Bob S. Wrestled the Ghosts of Unspoken Apologies

Hell, I thought he was going to say more than that. When I got here, they told me I'd never be alone again, and I look up here and I'm a real alcoholic. My name's Bob McKinney. Hi, everybody. It's good to be here tonight. It's good to be here tonight sober. And the reason I'm sober tonight is because I found a substitute. Like it talks about in the big book, that substitute's a fellowship called Alcoholics Anonymous, and I found a God of my understanding. And I found a sponsor who cared more about getting me well than he did hurting my feelings. And he always tells me, he says, you're telling me your sobriety date, which is September 17, 1983, and for that I'm forever grateful. And he says, mention your home group, which is a new group we just started a few months ago, and it's called the New Beginnings Group. And he says, things go okay. You might want to mention my name. And a lot of you know him. His name's Sterling Watson. He's a great man, and I love him. And he's the kind of man that believes in the... He's taught me a lot about... I'm a fundamentalist AA. And for a fundamentalist AA back in Greenwood, Greenwood, South Carolina, that means that we've got a book up there that's got 571 pages in it, and not 164, so... And we studied that book. And we believe in speaker meetings. We believe in sharing our experience, strength, and hope with each other. And we believe in studying that book, so... I'm a fundamentalist AA, and I'm just glad to be here. I'm just full of gratitude. I'm sort of like the old gal down in Mississippi. She said, you know, I'm just so grateful. She said, you know, I ain't got but two teeth, but thank God they meet. I get nervous when I do one of these. I... You know, and I guess that's God shaking the lies out of me, but that's okay. I'm so like the old drunk. You know, the first time he got ready to share his story, he went to the sponsor. He said, I can't do it. He said, I just... I just can't get up from a crowd and do that. He said, I'll pass out. I'll wet my pants. I'll... I just can't do it. And the sponsor told him. You know, sponsors do everything about everything, right? You know, he told him. He said, look. He said, there's a trick to it. He said, you just get up there, and he says, you stand up there, and you introduce yourself. And he says, you just look out in the audience, and you pick the dumbest guy that you can find out there, and said, you just focus in on him all night long. And you'll look at that guy all night long, and he says, you'll be able to share your experience straight to them, and said, it'll be fine. And the guy said, well, it worked, and sponsors don't lie. You know, sponsors don't lie. And he said, sure, it'll work. He said, get up there and do it. Finally, an old guy got up in front of his home group. I mean, he was nervous. He couldn't... He started introducing... He couldn't even hardly introduce himself, and finally, he just looked out there. He froze, and all of a sudden, he saw the dumbest looking guy. The dumbest looking guy he'd ever seen in his life. He just focused in on him. And he started sharing his story. And, I mean, it just came out with wonderful... I mean, he just... And, man, everybody was clapping, going crazy. And after they got through, he'd come running up to them and said, God, that was just great. What a great job you did. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And that old boy, looking at it all night long, came running up to him and just cold cocked him. Knocked him flat on his back. And the guy jumped up, and he says, so what'd you do that for? Was it that bad? And he said, hell no. I mean, you got... That's the same sponsor. So, if I'm focusing in on somebody tonight, don't take it personally, huh? I'll tell you. My sponsor tells me, don't tell jokes up here. So, I just get around that. You know how alcoholics are. We just tell stories, you know. And we tell true stories. And the reason I know they're true stories is because other alcoholics tell them to you. You know? An old buddy of mine by Jack, Jack Cass from Louisville, Kentucky, and I'm sure you all know him. And we get together every now and then, and we'll exchange these true stories. And I love the one he tells about, you know, an Alcoholics Anonymous, you know. We got other groups that borrow our program, you know. We got Gamlas Anonymous, and they use our program, and it works for them. And we got Narcotics Anonymous. They borrowed our program, and it works for them. We've got Ovidus Anonymous. They borrowed our program, and it works for them. And prostitutes started using it. And it was working well for them until it got to that part that said, in order to keep it, you've got to give it away. And so, I might be the last. True story I'll tell up here tonight. It's just good to be here tonight. Ran into a lot of old friends I hadn't seen in a while, and it's just always good. You know, it's, you know, I don't know where I'm going to stay up here. And I went and walked out on by the beach today, and I said, God, you know, let me get connected. And I was telling the gentleman up here with 47 years of sobriety a few minutes ago, I said, I ask him, I always ask people, I don't know why I've got this thing about me. How long have you been sober, you know? And he said, oh, about 47. And I said, thank God, you know, thank God for the old-timers. Thank God. Thank God for the people who still suit up and show up. Because let me tell you something. I stand and sit in too many meetings with my little 13 1⁄2 years of sobriety, and I'm the one with the most sobriety, and that's dangerous as hell, I'll tell you. Thank God for the old-timers. Please keep coming. Please keep showing up, because I need you. Because, see, I'm at that point in sobriety where I think, you know, maybe this is all there is. And I need for you to come telling me that I need to keep seeking. I need to keep, I need to stay green. I need to stay enthusiastic. And I can remember, if I could just keep that enthusiasm I had for that first year, year and a half, when I was in the program off-court synonymous. I mean, it was a meeting here, it was a meeting there, it was a meeting there, it was a meeting here. I ain't working no steps, but, man, I'm into meetings, you know. But I'm enthusiastic, you know, and I stayed prayed up, you know. God, I didn't know how to pray. I just prayed, you know. God, don't let me drink today. Don't let me drink. I just love this fellowship. I really do. And I thought of people standing behind this podium, and, you know, they talk about how they were different, you know. And I was thinking about that, you know. I guess everybody in this room, we were all different. But, you know, the way I got it figured, all of them are different, you know. We just had that feeling that we were different, you know. I knew I was different when I was in third grade. I didn't take my first drink until I was 16, but I could have used one in the third grade, I believe. That's when I started feeling different. I went to a Cub Scout meeting, and I sat around there. And everybody had their daddies there but me. And I was sitting there, you know. I didn't have a daddy. And I went home and asked my mama. I said, Mama, how come I don't have a daddy? She said, Well, it's a long story, son. My dad and I got divorced. And she said, It doesn't matter. I said, I'll talk to you about it one day. Well, it did matter. You see, that was the time