Bill Says the Serenity Prayer Will Work — It Just Doesn’t Work for the First Three Months 😅 — Julie M.

Hi everybody, I'm Julie, and I am an alcoholic. What she means by being a refugee is that Liz was supposed to be telling her story tonight, but she's just today tested negative for COVID and did not feel like she would be able to stand up here for 40 minutes and tell her story. And you may be wondering why there wasn't a choice for her backup. And some of you may know that most of you probably in this room do not know that Liz is my sister, my blood sister, my real sister. And I'm sorry that you're not going to be hearing her story tonight because it is really a wonderful story. And she's with 11 years of sobriety. And even though we share a whole lot of DNA, we couldn't be more different. And we're just like the beach. But other than that, we really are two completely different people. And so I will do my best. After an hour, so that you guys don't feel ripped off. I won't start off with this because this is a little funny to me. And it sort of leads into my story. Sister Liz, who you're not listening to right now, is seven years older than me. She's two years older than me. And has a way. She does it how she wants it. This story, for as long as I can remember. So there's the seven-year gap. Sisters and the three younger ones. So when we were little, my parents would go out to dinner. And my sister Liz and me would be set. Babysitting us, right? And Liz was like, she did this thing one time that I will never forget. Because it was so fun. She said, okay, to the three youngest ones. Come over here. I'm a scientist. And you are my robot. And I'm going to wind you up. And then you have to do everything I tell you to do. Now, when I'm three, four, five years old, this is really fun, right? She does that. She's coming over to wind me up in the back. And I'm a robot. You know? And she says, okay, go over there and get that laundry and take it upstairs. And we do it. And we're like, not going to help. I was the best thing ever. I'm going to assess her. Mother said, the last thing our mother said to her as she walked out the door was, Liz, take the laundry upstairs. So we did it, right? So I did have to, that just sort of sends my sister with my sister. And it's a bit ironic that 60 years later, I'm standing here doing her job again. Anyway. Um. But in reality, she really, really did want to be here with you guys. And I am stepping in for her. So, again, I do hope that you won't be disappointed. So let me start by saying, I'll do all the math. So I'm going to have to work that way. So you don't have to figure all this out. I was born on May 23, 1961, which makes me 63 years old. I had my first drink in October as a freshman at the University of Florida. I was 18 years old, legal at the time. My sobriety date is February 23. It's 1995. So I drank for about 15 years. And in February, if I don't die, and I don't, it's a sobriety. It's long-blowing. But, um, I did do all that to let you know that this program, this place, is extraordinarily important to me. And I might even get a little emotional about it. Because 30 years is a lifetime. And I have lived my life in this program. And, um. Living has taken me through the seasons of my life. Right? Um, I was a newlywed when I got sober. And I have two children. Both new, the one that has ever seen me drunk. Um, my daughter will be 28 in January. My son is 26. And he just lives over here in Brookhaven. My daughter's in Louisville. And my daughter took some of her first steps in that room over there, y'all. So this place means a lot to me. My whole life has been given to me because of alcoholism and ironism. Two people on this planet because of alcoholism and ironism. Because I guarantee you, while I was drinking, the thought of having, bringing a child into this world was not going to come, was not going to happen. So let me start by telling you how I got out of that. How I came to be where I am. So I said I had my first drink. Tennessee, big family. My parents, my mother died of this disease. All over our family. My father, I would say, was an alcoholic but probably could, he could stop. He had iron wills. But he could stop when he wanted to. But he never started back up again. So I would guess that he was an alcoholic as well. So she really was an alcoholic. I'm not going to tell anybody else who else in my family is an alcoholic. But at least one other sister probably could be here. And it's just the way I was raised. To alcohol. Because I was watching what I was doing to my mother. And I did not want to be my mother. I was not going to be my mother. Bitch, to be honest with you. And I got to the University of Florida. I went to a party. And she showed up with some vodka and orange juice. Do you remember where I was? I was putting on makeup in my makeup mirror. And she made me a screwdriver. And I took one. Like I was. And so there wasn't wine and wine anymore. Right? I had no idea. And there were pictures of me. And I'm already got that shitty news picture. I was in the picture. And she looked at me like, who is this? Because she left a genie out of the bottle or something. Every time. If I could. I didn't. I believed that it was morally opposed to it. I had one sip of it. And now it's my best friend. So I don't think you can go from that place to that place. Without having had a physical reaction in your body to something. Which is what I believe happened to me. So I don't. I did well in college. I was active in college. I graduated from college. And I became a single