Brian F. – Step 4 – Overcoming Intellectual Pride In AA – 2017

I went to, was at Ridgeview several years ago, and I remember I'd see Brian in there in his old home group. I think it was still your home group then, a perimeter group, right? And then, you know, and I'd see him here and there with, you know, some mutual friends, and I always saw him in the program working with others, and he's, from what I could tell, he's a real deal. And with that, I give you Brian. Thank you, Brian. I appreciate it. I'm an alcoholic named Brian Frick. Hey, Brian. My sobriety date is August 17, 2009. I have a sponsor. His name is Doug M. I have a home group, which is the Ackworth Big Book Step Study, which meets on Thursday nights in Kennesaw. You can figure that one out on your own. Kind of like that. It's weird. I do currently have... I have the privilege of sponsoring a couple guys, and that's been on and off throughout my sobriety. So I... Oh, and I wanted to thank Jerry for asking me to come and speak here. When I first got sober, I used to come here on a Friday night. I've always enjoyed this meeting and the Monday night. So I'm originally from Rhode Island. I'm from just outside of Providence. And... Uh... Um... You know, this is the thing that I hear a lot of speakers handle very properly, and that's that there's lots of stuff that went on in my childhood that were a little odd. But for the most part, I had a really ideal upbringing and a really ideal childhood. But there were things in my family that were not perfect. Like, there's certainly things I could say were, you know... But, uh... Having gotten sober... You know, the difference between working the steps and spending a little time sober... And what I believed before I came in the rooms is so starkly different, I can't even describe it. Like, I really, really, truly believe something very strongly about the way I grew up and the kind of life I was given and the way it was. And I will tell you now that none of that is real. Most of that is completely false. Um... I have seen now through being in AA and being exposed to the... To the world. Um... That I had an incredibly lucky, privileged childhood. I had two parents that stayed together and are still married. Um... My father was a financial guy. Um... And a banker. He was a Vietnam veteran. Um... My mother was a teacher. She had a master's degree. I think they both did. Um... And their whole focus was to make a nice home for me and my sister. And for us to go to, like, where they lived was so we could go to a good school. Um... They... Pay all their bills on time. Um... There were moments where it would be a little iffy, right? Uh... But they do everything, um... They're supposed to do, man. Like, he never had a tag expired. Um... I don't think... I don't think he smoked pot. So they had this routine of drinking where he would come home and I would watch him, um... Drink a... I think early on it was like, uh... Coors Extra Gold. But he would drink a Coors Light. And he would barely finish the one Coors Light. And if he ever did open a second beer... And now, this is how you know I'm an alcoholic because I noticed this. He would never finish the second beer. Maybe on Christmas, maybe other times that they would drink. Uh... I saw him drunk less than a dozen times. Um... Perfect example of as soon as he was going to lose control, stop drinking. My parents would drink gin and tonics on Saturday night. And if they had a second gin and tonic, it was like a... That was a big deal. That was like, whoa, we're going to have to... So, um... Okay, so that's not responsible for me in any way. And my sister was, um... Still, she's incredibly bright. She, uh... She did very well. She was like a three-sport captain. She was the salutatorian. She's the, you know, all that stuff. Yearbook editor. She did everything perfect. I would go to high school, um... In school, and I was in trouble every single day, man. And people would be like... They would find out that was my sister. And they would be shocked. They would talk me out of it. They'd be like, no, that's not... That can't be your sister. That can't be your sister. So, uh... And she got into the Air Force Academy and eventually came to... Went to Emory. Um... And that's kind of how we ended up here. But she went to Emory. And I've just never been like these people ever. Uh... I've never been like them. I don't really know how to describe that. I've heard, and I can identify with most AA speakers, say something about always feeling different or apart from and not feeling the same as other people. Um... In a way, and sometimes I did... I... I... I... I... I did a little bit of both. There were some times I had... I had confidence. Um... When I was growing up, I did, very early on, become obsessed with basketball. It's my first obsession. And I played it constantly. And that gave me something to do. I, um... It was something that I had achieved. Because other than that, I couldn't turn in one assignment or sit through a class without getting thrown out. I was in the principal's office every single day. I was in trouble since I can remember. I've always felt that impending doom. Like, I'm in trouble. I'm going to get in trouble. Uh... So when people say different or apart from... I... I would say that I felt broken. Like, I... I felt like, um... Yeah, I just felt like I was never going to get it together. Uh... And it just got progressively worse. Uh... Elementary school was bad, but... but junior high and all that got worse. Um... And I was playing AAU basketball and I was in this weird world where, like, I was off in neighborhoods and off in Providence and places where, uh... I was from a pretty nice affluent area. My parents were very middle of the road, but a lot of the kids I was hanging around with were from the city. Uh... And some of them lived in the projects. And, uh... I would spend a lot of time over there and it was, uh... It would be that weird kind of double life thing. Like, I was exposed to stuff that maybe other kids wouldn't be. Um... And I don't know what it was, man. Um... So I can't even say what my first drink was because... Uh... My parents had, in the kitchen, there was this, uh... uh... liquor cabinet. Um... And it was on the other side of the kitchen table right in front of my dad's desk. And it was... It was, like, built into the wall. It was