Charles M. – Acceptance – Recovery From Codependency And Rejection – 2014

And now for the grand finale. Our first speaker is Melissa. Thank you. I'm an addict named Melissa. I'm very grateful to be here today, and I'm very grateful that I'm here today. I'm grateful to have been speaking with Charlie. You know, it made me feel a little less nervous, you know, a little more comfortable. You know I'm just going to tell you a little bit about my journey through self-acceptance and kind of getting to where I'm at as far as self- acceptance through my recovery. I'm not going to go back to the way I felt before, you now, when I was out there using and all that stuff because we all know that, you kno? I know when I first got clean, I thought all I had to do was stop using. I just thought if I stopped using drugs, I was going to be OK. Then the work began. Little did I know that I had a lot of work to do. When I first go in the program, they make all these suggestions and they say do this and they do that and you should go to meetings and you should get a sponsor and you stay out relationships for the first year, and you should do this, and you should. Yeah. And I said, Okay, you know, and, but one of the very first things I did is I got involved in a relationship from the very beginning within a couple of months. And what what I found with that is, it took the focus off of me and put it on us. So a lot of the healing and the growing that I needed to do it took me a while you know I got involved in a relationship it was a real sick relationship because that's all I knew you know. I didn't like me how could I like you you know and so I got involved in this relationship and we fought and we yelled and we screamed and we we behaved just like I did in all my other relationships you know um I just wasn't using you know? I came to meetings I worked the steps to the best of my ability. I did things that were suggested, but I got involved. And today I don't tell people that I sponsor. I don'T tell them do this or do that. I just say, you know, this is my experience and this is where it took me. So I got informed in this relationship and it was real sick. It was the same patterns. I walked around in what I call my predator mode. You know, I asked him, you tell me how to feel today? You know, and for me that's real sick because if I let you control my feelings, I'm fucked up. Oh, I messed up. And, you know, I did that for a while and I would go to him and I'd say, you know tell me how do you feel about our relationship? You know how do I always want the validation? Tell me that you love me. Tell me how you feel. Where do I stand? Where are we going with this relationship? because the bottom line was I just still wasn't okay with me, you know. I was not okay. I didn't like me, and I hurt. And I still was trying to fix me by being with him because that's what I knew. You know, God, I believe that was a real important part of my recovery because that'S what got me here, and that'S What kept me here for a while. At first, I'm not going to lie. I mean, I was sick and tired of feeling the way I did. I hated me when I, you know, when I was out there using. I hated who I had become. But in order for me to stay, God knew what it was going to take. And it was for me to get involved in a sick-ass relationship, you know? And so I stayed involved in that relationship for the first couple of years of my recovery. And, you know, in the meantime, I'm still kind of I'm going to meetings. I'm working the steps. I'm in a workshop, and, you know, when I did my second, fourth, and fifth step, the one thing that I learned about me was that I always became what they wanted me to be. I always just kind of molded into whoever they wanted мне to be, and for me that was real sick, you now. so I would sacrifice things that I that I needed things that I wanted I would allow people to treat me bad I didn't I didn' have respect for me so I didn''t make you treat me with respect you know so when I worked my first or my second fourth and fifth step the first one was just a blur because I only had a couple months clean but um when I work that second one you You know, I realized that I had values and I had needs and I was okay and I could be treated with respect and I deserved to be treated with respect. I wasn't that dope fiend junkie anymore. You know? I wasnít that girl that was lying and cheating and conning anymore. And, you know, there were things in life that I wanted and I deserved and I didnít have to sell myself short anymore by getting in these bad relationships and staying in them. And so, you Know, it became real apparent for the first time that it was time to spend some time by myself and get out of this relationship because it wasn't going anywhere. It was sick. It Was just like it always had been yelling, screaming, fighting all that stuff. So it's time to leave. But the thing different about that relationships compared to all my other relationships was that I didn't have to run away. I stuck it out until it was done i didn't we didn't get in a fight and me go screw you i'm leaving because that's what i always did you know things got ugly i'm out you know so i stuck it out and things were