young woman in Tampa. With all my singles. With all my friends. And we had a really, really good time. And just telling myself. We're drinking just like I was. Like I was. But it was pretty clear. That they could go home. Or they could get a date. Last call to the bar. And that's two things to me. I'm sorry. But they would like to pick. Eventually they. We were all doing okay with our careers and everything. But they would start getting dates. Things that I really wasn't particularly doing. And um. And then I started living by myself. And I started drinking every night. By myself. And I just couldn't wait to get home from work. And we had fun as well. But I was drinking and driving. And doing all the things you shouldn't do. One night I picked up a guy. And we went to dinner. This place was a pizza place in downtown Tampa. That was big, long. It's not like the movies. It is not like the movies. That really hurt. But I did not die. But I did what we do. My girlfriends were not there to see that. The next morning I called them all up. You know because I just think it was funny. Because my soul knew it wasn't. And alcoholism wanted my soul to know it was funny. Alcoholism is so sinless. Remember the PR story the next day. How it was all so much fun. But it wasn't. And none of my friends left. I then moved to Dallas for a job. For my job. I really hit bottom. I had things going on at that time. A guy that I was dating. 36 years old. Horrible thoughts. This was a really bad time. Plus I was drinking massive doses of alcohol every night. That combination led me to really be almost a basket case. To be honest with you. But I ended up needing to come home. My parents lived. And I moved in with my parents. I was so demoralized. Every night drinking with my parents. I mean you know. Like your parents that have a little TV tray in front of the TV. And they're watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. And you're like sitting there with them at 30 years old. Because like they're drinking. So you're going to drink their alcohol too. That went on for longer than I want to admit. But I began to kind of come out of it a little bit. I always was clinically depressed. There was a great deal of depression going on. But I was drinking massive doses of a depressant every night. So that. I eventually. Sort of. You know. Got a job. And ended up. Like I said. I had a lot of encounters. I didn't have a lot of dates. My sister Liz and I. She and I drank here in Atlanta a lot. And we played a lot of bocce ball at Aunt Charlie's. If you're early enough to know what Aunt Charlie's was. We drank a lot along Far Road. With all those people in the early 90s. But then one night. One day. I ran into a man. And it had been 10 years since we'd been. I think there's some issues there. But he didn't leave. And he still hasn't left. And we have been married. 31 years now. We've been together. But I know what long term commitment means. And I know what it means. Because of this program. But what happens. Where are we? Okay. So we started dating. I was drinking alcoholically. But you know again. My alcoholism is telling me that he's drinking as much as I am. But it's not. We end up. We do move in together. I'm getting kind of old y'all. I didn't get married until I was 33 years old. We get engaged. On my wedding day. I was distracted. I wasn't even there. So something happens. So what happens. 11 months of a massive dose of a depression every night. I remember seeing the movie. When he brings her like coffee every single morning. And it's cold. By the time she gets out of bed. Oh my god. I lived that. My husband would bring me a cup of tea every single morning. And it would be cold by the time I got out of bed. And so one morning. I was hungover as hell. And I remember I was on my bed. And I had the pillow on my head. And I was looking into our walk in closet. He said. For God's sake get on the bed. And leave. Either I said it out loud or I said it to myself. Oh my god. God help me. And that afternoon I happened to have an appointment with my psychiatrist. And I went to her. And I told her. I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. And she said. In my head my alcoholism was screaming. You said that out loud? Why did you do that? I'm just wanting to pull the words back. It's out there. Why did I say that out loud? And she said. I don't really know that much about it. I think she gave me a copy of The Courage to Change. Which is a book about a bunch of famous people who got sober. And she said. Come back next week. My colleagues know more about this. And I will get some information for you. So I came back the next week. And she told me about a treatment center that's here in Atlanta. You should go check this place out. So. I didn't know what the hell I thought. My doctor was helping me figure this out. I assumed that. And it happened to be near where I worked. And so at lunch. I go to this place. And I walk in. And I talk to the intake person there. And she's asking me all the questions. And I'm answering them. And I must have got a good score. Because she says. Well I do think that we can help you here. Because again. I don't know what this is. I thought treatment was like a spa with doctors. You know. They'll teach you. And tell you about alcohol. And there'll be a pool. And it'll be fun. And you know. I don't even know what I was doing. And I'm like. Okay. Well. I'm going to have to take time off work. And I have to do this party for this executive. On the 24th of February. Which is a Friday. So I will. I'll be here