Charles B. – The Insanity of Fixing Others – 1997

My name is Charles. First and foremost, I'd like to thank God for His love, grace, and His mercy. God's love, Grace, and Mercy is why I'm in life. God's Love, Grace and Mercy is why i'm in recovery. Also, I would like to thank the Capital Area Convention Program Committee for inviting me over here to share my experience, strength, and hope on steps one, two, and three to how to program. and before I begin to share my experience I'd just like to read something from the text God grant us the knowledge that we may write according to your divine precepts install in us a sense of your purpose make us servants of your will and grant us bond of selflessness that this may truly be your work not ours in order that no addict anywhere need die from the horrors of addiction. Everything that occurs in the course of NA service must be motivated by the desire to more successfully carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers. It was this reason that we began this book, this work. We must always remember that individual member group and service committees we are not and should never be in competition with each other. We work separately and together to help the newcomer and for our common good. We have learned painfully that internal strife cripples our fellowship. It prevents us from providing the services necessary for growth. It is our hope that this book will help the suffering addict find the solution that we have found. Our purpose is to remain clean just for today and to carry the message of recovery. You know, I'd just like to share that, you know, to keep me in touch with like why I'm here. You know to do God's will and not mine. Also I'd like to say welcome to Narcotic Anonymous. We're glad you made it here. We hope that you decide to stay. It's important to know you're going to hear God mentioned in this meeting and what we prefer unto is a power greater than ourselves make possible death who seems impossible. It's a spiritual principle to help us to live drug free a day at a time and when a day is too long, five minutes at a time. We can do together. We cannot do alone. So we invite you to use our strength and our hope until you have found some of your own. There may come a time when you, too, want to share with someone else what I've been so freely given to you. You know, I came to Narcotic Anonymous in January 1996, and I haven't found a reason or excuse to go back out and use. But prior to getting here, I experienced some things that helped me to understand why it's a need for me to be here. And one of the things I experienced was through my inability to stop using drugs despite negative consequences. The consequences could have been the gas getting shut off, the water getting turned off. The consequences would have been my kids sticking behind Dad's back. The consequences couldn't have been parole officer telling me if I come back with another dirty urine he's going to send me back. You know whatever the negative consequences was I could not stop using drugs, and that within itself is how I got to Narcotic Anonymous. But it wasn't until I got here, man, y'all began to share with me some information like the I must die for the we to live. Y'all begin to share it with me, like get a home group, get a sponsor, and make meetings. And I didn't find them things hard, man. Because when I came here this time, man my butt had been waxed. Like the same dog bit you bit me. So I proceeded to do the things that y'all suggested i do um and we talking about the how the program and i remember man like when i got my sponsor um and what attracted me to my sponsor was it wasn't his joy or his happiness um that attracted meto him or his nice clothes or anything like that it was the way he shared his pain and how he said he got through it and he got to a clean because that's what i needed to hear because when i get here man like i was hurting man You know, the only thing I wanted to do was stop hurting. I didn't know how Narcotic Anonymous was going to work in my life. I didn' t know what to expect. I didn''t know nothing about no steps, no traditions, no concepts, none of that. I just knew that I didn ''t want to use drugs no more. You know? And I thank God for sponsorship. And like when I came around, it was people telling me, some of my friends, they were saying stuff like they had got a sponsor and their sponsor told them don't do nothing but just stay clean for a year. You know, and my thing was, right, if I knew how to just stay clean for a year, then I wouldn't have had no need to be a narcotic anonymous. My thing was if you have the answer to my delimiter, why do I have to sit here a year before you give it to me? So I thank God I had a sponsor that was strictly about work, getting busy. And he proceeded to put me on the steps, man. And we talked about the first step. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable. And really, for me, man, it wasn't hard for the unmanageability part, right? Because it was already evidence through my outside appearance that my life was unmanable. You know what I mean? I was a bum. I was stinking. I had an afro. I had a beard. You know, I was sleeping in abandoned buildings. So that was evident. I knew my life wasn't manageable. But what I had to get in touch with is the surrender piece. You know What I Mean? because where i come from man like on fountain avenue man you know like we we don't surrender we we fight to the bitter end ain't no surrender you know what i mean and i can recall man i can recall like even with my brothers man like tussling with my brother's right and they beating me up throwing me on the ground and i say i surrender as soon as i get up and they turn their back i jump right back on their back again and it was on again you know i mean so so the surrender thing, man, a man in complete defeat, you know what I mean? That's something I