in my life when I started comparing me with them and what they had and what I had. And, see, I started looking around. Here I grew up in Manning, South Carolina. And we grew up in a little, we lived in a little small white-framed house. And I was a little bit of a man. I was a little bit of a man. And I was sort of ashamed of that because, see, I looked across the street and there was a big old nice house. And they had a mom and they had a dad and they had four or five brothers. They had two cars in their garage. And, see, I had to walk to school in the morning. They'd stop and ask me if I wanted to ride. And I'd say, No, I don't want to ride because I was embarrassed. And, of course, I'm a people pleaser. And they'd ask me again. And I'd climb in the back seat. And, you know, every time I'd climb in that back seat, I just felt like I was second class. And I'd get to school, you know, and I don't know how I felt this way. I remember Ms. Rose Irvin. She got up when I was in third grade. And she stood up in front of that class. And she said, We've got one too many students. We've got an extra student in this class. Well, I almost got up and walked out because I knew she was talking about me. You know? I don't know why I felt that way. I just felt that way, you know? My mind was racing, you know? You know, I got two speeds and I'd stop and wide open, you know? No in between, you know? They'd tell me to stand up and I'd want to sit down. They'd tell me to run. I'd walk. They'd tell me to shut up. I'd talk. You know how we are, you know? I just always felt like, you know, I was the loneliest person in that class. And I don't know why I felt that way. I just felt I cried a lot when I was growing up. Hell, I don't know. I just cried. I mean, I kissed my first girl when I was 12 years old. I just bursted out crying. I don't know why. After I took a drink of alcohol, I tried to kiss a lot of them. Most of them started crying after that. I took my first drink when I was 16 in Howe Ring, Calvin. I didn't plan on taking a drink. Howe Ring, Calvin just came out of the house and let's ride down to the lake and have a beer. You might like it. Bought some champagne. Champagne. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I drank champagne just too late. Just too late. Drank two bottles. Nothing happened after that first bottle that I can recall, but it was that second bottle. I said, if you're an alcoholic sitting in this room, I got that feeling that we get. And you know what it is. It was sort of that feeling that took me out of the world of reality into that false world of utopia. And I am too to believe you how to handle situations that used to battle me. And no much, I don't care how much I drank. I drank. I knew my experience was going to be beneficial to others. I had found a new happiness and a new freedom. And I'm 16 years old. Now, when you're 16 years old and you start drinking and you're going to drink for the next 28 years, it offers you a lot of opportunities. You get to experience what it is to have six, seven DUIs. You get to experience what it's like to total three cars. You get to experience to have a federal bankruptcy in your life as a result of the alcoholic behavior. You get to experience it. In 1969, three cops in Greensboro, North Carolina, jerked me out of a motel room and handcuffed me and threw me in the back seat of a car. And they're taking me downtown. And I don't know why. And I finally get the guts enough to ask one of the cops, why are you taking me downtown to jail? And he looked at me with all the hate and disgust in his eyes. And he says, don't you know what you did tonight? And I didn't. Because, you see, I'm a blackout drinker. And I'm 26 years old. And he looked at me and he said, six more inches to the left. And he said, you'd kill a 19-year-old kid. Seven o'clock the next morning, I'm drinking alcohol with a bail bondsman trying to figure out how I can get out of that mess. See, when you drink alcohol like me, it gives you the opportunities to abandon families and to run around on wives and to use people and to abuse people. When you drink alcohol like me, you have no respect for your fellow man. You have no respect for your fellow man. You have no respect for your fellow man. You have no respect for yourself. You have no respect for your children. I'm an alcoholic, and I don't know I'm an alcoholic. I became a liar and a cheat and a thief early on in my life. And I think I became a thief when I was about 10 years old and I stole $20 from my mom. And I went uptown and bought some BB guns and I just spread them all over the neighborhood. And I came home that night and I told my mom, if you think I stole that $20, you're wrong, Mom. And from that point on, I learned how to lie because she didn't know I'd stolen $20. I didn't know I'd stolen $20 until I'd made that stupid mistake. But I'll never forget that night. My mom told me about something that I never came back in touch with until I got to the program Alcoholics Anonymous and she talked to me about a thing called a conscience. She said, son, if you've got a conscience, she said, I hope you've got one. It'll always tell you whether you're doing right or wrong. And see, when I started drinking alcohol, I drank away that conscience. But you know, I used to tell lies. You know, I told Sterling. You know, Sterling told me one time, he said, yeah, you probably told so many lies you'd have to get your neighbor to call you. Dog. And a lot of truth in that. But you know, I used to be one of these kind of drinkers. Now, I've drank it all. I mean, I don't like to stay too long a little drunk. If you don't know how to drink liquor, we'll get together out here and we can tell lies all night long when I'm drinking liquor, you know. But my favorite drink was Gatorade and vodka. God, that ain't that bad, man. Come on, man. I mean, you know, that Gatorade's got that glucose in it that just gives it to you right quick, you know. You see that? Y'all heard the loud mouth over there. Yelling over there. For all you newcomers in here, that's not a newcomer, I can tell you. Because all the newcomers are sitting around wondering whether they're looking at me. Are they all looking at me? See, the old times, just yell because they know they ain't looking at us. If you're a newcomer in this room tonight, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. You're in for a treat. I'll tell you that right now. You're in for a treat. You know, one of the things, when I get bored in Alcoholics Anonymous, I just get a newcomer. And you know the first thing I ask him? Tell me your plans. That's good for about a two-day. Laugh, you know. Like you really care about his plans. If I don't get rid of that woman, I'm going to get drunk. If I don't get a woman, I'm going to get drunk. Let's just switch and all stays sober, you know. One of my favorites, I used to hang around these good old boy bars. You know, the ones that are about three or four blocks off the main drag, you know. No front doors on them, you know. Don't even have names on them, you know. You slide in there about 10, 30, 11 o'clock in the morning trying to act hip-slick and cool, you know. And ease up with that old boy and say, how about a little vodka? Start knocking them down, you know. Start fellowshipping a little bit, you know. And they'd start coming in, you know, on the left and the right. I'd start doing the line. I'd say, what do you do, hot shot? He'd say, well, since I've