Can I Just Drink Until I Need Glasses? – Ralph W.

My name is Ralph White, and I'm an alcoholic. Thank you, Beth. I'd like to thank the Florida State Convention for asking me to come out and share my experience, strength, and hope. And thank all of you for showing up today. It is a distinct privilege and an honor to get the opportunity to show up anywhere for Alcoholics Anonymous. This committee has been remarkable. I don't see the guy to pick me up from the airport, Eddie, but if he's here, I really want to thank him, especially Aaron for his diligence in staying on top of me, and I'm sure on top of all other speakers in getting us out here. I want to thank this remarkable committee, many of whom don't get an opportunity to come in here and see what's going on on the inside. And it's lots of people like the committee members in Alcoholics Anonymous. Many of you guys are citizens. You're not there right now. Alcoholics Anonymous, like most of you know, symbolize, we have a symbol, a circle and a triangle. And that triangle represents, that triangle is unity, recovery, and service. Unity, that's the fellowship. That's what we're doing now. I bring my body to the meetings. Recovery treats my mind, and that's the 12 steps. And I take my recovered spirit and I put it in the service. I'd like to call those people the shadow soldiers, the ones that operate out of sight. I'm doing what I like to think of as the spotlight work in Alcoholics Anonymous. Everybody's looking at me and the spotlight is on me, and somebody is sitting out there probably thinking they can't wait till they get up here and they know they can do a better job than the guy that's up there. And then there's the people who know the real fruits of this program, shadow soldiers. They're the ones who sit on committees, don't get the thank yous, they get the complaints, they wear the volunteer tags, and, you know, they open up on a Wednesday night, they open up the meeting hall, and they fire up the coffee pot and they wait for Ralph White to show up. They sit on the phone lines and they take the hotline calls and they wait for Ralph White to call. And they set up functions like this so that people like me... can show up and have a good time and recharge our recovery and go back to where we go. And a lot of times they go unnoticed, and I'm so grateful for the men and women in Alcoholics Anonymous that do the work in the shadows and wait for Ralph White to show up. And I thank you for my life, I really am appreciative. And if you don't hear it enough, if what you get most of the time is the complaints, you know, people who do do, people who... I'll leave it alone, but the doers already know, and I, if nobody else tells you on behalf of the rest of us, I want to let you know your work is appreciated, and I'm glad you get to see a meeting, Beth. I don't know if it's the right one, but I'm glad you had one. I had enough of the preliminaries, you know, I was convinced you guys that I was raised right, I got mannered, but I want to do the most important thing I can do today, most important thing any of us ever do. And I don't know if anybody's here who fits the... the description, but I want to welcome our new friends to Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're sitting out there, and you're wondering what this deal is all about, and maybe somebody drugged you here, and maybe somebody convinced you to come, and you're sitting up thinking, shh, man, I wish I could be anywhere else on a Friday afternoon except sitting in a meeting at Alcoholics Anonymous. Or maybe you might be sitting in a meeting like I was in those early days. I want to let you know, if you drink like I drank, if you felt like I felt, if you've ever done some of the things I've done, this is probably the best step you can take from the cradle to the grave. And I don't say it because I'm the speaker, I don't say it because it's the right thing to say when you get behind a podium. I don't say it because it's what everybody else says when they get up here. I say it because this program, this process, and this power that you introduced me to has been working in my life like nothing else I've discovered. You might be sitting out there new, and I remember sitting out new listening to a speaker standing up front, in front of the group. You know, and his hair was combed, his nose was combed, his eyes were combed. When his eyes were bright and he was stringing sentences together real well, and I remember thinking to myself back then, I know this cat ain't been where I've been, I know he ain't felt what I've felt, and I know he ain't done what I've done. What can this lame tell me? So it's real important that I let you know that the man that's standing in front of you this afternoon is not the same one that stumbled into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous October 11, 1986. I'm going to share with you in a general way what I used to be like, what happened, and what I'm like today in the hopes that somebody sitting out there will be thinking like I was thinking. Man, I used to do the same things. I used to feel the same way. I'm more important. I, too, want to have this thing. Quick bio, I grew up in South Central Los Angeles. I grew up in the heart of Watts. I'm one of six boys. We stayed in a little two-bedroom apartment. Moms and pops stayed in one room. Six boys stayed in three bunk beds in the other room. Earliest memory of my old man was he was an alcoholic, and I didn't want to be like him. Now, my father. My father wasn't abusive, and my father wasn't violent. My father was an absentee drunk. And every other Friday, like clockwork, you knew he would not be at home with a check. It would be a kid in the neighborhood who would feel like it was his duty to come and inform my family how my old man had been performing up at the pool hall the previous Friday or Saturday night. And I feel ashamed and embarrassed, and those are feelings I'm familiar with from a real early age. Pops got put out the house when I was eight or nine years old, and Moms proceeded to raise six boys by herself. Don't know about you guys, but I always had. When I grew up, ideal family life, I think it was depicted by TV programs, and I'll date myself. The TV programs at the time when I was growing up that showed ideal families, Father Knows Best, My Three Sons, Ozzie and Harriet, Leave it to Beaver, Donna Reed, and, you know, Bev wasn't none of that jumping off at my house. You know, when you're grown, you get something that's called perspective. And perspective works like this. You got a mom that raised six boys by herself. Old Southern Welfare sister, and she was on, you know, she was on welfare at the time. Old Southern Baptist sister, on welfare at the time. You know, and raising these six boys by herself. She put herself back through high school. She put herself through college. She worked two jobs. She took in clothes that she washed and ironed for other folks. And when you're grown, you look back on your life and say, damn, I had a hell of a mom. Look how she sacrificed. Sacrificed the raise of boys. But when you're a kid, about nine or ten years old, and you're coming home from school on a Wednesday afternoon with a couple of partners, and you hit the front door, mom's is in the living room with an ironing board up and a rag on her head, you don't feel proud. You feel ashamed and embarrassed. And if your name is Ralph, you start living in that prison I've lived in much of my life. Prison I live in sometime today. And that's the prison of what I think you think about me. See, I don't know what you think about me, but I'm trapped in what I think you think about me. And I'll do whatever it takes to shape and form and mow your opinion around. I'll whine you, I'll dine you, I'll woo you, I'll con you, I'll bully you, I'll manipulate you, I'll buy you. Please like me. Now, I don't particularly have to like you, but please like me. Before we get too confused about what we got going on this morning, let me throw a disclaimer out there. Somebody is sitting there thinking to themselves, this guy might be an all right speaker. He's looking around the room, making eye contact with everybody. Don't let that fool you. I'm looking for the person whose attention is drifting, look like you're going to sleep. I'm going to work on you. You'll like me before this is over with. Trapped in what I think you think about me. To our new friends, you know. And so, you know, when I get into this part of my story, I'm always, you know, because, yeah, I came up in South Central Los Angeles. I wouldn't have changed the way I grew up for nothing in the world. Wouldn't I have changed it? So, I don't want you to get. The wrong impression. This is a poor guy from the wrong side of track. We were poor. You know, we used to go next door to use the neighbor's telephone. First car that we ever had in my house was the car I bought when I graduated from high school. You know, but I wouldn't have traded the