Charlie P. at the 1st Kanuga Lake Conference – 1971

You know the last time I heard our speaker was over in Winston, I believe Winston-Salem and they had all the mayors and dignitaries were there and it took 15 minutes to introduce the man that was gonna introduce him and didn't get to hear an awful lot. I don't want to cut into too much of his story so We're going to move right along with this today. But I've known Charlie for several years, man. And a lot of times you hear these speakers at retreats and conventions and you hear them around and you go through there and visit their hometown and you say, where's old Charlie? Well, he doesn't come to many meetings now. He's too busy on the outside. I've heard this an awful lot but I don't believe I've ever been to Roanoke till meeting up there that I didn't see Charlie he goes to his group and he supports his group and they told me that's where it was and he believes that's the place that's what it is too he also believes in this book Dave moved it He believes in this book of alcoholic synonymous That tells me enough, too But he and I have talked for a long time this weekend I just love being with him He's got a rather humorous story And a rather lengthy one, too Charlie, if we start saying the Lord's Prayer before you finish, don't let it bother you. But seriously, seriously, this man is, will do anything he can to help a drunk. And he believes in this book of Alcoholics Anonymous and he believes in meetings at a group level and that's what it takes to make an A.A. as far as I'm concerned and I'm not going to take up any more of his time. I'm going to give you Charlie P. from Roanoke. Hello. Thank you. That was all right. There's a few little things that you left out, but I'll talk to you about it later. My name is Charlie Fainer and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Charlie. And I belong to the Roanoke Central Group of Alcoholics Anonymous and it's the best one in the world. It's a pure delight for me to be down here with all you people that's got the Spirit. The surroundings are beautiful. This committee here that formulated this thing, they're beautiful people. And I want to say that I thank you for having me to come down here and commit myself again before God and man. It always does me so much good. Right now I'm beginning to take the biggest shot I ever had. I'm going to tell you a little bit, try to tell You a little Bit of the Stuff That I Never Told Anybody Else Before. And I found out it's such a tonic for me Well, I'm at a point right now where I don't know exactly all I'm going to tell you. But as soon as I breathe a few times and get shuffled around here we'll get into it. I usually pick up my drinking from the time that I left the service. I was beginning long about then to find out some tricks, and I'd already drank aquavelva and kicky-poo juice and all of those other things by that time. I and General Douglas MacArthur had secured defeats for the people of the United States. And I believed it. But I've heard since it was 15 million people in the service when I was in. But I came on back to the United States and married this girl that I told when I left to wait on me, I'd be back and get her. And by that time I was, well what you might say a regular drinker. You know drinking every night. And when we, when she decided what time we was going to get married, I'd been so worldly that I really wasn't ready. But I thought I'd better go on with it because, you know, I'm afraid I might lose her. And we come to the time for the wedding and she asked me not to drink anything during the ceremonies. And I didn't like it. I didn' t think she knew what she was talking about, but I respected her request, and we got married there in a Methodist church, and the preacher talked to us a while before the wedding, trying to give us some spiritual direction. And I remember about that, wondering when he was going to get through. And we went on in there and these people were there, of course, you know, and flowers. And, and I was so out of place, so out-of-place at my with him. And when they got through, they said, let's say the Lord's Prayer. And that meant that I had to kneel there and I had an awful time getting down and getting up. My legs had locked on me. I was out of place because I didn't have anything to stimulate me. But as soon as it was over, I got it. And I don't reckon I ever let up after that night or any real period of time. And we went on and I was in the community there, I was a member of the executive committee of the Legion post there. They had a bar there it was open on Sunday and I wasn't right active as a member of the legion. Could go in there on Sunday drink all day and come back and tell it I've been working on the book, trying to get things straightened out. But from that point on, I became addicted really to things to drink. And we were invited out and I had right much mouth then. And a few times I was asked to be Master of Ceremonies at something, bandwidth you know it's gonna be drunk everybody there I thought was gonna be drunken and I figured they picked the right man because I could get a few drinks and just get up on the table and talk to him stand up and walk around in the dishes. Well, I got too much on a few occasions and I remember one time I just puked right there in the grave. And the next morning she told me that. And we went on with those niceties during the first year of her life. And as As I began to drink more, things began to get dirty. And the first thing I knew they had me down there in jail. And all the humiliation and the world and the embarrassment, and she came down to that jail there and asked me if I was gonna do better and I said certainly get me out we had two little children and I was very proud of them and she did a wonderful job back with the children because she sent me off at an early time and children's life, and I was gone. Right much. As I see it now, I was in the progressive