okay but it still wasn't working anymore so you know i remember sitting down and i and i just you know I gotta leave I gotta move you know and I and that was real hard for me because things were better and that was different for me and I needed to spend some time with Melissa I needed to get to know me and when I first started thinking about moving I you know I thought about moving in with my grandparents and but that's where I was when I stopped using you know so again I still needed to know that I could take care of myself and that I can make my recovery my priority and then I could learn who I was you know so I moved into an apartment by myself for the first time scared you know and I you know keep in mind I mean I had women in my life at that time but not they were here you know they weren't here they didn't get to know me because I was too busy making plans with him you know and so I move into my apartment and lived alone and got to know some women in and, you know, we'd go to meetings before, you know, hang out before meetings. We'd, you know, would hang out before and after and do dinner and do all that fun stuff. And for the first time in my life, I was okay. I didn't need somebody to make me feel okay. I didn' t need somebody to validate me and tell me, you know, oh, you're, you know, you' re okay and I love you and I want to spend my life with you because you know what? I loved me. And that's what this program has given me that I am okay today, and I love the person that I'm becoming. I'm not that girl that stood in the shower when I first got clean, washing and washing and watching. And I say this a lot when I share because I felt so freaking dirty no matter how much soap I used. I was not clean. I hated who I'd become, you know? And so I'm living alone, andI'm enjoying life. I'm finally okay with me, you now, and l loved it. And all of a sudden, you know, there's this friend that had been my friend since I got clean. And all OF a sudden there's attraction and I'm like, oh my God. Oh, I can't go there again, you know. And I remember my sponsor at the time said don't sabotage it. You know, you're not the same person. I'm like yeah but I'm okay I'm okay I don't need him and I didn't really want him you know I mean I loved it and I knew it from the get-go from the beginning that he was the person I wanted to spend my life with but I was scared because I didn't want to fall back into my old routine you know I didn't want to become that the way I was so things went real fast with us I mean, we were good friends. I, you know, for the, you know, the first relationships I got in, the first relationship I got into when I first got clean, everybody said, no, no. No, don't do it. Don't do it. And I said, but it's God, please. I know it's God's will. You know, and it wasn't. It was my will. It was me trying to make, you know, I mean, I manipulated and got everything I wanted because I made it work. And this time, it just happened. You know, it wasn't a forced thing. It wasn't I had to convince people that it was okay. It just worked. So I got, I mean, it really went pretty quick. I mean we got married. We had a baby fast. I still had some women in my life, you know, and I was still in recovery. But it happened so fast that, you Know, like I said, we got married. I had a baby. We bought a house. All this happened within like six or nine months. I mean, obviously the pregnancy and all that, but it all, I mean if you do the math, the pregnancy was kind of first, and then we got married, and Then we bought the house, and it was all really fast, but It was okay, you know? But in the meantime, I started to slip. You know, I started to slip back into the woman that I was. I wasn't using, I was still coming to meetings but I was going back into that little predator role you know tell me how to feel, tell me I'm okay, tell me I am okay, that I just gained 60 pounds from being pregnant. Tell me that you love me you know and I remember sitting in the floor and I was just crying because I had gotten that beat up again and my husband sitting down and saying you know what Melissa I love you no matter what and this is after I had our child and he said you know I love me no matter why you know I didn't marry you because of who you are on the outside I married you because who you were on the inside and I'm like you know what it doesn't matter what you feel it's about me and I don't like me again I don' like the person I am right now because once again I fell back into that that role you know so I tried for a while to fix the outside you know I lost 80 pounds 87 pounds or something like that you know and I thought I was okay on the outside You know, but still something was missing. I was still, you know, just like the self-acceptance IP talks about, you know we find ourselves becoming irritable or judgmental, discontent, depressed and confused. That's who I was again, you now. And even though I had lost the weight in trying to fix the outside, I still wasn't okay. You know so at that point it was time to do something different. And, you know, by then I had, you Know, started, I got more women In my life, started attending More meetings, started sharing With women, got a