really had to get with because I thought, you know, eventually like I would get this thing. I would beat the drug and I would be able to use successfully and I wouldn't have to go through the pain, the institution, none of that stuff. You know what, I made response begin to point out some of the spiritual principles that lie within there and surrender was one. You know what I mean, so I had to like surrender to win, y'all told me. You now what I'm saying, it wasn't like surrender and that's it you know y'all told me like the war is over I no longer have to fight anymore you know I mean so so that concept helped me a little more easier you know for me to surrender to the drugs of addiction you know um not only did I had to surrender but I had to also get some acceptance right that like my using days was over I had lost the privilege to be able to use any more because I have bruised drugs you know what I mean And so once I began to do these things, man, and begin to get a little bit of freedom through my first step, I didn't have to wait until my fourth or fifth step. I don't know about nobody else. You know, freedom came for me in my first steps, right? And the reason why I say that, right, because I remember leaving 26th and Dauphin and North Philadelphia going down to the gallery, right. Because I was one who was locked in a four-block radius. I couldn't get out. So freedom just to go downtown in the gallery and sit down in the food court, right town, and buy me a little McDonald's with a few dollars I had in my pocket and watch people come and go. I began to realize I was beginning to think more about staying clean and less about using. So something was beginning zu happen, and y'all were sharing with me that as I continued to come, an extraordinary transformation would begin to take place in our meetings, and I can't explain how it happened. All I know is it began zu happen. All I knew is that I was showing up at meetings and I was sitting in the back, and the next thing you know, I was sitting up in the middle. Next thing you knew, I would go up front before you knew it. I was at the table sharing my first year anniversary. I just kept coming. God told me to continue to bring the body and the mind to follow, man. You know what I mean? And I began to understand a little bit more and more about the disease of addiction and what the first step done for me to get me out of denial, right, through loving and caring God, man, he gave me a moment of clarity. He allowed me to see the mess I made in my life. And the reason why I say that, because I used to always point the finger. Right? I usedと say stuff like, if my mother-in-law would have moved from North Trenton to Ewing Township, then I wouldn't be in so much trouble. If the police wouldn't have been coming up on the block like planting dope on me or harassing me, I wouldn'T be spending a lot of time in the penitentiary. You know what I mean? But look, but through a loving and caring God, he allowed me to see, look, Joker, ain't nobody make a mess of your life but you. Nobody but you can't blame nobody but you, you understand what I'm saying? So I began to see man, like I began to and understand that look, I didn't want to be that same guy man that used to tell my kids man, look I know it's a special occasion, this day means so much to you, I'm going to be there, I am going to there and the day showed up without it. I didn' t want to continue to be that guy, man. Tell my mother I'm going around the corner to the store. She don't see me for days and weeks and months at a time. I no longer wanted to be that guy. But y'all told me, man, look, change that muscle, die, I will, man." You know what I mean? So I began to understand, man through the spiritual principles of this program that that was going to shape more of my fractal personality and allow me to be the person that I always wanted to be, the person my parents always wanted me to be. You know what I mean? I came in here, man, with a secret indictment hanging over my head, right, and I was in so much denial, right? That I was telling myself, look, I'm not on the run. They know where I'm at. They got my phone number, my address in Philadelphia. I'm coming back and forth to Trenton and Court, you know what I'm saying, in time, right. But when it was time to go for citizenship, I had copped out the five to ten years, but when it were time to show up for citizenship they showed up without it. And my thing was, catch up is pay up. That was my attitude. You know what I mean? That was My Attitude, man. So I thank God for the process of Narcotic Anonymous and the 12 steps, man, because what it has done for me, man It has enhanced the quality of my life. You know What I Mean? So sponsors say, okay, now you're ready to move on to your second step. You know I mean, the second step talks about like we came to believe in the power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity. And for me, man, when I looked up sanity, I described sanity as the inability to accept the truth. You know what I mean? And the reason why I share that, man. Right. Because like I look at my addiction right now, not the user part of insanity, but the things that I did to get one more. I didn't think I was crazy. You know, I mean, I come from a good family. You know how many I went to high school. I had a year of college. You know, I went to trade school. You know people used to say, man you did that, you crazy. I said, you're crazy? I ain't crazy, I got good sense. You know what I mean? But coming in this process, man, I was able to identify with the insanity that was happening in my life. You know What I Mean? And to bring that up to the here and now, right, the insanity, man. And it talks about in our second step, man how like meetings, right? How important meetings is my medicine. I don't know what it is for y'all but meetings is My Medicine. And that's just like going