retired, I'm a traveling salesman. He'd say, traveling salesman? He'd say, well, what did you do before you became a traveling salesman? I'd say, well, I used to... I used to be a professional football player. Now, I'm going to tell you something. If you want to get them, talk about football in the South. Yeah, who'd you play for? I played for the New York Giants. When did you play? Early 60s. Yeah, man, right on. Hell, they don't remember, man. You'll be buying your drinks and you'll be having fun. Floating along there, man, just rocking and rolling, you know. I was telling that lie to that lad in Georgia one night. I had about three deep, boy, and I was on. I mean, I had that lie. But I swear, I was beginning to believe a little bit of it. I mean, this old guy sitting on the other side of the sky I was lying to, and he said, looking over there at me, and he finally looked over and he said, he said, who'd you say you played for? I said, the New York Giants. He said, when did you play? And I said, early 60s, 62 through about 66, somewhere along there. He got real quiet. He said, you know, I lived in New York from 1959 to 1970. He said, I had season. I had season tickets to the New York Giants football game. He said, I never missed a game. He said, what position did you play? You know it's getting ready to come down, right? I thought real quick, because we ain't stupid. You know, alcoholics ain't stupid. We ain't crazy. We ain't stupid. I thought real quick, and he won't remember this. I said, I was a defensive back. And it got just as quiet as it is in this room right now. He said, you know, I believe I was there that Sunday afternoon. You intercepted the pass, ran it back for a touchdown. I looked at him, and he looked at me, and I knew that he knew that I was lying, but that old boy drank three the rest of the night. I'll tell you that. As God is my witness, we had a guy that came in the AA, came in the Alcoholics and Domestic Green, but his name was Frank. And Frank was sitting in a meeting one night, and he punched the guy next to him, and he said, you see that old boy over there? And the guy said, yeah. He said, that's Bob McKinney. He used to play professional football. You got to be careful. I mean, you know, you got to be careful the way you tell them lies. I don't know about you. Maybe y'all can relate to some of this. I always had financial problems. That was why I drank so much. When and then. I was a when and then drinker. When I get this, then I'm going to be okay. When I get that better job, now I'll straighten up. When I get that bigger house, when and then, when and then. I never could get it together for some reason. I always had those financial problems, you know. I had a wife and two kids, you know. But, see, I got one. Maybe you had one, too. A caretaker, a neighbor. Now, my best neighbor and my chief neighbor was my mom. Now, my mom's a nurse at Merritt-Claren Memorial Hospital. And the height of her earning career, she made between $10,000 and $12,000. I was going forward. I called mom. I said, Mom, I'll be through town next week. Love to see you. She said, come on down, Bobby. That's what she called me, Bobby. I'd get down there and I'd say, she'd say, son, how's it going? And I'd say, Mom, wish you hadn't asked that. You know, alcoholics can get real humble right before we're getting ready to lie. So, I'd put the touch on her. She said, son, how much you need? And I'd say, $500, Mom. She'd write that check up, Bobby McKinney, $500. I'd stand in that doorway, that little old white-framed house she was proud of and I shamed of. And I'd hug my mom. And I'd say, Mom, this time it's going to be different. She said, how's it going to be different, son? Some will pay you back. I'd go up to Bank Clarence and old Boots Yard and cash that check for me. And she's not an alcoholic. She's just a friend I graduated from high school. She looked me straight in the eye. And she said, Bob, she said, how's your mom doing? I said, Mom's doing fine. She said, how's Bob doing? And I hated her when she asked that. You know why I hated her? Because she knew how I was doing. She knew I came out and put the touch on Mom. On the way out of town, there was a little liquor store. And I'd stop in and get my vodka and my Gatorade. And I'd go back to Charlotte, where we were living at the time. And I did, you know, probably one of the most dangerous things an alcoholic can do is drink and think. You know, I was always in control and was always going to change when I was drinking. You know? That's never when I was. I was not drinking that I was going to change. But I'd get to drinking that vodka. And I'd get to drinking that vodka and Gatorade. And I'd get to thinking about it. You know, it's a nice time for me to straighten up. A nice time for me to be a better son to my mom. A better husband and his wife and two kids. I'm a better citizen. I'm better. I mean, I'm going to change. And what it is, I'm getting drunk. I'm getting excited about it. I'm going to change. But I'm getting drunk in the meantime. And I'm a blackout drinker. And so three or four days later, I come to it. God knows where. God knows who. Go look in that mirror. It looked like 10 miles away. It was a worn-out road. Find that bottle. Knock down about two or three drinks. Go look in the mirror again. Say, it ain't that bad. Start that vicious cycle. Pick up the phone. And you know what happens when you call home. And you haven't called home three or four days. Nobody knows where you are. And you start singing that AA National Anthem. Honey, I don't know what's wrong with me. It's a lot of stress. A lot of pressure lately. I just lost it all for a couple of days, honey. I'll tell you what. If you'll let me come back this time, I'll change. And it gets quiet on the other end. And you know when it gets quiet, you know you're making a little headway. Finally, she'd say those magic words. The alcoholics, oh, we all love to hear. Do you promise? Two or three months later, I pick up the phone and call Mom again. Mom, be through man next week. Love to see you. Come on down, son. Love to have you. Well, she hadn't asked that, Mom. How about $700? $1,200? $1,800? $2,500? $1,500? Mom, how about $7,000 this time? It's going to be different. I'm going to change. Let me tell you how I changed, ladies and gentlemen. My mom picked up the phone. My mom called me in July of 1981. She said, son, she said, will you come down and see me? She says, I need some help. She said, Dr. King's put me in the hospital. And she said, I don't think it's anything serious, but will you come down and take care of things for me for a day or two? First thing I did was got a resentment because, see, I'm selfish and self-centered, and I don't want to help anybody. I get down there. Long story short, my mom's in the hospital. And I see Dr. King, and Dr. King tells me, says, son, says, Bob, says, your mom's got cancer and says, I don't think she'll leave this hospital. And she didn't. She stayed in there about 28 days, and she died. Now, let me tell you how I changed. The night before my mom died and left this life and went to that next life, I was sitting in that room. And my mom came out of that deep sleep because of the medication she was on, and she looked at me, and she said, son, will you come over to the bed? I want to talk to you. And I said, sure. She took her two hands, and she put mine between them, and she looked me straight in the eye. I said, son, I want to talk to you. I said, sure. I said, sure. With all the love that a mother could have for her son. And she said, Bob, I want you to do something for me. I said, what's up, mom? She said, I know the end's near. I know the end's near, but I'm not afraid to die because, you see, my mom had found her God in the Manor Methodist Church. She said, will you stay here with me until it's over? I looked at my mom with all the strength that I can muster in every fiber of my body and said, I'll be right here. My mom, I sat down in that chair, and my mom slipped off, in that sleep, and I did it again. I started thinking. You know, I can go out and have a couple of drinks, and I can be back here, and I can be with mom, and I can look good because, see, looking good's important. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous describes this alcoholic the best when it says, once I take a drink, that I no longer control my behavior or how much alcohol I'm going to consume. That's me. I can hear that phone ringing the next morning at 6.30 a.m. when that nurse is on the other end, and she says, you better get here, and you better get here quick. When I got back to that hospital, my mom had left this life and gone to that next life alone. You know, I had become so hard and so mean and so angry, not at her, but people around me, and not at myself, because I couldn't admit that I was angry at myself. I could not shed one tear at my mother's funeral the next day. I didn't know how to love. I knew how to hate. I didn't know how to respect. I had just lost it all. All I was was a shell of a man, and I was a user, and I was an abuser. Now, anybody, anybody would stay with their poor mom one night and give her the pleasure of just leaving this life with a son by his side. Shortly thereafter, I blamed them because it's their fault. See, I abandoned my wife and my two kids. My 18-year-old daughter stood in that living room with tears coming down her cheeks and said, Dad, don't leave. Get help. The only help I need is in the front seat of the car, and that's a bottle of vodka. I abandoned them and left them. Moved down to Greenville, South Carolina. Knocked on the door over at Woodbridge Apartments. And this beautiful lady swung her door open down there, and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. She thought I was rich because I still had a company car and a credit card, and I knew she was beautiful, and we just fell in sick right there. We went out, and I noticed something different about her. Everything she agreed with, everything she talked about, I agreed with, and everything I talked about, she agreed with. And every time I took a drink, she took a drink. Match made in heaven. We moved in shortly thereafter to carry on this beautiful relationship, and the long and short of it is, she's got the same problem I got. But there's another situation that's in that apartment, and that situation or that problem is seven years old, and his name is Rob. No, Rob was four years old, excuse me, when I met him. And nothing or anybody had ever interfered with my drinking, and I don't know why this did it, but I didn't like Rob, and he didn't like me, and the reason I didn't like him was because he was there. And Norman Rockwell's got a fantastic way of painting the American dream. You know, the little white house with the picket fence and the man and the wife, you know the scene. I wonder what Norman Rockwell would paint if he could see the disease of alcoholism through the eyes of a four-year-old child. Because it might be something like this. He'd get up in the morning, he'd walk into the living room, and sometimes I'd be passed out on the floor, and sometimes I'd have clothes on, sometimes I wouldn't. So at Christmas I came in and I had blood all over me, and he'd see sirens, and he'd hear sirens, and see cops come into that apartment, and all this commotion, and he'd hear me cussing and ranting and raving while I'd got in a fight. He'd see me cussing and ranting and raving while I'd got in a fight. He'd see me cussing and ranting and raving while I'd got in a fight. He'd see me murdering his mom up and down the alley, I mean up in that parking lot where we lived in that apartment. That little old boy swung his mom's bedroom door open one morning and caught us in a very compromising position, and you know what I'm talking about. Let me tell you how four-year-olds react to a life like that. About three o'clock every morning you can hear those blood-curling screams coming from their rooms. And I'd jump up and I'd run down to that room and I'd throw that door open and he'd be standing, and he'd be sitting in his bed and he'd be taking his fist and he'd just be fighting out like a wounded animal, crying out in pain, having that nightmare that I'm having. It's that the only difference between me and him is, let's say I'm an alcoholic and he's not, but we suffer from the same disease. And if you don't believe anything you hear this weekend, believe this, you don't have to drink alcohol to suffer from alcoholism. Because this goes on for three years. The end came for me, and I'm living with this lady, and she's a drunk and I'm a drunk, and she don't mind me sharing that because she's going to share it with you Saturday morning. The end came for me in September of 1983, and the end for me, and I always like to talk about my last drunk just for a few minutes because if you don't remember the last drunk I've been told, you probably ain't had it yet. See, I came to a point in my life in September of 1983 where I was drinking a half a gallon of vodka a day. I was drinking a half a gallon of vodka a day that I didn't want to drink. I was buying liquor I didn't want to drink, and I was trying to find that feeling that I got after that second bottle. A champagne I took when I was 16, and it was gone. And the end came for me in September the 12th of 1983 or somewhere along there when this lady I was living with, she asked me to go get a birthday cake for her son's seventh birthday. Of course, I'm too drunk to do it, and I didn't do it. And she came home, and she left a note on the kitchen counter, and she asked me to get out, and I didn't get out. I followed her to a grocery store, and we had this big awful, gosh, awful fight, and she tells it better in her story than I do. And I came home, and I blacked out, and I came to that night, and when it talks about in the big book, it says that once we make alcohol the king, that one day we will face those hideous four horsemen, terrible bewilderment, frustration, and despair, and we'll go no longer than a few have. And that was my night, and that was my bottom, and that was my moment of clarity. It was like my whole life just flashed in front of me. I couldn't get drunk. I couldn't get sober. I wanted to live, and I wanted to die. I was drinking alcohol I didn't want to drink, and, you know, I could get physically drunk, but I couldn't get mentally drunk, and the only reason I ever drank was to get out of me. Me, me, me, you know. If this alcoholic ever had a theme song, it was like I always got me on my mind. I sponsor a guy back in Greenville. His name's Doug. He says, you know, I ain't much, but I'm all I ever think about. And, you know, when you get to the point where you're drinking a half a gallon a day, and it's doing nothing, but you just physically die, and you're mentally crazy, you know what I mean? You do something. And when I came home that night, I said, if you'll get me somewhere, I need