip. And I picked up another chip. And there was an old geezer came up after the meeting. And he walked up and he said, Chris, are you done? Are you finished now? Are you really going to make a good shot at this? And I had just enough knowledge of being around the fellowship for so many years. I said, well, you know, one day at a time. He said, yeah, that's what I thought. And he got his coffee and he left the room. I followed after him. I said, buddy. Hey. Don't remember me? I'm the most important person here. You know, I'm the newcomer. He says, you're not a newcomer. You've been around for seven years. You know what this is about. And you're still dropping little one liners trying to get out of doing any work. My book asked me to ask you point blank. Are you done? I live life one day at a time, folks. And he explained that to me. But that's how we do this. We we seek the power of God on a daily basis. That's how we do this. But you it starts with. Commitment. And I'm qualifying you. Are you finished? And I said, yes. And he hugged my neck and sat me down in the chair and opened the book. And he showed me in the book on page 24 where I had lost the power of choice and drink. He explained to me how I was powerless over out for the first time in seven years. Somebody sat down, took time with me not to blow some little one lighter up my ass, but to tell me the truth. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. I want to. You. And he told me he told me what the story was. And for the first time, I had an inkling of what was wrong with me. And I had a pit, a pain in the pit of my stomach when the when the truth finally hit my psyche that that I was screwed with without the spiritual experience that I was truly suffering from alcoholism. That was my bottom. Folks, it was not the dumpster. It was not the VWI. It was not the girl leaving it that we sit in these meetings. All we want to talk about is the stupid drama. Don't you all understand? You could always go lower. I'll never drink again. I'm going to prison if I drink again. You pack. He explained to me that night that spiritual malady. Treated alcoholism and the unmanageability it talks about in the first step is all the same thing. The unmanageability has got nothing to do with my life. And a lot of you guys believe it is. Go into a meeting tonight and say, I got a topic. Let's talk about unmanageability. And the first thing everybody will do is start talking about the drama in their life. The bills, the woman, the sickness, the whatever, whatever they want. They want to talk about the external world. The unmanageability is all internal. The perception. The perception that the wonderful speaker this morning was talking about is skewed. I'm seeing it through unfocused eyes. It always looks grim to me. He said, Chris, when you have the spiritual experience, this will all shift for you. And you'll start looking at the world differently. I went home that night and the next morning, honest to God. There was a knock on my door and the little guy said, are you ready to go to a meeting? Because I'm detoxing, folks. I'm coming off these pills and this alcohol and I'm coming. I am not well. And he said, let's go. And I said, buddy, you know, I'll make that meeting tonight. I just don't fit. Let's go. You can be sick in the club just as easy as you can be sick here. We went down, went to a 10 o'clock meeting. Afterwards, we got in the back room and the same old geezer. He was in there and there was about four of us. And we got on it. We chased the Alamons out of the room because there's only quite a place we could get. And we got on our knees and did a third step prayer. They explained the prayer before. He says, Chris, this prayer tells us that God's going to remove our difficulties so that victory over those difficulties can bear witness to God's power. It means that we all know you've got a lot of problems. We all have problems, too. But those problems are going to be solved for you. You buy this power and then you get a chance to bear witness to that miracle. It's our marching orders to go back into meetings, folks, and talk about the power of God instead of trying to play little junior therapists. That's what they did in the olden days, folks. They had pep rallies. They got together. They studied the literature. They talked about the power of God. That's why our success rates were so great back then. And they suck. Today. Did a third step prayer. No burning bush. Jesus didn't walk through the back door. We went and got some Mexican food and came back. And I'm fixing to go home. And the guy says, hang on a second. We want to show you how to get started on this fourth step. And they dropped a notebook down on the table and said, let's get started. My first sponsor, Don, let's get started. I've been around this fellowship long enough to know, buddy, you don't do a fourth step. Fourth step. First day in back in a two days in detoxing. He said, yeah, you do. Let's go. Book says after the third step prayer, we launched that on course of vigorous action, which was house cleaning. Let's get