to the doctor for me, right? And the doctor say, look, Charles, take this medicine. You're going to feel better, but don't stop taking the medicine. Meetings. I start going to meetings. I continue to go to meetings, now I'm feeling better, now I want to stop. Crazy. Insanity. Insanely. Having a sponsor, right, and not allowing a sponsor to guide you through the 12 steps of this program. Being in the 12-step program and not taking the steps. Understand what I'm saying? Being in a relationship that you know was over a long, long time ago, but you still want to hold on. Insanity, expecting different results, doing the same thing, expecting different results insanity man you know what i mean so i had to come to believe in the power greater than ourself that could restore me and the hope of this program right was like through you people at first you know i mean y'all was my hope man identification part was seeing people that i knew right that was out there before and seeing them in the rooms of narcotic anonymous and hearing them share of like how where they was and where they are today man that began to give me hope that, look, the same God had me then got me now. I began to believe, man. I began to buy in the process, man, that like under any circumstances, I just can't use, man. You know what I mean? I lost my brother. I just can't used though, man? I'm hurting, man but I just can't us. All the spiritual awareness in the world didn't eliminate the pain I was feeling, man! But I just didn't use. I showed up to the most powerful vehicle, man I reported in and I shared with y'all what I was going through. Y'all didn't give me y'alls opinions. Y'alls gave me y''all experiences, man. Y'ALL SAID, LOOK, CHARLES, IF YOU DO WHAT WE DID, YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT TOO AND YOU CAN get through it clean. AND THAT'S WHAT I DID, MAN. AND I BELIEVE ANYTHING I GO THRU AS LIFE UNFOLDS FROM DAY TO DAY, IT'S NOT JUST FOR ME TO GO THROUSH BUT IT'S FOR ME TO GET THOROUGH IT AND GET THOUSH CLEAN AND COME BACK AND SHARE THE SOLUTION. I'M A FIRM BELiever IN THAT, MAN, I'MA FIRMBELIEVER IN THAT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? So the second step began to restore me. I began to come to believe, man. And even today, man, like restore is an ongoing process. I need to be restored every day because my thinking, man is like whack. My thinking is, look, tell me if this is not insanity. Before me and my man came here, I drunk some coffee, right? Knowing I was getting ready to get on the turnpike, right, and knowing what the coffee was going to do, I got to run to the bathroom. I'm stopping every 15 minutes, right? And then when I get here, I walk past that room over there and I look. I see nothing but coffee. And I ran over there. I was going to the bathroom. I ran up there and got me another cup of coffee. Now all that's going to do is add on to what I'm already bringing out. Insanity. InsanITY. You know what I mean? That's why I need to be restored every day, man. You know how I mean it does? step talks about turning our will and our life over to the care guys who understood him man right um and i didn't know what to expect when y'all was telling me to do this here man all i know is i was following suit you know what i mean um i believe this today man like like god want better for me than i can ever wanted for myself you know and the reason why i share that man because like i wouldn't be putting that poison in my body and slowly committing suicide day in the day out. You know what I mean? Day in and day out, man. And when I think of my third step, man, I think about how God always had me. You know what I mean, how like when I was in them shooting galleries, man and Jokers was running in there and sticking Jokrs up and how I was beating people and nothing wasn't happening to me and how I was getting packages from Jokr's man and messing their package up and then go right back out on a block, you know what I mean? Look, I got in touch with, look, Joker, it wasn't your fast talking or your slick talking. Look, it was my divine intervention that had you all the time. It was my Divine Intervention that had you. You know what i mean? And that's what I began to get in touch with in my third step, man. How loving and caring this guy is and y'all told me to get a guy to my understanding. It ain't got to be the one my mother them gave me. You know because the one they gave me if you do something wrong God gonna strike you down. He's going to strike you down. You understand what I'm saying? So, I began to believe. I began To get some faith, man. You Understand what I'M SAYING? SO, MY THIRD STEP, MAN, RIGHT? I BEGAN TO GROW SPIRITUALLY. AND 3, 7, 11, MAN GO HAND IN HAND BECAUSE NOW I WAS BEGINNING TO GET IN POSITION. GOD WAS TELLING ME, LOOK, JOKE, I WANT YOU TO BE IN POSTITION BECAUS THERE'S SOME STUFF I GOT FOR YOU TO DO. DON'T THINK, LOOK I AIN'T HAD NOTHING BETTER TO do just to get you clean? No, joke. I got some work for you to do. You understand what I'm saying? I begin to get in service. I begin to give back to Narcotic Anonymous, man. And my thing is today, man, ain't what Narcotics Anonymous can do for me. It's what can I do for Narcótico Anonymous? How can I help him make a difference in somebody else's life? That's my prayer today. God, allow me to bring joy to somebody else, spirit. Let me put a smile on somebody else face because he has used you people to do it for me, man! I came here with my head down. You ain't got to be in here with your head down. You can lift your head up now. You can lifting your head man. Humility man. Humility. All you need is willingness in our third step man. Willing to get out of the way and let God do the driving man. Get in the back seat joker. You know what your driving got you? Self-destruct every time. Never fail. You know how that mean? So that's what I pray. And some days it's easy and some days