stages of alcoholism but then I thought it was a condition brought about by the ungrateful people there in that little town. I felt sure that was the reason so I continued to feel sorry for myself in there on the back streets and of course my mother allowed me to come back home after she had run me off but this is a thing many things happened there before before she finally told me to get my coat. I'd come out of the army in the reserves and I didn't really know I was in the reserve, but I found out somewhere during the time and I'd gotten on Parry Gark, I don't know, you can, I found out that you could drink four, four of these small bottles of Paragark in the morning and feel right hummy most of the day. On a Sunday afternoon my brother and his wife and my wife were up in the country a swimming hole and and i had right much paragraph with me and the news came over his automobile radio that the war in korea had uh broken out over there and i was up to that time i was unemployed and you know i didn't reach the pretty low ebb and i thought well hallelujah here i'm in the reserve they'll be calling me in a few days and I can get away from here and show these people you know how great I am and that I'll defend them again so sure enough it wasn't long until I got my orders and I said well now I want to be sober for the examination it'd be awful if I go down there and fail it I'd be doomed here forever ever and so I got my orders in I start carrying them with me downtown showing them certain people down there that thought it I was a boom and now one morning there I walked out of the basement door and it was a ninth morning and I looked up in the sky and around and I thought well I could take two or three drinks this morning here and do catch up on some things and I went right straight downtown they had a few dollars and I got a bottle of Virginia gentlemen well this I was splurging and I came back and put it in the basement there and took a drink of it and said to myself, I'm not going to drink much of this. Just thought it'd be social and congenial here my last few days here. Well, I decided then that I'd go upstairs and do some work up in the attic there where she couldn't see me. And I told her that I was going to do that and I got the screwdriver and the hammering went up there and beating around and working up there. And I was going down to the basement to get nails and things like that. And I got me another drink and went back, and I made about three or four trips down there. And on the third or fourth trip, I took a big dose of this and it just came right out, just bounced right out in a line and hit the wall over there like a fire hose. And this was a shock to me because I'd been getting on drunks at last two and three and four and five weeks, and I never got sick until the end. So this was new. This was a new experience for me to lose Virginia gentlemen so soon after starting. I swallowed a few times and went on back upstairs And after a while, I came back down and took another And I started slobbering like a mad dog Still puzzled, I couldn't understand it And suddenly, I began to puke with a gusto And I was the loudest puker I've ever heard in my life I could not control the groan that came with the heave I got outside of the basement door and just I remember sounding like a dog barking And just coming out, all of it, you know And I started to walk around there I was walking around the house Of course, she knew what was going on out there. And on about the second or third turn around that house, my lower intestines gave way and I had something going two ways there. And I was in a state of shock. But I was still running and as I would pass the picture window there, I would see her looking at me. And I hollered to her to get the doctor Because I was in bad shape And this is one time I think she acted Right away on my orders Because soon There was a doctor in the picture window Looking out Motioning me in And finally I went in And I quit running I was kind of just walking this-a-way You know, because I had so much on me And he gave me a shot and quieted me down and come to find out that some of the older ladies had told her if she'd put Epicate in my booze that she'd cure me from it. And I asked her to promise me not to do it again, and she did. Well, I went on down to Fort Eustis a week later and my pulse was 134 as a result of so much of this strain in here. And they said, what's the matter with you? And I says, oh, I just celebrated it a little bit too much. And they gave me a handful of goofballs to bring my pulse down and didn't phase them. So they sent me back home in complete humiliation. Yeah, I had to go back face these people and in 60 days they called me back and I had decided that I'd be ready for them so I went to the doctor and I said give me something for my nerves and something to help me not to drink anything because I've got to pass an examination for long and he gave me a big bottle of orange stuff and I I could take a dose, my dose. Of course, it was prescribed on the bottle, but I just took a drink when I needed it. And I'd get that same old glow, you know. It was beautiful medicine. So I carried it back with me, and just before I went in for that examination, I took a big taste of it and went in and passed with flying colors, and I had again the United States Army under my command. and they assigned me as a criminal investigator for the western part of Virginia which was exactly what they should have done according to my abilities and gave me the western part of the state of Virginia and a driver and a two-way radio and paid me for quarters and things and then I began to get comfortable But soon I found out that it was the hardest place in the world to be drunk And be comfortable, was to be in the army You had to go talk to a colonel every morning or two And this was tragic A few times I got on this garlic kick to kill it on my breath And one time he says, I'd rather smell the