Bloomington 2013 – Paul M.

The Melbourne AA Steps Weekend 2009. Here's Paul sharing on Step 10. Hi my name's Paul and I'm an alcoholic and I'm very grateful to be here today and I'm a very grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous and it's because of groups like this that I've been able to give up the booze one day at a time. I've been a bit crook over the weekend with the flu and my alcoholic head told me yesterday morning that I've got swine flu and all that kind of stuff and as we do is we're pretty good hypochondriacs and yeah and it was a bit of a battle to get here today but I'm absolutely grateful that I'm here and it's always great to see familiar faces and also there's a lot of people that I've met that I've met that I've met that I've met that I've met and I've met a lot of people that I've met that I've met that I've met that I've met that I've met. I've met a lot of faces here I've never seen before and it's wonderful and very nervous as usual when I speak in groups of large people but I think that's just natural it's part of it and today I can get up here and I'll just know that's an emotion but you know continue to take personal inventory and when we're wrong promptly admit it. Well I'm here to speak about today's Step 10 and you know first of all you know I think you know why do we have to do this after we've put ourselves through the endurance of the previous nine steps that everyone would have heard about and for me when I think about that is I have to continue to do that some days better than others you know it is progress rather than corrections and some days I do this quite well and other days I don't do it well but for me the reasons why I need to continue this is because I never want to drink again and that's the biggest thing you know I don't want to get drunk again and I know that for me not to do that I need to stay spiritually fit and the other reason why is I want to live you know I want to live. And I want to be able to live out there and not be ruled by the fear of alcohol and today most days I'm able to do that which is a wonderful wonderful gift and you know I mix with a lot of young people in the program and you know that's what my home group's about is letting young members come and share their story and always say to people is you know I always like to you know think about things you know as in nightclubs and that kind of stuff to put things in perspective for them and always say to people you know the worst person in the world is the worst person in the world. And you know I don't want to dance for as a person not dancing at all you know as that person that cool dude over in the room just sitting there bopping his head and all that kind of stuff and you know and that's the same in this program you know give it a go and you'll be surprised by the way and the results that you have and just touch a bit of my drinking. Towards the end I was a broken young man. I came to this fellowship when I was 25. All my relationships were stuffed and I'd pretty much given up all hope to live as a lot of us do and you know my only because I didn't want to die. I wanted to be the booze that was causing me to feel the way I was. I was obsessed with alcohol you know my dream in life was to have a reality TV show called pubs where me and my mates would go and drink at pubs get pissed rate the palmers you know all that kind of stuff and that's all I had left you know that's the only things I look forward to and you know just to give a couple examples about where I was in conflict with people and the world and all that kind of stuff. I remember two or three weeks before I come to this program I sat in my mum's arms like a baby. I said you know why mum why is the world so against me and that's what and that's where my head was I was unable to admit to myself you know I had any part in where I was. I had no concept of being honest I was in a delusional world and just you know a couple examples I worked for Aldi stores from the age of 21 to 24 as a store manager and it was quite a stressful job and also quite a good paying job and I was on about $80,000 a year as a 21 year old. And that gave me. All the money I wanted to drink piss the way I did but I hated work you know absolutely hated work with a passion and had to work quite long hours and I had this German area manager his name was Domenicus and he was such a happy man he was always so enthusiastic and I was a bender drinker and as we can you know relate to you know Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and that job was a bloody nightmare. Wednesday, Thursday I was up and the staff liked me and then it was a nightmare again and my attitudes was you know up and down like that and I remember Domenicus sitting me down one day and I was like I'm going to go to bed. And he was sitting me down one day saying Paul your attitude stinks and he picked up a glass of water just like that and filled it half up and he said is that half full or half empty and I said it's half empty Domenicus. He goes well I see that as half full and that's half your problem. I picked up that water and I threw it on him and I said now it's completely empty Domenicus and I walked out of the room. Now three weeks later in that job I was sacked you know. And I was set up but I was a student I had to be set up for sack for inventory manipulation where I was manipulating the figures to get better results so I'd get better bonuses. And when I was sacked from that job I let everyone know how much arseholes Aldi and Domenicus were. You know I thought he was the worst bloke in the world. I had a mate that was pretty high connected up with the union and we were going to bring them down. You know I told my parents you know how bad they were and dad was going to get the lawyers and we were going to sue them. You know. I told everyone. You know I told everyone here how badly I was treated and how hard I worked. And you know looking back at it now it was just absolute insane thinking. It was absolute insane thinking. I was unable to be honest. And another good example is I had a wonderful girlfriend when I got the sack from that job. We did a geographical to Cairns. And I set the budget $500 a week for my drinking money and we earned $750 a week between us. And that relationship was very very unhappy. You know very very unhappy and I couldn't understand. I took it up to Cairns. I was making this money. I was trying to give this wonderful life. And her hair started to fall out through stress. I remember this you know I remember this like it was yesterday. I went up to the local Coles to do the shopping. And she went up to buy a $14 thing of shampoo. She put it in the trolley and I looked at her like she had two heads. I took it out of the trolley. Put it back on the shelf. Went and got the Payless brown. It was for $198 and put it in the trolley. I thought how dare you. You know how dare you. And I couldn't understand why that relationship deteriorated. I couldn't understand. And I remember again telling everyone what a bitch Lauren was. You know how dare she question me. Didn't she understand how hard I worked and that kind of stuff. I didn't understand why this woman resented me. I didn't understand why she didn't want to see me again. And thank goodness these things happened in my life and stuffed me by the age I was 25. Because like I fell in love with the booze. I quickly fell in love with Alcoholics Anonymous. So I knew it would give me a wonderful new life. And