today. You know I mean? Some days it easy and somedays it ain't man. You understand what I'm saying? But I know, man, like when I go in prayer, man Through my third step once again, man And like I don't give God all of it, man Then I don'T get to connect You know what I mean? Like it's always static in my line Because like I still want to hold on You know, look, God, look Let me hold on to the relationship Right? Let me work this out I can control this You know how I mean But you take care of all the other stuff You know why I mean Let me control this You know I mean And that ain't how it go, man Like, it takes, we have to get out of the way completely, man, to get the results. That's what I have found, man. You know what I mean? And I shared with y'all earlier how I had a secret indictment hanging on my head, right? And like five years ago, right, the U.S. Marshal from over here came and got me off my job 6 o'clock in the morning, right. And when I got in touch with, man., up there on that hill in that workhouse, man,, right, that like God was protecting me. He wasn't ready for them people to come get me. You understand what I'm saying? He wanted to shake me and mold me and put me in position so when they did come, right, I would have some credentials. I would had some paperwork. I would the NA fellowship, you know, behind me. You understand I'm sayin'? And they couldn't touch me, right? But they came and got me, man, and they took me up on the hill, and I went to court for sentencing. Mind you, I copped out the five to ten years. You know what I mean? And my only prayer was, when they came and got me out of the human resource office, was, God, I know you ain't bring me this far to let me go. Even though I was hurting, I was hurtin' so bad, right? I still had a little mustard seed of faith, man, right. And when I got up there for the first time in my life, for the 1st time in m y life, I felt out of place, man. When I walked in that door and they put that arm stuff on me, I was like, y'all got the wrong guy, man. I don't supposed to be here, man For the first time, I felt out of place, man You know what I mean? You know, because that's what it changed I was no longer that guy that I used to be Right? And when they took me before the judge for sentencing, man Right? My wife, who I love dearly, man And my dad, man Look, stepped up to the plate Right? They got this chick from down here Robin K And look The same chick that got me seven years when she was a public defender was going to represent me. So now I'm shaking like nervous thirst. Look, this chick, I just got a beard off her. You know how the jokers up there in them jailhouse lawyers telling me she was the bomb down here? So I didn't know. You know what I mean? I didn' t know. But when I went in there, man, right, and I seen my wife, right? And she shook her head like this here. You know What I Mean? I said, Oh, boy, I'm going home. I said I'm Going Home. Right? And the judge began to share with me. And at the end of his sharing, he said, I don't believe I'll see you again. And I said to myself, if you let me go out of here, you won't never have to worry about me again. That's right. And he let me know, man. He let me do it. You know what I mean? God, I'm talking about the God in my understanding, had it worked out all the time. Just get out the way. Just get up the way I got you. I got you. You know what I mean? Look, and I brought into this program, man. I brought it to this program wholeheartedly, man, you know what I mean, under no circumstance can I use, man You know, I mean so I continue to practice man of building a relationship with the guy that my understanding. No, I'm not perfect. Yes, I fall short, but thank God for three seven and eleven man. I could bounce back. Thank God for a support group. Thank God put a fellowship man. Thank God for people, man, who, like, lets me know, look, Charles, you out of line. You out of character, man. You headed for the bump your head, man? You understand? People that are going to tell me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear. And I share with all my friends, and I share it with all the narcotic anonymous, man... If you say you're my friend, then hurt my feelings to save my life, man! Hurt my feelings and save my lives, man!! I may not like it at the time, but I get better and I get over it. You know what I mean? but I mean that, man. I mean that. If any of y'all ever see me going astray, please save my life, man, don't let me die. Don't let be die because I ain't gonna let you die. And that's what this program has afforded me, man This program has afforded me to be able to have some spiritual principles in my life like love, acceptance, open-mindedness, man because y'al told me in my second, man a closed mind can't grasp new ideas You know what I mean? Y'al gave me my hope New ideas, new dreams, man And the literature talks about, man, once the drug go and the added work to program, wonderful things happen. Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise, man. So it's like sky's the limit in this process, man? You don't have to sell yourself short anymore. You know what I mean? Be all you can be, man! If you want to go to school, go back to school! And if you don't succeed, try something else! Go to trade school! You know how I mean, if that doesn't succeed get a job! You know what I mean? Look, don't give up. Don't give Up. Don't Give Up. And I mean that, man. I encourage anybody in here, man, whatever you're doing, be the best at it, man! Be all you can be, man because that's what y'all have given me, man You know, I mean, I'm talking about a person y'al took, man and shaped and molded, man from a bum, man to a responsible, reductive member in society and that's all I ever wanted to be,man I remember crawling out of them bandit buildings, man, like 5 in the morning before they catch me, man. And seeing people going to