new sponsor And one of the things that she Suggested was, you Know, maybe, maybe I might want To think about getting into Therapy, you Know, might want to And I thought, you want me to Get into therapy? You think I need some outside Help? You know, because I still kind Of thought I had it going on And I didn't realize what I didn t have. You know, I didn' t realize still wasn't okay with me, still didn't like me, still wasn' t allowing relationships to come to me because I didn t really like me. You know? I didn d accept who I was. And so I got into therapy and I did a lot of work, you know? I did, I worked on, what I went for was codependent behaviors, you know. And what I got out of it was that I worked through issues of rejection from my family. You know, not only was I rejecting me, but I also felt real rejected because when I got clean, everybody in my family wanted me to get clean, you know, because the drug that I used, the drug that brought me to my knees was way worse than what they did but to be real honest my family they all use they still all use but my drug of choice was worse it was so bad you know so you know I had to work through that because for a long time and still you know there are times when I hear my mom and my dad and my brother you know they're going to meet and go to dinner They're actually leaving tomorrow, I think, to go to Las Vegas. And there's a little part of me that's going, dang, you guys are going to go. You know, they do all these vacations together, which I would not do today, thank God. But there's still that little part in me that goes, man, you know, I don't fit in. I don'T fit in I'm the oddball of our family, you Know and that hurts that hurts it hurt when I when I started feeling it hurt when I had to walk through the pain of rejection you know um but the gift is today I'm okay with it I'm okay with who they are I've been able to set boundaries with them and I'm real grateful for where I'm at you know I just kept trudging through all of the pain of the rejection from my family, the, the rejection, you know, I mean, it, all of that kind of made me, it kind of helped form who I had become, you Know, so it's still, I only allowed people in so far because you were going to hurt me. You were going leave me, you weren't really going to be there, you Now, and by the grace of God and taking suggestions from my sponsor and working through this stuff, you know. I've been able to let women in and let them know who I am. You know, I used to think that friendships, that I had to talk to you every single day. And now I realize that, you Know, I may not talk to You but once a month or once every couple weeks, but we're real friends through thick and thin, you Now. And no matter what, you know, no matter when it gets ugly or we have a, you know, kind of a conflict, if you will, or something that comes up that may not feel so good. You know, we get through that and I continue to walk through that because today I do accept who I am in becoming. I know that today that I don't, you know, my best isn't always perfect, but it's my best. and I can accept that today. Once upon a time, I wasn't okay with that. I had to do things the perfect way all the time, and when I didn't, I was crushed. I was devastated because I was a failure, you know, and by, you Know, by the grace of God today, I'm not a failure, and I'm okay, you know? And I have a beautiful daughter. I have a wonderful husband. I have a great marriage. I wasn't capable of that before, you know. Through all of this, my husband and I have real connected relationships. We talk about things. I didn't know how to talk, you now. It got to where I could talk to my girlfriends about real intimate, real hurtful things that really hurt me, that really felt yucky and made me real vulnerable. I could talk to my girlfriends, but I still couldn't talk maybe to him because I was scared he was going to use that against me. You know, but by going through therapy and working with the women in my life and working with my sponsor, you know, I'm able to go to him with those issues today. And we walk through them together and we talk about them. We don't yell and scream and fight like the person that I used to be. You Know, we don't have broken things in our house. That's how it was in my old house, dented refrigerator, broken TVs, my ex threw a motorcycle gasoline tank, not at me, but at the wall or something stupid, you know, that why you do that stuff, you Know, that's not what I have today. But I've been willing to do the work, you know. And when it hurts, I call and I talk about it, you Now, I'm grateful for my life today. And the cool thing I've experienced in the last week is that, you know, I can do anything with God's help. I couldn't do that before. You know, I was too scared. I didn't like, you know, the person I was. Today I like me, you know, and I owe that to this fellowship because I would not be here. I would not be the person that I am. I wouldn't have, the serenity that I feel and the love that I feel for me today is unbelievable you know I wouldn't trade it for a second you know I'm just I'm grateful for the women that are in my life that just keep showing me that it works and