like a knee wall. You know? It was built into the wall. And I... I can't tell you why, but I always remember being fascinated. Like, totally fascinated by that liquor cabinet and what was in it. Um... And I took... And I took shots out of there or what was starting on what point, I don't know. Um... I remember... I have a creepy memory. I remember being at a wedding. And I don't know if I'm four or five or six. But I remember being at a wedding, uh... for my cousin. And we're sitting at the table. And, uh... Uh... You know, it was clear it had vodka or gin in it. And I knew it was alcohol. And I had, like, a water or a Sprite. And I knew that I could pretend that I didn't know it was alcohol and take a drink of it and get away with it. And then everybody saw that I did it and laughed. Um... I don't know how to explain that. Um... That's just... That's just the way that I always was. Um... 12, 13, I started, uh... drinking and smoking. Always fascinated by alcohol. Any kind of movies or anything that had that stuff. Um... You know, again, I was supposed to be an athlete. But... If you weren't supposed to smoke it or drink it, man, that's what I wanted to do. So, uh... I started smoking. Um... Uh... And did that for years. I remember coming home after school with a friend. Uh... That kid you were not supposed to hang out with. And, um... I remember sat down. The first time... I remember, like, really intentionally getting drunk. I'm probably 12. Um... We sat down at the kitchen table. My parents always had gin. And I did, uh... Not sure if it was 8, 9, or 10. I don't know. I was a skinny kid. Uh... But I just did shots of gin straight. Like, no pause. Just drank, like, 9, 10 shots of gin. Um... And I had that feeling that people describe. Um... I got really dizzy and sick and this and that. And I remember I missed something and, uh... I was supposed to be somewhere that night. Um... So it was the first time that happened, right? Where I was supposed to be somewhere and couldn't show up. Um... And, uh... I just chased that. Uh... From there on out. Um... I always had something, right? Where, like, I would look at my family. I'd look around me like I knew it was getting out of control. And some part of me, like, I wanted to be good. Like, I wanted to do stuff on time and I wanted to show up for things. And I really wished I didn't get in trouble all the time. Um... I mean, I got a possession of alcohol outside of a football game. I don't... I don't even know how many times I got in trouble with that. I was in the police before I was 15, 16. And then, um... In school, it... You know, it got to be fighting and, um... Principal's office and then... Uh... So you get detention and I wouldn't go to detention. If you don't go to detention, you get Saturday detention. If you don't go to Saturday detention, you get in-school suspension. So I had a lot of in-school suspensions. Um... And I couldn't get grades. So... So by the time I was a senior, um... I missed, uh... I was ineligible to play because I couldn't get a 2.0. That's just how little I tried. Um... I... I just wouldn't... I couldn't try any of that. All I really cared about was partying. When I was 17... 16, 17, I was in my junior year. One night, I went out and, um... So at this point, um... I... I had... I... I had experimented. I don't know beyond experimenting at that point. Um... I had put just about everything but a couple things in my body at that point. Um... I got really into Hunter S. Thompson books. I don't know if anyone knows. So there was a list, I remember, on the back of the book of all the stuff that was in the trunk. I don't know if anyone's ever read that book, right? Sharon Loving in Las Vegas. And it was like my mission to get everything that was on the back cover of the book. Um... So I go out one night and I drink a massive amount of alcohol. Colt Ice 45. Anyone even remembers that that happened? Um... And, uh... I got in multiple fights. And it caused a serious thing. And it was like an incident with a knife. It was just me being stupid. It was me trying to be tough and be more than I was. But I was, um... You know, I was mostly conscious for most of my drinking. Um... But this was a blackout where some stuff went down. Um... The police got involved and I got arraigned in court. Uh... It was, uh... Three separate assault and batteries. Or two separate assault and batteries and an assault with a deadly weapon. Um... And that was a big deal in that town. I got in a good amount of trouble. And I went and they held me over. And, um... The training school and detention for about 30 days. Um... And that was tough because I thought I was a tough guy. I thought that, uh... I thought that I was kind of bad. Uh... I was in there with, uh... Murderers. Arson murderers. Uh... You know, alleged. Right? Not convicted. Uh... I mean, a lot of these kids are rough. And some of these kids I was around and I was probably legitimately scared of them. And because we were all in there we were all being held over on court dates. And these were all kids who were in there for serious stuff. And I think, um... Any normal person and I've seen this in my life now. I mean, if there's a time to turn it around, right? Like, this would be the time to turn it around or to make a change. And I can remember saying to myself, like, alright, man. Just... Don't get caught again. Right? Like, I remember not wanting to do that and being scared and not wanting to go back there. But all I really thought of was not getting caught. And so I played the game. They sent me to some counseling. I said I was, uh... Drunk. I didn't talk to them. I didn't tell them about the other stuff I did. And then I went through counseling and a drug testing program for a short period of time. I remember I had a woman who was wonderful who was like an AA... She was an AA member. And, uh... We did counseling and she talked to me and I did the best I could not to listen to her. And, uh... She was cool enough. But I remember a moment where she told me, you know, not telling me what to do, but in a very... What I now understand is an AA way. Um... Saying like, yeah, man, I don't know what's going to happen to you, but if you're here now and we're talking about this, the chances of you making it through life without a serious drug and alcohol problem are probably zero. Right? Um... So I was