way I grew up because sometimes you don't know what you miss until you've grown and you try to give. I didn't know. I didn't know. I was the kid that went to sleep on Christmas Eve with all my clothes on because I couldn't wait for Christmas Day. Now, I didn't know Miles was making $30 or $40 stretch for six kids. You know, that was her Christmas budget. And I might get a glove or we get some board games, Chinese checkers, dominoes or something, you know, but it was a lot of love in my house. You know, it was a lot of my mom cooked and we were a big family and I never knew a lonely moment. And baseball was my game. I love Steve when he was sharing the other day. You know, baseball was my game. And me and my brothers, all of us made up the infield and one of my brothers played left field. So, I never knew a lonely moment, you know, and I couldn't imagine being anybody other than myself. So, I'm not here to report that I'm an alcoholic because I come from, I'm the product of a broken home. Look around the room. There's plenty of people in here that grew up with both parents in the house. I'm not here to report that I'm an alcoholic because I'm a poor guy from South Central Los Angeles. Look around the room. You know that ain't the reason. I'm not here to report I'm an alcoholic. I'm not here to report I'm an alcoholic because we didn't have no money. Somebody in here grew up with a silver spoon. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not here to report I'm an alcoholic because I'm a short guy. There's some big guys in here. I'm not here to report I'm an alcoholic because I'm a man. There's plenty of women in here. I'm an alcoholic for two reasons and two reasons only. One, when I take one, I can't tell you when I'm going to stop. Two, when I sincerely don't want to start again, I start again anyway. I'm bodily and mentally different. That's it. That's all. The rest is my story. And my story is my story. My story goes a little bit like this. Every single one of you had me in your classroom. I was usually class president or student body president. I was a straight-A student. I was teacher's pet. I played ball. I made all-stars. On the outside, I should have been okay. On the inside, I've always felt like if you really knew me, you wouldn't like me. Yeah, I was teacher's pet. Yeah, I was a straight-A student. I would have traded it all in if I could have just been cool. If I just could have been cool. The speaker this morning, he talked about that. Steve talked about that. Bob Darrow talked about that. If I just could have been cool. See, because the cats who was cool, you know, I see some of you sitting out there right now. You were the one in the bathroom, smoking cigarettes, shooting dice, taking quarters from guys like me that brought extra quarters, and you knew how to talk to girls. And girls were a mystery to Ralph. And I'm growing up, and I'm not going to be my daddy. I'm growing up. It's the 60s. It's a turbulent time. It's a changing time. And I'm caught up in it. And I'm going to be somebody. And I'm going to make a difference in my community. And I'm going to make a difference in this world. And I really have big dreams, big goals, big hopes, and big ambitions. And I guess that came from my mom. She's a remarkable lady. And she's a big part of my story. But I'm growing up like that. Now, although my father was an alcoholic, I never saw the effects of alcoholism in my house. My father, when he was with us, he drank away from home. Then he got put out the house. I never saw a drink take place in my house. Now, on Saturday mornings, I can remember some of them Saturday mornings when he was still with us. My mom in their room, going up under the bed. With a broom. And the Ripple bottles clinking together as she'd pick them in a big brown bag and take them outside. But that's the closest I got. My mom never drank. I felt the effects of alcoholism, but I never saw it. And so I grew up thinking I'm not going to be my daddy. And I won't touch anything. So I'm sick. I'm growing up. I'm not doing anything. And Alcoholics Anonymous, I found out I'm a late bloomer. You know, this is the only place. I got a couple of home groups at home. My first home group is 9604 South Figueroa Street. My home group right now is Back to Basics. Back to Basics group in South Central Los Angeles. Got a couple of members here from that group, I'm glad to say. You know, but I come from one of them hard groups, you know. When I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous is the first place I came to where folk try to out-bottom each other. You know, and I like the interesting stories. I wanted a penitentiary story without going to their pen. You know, that's me. But anyway, but I'm a slow guy in Alcoholics Anonymous. I haven't touched anything. Now, I'm 16 years old. I still haven't touched anything. Now, I get a girlfriend at 16. Now, check this out. Ralph with a girlfriend don't mean the same thing it means for some of you, because Ralph with a girlfriend at 16 simply means this. I ran with a group of dudes that went with the same group of girls. One of my boys broke up with this girl. I waited a little time to pass. I told my other boy I want to go with her. He wouldn't ask her. He came back and told me. She said, yes, now I got a girlfriend. You know. But Ralph don't do girls. Check this out. This is my official girlfriend. If you would ask her who do you go with, she would have said Ralph. I had had other girlfriends before, but this one actually knew she was my girlfriend, right? Remember them old rotary phones? You know, remember? And check this out. This is me with my official girlfriend. I call her on the phone. That seventh number would come around, seemed like it would come back in slow motion, and terror would set in, because I knew what would have to happen when she answered the phone. It's the phone. You've got to talk, right? I didn't have no conversation with my girl. I'd just hang up on her, click. You know, I'm doing that. . This particular night, I go out with my girlfriend, me and an older partner of mine, him and his girl in the front seat of the car he's driving, me and my girl in the back seat. We go to a drive-in movie. Plastic cup of rum and coke comes to the back seat this particular night. And I drank that rum and coke down, and it went down real warm, and seemed like it rushed back to the top of my brain, and all of a sudden, Ralph's hands started doing things they had never done. My mouth started saying things it had never said. I had arrived. Alcohol did for me what I couldn't do for myself. It gave me the courage to do and to be and to say things I wouldn't do, be, and say without it. And I liked it. I liked it a lot. You know, the big book Alcoholics Anonymous talks about me in lots of places. And it starts talking about me in the front of the book. In the doctor's opinion, there's a line in there that jumped out at me the first time I saw it. Men and women like me drink essentially for the effect produced by alcohol. Recognize the first time I saw it. Unlike some of the other speakers, I'm not overnight alcoholic. That first time I took a drink. I got a warm, tipsy feeling. Kissed and licked and sucked on my girl in some places I had never done before. And that's how my drinking stay. You know. That's how I would drink. I would drink to go out on the weekends to have a good time. This is 16 years old. Am I drinking? I'm drinking what youngsters drink at that time when I go to parties. Annie Green Springs, Boone's Farm, Tyrolia, Spaniata. You know what youngsters be drinking. And so I'm drinking. I graduated from high school in 71, and I graduated to higher education in every sense of the word. I understand we talk about this disease being progressive in nature, because that's how it showed up for me. You know. In 71, when I went off to college, I'm still just drinking on the weekends at parties. By the end of 71, I'm drinking during the day on the weekend to get ready for the party. By 1972, I'm drinking, and I'm drinking not only on the weekends, but I'm drinking during the week after class, and I've added some non-addictive marijuana to the mix now. By the end of 72, I'm drinking. And I'm drinking. And I'm drinking. And I'm smoking herb. And I'm selling herb. By 1973, I'm drinking. I'm smoking herb. I'm selling herb. I'm doing other drugs. I'm doing it on a daily basis. And you couldn't have told me it was anything wrong with the way I was living. Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous talks about at a certain point in my drinking career, I won't be able to tell the truth from the false. And the way that that worked for me is this. In the way that I'm doing it, isn't that the way everybody does it? Why would you be young, with a bright future, with a little bit of money? I was given financial aid. Didn't chasing women and getting loaded come with the territory? In those days, man, if you came over my house and I couldn't offer you something to drink or something to smoke, I wasn't being a good host. And if I went over your house and you didn't do the same for me, not only weren't you being a good host, I wasn't coming over your house no more. For what? I didn't have nothing to discuss or nothing to talk about. And no disrespect to our young friends. I'm not talking about new friends. I'm talking about young friends. I'm glad I grew up in the era I grew up in. I came up at a time it was changing. It was a lot of stuff going on. It was changing. It was going on in this country. It was free love, free sex, free, I mean, it was just, it was that time, you know. And I got a lot of respect for a lot of you guys in here. You guys get to the podium and you can tell with precision what happened when you took that first drink. It eased this knot and it filled this hole and it took away this pain. You know, and I be like, sometimes I listen to you and I just marvel, because if you like me and you away from home for the first time. And you just, you, you this wild dude that's locked up in this square persona and you've been waiting to bust out all this time, I mean, it's just what you do. You don't live in the dorms at this major university and be somebody that's rolling the way out. It's just what you do. It didn't have, I didn't need a special reason or a special, it's just what you do. And I came up in that era, man. You know, so I'm, I'm, I'm at this major university and, and somebody bring me back. I'm, I'm a go over here to the side for a minute, you know, and then I'm a need to come back. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous four times before I came to stay. And the way that I used to go to meetings the first times I came, because I'm a good mimic and I'm a good chameleon, so I memorized stuff that other people say. And I would listen to a speaker share, someone like me. And I would pick out what sounded to me like the most profound things they said. I'd go to a meeting tomorrow night, make sure the speaker's not there, not too many of you guys. I would repeat what the speaker said. I'd tack on and keep coming back. And I thought if I claimed it from the podium, it would be true in my experience. And I kept getting loaded, kept getting loaded, kept getting loaded. I couldn't identify with any of you guys' stories. There's some thin lines in Alcoholics Anonymous, there's lots of them. And one of the thin lines that's the key to being able to hear in our lives. And that's what I'm trying to do. When we're in our rooms, it's just a thin line between comparing and identifying. I will read the stories in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I would always compare myself as opposed to identifying. And I'd always come up short. I'd read Bill's story. And I'd read it. And Bill was an older white guy, you know we don't have that in common. You know Bill was a veteran of foreign wars, I'm a Vietnam era draft dodger. You know Bill was a Wall Street stockbroker, check out the way I handle money. You know. Bill Wilson and his story talked about there had been no real infidelity. He missed me on that one too. You know, so I had lots of differences. And when I came back to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to stay, some people taught me how to read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And they said, Ralph, the same way that you read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is the same way that you listen to our members share their stories when they get up at a meeting and share. When you read the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and when you listen to our members share their stories, ask yourself three or four questions. Ask yourself, did I drink like he drank? Did I think like he thought? Did I feel like he felt? Or did I do what he did? And when I read Bill's story in the light of those questions, I found my story. Bill and his story talked about the drive for success was on. I proved to the world I was important. I'm at this major university. I'm with cats who were going to be professional athletes. I'm with people who were going to be business leaders and political leaders in my city and in my state and in this country. I'm with people who were later on going to be captains of industry. And I'm going to be right with them. And the drive for success was on. I proved to the world I was somebody. I'm not my daddy. And just like Bill, drink started taking a more important and exhilarating part in my life. I'm rolling with these people at this school. Bill talks a little different than me. He said something else. He said little did he know from this alloy of drink and speculation, from this combination of his drinking and his thinking, he would later forge a weapon that would turn on him and cut him to ribbons like a boomerang. I don't talk like that. My grandmother has a shortcut way of saying that. You know. She just said. I always start out like fun. You know. And that. Trouble. I always start out. And it was big fun for me. You know. I'm rolling with these people, man. We're doing this deal. And that's how it's going to be. You know. And so somehow. And I stagger through school. You know. And somehow I get up out of there. I get into the work force. Even though I start working and having the kind of job that should have allowed me to acquire what normal people acquire. I never did that. Snapshot aroused life. This is when alcohol was a thing. I never did that. I never did that. I never did that. I never did that. I never did that. I never did that. I never did that. I never did that. Snapshot aroused life. This was when alcohol was working. I buy a car. And I make exactly 3 car payments. Then come finding. First time I had a car repossessed I had to call LAPD. I'm 9 months behind on the car note, right? I call LAPD. You know. I want to report a store. And they do whatever they do. No, Mr. White. The rightful owner just came and picked up the stuff. The next few times I didn't even bother calling because I already knew. I'm the kind of brother that never had a problem balancing my bank book. Payday I got money. Two days later broke. Zero. balance in my bank book. I stayed in the crib from 1976 to 1979 without paying rent. A couple of baffling features about the disease I suffer from and one of them is this. I can't see my relationship with alcohol until I'm free of it. I can't see what it's doing to me when I'm in the mix. So some of the things that are crystal clear to me now in the rearview mirror of experience were not at all clear to me when I was going through them. One fact stands out real clear to me about the days when I thought alcohol was working. I used to go to work for two weeks to live for two days. That's it. That's all. I lived a party. And I can't tell you the day or the time or the hour. I can't tell you where I was or what I was doing when alcohol ceased to be a luxury for me and became an essential. I can't tell you that it did happen. I'm one of them poor souls that come in Alcoholics Anonymous and I played a regret game. I sit in the rooms and I think back on my drinking career and I think to myself if I only knew then what I know now I never would have took the air right. Reminds me of a story I like to tell about a little boy named Johnny. And Johnny had a habit his father frowned on. Johnny used to like to play with himself. Father goes to work one day comes home early. Little Johnny's bedroom doors closed. Father opens the door without knocking. Sure enough little Johnny's in the bedroom masturbating. His father looks at him and says son I thought I told you if you keep doing that you'll go blind. Little Johnny looked at his dad and said well daddy can I just do it till I need glass? You know. I like that story. It reminds me of me in the life. I see you going down. You going down. You going down. I'm just gonna do it till I need glass. And the book talks about seeking the Lord companion. It wasn't long before I became the Lord companion. And it's not enough time for me to tell you all the things that should have been signs along the way that I was having a problem with this deal alcohol. I got married on a Saturday afternoon in April of 1980. I had a bachelor party tonight before my wedding. None of the guys at the bachelor party are getting married tonight. next day. All of them have sense enough to go home at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm still at my bachelor party until 7.30 in the morning, me and my brothers, right? They pour me in bed at 7.30 and get me up at 10 o'clock for my 1 o'clock wedding. I'm tore up. I'm tore up. You know, I'm tore up in one of those lay on the bed and stop it from revolving kind of deals. You know, I'm laying there throwing up stomach lining. I'm tore up. You know, I'm supposed to say my own vows at this wedding. So I stagger in little wedding and my then wife-to-be took one look at me stumbling and she looked at the preacher and she said, scratched on vows, said a regular on his ass, right? So now my lines are cut to two words. We get into the ceremony. I'm standing there. I get ready to say, he gets to me, I get ready to say, I say, and threw up all over. Have not taken a wedding picture to this day. Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. New friends, if you're anything like me, when I first hit the rooms, I'll call it synonymous. Although I recognized all the words they were saying in the meetings, the way they use them in the rooms is not the way I use them in my everyday walk around vocabulary. They were talking about a psychic change and this phenomena of craving and this allergy of the body. First time I heard any of those, I needed some help with them. But the first time I heard, pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, didn't need no help with that one. Folk like us don't need a dictionary for pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I lived pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization up close and personal and I lived it over and over and over and over again. See, I need to let you know that that wedding day was the high point of that marriage. Went downhill after that. See, because I'm the kind of father and I'm the kind of husband remember sitting on my living room couch, wife coming out the bathroom real fast pulling her pants up. And she going to the dining room table, picked a purse up off the table, clutched it real close to her. She went back to the bathroom and I feel as talked because nobody was in the house with me and her, but it got like that in my house. I'm the kind of father and I'm the kind of husband remember coming home and sticking my key in the door. My wife and two-year-old daughter sitting here. crying. I look over here and homeboy sitting in my seat with a gun pointed at my stomach talking about I want my money right now. Fellas, let me talk to you for a minute. Don't know about the rest of you guys, but I always had a lot of fears and a lot of doubts about do I have what it takes to be a father? Do I have what it takes to be a husband? Because if you're in the life, your track record already gives you your answer, right? Because what's the father's role and what's the husband's role? To protect and to provide. And there's a cold-blooded feeling, fellas, laying in bed with a woman night after night after night after night, knowing not only aren't you protecting, knowing not only aren't you providing, you're the one bringing the wolf to the door. See, my house got broken into several times each time they had told me, what's going to happen? You're going to give us our money or we're going to come up in there and get it. I'm the kind of father and I'm the kind of husband. I remember sitting on my back porch, two-year-old daughter coming outside, pulling in my coat. Daddy, Daddy, that's my piggy bank. I remember stopping and giving her a little grin. Don't worry, baby. Daddy's going to put some dollar bills in here for this change. And I wasn't raised to be stealing from my daughter. And I wasn't raised to be stealing from my wife. I was an alcoholic with no tools of recovery, and I did what it took to get what I needed to get. I'm going to share with you that my disease is progressive in nature, and in my experience, it's progressive in a couple of areas. I've shared one already. It takes more than it used to take in order for me to get the same effect. But my disease is progressive in another area, my behavior. My behavior gets progressively worse. I'm willing to do more, more readily, to chase this thing than I used to be willing to do at the beginning. It's a trip, but a lie keeps moving. First, I don't steal. I was raised, but I don't steal. Venice, I don't steal from nobody I know. Venice, I don't steal from my family. Venice, I know I wouldn't steal from my little girl. First time I hit my wife's purse, if you would hook me up to a poly, I would have passed when I said, I'm not stealing this money. I'm going to take this $40, and I'm going to replace it before she knows it's missing. And I meant it, because I don't steal. I don't steal. And I took that $40. And I went out and spent it all up, finished up on a Friday night, came back late on a Saturday. And I came back, and I looked for some more money. And she had moved the purse. And I didn't look too hard for it, because I couldn't believe I had hit the purse like that. And I said to myself, I'm going to replace this money before she knows it's missing. And I meant it. Somebody was sharing the other day, I forget which one of the speakers, sharing a little bit of our history. It might have been Wayne. You know, December. December 1934, this cat found himself in the hospital for the fourth time. Something happened to him in this hospital visit. He had had a visit from a friend of his about a month or so previous. And when he went in the hospital this fourth time, something happened. He left the hospital. The doctor had seen him a lot of times before, and he told him, even the doctor saw something was different. He said, I don't know what it is, but you better hold on to this. Dude left the hospital and went about his business for six months. Six months later, he went to handle some business out of town in Akron, Ohio. Business didn't come off too well, and Bill Wilson found himself on a Sunday afternoon standing in a hotel lobby. And that Sunday afternoon in that hotel lobby, he got thirsty. Seemed like from the lobby itself, he could look into the bar. He had eyes clinking in the glasses. Remember what his partner told him, and for the first time in his life, he said, I need to find a drunk. Not to drink. That was a novel idea. So through a series of what we can see now looking back of divine coincidences, but at the time, I'm sure he just felt like it was some desperate measures. There was a directory on the wall, and he started calling numbers. Imagine that, just out the blue. I don't want to drink, and I don't have nothing else available to me but hope. And I'm just going to start calling these random numbers. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine that. And that was a series of divine coincidences. Like I say, he come across this lady, Henrietta Seyberling, and she was a prayer lady. She had a prayer circle, and in her prayer circle was this other lady, Ann Smith. And Ann Smith had a husband somewhat like me. And this husband had been out not too long before Mother's Day, and he had done what he do. And so he was in the doghouse. And so Henrietta Seyberling puts Bill Wilson in touch with Ann Smith, and he talks to her on the phone. and went to something like, I understand that you've got a husband that's having a problem drinking. I'd like to know if I could come over and talk to him. And Ann Smith seemed like she must have looked over at her husband, and he in the doghouse. You know that's the only reason. He said, I'll give him 15 minutes. Tell him to come over tomorrow. I'll give him 15 minutes. And Bill Wilson called on Dr. Bob Smith, and that 15 minutes turned into about a five-hour conversation. And after those two gentlemen worked together for a minute and two years, about 40 other people were staying sober. Imagine that. About 40 people were staying sober through these two guys' efforts. And it looked like the New York hustler must have looked at that Akron doctor and said, how are we going to let Ralph White know when it's his turn? And he said, well, put it in a book. And they put me in that book. They put me in that book. Our book was published in 1939. I was born in 1953. I got to you guys in 1986, and I'm up in there. Two weeks after that first experiment with the $40 hit-the-purse move, and I'm going to replace the money before she knows it's missing, the same scenario presented itself. Got paid, gave my wife some money, ran out of my own money, came back looking for some money. And that idea of replacing the money didn't come to my mind. It got replaced by a new thought. There's a line in the book that describes me to a T. We don't know why, but the alcoholic could be unable to recall with sufficient force, pain, suffering, humiliation weeks, even days ago. That idea of replacing the money got replaced with a new idea. Last time, I took $40 out and came back looking for some more money, and she had moved the purse. This time, I'll take all the money out, and that that I don't spend up, I'll sneak it back in the purse. And I was out. I'm off and running and hitting my wife's purse on a regular basis. I still go to, I'm almost 24 years old, and I still go to lots of meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous for lots of reasons. And one of the reasons that I like that won't show up in a book, and it won't show up in our literature, and it won't show up anywhere else, is that a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous is the only place I can go and I can talk shorthand. I don't have to explain, because how do you explain the taste of a banana? You