keep loving me no matter what you know I'm thankful to be here thanks for letting me share sure thanks for sharing Melissa and now we have Charlie I'm Charlie I've been at from a real good friend Rex there KMA buddy that was real good Melissa and I do remember Melissa when she first came around and it's exciting to see people keep coming and doing well you know when I was hijacked into this you know I'm sitting there thinking well first they told me acceptance and don't know too much about that and then he called me back and said it was self acceptance and I know even less about that but what I do know is that when I do have acceptance you know I have the power to move on you know and the power do the right thing and this is kind of how I got it my story's similar to Melissa's when I got clean I was married and uh and this is humorous and some of you heard it you know i got clean and our relationship went from a using relationship to a real dysfunctional even more so the fact was that i ended up with a job and i was out of town for a weekend and i come back and and my wife at the time had decided we needed to separate which was okay we'd been talking towards that and so she had rented the apartment right next to me so we we were separated but and this is the insanity of just getting clean you know we decided it was okay for me to drill a hole through the wall to her apartment so we could share the cable TV in the telephone you know no insanity you know I mean and this this is where I was when I first got clean I didn't know anything I was dysfunctional you know and I was lost you know I couldn't live on my own because she was living next door so there was still all the benefits of being married but not being married except she slept over there you know but after a short period of time this wouldn't work for me you know and I finally got my own place we got divorced and I was pretty much like Melissa you know when I first got my first apartment by myself I was 42 years old and I couldn't stay in the apartment by myself you know I could I could get up in the morning shower eat breakfast do the dishes go to work and I was okay I could come home meet supper take a shower go to a meeting and I okay I can come home and go right to bed I was okay. I could not stay there for any length of a time by myself and be okay. At that time, I didn't know how much fear I had of me because I had never been with me. And coming around and working some steps, I learned that it was okay for me to be me you know in working the steps I learned out who I was you know and and for those people working the steps I would suggest that you probably don't work the steps quite as slow as I did you know I said on a four-step for three years and you know in that time I became really sick you know I went to a lot of meetings and you know and I did all the the functional things on the outside while I was staying sick on the inside you know and once I worked past that and and I finished the steps and I went through them again I started really becoming kind of what I am today you know a self-centered jerk most the time you You know, and I say that in humor because I see that in myself quite a bit. And it's one of those things I work on. You know today, you know, when I think about self-acceptance I think about the life I live today. You know. Today I'm in the care of three special needs kids. You know and this is by choice. I have gotten remarried again, and I'm married to a great lady because she puts up with me for number one. But we have our problems. We have three adopted kids. And the reason I like to bring this up is because it is so familiar with people in narcotic synonymous. My kids have fetal alcohol syndrome. you know and you know last year about this time was i got my worst heartbreak ever i've got a six-year-old little girl that some of you know that she goes to with meetings with me all the time and she has since we got her when she was one and we were getting the our older boy tested and because we'd had to have him removed from the house because of bad behaviors and we couldn't control him we didn't know why and and we go through the process of the courts to get him in facility to make him safe and this that and the other and we finally get a person that that looks at his history and and and sends us to a person to get tested to get the results you know and we find out he's got fetal alcohol he'll never be able to live on his own and you know i look at a 15 year old boy that that works just like us average 15 year old kid and he functions between five and seven years of age you know and and i you know i have to to look at myself how can i be a care person for this without working on me you know you know I've taken the responsibility to take care of these kids you know and i can't do the old dump and run anymore you know it doesn't work you know I have a conscience today you know and I've got a 14 year old boy that is emotionally handicapped fetal alcohol syndrome he operates between 6 and 9 you know and we were getting the tested on the older boy like I said and I was sitting up here in Fort Wayne and this doctor was telling us and describing to us because I'd heard about it