aware. Like, I was aware that my drinking was, uh... Bizarre. I mean, I hung out with some guys that were three times my size. Um... And I could out-drink them easily. And it was never like a thing where it was like a contest. Like, I'm going to drink more or show... Like, um... I was conscious that I should hide it. I knew that it was weird. Um... I could drink a fairly large amount of alcohol and then, um... You know, started drinking in the morning after I partied at a fairly young age. Um... So this is how I lived my life. This is a perfect example. So I'm at the end of my senior year. I just refused to pass math. Just refused to pass it. So I got all the credits I need to graduate, but I don't have that one. Um... And the guy was like, hey, man, you can't come back here. You're not welcome to come back here. So, uh, you can go to whatever you go to, community college, wherever, and take one semester of a math course and I'll give you your diploma. Um... And I went to the community college and I registered and I went a couple times. I probably did that three different semesters. And I went a few times. But, uh... Um... I just never did it. Never, never happened. So I didn't get, um... I... I didn't get a... After I got sober, I didn't get a GED until I was 31. Um... Uh... But I told people I did. I told some people I went to college. That's a different... That's all... That's totally separate. So, um... I forgot about that. That's rough. So, um... Again, I remember my senior year, I hadn't been able to play the last year and I was in a lot of trouble. But this guy from New... Uh... This is New Hampshire College? And he was very... He was like, no, it was Division II or something, but he said, no, you can come play. Uh... And he talked to me a little bit and, um... We had some conversations. He says, no, you can still come play here. All I need you to do, though, is get your parents on the phone and we need to talk and figure something out and... And we'll get you, um... We'll get you enrolled and get you a scholarship to come play and I just couldn't do it, man. I don't know. I have no explanation. I don't know if I chose at that moment partying over it or if it's just... Uh... Or if it was the fear that ruined everything that I did. The bug. Um... That's just the way it was. So, um... I got out of high school and I started working. I find out... I did a lot of, uh... Um... Some odd jobs and some other things, but I started building and doing construction and I found that I can make pretty decent cash. Um... And I'm physical. I have energy. I like to work. Um... So I would go to work and I would drink. Um... You know, everything was a mess, man. I've never been able to figure anything out. I've never been able to renew a license or register a car. Or... I don't even know how to explain how bad I am. I can't pay a bill on time. So I go and I have an apartment and that's all right, but then I'm not gonna be able to pay that. This job's gonna fire me because every job had this, like, you know, like six-month to eight-month window. And I don't get fired. Like, I quit. I still... Were I ever fired? I don't think I was... Uh... I was fired when I attacked some guy in a supermarket. I just remembered that. This is the problem with speaking, too, is you just... Things come up, pop in your head. You should probably not remember. Um... So I was fired that one time. But, uh... Other than that, I would see that coming and I would quit. Um... I remember quitting something like 21 or 22. Uh... And I quit this job and I put my stuff in the street. Um... And this was a shady apartment. This... This... Had a... A bullet hole in the window. Um... I put all my stuff in the street and I call a guy who lives in Berkeley, California and just drive across the country. And... And that was great. There were moments of that that were great. Like, did a lot of hiking and went to a lot of awesome places and had some fun. Um... But I did that with, uh... No registration and, uh... No insurance. No, I was registered. Uh... But a suspended license. Uh... So I probably went 8 or 9,000 miles before I got to Berkeley. And I remember, like, they were pretty cool. They were like, Hey, you should stay here. But I can't. I just can't. I can't do that. I don't know how to explain that. Um... Uh... I can't really take help from people, right? So then, um... I leave there and I go, I go up to Oregon and, uh... The guy didn't give me a DUI but a cop pulled me over and he took the car and impounded the car. And, uh... So I was... I didn't know anybody there. And I was homeless and I didn't have a car. And all I needed to do was call. This was the beginning of not speaking to my parents for, uh... You know, again, it was rough. It was very rough. Like, I was in trouble and it was a small town and it was very brutal on them. And I'd come to understand how tough it was on them. Um... Not that I just couldn't get it together or I wasn't a perfect son but I... I mean, I couldn't... I never had any stability. They worried every night I was going to come home. You know, it was a mess. So I left as soon as I could. Um... And it's just one of those things. Like, I got to fight with my dad over nothing. Um... I just told him not to talk to me anymore. And I didn't speak to him for a long period of time. Um... So I'm in Oregon and then, um... I was homeless and I spent some time with my parents. Where it was kind of cool. Like, I thought it would be cool in a Jack Kerouac kind of way but I'll tell you that that, uh... I wore this off very quickly. Um... I did some riding the rails and some of that stuff but, uh... I would do the best I could um... to work and do what I could. Um... I was homeless for a good period of time. About eight months to a year. And then I met a guy who, um... And to say I'm a daily drinker at that point is an understatement. Um... I met a guy who gave me a chance to live in a house and do some work and I did that. Uh... Same thing, man. I worked really, really hard up front. Like, went after it. Really impressed him. And then I got into... You know, I started to meet people and find out where the, uh... the rock and roll kids were. I thought I was rock and roll. So... I was doing the punk rock thing at the time. Uh... That didn't work out so great either. Uh... I was probably a year and a half or two years where, again, it just