work saying to myself, ahem, I wish I could do that. Ahem, man I wish that I could go to work every day and get a paycheck on Friday, man and stop preying on people. You know what I mean? Because that's who I was. That's who i was. You know I mean but that's what I did. You know i mean this is who I am. That's what i did to get one more. That's not who I wos. That's now who i am. This is who iam. I'm a loving and caring person, man, that'll give you the shirt off my back, man. You know what I mean? That will go to any length to help you, man as long as you want to help yourself. And I mean that. You know, and I share that with my family members who still caught up in the disease of addiction, man I don't beat them down. I share it with them just like my brother Willie shared with me. When you ready, I'm here for you. And I continue to live by example, man through a lovingly caring God and being a vision of hope Knowing that what God has done for me, he will do for you. I ain't no better, man. Ain't no big I's and little U's up in this cab, man We all equal, man We all igual, man You know what I mean? And I love this program, man It has enhanced my life, man I'm doing stuff, man Like inside Narcotic Anonymous And I'm going to share this And I don't usually share this My dream My dream in Narcotics Anonymous Right Is to be on the World Service Board That's my dream. And I got a nice resume already, and I've been here over nine years. You know what I mean? That's the way it is. That's why it's my name, man. You know why I'm saying that? Because I enjoy giving back, man? I could never repay this program for what it has done for me, man I can't, man I love what I do, man I love when I do I'm going to share this And this is part of the third step I just had a situation the other week on my job where I got a promotion on my job and don't take this wrong, you know what I mean? I'm the only African-American in that position, in that department. And what they did was they booted me out, but the way they went about it, they went about it wrong because they were supposed to go by seniority and there was people under me and I had more seniority than them. And what I did, and it's a direct result of this program was I stood for something and I didn't fall for anything. You know what I mean? And I went to the union and had them represent me because that's why we're paying them. That's why they're taking that money out of my check every month. Faithfully, before I even get it. So do your job This is what you're getting paid for. Represent me to the fullest, right? And when I did that, man, right, my supervisor and them got mad, right. But I know in my spirit I was doing the right things for the right reasons. You know what I mean? Because you wanted me out, right and what happened was me and him got into a clash and I was so angry. I had never been this mad since I've been clean. I was so angry that when I left the job, you know, that it was written space in my head at home. And I was thinking of ways that I could split his wig. Really. And I were serious. Right? And I Was Serious. Right? Because I believe I'm more dangerous clean than I was using. I believe that. You know? Because using took a lot out of me. Clean? Look. I got all my marbles. You know what I mean? But what I did, man, I went home and I made a decision. And I told my wife, and it was on a Friday, and my decision was this. When I go to work Monday and that joker say something to me, I'm going off on it. But I went to a meeting after I shared that with my wife and the meeting was on the third step. God working, right? And I shared where I was at, man, and what I was going through and the rage and the anger and how I wanted to do this and do that. You know what I mean? And to get restored once again, Joker said, look, you go back to jail clean. You lose your job clean. You know What I mean. Your family depend on you. You know, I mean, look best thing to do, turn it over. Give it to God, get out of the way. And when I went back to work Monday, they moved me next door away from them. God. Because he knew what was best for me. You know what I mean? He knows what's best for him more than I know what's better. I think I know. But for real, I don't even have a clue. You know What I mean. So I'm grateful for the 12-step process, man. You know, What I Mean. It has enhanced my personal recovery, man, you know What i mean. It has changed my life and I truly believe that I'm an unfriended product as a direct result of God, this program, and his fellowship. He ain't done with me yet. You know what I mean? I believe that, man. You know, but I want to share this and I'm going to close. And this is found in the basic text on page 265. It says, my life has taken on new meaning and I am able today with the help of the higher power to feel feelings I never allowed myself to feel before. I am more confident, but I know it is God's confidence. I am a more reliant, but I know is God reliance. I am more independent, but I know its God dependency. Today I am free to be exactly who I am because I know whose I am. Thank you all for listening. My name is Nelson Lamanatic, and y'all help me thank Charles. Moving right along. Our next speaker is right here from the Capitol area, and all y'alls know who she is, and I get a joy out of hearing her share. She's going to share her experience, scripting hope on four and five. Would y'ALL help me welcome Michelle? my name is Michelle I'm a recovering addict God I need to say that I did not want to do this I um I went out in the parking lot to get a glass of water and somebody asked me how it was doing and I told him that life showed up oh and he responded what if it didn't you'd be dead. You know, life needs to show up. And that really touched me. It really touched me. I want to thank my sponsor for coming in because I am so nervous, y'all. I'm like really, really nervous. Okay. I