booze than the wood to garlic But while I was down there I got a hold of some pretty good stuff from the police department Gave me some stuff they'd captured And I drank right much of it a long time And I noticed I was beginning to kick and scoff my shoes and I'd lost the feeling in this finger and my equilibrium wasn't so good. I'd go down those halls there and I would be bouncing from one side to the other and I couldn't control myself. And one day I had to get off of a severe attack to this business for a big meeting over there and I just quit cold turkey and I was trying to walk the streets to get myself in shape and the sun was shining and I was walking down near the place where I was quartered this dear old lady there that I stayed with she was very fond of me at times and I got near the place where I stand and I looked over at this longest flower bed in the building and that that called three of the prettiest snakes you've ever seen three or four different colors beautiful orange and green and there were bricks in the flower bed and I reached over and got one and threw it and missed it and I saw her standing there on the porch looking at me and I picked up another one threw it and missed it and I stopped and looked over there and then I grabbed another brick and threw it with all my might and it missed hit the building and bounced back out in the street and she looked over there and said what are you doing and I said I'm trying to kill these snakes here. And she looked over, and she says, well, I don't see any snakes. And right then the signal came to me that I was having those things that I'd heard about. And I run to my hole in the basement down there and run into the little restroom and come back out and turn around and look, and there was a brown bear standing there. And I screamed and backed up And focused on it And it became a rug folded up And I run out of there to a doctor Shingled, I'd seen And I ran in the office And I said, give me something here In this arm I wanted to get it before I could tell him And he says, what for? And I says, I'm seeing things I've been drinking And he helped me He didn't like it, but he did And that was the beginning of a long history of music, beautiful music and voices and all of the other things you see when you're on one of these trips caused as a result of taking too much stuff in and stimulating your central nervous system too much. After that I could see anything I chose And I could hear any kind of music I wished to. Of course, it was uncomfortable and there was always a fear of it. But I got out of that army some way or other. They got too close on me. And my wife didn't especially want me back there. And they were going to send me over there to where they were fighting and I started manipulating a little bit and got out and went back home to take up my duties there and when I walked in that morning I'd slept that night in someone's basement and the furnace blew up and I was just completely black all over so she welcomed me in and she didn't know who I was really And I started back the same old business And it wasn't long until I was at that stage That she told me to go away The reason she told my to go way Is I had a little windfall there And I had to go to the next town on business And I got over there and got with a friend and he, after we'd gotten something to drink, he decided he wasn't going to stay with me and I didn't need all that money I had. Anyhow, I woke up and didn't have anything. Well now in this town I had an old cousin there who had swindled all of my grandmother's property and she was living very comfortably over there And I found myself without anything to go on And I decided I'd go up and see Cousin Mary Much older than I And I went up there and knocked on the door And she was so glad to see me And she's one of these type of aristocrats Always an aristocrat And she'd have about this much Of some kind of liquor At six o'clock in the evening In a little glass about this big And I knew it was about 6 o'clock So it was time for her toddy And she fixed one She said, I've been hearing that you don't drink too well I don't know what to give you any of that I said, well, you can hear anything If you don'T mind, I'll have one And so she poured me out one like she drank And I said Well, if I'm going to drink And I'd like to have a little more Because I'm a man Well, she set the bottle down and went to the kitchen To get a larger glass And, oh, boy What an opportunity I dropped it down about three or four inches Set it down, smacked my mouth And had a straight face And had something to thaw When she came back in Something to save me And then when she came by She came back and poured me a good one And we sat there and talked In such nice terms, you know And, you know, I resented her because all this stuff she had didn't belong to her. And finally she said, well, I'd better fix you something to eat. And she had an old desk there that always kept plenty of cash in this little drawer. And she went to fix me something to Eaton, so I went over and opened the drawer and got me a handful and put it in here. And she fixed me a little toast and something, and I ate it and said, well, now I'd rather be going. How are you going to get home? I said, I don't know. I'll put you on the train and she turned and walked to that desk and my heart come up here. I could feel it in my throat She reached in there and got a five and a ten and looked like nothing had happened She came and gave me the plan and called the cab and gave him the fire Take me to the train station, and I kissed her And told how much I loved her when I left and got out in the cab and he drove down I said stop the car and cut on the light and I pulled his money out and I counted and I had $285 with the tens you give me to go home on so I went back to the hotel and took his treatments for my health for another few days and then finally wound up walking home but when I got back she told me you