February 25th. At the hotel. Right. I'm a ridiculously determined person. Ridiculously determined. And so again. I just thought I was going for information. No idea what this term is. Party on February 24th. In Sperna. Incredibly drunk. On the entire top end perimeter. On February 24th. And he died running looking out for me. Because if that's not. I'm going to have to take my shoes. And lock the door behind me. Then take my perfume. My shoe laces. I'm like what the hell. Why is this. I've never done this before. And eventually I really got to the point. Where I understood what was happening. That I wasn't going to be coming out. And that there was a certain amount of time. That I was going to need to be watched. And you know. Detoxed and all these things. For a soft cover big book. But um. They gave me this big book. Again I'm like okay thank you. And I'm like really freaked out. And so we started going to like meetings in there. And talking about dopamine. And serotonin. And all that stuff that I couldn't tell you about now. I had it and some of it's good and some of it's bad. A piece of information. You're always going to have alcoholism. But you can put it into remission in a way. By following some simple steps. Right. About the third day I was locked in there. I started reading that big book. And I got to the third step prayer. And I got to that sentence where it says. Um. Relieve me of the bondage of myself. And as I read that. It's going to be alright. A few years into sobriety before I realized. I'd only had that sensation once. I'd already brought that back into my form ring. The difference is. The solution to that problem of alcoholism. Has never turned on me. Has never made me act out the way I used to act out. I'm not perfect. Certainly not perfect. We're not sane. But I have not had enough to drink of alcohol. Since the moment I walked into that treatment center. It just clicked with me. In that very moment. It doesn't click with everybody right away. It doesn't have to. That's why I feel that the most courageous people. In the AA room. Are the people who have come back after a relapse. Because you know. The joy of seeing someone come back here. Who didn't get killed. On the way back there. And didn't kill somebody else on the way back there. Always fills me with joy. I don't know why I got it like that. But I did. And I hung onto it. Because it is extraordinarily precious to me. And I will never forget that feeling. And then eventually. I did get out of the locked down part. And I went to the evening program there. For I don't even remember how many months. And they said go to meetings. So I. I was working at the time. So I started going to the 545. Which is a great meeting. If you work during the day. And don't want to repeat the habit. Like I had. Of simply leaving work and going directly to greens. And even though you tell yourself. You're not going to go to greens. And going to greens anyway. And then go home and get a talk every night. So the 545 is a great way to break that habit. So I started coming to that. Pretty much every night. And. I closed off that room. So some of us would be in a small area. And I'm looking at my beautiful friend. Isla over there. Who was there at that time. So she can tell you whether I'm lying or not. But I remember. Feeling pretty good about myself. For all the stuff I was doing. To get sober right. And I was also proud of myself. And the stuff that I would say in meetings back then. They just loved me. Oh my gosh. They just loved me. They loved everything. I was smart ass. And so I remember sitting there. And I was sitting at that table. Which has those steps in front of it. The curtain was closed. And I was going on and on and on. Pontificating about how sad to this I am. That I got myself sober. And I checked into a treatment center. And I told my psychiatrist that I was an alcoholic. And I did this. And I did a meeting. And I looked up at the wall. And I said Julie. That right after John yelled at you that morning. You said in your head God help me. And then that afternoon you told your psychiatrist. That you were an alcoholic. And then this wall started rolling. And I realized right there. I thought I had done the step two. Because I was already on step three. Because I had read the first step prayer. But it dawned on me in that meeting. I thought I was so proud of myself. That I hadn't done anything to get sober. That I had called out to a God. I didn't even believe in. And the ball started rolling. So for me. The best way for me to sum up step two for you. In the way I sum it up. If you have a hard time understanding what it really means. To me it just means. Giving credit where credit is due. The credit goes to my higher power. Not me. And if you believe that. Then I can keep moving. So I did the journey of sobriety. And with the help of many people in this room. And I. Again I was sort of in the red. You know. I didn't really understand that third step. It was a little esoteric for me. And a little out there in your life. And your will. And your thoughts. And your prayers. And your whatever it is. And I thought this is so complicated. My God. What are they actually asking me to do. And so one day. My husband had some friends from college coming up. People I did not really like. They had a little Honda Accord. And another couple. And some other people. But we go down the river. We come back. We go into the separate men's dressing rooms. Change our clothes. And in between there and getting back to the car. I lose the car keys. We were in the Nana Hayward. If