got to eat one. I don't have to explain something, you know what I'm saying? Somebody in here know what it's like to be out, and you out, getting yours on, and you drinking the rest. You know what it's like to be laying in bed, because my wife started sleeping with the purse up under her pillow, right? You know what it's like to be laying in bed with that feeling on you, knowing that money's just an arm's length away? You know, somebody know what I'm talking about. And I'd be laying in bed with her, and she'd be sleeping with it up under the pillow, and I'd wait for that regular breathing to set in. And I'd let it set in for a minute. And I'd crawl out my side of the bed, and I'd go on her side of the bed, and I'd come up under the pillow, and I'd come out real slow, creep out the front door, out the bedroom door, creep out the front door, I'd jump in my car, I'd coast out the driveway, I'm gone. Might be Monday or Tuesday, I might come back the end of the week. Did that one too many Mondays or Tuesdays, came back one Thursday or Friday. Screen door was on my, the note was on the screen door, rest of your stuff was at your mama's house, suitcase on the porch, I'm put out my house, I'm now my daddy. And I went to stay at my mom's house, and over the course of that next year, my five brothers who suffered from this disease got put out their respective homes, and all six of us ended up at my mom's house. And we damn near killed her. We almost killed her. When I got put out my mom's house and went to, when I got put out my house and went to stay at my mom's house, my ex-wife thought it was something salvageable about this piece of man she married. And she used to bring my daughter over to my mother's house on Saturday afternoons, so we could keep a father-daughter relationship. And I wanted to be a father to my little girl with everything in me. I really, really, really did. I wanted to take her to Disneyland and Magic Mountain. I wanted to take her to a movie on a Saturday afternoon. I wanted to walk up the street with her little hand and my big hand and just take her to the store and buy her ice cream. I wanted to sit my girl in my lap and read stories to her. I wanted to tuck her in bed at night and get a good night kiss. I wanted to get the look from my girl that I've seen men in this fellowship get. The look like this is my daddy, and this is my hero. And the best I could do on those Saturday afternoons was 30 minutes, 30 minutes. Tell my mom something like I'm going to the store to buy Rainsom ice cream, and I would disappear. I would show back up on Sunday night when her mom was picking her up, and I wouldn't really show up. I'd be sticking my head around the side of my mom's house, and I'd see those two heads in the car and those headlights backing out the driveway, tears flowing. And through the tears, I'd be thinking to myself, there goes my life, backing out this driveway. And I've heard a lot of members share about being scared of dying out there, and that's not a part of my story. Never scared of dying. I was scared I was going to keep waking up to the same old thing, Monday the same as Tuesday, the same as Sunday, the same as Christmas, over and over and over again. And I'm so glad God don't make misery comfortable. And on October 11, 1986. I got miserable enough, and I got tired enough, that I was directed to my fourth program of recovery. I went to the Harbor Life Center on Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles. Two days after, they took me to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that October of 1986, I was in a real bad way. I've only shared with you the tip of the iceberg. We share our stories in a general way. So sometimes, you know, it's amazing. I hear the stories, and I wonder, well. What happened here? Because the trip of the story is this. While I was descending into alcoholism, I was kind of rising in the workforce for a time. And I got to the point in 1985, I was working in management in the law department of a major utility company. And at that time, I worked in an office with a big plate glass window. I could sit in my office and look out on the workforce. About 70 people. Unfortunately, the workforce could look in on my end. You know how you got that whiplash thing when you've been out for six or seven days, and you wonder if anybody's looking. And just like you guys are looking now, I do that and look, and everybody's looking. That ain't cool, you know. The book talks about, Bob talks about it, too. More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. And it's a cold thing to lead a double life, because I'm businessman by day, and I'm vampire by night. You know, and the vampire... The vampire started overtaking the businessman, and he had the nerve to start showing up at work. And the people at work wasn't paying for the vampire to come to work. You know, so you... And that's what always happens. You know, the vampire always outgrows the housewife. The vampire always outgrows the business. The vampire always outgrows PTA lady. I don't know why it just does. The disease takes over me, and it started showing up at work. So, of course, they asked me to leave, because that ain't who they hire. They didn't hire a vampire guy. The guy with the same suit. The guy with the same suit for six days. You know, so they asked me to leave. And so I came in that October in 1986, and I had had my first job in corporate, and I was on the rise. And I was thinking to myself, you know, because I had a lot of stuff going on that October in 86. And guys like me don't get second chances. I was full of remorse. And I was full of regret. And I was full of I couldn't believe what I had become. And a gentleman was standing up in front of the group that first meeting the Alcoholics Anonymous I went to. And a gentleman was standing up in front of the group that first meeting the Alcoholics Anonymous I went to. And he was sharing about taking from the job. And he was sharing about taking from the family. And I remember looking at him and thinking to myself, yeah, you sharing about doing scandalous things, but you look scandalous. You should have been doing that. I'm different. Y'all ain't going to hear my business. And the speaker seemed like he knew I was in the room. He dropped something on me like this. If you're sitting in this room right now, you are not responsible for your disease, but you are responsible for yours. but you are responsible for your recovery. And you have just now tapped into a source of power much greater than yourself. And you don't have to drink and you don't have to use no matter what, provided you are willing to fulfill some conditions. And that speaker that night caught my attention. He went on to say, this is the only club you can be a member of where the worse off you are when you get here, better off your chances of staying. And I got the message of hope, and the first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, they took me to. He described to me what I suffer from, and he did it in a strange way, and he did it in a curious way. He was talking about me, talking about himself, and never heard anything like it. I don't know if we have any new friends in here, but when that guy that night was talking, I was taking it personal, and I was taking it personal in a good way. It seemed like he was talking directly to me. He said he suffered from something that made him different than other people. It seemed like he invited me to diagnose myself. Ralph, don't take my word for it. You know, ask yourself, how many times did you say, I'm just going to spend 20? What happened? Whole paycheck. How many times did you say, I'm just going to stop off at happy hour? What happened? Whole paycheck. How many times did you say, I'm going to stop off over here at my boy's house and won't pay it? What happened? Whole paycheck. Ralph, did it happen once? Did it happen twice? If your name is Ralph, every two weeks from 1979 to 1985, whole paycheck. My experience, not yours, not Dr. Bob, not my sponsors, not nobody else, my experience abundantly confirms for me when I take one of anything, no matter where I have to go, what I have to do, who I have to see, no matter how great the wish or the necessity, my body takes over and I have to have another. Okay, smart guy, how do you explain if it's just my body, my car seemed to drive to the LIQ on payday? Second part of this disease, the mental obsession, the obsession that somehow, someday, I will be able to control and enjoy this magic potion I discovered all those many years ago. Somebody help me with that one. Where's that coming from? Control and enjoy. Check this out. Anytime I was controlling, I wasn't enjoying. Check this out. Check this out. Check this out. Anytime I was enjoying, I damn sure wasn't controlling. Why am I stuck on control and enjoy? I can't drink because of my body. I cannot because my mind refuses to accept that fact I'm powerless. Third part of this disease, the spiritual malady. 