can't come back here anymore, you're through. And I thought she was kidding. And it went on for several years and I thought she was kiddin'. I was livin' at my mother's and got real low down by then. I was one of the boys that made the jail pretty regularly. And while I was there at my mother's I did a lot of things that a lot of people found out about. I had another windfall and it was about 300 and some dollars I think it was something from a government And at that time she was giving me, you know, some cigarettes No quarters to get in cigarettes, just cigarettes So I decided I'd go out over there to a place and get me a room I had this money and I got to the room and settled down and went uptown and I walked up Main Street and walked in the drugstore at the magazine rack and looking around people and bought me a couple of western novels and then came out and thought well, I've got a little something to drink, go down and read these novels and just lay around not take too much So I bought a fifth and a pint and went down and took off my shirt and my shoes and laid down on the bed and bought me about three packs of Camel cigarettes. Had cigarettes. Took two or three drinks out of the bottle, out of The Fifth, and laid there and was smoking and reading. After a little while, I dropped it off. And the cigarette dropped down I was holding it in this hand like this And I found out later If I'd have held a cigarette in these two fingers While I was drinking it I wouldn't have burned up so much stuff But of course that's too late for that And the cigarettes dropped down And caught on fire And the smoke was coming up and it got hot here on me and I jumped up out of the bed and looking around there. The landlady, Mrs. Broth, she don't mind me calling her name because I've made amends to her. She came up and she said, you set my bed on fire. And I said, no, that bed was on fire when I got in it. No, no. But anyhow, I looked out the window and here come the fire engine and the police. So I grabbed the full pint and went down the stairs, down the back stairs and went over there on the hill in the weeds and sit down and watch it. And it wasn't long until I saw the long arm of the law come out that window there and they had what was left in that fifth in their hand pointed out. Well, that just changed my whole attitude. And I opened up that pint I had and took me a big stiff drink and started moving through those weeds there and made it out across town, back to my mother's. Of course, it was all over town, and I was dreading the weekly paper. And it came out in the weekly newspaper right in the center of the first page. It said, Local Man Sets Bed on Fire. Didn't call my name, but it might as well have. Oh, I was completely humiliated. And on top of this, my mother demanded that I pay that woman $65 for that mattress and that left my windfall in bad shape. So I went on and stayed drunk for three or four weeks to forget it and I did forget those embarrassments. You know, they hurt for a while but I'd get over them. You know if I just drank a while and let my mind change I'd go home. and I did a lot of things while I was staying there that I didn't mean to do one Sunday morning and I never had anything to drink on Sunday I woke up and I didn' t have anything and I was sick and I went uptown to see who I could see and here I used people going to church and I resented him, going to church. What are you going to the church for? And there was a stranger in town that day and I spotted him down there and I went down and got acquainted with him and he looked affluent. And soon he mentioned a drink. I wonder where we can get a drink? Well, right then, I had had a drink. I felt it going down into my toes as soon as he said that because I knew I could control him from there on. I took him to the bootlegger and we got two-fifths and came back and he said, let's go out somewhere and drink. Let's go outside. Let's get out to a swimming hole or somewhere like that. So we did. I took them out in the country to the swimming hole, hired a taxi, went out there, seven miles out there. secluded place and we got out of there and we drank and we told these stories you know i told him about me that what i was and who i was what all it done he told me some of this other stuff and uh we went in took a swim and come back out and laid down talked after a while i went to sleep and long toward evening i awakened and when he wasn't there and i looked around and hollered for him i didn't know what his name was i was too busy talking to him to find out what his name was and he wasn t there and i look around and the booze was gone and then after a while i looked around and my clothes was gone. And now I was out there seven miles from home naked. And on up the river lived an old fella there that fished and lived down in the river, and I'd known him. And I decided to go up there and see if he could help me, and I went up that riverbank sliding in and out of those willows. And finally I got me a dark leaf, big dark leaf And put it in front of me And got on up near his house Behind the big tree and hollered out for him And finally he came out and looking all around And I says, hey, I'm over here And he came over there and he got right there And he looked at me standing there like that And he just had a conniption Just laughed, laughed and kept on laughing and I thought he had never stopped to where I could just ask him what I wanted to ask him. But I didn't know what it was for several years, what I asked him. And he told me several years later, he said, have you got a drink? That's what I said. Naked and seven miles from town and the first thing I was interested in was a drink and that confirmed it here in later years that I was truly an alcoholic. He helped me and I went on back And I was waiting for those drunks down there Those people that drank down there in town To say, I heard that they caught you out there naked Out there on the river And they