you don't know where that is. That's where Eric Rudolph hid from the FBI for five years. So it's really window. And I'm like freaking out. Because I'm like three months sober. I don't like these people. All they want to do is get back in the car. And get the hell out now. So they can go to Brian Williams and get drunk. I feel like an idiot. I'm scared. This is pre cell phones. So I'm going in and out of the little hut. Where the guys live all summer. Using the cell phone. To try to call triple A. And explain triple A where I am. It goes on and on and on. And eventually. I'm in there one more time. And I'm trying to be kind. But I'm getting angry and scared. And I hang up the phone. And there was a guy just behind me. And he says. How's it going? And I said. I don't know. I keep saying the serenity prayer. And it doesn't seem to be working. And he said. My friend Bill says. If you say it enough. It will work. And I said. How many times do I have to say it? He said. It doesn't work for three months. So if you don't understand what a third step prayer is. It explains it in the 12 and 12. In the last two paragraphs. There's a lot of words before it. And a lot of words in the big book. And in the last two paragraphs. It says. When I'm disturbed. I pause. And I say the serenity prayer. Help me God. Please God. Don't let me say this. Don't let me say that. If you did. You did a third step. Now you may not think you did. But you did. And the point of it. Is that we just keep practicing that. And so. For me. I have to keep practicing that. And I use the third step a lot. Because I'm a human being. Because it was somebody else's fault. But once I got into the realization. That feeling disturbed. Was too uncomfortable. That's when I began to insert my higher power immediately. And I'm telling you. It will work. It works every time for me. I read it a year. To do my fourth step. And many of them I truly believed. One of them. I told this. I could not do a fourth step. Because I couldn't make columns in Microsoft Word. But after hearing that for the last time. You know. I think I was just a little scared to look at myself. You know. But I also was such an A student kind of person. That I did not want to go a whole year. Without having done a fourth step. Because I thought I would be like a bad AA. If I didn't do it. So I finally did it. And there was a man named Donald Siegel. I remember. He said to me. Julie. So I did it. I had a sponsor that I had gotten. I had met her in the treatment center. When she had come out to one of the evening meetings. I'll tell the story real quick. Right after we got. The first time we went out to dinner. After I got sober. After I got out of the treatment center. My husband and I had been sober maybe. We go up to the Chili's at SoCo Hill. I used to love it. If there was a wait in a restaurant. Because you could go to the bar and drink. Right. That would be about five minutes. And I'm in that bar. I sit down on that little wooden bench. Looks like the principal's bench outside the school. In front of everybody. And they're just walking past you. And we're sitting there. And I start crying. And my husband turns to me. He's like Julie. Julie. No. I've got to go to the restaurant. You know. And the hostess is looking at me. I came over to the restaurant. I had a hard time. And I said well you know. I was looking for my husband. Well. He's like. And I was like. He's like. Because I'm in the middle of a dinner meeting. And that's when I. My sponsor. I found my sponsor. She said. Well no wonder you've lost your best friend. went like this I went to her house and for a few hours I went that gets this that asshole this and this gets this and blah blah blah and you know she listened and at the very end of it she gave me the absolute best piece of information I ever got in AA still 30 years later she smiled very sweetly lonely little girl you are who you were talking to my thoughts and my feelings I just did not realize how much I loved that victimhood man I just stepped her in this order for a reason six and seven come along right after opportunities to see that oh it was a great piece of humor and he showed me myself everywhere I mean just everywhere because I'm a human and I have character these exits don't always go away and I think I love six and seven the best I stay there if I'm willing to look at myself and I'm not it says in our literature we hear it every single time we read it the point is I might stay dry and I might not be I might not don't for a while but I'm not going to have anything that anybody wants I can tell you that I'm not going to have anything I want and I'm going to be a miserable person and so I have I get some stage for maiden sobriety I've made some doozies that I'm not proud of I went through the dark and stayed there a little longer than I wanted to and but I figured out how to get back into the light and that's what we do here and we help each other do that six and seven I have so many examples of how God showed me me and if you love your if you love your victimhood do not take a six and seven six and ten for making amends writing a list and I wrote the list and my sponsor helped me sort it all out I've made face to face amends when my parents show back up at home and say you probably do owe them a little bit of money and I didn't really know how much it was but I've defted a number and when I took it to them you know my father my father said um oh I need to back back in time back in time back in time I'll tell you this to just give you an idea of how alcoholic my