12 and 12 describes it as a soul sickness. And in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it says, Ralph, if you work on the spiritual, the mental, and the physical, it's straight now. That's what we do. That's what we do in these rooms. Don't get scared, new friends. I know somebody's saying, oh, you're getting ready to slide to G word on me. You can't fool me. I felt the same way. I felt the same way. I was raised Southern Baptist. We went to Sunday school, church, evening service, ate dinner at church, BTU, choir rehearsal. I said, when I turn 16 years old, you will not have to worry about Ralph White darkening the doors of anybody else's church in a minute. I came, I'm a child of the 60s, and I'm like, yeah, grandma and granddad, that's cool for you. You need that. I'm too smart. I'm too slick. I'm too sharp. All you old folks, y'all need that. You need that. You know, religion. There's an opiate of the people. I'd rather smoke mine. Thank you very much. You know, I'm from that era. You know, and I'm thinking I'm smart. And the cool thing about it was, while I'm looking down on granddaddy who didn't have a 60, I love the chapter, We Agnostics. It talks about we're quick to see where religious people run. And they were exhibiting a degree of stability and usefulness because granddaddy ain't never asked me for no money. Now, I'm the one college and the rest. He's just a blue-collar guy, can't speak the king's English, none of that with me. Yeah, you look good in church, granddaddy. But granddaddy. He never asked me to bail him out of jail. Cold thing, but I had to get that. But anyway, this G-word we were talking about, don't get scared of that. Don't get scared of it. I remember sitting in a room right now, and I'm thinking to myself, you had a speaker talking about this spiritual stuff. You look like you should be doing that. Look at you. You dress nice. You've been doing this thing. It come easy for you. Check this out. Didn't none of us come up in here marching towards the light? I came up in here running from the fire. And if your ass is on fire, this is a good place for you to go. Don't trip off that. You know, I didn't come up in here. I came up in here on the negative half of the second step. I didn't come in here coming to believe in a power. I had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I have been living. I had come to believe I'm going to be walking the street. It's Friday night. I'm walking the street tonight. I know it. Just as sure as I'm in. I know it. I know it. And if you're sitting in here and you knew, and if you fairly knew, and if you're wondering, when is this change going to happen for me? When am I going to experience the fruits of this spiritual thing they be talking about? When am I going to ever get this miracle I hear? People talking about in the room. If you're sitting in here on a Friday and you can pull anything green out your pocket and you're in an upright position, you're sitting in the middle of the spiritual experience. You know, I'm not tonight's speaker because I'm the one. My message ain't the message of fear. I don't come up in here. You know I ain't. If you go back out there still kicking it, I don't know nothing about all that, you know. The book talks about, you know, I'm a guy. I'm a guy that came up in here, you know, because the message of fear for me, read it. Between the lines, you know I did a whole bunch of everything. And in what I used to think of as my heyday, people used to look at me and be like, damn, Ralph, ain't you scared of overdose? I'd be like, scared of overdose? I'm scared of the deadly underdose. You better put some love on me, you know. So the message of fear is not the message that'll hold me. The big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, talks about a message that's got to have depth and that's got to have weight. And the message today's speaker brings to you that's got the most depth and the most weight, you're looking at a guy who at 33 years old has given up on life. You're looking at a guy. You're looking at a guy who at 33 years old did not know what school his little girl was enrolled in and didn't know where his family was living. You're looking at a guy who at 33 years old had not answered anybody's 8 o'clock or 9 o'clock wake-up call to go to work in so long, I no longer thought I was employable. You're looking at a guy who came from a major university in this country and my job at the end of my drinking was taking the trash out of a 21-year-old who stayed across the street from my mom. I was sleeping in the back of my mother's garage and I was eating lemons off the neighbor's lemon tree for breakfast. And you met me in that condition. And the men and women in this. In this fellowship, the fellowship I crave. You nursed me and you loved me back to health. You gave me something, you gave me a solution. You put my feet on a path to really go somewhere. You took me in just like I was and you said something that I didn't believe at the time. It was a hard one, and we still say it to new friends right now. You said, let us love you till you can love yourself. I did not believe that one. How could I believe that one? I stink. If you turn your back on me, I'm liable to go up in your purse right now. How you going to tell me you love something like me? How you going to tell me you love something like me? And that was the first thing I did. That was before I knew what takes place in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. That was before I knew what happens when the guy in you reaches out to the guy in me. That was before I knew that in Alcoholics Anonymous, we specialize in loving unlovable people. And you loved me. And you nursed me back to health. Gave me a way out. Told me the problem. You know. Step one, admit it that I'm powerless over alcohol. And nowhere in that step does it talk about accepting powerlessness. In fact, a little bit later it tells me, Lack of power, that's my problem. What's my solution? I need some power. I need some power. And that's what this program is really about. If you're sitting here right now and you think this program is just about not drinking and just about not using, you're short-changing the program and you're short-changing yourself. Not knocking physical sobriety. If you just don't drink, you just don't use, you might stop going to jail on the weekends. If you just don't drink, you just don't use, you might make it home with a whole paycheck. You just don't drink. You just don't use. You might make it to work on Monday morning. But what this program has to offer is a whole lot more than that. What this program is really about is about obtaining and maintaining access to a source of power that does for me what I can't do for myself. What this program is really about is about obtaining and maintaining access to a source of power that does for me what I can't do for myself. That can do anything but fail. You want to see the program Alcoholics Anonymous with a face on it? See, because the program Alcoholics Anonymous is not a blue book. Program Alcoholics Anonymous is not some steps on a wall. Program Alcoholics Anonymous actually walks, talks, shakes hands and hugs. Program Alcoholics Anonymous, you want to see Alcoholics Anonymous with flesh? Take a look around this room right now. What this program is really about is about taking people like us, drunks and convicts, and boosters and child abusers, wife abusers, failures as parents, failures as kids, broken down pieces of men and women who don't have dreams and goals and hopes anymore. This program takes people like us, puts us together in one room, and I stick one hand in your hand, another hand in God's hand. And we pick up our beds and we walk out of these rooms as mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, employers, employees, role models in our community. This program is about growth. This program is about change. If it's to be any change. It's made in my life. It begins and it ends with me. I came up out of that recovery home and I got busy. You know, I'm one of the ones. I was a hungry alcoholic and I'm hungry in recovery. And one of the gifts, and I don't have anything to do with it. I fell in love with the program before I fell in love. I fell in love with the fellowship before I fell in love with the program. And I got involved in all the activities. And I took my body to the meetings. That's the unity part. And I'm so grateful to the men and women who kept the light on for a drunk like me. And I started going. I started going to meetings and I started going to meetings and I started going to meetings. A couple of things happened in that time. I was broken down and I was really. It's a cold thing to have so much ego with no self-esteem whatsoever. They differ. They differ. Don't get them confused. I had a whole bunch of ego but I had no self-esteem. I'm sitting at a meeting this particular day. I had about four months sober. I'm sitting at a