finally found out about it And this brother-in-law that I had He's dead now and I love him You know, he's all right I guess wherever he is, I hope he is I made amends to him before he went away He was a lawyer And he was the prosecuting attorney there My sister loved me And they had some conflict About how they were going to prosecute me And every chance I got I'd give him a smack He wasn't too athletic anyhow He was more of a A talker, you know And I'd gave him a light hit nothing to break any bones or anything oh yeah I might say one time they was having a conference on me you know how the family usually has family you know how that conference on you before these before they make any decision to put you in dick feel or stanton anyway well there's having one on me one night and and I went and looked in the window and now they all were my brothers and sisters, my mother was there. She was the matriarch of all of it. My mother was dear and I love her and her memory is terrific. And he was up in the middle of the floor walking from side to side laying out the rules, the ground rules. I opened the front door and walked in and walked up and smacked him right in his fireplace without asking anything. Well, of course this was awful And he was going to have me put where I couldn't do that again So there was a conflict between us And he told that they caught me out there naked I came out in the country naked And he got such a kick out of it And the time that I went to the governor of Virginia down there And talked to him about politics and administration And borrowed $50 from him he got a hold of that because he was a politician. And, oh, he told it in every barbershop in the western part of Virginia, never place you now. And says he'll do that. Why, I look for him to go see the president one of these days. And I was in Washington sometime after that and I didn't want to see the President. He wasn't in my political party anyhow. So I decided I'd go down and see the chief of staff of the United States Army, and did, and was very effective. I drank a half a fifth of his liquor and got some money there to carry me back on. So I did these things in my drinking. And this brother-in-law, he was quite a thing between us. And when they'd bring me in the courtroom, he'd be grinning. Kind of a grin. You know how you see grins in people. Did you want to stick your foot in their mouth? He'd be grinning. One time I embarrassed him in the court, the whole court. Had this old trial judge there and I have respect for judges, you know, some of them. Some of them I don't. And this one I didn't have any respect for because I remembered when they caught him stealing one time when he was younger before he made lawyer. And it was something to do but he got on up in it and got to be judge. And I don't know how I ever got out of this. They had me, wasn't anybody in the courtroom but the lawyers and the judge and the police always standing right close beside of me because I was known to run and escape. And I reminded that judge right there in the court about that he shouldn't condemn me for my ways because I was a sick man and I'd been in the army and I had been shell-shocked and I've had all these wounds and things and I couldn't help it. And I said, you don't have a right because you weren't so clean either. I remember about that thing about you. And this Commonwealth attorney, this brother-in-law of mine jumped up and oh, it was an awful thing we had there. We might have had just a cuss right there in the court. But I got through that and got out of there. And one day in this small town, one Sunday morning, beautiful Sunday morning. And the reason I was in this jail at that time was that I had gotten drunk. And this old town boy there that we call Sugarfoot, we were drunk together. And he was right tough. So he said he would wrestle me down there on the city sewage sanitation green place. You know, that's against the law. So we went down and took a lot of—I'd sold some of my fishing equipment and got this booze and took it. Took a lot to friends down, and we had a timekeeper, and we were going to wrestle three rounds. Sugarfoot is pretty tough, and he's pretty tough on me, but I was about to get the best of him when the city police came and took us both to jail, and they had some kind of drunk charge and destroying city property. And I woke up the next morning there in that jail, and it had a Bible in there, and I looked down at it and decided that I was going to do something. And I came out of there, and here's an experience before I left. And I went to the doctor, and I said, can you give me something to help me not to drink? And he says, certainly. And he gave me a whole handful of stuff. And I began to take them and speed up on them a little bit. And after a while, I began to feel I wasn't ashamed. And I felt like my head was turning up. I was pretty smart. and I got to reading the Bible around there and finally I took $3.49 and went down there and got me a Bible and taking these tablets and reading that Bible and I was understanding everything in there and I going down telling this landlady down there this old dear old lady friend of my mother's that was keeping me and I remember I took a whole bunch of those things and I was feeling just fine and I went down there and I started giving her a talk on the book of Mark walking up and down and she said oh that's so beautiful I'm glad you're changing and I stayed drunk off of these amphetamines you know but I didn't drink liquor and I got down there to church first thing you know I was praying down there calling on me Brother Payne I prayed and what i was doing down there was uh trying to let my wife see that you know take me back so that i'd have a better standing in the community i didn't care too much about what she really felt i cared about what mrs so-and-so over here and these others thought about she's run that drunk off and i didnít want it that way she didn't pay attention