family was on that Saturday morning that I was checking myself into the treatment center my husband and I get on the phone something told me even though I was like thirty something years old something told me I should call my parents and tell them tell them where I'm going I mean I should tell them I'm checking into basically a hospital right so I called them and I remember shaking so bad on the phone I'm like dad I just want you to know I'm about to check into the alcohol rehab center and that's how alcoholic my family was that I wasn't even a problem we sure cried afterwards but that's how anyway so I think one of the reasons I didn't I was scared to get sober was that I was going to be breaking the paradigm of my family again because when I was not drinking when I was really well and tight in high school and hated alcohol I wasn't very close with my family or my mother she didn't like me and I thought parents don't want to carry nation of high school in their house all the time you know look up here in the nation and when I started drinking my mother welcomed me again it was like I was like a daughter again and I was part of the family and I drank for 15 years and then I didn't and then I was kind of feeling like I was going to be the pride again and I kind of was but it wasn't fun but it was worth it it was absolutely worth it I was already married but we started having our children like I said my daughter took some of her first steps in this building and things that I was told to do in this program I've been like I said in terms of amends face to face amends I wrote a letter to someone because I really needed to apologize to that person and it worked out beautifully I now have a relationship with that person again who hadn't talked to me for like 10 years you know it's hard to find our part to see our part it really is and that's why we need sponsors and people to help us we're so good at justifying all sorts of crap you know really our ego and our fears and our childhood trauma and all that stuff it really can help us justify it and help us sort it out and tease it out and see what our part really is and a lot of times I'll tell my sponsors if they're having a hard time figuring out what their part is in something I will say what happened right before again what happened right before then we think oh yeah I'm going to stop talking to you for 10 years I did not do that I'm just just saying I did not do that um I don't know why I'm involved um but the thing is that it's in use all the time because you know human beings do human things and um there was a man in the zoom called zoom meetings that I was going to during the pandemic he sent tasks on and he was very wise and um he was blind and so he he summed up step 10 really well for us he said that the principles behind step 10 stop and don't or doing whatever it is you're doing that's you know not the most right thing and don't do anything that you know is not the most right thing and and so again our ego our fears everything we can we can only talk for ourselves into what the next right thing is y'all we need each other we need to be honest with each other and just say I'm about to do that or I just did why and listen so what do I start really dedicating myself to to meditation until probably two and a half years ago I just I'm no good at it um but started doing it um got one of those you know meditations with dummies ass on my phone and you know what that's my speed and I'm okay with that and I'm probably never going to get through a mind state or whatever but I I now can meditate I now know the benefits of it and how it calms me down and puts things in perspective and I highly recommend trying doing that you know just find one of those apps on your phone and just try it even for a minute any chance of the 12th set um yes I work with a lot of alcoholics many of them are in the room tonight I love you ladies um it's practice and the strength of the mind is the top part you know we always like to think that 12th is just about helping other alcoholics but oh no it's trying to be better people in all areas of our lives and I can tell you that none of it was possible without that initial relationship with a higher power that I didn't know was there want to know was there because I thought I knew everything for deep down for deep down in every man woman and child is the fundamental idea of God it may be obscured by calamity by pomp by worship of other things but in some form or other it is there faith in a power greater than ourselves and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives are facts as though this man himself we finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our makeup just as much as the feeling we had for a friend sometimes we had to search fearlessly but he was there he wasn't as much a fact as we were we found the great reality is only there that he may be found and so it is about 25 years ago I had this power I had done there at the end could have engaged it could have called out to it at any time and it would have been available to me but for some reason my ego and my pride and all those things would not allow me to do that and so I was very happy about 25 years ago when I realized the entire power is just like Dorothy's ruby slippers she had the power to go home the entire time and she did not know it she needed to go through all the things that she went through and she went through and she went through and she needed her friends to show her how to do it thank you Julie you guys can't do the chip first I slip and then I crash