meeting. I'm in a meeting now called the synonymous. It's a speaker meeting. And a guy was leading the meeting that I had seen around. You guys all have him in your home group. Somebody you've seen around. Somebody you've seen around. That gets a lot of respect from people. Who's very deportment. Shouts he's a man with an answer. Don't you like the way Bill writes that? And this guy is deportment. You know. And I used to watch him because I'm a watcher. You know. And I watched the guy around. And I didn't have a sponsor at that time. Everybody was talking about sponsor, sponsor, sponsor. And I'm at a meeting. Speaker meeting. And they took a break at this meeting. And I'm in the newcomer thing. I'm sitting there. And everybody else goes to get coffee. I wouldn't get out of my seat. Because I'm scared if I get up and I stumble, everybody's going to see me and they're going to laugh at me. So at the same time I'm thinking all eyes are on me. I'm sitting there in this deep loneliness thinking I'm all by myself and nobody knows I'm here. At the same time, that whole newcomer thing. So I'm sitting there. Dude that was leading the meeting, he came down. Because I didn't move. He said, what's your name? And I told him my name. Break was over and the speaker ended up speaking. I don't know who spoke it to me and I don't know what they said. And then. You know, California at the end of the meetings we do a reading and we did a vision for you and the guy that was leading the meeting Bob Hunt said, after a moment of silence for the alcoholic who still suffers, I want so and so to read a new vision for you. You know, after a vision for you, after a moment of silence for the alcoholic who still suffers, I want my new friend, Ralph. And somebody knew my name in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I've been doing this for a minute, I know everybody at my home group and I know a lot of people in most groups I go to. And like most of us at the break and after the meeting, you know, I get with my people. I haven't seen them all week and I get and I huddle up with them. But that made such an impact on me that I make sure when I leave a meeting, now Alcoholics Anonymous, I try to know somebody's name. I started following that guy. He put me in the car and we roll. And I didn't have what it took for any more rejections and I didn't have what it took to ask somebody because he's, to me, you know, people have rank and status. And I remember I used to come in wondering who ran it and this guy was like a status guy and he don't have time for me. So I didn't have what it took to ask him to sponsor me. We were rolling for about three weeks, four weeks. And we're in the car one day and I say to him, this is the safe way. You know I consider you my sponsor. And that man put my feet on a path that really goes. Well, I'm going to tell you something about sponsorship. A lot of people ask and a lot of people are scared. I don't have anything to give away. And I don't have anything to give away. And of all the great sponsors in Alcoholics Anonymous, check this out, there is no sponsorship school. Same as parenting. If your ass get pregnant, you better get ready to be a parent. Same with sponsorship. Your ass. Don't worry about it. I have people say that to me, stay one step ahead of the posse. Sometimes sponsorship is what puts you in action. I'm not one of the ones that say, oh, get a, you know, God does what he does. And he put people together that he needs to put together. And God don't call the qualified. The call. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about that. Just get busy. If you have not known the joys of sponsorship, if you have not seen a man, the lights come on in somebody's life, it'll take your recovery to a whole different level. So I start rolling with this guy. Something else I was doing when I was early in recovery. Not only did I had a sponsor, I got a couple of raw road dogs. And this ain't from the book. This is from my experience. My brother, who's a year younger than me, he's three months older than me in recovery. And I had a boy. Strange. Three of us were as hungry for this man as three guys were in the life. And the thing about having a road dog, see, a road dog, with a sponsor, I always was putting on my best face. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You know, talking to him in cliches. Oh, you know, God is good. You know, I'm talking to my sponsor. You know how you talk to sponsors. You know, I want to be right. But with my road dog, I'm talking about my sponsor. I'm talking about Teresa. I'm talking about the girl. You know, if this thing, and I can't say in a short cut. If this thing ain't exciting, and if this thing ain't fun, I wouldn't be doing it. I had the opportunity, and I get the opportunity to speak with some of these people enrolled with Sandy. And I was talking to Tom, and you know Tom, I one day, and I said, Tom, out of your 50 some odd years of recovery, what's the most important thing you found? And he didn't say a conscious contact with God. He didn't say the 12 steps of recovery. You know, he said the most important thing he's found is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous of all these, enthusiasm. Enthusiasm. God damn it. If this is supposed to be a program of attraction. Make it attractive. Don't be getting up here. There he is. No, easy. It's off the way. No, new friends. Trust me. You know. This is it. This is it right now. You know, the joy of living, we really know even in the midst of difficulties, you know. And life opened up for me. I started going to meetings. I got a commitment in my home group. I was the secretary of my home group. Six months sober, I started going on panels. And see, we go looking for newcomers, and we look for new friends to get on those panels. I didn't know that's what you guys do. That you need us for panels. I thought, ooh, somebody finally heard me. I'm discovered. They want me. So I was rushing panels. You know, they need to hear my message. You know that? But every time I came back from one of those panels, I was walking with a little more sense of purpose. I was walking with my head up. And I didn't realize that if you come from that dark place I come from, if you come from that place of being nothing, if you come from that place of worthlessness and uselessness, you know, if you come from that dark place, it ain't no way up out of that place. It ain't no way. It's self-esteem, except by doing esteemable acts. And we have them for you in abundance. Esteemable acts can be nothing more than setting out the ashtrays and setting up the coffee. Esteemable acts can be putting out the chairs and picking the chairs up. Esteemable acts are going to our recovery facilities and going to our hospitals, our institutions and our jails. Esteemable acts. And I started walking with a little bit of sense of purpose. Things started happening in my life. Somebody else asked me to share a life with them. And I got all the way down the aisle that time. I even had the pictures to prove it. You know, I got a 15-year-old daughter at home that's never seen her daddy loaded, and one day at a time, she never will. She's the light of my life. That two-year-old daughter who was piggy bank I was going in, she's 26 years old now. And last month, she called me. I was talking somewhere a couple of weeks ago, and she called me, and she was hollering on the phone. It's music. You know, some stuff has become music, and I don't know about anybody else. My 15-year-old girl said that sometimes sarcastically, sometimes she said frustrated. Sometimes she said lovingly, she said, Dad. And when I hear that word, when I hear that word, Dad, it seemed like grace just comes with it. And my 26-year-old called me last week, Daddy, I'm done. You know, and what she was talking about was she had finished the third day of taking the bar exam for the California State Bar. You know, my girls. And they daddy's girls. And I get it on the regular. I get the look from them. And I don't do that. In their life, this guy is a rock. And I'm not a rock. I'm a scared little boy playing at being a man. But they don't know it. Don't tell them. You know? I'm what you made. And you're not through. And God ain't through with me yet. I hit a valley. You know, I've had three valleys in recovery. The good news about valleys is you know you'll come out. And you ain't got to rely on nobody else. You know, people talk about it. And I ain't a big proponent of this much. I'm not a proponent of that. I'm not a proponent of that. But the good news about staying sober consecutive periods is you've got a long track record and a long history of answered prayer. And I've got a long history of answered prayer that I stand on. And that's good news. Because there are going to be times, there are going to be times when life serves up just a little bit more than your boy can handle. And I was in that kind of valley two or three years ago. My 20-year marriage gone. Lost my house. Had no money. Homeless. 