think I prayed, but give me a minute. Step four, we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. I've had the honor and the privilege of doing two fourth steps because I've changed sponsors. And in doing my fourth step, I wrote a lot of things down. You know, as I was writing them, I got halfway through the book. I said, this is just too much stuff. She don't need to know all this. But I learned that right to pray and write down whatever comes into my brain. Use an ink pen. Don't cross anything out. Be as honest as possible because I'm helping me. You know, so my first four-step was a lot about the drugs and what the drugs had did to me and what I had done to me because of the drugs. You know? My second four-stepped, I was able to get in touch with some childhood issues that robbed me. a lot of days of peace um a lot of my childhood issues were about my mother you know um at three my parents made it just my dad made a decision to take me away from my mother and he raised us as a child I needed her and I wanted her she was not there um this is real painful for me today because my mom is she's sick today and um i'm trying to share without a whole lot of tears but i guess i really need to cry you know um and then right in that first step i talked about what it was like to not have a mother in your household how when you came home from school and there was nobody there to tell what happened during the day how how you have a father that's there and you have a grandmother that's here but ain't nobody like mommy you know um and i thought i had got better with it you know what i'm saying on monday i have 13 years clean or monday or mondays And I went through this. I was going through this recovery process, and everything was everything. You know, I'm blessed with two children. I have a husband. I have everything that I desire. And, like, I didn't have mommy issues. When my mom called, I was able to go. When she asked for something, I gave it to her. If she wanted me to get out of my bed and go to the store, I did it. If she called me and asked me at 10 o'clock at night to come put the club on her car, I did it because she was my mother. That's what you're supposed to do because I'm blessed to have one. And I've been around here long enough to know that a lot of people don't have them anymore. And I didn't want to stand over her coughing and say, I wish I could or should or would have. A lot of days during my addiction, I Did some things to my mom that I ain't proud of. So I says, well, what you can do is you can make some amends by just showing up. So I showed up and like last August my mom was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer that had spread it to her lungs and her liver and her lymph nodes. And in January the doctor said it spreaded to her brain. My mom, it was in no pain at all. But in her life, she had a hard life that made her hard. And some days she can be real mean. And she can say some things that hurt your soul. But you show up because she's mommy. You go because the 12th step tells you to show up for people because you never know who you're going to need. If you don't invest in your life, when you need something, you get nothing back. So I showed up. They put her in the hospital last week and I stayed every night with her because that night was really bad for her. She tried to get out of bed. It was unsafe for her, but every day she just hurt me. and then um they put her in a nursing home because she needed some physical therapy and at the nursing home she said some things to me that brought up those old childhood issues i went home to take care of my kids and she said to me you weren't here when i needed you My response was You wasn't there when I needed you I didn't want to say that I don't want To be mean to my mother You know in spite of What she say And what she do I got the answer for my response I got to answer For my reaction I thought I was better With those issues i thought those issues was all over with y'all until i'm faced with them and each time she don't do what i expect her to do those resentments come back and i want to lash out i want her to hurt as i heard it as a child but the god i served don't allow me to feel good if i say anything that's disrespectful. I immediately have to apologize, even though what she's doing is hurting. I have no right to say that. I've learned today as a parent that you make choices for your children that are best for you. And my parents did what they thought was best for me when I was three. Today at 46, I know in my heart they did the best they could do. I can no longer walk around with anger and resentment of 43 years ago. I got to somehow find some peace within so I can show up for my mom because she needs me. And I know I can do it. But what my prayer is though when i'm on my way to her is god please give me some peace please allow me to be the daughter that i'm capable of being don't allow me to disrespect her don't allowed those childhood issues to surface and i've become crippled and mean and angry you know um it's it's hard it's easier said than done when when i am in the middle of it you know and she's lashing out because life has been so mean because she's made some decisions in life that today she's by herself you know as we travel through this road of life we have to make decisions that are good for tomorrow and sometimes we don't and the consequences ain't always good i do believe you reap what you sow in this world you know you get back what you put out. And I don't have to suffer alone with my mother's process. I just need to be there and add some comfort to it, you know? And in doing my fourth step, I came to realize that my dad ain't perfect. You know, as a child, I saw my dad as a superhero. You Know, he didn't hurt. He was always there. He showed up no matter what, you Know, but he has his faults and he has is wrong. He's human. He's a man, you