much to it but anyhow we went on there and they had a revival there. And I was actually there in the church taking these 10 milligrams, up to 35 of them a day. And then at night I was killing it with some phenobarbital. Take a load of phenoborbital and lay down and sleep for nine hours and get up and start...and I did throw them up in there and catch them in my mouth. And they I had this revival there, and I had everything figured out when they was going to call on me to pray because there's some guys there that had seen the art of me, some of them brothers. And they were going to called on them before me, and they did. And my time fell on Thursday night. And I was selling shoe polish and stuff like that to housewives. And I had his car there, and I was prosperous. And I went in there on Thursday nights, and I knew it was the night he was going to call upon me, and sure enough they did, And this old aunt of hers that I wanted to kill all the time, and nearly did a few times, she was there. She belonged to another church, but she was There for the revival. And she said three rows ahead of me, and she, I says, I've got it made. I'll make this pretty prayer, and She'll go tell my wife, and then I'll get a phone call. And I did when he called on Brother Painter. I gave him one because I'd been studying in these pamphlets and Sunday school books, these different prayers, and I had one all made out for them and give it to them. And when it was over, while they just thought it was beautiful, these older Christian women, and she didn't say anything to me, and I waited around for two or three days and I didn't get a phone call and I went to Richmond on business back in the rat race again. But I left this place, walked out of that jail on Sunday morning, but I left this place. walk you out of that jail on Sunday morning worn out pair tennis shoes and a t-shirt and come to another town where they didn't know me and I met this this preacher and he's a good man and he helped me and us still taking these fields I had to get a supply in the town I did they were giving me all I wanted and I was taking these pills and working and this preacher is a good man to me and I thought he didn't know that I was an alcoholic and then one day I I slipped up and got drunk and just messed up everything and he he come and found me and he asked me about this AA thing and I didn't nobody heard about it I think Somebody had some of that car insurance there where it'd come out of Bluefield. And I thought it had something to do with that. I didn't know. And he says, can I help you? And I says, yeah, get me a drink. And he said, I want to really help you. He says, have you ever heard of this AA thing? And I said, well, I don't know He says do you want to try it? I says if you'll get me drink Well, he got me a doctor and they got me all fixed up there And took me to one of these things And I was shaking in that shape, and I listened to those people, and it made me nervous, and I held onto the table there while they were doing that talking. And I kept going back, and finally my wife found out if she'd put me on a straight road and get me off of the booze for a lengthy period that I might never drink again. So she filed these papers to get me, and they were going to get him. And I'd met these people out of Roanoke. So when I got the papers, I went down and told them to forget everything. I'm going to the penitentiary. And I run into an AA there that took time to talk to me. and in about two hours time he lifted the burden from me and he kind of got things straightened up there and stopped this thing that was going to put me on the road and I decided I'd come into Roanoke and get more of this stuff and I did and I got down there and I remember the first night that I was in there there was a lawyer there that I'd known when I was just a child and he was standing up there talking and I was sitting back there in the back and he wasn't telling all of these things on himself and I looked around to see if I knew anyone in there because I was sure that it was going to get back to my hometown and I went down there listening to all this mess bunch of drunks crazy people and he was telling stuff on himself that could get him in jail so you see I was way out but after the meeting was over they come up and say you want a cup of coffee or coca-cola and shake my hand and tell me that you're gonna be great one these days and this was new and I liked it and didn't have anywhere else to go so I couldn't learn too well I resented these people and these speakers some of them had two neckties and I didn't want to be called myself an alcoholic and I did for a long time when I'd hear these other people say that I'm so-and-so and I'm an alcoholic. But then finally the day come that they asked me to get up and say a few words, and well, I didn't know what to say. Really. And I made the effort, and I had to say what they were saying, that I was an alcoholic, and I committed myself there. And then I kept on calling myself an alcoholic and finally of got used to it. But not before I had some more attacks. On my last drunk, I'd been sober nine months. I was a member of the steering committee. I had been elected to the executive board of the Easy Desert Club and the senator here from North Carolina was one of the officers, I think, at one time in that club. He knows all about it. But I was helping these new drunks, making these 12-step calls and taking somebody with me in order that they might get experience in carrying the message. And I remember a shocking thing happened to me during one of these trips. I went out on a cold night and took this new man with me to see this fellow, and he was on pills and beer and everything, and he was in this cold room. And we stayed in that cold room talking to that man. I did. This other fellow listened. He was younger than I was, and I walked the floor and talked to that man about his alcoholism on up until 3 or 3.30 in the