reached this point where I know people are tired of me and I'm tired of them being tired of me and it's time to go. So I go back to Providence. I got some help from a friend. Um... And it was the same thing. The friends I was with, my buddies are, like, really sketchy. So... My wife is laughing because she has met some of these guys. So... So... But now they own, like, um... You know, they're into... We were just dumb, like, drinking and getting in fights. But now some guys own some... You know, illegal businesses and, uh... do all sorts of stuff and, uh... Uh... It's accelerated. It's like, you know, you're going out to, uh... drink or party in the city and it's a little sketchy around there. Uh... It can be a rough town. And there's all sorts of stuff. Uh... Fights and craziness and, uh... Uh... Stuff with cops and people's houses getting raided and stuff. And I just, uh... I don't know if for the most part drinking and going to work. I'm still... I'm still living in this world where I don't know I think I'm going to make it. I don't know how to explain that to you. But I really think that, like, it's going to turn around at some point. Um... And it's bad. But, uh... And I know now how obvious it was that I, you know, going into work um... based on how people reacted to me that everybody knew I had a drinking problem. Um... So then I knew a guy who, um... His cousin lived in New York City and worked at a magazine. And he says, Hey, I know a girl who, uh... needs a roommate. And, uh... That's how I make decisions, man. That was it. Like, that was... The whole plan was made in five minutes. And I left Providence again and then moved to New York City. Uh... And my... This is an honest thought. I want to get my life together. I'm tired of drinking and partying and living this way. So I will move to New York City and it will get better. Alright. So that's not usually how it goes. Um... I got a job there doing carpentry working for a very good company. And the way the schedule was, like... I'll... I lasted a little longer than usual where I was able to go to work and drink every day and find a way to go to work. That's the best way I can describe it. Some things happened in that period of time. Like, um... In that period of time is when I... I can't... I remember coming home from work and going to the fridge. And if I didn't have it, I would stop at the store on the way. But I remember getting off the train, coming home, and going right to the fridge and having that thought. Like, when I took out a beer to drink that beer, I knew as soon as I drank it, there wasn't gonna be enough. Like, I wasn't gonna have enough here. Didn't matter if there was seven, eight, or 15. I was gonna have to go to the store. Whether I was gonna pass out, black out, or go anywhere. And it was the same thing every time. I would be hungover, dried out, you know, headache. I guess I just got used to that. But... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Some days were better than others, but it would always be like, all right, man, so as soon as I feel better from this and I'm halfway into the work day and eat some food and drink some liquids, I'm just gonna go home, I'm just gonna chill out, I'm gonna have one or two, um, I'm gonna, you know, the 15 things in my life that I cannot handle. Um, there's a sentence in the doctor's opinion that says, I'm paraphrasing it, that says, um, our problems begin to pile up on us and seem impossible to handle. to solve. And, uh, I can't think of anything that described me more perfectly or more aptly. Basic, simple stuff that I'd probably done before just became, uh, impossible to do. Um... So then, um, I was dating someone when I moved out there and so was my roommate, but then both those relationships ended and then I began dating my roommate. Um... Who I'm now married to. This is the end of the suspense there. So, but this is many years, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, but, uh, when I called up, I remember I called to the apartment and I remember she said to me, because I remember joking with my friends, I remember she said, well, I don't drink or drug. And I remember so ruthlessly making fun of her when I hung up the phone, right, uh, that she said that. But there was a part of me that was like, hey man, maybe there's a chance. Like, I don't know anything about AA. I don't know that she's sober. I don't know anything about that. But I felt like, well, maybe there's a chance. I think I always thought in the back of my head. It turns out that she was sober. She was in her first year. I think she was close to a year sober. And her father, Wes, has got 37 years now, right? He's 37 years sober, had about, you know, he had high 20s at the time. So I didn't know I was getting involved in this family that's an alcoholic synonymous. I have no intention of going to Alcoholics Anonymous in any way, shape, or form. So we date, and that job ends, and I run my own business. When I run my own business, it just gets weird, man. It gets very weird because then I'm drinking in the morning. Then I'm not working for somebody else. And I did woodworking, cabinetry, and other things. And I built a refrigerator into my workbench, and I drank. And I was very happy. I was very happy about it. There's weird stuff. Sometimes it's stuff I tell that's weird, but sometimes it's funny. Sometimes, depending where I'm sobriety, I really think it's funny. Like, as far as hiding things, it was very natural for me to create a scenario and a story to present to you and have a plan to hide things, and I will go to any lengths. So when you live in New York City, you're in an apartment. What I noticed was that everybody outside, so the two guys, oh, yeah, the guy next door and the guy on the first floor were also alcoholics. I know we don't call anyone an alcoholic. But they did a pretty good job of pretending they weren't, if they weren't. So you would see the massive amount of bottles from the one guy. I've noticed, like, everybody would know what you were doing, so I would drink the best I could. I would buy, like, a six-pack of bottles. Well, I had an issue with liquor, so I drank a massive amount of beer because somewhere in my early 20s, if I drank liquor, I liked gin. If I drank liquor, I was like most of us. I had no control. I had really no control. I could make it through the night or I