Blasphemy Was a Hobby Until We Agnostics Broke Me Open – Runar J.

About This Speaker Tape

Runar, an Icelandic-born alcoholic, shares his journey from starting to drink at age 12 through 12 years of revolving-door AA attendance before finally finding real recovery. He was kicked out of schools, jobs, and even an entire country by age 20, yet never believed drinking was his real problem. He first walked into AA on December 6, 1982, but spent the next 12 years learning only the fellowship side of the program — talking about feelings, chasing external validation, and relapsing every time.

His last run took him to La Jolla, California, where he went from two and a half years sober to 20-25 drinks a day at the restaurant bar, left his wife for another woman, and woke up on June 24, 1994 wearing a tuxedo in his ex-wife's house — a grotesque parody of his fantasy of the perfect drinking life. He stopped drinking only because his wife demanded it, not because he wanted to. He promised himself every day he would drink tomorrow, and that trick bought him weeks.

A turning point came when he found men's meetings in La Jolla where nobody cared how smart he was. He was told to sit down and shut up. One man walked up after nine months and said, "It's time for you to get drunk again" — because Runar had done nothing but pretend. That resentment cracked him open. He found a sponsor whose entire repertoire was "You know what to do — it's in the book." He finally read the Big Book from the beginning, hit the "We Agnostics" chapter despite his passionate hatred of religion, and surrendered. The obsession was removed.

With eight years sober at the time of this talk, Runar reflects on going crab fishing in the Bering Sea with only the Big Book for support, starting college at 40, and discovering he had no social skills and no clue how to live. He distills the program down to four things: don't drink, clean house, trust Higher Power, and help others. He draws a sharp line between the fellowship (the bonus) and the program (the solution), insisting that the book contains everything an alcoholic needs to recover.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction — Runar from Iceland, started drinking at 12, kicked out of schools and countries by 20
• 3:30 Starts fine dining apprenticeship at 20, decides to quit drinking to keep the job, first AA meeting December 6, 1982
• 5:30 Twelve years in and out of AA — knew the fellowship but not the program, the difference between the two
• 8:00 Relapse pattern: a year sober in Norway, four years drunk, wife as the perfect Al-Anon enabling him
• 11:00 Moves to the US in 1993, no mental defense against the first drink, convinces wife he can handle it, 20-25 drinks a day in La Jolla
• 14:00 Wakes up June 24, 1994 in a tuxedo — the grotesque version of his drinking fantasy, promises to drink tomorrow every day
• 17:00 Finds men's meetings in La Jolla, told to sit down and shut up, experiences quiet mind for the first time
• 21:00 Man tells him after nine months it is time to get drunk again — the wake-up call that he had done nothing
• 25:00 Reading the Big Book from the beginning, We Agnostics chapter breaks through his hatred of religion, surrenders
• 31:00 Crab fishing in the Bering Sea with only the Big Book, sixth step separates the boys from the men, four things: don't drink, clean house, trust Higher Power, help others