but I didn't know anything about it the the disease and and she was sitting there telling us about symptoms and this that and the other and she grabbed sissy my little six-year-old and says that she has it and you know right then I could punch that lady because she tore my world apart yeah I mean if you want somebody to get hurt just just look at somebody that you've had for a year that goes everywhere with you and boom oh they just ripped my heart out you know and uh you know I did what I've always done with every problem I've had I've come to these rooms you know. I get acceptance through sharing who I really am and what I really go through you know when I get tired of talking about it and hearing myself talk about it I'm ready to move on that means I've accepted whatever that my problem is and it is no longer the problem I'm in the solution and you know and that's for me that's the best way I can say that I get self-acceptance or acceptance on anything is is whatever difficulty I can run into you know I bring it here and this is what was taught to me by coming here you know. And you know life life is life you know you know i i'm not the the drug crazed truck drivers sitting in a in a truck somewhere on some interstate or somewhere hiding in the back of my my sleeper doing the dope crying because i hate doing this i'm lonely i don't want to do this and I don't have a choice, you know. Today, you know, I come in here and I have a choice, you know, and I have a choice to do something with my life today, you know and the path I've chosen is taking care of these kids and you know what I've realized at learning this to take care of them I have to be able to take care of myself, you know i can no longer just be that self-centered person and do what i want if they're going to have any kind of life at all you know and and it's forced me to to relook at me in my life as as as a service position you know you know I am not your normal parent anymore I've got four great kids my youngest daughter biological daughter is graduating Ball State I've got three that's graduated college and she's getting ready graduate college you know I've got four great average normal kids and then now I've got these three and I look at this as you know and I think it says it in the basic text or something is what can I do for you you know you know I have tried to remove my particular wants and needs of self-centeredness as I call it into what can I do to make these kids life just a little better you know you talk about the ones that didn't have the fair shake that's who I look at you know most of us had a choice they didn't and you know and that's where I draw you know The reason why I work the steps to find that acceptance is because if I can't accept me, I'm never going to be able to accept them and their problems on their terms. And I know they don't have the capabilities to accept me on my terms. You know, so this, I mean, this is just where I'm at today with self-acceptance. You know, I've got great people in my life. You know I've gotten a sponsor that I've had ever since I've gotten clean. You know he's just as sick of us as ever but he's a great guy. You know. I've Got Rex sitting right there. You know He's my 530 morning telephone call. You know where do I find sanity? You know? I'm up at that time in the morning. You know and I find Sanity purpose and talking to that other person. you know and and between the two of us we share what's going on in our lives and we try to do that on a regular basis you know in that i can find acceptance with me by by bouncing something off of one other person listen to another person's you know i can sit here and say oh he's really got it bad you know you know and and the admiration i have for that man for what he's been through is tremendous because I don't think I could do what he's done. But, you know, for me, I'd get people to come up and say they can't do what I do. But the reality is if you work hard enough on yourself, the only limitation you have is the limitation you put on yourself. You know? I mean, it's – you know this is just a simple program. You know, everything that we get is real simple to get. it's just real hard to do the work yeah that's really all I have today thanks a lot Thank You Melissa and Charlie for for sharing and we have a little time left so if anyone would like to come up and share, now's the time to do so. Okay. I'm Luke . Simply, I think it was in the fifth step when I started writing on self-acceptance, I learned what that meant. It was in a different step telling me, but it meant that I should be able to accept myself just as I am today but also be able to realize my defects and be able change them in the future, you know. I've been overweight almost all my life and ever since I came into this recovery program I've worked on it a little bit at a time, not excessively, but I haven't gained any weight, you now. I've excessively ate a whole bunch of food. I've limited my eating habits, you kno. I've accepted myself for today and I'm just changing for tomorrow. That's the courage to change, I'll pass. Anyone else? Okay, if not, we'll close with a hug circle, a moment of silence, and a third set prayer. Thank you.