morning. And it was freezing in this room. He were sitting there with blankets over him, and and this other guy had got him a blanket, and I didn't need a blanket because I had the Spirit with me. And then we left there, and the next morning someone called me about 7 o'clock and said he'd died. And I didn'T know whether it was this talking I did or all those pills he's taken. And this set me back a few days. And I was one of the pallbearers in the funeral. but I continued on with the work carrying the message in and I knew what 12 steps were in the big book and I was up to about here with a just you know I don't know whether any of you have ever gotten this way have you ever gotten to the point that you don't have any more capacity to take in anymore? Well, I got this way on Memorial Day and AA was having, oh, it was a couple of days before Memorial Day. They were having a picnic and I couldn't attend. I went out there briefly, but I had to leave because I had to catch a plane to Washington. I'd gone over that morning and borrowed the money for this plane trip to Washington, I had to go up there on some business. And I went up there and I went to the Pentagon and walked in there and asked this lady there if I could see this Major General and she asked me if I had an appointment and I said no ma'am I don't need one with him just tell him who's here and she did and I got with him and we went over some of the old times and he said to me he said can you still drink that liquor like you used to and right there right there was a test I failed I said no I can't drink it quite as much as he used to he said let's go down to lounge and have one. And I remember it's very vivid in my mind following him out the door, and I felt like I was walking like this. Going to the slaughter. Went down and he ordered a drink. I said give me one of them too something like this with something red in it. We sat there drinking. He was slow drinking here. Finally I thought he never would drink down and said you want nothing. I said, if people have one more, mine was empty. We drank one more and then we went back to his suite of offices, started back. And I knew then I had to get out of there because I remembered that bar that I saw over there when I was going over there when I wasn't drinking, you know. Never thought of taking a drink. Nine months sobriety and I told him then when we got back, I've got to go. Well, you're going. You just got here i said i've got to go over the uh bethesda naval hospital over there and see some people well it was shocked him because he thought we was going to talk about old times but he didn't have anything in his desk drawer to drink and i sure that and we wasn't going to get up and go back down to the lounge anytime soon and i needed to have something more and i And I went on over there and got it. And I was in a pretty nice hotel when I got up there, but I wound up on Sunday morning there after some Sunday morning in a place that was a walk-up, and my rent was up there. all I had left was one extra shirt and a belt and just, I don't know what else it was. And I carried him out and I was sick and I was walking the streets on Sunday morning and I was so tired of carrying this shirt and belt, I just turned into an alley and walked over and laid him on an oil drum and walked away. And I manipulated and got some more to drink And finally got back into Roanoke Oh, what an embarrassment To face all these people And particularly these guys That just come in I've got to look them in the face And now they've got three weeks And a month's variety And I haven't got any And we got one fella up there today Has got 25 days more sobriety than I have And every time he talks, he tells you Of course, I can live with it now But I remembered when I walked the floor with him 12 step in him to try to get him sober and he was biting his fingernails and blood was dripping down dying easy does it club and he wasn't marching walking this floor right and I got him to get in step and count cadence and do a left turn as we'd go and two weeks after that or something like that I got drunk and come back and here he is and that dude's been sober ever since but as you say I can live with it now but when I came back I decided if it's here I want it and I'm going to do I'm gonna try to do these things that they're doing so I started praying in the morning and praying at night and I started using the serenity prayer as I walked the streets and stumbled over the cobblestones as I sit down to eat and as I laid down, I began to pray and pray. And they said, love those that you hate, and it's so hard. And I practiced stopping when I'd resent somebody because they come in and they had a new hat on or a new tie and they thought there was something. Stopping in my mind and say, don't let me resent them and help me to try to love them, whatever that is. and as I went and as I tried to do this, every now and then I could feel a little better. And after a while it was all right for me to see people and talk to them and speak to them without so much resentment. And as I tried to do the things that Twelve Steps suggested, it, I began to feel a little better. I remember one instance that on one of the drunks while I was in AA that I did, I was staying in the YMCA and I'd gotten pretty drunk in there before they'd give me the gates and I found out after that I had they said that I had used the wastebasket for the restroom and I didn't believe that because I knew how I would and my sponsor found out about it and he told me that I was gonna have to make amends to this man over there well I didn t want over there and face him. And he says, I'll go over there to the door with you and you can go in there and tell him how sorry you are and all. And I just didn't want to do this, but I figured I had to do what this guy said because I was in such shape. And I went over there, and he stood outside, and He's grinning and smiling. And I walked in, and I walked