started. You're not writing a freaking novel here, Chris. What we want you to do is we want you to list the resentments, the people you're pissed at. We're going to look at the number of fears you got. We're going to look at your behavior towards the opposite sex. You can write this down. We'll show you. You've been through this before. So it's really quite simple. It's still to this day. Freaks me out. I can bet you a dollar. We've got people in this room right now that I'm still working on a four step. How long have you been working on that four step? Oh, about six months now. You're not working on shit. Work is sitting down with a pencil and paper, writing it down. That's work. You're just talking about it. Finish it. I would rather see you get the biggest ten resentments you've got. Get them on paper. Dump it in the fifth step. And let's get on down the road so you can see your truth. Than to sit there and write this novelette. My life. I'm writing all my life story. Who cares? I know it's fascinating to you. Walk down memory lane. Look how many people you screwed over. How fascinating. Just rubbish. Started writing that stuff down. Two weeks later, I've got a completed four step. I. Drove home after a Friday night meeting. All of our meetings were literature based. We all had a topic. We did a step or we did a paragraph or two out of the book. And we discussed that paragraph. And I'm out of a Friday night meeting and I drove home and something's different. I don't know what it is. Something's different. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm not making any more money than I was making before. Girl hadn't come back. I'm still alone. Don't have any furniture still. IRS is still knocking on my door. But I don't know. I'm different. I'm on different footing. I pulled the tailgate down on my truck in the apartment complex parking lot. And I sat down and there's a big old full moon coming up over North Texas. It's colder than hell out there. And I'm sitting there looking around. And I realize, like a blow, that I'm surrounded by liquor stores. 7-Eleven, stop and go. Places I can buy booze. Restaurant. Got a tab. My co-pay dealer lives in the apartment complex where I live. Friday night. Got some money. Guys got paid. Don't want it. I'm done. I'd recovered from alcoholism. Haven't even finished the steps. And the obsession had been lifted from me. 20 years drinking. Could not not drink. And now I just don't want it. Because for the first time in my life, I landed in a room full of people that loved me enough to tell me the truth. And they didn't give a rat's ass if they hurt my feelings or not. They didn't come across mean to me. They just came across very directional. Chris, this is what you want to do. If you want to get well, you have to do what we did. And that's work the 12 steps. The 12 steps were never intended to be worked slowly. I know some of you from our other fellowships that are in the room may not believe. I don't know what to tell you. I'm saying the book is explicitly clear. We work the steps rapidly. Number one problem in our fellowship today is that we have so many people out there letting people off the hook. Well, when you heard enough, you'll work those steps. No, that's not true. When I heard enough, I will go drink. One of the little brothers, Ian, somebody had handed me this primary purpose website off of it. It says that ain't in the book. I've seen this around for years. This is some great little sayings that we hear around our fellowship that are not in the book. It's just crap. It was cute. And somebody decided it would be fun to. To teach the newcomer this. And this is the stuff that will kill you. And yet we allow this stuff to prevail in our meetings. If it ain't in the book, you need to be careful about sharing it with anybody. I don't need to reinvent the wheel. I don't work my program. I work the program. The same program that got Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob sober got me sober. Arrogant of us. The book tells me that absolute necessity of getting rid of selfishness, selfish and self-centeredness is the root of the problem. Page 62 does not say alcohol and cocaine is the root of the problem. And I'll everybody believes that treatment centers believe that your families believe that you a lot of you in this room believe that it's not. It's your absolute selfishness. That's the root of the problem. Seven years in the program. I've never even bought a big book. Never worked with a single. Drunk. I'm the most selfish person on Earth. 