could black out, and I could also have an issue with getting very aggressive, and that scared me. So I switched to drinking a massive amount of beer. So I would drink beer, and I had a special garbage bag that was hidden up in the closet, and my wife is not very tall, so I measured. She had a ladder. In order to reach the cabinets, there's, like, a stool, right, that she had to reach all the stuff. Measured from the stool the approximate reach and all this, and I built a false back in my closet, and I would crush all the cans and put it up in the bag and bring it out on trash day and hide the bottles back there. Well, I was a carpenter. You need to build things. You get ideas like that. So, and there's times that's funny. It's not funny because I will tell you that 90% of what she knew about me and the life I presented. That I lived day to day was a lie. And I felt that all the time. I always felt the pressure of that, but I couldn't stop doing it, and I couldn't escape it. Things start falling apart, and we moved down here to Atlanta, and that happens, like, very quickly. Like, it's a quick progression. I finally did get a job. I couldn't get a job. People wouldn't hire me. I finally got a job before we left, and so we moved in with my sister, and that was terrible. That went terribly. Terribly, terribly bad. Again, there was a way to handle that or have a conversation and try to figure that out. My solution was to put our stuff in my truck and leave in the middle of the night. As I got down there, man, oh, yeah, there was this odd thing. So my sister, we would drink, and she would drink a good amount at the time, and we would drink. She had a friend that was an absolute vodka distributor. And up in her attic and then in the back of the closet, I don't know, 40, 50, 60, there was a pile of bottles of absolute vodka of all different flavors. So at this point, I reached this thing. Life and our relationship is terrible. It's not going well. And right at this time, I'm trying to get a job, and nobody's hiring me, and I'm drinking beer. I remember one Sunday. I hope that I'm not exaggerating. I drank a 30-rack and never got a buzz, never even got close. Couldn't, not only could I not shut the noise off, I mean, I couldn't. I couldn't get anything going. I now, when I hear people sharing, I understand that alcohol stopped working for me in that way. So I started adding liquor. And then when I had to drink liquor to get drunk, it was a pretty quick run. It was pretty quick. It was about six months that we were here, and we leave my sisters. And. We were in the extended stay motel on Peachtree Industrial. It was a classy joint. So we were there. I remember the detail that my wife remembers is that there were needles in the ashtray. So these couple days that I had gone, it just all kind of came together where I had started to think, like, yeah, this is bad. This is a mess. I finally started to think, like, I don't think I'm getting out of this one. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to fix this one. She's going to leave. And I just had this odd day. I remember. We had no money. If I had drank, it was already I drank like 10 times. And I could tell she was sick of it. But there was this weird sickness in the relationship where she was a recovering alcoholic. And she wouldn't tell me about my drinking. But I think at this point, it just. I could even sense that I couldn't do it. We went out to see a comic. And I remember it was the worst thing I ever did, man. I ordered one beer. And I could tell she was mad I ordered the one beer. I worked. I was like, I'm going to go to the bar. I'm going to go to the bar. I'm going to go to the bar. I'm going to go to the bar. I'm going to go to the bar. I'm going to go to the bar. I'm going to fight and break up, really. And it was everything I could do not to have a sick. Having one drink. I'm so glad I had that experience now. Having one drink is the most miserable thing that I could possibly imagine. Drinking one Budweiser is the work. And that's it. That's my last drink. I don't know how to explain that. When I came in Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm a bit of a thinker. Although I have no track record for any of my thinking being successful, I'm still very enamored with my thinking. So I had a lot of ideas about spirituality. I decided very early, as soon as I heard about the educational variety, I decided that I was going to be of the educational variety. To say that I was atheist is an understatement. I wouldn't tell you there's no God, but I would certainly say that. I didn't want one, and I would say I certainly didn't believe in one. But I was just in a position where, you know, when I stayed. You know, in order. I didn't want to stay here. I had to. But I really thought of AA at first, and I really thought of this as a mechanical process. As I look back now, and I've spent some time, and I think when I did start to sponsor people, I started to see, like, something very significant happened. What I understand now is that I'm powerless over alcohol. You've heard a snapshot of my life. It sounds like I'm powerless over that, too, right? But something happens in those few days where, and that one day in particular, I went to the labor ready to get work. In the morning. I didn't get anything. I was driving in my truck, and I really was like, yeah, this isn't going to work. Everything in my life falls apart. And I became somehow willing. I mean, I'm completely unable to listen to other people or ask for help or shut up. And I was, like, in this weird point. And right on that day when I come home, she says she's going to leave, that she's done. She's going to get a ticket and go back to New York. Now, I'd like to tell you that I had an epiphany. And that I was doing something good. But I was trying to save myself, man. In a last-ditch effort, I said, hey, do you think I'm an alcoholic? And this is one of the great things we know, right? She didn't tell me that I was an alcoholic. She said, do you think you are? I said, yeah, I know that I am. So we looked up a meeting. It was funny. As soon as we looked up the meeting, I think within 10 minutes, I had decided the things I wasn't going to do. So there's a phrase we've had for years. She goes, make sure you tell them what you're not going to do when you get there. I'm like, I'm not getting sponsored. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing that. So I go to Toco Hills. And it's one of those places that I just hope that I have the ability to be part of that environment to ever get back to someone. That there's people in there where the median time is 20 to 25 years. There's a bunch of guys in there, 30, 35 years. There was a woman who people knew well in the area. He had 45 years. And to me, that's what I want. It just had an effect on me. I raised my hand. I said I was an alcoholic. That's the first time I ever said that out loud. I said it all the time to my friends. When I made amends with people, they said I would say it. But we would laugh. It was a joke. I said I was an alcoholic. And the guy who gave me my white chip, his name was Eric. He became my sponsor. And the way those guys were to me, they were so cool to me. They were so cool to me. There was this guy. He was a guy who gave me his card. I remember I thought he had a fake name because of his name. And I remember this guy called me the next day. He took my phone number, which I didn't even remember he did. And he called me the next day. I remember having a very awkward conversation where I almost kind of argued with him about something. But whatever. I was a new guy, right? But I don't know. Is that why I went to that meeting the next night or the night after? I don't know. But I think it helped. And I know that it helped him. But I'm just grateful for that. I went to, I mean, that was Wednesday night. Thursday night they took me to this group that had a big book study and then a speaker meeting on the weekend. And that first speaker meeting I went to, coincidentally, Jerry was the speaker that Saturday night. It was the first AA speaker that I heard. That had an effect on me. There was a big book. And then a speaker always on Saturday night. The reality was with the guys I was with, my sponsors, I went to AA everywhere. I certainly had my home group. But I went to all kinds of meetings. I worked around town. Within two weeks I got a job. And somebody hired me. Before that I was unhired. We moved back to New York for a period of time. But I had that job until then. I left on good terms. And I got that job after I came back. And I worked there six years. And left on good terms. I mean, that's impossible and unheard of for me. And there's a lot of stuff that happened in that time. So we went through the steps. And this is just me. When I talk about, when a book talks about alcohol just being a symptom. I mean, when I stopped drinking, man, it came apart. Part of me functioning and going through my life. And saying alcohol is a solution is an understatement. I had trouble going to work. I had trouble reading a tape measure. I had trouble interacting with people. I had a weird, oh, I mean, I also did not go to treatment and did not detox. I detoxed in AA. I didn't realize I was having DTs. Mine was maybe not as severe as some. But it was not comfortable. But, yeah, I don't recommend that you do that. I probably should not have done that. But that's what happened. Yeah, so I had a period. Where I had a hard time. And, again, simple stuff. I'm so grateful for that, right? Like if I was even a little more capable, my ego probably would have taken me right out of the rooms. But what I needed to do was call my sponsor on the phone at work. And tell him I can't handle an interaction with somebody that doesn't go my way. Just can't handle it. And he would tell me. And I'm on a job site. And he would tell me, well, go to the Port-A-John and pray. I don't care where you do it. Go pray. And we would sit down each week and go through the big book. And then we would read through it together. And I was making amends at, I don't know, man, fairly quickly. About 90 days. I was set a certain time to do a four-step. Same thing. I did everything in my life. He told me to do a four-step. I didn't do anything. I read it. I would pull out the piece of paper. I wouldn't write anything. And then he figured out what I was doing. And he's like, okay, two weeks. This day at my house, period. And then the last two days, man, I crammed that out last minute. And then when I sat down with a poor, pretty poor four-step, you know, he set me straight. And we sat down. And I went and took some time to be a little more thorough. I don't suggest anyone do anything the way I did it. This is just my experience is that for a four-step, to be honest and thorough, for me, I didn't know I was fundamentally dishonest. Until I did a fifth step. And we went to the fourth column. And I found out that I was fundamentally dishonest. It wasn't until I finished it and did the best I could that when I was driving home and I didn't even do it on purpose, the three most important things probably, I had left off completely. But because I had started that process, I believe I was able to call my sponsor and say, hey, man, I left these things off. And then we talked about that. And we got that. You know, we sat down. And I amended that inventory. I remember making amends to my wife's, now wife's father. I cannot describe how good these people were to me, man. And I had stolen from him. And that was a moment where you hear people talk about a four-step. And a fifth step. And a, well, what I've come to see in working with guys is, some guys don't want to say so. But I actually like writing inventory. I actually love the exercise of writing about themselves. You know? I'd always heard this fear of like, well, the fourth step's terrible. And it's very scary. But I've had guys do fourth and fifth steps. Where I have seen people not willing to change is when it's time to make amends. I have seen that over and over again. And I feel very grateful and very lucky to have been in an environment where people were going to walk me through that and hold me accountable. Like, hey, man, you still didn't make amends to your sister? I remember this guy, Chris, would give me a hard time. It's like, what do you do? You know? I really needed that, that kind of accountability. So it was one of those things. And this is one of the lessons about seeking a higher power and doing it. I made this amends for stealing this money. And it was the right thing to do. And I needed to do it because, as my sponsor would say, because it's not my money. I'm not paying back my money. It's their