help. Mind you, I didn't say I want to quit drinking. I just need help. Well, long story short, I ended up in Peacheswood Hospital on September 16, 1983, and I used my dry date the next day. And the gentleman I was talking about a few minutes ago, you know, we were talking about, you know, he said he had been in DTs in 47 years, and I related because I tell you what, I don't care how much medicine they got, and I don't care how many pills they got, and I don't care how much dope they got, I don't care how much they got, man, if you drink as much as I do, you're going to see some yellow alligators and some purple snakes and blue monkeys, and they're 10 feet tall. And I was in DT, and I went through that health for about a week or 10 days, and I guarantee you, dying would have been a pleasure. But you know, it's amazing how quick we recover. I went over to that treatment site the next day, and I started whining right off, you know. If you had my problems, you drank too. You know, there's a little difference between a drunk and a dog. You let both of them in the house, and the dog quit whining. I'm sitting around that treatment center whining, and we go down to this room one day, and this little red-headed smart aleck doctor gets behind this podium, and he says, he tells me about the disease of alcoholism, and I'm sitting over there in that corner with my shoulder up against the wall with that mask on. You know that mask we wear. He passes out those questions, those 44 questions, and I took mine and started covering them up. I don't want them copying my paper. I don't know how smart they are. We got through it. He said, ladies and gentlemen, if you may suggest two of those questions, you're probably an alcoholic. If you may suggest three or more, you're definitely an alcoholic. And guess what? You're going to die an alcoholic, whether you like it or not. I made a quick tally, and I will, and it's a guess to all but one of them. Come to find out later, I lied about that one. Hey, listen, I see a lot of he-men out there. How would you answer this stupid question? Has alcohol ever interfered with your sex life? Come on, get real. Give me a fifth of liquor, and I'll show you Don Juan all night long, man. I was telling Lib how I answered that after I got out of treatment. She laughed for about two weeks. He talked about the three things that we have. He talked about that chemical imbalance. He talked about, of course, character defects, and he talked about this thing up here between our ears that we got the audacity to call it a brain, and you know what he called it? A cripple instrument. I understand that today. Bill Wilson understood that back 50, 60 years ago. You know why I know he understands it? It says, upon awakening, upon awakening, this is the only time we've got a chance to make any plans. Now, remember this. Upon awakening, for the next 24 hours, we can make some plans, but immediately we ask for direction to keep us from, to divorce us from self-pity, dishonesty, dishonesty in self-seeking mothers. Now, it says upon awakening that don't say, wake up, go to the bathroom, get your coffee, sit down, and then ask for direction. And I know why he says that because I've been known to get drunk from the bedroom to the bathroom. And I got a mind that sits there all night long. And when I wake up, the first thing it says, I've been waiting to talk to you all night long. That's why we got a cripple, isn't it? And I was all stored, old boy told me. Now, this is another true story. Old boy told it last night. He said, you know, we alcoholics think, we go around and tell everybody we're smarter than everybody else. Now, I've never heard anybody but an alcoholic say that, you know? It was like the old drunk, you know, somebody called and was ironed by the phone. He picked up the iron and put it against the side of his face and he went up to me and said, what the hell happened to your side of the face? He said, well, you won't believe this, the iron, and thought it was the phone and I got a scar on the side of the face, you know? He said, what happened? I scarred the other side of your face. He said, the fool called back. Another true story. That doctor sitting up there and he's talking about disease of alcoholism and he said, ladies and gentlemen, he said one of the most profound statements that's ever been said, this alcoholic. He said, if you're an alcoholic sitting in this room tonight or this morning, he said, you need to make a decision before you leave this facility on how you want to die. Not how you want to live, how you want to die. Now, for some reason that stayed with this, how I want to die? Come on now, man. I mean, I'm 44 years of old. I ain't ready yet. But that rang a bell with me for some reason I didn't want to die drunk. He said, if you don't want to die drunk, he says, I'll tell you. There's a program called Alcoholics Anonymous I'd recommend you go to. And I said, no way. Because I'd been to one of them stupid meetings about a year ago up in Charlotte, North Carolina where I had resided up there. This lady took me to a meeting. Her name was Nancy and I told her I'd go just to prove that I was not one of them. Walked in that room and it must have been about a hundred people in there and they were all bunched over in a corner. And it was two or three big old silver pots in this corner. And I looked over there and they were mad as hell. And the reason I knew they were mad because those red lights had not gone off on those silver pots over there. And when those red lights went off, they all went running over there to those silver pots and they started putting that brown stuff in them. They started laughing. They started hugging each other. And my gosh, he says, do you want a cup? And I says, you better believe it. Guy got by the name of Joe, got up and told Bob a story and I laughed and made fun of him. They gave out those silly chips. They gave a guy a birthday cake and a chip for not taking a drink of alcohol for one year. And you know what my thoughts were? If I don't take a drink for one year, they're going to give me more than a damn cake and a chip. I'll tell you that. Guy told me after the meeting, he says, look, he says, you need a big book. And I said, what's a big book? And he showed it to me. It was $4. Didn't have pictures of naked women. Filthy jokes. And that's what I've been buying for $2. And I wasn't interested. He said, you need to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. And I said, why? He said, to start that 180 degree turnaround. I said, how long these meetings last? He said, about an hour, hour and a half, two hours out of your busy schedule. I said, two hours? My gosh. You know, I've thought about that a lot since I've been here. One thing I ran out of when I got to Alcoholics and Domino's, that was time. I ran out of time. You know, for the ones of you that didn't drink but two hours a day remained seated and let's let the rest of us leave. You know, I go to Alcoholics. I sponsor people. I say, you going to a meeting? I don't have time. Don't have time. I had time to lay up drunk for 28 years. And I get to Alcoholics and Domino's and I'm behind. You know, I'm trying to catch up. It's amazing how this thing works. Don't have time. Don't have time. Then you see them six months later and they look like, God Almighty, you know, what happened to you? Well, drank a little light beer. Bet you got time now. Anyway, before I left, he said, in that treatment center, you