1987, when I got back in that room, the first weekend I was in there, they had me answer the telephones in the group. Chris, if the phone rings, answer it. We've got a meeting to go to. Buddy, I'm going to go with you to the meeting. No, we need somebody to help. The phone guy didn't show up. You need just answer the phone. If you get it in the jam, call us. We'll come help you. No. And they stopped and said, Chris, you've been a taker all your life. When are you going to start giving back? We didn't ask you to reinvent the wheel. We just asked you to stand here and wait for the phone. Phone rang right then. Phone rang. And they liked it. She said, buddy, we're right here. We're going to show you how to do this. There's the phone list right there. All they're going to probably want is a meeting schedule. There's the list of the meetings right there. Go ahead. What do I do? Shit. Answer the phone. Louisville group. It was a lady looking for an Al-Anon meeting. My first 12-step call, it's Al-Anon. It freaks me out. I said, she wants a meeting schedule. There it is right there. Showed me where it was. I told her. And I recognized that I knew the girl on the phone. I drank with her husband. And she said, is that you? And I said, what are you doing down there? I said, I'm sober. And I got about 24 hours of sobriety. And I was hanging around a club, you know, helping out a little bit. If you want, I'll wait for you out front. You remember what I looked like. And I said, yeah, okay. It's no problem. I waited for her. Took her back. Showed her the Al-Anon folks in the back. And, you know, there's the difference. You know, I walk back into that phone room like this. And I'm standing just like Myers was talking about. Standing a little taller. You know, yeah. I took care of it. They created a freaking monster. You couldn't go near that phone for the next six months. Phone and ring. A little newcomer would be going for it. Like, no, she's you. Buddy, this phone is very important. You could kill somebody on this phone if you're not careful. This is my job. I was on the cleanup committee, you know. They'll clean up, you know. And it wasn't. You know, you clean one toilet in one club. And all of a sudden, it's not your club. It's my club. Hey, don't drop that butt on the floor. Pick the son of a bitch up. Let's come on. What are you doing here? I became a part of the group. Because I had men and women that held me accountable and made me do that. We've got a little group of guys at our group in Ingram. Guys that I sponsor. And sponsored a few guys. And the guys they sponsor. And there's about 30 of us. We call ourselves the Mad Dogs. We've got t-shirts. It says, Mad Dogs on a road less traveled. You know. We're mad. And we have an accountability group. It is not an AA meeting. Don't want it to be an AA meeting. We get together every other Thursday and meet for an hour. It's accountability. You introduce yourself first and last name. Thank you very much. So we can get to know who the hell you are. And we talk about who our sponsor is. And how many guys we're sponsoring. And what's our commitment. You don't belong to that group. If I'm sponsoring and you don't have a commitment. I ain't sponsoring. You're going to give back to this program. You're going to get involved. Or you're going to go away. We don't have time. Drive it in Houston. To do a young people's conference a couple of months ago. And it's raining like a bear out there. It's just pouring down. And I pull up on the side street. You know. And they've got this big ditch. I don't know if they do this in England. But they've got utility workers out there. Right? And they've got a couple of guys in slickers out there. You know. They've got a couple of little Mexican guys sitting down in the dirt. Just digging their ass off down there. Working their butts off. You with us? And they've got about 15 guys standing around outside. Off the ditch. Just checking it out. Got the clipboards and shit. And the two little guys are down there in the trench. Working their butts off. See. That's Alcoholics Anonymous today. That's our fellowship today. We've got a whole bunch of people with clipboards. Walking around. Checking things out. Making sure that we don't say anything we're not supposed to say. And making sure that. You know. And we've got a few of them. And we've got a few of them. And we've got a few of them. And we've got a few of them. And we've got a few of us. Out there busting our bums. Sponsoring people. Trying to carry the message of hope. There's a problem here folks. You see. None of us dodged the bullet. Every one of us gets the chance to give back to this program. Some of us can help. Some of us can't. Bullshit. Everybody in this room has got a specific talent. Some of you are great with money. Let's get on the financial committees. Some of you guys are great with organizing. Let's do some more conferences like this. Let's. Everybody's got a job. If you're sick of it. If you're sitting in this room right now. In the fellowships. I don't care which one it is. And you don't have a job. You're not going to stay. You're going to get bored to tears with what this is about. Can't you. Can't you sense the urgency of this? I touched on it yesterday. Treatment centers are on the way out. They're closing everywhere. The drunks in the attics are coming back into our meetings. They're going to need some help. They need all hands on deck. Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob, can't you? Can't you sense the responsibility? You think we go through hell today, 70 years later? Just think what they went through. One alcoholic carrying the message to another alcoholic. The clear, undiluted message out of the book. Jeez. I feel responsible. I think it's. It's the least I can do. The greatest gift I've ever been given is this fellowship and the message in this book. My sponsor talks about my outsides matching my insides. And today, because I work and rework the steps, I believe that's true. I believe that if you see me at Ingram, Texas, or in the airport later this afternoon, you're going to see the same person you see right here. I'll be a little shy. I'll be a little shy. I'll be a little shy. I'll be a little shy. I'll be a little shy. I'll be a little shy. I'll be a little shy. I'm talking about action. At the end of the day, I sit down and I do a 10-step review. I look at the thing. Have you ever, have you ever, have you ever, at the end of the day, say, God, I've had a crappy day. Ask yourself, why did you have a crappy day? Wasn't it because you stepped on somebody or somebody stepped on you? And you start cleaning up your mess. I don't go to bed grinding my teeth over an employer or somebody I work with. If I've got something going on, I'll call them on the telephone and let's get this stuff straightened up. I don't go to bed grinding my teeth over an employer or somebody I work with. I don't go to bed grinding my teeth over an employer or somebody I work with. I pray and meditate every morning. My butt's out of bed at 5.30 every morning. I just spend 30 minutes with God. Quiet. Listening. Then I go through my day and I pay attention to what I'm doing. I try not to step on people. I try not to hurt people's feelings. Then after work, I get a chance to go to a meeting and give back to my fellowship. 18 years sober. Ooh, circuit speaker everywhere. Mm-hmm. Wednesday night, I make coffee at my group. Because that's what I do. Because they don't do it right. Guys, in the 10-step and 11-step stuff, it's not the mistakes that hurt us. It's trying to justify the mistake that kills us. And that's what we all have to pay attention to. I want to close with this real quick because we've got to get on down the road. Somebody asked me earlier if the tide is turning. And I'm not up here to blow smoke. I'm here to tell you the tide is turning. There's a lot more of us now than there was 10 years ago out there comfortably sharing the message of hope with newcomers. And I'm not up here to blow smoke. On that spiritual path we talked about yesterday, there's not going to be many days that you're not going to take some shots. Cheap shots. When people see you happy, folks, the first thing they want to do is shoot you full of holes. Come into a meeting any time and say, I just got diagnosed with cancer. And everybody will gather around you. Are you with me? But come in and say, God, I just got a great raise, buddy. And life is going bitchin'. And they'll go, yeah, that's nice. Who else has got a problem? They will dust you, you know, because nobody wants to hear the good stuff. And all I have to share with a newcomer is the good stuff. I'm not going to paint this picture that everything in life is great, but everything in life is great. You can be spiritually fit, folks, even when things are not going exactly the way you want them to go. I know who's in charge. I'm not living today at 18 years sober off a spiritual experience I had 18 years ago. I work and rework the steps. I work and rework the steps. I stay current for a current experience. I want a new experience with God. I want to continue to grow. You would not believe how blessed we have been this week sitting around, driving around this probably one of the most historic cities on earth. We study about London from the time we were in kindergarten. You're all our closest allies, for heaven's sakes. And to be here with you people, it's life changing. And to sit in these rooms and listen to you guys talk about what you're doing in your fellowship. But we're on the right path. We just need to keep doing it. We need to encourage. Y'all need to network. I've got business cards with emails. I network all the time, folks. Y'all need to pass cards out. Y'all need to network with the people. Because when you start feeling down, when you've taken a bunch of shots, somebody's eating your butt because you read something out of a book. You need to call. We'll encourage you to continue to do the deal. None of us are going to stay sober by ourselves. It takes every one of us to stay on the path. And for you guys that organized this this weekend, Dave and Vic and all those dozens that did all the little coffee mongers out here that just busted their butts all weekend. For everybody that's participated in this weekend, I want to absolutely thank you from the bottom of my heart for going to the trouble and the effort. This is not... This is not cheap to do. These are very expensive to put on. And we're so grateful that you have had us. But long after we're gone, we want to stay in touch with you folks. I can speak for Alicia. I'm sure in Myers, y'all have touched us. And we are blessed by the experience. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.