money, right? And I needed to set that straight. But informing my wife that I did that didn't make things better. It did not make things better. Our relationship suffered some difficulties. They tell you you don't make any major changes for a year. So at exactly a year, we moved back to New York City. So I moved back to New York City. I don't know if that was all done in the best way. But it just goes to show I'd gotten there, and I was very active in AA. And I was running around going to meetings and doing service and chairing a group. And I was very into AA. But my sponsor had told me to get another sponsor, and I didn't want to. I didn't know that then, but I know that now. I got a guy who was a great AA member, but I didn't tell him anything. I didn't tell him anything. And they had put me in a very good habit of reading 86 or 88 every day. And I stopped doing that. And so I had a company car and a phone and a laptop and a gas card and a credit card. I mean, I had everything. I had salary, commission. And I was doing sales, and I was seemingly doing well. They seemed to be happy with me. When I went to leave, they wanted me to stay. That kind of stuff shocks me. So I had all that, and I'm in AA doing everything I can do. And everything else is a total mess. I'm going home, and we're not getting along. We have had a split on something, and we're never able to resolve it. And one day I come home from work, and totally deservedly, she asked me to leave, and it ends the relationship. And we were never running off. This was final, and I can't ever thank enough. I had AA guys to call. When I think about sobriety times, man, sometimes I wonder. I wonder why I'm here. But what I did was I picked up the phone. And they didn't tell me stuff I wanted to hear all the time. They told me I needed to come back, probably to come back to Atlanta and get sober. But I thought that I was sober at the time, so I didn't really want to hear that. But I did that. I came back. I decided to move back. And then after I moved back, we had some back and forth. About was that a mistake, and it was very unhealthy. It was a mess. It was a mess. And I had very good sponsorship that told me to take some time off, suggest that I take time off from dating in general. I'm very glad that I did that. I was able to get a job and get a place and pay my own bills and figure out how to be an adult, which I never was able to do. And it was a slow process, and I was very bad at it. But it's probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. So now I have, you know, thanks to my wife. She pursued that at first, even before I got sober, and much more so now. And that's the relationship with my parents. I went to make amends to my parents, and their choice was that they didn't really want to hear much of it at all. The amends they wanted me to make to them was to not ever have to talk about it and for me to just be a son, me to just be there. And that was hard, you know, calling regularly, being involved. And it's awesome now. They've been there for me. We visit them. Like, my relationship with my parents is very good. My dad had heart surgery this year, and I was able to go down there and show up. I left work and got in a car and drove down to Florida, and I was there. And it felt like I was watching somebody else's life, right? As a son before that, they would never have expected me to be able to do that. And I'm able to do that. I'm able to do that stuff because of that. When I was in Oregon, I remember I was staying in a homeless shelter a little bit before I met this guy. And there was this woman there, and I could tell she was a problem. I was not super friendly, by the way. So she starts talking to me. I know she's going to start talking to me. I can tell. Like, she's looking at me, and she keeps trying to get at me, and I don't want to talk to her. And finally, she comes back. I was super rude. I mean, I swore at her. I told her to get away from me. But she... She persisted. And I remember she said, hey, I'm not going to bother you anymore, but I really want... Does your mother know where you are? I want to tell your mother where you are. So what I... I did agree to give her my mother's phone number. Because people had house phones, and you can remember it. So I gave her her phone number, and she called. I can remember the one time my mom and I talked about it. And she told me about how the woman called her and said, hey, I met your son. I saw your son, and he's in a homeless shelter, and he's okay. I saw him in a shelter, and he's okay. And when I told that woman that, I honestly thought... My thought, my mind was, well, that's good. She'll know where I am. Like, I thought that that was okay. I have seen now the effect that had on them. And so now, if I'm intermittent with contact, or I have family, that affects them, right? I'm able to kind of understand that. Listen, I haven't done anything in any right or perfect. For the most part, I was very overzealous and a little aggressive. We joke around, and they call me aggressive-aggressive. But I have learned in AA about the 12th tradition, and I've learned to leave other people alone. I'm aware of how little they want to know about what I think about their AA program. But the reality is that I care very strongly for Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe in having a strong respect for Alcoholics Anonymous and its traditions. Just because I was taught. And because when I was newly sober, I've always hated that stuff. It really appeals to me to really hear some of the defiance and the, man, I love that stuff. But the reality is that being willing and being a part of that first tradition stuff, of just being another guy in the room, is 1,000% what I need to stay sober. Because if I can't coexist in these rooms and meetings, I cannot continue to get the solution. It's in the book, and I've seen it take guys out time and time again. I had a guy take me to a retreat in North Carolina that I go to twice a year that I absolutely love. It's my favorite thing that I do in AA. I have AA commitments like that. There's stuff that I go to every year. Because it's what I did when I first get sober, so I keep doing it to the best of my ability. I love my home group. It's a big book. The study bit's a little different. We go from step to step. So in the book where it says, we arrived