know, and that doctor made some remark right before we went out there and he says, look, he says, why don't you talk to this God that you don't even know about? Just maybe just pray while you're in here just to ask Him to help you. I didn't want to hear anything about that because I was full of shame and I was full of guilt. For some reason, I crawled back to that room that morning and I just said that prayer that everybody in this room said one time or another. Very simple. We've all said it. God help me. Now, I didn't see them burning bushes. I didn't have anything that's a wonderful feeling to me. I didn't have anything that's a wonderful feeling over me. But that afternoon, I sat with a group of 25 people and when it came around to my turn, they called it group therapy or whatever, and they were talking about the inner child and all. I told them, hell, I was looking for the inner adult. You know, and I quit being a smart aleck that morning when it came around to me and the councilor, she said, would you like to share, Bob? And I said, yeah. I said, my name's Bob McKinnon and I'm an alcoholic and I started crying. I'm a 44-year-old man and I'm sitting up here because John Wayne's don't cry and I'm crying in front of 25 strangers and I'm telling people what a rotten human being I am and I tell them about why I treat my poor mom and how I leave my family on a Christmas day and I stay drunk for three weeks and how I used to have to fence hot jewelry to support those other habits out there, mainly women and gambling and I went on and on and on and you know what? They didn't laugh. They didn't judge me. That councilor, she came and she was the active member of Alcoholics Anonymous and she put her arms around me and she said, sweetheart, she said, I think you can make it now and I said, why is that sealed? She said, because you're beginning to get on. She said, that's where it starts. She said, there's a life out there that you've never lived. She said, look, you've had second chances all your life but if you become involved in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous it will give you a chance at a second life, not second chance. I've had second chances all my life but when I got involved with a program called Alcoholics Anonymous I developed a chance at a second life. Second life. I came running Alcoholics Anonymous about two or three weeks later and I'm full of it. Man, I'm telling you, they pumped me up and they told me I had learned much down there in 28 days that I'd learn in AA in a year and that just qualified for me to be one of your twisted leaders. I grabbed a little bite of hand and we went to 9,814 meetings that first year and I'm running for Rookie of the Year. Come to find out they don't even have one. I picked up my birthday chip and I just got up in front of a so-called home group and cried and lied and thanked them for helping me to grow so much. I mean, that was damn right sickening. I mean, it really was. And two months later I'm sitting outside of a meeting and I'm taking everybody's inventory but mine. Old boy sat in the front seat of his car and his name is Jason and he said, Bob, when are you going to join AA? And I said, what do you mean, Jason? I've been an active member of this program now for 14 months. He said, no, Bob. He said, let me tell you the difference. Let me tell you the difference between people who join AA and people who don't. I said, what is that, Jason? He says, it's called Walkers and Talkers. He says, Talkers are not members of Alcoholics Abundance but Walkers are. And he says, you wasn't a hell of a talker, Bob. He said, Alcoholics Abundance is not going to join you. Maybe you can join AA. And he suggested something that just made me so doggone mad. He suggested that I go read Chapter 5 in the big book. Now, I don't know about your meetings but back in Greenville we read Chapter 5 at the time. Chapter 5, hear how it works. I ain't listened to how it worked in a year and a half. Say, hey, how you doing, boy? You all right? Hey, man, what's going down? What's going down? How it works. I'll tell you, we got an old boy back home. His name's Kim. He gets behind that podium. He said, my name's Kim Bedell and I got 26 years of sobriety and profile college synonymous. This is life or death. I'm going to read how it works. I suggest you pay attention, please. And he reads how it works and guess what? I pay attention. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. And that night I went home and I read how it worked. And that's when I made a bigger mistake. I went and asked old Sterling to be my sponsor. He just looked at me and grinned. He said, I've been waiting on you. You know you're in trouble there when they're waiting on you. My friend Ray is going to take you through the steps tomorrow. That's not my job. I can just tell you there's steps that changed my life. And I've heard the 12 steps that you can break it down into four categories. Those first three steps are the giving up steps. Those next three steps are the owning up steps. Those next three are the paying up steps. And those last three are the growing up steps. And they were painful for me. They were very painful for me because you see I came here with an ego and no humility. I came here full of lies and full of shame and full of guilt. And I had hurt a lot of people in my life. And I had done a lot of things. It says that we don't regret the past nor do we wish to shut the door on it. I can tell you I don't regret the past but I can be honest and tell you this. I've done a lot of things in my past that I do regret. But I don't regret the past because see my past is my best asset. See that keeps me here because I can't go back there. See I don't want to hurt people anymore. I had two daughters that grew up right in front of my eyes and I missed a whole deal. I had to get there and I took that fourth and fifth step with Starlin. And he told me I was not a bad person. He told me I had to get honest because if I didn't get honest I was going to be as sick as my secrets. I remember I asked after I got through with Starlin he's helped me so much and I said Starlin I need to ask you this. I said how do you know if you're a good sponsor? He said it's very simple Bob. He said is your telephone ringing? A lot of times my telephone rings and sometimes it doesn't. He said if your telephone's not ringing he says you better take a look at your program. And sometimes when my telephone doesn't ring I do have to look at me because see it's not them it's me. I know that when we got to those painful amends steps and I had to go back to Charlotte, North Carolina and it says in that step it says that we have to become willing have to become willing to take a look at our program. I had to make those amends and I had to go back to Charlotte, North Carolina and I had to make amends to a lady who had given me 20 years and two weeks of her life. And you know a big book it tells us that we nine times out of ten the unexpected is going to happen and say for me I was willing for the good to happen but I was not willing for what she was going to say to me that morning. Because let me tell you what she said after I made those amends. She said I'm going to forgive you but I need to ask you a question. She says why is it that you couldn't have found a program called Alcoholics Anonymous in the God of your understanding while we were still together before you left me and these two kids? And I lost it because you see