know, and nobody is going to be like him. He's unique, you now, and I've gotten a whole lot better with that. I don't expect my husband to be like my dad as often as I did before. You know, it's hard when you had a good father to raise you and show you what a dad or husband is supposed to do and your husband falls short of your expectation that he's not aware of, you know. It's hard. It's real hard. You know, I often share about the burdens that the African woman carries from slavery where our mate could not defend us. So we felt like he had let us down. So today as African-American people, we misjudge our mate. We treat them as harsh and as cruel as the world do. We forget that his home is his kingdom, and when he come in, he need to have peace, irregardless to what's going on in society. You know, and that's just how I feel. You know what I'm saying? Like, in my four-step, I've learned that, like, I have women's shoes to walk in. Like, I am a woman. I'm not a daddy. I'm Not a father. I'm NOT a husband. I am a wife and a mother and a woman, and I have a role. And when I step out of that role, it becomes uncomfortable. I have turmoil within myself, and I've learned that in my force that if I just be me, be me. A woman, an African American proud woman that comes from a proud group of people. I'll be okay. God has provided me with a husband that provides for me. Just let him be a husband, Michelle. irregardless of those demons that rob you of your peace. You ain't got to rob him of his because he ain't there. You know, a lot of days I struggle within, you know, because I want to take charge. You know? I want it to be in control. I want fix it. I want make it all better. I want do God's work. you know and in trying to do god's work i fall short and then i start being have a whole lot of self-pity low self-esteem kick in where you ain't good enough you ain'T worthy of it you know all those things that were told to me as a child start to surface but i know that i am good enough and i knowthat i am worthy if i just walk in my shoes you know you know And the fifth step, we admit it to God and to ourselves, another human being, the exact nature of our wrong. Like I have never struggled with step work. I'm not a first-time winner in this process, and using a couple times and coming back and forth in and out, I knew that NA had the answer. So when I came back, I did what I was told to do. There wasn't no suggestions. People that's coming along today, y'all get suggestions. My sponsor told me to do the step work. Get a piece of paper and a pencil and pray and sit down and do some writing so you can get to know you. And after you get to Know Yourself, pray and then bring it on over to my house So I can get to know you. You know, so that way when you go through mommy situations, when you goes through job situations, when you going through wife situations, I can show you the part that you're playing in it. Because you do play a part in it, Michelle. Like I know you think you perfect because you ain't using no more, you ain' tricking no more. You ain't stealing as much. So today you think your perfect. You know? Because like I think next year my spouse will be celebrating 20 years. So she's been around here long enough to hear my perfection, you know, to know that I do think I'm perfect. And I'm a caretaker and I can fix everybody. You know, I can make it better if you just do it my way. Why won't you do it My Way? You see your way don't work. if you just listen to me you'll be okay why you got to pray why you got to make a meeting just listen to me I can fix it so when I when I started when I got finished my fourth step and I went to my sponsor with my fifth step and I was able to share with her how I felt about life you know um life in the past and um how i felt that life had treated me so so bad you know everybody was just so mean to poor me you know every situation i was in i was such a victim you know if everybody just set out to hurt me why would they do me like that how could he just cheat on me you Know and she said well where was you at when he was cheating I was cheating Where were you at when you went in the store And the merchandise got in your pocketbook You know like I showed up for a lot of pain A lot of days I went and I knocked on the door For the pain In the beginning of going to get the pain I heard a voice An inner voice say don't go As often as I went That voice got real quiet It turned into a whisper, but it was still there. And my sponsor reassured me that if I continue on this path that I was on, I could hear the voice loud again. So the day when I get ready to steal those batteries out of CVS, I can hear the Voice. Today when I got ready to cheat on my husband because my flesh tell me I'm not getting the things that I desire because of the drug use that I've had, I hear that voice that say, if you just hold on today, it'll be better tomorrow. Committing a sin today will not save your soul tomorrow. At 46, you need to be concerned about where you're going when you leave here. You know, I'm more closer to death than I am to life. You know, I'm not superstitious, but I really don't want to suffer once I leave here. And today I make decisions that promise me a level of paradise if I continue on this path. And a lot of days my flesh just screams at me like, hey, hey. I'm here. You forgot about me? Come on. We won't get high if we do this. We don't have to smoke crack to do this。 