at step three, and we go to step four, and stop at step five. I got sober here in the Atlanta area and went to a lot of different meetings. And at some point, we moved up to Kennesaw, and I put my meetings up there. So here are much larger meetings, and it's a much different vibe. And up there, it's a smaller town. And when you go to meetings in the area, it's all the same people. It's a lot of crossover. It's a little bit different. But I've kind of enjoyed that, being in a smaller group where I really get to know people. I had been members of larger groups before. I can't even begin to describe. So I got married and had a wedding where it was everybody. We're in the mainstream of life. But AA people showed up at that. And it was weird. It felt like it was somebody else's life, like it was a very normal thing, which I never thought that I would have. And for the most part, I guess, and it's different for everyone, but we did some of that stuff right, which is all stuff from AA people. Because I knew people who had relationships or married people who had done fairly well with that stuff in sobriety who were able to help me with it. I've had moments of sobriety. Like I had an injury where I got hurt pretty bad at work. And my wife was called to go to the hospital. And I had two people to call. And I had a buddy call an AA guy. And he stopped what he was doing. And he showed up, not for me. He showed up for my wife. And he sat with her when I was in the operating room. And this is one example of many things. But listen, man, my friends. I didn't know people. I didn't have relationships or situations where people would do that for me or I would do that for them. Just this year, this is an interesting one now. So one of the things I learned that was very difficult I've seen in AA is paying the money back, which is not something that I wanted to do. But there was one guy, I couldn't get in touch with him. I remember, so when I made amends to one guy, we talked about Dave. I remember him saying, yeah, man, I think he's a little resentful. I think he's mad about the money. I'm really not. I'd already done, man, like maybe two years or so. I didn't know I owed the guy money. Because he had got a gas bill. We got a gas bill in his name because the gas company already wouldn't give me an account. So I ran it up and never paid it. And then they added charges like $500. I tried to get in touch with him. There were multiple times. I addressed it specifically. And I got to the point where my sponsor was like, hey, man, if you don't hear back, just go ahead and do it in chunks and send it, pick a charity and send it off. It's not your money. This had dragged on. And then finally he responded just recently. And I said, hey, man, can I send you $50 a month? And he, of anyone I know, we drank exactly the same. He was a guy who he saw me drink and I saw him drink. We drank exactly the same. And I know. And the first conversation was hostile. Like, it was still hostile. And then the second conversation was a little better. And this is what I've learned a little bit more now in LA. I didn't launch into telling him about what I do and how I do it, the solution I have for him, this and that. What I've realized now, and he's very skeptical, I could tell, is that I send that check every month. The best example I could ever be for any way is, I just send that check every month. And at some point, if he wants to know, he'll ask me. If that conversation, you know, if that trust ever happened. I think now is as good a time as any to stop. I will read, I just really like this and I'll read this. This is something I always liked. And then it's in Dr. Bob's Nightmare. I think I'd just be able to turn to it. And we also, like when we're at a meeting, when we had a choice to read something, this is what we wanted to read. And I remember moving and going to, it was kind of weird because I had a home group and I was switching home groups and things were changing. You know, I had some issues with sponsorship. And sobriety that weren't comfortable at some point. And I'm super happy now. The sponsor I have now is awesome. There are days I don't love him because he is brutal. He spares me no expense. He is very honest with me, right? Like he doesn't give me an inch. But I remember I'm going to this new area and I showed up at what was my home group now and they read this at the meeting. And I knew when they read it at the meeting that that was a place that I belonged, right? This is from Dr. Bob's Nightmare. I spend a great deal of time passing on what I learned to others who want and need it badly. I do it for four reasons. A sense of duty. Two, it is a pleasure. Three, because in doing so, I am paying my debt to the man who took time to pass it on to me. Four, because every time I do it, I take out a little more insurance for myself against a possible slip. Unlike most of our crowd, I did not get over my craving for liquor much during the first two and one half years of abstinence. It was almost always with me. But at no time... have I been anywhere near yielding. I used to get terribly upset when I saw my friends drink and knew I could not. But I schooled myself to believe that though I once had the same privilege, I had abused it so frightfully that it was withdrawn. So it doesn't behoove me to squawk about it, for after all, nobody ever had to throw me down and pour liquor down my throat. If you think you are an atheist, an agnostic, a skeptic, or have any other form of intellectual pride, which keeps you from accepting what is in this book, I feel sorry for you. If you still think you are strong enough to beat the game alone, that is your affair. But if you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor, for good and all, and sincerely feel that you must have some help, we know that we have an answer for you. It never fails. If you go about it with one half the zeal you have been in the habit of showing when you are getting another drink, your Heavenly Father will never let you down. I can say that if it weren't for AA, the relationship I have with the higher power, the fact that I pray, and most importantly, that I know that I need a power to stay sober, and that it's not me, it does not come from me, that's probably the main thing that this program has given me. And I appreciate the opportunity to share with you. Thank you.