I can't answer that any more than I can say why didn't you get here three weeks, three months, three years before you got here? And I wallowed in that guilt for two years and finally in Johnson City, Tennessee one night I wrote that lady a 14 page letter and I got on my knees and I said God I don't know what to do with this but if you don't raise if you don't take this guilt away from me I will drink. And I got up the next morning I did my prayer and meditation and I tore that letter up and I have not looked back since. Because you see I have become willing to accept my part in that past and I can't change it. And I pray for her happiness every day and that's all I can do. My mom had already passed as you already knew and I knew that was going to be a painful event for me to make and I had to get spiritually fit to do that and I got advice from active members of the Pro-Alcoholics Anonymous and the main one was my sponsor. And what I had to do and this is just for me and I don't know how you would do it if you're some of the ones that you've loved and you've harmed and passed on. But I went down to Manning, South Carolina one spring morning and where my mom's buried is out in a beautiful little old countryside church and I walked on that graveside that morning and it was just me and God and my mom and I stood in front of that graveside and I told my mom what I'd been like what had happened to me and what I was trying to be like today. And you know that's one of the easiest amends that I've ever had to make because you see in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says that deep down in every man, woman, and child the fundamental idea of God exists. And it seems to me this alcoholic when I am childlike I am close to God. And I knew that morning that I was childlike and I was close to God and if I was childlike and I was close to God I know without a shadow of a doubt moms forgive little boys. And I walked off that graveyard and I told my mom I don't steal $20 bills. I don't steal any more. And I'm okay with that today. And as part of my healing process I go by there once or twice a year and I put flowers on the grave send them to a church and sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry. And it's okay to think. What's my life like today? Well old boy back home said it best than I can ever describe for it. He says my life's fantastic but nothing great ever happens. I say hey talk now you all understand that. My life's fantastic nothing great ever happens. That book that I love and there's those promises and one of them says the best years of my existence lie ahead and if it gets any better for me God I don't know what's going to happen. You know it's not my point of view anymore Sterling says it's just where I'm viewing from. You know I look at my rainbow like you look at yours today and it's got all the colors in it. It says that if my relationship with Him is right the great events are going to come to pass for me and countless others and that's you. Let me tell you just about a few of the great events that have come to happen in my life and I'm going to get off of here because I know we've got some ice cream to eat. God I love ice cream. You ain't an alcoholic if you don't like ice cream. Some of the great events have happened in my life when I abandoned my wife and kids in Charlotte, North Carolina I was an 18 year old daughter that stood in that living room and she begged me to stay begged me to get help. Well she's 34 years old today that took her 9 years to accept my amends and she wrote me a letter and she said Dad I forgive you but she said I hated your guts at one time. Since that has happened on July the 3rd July the 31st two years ago two and a half years ago at 8.55 a.m. she gave me one of the greatest gifts a man could ever receive and that was his first grandchild. And God's got a great sense of humor because see that child was born at 8.55 on a Sunday morning and guess where Granddad was? An 11 step meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And every time I go to that meeting I put two dollars in one for me and one for Addie. Now let me tell you another great event happened to me that day too. I flew up to Raleigh, North Carolina to see my first grandchild. The man that met me at the airport was old Hal Ray. The man I took my first drink with and he was seven years sober and prone to alcoholics anonymous. Great events have come to happen in my life. That daughter sat in our living room two years ago with tears coming down her eyes and she said Dad you and Lib she said if anything ever happens to me and Andy she says we want you to take Addie and we want you to give her what you've got. And that was the daughter that took nine years before she could accept my amends. And she looked at me and she said Dad she said that's not a tribute to you and Lib that's a tribute to a program called Alcoholics Anonymous. She called this past weekend guess what? Got another one on the way. December 23rd. What a gift. Great events have come to happen in my life. I got a daughter now she's 28 years old her name's Kelly. A few years back Lib and I had to go down to Columbia, South Carolina because she's got the same problem my dad got and we pulled her out of that bed in that cold damp. The apartment one afternoon and I looked at her and I sat her down one of the hardest things father ever had to do for his daughter and I looked at her and I said sweetheart because your dad I'm your dad and I love you and I think you're a lot like me I'm going to do for you what I wish somebody could have done for me at this age. I says we're taking you out of the University of South Carolina and you're going to come back and you're going to live with us for a year and I'm going to bring you and introduce you to some of my friends and you're going to go visit them every week for about a year and after that you own your own. She looked at me with all the hate and disgust in her eyes and she said my God Alcoholics Anonymous. My life's over. She got drunk after one year and she came by the house and she said dad I know you hate me. She said I got drunk but I'm going back to my home group tonight and pick up a chip because I need to. I looked at my daughter with all the love that our father can have for his child for his daughter and I said sweetheart I'm your dad. I'm going to love you whether you're drunk or whether you're sober. Don't go pick up a white chip because you need it. This is not a program for people who need it. This is a program for people who want it. Good Lord willing if she can stay sober for about 14 more days I will give her her six year chip at her home group. Her life is far from over. I can tell you she's the sunlight of our life. She just calls and she's just a great she's just a great kid. I love her. Rob. Rob's 20 years old. The miracle in his life is the nightmares are gone. He's a junior at Clemson University. He's a junior at Clemson University. He came home after his sophomore year and I was giving him one of my famous lectures about you know if he doesn't study hard he won't grow up to be like me and I was just he made a couple of bad grades you know and I almost started laughing because I had to get up and leave the room. That kid's got more had more credit after three semesters than I had in three years of college. I mean I went to college for seven years and I can guarantee that was a problem for me because the best three years I ever had when I was a