to the counter, and here was this guy. And I says, I want to tell you I'm sorry for messing up your room. He said, You bet you're sorry. And I remember my reaction, you know, on these YMCA desks. They have a little bell there, and I wanted to get it and put it on his mouth. I said, I'm Sorry, anyhow, and then I walked out, and I looked at this guy, and he was grinning, and he said, you're a bigger man for that. He said, you're going to be all right now. Just laughing and I couldn't understand it. I was just glad as old with him and I didn't get in jail for fighting. But then I saw later what that meant and I tried to make amends and I trying to get a little honest and as time went on I felt a little better Still couldn't work too much Because I was having to do all of this other stuff But finally my life began to change And one day I found that I didn't necessarily desire a taste I read Emmett Fox's Sermon on the Mount and I read the book every day talking, I was talking all the time talking when I shouldn't have been talking but it helped me and I began to get back the things that I had lost and to this day I have all the things that I lost that are important and that are needed. In life and the God of my understanding has been good to me. I have been blessed. And I'm one of these two that's spiritual. Not too much religion. I go to church but I have come to believe that the spirit of goodness is inside of me and I don't have to go and look up in a church steeple and say are you up there hey up there help me I don' t have to do that I believe that he is up there that the Spirit of goodness is in you and in me and wherever we gather together like here and like the beautiful spirit that is here and this belief has undergirded me and has made me strong and has taken away the fear and has allowed me to be comfortable. I remember the pains I used to have in my heart and in my gallbladder. I thought I was going to have one of those attacks and I didn't want to die in this room with old toast and dried up tomatoes and empty bottles of Pygoc and puke in my shoes down here so afraid and I did not want to die out I did know where I was gone maybe go down there and burn and then as I got sober and as I knew that there was something alive inside of me and as i knew that i could gain strength by coming together with others who are like-minded the fear began to leave and i began to get comfortable and I'm one of those who believes in saying but for the grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I wouldn't be here and I say it with all my heart and all my force and I will say it any place without shame or compunction I've embarrassed some of my friends and by boldly talking to some of the city fathers who were deacons and just laying it on the line to them how it is. And I don't feel like I'm bragging. I feel like, man, what an opportunity to free yourself. And ever change, I believe, in this opportunity that you've given me here this morning to say to you that I was dead and by the grace of God in the spirit of Alcoholics Anonymous I'm alive again is a wonderful challenge and an opportunity for me to feel a little better and a little freer. And I take advantage of most opportunities because it is to me today like a tablet used to be or a drink what I believe I have done by this commitment. I have radiated and stirred up the spirit of love inside of me and towards you. So I never get over the idea of saying how great they are and what wonderful spirits they are. and I believe this not because I have to find something to say here I believe that if you were a drunk and now you're sober I believe it's your energetic and it's you're forceful and it you've got a capacity for love that's just a little above the average so then I feel like I'm walking in high cotton when I can get around a bunch of drunks that are recovered because I know that you know all about it and I haven't got to explain to you why my hair is getting gray and I don't have to tell you why maybe that I do these kooky things because you understand he's another drunk and he's got his way and I love him and I'm praying for him and the comfort that comes from being in with you. Now, this is given by the power of my understanding. So I go on with this when I have the opportunity because it says, it tells us here, and we spoke about it last night, Brian, four times it says God and four times indirectly it says god and four time it talks about the high morality of this thing and all through this other stuff by the grace of God. So then let's don't beat around the bush we're talking about how many times I was in that jail too much oh yes, we've got to do it we've gotta talk about it we've Gotta Remember It but let me have a chance I have remember from whence this strength and this power comes but for the grace of God and the program that he ordained for me and for you there would be no life for us and it's with this thought that deepens my hope and strengthens my faith and tells me when this short trip here is over, from what I can gather there's going to be a peace for me. And I'm not afraid to go. Oh, the courage that has been given to me. not every time that you talk directly to me but in the little things that you say has soothed things that was too hard for me to go into and it's the very tools and the mechanics that are here that's helped this sick mind and this sick body so if I seem enthusiastic and a little goofy out there on the veranda you recognize that by his own energy and by his own intelligence that's not him it's by the love of God in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that I'm this way I am stronger the spirit in me is in good shape I look forward to the messages that are to come and that dear lady last night wasn't she beautiful she said some things that were powerful and she's better this morning of what she said she committed herself before us and before the spirit in this group you can by near see Thank you.