22 years sober. And I thought I needed a recovery home for old times. You know? People that's been sober a long time, I thought I needed that, you know? I felt like a fraud in my sponsorship. And I was thinking to myself, how do you have the nerve to go around talking about this gift you've been given? And how do I have the nerve not to? Because I learned some things in the valley. And you grow where you plant it. You can grow where you plant it. And there's growth in the valley. In fact, that's where the most growth comes from. God does his best work in the dark. And he worked in the dark places. Because I learned some stuff about myself. I learned some stuff about myself. I always learned it about myself. You know, that is the most incredible journey of discovery that there is. Because I don't even listen to what I say. What you do speak so loud, I can't hear what you say no way. And I say that to myself. And so in this thing, I always say what's not important and what is important. And God has my back. And God can do anything. But I already shared with you guys that I'm pretty much a style over substance guy. You know, all front, no back. That's me. You know, I ain't never been. But I learned some things in this valley. Because I've always felt like I am what I have. I am what I have. And I got stripped to nothing materially. Curious thing, though, about the way you guys are training my feet. Forget how you feel. Worry about what you're going through. Later for how you feel, you train my feet. See, disease is in my head. Recovery is in my feet. It's in my actions. So my feet been trained. There's a part in the book that says if the alcoholic doesn't enlarge and perfect his spiritual life, his self-sacrifice with working with others, he won't be able to survive to certain trials and low spots. I've been working with others. And I've been doing the deal. And I've been doing the deal. And I've been working with others. And when I hit the valley, and when I hit the low spot, the low, low spot, you know, I hit a low. You know how they say. When one door closes, another one opens. one opens, but it's hell in the hallway. The good news is there's a whole bunch of people in the hallway if you come in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's why you want to be in Alcoholics Anonymous, because there's a bunch of people in the hallway. You know them cliches that be coming at you, God won't give you more than you can handle. That's true, but life will. That's why you need God. So life, it dealt what it dealt. And I got the kind of sponsor. He says, Ralph, sometimes you're going to have to be the message you carry. And if you have the message you carry is that God can handle anything, guess what? Sometimes you're going to have to have something for him to handle. That's all you got. Every single year I get on my knees with a group of people and I say, God, I offer myself to you to build with me and do with me as you will. The most amazing part of that prayer is he'll do something with me, that he finds me working, just as I am, just as I am. And he's done something with me. He's done something with me. At the end of that prayer, I say, take away my difficulties. Not avoid. Not take me by them. Not let me avoid them. Take away my difficulties for a reason. So victory over them may bear witness to those I would help. Thy power, thy love. Everybody in here got a gift with your name on it. Everybody in here got a calling. Everybody got in here got something to do and got a life that's filled with purpose. And the way that it happens, you ain't got to get a PhD. You ain't got to be known. You ain't got to be the smartest guy in the world. You ain't got to do nothing but keep living and have shit happen. That's what God works with. It's with my stuff. With my stuff. It don't work with my good stuff. It works with me through my adversity. That's what I ought to share. What I ought to share is I don't care. You can get divorced and you ain't got a drink. I can share with you the IRS can come after you for $80,000 and you ain't got a drink. I can share with you that you can lose your house and you ain't got a drink. I can share with you you can go stone broke and you ain't got a drink. I can share with you you can feel, you can be homeless. And the thing about it is I can also share with you that God is so good that you got a home even when you're homeless. I don't know how that happens. I can share with you that you can still go anywhere and you can go anywhere and everywhere and not miss a meal and not have no money. What kind of God is that? I can share with you that you can live every day. You can be filled every day. You can feel like a grown man in your own skin every day without a dime to your name. What kind of God is that? I want to share with you that that's what I learned in the valley. That's what I learned. And somebody in there might be in a real dark place. Don't trip. Is it all right right now? Don't think about next week I need that money by two. Is it all right right now? Not tomorrow. Is it all right right now? While it's long-winded, brother, is it all right right now? And every right now, it kept being all right. And next thing you know I'm walking out the other side and now I'm armed with what it is that I have that nobody else can take from me. I got a long track record to answer prayer. I got experience of my own. I'm here to let anybody notice in the dark that you ain't by yourself. Here to let anybody notice in the dark that you ain't by yourself. Here to let anybody notice in the dark that you can grow where you planted. Here to let everybody notice in the dark that you ain't going to stay in the dark. And I'm so grateful. I always forget to share about my mom and I'm going to share this. People always ask me, is your mom still alive? Four of my brothers ended up sober. Five years ago we gave my mom a surprise 75th birthday party. Surprised her, which is a hard thing to do. At the end of the night, when you're going over everything, my mom dropped something on me that I didn't know. She's the oldest of her siblings. She started helping raise them. She started having babies when she was 18 and she had six. Spent her life raising us. And my mom shared with me the night of her 75th party. Ralph, this is the first time I've ever had a party. So as a result, I thought it's anonymous. Because her four boys are in this deal. My mom had a party. My mom had a party. She had always wanted us to come back to church. She wanted us to come back to church. She wanted us to come back to church. She wanted us to come back to church. She wanted us to come back to church. She wanted us to come back to church. And I remember one Sunday morning in 1987, my mom got up to go to church. And when she stepped in her living room, her living room was full of drunks. And my mom had tears in her eyes. And she said to them drunks, I want to thank you for my sons. Because those drunks were sitting around her dining room table with blue books open. And my brother and my friend and I, my road dogs, had found some people to take us to church. And my brother and my friend and I, my road dogs, had found some people to take us to church. And my brother and my friend and I, my daughter came out. And in the morning of my birth, they got to hear that the church was open. And we went out to the thrift shop. And we had cups of coffee in the thi coat ha. All these people were talking about drinking. Yeah. And the difference was that we were asking you one thing. And I had earlier, you were trying to get me to wherein I first got drunk. I was going into theoublik of my workshop people right here that I've had the privilege walking through life with. And it's grown to about 250 people and we do that every Sunday morning. And I always wanted to do something important and I always wanted to do something significant. I can think of nothing more important and more significant than being a participating member of the life-saving, life-changing experience that is Alcoholics Anonymous. Every single one of us get a chance to do it and we do it all the time. Sometimes we miss it. We're doing it right now. Every time I go to a meeting, I get the opportunity, me and you, I get the opportunity to participate in some little boy or some little girl getting ready to have mom come home. Every time I go to a meeting, we're doing it right now, me and you, get to participate in something and some family getting ready to have daddy come back. Every time I go to a meeting, get to participate in some family being reunited. It's happening right now. Every time I go to a meeting. Who wouldn't want to be part of a fellowship like that? You'll never hear Ralph White say, I don't know why I'm sober. I know exactly why I'm sober. I get a blessing so that I can be a blessing. Recovery for me is a gift from God. What I do with my recovery, that's my gift to God. My name is Ralph White. I am an alcoholic.