freshman and I can tell you Rob's a beautiful beautiful child. I've just got to share just a minute about him. He was one of these that was a late bloomer and he was always smaller than other kids and got I mean he just tried so hard to excel in sports and he was always the catcher on the baseball team. He was always one that got to play the last two minutes in the football game. He was always the ones that got to play you know when the team was either winning or either losing too bad. It wasn't it didn't matter and then he got up to about the ninth or tenth grade I think it was and we took him to the doctors and the doctor says I don't think he'll ever be more than five, four, five, five, five, six and I mean it just broke our hearts and then all of a sudden doctors don't know everything. He grew up and he found his God in the Lord Baptist Church and he started playing for the church league and all of a sudden he's six one and he's six one and a half and he's the star in that league and I mean he's a beautiful kid and God we had drug him all over to every county game since he was seven or eight years old. I said oh my God I said you know is it ever going to end is it ever going to end and I often wondered if I'd been a good father to him and I'll never forget they were playing the championship game in basketball and Rob was the leading scorer on the team and he scored like 27 points and they lost the game by four points but about a minute and a half before the game was over he fouled out and I looked out in that dim and he was looking out and he was just at that big disappointment on his face you know and he looked all over that gym and he finally saw us up in the stands and his eyes glued on mine and mine glues on him and I just wanted to go out and hug him because I was so proud of him and it was just that moment that I wouldn't give you a million dollars for because I looked at him and I gave him a thumbs up and he gave me a thumbs up and that big old grin came I got a friend back home that says God I'm glad I made it because if I hadn't made it I'd have missed it and I knew right then I'd have been a good dad to him because about two weeks later he told me he said you're the best dad I could have ever had because you've always been there for me and I knew what he meant he's the apple of my eye he's my movie star he's my movie star the lady I live with was the lady I laid up drunk with for about three years so I was talking about most of you speakers I know here tonight in fact I've been sleeping with one of them for about 13 years she's not only a beautiful lady from the outside but she's a beautiful lady on the inside she works hard at her job and she works hard in this program and she sponsors a lot of women and I know that a lot of times at night that phone rings at 11, 1130 and I know she says gosh can I get it and she gets it and she stays on and she talks another 30 or 45 minutes and she works with a lot of women and I'm just tickled to death with her she just you know I always wondered I used to always go through the malls when I was drinking and I would see all the husbands and the wives and the boyfriends and the girls and they'd be hugging and you know walking and happy and I said God why can't I have that this past Christmas we were in the mall and I was sitting out there because I was tired and she was spending money and she was trying to break me I guess but that was okay and she came out and we were walking down the mall you know and all of a sudden she took her arm and she put it through mine and I looked around and I was just like them I was happy the gift of sobriety is just as high as I'm ever going to get in this program and I never did know about what it meant when we talked about God as we understood Him until I went and paid old Carl Jackson and I owed some money when Manning, South Carolina for over 30 years I talked to Sterling about it and I said Sterling conned him out of some money over 30 years ago do I have to pay that back I said he probably forgot it and Sterling said no he hasn't forgot it pick up the phone and go pay him I picked up the phone and I called Carl and it was about two weeks before Christmas this was two or three years ago and he said yeah he said I'll be around he said come by and see me I'd like to talk to you and I knew what he meant and he knew what I meant he was an overseer of a farm and I drove up on that old farm lot that day and we started talking and I said Carl I said I got some money from you a few years ago and he said yeah 30 and I pulled the cash out and what it did he gave me some money and we used to run together and he gave me some money to buy a car and I counted out and I paid it to him and I said Carl I want to apologize for it and he said that's okay I kind of knew you'd always pay me at the right time and I said yeah it'd be in Christmas he said no that's not it and he told me a little bit about his life and how he'd changed and how he had found his God in the church he wasn't an alcoholic but how he tried to help people and he said the reason I say something would always happen he says because I believe in helping other people and he says this old bum came through town the other day and he said he wanted a job and I didn't have a job for him but it'd be in Christmas he said he was an alcoholic and he was trying to straighten his life out and he asked me would I take him and give him a job after the first of the year and I told him I would and he didn't have any place to stay or anywhere to go and he says I took him in this little hotel motel on the edge of town and I told the owner there I said just put him up give him two meals a day and I'll come by every Friday and pay the bill he said I asked Margaret last night I said Margaret when are we going to get the money to pay that bill tomorrow for that drunk I'm putting up and then you showed up Bob and it wasn't because I showed up it was because see God had changed this drunk to say I have to clear away the wreckage of the past see I kind of wanted his beliefs in the big book when it says we've got to employ you we've just become one of his workers let him make the plans and we just do the next right thing and he's got it all laid out for us and I remember that morning after I had paid Carl and he shared that with me I swear I was about six inches off the floor and I drove through Manning that morning and I rode by that old house that my mom had raised me in and I looked over at it and it was falling apart and all of a sudden I wasn't ashamed of it I was right proud of it I looked up that old street I used to have to walk to school every morning and I said to myself you know I'll never sit in the back seat of a car again unless I choose to because you see I've been given a gift and it's a beautiful gift and it's a gift called sobriety and I got it right here and it says in our book that we'll become we will make new acquaintances and you will be the happening of our life you meaning the people of Alcoholics Anonymous and you are the happening in my life and when I rode out of town that morning the thought came to me of a prayer of a prayer that I learned early on in this program and it goes something like this it says where there is faith there is love and where there is love there is love there is peace and where there is peace there is God and where there is God there is no need I got to tell you guys I don't need a thing I got it all right here thank you and have a good conference