um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Now to speak on step 10. You know, it is progress rather than perfection for me. And, um, I've got a wonderful sponsor. And he said to me very early on, Paul, he's 25. You're young. You need to go and live your life. Put the seatbelt on, live it fast, you'll make mistakes. You'll do some great stuff and you'll stuff some things up. But come back and tell me about them, and we'll figure it out and we'll fix it. And that's what I did. You know for the first six months I went out there and lived your life. Not much changed. And guess what? I was miserable. I was absolutely miserable and we started the process ofам process of the steps and we identified a lot of character defects in with myself that always put me in conflict with the world and Joe and Charlie put it so well in those wonderful tapes but when I was threatening you know in a social security or sexual manner I acted like a child you know and the world bit back you know the world bit back me and I ultimately felt unhappy all the time and I didn't understand that till I come this fellowship and I didn't understand why acted like a child and many sense coming to this and giving up the booze for me has been growing up a day at a time you know it's been learning how to act like an adult outside there and I still I still you know I know resentments of know that I'm one thing that make me feel sick in the stomach and it's funny thing about AA and when you start getting into service and that kind of stuff I reckon I've had more resentments in these three years of being sober than I didn't when I was on the piss you know and that's the great thing about about being of service and being around people that she gives you the ability to work through those things and it was funny I had a resentment on Friday I kind of blew with another member you know I went to the meeting and I went to a meeting when I was meant to be working and you know all that kind of stuff and it's funny how you know when you get to the meeting when the answers just come to you you know the reading that they was live and let live and you know it was around this person's behavior and you know I wanted I wanted to bring this person up tell him how bad he was why didn't he say my point of view you know what an idiot he he was and be you know and belittle him to make myself feel better and today I know when I do that it doesn't make me feel better you know it makes me feel so crook in the guts and around around work I struggle with work I'm not a big fan of it but I'm not a big fan of it I've got a I've got I've got a job which I like but I just don't like work and I'm actually a sales rep and I'm pretty much independent to do what I want to and some days is a bloody struggle it really is a struggle I set myself I've said Paul you're gonna promise yourself that you're not going to go home I start every day at 7 I promise myself and I'm not going to go home before 1 30 all right so it gets about 12 30 I think the NBA basketball is on bang I'll go home you know I'll watch it and ultimately I don't feel good about myself when I do that and it was a situation I was about 2 and a half years sober and I was actually in New South Wales for the New South Wales young people in AA I went up there for the weekend and I was seeing two girls at once I wasn't working hard I was knocking off work really early back then you know 11 o'clock most days just getting the job done I wasn't telling my sponsor the truth I was in conflict with a couple of friends and I was also staying with a mate who loves the booze and I thought I was going to this convention to put in and I remember that day, it was a beautiful day in Sydney and I was staying on Darling Harbour and I walked past the pub and there was a group of guys on a footy trip in there and they were having a great time they had the footy jumpers on they were drinking, yahooing and I sat at the front and I wanted to be in that pub after two and a half years sober and I sat there and obsessed for about ten minutes on how wonderful it would be to have a beer just one or two beers with the lads and everything would be ok and thank goodness there's a bloke upstairs that looks after me and my roommate who's also in this fellowship rang me up and we didn't chat about the way I felt we didn't chat about me wanting to go in the pub but we chatted about what was going on and what was going on and what was going on in my life and I found out pretty quick smart the biggest problem what was going on in my life was me I was the problem once again and by doing this I now identify what my defects of character are I hand them over to God and God willing he helps me but I'm human some days I do it better than others and each night when I go to bed I know when I go to bed if I've got this yucky feeling in my tummy that something hasn't quite gone right that day and I know when I go to bed I know when I go to bed I know when I go to bed if I'm resentful if I'm fearful if I'm anxious if I can't sleep because the head's going a million miles an hour more often than not I've got to go back and look through the events of that day and sometimes the events of that day aren't real flash and the next day I need to go and ring someone and around this employer probably about only about four or five weeks ago I got in trouble I rang up I'd done a pretty piss poor job at something and I rang up and she went off at me over the phone and I actually had I had it on loudspeaker and I had one of the other people one of our customers in the car when she went off at me and I was absolutely furious at her I was absolutely furious and I thought how dare she speak to that me way I was going to get her back and that kind of stuff and I stopped for one second I thought hang on if I was actually doing my job the way I was meant to I wouldn't feel this way I couldn't get over the power when I rang her up and said I'm sorry I haven't been performing this last week I'll try my hardest again I couldn't believe how that made that go away and how I felt about myself and it is a journey thank goodness it's one day at a time I got I got one of the things about this fellowship is always we see people passing the message on all the time that's one of the most important things for me is to carry the message and that's what helps me stay sober but I was actually at a steps meeting probably only about three or four months ago down at Hampton and there was a guy that was 20 years sober there and I know this guy quite well and he's actually sharing on Step 9 and he shared to me that it took him 20 years to become willing to make amends to his wife his first wife and I thought thank goodness I thought thank goodness this guy stayed sober 20 years and he's human as well because I thought I had two heads and I thought some of these people I just can't say sorry to them straight away it does take time it takes time and time takes time for me to get well and I'm not going to say sorry to them I'm not going to say sorry to them I'm not going to say sorry to them I'm not going to say sorry to them I'm three years sober I'm a bit over three years sober and some days I'm nuts some days I'm better but I'm grateful to be here today and thanks for asking me to share This share and other shares like it are available from our website stepsweekend.aigroup.org or at stepsweekend.aigroup.org or at stepsweekend.aigroup.org or at stepsweekend.aigroup.org Thanks for letting us share Thanks for letting us share