We don't have to take a drink to do this. Just check into a motel. Nobody will ever know. Nobody will never see you, but I'll know. And I've done some wrong in this process. I know how your spirit is whipped where you can't sleep at night. Everybody in the house is snoring but you. You're sitting up trying to go to sleep. You know, where your insides say you did wrong. Call your sponsor. You're only as sick as your secrets. Tell somebody. I don't want to be there anymore. So I pray and I ask God to remove what's troubling me. And most of the days he's able to remove it. A lot of days when my spirit is not set right, it's because of the the inner being you know the part of you that um that crave the wrongness in life you know and like i i struggle not as often as i used to but i do struggle with it i'm able to call my sponsor and she'll say remember in the fifth step when you talked about this or the fourth step the third step the sixth step the seventh step she said why are you still here like how many times you want to go through this before you get some outside help don't you hear what you're saying don't your realize that you need some professional help to get through this like you can't do this alone you know a lot of days it's hard to admit that I can't fix me because I do so good with fixing other people. So I think, you know, a lot of days being the type of profession that I have and being a mother, you get into the fix-it role. You know, everybody come to you to make it all better. You know? Being in recovery, the family calls you up and asks you to fix Johnny because he just won't stop using. Make Johnny better. You know, go over there and talk to Susie. She stole her mother's pocketbook last night. Remember when you stole mine? You don't steal it no more. Can you go fix them? You know what I'm saying? So what you do, you call them up and you try to talk to them and they might get a day or so where they don't still and then the family think that you did it. You know? And I'll say, I didn't do that. God did it all, baby. It's okay. I know you fixed them. You know it? And then what happens is you start to carry that. I forget to be humble. I forget to be humble in this process because God has been so good to me. He's blessed me. You know, I am truly, in spite of everything that's going on, I am so, so blessed today because I didn't use. You know? And I'm beginning to realize I want to thank, I've called you Willie Berry Brothers so much, I don't even know your name, Charles. I wantto thank Charles for sharing about meetings because I get in this, um, process here with my mom and like, I need to say my sister had a stroke two weeks ago where she's lost short-term memory and her speech is impaired. And, like, prior to her having the stroke, she was the one that took my mom to and from chemo, you know. And my mom was so mean to her and to my sister thinking her mom caused her to have the stroke. You know, talk about denial. If you have high blood pressure for five years and you don't take the medication, you're going to stroke out. You know, it was just the situation added on to it and made it worse. But, you know, my sister and my mom, they don't use drugs, but we all have those defects of character where we need to blame somebody, you know, because my mom don't have cancer because she smoked for 40-something years, and you know what I'm saying? It's not because of the lifestyle and the chemicals and the poisons that this earth has given us. She has cancer. you know it's because of somebody has done something wrong you know so we you know we need to find a reason why things are going wrong in our life instead of taking ownership for it you know I was able to share with my um a girlfriend of mine the other day um and I was telling her that like I used a lot of different type of drugs you know um so I thought it was drugs. Some of it was sheetrock, some of it was soap. You know, I'm hearing the day that it was embalming fluid. You don't like I ingested these things into my body. So there's a price to pay for that. Down the road, I have a price to pay. So when that price show up, I need to take ownership of the part that I played in it. You're not like I was and I still smoke right and um my mom's smoking like she was in a nursing home and um the other day the nursing home called me and they told me that um i had to come get her because like at 11 o'clock at night she was going out because the nicotine had called her and told her to come my mom couldn't couldn't rest she had no rationalization at all to realize that she could not go out at 11 o'clock at night and smoke a cigarette. And when I went to pick her up and I came home, my kids said, Mommy, why grandma home? She ain't well yet. And I said because she wanted to smoke a cigaret and it was against the law. And my son said, Well, I guess that's what you're going to do too, huh? You know, and I made a conscious decision that I need to quit, because I don't want to do that to my kids. You know, I don�t want to hurt them like that. It's just so powerless when you have to watch somebody die. And you can't change it. You can't fix them. You just got to be there. Okay, thank you. It's like, it's hard. But I got a chance today to make things a little bit better in my life. So I need to make some choices today. You know, this recovery process have afforded me a life today where I no longer want to take most poisons to hurt myself. You know, I still crave the cigarettes, you know, but as far as drinking and doing illegal drugs today, I just don't want to do it. I remember like 12 years ago wanting to use really, really bad in this process. And I make meetings every day and it passed. Another time in this recovery process, it was six days every single day I wanted to use. I smelled the drugs. I tasted drugs. I made a meeting every single Day and I prayed and I cried and people talked to me and it passed today. I don't want to use, you know what I'm saying? Like I don'T have a desire to use so I believe in my heart that if I do what I did with the drugs as far as the cigarettes i'll be able to do it you know what i'm saying but a lot of days it's it's like god i don't want to want a cigarette you know but i understand that i understand the power of prayer you know god can do for me but for what i can't do for myself and that's all i have to share my name is nelson